All language subtitles for Last of the Summer Wine - Season 26 Episode 2

It's a while since I did this.

Didn't do it in the police force,
then? Problem was keeping
your helmet on.

Didn't you've a chin strap?
Very dangerous, chin straps.

A person could creep up behind,
grab your helmet, start pulling back
and there you were being strangled.

Did it ever happened to thee?
Fairly regularly.

Sounds a bit rough.
Where were you stationed?

It wasn't at work. It happened
at home. It was the former
Mrs Truelove.

As soon as I came through the door,
wallop! Grab your helmet.

Why don't you get something on?

If you can't stand the heat,
keep away from the oven.

You don't see me parading
outdoors in only my nightie.

Only?! I've seen it on the line.
You call that only?

You need planning permission
for that these days!

Talk about a granny flat! You should
be wearing flannelette at your age.

Them things don't belong with
a senior rail card.

He had lovely manners.

But then he was foreign.

How foreign?

In some respects, very.

I've enough trouble with the
natives without going foreign.

I'm teaching him a few card tricks,
improving his social skills.

He'll be in demand at parties. Top
hat, tails, rabbit up his sleeve.

He'll need one up his jumper
to put some life into him(!)

Old fashioned. He should try
something different.

Maybe juggle three washing machines?
I could supply.

How to shine at parties -

that's always been my problem.

How do you take
a bow and arrow to a party?

The question is, WHY would you want
to take a bow and arrow to a party?

In case somebody asks,
"Is there anybody here who
is good on a bow and arrow?"

Ask that a lot, do they? I've heard
them ask if you can play
a musical instrument.

There is your cue then! You leap up
and shout, "I can play the bow
and arrow."

They can hum along with it.

It's no good if
you haven't got one with you.

It's a spur-of-the-moment thing.

You've got to catch them
while they are in the mood.

You know what they're like
at parties. Ugly.

Ugly? I don't know why.

I just know the one who gets
you in a corner, always ugly.

It'll get better as
the night goes on.

Anyway, when you get back with
your bow, they've probably
forgotten who you are.

Probably won't even let you back in.
They'll be watching me doing
card tricks.

I went to some very funny
parties in the vice squad.

The dress codes were very relaxed.

I do good at parties. I tell future.
What sort of stuff you tell 'em?

I tell them, buy a washing machine.

Does it work? Better than bow
and arrow.

Pick a card.

Eight of hearts. Don't tell me,
I'm supposed to tell you.

Oh, all right then. What was it?

Eight of hearts. Smiler!

That was marvellous!

I sometimes wonder if you two look
like the kind of executive smoothies

one expects to see behind the modern
business handcart.

Give us a chance!
He's learning card tricks.

I am going to be in demand for
social occasions. But will it
improve his style, business-wise?

The trouble here is we don't look
like a slick, modern operation.

I think that's a fair comment.

Your handcart's past it.
Look who's talking!

Don't get excited. We're here
on behalf of a charitable cause.

Dash it, and I've just given my
last penny to some starving orphans.

She thinks on her feet,
you've got to give her that.

I always found that
things got trickiest when
you were off your feet.

Did you spend much time
being ill, Auntie Ros?

It's about now your mother
would say, "Drink your coffee."

I wouldn't say I was
ever really ill, love,

it was more that I tended
to give in under pressure.

I think we all
sometimes feel like that.

Not quite like that, we don't.

Let's face it, there's none of us
under much pressure these days.

But what about when
you were courting?

Your Sunday-best had to last.

There was no way you could
afford the wear and tear
of more than one steady boyfriend.

Besides, if you went home with
any creases, there was uproar.

I must have missed all that.

I gave up love for money
and we've lived happily ever since.

Just remember, this is for charity.

We're looking for something
exceptional in a nearly-new oven.
For the church hall.

What did we do with that
exceptional, nearly-new oven?

I left it to him. Eh?

I don't remember any...
Step inside, ladies.

By exceptional, as well as
beautiful condition, we were thinking
of something very reasonable.

Reasonable is what we're famous for.

Ow!

Are you in pain, Mr Simmonite?
Only till five o'clock.

HE IMITATES SOUND OF AEROPLANE

No, I told him, I've done it.

Personally. More than once.

