All language subtitles for Everybody.Hates.Chris.S04E05.Everybody.Hates.My.Man.DVDRip.XviD-SAiNTS

( upbeat theme playing )

CHRIS:
When I became
football team manager,

I learned
the first rule of sports:

When they're not playing,

athletes expect other people
to do things for them.

They expected you
to do easy things.

Hey, Chris.

Hit that pedal for me.

Ah, thanks, man.

I got any water
on my face?

They expected you
to do hard things.

Hey, Chris, put this back
in the weight room for me.

( grunts )

They expected you
to do ridiculous things.

Hey, Chris, could you
eat this for me?

I don't like it.

But mostly, they expected you
to do things they couldn'tdo.

Hey, Chris, I need
to talk to you, man.

What's up?

What's up is
Coach Thurman's gonna fail me.

Fail you?You're, like,
the best guy on the team.

All you have to do is show up
and it's automatic "A."

Why would he fail you?

Something about me
never showing up to class.

Look, he's trippin'.

I don't know why we need
to learn about history anyway.

What difference does it make
who won World War III?

It's over.

The Japanese won,

and now we
have Walkmans.

Thank God Italy
won World War IV

and we got pizza.

So, what you gonna
do about it?

It's not what I'm
gonna do about it,

it's what you're
gonna do about it.

I need you to do
my history assignments for me.

Man, this is a lot of work.

Come on, man,
I thought we were cool.

What am I gonna get out of it?

I'll owe you one.

You will?
Yeah.

Even though
doing Dickerson's work

was like taking an extra class,

I knew him owing me one
would be worth it.

All right, I'll do it.

* Pump up the volume
Pump up the volume *

My man.

* Dance, dance... *

( funky hip-hop theme playing )

* Oh, make it funky now *

When Dickerson said "my man,"

it was like making me
vice president.

It was the next best thing
to being him.

What's this?
It's your homework.

GIRL: Hi, Dickerson.
I summarized chapter three.

BOY: Dickerson!
It starts with the Magna Carta

and how it affected
the serfs in rural England.

GIRL: Hey.
My man!

That's it?

That's what?

I had expected a little more.

I thought by being cool
with Dickerson,

a whole new world
would open up...

in school...
That'll be a dollar.

Whoa, whoa.
His lunch is free.

That's my man.

...after class...

Give him your number.

That's my man.

( Dickerson laughs )

...even in the streets.

What do we have here?

Aw, look at that.

Hey, hey, don't arrest him.

That's my man.

Oh, my bad.

Excuse me.
Sorry.

There you go.

You got it.
No problem.

Good to
see you.

Yo. You're just gonna
knock my man's stuff

out of his hand
and not pick it up?

Sorry.

Caruso knows how
to say "sorry"?

Anyway, what'd you want?

Nothing.

My man.

Back at home,
I wasn't the only one

who needed
a new man on the job.

Oh! Excuse me, Mr. Julius.

Exactly the man
I was looking for.

Is everything all right?

Actually, I got
a bit of a situation.

You wouldn't know anyone
looking for a job, would you?

Me! Me!

I want a job! Me!

( laughs ):
Whoo!

I want a... Me!

What kind of job?

I mean,
I might be interested.

If my father had been a rapper,

his name would've been
Snoop Jobby-Job.

Don't you already have two jobs?

( chuckling ):
You want another one?

That's like
asking Amy Winehouse

if she wants another drink.

Well, what's the job?

Well, my assistant died today.

Oh, no. What happened?

Well, he went
to a dollar theater

to watch the movie Airplane,
when ironically,

a chemical toilet
fell out of an airplane,

crashed through the roof
and crushed him.

Tragic.

Tragic!

Anyway, I need a replacement.

What would I have to do?

Well, you know,
pickups, deliveries.

That's what I already do.

Well, all right, then,
you're hired!

( both laugh )

Uh, here you go.

Now, the van's out front.

What's this?

Oh, the address to the theater.

I need you to pick up
my dead assistant,

row J, seat 15.

And I believe

he's entitled to a refund,

so you keep that
as a signing bonus.

( laughing )

With a new job
and a signing bonus,

my father thought he had
been hit by a chemical toilet

and gone to Heaven.

Meanwhile, doing Dickerson's
work was killing me.

Yo, Chris.

You didn't finish that homework?

Oh, yeah. This is my homework.

I did yours last night.

There.

It's a complete time line
of the significant events

that led up
to World War I.

My man!

Hey, get me a sandwich.
Turkey with, uh,

cheese and mayo on it.

They don't have that today.

They got it across the street.

Cool.

( chuckling ):
My man!

Hey, Walter.
Hey, Carol. You hungry?

My man was just about
to get me a sandwich.

I'll take one.

Make that two.

Cool.

( chuckling ):
My man!

Dude,
just then, am I crazy,

or when Dickerson said "my man"
was he talking to you?

Yeah, he was talking to me.

That's awesome!

You're, like,
his number-two guy now.

It's like Chico and the Man,

My Man Godfrey,
Our Man Flint.

I can't even imagine.
The perks gotta be great.

Well, so far the only perk is

Caruso saw me earlier
and didn't punch me in the face.

What's up, Parish?
Hey, Bird.

So, what's up
with you and Dickerson?

You guys hanging out?

That's your man?
You're cool?

Basically, yeah.

Huh. What about you,

are you cool
with Dickerson, too?

Nah, just him.

Cool.
( blow lands )

Greg did a nice job
of waiting ten seconds

before crying.

After a full day
of hanging with Dickerson,

I was hung up at home, too.
Boy, put that away.

You got that much work,
you have to do it during dinner?

I have a lot this week.
I was up late last night.

I'm just trying
to get it done.

( singing conga rhythm )

( laughs, claps )

Hey, baby!

What's up, Chris?

Drew.

Pssh!

Baby girl.

Hey.

( groans ):
This smells good!

Whew!

Rochelle, did you do
something new with your hair?

I combed it.

It looks great.

Doesn't your mother's hair
look great?

KIDS:
I don't know.

Well, I think it looks great.

TONYA:
Can I get finger waves
in my hair?

You got finger wave money?

Uh, I could give
her finger waves.

All you need is
a perm kit, holding gel,

some gloves
and your fingers.

I don't think so, baby.

I'll give you ten dollars
if you need it.

You been drinking?

No. I just feel good today.

Dad, you said you'd
just pay for finger waves.

Did you get knocked

over your head
and forget you were broke?

( chuckles ):
No.

Did aliens kidnap you
and replace you with a rich guy?

No.
Can I get new earrings?

Sure.

What's going on with you?

What are you talking about?

You're singing
and dancing

and willing to pay

for finger waves
and earrings?

Are you leaving us
for a white woman?

No. It's just being
at this new job,

I'm with dead people
everywhere I go.

It just makes me feel like

I need to appreciate life
a little more.

Oh, this is good!

What is this, baby?

Vegetables.

You kids try this?

Chris, pass me
the big piece of carrot.

I don't know how you can stand

being around
all those dead people.

I love it.

It makes you realize
that life is short.

Anything can happen
at any time.

A toilet could fall
out of the sky and crush you.

A bus door

could clamp on your neck
and choke you.

A poisonous lizard could escape
from the zoo and bite you.

You could fall off a bridge
and drown.

And you could trip and fall
in front of a power mower

and be decapitated.

You could be smoking
a cigarette

and blow up while siphoning

( over phone ):
65 cents' worth of gas.

And you could eat some
bad coleslaw and get diarrhea

and die of dehydration.

You could step in a puddle

and be electrocuted
by a downed wire.

You could blow your nose
and startle a cat with rabies...

Okay, okay, we get it!

We can die at any time,

and you're happy!
That's right.

Ma, can I go?

I got to get to school.

Hold on.

Since I'm happy,
I want you all to be happy.

I bought you all
some presents.

You did what?

Drew, I got you a Kangol hat.

Ah, cool.

ROCHELLE:
Wait, wait, wait.

That thing is expensive.
Tonya,

I got you a Danny Glover
Witness Action Play Set.

You bought
your daughter

a gun?
It's just like the one

he wounded Harrison Ford with.
Thanks, Daddy!

They were out of
The Color Purple Play Set.

Chris, I got you

the heavy-duty garbage bag
with the quick ties

so they won't break
when you carry a heavy load.

Ah, 13-gallon.

I was wondering
how you were gonna top

the Danny Glover thing.
Julius, we have

bills to pay,
and you're giving out gifts?

What about the present
to the gas company,

the electric company,

the water company?

This is...

$47.92 that you just spent
on the kids!

Should my garbage bags
really count in that total?

Not just for the kids.

This is for you!

Oh! That's Armando Vermani!

I love
Armando Vermani!

It's all leather!

Oh, baby, this is beautiful!

I thought you were mad
because he was spendingmoney.

Girl, shut up
and go play with your gun.

Oh, I got to put this
in plastic!

I wasn't happy about
what I was getting at home...

( bell rings )
...and I was even less happy

about what was happening
at school.

What?!
I knew this was gonna happen.

Did you hear what she said?
Who? What?

We have a test tomorrow.

She went over all the stuff
today in class.

We do?

Dude, you're burning
the candle at both ends.

You can't do another guy's work

and still have time
for your own stuff.

It's like cheating
on a girlfriend.

If you've never had
a girlfriend.

I'm fine.
Dude, you're not fine.

Unless you want to
fail your classes,

you better tell Dickerson you're
not doing any more of his work.

Just calm down.
I-I can handle this.

Yeah, right after you finish
your nap?

I miss being able to nap
in the middle of the day.

CHRIS:
So far, all I had gotten
from doing Dickerson's work

was drool on my shirt.

I didn't know if things
would get any better,

so I decided to get out
before things got worse.

Dickerson, I need
to talk to you.

( scoffs ):
Yo, I need to talk to you.

Thurman pulled out
the big guns.

He said I need
to turn in an essay

on the aftermath of World War I.

And if I don't pull
at least a "B,"

yo, I won't play
in the next game.

An essay?

Yeah.
You know, like, 20-25 pages.

You can do that, right?

Yeah. That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

Dickerson, listen. Look, I...

Hi, Walter.
Hey, Chris.

Hey...Carol.

Uh, she's Carol.
I'm Carole with an "e."

A lot of people
make that mistake.

Oh. You didn't tell me
you had a sister.

I don't.

You're not twins?

No.
Why?

You're joking.

Now, why would they joke
about that?

They look exactly alike.

Hmm. You think so?

Man, you need glasses.

CAROL:
We were wondering

if you could
do us a favor.

( chuckling ):
Of course he can do you a favor.

Look, this is my man.

Chris, you wouldn't leave
my girls hanging, would you?

No.

Great. Here.

What's this?
Just some math.

It's easy.

Then why don't you do it?

Hey, well, look,
we're getting ready to go

eat lunch, my man.

You want to come?

Finally!
Yeah.

( laughing ):
Psyche!

Man, you ain't
got time to eat,

'cause you got to work,
but that was funny.

We'll catch you later,
all right?

Yeah.

My man.

At school,
things were getting ugly,

but to my father,
life was beautiful.

I don't know
what's got into you,

but I hope
it don't get out.

You know, James,
life is short.

I mean, one day, you could
pick your toenail and...

End up with a bad
viral infection

and have to get
your foot amputated.

We got it. Look, before you get
to the next scenario,

can I get that cash?
Oh.

Let's see. $175 right there.

Yeah.

$175?

What you gonna do
with all that?

I'm starting
an answering service.

All I have to do is
buy a couple of phones,

get some extra phone lines,
then I can make money

just by taking other people's
phone calls.

So it's like a human
answering machine.

Exactly.

You know, Julius,
I've been kind of depressed

since my father left us.

Can I get $20?

Sure. Here you go.

My man.

All right. Mmm.

Back at school, I went from
running around for Dickerson,

to running around
for everybody.

Hey, Chris.
Hey.

Dickerson said you could
do my algebra homework.

Hey, Chris!

Dickerson said
you'd wash my car for me.

Are you Christopher?

Yeah.

Dickerson said you can get the
devil out of this little girl.

( snarls )

While I had it hard,

my father became a soft touch.

Hey, I need $10 for gas.

Regular or premium?

Premium.

There you go.

( laughing ):
My man.

I need to get
my hair dryer fixed.

Just buy yourself a new one.

Ooh!

( grunts happily )

I need some ammo for my bazooka.

Anti-tank or anti-personnel?

( scoffs ):
Anti-tank, of course.

Oh, here you go.

Thank you.

Can you let me hold
some bail money?

Get yourself a lawyer, too.

Come on.
I didn't do nothing.

You're throwing money away.

No, I'm not, baby.

I'm spreading happiness.

That's the only real thing
you can do with life.

Who knows how much time
we have left?

I do!

We've got 18 years left
to pay off this house.

Three kids left
to put through school.

14 days left to pay off
last month's gas bill.

And you got one more bounce

before I shove that
ball down your throat.

That's my point, Rochelle.

I could be dead
before my threesies.

Julius, you have got
to quit this job.

I don't want to quit this job.

I want to be happy.

You want to be happy.

Okay, one question:
Do you want to be happy

or do you want to be married?

Why can't you have both?

Just kidding.

My dad wasn't the only one
who had to pay the piper.

I got an "A."
What did you get?

Wow an "F."

You think that stands
for "fantastic?"

You could've just said,
"I hate to say I told you so."

I told you so.

If smacking Greg is wrong,
I don't want to be right.

CHRIS:
After getting an "F,"

no matter what Dickerson said,

I knew it was time
to be my own man.

My man.

Hey, look,
I need you to do me

one of those summaries
again for my English class.

Dickerson,
I can't do this anymore.

I'm sorry.
What are you talking about?

I've been spending so much time
on your work,

I don't have time to do my work.

What are you trying to say?

I've been spending
so much time on your work,

I don't have time to do my work.

But I thought you was my man.

I was.

Hey, Dickerson,
he's not your man anymore?

No. I guess not.

( whistling )

I can't believe you came down
here after our conversation.

Rochelle, I know
you're concerned right now,

but if you knew how I felt,

you'd want me to keep
feeling this way.

OMAR:
Oh, hey, Ms. Rochelle.

Here's the address,
Mr. Julius.

Oh, by the say is it possible
to borrow $40?

Sure.

( money rustling )

I'll pay you back
next week.

Don't worry about it.

My man.

Bye, baby.
Bye, baby.

Have a good day.

Good man.

You got to fire him,

and you have to fire him today.

Why would I want to do that?

I've never seen a man
be so happy with his work.

He is throwing money away
like there's no tomorrow.

Well, there might not be
a tomorrow.

Well, if there is, you ain't
gonna have no place to live.

What you talking about?
Let me remind you

you're a tenant in our house.

If we lose our home,
you lose your--

He's fired.

( snatches money )
Thank you.

If you're keeping score,
that's happy: zero,

my mother: one.

Helping out Dickerson
was a bad idea,

and when I stopped,
it got even worse.

You wanted to see me?

Oh, yes. Yeah.

I have here Mr. Dickerson's
essay, in which he received

a grade of "B."

But I'm not so sure
he actually wrote this paper.

Why not?

Walter, who was in
World War I?

Um, Earth and Jupiter.

Now you see
why I'm not sure?

( laughs )

Maybe he forgot.

Forgot? Really? Forgot what?

Forgot who was in World War I,

or forgot to not sign
your name on his paper, hmm?

Or not do the whole thing
in your handwriting?

The two of you, huh?

You insult
my intelligence.

Maybe if I was blind,
you could turn this paper in

and say that he wrote it,

but I'm not blind. Hmm?

Do I look blind? Hmm?

Do I have black sunglasses
and a piano?!

Actually, he did.

* Whop ba ba lo bop
A lop bam boom *

* Tutti fruiti, oh, Rudy *

* Tutti fruiti
Oh, Rudy *

* Tutti fruiti, oh, Rudy *

* Whop ba ba lo bop
A lop bam boom *

You. You're suspended
from tomorrow's game.

Coach,
I'm not suiting up?

Oh, sure, you can suit up.

But do it at home.

And after you suit up,

I want you to write me an essay

on the events leading up
to World War II.

And you.

I know, detention.

Oh, no.
Detention is way too easy.

You turned your back on easy

when you did his paper,
Cool Breeze.

So, Lincoln goes through
all this trouble

to issue
the Emancipation Proclamation,

frees your people from slavery,
and what do you do?

you run around doing
other people's work for them.

You're killing me.

Et tu Kunta Kinte?

I'm sorry.
No. I'm sorry.

But I'm going to help you out.

Maybe Lincoln couldn't get
to you, but I can.

What are you going to do?

( laughing )

Wouldn't you like to know?

( laughs )

Oh, how was your day
with the dead people?

I got fired today.

( gasps ):
Fired?!

Yes, fired.
Fired? Are you kidding?

You've never been fired
a day in your life. Fired?

Yes, fired.
Fired. That is ridiculous.

Why would he do such a thing?

He said he wanted
a full-time person.

He said crack
was making his business boom.

Fired.
Oh, baby, and you were so happy.

That's true.

Seeing those bodies every day
was an epiphany for me.

Mm. Well, that epiphany
cost $867.42.

What?

That's when my father realized
epiphanies are expensive.

Man. Epiphanies are expensive.

Then he had another epiphany.

I'm never going to get
that money back.

Yes, you will.
I will?

I took all that stuff back.
And here.

No, baby, you can keep that.

Okay.
Hey, Dad.

Do you think Drew can borrow
one of your hats?

Hat?

Drew, get in here.

What the hell happened
to your head?

Before I gave Tonya
a finger wave,

I decided I'd try it on myself.

But I think I left the perm
in too long.

That's $10 worth of perm.

( indistinct announcement
over PA )

Do I really
have to do this?

Chris, you wanna work
for people?

You want to do what he does?

You do everything he does.

I want you to get out
on that field, and...

( widespread groaning )

( over PA ):
Rock broken up by number 72.

Where'd you go?
I wasn't done talking yet.

What I was saying was, I want
you do get out on that field...

* Everybody hates Chris *

( funky hip-hop theme playing )

* Oh, make it funky now *