All language subtitles for Avenue.5.S01E05.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP5.1.x264-NTb

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch Download
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek Download
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,974 --> 00:00:02,140 We have to transform those sex bots. 2 00:00:02,224 --> 00:00:03,724 They have to be absolutely convincing. 3 00:00:03,808 --> 00:00:06,057 What if we connect a real Comms Link 4 00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:07,099 to their prop headsets. 5 00:00:07,391 --> 00:00:09,724 That is exactly the sort of idea I should have had, 6 00:00:09,808 --> 00:00:11,099 if I weren't a complete fraud. 7 00:00:12,265 --> 00:00:13,683 Here's an idea to get people to like you, 8 00:00:13,766 --> 00:00:16,265 cocktail party. You can meet 19 people a week. 9 00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:17,432 Don't people come in couples? 10 00:00:17,516 --> 00:00:20,182 No, widows, widowers, priests, ugly people. 11 00:00:20,265 --> 00:00:22,224 -You're not a couple. -Neither was Zeus. 12 00:00:22,432 --> 00:00:23,432 I'm basically Zeus. 13 00:00:23,641 --> 00:00:26,015 I would suggest everyone laughing, 14 00:00:26,099 --> 00:00:28,057 hitting it off, maybe on the bridge. 15 00:00:28,140 --> 00:00:30,140 This is perfect. Get some Mr. Average 16 00:00:30,224 --> 00:00:31,724 to push that fake button we have for the kids. 17 00:00:31,808 --> 00:00:33,599 Can I join the party? Go! 18 00:00:35,933 --> 00:00:37,432 There's a rupture in the turd shield. 19 00:00:37,516 --> 00:00:39,265 A real captain would be out there. 20 00:00:39,432 --> 00:00:42,933 -You ready to do this? -With every fiber of my being... 21 00:00:43,224 --> 00:00:44,099 No. 22 00:00:50,641 --> 00:00:52,766 One, two. One, two. 23 00:00:52,849 --> 00:00:53,808 Hello, I'm Jordan. 24 00:00:53,891 --> 00:00:55,349 Best stand-up comic this side of Mars. 25 00:00:55,432 --> 00:00:57,057 Also, the only stand-up comic this side of Mars, 26 00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:59,557 but don't tell my mum that, she's super impressed. 27 00:00:59,641 --> 00:01:01,432 Laugh, laugh, laugh.... 28 00:01:01,516 --> 00:01:03,766 -Two, two. Is this thing on? -Yeah, it's on. 29 00:01:03,849 --> 00:01:05,808 No-- I know. It's a bit. 30 00:01:06,766 --> 00:01:08,182 The "is this on" thing, 31 00:01:08,265 --> 00:01:10,974 to imply that the audience weren't laughing. 32 00:01:12,015 --> 00:01:14,015 Best thing about doing stand-up in space? 33 00:01:14,099 --> 00:01:15,307 Literally no pressure. 34 00:01:16,933 --> 00:01:18,724 -Is this thing on? -Yup. 35 00:01:18,808 --> 00:01:20,432 No, I know it's... 36 00:01:22,057 --> 00:01:24,224 And then I'll plug the beer. 37 00:01:24,307 --> 00:01:27,891 And... when I first took this gig on, 38 00:01:27,974 --> 00:01:29,432 they told me that I needed 39 00:01:29,516 --> 00:01:31,391 enough material to cover the first half of the journey, 40 00:01:31,474 --> 00:01:34,766 so I guess now I need a tight one year and three quarters. 41 00:01:35,474 --> 00:01:36,265 Is that funny? 42 00:01:36,349 --> 00:01:38,432 -Or is that too much maths? -"Math." 43 00:01:40,516 --> 00:01:41,766 I can't look! 44 00:01:41,849 --> 00:01:43,099 God! That's not good. 45 00:01:43,182 --> 00:01:46,182 - It's shit. - It's all shit! 46 00:01:46,265 --> 00:01:49,933 Hey, maybe they heard your set. 47 00:02:07,182 --> 00:02:09,724 Captain, you ready to do this? 48 00:02:11,349 --> 00:02:13,265 I'd always hoped that my last words 49 00:02:13,349 --> 00:02:14,808 might be better than... 50 00:02:14,891 --> 00:02:16,849 "Fuck me, no." 51 00:02:16,933 --> 00:02:18,599 I don't know how to attach the tether. 52 00:02:18,683 --> 00:02:22,808 There should be an instruction panel right in front of you. 53 00:02:22,891 --> 00:02:24,641 To attach your safety tether... 54 00:02:24,724 --> 00:02:27,849 - F... - ...simply grasp the narrow end of the clamp 55 00:02:27,933 --> 00:02:29,557 to release the G Catch. 56 00:02:29,641 --> 00:02:31,683 There. That wasn't so hard, was it? 57 00:02:31,766 --> 00:02:33,557 Well, you fucking try it. 58 00:02:36,099 --> 00:02:38,891 Okay, it's a spacewalk, so... 59 00:02:39,516 --> 00:02:40,557 walk. 60 00:02:44,516 --> 00:02:48,349 So, Captain, what exactly are you looking at? 61 00:02:48,432 --> 00:02:51,182 -The inside of my eyelids. -Ha. 62 00:02:51,265 --> 00:02:54,057 There appears to be no floor. 63 00:02:57,557 --> 00:03:01,307 Yes, Captain. You-- You really make this look easy. 64 00:03:01,391 --> 00:03:03,641 Why is he flailing around like that? What-- 65 00:03:03,724 --> 00:03:05,891 -No. Look. He's upright now. -Yes. 66 00:03:05,974 --> 00:03:08,766 No, just gone back. 67 00:03:08,849 --> 00:03:10,015 Where are you going? 68 00:03:10,099 --> 00:03:12,182 I'm gonna do 600 pushups and then throw up in the sink. 69 00:03:12,265 --> 00:03:15,182 Can you get visuals on the wet suit compromise? 70 00:03:15,265 --> 00:03:18,599 "Have visuals"? What's wrong with "see"? 71 00:03:18,683 --> 00:03:20,683 -Or "come back in". -Engineering? 72 00:03:20,766 --> 00:03:22,516 -Present. -Yeah, not you. 73 00:03:22,599 --> 00:03:24,933 Looking at wet suit protocol three now. 74 00:03:25,015 --> 00:03:26,766 Captain Courageous needs to locate 75 00:03:26,849 --> 00:03:29,974 the lateral access valve where it intersects with the... 76 00:03:30,057 --> 00:03:32,182 Intersects with the binary caps 77 00:03:32,265 --> 00:03:34,182 from the lower deck. Did you get that? 78 00:03:34,265 --> 00:03:36,933 All I got from that was, "You're gonna die out here." 79 00:03:37,015 --> 00:03:39,766 Find a big metal wheel and turn it off. 80 00:03:39,849 --> 00:03:41,391 Estimate of her velocity, Captain? 