I swore an oath on
the Gardener's Weekly.

There is no arguing with that.
It was all that was handy.

He must have believed you then.
There's no messing lightly
with a Gardener's Weekly.

Not him. Not old McDermott!

So, how are you going to
convince him? I'll prove it.

I'll repeat the experiment.

Old McDermott never
believes anybody.

I am surprised he
doesn't put his talents to some
use and become a policeman.

He'd have felt right at home. His
wife's built like a police station.

The man is unreliable. He promised me
300 marbles in exchange for Lucy
Templeton, and I'm still waiting.

I only had a catapult
and a white mouse.
How come you had a Lucy Templeton?

I won her from Coggy for
holding my breath the longest. Ah
well, as long as it was all legal.

MUFFLED RADIO MESSAGE

Was that for us?

No. How do you know?

Instinct. It's good enough.

You're not going back
to sleep again, are you?
I've never been asleep.

I may have closed my eyes,
as you do when you are running
important things through your mind.

You were snoring. I was trying to
memorise things so complicated that
it could sound like snoring.

What things? Are you cleared for
classified information?

As clear as you are.
You understand that what I am about
to tell you must go no further.

I understand. All right then.

I admit, I was sleeping.

Now you've seen it, did I lie?
Is it a fine nearly-new oven?

But it's your oven,
from your own kitchen.

You can't take the woman's oven.

We might if the price is right.

You sound just like an older
version of me, Mrs Batty.

Not linked by blood, are we?
We might be, if I hear any
more cracks about older.

Will the price include delivery?

Ye gods, we're all related,
it's a family reunion.

Just remember,
this oven's for the church hall.

So think of the number
you first thought of and half it.

You'll be storing
up treasure in heaven.

But at what rate of interest?

It's them orphans I gave
my last penny to, isn't it?

They have been talking, telling
everybody what a soft touch I am.

All right. I'll throw in
free delivery.

I'm sure it was this tree.

I remember thinking,
"What a tall tree!"

I remember thinking that
particularly when I fell.

We used to fall a lot in those days.
How come we never got killed?

We were saving that for a rainy day.

Did little Bobby Watson get killed?

No. They moved to Luton.

I knew it was something sad.

I used to climb faster than this.

We were younger and fitter. I used
to be shy and unsought-after until
I took this body-building course.

Did you have much trouble
getting your money back?

Yes!

Yes! This is it,

this is the tree.

You can see Tollgate church! Ha ha!

I told McDermott, you can see
Tollgate church clock
from this tree.

Keep it down, Clegg,
we've got company. Look who's coming.

It's where young people
used to come in those days.

Young people! Oh, Howard,
it's not everybody who realises
I still fit into that category!

Cleggy reminded me.

It's such a nice, quiet spot.

It is quiet -
cut-off, remote, isolated.

It's a good job I'm confident
that you'll behave like a gentleman.

Haven't I always?

Every single time.

You're doing it again.

Unfasten your seat belt, Barry,
this is the captain speaking.

Where are we going, Glenda? We're
not going anywhere. I've got to get
a meal ready.

Where's the world going?
I don't know, but it can get
its own meals ready.

Alone at last.

It feels very like it.

Once she's alone at
last, a girl can't help
wondering what comes next.

I thought you might have some ideas.

All my planning goes into
getting us alone at last.

You should have said, I could
have brought some embroidery.

It's years since I've
done any embroidery.

A mutual interest.

I was always torn between needlework
and becoming a wrestler.

A flyweight, of course.

So those are the options?

Needlework or wrestling?

Well, since we haven't
brought any needlework...

I'm not sure it would
work without a referee.

I shall just have to
trust you, Howard, not to cheat.

If you could help me down
from this tree, I'd be
available to ensure fair play.

Cheer up, Howard,
the world's full of referees.

It's too steep. For two grown men?

Your muscle and my brains? Give over!

There's usually only one grown man
doing all the work, and that's me.

Oh yes,
am I detecting a tone of resentment?

Is this what I get after smothering
you with care and attention?

Who takes all the
management decisions?

Who keeps you free
from executive stress?

It's too steep! It's not too steep!
Trust me, that's a management
decision.

There aren't any brakes, remember.

