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1
00:00:04,713 --> 00:00:09,676
Josh: The stamford branch is closing, and
everybody's just packing up their stuff.
2
00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:12,679
Andy Bernard made
these tasteful hats.
3
00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:17,518
That's the other thing you
have to watch out... yo, tuna.
4
00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:19,978
I wanna talk to you about
this new boss, Michael Scott.
5
00:00:20,062 --> 00:00:22,856
Yeah? So what's he like?
6
00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:27,694
Likes, dislikes, favorite sports, favorite
movies, favorite men's magazines.
7
00:00:28,278 --> 00:00:30,280
You know what? I think
you just need to meet him.
8
00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:33,116
Playing your cards
close to the vest. I get it.
9
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:37,538
Good luck over there, tuna.
Cross me and I will destroy you.
10
00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:40,541
Sounds good, Andy.
11
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:45,837
This is gonna be an adventure.
Yes, this is going to be very interesting.
12
00:00:45,963 --> 00:00:48,215
All right, I'm out of here.
13
00:00:48,298 --> 00:00:50,384
See you later? Bro.
14
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:58,600
Hey, is that Josh's computer?
What?
15
00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:05,065
Pam: Hey! Hey!
16
00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:07,734
How'd the run go?
Pretty good. I finished.
17
00:01:07,818 --> 00:01:09,653
That's great. Yes.
18
00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,113
Why is that great?
19
00:01:11,196 --> 00:01:12,739
Because he accomplished
something.
20
00:01:12,823 --> 00:01:14,658
What was your mile time?
21
00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:16,326
About seven.
22
00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:19,705
I could beat that on a
skateboard. Well, that has wheels.
23
00:01:19,788 --> 00:01:22,249
Yeah, well, my feet don't,
and I can still crush that time.
24
00:01:22,332 --> 00:01:24,293
Really, Dwight?
How fast are you?
25
00:01:24,376 --> 00:01:25,669
Let's just put it this way.
26
00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:28,505
Last weekend,
I outran a black pepper snake.
27
00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:29,673
Really?
28
00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:31,008
I am fast.
29
00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:32,291
To give you a reference point,
30
00:01:32,342 --> 00:01:35,262
I'm somewhere between
a snake and a mongoose.
31
00:01:35,345 --> 00:01:37,014
And a panther.
32
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:39,182
Man, what is taking
Toby so long?
33
00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:41,101
Oh, I'll just time him later.
34
00:01:41,184 --> 00:01:43,854
And you'll compare the times?
Yeah.
35
00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:48,442
Are you ready? Set, go! No,
my groin's really tight, I can't...
36
00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:54,197
Am I being mean to Dwight?
37
00:01:55,657 --> 00:01:57,677
I don't know. I did just make
him run around the building,
38
00:01:57,701 --> 00:02:00,037
and I have no intention
of timing him.
39
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:03,665
This isn't even a stopwatch.
It's a digital thermometer.
40
00:02:05,208 --> 00:02:07,794
He does make my life harder
sometimes, and on purpose.
41
00:02:07,878 --> 00:02:10,047
Like, he tried to put meters
on the bathroom stalls
42
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:12,215
as a way of bringing in
more money for the company.
43
00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:15,594
Hey, three more laps to go!
44
00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:18,388
You gotta pick it up
if you're gonna beat Toby!
45
00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:23,268
I should probably
get back to work.
46
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:01,598
Here. Who's here? Nametag?
47
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:03,308
Yes, please. Karen filippelli.
48
00:03:03,392 --> 00:03:04,518
Karen...
49
00:03:04,601 --> 00:03:07,604
Karen a-filippelli!
Probably Italian.
50
00:03:08,063 --> 00:03:10,190
Okay... possibly Filipina.
51
00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:12,943
My branch is absorbing
the stamford branch.
52
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:17,406
Or as I like to put it,
my family is doubling in size.
53
00:03:17,489 --> 00:03:18,841
And that's all
I'm gonna say about it,
54
00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:22,411
because I have a gigantic
performance ahead of me,
55
00:03:22,494 --> 00:03:25,914
and I have to get into
my head and focus.
56
00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:29,960
Who's next? That's Andy Bernard.
57
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,586
Andy Bernard.
58
00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:33,463
If I were you... St. Bernard.
59
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:36,174
I would fire Anthony
gardner... what?
60
00:03:36,258 --> 00:03:37,509
Before noon... I'm not...
61
00:03:37,592 --> 00:03:40,113
To consolidate power. I'm not
firing somebody on the first day.
62
00:03:40,137 --> 00:03:42,097
No, no, not somebody. Gardner!
63
00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:44,266
The Japanese camp guards
of world war ii
64
00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:48,687
always chose one man to kill whenever
a batch of new prisoners arrived.
65
00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:52,691
I always wondered how they
chose the man who was to die.
66
00:03:54,276 --> 00:03:56,903
I think I would have been good
at choosing the person.
67
00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:01,491
Good morning!
Got the food, good!
68
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,994
Looky, looky, looky.
What I want you to do...
69
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:06,580
Set it up in the conference
room, please. Make it look nice,
70
00:04:06,663 --> 00:04:07,890
as if you were trying to impress
71
00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:09,392
a much older man
who's way out of your league.
72
00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:10,542
Okay.
73
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:17,883
Yes, I'm in a good mood today. I'm
excited to meet all of the new people
74
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,511
and to see my old
friend again, definitely.
75
00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:23,764
That's always a thing
that makes people happy,
76
00:04:23,847 --> 00:04:25,432
to have an old friend back.
77
00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:27,434
Hannah: Hello?
78
00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:29,895
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
Our first arrival.
79
00:04:29,978 --> 00:04:31,438
Welcome to Scranton.
80
00:04:31,521 --> 00:04:35,692
This is Hannah smoterich-barr!
Hannah smoterich-barr!
81
00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:39,988
Welcome to our humble abode.
Follow me to your desk.
82
00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:43,575
Your ball-and-chain
is right over here.
83
00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:47,746
You know, a lot of these people,
this is the only family they have.
84
00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:52,417
So, as far as I'm concerned,
this says, "world's best dad."
85
00:04:54,669 --> 00:04:56,505
There he is!
86
00:04:56,588 --> 00:04:58,465
Tony... what's your last name?
Gardner.
87
00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:00,383
Gardner! I knew that.
88
00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:04,721
There you go, gift bag
for you. Okay! Thanks.
89
00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:06,598
Michael,
I didn't get a gift bag.
90
00:05:06,681 --> 00:05:07,933
Well, they're just for guests.
91
00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:09,702
If there are any left over,
you can buy one later.
92
00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:11,061
My bag's mostly pencils.
93
00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:15,398
Well, and coupons to various
hot spots around Scranton. All right!
94
00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:17,984
Let me show you
to your area, sir.
95
00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:19,694
Michael: Come on, big guy.
96
00:05:19,778 --> 00:05:22,239
Can I have your pencils?
97
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,490
Hi!
98
00:05:23,573 --> 00:05:26,117
I'm Pam.
Karen. I love your sweater.
99
00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:28,411
Oh, thanks.
My mom made it for me.
100
00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:31,039
Really? That's so cool.
I've always wanted to learn
101
00:05:31,122 --> 00:05:34,000
how to knit.
Welcome, welcome, welcome!
102
00:05:34,543 --> 00:05:39,339
Take me to your leader.
Oh, wait, I am your leader.
103
00:05:41,591 --> 00:05:44,678
Wait, are you a robot
or a martian?
104
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:49,266
I am actually your boss,
Michael Scott.
105
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:50,392
Welcome.
106
00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:54,229
Wow, you are very exotic-looking.
Was your dad a gi, or...
107
00:06:04,948 --> 00:06:07,229
I 'ii be the number-two guy
here in Scranton in six weeks.
108
00:06:07,284 --> 00:06:10,453
How? Name repetition,
personality mirroring,
109
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:13,039
and never breaking off
a handshake.
110
00:06:13,331 --> 00:06:15,250
I'm always thinking
one step ahead,
111
00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:19,713
like a carpenter
that makes stairs.
112
00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:23,842
Andy: Hello.
113
00:06:25,093 --> 00:06:28,889
You must be Andy Bernard.
Aloha and welcome!
114
00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:33,727
And you must be Michael Scott.
Aloha and hello.
115
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:39,232
Very good.
Welcome to our little kingdom.
116
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:42,736
We have a bag
of nifty gifties for you.
117
00:06:42,861 --> 00:06:47,908
Well, Michael, thank you for
welcoming me to your little kingdom. Mike.
118
00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:51,912
Nifty! They are nifty!
119
00:06:51,995 --> 00:06:53,914
They're nifty gifties.
120
00:06:53,997 --> 00:06:56,499
You know who I really like
is this guy Andy Bernard.
121
00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:59,586
He has got this very
likeable way about him.
122
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:05,634
Which is why they need
a passing game. Right?
123
00:07:05,717 --> 00:07:09,429
No way! Get him out of here. We
don't want any of this kind in here.
124
00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:10,931
Good to see you, man! Wow, okay!
125
00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:13,433
How are you?
Martin Nash, I presume?
126
00:07:13,516 --> 00:07:16,144
This is a little gift bag
for you free of charge.
127
00:07:16,227 --> 00:07:18,605
Follow me, I will show you
where all the slaves work.
128
00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:22,067
Not... so your desk is...
129
00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:25,362
Hi, I'm Jim. I'm new here.
Oh, my god, it's really you!
130
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:29,074
I was just doing a little joke
there about how we'd never met.
131
00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:30,450
I know, I don't care.
132
00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:32,786
Awesome! Good to be back.
133
00:07:33,578 --> 00:07:34,788
The place looks really good.
134
00:07:34,871 --> 00:07:37,290
It's really good to see you.
You, too.
135
00:07:37,374 --> 00:07:39,542
Where do I stand with Pam?
136
00:07:41,169 --> 00:07:43,880
No idea. I mean, we're friends.
137
00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:48,927
Always have been friends.
That is where we stand.
138
00:07:49,511 --> 00:07:51,137
Dwight: Well, well, well.
139
00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:53,974
Look what the cat dragged in
from stamford.
140
00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:56,101
Hey, Dwight. Fact.
141
00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:59,980
I am older. I am wiser.
