All language subtitles for arrested.development.s03e03.internal.bdrip.x264-archivist

Now the story of a wealthy family
who lost everything...

and the one son who had no choice...

but to keep them all together.

It's Arrested Development.

Michael Bluth and his family were
meeting with their new attorney.

Look, this is not the first time I've been
brought in to replace Barry Zuckerkorn.

I think I can do for you
everything he did...

plus skew younger...
with juries and so forth.

Any other questions?

Yes. How can you be even cuter in person
than you are in your ads?

Are you a CEO, CFO or other executive...

facing these or similar charges?

Why should you go to jail for
a crime someone else... noticed?

You don't need double-talk.
You need Bob Loblaw.

Bob Loblaw no habla espanol.

Well, we're not here to talk
nonsense to Bob Loblaw.

We need to find out if the government
has a good case against us.

I mean, there is a lot of proof that
my father was building houses in Iraq.

Well, your father claims he was
put up to it by a British syndicate.

- And you've been threatened. Isn't that correct?
- It was.

How would you like someone going after
some stupid person in your family?

Now, back off, you!@%$# ponce!

It's been a week.
Nothing's happened.

Yeah, but you're not the one stuck
under house arrest like a sitting duck.

Oh, yeah. That's my father.

That's why we had the meeting
here... so he couldn't interfere.

Interfere? I oughta pull down
your pants and spank your ass raw.

I'm sorry.
Have we met?

Oh, yes. This is Larry Middleman.
He's your father's surrogate.

- Surrogate?
- That's right, you dumb!@%$.

I hired this guy to wear
a camera in his hat...

so he could be my eyes and ears
while I'm stuck in this penthouse.

This camera helps me
keep tabs on you idiots...

while this thing rubs my ankle raw.

- I mean, look at this thing.
- I can't even go in the hallway...

- Without hearing that...
- Beep, beep, beep.

That's one of my partners.
Excuse me.

Uh, I would like to be
one of your partners.

Do you think he got that?
The two meanings?

He's running pretty fast.
I think he did.

Well, he was flirting earlier.
I'll tell you that.

Just so you know,
I'm looking to get divorced.

- Are you interested?
- Yes.

Let's call that a half hour.

- So you're not the only one who's got a date later.
- You've got a date?

Her name's Rita. She teaches children at
a private school, and we're just having lunch.

Oh, lunch. Well, you better
bring some dog food.

All the girls you date are dogs.
Dogs love dog food, right, Pop?

Shut up, you idiot.
I'm trying to watch the game.

Just trying
to make you laugh, Dad.

- It's all I ever wanted.
- Smith the catcher...

You know, Gob, she's not a dog.
It's just the opposite actually.

She's exquisitely beautiful. She's fun,
carefree, smart, full of surprises.

Including the fact that
she was working with this man...

who was currently
dropping her off for her date.

Now all this fun and carefree act
is only gonna fool him for so long.

- I'm a big girl.
- Yeah. Well, if he finds out what you really are...

he might not make things
so simple for you.

Rita, don't forget your hat.

- Who am I kidding? She's too good for me.
- How do you think I feel?

Bob Loblaw's a handsome,
professional man...

and I'm only used to...
well, none of those things.

Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting
that I was a professional twice over?

An analyst and a therapist.
The world's first "analrapist."

Yes, and you were almost arrested
for those business cards.

Yes. No, it did not look good on paper, but
I didn't stop because of the police inquiries.

I stopped to raise our little daughter.

But since we both have started
to grow hair in unexpected places...

I suppose I shall soon
be working as a leading man...

and she may soon start dating.

Maeby had already started dating.

Another date with, uh, Steve Holt?

Yeah. We're gettin' pretty serious.

They weren't. She was just avoiding her
real crush on George Michael.

That Steve sure knows
how to please a lady.

Good. I was hoping
he would be gifted sexually.

I guess it makes sense. You know,
uh, older guys expect certain things.

- They do?
- What a fun, sexy time for you.

I'd be very careful
of these British people.

They're gonna try to get their hands
on any evidence they can to hurt the family.

So you're saying shred the evidence?

No, that's illegal. The prosecution
is entitled to that evidence.

- Without it, they don't have a case.
- So shred the evidence?

That's a felony. And I certainly couldn't
endorse anything like that.

Got ya. Wink.

Wink. Did you say wink?

- Or did you wink?
- He said that too, Dad.

We'll talk soon, folks. Thank you.

Where are you going?
Where is the surrogate going?

Stay there. I want to see what
he's gonna say. Don't leave.

See ya, Pop.

You know, Gob, instead of trying
to impress your fake father...

maybe you should spend
some time with your real son.

- Steve Holt's not my son.
- Steve Holt? The moron jock?

That's my son, you pothead.

- Hey, that's my son!
- Wait. So that means that Steve Holt is my cousin?

- And Maeby's cousin too.
- I guess. Shoot, I'm late for my date.

Yeah. At the kennel!

You lobbed that one right over
the plate, Michael. Home run.

And Michael hurried to the British
section of Orange County for his date.

Crazy American!
Get out of the road!

Only to find that Rita had chosen Wee
Britain's one American-themed restaurant.

Oh, hello.
I'm sorry I'm late.

Oh, no bother. I've been having
such fun on this spaceship.

Strike one, huh?
Shall we go ahead and sit down?

Hey, dudes, I'll get you
a couple of 64-ounce colas...

to wash down
this basket of doughnuts...

I guess this is what
the British think of Americans.

- We like our food.
- Whatever do you mean?

Yeah.

Uh, you know, uh, Rita,
you're gonna figure this out eventually...

but I have not been on a date
in a long, long time.

- Neither have I.
- I wonder why.

I'll bet men
ask you out constantly.

Not men like you. I seem
to only meet little boys.

Part of that might be that
you spend your day at a preschool.

And they think the stupidest things are funny.

Yeah, that's a cultural problem
is what it is, you know.

Your average American male
is in a perpetual state of adolescence...

you know,
arrested development.

Hey, that's the name of the show!

No attention span. You know,
can't even carry on a typical conver...

Michael thought he spotted the man
who'd threatened him earlier.

Well, I'm gettin' back
on the space shuttle.

No, no, no. Sorry. Sorry.
Sit, please.

Let's talk about you.
Tell me about your family.

Well, they're pushy, bossy,
want to control me.

What about your family?
I'd love to meet your family.

Michael knew from experience...

that this would not turn out well.

Once or twice a week,
we get a...

Have a little more.

If you like the small, why don't
you come back for the medium?

Right? You can see that, right?

I probably should
warn you about my mother.

- Hi.
- Let's start behind the fridge.

So he came up with
a solution so simple...

he wondered why he'd
never told anyone it before.

I don't have a family.

I can't believe I've never
told anybody that before.

That's so sad.

Yes, sad. Super sad.
Shall we eat?

Michael had started a relationship...

by lying about the existence
of his family.

I think this went
really well, huh?

- Maybe sometime we can have dinner?
- Could I see your house?

Michael was caught
off-guard by the question.

No. No. I... I can't do that.

- Okay, bye-bye.
- Uh, bye.

And he vowed not to be
caught off-guard again.

I didn't mean that we...

So did he invite you over, then?

Not yet, but he will.

So Michael went back to work.

Hey, who brought in the wood...

Gob, you can't shred this evidence.
You'll end up in jail.

Dad told me to.
How can I say no to that face?

Get this stuff out of here and put it
somewhere where Dad can't get to it.

- Are you in on this too?
- No, I'm just here to go out
to lunch with your father.

And he said he's never
felt more free in his life.

- I'm like a bird up there.
- Did you tell him about my medal?

- Medal? What for?
- Oh, who knows what they were saying.

- Do you agree? Say thank you.
- Thank you. Wow.

- I have so many people to thank.
- Private Asher, step forward!

It's probably because
a seal bit off his hand.

The army has taken to giving
medals for being food.

- Just then...
- Look at him go tied to that deck chair!

It's so simple.
My ankle monitor...

only goes off when
I go out the front door.

We need balloons.
A party!

- We need to throw a party for...
- Buster's stupid thing.

Larry, go get some balloons.

And Michael found a way
to get Rita to his house after all.

That's a great idea.
Honor Buster tomorrow night.

We'll get the whole family over to
the penthouse, show him our support.

Well, I suppose it's better
than drinking alone. What time?

Doesn't matter to me. I can't be there.
I've got a date with Rita.

Well, Mom's probably right.
I couldn't stand up to a seal.

I don't really deserve
a medal or a party.

No, you deserve this.
Here, take my business card.

No, no. It's pronounced "a-nalra-pist."

It wasn't really the pronunciation
that bothered me.

You see, Buster, it wasn't the seal
that you couldn't stand up to.

It was Lucille.

Oh, I'm getting chills.

If this was a Lifetime
moment of truth movie...

this would be our act break.

But it wasn't.

And later, Lindsay was
on the phone with Bob Loblaw.

I love Tobias, but he's
never fulfilled me sexually.

Can you catalog
for me the various ways...

you'd been promised to be fulfilled...

whether or not said promise
was made explicit?

- You want me to be explicit?
- Yes.

But I will be needing
to get off in four minutes.

Well, let's see if I can't
hit that target for you.

The next day,
on the way to pick up Rita...

Michael stopped by his house to make sure
there were no signs of his family...

only to discover there was nothing but.

- What the hell is all this?
- Gob brought all this stuff in.

And, Mom, what is with
all the family photos?

Oh, I'm teaching Buster
to stand up for himself.

- I'm surrogating your mother.
- By wearing her sealskin coat?

Michael, I have tried on everything,
and nothing seems to be working.

I thought the Donna Karan worked.
You just didn't have the right shoes.

Look, I've gotta get rid of any evidence
of my family, including you guys.

Get outta here!

See? Now, that's how
you stand up to Mother.

Meanwhile, worried about Steve Holt's...

sexual expectations,
Maeby tried to cancel her date.

My whole family and I now have
to go to my grandma's house...

- because my uncle lost his hand.
- Awesome!

So you and I can party
alone at your house.

Maeby was too young
to know what to do.

Ironically, in her after-school job
as a movie studio executive...

she�d just green-lit two films
that dealt with the very issue.

- Rock the house.
- All right.

George Michael also
didn't know what to do.

If he pointed out that the two
were cousins to drive them apart...

he might be burning the very bridge
that he one day hoped to cross.

- I'm doing your cousin tonight.
- So are you.

- What?
- She's your cousin too.

Back at the penthouse,
party preparations were under way.

He's not wearing that to the party.
I've got the exact same thing.

No, he was just "analraping" me.
Then Michael barged in...

and kicked us out so he
could shred all the evidence.

- Shred the evidence?
- I thought he didn't want us to do that.

He didn't want us to get into trouble.
He's taking the heat.

He's doing that for us?
And on the night of his date with Rita.

Who he didn't want to bring over here.
Probably because...

let's face it... you people haven't been
great with the others.

Well, in our defense, Mom,
we're not exactly dog people.

- We've got to start being nicer.
- I'm starting right now.

- Buster, the party's not for you anymore.
- Oh, okay.

It's a "welcome Rita" party.

I know where she works.
We can pick her up and surprise her.

You're so right.
This is better than a party for me.

Oh, come on. Grow a pair.

You know, we need some weather balloons
for this party, and maybe a tank of hydrogen.

You know, really float those suckers.

Meanwhile, Michael was hiding the evidence...

wherever he could
when he heard from his brother.

Hey, friend. Gob here.
We really want you at the party.

We're really nice now.
And, God, we love you.

Damn it.

And the family picked up
Rita in the only vehicle...

- big enough to hold them all.
- Hey, hey. Excuse me. Rita?

- I'm Rita.
- We're here to pick you up for Michael.

Uh, you can just go in the cabin.

- Michael?
- Oh, he's not here.

- We're his family.
- Oh, his family.

- We're nice.
- I'm sorry. I have to leave.

Oh, no, you cannot leave.
Drive, Lindsay!

- Bye!
- We're doing this for Michael.

- Stop her, Buster.
- What am I supposed to do?

- Stop her! - Stop yelling at me!
- I'm leaving!

And that's when Buster
noticed the seal on Rita's backpack.

Hey, talk about cathartic.
Now, that's an act break.

Buster had overcome his fear of seals.

Unfortunately, he'd done so by
knocking out Michael's new girlfriend.

- What the hell did you do?
- You curious, Mom?

- I can show you.
- Uh, you made a mistake.

You're human.
Except for the hand.

It's okay. She's alive.
And soft. Soft and alive.

All right, let's not add that
to the charges. What'll we do?

She's gonna tell Michael.
And he won't hear the good stuff.

He'll just hear about the beating.

Wait. Maybe we can give her
a "forget-me-now." Here you go, hot dog.

- Take the pill.
- What's a forget-me-now?

They're pills that create
a sort of temporary "forgettiness."

If somebody finds out how you do a trick, you
give them one, and they forget the whole thing.

- Oh.
- It's a mainstay of the magician's tool kit.

Like how clowns always have
a rag soaked in ether.

Gob, this is flunitrazepam.
It's a roofie.

- Those are illegal!
- Shut up, Mom.

Don't make me give you
another one of these.

Lindsay, help me! Three!

Back at the house,
Michael finished his work...

and, now late,
rushed to pick up Rita.

Moments later, Maeby prepared to tell
Steve she wasn't ready for romance.

Well, this sends a mixed message.

Just as Steve showed up
to call things off with his cousin.

- You did all this for me?
- Yes.

Well, I'm gonna go get sexy.

And Michael missed Rita.

Damn it. Strike two.

Take it down. We don't want
anything that says Rita.

Hi. It's Michael.
I will be coming to the party...

because I love you too.

Okay. We need a new banner.

And that's when Michael found Rita.

Rita.

- Why am I on a bus bench, Michael?
- I get it.

I'm sorry. But the rest of the night's
gonna be all about you, I promise.

Great. Great.

I am gonna have to make one quick stop,
maybe you'd just wait in the car.

It's just gonna be
two seconds, I promise.

And so Michael raced up to pay
his quick respects to Buster.

Ah, there he is...
my favorite son.

- Everybody's favorite son!
- Mr. Wonderful!

Well, I had a great time.
I wish I could've stayed longer.

This is a great party, huh?
Tell Buster I stopped by, please.

- I do have to leave.
- Oh, no, no, no.

The party is not for Buster anymore.

- No, Michael. It's for you.
- Me.

Take a look at banner, Michael!

You guys did all of this for me?
"Family love"...

- Michael?
- Everyone froze.

Michael feared he'd been caught
in a lie about his family.

His family feared
they'd been caught...

by a woman they clubbed,
drugged and left on a bench.

It was awkward.

- Who's this?
- Mother! Mother!

This is from the army.
I have to report for duty tomorrow!

It says by accepting this
medal, I was reenlisting.

I didn't hear them say that.

Perhaps if the sergeant had
spoken more slowly, she would have.

In acceptance of this medal, you proudly waive
all rights to private citizenship...

and hereby reenlist in the armed services
of the United States.

If you agree with this,
say thank you.

Thank you.

What am I gonna do?
I can't go back there. I've never been!

- Who are these people?
- This is my family.

No. No.
I don't like these people.

Me. You mean... She means me.
Because I lied...

about having a family, because
I was embarrassed by them.

And I'm ashamed of that.

I have to leave.

Strike three.

You said you didn't have a family?

- Everybody's favorite son.
- Mr. Terrible.

And her?
Too good for us? Huh.

Buster, you should've
finished the job.

- Job? What job?
- Did I say job? I meant Gob.

Buster's the one that hit her.
I just gave her the roofie.

- Roofie?
- Forget-me-now.

You beat and drugged Rita?

- Take this and love us again.
- No, no, no!

- Just take it!
- No, Gob!

Um, I'm leaving too.

Well, no good deed
goes unpunished.

Oh, look, it's not all bad.

I got Buster feeling
better about his... medal.

Not anymore.
I'm getting rid of this thing.

It has caused me nothing
but pride and self-respect!

Buster went to get rid of the medal...

he finally felt he deserved...

but it was exactly when George Sr.
was making his escape.

Farewell to you all!

But it turns out that hydrogen
is more explosive than helium.

And George Michael came home
to find an unconscious Steve Holt.

- What have you guys been doing?
- I gave him a roofie.

A girl's gotta grow up sometime.

- He's your cousin!
- My cousin?

I should have told you that. Now you've
drugged him and had your way with him.

- How is that even possible?
- No, George Michael. We didn't do anything.

I just wanted him to think
we did. Don't you see?

I drugged him not to go
all the way with him.

Well, I think even the antidrug people
are gonna be okay with that.

- Well, let's get his pants back on.
- You took his pants off?

And Michael tried to salvage...

the remains of the files
from the car fire.

- You call the attorney?
- Yeah, but he's not taking our calls...

because apparently
the retainer is all used up.

He took my call.
He's very good.

Yeah, that's how the retainer
got eaten up, okay?

The secretary took it all
down here on a transcript.

Ugh. She's very good too.

- I'm not paying for this.
- Well, what am I supposed to do?

I don't know, Lindsay. Thing you say on page
seven looks like it could be worth some money.

- Speaking to me yet?
- It's only been an hour.

Here's what I don't understand. What were
you guys doing with Rita in the first place?

We just wanted to do
something nice for you, Michael...

'cause you do so much for us.

I guess we screwed it up.

No, I screwed it up, 'cause
I was trying to impress her.

Let's face it.
She's probably too good for me.

No. What you need to do
is go to her and ask for another chance.

She'd be lucky
to have you, Michael.

Thanks, Gob.
Sometimes you do surprise me.

I've got one more surprise for you.

It ain't easy being wh...

And Michael did try again with Rita...

but this time determined
to keep no secrets.

I wanna tell you everything,
if... if you're willing to listen.

I'm a very good listener.

Great. We'll start
with the misdemeanors...

and then we're gonna push
right on through to the lighter treasons.

So, 1983...

For British eyes only...

On the next Arrested Development.

Lindsay tries to work off
her debt with Bob Loblaw.

I'm willing to debase myself.

Get a maid's uniform
and come by my house around 7:00.

No way to misinterpret that.

Except the one.

And a traumatized Steve Holt
needs a father.

I've made a huge mistake.

I know the feeling.
I had you.

I'm your father, Steve Holt.

I can't hide from it anymore.

I won't forget this, Dad.

I will.

I will.