All language subtitles for Orange Is The New Black S02E04 A Whole Other Hole (1080p x265 Joy)

[cell door slams]

[theme song playing]

[cell door slams]

[cell door slams]

[pants]

[grunts]

Shit.

[sighs]

[exhales]

[grunts]

Oh! Sorry, Miss Rosa. It's colder
than an Eskimo's nuts in here!

I'm trying to get the heat going,
but when I turn it up too high,

a real bad smell comes out of the blowers.

I think it's mouse shit. You
know, they live in the engine.

Just don't breathe in.

I'm going to get poison
pumped into my veins.

What's a little mouse shit in my lungs?

Ha!

All set? Seat belts on.

How's wedding planning going?

We're holdin' off for a minute.
Just pressin' the pause button.

Too many people wanna come,
you know? I got a big family.

Big, number-wise, not big fat.
Although, there are some fatties.

And it's hard for me to book
all the vendors from in here.

You know, none of 'em are
on my approved call list.

Weddings were bad luck for
me. All my husbands died.

How many were there?

Two. The third one I wouldn't marry.

Once you know you got a curse
on you, you can work around it.

He lives in Canarsie.

I didn't know that. You
never talk about your life.

[scoffs] Nobody cares.

How much time you got left?

More than two years.

You're still young, pretty. You
got your whole life ahead of you.

Me?

I'm gonna die here.

- Where the heck have you been?
- [children chattering]

At the movies.

Perfect. In the middle of
the day. What'd you see?

- Twilight.
- For what, the 14th time? [Scoffs]

Don't you live the fuckin' life of leisure?

Hey, Noise Pollution One and Two,
I'm trying to watch my program here.

And send those kids outside.

- Mikey, turn it up.
- [bell ringing]

Ma's been ringing her bell for an hour.

What am I, Cinderella?

It is your turn! I cleaned her sheets
this morning. Piss and everything.

- [bell continues ringing]
- [Lorna] Oh!

Watch your baby, would you? It's
a miracle he's lived this long.

Ugh!

Hey!

[mother] Lorna! Lorna!

That you?

[sighs]

[sighs]

All right.

Hello. Yes. I purchased
a pair of shoes from you.

Order 1-1-0-0-6-1-7-8, a pair of
patchwork platform Pradas. Uh-huh.

Yeah, I can see that my card has been
charged, but I never received them.

No, I haven't moved. Yeah!
That's the address I gave you.

No... I'm not accusing you
of not having sent them,

but the fact is they never came.

Yes, yes, it is unfortunate,
'cause I had this big party to go to

and I had to wear last season's Miu Miu's.

Hmm.

No. No, I don't want another pair.

I want a refund. Yeah,
that's right. A full refund.

Uh-huh.

Aw, thank you for your
honesty, I really appreciate it.

Yes. Yes, I do have my card number.

[Vee] Check this bitch out.

I'm surprised she doesn't get
a shot for putting on that face.

[chuckles]

If the cop's in a bad mood, she does.

I'm seeing a lot of blue
eye-shadow and red lipstick.

It's not coming out of commissary.
Who's importing around here?

Oh, not really a lot of
contraband these days.

Hey! Not since Red got shut down.

- Red, huh?
- Mmm-hmm.

Well, that figures.

Still, there's gotta be
some holes in this cheese.

Somebody is bringing in something.

Well, Poussey makes hooch. Oh!
And Chang, she got that Tiger Balm,

but don't put it on your lips,
or your eyeballs. Bad idea.

- Hooch, huh?
- Mmm-hmm.

Shit tastes nasty. It's
like vomit wine coolers.

Yo... It's got Kool-Aid, old
fruit, ketchup, and moldy bread.

She sells that?

I can't drink it. Makes me feel
funny, makes my head all fuzzy.

[Black Cindy] You still
carting that shit around?

You one determined mo-fo.

What the fuck is that?

- It's a pee funnel.
- A what?

I'm tired of trying to pop a
squat over them nasty-ass toilets.

This rig is gonna make it easy.

Girl, that's crazy. How you gonna use that?

Yo, with this, I can pee
standing up. Like a dude.

Take this part, put it over my stuff.

Take this little tube
part, put it in the toilet.

Or, you know what I'm saying,
right over it. It's genius, yo!

I'm gonna call it the "stand and deliver."