81 00:03:41,474 --> 00:03:44,099 - I might actually sneeze. - He can't hear you because... 82 00:03:44,182 --> 00:03:46,140 -well, you know, he's outside-- -RYAN: What happens then? 83 00:03:46,224 --> 00:03:48,391 -Billie, what's the sneezing protocol in space? -Good point. 84 00:03:48,474 --> 00:03:50,182 Get me in his ear. I'll walk him home. 85 00:03:50,265 --> 00:03:51,891 Is there one? 86 00:03:51,974 --> 00:03:53,099 Could you look that up? 87 00:03:53,182 --> 00:03:55,057 -Hola. -Gracias. 88 00:03:55,140 --> 00:03:58,057 Yeah, in other devastating news, 89 00:03:58,140 --> 00:04:00,557 Spike is about to join the auto comms. 90 00:04:00,641 --> 00:04:02,683 The icing on the shit. 91 00:04:02,766 --> 00:04:04,391 I got you now, buddy. 92 00:04:04,474 --> 00:04:08,057 -Whoa! She's a gusher. -Please don't call it "she." 93 00:04:08,140 --> 00:04:11,808 Why? That thing's powerful. And I respect it. 94 00:04:11,891 --> 00:04:14,015 I'm gonna go check on a valve. 95 00:04:14,099 --> 00:04:15,182 Billie? 96 00:04:15,265 --> 00:04:17,224 Okay. Mr. Tambourine Man, you're up. 97 00:04:17,307 --> 00:04:18,641 - Yeah, sure. - Billie? 98 00:04:18,724 --> 00:04:21,974 So, we're just splitting forward, protocol three. 99 00:04:22,057 --> 00:04:24,474 It's just a... thing we do. 100 00:04:24,557 --> 00:04:26,140 - We love you, Spike! - Okay, Captain, 101 00:04:26,224 --> 00:04:28,182 I'm splitting forward protocol three. 102 00:04:28,265 --> 00:04:31,391 It's just-- It's a thing we do. Don't worry. 103 00:04:31,474 --> 00:04:33,099 Make way for the shit shooter. 104 00:04:33,182 --> 00:04:37,349 - God, was that me? - It's a little bit of all of us. 105 00:04:37,432 --> 00:04:40,099 Hey! I got a button on the end of my fist, 106 00:04:40,182 --> 00:04:42,849 do you wanna press it with your face? Button dick! 107 00:04:42,933 --> 00:04:44,599 I think she's talking to me. 108 00:04:47,683 --> 00:04:50,724 Yeah, so, nobody thought to put this wheel on the inside. 109 00:04:50,808 --> 00:04:52,849 Would that have been easier at all? 110 00:04:56,724 --> 00:04:58,724 - Bugger me. - No! 111 00:04:58,808 --> 00:05:01,349 I can taste last year's breakfast. 112 00:05:01,432 --> 00:05:04,516 Some guys would pay good money to have that done to them. 113 00:05:05,057 --> 00:05:07,182 And girls. Women. 114 00:05:08,849 --> 00:05:10,766 Not me, though.. 115 00:05:10,849 --> 00:05:12,599 Other way, other way. 116 00:05:14,808 --> 00:05:17,891 Don't worry, Captain. You got this. 117 00:05:17,974 --> 00:05:20,391 I've got this. Turn it this way. 118 00:05:21,891 --> 00:05:23,432 Of course I've got it! 119 00:05:23,516 --> 00:05:25,265 I was born getting it. 120 00:05:25,349 --> 00:05:27,724 I haven't got it. Help me more. 121 00:05:28,974 --> 00:05:30,015 That's it. 122 00:05:42,724 --> 00:05:44,683 Yes! 123 00:05:45,557 --> 00:05:48,474 - Yeah! - Whoo! 124 00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:50,391 Alan, get me a car to Buffalo! 125 00:05:51,099 --> 00:05:52,265 You're going to the White House? 126 00:05:52,349 --> 00:05:54,265 Yes. Time to do some corporate begging. 127 00:05:54,349 --> 00:05:55,432 Yes! 128 00:06:03,766 --> 00:06:07,849 There he is! There he is. I believed in you! 129 00:06:07,933 --> 00:06:10,974 Unlike Iris. She already rented out your cabin. 130 00:06:11,057 --> 00:06:12,557 That was nothing! 131 00:06:12,641 --> 00:06:14,099 But then, what isn't? 132 00:06:14,182 --> 00:06:16,849 He's so modest, he could almost be British. 133 00:06:16,933 --> 00:06:18,307 Why the fuck did I say that? 134 00:06:18,391 --> 00:06:20,474 I think that stuff is neurodevelopmental. 135 00:06:20,557 --> 00:06:22,265 I was very, very proud of how 136 00:06:22,349 --> 00:06:24,641 Captain Ryan followed my direction out there. 137 00:06:24,724 --> 00:06:26,766 You were out of depth on the bridge. 138 00:06:26,849 --> 00:06:29,849 Yes, you're much better suited in a secondary position. 139 00:06:29,933 --> 00:06:31,432 Right, well-- 140 00:06:33,182 --> 00:06:34,557 Fucking balls. 141 00:06:34,641 --> 00:06:36,808 Burn those suits, they smell like hell! 142 00:06:36,891 --> 00:06:39,474 I can actually hear that smell. 143 00:06:39,557 --> 00:06:40,891 Hey, beautiful. 144 00:06:40,974 --> 00:06:43,224 Tonight at midnight, we reach our furthest point from Earth 145 00:06:43,307 --> 00:06:44,599 and turn around to head back. 146 00:06:44,683 --> 00:06:47,265 I know. Time flies. I don't wanna go home, either. 147 00:06:47,349 --> 00:06:49,933 But I'll see you later at the Halfway Home party. 148 00:06:50,015 --> 00:06:52,182 Hey, is-- is that true? 149 00:06:52,265 --> 00:06:54,224 Well, it was true when I said it. 150 00:06:54,307 --> 00:06:55,683 Like a marriage vow. 151 00:06:55,766 --> 00:06:57,516 And you just kept this up? 152 00:06:57,599 --> 00:07:00,057 Sure. I mean, we could still have a... 153 00:07:00,140 --> 00:07:01,974 "One Forty-Sixth of the Way Home" Party. 154 00:07:02,057 --> 00:07:03,808 - Yeah, that could work. - Spike gets it. 155 00:07:03,891 --> 00:07:06,224 We brought 200,000 dollars' worth of streamers. 156 00:07:06,307 --> 00:07:08,307 The only other use would be for your funeral. 157 00:07:10,432 --> 00:07:12,265 Hey. It's the shit whisperer. 158 00:07:12,349 --> 00:07:14,140 Hey, Benjamin Button! 159 00:07:14,224 --> 00:07:15,849 Shit stack walking. 160 00:07:15,933 --> 00:07:16,891 Frankenfuck. 161 00:07:16,974 --> 00:07:18,474 Mr. Crappatoa. 162 00:07:18,557 --> 00:07:22,933 Wow! Couldn't you just stay in this cabin all day? 163 00:07:23,015 --> 00:07:24,599 I mean, I know I could. 164 00:07:24,683 --> 00:07:26,683 And I think you should. 165 00:07:28,391 --> 00:07:29,265 Why? 166 00:07:29,349 --> 00:07:31,766 There's just so much to explore, baby. 167 00:07:31,849 --> 00:07:34,933 We have booze. Right? Who doesn't love booze? 168 00:07:35,015 --> 00:07:37,140 And-- And four books-- 169 00:07:37,224 --> 00:07:40,015 five books here! I mean that's just-- right? 170 00:07:40,099 --> 00:07:41,349 All I did was... 171 00:07:42,015 --> 00:07:43,307 And then they... 172 00:07:44,182 --> 00:07:45,224 And the-- 173 00:07:47,891 --> 00:07:48,974 Don't ever sit. 174 00:07:51,015 --> 00:07:53,140 Inflate one thousand balloons. 175 00:07:57,974 --> 00:08:00,307 I need to vet your materials for this show this evening. 176 00:08:00,391 --> 00:08:02,641 Wow. So it's true. The show really does go on. 177 00:08:02,724 --> 00:08:05,015 It's in your contract. You'd be doing a show tonight 178 00:08:05,099 --> 00:08:06,474 even if this was a burned-out hulk 179 00:08:06,557 --> 00:08:08,933 full of space junk and dead animals. 180 00:08:09,015 --> 00:08:10,057 So... 181 00:08:11,265 --> 00:08:12,265 Jokes. 182 00:08:13,474 --> 00:08:14,474 Do some. 183 00:08:14,557 --> 00:08:16,641 -Okay, what makes you laugh? -Comedy. 184 00:08:16,724 --> 00:08:19,891 -Obviously. -And sometimes tragedy. 185 00:08:19,974 --> 00:08:23,015 Light tragedy. Erectile dysfunction, 186 00:08:23,099 --> 00:08:25,265 non-fatal hunting accidents, 187 00:08:25,349 --> 00:08:26,599 waving at someone you think you know 188 00:08:26,683 --> 00:08:29,474 but it turns out to be a stranger, that sort of thing. 189 00:08:29,557 --> 00:08:30,974 Now, make it topical. 190 00:08:31,057 --> 00:08:33,099 Mention "it," but don't mention it. 191 00:08:33,182 --> 00:08:35,057 "It"? That's horrible. 192 00:08:36,432 --> 00:08:37,849 Go. 193 00:08:37,933 --> 00:08:40,391 -Okay, I could start with-- -It's not called "sit-down." 194 00:08:49,557 --> 00:08:50,599 I can start with... 195 00:08:51,265 --> 00:08:52,349 "This is some hot shit." 196 00:08:52,432 --> 00:08:54,724 You know it's actually extremely cold in space? 197 00:08:54,808 --> 00:08:56,140 Are you gonna do this the whole way through? 198 00:08:56,224 --> 00:08:59,099 Yes. And I'd say you're a heckler's wet dream right now. 199 00:09:01,599 --> 00:09:04,224 You see what I did? Did you see-- 200 00:09:04,307 --> 00:09:06,683 I put a fucking goldfish bowl on my head, 201 00:09:06,766 --> 00:09:08,891 went out there, and fixed a spaceship. 202 00:09:08,974 --> 00:09:10,182 I know. 203 00:09:10,265 --> 00:09:12,933 I need you to make it clear that it wasn't Frank's fault. 204 00:09:13,015 --> 00:09:14,974 -Who's Frank? -My husband. 205 00:09:15,057 --> 00:09:17,224 Do you mind if we don't talk about him? 206 00:09:17,307 --> 00:09:20,891 He's-- He's only there to stop his skeleton from falling over. 207 00:09:20,974 --> 00:09:22,557 Christ, I'm coming off my fucking nut. 208 00:09:22,641 --> 00:09:24,683 I feel like I could kill and eat a man. 209 00:09:24,766 --> 00:09:28,557 God! Just fuck me and don't even give me your name. 210 00:09:28,641 --> 00:09:29,891 Okay! So... 211 00:09:29,974 --> 00:09:32,391 somebody needs some soap for their mouth 212 00:09:32,474 --> 00:09:35,015 and a hot toddy for their mood. Sit. 213 00:09:35,849 --> 00:09:38,557 Chill. 214 00:09:38,641 --> 00:09:41,808 I just did something, and I don't know what it was. 215 00:09:41,891 --> 00:09:43,683 I don't know what I'm doing. 216 00:09:43,766 --> 00:09:46,224 I don't know how anybody knows what they're doing. 217 00:09:46,307 --> 00:09:47,432 Does anybody know what they're doing? 218 00:09:47,516 --> 00:09:49,349 How does anything work? Does anybody know? 219 00:09:49,432 --> 00:09:51,307 How-- I mean who knows how that door works? 220 00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:52,391 It doesn't work. 221 00:09:52,474 --> 00:09:54,516 Well, I didn't even know how it doesn't work. 222 00:09:54,599 --> 00:09:55,808 And look at this. 223 00:09:57,140 --> 00:09:58,474 I mean, how am I doing that? 224 00:09:58,557 --> 00:10:02,224 I do not know how the fuck I'm doing that. 225 00:10:03,140 --> 00:10:04,766 -Drink this. -Now you-- 226 00:10:04,849 --> 00:10:05,974 See, orifices! 227 00:10:06,057 --> 00:10:08,891 They're all over us! Well, that can't be safe, can it? 228 00:10:08,974 --> 00:10:10,057 You know what's ironic? 229 00:10:10,140 --> 00:10:11,974 I just left a man who can't finish his sentence, 230 00:10:12,057 --> 00:10:14,683 and here you are, and you just can't shut the F up. 231 00:10:16,557 --> 00:10:18,099 -Hi. -Hi! 232 00:10:18,182 --> 00:10:19,516 I feel a bit trapped. 233 00:10:19,599 --> 00:10:21,683 Well honey, we're all trapped. 234 00:10:22,641 --> 00:10:26,849 The sky is full of S-H-I-T. 235 00:10:26,933 --> 00:10:29,516 No. There it floats. 236 00:10:30,224 --> 00:10:31,724 Bollocks. 237 00:10:33,516 --> 00:10:36,599 Can everything just fuck off? 238 00:10:36,683 --> 00:10:38,933 Wait, is that-- Was that Captain Ryan? 239 00:10:39,015 --> 00:10:43,140 - It-- It was not. 240 00:10:43,224 --> 00:10:47,474 In fact, I will be back soon, tootsie roll, okay? 241 00:10:53,349 --> 00:10:54,808 I'll see you all tonight. 242 00:10:54,891 --> 00:10:56,724 Bring your children. 243 00:10:56,808 --> 00:10:58,974 Unless they have behavioral disorders. 244 00:10:59,057 --> 00:11:01,015 And bring them, too. It's a party! 245 00:11:07,391 --> 00:11:09,182 Hey, I don't wanna get you overexcited, 246 00:11:09,265 --> 00:11:12,140 but this party is going to be an orgy of the gods-- 247 00:11:12,224 --> 00:11:13,265 I don't get overexcited. 248 00:11:13,349 --> 00:11:15,224 I'm always the same fucking level of excited. 249 00:11:15,307 --> 00:11:17,182 -Right, Iris? -Yes. 250 00:11:17,265 --> 00:11:19,224 I'll have another shot of water, please. 251 00:11:19,307 --> 00:11:22,557 All right! Let's go yell in some people's faces! 252 00:11:26,015 --> 00:11:28,683 I'm so sorry. Please enjoy this Judd voucher 253 00:11:28,766 --> 00:11:30,140 - Hey! - I apologize. These are... 254 00:11:30,224 --> 00:11:32,474 - You don't need this! - ...valid anywhere on the ship. 255 00:11:32,557 --> 00:11:34,808 Take the French fries. Leave the beer. 256 00:11:34,891 --> 00:11:37,182 I'm so sorry. These are valid everywhere on the ship 257 00:11:37,265 --> 00:11:38,474 -except the golf course. -All right... 258 00:11:38,557 --> 00:11:39,933 Really? Can I get one of those? 259 00:11:40,933 --> 00:11:41,849 -Hey. -Hey, Billie. 260 00:11:41,933 --> 00:11:43,224 -You look nice. -So do you. 261 00:11:43,307 --> 00:11:46,099 I decided to go for "I just saved the ship" casual. 262 00:11:46,182 --> 00:11:47,516 "We" just saved the ship. 263 00:11:47,599 --> 00:11:48,724 -What did I say? -Yeah. 264 00:11:48,808 --> 00:11:51,182 Hey! 265 00:11:51,265 --> 00:11:53,307 -Come on. Stop that. -Stop. 266 00:11:53,391 --> 00:11:55,432 -Stop it. -Thank you. 267 00:11:55,516 --> 00:11:58,182 -We were just doing our job. -I was just doing my job. 268 00:11:58,265 --> 00:12:00,057 We just did what we had to do. 269 00:12:00,140 --> 00:12:01,516 -I did what I had to do. -Thank you. 270 00:12:01,599 --> 00:12:04,015 Yes. Yes. Did you see me out there? 271 00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:06,474 Do you understand, I've not slept a wink since you freaked me out. 272 00:12:06,557 --> 00:12:08,474 I'm writing my jokes on tissue paper. 273 00:12:08,557 --> 00:12:09,808 Who does that these days? 274 00:12:09,891 --> 00:12:11,933 We can delay the start by five minutes. 275 00:12:13,182 --> 00:12:15,641 Are you sure it's safe for me here? 276 00:12:15,724 --> 00:12:18,224 - I'm getting sneering looks. - Honey, relax. 277 00:12:18,307 --> 00:12:20,724 Everybody's here to celebrate Captain Ryan. 278 00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:24,140 My god, he looks amazing in that turtleneck. 279 00:12:24,224 --> 00:12:25,557 Listen, with him wearing that, 280 00:12:25,641 --> 00:12:27,849 I guarantee nobody is thinking about you. 281 00:12:27,933 --> 00:12:30,099 We make a really great team. 282 00:12:30,182 --> 00:12:32,891 You saving the ship, and me thanking you for that. 283 00:12:32,974 --> 00:12:35,391 Yeah. I mean, you know, they were probably 284 00:12:35,474 --> 00:12:37,557 livestreaming the whole thing all over the world. 285 00:12:37,641 --> 00:12:39,724 So right now, I'm probably more famous 286 00:12:39,808 --> 00:12:41,849 than that guy who shat his pants at the Superbowl. 287 00:12:41,933 --> 00:12:43,599 -Daniel Radcliffe? -Yeah. 288 00:12:43,683 --> 00:12:44,933 Those two are an item. 289 00:12:45,683 --> 00:12:47,182 -Those two? No. -Yeah. 290 00:12:47,265 --> 00:12:49,349 - Yeah. - No. Nuh. No. 291 00:12:49,432 --> 00:12:50,557 She's not his type. 292 00:12:51,307 --> 00:12:52,724 I mean, I think he would... 293 00:12:52,808 --> 00:12:55,307 I think he would probably want an older woman, 294 00:12:55,391 --> 00:12:58,849 you know, a woman who's more, like, mature. 295 00:12:58,933 --> 00:13:00,432 The way I see it, like... 296 00:13:00,516 --> 00:13:01,766 twenty-five hundred women on board? 297 00:13:01,849 --> 00:13:03,265 At least seven hundred of them, 298 00:13:03,349 --> 00:13:06,015 I would totally want a consensual meeting with. 299 00:13:06,099 --> 00:13:07,391 - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. 300 00:13:07,474 --> 00:13:09,557 I am gonna get me some informed consent tonight. 301 00:13:09,641 --> 00:13:11,599 Just some sweet, sweet informed consent 302 00:13:11,683 --> 00:13:13,099 from a strong autonomous woman-- 303 00:13:13,182 --> 00:13:16,224 Hey guys, did you hear that? I-- I think that was the sound 304 00:13:16,307 --> 00:13:18,474 of seven hundred vaginas snapping shut. 305 00:13:18,557 --> 00:13:19,849 It's not. 306 00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:23,849 Now, if you'll excuse me, I am horny as hell, 307 00:13:23,933 --> 00:13:27,057 so I am gonna go out and get my body slammed. 308 00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:28,432 And it's okay that she said-- 309 00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:30,182 We're-- We're separated. 310 00:13:30,265 --> 00:13:32,099 They just haven't found me my own cabin yet. 311 00:13:32,182 --> 00:13:33,265 We... 312 00:13:33,349 --> 00:13:34,307 -We should... -Yeah, we should. 313 00:13:34,391 --> 00:13:36,432 I'll freshen up and see you down there. 314 00:13:36,516 --> 00:13:38,307 That means he has to have a little cry. 315 00:13:38,391 --> 00:13:39,307 I really don't. 316 00:13:39,391 --> 00:13:41,724 -Shots? -You know, I usually don't drink 317 00:13:41,808 --> 00:13:43,891 because it makes me blunt and opinionated. 318 00:13:43,974 --> 00:13:45,140 As opposed to? 319 00:13:45,224 --> 00:13:46,432 Hey, everyone. 320 00:13:46,516 --> 00:13:48,099 Welcome to the Halfway Home party. 321 00:13:49,766 --> 00:13:51,974 Now, in a second, I'm gonna bring out 322 00:13:52,057 --> 00:13:54,557 our comedian for the evening. His name's Jordan Hatwal. 323 00:13:54,641 --> 00:13:57,307 He is... ...extremely nervous. 324 00:13:57,391 --> 00:13:59,557 Okay? But I know you guys are gonna love him. 325 00:13:59,641 --> 00:14:00,641 Right? 326 00:14:00,724 --> 00:14:02,140 - Yeah. - Hey. 327 00:14:02,224 --> 00:14:03,891 Okay. Okay. 328 00:14:03,974 --> 00:14:05,724 I think that's probably gonna make him more nervous 329 00:14:05,808 --> 00:14:07,140 'cause it was pretty underwhelming. 330 00:14:07,224 --> 00:14:08,891 Let's try it again, right? 331 00:14:08,974 --> 00:14:10,766 Are you excited for Jordan Hatwal? 332 00:14:13,599 --> 00:14:14,683 Okay, okay. 333 00:14:14,766 --> 00:14:17,140 Okay. I don't think he can live up to that. 334 00:14:17,224 --> 00:14:18,391 You know, if he was that good, 335 00:14:18,474 --> 00:14:20,641 he'd probably be doing arena shows on Earth. 336 00:14:20,724 --> 00:14:22,891 Um... But... 337 00:14:22,974 --> 00:14:25,683 Now that I've lowered your expectations again, 338 00:14:25,766 --> 00:14:28,224 I think you might be pleasantly surprised 339 00:14:28,307 --> 00:14:32,474 by the competent, workmanlike comedy of Jordan Hatwal. 340 00:14:32,557 --> 00:14:35,057 But before he comes out to win you over 341 00:14:35,140 --> 00:14:36,974 or die horribly, 342 00:14:37,057 --> 00:14:39,808 I want to give a big round of applause 343 00:14:39,891 --> 00:14:42,516 to our heroes, Captain Ryan Clark... 344 00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:52,891 -...and... -Billie McEvoy! 345 00:14:52,974 --> 00:14:56,015 ...former astronaut Spike Martin. 346 00:14:56,349 --> 00:14:57,349 What? 347 00:15:00,599 --> 00:15:02,891 Okay. Jordan, are you ready to go? 348 00:15:02,974 --> 00:15:03,766 Yep. 349 00:15:03,849 --> 00:15:05,849 Listen to him, he's nervous, right? 350 00:15:05,933 --> 00:15:07,474 - Yeah! - Yeah! Okay! 351 00:15:07,557 --> 00:15:09,057 Please put your hands together 352 00:15:09,140 --> 00:15:13,307 or silently reserve judgement for Jordan Hatwal. 353 00:15:16,557 --> 00:15:19,099 All right. Hey, how you doin'? 354 00:15:21,099 --> 00:15:22,766 I've been asleep for the last 120 hours, what did I miss? 355 00:15:22,849 --> 00:15:24,349 We're stuck up here for three years. 356 00:15:24,432 --> 00:15:26,891 Okay, guys. That was his first joke, 357 00:15:26,974 --> 00:15:28,391 so you can laugh, it's okay to laugh. 358 00:15:28,474 --> 00:15:29,432 Matt, don't-- Don't do that. 359 00:15:29,516 --> 00:15:30,808 I'm just-- I'm just trying to help. 360 00:15:30,891 --> 00:15:33,432 Yeah, it's-- it's hard doing, 361 00:15:33,516 --> 00:15:35,808 a Halfway Home gig when, I mean, we're not even halfway-- 362 00:15:35,891 --> 00:15:38,265 - I vetoed that angle. ... okay. 363 00:15:38,349 --> 00:15:41,432 Guys, pretend that we're 21 months into the voyage. 364 00:15:41,516 --> 00:15:43,224 Right? Is-- is that helpful? 365 00:15:43,307 --> 00:15:44,349 - No. - Yes. 366 00:15:44,432 --> 00:15:46,015 Doesn't-- It's not helpful. 367 00:15:46,099 --> 00:15:48,599 Do you want-- Do you wanna come up here and do the set? 368 00:15:48,683 --> 00:15:49,849 Sure, yeah. 369 00:15:49,933 --> 00:15:51,766 I wasn't actually asking. 370 00:15:51,849 --> 00:15:53,307 You were joking? 371 00:15:53,391 --> 00:15:55,140 Yep, that was a joke. 372 00:15:55,224 --> 00:15:56,599 That's what I'm here to do. 373 00:15:56,683 --> 00:15:58,766 It's like the joke police over here. 374 00:15:58,849 --> 00:16:00,599 Anyway, shoehorns... 375 00:16:00,683 --> 00:16:04,015 - pretty weird, aren't they? - Yes! 376 00:16:05,849 --> 00:16:06,974 Thank you for your service! 377 00:16:07,057 --> 00:16:09,099 You're real-life heroes! 378 00:16:09,182 --> 00:16:11,557 - People loved us. - No, no, no, I'm sorry, no. 379 00:16:11,641 --> 00:16:14,349 I don't get it. I just don't-- I don't get this, this-- 380 00:16:14,432 --> 00:16:16,432 I arm-wrestled with space 381 00:16:16,516 --> 00:16:19,683 -and I won, so that was me. -Speaking of arms, 382 00:16:19,766 --> 00:16:21,641 yours are so firm. 383 00:16:21,724 --> 00:16:24,641 How do you find gym time in between saving lives? 384 00:16:26,224 --> 00:16:29,307 Well, f-- f-- firm is my middle name. 385 00:16:29,391 --> 00:16:30,974 What's your first name? 386 00:16:31,057 --> 00:16:33,057 -Colin. -Colin Firm. 387 00:16:33,140 --> 00:16:35,265 Yeah, Colin Firm Erbifritz. 388 00:16:35,349 --> 00:16:37,599 Is that Italian? 389 00:16:37,683 --> 00:16:38,683 -No, it's actu-- -Who cares? 390 00:16:38,766 --> 00:16:39,808 -Okay. -Okay. 391 00:16:39,891 --> 00:16:42,724 Guess who else will be on the prowl tonight? 392 00:16:42,808 --> 00:16:45,933 Captain Ryan Clark, ladies and gentlemen. 393 00:16:46,015 --> 00:16:50,599 He's as horny and as hairy as a tomcat, and I should know, 394 00:16:50,683 --> 00:16:54,349 because back in the day, he put a baby up me. 395 00:16:54,432 --> 00:16:55,724 -Wow! -Wow. 396 00:16:55,808 --> 00:16:59,224 Was your oxygen restricted in your early developmental years? 397 00:16:59,307 --> 00:17:02,224 You can't wash the shame away, Frank. 398 00:17:02,307 --> 00:17:04,557 Next time leave it to the professionals, 399 00:17:04,641 --> 00:17:05,849 you silly man. 400 00:17:05,933 --> 00:17:08,224 Why can't the Captain be a womanizer? 401 00:17:08,307 --> 00:17:09,891 Or a man-anizer? 402 00:17:09,974 --> 00:17:11,140 He can do what he wants. 403 00:17:11,224 --> 00:17:12,349 I actually don't care at this point. 404 00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:15,349 - Captain Clark is a sex man? - He's a dog. 405 00:17:15,432 --> 00:17:17,516 Hey, fuck it. Shall we start a conga? 406 00:17:17,599 --> 00:17:18,849 Let's do a conga. 407 00:17:18,933 --> 00:17:20,307 -Whoo! -Frank, come on. 408 00:17:20,391 --> 00:17:22,766 - Allez. - Hey, hey, hey. 409 00:17:30,057 --> 00:17:31,391 Come on, let's get outta here. Okay! 410 00:17:33,516 --> 00:17:35,265 - I'm sorry. - Check it out. 411 00:17:37,099 --> 00:17:39,724 First person that's laughed in quite some time. 412 00:17:39,808 --> 00:17:41,140 Hey, you wanna come back to my place? 413 00:17:41,224 --> 00:17:42,891 Sure, yeah, I'll take it where I can get it. 414 00:17:42,974 --> 00:17:45,641 - A hole's a hole. ... No, thank you. 415 00:17:45,724 --> 00:17:47,015 I-- I have a flight simulation game 416 00:17:47,099 --> 00:17:48,808 I would love to play with you. Be an honor, sir. 417 00:17:48,891 --> 00:17:51,224 Okay, well, I'll batten down the sexual hatches. 418 00:17:51,307 --> 00:17:52,808 Let's fly some ships. 419 00:17:52,891 --> 00:17:56,182 ... So, um... Do you remember the, 420 00:17:56,265 --> 00:17:58,891 the phones that you had to plug in to charge? 421 00:17:58,974 --> 00:17:59,974 Yes, I do. 422 00:18:00,766 --> 00:18:03,182 Yeah, well, they... 423 00:18:04,307 --> 00:18:05,641 They were, um... 424 00:18:06,557 --> 00:18:10,057 ... no. No, that one's gone. 425 00:18:10,140 --> 00:18:11,265 Just give it a second. 426 00:18:11,349 --> 00:18:12,974 'Cause this could be good when you think of it. 427 00:18:13,057 --> 00:18:15,391 - They had a cord. - They had a cord, yeah. 428 00:18:15,474 --> 00:18:17,808 I don't think that was the punchline, though. Um... 429 00:18:18,432 --> 00:18:19,724 Promote the beer. 430 00:18:23,224 --> 00:18:25,557 Hey! - You can probably tell from our expressions that... 431 00:18:25,641 --> 00:18:28,265 - we need to talk face-to-face. - No, no, no. You're talking. You should-- no. 432 00:18:28,349 --> 00:18:30,265 'Cause I called you, so you should really wait. 433 00:18:30,349 --> 00:18:32,641 -Anyway, doesn't matter. -Ryan, we have to tell you something. 434 00:18:32,724 --> 00:18:35,182 -I know, it was impressive-- -Now, it's not bad. 435 00:18:35,265 --> 00:18:37,224 Wait-- What-- What do you mean, "bad"? 436 00:18:37,307 --> 00:18:38,933 We love you, but... 437 00:18:39,015 --> 00:18:41,808 we didn't sign up for three and a half years, and... 438 00:18:41,891 --> 00:18:44,140 - with that crazy spacewalk... - Yes. 439 00:18:44,224 --> 00:18:46,099 ...we can't-- - You're looking at a hero, basically. 440 00:18:46,182 --> 00:18:48,474 -We can't take the stress. -The wh-- what? 441 00:18:48,557 --> 00:18:50,182 You lose the plot, you lose your slot. 442 00:18:50,265 --> 00:18:54,307 "Slot"? This is a marriage, not a fucking squash court. 443 00:18:54,391 --> 00:18:55,599 We're getting trivorced. 444 00:18:55,683 --> 00:18:57,224 Two-thirds majority. Motion carried. 445 00:18:57,307 --> 00:18:59,724 - What about our vows? "Hand in hand in hand"? No, sorry. 446 00:19:03,391 --> 00:19:05,808 And then I downed it in one and I threw up on... 447 00:19:05,891 --> 00:19:07,557 on her dress, and... 448 00:19:08,432 --> 00:19:09,808 That was the end of... 449 00:19:09,891 --> 00:19:12,099 end of prom and, um... 450 00:19:12,182 --> 00:19:13,933 that's the first time I had a drink. 451 00:19:14,015 --> 00:19:15,808 But it was a Judd Light, 452 00:19:15,891 --> 00:19:18,599 and Judd Light is available throughout the ship. 453 00:19:18,683 --> 00:19:21,683 Um, it's, a-- a liquid party. 454 00:19:23,683 --> 00:19:25,974 I'm right in here. 455 00:19:26,057 --> 00:19:28,182 What are you doing? 456 00:19:28,265 --> 00:19:29,933 -What? -Just going in my room. 457 00:19:30,015 --> 00:19:31,683 -Why are you here? -It's my room. 458 00:19:31,766 --> 00:19:33,724 If you're trying to trick us into a foursome, 459 00:19:33,808 --> 00:19:35,224 there's no tricking needed. 460 00:19:35,307 --> 00:19:37,516 This isn't a foursome, it's a twosome. 461 00:19:37,599 --> 00:19:39,683 -I'm easy. -You guys stay here. 462 00:19:41,057 --> 00:19:42,474 Why'd you bring the peat bog man? 463 00:19:42,557 --> 00:19:43,808 We're going on my flight simulator. 464 00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:45,182 Well, you need to vacate the room 465 00:19:45,265 --> 00:19:46,557 because I'll be making love everywhere. 466 00:19:46,641 --> 00:19:49,099 Hey, yeah, we could-- we could go to yours. 467 00:19:49,182 --> 00:19:51,182 - Can I keep that as a backup? - Sure, yeah. 468 00:19:51,265 --> 00:19:53,015 Give 'em a minute, see what pans out. 469 00:19:53,099 --> 00:19:54,683 Colin Firm, get in here! 470 00:19:54,766 --> 00:19:55,683 What? 471 00:19:55,766 --> 00:19:58,057 Sorry, Doug, the viewing gallery is closed. 472 00:19:58,891 --> 00:20:00,849 Come on. Let's just do it quickly. 473 00:20:00,933 --> 00:20:01,974 - No... - No, no, no. 474 00:20:02,057 --> 00:20:03,557 -Just do it quickly, before he-- -Do it! 475 00:20:03,641 --> 00:20:05,057 - Who cares about him? - No no, I-- 476 00:20:05,140 --> 00:20:06,974 - Do it! Do it! - You want it, you want it. 477 00:20:07,057 --> 00:20:08,307 Don't be a pussy, Colin! 478 00:20:08,391 --> 00:20:10,349 I'm sorry-- I wasn't trained for this, I'm sorry. 479 00:20:10,432 --> 00:20:11,683 This reminds me of my last days 480 00:20:11,766 --> 00:20:13,140 on the International Space Station. 481 00:20:13,224 --> 00:20:14,265 That was a scene! 482 00:20:16,224 --> 00:20:17,516 I ruined it for her. 483 00:20:17,599 --> 00:20:19,140 So I won. 484 00:20:20,557 --> 00:20:22,933 So, my last relationship didn't end well. 485 00:20:23,015 --> 00:20:26,099 But-- Well, in some ways you could say it did. 486 00:20:26,182 --> 00:20:28,891 'Cause my girlfriend fell down a well. 487 00:20:28,974 --> 00:20:30,140 Gravity, what a downer. 488 00:20:30,224 --> 00:20:33,391 No, no, no, no. . No. No. 489 00:20:33,474 --> 00:20:35,391 Hey, it's Mr. Judd, everyone. 490 00:20:35,474 --> 00:20:37,557 No, hold your applause. 491 00:20:37,641 --> 00:20:40,432 Four people died because of that gravity fail. 492 00:20:40,516 --> 00:20:42,432 Don't joke about stuff like that. 493 00:20:44,474 --> 00:20:47,474 Maybe that's why your girlfriend jumped down that well, 494 00:20:47,557 --> 00:20:50,224 'cause of those kind of jokes. 495 00:20:50,307 --> 00:20:52,683 She didn't, she just left me-- 496 00:20:52,766 --> 00:20:55,015 I was gonna say a few words later, 497 00:20:55,099 --> 00:20:57,057 but now that "" 498 00:20:57,140 --> 00:20:59,974 sucked all the good energy out of the room and just... 499 00:21:00,057 --> 00:21:03,641 flushed it out into space like... 500 00:21:04,516 --> 00:21:05,933 I'm just gonna read it now. 501 00:21:08,432 --> 00:21:10,933 "As you know, this was meant to be the halfway point, 502 00:21:11,015 --> 00:21:12,557 but we're not halfway. 503 00:21:12,641 --> 00:21:13,599 And yet, in so many ways, 504 00:21:13,683 --> 00:21:15,849 we're more... ...than halfway." 505 00:21:16,849 --> 00:21:18,432 -Iris, who wrote this? -I did. 506 00:21:18,516 --> 00:21:20,015 And is it like this all the way through, 507 00:21:20,099 --> 00:21:21,432 or does it get any better? 508 00:21:21,516 --> 00:21:23,683 Well, that was the best part, and you kind of threw it away. 509 00:21:23,766 --> 00:21:25,683 Fuck! 510 00:21:26,182 --> 00:21:27,015 All right. 511 00:21:27,099 --> 00:21:28,724 "Because we've come a long way, 512 00:21:28,808 --> 00:21:30,140 and I'm proud of you 513 00:21:30,516 --> 00:21:31,891 and of me, 514 00:21:31,974 --> 00:21:35,432 and I'm inspired by you and me." 515 00:21:35,516 --> 00:21:37,766 I'm just gonna skip to the end. 516 00:21:37,849 --> 00:21:39,307 - Yep. - All right. 517 00:21:39,391 --> 00:21:40,933 "We can do this! We're nearly there! 518 00:21:41,015 --> 00:21:42,599 We're not, but we are!" 519 00:21:51,641 --> 00:21:53,182 Ever been to Buffalo before? 520 00:21:53,265 --> 00:21:55,099 It's changed a lot 521 00:21:55,182 --> 00:21:56,683 since they moved the White House there. 522 00:21:56,766 --> 00:21:58,808 -For a start-- -RAV: Shut up. 523 00:21:58,891 --> 00:22:01,057 Alan, this better not be bad news. I-- 524 00:22:02,057 --> 00:22:03,474 What the fuck is that? 525 00:22:03,557 --> 00:22:06,391 I'm afraid some of the, residual matter 526 00:22:06,474 --> 00:22:09,057 hasn't escaped the ship's gravitational pull. 527 00:22:11,641 --> 00:22:13,057 Okay. Well... 528 00:22:13,974 --> 00:22:14,974 It's a ring of shit. 529 00:22:15,057 --> 00:22:16,224 A ring of shit? 530 00:22:16,307 --> 00:22:17,974 Could you just--? Back to the book. 531 00:22:18,057 --> 00:22:20,057 On the upside, you can't see the coffins anymore. 532 00:22:20,933 --> 00:22:22,099 No. There's one. 533 00:22:24,641 --> 00:22:28,057 Get ready to pretend we're ten minutes to halfway there. 534 00:22:29,933 --> 00:22:31,057 Could I get another one of those? 535 00:22:31,140 --> 00:22:32,349 - Sure. - Um... 536 00:22:32,432 --> 00:22:36,432 Billie, don't ever, ever show anyone your feelings. 537 00:22:36,516 --> 00:22:39,599 All right? Just bury them as deep as you can. 538 00:22:39,683 --> 00:22:41,474 Scrunch them up into a little tiny ball 539 00:22:41,557 --> 00:22:43,182 and then just... 540 00:22:43,265 --> 00:22:45,641 Grow a couple of ulcers if you wanna mark the spot, 541 00:22:45,724 --> 00:22:49,516 but otherwise, just smile, pretend everything's fine. 542 00:22:49,599 --> 00:22:53,182 -You're not a happy drunk. -I'm not a happy anything. 543 00:22:53,265 --> 00:22:55,683 - You the man! - Hi, there. Hey. 544 00:22:55,766 --> 00:22:58,265 Is it-- Why is the shit still outside there? 545 00:22:58,974 --> 00:23:00,057 Iris! 546 00:23:00,724 --> 00:23:02,224 It's getting thicker. 547 00:23:02,307 --> 00:23:03,933 We're-- We're working on it. 548 00:23:05,099 --> 00:23:08,182 All right, that's Mr. Judd, everybody. Give it up. 549 00:23:09,432 --> 00:23:10,849 - Yeah, it's on. - I know it's on-- 550 00:23:10,933 --> 00:23:13,182 You're gonna have to compensate us for this. 551 00:23:13,265 --> 00:23:14,683 This is your fault. 552 00:23:14,766 --> 00:23:16,599 I mean, it's Frank's fault. 553 00:23:16,683 --> 00:23:18,099 He hit the big brown button. 554 00:23:18,182 --> 00:23:20,599 - Yeah. - You mean, shit the button. 555 00:23:20,683 --> 00:23:22,099 See, that's comedy, man. 556 00:23:22,182 --> 00:23:24,224 That right there is comedy, word play. 557 00:23:24,307 --> 00:23:25,474 I love it. 558 00:23:25,557 --> 00:23:28,265 Hey, Frank, what if I came and took a shit 559 00:23:28,349 --> 00:23:29,724 outside of your room? 560 00:23:29,808 --> 00:23:33,182 The shit is already outside my room. 561 00:23:33,265 --> 00:23:35,057 Okay. Then I'll come take a shit 562 00:23:35,140 --> 00:23:37,140 inside your room. 563 00:23:37,224 --> 00:23:39,724 I'll pay for the cleanup, so you can do it again tomorrow. 564 00:23:41,683 --> 00:23:44,224 We should shit Frank out the airlock. 565 00:23:44,307 --> 00:23:47,140 You hurt him without my consent and involvement 566 00:23:47,224 --> 00:23:49,391 and I will harm you deeply. 567 00:23:49,474 --> 00:23:52,224 Shit. Him. Out. 568 00:23:52,307 --> 00:23:54,933 Shit him out! Yeah. 569 00:23:55,015 --> 00:23:57,474 - Shit him out! - Shit him out! 570 00:23:57,557 --> 00:23:58,724 Shit him out! 571 00:23:58,808 --> 00:24:00,724 Guys, come on, calm down. 572 00:24:00,808 --> 00:24:02,432 -Whoo! Shit him out! -Shit him out! 573 00:24:02,516 --> 00:24:05,099 Hey, who remembers the last Oscars? That was a real shitshow, wasn't it? 574 00:24:05,182 --> 00:24:06,766 They gave an award to a sparrow. 575 00:24:06,849 --> 00:24:08,182 Do you have... 576 00:24:08,265 --> 00:24:10,015 Do you have a whistle you can blow to keep him under control? 577 00:24:10,099 --> 00:24:11,516 - Shit him out! - When he gets like this, 578 00:24:11,599 --> 00:24:13,432 it's best to just let him wear himself out. 579 00:24:13,516 --> 00:24:15,933 - Security! Shit him the shit... All right, all right, I understand you're-- 580 00:24:16,015 --> 00:24:17,265 ...out of the airlock and into the shit! 581 00:24:17,349 --> 00:24:19,224 You need to shut the F up 582 00:24:19,307 --> 00:24:22,265 before I knock you the F-- Frank! 583 00:24:22,349 --> 00:24:23,349 -Frank! -Shit him out! 584 00:24:23,432 --> 00:24:26,182 -Frank! Frank! -Shit him out! Shit him out! 585 00:24:26,724 --> 00:24:28,265 Frank! Frank! 586 00:24:28,349 --> 00:24:30,849 Hey! Put him down, he's mine! 587 00:24:31,599 --> 00:24:33,891 No! Stop murdering someone! 588 00:24:33,974 --> 00:24:35,057 Frank! 589 00:24:37,599 --> 00:24:39,015 Do something! 590 00:24:40,933 --> 00:24:43,641 Well, I guess things are looking up for-- Thank fuck. 591 00:24:48,182 --> 00:24:51,140 Calm... and I cannot stress this enough... 592 00:24:51,224 --> 00:24:53,974 the fuck down! 593 00:24:54,057 --> 00:24:57,140 Mr. Judd did not mean shit anybody out. 594 00:24:57,224 --> 00:24:59,307 He was making a joke. 595 00:24:59,391 --> 00:25:00,683 Yeah. Yeah. 596 00:25:00,766 --> 00:25:03,099 You guys don't understand comedy. 597 00:25:03,182 --> 00:25:04,140 I do. 598 00:25:04,224 --> 00:25:07,182 What I did back there, that was comedy. Idiots. 599 00:25:07,265 --> 00:25:10,057 ... right, and the comedy was, may I say, 600 00:25:10,140 --> 00:25:13,557 exquisitely performed, unlike this guy, who... 601 00:25:13,641 --> 00:25:16,808 I assume was abused by a punchline when he was a kid. 602 00:25:17,974 --> 00:25:19,432 - Come on! - Taking his revenge-- 603 00:25:19,516 --> 00:25:20,891 Do you mind? Please! 604 00:25:20,974 --> 00:25:24,307 Okay, security, can we-- can we bring Frank back down? 605 00:25:24,391 --> 00:25:26,683 Right? Let's bring-- Let's bring Frank back down. 606 00:25:26,766 --> 00:25:28,349 - Thank God. - Whoo! 607 00:25:28,432 --> 00:25:29,474 Thank you. 608 00:25:29,557 --> 00:25:31,808 And can we, render him vertical? 609 00:25:32,766 --> 00:25:34,307 There we go. 610 00:25:34,391 --> 00:25:37,349 Okay. Now, do you know what's gonna get us out of this? 611 00:25:37,432 --> 00:25:38,516 A big rocket? 612 00:25:38,599 --> 00:25:39,391 No. 613 00:25:39,474 --> 00:25:41,349 That-- Well, yes, that would be... 614 00:25:41,432 --> 00:25:43,683 Okay, there's two ways we can get out of this. 615 00:25:43,766 --> 00:25:45,182 Captain Ryan saved you, okay? 616 00:25:45,265 --> 00:25:48,015 So you just owe him a big handshake. 617 00:25:48,099 --> 00:25:49,933 - Go on. Go ahead. - Teamwork. 618 00:25:50,015 --> 00:25:52,849 We together as a team. All right? 619 00:25:52,933 --> 00:25:55,391 Like the Egyptians building the pyramids. 620 00:25:55,474 --> 00:25:57,265 We can be like... bricks 621 00:25:57,349 --> 00:25:58,808 in one of those Mexican palaces 622 00:25:58,891 --> 00:26:01,224 with the steps up the side, we climb the steps-- 623 00:26:02,974 --> 00:26:04,057 - Frank! - Whoa. 624 00:26:04,140 --> 00:26:07,683 You stay away from my wife, you jackal! 625 00:26:07,766 --> 00:26:11,099 Or you will have me and my wife to deal with! 626 00:26:11,808 --> 00:26:14,140 Got it? Captain Turtleneck? 627 00:26:14,224 --> 00:26:15,099 -Frank! -Honey-- 628 00:26:15,182 --> 00:26:16,599 -That was wrong. -Honey-- 629 00:26:16,683 --> 00:26:18,015 Hot, but wrong. 630 00:26:18,099 --> 00:26:19,808 - We're ten seconds from Halfway Home. So... 631 00:26:19,891 --> 00:26:21,891 - It's funny, isn't it? You call them "elevators." Ten. Nine... 632 00:26:21,974 --> 00:26:25,015 - But they just don't elevate they also... lower. Eight. Seven. Six. Seven. 633 00:26:25,099 --> 00:26:26,057 And zero! 634 00:26:29,307 --> 00:26:30,808 We're halfway home! 635 00:26:30,891 --> 00:26:34,683 Let's party so loud, they hear us back on Earth. 636 00:26:34,766 --> 00:26:36,891 Who threw that? You are dead man. 637 00:26:36,974 --> 00:26:38,808 All right, or woman, let's not be sexist. 638 00:26:38,891 --> 00:26:40,349 But actually, no, it was-- it was a man. 639 00:26:40,432 --> 00:26:41,683 It was him there. 640 00:26:41,766 --> 00:26:43,974 Not him. Him! 641 00:26:46,432 --> 00:26:48,432 -This is all on you. -What? 642 00:26:48,516 --> 00:26:49,599 You had one job. 643 00:26:49,683 --> 00:26:51,557 I expect. I'm not sure exactly what you do. 644 00:26:51,641 --> 00:26:54,641 I saved everybody, so I think the words you're looking for 645 00:26:54,724 --> 00:26:55,933 are "thank you, Billie" 646 00:26:56,015 --> 00:26:58,516 and "I'm sorry I've got a rod up my metal ass." 647 00:26:58,599 --> 00:27:00,349 I hope you're trampled by this conga line-- 648 00:27:00,432 --> 00:27:01,599 Whoa! 649 00:27:01,683 --> 00:27:04,891 Iris, I'll be in my cabin with a protein ball and a gun. 650 00:27:04,974 --> 00:27:07,557 - Yes, Mr. Judd-- - JUDD: Iris! 651 00:27:07,641 --> 00:27:09,474 I heard you! 652 00:27:11,015 --> 00:27:12,474 Well, I think that's my time. 653 00:27:12,557 --> 00:27:15,599 So thanks for coming, everyone, to see the funniest man 654 00:27:15,683 --> 00:27:17,099 in the universe. 655 00:27:17,182 --> 00:27:19,766 That's me, in case it wasn't clear. 656 00:27:19,849 --> 00:27:24,808 I think everything will be okay if we just stick together. 657 00:27:24,891 --> 00:27:28,140 Worked for every extinct species in history. 658 00:27:28,224 --> 00:27:29,933 What a crazy night, right? 659 00:27:31,224 --> 00:27:32,432 Knock, knock. 660 00:27:33,766 --> 00:27:36,224 Knock, knock. 661 00:27:40,516 --> 00:27:42,474 These-- These people are... 662 00:27:42,557 --> 00:27:44,182 ...the bravest and the boldest. 663 00:27:44,265 --> 00:27:48,599 They are humanity's finest, and they need safe-- 664 00:27:57,724 --> 00:27:59,683 The President will see you now. 665 00:27:59,766 --> 00:28:00,724 Great. 666 00:28:00,808 --> 00:28:02,182 Hey, 667 00:28:02,265 --> 00:28:04,891 Jordan's gonna be signing merchandise at the bar. 668 00:28:05,015 --> 00:28:07,557 I'm just kidding. He's in hiding. 49002

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.