All language subtitles for The Ladies Man (1961) 1080p BluRay x264 YTX.MX.en

[EXCITING JAZZ THEME PLAYS]

[SOFT FLUTE THEME PLAYS]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Mrs. Ross!
Good morning!

[SCREAMS]

[FRANTIC UPBEAT THEME PLAYS]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[GROANING AND PANTING]

Students, parents,
and beloved faculty,

it is now the time to introduce

a young man
who we are very proud as, uh--

I am very proud to know

as the valedictorian
of this class--

Herbert H. Heebert.

[SCREAMS]

I am very glad
that you choose me!

And that, ladies and gentlemen,

concludes our graduation
exercises.

[CHEERING]

HERBY:
Ma! Ma! Oh, Ma!

Ma! Ma!

Ma!
FATHER: Herbert!

Ma! Oh, Ma!
Ma!

Herbert!

Ma!

Oh, Herbert!

Herbert!

You scared me. I had to go
get my coat, I'm sorry.

Just think, Mother, Father,
today is the day.

Oh, I can't wait to go see Faith
and discuss our wedding plans.

Just think, tomorrow,
my childhood sweetheart

will be my aging wife.

I'll go get her
and I'll be back.

[SHOUTS]:
Faith! Faith!

Faith!

Oh, Faith.

[DREAMY HARP THEME PLAYS]

[GROANING]

Ma!

Ma!

[NO AUDIBLE SPEECH]

My life is shattered.

The girl I waited for
all my life didn't wait for me.

I'm going away from here.

From her and from girls.
I hate girls.

I'm gonna be a bachelor.

I'll be alone all my life.

Pa!

[CRYING]:
Why did this ever happen

to my Herbert?

Pa, Pa.
Ma, Ma.

I'll never hum again.

Oh, Philip, look what happened
to that child.

Oh, my baby.

Oh, my child.

Yes, and what can I
do for you?

Well, I'm answering
the ad in the paper

about the job
and I just--

Oh, goody!
Oh, goody, nothing.

You keep your hands
off me!

Oh,bonsoir, you are
the American for the job.

I love you,chéri.

What are you,
crazy, lady?

I'm safe!

Oh, I'm safe.
Oh, I'm so glad I'm safe.

I'm safe. You don't know
what I've been going through.

Now, we might as well
start with--

Oh, yes, oh,
what's your name?

Mine's Katie.

Actually, sometimes people
call me Kay, sometimes Kathy.

My real name, of course,
is Katharine.

But it's so funny,
though,

sometimes you'd
never believe it,

they call me
Katharine,

I don't even know
it's my own name,

I forget
to answer.

But sometimes
they call me Katie the Cook,

that's because I cook here,
besides a lot of other things

that I do as well.
But it's so funny,

I tell you, when they
call me Katharine,

lots of times I can't
tell the difference

and I don't answer.
But Katie I always answer to.

Kay, Kathy, it really doesn't
make any difference,

you know how nicknames are.
They're really very funny.

Because you can't
ever tell

what a person's gonna
call you sometimes,

even Katie the Cook.
But then I--

Herbert!

Herbert H. Heebert
is my name.

Oh, Herbert H. Heebert.

What's the H stand for?
Herbert.

No, no, I mean
the other H.

No, that's the same
like the other part.

Your name is
Herbert Herbert?

Heebert.

How in the world
did that happen?

Well, I think it started
many years ago.

As a child,
I was very stubborn.

My mother used to yell

out of the window,
"Herbert. Herbert!"

I never answered the first time,
so it stuck with me.

Herbert Herbert Heebert.

I got a T on both sides
and the middle is a T--

Herbert Herbert.
Oh, well, I--

I got a pair of Herberts
in front of my Heebert.

Well, that's a very interesting
name you have there.

Now, uh, do you have
any references?

Oh, yeah.

It was there all the time
in the first pocket.

You wanna read this?
Yeah.

"To whom it may concern: This is
to introduce Herbert H. Heebert,

"a very bright,
intelligent, smart,

"and cute young man
who is quite witty,

"and kind and honest

"and works like a son of a gun,
if he gets paid.

"He is willing, able
and a swell kid.

"He does all the things
that are expected of him.

"Besides, he's also very smart,
and works like a son of a gun.

"And he will do
all he can to help.

"He has the only respect
that's highest,

"and he's cuter than anybody
and smart as a whip.

"Besides being quite bright,

"he could be considered
a swell chap

and works like
a son of a gun."

When did you write that,
Herbert?

Last night. I didn't have any,
so I figured I'd make one.

Oh, that's nice.

Did you go to school?

Yes.

Yes, I did.

Milltown Junior College,
I just graduated.

Well, you don't seem
very thrilled about that.

[MUMBLES]:
I don't know.

That was one of
the saddest days of my life.

Why, that's supposed
to be

one of the happiest days
of your life.

What happened?

I know. I know,
I know.

Well, it's a pretty long
story,

but if you'd like
to hear it, I--

Oh, yes, I want very much
to hear it.

Well, as you probably
guessed by now...

I come from a comparatively
small town.

[MOANS]

Milltown, New Jersey.

Graduation day was beautiful
and wonderful.

At least until I went
to find Faith.

Faith.

Faith was my girl.
Faith Templeton.

And when I saw what I saw

that was the moment
I knew I hated girls.

Because there, right before
my very baby-blue eyes,

was a girl with another person.

And then I decided that
my life was over

and a bachelor I shall be.

Woe is me. Oh, Faith?
Faith. Why?

[CRYING]

That's the saddest thing
I ever heard.

Oh, Herbert.

Oh, Herbert. There's just
one thing I have to tell you.

Yes?

You've just gotta
have faith.

What--? What--?
Oh, Herbert!

Oh, Herbert!

Herbert!
Oh, Herbert!

All I said was you have to have
a little faith.