Hey! You should call the patent office
right now and make a million dollars.

Really?

Hell, no! That's the
stupidest idea I ever heard.

No, it ain't, man. Them toilets
be cold as fuck in the morning.

You'll see. Everybody gonna be
wanting one of these to piss in.

Please. We're eating.

Yeah, I just gotta find me some
waterproof tape or something

to get these two parts together.

I don't see why you need the funnel.

Like, can't you just
put the tube up in you?

Uh, no. 'Cause that's not
where the pee comes out.

Uh, yeah, it do.

- Out of the big hole.
- Yeah.

No, y'all. There's a different hole.

- For pee?
- [Poussey] Yeah.

- What? You crazy.
- [Taystee] Uh-uh.

Y'all, there is the main coochie hole

and then there's, like, another
little hole just for pee.

- Nah!
- Nah!

Didn't y'all take Sex Ed?

She's right. There's an
eeny-meeny-weeny-weeny pee hole.

Man, you trippin'. It all come
out the same hole. The vagina hole.

All right, then how come you can still
pee when you got a tampon in? Mmm?

- I'm telling you, there's two holes.
- [Crazy Eyes chuckles]

Three holes.

The butt.

All right. You are all disgusting. I'm out.

I am not even gonna
entertain this conversation.

Suzanne! You coming?

[man speaking indistinctly on PA]

Put my order in.

[laughs]

I am so confused. Where is it at?

Yo, I still don't see what
the hell you talkin' about!

You know, your hole, like, your sex hole.

[Taystee] The vagina
hole. Yeah, I got that.

Y'all are crazy.

Man, I wish I had a
phone to record this shit.

Now, look underneath your
clit, before the main hole.

Or like, just inside the top of it.

Man, I still can't see shit down here.

It's like too many, like,
flappy-flap thingies.

- Oh, God.
- How do you know all this?

Yo, I've been up close and
personal with my share of pussy.

Yeah, you want me to just show you?

No! No, no, no. I can do
it. Just, just tell me where.

Okay, right inside the big ol' hole
there's another hole. Like, a little one.

Wait, what? I thought you
said it was a whole other hole.

It's a hole in a hole.

For the love of God, girls,
the hole is not inside the hole.

You have your vagina proper,
then you have your clitoris.

The urethra is located between the clit
and the vagina, inside the labia minora.

- For real?
- For real.

I designed one myself. Had
plans drawn up and everything.

I seen some funky punani in my day.

I'm not gonna leave that shit up to chance.

Here. Take a long look, honey.
You'll see what I'm talking about.

[Taystee sighs]

[gasps]

Oh, my God. Holy shit!

Yo, y'all, she's right.

Aw! It's cute.

- Hey! I'm next!
- Yeah! Me, too.

[Poussey] You know, I gotta see
this shit! [Taystee] Yo! Back up!

Nichols! What the fuck? Why
you pickin' all the peaches?

- I have no idea what you're talking about.
- Yes, you do.

Hascowitz? I've been trying to get
bumper-to-bumper with that for a month.

And now, she feels used

and doesn't wanna sleep around
because you got there first.

Ah. Used, eh?

She wasn't exactly new when I rode in
her, eh? A little dented actually, right?

The upholstery was worn.

You knew I was after that.

Well, what can I say? Not
everyone wants a diesel dyke.

Lay off my marks.

[scoffs]

Seriously. Enough with the
cliterference. What's this?

Oh! Put that back, please.
Would you give it back?

Who is Brook? Oh, yeah.
That's the new girl, isn't it?

Hot one of the Asian persuasion?

Oh, my God! I found your fuck book?

Right. So what if it is?

Oh, you fuckin' junkie.

- All right.
- No, I get this.

Better pussy than smack. Right?

It's not an addiction. It's
a collection, all right?

Some people collect buttons or Taco
Bell Chihuahuas, I collect orgasms.

See, I'm all about giving.

Look, I am like a
bean-flicking Mother Teresa.

You know what? This here
is my kind of competition.

- [chuckles]
- It's on. Ooh! Bitch, this is on!

[chuckles]

So, what's the deal with Miss Rosa?

I mean, I know they say she
has cancer and everything,

but are they sure it's not alopecia?
And what's the deal with this room?

Is everyone in here, like,
new or sick or just old?

