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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,984 --> 00:00:02,150 We have to transform those sex bots. 2 00:00:02,234 --> 00:00:03,734 They have to be absolutely convincing. 3 00:00:03,818 --> 00:00:06,067 What if we connect a real Comms Link 4 00:00:06,150 --> 00:00:07,109 to their prop headsets. 5 00:00:07,401 --> 00:00:09,734 That is exactly the sort of idea I should have had, 6 00:00:09,818 --> 00:00:11,109 if I weren't a complete fraud. 7 00:00:11,192 --> 00:00:12,192 ♪ (MUSIC PLAYS) ♪ 8 00:00:12,275 --> 00:00:13,693 Here's an idea to get people to like you, 9 00:00:13,776 --> 00:00:16,275 cocktail party. You can meet 19 people a week. 10 00:00:16,359 --> 00:00:17,442 Don't people come in couples? 11 00:00:17,526 --> 00:00:20,192 No, widows, widowers, priests, ugly people. 12 00:00:20,275 --> 00:00:22,234 -You're not a couple. -Neither was Zeus. 13 00:00:22,442 --> 00:00:23,442 I'm basically Zeus. 14 00:00:23,651 --> 00:00:26,025 KAREN KELLY: I would suggest everyone laughing, 15 00:00:26,109 --> 00:00:28,067 hitting it off, maybe on the bridge. 16 00:00:28,150 --> 00:00:30,150 This is perfect. Get some Mr. Average 17 00:00:30,234 --> 00:00:31,734 to push that fake button we have for the kids. 18 00:00:31,818 --> 00:00:33,609 Can I join the party? Go! 19 00:00:33,776 --> 00:00:35,859 -(CROWD GASPS) -(BELLOWING) 20 00:00:35,943 --> 00:00:37,442 There's a rupture in the turd shield. 21 00:00:37,526 --> 00:00:39,275 A real captain would be out there. 22 00:00:39,442 --> 00:00:42,943 -You ready to do this? -With every fiber of my being... 23 00:00:43,234 --> 00:00:44,109 No. 24 00:00:50,651 --> 00:00:52,776 One, two. One, two. (CLEARS THROAT) 25 00:00:52,859 --> 00:00:53,818 Hello, I'm Jordan. 26 00:00:53,901 --> 00:00:55,359 Best stand-up comic this side of Mars. 27 00:00:55,442 --> 00:00:57,067 Also, the only stand-up comic this side of Mars, 28 00:00:57,150 --> 00:00:59,567 but don't tell my mum that, she's super impressed. 29 00:00:59,651 --> 00:01:01,442 (MUTTERING) Laugh, laugh, laugh. Uh... 30 00:01:01,526 --> 00:01:03,776 -Two, two. Is this thing on? -Yeah, it's on. 31 00:01:03,859 --> 00:01:05,818 No-- I know. It's a bit. 32 00:01:06,776 --> 00:01:08,192 The "is this on" thing, 33 00:01:08,275 --> 00:01:10,984 to imply that the audience weren't laughing. 34 00:01:12,025 --> 00:01:14,025 Best thing about doing stand-up in space? 35 00:01:14,109 --> 00:01:15,317 Literally no pressure. 36 00:01:16,943 --> 00:01:18,734 -Is this thing on? -Yup. 37 00:01:18,818 --> 00:01:20,442 No, I know it's... 38 00:01:22,067 --> 00:01:24,234 And then I'll plug the beer. 39 00:01:24,317 --> 00:01:27,901 And... when I first took this gig on, 40 00:01:27,984 --> 00:01:29,442 they told me that I needed 41 00:01:29,526 --> 00:01:31,401 enough material to cover the first half of the journey, 42 00:01:31,484 --> 00:01:34,776 so I guess now I need a tight one year and three quarters. 43 00:01:35,484 --> 00:01:36,275 Is that funny? 44 00:01:36,359 --> 00:01:38,442 -Or is that too much maths? -"Math." 45 00:01:38,526 --> 00:01:40,442 -(LOUD BANG) -(METAL CREAKING) 46 00:01:40,526 --> 00:01:41,776 MAN 1: I can't look! 47 00:01:41,859 --> 00:01:43,109 WOMAN 1: God! That's not good. 48 00:01:43,192 --> 00:01:46,192 -MAN 2: It's shit. -It's all shit! 49 00:01:46,275 --> 00:01:49,943 Hey, maybe they heard your set. (LAUGHS) 50 00:01:50,025 --> 00:01:51,901 ♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 51 00:02:07,192 --> 00:02:09,734 Captain, you ready to do this? 52 00:02:11,359 --> 00:02:13,275 (ENGLISH ACCENT) I'd always hoped that my last words 53 00:02:13,359 --> 00:02:14,818 might be better than... 54 00:02:14,901 --> 00:02:16,859 "Fuck me, no." 55 00:02:16,943 --> 00:02:18,609 I don't know how to attach the tether. 56 00:02:18,693 --> 00:02:22,818 There should be an instruction panel right in front of you. 57 00:02:22,901 --> 00:02:24,651 -(AMERICAN ACCENT) To attach your safety tether... 58 00:02:24,734 --> 00:02:27,859 -Oh, f... -...simply grasp the narrow end of the clamp 59 00:02:27,943 --> 00:02:29,567 to release the G Catch. 60 00:02:29,651 --> 00:02:31,693 There. That wasn't so hard, was it? 61 00:02:31,776 --> 00:02:33,567 (ENGLISH ACCENT) Well, you fucking try it. 62 00:02:36,109 --> 00:02:38,901 BILLIE MCEVOY: Okay, it's a spacewalk, so... 63 00:02:39,526 --> 00:02:40,567 walk. 64 00:02:44,526 --> 00:02:48,359 So, Captain, what exactly are you looking at? 65 00:02:48,442 --> 00:02:51,192 -The inside of my eyelids. -Ha. 66 00:02:51,275 --> 00:02:54,067 Ah. There appears to be no floor. 67 00:02:57,567 --> 00:03:01,317 Yes, Captain. You-- You really make this look easy. 68 00:03:01,401 --> 00:03:03,651 RAV MULCAIR: Why is he flailing around like that? What-- 69 00:03:03,734 --> 00:03:05,901 -No. Look. He's upright now. -Yes. 70 00:03:05,984 --> 00:03:08,776 -Uh, no, just gone back. -(SIGHS) 71 00:03:08,859 --> 00:03:10,025 Where are you going? 72 00:03:10,109 --> 00:03:12,192 I'm gonna do 600 pushups and then throw up in the sink. 73 00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:15,192 Can you get visuals on the wet suit compromise? 74 00:03:15,275 --> 00:03:18,609 "Have visuals"? What's wrong with "see"? 75 00:03:18,693 --> 00:03:20,693 -Or "come back in". -Engineering? 76 00:03:20,776 --> 00:03:22,526 -Present. -Yeah, not you. 77 00:03:22,609 --> 00:03:24,943 Looking at wet suit protocol three now. 78 00:03:25,025 --> 00:03:26,776 Captain Courageous needs to locate 79 00:03:26,859 --> 00:03:29,984 the lateral access valve where it intersects with the... 80 00:03:30,067 --> 00:03:32,192 Intersects with the binary caps 81 00:03:32,275 --> 00:03:34,192 from the lower deck. Did you get that? 82 00:03:34,275 --> 00:03:36,943 All I got from that was, "You're gonna die out here." 83 00:03:37,025 --> 00:03:39,776 BILLIE: Find a big metal wheel and turn it off. 84 00:03:39,859 --> 00:03:41,401 Estimate of her velocity, Captain? 85 00:03:41,484 --> 00:03:44,109 -RYAN CLARK: I might actually sneeze. -He can't hear you because... 86 00:03:44,192 --> 00:03:46,150 -well, you know, he's outside-- -RYAN: What happens then? 87 00:03:46,234 --> 00:03:48,401 -Billie, what's the sneezing protocol in space? -Good point. 88 00:03:48,484 --> 00:03:50,192 Get me in his ear. I'll walk him home. 89 00:03:50,275 --> 00:03:51,901 RYAN: Is there one? 90 00:03:51,984 --> 00:03:53,109 Could you look that up? 91 00:03:53,192 --> 00:03:55,067 -Hola. -Gracias. 