All language subtitles for tuca.and.bertie.s03e09.720p.HMAX.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_GalaxyTV - small excellence! [English] (SUBRIP)

♪ Tuca and Bertie and Tuca and
Bertie and Bertie and Tuca ♪

♪ And Tuca and Bertie,
Tuca and Bertie ♪

♪ Tu-Tu-Tuca ♪

-♪ Tuca ♪
-♪ And Bertie. ♪

(vocalizing)

Tuca, I'm unsure about Speckle.

This morning, I found him
staring out the window

while eating an entire pack
of frozen hot dogs.

(gulps)

Uh... Why don't we stop that?

O-O-O-Okay, okay.

He's depressed.

Yeah, he didn't even laugh
when I farted earlier,

and it was an objectively
funny fart.

Here, I recorded it.

DOTTIE:
Um, Bertie, Tuca,

can you hags pause
the heart-to-heart?

We're in the middle
of my wedding.

(fart recording plays)

Sorry. (chuckles, groans)
Please, continue.

I take thee, Dottie,
to be my wife at this wedding,

which establishes my alibi

for Novembird the 8th,

for richer, for poorer,
in sickness,

and in court testifying that
I could not have been involved

in any heists
on our wedding day, Your Honor.

Oh, Gordon. (chuckles)
You're so corny.

I pronounce you bird-husband
and bird-wife.

You may now kiss your lovebird.

-Mwah.
-(cheering)

And cue the doves.

(band playing)

(cheering)

You look so handsome tonight.

And you're so talented
at so many things,

like sudoku.

You're sudo-cool.

I-I'm having a hard time
figuring out

how to cheer you up, Spec.

Doesn't matter.

The world is hard,

so you might as well give up and
drink an equally hard alcohol.

That's a cucumber
berry sparkler.

Ah...

Ooh, that's smooth.

Tooks, do you want a drink?

I'm gonna have
a virgin cocktail.

I'll have the same, booze-free,

but that doesn't mean
it has to be a virgin.

I want a drink
that fucks, Figgy.

(laughs)

So, Figgy is your date?

Not like that.

I'm just a friend
who helps him stay sober.

Come on, I could make dumplings
with the steam

from your chemistry.

You don't feel anything?

Nah, I'm completely ambivalent

about his strong, leafy body

and how hot he looks
in that suit

and his intoxicating musk

of wood and figs
and that mirthful gleam

dancing in the shine
of his fruits.

Got it.

For once, I'm not horny.
I'm cool as ice.

(gasps)

I only care about one thing:

dancing it up at this wedding
before my body betrays me.

My monthly hell cramps
are due to start any moment.

Time to get jiggy
with that Figgy,

platonically.

Hey, bro. Aw, thanks
for coming to my wedding,

even though you're busy
doing nothing

since you got fired.

-Oh!
-Of course. Happy to be here.

Hey, you'll be back
on your feet soon.

You're a good man-robin.
(chuckle)

You have to be
if all your ex-girlfriends

formed a club
celebrating your clown ass.

(laughter)

I'm sorry, what?

A club of Speckle's
ex-girlfriends?

Yeah, those are some of
the women I dated before you.

Sheila, Partridgina,
Lou, Hummy, Rat-Face.

All our relationships
ended cordially,

then they found each other
on my social,

became best friends,
and formed a club.

I thought all exes did that.
Didn't yours?

Uh...

So, you dated Bertie?

For three months
in college. You?

We had to kiss
in a high school play.

I guess, for her, that counts.

Okay, I-I'm not
immediately freaking out

about how hot and cool
your exes are

and how I measure up.

This is fine.

It's not fine! You said
Speckle's exes were mean girls.

Why are they here?

Oh, they're witches,

but I knew their gifts
would be better

than anything on my registry.

Love the dress, Dottie.

You elevate off-the-rack
like no other bird.

(laughter)

You know I roll classy,
you whores. (chuckles)

They're so mean.

I need to know
their whole deal immediately.

Dating Speckle was great,
and we'll always love him,

but ultimately he wasn't
the right fit for any of us.

The best thing he did
was lead me to this

gorgeous group of goddesses.

We're a sisterhood
of mutual support.

Hype women, but also just
really good hangs.

We share a farm box.

Our group chat gives us life.

It got us through two divorces,
a miscarriage,

a bankruptcy, and a murder.

(gunshot)

Acquitted! (chuckles)

-(cheering, laughter)
-Yeah!

It was in self-defense.

(groans)

So, learning of this
group's existence

and then facing them
without any warning

is a lot.

Don't be jealous.
You won this prize,

-this dead albatross of a man.
-Not my point.

This raises a lot of questions,
such as:

If they're so great,
why are you with me?

Are you slumming it?
Am I your rock bottom?

I know myself, and I'm not gonna
relax until I get answers.

I got to infiltrate.
Will you be okay?

I ate all the rolls.

Uh, hold that thought.
I'll be right back.

(electronic dance music playing)

Ooh, baby, nope.

Find a neutral place
to rest eyes.

Okay. Ooh, boy.

You okay, Tucatooks?

Uh, yeah. Wow.

Look at her in that crazy hat.

I love hat people.
Think she'll let me borrow it?

-(gasps)
-Mmm. Oh. (moaning)

Are they... pollinating?

That's my ex
frenching that frog.

(gasps) Oh! (moans)

And she's gorgeous.

Ah, this is kind of weird.

But, yeah, who cares?
(laughs) Not you.

Right, not weird at all.

Not gonna lie,
it's kind of tough

being here right now,
seeing her.

If it helps, it's tough
for me to be here, too,

with the open bar
and everything.

But you always seemed so chill

being around booze
while not drinking.

For a night or two, sure,
but staying dry

for an entire month
has been a challenge.

Maybe it was a mistake to come.

Can't you just ignore it?

Yo, can I get your fingerprints
on this real quick?

-Awesome.
-Whoops!

(groans)

Want to dance? (laughs)

I... Uh...

Don't worry, I'm here to help.

(shouting)

-Ah!
-(screams)

Get lost, you hoppy nerd.

Try not to think about liquor.
Focus on the music.

♪ Yes, it's true,
yes, it's true ♪

♪ I love you, I love you ♪

♪ Yes, I do, yes, I do ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ I love you, I love you... ♪

Barf. This is the cover version.

Un momento.

-Hey, DJ, you're fired.
-(record scratch)

You don't have that authority.

(laughs) I'm the best friend
of the girlfriend

of the bride's brother.

(grunts) Apologies
for my audacity.

I did not know to whom
I was speaking.

Hey, cluckers,
get ready to get poultried.

It's time to do
the chicken slide.

(cheering)

♪ Bird Town is the place to be ♪

♪ And I've got a new dance
for y'all to see ♪

♪ So buckle up,
get ready to ride ♪

♪ 'Cause we're gonna do
the chicken slide ♪

♪ The chicken slide ♪

♪ Oh, we do the chicken slide ♪

♪ Now the chicken slide
is a very cool dance ♪

♪ And you can do it
in your underpants... ♪

Oh, I can never grow
a garden like this.

Don't be intimidated.
It's easy to compost,

and there are so many
worms looking

-for that kind of work nowadays.
-(sighs)

Hi. Hi there.

Hi. Sorry, but the normal way
ex clubs work

is that current girlfriends
are barred from them. (chuckles)

I thought everyone knew that.

Bummer, but good for you
and Speckle.

You two make sense together.

What does that mean?
Is that a compliment?

Yeah, we're totally
here for you.

If you ever break up.

Um... I'll be right back.

Anyways, here's
the location and time

of the secret sample sale
for that ethical purse designer.

For every purse they sell,
they send a purse to college.

(awkward chuckle)

♪ Everybody do the chicken
slide, that's right... ♪

-Where did you get that can?
-I brought it.

Okay.

Speckle, I need to
fake break up with you

to get into
your ex-girlfriends' club.

Whatever you want.
I don't have the will

to stop anything from happening.

I am pure inertia.

The breakup is just pretend.

(laughs)

Isn't everything?

(laughs)

No, Speckle,
we can't stay together.

I'm breaking up with you.

I'll be back in five minutes
to re-up this relash.

-Love you.
-(sighs)

Well, I did it.
I broke up with Speckle.

Yeah, I dumped
the light of my life,

fire of my loins,
the peanut butter

to my almond butter.

I like to blend them.

Great, we were just discussing
Sheila getting tenured.

Ooh, well, what do you teach?

Leather jackets.

Like, how to make them,

or the history of them,

-or...?
-Yes.

Take a seat, Bertie,

and help us affirm
the shit out of Sheila.

♪ Chicken slide ♪

♪ Oh, we do the chicken slide ♪

(slow, distorted):
♪ The chicken slide ♪

Sorry, technical difficulties.
The tempo is off.

And we're back.

(laughs) Excuse me for a moment.

(screams) Skort-crabs.

Ugh, the crab boil
wasn't supposed to start

until after the speeches.

♪ The chicken slide. ♪

And I sprained my toe
while saving

that nest of baby squirrels,
but I still won

the snowboarding championships.

-Oh, my God.
-So cool.
-(laughs)

Wow, so inspiring.

So, anyways, why did all of you
break up with Speckle?

Well, um, he was too scared
to leave our block.

I turned seven,
and I needed to explore

the big bad neighborhood.

Eh, you were kids.
That's totally benign.

And, you two,
did you do the dumping,

or was it mutual or...

-I'm gay.
-Same, gay.

I'm straight,
but not for Speckle.

Wow. Okay. And, Partridgina.

Look, I'm not proud of it,
but I cheated on Speckle

-with his first building.
-Building?

Speckle's a great architect,
and once it was finished,

it and I, we...
couldn't deny our feelings.

It was just so tall
and brutalist.

Those elevator shafts. (moans)

And then I got pregnant.

Go play with your siblings.

(Partridgina grunts)

You didn't mind how
Speckle was as an architect?

So consumed?

His passion
was one of the things

-that drew me to him.
-Me, too.

I love that about him.
Uh, loved.

I thought he tied too much
of his self-worth to his job.

Whenever he got insecure
about it,

he'd get so dark.

It eventually broke us.

-Oh.
-Why did you break up
with him, Bertie?

Well, I... got a new job,

and he lost his job, so...

You must have gotten tired
of being the breadwinner.

Uh-huh. I'm the breadwinner.

(glass clinking)

Hi, everybody.

(slurring):
I'm Spurkle.

The bride brother.

Reese says it's time to speech.

You're bossy, Reese.

Get out of my face.

Dottie and Gordon.
Where's Gordon?

Doesn't matter, right?

'Cause, you guys, life is like
a construction site.

It's so much work,
and it's dirty,

and it's full of rusty nails.

♪ Architecture analogy. ♪

Yeesh, and I thought
Speckle was depressed

when we were together.

Anyways, Dottie, good sister.

Gordon, nice man,

but a little bit

suspicious.

Bye-bye.

(microphone feedback)

(applause)

Speckle, I figured out
why you're depressed.

You're stressed about money,
but I can support us.

I'm a breadwinner now.

-♪ All about that money ♪
-♪ Oh, make it grain. ♪

You're right. I wasn't even
thinking about money,

but you'll need to support us,

which will put pressure on you
and limit your career ambitions.

I've become a mooch.

I'm dead weight, a leech.

Oops.

Hey, everyone.
Not that it matters anymore,

because we are
definitely broken up,

but if you ever succeeded
in cheering Speckle up,

how did you do that?

No wrong answers.
We're in brainstorm mode.

Speckle's always his best self
after a breakup.

After we split,

Speckle devoted himself
to cold-calling

every architecture firm
on his dream list,

and he got hired.

When we broke up,
he started taking

long tricycle rides
around the neighborhood.

I think it's what made him
fall in love with houses.

It's a good thing
you broke it off, Bertie.

That means
he'll be on the upswing.

No, girl, it's the best thing
you could have done for him.

What?!

Can I get everyone's attention?

Hello?

-(microphone feedback)
-(groans)
-It's that time.

Time to catch the lizard.

Can I get all the single ladies
to the dance floor?

-(applause)
-Now, whoever catches
the lizard

gets to eat the lizard
and also get married next.

But it's mostly about
that sweet lizard meat.

(cheering)

Oh, whoa there.
Oh-oh, settle down, sucker.

(overlapping shouting)

Hey, Tuca, you know how
I said Speckle is depressed?

I remember everything
you say, Bertie.

I put it in my
mental Bertie book.

Like that time you said
you'd catch the wedding lizard

and let me have all the meat.

I never said that.

In fact, if I catch it,
I will devour it.

Can we talk about Speckle?

His exes think the only way
to cheer him up is to dump him.

Of course. Speckle's
a silly bitch who loves drama.

What if they're right?

What if I think I'm helping him
but I'm just holding him back?

Huh. I'm in a similar
mess with Figgy.

Is it helpful for me
to support him

while all I can think about
is banging him

under that banquet table?

That's right,
I did a masterful job

of hiding it,
but I want to hang a tire swing

from his head and swing
into him crotch first, Bertie.

(sighs) What are we gonna do
with these dudes?

I have no answers.

Sorry to eavesdrop,
but when I'm feeling confused,

I buy a new hat.

Also, you should support
your partners

through the rocky times.

What are you even doing
at this wedding?

I'm Beth, Gordon's dentist
and doubles partner.

Then it makes a lot of sense
that you were invited.

Please continue.

Okay, for example,
my girlfriend Kara,

she had huge issues
when we started dating.

-No kidding.
-What?

No quitting...
telling this anecdote.

I won't. I just started.

Kara was really controlling
and unapologetic,

but then she had an aha moment.

She admitted she was
about to ghost me,

but she couldn't
go through with it.

-Oh?
-She said that,

although she can seem nonchalant
about other people's feelings,

on the inside
she's very chalant.

So, we went to therapy
and worked through her issues.

I bet she hated
being dragged to a shrink.

It was her idea.

Isn't that neat?

That's the thing about people.

You can't force them to change,
but sometimes they just do.

(ship horn blows)

-(cheering, applause)
-BETH: Ooh, that goose

finally caught the lizard.

Now we can move on to cake.

Good luck with your fellas.

(groans)

(dance music playing)

I'm glad you're back. Eesh.

I am feeling really twitchy.

I've never raw-dogged
a wedding before.

I mean, been sober at one.
(groans)

I'm always trying new slang
when I'm feeling uncomfortable.

Anyways, this cake is bitchin'.
(gasps)

Oh, I can't wait
until I can drink again.

Okay, but what if
you didn't drink again?

Just quit.
You can do it. I quat.

You have no idea what I see

when I look out
at this room, do you?

About $40,000 of wasted money?

No. Look.

We see things very differently.

What do you see? Show me.

Huh.

I think I get it now.

You feel the same way
about alcohol

as I do about juicy butts.

I do, unfortunately.

You shouldn't be
in a relationship

while you're dealing with this.

Ah, yes.

That's why I'm so glad
you were firm

about us being just friends.

I was firm, wasn't I?

Yup, and

as a certified harassment
prevention instructor,

I'm amazing
at keeping boundaries.

As soon as you said,
"Just friends,"

that set it in stone.

I'll never view you as anything
other than platonic.

I don't even see you.

Yup. That's great.

That's exactly what I want.

(crying)

(burps) Does anyone want
the rest of my cake?

I'm full.

Never mind, I changed my mind.

-I'm gonna eat it.
-I'll share that cake with you.

Wait, I thought you were
with my building.

I sent you
a wedding present, no?

A-And we loved the curtains,
but we've separated,

and not just because
it's built downtown.

There were structural problems.

It couldn't please me sexually.

(whispers):
Too much elevator,
not enough shaft.

Honey, mama's talking
to her friend. (grunts)

Now that you're
not with Bertie anymore,

maybe we can get back together.

No! Excuse me,

-step off.
-What?

-You broke up with him.
-Yes,

-but he has to be single
so he can be happy.
-What?

And I want to say,
"Back off, he's my man,"

but I'm only stopping
this dalliance for the sake

of restoring Speckle's
mental health.

I'm confused.

I'm not single, I'm with you.

But maybe if you weren't,

you wouldn't
be depressed anymore.

Maybe we need
to break up for real.

(crying)

PARTRIDGINA:
You didn't really break up?

-Wow.
-She lied.

You have some nerve.

You're no longer invited to any
of our country lake houses

or city pied-à-terres.

No!

I think I might know
what's going on.

I'm sorry.
I can't help how I feel.

Me neither.
The truth is,

-I don't want to be friends.
-No?

I'm observing very poor
boundaries by saying this,

and I should probably report
and fire myself, but...

I want you.

The thought of being with you
is the only thing

getting me through tonight.

I want you, too. (moans)

I want to strip your bark,
tap your sap,

pour it on pancakes,

and then eat those pancakes
with a side of bacon.

Oh, God.

(both moaning)

FIGGY:
Oh, my God.

I'm sorry, Speckle.

I let myself get distracted
by your ex-girlfriends

because I didn't know
how to help you.

(sighs) Join the club.

Not their club.
The club where I'm here,

feeling helpless.
Definitely the worse club.

I don't think so.

Bertie, I...

Hold on.

-(others groan)
-I'm cutting you off, Speckle.

Wait, no, this is the
real speech, I promise.

(sighs) Bertie,
it wasn't because

of my previous relationships
that I was depressed,

and it wasn't because of the
breakups that I got better.

I just get depressed sometimes,
and, Bertie,

with you as my foreman,

I will rebuild my self-esteem

and we will house

many more good memories.

I... Uh...

Sorry, I returned to the
construction site analogy.

I'm too depressed
to think of anything else.

(microphone feedback)

I loved it. Mwah.

I didn't. (scoffs) That wasn't
about my wedding at all.

It seems like you're
really good for Speckle,

and we love Speckle, so...

We're cool with you.

Aw, thanks. D-Does this mean
I get to stay in the club?

Nope, sorry, but I'll give you
the address of that sample sale.

You need it. (laughs)

Yes!

Hey.

Ow.

Oh, no, let's get you home.

I'm fine. The party
is just getting started.

-(groans)
-Tuca!

Hey, I'm a nurse.

-Kara?
-It's your cramps, right?

-I remember.
-Yeah.

This happens every month,
no big deal.

You need to go to a doctor.
Your signs are wild.

-(phone beeps)
-It's gotten worse, huh?

Mm-hmm.

-(siren chirps)
-Her blood pressure's 160.

Her heartbeat is inconsistent.

And my booty won't quit.
(groans)

Figgy,

we could be together,
and I can help you.

We can make this work, right?

(groaning)

Oh, no, Tuca.

(groans)

Can you give Speckle a ride?
He shouldn't drive.

Aw, yeah, bro trip
in the autobrobile.

(laughs) Oh, wow,
I'm laughing again.

(laughs)

Oh, sorry, my emotions
are inappropriate

for the situation at hand.

(crying)

Gordie, there you are.

Hey, babe, this diversion
is probably a good time

-for us to jet.
-Why do we need to jet?

I may have ripped off the
caterer to pay for the venue.

Don't be mad.

I couldn't afford to give you
the wedding you deserve.

Babe, I can't change you,
and I don't want to.

I want to con with you
by your side.

So, honesty hour,
I ripped off the venue

to pay for the caterer.

So, nobody got paid,

and we got a dope-ass wedding?

Um, hell yeah.

Oh, Gordie. (moaning)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ The chicken slide ♪

♪ Oh, we do the chicken slide ♪

♪ The chicken slide ♪

♪ Oh, we do the chicken slide. ♪

(dogs barking)