I mean, I can't believe how many
old people there are in here.

Like, what did they do
that they're still in here?

Like, what did she do?

None of your fuckin'
business, you mental patient.

But seriously, have they all been
in here since, like, the '70s?

No, most of them got transferred
up from Max for good behavior.

Wow. It is crazy to think about how
many years they spend in here, you know?

I mean, I've been arrested
before, like loads of times.

When they cleared out Zuccotti Park,
I spent three whole days in a cell.

But that was jail and this is prison.

They're pretty much the same thing.

No, they're not. Your
parents pick you up from jail.

Take out her batteries, would ya?
I'm trying to take a nap over here.

Chapman, Soso, happy day in cell
block A, you are being assigned.

Oh.

Wait, did we do something wrong?

No. We're getting our bunks.

Oh, cool beans. [Gasps] Oh, my God,
does that mean we're gonna be roomies?

Just so you know, I do
snore sometimes, so...

But only if I'm on my
back or if I have a cold.

So, just tell me to roll
over, and I totally will.

- [O'Neill] Morning, Officer Bell.
- O'Neill.

Wow. I didn't expect the
bunks to feel so dorm-y.

It kind of reminds me of camp, you know?

Except without the gimp bracelets
and the archery and kind of sad.

What a bunch of vultures.

[man speaking indistinctly on PA]

Wait, did you just steal that book?

It's mine. I'm reclaiming it.

Chapman, in here. Soso, follow me.

We're not together?

[mouthing] Thank you.

[Brook] Did you go to summer camp?

It was seriously, like,
the best time of my life.

Hi, Red.

Oh, no, honey, you're not in here.

Looks like I am.

[woman speaking indistinctly on PA]

Can I move some of this stuff?

No, you may not.

Can I have a few of those hooks then?

I need all four of them. They're mine.

What are you gonna do? Not feed me?

I have a mealy bug infestation.

They secrete this powdery wax
substance. It's a bitch to get off.

- You gave me a roommate.
- Yes, I did.

I haven't had a bunkie in 12 years.

We don't get special privileges

when we turn our prison assignment
into a drug smuggling operation.

You know that was never my game.

Sure, pin it on a guy who's
not here to defend himself.

He was counting on that.

You got too big for your britches,
Red. We all turned the other way.

You were bringing in
pantyhose and nail polish.

Seemed harmless, kept the ladies happy.

And Healy, he had his head
shoved so far up your ass

he could chew your food for you.

So frankly, I don't give a shit
whether it was you or somebody else.

You let drugs in here.

A girl died because of you.

"A small leak can sink a great ship."

- You know who said that?
- No.

Neither do I. But I can't
have leaky holes in my prison.

Nothing coming in, nothing going out.

Welcome to retirement, Red.

Get a hobby, crochet yourself a
fucking hammock for all I give a shit.

Use a mixture of garlic,
vinegar and hot pepper sauce.

It's a natural insecticide.

[tires squeal]

Park in the garage and
I'll see you in three hours.

I know the drill.

[handcuffs clicking]

I hate this part.

Poor you.

[romantic song playing on radio]

♪ Almost paradise ♪

♪ We're knockin' on heaven's door ♪

♪ It's almost paradise ♪

♪ How could we ask for more? ♪

[starts engine]

- Oh! Oh, my goodness, I am so sorry!
- Oh! Oh!

[Christopher] No, that
was me. Please, please.

No! Oh, my God, I'm such a klutz.

Not at all. Just looks like you
could use a couple more arms.

[both chuckle]

Here you go.

Wow. I heard the postal
service was going bankrupt.

But it looks like you're
personally gonna turn that around.

Well... I do... I do what I can.

Yeah, a true patriot, huh?

Oh, yeah! I love my country.

Either that or you're running a mail scam.

Yes. Oh!

Here, let me help you with that.

Thank you. Thank you...

Uh, Christopher.

- Christopher.
- Yeah.

I'm sorry. You look like somebody.

I'm Lorna Morello.

Beautiful and Italian.
Today must be my lucky day.

[chuckles]

Well, Miss Morello, after you're done
cleaning this place out of postage,

maybe I could take you for a coffee?

I would love that, Christopher.

[woman speaking indistinctly on PA]

Thank you.

