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1
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,641
What do I think love is?
2
00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:27,807
Uh, it's like when someone makes
your stomach feel all tight...
3
00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:30,611
but floaty at the same time, you know?
4
00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:34,610
And your cheeks hurt from smiling.
5
00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:36,569
You smile so much...
6
00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:38,802
that people think somethings
wrong with you.
7
00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:40,405
Love is light.
8
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:44,688
Acceptance.
9
00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:48,570
Fire.
10
00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:50,165
Pain.
11
00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:52,805
Horrible pain.
12
00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:56,124
That you want again and again.
13
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,089
And also fucking.
14
00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:02,370
24-7, deep-dick, can't-walk-right fucking.
15
00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:05,250
Oh, you know me.
16
00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:08,767
I got so much to say about love.
17
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,641
And one year, this Wall Street guy...
18
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,007
flew me in a helicopter to DC.
19
00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:18,605
For serious?
20
00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:21,923
Valentine's Day makes guys go crazy.
They love it.
21
00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:23,889
Men hate Valentine's Day.
22
00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:26,405
They don't act like they hate it.
23
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:28,562
That's because you look
like Sofía Vergara.
24
00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:31,530
Them things is real.
I once saw her jogging in Tribeca.
25
00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:33,921
Ian hasn't visited in so long.
26
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,968
It'd be nice if he showed up tomorrow.
27
00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:37,929
But he's only got a Vespa...
28
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,968
and it's too cold to ride this far.
29
00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:41,849
One year, Yadriel got me flowers.
30
00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:45,208
He stole them from his cousin's funeral.
It was so sweet.
31
00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:46,884
Please. Valentine's Day was invented...
32
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,964
to make people feel like shit if they're
not part of some perfect couple.
33
00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:53,169
- True. - Diablo says there
are no perfect couples...
34
00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,811
but each couple is perfect in its own way.
35
00:02:57,280 --> 00:03:00,443
It must be hard being locked up
on Valentine's Day.
36
00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:02,645
That's all.
37
00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:04,722
Aw. Thank you, Fischer.
38
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:06,689
That was really empathetic of you.
39
00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:09,650
- You want a cookie?
- Oh, sure. Thank you.
40
00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:19,600
Ripped By mstoll
41
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:24,083
- You need some water, Fischer?
- I'll be fine.
42
00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:28,926
I knew she didn't swallow.
43
00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:40,529
Hi.
44
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:43,524
Where'd you make
reservations for tomorrow night?
45
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:45,726
What?
46
00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:49,202
Shh. I'm trying to pretend
like we're a normal couple.
47
00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:52,284
Oh. Um...
48
00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:56,081
well, I got us
a table for two at Lorenzo's.
49
00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,650
The one by the fireplace.
50
00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:01,525
I can't wait for you to see my dress.
51
00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:04,206
It's sexy, but not slutty. You know.
52
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,450
I can't wait to see it.
53
00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:12,207
Mamita. Uh, can you get me
another bag of flour?
54
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:19,406
Here.
55
00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:21,610
What's this?
56
00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:23,409
It's a list.
57
00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:25,721
Wanna keep the mother-in-law happy, right?
58
00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:29,122
I figured I might as well
make use of Sleepy Hollow...
59
00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:30,929
before the other shoe drops.
60
00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:32,530
Get it?
61
00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:42,127
So this is what Vee negotiated for us-
using these broke-ass showers?
62
00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:44,521
- Man, that's some broke-ass negotiating.
- You think?
63
00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:46,967
You do know that long showers
are bad for you.
64
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:51,762
Yeah. Yeah. Mess with
your keratinocytes and whatnot.
65
00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:54,161
Hey, Suzanne. Shut the fuck up.
66
00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:02,410
Man, why the hell would I leave the
library? It's the best job here.
67
00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:03,970
Because books do not pay the rent.
68
00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:07,487
Books do not bourguignonne the beef.
We are startin' something.
69
00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:10,404
I don't wanna join custodial.
70
00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:12,050
And yet I am still asking you.
71
00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:14,122
No way. No.
72
00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:19,521
Do you know how easy
it would have been for me to say no...
73
00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:21,921
when you said,
“Vee, get me out of this group home...
74
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:25,891
save me from the sick,
fuck-faced foster father I got”?
75
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:27,041
Huh?
76
00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:28,724
It's not fair.
77
00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:30,768
Fair? Girl, please.
78
00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:34,367
Fair is where you go get you some cotton
candy, where you ride the tilt-a-whirl.
79
00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:36,363
I'm looking for Jack.
80
00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:39,290
He's not here.
81
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,164
He buys me chocolates every year.
82
00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:42,765
We're on a fixed income, of course...
83
00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:46,242
but he's got to treat his Duckie right,
he says.
84
00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:50,325
And if he can't find me,
they'll be wasted.
85
00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:57,207
Fuck. Kill me in my sleep
if I ever get like that.
86
00:05:57,280 --> 00:05:59,169
Look, you gonna think about it, right?
87
00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:02,164
And then you gonna do as I say.
88
00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:03,207
Aah!
89
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:05,681
It's just chillin', you know?
90
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,280
Kickin' it with somebody, talking...
91
00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:10,806
making mad stupid jokes.
92
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:16,410
And, like, not even
wanting to go to sleep 'cause...
93
00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:19,205
then you might be
without 'em for a minute.
94
00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:21,169
And you don't want that.
95
00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:33,926
Mmm.
96
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:35,809
And... done.
97
00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:38,087
Ah, who's next? Who's next?
98
00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:39,650
Whoo!
99
00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:49,001
Get a room!
100
00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:51,287
German, fool. Talk it.
101
00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:53,124
Zing? Zinger?
102
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:56,647
Das Zimmer. You're part of a community.
Respect its language.
103
00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,210
My father's part of a community.
104
00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:00,965
I'm the unfortunate
appendage he drags about...
105
00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:03,850
wherever your fight
against terror takes him.
106
00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:08,891
How many times have you had to move
in your short little life?
107
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:11,930
Too many.
But this is the end of the road.
108
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:13,729
My pops promised.
109
00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:17,129
How do you say “I'd like to watch...
110
00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:21,728
as you two make sweet,
sweet lady love” in German?
111
00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:24,883
Nein, motherfucker. Nein.
112
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:33,964
This job is bullshit.
113
00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:37,283
No. 'Tis a rewarding puzzle.
114
00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:42,082
Ain't no puzzle.
Makes electrical look good.
115
00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:44,845
I can't believe I let that old bitch
talk me into this.
116
00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:48,129
I wouldn't speak ill
of Miss Parker's methods.
117
00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:49,884
She wouldn't tolerate such words.
118
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:52,531
Hey. Now, Watson got the right...
119
00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:55,171
to express her discomfort for her new job.
120
00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:57,208
Just because cleaning
quiets your discombobulation...
121
00:07:57,280 --> 00:07:59,328
doesn't mean it does so for everyone.
