Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:07,205 --> 00:00:09,225
[music]
2
00:00:11,790 --> 00:00:11,960
[music]
3
00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:13,680
>> Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
4
00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:16,280
Please welcome to the stage
5
00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:18,400
Mark U
6
00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:22,000
Thank you. Thank you.
7
00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:22,270
Thank you.
8
00:00:22,270 --> 00:00:22,920
>> [music]
9
00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:24,000
>> Thank you.
10
00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:24,920
TURN IT UP.
11
00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:26,200
TURN IT UP.
12
00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:26,520
>> [applause and cheering]
13
00:00:26,520 --> 00:00:27,640
>> NOW,
14
00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:29,840
I DON'T WANT OKAY.
15
00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:31,640
I DON'T WANT to start by disappointing
16
00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:33,360
you, but we're not doing Safari Time
17
00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:34,060
tonight.
18
00:00:34,060 --> 00:00:35,280
>> [laughter]
19
00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:38,920
>> I I don't think it works. So,
20
00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:41,200
I've spent the afternoon. I've rewrote
21
00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:44,080
the whole special.
22
00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:46,960
It's now a a show that takes place in
23
00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:48,800
the future.
24
00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:51,880
It's all about a robot who does stand-up
25
00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:55,680
in the future. I'm calling it the robot
26
00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:58,000
who does stand-up
27
00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:00,440
in the future.
28
00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:03,080
Here we go.
29
00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:07,560
All right. PLAY THE MUSIC, SAM.
30
00:01:10,740 --> 00:01:12,760
>> [music]
31
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:15,980
>> Turn it up.
32
00:01:15,980 --> 00:01:18,000
>> [laughter]
33
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:22,800
>> Knock knock. Who's there? Not your
34
00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:24,440
children cuz you don't care about
35
00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:25,805
climate change.
36
00:01:25,805 --> 00:01:26,200
>> [laughter]
37
00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:29,920
>> Yeah, guys, you got to remember.
38
00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:34,040
This takes place in the future. It is
39
00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:36,941
not fun and your kids are dead.
40
00:01:36,941 --> 00:01:38,961
>> [laughter]
41
00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:43,200
>> Guys, we're workshopping this. We are
42
00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:46,200
workshopping this. I think that music is
43
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:50,680
too playful for a dystopian future.
44
00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:52,640
Sam, let's try the more futuristic
45
00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:54,400
music. Let's do it again. All right,
46
00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:57,120
here we go.
47
00:01:57,901 --> 00:01:59,921
>> [music]
48
00:02:04,451 --> 00:02:06,000
[music]
49
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,726
>> Turn it off.
50
00:02:07,726 --> 00:02:09,240
>> [laughter]
51
00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:13,080
>> Why did the chicken cross the road?
52
00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:15,800
Because we over bred them as a species
53
00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:18,206
and then we all died off.
54
00:02:18,206 --> 00:02:18,640
>> [laughter]
55
00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:19,920
>> Guys, there's going to be [ __ ]
56
00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:23,480
chickens everywhere.
57
00:02:25,411 --> 00:02:27,431
>> [laughter]
58
00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:30,960
>> The chicken
59
00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,920
The chicken is [ __ ] because
60
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,160
the chicken evolved to taste like
61
00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:38,000
nothing and yet we still slaughter them
62
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,821
in the billions.
63
00:02:39,821 --> 00:02:41,841
>> [laughter]
64
00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:45,080
>> And don't be like, I like chicken. No,
65
00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:46,200
you don't. You [clears throat] like the
66
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:47,681
sauce.
67
00:02:47,681 --> 00:02:49,701
>> [laughter]
68
00:02:52,921 --> 00:02:54,941
[laughter]
69
00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:58,640
>> Every other animal evolved to to to help
70
00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:00,680
it live. The pig
71
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:03,840
evolved in the most [ __ ] up manner.
72
00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:06,680
Every part of the pig is more delicious
73
00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:08,400
than the last. [laughter]
74
00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:11,640
WHAT WAS IT THINKING?
75
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:16,160
YOU COULD BE EATING pig
76
00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:18,160
and be like, you know what would be good
77
00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:20,160
wrapped around this
78
00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:23,680
is more OF THAT [ __ ] PIG.
79
00:03:25,672 --> 00:03:27,692
>> [laughter]
80
00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:30,400
>> WE'RE SO HARD ON THE CHICKEN. LIKE ONE
81
00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:31,720
crosses the road and we're all like, I
82
00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:33,532
have a lot of questions.
83
00:03:33,532 --> 00:03:34,360
>> [laughter]
84
00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:37,040
>> Meanwhile, three pigs ran away from a
85
00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:39,520
wolf. You never once said, what the [ __ ]
86
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,392
did they just do?
87
00:03:41,392 --> 00:03:43,412
>> [laughter]
88
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:46,200
>> I'll tell you what they did. They [ __ ]
89
00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:47,942
the wolf's wife.
90
00:03:47,942 --> 00:03:49,962
>> [laughter]
91
00:03:50,562 --> 00:03:50,960
[applause and cheering]
92
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:53,560
>> That's right. The three pigs were spit
93
00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:55,147
roasting the wolf's wife.
94
00:03:55,147 --> 00:03:57,167
>> [laughter]
95
00:03:58,320 --> 00:03:59,732
>> Ironic.
96
00:03:59,732 --> 00:04:01,752
>> [laughter]
97
00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:03,680
>> Or you're a math crowd. You're like,
98
00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:06,120
Mark, there was three
99
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:09,480
three pigs. Spit roasting would be two
100
00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:11,040
pigs. The other guy was a little
101
00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:14,520
pervert. He just watched.
102
00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:18,727
He was basting.
103
00:04:18,727 --> 00:04:20,640
>> [laughter]
104
00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:22,320
>> He was the one that built the house out
105
00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:24,623
of straw because
106
00:04:24,623 --> 00:04:25,800
>> [laughter]
107
00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:28,160
>> his little pig hooves were just covered
108
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:29,863
in [ __ ]
109
00:04:29,863 --> 00:04:30,080
>> [laughter]
110
00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:32,240
>> So, he could just pick up the straw very
111
00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:35,160
easily and build with it. It was like an
112
00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:37,723
adhesive.
113
00:04:37,723 --> 00:04:39,743
>> [laughter]
114
00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:44,360
>> I think [laughter] the music, Sam, was
115
00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:47,200
too future Like the music, guys.
116
00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:50,600
Music can really set the tone.
117
00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:53,160
Guys, did you ever notice that music can
118
00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:56,400
really set the tone?
119
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:59,360
Watch. Watch. I'll show you. Watch.
120
00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:01,360
There's this Okay, when I use this next
121
00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:03,160
song, you'll notice just a slight
122
00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:04,560
difference. You'll notice a slight
123
00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:06,040
difference in your emotion. Watch.
124
00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:10,000
Watch. Play the third one, Sam.
125
00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:22,263
Turn it off. Turn it off.
126
00:05:22,263 --> 00:05:24,283
>> [laughter]
127
00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:27,503
>> Did you feel it? Just a slight
128
00:05:27,503 --> 00:05:29,523
>> [laughter]
129
00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:32,440
>> I think it's that one's in 4/4 time. I'm
130
00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:33,398
unsure.
131
00:05:33,398 --> 00:05:35,418
>> [laughter]
132
00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:43,760
>> I don't even need this, to be honest
133
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:44,533
with you.
134
00:05:44,533 --> 00:05:46,553
>> [laughter]
135
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:49,400
>> I don't. Like I'm I'm writing a new TV
136
00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:51,040
show. It's going to be a huge hit. It's
137
00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,320
amazing. It's going to be all about
138
00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:56,360
Hitler's mom.
139
00:05:56,360 --> 00:06:00,254
I know. Two Nazi jokes off the top?
140
00:06:00,254 --> 00:06:00,520
>> [laughter]
141
00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:02,520
>> Well, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? SPLIT
142
00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:05,440
THEM UP?
143
00:06:08,114 --> 00:06:10,134
>> [laughter]
144
00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:13,880
>> HERE'S WHAT THE SHOW'S GOING TO BE
145
00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:16,120
ABOUT. I think it's a great idea. So,
146
00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:19,320
every episode, right? Hitler's mom's
147
00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:21,120
just going about her day in the house
148
00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:23,840
and a portal opens up and someone comes
149
00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:26,600
from the future and tries to murder her
150
00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:29,129
baby. [laughter]
151
00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:33,920
The funny thing is you got to remember,
152
00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:36,279
SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHY.
153
00:06:36,279 --> 00:06:38,299
>> [laughter]
154
00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:42,040
>> EVERY DAY SHE'S JUST IRONING and what
155
00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:44,480
THE [ __ ] AGAIN?
156
00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:48,724
WHY DO THEY HATE babies in the future?
157
00:06:48,724 --> 00:06:49,240
>> [laughter]
158
00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:50,760
>> It's going to be a sitcom. It's going to
159
00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:51,320
be
160
00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:53,309
so funny.
161
00:06:53,309 --> 00:06:54,400
>> [laughter]
162
00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:57,040
>> She's going to have a crazy catchphrase.
163
00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:59,859
Hitler's mom.
164
00:06:59,859 --> 00:07:00,440
>> [laughter]
165
00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:02,120
>> You have to on a sitcom, right? So,
166
00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:04,160
imagine the portal opens up, someone
167
00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:06,000
comes in to murder her baby. She's going
168
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:07,080
to be like,
169
00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:09,684
What are you doing here?
170
00:07:09,684 --> 00:07:10,600
>> [laughter]
171
00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:12,800
>> That's not offensive. That's not
172
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,280
offensive.
173
00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:16,440
GUYS, THAT'S NOT OFFENSIVE.
174
00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:19,440
It's not offensive. I GUARANTEE YOU
175
00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:21,360
THERE WOULD BE THERE WOULD BE A LINEUP
176
00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:24,160
OF JEWISH PEOPLE AT THE TIME MACHINE TO
177
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:26,715
MURDER THAT [ __ ] BABY.
178
00:07:26,715 --> 00:07:27,600
>> [applause and laughter]
179
00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:30,920
>> YOU'RE UPSET AT NOTHING.
180
00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:32,920
GUYS.
181
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:35,920
GUYS.