[indistinct conversations]

Well, if it isn't the wily
inventress of Litchfield

about to make a fortune for herself.

Ah, you know it.

Yo, but I'm thinking of changing the name.

What do you think about the "she-wee"?

No, I'm talking about your other
little side business. Pruno.

Oh, my hooch? That's just
for fun. There's no charge.

The girls would pay for it.

I mean, but that ain't the point.
I make it for me and my friends.

Yeah, but you're missing an opportunity.

Besides, I got me a killer recipe.

We could compare notes,
tweak it a little bit.

Charge by the cup.

Hell, we could charge by the sip.

Um, naw. That ain't my bag. Sorry.

[man speaking indistinctly on PA]

How are you feeling? You look better.

You want to keep a burn from scarring?

Mix some lemon juice with
Vaseline, apply it every day.

What do you want?

I want you to stop sulking. I
never meant for you to get hurt.

I did it for the good of the family.

It's not good enough, Red. No.

Fine.

[woman speaking indistinctly on PA]

[woman speaking indistinctly on PA]

May I sit here?

Of course, dear.

Tell that man at the end of
the table to stop winking at me.

Don't watch her eat.
It'll drive you insane.

She'll finish that soup next Monday.

This is not looking right.

Because you stitch too tight.

Make a gauge swatch like I told
you and count your stitches,

you won't have that problem.

We have a crochet circle
if you'd like to join.

I don't crochet. But that sounds very nice.

Oh, it's boring as hell. But
what else have we got to do?

What happened to my pants?

The ones you're wearing?

You just work on that soup there, Jimmy.

Like a liquefied bowl of Jell-O.

I can hear you, you old cunt.

[sighs]

[man speaking indistinctly on PA]

Fuck these bitches.

No, I'm not done reading that!

Everybody dies.

[sighs]

- This is mine.
- No, it ain't.

Then why does it have my inmate
number carved in the back?

Eh! [Clicks tongue] Fine, Inspector Gadget.

Inspector Gadget was not a good detective.

He just had a lot of stuff.

Plus he had Penny and
the Brain helping him.

You best get the fuck out now.

This is unbelievable. You, too?

None of us thought you were coming back.

Really?

It ain't about you. I like the beach.

Keep it.

That's my blanket.

No, this is Miss Claudette's blanket.

It's mine. We've talked about
this, and I'm taking it back.

[gasps] Really? And how do you
suppose you're going to do that?

I don't wanna have to
get physical with you.

Oh, please! I could snap your femur
like a toothpick, twiggy. Fuck off.

Piper! There you are. Hi.

Um, so, I heard tonight is movie night,

and I don't have headphones
yet, so I went to...

Hey! What's your name?

Um, so, anyway, I guess
I just don't understand

this Chinese lady at the commissary.

Is she Chinese? I don't wanna
presume. She could be a Malay.

Not now, Brook.

Okay, should I meet you out here?

I'm busy. Go back to your cube. Now.

Okay, yeah!

[mouthing] Bye!

[chuckles]

[snorts] Looks like you
got yourself a pet kitten.

Oh, I just wanna put her in a bag of rocks
and dump her at the bottom of the lake.

[chuckles]

Hey... You really want that blanket?

Maybe we could work out a trade?

All this pee hole business... Like,
what the fuck else don't I know?

I been living all these years and never
even looked at my own damn vajayjay.

What other surprises my
body gonna spring on me?

I mean, have you looked at these feet ever?

Like, I don't wanna scare you,

but I'm not sure if this one
right here's a toe. [Laughs]

- Shut up.
- Nah! The little one, it don't look right.

Could be a pencil eraser,
old piece of jerky...

Oh, leave my feet alone!

Yo, I'm done anyway.

Check out my masterpiece.

- [Poussey chuckles]
- What? That's a hot-ass mess.

It's abstract, yo!

You only supposed to paint
the nail, not the skin! Fuck!

Look, all innovators have
their work criticized at first.

Appreciation will come. I'll give you time.

I already have time.

Time and a shit pedicure.

No! Stop! You're gonna mess it up!

- Stop!
- I'm bigger than you, bitch!

I hate tickling! No! No!
Uncle! Uncle! I can't breathe!

I'm sorry, P.

We've been through this.

I know.

- I'm not...
- I know.

Maybe we could cuddle for a minute?

Yeah.