Do not mess with me.
142
00:08:00,063 --> 00:08:01,773
Okay, sounds good.
143
00:08:02,649 --> 00:08:04,877
What are you doing? I don't
know what you're talking about.
144
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:07,862
Do I have a smudge on my
forehead? No, you look good.
145
00:08:07,946 --> 00:08:10,949
Why are you looking
at my forehead? I'm not.
146
00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:13,493
Meet my eye line, Jim! I am.
147
00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:16,413
Stop acting like an idiot! Okay.
148
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:20,500
Hey, buddy. Welcome back. Hey.
149
00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:22,823
How are you, man? Good to
see you. I'm good. How are you?
150
00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:29,968
Oh, I'm sorry,
are you sitting here now?
151
00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:31,219
Yeah.
152
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:38,601
Unless you really,
really want it back.
153
00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:43,273
You know, man,
itsreahyyourcau cool, thank you.
154
00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:47,819
Let me get that for you.
155
00:08:49,112 --> 00:08:50,280
Got it?
156
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:57,037
This one taken? No? Good.
157
00:08:59,164 --> 00:09:03,084
Yeah, Jim is a nice guy.
That's why I got the desk.
158
00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:08,214
Michael Scott, thank you.
I appreciate it, Mike.
159
00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:09,966
Michael: All right.
160
00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:12,886
Hello. I don't believe
we've been introduced.
161
00:09:12,969 --> 00:09:15,221
Dwight schrute,
assistant regional manager.
162
00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:18,349
Andy Bernard, regional
director in charge of sales.
163
00:09:18,433 --> 00:09:19,702
So you'll be reporting
to me, then.
164
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:20,769
On the contrary.
165
00:09:20,852 --> 00:09:24,147
My title has "manager" in it.
And I'm a director.
166
00:09:24,647 --> 00:09:27,776
Which, on a film set,
is the highest title there is.
167
00:09:27,859 --> 00:09:29,402
Do you know anything about film?
168
00:09:29,486 --> 00:09:33,490
I know everything about film.
I've seen over 240 of them.
169
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,034
Congratulations.
170
00:09:42,874 --> 00:09:44,250
Hey, Toby.
171
00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:45,543
Hey, Jim. How are you, man?
172
00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:47,104
Oh, really good!
I just wanted to say hi.
173
00:09:47,128 --> 00:09:49,297
How are you? Hey, welcome back.
174
00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:51,674
Oh, is that, like,
your new thing, or...
175
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:53,760
No, I'm sorry, that's...
176
00:09:53,843 --> 00:09:57,055
No, that's cool. No,
it's nothing, we'll just...
177
00:10:00,141 --> 00:10:01,434
All right. Good to be back.
178
00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:02,811
Okay. All right.
179
00:10:02,894 --> 00:10:04,604
All right. Sorry about that.
No problem.
180
00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:06,689
It was... what?
181
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:08,024
Nothing.
182
00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:14,572
"I present
the orientation video."
183
00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:17,408
We need to talk. Not now.
184
00:10:17,492 --> 00:10:19,285
Which is higher,
assistant regional manager,
185
00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:21,079
or regional director
in charge of sales?
186
00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:24,040
I told you the titles are irrelevant.
They just relate to pay scale.
187
00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:25,750
Okay, so who gets paid more,
me or Andy?
188
00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:30,088
It is not a matter of more or less.
Your pay is just different, okay?
189
00:10:30,421 --> 00:10:32,799
All right! Showtime, part one.
190
00:10:32,882 --> 00:10:34,175
Okay, who reports to who?
191
00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:38,638
I don't care, Dwight! You all
report to me. That's all that matters!
192
00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:40,699
The rest of it just work out
amongst yourselves, okay?
193
00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:43,393
And then if I want... work it
out amongst yourselves, please!
194
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:46,187
I have a company to run. Will
you let me run the company?
195
00:10:46,271 --> 00:10:48,398
Will you? Please? ...One...
196
00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:55,071
Kelly: Jim! Kelly!
197
00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:58,158
Oh, mygod
ihavesornuchtotehyou! Really?
198
00:10:58,241 --> 00:11:01,744
Yes. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes,
they had a baby and they named it suri,
199
00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:03,496
and then Brad Pitt
and Angelina Jolie,
200
00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:05,832
they had a baby, too,
and they named it Shiloh.
201
00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:09,043
And both babies are amazing!
202
00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:11,713
Great. What's new with you?
203
00:11:11,796 --> 00:11:13,423
I just told you.
204
00:11:15,049 --> 00:11:18,136
Okay, everybody settled in?
Good.
205
00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:21,639
Why don't we all proceed
into the conference room,
206
00:11:21,723 --> 00:11:25,435
or should I say
the banquet hall?
207
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,687
For... drum roll, please.
208
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:33,610
The official
209
00:11:33,943 --> 00:11:37,280
merger day all-family
welcome breakfast. Come on in!
210
00:11:37,780 --> 00:11:39,282
Michael: Don't be shy.
211
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:43,536
Hey, champagne.
No, no, guests only.
212
00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:48,208
Smoked salmon!
No, for the guests it is,
213
00:11:48,291 --> 00:11:50,001
for you, consider it cow meat.
214
00:11:50,168 --> 00:11:52,045
Strictly taboo. Ieatbeef
215
00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:54,547
well, then,
consider it poisoned beef.
216
00:11:54,631 --> 00:11:55,673
It's no touchee.
217
00:11:55,757 --> 00:11:58,343
The beef is poisoned?
No, it's not beef! Just...
218
00:11:58,426 --> 00:12:01,471
Sit down, please.
Welcome, help yourself.
219
00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:04,224
You mightwant
these orientation materials.
220
00:12:04,307 --> 00:12:07,936
Wrong, Toby, this is an
orientation, not a bore-ientation.
221
00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:14,817
Okay, do not worry. All of your
questions are about to be answered.
222
00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:16,527
Cell phones and pagers off,
please.
223
00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:19,030
Oh, this looks promising.
You won't be disappointed.
224
00:12:19,113 --> 00:12:22,909
Michael: Let's face it, moving
to a new job can be very stressful,
225
00:12:22,992 --> 00:12:28,081
so I have made an orientation
video especially for you newcomers.
226
00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:34,170
But it's not like any orientation
video that any of you have ever seen.
227
00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:36,172
It's funny.
228
00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:39,467
It's got a little bit
of a zing to it.
229
00:12:39,717 --> 00:12:42,595
And I hope
that it gives you a flavor
230
00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:45,682
of what we're all about
here at dunder Mifflin,
231
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:48,643
and what we're all about
here in Scranton.
232
00:12:48,726 --> 00:12:51,896
So let's just all laugh
together. And watch...
233
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:56,609
Sittin' in my office
with a plate of grilled bacon
234
00:12:56,693 --> 00:12:59,112
call my man Dwight
just to see what was shakin'!
235
00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:01,531
Yo, Mike,
our town is dope and pretty
236
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:04,450
so check out how we live
in the electric city!
237
00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:05,952
They call it Scranton! What?
238
00:13:06,035 --> 00:13:08,538
The electric city! Scranton!
What?
239
00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:09,914
The electric city!
240
00:13:09,998 --> 00:13:12,542
Call poison control
if you're bit by a spider!
241
00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:15,753
But check that it's covered
by your healthcare provider!
242
00:13:15,837 --> 00:13:19,841
It reminds me of the orientation
video Michael showed on my first day,
243
00:13:19,924 --> 00:13:22,176
the Scranton witch project.
244
00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:24,137
I am so scared
245
00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:27,515
when people don't
label their personal food.
246
00:13:27,598 --> 00:13:30,018
You like coalmines
and you wanna see 'em?
247
00:13:30,101 --> 00:13:32,729
Well, check it out, yo
the anthracite museum
248
00:13:32,895 --> 00:13:35,106
plenty of space
in the parkin' lot!
249
00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:37,900
But the little cars go
in the compact spot!
250
00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:40,361
Spot! Spot! Spot!
251
00:13:40,445 --> 00:13:44,157
Well, so far,
I think it is killing.
252
00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:46,826
I thought it would either be
an a or an a-plus,
253
00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:50,413
but I completely forgot
that there is an a-plus-plus.
254
00:13:50,872 --> 00:13:51,998
Dwight: What?
255
00:13:54,584 --> 00:13:57,045
This is Karen filippelli,
please leave a message.
256
00:13:57,128 --> 00:13:59,547
Terrible. Totally unconvincing.
257
00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:05,219
This is Karen filippelli,
please leave a message.
258
00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:10,391
Notbad. But you are
Italian, so try it more Italian.
259
00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:16,773
This is Karen a-filippelli,
please leave-a me the message.
260
00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:20,735
You feel good? All right.
261
00:14:25,573 --> 00:14:27,241
Karen filippelli.
262
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:31,788
Hey, buddy.
263
00:14:32,163 --> 00:14:34,207
Anything new to report?
264
00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:36,959
Do you mean, to me from you?
265
00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:40,171
'Cause that's how it works.
266
00:14:42,465 --> 00:14:44,384
Sure thing, buddy.
267
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:52,225
Andy: Am I trying to get
under his skin? Yes.
268
00:14:52,308 --> 00:14:55,895
Because the angrier he gets, the
more marginalized he becomes.
269
00:14:55,978 --> 00:15:00,817
Meanwhile, Andy Bernard is
out there laying on the charm.
270
00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:04,320
Hey, Angela. Check this out.
271
00:15:05,822 --> 00:15:07,824
It's my new screensaver.
272
00:15:09,659 --> 00:15:10,910
Do you like it?
273
00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:13,496
I do like it, actually.
Thank you.
274
00:15:15,456 --> 00:15:18,918
You have such a pretty smile,
by the way.
275
00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:22,088
Thank you. You're welcome.
276
00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:26,175
Hey. Hey.
277
00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:27,885
What happened to grape soda?
278
00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:30,680
Oh, yeah, I'm trying
to move away from that.
279
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,683
Getting into more
of a bottled water phase.
280
00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:36,978
You've changed so much.
Well, I'm evolving, Pam.
281
00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:41,691
So when do I get to hear everything?
Are you still getting unpacked, or...
282
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:44,944
You wanna grab a coffee
or something after work?
283
00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:47,655
Tonight, actually? No, I'm
just still getting settled, so...
284
00:15:47,738 --> 00:15:49,782
Oh, yeah, no, you
know, whenever. Okay.
285
00:15:49,866 --> 00:15:51,701
Okay.
286
00:15:52,493 --> 00:15:56,539
Sorry to interrupt, I... nope,
you're not interrupting anything.
287
00:15:57,457 --> 00:15:59,375
Nope, I'm... don't. All right.
288
00:15:59,917 --> 00:16:01,544
Okay. All right.
289
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:05,840
I should probably
get back to work.
290
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:09,552
Crack the whip. All right.
Yeah, I know, me, too.
291
00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:17,560
The day's going fine. It's
been a little chaotic, but it's fine.
292
00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:22,440
It's great. A lot of
distractions, but it's good.
293
00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:30,990
Take a picture,
it'll last longer.
294
00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:33,951
I'm sorry, it's just...
It's a little distracting.
295
00:16:34,035 --> 00:16:35,912
Ditto that, my brother.
296
00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:55,556
Look what's on his computer!
297
00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:57,850
What is that,
a squid's eye, or...
298
00:16:57,934 --> 00:16:59,685
It's my left breast.
299
00:17:01,479 --> 00:17:04,524
How did you...
Right place at the right time.
300
00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:10,446
Oh, what's that smell?
What smell?
301
00:17:11,948 --> 00:17:15,201
There must be an air freshener
plugged in somewhere.
302
00:17:16,327 --> 00:17:17,620
It smells like a funeral home.
303
00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:19,789
Oh, |'|| help you find it.
304
00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:25,545
You know what, never mind.
What is it?
305
00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:29,215
I think I'm just allergic
to your perfume.
306
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:32,468
My perfume?
It's just my crazy nose.
307
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:35,888
I'm used to different smells.
308
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:40,351
Bob Vance bought this perfume
for me in metropolitan Orlando.
309
00:17:40,434 --> 00:17:42,520
It's made from real pine.
310
00:17:42,603 --> 00:17:44,230
Who's Bob Vance?
311
00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:47,692
You've a lot to learn
about this town, sweetie.
312
00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:52,154
I don't know who these
new people think they are.
313
00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:55,825
I've sat downwind of Phyllis'
stinky perfumes for years.
314
00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:57,785
Never said a word.
315
00:17:57,868 --> 00:18:01,205
People hate people that are
different from them. That's natural.
316
00:18:01,289 --> 00:18:03,708
But you know what makes people
forget their differences?
317
00:18:03,791 --> 00:18:04,959
A great show.
318
00:18:05,042 --> 00:18:08,296
That is why I created
the integration celebration.
319
00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:09,672
This is the moment
320
00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:12,675
when Scranton and stamford
come together as one,
321
00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:15,428
united in applause.
322
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,724
I know a lot of you
must be thinking,
323
00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:21,183
"wow, what a day.
324
00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:24,103
"It feels more like a night at
a party than a day at work."
325
00:18:24,186 --> 00:18:26,272
Well, in my opinion,
326
00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:30,651
business should feel
like a night out,
327
00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:33,738
a night at
328
00:18:37,074 --> 00:18:38,868
the roxbury.
329
00:18:39,577 --> 00:18:42,830
Okay, there's supposed
to be music, and it's...
330
00:18:42,913 --> 00:18:45,458
I got it, I got it,
Dwight! Just...
331
00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:47,877
Do you have batteries
in there? Stupid...
332
00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:55,468
What is love?
333
00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:57,345
That's it! Yes, yes!
Okay. Here we go.
334
00:18:57,428 --> 00:18:58,429
Baby don't hurt me
335
00:18:58,512 --> 00:19:01,307
don't hurt me no more
don't hurt me no more
336
00:19:01,390 --> 00:19:02,391
let it rock, baby!
337
00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:04,560
What is love? Baby don't hurt me
338
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:05,978
here we go, here we go!
339
00:19:06,062 --> 00:19:08,481
Don't hurt me no more
340
00:19:09,732 --> 00:19:11,817
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
341
00:19:14,445 --> 00:19:18,032
You and me! You and me!
Me and you! You and me!
342
00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:20,785
You and me! You! You! You!
You! You and me! You! You!
343
00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:23,329
Oh, my nose is so itchy.
Why is my nose so itchy?
344
00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:25,915
Probably because of
all the nose candy.
345
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:28,501
Okay.
346
00:19:28,876 --> 00:19:30,795
I told you these guys had
a sense of humor.
347
00:19:30,878 --> 00:19:32,254
Okay. Very funny, Michael!
348
00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:34,983
Really funny, Michael! All right,
all right, all right, I'm on a roll.
349
00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:37,134
Why are the new people
on the table?
350
00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:40,888
To show them
that we are not above them.
351
00:19:42,390 --> 00:19:43,933
Shouldn't we be equals?
352
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:46,102
Not today, no.
353
00:19:47,645 --> 00:19:52,316
Tony! Please join your cohorts
on the table, if you would.
354
00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:56,195
This is difficult for me.
355
00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:58,406
Hey, I understand,
we're all friends.
356
00:19:58,489 --> 00:20:01,742
No, I mean, I can't physically.
I can't get on the table.
357
00:20:01,826 --> 00:20:03,160
Oh, well...
358
00:20:04,370 --> 00:20:08,708
Just use the momentum of your
lower half to hoist yourself up.
359
00:20:11,293 --> 00:20:12,420
Okay?
360
00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:20,177
You know what? I'll help.
I will help. No, please.
361
00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:22,471
Don't be shy.
Dwight, let's do this.
362
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:23,835
Come on, we're doing this thing.
363
00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:25,474
Ready? On three. One...
Let's get up.
364
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:28,102
Bend at the knees. Okay.
Here we go! Here we go!
365
00:20:28,185 --> 00:20:31,021
I'm underthis.
I'm under this hock here.
366
00:20:31,439 --> 00:20:33,917
I don't know what I'm grabbing
here! All right, all right! Stop!
367
00:20:33,941 --> 00:20:36,235
Put me down! But it
feels good. Push it, push it!
368
00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:39,155
I'm right in your crack!
No, put me down right now!
369
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,049
Don't give up! You got it,
man! Put me down right now!
370
00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:43,343
I've had enough! Put me down
right now! You got it, you got it!
371
00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:46,245
Vvah, mmfll
ah, okay,
okay, okay.Easy. Hey, easy.
372
00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:47,955
I'm sorry! Don't...
373
00:20:48,038 --> 00:20:51,667
It's just not going
to work for me.
374
00:20:51,876 --> 00:20:53,586
I have to go.
375
00:20:53,794 --> 00:20:54,879
I don't understand.
376
00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:57,506
I was on the fence about this,
377
00:20:57,590 --> 00:20:59,800
and it's just not a good fit.
378
00:20:59,884 --> 00:21:02,845
Well, we'll squeeze you in!
I can't work here.
379
00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:04,472
I have to quit.
380
00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:12,480
You can't quit on the first
day! That's heresy, my friend!
381
00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:17,151
Okay, let's talk about this.
What happened? I mean, what...
382
00:21:18,194 --> 00:21:21,530
Was it Toby? Did he say
something? 'Cause he's...
383
00:21:22,573 --> 00:21:25,576
No, Toby was helpful.
He was very kind.
384
00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:29,455
It's just your management style.
385
00:21:31,373 --> 00:21:33,459
My management style? So...
386
00:21:35,419 --> 00:21:38,506
Didn't you think lazy
Scranton was funny? No.
387
00:21:39,089 --> 00:21:41,008
Was it supposed to be funny?
388
00:21:41,091 --> 00:21:42,468
Okay, well...
389
00:21:44,845 --> 00:21:46,889
Don't bother quitting,
because you're fired.
390
00:21:46,972 --> 00:21:49,391
Excuse me? You are fired!
391
00:21:49,475 --> 00:21:52,353
I'm sorry, but we don't
have quitters on this team!
392
00:21:52,436 --> 00:21:53,854
Just clean out your desk!
393
00:21:53,938 --> 00:21:55,898
But there's nothing
in my desk except coupons.
394
00:21:56,023 --> 00:21:59,860
Don't try to apologize to me,
man. It's too late! Just get out!
395
00:22:01,445 --> 00:22:03,697
Take your bad vibes with you!
396
00:22:03,781 --> 00:22:04,990
That was my advice.
397
00:22:05,074 --> 00:22:06,885
Remember, I'm the one who
suggested that you fire him!
398
00:22:06,909 --> 00:22:09,203
Probably the best advice
you ever gave me, Dwight.
399
00:22:09,286 --> 00:22:13,666
And what advice has Andy given
to you today that you have acted on?
400
00:22:14,291 --> 00:22:18,170
Would none be an accurate
estimate? None advice?
401
00:22:19,213 --> 00:22:20,589
Fire Andy.
402
00:22:21,465 --> 00:22:23,342
Fire Andy.
403
00:22:24,260 --> 00:22:26,720
Dwight may have won the battle,
404
00:22:27,346 --> 00:22:30,933
but I will win the next battle.
405
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:34,478
Tony was right. This
environment is dysfunctional.
406
00:22:34,562 --> 00:22:36,480
Well, maybe that's because
some people treat it
407
00:22:36,564 --> 00:22:38,315
like their own private
Hooters strip club.
408
00:22:38,399 --> 00:22:42,611
Whoa, Angela, hold on.
Hooters is a restaurant
409
00:22:42,736 --> 00:22:44,613
with over 400 locations
worldwide.
410
00:22:44,697 --> 00:22:47,825
Back to work. We don't have to get
along. We just have to work together.
411
00:22:47,908 --> 00:22:49,869
No, we do have to get along.
412
00:22:49,952 --> 00:22:52,454
Can't we all just get along?
413
00:22:53,330 --> 00:22:57,293
Or have we forgotten the words
of the reverend king?
414
00:22:58,043 --> 00:22:59,688
The word "merger" comes
from the word "marriage”
415
00:22:59,712 --> 00:23:02,047
and that was what today was
supposed to be.
416
00:23:02,131 --> 00:23:04,967
The loving union between people.
417
00:23:05,050 --> 00:23:10,139
Instead, it has become like
when my mom moved in with Jeff.
418
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:14,977
And once again,
it becomes my job to fix it.
419
00:23:15,644 --> 00:23:18,731
Hey, hey, everybody!
Something happened!
420
00:23:18,814 --> 00:23:20,900
Those guys
from Vance refrigeration,
421
00:23:20,983 --> 00:23:22,693
they let the air out
of our tires! What?
422
00:23:22,776 --> 00:23:26,488
Yeah, they punk'd us, they
punk'd us good! Come on! Come on!
423
00:23:29,491 --> 00:23:31,577
Does Bob Vance
work for Vance refrigeration?
424
00:23:31,660 --> 00:23:33,120
Does he ever.
425
00:23:39,668 --> 00:23:42,880
Man, they got us so bad. We
cannot let them get away with this!
426
00:23:43,047 --> 00:23:47,468
We have got to pull together as
one and steal their refrigerators!
427
00:23:47,551 --> 00:23:49,094
Yeah! Yeah?
428
00:23:49,178 --> 00:23:50,512
I don't think we can do that.
429
00:23:50,596 --> 00:23:51,931
Go home, Toby. Just...
430
00:23:52,014 --> 00:23:54,767
Hey. Why doesn't your car
have a flat tire?
431
00:23:54,850 --> 00:23:59,563
Why? I will tell you why. Because
they saved the worst for me!
432
00:23:59,688 --> 00:24:02,524
They put a hate note
under my windshield wiper.
433
00:24:02,608 --> 00:24:04,443
Check this out, it's so hateful.
434
00:24:04,526 --> 00:24:06,153
"You guys suck!
435
00:24:06,236 --> 00:24:08,948
"You can never pull together
as one and revenge us!
436
00:24:09,031 --> 00:24:10,658
"That is why you suck!"
437
00:24:10,741 --> 00:24:12,618
For crying out loud.
438
00:24:12,701 --> 00:24:15,621
No. No, no, no, no!
No, you are falling for it!
439
00:24:15,704 --> 00:24:18,791
You are playing right into their hands.
This is just what they want you to do!
440
00:24:18,874 --> 00:24:20,185
Don't, okay.
What is with this guy?
441
00:24:20,209 --> 00:24:22,211
Got an hour?
I'll try to explain.
442
00:24:26,006 --> 00:24:27,716
Michael: This is egregious!
443
00:24:29,843 --> 00:24:31,512
This is egregious!
444
00:24:32,721 --> 00:24:34,890
Trust me, it only gets worse.
445
00:24:35,182 --> 00:24:38,686
Is he always like this? Sometimes
he brings more costumes.
446
00:24:38,769 --> 00:24:40,270
When do people work?
447
00:24:40,354 --> 00:24:43,065
We find little times
during the day.
448
00:24:43,148 --> 00:24:44,817
How are we gonna get home?
449
00:24:44,900 --> 00:24:48,487
Bob Vance has an air pump.
He said he'd fill all ourtires up.
450
00:24:48,570 --> 00:24:50,948
Bob Vance
of Vance refrigeration.
451
00:24:52,366 --> 00:24:55,202
See that? Mission accomplished.
452
00:24:55,911 --> 00:24:57,431
They're like
a bunch of fourth graders.
453
00:24:57,496 --> 00:25:01,875
Sometimes what brings the kids
together is hating the lunch lady.
454
00:25:02,251 --> 00:25:04,294
Although, that'll change!
455
00:25:04,378 --> 00:25:07,923
Because by the end of the
fourth grade, thelunchlady
456
00:25:08,007 --> 00:25:11,176
was actually the person
I hung out with the most.
457
00:25:16,432 --> 00:25:18,642
Jell-o. Hi, jan. Jan: Michael!
458
00:25:18,726 --> 00:25:20,537
Did you fire Tony gardner
when he was trying to quit?
459
00:25:20,561 --> 00:25:25,399
I did. Major personnel crisis
averted. Compliment accepted.
460
00:25:25,482 --> 00:25:29,403
Do you realize, Michael, that we
now have to pay him severance?
461
00:25:29,778 --> 00:25:30,821
Yes.
462
00:25:31,530 --> 00:25:32,781
You do?
463
00:25:33,115 --> 00:25:36,201
But do you realize that that
was actually Dwight's idea?
464
00:25:36,285 --> 00:25:37,828
Bad advice from my number two.
465
00:25:37,911 --> 00:25:41,498
What? No, no, no,
Jim is your number two.
466
00:25:41,582 --> 00:25:42,750
What?
467
00:25:42,833 --> 00:25:44,833
He is the only one who
has worked with both groups.
468
00:25:44,877 --> 00:25:47,129
I sent you a memo about this.
469
00:25:48,255 --> 00:25:51,467
Yes, I know that,
for I do read the memos.
470
00:25:53,052 --> 00:25:56,722
So, after a great deal of
thought and introspectivtion,
471
00:25:56,805 --> 00:26:00,350
I have decided to make
Jim my new number two.
472
00:26:01,810 --> 00:26:04,813
If he even wants it. It
doesn't come with a pay raise.
473
00:26:04,897 --> 00:26:06,815
No, it does, actually.
474
00:26:07,775 --> 00:26:09,943
So who will be
your new number three?
475
00:26:10,027 --> 00:26:11,945
That I have not decided yet.
476
00:26:12,029 --> 00:26:14,448
Michael, I would just like
to say that you have handled
477
00:26:14,531 --> 00:26:17,868
this entire situation
with great aplomb.
478
00:26:17,951 --> 00:26:20,829
Thank you, Andy,
that's very kind, thanks.
479
00:26:20,913 --> 00:26:23,248
And I have to say that your
leadership has brought...
480
00:26:23,332 --> 00:26:25,793
Shut it. Shut it. That's...
481
00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:29,254
Suck-up.
482
00:26:34,718 --> 00:26:37,096
Hey, where you at, filippelli?
483
00:26:37,179 --> 00:26:41,517
Karen: I'm at the grocery store buying
a corkscrew to give myself a lobotomy.
484
00:26:42,643 --> 00:26:44,483
What's wrong, you didn't
have a good first day?
485
00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:45,896
Oh, my god!
486
00:26:46,146 --> 00:26:49,316
Hey, you wanna meet at
Cooper's in an hour? I need a drink.
487
00:26:49,399 --> 00:26:51,944
Yeah, sure. Sounds good. I...
488
00:26:53,195 --> 00:26:55,048
Hey, you know what? Can
I give you a call right back?
489
00:26:55,072 --> 00:26:57,116
Yeah. Bye. Okay, thanks.
490
00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:00,494
Hey. Hey!
491
00:27:00,577 --> 00:27:02,663
I thought you had already left.
492
00:27:02,830 --> 00:27:06,917
No, I just had some
other stuff I had to do.
493
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:09,044
Good. What's up?
494
00:27:09,128 --> 00:27:10,420
Oh, nothing, ijustfeel bad.
495
00:27:10,504 --> 00:27:12,824
I feel like things were a little
weird today, or something.
496
00:27:12,881 --> 00:27:14,508
What do you mean?
497
00:27:15,134 --> 00:27:19,721
I just think I should tell you that
I've sort of started seeing someone.
498
00:27:20,013 --> 00:27:21,223
And...
499
00:27:21,306 --> 00:27:24,560
That's totally cool.
You can do whatever you want.
500
00:27:26,103 --> 00:27:28,647
Okay, good.
501
00:27:28,730 --> 00:27:31,400
We're friends.
We'll always be friends.
502
00:27:32,568 --> 00:27:33,777
Right.
503
00:27:35,404 --> 00:27:36,697
It's good to have you back.
504
00:27:36,780 --> 00:27:39,283
Yeah, good to be back.
505
00:27:52,421 --> 00:27:54,089
Saw your dork-mobile
in the parking lot.
506
00:27:54,173 --> 00:27:55,608
What does it get, like,
four miles to the gallon?
507
00:27:55,632 --> 00:27:57,217
Try double that.
508
00:27:57,301 --> 00:28:00,179
Classic trans am, vintage
American muscle. Please.
509
00:28:00,262 --> 00:28:03,932
Yeah, my xterra is pretty
sweet. Luxurious yet rugged.
510
00:28:04,016 --> 00:28:05,017
Leave it to the Japanese.
511
00:28:05,100 --> 00:28:06,768
Xterra's not even a real word.
512
00:28:06,852 --> 00:28:09,521
Actually, it is,
it's Latin for "earth."
513
00:28:09,605 --> 00:28:12,608
Oh, so you drive an x-earth?
Yeah, that makes sense.
514
00:28:12,774 --> 00:28:16,403
I'd rather drive a classic
trans am than an x-earth.
515
00:28:17,321 --> 00:28:18,697
Yeah, I bet you would.
516
00:28:18,780 --> 00:28:21,825
Oh, by the way, 1985 called.
It wants its car back.
517
00:28:22,117 --> 00:28:25,120
Well, I hope 1985 has a time
machine, 'cause I drive an '87.
518
00:28:25,204 --> 00:28:26,455
Speaking of time machines?
519
00:28:26,538 --> 00:28:29,499
I just got back from the future, and
iwent to your funeral, and guess what?
520
00:28:29,583 --> 00:28:30,959
Nobody came.
521
00:28:31,043 --> 00:28:35,547
Speaking of funerals, why
don't you go ahead and go die?
522
00:28:35,756 --> 00:28:39,968
That was a really
well-constructed sentence.
523
00:28:40,135 --> 00:28:44,514
You should be an English
professor at cor-not university.
524
00:28:44,890 --> 00:28:46,266
Idiot!
525
00:28:46,350 --> 00:28:48,810
If I were an idiot,
I'd be driving a trans am.
526
00:28:49,019 --> 00:28:50,437
If you were driving a trans am,
527
00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:53,607
you'd be the smartest idiot
in the whole world.
528
00:28:53,690 --> 00:28:55,859
Idiot!
529
00:28:57,069 --> 00:28:58,695
You're the idiot.
530
00:28:59,154 --> 00:29:00,572
Nice comeback.
531
00:29:00,822 --> 00:29:04,952
I was making fun of
your comeback. That's why it worked.
532
00:29:08,163 --> 00:29:11,041
I totally got the best
of that interchange.
39470
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