I'll be the brake.
I'll be at the front, won't I?

Taking the weight and
keeping it from going too fast.

Are you sure about that?

That's what management's all about -
being able to see a way out of
any problems.

Let's go. Wagons roll!

Oh! Oh-h-h-h-h-h!

Ow! Ooh! Oh!

You're going too fast.
I know I'm going too fast.

That's the first
thing we have agreed on all day!

Tha's doing well,
Alvin, for a short bloke.

This is easier than staring at the
stuff on Nora Batty's clothes line.

We can understand that,
but is the staring compulsory?

You try not to,
but it draws you like there's some
terrifying presence behind it.

I've taken to drawing curtains and
wearing dark glasses on wash days.

Save your breath for blowing
your pudding and helping me!

What's Cleggy
doing up there, anyway?

I was wondering that.
You don't always like to ask.

He wanted to see
Tollgate church clock.

Why doesn't he buy a
watch like anybody else?

I heard that, Howard.

Does Pearl know about the wrestling?

Don't you dare!

A gentleman would only eavesdrop
in the strictest confidence.

I'm sure it was a momentary lapse
from his interest in embroidery.

He'll be doing several laps
if Pearl find out!

What's he gonna do
when he gets here?

Is he any good at helping
people down from trees?

We will find out, won't we?

I'm Alvin,
rescuer of people up trees.

Fancy sending Alvin!

He volunteered.

There you go! You see,
he's an idiot.

I'm Alvin, idiot and rescuer of...

If that's his idea of getting
people down, I'm staying up here!

Mother.

You wouldn't think he'd got so much
speed in him! He was a blur.

He is well known for being a blur!
My knees are still shaking.

I'm surprised they're not red-hot!

Does he always fly about like that?

It's his nature to push
where few have gone before.
I was trying to go slower!

Something that he
normally does very well.

To the left. That one's nearly as
fast wi' his mouth as t'other
one is wi' handcart.

That's it. Both there watching.
I wonder if this is just the tip of
some giant criminal enterprise.

One oven, one handcart?

Just the tip. I'm not saying
we have got as far as Mr Big yet.

Do you realise how long people
are dead? Not just long people,
short people are dead too.

Do we spend enough time
thinking about the big questions?

Do you want mash tonight or chips?
Chips.

I'm gonna begin, Glenda.

I'm gonna start thinking
about the really big questions.

Who's that coming out of number 23?

Oh, that bigger question!

I thought she was brunette.

She's brunette, that's not her.

She could be just a friend. She
doesn't look like just a friend.

She looks like someone who
shouldn't be there with make-up on
when his wife's away.

We've no evidence
for thinking that.

Oh, really? What do you think she
might be doing there? Maybe his wife
asked her to keep an eye on him.

You really think she's the
kind a wife would pick for
keeping an eye on her husband?

I can see her with an eye on
somebody's husband all right,
but without being commissioned.

Maybe she has been baking for
him while his wife is away. She
looks like a baker to you?!

How can you tell at a distance?
Barry, wives are born being
able to tell from a distance.

She could be selling something.

Right(!) And don't ever
let me catch you buying.

She could be his sister. Now there
you've got me, it's true.

She could be his sister...

that looks nothing like him,
that we have never heard about and
only comes when his wife's away.

Glenda, you are getting
really suspicious about a neighbour.

One who not only keeps a
clean car but is a golfer.

You think either of those activities
guarantee his good behaviour?

They're pointers.
I keep a clean car, I am a golfer.

They aren't the things that give me
confidence in you, Barry. What then?

If you ever feel guilty,
you turn beetroot-red.

If you were misbehaving,
I couldn't help but notice.

It would be like living
with a sad fire engine.

I still say she could
be there on business.

When you get back from Disneyland,
let me know what you want for tea.

Maybe she's his secretary.

He's a travelling salesman.
Lucky she found him in, then!

Help is on its way! Keep your
spirits up, sing or something!

"Alone at last?!"

It was just our timing that was off.

The people down there are behaving
suspiciously, by the tree.

What do think they're doing?
Probably some ancient custom.

Behaving suspiciously
under t'tree(?)

They probably don't call it that.

They won't go about saying,
"Let's go and behave suspiciously
at the foot of a tree."