[YELLS AND MOANS]

Oh, for heaven's sakes,
Herbert, all I meant was--

- HERBERT: I'm all right now.
- What's happening?

Oh, Miss Wellenmellon,
this is Herbert.

And he wants very much
to come to work here,

and I think that's
just wonderful,

because he's very good
and so nice,

and he can start
tomorrow.

Well, Herbert, you certainly
have convinced Katie,

and that's good enough
for me.

You know the kind of a place
I have here.

We can tell him about that
in the morning.

Oh. Oh, yes.
Yeah, that will be all right.

I don't really care
what kind of place.

I just wanna work
very hard and forget.

That's a very good idea.

And I know you're gonna
like it here.

And you're gonna just love him,
Miss Wellenmellon.

And if you don't mind, now,
I'll take him up to his room

because it's very late
and I'm sure he's tired.

Yeah, I was just yawning
when she said that.

Well, Katie, if he's
all right with you,

he's all right
with me.

Oh, thank you,
Miss Cellosmellow.

I'm gonna get
my suitcase.

No, wait, just wait for me
in the hall.

Oh, I'll take him
up the back way.

We got one!

We've got one,
all right.

Well, now, this is your room,
Herbert.

Oh,
it's very nice.

Thank you. You see,
this was Miss Wellenmellon's

and Mr. Wellenmellon's home
before he passed on,

and rather than sell it
just because

it was too big for her,

she decided
to rent out the rooms

and that way
she wouldn't be alone.

It's a very good
idea.

Being alone, you know,
can be very lonely.

But at least
with people around,

then you can be lonely
with noise.

Lonely with noise.

Uh, well, you better get
to bed and get some rest

because it is very late,

and I'll see you first thing
in the morning

and then we can discuss
your chores.

Oh, Katie.
Uh, thank you very much.

I think I'll be
very happy here.

Well, if nothing else,

I think it'll prove
to be very interesting.

Nighty-night.

[GIGGLES]

[WHISTLES SOFTLY]

HERBERT:
It's a soft bed.

[TROMBONE PLAYS OUTSIDE]

[COOL JAZZ PLAYS]

♪ The time, early ♪

♪ The weather, cool ♪

♪ This evening, nutty ♪

♪ Tomorrow, nice ♪

[JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES]

[HARP PLAYS]

[MUSIC ENDS]

[BELL RINGS]

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[SINGS]:
♪ Good morning ♪

♪ Herbert ♪

GIRLS:
♪ Good morning ♪

♪ Herbert ♪

WELLENMELLON: Well, Herbert,
don't just stand there.

Haven't you
anything to say?

Ma.

Ma!

[SCREAMS]:
Ma!

Ma! Ma!

[DOORS SLAM]

Who's there?
Don't answer that, I don't care.

Just go away,
I'm scared and that's it.

WELLENMELLON: It's me, Herbert.
Miss Wellenmellon.

Yeah, well, you go away.
You misled me.

And I don't wanna
go live in no harem,

particularly
in my condition.

Now, now, Herbert.
Please don't be concerned.

Yeah, well, there's plenty
to be concerned about.

I ran down there,
and...

I guess I didn't have enough
stuff to bolt me.

I'm surprised at you, Herbert.

Your actions certainly weren't
those of a gentleman.

Well, how do you expect me
to act like a gentleman?

I walked smack dab
into a ladies' room.

Oh, Herbert,
I know how you feel.

Katie told me
about your problem.

But you've got to
take hold of yourself.

Yeah, you're right,
or they will.

Now, now, come along
and meet the ladies,

and you'll see how ridiculous
this whole thing is.

It is? Well, you lay one hand
on me and I'll report you

to the child labor board.
I'm leaving and that's final.

I'll not try to stop you.

Okay.

[WHIMPERS]

Well, gee whiz,
I don't want you should cry.

Let me think a minute.

What should I do?
Should I stay--?

I gotta think harder.

Should I stay or not?

[CRYING]

Oh, all right.

I'll stay,
but only on one condition:

I'll stay as long as it takes
you to get another boy.

Oh, you're a doll,
Herbert.

I knew you wouldn't
let me down.

And the girls will be
happy too.

Yeah, well, you just tell them
they can look

but they can't touch.

All right, Herbert.

Now, don't you worry
about a thing.

Come along and we'll get you
some breakfast.

Well, there's plenty to worry
about with a lot of girls.

I don't mind
telling you.

[GIRLS CHATTERING]

I never saw so many girls.
There's a whole bunch of them.

I got scared--
Herbert!

Now,
you listen to me.

You go into that dining room
in there,

and at the back of the room
you'll see the door

that will take you
upstairs to the kitchen,

and you have
some breakfast.

Kitchen upstairs?

I don't have to work up
an appetite,

I don't eat breakfast
in the morning anyway.

Ah-ah-ah.

You know what they say
about breakfast.

Yeah, they say it's
the most important meal

you can eat
in the morning.

But I don't eat
breakfast all the time.

What?!

Well, I didn't mean
nothing by that.

Remember, Miss Wellenmellon
knows best.

Yes, you do.

So I'll go in and I'll have
just half a welen,

is that all right?

Now, you do that.
Okay, then I'll go.

And, Herbert. Now, listen.
Yes.

♪ Go along
go along ♪

♪ Okay ♪

Girls.

Come, come, come, come.
Come on, come on.

Now, look and listen carefully.

This is a very nice boy.

He's had a couple of heart tugs

and he's pretty set
against women at this time,

but there is one way
we can keep him.

It's simple. He likes to help.

He doesn't know at this moment,
I don't think, how to say no.

And I believe that he likes
to be needed.

Miss Wellenmellon told me
to come in and have breakfast.

And I don't, uh--
I said to her, "I don't--"

You see where
my hand is?

It's on the toaster.
Yeah.

And it's hot!

Take it off.
It's stuck!

