Original subtitles

Previously on "Crawford"...

(FOOTSTEPS CRUNCH)

(LIGHTER SNIKS)

DON: Now! (FLARE WHOOSHES)

Abort! Abort! Abort!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

(FIRE EXTINGUISHER HISSES)

DON: Go! Go! Go! Go!

(CAR ROARS AWAY)

MAN: Man, did you see that?

They tried to burn my damn truck.

Let's finish the job for them.

- What? - You want a new truck, huh?

This guy's gonna get you a new truck.

I'm Dallas Fraser, I'm a lawyer.

No.

My client's truck was set on fire.

I don't uh...

You can keep these pictures.

So you're taking pictures of me?

No, no, no, my clients are doing that.

RITA: So, when you're zoning in with them like that,

what is going on?

DON: Sometimes they say things back to me.

Wait, sometimes they say things back?

I suppose that sounds absolutely insane.

I found this. (PAGES RUSTLE)

When you moved back in,

I put you back on the medical plan.

So you know maybe if you wanna talk to somebody?

Yeah, I think I might need help.

(FOOTSTEPS THUD)

(TV IN BACKGROUND, PHONES RING)

Hi, I'm Don.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

???

???

DON: Raccoons are talking to me.

(PEN RASPS)

(LOW BARK)

(PHONE RINGS)

???

You're a good boy, but you can't hear me, can ya, bud?

Sir, please stop talking to my dog.

I wasn't.

I hear he's really cute, but he's on duty right now.

He's working.

You can't hear me, can you, bud? No you can't!

No you can't! Good buddy! (LAUGHS)

Don't make eye contact with him.

Uh, excuse me, you can cancel my appointment.

I don't need to be here. I'm all good!

Um, you don't have to reschedule or, nothin'.

Uh, have a great day, everybody.

- Thank you. - Good luck with uh...

- MAN: Thank you. - ...whatever it is.

(DON SCREAMS)

???

(LAUGHS)

Yes!

I'm so happy that you're moving back home.

I'm gonna make Don's room perfect for you.

Uh, I'm not all right, Brian,

I'm not moving back home.

MANNY: You're handling this really well, Wenners.

Proud of you, seriously. It'll be okay.

- DARREN: Wendy... - MANNY: Oh God.

...one last hug for the road?

No, no more hugs for the road.

Wendy, come on, we talked about a clean break.

- Seriously, what are you doing? - Clean break, Manny?

- Yeah. - Just like you and Donald?

Nah, that break-up was mutual.

- We're still good friends. - Oh, mutual, yeah,

'cause I heard he dumped your ass.

Breakin' up's hard to do, huh?

(RECEDING FOOTSTEPS)

Wendy! Whadda you see in him? Seriously!

I dunno, I have low self-esteem.

TV COMMENTATOR: So they're not using iron to cut,

they're using copper and stone-cut shape things.

Yeah, but you have to get them there

which is, you know I think the neatest thing

about the pyramids over the years

is trying to figure out how they did it all.

They didn't leave a record, um, right,

just this great mystery for architecture

and archaeological experts to try and figure out.

Mom, are you okay?

Oh, Brian, be careful on that thing.

You're staring off again. Are you stressed out?

Oh, you know, I've got a presentation.

Hey, Brianator,

you uh, seem like you wanna talk about something.

You know um, you told me to tell you

if Dad's ever doing anything weird? (SIGHS)

Yeah.

I don't wanna be the one selling him up the river,

but I think you need to know if he's doing anything abnormal.

Yeah, Brian, that's what the doctors wanted us to do.

It's okay.

You know, you're really doin' the right thing here.

Okay.

(OPENS DOORS)

What? I mean...

what are these, spares for the Scout? I don't understand.

Dad's been collecting them,

and then he's been smelling them,

and now he's smelling the windows. It's high strangeness.

(OWEN'S FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS)

(BRIAN LAUGHS)

Hon, uh, tires in the house again?

We talked about this, remember?

And toffee?

Hon, you're eating tonnes and tonnes of toffee.

(VOICE) Can't have anything.

No, Owen, that's not what this is about.

Owen, it's okay. I'll help you get the tires out.

But you know what you have to do?

You gotta keep the hat.

It is to totally hot on you.

I have to get dressed.

(CYNTHIA'S FOOTSTEPS THUD)

(BRIAN LAUGHS)

MAN: Barry, when's Wayne comin' back from Horton's?

Been a half hour.

Gotta bring it around the other side.

- We can't get any closer. - Okay.

DENNIS: Hey, Wendy?

You remember Mr. Tanner, and Miss Stanley?

Miss Stanley's with our legal team,

Mr. Tanner's here for the company.

Okay, I'll be right down.

Great. Why don't you meet us in the trailer?

- We'll have a chat. - All right.

- Okay. - MAN: All right you're good.

DENNIS: Okay, have a seat.

(SIGHS) So just to be clear, um,

this isn't about you missing a few shifts,

using the company vehicle, or anything like that, but um,

well, this Dallas Fraser guy,

this, this lawyer, came by and...

Yeah, he's just a creep that's been following me around.

Okay, well he may be, he may be that, but um,

he came by and he told us some rather uh, disturbing things.

Dennis, just tell me what's goin' on, what's up?

Um, his law office sent our head office this photo.

Now apparently Midtown Construction's equipment

was used to build your father's cabin,

which is, which is great.

It's a very nice thing to do, right.

Um, and then there's this matter of arson,

- which isn't great. - There was no arson.

And then of course, some of the equipment was also used

to install some kind of hot tub...

for your sex parties in the woods,

with this man, right here.

That's what the lawyer says.

Is that Manny from Exquisite Quality Bathroom and Tiles?

Is it?

See the thing is that that's not...

that's not what it looks like, that's um...

it wasn't... it wasn't sexual at all.

No, but it appears too sexual to the company.

There's nothing I can do here, Wendy, I'm sorry,

we have to take action.

No this is a, this is just a misunderstanding,

this is just a huge mistake.

Well, unfortunately it's a mistake that we're willing to make.

We think the best way to go about all of this is a layoff.

Tidy.

Please avoid us in future as a reference.

Will do, Diane.

Here is a cheque for $3,600, we are free and clear, Wendy.

Great, well now that I don't work here,

I would just like to say that nobody here likes you, Diane,

least of all, Dennis.

Ha, that's not true. You're fine. She's fine.

Yeah, fine is a word we use for things that we like.

Wendy. Okay, guys, are we done? We're done. Okay.

Cash the cheque.

(TRAILER DOOR OPENS)

(VOICE) You sold out the old man.

- (HORN HONKS) - Could you wait a second?

Look, no, I didn't, okay.

I'm protecting you.

One day you're gonna realize that I'm here to watch

for your bizarre behaviour.

Mom's right, it's not you, it's the injuries.

(VOICE) I embarrassed our family

when I collected everyone's recycling.

I think I did it with no pants on.

Look, no one saw it, and even if they did,

they didn't care about it, because we love you, Dad.

Look, we'll go to the mall tomorrow, if you want.

(VOICE) Good time then, son.

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

(VOICE) We'll have a good time then, son.

Brian, you took my car!

I got another one coming okay, I'm really sorry.

Go, go, go, go, go!

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

Owie, I'm not tryin' to ruin your fun, okay,

just remember what the doctor said.

Sometimes you get a little fixated on stuff

like the cabin, the tires.

(VOICE) Do people think I'm crazy now?

No, oh no, Owen.

Look, they know you took a bullet for your men, okay,

they know you're a hero.

Who cares you can't talk? I still got my Owie. Huh?

Oh, and I'm gonna be home early,

and I got plans for that hat. Mhmm.

???

WOMAN: My schedule came out last week. I was saying that...

(CAR RUMBLES UP)

MANNY: Wendy, let's go! Wendy!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.

(DROPS ITEMS)

Fuck it.

(CAR DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR SHUTS)

- Sex parties, Manny. - Of course.

What is even happening? Arson, Manny!

Wendy, if these rumours surface,

it's gonna ruin Exquisite. It'll ruin me!

I can lose my business! I can lose everything!

You know what, we'll tell your dad!

Reno and Grady, good people! I trust those guys!

No! No! They're the reason I got fired.

Dad is the reason you've been dragged into this.

Oh my God! What is happening?

We'll go talk to your Dad, and he'll fix everything.

No, we need to go see Mom. We need a Mom solution.

It does need a Mom solution,

but it needs a Dad solution first,

- then we go to your Mom. - No, Manny.

- Your Mom's at work. - Manny.

- Wendy, please. - Manny.

- Wendy? - Fine!

Do you wanna get a slice of pizza?

How can you eat at a time like this?

Just take me to Midtown Pizza.

Wendy, I'm sensing emotional eating...

Just take me to Midtown Pizza!