They'll have some ancient name
for it.

What kind of thing
could they be doing?

We're talking really ancient here.

Ten to one it's some kind of
pagan religious ceremony.

I thought they were mostly Chapel
around here. No, it's older
than that.

They hang on to their ancient
customs in these country areas.

Such as? Human sacrifice.

You think they're still
doing human sacrifice?

They have that three-legged race
on a pancake Tuesday!
How old's that?

This'll do it.

Who's going up this time?
I've got no head for falls.

He's my neighbour, I'm going up.

Oh, Howard, you will be careful?

Tell this young lady, whoever she
is, yes, I will be careful.

Yes, he will be careful.

You're not sending Howard up?
He volunteered.

Well, there you go again,
how can you trust anybody like that?

Right, now,

this is your safety net.

It can't go wrong, Howard.
Did that sound convincing to you?

I am not sure it
sounded convincing to me.

If you fall... Don't say that!
I should hate that to happen.

Even to a comparative stranger.

Nobody's going to fall but we'll
all be on the end of the rope.

If he slips,
he'll just swing gently in the air
and we'll lower him to the ground.

Where's your sense of danger?
Where's the adventure?

You might be opening a tea-room in
Leamington Spa! Have you made up
your minds who's coming up?

I am. He is.
Oh, great(!) I can understand that
Tarzan's not available, but really!

He's not going to carry you.

He's just going to watch
where you put your feet.

Will someone escort this
young lady to safety?

I would hate to fall on her.
You never give that impression(!)
He does to me(!)

They've got a truck and a rope now.
Why do they need a truck and a rope?

Hanging somebody from a truck,
bound to be illegal.

Unless...

Unless what? Unless it's his truck.

Is it illegal if it's his truck?
It gets trickier.

I'm much happier with
traffic offences. Me too.

You know what we ought to do? Go
back and get that restless beggar
who was speeding with his handcart.

Where we going to be if everybody
starts speeding wi' handcarts?

Going well, Howard, nearly there!

It's getting higher!

Yes, it does that when you keep
going up(!)

It's all right going up.
It's coming down you have to watch.

Tis the way you do it. I usually
have wonderful balance.

Does that include
your mental balance?

I'll have to think about that.

Can you see Howard, Clegg?

I daren't look,
I'm not looking down!

That's a great help(!)

I'm not supposed to help!

You are supposed to be the help!

I bet Robin Hood is
turning in his grave.

He used to practically
live in a tree!

I'm beginning to feel like
I'm practically living in a tree.

You want washing machine,
about so high. How would that help?

It would help me,
I sell washing machines.

Are you getting any nearer, Howard?

Yes. I can see Cleggy's feet.

The rest of him should
be there somewhere.

I've got him.

Hook the rope over that branch
and tie yourself to Clegg.

We'll hold the rope
and gently lower them down.

Didn't I tell you? When Truly says
you'll be safe, he means safe.

TREE MAKES CRACKING NOISE

Another book lover,
how may we help you?

Have you got
How To Poison Your Husband?

I am sorry, it's out.

Anyway, there's a waiting list.

Good heavens, a reading rush!

We want a book on the law.
Oh, we have several.

Oh, they have several.

We'll have the biggest.
We'll have the biggest.

Oh, we don't want that much.

We just want to know how
an oven can get a speeding ticket.

I'm not sure that old McDermott
believes me, even now.

Didn't you tell him you had just
been up the tree and checked it?
I told him, you know what he's like.

I think he invented suspicion.

Probably nicked from my missus.
SIREN WAILS

When I fell from the tree,
I had this ringing noise in my ears.
Now it's a siren.

Matches your underpants.

SIREN GETS LOUDER

Now where's that going?

It's old McDermott.
He's stuck up the tree trying to
see Tollgate church clock.

Remind him he owes me 300 marbles!

To old McDermott. Old McDermott.
McDermott.

I'd stay up
a tree if I had Mrs McDermott.

They start well, but they can
all finish up as Mrs McDermott.

Mine started as Mrs McDermott.

I never really looked at Mrs Clegg.

You don't when you're
living with someone.

You wake up in the night

and you take it for
granted who's lying beside you.

Good God, I had better check!

Take a card.

Thank you.