That's pain. Oh, hurt, hurt.
There's hurt in pain.

Would you just lift
my hand off?

Just lift it up.

[PANTS AND BLOWS]

Katharine.
Oh.

Katharine, Miss Wellenmellon
wanted me to tell you

that Herby is to have--

Herbert. Herbert.

Herbert. H-E-R-B-E-R-T
is Herbert.

How do you
spell Herbert?

Not Y, Herby.

It's Herbert, Bert,
Bert, call me Bert.

Just not Herby.
Herbert.

That Herbert is
to have his breakfast.

I'll see to it.

I was telling Miss, uh--

the lady, I don't need
no breakfast,

I never ever have--

Ah! If you don't do
what Miss Wellenmellon

tells you to do,
why, she'll have a fit.

A fit?
A real fit.

A fit?

A fit like you
wouldn't believe.

That's some fit.
A real fit.

I'd better be careful.
You better be very careful.

Should I watch it?
A lot.

Now, don't overdo it...

but if you see that he's
weakening in any way at all,

ask for something.

Make him feel wanted
and important.

And in this way,
I think we'll have

one fine houseboy
a little longer

than the normal three days.

Okay?

That's all.

See you tonight.

[GIRLS RESUME CHATTERING]

Oh, this is just the best thing
in the world for a growing boy.

Forget it, lady.
Will you forget it?

I let you talk me into
this ridiculous chair

because I felt sorry for you.
You had it fixed up and all.

I can't do this,
this is--

I don't eat
no breakfast, I told--

I don't wanna eat. Is that--?
I'm getting out of here.

Ahhh.
There you go.

You got one in, huh?

See, that's all right.
That's it, there's no more.

Now, let me ask you--
No, this is ridiculous.

If anyone walked in and--
What is an animal--?

The biggest--?

An animal?
The biggest is an ox.

There you are.
I thought I got away.

Oops.
No, that's wonderful.

Oops nothing. You just
took care of my sweater.

Now, just open there--
Look, I don't need this.

Oh, there--
You missed, you missed.

No, you missed now,
Herbert.

You've got to have it--
You missed.

Why, I never--
You missed my mouth.

Now you say "ah"
and--

No, there's no "ah."
Would you aim?

If you--
At least give me the--

This woman
is out of her mind.

But if you didn't
move around--

I'm not moving!
Ah-ha! Well--

At least you got
a double that time.

That's a two-bagger,
Miss Mellonsmellon.

Oh, would you mind just checking
the beard on this side?

I don't want that!

I'm getting out
of the chair!

Give me one more,
just for good luck. That's it.

KATIE: Now, come
along with me, Herbert,

because Miss Wellenmellon
wanted me to show you

everything that you have to do,
so you know your duties.

Now, here's the phone.

Oh, that's one of them?
That's the only phone.

The only phone in such
a big mansion?

Oh, yes,
for a very good reason.

It's cheaper?
No.

Oh, then it's less expensive
than having a lot of phones.

Yeah.

Oh, Herbert, you're so cute.
Well--

Now, when a phone call
comes in,

you get to the girl
it's for

as quickly as you can
so she can answer it,

have her conversation,
hang up,

so then it'll be available
for others.

So then I can run up and down
the stairs a lot of more times.

Come on.
Wonderful.

Now, here, of course,
is the gaming table

you must keep
very clean.

I love solitaire.

Herbert, there is
no time for this,

you've lots to do.
Come on, come on.

All right.
I just like to play that a lot,

whenever
I get a chance.

Oh, this is terrific.
This is a dizzy staircase.

Now, here is the rare
butterfly collection

that belonged
to Mr. Wellenmellon.

Oh, that's lovely.
I like that.

I like birds and bees and
bugs that fly, and things.

Say, that's
a Bluetooth Merkdekker.

You know
about butterflies?

Oh, I was once
a botany.

I think this one
belongs to

the Yellow-bellied
Sapsucker family.

And this blue one
is a Gray-tailed Blue.

And in the center,
you have a Greenfly Worst.

It's a worsted wing.

You see, the wing
is on the end,

some are shorter
than the other.

The wing gives
the sound of the...

[MAKES "PUTTING" SOUND]

...when it flies.
It makes that sound?

Oh, that's wonderful.
hat's when it's sick, but--

when it's flying good.
Oh, that's wonderful.

This is a very lovely
species here.

This was once a frog.

A frog turned into
a butterfly?

Well,
it forced itself.

I don't know,
I never found out.

Amazing.

Wonderful. Now, now, Herby.
Yes?

Once or twice a week, this case
must be very carefully dusted.

I'll touch it
very care--

But you have to be careful,
you understand?

I'll do it from a distance.
Another room, maybe.

Oh, well, that's good.
Now, you wait right here for me,

because I have to go see
if Baby's all right.

All right.

She has a baby?

[WHISTLES]

That's a good Baby.

[WHISTLES]

Very good Baby.

Oh, what a darling.

[KATIE YELLS]

Oh. Oh, you never touch this.

Never touch this gorgeous
antique collection

of Mr. Wellenmellon's.

Been in the family for 50 years.
Oh, put it back.

Oh! Gentle! Oh!

[MOANING]

You got glue?

Oh, but I--
Here, this is good.

Oh, but don't feel bad.
Don't-- Don't--

Don't feel bad.

No, wait. Don't, please.
We'll fix it.

Oh, Herbert,
Herbert.

I just talked
to Miss Wellenmellon

and I told her that that glass
collection was so dusty,

I just had to have it
sent out to be cleaned.

Oh, thank you
very much, Kathy.

I appreciate that because I was
scared that she'd be mad on me.

Oh, you don't ever have to
worry about her being angry

as long as you
do your work well.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.
So if you'll--

If you'll just go and feed Baby,
I'll appreciate it very much.

Baby?
Oh, yeah, oh, I'll do that.