122
00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:03,166
Point well made, Moppet. Point well made.
123
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,163
You such a dumb-ass.
124
00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:11,641
Hey, Watson. You look a little tired.
125
00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:14,331
Maybe I could come by later
and massage your quads.
126
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:16,687
Get the fuck outta here.
127
00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:18,808
Whatever y'all got going on in here-
128
00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:21,167
taking over custodial- I want a piece.
129
00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:23,129
I use it to cover my eyes.
130
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:26,682
That way, you know, I won't see anything.
131
00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:32,290
Tomorrow night, I am going to put the “V”
in your Valentine.
132
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,803
That's right. Fuck me.
133
00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:39,646
Hey, Warren, who gonna be
your Valentine this year?
134
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:42,564
You always battin'
them freaky blacks at somebody.
135
00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:48,010
No, no. This year,
I'm lovin' someone who deserves me- me.
136
00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:51,010
Loser.
137
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,162
- Shut up.
- Whatever.
138
00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:55,208
Depressing-ass time of year, you ask me.
139
00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:56,805
Motherfucker!
140
00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:59,330
Shit!
141
00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:01,164
You pissed your pants?
142
00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:05,322
I'm-a go find you a diaper.
143
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,890
Your attention, please.
Visiting hours are now open.
144
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:13,328
All prisoners are free
to go to the visiting room.
145
00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:18,407
Tomorrow's
Florence Henderson's birthday.
146
00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:20,960
- What?
- Valentine's Day.
147
00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:22,605
Florence Henderson's birthday.
148
00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:25,650
We should be having our annual naked
Brady-thon celebration...
149
00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:28,371
and I should be doing some kind of a
striptease to “Sunshine Day”...
150
00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:31,842
and then maybe something- maybe something
with... Wesson oil, if that-
151
00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:33,206
Piper.
152
00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:34,611
Hmm?
153
00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:37,484
Hi.
154
00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:40,845
Hi.
155
00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:45,410
Hi.
156
00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:48,642
I heard about your grandma.
157
00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:52,405
Larry.
158
00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:57,209
I want my home.
159
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,722
When I get out of here...
160
00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:04,044
I wanna come home.
161
00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:08,360
That's quite the statement.
162
00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:14,570
You sure about that?
163
00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:17,963
Yeah.
164
00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:19,530
I'm sure.
165
00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:22,762
Well, I'm not asking you.
166
00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:26,562
I'm asking future Piper...
167
00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:29,642
free Piper.
168
00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:32,405
Can you guarantee that you still will?
169
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:35,051
Future Piper hopes so.
170
00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:39,730
Present Larry can't live on hope.
171
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:42,690
Wasabi peas and peanut butter
pretzels apparently, but not hope.
172
00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:44,649
Please don't mention those things...
173
00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:46,848
unless you're hiding some
up your butt for me.
174
00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:51,928
Piper.
175
00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:58,242
This, uh- This reporter from City Post,
Andrew Nance...
176
00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:03,929
he, um- he asked me about
financial irregularities here.
177
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:08,244
Uh, vendors that don't exist,
buildings that were never built.
178
00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:10,721
And I was like, “Fuck that.”
179
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:13,883
Why should he write it? I'll write it.
180
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:15,724
Write what?
181
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,529
An article-
182
00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:20,683
with you investigating from the inside.
183
00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:23,969
Freedom of the press shouldn't only be
a privilege of the free, right?
184
00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:25,769
- Oh, my God.
- What do you say?
185
00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:30,323
Oh, my God. Larry. Jesus Christ.
186
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:31,845
- What?
- You're doing it again.
187
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:33,883
What are you talking about?
188
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:37,009
We'll- We'll fucking expose
this place, Piper.
189
00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:39,048
You're the moon, Larry.
190
00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:41,361
You have got to stop being the moon.
191
00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:44,523
- What's wrong with being the moon?
- It doesn't have its own light.
192
00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:48,281
Right. So what, that-
What, that makes you the sun?
193
00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:50,328
Are you the sun, Piper?
194
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,084
Huh? You're the center
of the solar system...
195
00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:55,209
and I'm just a dead hunk of crap rock?
196
00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:57,567
How am I supposed to become
my own planet, Piper...
197
00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:01,087
when your shit is still everywhere?
198
00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:03,925
Huh? You get to move on.
199
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:09,291
You get to fuck Alex
or- or whoever's next, and I am stuck.
200
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:13,490
I'm stuck with your-your-
your sweaters and your shoes...
201
00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:18,088
and your goddamn Sephora
fucking outlet store worth of products.
202
00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:20,288
You are everywhere.
203
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:25,887
It's like living inside a-a sarcophagus.
204
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:29,726
Well, take my stuff to Polly's
if it's so in your way.
205
00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:36,081
- And you mean “mausoleum,” not
“sarcophagus.” - Don't tell me what I mean!
206
00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:44,486
At least people can walk on the moon.
207
00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:48,560
Anyone gets near the sun,
they burn right up.
208
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:56,962
Vee says she's too old.
209
00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:59,566
Don't believe it for a second.
210
00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:01,608
What that woman did to me-
211
00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:03,364
People don't change.
212
00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:06,011
Hurry it up, will you!
213
00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:08,367
I'm trying, Ma.
The sparks are burning my cheeks.
214
00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:11,171
Then turn your head. Where's your brother?
215
00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:13,208
He got claustrophobic.
216
00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:15,567
He's in the woods guarding the entrance.
217
00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:18,246
I'm just so sad, Mamushka.
218
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:19,970
I'm sorry she left you, Vasily...
219
00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:22,611
but I'm sure you
did something to deserve it.
220
00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:24,569
I used to watch her sleep...
221
00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:28,884
and pray for the strength
to stop ruining everything, Ma.
222
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,361
And how did that work out for you?
223
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:34,569
Oh, no work today. Come back tomorrow.
224
00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:38,008
- Well, Jack said he would be out here.
- I saw him get into a taxi.
225
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:39,969
A taxi?
226
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:42,684
Out here?
227
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:44,529
Imagine that.
228
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:47,206
Thank you, young lady.
229
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:52,086
Hurry it up, will you!
230
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:04,686
- Mama!
- You and your disgusting whining.
231
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:07,491
If you want your woman back,
go get her.
232
00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:09,050
Now hand up the shit.
233
00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:11,205
Come on!
234
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:17,371
- When you get out of here-
- Mm-hmm.
235
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:20,125
Who do you imagine yourself
going home to?
236
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:22,123
Fiona Apple in the “Criminal” video.
237
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:23,884
Ah.
238
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:27,089
Stupid question. What about you?
239
00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:29,724
I always thought it would be Larry...
240
00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:32,451
but I think it's time to reimagine.
241
00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:36,684
This stupid fuckin' holiday.
242
00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:40,685
Listen. If you want,
I can help you forget what day it is.
243
00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:44,321
- Yeah, or your name, for that matter.
- You know, no.
244
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,528
I am not interested in being a prize-
245
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:49,922
albeit a shockingly undervalued one-
246
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:53,288
- in your little sex game.
- Fine.
247
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:59,049
I lost my manipulative,
gorgeous, psychopath ex...
248
00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:03,250
and my sweet, kind...
249
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:06,483
unfocused fiancé.
250
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,048
I don't have a home anymore.
251
00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:11,565
Yeah, Chapman. You do.
252
00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:15,049
This shitpile!
253
00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:16,963
Home, sweet home.
254
00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:18,565
Look, I gotta say...
255
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:20,927
your unfocused fiancé's
on the right track with this article shit.
256
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:24,209
This is, like, my 20th time trying to fix
the short in this panel alone.
257
00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:25,805
Nobody's spending money here.
258
00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:29,964
Hey.
259
00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:31,804
Gallego said you were looking for me.
260
00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:35,930
Oh, Joe.
These phone calls- they're amazing.
261
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:37,684
Listen.
262
00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:41,207
I said to keep
an eye on him, not fuck him.
263
00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:43,487
It was only in the ass. It don't count.
264
00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:45,369
- I'm telling Mom.
- Whoa.
265
00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:48,603
I know. Anyway,
it's so interesting, all these lives.
266
00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:51,331
- It's like reading Dickens.
- That's good.
267
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:53,482
Showing initiative.
268
00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:55,847
Maybe it'll help get Fig off my ass.
269
00:15:55,920 --> 00:16:00,164
She asked me to impose a shot quota.
It's ridiculous.
270
00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:02,766
I love that you stand up to her.
271
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:08,886
So, how are things going with, um-
272
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,644
What's his name?
273
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:14,805
They're not... going.
He wore a lot of vests.
274
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:16,609
Ah.
275
00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:19,650
Well, that- that happens. You-
276
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:23,247
You know, I- I play in this band.
277
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,891
You're in a band? Wow.
278
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:29,521
Yeah? Yeah.
279
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:32,171
It's no big deal. I-
280
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:35,961
We play in town tomorrow night.
You wanna come?
281
00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:38,771
Oh, I'm working the Valentine's party.
282
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:42,090
I'll get you off.
283
00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:45,570
I'll-I'll get you off the schedule.
284
00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:47,369
Uh, I- I-
285
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:49,966
I-I can get your shift covered.
l-It's fine.
286
00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:52,008
Well, I do love music.
287
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:54,765
- That'd be awesome. Thanks.
- Great.
288
00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:59,330
- I'll see you there then.
- Okay.
289
00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:08,201
I had this thing with my boss
at Long John Silver's...
290
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:11,523
and then I found out
his wife was wicked hot.
291
00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:15,691
That was nice.
292
00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:18,047
“How do you know I'm mad?” said Alice.
293
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:21,920
“You must be,” said the cat,
or you wouldn't have come here.”
294
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:25,243
Mmm. Shit. You right.
295
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:27,926
Lewis Carroll must have gone to prison.
296
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,201
R.J.'s mom was named Alice.
297
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:33,846
Oh, yeah? She fall down a rabbit hole?
298
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,207
- Nah, a crack hole.
- Ah.
299
00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:39,124
She found a little rock
said “Smoke me” on it.
300
00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:42,647
That's-
That's not funny. That shit was serious.
301
00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:46,001
“Smoke me.” Man, you a dumb-ass.
302
00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:48,447
Jefferson,
say good-bye. You're on custodial now.
303
00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:50,045
Already?
304
00:17:50,120 --> 00:17:51,770
Wait. You leavin?
305
00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:53,484
Yeah.
306
00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:55,961
Remember I told you
Vee was gettin' something together?
307
00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:58,930
But why would you leave the library, man?
You know you love it here.
308
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:00,490
You don't understand.
309
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:03,004
I owe her.
310
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:07,245
She could probably get you transferred,
I bet.
311
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:11,803
Nah. Nah, I know when I got it good.
312
00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:14,564
Yeah, okay.
313
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:17,530
Well, I'll see you at dinner.
314
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,450
Sorry.
315
00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:42,330
Okay.
316
00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:51,242
Yeah?
317
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:31,041
- Just this.
- It's on the list.
318
00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:32,690
It's fucking vapor.
319
00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:36,526
Give me a break, Eliqua. Caputo's up my
ass today. Put it in your car.
320
00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:38,443
Next.
321
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,725
Pat-downs are mandatory now.
322
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:04,123
I'm just kidding.
323
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:06,771
I don't wanna touch that peg-leg shit.
324
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:09,002
Happy Valentine's Day.
325
00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:10,570
Next.
326
00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:22,565
Look at this shit.
327
00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:27,090
You're lucky you're pretty.
You know that, right?
328
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:30,521
What does that one say?
329
00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:34,810
Ian. In case he shows up today.
I'm stupid.
330
00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:44,451
I'm so glad we're family.
331
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:04,050
Happy Valentine's Day.
332
00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:05,610
Thanks.
333
00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:10,883
Are you cooking up
something special for me today?
334
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:12,928
The house smells great.
335
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:15,287
That's what you're gonna expect me to do?
336
00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:18,807
Cook for you, be your little housewife,
huh? It's not happening.
337
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:22,202
No, no. I- I thought we were playing the-
338
00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:23,725
I don't care if you cook.
339
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:28,362
Sorry. I've just been depressed today.
340
00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:30,841
I don't wanna play
the normal game anymore.
341
00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:34,003
'Cause I don't know how
we ever are gonna be normal.
342
00:23:39,480 --> 00:23:41,767
Just so you know, counselors
can be a great resource...
343
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:44,446
if you need to talk or cry or something.
344
00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:46,761
- Who'd you get?
- Healy.
345
00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:48,365
- Oh.
- What's wrong?
346
00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:52,240
Nothing. I just get the sense
that none of the girls really like him.
347
00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:54,721
But you're tough. You'll be fine.
348
00:23:56,320 --> 00:24:00,962
Have you noticed we've been blowing a lot
of fuses around here lately?
349
00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:03,042
You're just noticing
this place is falling apart?
350
00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:06,090
Doesn't the prison have a budget
for infrastructure?
351
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:08,049
Sure.
352
00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:11,408
And what happened to the electrical budget
from last quarter?
353
00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:15,530
It went to upgrading the “A” block grid
and loading-dock panel.
354
00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:18,405
- Really? We did that?
- That's what the budget report says.
355
00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:20,608
- So we did it?
- Okay.
356
00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:22,125
- So it happened?
- Why not?
357
00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:24,043
I don't understand.
358
00:24:24,120 --> 00:24:26,441
Trust me, you don't want to.
359
00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:28,648
Congratulations. Hour's up.
360
00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:31,564
You just earned another 11 cents.
361
00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:41,089
All right, everybody. Dolphin pose.
362
00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:50,842
I think I can help you
with the dolphin pose.
363
00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:53,287
The trick is to make sure
that your pelvic basin-
364
00:24:53,360 --> 00:24:55,249
Get away from me.
365
00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:12,771
No way. Thanks, Red.
366
00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:21,331
Red. Bless you.
367
00:25:23,120 --> 00:25:25,646
Laundry now available for pickup.
368
00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:29,611
Now let's return to dolphin pose.
369
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:33,410
Kukicha tea.
370
00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:37,965
Well, look who's back.
371
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:43,689
Sorry to interrupt, girls.
372
00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:46,240
Continue with your... dolphins.
373
00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:53,122
Just bagged a four-pointer.
374
00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:01,565
We're almost tied.
375
00:26:04,360 --> 00:26:05,646
Listen up.
376
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:09,606
This angry nonsense has to stop.
377
00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:14,051
We're going to need each other soon.
378
00:26:14,120 --> 00:26:15,804
All of us.
379
00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:30,241
Medical staff,
report to the visitation hall.
380
00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:32,163
I'm not kidding, Nicky.
381
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:35,441
We have to stick together.
382
00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:37,761
We're stronger together.
383
00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:39,922
So you try to buy their love back?
384
00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:43,410
Thanks, Red.
385
00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:56,328
Why- Why are you asking me that?
386
00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:58,971
You- You shouldn't be talking to me.
387
00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:02,123
You shouldn't be.
388
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:04,089
Fourteen foot powders.
389
00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:05,685
Check.
390
00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:08,604
- Twenty Effergrips.
- Check that.
391
00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:10,842
Remember when we sold smokes?
392
00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:13,685
God, I swear I'm gonna vote Libertarian.
393
00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:15,842
I've gotta run to my car.
I'll be right back.
394
00:27:22,400 --> 00:27:24,402
Mind if I step out for a moment?
395
00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:26,482
I don't give a shit.
396
00:27:32,120 --> 00:27:34,009
Let me guess.
397
00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:36,731
“Yo, Vee, I'm just so mad...
398
00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:39,525
since y'all got Taystee
transferred to custodial.
399
00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:43,446
Just left me in the library
with my titties in my hand.”
400
00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:45,645
Close?
401
00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:49,725
Nah. You left out, "If you get her in
trouble, I'll kill you."
402
00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:53,930
- Really?
- You bet.
403
00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:57,886
- And how would you kill me?
- I'll figure it out.
404
00:27:57,960 --> 00:28:01,407
I know she thinks she owes you.
405
00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:05,565
But from what I heard,
you're just a bully...
406
00:28:05,640 --> 00:28:08,484
who uses lost kids for her own shit...
407
00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:10,801
and then dumps 'em
as soon as the heat comes down.
408
00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:13,247
You're a fucking vampire.
409
00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:15,004
There was this kid growing up.
410
00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:17,447
His name was Haro Jones.
411
00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:21,324
Oh, he had these arms.
412
00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:26,770
I just wanted to lick
the length of his arms.
413
00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:31,243
Then one day, I walked into the park...
414
00:28:31,320 --> 00:28:34,927
find his hand up Jamela Larkin's skirt.
415
00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:36,729
Broke my poor fool heart.
416
00:28:36,800 --> 00:28:39,406
Look, lady, I don't give a fuck
about your little stories and-
417
00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:42,006
Taystee...
418
00:28:42,080 --> 00:28:44,367
will...
419
00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:46,169
never...
420
00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:48,971
love... you.
421
00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:52,407
She will never love you.
422
00:28:54,200 --> 00:28:55,645
Not the way you want.
423
00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:04,721
Yo, I don't want her like that.
424
00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:09,805
I'm just looking out for her. That's all.
425
00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:15,287
Corrections officers to “B” block.
426
00:29:15,360 --> 00:29:17,840
Corrections officers to “B” block.
427
00:29:27,720 --> 00:29:32,362
Yo, Pops, some fucking Chinese soldiers
was just smoking right outside my window.
428
00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:38,770
I'm so sorry.
429
00:29:38,880 --> 00:29:40,564
What? Where's Mom?
430
00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:42,563
She's fine.
431
00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:45,120
We're being transferred
back to the States.
432
00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:48,363
I don't know why, but... we are.
433
00:29:50,240 --> 00:29:52,004
What?
434
00:29:52,080 --> 00:29:53,605
I'm sorry.
435
00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:57,327
I let you both down, P.
436
00:29:59,760 --> 00:30:01,762
I don't know what to say.
437
00:30:17,560 --> 00:30:19,085
All right.
438
00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:30,290
Jesus.
439
00:30:44,760 --> 00:30:46,410
You're out of bounds, Chapman.
440
00:30:47,760 --> 00:30:50,843
Well, I won't tell if you don't.
441
00:30:50,920 --> 00:30:53,685
All first-level
trustees check in for kitchen duty.
442
00:30:53,760 --> 00:30:55,762
Treating us like we're prisoners.
443
00:30:57,720 --> 00:31:03,363
Hey. You know, I heard
that there were plans to build a gym here.
444
00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:06,330
- Do you know what ever happened to that?
- What always happens.
445
00:31:06,400 --> 00:31:08,402
I'll take it from here.
446
00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:14,883
Just looking for a faulty wire.
447
00:31:14,960 --> 00:31:18,009
Then why are you
asking Maxwell about a gym?
448
00:31:18,080 --> 00:31:20,367
From what I hear,
you're full of questions lately.
449
00:31:20,480 --> 00:31:25,850
You know that I have always been interested
in the health and safety of others.
450
00:31:25,920 --> 00:31:28,161
I'm trying to help you with your nana.
451
00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:31,329
So, again, why are you
asking all these questions?
452
00:31:40,160 --> 00:31:43,164
Freedom of the press shouldn't only be
a privilege of the free.
453
00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:47,285
What the fuck does that mean?
454
00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:49,647
What does the press have
anything to do with this?
455
00:31:52,680 --> 00:31:54,682
I'm starting a prison newsletter.
456
00:31:54,760 --> 00:31:56,888
- A newsletter?
- A newsletter.
457
00:31:58,000 --> 00:31:59,570
A newsletter.
458
00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:04,726
Written by the prisoners
with, um, articles...
459
00:32:04,800 --> 00:32:07,007
and op-ed pieces.
460
00:32:07,080 --> 00:32:10,527
That is why I've been trying to get out of
my bubble and get to know this place.
461
00:32:10,600 --> 00:32:14,161
We- This- This is our home.
462
00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:18,126
We should all be communicating more.
463
00:32:18,200 --> 00:32:19,770
Inmates, guards...
464
00:32:19,840 --> 00:32:22,081
administration.
465
00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:28,008
This could really,
really help us get to know each other...
466
00:32:28,080 --> 00:32:30,890
and this place better.
467
00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:37,085
Pending your approval, of course...
468
00:32:38,880 --> 00:32:42,771
Mr. Editor In Chief.
469
00:32:42,840 --> 00:32:44,365
Don't oversell it.
470
00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:52,888
- A newsletter.
-Mmm.
471
00:32:54,320 --> 00:32:57,210
Okay. I'm not saying yes.
472
00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:00,528
Show me some sample stories by tomorrow.
473
00:33:00,600 --> 00:33:03,126
Tomorrow? Sure. Okay. Yeah.
474
00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:07,402
The girls used to like me.
475
00:33:10,920 --> 00:33:12,570
They will again.
476
00:33:15,720 --> 00:33:18,200
Hey, hey, hey. How my girls doin'?
477
00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:25,084
Ooh.
478
00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:27,527
Why you got your famous pouty face on?
479
00:33:27,600 --> 00:33:30,888
I don't understand what you're doing.
480
00:33:30,960 --> 00:33:33,247
Yeah, and how many times
have you not understood my methods...
481
00:33:33,320 --> 00:33:35,322
only to have everything be made clear?
482
00:33:35,400 --> 00:33:37,641
Yeah, like when the cops were after R.J.?
483
00:33:37,720 --> 00:33:41,088
Goddamn. You done gone
for the nuclear option early.
484
00:33:41,160 --> 00:33:43,925
Why don't you ever wanna talk about R.J.?
485
00:33:44,040 --> 00:33:46,805
Because it's in the past, girl.
I live in the now.
486
00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:48,570
So should you.
487
00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:52,565
All damn day, I've been scrubbing toilets,
defending you.
488
00:33:52,640 --> 00:33:55,120
- And I don't even believe in you anymore.
- Taystee.
489
00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:57,601
No! You don't have a plan.
490
00:33:57,720 --> 00:34:00,724
You just wanna prove
that you can order me around.
491
00:34:00,800 --> 00:34:03,531
- But, nah, not anymore.
- Open the box.
492
00:34:03,600 --> 00:34:05,887
- What?
- Open the box.
493
00:34:12,120 --> 00:34:15,408
Man, I told you. I'm done cleaning.
494
00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:18,724
What are you doin'?
495
00:34:20,280 --> 00:34:22,601
What? Tobacco?
496
00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:28,607
But where's the cleanser?
Where-
497
00:34:48,000 --> 00:34:49,650
It's like getting into a bath.
498
00:34:49,720 --> 00:34:53,202
But the water is like
warm chocolate pudding.
499
00:34:53,320 --> 00:34:57,291
And The Smiths are playing
“There's a Light That Never Goes Out.”
500
00:34:57,360 --> 00:34:59,931
Oh. There's warm lighting all over...
501
00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:03,402
and there are, like,
five dudes massaging you.
502
00:35:03,480 --> 00:35:05,767
And you have a pizza.
503
00:35:05,840 --> 00:35:08,844
She's right.
And you also have a pizza.
504
00:35:14,800 --> 00:35:17,644
Hey, I got some hooch
from that Greek chick with the beard.
505
00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:25,006
- That's pretty good.
- Mm-hmm.
506
00:35:25,080 --> 00:35:26,809
Fischer's out today.
507
00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:30,282
Apparently having her woman time.
508
00:35:30,360 --> 00:35:32,806
Oh. Um, where's Joe?
509
00:35:32,880 --> 00:35:36,123
He's out too. Yeah.
510
00:35:36,200 --> 00:35:37,964
Let 'em have their stupid little party...
511
00:35:38,040 --> 00:35:39,610
and then don't put enough muscle on.
512
00:35:39,680 --> 00:35:41,409
So typical.
513
00:35:41,480 --> 00:35:43,960
Bronikowski, leave room for Jesus.
514
00:35:44,040 --> 00:35:46,566
I will shut this thing down
in a heartbeat.
515
00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:50,682
You know what's funny?
516
00:35:51,720 --> 00:35:54,849
I'm in a women's prison, but, um...
517
00:35:56,080 --> 00:35:58,401
I don't understand women at all.
518
00:35:58,480 --> 00:36:00,881
I'll tell you something
about women, Bennett.
519
00:36:00,960 --> 00:36:04,009
With women, you make 'em think
you're meeting them halfway...
520
00:36:04,080 --> 00:36:06,560
when really what you're doing
is you're meeting them...
521
00:36:06,640 --> 00:36:09,246
about 10 to 15 percent of the way.
522
00:36:10,760 --> 00:36:13,206
Women are really bad at math.
523
00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:14,930
Don't forget that.
524
00:36:16,240 --> 00:36:17,765
I won't, sir.
525
00:36:23,000 --> 00:36:25,924
- Did Jack call yet?
- Who?
526
00:36:37,480 --> 00:36:39,084
Listen, Daya.
527
00:36:39,160 --> 00:36:41,527
I know we can't be normal, but-
528
00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:43,204
Shh.
529
00:36:43,280 --> 00:36:46,284
Take me somewhere. Now.
530
00:36:55,640 --> 00:36:58,246
Wow. They're bigger.
531
00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:03,804
Let's go.
532
00:37:40,920 --> 00:37:42,445
What is this?
533
00:37:43,920 --> 00:37:45,445
Yo.
534
00:37:48,200 --> 00:37:49,690
Close your eyes.
535
00:37:49,760 --> 00:37:51,524
- What? Why?
- Close 'em.
536
00:37:54,880 --> 00:37:56,564
Open your lips.
537
00:37:58,680 --> 00:38:00,205
Less.
538
00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:01,406
- T.-
- Do it.
539
00:38:10,720 --> 00:38:12,165
What?
540
00:38:12,240 --> 00:38:14,208
What's this, a cigarette?
541
00:38:15,480 --> 00:38:17,244
We in business, P.
542
00:38:17,320 --> 00:38:19,402
Vee's got a whole sales plan.
543
00:38:19,480 --> 00:38:22,563
We gettin' paid! I told you.
544
00:38:22,640 --> 00:38:25,405
Next-level Mr. Miyagi shit, son.
545
00:38:25,480 --> 00:38:28,370
Yah, yah, yah, ya-yah!
546
00:39:20,600 --> 00:39:23,410
Well, that was unexpected.
547
00:39:23,480 --> 00:39:25,209
Sorry.
548
00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:27,282
I was in a mood before.
549
00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:31,601
You're the sweetest man.
550
00:39:33,600 --> 00:39:35,090
Here.
551
00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:44,364
Look at the dog.
552
00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:47,962
This is so great.
553
00:39:49,480 --> 00:39:51,528
So was this.
554
00:39:51,600 --> 00:39:53,841
Mmm. Here.
555
00:39:57,520 --> 00:39:59,329
Sneaky, sneaky man.
556
00:40:04,320 --> 00:40:06,641
See? We can be a normal couple.
557
00:40:06,720 --> 00:40:09,690
Except you misspelled “Valentine's.”
558
00:40:11,640 --> 00:40:13,165
No, I didn't.
559
00:40:14,680 --> 00:40:16,170
Mendez did.
560
00:40:30,560 --> 00:40:32,050
Hi.
561
00:40:34,520 --> 00:40:36,761
I was wondering if I could ask you
a few questions...
562
00:40:36,840 --> 00:40:38,569
for a newsletter we're starting.
563
00:40:38,640 --> 00:40:40,449
A newsletter.
564
00:40:40,520 --> 00:40:42,682
Okay. Good luck.
565
00:40:42,760 --> 00:40:47,766
So, since it's Valentine's Day...
566
00:40:47,880 --> 00:40:50,087
what is love to you?
567
00:40:50,160 --> 00:40:51,685
How would you define love?
568
00:40:51,800 --> 00:40:54,246
That's a retarded fucking question.
569
00:40:55,800 --> 00:40:57,689
Okay. Um-
570
00:40:59,280 --> 00:41:00,930
How about this?
571
00:41:01,960 --> 00:41:03,485
When was the last time...
572
00:41:03,560 --> 00:41:07,645
you saw any major plumbing work
being done around here?
573
00:41:07,720 --> 00:41:09,324
Hmm.
574
00:41:09,400 --> 00:41:12,131
'04, '05 maybe.
575
00:41:12,240 --> 00:41:13,924
'04 or '05.
576
00:41:14,000 --> 00:41:18,847
This fatso named Donna Cusio
broke three toilets in one week.
577
00:41:19,880 --> 00:41:22,042
It was a mess, man.
578
00:41:26,040 --> 00:41:27,530
I bet.
579
00:41:28,720 --> 00:41:30,245
Big, big woman.
580
00:41:31,640 --> 00:41:35,042
Inmate 3429 to the infirmary.
581
00:41:48,200 --> 00:41:52,444
I just wanted to call and wish you
a happy Valentine's Day.
582
00:42:05,760 --> 00:42:07,728
I learned that for you.
583
00:42:09,720 --> 00:42:12,041
I'm a good man, Katya.
584
00:42:13,440 --> 00:42:14,965
You'll see that.
585
00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:18,731
I'm gonna make you really proud...
586
00:42:18,800 --> 00:42:21,531
to be married to this big galoot.
587
00:42:21,640 --> 00:42:23,324
I swear to-
588
00:42:38,000 --> 00:42:40,048
The fuck you mean there's no Ferris?
589
00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:41,605
No, okay, hear me out.
590
00:42:41,680 --> 00:42:44,729
Ferris is just a projection
of Cameron's inability...
591
00:42:44,800 --> 00:42:46,290
to stand up to his domineering father.
592
00:42:46,360 --> 00:42:48,488
But here's the mind fuck.
593
00:42:48,560 --> 00:42:51,006
Cameron never actually leaves his room.
594
00:42:51,080 --> 00:42:53,128
Remember, he's sick.
595
00:42:53,200 --> 00:42:56,170
He invents this idealized self, Ferris...
596
00:42:56,240 --> 00:42:58,242
plus his, like, 30-year-old girlfriend...
597
00:42:58,320 --> 00:43:00,402
and then imagines this epic adventure...
598
00:43:00,480 --> 00:43:02,482
with car chases, parades...
599
00:43:02,600 --> 00:43:04,443
ball games, blah, blah, blah.
600
00:43:04,560 --> 00:43:06,767
So this day off
is actually just a day off...
601
00:43:06,840 --> 00:43:08,649
from his rigid coherence
to mind/body alignment-
602
00:43:08,720 --> 00:43:10,961
Would you please shut the fuck up?
603
00:43:12,720 --> 00:43:15,485
Sorry. It's just a theory I read.
604
00:43:18,480 --> 00:43:20,881
Next time, just sit on her face.
It shuts her right up.
605
00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:23,361
I'll keep that in mind.
606
00:43:39,520 --> 00:43:41,045
Why are you ignoring me?
607
00:43:43,320 --> 00:43:46,449
Why are you ignoring me?
Spit it out! Come on!
608
00:43:46,560 --> 00:43:48,961
Look, you've been
lording over this group...
609
00:43:49,040 --> 00:43:50,690
like some Hillary Clinton dictator.
610
00:43:50,760 --> 00:43:52,205
- What?
- And we wanna be a democracy.
611
00:43:52,280 --> 00:43:53,884
Are you calling me Hillary Clinton?
612
00:43:54,920 --> 00:43:57,321
If the pantsuit fits.
613
00:43:57,400 --> 00:44:00,051
Look, we're done with you. Right?
614
00:44:01,040 --> 00:44:03,771
Y'all are done with me?
615
00:44:03,840 --> 00:44:06,366
That's really funny.
That's really funny, Leanne.
616
00:44:06,440 --> 00:44:08,522
'Cause if I'm Hillary Clinton...
617
00:44:08,600 --> 00:44:12,491
then y'all must be some “sister-wife,
tweaker, Slurpee-drinkin'...
618
00:44:12,560 --> 00:44:14,324
fourth-grade-readin'-level...
619
00:44:14,400 --> 00:44:19,247
Daddy-on- Cops, trailer trash” nothin'.
620
00:44:19,320 --> 00:44:22,927
And you know what? It's okay, 'cause you
ain't even challenged me anyway.
621
00:44:23,000 --> 00:44:25,480
Actually, you know what?
None of you did. Not one.
622
00:44:25,600 --> 00:44:28,171
You keep playing tennis
with someone worse than you...
623
00:44:28,240 --> 00:44:31,050
and you ain't never gonna get better,
so thank you.
624
00:44:31,120 --> 00:44:34,203
- You play tennis?
- It's a metaphor, you potato with eyes.
625
00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:37,525
You know what?
626
00:44:37,600 --> 00:44:40,683
Pardon my French, but you can eat my shit.
627
00:44:40,760 --> 00:44:42,762
Whore! Whore! Whore!
628
00:44:45,960 --> 00:44:47,883
Man, that was awkward.
629
00:44:50,600 --> 00:44:52,329
- Angie?
- Yeah.
630
00:44:52,400 --> 00:44:54,402
Go get me some punch.
631
00:44:56,480 --> 00:44:58,005
All right.
632
00:45:17,480 --> 00:45:19,767
Great party.
633
00:45:19,840 --> 00:45:23,367
Listen. We are so happy
that you and Daya...
634
00:45:23,440 --> 00:45:27,889
are having such fun, special,
secret times together.
635
00:45:27,960 --> 00:45:29,086
Oh, uh-
636
00:45:29,160 --> 00:45:31,242
And we really admire you
providing for her so well...
637
00:45:31,320 --> 00:45:33,243
you know, despite the circumstances.
638
00:45:33,320 --> 00:45:34,810
We just wanted to let you know...
639
00:45:34,880 --> 00:45:38,566
that we support you 500%
with our continued silence.
640
00:45:38,640 --> 00:45:42,087
Considering as such, in your next round
of leg-based contraband...
641
00:45:42,160 --> 00:45:45,403
we had a couple requests that could make
our aforementioned silence...
642
00:45:45,480 --> 00:45:47,005
a little bit more comfortable.
643
00:45:47,080 --> 00:45:50,687
I mean, I personally request
an iPod shuffle, you know...
644
00:45:50,760 --> 00:45:54,287
loaded with Alt and Post-punk,
Depeche Mode, Erasure.
645
00:45:54,360 --> 00:45:57,842
And I need Yoo-hoo
and ACT fluoride rinse for my teeth.
646
00:45:57,920 --> 00:46:00,969
A cell phone with a camera. Thank you.
647
00:46:01,040 --> 00:46:03,327
Happy Valentine's Day.
648
00:46:03,400 --> 00:46:05,323
- Thanks.
- Okay.
649
00:46:09,440 --> 00:46:13,729
That's a fucking low blow even for a filthy
sewer rat like you, Nichols. Really?
650
00:46:13,800 --> 00:46:15,882
You told people I have crabs.
651
00:46:16,000 --> 00:46:18,446
You just found out about that?
652
00:46:18,520 --> 00:46:20,488
- It is cheating.
- Come on.
653
00:46:20,560 --> 00:46:23,040
A-Rod doesn't cry
when he gets plunked in Beantown.
654
00:46:23,120 --> 00:46:25,043
He sucks it up and tries to steal second.
655
00:46:25,120 --> 00:46:27,282
I've been trying
to both suck and steal second...
656
00:46:27,360 --> 00:46:29,249
but I can't because everybody
thinks I have cooties.
657
00:46:30,760 --> 00:46:33,161
Speaking of a set, how many you got?
658
00:46:33,240 --> 00:46:37,962
Thirty-six, after I gave Pirkle the double
shocker in the showers just now.
659
00:46:38,040 --> 00:46:39,644
Really? You Pirkled?
660
00:46:39,720 --> 00:46:41,961
Oh, I Pirkled. And then I Pirkled again.
661
00:46:42,040 --> 00:46:43,485
And?
662
00:46:43,560 --> 00:46:46,609
It was gnarly. It's macro-clit.
663
00:46:46,680 --> 00:46:48,125
It was like blowing a toddler.
664
00:46:48,240 --> 00:46:50,322
- Oh, my God.
- It was so uncomfortable.
665
00:46:50,400 --> 00:46:52,209
That's fucking hilarious.
666
00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:55,329
Oh, God. So, 36?
667
00:46:55,400 --> 00:46:57,129
We're tied.
668
00:46:57,200 --> 00:46:59,202
- Yep.
- Yeah.
669
00:46:59,280 --> 00:47:01,726
- Have you considered maybe we just stop?
- Do you wanna maybe just stop?
670
00:47:01,800 --> 00:47:03,370
- I don't have to.
- If you want to.
671
00:47:03,440 --> 00:47:07,411
I'm okay with it. 'Cause we both fucked-
672
00:47:07,480 --> 00:47:08,970
Lots.
673
00:47:09,040 --> 00:47:11,441
Remind me why we did this
to ourselves in the first place.
674
00:47:11,520 --> 00:47:13,727
Because I am insanely competitive.
675
00:47:13,800 --> 00:47:16,883
Yeah, and I need to feed
my addictive tendencies at all times.
676
00:47:19,440 --> 00:47:21,090
Cookie-eating contest.
677
00:47:21,160 --> 00:47:24,323
Son, have you ever actually seen me?
678
00:47:24,400 --> 00:47:26,289
You are going down!
679
00:47:40,040 --> 00:47:42,725
Thanks, guys. That was for Cora.
680
00:47:42,800 --> 00:47:44,689
We're gonna miss your laugh, Corn-Dog.
681
00:47:44,760 --> 00:47:46,808
And we're gonna take five.
682
00:47:50,240 --> 00:47:52,049
Hey!
683
00:47:52,120 --> 00:47:54,487
You made it. We're just going on break.
684
00:47:54,600 --> 00:47:57,570
Wow. You look so different.
685
00:47:57,640 --> 00:48:00,962
Well, you know,
I like to keep things profesh at work.
686
00:48:02,120 --> 00:48:04,168
I saved you a stool with a view.
687
00:48:04,240 --> 00:48:06,049
Oh. Actually, we're gonna need a table.
688
00:48:06,120 --> 00:48:07,690
I didn't know you were coming.
689
00:48:07,760 --> 00:48:09,649
You heard me say it sounded fun.
690
00:48:09,720 --> 00:48:12,041
I hope you don't mind.
I told some of the guys about your show.
691
00:48:12,120 --> 00:48:13,849
I almost didn't make it. Get this.
692
00:48:13,920 --> 00:48:17,003
The sellers are now refusing
to drop the replacement contingency.
693
00:48:17,120 --> 00:48:18,804
Would you shut up about real estate?
694
00:48:18,880 --> 00:48:21,360
I asked you to move in with me
and you said no...
695
00:48:21,440 --> 00:48:23,647
so you have no talking rights here.
696
00:48:23,720 --> 00:48:27,202
This is nice. Like a double date.
697
00:48:27,280 --> 00:48:28,725
- We're not together.
- We're not together.
698
00:48:28,840 --> 00:48:30,888
Actually, we're gonna need another chair.
699
00:48:30,960 --> 00:48:32,485
Why?
700
00:48:37,760 --> 00:48:39,888
You look like the gay Edge.
701
00:48:44,320 --> 00:48:45,321
Hey.
702
00:48:59,520 --> 00:49:02,126
It's like you become more you...
703
00:49:02,200 --> 00:49:05,443
which... normally is like-
704
00:49:07,200 --> 00:49:10,124
But... now it's okay...
705
00:49:10,200 --> 00:49:13,761
because the person, like...
706
00:49:15,720 --> 00:49:17,927
whoever...
707
00:49:18,000 --> 00:49:21,402
they chose to take all that on.
708
00:49:21,520 --> 00:49:23,204
All that weird stuff.
709
00:49:23,280 --> 00:49:28,446
Whatever's wrong or bad
or hiding in you...
710
00:49:28,520 --> 00:49:30,568
suddenly, it's all right.
711
00:49:32,160 --> 00:49:35,243
You don't feel like such a freak anymore.
712
00:49:37,720 --> 00:49:39,245
Larry.
713
00:49:40,720 --> 00:49:42,722
Would the moon do this?
714
00:49:46,960 --> 00:49:50,043
I won!
715
00:49:53,320 --> 00:49:55,721
Larry. Good to see you, mate.
716
00:49:55,800 --> 00:49:58,565
Ooh! Sorry about the stink.
I killed a caribou.
717
00:49:58,680 --> 00:50:00,808
Less gamy marinated in pineapple juice.
718
00:50:00,880 --> 00:50:02,928
Also makes your spunk taste good.
719
00:50:03,000 --> 00:50:05,207
So you're in luck, babe. Mwah.
720
00:50:05,280 --> 00:50:06,850
What's that?
721
00:50:06,920 --> 00:50:08,843
Oh. It's, uh-
722
00:50:08,920 --> 00:50:10,490
It's Piper's stuff.
723
00:50:10,560 --> 00:50:12,164
Oh, brother. Come on.
724
00:50:12,240 --> 00:50:15,164
We were just heading out for some ramen.
We have a babysitter.
725
00:50:15,280 --> 00:50:16,805
I'll leave these with the doorman.
726
00:50:16,880 --> 00:50:19,770
- Pete, really, I should-
- It's Valentine's Day, asshole.
727
00:50:19,840 --> 00:50:21,444
Come join us.
728
00:50:31,880 --> 00:50:33,609
Ooh! Ha!
729
00:50:42,480 --> 00:50:44,323
Um-
730
00:50:44,400 --> 00:50:47,051
I... found this in your trash.
731
00:50:47,120 --> 00:50:49,088
What is this?
732
00:50:52,840 --> 00:50:55,810
This is the guy
you're always talking about?
733
00:50:57,360 --> 00:50:59,010
Mmm.
734
00:50:59,080 --> 00:51:01,731
I know something about lovin' people...
735
00:51:01,800 --> 00:51:04,451
who aren't smart enough
to wanna be loved back.
736
00:51:04,520 --> 00:51:07,569
But I learned a secret
that I can tell you.
737
00:51:07,640 --> 00:51:09,802
They don't deserve it.
738
00:51:14,320 --> 00:51:17,449
He's ruined this day for me forever.
739
00:51:17,520 --> 00:51:20,091
Nobody knows that we're not together.
740
00:51:20,160 --> 00:51:22,970
Yeah. But you do.
741
00:51:30,000 --> 00:51:32,446
I do. I do know.
742
00:51:39,120 --> 00:51:41,043
You know what is crazy?
743
00:51:41,160 --> 00:51:44,687
I still wanna believe
in all of this stuff...
744
00:51:44,760 --> 00:51:47,923
even after everything that's happened.
745
00:51:49,560 --> 00:51:51,722
Isn't that sad?
746
00:51:51,800 --> 00:51:53,609
Oh, no.
747
00:51:53,680 --> 00:51:56,047
I think that's brave.
748
00:51:57,360 --> 00:51:59,249
Thank you.
749
00:52:12,920 --> 00:52:14,809
Seriously.
750
00:52:14,880 --> 00:52:18,521
Do you think
I should get fake tits?
751
00:52:20,640 --> 00:52:23,689
Yeah. Probably.
752
00:52:31,680 --> 00:52:33,921
Asshole.
753
00:52:36,120 --> 00:52:38,566
You know what gets me?
754
00:52:38,640 --> 00:52:43,441
We're wasting the best years
of our lives in here.
755
00:52:43,520 --> 00:52:46,683
Like, our tits are
never gonna look better.
756
00:52:46,760 --> 00:52:50,401
Our asses are never gonna look better.
757
00:52:50,520 --> 00:52:52,887
You know, no one's touching my ass.
758
00:52:52,960 --> 00:52:55,088
No one's kissing my lips.
759
00:52:56,360 --> 00:52:57,850
Shit.
760
00:52:58,840 --> 00:53:00,842
I'll kiss your dumb lips.
761
00:53:07,760 --> 00:53:09,285
Do it again.
762
00:53:30,640 --> 00:53:33,723
No. No.
763
00:53:35,240 --> 00:53:36,765
Come here.
764
00:54:00,840 --> 00:54:04,242
Yo, P., come and show these fools how
to cabbage patch for real.
765
00:54:04,320 --> 00:54:05,560
Nah, I'm good.
766
00:54:05,640 --> 00:54:08,007
- Man, don't act like everything fine.
- Yo!
767
00:54:08,080 --> 00:54:11,448
I don't interrupt you when you going to
town on a bunch of spaghetti. Damn.
768
00:54:11,560 --> 00:54:15,326
Yo, why don't you head on back
to old Erykah Badu over there?
769
00:54:16,960 --> 00:54:18,689
I'm gonna forget you said that.
770
00:54:18,760 --> 00:54:21,843
I don't give a fuck
what you forget or remember.
771
00:54:22,960 --> 00:54:25,850
Aw, shit. Great. Thanks a lot, man.
772
00:54:32,840 --> 00:54:34,365
Poussey.
773
00:54:36,640 --> 00:54:38,847
Hey!
774
00:54:39,680 --> 00:54:41,170
Hey!
775
00:54:41,240 --> 00:54:43,049
- Well?
- We're not leaving.
776
00:54:43,120 --> 00:54:45,282
- Talk to the Americans.
- Fuck you.
777
00:54:45,360 --> 00:54:48,921
Fuck you, man. This is your doing. You.
778
00:54:49,000 --> 00:54:51,844
Been drinking, little girl?
779
00:54:51,920 --> 00:54:54,685
You don't get to decide
what happens to my life.
780
00:54:54,760 --> 00:54:56,683
Not you.
781
00:54:56,760 --> 00:54:58,728
I love her.
782
00:55:01,880 --> 00:55:04,611
And that is why you're going home.
783
00:55:07,880 --> 00:55:10,531
I'm done. I'm not going anywhere.
784
00:55:16,280 --> 00:55:18,442
Pardon us, Oberstleutnant.
785
00:55:20,200 --> 00:55:22,089
Enjoy your ice cream.
786
00:55:22,160 --> 00:55:23,844
You know, there are programs...
787
00:55:23,920 --> 00:55:28,562
that can change your daughter's...
confused predilections.
788
00:55:29,760 --> 00:55:31,250
Thanks.
789
00:55:32,160 --> 00:55:33,685
But she's fine.
790
00:55:57,880 --> 00:55:59,530
Fun party.
791
00:55:59,600 --> 00:56:02,922
A party with no men,
booze, real food or drugs.
792
00:56:03,000 --> 00:56:05,890
Good thing we're too old for any trouble.
793
00:56:07,040 --> 00:56:08,690
Right.
794
00:56:08,800 --> 00:56:10,450
How's the gardening going?
795
00:56:14,360 --> 00:56:18,445
Once the thaw comes,
we'll really get going.
796
00:56:18,560 --> 00:56:21,131
Now, I'd ask you to join, but...
797
00:56:22,120 --> 00:56:24,885
you clearly have your own hobbies.
798
00:56:24,960 --> 00:56:27,770
We gotta have people.
799
00:56:27,840 --> 00:56:31,128
You know this will not end well.
800
00:58:06,000 --> 00:58:08,002
What about you, Chapman?
801
00:58:09,440 --> 00:58:12,364
It's like coming home after a long trip.
802
00:58:17,680 --> 00:58:19,682
That's what love is like.
803
00:58:22,680 --> 00:58:24,409
It's like coming home.
804
00:58:28,200 --> 00:58:29,770
Thanks for asking.
805
00:59:42,200 --> 00:59:50,200
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