182
00:07:37,850 --> 00:07:39,870
>> [laughter]
183
00:07:42,435 --> 00:07:43,520
[laughter]
184
00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:46,080
>> THAT FROSTY THE Snowman can [ __ ] off.
185
00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:48,320
That's the thing. [laughter]
186
00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:53,000
Is there going TO BE SEGWAYS? NO.
187
00:07:55,535 --> 00:07:57,360
>> [laughter]
188
00:07:57,360 --> 00:08:00,480
>> THOSE KIDS BUILT A SNOWMAN, put a magic
189
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:03,640
hat on it, right? Gave it the gift of
190
00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:06,440
life. Gave it a soul. And then they're
191
00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:07,680
like, what do you want to do with your
192
00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:08,800
new found life? And he'd be like, I
193
00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:11,255
don't know. Run around, jaywalk.
194
00:08:11,255 --> 00:08:13,275
>> [laughter]
195
00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:16,760
>> What a waste of a magic hat.
196
00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:18,400
If that was I would take that right off
197
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:21,080
him because it's a money making machine,
198
00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:22,600
to be honest with you.
199
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:24,040
How many times have you heard someone
200
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:27,000
say, like, I wish I had five more
201
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:28,940
minutes with my grandma?
202
00:08:28,940 --> 00:08:30,000
>> [laughter]
203
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:31,840
>> Some business people. Some business
204
00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:33,840
people.
205
00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:36,479
Yeah, here's my business plan. You bring
206
00:08:36,479 --> 00:08:40,640
your dead grandma to my garage.
207
00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:44,080
We put that magic hat on her. Now, guys,
208
00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:46,960
you get five minutes, all right?
209
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,360
Not a second more cuz
210
00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:50,600
I know a lot of you are going to be
211
00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:52,120
complaining. You'll be like, well, wait,
212
00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:54,680
the first two minutes was a WHOLE LOT OF
213
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:56,560
WHERE AM I?
214
00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:58,520
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
215
00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:00,960
WHAT'S THIS HAT? AM I BACK TO LIFE
216
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:02,480
FOREVER?
217
00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:04,966
WHERE'S MY SKIN?
218
00:09:04,966 --> 00:09:06,986
>> [laughter]
219
00:09:11,516 --> 00:09:12,840
[laughter]
220
00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:15,280
>> AND NOW SHE'S A SKELETON, RIGHT? SO,
221
00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:16,760
she's going to sing and dance for
222
00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:18,721
another two minutes.
223
00:09:18,721 --> 00:09:19,560
>> [laughter]
224
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:23,200
>> They always do in THE CARTOON.
225
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:24,800
OH,
226
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:27,440
I'M JUST A SKELETON GRANDMA COMING back
227
00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:31,120
from the dead. Something like that.
228
00:09:31,166 --> 00:09:31,240
>> [laughter]
229
00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:34,800
>> What? A SECOND VERSE? SURE.
230
00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:37,280
OH, I'M JUST A SKELETON GRANDMA magic
231
00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:41,000
hat upon my head.
232
00:09:44,266 --> 00:09:44,680
>> [applause]
233
00:09:44,680 --> 00:09:46,640
>> Right? Cuz she took it off. She took it
234
00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:47,880
off.
235
00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:50,816
She took She took it off.
236
00:09:50,816 --> 00:09:51,880
>> [laughter]
237
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:55,160
>> She took the hat off.
238
00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:57,366
I'm just going to keep saying that my
239
00:09:57,366 --> 00:09:57,560
>> [laughter]
240
00:09:57,560 --> 00:10:01,400
>> till my knee stops throbbing.
241
00:10:05,881 --> 00:10:07,901
>> [laughter]
242
00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:12,200
>> Is there feedback Sam is that me? Are we
243
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:13,320
okay?
244
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:15,840
Can I continue? All right.
245
00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:17,320
You know what that just shot my
246
00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:19,320
confidence.
247
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:21,120
That just shot my confidence right then
248
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:22,440
and there. Dave that just shot my
249
00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:24,600
confidence.
250
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:27,280
Oh [ __ ]
251
00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:28,680
You know what guys
252
00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:30,280
uh
253
00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:32,360
I didn't want to do this. I didn't want
254
00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:33,560
to do this.
255
00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:36,880
But I I have this tape of me giving me a
256
00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:38,632
pep talk and I
257
00:10:38,632 --> 00:10:39,760
>> [laughter]
258
00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:42,120
>> We'll just turn off turn off turn off
259
00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:43,480
turn off the cameras and then we'll just
260
00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:45,680
do this pep talk and then
261
00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:47,640
Sorry guys. Uh can you play it Sam?
262
00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:50,560
Thanks. It just will help me
263
00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:52,880
get back. Oh hey buddy it's me.
264
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:55,007
It's me. Well you.
265
00:10:55,007 --> 00:10:55,320
>> [laughter]
266
00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:58,120
>> Okay. Now remember all we talked about
267
00:10:58,120 --> 00:11:03,520
earlier right? Stay calm deep breath
268
00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:05,960
and just do your jokes.
269
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:07,800
>> Right. Right. Be confident. Why don't
270
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:10,480
you start off with the one about the
271
00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:11,400
dinosaur?
272
00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:13,040
>> Okay. It will kill.
273
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:14,120
>> So did you guys ever notice with
274
00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:15,760
dinosaurs they always [laughter] come
275
00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:18,520
out and go Oh I didn't Probably pretty
276
00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:19,200
good I think.
277
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:21,120
>> space.
278
00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:22,440
Okay. Now that you've got them all
279
00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:24,080
warmed up why don't you try the one
280
00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:25,480
about the old lady?
281
00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:26,920
>> Uh did you I think they're really going
282
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,360
to like that one. Do you ever notice
283
00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:28,520
with
284
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:29,920
>> it go? I didn't leave enough space.
285
00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:32,600
They're still laughing at it.
286
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,920
Okay. Now you've got them.
287
00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:39,920
Now please hit them with the A material.
288
00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:42,560
Oh there's someone at the door. It's
289
00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:45,920
Someone at the DOOR SAM IT'S
290
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:51,080
WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME? GET ON the
291
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:52,520
floor.
292
00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:53,560
What's happening TO ME?
293
00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:55,440
>> YOU WANT FROM ME? WHAT?
294
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:57,720
GET ON THE FLOOR. WHAT'S HAPPENING TO
295
00:11:57,720 --> 00:11:59,839
ME?
296
00:12:02,839 --> 00:12:04,160
PLEASE DON'T [laughter] PLEASE DON'T
297
00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:05,320
HURT ME.
298
00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:07,400
I HAVE I HAVE MONEY AND
299
00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:10,640
SHUT UP.
300
00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:15,360
PLEASE I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
301
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:18,880
>> YOU WANT. SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP.
302
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:20,800
THIS is a message from Polly.
303
00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:25,360
>> No. See you in hell.
304
00:12:33,258 --> 00:12:35,278
>> [laughter]
305
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:43,160
>> Wait a minute.
306
00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:45,040
If that was me I would HAVE BEEN SHOT.
307
00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:47,200
>> OH MY GOD.
308
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:48,978
OH MY GOD.
309
00:12:48,978 --> 00:12:50,998
>> [cheering]
310
00:12:52,253 --> 00:12:54,273
[applause]
311
00:12:58,148 --> 00:13:00,168
[applause]
312
00:13:01,423 --> 00:13:03,443
[laughter]
313
00:13:06,839 --> 00:13:07,974
>> THAT WAS ACTING.
314
00:13:07,974 --> 00:13:09,994
>> [laughter]
315
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:15,960
>> YEAH. THANK YOU. I'VE BEEN TAKING ACTING
316
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:18,360
classes and uh
317
00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:19,560
I really want to get out of this
318
00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:21,920
stand-up thing and uh
319
00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:25,120
So I've been just trying to branch out.
320
00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:26,720
Taking some acting classes. I've I've
321
00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:28,934
also been taking improv and uh
322
00:13:28,934 --> 00:13:29,440
>> [laughter]
323
00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:31,440
>> Yeah it's so fun.
324
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:32,640
Anyway
325
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:33,519
uh
326
00:13:33,519 --> 00:13:35,539
>> [laughter]
327
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:38,880
>> There's No this guy I met this guy
328
00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:41,560
Mitch. He's an ex-con and uh
329
00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:43,240
he was in jail for like 15 years and
330
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:44,480
then he got out and he turned his life
331
00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:46,200
around. So there's this improv class and
332
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,200
I've been taking it uh like every other
333
00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:49,894
Tuesday and stuff. So it's like
334
00:13:49,894 --> 00:13:50,760
>> [laughter]
335
00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:53,800
>> It's so fun.
336
00:13:55,789 --> 00:13:57,160
>> [laughter]
337
00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:58,200
>> We're going off the rails here. All
338
00:13:58,200 --> 00:13:59,320
right.
339
00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:02,200
Uh okay
340
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:03,640
Okay. Uh
341
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:05,560
it's just like audiences come into
342
00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:08,400
improv and they're just so open.
343
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:09,480
They're just so open they're just like
344
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:11,120
oh my god you're a doctor you're you're
345
00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:12,400
just so open. When you come into
346
00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:14,784
stand-up you're
347
00:14:14,784 --> 00:14:15,720
>> [laughter]
348
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:17,160
>> What are these sentences you wrote
349
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:20,520
months ago? It's like so annoying.
350
00:14:20,959 --> 00:14:23,959
Just tired of it and then anyway okay.
351
00:14:23,959 --> 00:14:27,884
Roll the cameras again. Uh
352
00:14:27,884 --> 00:14:28,000
>> [laughter]
353
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:30,480
>> Back to the show.
354
00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:32,480
Like anybody can do improv. That's the
355
00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:33,779
thing right? Like
356
00:14:33,779 --> 00:14:33,920
>> [laughter]
357
00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:36,280
>> there's an accountant in my class
358
00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:40,240
there's like a a widow
359
00:14:41,839 --> 00:14:44,160
Like her scenes aren't really that funny
360
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:48,190
but she's going through a lot.
361
00:14:48,190 --> 00:14:50,210
>> [laughter]
362
00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:53,040
>> Anyway back
363
00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:55,040
Okay. Back to the
364
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:56,280
show. So
365
00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:57,400
uh
366
00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:58,720
I'm only a level one. Like [laughter]
367
00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:01,079
there's
368
00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:02,920
Like there's levels you go through. Like
369
00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:04,240
I'm only level one you can go all the
370
00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:06,560
way to level 12 or something. Anyway
371
00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:08,760
Like back What am I doing?
372
00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:11,040
All right. Back to the stand-up. Okay.
373
00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:13,080
Doing improv. WHAT?
374
00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:14,760
>> [laughter]
375
00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:16,959
>> WHAT?
376
00:15:19,630 --> 00:15:19,760
>> [laughter]
377
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:23,280
>> YOU can't Guys stop chanting doing
378
00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:24,870
improv.
379
00:15:24,870 --> 00:15:26,890
>> [laughter]
380
00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:31,160
>> Dave we can add that in post right?
381
00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:32,839
Where they're chanting cuz these dumb
382
00:15:32,839 --> 00:15:34,240
[ __ ] don't seem to know that they're
383
00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:37,640
supposed to say doing improv.
384
00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:42,040
Just say it. YEAH OH MY GOD WHAT?
385
00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:48,800
OKAY.
386
00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:50,415
OKAY.
387
00:15:50,415 --> 00:15:50,920
>> [cheering]
388
00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:52,380
>> That's too much.
389
00:15:52,380 --> 00:15:54,400
>> [laughter]
390
00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:56,760
>> Okay. All right. Um okay keep the
391
00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:59,800
cameras off. Uh
392
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:01,000
We'll get back to the special in a
393
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:03,880
minute. Um okay. So um
394
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:06,160
I'm so nervous. Uh
395
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:08,000
but thank you for the support on this. I
396
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,000
god I wish Mitch
397
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:11,800
uh the ex-con I wish he was here to see
398
00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:15,079
this. It would be so Okay yeah. Okay. So
399
00:16:15,079 --> 00:16:18,640
uh remember I'm only a level one so um
400
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:20,760
as a level one um I'm not allowed to
401
00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:23,821
take suggestions from the audience.
402
00:16:23,821 --> 00:16:24,400
>> [laughter]
403
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,520
>> So
404
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:27,600
It's in the
405
00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:29,720
It's in the rule book. It's in the rule
406
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:30,959
book.
407
00:16:30,959 --> 00:16:33,240
So I'll just improvise a scene and then
408
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:34,760
and then we'll just get back to the
409
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:35,611
special. So
410
00:16:35,611 --> 00:16:35,760
>> [laughter]
411
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:36,360
>> um
412
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:38,680
So what Okay so what about if I don't
413
00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:40,000
know uh
414
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:43,200
Let's say I'm hosting a children's show
415
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:45,160
all right? And it's about and let's say
416
00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:48,360
it's about animals and um uh oh we'll
417
00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:51,520
call it Safari Time.
418
00:16:51,986 --> 00:16:52,280
>> [applause]
419
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:53,320
>> Okay.
420
00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:54,680
And
421
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:58,536
uh oh and Mitch the ex-con he says that
422
00:16:58,536 --> 00:17:00,480
>> [laughter]
423
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:01,800
>> he says that you're supposed to have
424
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:03,880
like um something your character's
425
00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:06,040
dealing with in their personal life
426
00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:07,800
while they're trying to accomplish the
427
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:09,120
thing they're doing in the scene right?
428
00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:12,400
So like um okay so let's say he's um
429
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:14,320
Oh I know. Let's say he's also trying to
430
00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:16,876
get a better deal with his mechanic.
431
00:17:16,876 --> 00:17:18,839
>> [laughter]
432
00:17:18,839 --> 00:17:21,461
>> HOW'S HE GOING TO JUGGLE THAT RIGHT?
433
00:17:21,461 --> 00:17:23,439
>> [laughter]
434
00:17:23,439 --> 00:17:26,199
>> OKAY. SO UM
435
00:17:26,199 --> 00:17:29,322
UH I'VE improvised this hat
436
00:17:29,322 --> 00:17:29,920
>> [laughter]
437
00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:33,280
>> and I've improvised this vest.
438
00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:35,217
You're right to laugh. You can't
439
00:17:35,217 --> 00:17:35,600
>> [laughter]
440
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:39,880
>> You you can't improvise a vest or a hat.
441
00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:42,400
Okay.
442
00:17:42,422 --> 00:17:42,720
>> [laughter]
443
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:46,080
>> Okay. So um I've also improvised a theme
444
00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:48,440
song. So here we go.
445
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:50,640
We go to Safari Time. All right. Here we
446
00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:54,160
go. Play it Sam.
447
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:57,640
Safari Time.
448
00:17:58,280 --> 00:17:59,452
Safari Time.
449
00:17:59,452 --> 00:17:59,480
>> [music]
450
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:01,320
>> Hey Sam can you turn off for a second?
451
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:03,080
>> Safari Time. Hey Sam can you turn off
452
00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:04,037
for a second?
453
00:18:04,037 --> 00:18:04,520
>> [laughter]
454
00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:06,920
>> Guys
455
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:10,520
Like I know I I'm only a level one and
456
00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:12,552
you're not improvisers but
457
00:18:12,552 --> 00:18:13,560
>> [laughter]
458
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:18,200
>> you're excited to be at Safari Time.
459
00:18:19,757 --> 00:18:21,777
>> [laughter]
460
00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:24,040
>> Okay.
461
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:28,400
Like normally you don't restart an
462
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:30,892
improv.
463
00:18:30,892 --> 00:18:32,912
>> [laughter]
464
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:36,360
>> Okay.
465
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:39,800
Okay. Play it Sam.
466
00:18:41,372 --> 00:18:42,440
>> [cheering]
467
00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:45,000
>> SAFARI TIME.
468
00:18:45,302 --> 00:18:47,320
>> [applause]
469
00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:48,577
>> SAFARI TIME.
470
00:18:48,577 --> 00:18:50,040
>> [music]
471
00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:52,960
>> SAFARI TIME.
472
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:57,960
SAFARI TIME. OKAY. Um
473
00:18:58,919 --> 00:19:01,679
The eagle-eyed amongst you might be like
474
00:19:01,679 --> 00:19:03,200
I think you improvised the song too
475
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:04,298
long.
476
00:19:04,298 --> 00:19:06,318
>> [laughter]
477
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:09,159
>> Cuz I was standing here looking like an
478
00:19:09,159 --> 00:19:11,760
idiot for a bit there. You noticed I can
479
00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:12,813
tell.
480
00:19:12,813 --> 00:19:14,360
>> [laughter]
481
00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:16,080
>> So I'm just going to I'm just I think if
482
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:19,000
I start further away
483
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:21,720
with more real estate then I can
484
00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:23,440
Okay. I'm going to start here okay? You
485
00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:25,560
remind me that I started here. Okay
486
00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:28,080
great. Okay play it Sam.
487
00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:31,153
Here we go. THAT'S BETTER.
488
00:19:31,153 --> 00:19:33,118
>> [music]
489
00:19:33,118 --> 00:19:35,138
[cheering]
490
00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:41,600
>> SAFARI TIME.
491
00:19:41,633 --> 00:19:43,360
>> [music]
492
00:19:43,360 --> 00:19:44,000
>> SAFARI TIME.
493
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,880
>> HEY KIDS I'M BRANDON.
494
00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:47,840
No
495
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:48,838
guys
496
00:19:48,838 --> 00:19:50,858
>> [laughter]
497
00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:53,960
>> You know what's You know what's really
498
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,120
shitty? Is to be built me up and be
499
00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:59,800
like, "Do an improv. Do an improv."
500
00:20:01,938 --> 00:20:02,560
>> [laughter]
501
00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:04,560
>> And then I say, "Hi, Brandon." and not
502
00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:08,488
one of you said, "Hi, Brandon."
503
00:20:08,488 --> 00:20:08,920
>> [laughter]
504
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:12,480
>> Like you've seen TV shows.
505
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:22,244
You know what? It's not It's
506
00:20:22,244 --> 00:20:22,920
>> [laughter]
507
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:24,680
>> Where was I? Where was I? Where did I
508
00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:28,640
start? Where did I start? Right here?
509
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:32,440
Okay, PLAY IT AGAIN.
510
00:20:33,379 --> 00:20:35,399
>> [music]
511
00:20:43,859 --> 00:20:45,879
[music]
512
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:48,444
>> IT'S SAFARI TIME.
513
00:20:48,444 --> 00:20:50,240
>> [groaning]
514
00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:53,280
>> GUYS, I UH I
515
00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:55,520
I think Mitch told me he was an ex-con
516
00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:58,360
in confidence.
517
00:21:05,474 --> 00:21:07,494
>> [laughter]
518
00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:10,000
>> You were rolling, right?
519
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:12,024
You were rolling, right, Dave?
520
00:21:12,024 --> 00:21:14,044
>> [laughter]
521
00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:22,120
>> PLAY IT AGAIN.
522
00:21:23,814 --> 00:21:25,834
>> [cheering]
523
00:21:26,434 --> 00:21:28,399
[music]
524
00:21:28,399 --> 00:21:30,419
[applause]
525
00:21:34,949 --> 00:21:36,000
[music]
526
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:38,040
>> HEY, KIDS, I'M STEVE.
527
00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:39,480
>> HI, STEVE.
528
00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:42,160
NOW, some of you
529
00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:44,774
might be going, "WHERE'S BRANDON?"
530
00:21:44,774 --> 00:21:46,794
>> [laughter]
531
00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:50,670
>> GUYS, THAT'S THE THING ABOUT IMPROV.
532
00:21:50,670 --> 00:21:51,600
>> [laughter]
533
00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:54,240
>> You got it.
534
00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:06,390
OKAY, PLAY IT AGAIN, SAM.
535
00:22:06,390 --> 00:22:08,410
>> [music]
536
00:22:10,975 --> 00:22:12,120
[music]
537
00:22:12,120 --> 00:22:14,320
>> SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP.
538
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:16,215
SHUT UP.
539
00:22:16,215 --> 00:22:17,200
>> [music]
540
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:20,040
>> IT'S SAFARI TIME.
541
00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:23,640
IT'S SAFARI TIME.
542
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:26,695
YEAH, I know. That's way too much.