- Okay. - (CAR STARTS)

DON: Want a marshmallow? Want some of this?

- (RACCOON CHIRPS) - Huh?

All right, we'll let you out soon, bud.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(RACCOON CHITTERS)

???

(RACCOON CHITTERS)

???

(RACCOON CHITTERS)

RITA: Definitely the optimal location for a release.

Ample green bin-age, primary food storages.

Way better than the ballpark.

The ballpark, they got the heated bathrooms.

They can hibernate there, there's food, there's water,

they love it there, Rita.

- They like it there? - Yeah.

Was that a guess, or did a raccoon tell you that?

Rita, can we please not do this right here?

I'm gettin' a little bit wiggy, okay.

I don't wanna be talkin' about this anymore.

I don't wanna do this right here, all right?

I'm gettin' stressed out, my phone is ringin' off the hook,

- I've had enough. - You love raccoons.

- I know that to be true. - Yes.

It's the only reason were friends.

So, what I don't understand is that it appears

that the raccoons seem to love you back.

What is that?

My hypothesis is that when the raccoons look at you and...

Rita, the raccoons do not love me, all right.

You're anthropomorphizing.

Don't act like such a... (PHONE BUZZES)

- ...such a Easter Bunny. - (PHONE BUZZES)

I'm not acting like an Easter Bunny.

Hello? Yes, this is Ringtails.

Ma'am, ma'am, no I...

no ma'am, I don't have a waiting list,

it's just me doing this.

Can you please calm down?

Well, you can do that to yourself.

(PHONE SNAPS SHUT)

(CUPBOARD SLAMS)

(BAG RUSTLES)

(DOOR OPENS)

Dad! I just lost my job

because people think I'm having sex parties with Manny

in the woods because of your stupid campsite.

I'll hire you.

Who believes in you, Wendy? Manny believes in you.

You come work with me in the showroom. It's perfect.

I can't work with you because people think

that we have been banging in the woods, Manny!

I'm telling Mom.

MANNY: Helluva shirt, Dad.

Manny, come on, man. Just once follow me out. Just once.

- Manny! - (MANNY SIGHS)

VERONICA: Dev, Dev, Dev, come here.

Get rid of this stuff, okay? I need to be talking from here.

Guys, guys, the cardboard, get that out of here.

Get it out.

SHELLERS: Okay, Dev, we are ready.

VERONICA: (CLEARS THROAT) Okay.

Dev, introduce me.

So, welcome to Mentor Week.

To those who don't recognize me, I'm Devon,

and I work for Veronica's office of course,

currently in development on secret Wheat Frosts.

Veronica is, of course, our featured speaker today.

- MAN: That sucks. - Thank you, gang,

it's very nice to see all of your little faces.

Thank you. Okay, our opening speaker's latest cereal credit

includes the development and supervision

of the wildly-successful...

Moderately, moderately successful.

...Super Maple Pops!

And on the cusp of another great release,

Wheat Rock Drones.

They call her the cereal killer,

but she prefers Cynthia.

- (APPLAUSE) - MAN: All right.

Thank you. Come on, thank you very much.

(LAUGHS)

I'm really honoured to be here guys, thank you.

Sorry, sorry.

You know, I'm gonna start off by saying something

that might sound a little crazy,

but I know what everyone here wants.

Everyone here wants their own cereal. Right?

- WOMAN: Yeah. - Right?

Raise your hands if you have a cereal idea, okay?

Yeah, uh huh.

Yeah, I know, 'cause me too, me too.

I mean, I remember when all I could think about

was Super Maple Pops, okay.

And I had to fight for it.

But then I got my shot, and when I did...

SHELLERS: Highest grossing cereal release

of the last five years. (OOHS AND AHS)

Come, on Shellers, let's show 'em what's next.

You guys are gonna be the first to see the box prints

- of the new artwork. - Excuse me.

Drum roll please, and...

(APPLAUSE)

MAN: ...they're huge. WOMAN: Imagine that size?

CYNTHIA: Thank you, yes they are big.

- This is good. - Thank you.

So Wheat Rock Drones on the shelves next week,

and the sales projections are... VERN: They're grrreat!

- WOMAN: Ha! - Dad!

Thank you, Vern, yes, Vern gave it away

but they are fantastic!

Yes, so, you are paying your dues now, okay,

but these are magical times for you.

- Fight for your cereal. - WOMAN: Yes.

God knows I had to fight for mine.

WOMAN: Ah.

Fight for it. Yearn for it.

Dream it.

And when you finally hurt for breakfast cereal,

- WOMAN: Yes. - that's when it happens.

Believe in cereal.

- Can I get an amen? - GROUP: Amen!

- Can I get a cereal? - GROUP: Cereal!

Thank you very much.

- (APPLAUSE) - MAN: This is awesome.

CYNTHIA: Thank you, thank you very much.

- WENDY: Mom? Mom? - (APPLAUSE)

- Mom? - That was great!

Mom?

All right, come on over here, we have an autograph.

Look at the size of the box. It's ridiculous.

Autographs, really? Who is she? Britney Spears? No.

WENDY: Mom, I actually... SHELLERS: Over here.

- Hi, - MAN: Oh, sorry.

SHELLERS: No more autographs.

WENDY: I really have to talk to you about...

Wendy, you aren't wearing your pass.

How am I supposed to sign you in if you're not wearing your pass?

Just meet me in the reception area.

VERN: I'm gonna make sure Taylor knows all about it.

Vern, please step back, yeah.

Okay, I can bring you in to see Cynthia now,

but it's super-duper important that you wear this pass.

Okay. Super duper.

Wow, that was rude.

(PHONE RINGS)

Sex parties with Manny.

Wow, that's a, that's a lot to process, Wendy.

You know, we, we can get past this.

Great, let's get to the part where this passes, please.

I would love to get there.

Did Dad actually make people take an oath of secrecy?

Yeah, he didn't wanna distract you from your

super drone robot party cereal.

Okay, I get it Wendy, I...

this is my fault, okay, but please don't blame your Dad,

he can't control this.

Mom, you have to stop blaming things on Dad getting shot.

He was like this before. This is the same tough-guy stuff

he's always pulled.

And what is with the cowboy hat, Mom? It's so weird!

It's one of those obsession things the doctors talk about.

They say it's totally normal.

Mom, it's not normal for him to be starting feuds

with those... guys.

This is real. This is happening.

There are lawyers involved, Mom.

Okay, maybe Dad's friends on the force can...

No! No! Reno and Grady are idiots, Mom, they are so dumb,

and they are enabling Dad in this lunacy.

Look, he's misfiring, hon,

and I'm so sorry you got dragged into this.

But, we can't blame him for it, he can't control it.

Great, and where does that leave me?

I have $3,600, no job, nowhere to live, no boyfriend.

Come home, Wendy.

At least until you get back on your feet.

I would love to have you!

So would Dad. So would Brian.

Okay, what I would love to have

is my own place and my old job.

(PHONE RINGS)

- Do you wanna drive home? - Sure, okay.

WENDY: I'm mad at you, too.

(PHONE RINGS)

VERONICA: Devon. Executive Assistant.

Relevant experience;

administrative assistant to Veronica.

You recognize this, Dev?

It's your updated resume, I found it on your computer.

I update my CV regularly. So what?

So sassy, Dev, Dev.

I know that you applied for the mat leave job with Cynthia.

What, you just slither on over to her desk, huh,

'cause it's so tough down here in 4S?

That's not how it works, Dev.

You have to earn your desk, and if you don't,

well, then your career is over with cereal.

And guess what, Dev? Yours is over.

You're fired.

Your services, they're no longer needed here.

So do what you gotta do.

Call your Mom, call your Dad, I don't really care.

Just get out! Get out of my sight!

Okay, wow. You don't understand.

As usual, things just don't make a lot of sense to you, right?

I already have the job with Cynthia's desk.

I gave Vern my notice

that I was leaving your desk this morning,

and you can't fire me because I already resigned.

Re-signed!

So no need to worry yourself about anything, Veronica,

even your hairdo. It's just fine.

But here is what you and everyone in 4S can do.

You can officially suck it!

Hmm!

I'm not gonna suck it.

(FRONT DOOR OPENS)

(RACCOON PURRS)

CYNTHIA: Oh, Wenners, it's good to have you back.

Okay.

I'll go set up Don's room for ya.

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

???

???

(CAR WHOOSHES)

DON: Rita, this is not real, okay, you gotta let this go.

No, there's something going on here, Don,

and I know it's people food.

Generations of raccoons eating super nutritious people food,

causing their brains to evolve like human brains.

They're communicating on a whole new level here, Don,

and science has yet to catch up.

Raccoons do not talk to people, Rita.

Listen to yourself.

(RACCOON CHIRPS)

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