Go back. You can still go back.

[panting]

[engine revs]

[woman speaking indistinctly on PA]

[video game music playing]

That looks like fun.

[clears throat] So, how
long you been in treatment?

Listen, I've gotta sit
here for the next two hours,

and I don't really feel like
talking to some old bald lady.

So can we just, like, pretend I'm not here?

I was gonna tell you a joke.

I'm good, thanks.

[beeps]

Yo, Nurse! Do you have an iPhone charger?

No, sorry.

Oh, my God! This is bullshit.

[sighs]

- What's your joke?
- Too late.

Whatever. I'm sure it's stupid.

So, the doctor says to the patient,

"I got bad news and some more bad news.

"The bad news is, you got
cancer." "And the more bad news?"

"You also got Alzheimer's disease."

So, the patient thinks for
a minute, and then she says,

"Well, at least I don't have cancer!"

I don't get it.

I'm not gonna explain
it to you. Figure it out.

I'm gonna grab a soda
from the vending machine.

- Would you like anything?
- I'd love a Pepsi.

Don't tell anyone.

Who's that? Is she your daughter?

She's a correctional officer.

- Prison guard?
- [smacks lips] Exactly.

Wait. So you're not a...

Are you? For serious?

I thought those were just, like,
comfy old lady chemo clothes.

What'd you do?

Robbed a bank.

You're lying. No way.

Google me.

All right. Come on, tell me about it.

You want the first time or the last?

The first time was in 1982...

[tires screech]

[engine shuts off]

Fuck it.

[glass cracking]

[gasps]

[sobs]

[sniffles]

[sighs]

Hmm. Trash. Trash.

[sniffs]

Hmm? This too much for the Jersey shore?

Not if you're gonna walk the boardwalk
looking to make some extra cash.

Uh, it's Dolce & Gabbana, you nut.

How the heck are you
paying for all this stuff?

I get good deals. I'm a savvy shopper.

And Christopher likes
me to look sophisticated.

He says I'm like Audrey Hepburn.

Besides, this is our first
weekend away together.

- And we're staying somewhere fancy.
- Where?

I don't know. He has
the whole time planned.

He is gonna take me on a sailboat,

and then we're gonna ride the
Wildwood Ferris Wheel at sunset.

I can't believe I met
a guy like this, Franny.

You should bring him over for dinner.

What, to meet Ma and
everybody? Are you crazy?

I don't want him getting
scared off, okay? He's the one.

You don't know if he's the
one until he's met the family.

It's like a test.

He don't need a test,
okay? He's my destiny.

And I'm telling you,
it was like the movies.

Like, you know, in Notting Hill where
Hugh Grant bumps into Julia Roberts

and he spills his orange juice on her?

That's what happened to us. We
crashed into each other. Literally.

[scoffs] I mean, Franny,
it was meant to be.

[sniffs]

You look cute in that dress.

Like Pretty Woman?

[chuckles] Yeah, like Pretty Woman.

Bastards! They grow as fast
as bamboo. It's an invasion.

You know, I get them, too.

Well, most of the time they're
blonde, and they are soft,

but every once in a while,

I do get one that is black and spiky,

and if you don't catch it in time,

all of a sudden it's like two feet long

and it's growing right out
of the side of your face,

like this giant, pubey, lady beard hair.

[scoffs]

You know, I get one right
here. Larry called him "Spike."

[Red] How is he?

Spike? Well, he's just
starting up, but I can feel him.

- The husband.
- Oh.

I don't know. We don't talk. No letters.

I used to get two a week.

In fact, this week, all I got
was a card from my grandmother.

My friends aren't feeling
too prolific these days.

I'm sure he told them what a
horrible, evil cheater I am.

And it's not like I'm in any
position to defend myself.

Nobody has any idea what to say to me.

People are fickle fucks.

You know, the thing is, I don't blame them.

I don't even blame him,
ultimately. I was selfish.

You have to be selfish in
here. That's how you survive.

People's loyalty means nothing.

Because the second you're not
useful to them, you're out.

You think that's why
your girls turned on you?

Is that what you heard?

No. I've just noticed that
you've been flying solo lately.

My friendship used to come with perks.

Now I'm just an angry old Russian lady.

Without the free stockings and eyeliner,
I'm not quite the draw I used to be.