But after the baby is fed,
I mean, will you be available?

Because I don't know
about burping that thing.

Oh, for heaven's sake, no.

Baby is not a baby.
No?

Baby is
Miss Wellenmellon's pet.

Oh. Oh, I was wondering how--
Yeah.

Oh, that's good, I'm glad.
A baby.

Oh, you're such a dear,
young, naive Herby.

Herbert.
Herbert.

Oh, Baby's the dearest little
darling in all the world.

Oh, we just love
that funny little thing.

I hope you like animals,
do you?

Oh, I like pets, yeah.

I-I-I had
a pet once.

A goldfish,
Marvin.

I was very attached to it
and it was attached to me and--

I never thought I'd really
get over losing Marvin.

Oh,
that's a shame.

What happened?

Oh, well.

As I said, we were
very attached.

One night,
I was going to bed

and I didn't want Marvin
to be lonesome,

just sloshing around
in the water.

So I took Marvin to bed
with me,

to spend the night,

and in the morning,
he just laid there.

Oh, Marvin, Marvin,
Marvin.

Herbert, Herbert, Herbert.

Oh,
I'm all right now.

Oh, you--
You mustn't cry, Herbert.

Well, you know, I get choked up
when I think about Marvin.

Yeah, but you mustn't.
You mustn't.

Don't you see?
This is your chance

to make
a brand-new friend,

and Baby is such
a darling.

All right. I'll-- I'll feed it
and make friends with it.

Oh, good. Now, if you'll
just go and get his milk.

But I have to
dust some more.

That's all right,
I'll take care of it for you.

All right.
And then remember,

in about an hour,
he gets his meat.

I'll see you when
you're all through.

He gets his meat
in an hour.

First, I'll bring him his milk.
Thank you very much, Katie.

Right.

Imagine that. A goldfish.

Marvin?

Oh, but he's sweet.

What am I knocking?
A pet can't answer the door.

[ANIMAL ROARS]

That's Baby?

Mmm.

Ooh-ooh.

[SOFT GROWLING]

[SNEEZES]

That's a Baby, boy.

That's a Baby,
boy!

Oh, that's some Baby, boy.

I'll feed him his meat.

Get on the milk and slide.
That's good meat.

This is some tidbit,
boy.

[GROWLS AND SNARLS]

I don't believe it.

That's some Baby.

What a Baby!

[MUMBLES]: Ohh, I shur
wish ah had to ta ma ole

an never really founa
bodacious ma owe ya, has nu?

They just told me
to deliver--

She said that she is very glad
that you took the time out

to come up and bring her
the mail,

and that if in any way she can
show her appreciation,

please do call on her.

And that she just doesn't think
there are enough

people in the world nowadays
doing things for each other.

And besides that,
she likes you very much.

Come along, dear.
Come on.

[MUMBLES]

[MIMICS MUMBLES]

I don't know that.

Oh, it's from him.
It's from him.

You don't understand.
He wrote.

He actually sat down and wrote.
He wrote--

[TROMBONE TOOTS]

[UPBEAT WHIMSICAL THEME PLAYS]

In a second.

Oh, come on in.
Come on, come on.

Mail for me?

[LISPS]:
Aren't you sweet. And swell too.

I think you're so sweet,
honest.

You see, I so rarely get
any mail and I'm so happy.

And I repeat, you are a sweet,
swell sweetie-face.

Well, thanks very much.
Here you are.

There's three of them
for you.

Thank you.

[MIMICS LISP]:
Sweet, swell, what a nut!

[MAMBO MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ Thanks for the mail
now, baby, let's wail ♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

KATIE:
Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Herby.
Herby, come over here.

No. No, Herby.

We never knock on that door.

We never bother
Miss Cartilage.

We don't?

You just go right along now

and deliver the mail
in the next room.

Thank you,
Herbert.

Whew.

Yes? And to what do I owe
the honor of this visit?

Pray, could it be that you
are torn inside out

since our last meeting?

No. I just came
to deliver the mail.

Oh, excuse me, kid.

I kind of got carried away
a little.

You see, I'm rehearsing
for a part.

Oh, yeah, what part?

Any old part.

Nothing definite.

I just want to be
prepared

in case something
comes along.

Oh.
As a matter of fact

would you mind helping me
rehearse a little?

And what do you want
I should do?

I'll close the door.
You knock on it.

I'll answer it, and then you
can tell me if it's effective.

Yeah, that sounds
like fun.

Okay,
I'll try that out.

You!
You dare come back

after leaving me
and the baby!

I don't believe it.

How was that one?
Pretty good, huh?

Oh, yeah,
that was very good.

Let's do another one now.

Only this time,
don't knock.

I'll just kind of
feel you there.

Yeah, well, could you feel
a little easier this time?

Okay.
Thank you.

Hi, honey.

Gee, it's good to see you
again.

I missed you.
I like this scene.

It's been a long time.

What am I,
crazy or something?!

Even talking to you

after not hearing from you
for such a long time!

Now, you stay out of my life
once and for all!

I got it again.

Say, you're wonderful.

You really bring out
the best in me.

I'd hate to see
the worst in you, lady.

To be perfectly truthful
with you,

I don't wanna
play-act no more.

I wish you
the very best of luck,

and I think you'll make
a very terrific lion-tamer.

Whatever I make,
I wanna thank you.

You're a doll.

Oh, I lost a cheek now.

Oh, my skin of my back is caught
in the crack of the door. Lady.

Lady. Open.

[STRAINS]

[RIP]
Oh!

[MOANS SOFTLY]

Hello...

you great, big,
beautiful...

blond male specimen
of sheer delight.

Blond?
What's on your mind,

except wanting to press
your lips to mine

and wandering off into
ecstasy land with me?

Blond?
Or is the sight of me

throwing you so badly
that you cannot speak?

Oh, I can speak,
yeah.

I just brought
your mail.

Ma!
[SHRIEKS]

Oh, Ma!

Girls! Herbert's leaving!
Stop him!

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

Is it a book?
A movie.

Quotations.
GIRLS: Quotations.

How many words?

Ten. Twenty.
GIRLS: Twenty-three.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

HERBERT:
Good evening.

Will you come in,
sir?

Is there anything
I can do for you, sir?

Anything at all?

Yeah, kid.
Get out of my way.

Mister, is there anything
I can get for you,

anything I can do
for you or anything?

Look, skinny, I come
to see my girl. She's--

I forgot to find out
which one

that you wanted to see
and I ran out, sir.

Look, stupid.
No, Herbert.

Stupid.
Herbert.

Stupid!

Stupid Herbert,
that's right, that's me.

That's better.

Well, you shouldn't
get upset, man.

Because, mister,
I don't know the girls, see.

And that's why
I ran back.

It's a good thing
you don't know her.

I don't want you
to know her.

I don't want you
to even look at her.

No, I won't even
ever look at her.

What's the matter,
she's not good enough for you?

Oh, she's good enough
for anybody.

What?
I didn't mean nothing by that.

What do you want from my arm?
I didn't mean that.

I mean, I don't wanna know her,
I don't wanna talk.

I won't do none
of those things.

Just tell me
who it is

and I'll go get her for you,
that's all.

Her name is
Gwendolyn Pearce.

All right, Gwendolyn Pearce.
I'll tell her.

And who should I say
is calling?

Willard C. Gainesborough.
All right.

The C is for killer.

I was a little afraid that
it could've been that.

Now, beat it!
Yeah. I'm gonna--

And remember--
don't look at her.

No, I won't look at her.
Don't talk to her.

I won't talk to her.

Don't get close to her.
I won't get even close to her.

Don't get near her.
No, I won't get near her.

I'll wave to her
from another girl.

I'll write a note
that he's here, so--

Because if I catch you
getting even close to her,

it's over for you.

Over?
You hear me?

Over. O-V-U-R, over.
That's over.

I was never so scared
of anything,

I'll nev--
It'll be over

because I'll never touch
nothing or any-- Never--

Herbert.
Herbert.

Oh, I just spoke
with Miss Wellenmellon

I don't understand this.

and I am so very proud of you.
This man says, I should go...

She said that she
is terribly pleased

...and call the girl,
but not to talk to her.

with the way you're
doing your work.

But what girl?

You are living proof
of the old saying--

Miss Gwendolyn Pearce.

"Good people are
good things to be."

How do I call her?
I said I'd call her.

I'll tell one of the other girls
or something like that.

His middle name is C.
The C stands for killer.

So if I do
like he says,

then maybe I won't
get in trouble.

I think she kissed me.
Oh, gee.

Hey.

May I help you, sir?
You sure can.

Where's that skinny,
unglued, crew-cut cat

that went after my date?

Oh, you mean Herby.

I mean, Herbert.

He is probably
looking for her,

and undoubtedly will be
right down.

That man who's your date--
Thank you very much, Herbert.

Tell him I'll be
right down.

Well,
where's my girl?

Oh, well, I just wanted
to tell you--

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

You went up
to get my girl, right?

Yeah.

You didn't get
close to her, right?

No.

You didn't get
even near her, right?

That's right.

Now you come downstairs,
you got lipstick on your face.

Oh, that's not--
When I--

Hold it!

I don't believe it.

Do you know you're sitting
on my hat?

Do you know that's
my brand-new hat?

Do you know that you better
get up and give me my hat?!

Maybe we can
get it weaved.

Fix the hat.

Put it on my head.

I don't like it that way.

Is that all right?

No.

Would you like it
that way?

No, I think
it would be good--

Like that?

Should I start it over?

Do something.

I don't like it
that way.

Oh, my hair.

Comb my hair.

That's better.

Put the hat on my head.

What did you do
to the lining?

I like the brim down.

Not all the way down.

I'll get that off.

You'd better.

Is that good now?

I can't see out of
my left eye now.

Get the hat off!

I know, I'll just--
Comb it again.

Yeah, okay.

How's that?

Fix it right.

That's better.

Thank you. There's just--

Can I get that strand hanging?

Please do.

That's my eyebrow.

No, what happened
to my hat?

Darling.
I see you've met Herby.

Yeah.

Yeah, I met Herby.

I'll fix--

Look at me.
Look at how I look.

Look at how I look.

What are you doing?

[GRUNTS]

[THUD]

[WHISTLING]

Uh-uh-uh!
Herbert. Not that room.

[BUZZ SAW WHIRRING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[RINGING CONTINUES]

Katie!

[RINGING CONTINUES]

Hi.
Oh, no.

Oh, no.
Oh, but--

No!
Oh, but I--

No! No!
Oh, but, I wouldn't--

[GRUNTS, THUD]

Was it something
I said?

Say, kid, why do you
look so strange?

I don't know. I looked like that
from the first day I was born.

Say, uh,
tell me something.

Did you ever see someone

that you thought
you met before?

I'll be a son of a gun.

That's what I was
just thinking

that very minute
that you said that.

You're kidding.

No, I was saying
to myself just now,

"Herbert"--
That's my name, Herbert.

"Did you ever see someone
that you thought you saw--?"

I thought I saw you before.
Did I meet you here some time?

Well, very honestly,
kid,

you probably saw
one of my pictures.

That's it, yeah. Up on one
of the girls' dressers

I must have saw it.

No, one of my films
on the screen.

Oh, you mean in a newsreel?
You were in an accident?

No, no, kid.

Look, don't you ever
go to movies?

Oh, yeah, all the time.
I love to go to movies.

I go special to see
the cops and robbers.

One time, I just want to see
the robbers win, once.

Well, in that case you must have
seen one of my movies.

I've always played
the ga-- the robber,

who's been trying
to win for years.

But you know how it is,
crime doesn't pay.

But really--
Are you in the movies, really?

A movie star?

That's what I've been
trying to tell you.

I'm George Raft.

Yeah?

[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY]

You are, huh?

Then you would know
and prove it by telling me,

what was the name
of the movie you was in

where you flipped
the coin?

Scarface.
Satisfied?

No, because anybody would
know the name of that movie.

Show it to me by proving
that you can flip the coin.

Oh, this is getting
ridiculous.

Chicken.

No, I'm not chicken.
I'll prove it.

[SCOFFS]:
George Raft, huh?

So good you aren't
with a coin, right, Mr. Raft?

[LAUGHS]

What's the matter,
wise guy?

Anybody can miss.

I'm not infallible.

And you're not
George Raft, either.

Look,
I'm George Raft.

Please believe me.

Look, aside from playing
robbers on the screen,

I used to do a lot of dancing
in my pictures, right?

Yeah, well, I saw him do
some of that dancing, yeah.

All right, then give me
your hand and you be the girl.

Forget it, there's no
being no girl.

I don't wanna know
who you are.

There's no dancing,
plus the fact I can't follow.

GEORGE RAFT:
Please dance with me, won't you?

All right,
just once.

I'll put on the phonograph
and see--

Oh, I'll put it on.
You stay right here.

[TANGO MUSIC PLAYS]

I've never done this
before.

[WHISTLING]

Hello, Fay.
You all right?

I'm sorry, Herbert,
I didn't see you.

Yes, I'm fine.

Yeah, you're fine,
all right.

You're a fine fibber.

Well...

to be perfectly honest,

I'm not so fine.

I had an audition and--

I'd rather not talk about it,
if you don't mind.

Oh, no--
I don't mind

if you don't want
to talk about it.

You didn't get it, huh?

No, I didn't...

and I guess I never will.

Well, you certainly won't
if you say you won't.

You gotta learn, Fay,
you have to think negative.

You mean positive.
Yeah, positively.

I mean, that's what I meant,
to think that way.

Because, I mean, really,

you can't expect a stranger
that meets you just for a moment

to think any more of you
than you think of yourself,

after knowing you
for so long.

Right?

I guess you're right,
Herbert.

But I get so depressed
sometimes.

I don't know if
I can explain it...

but I always feel...

that there isn't anyone
in the world but me.

That everyone else has gone
to a happier place and

it just isn't my turn yet.

I don't know,
does that sound silly?

No, it doesn't
sound silly, except

it sounds silly.

Well, no,
what I mean to say is that,

I think the only time
you should feel that way

is when you know
no one cares for you.

And as long as there are those
that care for you,

you shouldn't
feel that way.

I don't know of anyone
who really cares for me.

Well, I care for you, Fay,
and I'm an anyone.

Oh, that is nice,
Herbert.

And you're nice.

MAN: And I hope
we're not imposing.

Oh, of course not.

And it certainly didn't
take you people long

getting around to paying me
that visit we discussed.

Oh, well, we do things quickly,
Miss Wellenmellon.

Oh,
I'm terribly sorry.

This is my associate
Miss Reed.

She's in charge of research
and information.

Well, I'm very happy
to know you, Miss Reed.

Oh, thank you,
Miss Wellenmellon,

and it really is a delight
to finally meet you.

I loved watching you
years ago

when I went to the opera
with my dad.

He was one
of your biggest fans.

Yes, and there were many,
many more fans

that would love
seeing you again.

You know, on our telecast,

we play to over 50 million
people in one night.

Fifty million?

Isn't that right, Miss Reed?
Yes, 50 million people.

WELLENMELLON:
My heavens.

Well, how does
your program work?

Is it done in your studio?

Well, no, no,
not actually.

You see, what we
really do is

to bring the cameras
and the crew to you.

In your home.

That's why the show is called
Up Your Street.

Well, it certainly
sounds exciting.

And I would love doing it.

Oh, Mr. Zousman,
isn't that just divine?

That's just wonderful.

Now, Miss Reed
will fill you in,

and we'll be ready
in no time at all.

[WHISTLING]

MAN: All right, fellas,
coffee break's over!

Back to work!

[EXCITED CHATTERING]

CREWMAN:
Thirty-one.

Thirty-one.

Hold, hold it, hold it.
Watch this cable over here.

[EXCITED SHOUTING]

The cable.
That guy has the cable.

- CREWMAN: Watch the cable.
- CREWMAN 2: Whoops.

Magneto head.

Hey! Hey, kid!

Hey, you up there!

I want to see if my panel
is working yet.

Will you say something into
the microphone for me?

Now?
Oh, just a second.

Okay.

Come in, Tracy.
Pear Shape. Over.

[SHOUTS]:
Geronimo!

Are you all right,
man?

Was that too loud?

Wait.

Mister?

Mister?

[MOANING]

Mister?

Mister?

[MOANING]

Oh, mister,
I'm sorry.

I'm awfully sorry.
Here, let me get you up.

Wow, you really
fell into that thing.

Are you all right,
mister?

You okay?

I'm sor--
Are you all right?

But are you
all right?

[MOUTHS]

[SHOUTS]:
I'm okay!

[VOICE ECHOES]

[YELLS]

[CREW FALLS SILENT]

[CHATTERING RESUMES]

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]

All right, five minutes,
five minutes, everybody!

Let's look sharp.
Five minutes to airtime.

[FANFARE THEME PLAYS]

Hey, will somebody up there
give me a test on this?

[SHOUTS]:
Geronimo!

[HIP XYLOPHONE THEME PLAYS]

HERBERT:
Let me see so I can--

[GIRL SHOUT EXCITEDLY]

GIRL: Herbert,
you look great!

Yeah, I'm very, very--
I dressed up. I just dressed up.

When are we gonna
be on television, when?

Hello, New York.
This is a test.

Eight seconds.

This is five.

Good evening.
This is Del Moore.

May I once again
welcome you

to the show that doesn't
come from a studio,

a show that wasn't made
in some far-off land,

a show that can and does
come from Up Your Street.

And here, folks, is your host
for Up Your Street,

Westbrook Van Voorhis.
Mr. Van Voorhis.

Good evening.

Tonight we are
going to visit

two outstanding
personalities.

One from the world
of old show business

and one from
the world of sports.

Our sports figure is none other
than Audrey Whitefish,

the little 123-pound,
red-haired lass from Dublin,

who is the first lady
ever to swim

the Mississippi River,
lengthwise.

And the other personality,

a favorite of mine for years,

and I'm sure a favorite
of yours,

Miss Helen N. Wellenmellon.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen,

it's been a long time since
Miss Wellenmellon retired,

and I'm sure you'll be

as thrilled to see her
once again as I will.

And we can then tell the story

of what she's been doing
all these years,

and why.

MAN:
All right, 30 seconds!

[EXCITED CHATTERING]

GIRL:
Gosh, that's marvelous!

Excuse me.
Sorry.

I'd just like to check
but there's a lamp there.

MAN:
Ten seconds.

MAN: All right, get ready,
we're coming out of commercial.

Oh, Miss Wellenmellon,
I'm so excited and glad.

You're gonna be
on television.

If you're gonna
mention my name,

just say it's
Herbert H. Heebert,

and it's Milltown
Junior College,

and I'm much taller
in person.

Hello, America!
I'm so glad for you.

You're gonna be a famous person.
They'll see you in person.

VAN VOORHIS: And here she is,
Miss Helen N. Wellenmellon.

HERBERT: Oh, I think they said
your name.

They said your name--

And a good evening
to you,

Mr. Van Voo--

Van Voorhis.

VAN VOORHIS:
I am most happy

to have you on
Up Your Street.

I don't know where he came from,

but she's trying to be
polite to him.

Helen N. Wellenmellon.

Well, it certainly has been
a very exciting

and a most delightful
experience

preparing for this
electronic meeting

My button's stuck
on your carnation.

with you,
Mr. Van Voorhis.

And we, too,
have been excited

about seeing you again,

as I said before.

My button is stuck
on her flower.

Tell me,
Miss Wellenmellon,

being as curious as
I know the viewers are

I got free just then.

What about the size
of the big house you occupy?

Would you mind telling us
about that?

Tell him.

Not at all,
Mr. Van Voorhis.

I-- You see...
They're calling me.

...when the late Mr. Wellenmellon
and I were married,

we wanted to have
a lot of children,

that is, a large family,

is what I really meant
to say.

But unfortunately...

Mr. Wellenmellon was taken
from me

just shortly after
we were married.

So we really didn't have
much of a chance, you see.

Yes,
indeed I do.

But we happen
to know

that you do have
many children actually,

do you not?

Yes, I do,
Mr. Van Voorhis.

And I'm quite sure,

due to modesty,
ladies and gentlemen,

Miss Wellenmellon hesitates
to tell us something

we kind of found out
in our own sneaky little way--

That she went through

a pretty rough time of it
when she started out,

and therefore gives
room and board to the ladies

that are trying to do
the very same thing

she tried and succeeded
in doing, many, many years ago.

Well, thank you for
the kind words, Mr. Van Voorhis,

but you know the old saying,
"The, uh...

"The giver gets and the taker
has and the receiver wants."

Yes, indeed I do.
But first,

a little surprise we have
for you, Miss Wellenmellon.

Your number one
helper,

Herbert Heebert,
and some of the girls,

put on a little performance

before our cameras
this morning,

which we will now
show you.

[DRUM ROLL]

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]

[ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ If you hate wine ♪

♪ Don't go to Paris ♪

♪ Asleep by nine ♪

♪ Don't go to Paris ♪

♪ If there'll be no
Mimi or Louisa ♪

♪ Pass it by
don't apply for a visa ♪

♪ If love's a bore ♪

♪ Don't go to Paris ♪

♪ Behind each door ♪

♪ You'll find romance ♪

♪ Better go somewhere else ♪

♪ Don't take a chance ♪

♪ For if you want
a place that's quiet ♪

♪ And you're living on a diet ♪

♪ Stay away from France ♪

♪ Sans boire du vin ♪

♪ N'allez pas à Paris ♪

♪ Entre chaque porte ♪

♪ On trouve ce qu'on veut ♪

♪ Si votre coeur a vieilli ♪

♪ Don't take a chance ♪

♪ But if you like to
live a trifle ♪

♪ Having fun
beneath the Eiffel ♪

♪ Come with me ♪

♪ To France ♪

[SOFT STRING MUSIC PLAYS]

VAN VOORHIS: We really hate
to cut the kids' show,

but unfortunately, as you know,

there is still a great deal
for us to do.

So may we take a quick look

at the rest of your
lovely home, Miss Wellenmellon?

Yes, indeed, Mr. Van Voorhis.

Won't you come this way?

[GIRLS CHATTER SOFTLY]

Oh, Miss Wellenmellon, we're still
on television. I'm glad!

[GIGGLES NERVOUSLY]:
Oh.

I'm sorry, I didn't know
that you were busy.

This is--
Oh, excuse me.

This is my glasses.

This is the elevator,
Mr. Van Voorhis.

Yeah,
this is the elevator.

It takes us from
floor to floor.

Floor to floor.

And in a house
this size, you know--

You have to have
a large--

[CLICK]
[NO AUDIO]

[FANFARE THEME PLAYS]

[GIRLS CHATTERING EXCITEDLY]

VAN VOORHIS: And good night
from Up Your Street.

[TROMBONE PLAYS OFF KEY]

[TROMBONE PLAYS OFF KEY]

I can't do it.
You better show me again.

It's all that lipstick
that makes it bad.

There's not much.
I'm sorry.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

All right, now,
listen, Herbert.

[ROLLING R'S]:
"Red roses ruin regular reasons

rightly read reading."

Now say that.

"Red roses ruin regular
reasons."

Red roses--
Red roses ruin regular reasons.

Redden roses?
No.

Red roses ruin regular reasons.
Red roses--

"Now, please practice playing
pool politely, poorly, proudly."

[SAMBA MUSIC PLAYS]

[WHISTLES]

Hi, honey.

What is that?
It's mov--

[SHRIEKS]

[UPBEAT SWING MUSIC PLAYS]

[NEEDLE SCRATCHING]

Boy, what imagination
can do for you.

Ma!

[GIRLS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[HERBERT YAWNING]

♪ Early in the morning
work, work, work ♪

♪ Early in the morning
do not shirk ♪

♪ Rum pum pum ♪

Miss Wellenmellon.

Oh, Miss Wellenmellon. Miss--

KATIE: Oh, Wellenmellon.

Miss Wellenmellon.
Miss Wellenmellon.

Katie?

Baby's loose!

Baby's what?

Baby's what?
Say Baby ain't.

[BABY ROARS]

KATIE:
Baby. Hurry up, Baby.

Come on, Baby, where are you?

HERBERT: Say that ain't true.
Say it's a lie, Baby ain't.

Baby-- Oh!
[ROARS]

Oh, it's true.

Where Baby?

I'm scared!

GIRLS [SHOUTING]:
Baby. Baby!

KATIE: Come on, Baby.
Come here, Baby.

Come here, Baby.

Come on, Baby, where are you?

We're looking everywhere
for you.

[ROAR]

Save me from that thing.

Is it out there?

Nice Baby.

Oh, I'm scared to death.

Oh, Herby, Herby,
Herby.

It's Herbert,
Herbert, Herbert.

And just what, may I ask,
is so funny?

You are, Herbert.

Now, why don't you just
simmer down and relax.

Baby won't hurt you.
Yeah, but does Baby know that?

Just as soon as I can
find him,

I'll show you
how harmless he is.

[ROAR]

There you are.

Where?!

There he is,
right behind you.

I don't believe it!

Oh, Baby.

Now, where were you?
You come right on out here.

Well, come on.
Yeah, that's good. Come on.

Good. That's a good dog.
[ROARS]

Oh! Oh!
Get it away.

That's gonna
bite again.

That-- I wouldn't--

I'm-- That thing bit me.

I'm-- It attacked me from--

I wasn't even ready.

And I'm a coward.

Gee, I'm sorry I'm late,
kids.

Have any of you seen
Herby around?

Why, you doing
Macbeth tonight?

No, smart aleck.

The heel broke on my shoe,

and I just wanted him
to go to the shoemaker

and get it fixed
before it closes.

[CACKLES]

Oh, and when you find him,

will you tell him to pick up
my TV set?

I left it at the repair shop.

I don't know what we did
until Herby came along.

He irons sheets for me
like you don't believe.

Whoever got that idea
to make him feel needed

every time he wanted to leave,
ought to get a medal.

It works every time.

[LAUGHING]

Are you all
finished?

Does anybody need Herbert
for anything else?

I wonder if any of you have
ever really needed Herbert,

just to sit down
and talk to.

Well, I did.

He's really very...

smart.

And very nice too.

He'd make a wonderful guy
for some girl

if she really
needed him.

I think we should all be
very ashamed

at having
deceived him.

I'll admit it's nice
to be needed, really needed.

But to tell somebody
you need them

just so they'll stay around
and run errands for you,

that's not so nice.

GIRL: Gee, honey, I don't think
anyone really meant to be unkind.

I'm sure they didn't.

And I'm sorry I made it
sound that way.

Listening to your
conversation...

I just couldn't help
thinking that

we're all a little guilty
of deceiving someone we care for

and, more importantly

who cares for us.

We know you're right,
Fay,

but, gee, how do we keep
from losing him?

You don't.

If he wants to go, let him go.

Did you ever stop to think
that Herbert is tired

of being needed all the time?

I'll admit it's nice,

but maybe he'd really like
to get out of here

and do a little something
for himself.

Maybe he's tired of being
a handyman for a bunch of girls.

Let him go if he wants to.

Well, so long.

I'm not going out, like to shop.
It's just like--

For a long time.

Aloha.

And thirty.

When the door slams, I'm--
my life is out of yours.

I'm lea-- I'm packed to go out
and I'm leaving.

So long.

As I start out,
there's no stopping me now.

My feet are gonna
really take me.

That's it.

Anybody--?
Goodbye.

Okay, well, all things
have to come to an end,

and that's now,
the end.

So long?

Farewell and--

You sore about something?

Herbert.

We really want you to stay.

We'd be the happiest girls

in the world if
you'd never leave.

We didn't want to tell you
we needed you

just to keep you here.

Actually,
we need you very much.

But not just to
run errands for us.

We need you because
you're a nice person.

And nice persons
are needed everywhere.

We just figured that

you were tired of working with
a bunch of girls, and that

maybe you'd like to go
someplace else,

where you can think
of yourself more.

Well, that's all very nice,
what you said, and--

And to tell you the truth,
and be very honest with you,

I don't really know
why I was leaving.

I mean, I like it here
very much,

and I like everybody a lot.

And I like to be needed.

But honestly needed.

And, well, after what
you just said--

I wouldn't leave here
for anything or anyone.

Oh, Herbert.

It's Herby.
H-E-R-B-Y.

Herby.

Yeah.

[BABY ROARS]

[SCREAMING]

It's just Baby.

That little--

That small dog.

It's got a big throat,
that's all.

Baby.
Where are you, sweetheart?

Baby. Sweetheart.

Little Baby.

Ma.

Ma!
You see that pussycat?

[♪♪♪]