92 00:03:55,150 --> 00:03:58,067 Yeah, in other devastating news, 93 00:03:58,150 --> 00:04:00,567 Spike is about to join the auto comms. 94 00:04:00,651 --> 00:04:02,693 (SCOFFS) The icing on the shit. 95 00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:04,401 SPIKE MARTIN: I got you now, buddy. 96 00:04:04,484 --> 00:04:08,067 -Whoa! She's a gusher. -Please don't call it "she." 97 00:04:08,150 --> 00:04:11,818 Why? That thing's powerful. And I respect it. 98 00:04:11,901 --> 00:04:14,025 BILLIE: (SCOFFS) I'm gonna go check on a valve. 99 00:04:14,109 --> 00:04:15,192 Billie? 100 00:04:15,275 --> 00:04:17,234 Okay. Mr. Tambourine Man, you're up. 101 00:04:17,317 --> 00:04:18,651 -Yeah, sure. -RYAN: Billie? 102 00:04:18,734 --> 00:04:21,984 So, we're just splitting forward, uh, protocol three. 103 00:04:22,067 --> 00:04:24,484 It's just a... thing we do. 104 00:04:24,567 --> 00:04:26,150 -MAN: We love you, Spike! -SPIKE: Okay, Captain, 105 00:04:26,234 --> 00:04:28,192 I'm splitting forward protocol three. 106 00:04:28,275 --> 00:04:31,401 It's just-- It's a thing we do. Don't worry. 107 00:04:31,484 --> 00:04:33,109 WOMAN: Make way for the shit shooter. 108 00:04:33,192 --> 00:04:37,359 -Oh God, was that me? -It's a little bit of all of us. 109 00:04:37,442 --> 00:04:40,109 Hey! I got a button on the end of my fist, 110 00:04:40,192 --> 00:04:42,859 do you wanna press it with your face? Button dick! 111 00:04:42,943 --> 00:04:44,609 (WHISPERING) I think she's talking to me. 112 00:04:44,693 --> 00:04:47,609 ♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 113 00:04:47,693 --> 00:04:50,734 RYAN: Yeah, so, nobody thought to put this wheel on the inside. 114 00:04:50,818 --> 00:04:52,859 Would that have been easier at all? 115 00:04:52,943 --> 00:04:55,234 (METAL BANGING) 116 00:04:56,734 --> 00:04:58,734 -Oh! Bugger me. -Oh no! 117 00:04:58,818 --> 00:05:01,359 Oh, I can taste last year's breakfast. 118 00:05:01,442 --> 00:05:04,526 Some guys would pay good money to have that done to them. 119 00:05:05,067 --> 00:05:07,192 And girls. Uh, women. 120 00:05:08,859 --> 00:05:10,776 Not me, though. Mm-mm. 121 00:05:10,859 --> 00:05:12,609 BILLIE: Other way, other way. 122 00:05:13,734 --> 00:05:14,734 (GASPS) 123 00:05:14,818 --> 00:05:17,901 Don't worry, Captain. You got this. 124 00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:20,401 (WHISPERS) I've got this. Turn it this way. 125 00:05:21,901 --> 00:05:23,442 (AMERICAN ACCENT) Of course I've got it! 126 00:05:23,526 --> 00:05:25,275 I was born getting it. 127 00:05:25,359 --> 00:05:27,734 (WHISPERS IN ENGLISH ACCENT) I haven't got it. Help me more. 128 00:05:28,984 --> 00:05:30,025 That's it. 129 00:05:31,734 --> 00:05:34,943 ♪ (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 130 00:05:35,025 --> 00:05:37,609 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 131 00:05:38,234 --> 00:05:40,067 -Oh! -Ugh. (SPITS) 132 00:05:42,734 --> 00:05:44,693 (LAUGHING) Yes! 133 00:05:45,567 --> 00:05:48,484 -Yeah! (LAUGHS) -Whoo! 134 00:05:48,567 --> 00:05:50,401 Alan, get me a car to Buffalo! 135 00:05:51,109 --> 00:05:52,275 You're going to the White House? 136 00:05:52,359 --> 00:05:54,275 Oh, yes. Time to do some corporate begging. 137 00:05:54,359 --> 00:05:55,442 -(GASPS) -Yes! 138 00:06:00,109 --> 00:06:02,401 (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) 139 00:06:02,484 --> 00:06:03,693 (BILLIE LAUGHS) 140 00:06:03,776 --> 00:06:07,859 HERMAN JUDD: There he is! There he is. I believed in you! 141 00:06:07,943 --> 00:06:10,984 Unlike Iris. She already rented out your cabin. 142 00:06:11,067 --> 00:06:12,567 (AMERICAN ACCENT) That was nothing! 143 00:06:12,651 --> 00:06:14,109 But then, what isn't? 144 00:06:14,192 --> 00:06:16,859 He's so modest, he could almost be British. 145 00:06:16,943 --> 00:06:18,317 Why the fuck did I say that? 146 00:06:18,401 --> 00:06:20,484 (SIGHS) I think that stuff is neurodevelopmental. 147 00:06:20,567 --> 00:06:22,275 I was very, very proud of how 148 00:06:22,359 --> 00:06:24,651 Captain Ryan followed my direction out there. 149 00:06:24,734 --> 00:06:26,776 You were out of depth on the bridge. 150 00:06:26,859 --> 00:06:29,859 Yes, you're much better suited in a secondary position. 151 00:06:29,943 --> 00:06:31,442 -BILLIE: Right, well-- -(JUDD YELLS) 152 00:06:31,526 --> 00:06:33,109 -(COUGHING, GAGGING) -(JUDD YELLING) 153 00:06:33,192 --> 00:06:34,567 Fucking balls. 154 00:06:34,651 --> 00:06:36,818 Burn those suits, they smell like hell! 155 00:06:36,901 --> 00:06:39,484 -I can actually hear that smell. -(GAGGING) 156 00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:40,901 MATT SPENCER: Hey, beautiful. 157 00:06:40,984 --> 00:06:43,234 Tonight at midnight, we reach our furthest point from Earth 158 00:06:43,317 --> 00:06:44,609 and turn around to head back. 159 00:06:44,693 --> 00:06:47,275 I know. Time flies. I don't wanna go home, either. 160 00:06:47,359 --> 00:06:49,943 But I'll see you later at the Halfway Home party. 161 00:06:50,025 --> 00:06:52,192 MAN: Hey, is-- is that true? 162 00:06:52,275 --> 00:06:54,234 Well, it was true when I said it. 163 00:06:54,317 --> 00:06:55,693 Like a marriage vow. 164 00:06:55,776 --> 00:06:57,526 And you just kept this up? 165 00:06:57,609 --> 00:07:00,067 Sure. I mean, we could still have a... 166 00:07:00,150 --> 00:07:01,984 "One Forty-Sixth of the Way Home" Party. 167 00:07:02,067 --> 00:07:03,818 -SPIKE: Yeah, that could work. -Spike gets it. 168 00:07:03,901 --> 00:07:06,234 We brought 200,000 dollars' worth of streamers. 169 00:07:06,317 --> 00:07:08,317 The only other use would be for your funeral. 170 00:07:10,442 --> 00:07:12,275 WOMAN 1: Hey. It's the shit whisperer. 171 00:07:12,359 --> 00:07:14,150 MAN 1: Hey, Benjamin Button! 172 00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:15,859 WOMAN 2: Shit stack walking. 173 00:07:15,943 --> 00:07:16,901 MAN 2: Frankenfuck. 174 00:07:16,984 --> 00:07:18,484 MAN 3: Mr. Crappatoa. 175 00:07:18,567 --> 00:07:22,943 Wow! Couldn't you just stay in this cabin all day? 176 00:07:23,025 --> 00:07:24,609 I mean, I know I could. 177 00:07:24,693 --> 00:07:26,693 And I think you should. 178 00:07:28,401 --> 00:07:29,275 Why? 179 00:07:29,359 --> 00:07:31,776 There's just so much to explore, baby. 180 00:07:31,859 --> 00:07:34,943 We have booze. Right? Who doesn't love booze? 181 00:07:35,025 --> 00:07:37,150 And-- And four books-- 182 00:07:37,234 --> 00:07:40,025 five books here! I mean that's just-- right? 183 00:07:40,109 --> 00:07:41,359 All I did was... 184 00:07:42,025 --> 00:07:43,317 And then they... 185 00:07:44,192 --> 00:07:45,234 And the-- 186 00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:48,984 Don't ever sit. 187 00:07:51,025 --> 00:07:53,150 Inflate one thousand balloons. 188 00:07:57,984 --> 00:08:00,317 I need to vet your materials for this show this evening. 189 00:08:00,401 --> 00:08:02,651 Oh, wow. So it's true. The show really does go on. 190 00:08:02,734 --> 00:08:05,025 It's in your contract. You'd be doing a show tonight 191 00:08:05,109 --> 00:08:06,484 even if this was a burned-out hulk 192 00:08:06,567 --> 00:08:08,943 full of space junk and dead animals. 193 00:08:09,025 --> 00:08:10,067 So... 194 00:08:11,275 --> 00:08:12,275 Jokes. 195 00:08:13,484 --> 00:08:14,484 Do some. 196 00:08:14,567 --> 00:08:16,651 -Okay, what makes you laugh? -Comedy. 197 00:08:16,734 --> 00:08:19,901 -Obviously. -And sometimes tragedy. 198 00:08:19,984 --> 00:08:23,025 Light tragedy. Erectile dysfunction, 199 00:08:23,109 --> 00:08:25,275 non-fatal hunting accidents, 200 00:08:25,359 --> 00:08:26,609 waving at someone you think you know 201 00:08:26,693 --> 00:08:29,484 but it turns out to be a stranger, that sort of thing. 202 00:08:29,567 --> 00:08:30,984 Now, make it topical. 203 00:08:31,067 --> 00:08:33,109 Mention "it," but don't mention it. 204 00:08:33,192 --> 00:08:35,067 "It"? That's horrible. 205 00:08:36,442 --> 00:08:37,859 Go. 206 00:08:37,943 --> 00:08:40,401 -Okay, I could start with-- -It's not called "sit-down." 207 00:08:49,567 --> 00:08:50,609 I can start with... 208 00:08:51,275 --> 00:08:52,359 "This is some hot shit." 209 00:08:52,442 --> 00:08:54,734 You know it's actually extremely cold in space? 210 00:08:54,818 --> 00:08:56,150 Are you gonna do this the whole way through? 211 00:08:56,234 --> 00:08:59,109 Yes. And I'd say you're a heckler's wet dream right now. 212 00:09:01,609 --> 00:09:04,234 (ENGLISH ACCENT) You see what I did? Did you see-- 213 00:09:04,317 --> 00:09:06,693 I put a fucking goldfish bowl on my head, 214 00:09:06,776 --> 00:09:08,901 went out there, and fixed a spaceship. 215 00:09:08,984 --> 00:09:10,192 I know. 216 00:09:10,275 --> 00:09:12,943 I need you to make it clear that it wasn't Frank's fault. 217 00:09:13,025 --> 00:09:14,984 -Who's Frank? -My husband. 218 00:09:15,067 --> 00:09:17,234 Oh! Do you mind if we don't talk about him? 219 00:09:17,317 --> 00:09:20,901 He's-- He's only there to stop his skeleton from falling over. 220 00:09:20,984 --> 00:09:22,567 Christ, I'm coming off my fucking nut. 221 00:09:22,651 --> 00:09:24,693 I feel like I could kill and eat a man. 222 00:09:24,776 --> 00:09:28,567 Oh, God! Just fuck me and don't even give me your name. 223 00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:29,901 Okay! So... 224 00:09:29,984 --> 00:09:32,401 somebody needs some soap for their mouth 225 00:09:32,484 --> 00:09:35,025 and a hot toddy for their mood. Sit. 226 00:09:35,859 --> 00:09:38,567 -(RYAN SIGHS) -Chill. 227 00:09:38,651 --> 00:09:41,818 I just did something, and I don't know what it was. 228 00:09:41,901 --> 00:09:43,693 I don't know what I'm doing. 229 00:09:43,776 --> 00:09:46,234 I don't know how anybody knows what they're doing. 230 00:09:46,317 --> 00:09:47,442 Does anybody know what they're doing? 231 00:09:47,526 --> 00:09:49,359 How does anything work? Does anybody know? 232 00:09:49,442 --> 00:09:51,317 How-- I mean who knows how that door works? 233 00:09:51,401 --> 00:09:52,401 KAREN KELLY: It doesn't work. 234 00:09:52,484 --> 00:09:54,526 Well, I didn't even know how it doesn't work. 235 00:09:54,609 --> 00:09:55,818 And look at this. 236 00:09:57,150 --> 00:09:58,484 I mean, how am I doing that? 237 00:09:58,567 --> 00:10:02,234 I do not know how the fuck I'm doing that. 238 00:10:03,150 --> 00:10:04,776 -Drink this. -Now you-- 239 00:10:04,859 --> 00:10:05,984 See, orifices! 240 00:10:06,067 --> 00:10:08,901 They're all over us! Well, that can't be safe, can it? 241 00:10:08,984 --> 00:10:10,067 You know what's ironic? 242 00:10:10,150 --> 00:10:11,984 I just left a man who can't finish his sentence, 243 00:10:12,067 --> 00:10:14,693 and here you are, and you just can't shut the F up. 244 00:10:14,776 --> 00:10:16,484 (PHONE RINGS) 245 00:10:16,567 --> 00:10:18,109 -Hi. -Hi! 246 00:10:18,192 --> 00:10:19,526 I feel a bit trapped. 247 00:10:19,609 --> 00:10:21,693 Well honey, we're all trapped. 248 00:10:22,651 --> 00:10:26,859 The sky is full of S-H-I-T. 249 00:10:26,943 --> 00:10:29,526 Oh, no. There it floats. 250 00:10:30,234 --> 00:10:31,734 Oh, bollocks. 251 00:10:33,526 --> 00:10:36,609 Oh, can everything just fuck off? 252 00:10:36,693 --> 00:10:38,943 Wait, is that-- Was that Captain Ryan? 253 00:10:39,025 --> 00:10:43,150 (STAMMERS) Ah-- Oh! Uh... It-- It was not. 254 00:10:43,234 --> 00:10:47,484 In fact, I will be back soon, tootsie roll, okay? 255 00:10:47,567 --> 00:10:49,025 (PHONE HANGS UP) 256 00:10:50,734 --> 00:10:53,275 ♪ (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪ 257 00:10:53,359 --> 00:10:54,818 MATT: I'll see you all tonight. 258 00:10:54,901 --> 00:10:56,734 Bring your children. 259 00:10:56,818 --> 00:10:58,984 Unless they have behavioral disorders. 260 00:10:59,067 --> 00:11:01,025 And bring them, too. It's a party! 261 00:11:01,109 --> 00:11:02,567 ♪ (PLAYS TWO NOTES) ♪ 262 00:11:07,401 --> 00:11:09,192 Hey, I don't wanna get you overexcited, 263 00:11:09,275 --> 00:11:12,150 but this party is going to be an orgy of the gods-- 264 00:11:12,234 --> 00:11:13,275 I don't get overexcited. 265 00:11:13,359 --> 00:11:15,234 I'm always the same fucking level of excited. 266 00:11:15,317 --> 00:11:17,192 -Right, Iris? -Yes. 267 00:11:17,275 --> 00:11:19,234 I'll have another shot of water, please. 268 00:11:19,317 --> 00:11:22,567 All right! Let's go yell in some people's faces! 269 00:11:23,818 --> 00:11:25,943 (YELLS) 270 00:11:26,025 --> 00:11:28,693 IRIS KIMURA: I'm so sorry. Please enjoy this Judd voucher 271 00:11:28,776 --> 00:11:30,150 -JUDD: Hey! -I apologize. These are... 272 00:11:30,234 --> 00:11:32,484 -JUDD: You don't need this! -...valid anywhere on the ship. 273 00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:34,818 Take the French fries. Leave the beer. 274 00:11:34,901 --> 00:11:37,192 I'm so sorry. These are valid everywhere on the ship 275 00:11:37,275 --> 00:11:38,484 -except the golf course. -All right... 276 00:11:38,567 --> 00:11:39,943 Oh, really? Can I get one of those? 277 00:11:40,025 --> 00:11:40,859 Oh! 278 00:11:40,943 --> 00:11:41,859 -Hey. -Hey, Billie. 279 00:11:41,943 --> 00:11:43,234 -You look nice. -So do you. 280 00:11:43,317 --> 00:11:46,109 I decided to go for "I just saved the ship" casual. 281 00:11:46,192 --> 00:11:47,526 (LAUGHS) "We" just saved the ship. 282 00:11:47,609 --> 00:11:48,734 -What did I say? -Yeah. 283 00:11:48,818 --> 00:11:51,192 -(APPLAUSE AND CHEERS) -(AMERICAN ACCENT) Oh, hey! 284 00:11:51,275 --> 00:11:53,317 -Come on. Stop that. -Stop. 285 00:11:53,401 --> 00:11:55,442 -Stop it. -Thank you. 286 00:11:55,526 --> 00:11:58,192 -We were just doing our job. -I was just doing my job. 287 00:11:58,275 --> 00:12:00,067 We just did what we had to do. 288 00:12:00,150 --> 00:12:01,526 -I did what I had to do. -Thank you. 289 00:12:01,609 --> 00:12:04,025 Yes. Yes. (LAUGHS) Did you see me out there? 290 00:12:04,109 --> 00:12:06,484 Do you understand, I've not slept a wink since you freaked me out. 291 00:12:06,567 --> 00:12:08,484 I'm writing my jokes on tissue paper. 292 00:12:08,567 --> 00:12:09,818 Who does that these days? 293 00:12:09,901 --> 00:12:11,943 We can delay the start by five minutes. 294 00:12:13,192 --> 00:12:15,651 Are you sure it's safe for me here? 295 00:12:15,734 --> 00:12:18,234 -I'm getting sneering looks. -Oh, honey, relax. 296 00:12:18,317 --> 00:12:20,734 Everybody's here to celebrate Captain Ryan. 297 00:12:20,818 --> 00:12:24,150 Oh my god, he looks amazing in that turtleneck. 298 00:12:24,234 --> 00:12:25,567 Listen, with him wearing that, 299 00:12:25,651 --> 00:12:27,859 I guarantee nobody is thinking about you. 300 00:12:27,943 --> 00:12:30,109 (ENGLISH ACCENT) We make a really great team. 301 00:12:30,192 --> 00:12:32,901 You saving the ship, and me thanking you for that. 302 00:12:32,984 --> 00:12:35,401 (LAUGHS) Yeah. I mean, you know, they were probably 303 00:12:35,484 --> 00:12:37,567 livestreaming the whole thing all over the world. 304 00:12:37,651 --> 00:12:39,734 So right now, I'm probably more famous 305 00:12:39,818 --> 00:12:41,859 than that guy who shat his pants at the Superbowl. 306 00:12:41,943 --> 00:12:43,609 -Daniel Radcliffe? -Yeah. 307 00:12:43,693 --> 00:12:44,943 Those two are an item. 308 00:12:45,693 --> 00:12:47,192 -Those two? No. -Yeah. 309 00:12:47,275 --> 00:12:49,359 -Yeah. -No. Nuh-uh. No. 310 00:12:49,442 --> 00:12:50,567 She's not his type. 311 00:12:51,317 --> 00:12:52,734 I mean, I think he would... 312 00:12:52,818 --> 00:12:55,317 I think he would probably want an older woman, 313 00:12:55,401 --> 00:12:58,859 you know, a woman who's more, like, mature. 314 00:12:58,943 --> 00:13:00,442 The way I see it, like... (STAMMERS) 315 00:13:00,526 --> 00:13:01,776 twenty-five hundred women on board? 316 00:13:01,859 --> 00:13:03,275 At least seven hundred of them, 317 00:13:03,359 --> 00:13:06,025 I would totally want a consensual meeting with. 318 00:13:06,109 --> 00:13:07,401 -Oh, yeah. -Yeah, yeah. 319 00:13:07,484 --> 00:13:09,567 I am gonna get me some informed consent tonight. 320 00:13:09,651 --> 00:13:11,609 Just some sweet, sweet informed consent 321 00:13:11,693 --> 00:13:13,109 from a strong autonomous woman-- 322 00:13:13,192 --> 00:13:16,234 Hey guys, did you hear that? I-- I think that was the sound 323 00:13:16,317 --> 00:13:18,484 of seven hundred vaginas snapping shut. 324 00:13:18,567 --> 00:13:19,859 -It's not. -(MIA EXHALES) 325 00:13:19,943 --> 00:13:23,859 Now, if you'll excuse me, I am horny as hell, 326 00:13:23,943 --> 00:13:27,067 so I am gonna go out and get my body slammed. 327 00:13:27,150 --> 00:13:28,442 And it's okay that she said-- 328 00:13:28,526 --> 00:13:30,192 -We're-- We're separated. -Oh. 329 00:13:30,275 --> 00:13:32,109 They just haven't found me my own cabin yet. 330 00:13:32,192 --> 00:13:33,275 Oh, we, uh... (CLEARS THROAT) 331 00:13:33,359 --> 00:13:34,317 -We should... -Yeah, we should. 332 00:13:34,401 --> 00:13:36,442 I'll freshen up and see you down there. 333 00:13:36,526 --> 00:13:38,317 That means he has to have a little cry. 334 00:13:38,401 --> 00:13:39,317 I really don't. 335 00:13:39,401 --> 00:13:41,734 -Shots? -You know, I usually don't drink 336 00:13:41,818 --> 00:13:43,901 because it makes me blunt and opinionated. 337 00:13:43,984 --> 00:13:45,150 As opposed to? 338 00:13:45,234 --> 00:13:46,442 Hey, everyone. 339 00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:48,109 Welcome to the Halfway Home party. 340 00:13:48,192 --> 00:13:49,693 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 341 00:13:49,776 --> 00:13:51,984 Now, in a second, I'm gonna bring out 342 00:13:52,067 --> 00:13:54,567 our comedian for the evening. His name's Jordan Hatwal. 343 00:13:54,651 --> 00:13:57,317 He is... (CHUCKLES) ...extremely nervous. 344 00:13:57,401 --> 00:13:59,567 Okay? But I know you guys are gonna love him. 345 00:13:59,651 --> 00:14:00,651 Right? 346 00:14:00,734 --> 00:14:02,150 -WOMAN: (FLATLY) Yeah. -MAN: Hey. 347 00:14:02,234 --> 00:14:03,901 -(WEAK APPLAUSE) -Okay. Okay. 348 00:14:03,984 --> 00:14:05,734 I think that's probably gonna make him more nervous 349 00:14:05,818 --> 00:14:07,150 'cause it was pretty underwhelming. 350 00:14:07,234 --> 00:14:08,901 Let's try it again, right? 351 00:14:08,984 --> 00:14:10,776 Are you excited for Jordan Hatwal? 352 00:14:10,859 --> 00:14:12,901 (CHEERING) 353 00:14:13,609 --> 00:14:14,693 Okay, okay. 354 00:14:14,776 --> 00:14:17,150 (LAUGHS) Okay. I don't think he can live up to that. 355 00:14:17,234 --> 00:14:18,401 You know, if he was that good, 356 00:14:18,484 --> 00:14:20,651 he'd probably be doing arena shows on Earth. 357 00:14:20,734 --> 00:14:22,901 Um... But... 358 00:14:22,984 --> 00:14:25,693 Now that I've lowered your expectations again, 359 00:14:25,776 --> 00:14:28,234 I think you might be pleasantly surprised 360 00:14:28,317 --> 00:14:32,484 by the competent, workmanlike comedy of Jordan Hatwal. 361 00:14:32,567 --> 00:14:35,067 But before he comes out to win you over 362 00:14:35,150 --> 00:14:36,984 or die horribly, 363 00:14:37,067 --> 00:14:39,818 I want to give a big round of applause 364 00:14:39,901 --> 00:14:42,526 to our heroes, Captain Ryan Clark... 365 00:14:42,609 --> 00:14:44,901 -♪ (FANFARE PLAYS) ♪ -(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) 366 00:14:46,859 --> 00:14:48,067 (WHOOPS) 367 00:14:51,067 --> 00:14:52,901 -...and... -Billie McEvoy! 368 00:14:52,984 --> 00:14:56,025 ...former astronaut Spike Martin. 369 00:14:56,359 --> 00:14:57,359 What? 370 00:15:00,609 --> 00:15:02,901 Okay. Jordan, are you ready to go? 371 00:15:02,984 --> 00:15:03,776 Yep. 372 00:15:03,859 --> 00:15:05,859 Listen to him, he's nervous, right? 373 00:15:05,943 --> 00:15:07,484 -AUDIENCE: Yeah! -Yeah! Okay! 374 00:15:07,567 --> 00:15:09,067 Please put your hands together 375 00:15:09,150 --> 00:15:13,317 or silently reserve judgement for Jordan Hatwal. 376 00:15:13,401 --> 00:15:16,484 (WHOOPS AND CHEERS) 377 00:15:16,567 --> 00:15:19,109 JORDAN HATWAL: All right. Hey, how you doin'? 378 00:15:19,818 --> 00:15:21,025 Uh... 379 00:15:21,109 --> 00:15:22,776 I've been asleep for the last 120 hours, what did I miss? 380 00:15:22,859 --> 00:15:24,359 We're stuck up here for three years. 381 00:15:24,442 --> 00:15:26,901 Okay, guys. That was his first joke, 382 00:15:26,984 --> 00:15:28,401 so you can laugh, it's okay to laugh. 383 00:15:28,484 --> 00:15:29,442 Matt, don't-- Don't do that. 384 00:15:29,526 --> 00:15:30,818 I'm just-- I'm just trying to help. 385 00:15:30,901 --> 00:15:33,442 (LAUGHS) Yeah, it's-- it's hard doing, uh, 386 00:15:33,526 --> 00:15:35,818 a Halfway Home gig when, I mean, we're not even halfway-- 387 00:15:35,901 --> 00:15:38,275 -Ah! I vetoed that angle. -Uh... okay. 388 00:15:38,359 --> 00:15:41,442 Guys, pretend that we're 21 months into the voyage. 389 00:15:41,526 --> 00:15:43,234 Right? Is-- is that helpful? 390 00:15:43,317 --> 00:15:44,359 -JORDAN: No. -Yes. 391 00:15:44,442 --> 00:15:46,025 (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Doesn't-- It's not helpful. 392 00:15:46,109 --> 00:15:48,609 Do you want-- Do you wanna come up here and do the set? 393 00:15:48,693 --> 00:15:49,859 Sure, yeah. 394 00:15:49,943 --> 00:15:51,776 I wasn't actually asking. (LAUGHS) 395 00:15:51,859 --> 00:15:53,317 Oh, you were joking? 396 00:15:53,401 --> 00:15:55,150 Yep, that was a joke. 397 00:15:55,234 --> 00:15:56,609 That's what I'm here to do. 398 00:15:56,693 --> 00:15:58,776 It's like the joke police over here. 399 00:15:58,859 --> 00:16:00,609 Anyway, shoehorns... 400 00:16:00,693 --> 00:16:04,025 -pretty weird, aren't they? -(LAUGHS) Yes! 401 00:16:04,901 --> 00:16:05,776 (NADIA GIGGLING) 402 00:16:05,859 --> 00:16:06,984 MAN: Thank you for your service! 403 00:16:07,067 --> 00:16:09,109 You're real-life heroes! 404 00:16:09,192 --> 00:16:11,567 -NADIA: People loved us. -No, no, no, I'm sorry, no. 405 00:16:11,651 --> 00:16:14,359 I don't get it. I just don't-- I don't get this, this-- 406 00:16:14,442 --> 00:16:16,442 I arm-wrestled with space 407 00:16:16,526 --> 00:16:19,693 -and I won, so that was me. -Speaking of arms, 408 00:16:19,776 --> 00:16:21,651 -yours are so firm. -Oh? 409 00:16:21,734 --> 00:16:24,651 How do you find gym time in between saving lives? 410 00:16:24,734 --> 00:16:26,150 (BOTH LAUGH) 411 00:16:26,234 --> 00:16:29,317 (STUTTERS) Well, f-- f-- firm is my middle name. 412 00:16:29,401 --> 00:16:30,984 What's your first name? 413 00:16:31,067 --> 00:16:33,067 -Colin. -Colin Firm. 414 00:16:33,150 --> 00:16:35,275 Yeah, Colin Firm Erbifritz. 415 00:16:35,359 --> 00:16:37,609 Oh, is that Italian? 416 00:16:37,693 --> 00:16:38,693 -No, it's actu-- -Who cares? 417 00:16:38,776 --> 00:16:39,818 -Okay. -Okay. 418 00:16:39,901 --> 00:16:42,734 Oh! Guess who else will be on the prowl tonight? 419 00:16:42,818 --> 00:16:45,943 Captain Ryan Clark, ladies and gentlemen. 420 00:16:46,025 --> 00:16:50,609 He's as horny and as hairy as a tomcat, and I should know, 421 00:16:50,693 --> 00:16:54,359 because back in the day, he put a baby up me. 422 00:16:54,442 --> 00:16:55,734 -Wow! -Wow. 423 00:16:55,818 --> 00:16:59,234 Was your oxygen restricted in your early developmental years? 424 00:16:59,317 --> 00:17:02,234 Oh, you can't wash the shame away, Frank. 425 00:17:02,317 --> 00:17:04,567 Next time leave it to the professionals, 426 00:17:04,651 --> 00:17:05,859 you silly man. 427 00:17:05,943 --> 00:17:08,234 Why can't the Captain be a womanizer? 428 00:17:08,317 --> 00:17:09,901 Or a man-anizer? 429 00:17:09,984 --> 00:17:11,150 He can do what he wants. 430 00:17:11,234 --> 00:17:12,359 I actually don't care at this point. 431 00:17:12,442 --> 00:17:15,359 -Captain Clark is a sex man? -SARAH: He's a dog. 432 00:17:15,442 --> 00:17:17,526 Hey, fuck it. Shall we start a conga? 433 00:17:17,609 --> 00:17:18,859 -(ALL CHEERING) -Let's do a conga. 434 00:17:18,943 --> 00:17:20,317 -Whoo! -Frank, come on. 435 00:17:20,401 --> 00:17:22,776 -NADIA: Allez. -SARAH: Hey, hey, hey. 436 00:17:22,859 --> 00:17:24,818 (SINGING) ♪ He cannot press a button ♪ 437 00:17:24,901 --> 00:17:26,776 -Whoo! -♪ Doo doo doo ♪ 438 00:17:26,859 --> 00:17:29,984 ♪ (SINGING CONTINUES) ♪ 439 00:17:30,067 --> 00:17:31,401 MIA: Come on, let's get outta here. Okay! 440 00:17:31,484 --> 00:17:33,442 -SARAH: ♪ He always fucks it up ♪ -NADIA: Fucks it up! 441 00:17:33,526 --> 00:17:35,275 -(MIA GIGGLING) I'm sorry. -JORDAN: Oh, check it out. 442 00:17:35,359 --> 00:17:37,025 -(MIA GIGGLING) -(JORDAN CHUCKLES) 443 00:17:37,109 --> 00:17:39,734 Uh, first person that's laughed in quite some time. 444 00:17:39,818 --> 00:17:41,150 Hey, you wanna come back to my place? 445 00:17:41,234 --> 00:17:42,901 Sure, yeah, I'll take it where I can get it. 446 00:17:42,984 --> 00:17:45,651 -A hole's a hole. -Oh... No, thank you. 447 00:17:45,734 --> 00:17:47,025 I-- I have a flight simulation game 448 00:17:47,109 --> 00:17:48,818 I would love to play with you. Be an honor, sir. 449 00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:51,234 Oh, okay, well, I'll batten down the sexual hatches. 450 00:17:51,317 --> 00:17:52,818 Let's fly some ships. 451 00:17:52,901 --> 00:17:56,192 Uh... So, um... Do you remember the, uh, 452 00:17:56,275 --> 00:17:58,901 the phones that you had to plug in to charge? 453 00:17:58,984 --> 00:17:59,984 Yes, I do. 454 00:18:00,776 --> 00:18:03,192 Yeah, well, they... 455 00:18:04,317 --> 00:18:05,651 They were, um... 456 00:18:06,567 --> 00:18:10,067 Uh... no. No, that one's gone. 457 00:18:10,150 --> 00:18:11,275 Just give it a second. 458 00:18:11,359 --> 00:18:12,984 'Cause this could be good when you think of it. 459 00:18:13,067 --> 00:18:15,401 -IRIS: They had a cord. -They had a cord, yeah. 460 00:18:15,484 --> 00:18:17,818 I don't think that was the punchline, though. Um... 461 00:18:18,442 --> 00:18:19,734 Promote the beer. 462 00:18:19,818 --> 00:18:21,234 (PHONE RINGS) 463 00:18:23,234 --> 00:18:25,567 -RYAN: Hey! -You can probably tell from our expressions that, uh... 464 00:18:25,651 --> 00:18:28,275 -we need to talk face-to-face. -Oh, no, no, no. You're talking. You should-- no. 465 00:18:28,359 --> 00:18:30,275 'Cause I called you, so you should really wait. 466 00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:32,651 -Anyway, doesn't matter. -Ryan, we have to tell you something. 467 00:18:32,734 --> 00:18:35,192 -I know, it was impressive-- -Now, it's not bad. 468 00:18:35,275 --> 00:18:37,234 (STAMMERS) Wait-- What-- What do you mean, "bad"? 469 00:18:37,317 --> 00:18:38,943 We love you, but... 470 00:18:39,025 --> 00:18:41,818 we didn't sign up for three and a half years, and... 471 00:18:41,901 --> 00:18:44,150 -with that crazy spacewalk... -RYAN: Ah, yes. 472 00:18:44,234 --> 00:18:46,109 -CRIS: ...we can't-- -You're looking at a hero, basically. 473 00:18:46,192 --> 00:18:48,484 -We can't take the stress. -The wh-- what? 474 00:18:48,567 --> 00:18:50,192 You lose the plot, you lose your slot. 475 00:18:50,275 --> 00:18:54,317 "Slot"? This is a marriage, not a fucking squash court. 476 00:18:54,401 --> 00:18:55,609 We're getting trivorced. 477 00:18:55,693 --> 00:18:57,234 Two-thirds majority. Motion carried. 478 00:18:57,317 --> 00:18:59,734 -What about our vows? "Hand in hand in hand"? -CRIS: No, sorry. 479 00:19:03,401 --> 00:19:05,818 And then I downed it in one and I threw up on... 480 00:19:05,901 --> 00:19:07,567 uh, on her dress, and... 481 00:19:08,442 --> 00:19:09,818 That was the end of... 482 00:19:09,901 --> 00:19:12,109 end of prom and, um... 483 00:19:12,192 --> 00:19:13,943 that's the first time I had a drink. 484 00:19:14,025 --> 00:19:15,818 Uh, but it was a Judd Light, 485 00:19:15,901 --> 00:19:18,609 and Judd Light is available throughout the ship. 486 00:19:18,693 --> 00:19:21,693 Um, it's, a-- a liquid party. 487 00:19:23,693 --> 00:19:25,984 I'm right in here. (GIGGLES) 488 00:19:26,067 --> 00:19:28,192 -What are you doing? -(MUMBLES) 489 00:19:28,275 --> 00:19:29,943 -What? -Just going in my room. 490 00:19:30,025 --> 00:19:31,693 -Why are you here? -It's my room. 491 00:19:31,776 --> 00:19:33,734 If you're trying to trick us into a foursome, 492 00:19:33,818 --> 00:19:35,234 there's no tricking needed. 493 00:19:35,317 --> 00:19:37,526 This isn't a foursome, it's a twosome. 494 00:19:37,609 --> 00:19:39,693 -I'm easy. -You guys stay here. 495 00:19:41,067 --> 00:19:42,484 MIA: Why'd you bring the peat bog man? 496 00:19:42,567 --> 00:19:43,818 DOUG: We're going on my flight simulator. 497 00:19:43,901 --> 00:19:45,192 MIA: Well, you need to vacate the room 498 00:19:45,275 --> 00:19:46,567 because I'll be making love everywhere. 499 00:19:46,651 --> 00:19:49,109 Hey, yeah, we could-- we could go to yours. 500 00:19:49,192 --> 00:19:51,192 -Can I keep that as a backup? -Oh, sure, yeah. 501 00:19:51,275 --> 00:19:53,025 Give 'em a minute, see what pans out. 502 00:19:53,109 --> 00:19:54,693 MIA: Colin Firm, get in here! 503 00:19:54,776 --> 00:19:55,693 What? 504 00:19:55,776 --> 00:19:58,067 Sorry, Doug, the viewing gallery is closed. 505 00:19:58,901 --> 00:20:00,859 Come on. Let's just do it quickly. 506 00:20:00,943 --> 00:20:01,984 -MADS: No... -MIA: No, no, no. 507 00:20:02,067 --> 00:20:03,567 -Just do it quickly, before he-- -Do it! 508 00:20:03,651 --> 00:20:05,067 -MIA: Who cares about him? -MADS: No no, I-- 509 00:20:05,150 --> 00:20:06,984 -Do it! Do it! -MIA: You want it, you want it. 510 00:20:07,067 --> 00:20:08,317 Don't be a pussy, Colin! 511 00:20:08,401 --> 00:20:10,359 (STAMMERS) I'm sorry-- I wasn't trained for this, I'm sorry. 512 00:20:10,442 --> 00:20:11,693 This reminds me of my last days 513 00:20:11,776 --> 00:20:13,150 on the International Space Station. 514 00:20:13,234 --> 00:20:14,275 That was a scene! 515 00:20:16,234 --> 00:20:17,526 I ruined it for her. 516 00:20:17,609 --> 00:20:19,150 (VOICE BREAKING) So I won. 517 00:20:19,234 --> 00:20:20,484 (SOBS) 518 00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:22,943 So, my last relationship didn't end well. 519 00:20:23,025 --> 00:20:26,109 Uh, but-- Well, in some ways you could say it did. 520 00:20:26,192 --> 00:20:28,901 'Cause my girlfriend fell down a well. 521 00:20:28,984 --> 00:20:30,150 Gravity, what a downer. 522 00:20:30,234 --> 00:20:33,401 JUDD: No, no, no, no. Uh-uh. No. No. 523 00:20:33,484 --> 00:20:35,401 Hey, it's Mr. Judd, everyone. 524 00:20:35,484 --> 00:20:37,567 No, hold your applause. 525 00:20:37,651 --> 00:20:40,442 Four people died because of that gravity fail. 526 00:20:40,526 --> 00:20:42,442 Don't joke about stuff like that. 527 00:20:44,484 --> 00:20:47,484 Maybe that's why your girlfriend jumped down that well, 528 00:20:47,567 --> 00:20:50,234 'cause of those kind of jokes. 529 00:20:50,317 --> 00:20:52,693 JORDAN: She didn't, she just left me-- 530 00:20:52,776 --> 00:20:55,025 I was gonna say a few words later, 531 00:20:55,109 --> 00:20:57,067 but now that "Uhhh" 532 00:20:57,150 --> 00:20:59,984 sucked all the good energy out of the room and just... 533 00:21:00,067 --> 00:21:03,651 flushed it out into space like... (SPLUTTERS) 534 00:21:04,526 --> 00:21:05,943 I'm just gonna read it now. 535 00:21:08,442 --> 00:21:10,943 "As you know, this was meant to be the halfway point, 536 00:21:11,025 --> 00:21:12,567 but we're not halfway. 537 00:21:12,651 --> 00:21:13,609 And yet, in so many ways, 538 00:21:13,693 --> 00:21:15,859 we're more... (SNIFFLES) ...than halfway." 539 00:21:16,859 --> 00:21:18,442 -Iris, who wrote this? -I did. 540 00:21:18,526 --> 00:21:20,025 And is it like this all the way through, 541 00:21:20,109 --> 00:21:21,442 or does it get any better? 542 00:21:21,526 --> 00:21:23,693 Well, that was the best part, and you kind of threw it away. 543 00:21:23,776 --> 00:21:25,693 Fuck! 544 00:21:26,192 --> 00:21:27,025 All right. 545 00:21:27,109 --> 00:21:28,734 "Because we've come a long way, 546 00:21:28,818 --> 00:21:30,150 and I'm proud of you 547 00:21:30,526 --> 00:21:31,901 and of me, 548 00:21:31,984 --> 00:21:35,442 and I'm inspired by you and me." 549 00:21:35,526 --> 00:21:37,776 (EXHALES LOUDLY) I'm just gonna skip to the end. 550 00:21:37,859 --> 00:21:39,317 -Yep. -JUDD: All right. 551 00:21:39,401 --> 00:21:40,943 "We can do this! We're nearly there! 552 00:21:41,025 --> 00:21:42,609 We're not, but we are!" 553 00:21:42,693 --> 00:21:45,567 (SCATTERED APPLAUSE) 554 00:21:51,651 --> 00:21:53,192 Ever been to Buffalo before? 555 00:21:53,275 --> 00:21:55,109 -(RAV'S PHONE RINGS) -It's changed a lot 556 00:21:55,192 --> 00:21:56,693 since they moved the White House there. 557 00:21:56,776 --> 00:21:58,818 -For a start-- -RAV: Shut up. 558 00:21:58,901 --> 00:22:01,067 Alan, this better not be bad news. I-- 559 00:22:02,067 --> 00:22:03,484 What the fuck is that? 560 00:22:03,567 --> 00:22:06,401 ALAN LEWIS: I'm afraid some of the, uh, residual matter 561 00:22:06,484 --> 00:22:09,067 hasn't escaped the ship's gravitational pull. 562 00:22:11,651 --> 00:22:13,067 Okay. Well... 563 00:22:13,984 --> 00:22:14,984 It's a ring of shit. 564 00:22:15,067 --> 00:22:16,234 -ALAN: Mm. -A ring of shit? 565 00:22:16,317 --> 00:22:17,984 Could you just--? Back to the book. 566 00:22:18,067 --> 00:22:20,067 On the upside, you can't see the coffins anymore. 567 00:22:20,943 --> 00:22:22,109 Oh, no. There's one. 568 00:22:24,651 --> 00:22:28,067 Get ready to pretend we're ten minutes to halfway there. 569 00:22:28,150 --> 00:22:29,859 Mmm! 570 00:22:29,943 --> 00:22:31,067 Could I get another one of those? 571 00:22:31,150 --> 00:22:32,359 -WAITRESS: Sure. -BILLIE: Um... 572 00:22:32,442 --> 00:22:36,442 Billie, don't ever, ever show anyone your feelings. 573 00:22:36,526 --> 00:22:39,609 All right? Just bury them as deep as you can. 574 00:22:39,693 --> 00:22:41,484 Scrunch them up into a little tiny ball 575 00:22:41,567 --> 00:22:43,192 and then just... (GROWLS) 576 00:22:43,275 --> 00:22:45,651 Grow a couple of ulcers if you wanna mark the spot, 577 00:22:45,734 --> 00:22:49,526 but otherwise, just smile, pretend everything's fine. 578 00:22:49,609 --> 00:22:53,192 -You're not a happy drunk. -I'm not a happy anything. 579 00:22:53,275 --> 00:22:55,693 -MAN: You the man! -(AMERICAN ACCENT) Hi, there. Hey. 580 00:22:55,776 --> 00:22:58,275 JUDD: Is it-- Why is the shit still outside there? 581 00:22:58,984 --> 00:23:00,067 (YELLS) Iris! 582 00:23:00,734 --> 00:23:02,234 It's getting thicker. 583 00:23:02,317 --> 00:23:03,943 IRIS: We're-- We're working on it. 584 00:23:05,109 --> 00:23:08,192 All right, that's Mr. Judd, everybody. Give it up. 585 00:23:08,275 --> 00:23:09,359 -(FAINT APPLAUSE) -(TAPS MICROPHONE) 586 00:23:09,442 --> 00:23:10,859 -SOUND TECH: Yeah, it's on. -I know it's on-- 587 00:23:10,943 --> 00:23:13,192 MAN: You're gonna have to compensate us for this. 588 00:23:13,275 --> 00:23:14,693 This is your fault. 589 00:23:14,776 --> 00:23:16,609 I mean, it's Frank's fault. 590 00:23:16,693 --> 00:23:18,109 He hit the big brown button. 591 00:23:18,192 --> 00:23:20,609 -MAN: Yeah. -You mean, shit the button. 592 00:23:20,693 --> 00:23:22,109 See, that's comedy, man. 593 00:23:22,192 --> 00:23:24,234 That right there is comedy, word play. 594 00:23:24,317 --> 00:23:25,484 (CHUCKLES) I love it. 595 00:23:25,567 --> 00:23:28,275 Hey, Frank, what if I came and took a shit 596 00:23:28,359 --> 00:23:29,734 outside of your room? 597 00:23:29,818 --> 00:23:33,192 (CHUCKLING) The shit is already outside my room. 598 00:23:33,275 --> 00:23:35,067 Okay. Then I'll come take a shit 599 00:23:35,150 --> 00:23:37,150 -inside your room. -(AUDIENCE JEERING) 600 00:23:37,234 --> 00:23:39,734 I'll pay for the cleanup, so you can do it again tomorrow. 601 00:23:39,818 --> 00:23:41,609 (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) 602 00:23:41,693 --> 00:23:44,234 We should shit Frank out the airlock. 603 00:23:44,317 --> 00:23:47,150 You hurt him without my consent and involvement 604 00:23:47,234 --> 00:23:49,401 and I will harm you deeply. 605 00:23:49,484 --> 00:23:52,234 (CHANTING) Shit. Him. Out. 606 00:23:52,317 --> 00:23:54,943 -(AUDIENCE JOINS CHANT) -WOMAN: Shit him out! Yeah. 607 00:23:55,025 --> 00:23:57,484 -Shit him out! (LAUGHS) -Shit him out! 608 00:23:57,567 --> 00:23:58,734 Shit him out! 609 00:23:58,818 --> 00:24:00,734 JORDAN: Guys, come on, calm down. 610 00:24:00,818 --> 00:24:02,442 -Whoo! Shit him out! -Shit him out! 611 00:24:02,526 --> 00:24:05,109 Hey, who remembers the last Oscars? That was a real shitshow, wasn't it? 612 00:24:05,192 --> 00:24:06,776 They gave an award to a sparrow. 613 00:24:06,859 --> 00:24:08,192 (ENGLISH ACCENT) Do you have... 614 00:24:08,275 --> 00:24:10,025 Do you have a whistle you can blow to keep him under control? 615 00:24:10,109 --> 00:24:11,526 -Shit him out! -IRIS: When he gets like this, 616 00:24:11,609 --> 00:24:13,442 it's best to just let him wear himself out. 617 00:24:13,526 --> 00:24:15,943 -Security! Shit him the shit... -FRANK KELLY: All right, all right, I understand you're-- 618 00:24:16,025 --> 00:24:17,275 ...out of the airlock and into the shit! 619 00:24:17,359 --> 00:24:19,234 KAREN: You need to shut the F up 620 00:24:19,317 --> 00:24:22,275 before I knock you the F-- Frank! 621 00:24:22,359 --> 00:24:23,359 -Frank! -Shit him out! 622 00:24:23,442 --> 00:24:26,192 -Frank! Frank! -Shit him out! Shit him out! 623 00:24:26,734 --> 00:24:28,275 Frank! Frank! 624 00:24:28,359 --> 00:24:30,859 Hey! Put him down, he's mine! 625 00:24:31,609 --> 00:24:33,901 No! Stop murdering someone! 626 00:24:33,984 --> 00:24:35,067 Frank! 627 00:24:35,150 --> 00:24:37,067 (CLAMORING AND CHANTING) 628 00:24:37,609 --> 00:24:39,025 Do something! 629 00:24:40,943 --> 00:24:43,651 Well, I guess things are looking up for-- Oh, thank fuck. 630 00:24:43,734 --> 00:24:45,984 (CHEERING AND WHISTLING) 631 00:24:46,067 --> 00:24:48,109 -(MICROPHONE SQUEALS) -(CROWD SILENCES) 632 00:24:48,192 --> 00:24:51,150 (AMERICAN ACCENT) Calm... and I cannot stress this enough... 633 00:24:51,234 --> 00:24:53,984 (YELLS) the fuck down! 634 00:24:54,067 --> 00:24:57,150 Mr. Judd did not mean shit anybody out. 635 00:24:57,234 --> 00:24:59,317 He was making a joke. 636 00:24:59,401 --> 00:25:00,693 (SCOFFS) Yeah. Yeah. 637 00:25:00,776 --> 00:25:03,109 You guys don't understand comedy. 638 00:25:03,192 --> 00:25:04,150 I do. 639 00:25:04,234 --> 00:25:07,192 What I did back there, that was comedy. Idiots. 640 00:25:07,275 --> 00:25:10,067 Uh... right, and the comedy was, may I say, 641 00:25:10,150 --> 00:25:13,567 exquisitely performed, unlike this guy, who... 642 00:25:13,651 --> 00:25:16,818 I assume was abused by a punchline when he was a kid. 643 00:25:16,901 --> 00:25:17,859 (CROWD LAUGHS) 644 00:25:17,984 --> 00:25:19,442 -Oh, come on! -RYAN: Taking his revenge-- 645 00:25:19,526 --> 00:25:20,901 Do you mind? Please! 646 00:25:20,984 --> 00:25:24,317 Okay, security, can we-- can we bring Frank back down? 647 00:25:24,401 --> 00:25:26,693 Right? Let's bring-- Let's bring Frank back down. 648 00:25:26,776 --> 00:25:28,359 -(MUTTERING) Oh, thank God. -MAN: Whoo! 649 00:25:28,442 --> 00:25:29,484 RYAN: Thank you. 650 00:25:29,567 --> 00:25:31,818 And can we, uh, render him vertical? 651 00:25:32,776 --> 00:25:34,317 There we go. 652 00:25:34,401 --> 00:25:37,359 Okay. Now, do you know what's gonna get us out of this? 653 00:25:37,442 --> 00:25:38,526 A big rocket? 654 00:25:38,609 --> 00:25:39,401 Uh, no. 655 00:25:39,484 --> 00:25:41,359 That-- Well, yes, that would be... 656 00:25:41,442 --> 00:25:43,693 Okay, there's two ways we can get out of this. 657 00:25:43,776 --> 00:25:45,192 Captain Ryan saved you, okay? 658 00:25:45,275 --> 00:25:48,025 So you just owe him a big handshake. 659 00:25:48,109 --> 00:25:49,943 -Go on. Go ahead. -RYAN: Teamwork. 660 00:25:50,025 --> 00:25:52,859 We together as a team. All right? 661 00:25:52,943 --> 00:25:55,401 Like the Egyptians building the pyramids. 662 00:25:55,484 --> 00:25:57,275 We can be like... bricks 663 00:25:57,359 --> 00:25:58,818 in one of those Mexican palaces 664 00:25:58,901 --> 00:26:01,234 with the steps up the side, we climb the steps-- 665 00:26:01,317 --> 00:26:02,901 -(FRANK GRUNTS) -(MICROPHONE SQUEALS) 666 00:26:02,984 --> 00:26:04,067 -Frank! -MAN: Whoa. 667 00:26:04,150 --> 00:26:07,693 (YELLS) You stay away from my wife, you jackal! 668 00:26:07,776 --> 00:26:11,109 Or you will have me and my wife to deal with! 669 00:26:11,818 --> 00:26:14,150 Got it? Captain Turtleneck? 670 00:26:14,234 --> 00:26:15,109 -Frank! -Honey-- 671 00:26:15,192 --> 00:26:16,609 -That was wrong. -Honey-- 672 00:26:16,693 --> 00:26:18,025 Hot, but wrong. 673 00:26:18,109 --> 00:26:19,818 -We're ten seconds from Halfway Home. -JORDAN: So, uh... 674 00:26:19,901 --> 00:26:21,901 -It's funny, isn't it? You call them "elevators." -MATT: Ten. Nine... 675 00:26:21,984 --> 00:26:25,025 -Uh, but they just don't elevate they also... lower. -MATT: Eight. Seven. Six. Seven. 676 00:26:25,109 --> 00:26:26,067 And zero! 677 00:26:26,150 --> 00:26:29,234 -(CHEERING) -♪ (PARTY MUSIC STARTS) ♪ 678 00:26:29,317 --> 00:26:30,818 We're halfway home! 679 00:26:30,901 --> 00:26:34,693 Let's party so loud, they hear us back on Earth. 680 00:26:34,776 --> 00:26:36,901 MAN: Who threw that? You are dead man. 681 00:26:36,984 --> 00:26:38,818 All right, or woman, let's not be sexist. 682 00:26:38,901 --> 00:26:40,359 But actually, no, it was-- it was a man. 683 00:26:40,442 --> 00:26:41,693 -It was him there. -(GRUNTS) 684 00:26:41,776 --> 00:26:43,984 Not him. Him! 685 00:26:46,442 --> 00:26:48,442 -This is all on you. -What? 686 00:26:48,526 --> 00:26:49,609 You had one job. 687 00:26:49,693 --> 00:26:51,567 I expect. I'm not sure exactly what you do. 688 00:26:51,651 --> 00:26:54,651 I saved everybody, so I think the words you're looking for 689 00:26:54,734 --> 00:26:55,943 are "thank you, Billie" 690 00:26:56,025 --> 00:26:58,526 and "I'm sorry I've got a rod up my metal ass." 691 00:26:58,609 --> 00:27:00,359 I hope you're trampled by this conga line-- 692 00:27:00,442 --> 00:27:01,609 Whoa! 693 00:27:01,693 --> 00:27:04,901 Iris, I'll be in my cabin with a protein ball and a gun. 694 00:27:04,984 --> 00:27:07,567 -Yes, Mr. Judd-- -JUDD: (BANGS ON GLASS) Iris! 695 00:27:07,651 --> 00:27:09,484 (YELLING) I heard you! 696 00:27:11,025 --> 00:27:12,484 JORDAN: Well, I think that's my time. 697 00:27:12,567 --> 00:27:15,609 So thanks for coming, everyone, to see the funniest man 698 00:27:15,693 --> 00:27:17,109 in the universe. 699 00:27:17,192 --> 00:27:19,776 That's me, in case it wasn't clear. 700 00:27:19,859 --> 00:27:24,818 I think everything will be okay if we just stick together. 701 00:27:24,901 --> 00:27:28,150 (ENGLISH ACCENT) Worked for every extinct species in history. 702 00:27:28,234 --> 00:27:29,943 MATT: What a crazy night, right? 703 00:27:31,234 --> 00:27:32,442 Knock, knock. 704 00:27:33,776 --> 00:27:36,234 (CHUCKLES) Knock, knock. 705 00:27:37,025 --> 00:27:38,442 (MATT CHUCKLES AGAIN) 706 00:27:40,526 --> 00:27:42,484 -These-- These people are... -(PHONE CHIMES) 707 00:27:42,567 --> 00:27:44,192 ...the bravest and the boldest. 708 00:27:44,275 --> 00:27:48,609 They are humanity's finest, and they need safe-- 709 00:27:48,693 --> 00:27:51,484 (CLAMORING AND SINGING) 710 00:27:51,567 --> 00:27:53,526 -(LAUGHTER) -(CHEERING) 711 00:27:54,693 --> 00:27:56,067 (RETCHING) 712 00:27:56,150 --> 00:27:57,651 (SIGHS) 713 00:27:57,734 --> 00:27:59,693 STAFFER: The President will see you now. 714 00:27:59,776 --> 00:28:00,734 Great. 715 00:28:00,818 --> 00:28:02,192 -(CHEERING CONTINUES) -MATT: Hey, uh, 716 00:28:02,275 --> 00:28:04,901 Jordan's gonna be signing merchandise at the bar. 717 00:28:05,025 --> 00:28:07,567 (LAUGHS) I'm just kidding. He's in hiding. 718 00:28:07,651 --> 00:28:09,901 ♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 719 00:29:11,651 --> 00:29:14,150 I may be a fake, and a fraud, and a terrible lay, 720 00:29:14,234 --> 00:29:16,609 and a credit risk, but I am still a useful, 721 00:29:16,693 --> 00:29:17,693 functioning-- 722 00:29:18,109 --> 00:29:19,567 -Actually can you do this? Yeah. -Yeah. 723 00:29:19,651 --> 00:29:20,651 -(BEEPING) -♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS) ♪ 724 00:29:20,984 --> 00:29:23,192 Why is the ship beeping? Gotta be a warning of some kind. 725 00:29:23,275 --> 00:29:25,234 Yes. You don't usually have a recurring beep 726 00:29:25,317 --> 00:29:26,734 to tell you everything is going just fine. 727 00:29:26,818 --> 00:29:28,776 -Why can you panic and I can't panic? -I'm not panicking. 728 00:29:28,859 --> 00:29:29,984 -(BEEPING) -Iris! 729 00:29:30,067 --> 00:29:33,025 The ship is beeping. This could cause mass distress. 730 00:29:33,359 --> 00:29:34,150 (BEEPING) 731 00:29:34,442 --> 00:29:35,776 -I need you to hook me up. -What do you need? 732 00:29:35,859 --> 00:29:37,067 Porno, mint jelly? 733 00:29:37,150 --> 00:29:38,442 (BEEPING RAPIDLY) 734 00:29:38,526 --> 00:29:39,693 (SCREAMING) 735 00:29:40,067 --> 00:29:41,609 Lots of sedatives. 736 00:29:41,693 --> 00:29:43,526 ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ 52441

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