And take it from me, Chapman,
husbands are overrated.

They're as useless as
children. Count yourself lucky.

If it was meant to last, it would have.

Here. For Spike.

[man speaking indistinctly on PA]

He cried nonstop. By 4:00 a.m., I
was ready to smother him with a Boppy.

I know, that's really dark,

but I'm all alone until the
new baby nurse comes at 7:00!

And then she leaves at 3:00! Fucking Pete.

You know, what if I went off to Alaska?

Just, "Peace out! I'm off to kayak
and pretend I'm fucking Bear Grylls,

"'cause we spawned this
symbolic end of childhood

"and I can't handle it
because I'm fucking Peter Pan."

My therapist is an idiot,
misogynistic piece of shit.

You should go. Seriously, just go,
you know, kayak with the Lost Boys.

I'll keep this little monkey,
breast-feed him, raise him as my own,

along with the baby
nurse from 7:00 to 3:00.

She's not hot. She's got a
wonky eye and bad acne scars.

And she's in her 50s.

But she makes these amazing plantains
and sings him Jimmy Cliff songs.

Sold.

You're the only one who'll
still hang out with us.

Everyone swears they'll still
come around, but they don't.

How old is the baby?

Uh, ten weeks.

Congratulations. Oh, you're
such an attractive family.

Oh...

Thank you. Yeah, we...

You know, despite the blond
hair, she still swears he's mine.

What's his name?

Hampus. [Clears throat] Hampus
Renselor. It's an old family name.

It's beautiful, isn't it? Little Hampy.

How long have the two of you been married?

Long time. We got married
on the Circle Line.

In front of the Statue of Liberty.
It was beautiful. Huge wedding.

- Did you meet in the city?
- Oh, we... Yeah, we sure did.

At a Star Trek convention. Yeah,
we were both dressed as Klingons.

It's a passion of ours.

I knew right away she was the one.

Well, enjoy. You're perfect
together, it's very clear.

[chuckles]

Hampus. It's not half bad, actually.

There might still be time to
change the birth certificate.

"Little Hampy."

[Gloria] Blanca, careful with that box.

How many do we have in there?

[grunting]

[sighs]

[mouse squeaking]

Mmm...

[moans]

[male judge] Please let the record show

that the witness has
indicated the defendant.

Proceed, counselor.

Please tell the court how you happen
to know the defendant, Lorna Morello.

We went on one date.

I met her at the post
office and we had a coffee.

[lawyer] And that was the
extent of your relationship?

I wasn't interested in
pursuing things further.

I told her that. Very clearly.

And did Miss Morello continue to
contact you after this initial date?

Relentlessly. Phone calls,
Facebook messages, texts, emails.

She showed up at my house.

Did you make it clear to her
that these advances were unwanted?

I did. And then I began receiving threats.

Now, Mr. MacLaren, did you take any
action to prevent these advances?

I changed my phone number, my
email account, and I moved twice.

Each time, she found me.

When I started dating my
current girlfriend, Angela,

she showed up in Atlantic City,
where we'd gone for the weekend.

She left notes on my car,
she threw trash on my lawn,

she left voicemails yelling about how
I wasn't helping enough with the dog.

I don't even have a dog.

And then she threatened to strangle Angela.

And that's when I got a restraining order.

[lawyer] Did she ever make
an attempt on your life?

Yes. We found a homemade explosive
device under Angela's car.

Oh, he's being so dramatic.
They're twisting this whole story.

Oh, sorry.

[lock clicking]

[door closes]

[Christopher] Hey, Angela. Angela? Babe?

Look at this. There's
glass all over the floor.

[Christopher] Hello?

Is anyone in here?

[engine starts]

[knocking on door]

You were right, Caputo.

- About?
- I'm tired.

I'm getting old. It's a new
phase of life. Time to pack it in.

I'm glad to hear it.

I'm officially one of
the Golden Girls, hmm?

I sit with them at lunch.

They've even asked me to
join their craft circle.

What are you doing in my office?

You told me to find a hobby,
and that's exactly what we need.

Especially the old ladies. The
rest of the women here have work.

There's no programs for those
who've been put out to pasture.

What do you suggest? Aquarobics?

- I hear gardening is very therapeutic.
- It is.

It lowers stress, helps with depression.

There's something about actually
putting your fingers in the dirt,

nurturing something to life.