543
00:22:26,695 --> 00:22:28,715
>> [laughter]
544
00:22:29,970 --> 00:22:30,560
[applause]
545
00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:34,000
>> Some of you forgot. He's also trying to
546
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:35,800
get a better deal with his mechanic.
547
00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:38,640
Come on, guys.
548
00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:40,880
Honestly, there's only two balls in the
549
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:41,760
air.
550
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:43,780
>> [laughter]
551
00:22:48,965 --> 00:22:50,985
[laughter]
552
00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:58,560
>> YEAH.
553
00:23:02,065 --> 00:23:04,085
>> [music]
554
00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:14,800
>> IT'S SAFARI TIME.
555
00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:18,560
HEY, KIDS, I'M BRANDON. HI, BRANDON.
556
00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:21,200
I'M NOT HURT. I'm not hurt.
557
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:23,640
That's called an acting choice.
558
00:23:23,640 --> 00:23:26,200
It just gives [laughter] It just
559
00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:28,921
It just gives Brandon more layers.
560
00:23:28,921 --> 00:23:30,941
>> [laughter]
561
00:23:40,056 --> 00:23:42,076
[laughter]
562
00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:46,606
>> Guys, I swear this is the last time.
563
00:23:46,606 --> 00:23:47,920
>> [laughter]
564
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:51,191
>> Or it's 45 more minutes of that.
565
00:23:51,191 --> 00:23:52,320
>> [laughter]
566
00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:54,466
>> I don't know.
567
00:23:54,466 --> 00:23:55,080
>> [cheering]
568
00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:57,360
>> I don't know.
569
00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:01,840
Where was I? Where was I?
570
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:03,200
Where was I? Right here? Right here?
571
00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:06,600
Okay. OKAY, PLAY IT AGAIN.
572
00:24:06,911 --> 00:24:08,876
>> [music]
573
00:24:08,876 --> 00:24:10,896
[cheering]
574
00:24:16,736 --> 00:24:18,756
[cheering]
575
00:24:20,679 --> 00:24:21,560
>> IT'S SAFARI TIME.
576
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:25,040
>> HEY, KIDS, I'M BRANDON. HI, BRANDON. ONE
577
00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:27,080
SECOND, KIDS.
578
00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:29,836
And that's a GREAT PRICE.
579
00:24:29,836 --> 00:24:31,146
>> [laughter]
580
00:24:31,146 --> 00:24:33,166
[cheering]
581
00:24:39,007 --> 00:24:41,027
[applause]
582
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:44,640
>> OH MY GOD. I MEAN I mean overall like a
583
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:48,177
couple of hiccups, but
584
00:24:48,177 --> 00:24:50,197
>> [laughter]
585
00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:52,960
>> Guys,
586
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:55,560
here's the thing about improv.
587
00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:57,800
You should learn about the character
588
00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:01,080
before you cheer them on.
589
00:25:01,932 --> 00:25:03,952
>> [laughter]
590
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:09,792
>> Brandon was getting his white van fixed.
591
00:25:09,792 --> 00:25:10,720
>> [laughter]
592
00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:11,880
>> Yeah.
593
00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:13,520
You've been cheering on a pedophile this
594
00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:15,960
whole time.
595
00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:18,307
That's disgusting.
596
00:25:18,307 --> 00:25:20,327
>> [laughter]
597
00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:24,080
>> That is really disgusting that you guys
598
00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:25,880
were doing that. I mean, he pulled a
599
00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:29,442
hammy chasing kids IN THE PARK.
600
00:25:29,442 --> 00:25:31,440
>> [laughter]
601
00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:35,000
>> THE SIGNS were all there.
602
00:25:35,337 --> 00:25:37,357
>> [laughter]
603
00:25:43,852 --> 00:25:44,640
[laughter]
604
00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:48,360
>> I spend a lot of time in graveyards.
605
00:25:48,437 --> 00:25:50,457
>> [laughter]
606
00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:54,280
>> Are you going to sit cool the whole
607
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:56,760
show?
608
00:25:58,917 --> 00:25:59,679
>> [laughter]
609
00:25:59,679 --> 00:26:03,240
>> This is a cool ass sitting spot.
610
00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:08,400
In my town, there's a graveyard uh and
611
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,440
one of the headstones says David Bowie
612
00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:12,840
on it. And this David Bowie died in
613
00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:15,520
1937.
614
00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:17,040
I think about this [ __ ] guy all the
615
00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:17,913
time.
616
00:26:17,913 --> 00:26:19,933
>> [laughter]
617
00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:23,400
>> He never knew
618
00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:25,800
the David Bowie we all know.
619
00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:28,000
He never knew the David Bowie we all
620
00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:30,120
know. He lived his whole life as David
621
00:26:30,120 --> 00:26:31,640
Bowie. He would have been on his
622
00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:33,440
deathbed surrounded by his friends and
623
00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:35,080
family and they would have been like,
624
00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:36,520
"You
625
00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:38,873
were an amazing David Bowie.
626
00:26:38,873 --> 00:26:40,893
>> [laughter]
627
00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:43,440
>> There is never ever going to Right,
628
00:26:43,440 --> 00:26:46,400
guys? There's never
629
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:48,280
There's never going to be a better David
630
00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:49,353
Bowie than you."
631
00:26:49,353 --> 00:26:51,373
>> [laughter]
632
00:26:54,040 --> 00:26:57,720
>> He would have died so cocky, right?
633
00:26:57,720 --> 00:26:59,120
He would have just showed up in heaven
634
00:26:59,120 --> 00:27:01,600
going, "Hey, I'm here. [ __ ] David
635
00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:02,453
Bowie."
636
00:27:02,453 --> 00:27:02,679
>> [laughter]
637
00:27:02,679 --> 00:27:06,440
>> Cuz he has nothing to compare it to.
638
00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:11,623
Years later, God had had enough.
639
00:27:11,623 --> 00:27:13,643
>> [laughter]
640
00:27:18,440 --> 00:27:20,440
>> He was like, "Saint Peter, have you met
641
00:27:20,440 --> 00:27:23,200
that [ __ ] David Bowie?
642
00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:25,320
So cocky.
643
00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:26,640
I'm going to I'm going to teach him a
644
00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:28,960
lesson. You know what I'm going to do?
645
00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:31,040
I'm going to send down to Earth two Davy
646
00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:32,584
Jones.
647
00:27:32,584 --> 00:27:34,400
>> [laughter]
648
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:36,880
>> One of the Davy Jones is going to grow
649
00:27:36,880 --> 00:27:38,760
up and and join a band called the
650
00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:39,789
Monkees.
651
00:27:39,789 --> 00:27:41,440
>> [laughter]
652
00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:45,600
>> The other Davy No, it's not.
653
00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:50,924
Just listen.
654
00:27:50,924 --> 00:27:51,800
>> [laughter]
655
00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:54,080
>> The other Davy Jones
656
00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:57,240
will grow up and want to get into music,
657
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:59,080
but won't want to be associated with
658
00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:01,440
that Davy Jones and then he'll change
659
00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:03,440
his name to David Bowie.
660
00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:05,334
That'll show that guy."
661
00:28:05,334 --> 00:28:07,354
>> [laughter]
662
00:28:09,240 --> 00:28:11,480
>> Well, God, I think you could just make
663
00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:16,160
another David Bowie. Saint Peter,
664
00:28:17,124 --> 00:28:19,144
>> [laughter]
665
00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:23,674
>> I work in mysterious ways.
666
00:28:23,674 --> 00:28:25,694
>> [laughter]
667
00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:38,120
>> Now, the first David Bowie
668
00:28:38,120 --> 00:28:41,359
has to watch from heaven
669
00:28:41,359 --> 00:28:41,880
>> [laughter]
670
00:28:41,880 --> 00:28:45,000
>> as this new David Bowie, frankly, knocks
671
00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:48,679
it out of the [ __ ] park.
672
00:28:49,219 --> 00:28:51,239
>> [laughter]
673
00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:56,280
>> He's probably going to try to get people
674
00:28:56,280 --> 00:28:57,720
on his side up there, right? Just be
675
00:28:57,720 --> 00:29:00,080
like, "Yeah, no, it's a He's a
676
00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:03,560
He's a good David Bowie. Like [laughter]
677
00:29:03,560 --> 00:29:05,600
Yeah, the music's good and everything.
678
00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:06,760
Um
679
00:29:06,760 --> 00:29:09,525
but did you see Labyrinth?
680
00:29:09,525 --> 00:29:11,545
>> [laughter]
681
00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:14,480
>> It's not a great punchline because not a
682
00:29:14,480 --> 00:29:16,919
lot of people have seen the 1980s film
683
00:29:16,919 --> 00:29:18,040
Labyrinth.
684
00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:18,640
>> [laughter]
685
00:29:18,640 --> 00:29:20,880
>> And those that have, I don't want on my
686
00:29:20,880 --> 00:29:23,600
side.
687
00:29:25,245 --> 00:29:27,200
>> [laughter]
688
00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:29,200
>> If you haven't seen it, uh David Bowie
689
00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:31,159
is in purple tights the whole movie and
690
00:29:31,159 --> 00:29:33,105
you can see his big dick in there.
691
00:29:33,105 --> 00:29:33,800
[laughter]
692
00:29:33,800 --> 00:29:35,960
But and you can't look away cuz all the
693
00:29:35,960 --> 00:29:38,040
Muppets are dancing around at waist
694
00:29:38,040 --> 00:29:39,000
height.
695
00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:41,020
>> [laughter]
696
00:29:45,550 --> 00:29:47,570
[laughter]
697
00:29:48,400 --> 00:29:51,480
>> The world's broken.
698
00:29:53,440 --> 00:29:56,720
The world is broken.
699
00:29:56,720 --> 00:29:58,880
Do you know how I figured out I figured
700
00:29:58,880 --> 00:29:59,880
out the world was broken in the
701
00:29:59,880 --> 00:30:02,880
strangest way? I was on the internet and
702
00:30:02,880 --> 00:30:05,400
I was on YouTube and I was looking up
703
00:30:05,400 --> 00:30:07,960
the karaoke version of Bette Midler's
704
00:30:07,960 --> 00:30:10,600
song The Rose.
705
00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:12,040
And this is what happened to me. I was
706
00:30:12,040 --> 00:30:14,440
like, "How many I wonder how many people
707
00:30:14,440 --> 00:30:16,520
have commented underneath the karaoke
708
00:30:16,520 --> 00:30:19,360
version of The Rose?"
709
00:30:19,360 --> 00:30:21,360
Probably I was saying probably one or
710
00:30:21,360 --> 00:30:23,760
two, like maybe like, "What key is
711
00:30:23,760 --> 00:30:25,506
this?" Right?
712
00:30:25,506 --> 00:30:26,720
>> [laughter]
713
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:30,200
>> Sam, can you play The Rose?
714
00:30:30,200 --> 00:30:32,480
Now, obviously this is not The Rose. I
715
00:30:32,480 --> 00:30:36,200
CAN'T AFFORD THE ROSE.
716
00:30:47,080 --> 00:30:51,920
"MISS YOU. LOVE YOU, MOM." 18 likes.
717
00:30:53,600 --> 00:30:56,291
Guys, are you getting this?
718
00:30:56,291 --> 00:30:57,600
>> [laughter]
719
00:30:57,600 --> 00:31:01,440
>> THIS IS ON THE KARAOKE version
720
00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:04,640
of [laughter] The Rose.
721
00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:09,880
"I miss and love you, Dad. My hero. God
722
00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:12,560
took you home. I never know you I never
723
00:31:12,560 --> 00:31:14,600
I know you never wanted to leave me and
724
00:31:14,600 --> 00:31:16,680
I never wanted you to go. I pray you're
725
00:31:16,680 --> 00:31:18,720
with your mom and dad. I know you loved
726
00:31:18,720 --> 00:31:20,600
her and missed her." Guys, I don't think
727
00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:21,836
you're getting this.
728
00:31:21,836 --> 00:31:22,880
>> [laughter]
729
00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:26,400
>> THIS IS ALL ON THE karaoke version
730
00:31:26,400 --> 00:31:29,720
of The Rose.
731
00:31:31,120 --> 00:31:32,920
"My heart is heavy, but I'll carry you
732
00:31:32,920 --> 00:31:35,200
forever, Dad. And I pray we're tighter
733
00:31:35,200 --> 00:31:38,211
again in heaven one day." Six likes.
734
00:31:38,211 --> 00:31:40,231
>> [laughter]
735
00:31:43,800 --> 00:31:45,480
>> "I sang this song at my grandmother's
736
00:31:45,480 --> 00:31:47,280
burial service.
737
00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:49,160
I also sang this song with my cousin
738
00:31:49,160 --> 00:31:51,966
Nicole in the hospital cafeteria
739
00:31:51,966 --> 00:31:52,280
>> [laughter]
740
00:31:52,280 --> 00:31:54,040
>> when my mom and sister and I visited her
741
00:31:54,040 --> 00:31:56,552
right before she died." Nine likes.
742
00:31:56,552 --> 00:31:58,572
>> [laughter]
743
00:31:59,880 --> 00:32:01,560
>> GUYS,
744
00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:04,080
THIS ISN'T ON BETTE MIDLER'S VERSION OF
745
00:32:04,080 --> 00:32:06,640
THE ROSE.
746
00:32:08,160 --> 00:32:11,617
THIS IS ON THE KARAOKE VERSION.
747
00:32:11,617 --> 00:32:13,637
>> [laughter]
748
00:32:14,480 --> 00:32:18,160
>> "MY DAD, he took his own life."
749
00:32:20,840 --> 00:32:23,360
Now, I know you're thinking, "THIS IS
750
00:32:23,360 --> 00:32:27,480
NOT REAL." GO HOME AND GOOGLE
751
00:32:27,480 --> 00:32:29,640
THE KARAOKE VERSION OF THE ROSE. BUT
752
00:32:29,640 --> 00:32:31,679
DON'T WRITE ANY FUNNY COMMENTS. YOU'LL
753
00:32:31,679 --> 00:32:34,800
[ __ ] UP MY JOKE.
754
00:32:40,440 --> 00:32:42,800
"MY DADDY TOOK HIS OWN LIFE.
755
00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:46,080
IT WAS covered up.
756
00:32:48,160 --> 00:32:52,080
A load of BS was spun.
757
00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:54,400
I saw the official coroner's report
758
00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:56,040
myself.
759
00:32:56,040 --> 00:32:58,320
This Wednesday will be his 22nd year in
760
00:32:58,320 --> 00:33:00,640
heaven." Now, that was all in caps, so
761
00:33:00,640 --> 00:33:02,840
that's like, "THIS WEDNESDAY WILL BE HIS
762
00:33:02,840 --> 00:33:06,280
22ND YEAR IN HEAVEN!"
763
00:33:06,637 --> 00:33:08,657
>> [laughter]
764
00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:12,080
>> "I ASK IF YOU COULD please light a
765
00:33:12,080 --> 00:33:14,400
candle in his memory
766
00:33:14,400 --> 00:33:16,800
and just tell Jesus to please let my dad
767
00:33:16,800 --> 00:33:21,200
know that he's not forgotten." 15 likes.
768
00:33:21,703 --> 00:33:23,440
>> [laughter]
769
00:33:23,440 --> 00:33:26,520
>> There's a reply.
770
00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:29,720
"I'm so sorry. I'm praying for you and I
771
00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:34,480
lit a candle. [ __ ] off, you're dead."
772
00:33:34,960 --> 00:33:38,120
"Fuck off, you're dead."
773
00:33:38,120 --> 00:33:40,679
What does that even look like?
774
00:33:40,679 --> 00:33:42,160
Hey, hon, I'm going to the computer. I'm
775
00:33:42,160 --> 00:33:43,920
going to get some karaoke songs. What do
776
00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:46,000
you want me to get? For the party on
777
00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:47,760
Saturday.
778
00:33:47,760 --> 00:33:50,523
The Rose? Yeah, I can get The Rose.
779
00:33:50,523 --> 00:33:52,543
>> [laughter]
780
00:33:57,073 --> 00:33:58,560
[laughter]
781
00:33:58,560 --> 00:34:01,840
>> Took his own life.
782
00:34:03,400 --> 00:34:06,243
A lot of BS was spun.
783
00:34:06,243 --> 00:34:08,263
>> [laughter]
784
00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:11,520
>> LIGHT A CANDLE. HON,
785
00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:14,480
WHERE ARE THE CANDLES?
786
00:34:14,480 --> 00:34:17,760
I KARAOKE VERSION OF THE ROSE.
787
00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:19,320
I THINK THEY'RE IN THE KITCHEN JUNK
788
00:34:19,320 --> 00:34:22,720
DRAWER. THE WHITE ONES.
789
00:34:22,720 --> 00:34:25,040
THEY'RE NOT THERE? DID WE USE THEM IN
790
00:34:25,040 --> 00:34:26,760
THE BLACKOUT?
791
00:34:26,760 --> 00:34:29,879
GIVE ME A SECOND CANDLE, ANYTHING. THE
792
00:34:29,879 --> 00:34:34,200
KARAOKE VERSION OF THE ROSE.
793
00:34:35,063 --> 00:34:37,083
>> [laughter]
794
00:34:39,520 --> 00:34:43,578
>> AND THEN FINALLY, "WHAT key is this?"
795
00:34:43,578 --> 00:34:45,598
>> [applause]
796
00:34:47,399 --> 00:34:48,818
>> Turn it off, Sam.
797
00:34:48,818 --> 00:34:50,838
>> [applause]
798
00:34:56,023 --> 00:34:58,044
[laughter]
799
00:34:58,720 --> 00:35:01,919
>> Those people are out there among us.
800
00:35:01,919 --> 00:35:03,939
>> [laughter]
801
00:35:05,359 --> 00:35:06,840
>> And I know some of you are like, "Well,
802
00:35:06,840 --> 00:35:08,359
they're hurting."
803
00:35:08,359 --> 00:35:10,520
And you're being sympathetic.
804
00:35:10,520 --> 00:35:13,054
[ __ ] you. You're part of the problem.
805
00:35:13,054 --> 00:35:15,074
>> [laughter]
806
00:35:21,569 --> 00:35:23,440
[laughter]
807
00:35:23,440 --> 00:35:25,160
>> So, I I moved out of the city to get
808
00:35:25,160 --> 00:35:26,760
away from people and I live in the
809
00:35:26,760 --> 00:35:28,800
country and I love it. I love to sit out
810
00:35:28,800 --> 00:35:30,000
at night.
811
00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:31,800
It's so wonderful and peaceful. I just
812
00:35:31,800 --> 00:35:34,000
sit on the porch and
813
00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:35,680
listen to the crickets screaming for
814
00:35:35,680 --> 00:35:36,634
[ __ ]
815
00:35:36,634 --> 00:35:38,654
>> [laughter]
816
00:35:43,839 --> 00:35:45,859
[laughter]
817
00:35:47,640 --> 00:35:50,359
>> That's a weird mating thing, right?
818
00:35:50,359 --> 00:35:52,760
To make the same sound over and over
819
00:35:52,760 --> 00:35:54,640
again.
820
00:35:54,640 --> 00:35:56,284
HEY!
821
00:35:56,284 --> 00:35:57,760
>> [laughter]
822
00:35:57,760 --> 00:35:59,880
>> HEY!
823
00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:02,720
HEY!
824
00:36:02,720 --> 00:36:04,840
HEY!
825
00:36:05,080 --> 00:36:07,200
HEY!
826
00:36:07,640 --> 00:36:09,760
HEY!
827
00:36:11,349 --> 00:36:13,000
>> [laughter]
828
00:36:13,000 --> 00:36:15,120
>> HEY!
829
00:36:17,244 --> 00:36:19,265
>> [laughter]
830
00:36:19,840 --> 00:36:21,560
>> THERE'S A SCARECROW IN MY TOWN, PROBABLY
831
00:36:21,560 --> 00:36:22,760
ONE OF THE GREATEST scarecrows I've ever
832
00:36:22,760 --> 00:36:24,450
seen in my life.
833
00:36:24,450 --> 00:36:25,320
>> [laughter]
834
00:36:25,320 --> 00:36:28,560
>> I stopped the car and looked at it.
835
00:36:28,560 --> 00:36:30,760
That was an amazing scarecrow.
836
00:36:30,760 --> 00:36:32,480
If that scarecrow came to life, it would
837
00:36:32,480 --> 00:36:35,585
start on second base, I thought.
838
00:36:35,585 --> 00:36:37,605
>> [laughter]
839
00:36:40,720 --> 00:36:43,600
>> And then they put a crow on its [ __ ]
840
00:36:43,600 --> 00:36:46,640
shoulder. What the That's guys, that's
841
00:36:46,640 --> 00:36:48,760
the thing.
842
00:36:48,760 --> 00:36:50,880
YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY NO.
843
00:36:50,880 --> 00:36:53,270
YOU DON'T PUT IT. GUYS,
844
00:36:53,270 --> 00:36:55,290
>> [laughter]
845
00:36:56,720 --> 00:36:59,165
>> I WAS FURIOUS. I was furious.
846
00:36:59,165 --> 00:36:59,560
>> [laughter]
847
00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:00,840
>> I knocked on their door. I was like,
848
00:37:00,840 --> 00:37:02,359
"What are YOU DOING? WHY DID YOU
849
00:37:02,359 --> 00:37:05,720
DESECRATE that immaculate scarecrow BY
850
00:37:05,720 --> 00:37:08,040
PUTTING A [ __ ] CROW ON ITS SHOULDER?"
851
00:37:08,040 --> 00:37:10,040
HE STARTS screaming at me. He's like, "I
852
00:37:10,040 --> 00:37:13,080
DON'T WANT YOU ON MY [ __ ] PROPERTY."
853
00:37:13,080 --> 00:37:15,400
AND HE HAD A tiny little me on his
854
00:37:15,400 --> 00:37:16,560
shoulder.
855
00:37:16,560 --> 00:37:17,505
He doesn't get it.
856
00:37:17,505 --> 00:37:18,160
>> [cheering]
857
00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:19,000
[applause]
858
00:37:19,000 --> 00:37:21,680
>> He doesn't get it.
859
00:37:23,000 --> 00:37:25,760
He doesn't get it.
860
00:37:28,640 --> 00:37:30,661
>> [laughter]
861
00:37:34,760 --> 00:37:37,000
>> Do you guys ever think about how Old
862
00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:40,480
MacDonald had a farm?
863
00:37:41,086 --> 00:37:43,106
>> [laughter]
864
00:37:45,480 --> 00:37:47,200
>> And we all sat around singing it
865
00:37:47,200 --> 00:37:49,200
happily, clapping along with our
866
00:37:49,200 --> 00:37:50,256
friends.
867
00:37:50,256 --> 00:37:51,720
>> [laughter]
868
00:37:51,720 --> 00:37:53,800
>> Just joyfully singing about this poor
869
00:37:53,800 --> 00:37:56,880
man's demise.
870
00:37:58,760 --> 00:38:00,840
What happened was he went pretty right
871
00:38:00,840 --> 00:38:01,391
wing.
872
00:38:01,391 --> 00:38:03,411
>> [laughter]
873
00:38:05,760 --> 00:38:08,596
>> He alienated his three boys.
874
00:38:08,596 --> 00:38:10,616
>> [laughter]
875
00:38:11,560 --> 00:38:14,240
>> They left the farm and and
876
00:38:14,240 --> 00:38:16,359
never spoke to him again and
877
00:38:16,359 --> 00:38:17,840
he ran the farm on his own for as many
878
00:38:17,840 --> 00:38:20,600
years as he could.
879
00:38:20,600 --> 00:38:22,720
One night he was up in the loft of the
880
00:38:22,720 --> 00:38:24,000
barn
881
00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:25,720
and he fell
882
00:38:25,720 --> 00:38:28,246
and he fell right on a pitchfork that
883
00:38:28,246 --> 00:38:30,000
>> [laughter]
884
00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:32,600
>> pierced his torso.
885
00:38:32,600 --> 00:38:34,920
He just laid there bleeding out, no one
886
00:38:34,920 --> 00:38:38,071
to call to because of his life choices.
887
00:38:38,071 --> 00:38:40,091
>> [laughter]
888
00:38:41,120 --> 00:38:43,600
>> The animals all saw him.
889
00:38:43,600 --> 00:38:47,120
There was a moo moo here.
890
00:38:47,241 --> 00:38:49,261
>> [laughter]
891
00:38:53,720 --> 00:38:56,240
>> There [laughter] was a moo moo there.
892
00:38:56,240 --> 00:39:00,000
There was a moo moo everywhere.
893
00:39:04,272 --> 00:39:05,000
>> [laughter]
894
00:39:05,000 --> 00:39:07,000
>> It's weird, I you only laugh when I look
895
00:39:07,000 --> 00:39:09,359
at you.
896
00:39:10,167 --> 00:39:10,822
>> [cheering]
897
00:39:10,822 --> 00:39:12,842
[laughter]
898
00:39:18,027 --> 00:39:20,047
[laughter]
899
00:39:23,267 --> 00:39:25,040
[cheering]
900
00:39:25,040 --> 00:39:26,200
>> Just kidding.
901
00:39:26,200 --> 00:39:27,600
Just kidding. It just happened in that
902
00:39:27,600 --> 00:39:28,507
moment.
903
00:39:28,507 --> 00:39:30,527
>> [laughter]
904
00:39:33,747 --> 00:39:35,767
[laughter]
905
00:39:35,960 --> 00:39:39,800
>> I've done this show a lot.
906
00:39:40,600 --> 00:39:42,640
I just I just did it in Edinburgh,
907
00:39:42,640 --> 00:39:47,320
Scotland for 27 nights IN A ROW.
908
00:39:47,502 --> 00:39:49,522
>> [applause]
909
00:39:50,080 --> 00:39:54,560
>> ONE NIGHT, THERE WAS TWO PEOPLE THERE.
910
00:39:54,707 --> 00:39:55,920
>> [laughter]
911
00:39:55,920 --> 00:39:58,480
>> I want you to imagine
912
00:39:58,480 --> 00:40:01,920
safari time
913
00:40:02,840 --> 00:40:05,560
for two people.
914
00:40:07,152 --> 00:40:09,172
>> [laughter]
915
00:40:09,240 --> 00:40:13,702
>> Two people are off. Who said that?
916
00:40:13,702 --> 00:40:14,357
>> [applause]
917
00:40:14,357 --> 00:40:16,377
[laughter]
918
00:40:19,400 --> 00:40:22,520
>> Oh my god, that was the worst and I
919
00:40:22,520 --> 00:40:24,320
lived through it. Like nothing will hurt
920
00:40:24,320 --> 00:40:26,148
me ever again.
921
00:40:26,148 --> 00:40:28,168
>> [cheering and laughter]
922
00:40:33,353 --> 00:40:35,373
[laughter]
923
00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:37,720
>> This is the last time I'll ever do this
924
00:40:37,720 --> 00:40:41,480
[ __ ] show and it feels good.
925
00:40:42,523 --> 00:40:43,833
>> [cheering]
926
00:40:43,833 --> 00:40:45,853
[applause]
927
00:40:50,680 --> 00:40:53,760
>> I hope if Jesus comes back
928
00:40:53,760 --> 00:40:56,080
he has a sense of humor about it. Like
929
00:40:56,080 --> 00:40:59,200
don't you Like imagine he comes He comes
930
00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:01,840
back in just a random suburb, right? And
931
00:41:01,840 --> 00:41:03,720
he just comes out from behind the couch
932
00:41:03,720 --> 00:41:05,960
and does that like I was in the
933
00:41:05,960 --> 00:41:06,758
basement.
934
00:41:06,758 --> 00:41:08,778
>> [laughter]
935
00:41:14,640 --> 00:41:16,480
>> And then someone's like vacuuming and
936
00:41:16,480 --> 00:41:18,080
they're like
937
00:41:18,080 --> 00:41:20,513
What are YOU DOING HERE?
938
00:41:20,513 --> 00:41:21,480
>> [cheering]
939
00:41:21,480 --> 00:41:22,720
>> COME BACK.
940
00:41:22,720 --> 00:41:24,680
COME BACK.
941
00:41:24,680 --> 00:41:26,680
COME BACK.
942
00:41:26,680 --> 00:41:28,360
COME BACK.
943
00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:30,338
COME BACK.
944
00:41:30,338 --> 00:41:30,920
>> [applause]
945
00:41:30,920 --> 00:41:33,160
>> COME BACK.
946
00:41:33,160 --> 00:41:35,360
COME BACK.
947
00:41:35,360 --> 00:41:37,880
COME BACK.
948
00:41:37,880 --> 00:41:40,040
COME BACK.
949
00:41:40,040 --> 00:41:42,480
COME BACK.
950
00:41:42,480 --> 00:41:44,400
COME BACK.
951
00:41:44,400 --> 00:41:46,880
COME BACK.
952
00:41:50,643 --> 00:41:52,663
>> [laughter]
953
00:41:55,320 --> 00:41:56,880
>> WHOEVER HIGH-FIVED ME, YOU'RE GOING TO
954
00:41:56,880 --> 00:41:59,120
BE AT HOME later and you'll be like
955
00:41:59,120 --> 00:42:01,124
What am I smelling like ketchup?
956
00:42:01,124 --> 00:42:03,144
>> [laughter]
957
00:42:06,364 --> 00:42:08,384
[laughter]
958
00:42:10,720 --> 00:42:12,240
>> I'm old though. I look around the house
959
00:42:12,240 --> 00:42:13,520
and I'm like why do I have some of this
960
00:42:13,520 --> 00:42:15,040
[ __ ]
961
00:42:15,040 --> 00:42:16,160
Is anyone else at that age where you
962
00:42:16,160 --> 00:42:17,160
just look around and go like I don't
963
00:42:17,160 --> 00:42:20,640
know what I have I have a stack of lined
964
00:42:20,640 --> 00:42:22,084
binder paper.
965
00:42:22,084 --> 00:42:24,104
>> [laughter]
966
00:42:25,920 --> 00:42:27,979
>> I don't I don't have a binder.
967
00:42:27,979 --> 00:42:29,200
>> [laughter]
968
00:42:29,200 --> 00:42:33,160
>> I'm never going TO GET THROUGH THAT.
969
00:42:35,560 --> 00:42:37,520
I just started writing the longest
970
00:42:37,520 --> 00:42:41,134
suicide note in the world. [laughter]
971
00:42:47,629 --> 00:42:49,594
>> [cheering]
972
00:42:49,594 --> 00:42:50,200
[applause]
973
00:42:50,200 --> 00:42:52,214
>> Um
974
00:42:52,214 --> 00:42:54,234
>> [cheering]
975
00:42:56,200 --> 00:42:58,120
>> Some comedians leave the guitar on
976
00:42:58,120 --> 00:42:59,520
stage, but I didn't want some of you
977
00:42:59,520 --> 00:43:03,200
walking in going oh [ __ ]
978
00:43:05,314 --> 00:43:07,334
>> [applause]
979
00:43:09,760 --> 00:43:10,920
>> I'm going to tell you a story about
980
00:43:10,920 --> 00:43:14,484
Xavier McCutchins. Yeah, that one.
981
00:43:14,484 --> 00:43:16,505
>> [laughter]
982
00:43:18,280 --> 00:43:20,380
>> Now we could argue all night
983
00:43:20,380 --> 00:43:20,960
>> [laughter]
984
00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:23,920
>> but I truly believe he was the greatest
985
00:43:23,920 --> 00:43:25,619
bear namer that ever lived.
986
00:43:25,619 --> 00:43:27,640
>> [laughter]
987
00:43:28,720 --> 00:43:31,760
>> Xavier McCutchins
988
00:43:31,760 --> 00:43:33,960
the greatest bear namer the world has
989
00:43:33,960 --> 00:43:36,840
ever seen.
990
00:43:38,160 --> 00:43:40,840
Xavier McCutchins
991
00:43:40,840 --> 00:43:42,720
naming [music and singing] bears since
992
00:43:42,720 --> 00:43:46,000
he was 14.
993
00:43:46,580 --> 00:43:46,920
>> [music]
994
00:43:46,920 --> 00:43:50,800
>> Xavier McCutchins
995
00:43:51,120 --> 00:43:52,475
Xavier my
996
00:43:52,475 --> 00:43:52,800
>> [singing]
997
00:43:52,800 --> 00:43:55,320
>> friend
998
00:43:55,440 --> 00:43:58,320
Xavier McCutchins
999
00:43:58,320 --> 00:43:59,800
naming [music] bears [singing]
1000
00:43:59,800 --> 00:44:00,880
until
1001
00:44:00,880 --> 00:44:03,240
the end.
1002
00:44:05,640 --> 00:44:07,800
Now Xavier at his first bear naming
1003
00:44:07,800 --> 00:44:09,960
meeting was a newbie.
1004
00:44:09,960 --> 00:44:10,520
Um
1005
00:44:10,520 --> 00:44:12,780
So the newbies would enter
1006
00:44:12,780 --> 00:44:13,200
>> [laughter]
1007
00:44:13,200 --> 00:44:15,600
>> uh the great bear naming hall on the
1008
00:44:15,600 --> 00:44:18,480
left side of the auditorium. They would
1009
00:44:18,480 --> 00:44:21,200
all come in single file and then uh the
1010
00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:24,120
trumpet would sound. Uh usually sit at
1011
00:44:24,120 --> 00:44:26,200
that time six
1012
00:44:26,200 --> 00:44:28,120
trumpet toots
1013
00:44:28,120 --> 00:44:29,155
uh
1014
00:44:29,155 --> 00:44:30,000
>> [laughter]
1015
00:44:30,000 --> 00:44:32,400
>> was honoring Richard It was honoring in
1016
00:44:32,400 --> 00:44:35,050
Richard Mullins up to that point
1017
00:44:35,050 --> 00:44:35,600
>> [laughter]
1018
00:44:35,600 --> 00:44:38,520
>> had named the most bears. But And there
1019
00:44:38,520 --> 00:44:40,240
was a Anyway, that doesn't matter. So
1020
00:44:40,240 --> 00:44:41,600
they come in.
1021
00:44:41,600 --> 00:44:43,620
>> [laughter]
1022
00:44:43,720 --> 00:44:45,280
>> They come in, hear the six toots and
1023
00:44:45,280 --> 00:44:47,200
then they sit down, right? And then the
1024
00:44:47,200 --> 00:44:49,960
elders would enter on the right side of
1025
00:44:49,960 --> 00:44:51,680
the great bear naming hall in their in
1026
00:44:51,680 --> 00:44:54,080
their caps and gowns, but I'm not
1027
00:44:54,080 --> 00:44:55,359
I'm not telling you anything you don't
1028
00:44:55,359 --> 00:44:58,120
know. They would come in
1029
00:44:58,120 --> 00:45:01,000
and sit down and then they would wheel
1030
00:45:01,000 --> 00:45:02,561
in the bear
1031
00:45:02,561 --> 00:45:03,080
>> [laughter]
1032
00:45:03,080 --> 00:45:06,320
>> that they were going to name that day.
1033
00:45:06,320 --> 00:45:08,840
On this day they were naming a big white
1034
00:45:08,840 --> 00:45:11,440
bear, right? So the elders would start
1035
00:45:11,440 --> 00:45:13,080
yelling out names that they should think
1036
00:45:13,080 --> 00:45:14,120
it should be named, right? SO THEY'D BE
1037
00:45:14,120 --> 00:45:16,640
LIKE I THINK IT SHOULD BE CALLED AN ICY
1038
00:45:16,640 --> 00:45:19,320
BEAR. WELL, I THINK IT SHOULD BE CALLED
1039
00:45:19,320 --> 00:45:21,800
A SNOW BEAR.
1040
00:45:21,800 --> 00:45:24,176
OH, PETER.
1041
00:45:24,176 --> 00:45:26,196
>> [laughter]
1042
00:45:29,416 --> 00:45:31,436
[laughter]
1043
00:45:34,160 --> 00:45:37,560
>> AND XAVIER WHO WASN'T supposed to speak
1044
00:45:37,560 --> 00:45:38,800
raised his [music] hand and asked a
1045
00:45:38,800 --> 00:45:40,480
question that had never been asked in
1046
00:45:40,480 --> 00:45:44,320
the great bear naming hall.
1047
00:45:44,680 --> 00:45:47,101
Where did you find that bear?
1048
00:45:47,101 --> 00:45:48,080
>> [laughter]
1049
00:45:48,080 --> 00:45:52,000
>> And the elders were perplexed.
1050
00:45:54,306 --> 00:45:54,400
>> [laughter]
1051
00:45:54,400 --> 00:45:56,120
>> WHO IS IT?
1052
00:45:56,120 --> 00:45:57,920
WHO IS IT?
1053
00:45:57,920 --> 00:46:00,201
OH, PETER.
1054
00:46:00,201 --> 00:46:02,221
>> [laughter]
1055
00:46:05,441 --> 00:46:07,461
[laughter]
1056
00:46:12,160 --> 00:46:14,920
>> OF WHAT CONCERN IS THAT TO YOU, GOOD
1057
00:46:14,920 --> 00:46:17,600
SIR?
1058
00:46:21,161 --> 00:46:21,840
>> [laughter]
1059
00:46:21,840 --> 00:46:25,600
>> WE FOUND IT IN THE NORTH POLE.
1060
00:46:25,600 --> 00:46:28,240
AND I THINK you should call it a polar
1061
00:46:28,240 --> 00:46:30,040
bear.
1062
00:46:30,040 --> 00:46:33,760
Xavier McCutchins
1063
00:46:34,800 --> 00:46:35,572
Xavier my
1064
00:46:35,572 --> 00:46:36,359
>> [singing and music]
1065
00:46:36,359 --> 00:46:38,880
>> friend
1066
00:46:39,280 --> 00:46:43,240
Xavier McCutchins naming [singing] bears
1067
00:46:43,240 --> 00:46:44,560
until [music]
1068
00:46:44,560 --> 00:46:46,720
the end.
1069
00:46:48,000 --> 00:46:51,320
Now the years went by
1070
00:46:51,520 --> 00:46:53,600
and Xavier became more adept at naming
1071
00:46:53,600 --> 00:46:55,240
bears.
1072
00:46:55,240 --> 00:46:56,760
So he got to cross from the newbie
1073
00:46:56,760 --> 00:46:58,760
section. He would walk across and then
1074
00:46:58,760 --> 00:47:00,160
in the middle they would put a pickle in
1075
00:47:00,160 --> 00:47:01,280
his pocket and then he would [laughter]
1076
00:47:01,280 --> 00:47:04,000
head over.
1077
00:47:07,000 --> 00:47:08,977
Isn't he that up?
1078
00:47:08,977 --> 00:47:09,280
>> [laughter]
1079
00:47:09,280 --> 00:47:10,359
>> Isn't he I just made that up. I never
1080
00:47:10,359 --> 00:47:12,560
did that before.
1081
00:47:12,560 --> 00:47:14,960
Isn't he that
1082
00:47:16,182 --> 00:47:18,202
>> [laughter]
1083
00:47:19,240 --> 00:47:21,960
>> Oh hey Mitch.
1084
00:47:24,697 --> 00:47:25,120
>> [laughter]
1085
00:47:25,120 --> 00:47:27,359
>> What?
1086
00:47:27,440 --> 00:47:29,960
Because of the pickle thing?
1087
00:47:29,960 --> 00:47:32,760
Level two?
1088
00:47:33,212 --> 00:47:35,177
>> [cheering]
1089
00:47:35,177 --> 00:47:37,197
[applause]
1090
00:47:40,417 --> 00:47:42,040
[applause]
1091
00:47:42,040 --> 00:47:44,640
>> Thank you. Thank you so much.
1092
00:47:44,640 --> 00:47:46,968
What? This is your one phone call.
1093
00:47:46,968 --> 00:47:48,988
>> [laughter]
1094
00:47:54,828 --> 00:47:56,848
[laughter]
1095
00:47:58,320 --> 00:48:00,068
>> On this day they were naming a big brown
1096
00:48:00,068 --> 00:48:01,560
[music] bear.
1097
00:48:01,560 --> 00:48:05,040
It had just murdered some children.
1098
00:48:05,040 --> 00:48:08,160
Xavier was like grizzly.
1099
00:48:08,160 --> 00:48:09,560
Xavier
1100
00:48:09,560 --> 00:48:11,840
McCutchins
1101
00:48:12,560 --> 00:48:16,000
Xavier my friend
1102
00:48:16,760 --> 00:48:19,320
Xavier McCutchins
1103
00:48:19,320 --> 00:48:21,600
naming bears [singing] until
1104
00:48:21,600 --> 00:48:24,000
the end.
1105
00:48:25,200 --> 00:48:26,840
Now the bear naming money went right to
1106
00:48:26,840 --> 00:48:28,888
Xavier's head.
1107
00:48:28,888 --> 00:48:30,908
>> [laughter]
1108
00:48:31,040 --> 00:48:35,359
>> He just He got messed up, guys. He
1109
00:48:35,359 --> 00:48:39,368
He started doing coke and molly.
1110
00:48:39,368 --> 00:48:40,560
>> [laughter]
1111
00:48:40,560 --> 00:48:42,560
>> He was getting his dick sucked behind
1112
00:48:42,560 --> 00:48:43,953
the great bear naming hall.
1113
00:48:43,953 --> 00:48:45,973
>> [laughter]
1114
00:48:47,840 --> 00:48:50,503
>> And he was sucking dick.
1115
00:48:50,503 --> 00:48:52,523
>> [laughter]
1116
00:48:54,280 --> 00:48:57,000
>> He just showed up to work a mess. He was
1117
00:48:57,000 --> 00:49:00,520
just like black, brown.
1118
00:49:00,520 --> 00:49:02,840
Xavier
1119
00:49:06,879 --> 00:49:08,899
>> [applause]
1120
00:49:09,600 --> 00:49:12,120
>> Xavier McCutchins
1121
00:49:12,120 --> 00:49:13,440
naming bears
1122
00:49:13,440 --> 00:49:14,600
until
1123
00:49:14,600 --> 00:49:16,760
the end.
1124
00:49:17,359 --> 00:49:19,379
>> [laughter]
1125
00:49:27,520 --> 00:49:30,200
>> Xavier eventually retired. That's what
1126
00:49:30,200 --> 00:49:32,080
happens, you know, once the pickle rots
1127
00:49:32,080 --> 00:49:33,734
they have to go.
1128
00:49:33,734 --> 00:49:35,754
>> [laughter]
1129
00:49:37,080 --> 00:49:39,200
>> He felt he He felt he to give. He felt
1130
00:49:39,200 --> 00:49:41,080
there was still one name out there that
1131
00:49:41,080 --> 00:49:43,040
he just
1132
00:49:43,040 --> 00:49:45,360
He spent most of his days fishing.
1133
00:49:45,360 --> 00:49:47,000
Which just angered him more because the
1134
00:49:47,000 --> 00:49:50,920
fish namers [music] were brilliant.
1135
00:49:52,074 --> 00:49:54,094
>> [laughter]
1136
00:49:54,694 --> 00:49:55,600
[clears throat]
1137
00:49:55,600 --> 00:49:58,400
>> SALMON?
1138
00:49:58,624 --> 00:50:00,644
>> [laughter]
1139
00:50:09,104 --> 00:50:11,124
[laughter]
1140
00:50:18,274 --> 00:50:20,294
[laughter]
1141
00:50:20,520 --> 00:50:23,520
>> TROUT?
1142
00:50:28,200 --> 00:50:30,640
XAVIER McCutchins
1143
00:50:30,640 --> 00:50:32,960
name remains [music]
1144
00:50:32,960 --> 00:50:35,520
until the end.
1145
00:50:37,080 --> 00:50:39,440
Now, Xavier
1146
00:50:39,440 --> 00:50:42,480
was on his deathbed.
1147
00:50:42,480 --> 00:50:45,560
And his wife was by his side.
1148
00:50:45,560 --> 00:50:47,680
She could see in his eyes he had
1149
00:50:47,680 --> 00:50:51,160
something he wanted to say.
1150
00:50:51,160 --> 00:50:53,645
What is it, Xavier?
1151
00:50:53,645 --> 00:50:55,000
>> [laughter]
1152
00:50:55,000 --> 00:50:57,120
>> I just don't I don't do impressions. So,
1153
00:50:57,120 --> 00:50:59,280
like
1154
00:50:59,280 --> 00:51:00,640
I don't want you to be like, "That's not
1155
00:51:00,640 --> 00:51:02,160
Xavier McCutchins."
1156
00:51:02,160 --> 00:51:04,180
>> [laughter]
1157
00:51:08,710 --> 00:51:10,730
[laughter]
1158
00:51:13,680 --> 00:51:15,280
>> What is it?
1159
00:51:15,280 --> 00:51:17,225
What is it, Xavier?
1160
00:51:17,225 --> 00:51:19,245
>> [laughter]
1161
00:51:23,775 --> 00:51:23,840
[music]
1162
00:51:23,840 --> 00:51:27,040
>> And with his last breath
1163
00:51:27,040 --> 00:51:30,560
an artist till the end.
1164
00:51:37,530 --> 00:51:39,550
>> [laughter]
1165
00:51:42,115 --> 00:51:44,135
[laughter]
1166
00:51:49,320 --> 00:51:51,995
>> Guwallah. [screaming]
1167
00:51:53,000 --> 00:51:53,905
Xavier
1168
00:51:53,905 --> 00:51:54,320
>> [music]
1169
00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:56,680
>> McCutchins
1170
00:51:57,320 --> 00:51:59,200
Xavier, my
1171
00:51:59,200 --> 00:51:59,800
friend.
1172
00:51:59,800 --> 00:52:01,760
>> [music]
1173
00:52:01,760 --> 00:52:06,350
>> Xavier McCutchins name [singing] remains
1174
00:52:06,350 --> 00:52:06,680
>> [music]
1175
00:52:06,680 --> 00:52:07,320
>> until the end. Do you guys know the
1176
00:52:07,320 --> 00:52:09,360
words?
1177
00:52:09,880 --> 00:52:10,936
Xavier
1178
00:52:10,936 --> 00:52:11,000
>> [music]
1179
00:52:11,000 --> 00:52:13,560
>> McCutchins
1180
00:52:13,840 --> 00:52:15,440
Xavier, my
1181
00:52:15,440 --> 00:52:17,560
friend.
1182
00:52:17,960 --> 00:52:20,360
Xavier [music] McCutchins
1183
00:52:20,360 --> 00:52:22,120
name [singing] remains
1184
00:52:22,120 --> 00:52:23,160
until
1185
00:52:23,160 --> 00:52:25,520
the end.
1186
00:52:26,000 --> 00:52:26,656
Xavier
1187
00:52:26,656 --> 00:52:27,600
>> [music]
1188
00:52:27,600 --> 00:52:30,080
>> McCutchins Xavier
1189
00:52:30,080 --> 00:52:31,360
Xavier,
1190
00:52:31,360 --> 00:52:33,880
my friend. HE WAS MY FRIEND.
1191
00:52:33,880 --> 00:52:34,516
XAVIER
1192
00:52:34,516 --> 00:52:35,400
>> [music]
1193
00:52:35,400 --> 00:52:35,826
>> MCCUTCHINS
1194
00:52:35,826 --> 00:52:36,800
>> [singing]
1195
00:52:36,800 --> 00:52:39,101
>> name remains
1196
00:52:39,101 --> 00:52:39,720
>> [music]
1197
00:52:39,720 --> 00:52:42,160
>> until the end.
1198
00:52:49,581 --> 00:52:51,601
>> [cheering]
1199
00:52:52,856 --> 00:52:54,821
[applause]
1200
00:52:54,821 --> 00:52:56,841
[cheering]
1201
00:53:04,646 --> 00:53:06,666
[applause and music]
1202
00:53:07,520 --> 00:53:08,840
>> Yeah.
1203
00:53:08,840 --> 00:53:09,960
No.
1204
00:53:09,960 --> 00:53:11,840
No.
1205
00:53:11,840 --> 00:53:13,120
No.
1206
00:53:13,120 --> 00:53:16,840
We're not doing that show.
1207
00:53:19,680 --> 00:53:20,960
Cuz I'm going to tell you the story
1208
00:53:20,960 --> 00:53:24,280
about Xavier McCutchins. Yeah.
1209
00:53:24,280 --> 00:53:25,960
You can't do that if you've heard the
1210
00:53:25,960 --> 00:53:28,226
joke before, YOU DUMB [ __ ]
1211
00:53:28,226 --> 00:53:30,246
>> [laughter]
1212
00:53:33,466 --> 00:53:35,486
[music]
1213
00:53:36,920 --> 00:53:38,760
>> JUST TURN THIS CROWD MIC OFF. Just turn
1214
00:53:38,760 --> 00:53:40,016
this crowd mic off.
1215
00:53:40,016 --> 00:53:42,036
>> [laughter]
1216
00:53:42,520 --> 00:53:45,257
>> Oh, it's not picking up anything anyway?
1217
00:53:45,257 --> 00:53:47,277
>> [laughter]
1218
00:53:52,000 --> 00:53:53,320
>> Is there a
1219
00:53:53,320 --> 00:53:54,960
a button we can push that sort of
1220
00:53:54,960 --> 00:53:58,640
rotates the crowd so that
1221
00:53:59,080 --> 00:54:01,160
these people in the back can come out
1222
00:54:01,160 --> 00:54:03,359
front?
1223
00:54:04,907 --> 00:54:06,927
>> [music]
1224
00:54:09,640 --> 00:54:12,560
>> It's not real. YOU'RE DOING GREAT.
1225
00:54:12,560 --> 00:54:14,600
None of this is real. You're a great
1226
00:54:14,600 --> 00:54:15,640
crowd.
1227
00:54:15,640 --> 00:54:17,720
I'm just playing A GUY UP THERE. BUT
1228
00:54:17,720 --> 00:54:21,600
REALLY, you shouldn't sit in the front.
1229
00:54:22,592 --> 00:54:24,612
>> [music]
1230
00:54:28,359 --> 00:54:29,797
>> The show's almost over.
1231
00:54:29,797 --> 00:54:31,240
>> [laughter]
1232
00:54:31,240 --> 00:54:34,160
>> That's the thing.
1233
00:54:34,400 --> 00:54:36,160
I think some of you will be driving home
1234
00:54:36,160 --> 00:54:38,312
and go, "Oh, that was fun."
1235
00:54:38,312 --> 00:54:40,332
>> [laughter]
1236
00:54:42,897 --> 00:54:44,917
[music]
1237
00:54:48,840 --> 00:54:51,680
>> Savari time.73656
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof