All language subtitles for More Than a Secretary 1936 Eng

Slash, mash, dash.

Slash, dash, crash, mash, bash.

Relax, girls, relax.

Don't attack your machines.

Remember the typewriter is an instrument,
not a man.

Peter,
Paula's pretty pet Pekingese puppy,

playfully pulled
poor pussy's paw.

Mash, dash,

flash, dash, crash, mash, bash.
Beckon bumble bees.

Baby, are these tough today.

Mine, too. Spring, I guess.

It's always spring
with my little darlings.

They only know one season
and that's the mating season.

It is a beautiful day.

"J" next. Jerry, the jester,

joyously juggled
the Japanese jardinieres.

When class is over, better come in
here and get a look at our prize dummy.

Something's got to be done.

All right, I'll be in. "W" next.

The sly brown fox jumped
quickly over the lazy dog.

It's 3:00. Class is dismissed.

All right, girls. It's 3:00.

Now, remember...

Remember, those of you who have
machines at home, do try to practice on them.

The rest of you might
practice going to bed early.

- Goodbye, Miss Baldwin.
- Goodbye.

There's a Mr. Houston to see you,
Miss Baldwin.

- What does he want, do you know?
- A secretary.

Tell him I'll be right there.

Well, how are you progressing,
Maizie?

Okay.

What's this?

Are you typing in code?

Oh, the keys got mixed up.

It looks like a Chinese
laundry ticket.

I can't help it.
The keys got a little bit...

Mixed up. Yes, I know.

Maizie, we're supposed to
turn out experienced secretaries.

Oh, I've got experience.

Maizie, Miss Baldwin and I would
like to know just why you're here.

Give a guess. Maizie,

Miss Davis asked
you a civil question.

All right,
and I'll give you a civil answer.

I'm here for the same reason
that every other smart girl is here,

to get a chance
to meet nice men.

This doesn't happen to
be a matrimonial agency.

You only think it isn't.

I really don't think there's
anything we can teach you.

I think you'd better
leave the class.

All right,
if that's the way you feel about it.

We couldn't have you go
out representing our school.

You can't spell,
you can't take dictation and you can't type.

As a business woman,
you're a complete failure.

You can do all three. Hmm.

And look what it's done for you.

Say,
you'd trade places with me in a minute.

You pack up those aides to
beauty and get out of here, fast.

Suppose I leave them for you.

You'll need 'em.

Good hunting, Maizie.

I suppose you think
a girl shouldn't hunt.

That she should sit
around and wait for a man.

Well, keep right on sitting around
and dry up while you're waiting.

You know, in five years,
you'll look just like your friend Helen.

And Helen will look like, uh...

Goodbye, ladies.

So I'd trade places with her,
would I?

Wouldn't you?

What's the matter with you?

Spring, I guess.

And Maizie.

She hit below the belt
there a couple of times.

You mean to tell me you're giving a second
thought to what that little nitwit said?

What have we got to worry about?

We have this school.
We're free, independent.

We certainly are.
That's just the trouble.

Now, don't tell me you're
getting spring fever, too?

You know,
I can't imagine what gets into you sometimes.

I remember last spring
you wanted to sell the school

and buy a trailer and
visit Yellowstone Park.

What you need is a good
dose of sulfur and molasses.

Hello, Miss Baldwin.
Hello, Miss Davis.

Why, Betty. Hello.
Why, Betty, it's nice to see you again.

This is my friend Ann Rivers.

- Miss Baldwin...
- How do you do?

- ...and Miss Davis.
- How do you do?

Ann wants to attend
your school here,

on account of
all you did for me.

Oh, that's fine.
Well, we're very glad to have you.

You can register right out there at the desk.
Betty will show you.

Oh, thank you, Miss Baldwin.

How's everything going, Betty?

You look as if you
were doing all right.

Oh, I am, Miss Davis.

I'm being married in two weeks.
Mmm-hmm.

And to a junior vice president.

Well, congratulations.

- That's wonderful.
- Yes. I think so.

Uh... Well, goodbye, Miss Davis.

Goodbye, Miss Baldwin.
Come on, Ann.

Goodbye.

Remember her eight months ago?

I sure do.
She graduated at the bottom.

She was the Maizie of her class.

Oh, did you say a Mr. Houston
wanted to see me?

He's in the reception room.

Well... Oh, Mr. Houston,

I just know I'm going
to love working for you.

All right. Let's shake on that.

Looks like he's
found his secretary.

Not if I know my business.

- Oh, did you want to see me?
- Oh!

Mr. Houston, I want you to meet

- Miss Baldwin and Miss Davis.
- How do you do?

Two of the dearest
teachers in the whole world.

They've been just
like mothers to me.

I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting,
Mr. Houston.

I didn't mind it at all,
Miss Baldwin.

While I was waiting,
I had the good luck to meet Miss West.

Well, I'm afraid Miss West
is a little inexperienced.

Oh, that's what I told him,
Miss Baldwin,

but it didn't seem to matter.

I sometimes find a lack of
experience an asset in a woman.

That is, in a woman secretary.

Yes. I've always said,

"As the twig is bent,
so is the tree inclined."

And only God can make a tree.

Well, well, goodbye.

Goodbye, ladies.

Oh, wait, wait.

Let nature take its course,
dearie.

Oh, she can't even spell.

She can spell what he
wants in capital letters.

- Telephone, Miss Baldwin.
- Thank you.

Miss Baldwin speaking.

Who is it?

It's that Gilbert again.

You mean that dyspeptic old crab
over at the Crosby Publications?

He's fired another
one of our girls.

He's fired half
his office force.

He wants to know what's
wrong with the modern woman.

The modern man.

What was wrong with
that last girl we sent over?

She couldn't spell "desiccate."
Imagine Maizie with him.

Mr. Gilbert, I'm terribly sorry.

Well, it's a little late to send
you another secretary today, but...

Naturally.

Naturally,
I'll do everything I can.

What's the use of sending girls to him?
He just fires them.

I'm going down
there and talk to him.

I just want to know what
he expects from a secretary.

Oh, what is this?

Body and Brain.

Well, you can't talk to him.
He's busy on another line.

Body and Brain.

Well, just a minute.
I gotta answer the thingaroo,

the dictograph.

Ernest!
Aw, chief, I'm out of my element.

Can't you get a dame
to handle this board?

They have their own work to do.

I know, but if you wouldn't fire
every dame that came into the office.

I want Greenleaf.
All right. All right.

I'll get Greenleaf.

Body and Brain.

Where's Mr. Gilbert's office,
please?

Oh, Miss.

Don't ever say that again.

Well, I'm sorry,
but I want to see Mr. Gilbert.

So do a lot of people.

I'm from the Supreme
Secretarial School.

Oh, go right over there.

I want Andrews.

Oh, you don't?

Well, find somebody who does
know where he is.

Come in!

And be quick about it.

Well, what do you want?

Mr. Gilbert? Yes?

The editor? Yes, the editor.

I'm Miss Baldwin from
the Supreme Secretarial School,

- and I'd...
- Oh, you are, huh?

Hmm...

Well, off hand,
I can't tell a thing about you.

I will say, though,
that there's some suggestion of modesty.

The other girls trooped in here
looking like a lot of chorus girls.

Oh, but I'm not...

I'd overlook some of
that for a little efficiency,

a little initiative,
a little down-right sober intelligence.

I need a girl who will pitch in here
and stand at my right hand and help.

- Yes, I know, but...
- Yeah. How old are you?

Oh, never mind, never mind.
You don't have to tell me.

I can see at a glance
that you're over 25.

- Are you efficient?
- Oh, well...

I'll take a chance anyway.
Report in the morning.

Oh, in the morning?

What's the matter?
Does the prospect of work frighten you?

Oh, no, no, it isn't that.
I...

Don't you want the job?

I do.
I do want the job.

- 9:30?
- 8:30.

All right.

You've got the school,
a business of your own

and you want to give that
up for a $25 a week job?

But, Helen,
you don't understand.

He's young.
He's very good-looking,

he's healthy,
he's intelligent and he's not married.

So what?
You're no Maizie.

You'll find out you're
just wasting your time.

Well, you can't blame me for trying,
can you?

Wake up, ducky.

Who are you going
to send down to him?

Listen,
if I send one of those gals down there,

I'd have only myself to blame.

Oh, good morning.

You're late.

Oh,
just a minute and a half by my watch.

What's that thing?

Oh, that's a little flower.

Flowers give some people hay fever.
Let's have it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You've got lip rouge on this morning.
Yes, I have.

Hmm, well,
you didn't have it on yesterday.

Now to begin with, young lady,

let me impress on you just
what sort of office this is.

We have ideals here.

Health, correct living.

The people who work
here are not just employees.

They're members of an order.

They've dedicated
themselves to a noble purpose.

This office is a shrine.
A shrine to health.

Now,
are you ready to take dictation?

Yes, sir. Very good.

For ages,
the heart has been elevated to

a place of primary
importance in the human body.

Poets, as well as scientists,
have helped contribute to this elevation,

so by now the fallacy
is an accepted thing.

I wish to explode this myth.

The heart is not
the seat of our emotions.

That place of honor
belongs to the liver.

Why do you suppose Napoleon
lost the Battle of Waterloo?

A stagnant liver.

- Have you got that?
- Yes.

If you find that I dictate too fast for you,
just let me know.

Oh,
you can't dictate too fast for me.

Hmm...

What do you suppose brought
on the decline and fall of Rome?

Because the livers
of Italy were sluggish.

As a man eats,
so shall he think.

The world still thinks it can
eat what it likes and still survive.

This is poppy-cock.

Do you want some raw carrot?

- No, thank you.
- Good for you. Builds brain cells.

Oh, really?
You know, I always thought it was fish that...

Fish. Fish.

A popular fallacy.

- What did I say last?
- Poppy-cock.

Ah, good morning.

Good morning.

- How's the chief?
- Healthy.

You're telling me?

I put him through his
exercises at 7:30 this morning.

I'm bright as
a new dollar myself.

Well, that wasn't very bright.

Oh I... I'm sorry.
I keep forgetting my own strength.

But there's nothing like being
in the pink of physical condition.

And that's what I am.

You don't believe me?

- Take a look.
- Uh, Ernest, Ernest,

will you please go
somewhere else and play?

What's the matter?
Are you ashamed of the human body?

No, not ashamed,
just a little tired.

After two hours
of the human liver,

I don't care if I ever
see a body again.

Well...

Take a look at that.

Well...

That's me.

Uh...

Before your accident?

What do you mean?
The best part of that picture is me.

Take a look at that torso.

Only the face ain't mine.

Can you imagine that?

A perfect specimen of
muscular development like that

and they stick a pretty
face like that on top of it.

Sabotage, that's what I call it.

Don't get excited.
That ain't a fire.

Well, what is it, then? Watch.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

All ready now!

One, two,

three, four.

One, two,

three, four.

All right, get in this,
Miss Baldwin.

This is our 11:00 cobweb chaser.

One, two, three, four, five...

- Oh, dear.
- Come on, come on, come on.

Snap into it.

Bending exercise.

Front, back,

left, right.

Knee bending exercises.

One,

two,

three,

four...

I'm afraid you'll be
a little bit stiff tomorrow.

Not me, I'll be paralyzed.

- One.
- Did you find that roughage data?

- Yes.
- Two.

I want to finish that editorial.

Three...

You'll have to
wait until the storm blows over.

Four.

Hold.

Forward. Hold.

Good morning, Mr. Crosby.

Crawl.

What is this for, Mr. Gilbert?

Stimulates the liver.

The Portuguese have
been doing it for years.

Is that so?

Number six now.

Ready?

Here, here, young fellow.

Say, what's the meaning of this?

E pluribus unum.

What's going on here?

Oh, Mr. Crosby,
I'm glad you got here in time to see this.

So am I!
Is this your idea of getting out a magazine?

Inhale. Exhale.

Mr. Gilbert's 11:00
cobweb chaser.

Five minutes of these exercises
steps up efficiency remarkably.

I've been 30 years in
the publishing business,

but this is the first time I've seen
an office turned into a playground.

Got a lot of snap into it today,
chief.

- They're taking hold swell.
- Don't interrupt me, young man.

Mr. Gilbert, you're in full charge of
the editorial policy of this magazine.

But don't you think our
employees should be kept at work?

But these exercises make
them do their work better.

- Improves their condition.
- Condition?

What do I care
about their condition?

Anybody can see that.

Look at that. Soft as mush.

It's time you started
worrying about your condition.

Now, hold on, Ernest.
This is Mr. Crosby,

president of
Crosby Publications.

Well, he still don't want to die young,
does he? Do you?

Of course, not.

Look at Fred here, hard as a rock.
Why?

Because I get him up every
morning and give him a work out

and you need the same thing.

- Come on down and I'll show you.
- But I don't want to.

I haven't the slightest
intention...

Listen, the longer you put it off,
the tougher it will be.

I don't want to.
Let go of me. Do you hear?

And if these simple rules
of living are put into effect,

America will get
a new efficiency.

There will be...

- Oh, more calisthenics, I suppose?
- No, lunch.

- Oh, good, I'm so hungry.
- Sit down.

- I thought you said lunch.
- Certainly.

It will be brought to you. We serve
our employees at their desks and at cost.

- No!
- Certainly.

- Why, that's wonderful.
- Hmm.

- What's this?
- Lunch.

Buttermilk and a bran muffin.

You won't have that loggy
feeling from a heavy stomach.

In fact,
you'll never know you had anything to eat.

You know, Mr. Gilbert, you could
get the same effect by not eating at all.

I must say, I'm very pleased the way you've
taken hold this first day, Miss Baldwin.

- How do you feel?
- Well, I felt fine, before I got healthy.

Well, I feel just as chipper
as when the day started.

- Oh, really?
- Yes.

Now, here's a textbook on
human health I want you to read.

And these are back
numbers of the magazine.

I want you to soak, so to speak,

in the ideals and
principles of our work.

- Well, what shall I read first?
- All of them.

The book is merely to give you
a basic understanding of human health.

The magazines will show you
how we are trying to improve them.

Study the book,
and then read the magazines for recreation.

- Is there something else?
- No, that's fine. That's fine.

I must say,
I like your interest.

I'm only sorry that, uh, I haven't
more time to tell you more about it now.

But, say,
have you got a dinner engagement tonight?

Oh, no...

Then, well,
why don't you have dinner with me?

- Oh, I'd love to.
- You're hungry, huh?

- Yes, I'm starved.
- Well, that's a good sign.

Come on, then.

You know, there's no reason why everyone
in this country shouldn't be twice as healthy.

And that means twice as
happy and twice as efficient.

Oh, I think that's a wonderful idea.

Oh, have I shown you our article on body
tone and office efficiency in the May issue?

- No.
- Ah, here we are.

- Uh...
- Do you wish to order now, sir?

Hmm.

What would you like,
Miss Baldwin?

Oh, I'd like a steak.
A big steak, smothered with onions.

That sounds very good,
doesn't it?

Make it two,
with assorted vegetables.

Yes, sir.

Here we are.

I think it's one of the best things
I've ever done. See what you think.

"What is a man's first thought
when he wakes each morning?

"If he's healthy and normal,

"it will be to look forward eagerly
"to the problems of the day."

Yes.

Now, there's no reason why everyone
shouldn't feel that way all the time.

Oh...

Looks good, doesn't it.

Do you mind if I just,
sort of, dive right in?

Go right ahead.

Protos,

the greatest substitute
for meat in the world.

Nothing but vegetables
and nuts ground together.

But it looks exactly like a steak,
doesn't it?

Mmm-hmm.
And it's much better for you.

How do you like it?

Well, it's about time.
I'd begun to be worried about you.

Hey! What happened?

What's the matter?
Haven't you had any dinner?

Sure.
Horse hair and mattress stuffing.

What are you talking about?

My boss took me to dinner.

- And fed you horse hair?
- Straw.

- Are you crazy?
- Is he crazy?

I wait for years.

Finally, I pick my man.
And what is he?

A slave driver,
a calisthenics expert.

A guy that lives on
mattress stuffing.

Do you see that, it's meat.

Ah, but it's bad for you.

You lose your teeth,
your eyesight, your brain cells.

It's slow death.

Steak! Mmm, come kill Mama.

He looks into your eyes to find
out the condition of your liver.

There's nothing human about him.
He's a total loss.

And that's what I picked.

Helen,
he didn't even know I was there.

Well, I told you.

You told me what?

That you're no Maizie.

You pick a man and
look what you get.

One that's not even normal.

It's back to school for you,
honey.

Oh, what a pity, what a pity.

He looks so nice,
and when he smiles...

He smiled twice today.

I tell you,
it warms you right down to your toes.

Where are you going?

To get a big dose of
sulfur and molasses.

Fred! Fred!

Why, Fred, old vitamin.

- Hello.
- How have you been?

Well, I haven't seen you for ages.
What got you out so early?

I'm not getting out.
I'm just getting in.

Ah, you're looking just as
disgustingly healthy as ever.

Well, you don't.

You ought to come right out
here and do some road work.

Go way, go way, go way.
You make me dizzy.

I'd like to come up
and see you sometime,

but you're always so
confoundedly busy.

Why don't you give
me a ring sometime?

Hold your horses, dynamite.

Say, I almost forgot it.

Thanks for tipping me off to
that Supreme Secretarial School.

Did I get a good one.
Oh, she's a sensation.

Well, I've had pretty good luck
there, too.

I've had her two weeks already
and she's the perfect secretary.

Oh, fine.
I'll be seeing you. Right.

So long, Fred.

Go ahead, old man.

- Oh, good morning, Miss Baldwin.
- Good morning.

You beat me here again.

Oh... Another flower.

I know what you're going to say,
but I'll risk the hay fever.

Well, I've thrown out about 14 already.

How long do I have
to keep this up?

- Until you break down.
- You win.

Did you get the photographs
from the art department?

- Yes, I have them right here.
- Good.

- Could I see them, please?
- Yes.

Just a minute.

I'm surprised at you,
Miss Baldwin.

Why?

I asked you to get me two or
three cuts to illustrate my article

on common sense
in outdoor sports.

Well, I did, Mr. Gilbert.

Well, I thought you'd been here long enough
to appreciate the ideals of Body and Brain.

Pictures like this are
cheap and sensational.

Oh, I don't see why.
They're all dressed for sports, aren't they?

Hmm, undressed, if you ask me.

A lot of semi-nude women.

Well, you see,
I know that everybody

likes to look at pictures of pretty girls,
so I thought...

Mr. Gilbert's office.

Yes, right away.

Mr. Crosby wants to see you.

Well, these won't do.

Take them back and get
me some sensible cuts.

Yes, sir.

Now, relax.
You're in this exercise, too.

A little unity.

I'll never get over this.

Ow!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

What are you trying to do?

Save your breath
for the exercise.

Now breathe deeply. Inhale.

Exhale.

Ah...

Oh, this is wonderful.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hiya, chief! Exercising.

Perhaps I'd better wait until Ernest
gets through with you, Mr. Crosby.

What I've got to
say won't take long.

Of all my magazines,
I feel that Body and Brain

has the best idea behind it.

Well, I'm glad you think so.

But last month's
circulation was a new low

and this month's
is another new low.

Well, have you got any improvements
to suggest in the magazine?

That's your business.

But I want results, Gilbert.

Results.

Ooh...

- Now relax.
- I can't.

You'll be sore for a couple of days,
but pay no attention to it.

It's all in the mind.

Are these sensible enough,
Mr. Gilbert?

The printer's waiting to see you.
Do you want to see him?

No.

Is anything wrong, Mr. Gilbert?

No.

Oh, just a minute, Miss Baldwin.

Um...

- I'd like to speak to you about something.
- Yes?

Um... Are you busy this evening?

Why, no.

Do you suppose you could meet me,
say, in Central Park?

I'd love to.

Well, uh, what about 8:30?

Just inside the 96th
Street entrance?

8:30,
just inside the 96th Street entrance.

That's right.

Hello.
Oh, hello!

Shall we get started?

Oh...
Yes, I like to walk for an hour every night.

Now, Miss Baldwin,
I'm going to be quite honest with you.

I like you very much.

- I'm so glad, Mr...
- And I have a feeling that you like me, too.

- Yes, I do.
- Yes.

I'm afraid I was a little bit abrupt with
you this morning about those photographs.

Oh, that's all right.
I just thought

they might brighten
up the magazine.

Hmm,
so you think it needs brightening, huh?

Well, you know,
you're getting out a magazine

for people to read
and I thought that you...

Well, don't be afraid to say what you think.
I admire frankness.

A man with a purpose as serious
as mine is apt to become biased.

I might even lose my
proper perspective.

And I suppose even with a subject
as scientific as diet and body-building,

one has to remember that
we're trying to reach the public.

And I suppose we should make the magazine
reach as many of that public as possible.

I would even go
so far as to say...

Would you go so far as to
walk a little slower, Mr. Gilbert?

Oh, certainly. But the whole value of
exercise is in the brisk pace that you set.

I just can't stand the strain.

Oh, Mr. Gilbert,
what is it you want to talk over with me?

The magazine.
What's the matter with it?

Well...

Well, if I wanted to appeal to people,
I'd use a little showmanship.

Give them some laughs.
Laughing is good for people.

Besides,
nobody wants to pay for instruction.

You've got to fool them into it.

You mean make a sort of a racket out of it,
I suppose?

Sure. Why not?
Everybody else does it.

You buy toothpaste, because a couple
of blackface comics make you laugh.

Coffee isn't coffee anymore,
it's an amateur hour.

And soap...
Why, soap's the road to love.

Ballyhoo, that's what gets 'em.

- Is that so?
- Yes.

You seem to know a lot about magazines,
don't you?

I was editor of my college
magazine for two years.

Really?
Well, then, what precisely do you suggest?

Just what you've got, Mr. Gilbert,
but with some new trimmings.

Now, take your covers.

Who wants to look at a man
with great bulging muscles?

Everybody likes to look
at a beautiful woman.

Put her in one of those bathing
suits you could thread a needle with

and everybody will stop and look.

The women will try to
figure out how they can...

Wait just a minute, just a minute,
just a minute, Miss Baldwin.

I'm not putting out
a sex magazine.

Body and Brain is
a dignified publication.

But it doesn't have to be dull.

Well, that's where we don't agree.
I don't think it is dull.

I don't think you're enjoying your walk,
Miss Baldwin.

Have you any further
observations to make?

Yes, I have.

- It's beginning to rain.
- That's fine. I love rain.

So do I, on the roof.

Oh, you're spoiled and soft.

I'm cold and wet.

Well, walk faster.
Get your blood circulating.

Inhale deeply.

- I'm catching cold.
- Oh, that's nonsense.

What I can't figure out is how
a man like you catches cold.

You live right, you eat right,
you breathe deep.

I don't know. It's got me.

Oh, take that thing away.
Get me my shoes.

What are you going to do?
I'm going to the office.

What are you trying to do?
Kill yourself?

A man who's built up body resistance
like I have doesn't kill himself.

Now, listen, chief, fun's fun,
but you ain't going to no office.

This is one time
I'm taking charge.

- What about the magazine?
- It'll keep.

Yeah,
but tomorrow is the deadline.

Listen, if you get up out of bed today,
tomorrow will be your deadline.

The dummy's okayed
and everything.

I'll just go down and tell Miss
Baldwin to shoot it through.

You tell her I got a sprained ankle,
not a cold.

Will you please tell the printer there
will be some changes in the dummy?

We won't be ready to go to
press until late this afternoon.

Thank you.

You wouldn't believe the guy on
that cover is really me, would you?

Well, I'll have to take your word for it.

But I still don't believe it.

Somebody's gone crazy.

Good morning, Mr. Gilbert.

Good morning, Mr. Gilbert.

Good morning, Mr. Gilbert.

Good morning, Mr. Gilbert.

- Why did you do it?
- Uh, oh, you mean the magazine.

Of course I mean the magazine.

You take advantage of my absence
and put an atrocity on the market.

- Why did you do it?
- Oh, I know I took a great liberty,

but I wanted to help you.

I thought if you could see one
issue with a little human appeal,

you'd realize the value of it.

Human appeal?
You've ruined the magazine.

Oh, that's not fair,
Mr. Gilbert.

Why, every article and editorial
in there is yours.

Just as you lined it up.

I merely put a new dress on it.

Gave it a little
ballyhoo to help it sell.

Look what you've done to my
article on calisthenics in the home.

Illustrated with an actress
taking a sunbath upside down.

And in place of my diet chart,

you've got two pages of actors and
actresses fooling around Palm Springs.

But everybody's
interested in movie stars.

And everything they do.

And that shows
how they keep fit.

This is a health magazine,
Miss Baldwin.

Health. Not a circus.

You were brought in here as a secretary,
not an advisor.

Just because I was foolish
enough to ask your opinion

about the magazine,
you took advantage of it.

You're like all the other
women in business,

you can't keep your place.

- Let me tell you something...
- No, I'll tell you, Mr. Gilbert.

You insult people and
you act like a lunatic.

- What?
- There, I'll get a few off my chest.

- That'll be all out of you.
- No, it won't either.

You oughtn't to be
editing a health magazine.

You ought to be getting
a paper out for cracked nuts.

You're not a human being,
you're an animated carrot.

You're fired.

No, I'm not.
I've already resigned.

Well, there's no use smoking yourself
to death just because you got fired.

I didn't get fired. I quit.

What makes me so mad is that I
was only trying to help his old magazine

and he thanks me with
a punch in the nose.

- How do you like that?
- I don't like it.

But it serves you right for ever
letting on you're smarter than a man.

They can't take it.

It was a crazy idea
in the first place.

Well, now that you've had your fun,
maybe you're ready

to come back to school where you belong.

If that's that Ernest again,
I'll...

Make him go away, will you?

Watch.

Well? Well, what?

I'm asking you.

Don't be so bellicose.

- You know, you...
- Men don't like women who are bellicose.

- I...
- I don't want to have no trouble from you.

Meet Mr. Gilbert.

I came to see Miss Baldwin.

- Miss... Miss Baldwin?
- That's right.

Oh, well, uh, oh, yes, Carol.

Miss Baldwin isn't here.

That's all right.
I don't mind waiting.

What did you come here for?

Well, I...
I've got something to say to you.

I thought you said
everything this morning.

I forgot to say that you
saved the magazine.

And by doing that,
you probably saved my job, too.

The newsstands are sold out.

And furthermore I'm going to see that
Mr. Crosby knows exactly what you did.

Well, that would be a silly thing to do.

Why, I didn't do anything.

I simply took the magazine
that you wrote,

wrapped it up in cellophane
and tied a ribbon around it.

Yes,
but that's just what made the difference.

Why, that's perfectly absurd.

I didn't do anything
anybody couldn't do.

Look, Carol,
you know the two of us together

could turn out a pretty
swell magazine.

That is,
if you'd come back to the office.

No, I...
I don't think I want to.

No? Why not?

Well...

You live by so many rules, I couldn't
possibly manage to do everything your way.

Oh, well, then do them your way.

You've already shown
me that I'm getting in a rut.

Now you can sort of
help me keep out of a rut.

- Do you really mean that?
- Certainly I mean it.

Come on, let's celebrate.
Have dinner with me.

- At the Eat Right?
- No, of course not.

I said we were
going to celebrate.

All right, all right,
sit down and make yourself comfortable.

I'll be back in a minute.

First we'll have two martinis...

and, um, then some Blue Points,

and then some filet
mignons about this thick.

About medium? Oh, no, rare.

Well, I...
I just can't believe it.

Well, I said we were going to celebrate.

You know,
a dinner like this is like getting drunk.

It doesn't kill you,
if it doesn't happen too often.

Maybe I was right about
you in the first place.

What did you think about
me the first time you saw me?

You know,
you really ought to smile all the time.

Come in!

Oh, good morning, Ernest.

- What's happened to the chief?
- I don't know.

Why? What's the matter?

Oh, keep your blouse on.
He's all right.

Well, what's the idea of
scaring me half to death?

What makes you so nervous?

Are you worried about him, too?

Oh... Oh, you mean Mr. Gilbert?

Sure. You know,
for the last week he's been acting funny.

He walks around
whistling and grinning.

He don't even take
his workout serious.

It's got me worried.

I'm beginning to think
he's just human after all.

That shows how
unobserving you are.

I knew he was human
the first time I saw him.

- Yes, Mr. Gilbert?
- Come in, please.

Right away.

Well, new dress?

- Yes, do you like it?
- Very much.

- It brings out the color of your eyes.
- Oh, I'm so glad.

Here, I'll take it.

Hello. Oh, hello Bill.
How are you?

Yes, you bet I will.

Well, I'll make time.

Yeah. Well, what about 4:00?

Right. Goodbye.

Will you take a letter to Mr. Crosby,
please?

"Dear, Mr. Crosby."

Hello, Frances.
Did you call me a while ago?

I was in conference.
Mmm-hmm.

Yeah,
he's been awful low the last day or two.

Ever since he heard his
wife was coming home.

Mmm-hmm,
today he was really awful low.

Yeah.

What do you think?
I might be leaving here tomorrow.

Mmm-hmm.

What do you mean, "canned"?

Say,
I'm getting a month's pay and a bonus

and he's fixing it up for me
to take a much better position.

Mmm-hmm.

No, I haven't,
but he's young and he isn't married.

He's a big publisher.

He gets out a magazine
called Body and Brain.

Are you screaming? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, the first time he
says "carrots and nuts" to me...

I have an appointment
with Mr. Houston.

- Hello, Fred.
- How are you, Bill?

Oh, I appreciate this, old man.

I know how busy you usually are,
but I...

Well, I just had to see you.

- You did?
- Yes.

What's the matter?

Well, to tell you the truth,
I'm in a kind of a jam.

That's why I couldn't very
well discuss it over the phone.

Oh, well, let's have it.

Well, it's this way.

My wife gets in from Europe tomorrow and,
well, you know Elsa.

She's difficult, very difficult.

Yes, I know Elsa.

- Suspicious, quick-tempered.
- Ah, but smart.

Yes, smart.
Yeah, that's just it.

Oh, listen, you will see me through,
won't you?

- Well, what do you want me to do?
- Well...

Well, you remember that secretary
I told you about?

Oh, yes,
the one you said was such a sensation.

Yes. Yes.
Oh, well, she's more than a secretary, Fred.

That is, I mean, oh, yes,
she makes such a difference in an office.

Personality.
Oh, invaluable. Yes.

- I pay her $50 a week.
- Oh, she must be good.

Worth every cent of it.
Very superior type.

Oh, I can see that.
Maybe she's too superior for Elsa.

- Huh?
- Yeah.

No.

You'll pardon my intrusion,
but Mr. Egan's here.

Oh, Miss West, come here a minute,
will you, please?

Mr. Gilbert,
I want you to meet my secretary Miss West.

How do you do?

Mr. Gilbert and I were
classmates at college.

Gee, I wish I could have been there
with you boys.

I mean,
I think education is terribly important.

I came pretty near
getting a dose of it myself.

My father was awfully
ambitious on account of me.

I can hear him like it was
only yesterday saying to Mama,

"Mama, we ought to do something
about Maizie's mind."

Only, of course, he never did,
on account of being took very sudden and

leaving me to look after poor Mama.

But even if I couldn't take a course,
I was always lapping up culture.

Yes.
Well, I think I better see Mr. Egan.

Oh, Maizie,
perhaps Mr. Gilbert would like a highball?

Oh, would you?

Oh, thanks,
I don't think I will.

Oh, that's wonderful.
I wish more men were like that.

People laugh at me for
being so temperance,

but it sure burns me up to
see men guzzling a lot of hooch.

Of course,
that's only one person's opinion.

Well, it's a very solid opinion,
if I may say so.

- Please sit down, Mr. Gilbert.
- Oh, thanks.

I... I hope you don't mind my saying
how much I admire you, Mr. Gilbert.

Why should you admire me,
Miss West?

On account of being
a publisher and so forth.

I always have admired
a man who was literary.

No? Do you read Body and Brain?

Every week.

Body and Brain comes
out every month.

I, uh, read it every week.

It's like an inspiration to me.

I try so hard to live like
it says in your magazine.

I think the body is awfully important,
don't you, Mr. Gilbert?

Oh, terribly important.

My mother was of
the same opinion.

I can hear her say now,
"Take care of your body Maizie,

"because it's all you've got."

Of course, it hasn't been very easy,
on account of my not being strong.

I often think my body's
my own worst enemy.

Well?

Oh, excuse it,
please, Mr. Houston.

Mr. Gilbert and me was
discussing our bodies.

Hmm.

And what do you think of her?

Well, very, very unusual girl.

Isn't she?

But now that you've seen her, you can
understand that with my wife coming back,

well, things are going to be
extremely awkward.

- Oh, I can see that.
- Don't misunderstand, Fred.

My wife Elsa is just
insanely jealous.

Anyhow, I've...
I've got to let her go.

- Who? Elsa?
- Oh, no, no, no, no, my secretary.

- Oh.
- Yes, and I can't just turn her out.

So I...

I want you to take her, Fred.

Me? Oh!

Fred, Fred, please, you've got to do this,
You've got to help me out.

But I've already got a secretary,
a perfect secretary.

Fred, you've got to help me out.

Look here,
my work is highly specialized.

I need somebody trained.

Well, I'll tell you what
I might be able to do.

I might be able to place her in
our stenographic department.

Oh, no, no, no,
that would never do.

No, Maizie...
I mean, Miss West, she's very ambitious.

She wouldn't consider anything
less than private secretary.

And, after all,
to an important man like you...

Well, I'm sorry, Bill.

Now I...
I'd like to help you out,

but I wish you wouldn't
insist on this thing.

Really, there is no place in
my organization for Miss West.

So long, Bill.

What did I say last?

Nothing.
You haven't started yet.

- Oh, haven't I?
- No.

You were going to do
"How to Keep Your Teeth."

- Oh, was I?
- Mmm-hmm.

Hmm, you know, Carol,
I've been thinking,

the way circulation is piling up,
why,

our work is apt to get
pretty heavy for us here.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah. Well, of course,
too much work isn't good for anybody.

Well, we're healthy.
We should be able to stand it.

No, no, now, I really mean it.

Nothing pulls one down
more than overwork.

Mr. Gilbert,
I've never heard you talk this way before.

What's the matter?
Are you catching another cold?

Of course not.

- Are you going to dictate?
- Huh? Oh, yes, of course.

Take this.

The function of
the teeth is to chew.

Yes, I've got that.

You know, Carol,
it's remarkable how you've taken hold here.

It's remarkable.
Really remarkable.

Well, I've wanted to help.

Yeah.
Well, of course, but I was thinking that,

if you could be relieved of some of
the minor office details, you know,

why you could help me
more with the magazine.

Well, I've been able to take
care of everything so far, haven't I?

Oh, yes, yes,
of course you have.

But I mean to say I was thinking that,
uh...

Well, if there was somebody around,
you know,

to answer the phone and take
routine dictation and things like that,

why, you'd have more time to help me.

Mr. Gilbert, I think another girl in
the office would just be in the way.

Why,
you don't need another secretary.

- Don't you think so?
- No!

- Do you?
- Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no,
I don't think so.

- Oh, I suppose not.
- Why, of course not.

Why, you don't need another
secretary any more than I do.

- It's perfectly ridiculous.
- Yes.

- Good morning.
- Oh, good morning.

Well, how does it feel
to be the Associate Editor?

Well, I didn't dream you were
planning anything like this.

Well, I tried to tip you off
the other day,

when I asked you about
getting a new secretary.

Oh, that's what you meant?

You know, it's very funny,
I thought you were ill.

You did? That's very funny.

Ahem.

Thank you for the flowers.

Thank you for everything.
You've been so sweet.

Oh, well, you deserve much more.

Oh,
what about your new secretary?

- How do you mean?
- Couldn't I interview some for you?

Oh, no, no, no.

I wouldn't think of bothering
you with a little detail like that.

Oh, no.
Besides, I've got one already.

Oh, Mr. Gilbert,

it's just like having one
of my dreams come true.

I must say that's
very kind of you,

but I think my Associate Editor
had better pass on you first,

just as a matter of form,
of course.

- Yes?
- Will you come in, please?

- Is... Is she a woman?
- Oh, yes.

Oh, dear,
I do hope she'll like me.

Women don't always do.

Because I know, Mr. Gilbert,
I just know I'd love working for you.

Oh, Carol, this is my new secretary,
Miss West.

- Your new secretary?
- Oh, yes, she's just reporting for work.

Hello, Miss Baldwin.

Hello.
Oh, you two know each other?

Yes, yes. I know her.

Miss Baldwin was my
teacher at business college.

Oh, well, splendid.

Why, you couldn't give me
a better recommendation.

She certainly was
wonderful to me,

more like a mother
than a daughter.

Well, that's fine.

Uh, Carol,
I think you better take Miss West

and sort of initiate her
into the mysteries of her job.

Well, I don't think there's
anything I can teach her,

but Mother Baldwin
will do her best.

Well, Miss Baldwin, fancy your
leaving the school and turning up here.

You could have knocked
me over with a truck.

Well, I was certainly surprised to see you,
Maizie.

I, uh,
hope I'm not taking your place?

Oh, no,
but don't let that worry you.

Does Mr. Gilbert know
anything about your work?

Oh, all about it. You see, Bill...
I mean, Mr. Houston,

the man I've been working for,
he's an old, old friend of Mr. Gilbert's.

Well, why did he let you go?

On account of his wife
coming home from Europe.

Can you imagine?

Well, some women are funny
that way.

I just know I'm going
to be happy here.

I think you'll find it different here,
Maizie.

I think I'll like it.
Mr. Gilbert has such a compelling personality.

I'll give you a little
advice about Mr. Gilbert.

You're wasting your ammunition.

It's closed season
all year round.

Oh, yeah?
How would you know?

Well, I do happen to know that everything
about this office is strictly business.

Why,
I do believe you're jealous.

You're in love with him,
aren't you?

Maizie, can't that mind of yours
grasp any other kind of idea?

You're too absurd.

Did you actually think
you had a chance with him?

That's the funniest
thing I ever heard.

Can you imagine that?

A fine example you
are for Young America.

Oh, what time is it?

What's the idea of crawling
back to bed after my 7:30 workout?

Oh, I was all in when you got
through with me.

Ah, don't attempt to lay
your condition at my doorstep.

You weren't out
with me last night,

or any other night
for the last two weeks.

You know, chief,
I'm ashamed of you.

After all my conditioning,
you go soft on me.

Now look at Maizie.

Hmm, she was with me.

I know, I know,
she's always with you,

but it doesn't get her
down like it does you.

Oh, no, not Maizie.

I was down to the office just
now giving my 11:00 workout

and there she was, up, bright,
gay, chipper as a mosquito.

You know, chief,
the trouble with you is you're getting old.

It's like the colic.

When it hits a man your age,
it goes tough with him.

- How many more?
- About 20, Miss Baldwin.

Keep lunch open.

I'll need you for a conference
with the Chicago advertising man.

Send Mr. Gilbert to me.

Yes, Mr. Crosby.

If and when he comes.

Hello.
Mr. Gilbert's in conference.

Send the manuscript to me.

- Yes?
- Your correspondence, Miss Baldwin.

All morning for
a couple of letters.

Maizie.

Did you do this on your
own little typewriter?

Yes,
and with my own little fingers.

You make up your own little words,
don't you?

Can't you read?

I'll have to hire an interpreter
to translate this one.

I can't understand you,
Miss Baldwin.

Mr. Gilbert's so sweet.

He never finds
fault with what I do.

Yes, I've noticed that.

He was saying only yesterday,

"Maizie,
I've never had a secretary like you."

He probably meant it.

Well, he's here.
That is, the body is.

I'm not sure about the brain.

Well, I gotta go now.

Ain't that something.

He had her out again last night,

didn't get in until
5:00 this morning.

She seems to thrive on it,
but he can't stand it much longer.

Neither can I.

I'll find out if he
wants to see you.

Hello, you seem excited.
Anything wrong?

Mr. Gilbert,
we go to press next week

and not one page of the layout
has been okayed by you.

I've had to write two
editorials over your name,

pick the art, talk to the advertisers,
keep Crosby from worrying.

I'm beginning to run
out of excuses for you.

Whoa, whoa, that's enough.
That's bad enough.

Besides, what do you suppose
I made you Associate Editor for,

if I didn't expect you
to do most of the work?

Yeah, well, you know, I can take an awful lot,
but I can't take Maizie's letters.

I've saved this brilliant
example especially for you.

"Dear, Mr. Hotchkiss."

Maizie spells the name
without the C-H.

A president of a university,
a family man with a beard,

she calls, "Dear, Mr. Hotkiss."

Well, her mind must have been wandering.

It was on a Cook's tour.
Listen to this.

"Your learned article on
the value of a milk duet."

Milk duet.

I suppose that's
milk from two cans.

Oh, no, she meant a milk diet.

Hmm.

"Your learned article on
the value of a milk duet

"will be published
in our next tissue."

Poor Maizie, I don't suppose she
was ever cut out for a business career.

No, I'm afraid she wasn't.

Well, we'll have to do something about it,
that's all.

- What do you suggest?
- She's your secretary, not mine.

Oh, that's very true. But at the same time,
I hate to hurt her feelings, you know.

I think she can stand it.

You know, if that letter got out,
it would make the magazine ridiculous.

And it's got to stop,
that's all.

Send her in here.

- Yes, Mr. Gilbert.
- Oh, just a minute.

Carol, I just want to say that I realize
that I've been loafing on the job and...

But there won't be
any more of that.

And I also realize that you've been
doing much too much of the work.

Uh, I think the two of us should
get together and go over this layout.

You wouldn't mind working Saturday afternoon,
would you?

- No, of course not.
- Well, okay, that's fine.

Just as soon as I get
through with my Maizie trouble.

Miss Baldwin,
are there two V's in liver?

Don't worry about that, Maizie.
Mr. Gilbert wants to see you.

Hello. Hello.

How about lunch?

No, I can't, Helen. I have to
work this afternoon with Mr. Gilbert.

Well, what's so wonderful about that?

Say, you look like the cat
that's had four canaries.

- Helen, it's happened.
- What's happened?

- He's firing Maizie.
- I don't believe it.

It's true.
She's in his office now.

She's been there
for over an hour.

Bet he's telling her plenty.

Uh-huh,
that doesn't sound so good.

The kind of firing that is going on
in there isn't costing anybody a job.

Shh! Here she comes now.

Something tells me this is going
to be no spot for your Aunt Helen.

Um,
I've got to go out for a little while,

but we'll get to work
just as soon as I get back.

Say about 2:30?

So you, uh, took care of Maizie?

Oh, I certainly did.

She's through with the office.

Have you told her?

Well, not yet.
That is, not exactly.

After all, in things like this,
one has to use a certain amount of diplomacy.

I'm going to explain to Maizie
how we feel about her work, and...

- Oh, sure.
- Yeah.

I'm going to have a talk with her.

Yeah.
So I'm taking her out to lunch.

Well, that will teach her a lesson.

No. Well, oh, in a delicate situation
like this, why, a wise man uses diplomacy.

What does a woman
use in a delicate situation?

Uh, I'll be back after lunch.

Yes?

Well, I'm awfully sorry, Carol.
I...

I didn't mean to stand you up like this,
but...

You see, my Aunt Agnes just
got in town from Schenectady

and I have to take her out to dinner.

But would you mind meeting
me in the office after dinner?

Well, it wouldn't make any
difference if I did, would it?

The work has to be done.

Yeah, well, good girl.
Then I'll see you at 8:00.

Hello, Carol,
aren't you through work yet?

- Where's the chief?
- Don't ask me?

I thought he was
working with you.

So did I.

Maybe you'll learn a man's
mind isn't always on his work.

What a worm. What a worm.

No, Ernest, I'm the worm.

And if anybody should ask you,
she's about to turn.

Yes? Well?

Look, Carol, I...
I didn't mean to hold you up, honest I didn't.

But right after dinner I said,
"Aunt Agnes, you got to go home."

She said, "I'm going to Atlantic City,
and what's more, you're coming with me."

Of course,
I kicked like a steer,

but you know how
it is with a woman.

Yes, Mr. Gilbert,
I know exactly how it is.

Oh, I... I think you should go.

You...
You definitely need a rest.

You've been overworked.
Yes, Atlantic City would do you a lot of good.

Happy weekend.

The man's gone crazy.

No, Ernest, just human.

- And how did he get that way?
- I did it.

Ha,
I did it with my little hatchet.

I hatched him from a health
egg into a human being.

Got him all fixed
for Maizie to pick off.

Oh, I can fix it for other people,
you know.

Because I'm efficient.
I'm a business woman.

But not anymore.

Oh, no, let him get somebody
else to do his work for him.

Say, Mr. Gilbert, will you come over
to the art department for a moment?

Mr. Lawrence wants
you to call him right away.

It's quite necessary
that you okay this copy.

Mr. Gilbert, Mr. Crosby's been trying
to get you since early this morning.

All right,
see if you can get him on the phone.

Mr. Gilbert,
I can't okay this until you look it over.

Say, what is this?
What's going on here?

Will you please
sign this editorial?

Will you give me
a chance to get my hat off?

Carol... Carol!

Good morning, darling.

Hmm.

What's the matter with my toots?

- Don't call me toots.
- Why not?

In the office,
I'd like you to remember it's Mr. Gilbert.

All right,
anything you say, toots.

The shop foreman is waiting to see you,
Mr. Gilbert.

We can't go ahead with these
color plates until you've okayed them.

Carol.

Hiya, chief.
Nice to see you back.

- How's your Aunt Agnes?
- Where's Carol?

Oh, you mean that human dynamo who
made the wheels go around in this office?

Yeah. Where is she?

What do you care?
You're doing all right.

- You still got Maizie.
- Shut up. Where is she?

Oh, haven't you heard?
She's gone. Left. Resigned.

Thrown up the sponge.
She's quit.

I'm Mr. Gilbert.
I want to see Miss Baldwin.

- She's busy, Mr. Gilbert.
- How long will she be busy?

She said all day.

But I've got to see her.
It's very important.

I'm sorry, Mr. Gilbert.

Miss Davis,
I want to talk to Carol.

- She's busy.
- But I tell you, I've got to see her.

She doesn't want to see you.

She doesn't want to talk to you.

- And she doesn't intend to.
- Oh, she doesn't?

Mash, dash, clash, dash.

- I want to talk to you.
- I'm busy.

I never saw you
when you weren't.

Crash, mash.

Will you please go.
You're disturbing my class.

If I don't see you for five minutes,
I'll disrupt the class.

Girls, do your warming up
exercises until I come back.

Listen, Carol,
I know it's partly my fault,

but I'm back on the job
now and I need you.

I'm not going
back to the office.

Why not?

Because I don't want to.

I don't like the work.
I don't like the office.

I don't like working for you.

Now will you please
stop annoying me?

Listen, Carol,
I promise it won't happen again.

From now on,
I'll be working right alongside you.

Right alongside you?

I suppose that ought to make
me sing a couple of songs.

You're so satisfied
with yourself

and you keep on making one
mistake right after the other.

First you act like
a fussy old maid.

Next, you're sillier than
a college boy out on a spree.

You haven't any sense at all.

Why, anybody could have told you
how to improve your old magazine.

Come back and work for you?
I should say not.

Why you're... You're stubborn,
you're conceited, you're selfish.

You're incompetent
and you're such a fool.

I never want to see you again.

Upsy-daisy.
Sun is shining, birdies singing.

Up and at 'em, chiefie-wiefie.

Well, Little Boy Blue is up
early this morning.

Couldn't you sleep?

No.

What's the matter,
have you gone nuts?

Yeah.
No, that is, I have been, but I'm not now.

Well, wait a minute,
maybe I'm nuts.

Ernest,
I've got it all figured out.

I couldn't sleep and I
was sitting here thinking

and all of a sudden I realized
what was the matter with me.

- What?
- I'm in love.

Now think of that.

What a sap I've been
not to think of it before.

Oh, Ernest,
she's a wonderful girl

and when I think
what's happened,

how patient and loyal and sweet
she's been, why,

I just want to spend the rest
of my life trying to make her happy.

Well, you don't have to kiss me.
That will make nobody happy.

No, but she...
She's an angel, really, she is.

Listen, this is no thrill for me.
Save it for Maizie.

Maizie? I'm talking about Carol.

- Carol? You mean, you, Carol...
- Sure.

Now that's something.

Sure. I've been in love with
her for weeks and didn't know it.

Oh, Ernest, you know,
it's a wonderful thing.

You know there's something wrong with you
and all of a sudden you find out what it is.

It's a love story,
that's what it is, chief.

A beautiful love story.

There's one thing that worries me.
What's that?

Maizie.
What are you going to do about Maizie?

Oh, there won't be any trouble with Maizie.
No trouble at all.

- Yes?
- Take a letter.

- Must I, dear?
- If you please.

"Dear Mr. Jones."
If I talk too fast, let me know.

"I have studied
with great interest

"your system of regulating
rates of office work

"by the use of graphs registering
the relative curves of efficiency."

- I didn't get that last.
- Why didn't you?

I don't know how you expect to be heard,
if all you do is mumble.

- I never mumble.
- So you say.

Hmm. I'll give it to you again and
be good enough to listen this time.

I'll listen,
if you don't mumble.

"I have studied with great interest
your system of regulating rates

"of performance of office
work by the use of graphs

"registering the relative
curves of efficiency."

How do you spell "efficiency"?

You wouldn't know how to spell "efficiency,"
would you?

You don't even
know what it means.

Please don't mumble your words.

Now, look here, Maizie...

What are you trying to do,
get rid me?

Because if you are,
you might as well stop trying.

I've got no notion of leaving.

I like it here, see?

I like the hours
and I like the pay.

Some of the people give
you a pain in the neck,

but then you can't
have everything.

Don't worry about me leaving,
toots.

When I get ready to leave,
I'll leave.

Well, chief, how'd you make out?

I was listening at the door,
but all I could hear was a lot of mumbling.

Maizie isn't leaving.
Maizie likes it here.

What I can't understand is how you
come to get hold of her in the first place.

How'd I come to
get hold of her...

Ernest, you're a genius,
a wizard.

A veritable Einstein.

How did I get... Get out,
I've got a lot of important work to do.

Hello,
get me Mr. Houston right away.

Why, Fred old man, how are you?

Why I was just saying to
myself only this morning,

"I must give dear
old Fred a ring,"

and here you come right
along with a telephone call.

The more I see of telepathy,
the more I believe in it. Yes, sir.

Oh, shut up.
Talk, talk, talk, and say nothing.

- And how's Maizie?
- Oh, she's fine.

Say, Bill,
it's about Maizie that I called you up.

Isn't she a joy?
Yes, I have a treasure, too.

She looks like the Black
Hole of Calcutta.

Yeah, my wife picked her out.

Hey, listen, Bill. Will you listen to me,
while I try to tell you something?

Now, I'm not the man for Maizie
and I want to give her back to you.

Mr. Crosby,
I can't tell you how glad I am to see you.

- Yeah. I've been thinking...
- I certainly am glad to see you.

You know, I was just thinking about you,
when you came in.

There's something of great
importance I have to tell you.

- Yes.
- The reason I...

Now, now.

You know, most secretaries are machines,
but believe me, she's more than a machine.

- Yes, she's really a superior type.
- I'm not...

Mr. Crosby,
you've done a lot for me.

Now I have a chance
to do you a good turn.

Now I feel that after
her record with me that

Miss West should have more
opportunity than this office can afford her.

She has the personality to be the private
secretary to a very important man like...

Like yourself.

Did you want me, Mr. Gilbert?

Oh, yes, Maizie. I'd like you to meet
Mr. Crosby, the president of our company.

Oh, I'm so glad to meet you,
Mr. Crosby.

I've heard your voice
so often over the phone

and every time I've tried to
imagine what you look like.

Oh, yes, over the phone.

I'm afraid I was a little
short with you this morning.

Oh, I didn't mind.

As a matter of fact,
I prefer short men.

Some of the greatest men
in history were short men.

For instance,
there was Napoleon,

who has always
been an ideal of mine.

I suppose I shouldn't say it,
Mr. Crosby,

but from the very first day I
heard your voice over the phone,

I said to myself,
"There is Napoleon."

No? Did you?

I really did,
because I'm a firm believer in carnation.

How would you
like to work for me?

Oh, Mr. Crosby,
it's just like having all my dreams come true.

Suppose we go up to my office?

We can talk better up there.

If you wish it, Mr. Crosby.
I'll get my hat.

All I know is they gave up their
apartment with almost a month's rent

paid in advance and I
didn't ask no questions.

Didn't they leave any
forwarding address?

No. They just put their
things in their trailer and...

- Trailer?
- Yeah, you know one of those land yachts.

And they had a new car, too.
They just pulled out.

Yeah, but you must know
which direction they went.

Sure,
they went down the street that way.

Well, if I had known how
much fun it was to quit work,

believe me, I wouldn't have slaved these
last 18 years without a single vacation.

Will you sit down?
How do you expect me to do any work?

I'm trying to think.

I can't think so
good standing still.

Well, take a run around the block.

I can't understand how you
keep your mind on your work.

I can't. But the magazine's
got to go to press, doesn't it?

Did you get any answers
to them want ads?

No.

I had a swell idea,
but the cops wouldn't go for it.

What was it?

To have photographs of Carol and
Helen in every post office in the country.

You know, like the police do,

and then have a reward for
whoever saw them and told us about it.

But the cops
weren't co-operative.

They said the girls
wasn't public enemies.

You know, if we somehow...
Shh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

I've got an idea.

Listen, get Jones from the art
department and bring him here right away.

Okay.

Now what are you stopping for?
Another newspaper, I suppose.

I want some gum.

If you're looking for the new
issue of Body and Brain,

it's in the rack outside.

Copy of Body and Brain, please.

- Have you forgotten anything?
- Huh?

Toothbrushes,
toothpaste, tan lotion?

Oh, no, no, thank you.

Well, now that you've got it,
I hope you feel better.

I just wanted to see
the general layout.

Am I insane?

Well, are you?

He'll think so,
before I'm through with him.

I want all of these.
All of them.

Hey, what are you going to do?

Make him eat it or
maybe just shoot him.

Look at what you're doing.
I want to live to see this.

Well, the magazine was in
all the newsstands yesterday.

Even if they got as far
as Boston or Baltimore,

Carol ought to show up today.

Look, look, here they are!
It worked. Look.

Look, Ernest, you go down and
stop Helen from coming in with her.

I want to talk to her alone.
Hurry.

Come in.

Hello, toots.

Listen, look, Maizie,
I'm very busy this morning.

Oh,
I only dropped in for a minute.

I thought you might
be glad to see me.

Well, I am, Maizie, but, uh...

And I do want to thank you
for all you've done for me, Fred.

I just love working
for Mr. Crosby.

Yeah, I was sure you would,
but, listen...

I've got a lot of
work to do now.

Look,
I'm awfully busy and you...

Why did you do this?

- Why?
- Now, Carol, darling...

I left town just to get away from you,
why did you have to pursue me with this?

- Now, listen, Carol...
- I can't understand it.

I just can't understand it.

I worked day and night for you.

I did everything I
could to help you.

When I left, it was because I
just couldn't stand it any longer.

Why, Miss Baldwin,
you're getting all red in the face.

Maizie, the time has come.

I've been wanting to do
this ever since I first saw you.

You're a pest and a menace!

Miss Baldwin,
how could you say such things?

When I'm through with him,
you can have him.

Until then,
I can't bear looking at you.

You don't have to worry anymore,
Miss Baldwin.

I work for Mr. Crosby now.

- What?
- I'm on his staff now.

You'll never know
how he leans on me.

Carol, I know I've been an awful fool,

but I got rid of the lady
just as fast as I could.

As a matter of fact,
the day after you left.

Why did you want to
make me ridiculous?

It was the only way.
I wanted you to come back.

I don't wanna come back.

- Are you insane?
- What?

Enough to marry me?

Inhale.

Exhale.

I can't believe it.