I've read it can be very healing.

People who do three hours of gardening
a week actually live longer. It's a fact.

That old shed we use on grounds
crew, it used to be a greenhouse, no?

Mmm-hmm.

Wouldn't be so hard to clean
it out, bring it to life.

Let the old codgers tinker around.

There's even a place to put your little
plants, besides your office window.

From the look of them, they're
not getting the sun they need.

What do you get out of it?

I get to boss people around again.
Even if it is a bunch of fossils.

Fig would never go for a new program.

It wouldn't cost much.

Bring me a budget. Seeds, soil,
everything spelled out on paper.

I'll see what I can do.

[tires squeal]

- I'm so sorry!
- For what?

I just... I fell asleep. I
don't know what time it is.

No worries. We just finished.
You're right on time.

[Rosa grunts]

You okay, Morello?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine,
fine. How did it go, Rosa?

[Rosa coughs]

Maybe you should just drive.

[Rosa groans]

[starts engine]

[Rosa coughs]

I always thought it was one pooter hole
and a couple of different holes off of it,

like a cave system or something.

Now, see, sometimes my pee
comes out like a sprinkler.

Like, it's not a steady
stream. It's more like...

like a mini shower head.

Are you listening to this?

It's the talk of the town. The
wonders of the female anatomy.

You know, someone needs to
get these women a medical book.

This is ridiculous.

Do you know?

I mean... generally.

Remember when that was you, Chapman?

A lost little kumquat
looking for a place to sit.

What's she in for?

Some kind of political protest.

You know, the two of you
might have a lot to talk about.

I doubt that.

These bogus bohemian babies have no
idea what a non-violent direct action is.

Dirty, fake hippies.

Wow. Someone's got some issues.

Brook! Right here!

Please don't do that. She's a gabber.

Shall we adjourn?

I think that's wise.

Oh, my God, I am so relieved.
I thought you were mad at me.

You're totally not mad at me, right?

- No, of course I'm not mad at you.
- [relieved sigh]

Thank God. Everyone in here is
in such a bad mood all the time.

I mean, like, I always
thought women's prison would be

more about community
and girl power and stuff.

But some of these women just seem crazy.

It can be a lot worse than that, Brook.

It can be seriously dangerous in here.

Don't kid yourself.

What do you mean?

You're a pretty girl. And
you're gonna be a target.

I know that I was.

You mean like rape?

Ooh, rape, assault, battery.

You need to find yourself a prison wife.

Somebody really tough. Somebody
nobody's gonna fuck with.

Did you do that?

All I'm saying is that one
night with the right protector

can keep you safe for
the rest of your sentence.

You mean you.

No. See, I'm not tough.

What you need is somebody
who inspires real fear.

You know, somebody who's kind
of man-ish and kind of bulky,

but tender at heart.

And there's not a lot of good
ones. Most of them are taken.

[clears throat] Hey, you two.
What are we talking about here?

Well, you know, I am
feeling so single today.

What's going on?

Nothing. Big Boo, this is Brook.
And, Brook, this is Big Boo.

Uh...

Is this some kind of game? I don't get it.

What is going on?

Could you suck any more at this?

I suck at this? I mean, look
at your ridiculous timing.

Clearly this is not working, so
can I just have my blanket back?

No! You didn't deliver.

Deliver what? Me?

I did my part.

[scoffs]

Were you trying to pimp me out?

She took my blanket.

It belonged to my roommate,
it meant a lot to me.

Plus, it is very fucking
cold in the dormitories.

You tried to sell me for a blanket?

Well, when you put it that way...

You are sick, you know that?

You are seriously fucked up.

You know, she's right, Chapman.
[chuckles] You're a horrible person.

[breathing heavily]

[sighs]

Hey, hey, what's the matter?

[sniffles]

You wanna talk about it?

[Brook moaning]

Oh, my God! Oh, wow!

You know, I've only ever done
this with one other girl before.

I think it was at Bonnaroo, and I made
out with the chick who painted my breasts.

[breathes heavily]

We were both wearing
these, like, big headdresses

and, like, The String
Cheese Incident was playing,

and we got up on stage and
we just started dancing.

You know, when I think back on it, I think
I probably ended up getting heat stroke

'cause the tent was like 1,000 degrees.

Oh! [Moans]

That feels good. [Chuckles]

Do you ever feel like you're in your body,

but you can really feel, like,
the space around you, like,

air suddenly becomes, like, really heavy,
and you can feel, like, the atmosphere,

and the molecules, just
hanging around your head.

And then, you feel this tingling...

- There we go.
- [grunts]

[Brook] Mmm.

Fucking String Cheese.

[grunts]

What?

[man speaking indistinctly on PA]

Where's your little cuddle bunny?

What?

I saw what went down in here.

You all cozied up with
your little girlfriend.

- I ain't gay.
- [chuckles]

Looked pretty gay to me.

We just friends.

Yeah? Just friends?

[sighs]

And you're lonely. You
wanna be touched. Need a hug.

Maybe even more than a hug.

Need all that drama of
someone to call your own.

Let me tell you something.

Gay-for-the-stay is for punk ass bitches

who aren't strong enough
to be true to themselves.

I told you, I ain't like that.

I know that. And I also know
that when you get out of here,

you don't want people on the block
talking about how you went that way.

That's why I'm telling you, do not
let her drag you into that shit.

She is not your real friend.
She is only your friend in here.

She doesn't know you like I do.

[sighs]

I can't really tell if
he's breathing on here.

Does he look dead to you?

[chattering on TV]

Yes. No.

No, he's asleep. He is blissfully asleep.

He's so cute, right?

When he's sleeping, he's perfect.

I loved playing house with you today.

I don't know if I'm ever gonna have that.

Yeah, you will. Shut the fuck up.

[sighs]

I don't want to go home.

Good. I don't want you to. You're
saving my life and my sanity.

Plus, you change diapers.

And I can pay you with
leftover Jamaican food.

Honestly, Larry, I really wouldn't have
made it through this week without you.

Thank you.

[laughing]

[Sophia] Now, don't be so juvenile,
ladies. Listen up and learn, okay?

Now, this is your vagina.
This is your labia minora,

this, this is your clitoris,
and this is your urethra.

This is where you pee from.

[inmates] Ah!

Now, ladies, I want each and every one
of you to go back to your bunks tonight

and get to know your own chachas, okay?

No fucking way. I got a mons pubis.

Yes, you do. And you also have a
labia majora and a clitoral hood.

Now for those of you who are having
trouble finding your clitoris,

or your partner is having
trouble finding your clitoris,

you might have to pull back
the clitoral hood to expose it.

Little known fact.

The day I use this ticket is
the day New York has beaten me.

You know, I just noticed
something. You're kind of a mess.

[Christy chuckles] Thank you.

[Brantley] Nah, I mean, did
anybody ever tell you that?

[Christy] You're the first.

Since when do they get all the best seats?

The reign of whitey is over.

[chuckles]

[sniffs]

I've never seen this movie before,

but this is some serious
capitalist propaganda.

I mean, why is that success?

- [sighs]
- Are we all supposed to wanna work

in a corner office and make
butt-loads of money? [Scoffs]

It's a total corporate agenda.

[mouthing] Asshole.

[mouthing] Yeah?

Yeah.

[sniffs] Hmm?

Oh, my... You know... [mutters]

Yo, the Spanish bitches are sitting
on too many freakin' pillows,

making it hard to see and shit.

[speaking Spanish]

What'd you call me?

Shit. In my day, the black
women would have done...

Yeah, yeah, we know. Y'all ran this place.

[exhales]

Shit, I missed, like, half
the movie. Where my seat at?

Sorry.

You didn't save me a seat?
You always save me a seat.

You know how people are.

What?

Maybe you should get here on time.

[clears throat]

[Brantley] I've done
a lot of stupid things.

[Christy] I bet you have.

[Brantley] But I have never, ever
been involved with a married man.

[Christy] Well, he was sort
of separated when we started.

Yeah, well, it turned out to be a lie.

The whole thing was a mistake. But
we live and we learn and we move on...

[inhales]

Are you okay?

I'm fine. I'm just...

I'm missing my fiancé, Christopher, is all.

Oh, honey. Deep breaths.

Time is all relative. You'll
be together before you know it.

And married. We'll be married.

Of course you will.

I've decided not to wear a
veil. It's too traditional.

And I want him to see my face.

Why hide it? It's gorgeous.

[romantic song playing]

- synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -