All language subtitles for Tuca.and.Bertie.S03E06.720p.HMAX.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_GalaxyTV - small excellence! [English] (SUBRIP)

(electricity buzzing)

♪ ♪

(slurping sounds)

(whimpers)

Oh...

(gasps)

Are you wearing my outfit?

Yes, we're twinsies.
Can we hang out all night?

Let's make up our own language
that only we know.

-What's wrong?
-Are you mad at us?

Ugh. You're just so needy.

(screams)

♪ Tuca and Bertie and Tuca and
Bertie and Bertie and Tuca ♪

♪ And Tuca and Bertie,
Tuca and Bertie ♪

♪ Tu-Tu-Tuca ♪

-♪ Tuca ♪
-♪ And Bertie. ♪

(vocalizing)

And the screech leeches
start to dress like you

and then they suck
you dry and...

They take over your life.
Oh, my God, I know.

So good, so scary.
(exhales)

But a lot of people
can't handle horror movies.

Maybe you should skip this one?

It's not just that it scares me.

I was friends with the director
back in high school,

and things didn't end well,
and, well, now I'm worried

this movie is about me.

Wait a minute, you were friends
with Muriel Nocturna?

She's a friggin' genius.

I have two copies of Cannibal
Sex Monkeys on Blu-ray.

Uh, Dr. Joanne?

Sorry, sorry, okay, putting
the therapy hat back on.

Tell me what happened.

I used to be
just like those leeches.

Clingy and needy,

just a hardcore emotional
barnacle on Muriel's ass.

I can't even think about it
without cringing.

Look: not thinking about it,

now I'm thinking about it.

Ow.

Bertie, I'm giving you homework.

Reflect on this high school
experience with kindness.

Aww, homework? Do I have to?

Attagirl, get into
that teenage mindset.

Now that's out of the way,

could you sign
this poster for me?

(device beeping)

Where did you get
an X-ray machine?

Bertie, it was the wildest
heist you can imagine.

It had disguises,
dodged bullets, helicopters,

a laser maze
that I sexily evaded

after I sexily seduced
a sexy security guard.

-Hey, y'all. I'm taking it.
-I don't care.

Now I can finally figure out
what's wrong with me,

without all those pesky medical
experts getting in the way.

(beeps, whirring)

This stupid piece of junk.

-Huh?
-What's happening?

Oh, my God, I'm watching myself
bond with my brother.

This is my favorite memory.

And I'm guessing
it's my brother's as well.

Huh. My therapy homework
this week

is to reflect
on some old memories.

I wonder if we could use-- Ow!

I'm three bonks ahead of you.

Ow, ah. What the heck?

Hold still for the medical
experiment, Bertie.

Whoa. My parents
are driving me to school.

I'm 15.

Man, I'd forgotten how tense and
awkward it felt in this space.

And in this body.

Yeah, the vibe in here
is extremely off.

Okay, Bertie, remember,
you're seeing

the school counselor
before class today.

-What?
-To talk about, you know,

all of that unpleasantness.

Have a good day, sweetie.
Good luck on your geometry quiz.

I'm just such an idiot,
letting that happen to me

at the Jelly Lakes,
a-and now I'm being a huge baby

about something that happened
two summers ago.

Whoa. Heavy.

(chuckles)
Yikes. Uh...

Oh, my God, I'm trying
so hard to be kind to myself

but it's like I-I keep getting
lost in these old emotions.

It's not your fault, Bertie.

It's your teen brain
being all teeny.

Plus, look at this counselor.
She's younger than I am.

How was she allowed
to counsel wayward youths?

Um, I'm mostly here
to talk about your future.

Yeah, that's why I had you
fill out this career test, okay.

-Let's see.
-(computer chimes)

Ooh, you got
the best one: astronaut.

Damn it.
I want to be an astronaut.

Just do what I did:

lie about your age
and go to space camp, girl.

(school bell rings)

That counselor sucked balls.

Ooh, look, look, look.
H-He's our class president.

A-And she's one of the most
popular girls in my grade.

Bertie, I hate
to break it to you,

but everyone here is a dork.

You went to a school for dorks.

(gasps) I can't wait
to see my old friends.

Did I even tell them
what happened to me?

Geez, I'm trying to remember.

Ew, he did what to you?

Why would you even tell us
about that, you perv?

(chuckles) Yeah, I guess
it was pretty random.

Oh, right. I did tell them.

You told me you'd never messed
around with a boy before.

Well, it wasn't on purpose.

You've been lying to me.

You promised we'd do all this
stuff on the same schedule.

I didn't put
"hardcore make-out session"

on my calendar
until senior year.

Bertie, I hate
to break it to you,

but everyone here is a bitch.

You went to a school
for bitches.

Right? I mean, can you believe
this is how they reacted

to the literal worst thing
that ever happened to me?

What ever happened to them?

Did they go pro or did
they stay amateur bitches?

I actually apologized
incident a few years later,

but it was in a way
that made it clear

I didn't understand
what I'd done wrong.

I'm in a wonderful marriage
with two beautiful children.

I'm still mad
that Bertie technically

got to third base before I did.

I don't remember
this incident at all,

but I actually did
go pro as a bitch.

I make half a million a year
bitching for the majors.

Can we stop talking
about Bertie's gross summer?

Instead, let's talk
about my awesome summer.

I went up one and a half
cup sizes.

-(giggling)
-Oh, my God.
-Wow.

So big.

I have to go, um,
update my blog.

(whimpers)

(Bertie crying)

It's okay, baby Bertie.

This happened a long time ago.

BERTIE:
Yeah, but it also happened

two minutes ago,
and it feels so bad.

♪ You put a spell on me... ♪

Bertie, this girl looks like

a bootleg Supreme Court Justice.

Oh, my God, she's here.

Don't be a leech.
Don't be a leech.

Hey, are you okay?

I heard you crying
all the way in the art wing.

You're actually the first person
I've found crying

-who wasn't a teacher.
-Hi. (chuckles)

I'm just, uh,
going through some stuff,

but, like, not in a needy way.

Talk to me about it.
I'm a great listener.

Uh... Okay, sure.

Is it boyfriend stuff?
Guys are the pits.

I'd be happy
to curse a dude for you.

Not exactly.

Um...

This thing happened to me,
and, uh...

♪ ♪

Hey, you've got thick calves.

Are you interested in trying out
for the basketball team?

You can see me?

Of course.
You're the tallest kid here.

Think fast.

(laughs)

That's some rocket
you got on you.

You know how to set a screen?

Nope, but I'm good
at everything I try.

MURIEL:
I know how you feel.

I got goosed by our handsy
gardener a few years ago.

Then my parents pretended
like it never happened.

Oh, my God,
my parents did the same thing.

They didn't want
to talk about it,

so they handed me off
to the guidance counselor.

Miss Hamhock?
She told me I'm gonna grow up

and run a ketchup factory.

Then she started crying because

she wants to run
a ketchup factory.

She's hella gnarly.

Hey, would you ever
want to chill sometime?

Yeah. I hella would.

Here's my number. Don't call
my house before 9:00 p.m.,

or my parents
will freak out. Nocturnal.

♪ You're the friend ♪

♪ I need... ♪

(both laugh)

♪ Indeed, you're a friend... ♪

Oh, my God,
you have a crush on Paul.

Shh, shh. He could hear you.

Okay, fine,
let's come up with a nickname,

so we can talk about him
in front of people.

Let's call him... "Apple,"

because he likes apple juice.

Ooh, I like it.

"Ap-paul."

Paul, for short.

That totally defeats
the purpose.

It's perfect.

That's the guy
you're slobbering for?

-He's a child.
-I know, I know.

He's a baby.

I feel like I saw him
differently back then.

Oh... those cheekbones.

(sighs) Let's bounce and
go to Cool Subject.

-I need a new skirt.
-Okay.

I'm in here, like, once a week.
They have the best stuff.

It all looks so dangerous,

but in a safe way, for teens.

Speaking of danger...

-W-What are you...
-You'd look so cute in this.

Here, put it on,

then walk out the door
like everything's cool.

(panting)

Whoo!

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

-(sighs)
-Oh, what a rush.

(both laugh)

We could be twins.

Oh...

(slurping)

(burps)

(Muriel and Bertie laughing)

And that's how
the birds from Europe

discovered America before the
birds that were already here.

-Any questions?
-Ooh!

Why am I here?
I'm not part of this memory.

Go to the principal's office!

(groans)

(Muriel and Bertie laughing)

Hey, I made this for you.

Really? For me?

Oh, it's no big deal,
just a couple bands I'm into.

I prefer cassettes to CDs
because they're retro,

and they sound worse. It's cool.

Thanks. I-I'm gonna
listen to it right away.

♪ You're something new ♪

♪ Cool ♪

♪ Something that I never ♪

♪ Dreamed I could know ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ I've never been so high ♪

♪ You make me feel alive ♪

♪ All from those serpent eyes ♪

♪ Let's go no days without you ♪

♪ You're something... ♪

(British accent): Pip, pip,
I baked you a bitch cake.

(laughs)

Y-You'd better not bitch me out.

(laughs)

(British accent):
Hey, fetus mouse,

I made you a hater pie.

(laughs)

You look like a bomb-ass babe.

I'm so glad you stole these.

(chuckles) Thanks.

-(door opens)
-Hey, girls. Wow.

Bertie, where did you get
all those clothes?

Mom! Please knock before
you enter my personal space.

I made you some snacks.

Beefy Teens Canned Pasta.

-Ugh. (chuckles)
-ANNA: Bertie's
absolute favorite.

Mom, Muriel is a vegetarian,

and... so am I.

Since when?
We had burgers just last night.

I was scowling the whole time.

Like, you don't think
that meant something?

(British accent):
What are you, mental?

(laughs)

Okay, I'll leave you alone.

It was nice to meet
your new friend yesterday.

I can't help but, uh,

notice that you're
starting to resemble

-this new girl a little bit?
-Yeah, so?

I like this stuff.
I look hella cool.

I just want to make sure you're
not losing your sense of self.

I know sometimes you can
get into trouble

throwing yourself
into the deep end.

Oh, so now you care about me
and what I'm going through?

Of course I care,
don't be silly.

Now, about this new look,

are you a Satanist? I saw this

-story on the news about
a group of Satanists...
-(grunting)

...who donated

to a charity, and I thought,

"Is my daughter a Satanist?"

Mom, what are you
even talking about?

Why don't you just send me back
to the school counselor

like you do whenever there's
a problem, apparently?

Good luck on your
geometry quiz, honey.

-(laughter)
-That is so Melissa to say that.

Janelle, don't you take that
from Melissa.

Belinda, get over here and help
Janelle beat Melissa's ass.

Oh, hey, Bertie,
how's your memories going?

Uh, my mom is so awkward.

She doesn't understand
true friendship.

She called me a copycat.

Don't you mean a copy-bat?
(laughs)

♪ You put a spell on me... ♪

Whoa, she drinks coffee?
That's so cool.

I-I'm gonna start
drinking coffee.

Bertie, stop tripping.

If she drank coffee
off a bridge,

would you drink coffee
after her?

-Think about it.
-Muriel!

Over here.

Wow, some people really
lose themselves in fantasies.

Welp, back to basketball.

So... did you
call Paul last night

-like I dared you to?
-(laughs)

Yeah, but, uh, you know,
I was so nervous

I just cussed into the phone
and hung up.

I said, "Ass."

So, once you do finally
hook up with him,

what're you guys gonna do?
Are you gonna tongue kiss?

-Touch butts?
-I don't know.

I-I'm kind of scared
of that stuff.

Are you scared right now?

No...

Mm?

-(heart beating)
-Mm. Mm.

-Mm.
-Mm.

I'm gonna be late
for chemistry again.

See you later.

Well, what do you
want to do after school?

You want to go to the diner
and get crinkle fries?

-(school bell rings)
-Or we could just
go to my house

and make out in my room
all afternoon?

(laughs) Just kidding.

Oh, actually, I was gonna
go to the mall with Jessica.

Maybe I'll see you later?

(stammers) Well,
not-not if I see you first.

I mean, you will
also see me later,

if I see you first. I-I'm not
going to, like, murder you.

(laughs) But, seriously,

I'm-I'm not gonna murder you.

Okay.

But...

the mall was our place.

So then, I asked Kevin
if he thought Lydia was pretty,

and you'll never believe
what he said. It was so sick.

He said, "Yes,"

and I was like, "Um,

pervert much?"

Mm.

Dude! Are you trying
to give me a heart attack?

No, I just missed you.
Anyways, last night,

after you didn't answer
any of my 17 calls,

and the machine ran out of tape,

I channeled all of that energy
into this mix

I made for you.

You put "Nearer"
by Ten Inch Talons on here?

You didn't even like
Warehouse Murder Party Music

until I told you about them.

Well, I love it now.
Wait, are you mad at me?

No.

(slurping noise)

(groans)

Hey, watch this.

(laughter)

What are you doing?
Today's chicken nugget day,

and I know how much you love
your processed meat wads.

Nuh-uh, I love tofu.

Bertie, stop lying.

You told me tofu
makes you want to cry.

I love tofu so much.

I could eat it at every meal.

Yum.

(bell rings)

The main causes
of the Bird Civil War

were the economy
and bird states' rights.

Can anyone tell me
when the war started?

-(groans) Snoozapalooza.
-HISTORY TEACHER: Anyone?

No?
-(laughs)

HISTORY TEACHER:
Okay.

Can anyone tell me when
the Battle of the Giant Cats

happened?

Come on, guys,
it was only 40 years ago,

and some of us
still hold grudges.

Now, next week, I want

everybody to be prepared,

we're gonna be talking
about the Emu Wars.

(slurping noise)

(crying)

-(screams)
-Smile for the yearbook.

What? I'm not feeling
photogenic right now.

Could you please stop?

No way. Nobody's invented

the concept of asking
for permission yet.

(cheering)

Okay, Coach, I'm gonna do

some lay-'em-ups
and some dribble-'em-downs.

And then I'm gonna pick
the old pumpkin from the patch,

and then I'm gonna put
the basketball in the basket.

-Sound good?
-You're a pro.

And one more thing. You know
I'm not in high school, right?

-I'm in my 30s.
-Listen to me,
you piece of shit.

I only care about one thing:
winning.

So go out there and score me
as many points as you can

-before you hit menopause, okay?
-Yes, Coach.

Hey, Muriel.

Yeah, I'm here ironically, too.
(chuckles)

(English accent):
Pip-pip. Fetus mouse

is ready to watch
some b-ball, huh?

(laughs, groans)

♪ Left, right,
love the feeling ♪

♪ There's no one else I love ♪

♪ Left, right,
love the feeling ♪

♪ There's no one else I love ♪

-♪ Left. ♪
-(audience gasps, exclaims)

Huh?

Where did all these yearbooks
come from?

Well, that's how memory works.

It composites things
in a strange way,

and it's often inaccurate.

For example, there was never
a goat here at all.

I'm just a model
you saw in a catalog once.

-You won gothiest?
-I did?

I didn't mean to. I didn't know!

How could you do this?

Muriel,
I-I swear it was a mistake.

What the hell
are you even doing, stalker?

Your favorite color is pink.

That's not true. I-I'm goth.

You like rom-coms and boy bands.

(voice breaking):
Why are you being like this?

You're my best friend.

Bertie, look,
I let you hang around

because I felt bad for you.

You're not my best friend.

-That's Jessica.
-(Jessica buzzes)

We weren't talking for a month,

but now
we're best friends again.

But... you kissed me.

Yeah. I was just messing around.

We're not really friends

at all.

-(Bertie crying)
-Time out.

-(whistle blows)
-Tuca.

There's one second on the clock,
and we need one point to win.

Do it for Melissa and Janelle.

Do if for Belinda
and the promise you made

before she succumbed
to her curling iron burns.

You can do it!
Take it to the hole!

I know I can, but I won't.

I got to go help my best friend.

(audience groans)

(grunts)

(grunting)

(crying):
I'm too much of a loser to live.

Bertie, don't let a little girl

whose brain
isn't even fully developed yet

make you cry.

Nobody in the entire world

has ever felt
this heartbroken before.

I am the queen of pain.

Aw, man.

You are just tits-deep
in teendom.

How about we just get you
some ice cream?

-(Bertie grunting)
-Would that
make you feel better?

No. I'm not a baby.

I don't want ice cream.

Do you want me to break out
and gain a thousand pounds?

-That's it! We're
turning this memory around.
-(screams)

I said I don't want to!

Oh. Actually,
I would love some ice cream.

Let me just take a lactose pill.

Welcome back
to your creaky adult body

that can't digest anything.

Ooh! Oh, man.
I'm sorry I was such a mess.

It's crazy that I never got any
resolution with Muriel at all.

You still can.
There's a screening

of the Screech Leeches,

and the director's
gonna be there.

Want to put on some eyeliner
and black dresses

and go
scare the shit out of her?

I got two tickets.

When did you get the tickets?

I got them before.
The movie looked good as hell.

Not everything is about you,
Bertie.

-(suspenseful music playing)
-(groaning)

(panting)

(grunts)
We did it.

We escaped the leeches.

We're finally safe.

WOMAN:
I was about to say
the same thing.

No. No!

-(laughing)
-(snarling)

Whoo-hoo! Bravo!

Oh, got to pee.
Excuse me, sir. Got to pee.

-Ooh.
-Mm, I liked it.

Almost as good
as her last movie, Smug Bugs.

(chuckles):
Uh, thank you all

for coming to see
the Screech Leeches.

We have
a very special guest tonight.

(chuckles): Here's the director,
Muriel Nocturna.

(applause)

Thanks, everyone.

I'll do a quick Q and A now

if any of you want to... Oh.

Yes! Uh, hi, Muriel.
It's me, Bertie.

I actually have
more of a comment

-than a question.
-(audience groans)

I just wanted to say
I-I-I'm sorry

I was such a leech
when we were in high school.

I-I suffocated you
with my uncoolness.

An uncoolness I've outgrown,

and I'm actually
pretty cool now.

And I'm sorry I won gothiest,

which obviously caused
such a lasting damage

that you had no choice
but to work out your feelings

in this movie, that, frankly,

was really disturbing,

and I worry
about the mental state

of anyone who would enjoy
something so scary.

Never mind.
I just wanted to apologize,

and it's okay if you want to...

(English accent):
...bitch me out,

titty guv'nor.
(laughs)

Uh... Oh.

Uh, the movie
isn't about you at all,

so...

-What?
-It's about my kid.

He's so needy,
and he's always copying me.

Aah! Stop jocking me, creep.

Get your own nose.

Ugh. Anyways, who's next?

Hi. Can you make my movie?

I'm a man.

Oof. That was rough.

I'm still a freak, I guess.

Bertie, you weren't a freak.

You were a high school girl
with too many

complicated, sloppy, wet,
high school feelings

to know what to do with.

Be kind to that creepy
little baby Bertie.

She creeped her way
into my heart.

Aw. I'm your heartworm.

Now, when are you gonna start
dressing like me, huh?

(chuckles) I've been begging you
to wear short shorts for years.

(laughs)
Oh, Tuca.

I want to make you over
to be a little, mini Tuca.

You'd be so cute. You're
gonna need beak extensions

and ass-shaking lessons,
though. Ooh!

And some vocal coaching

so you can...
(caws)

-Try it.
-(Bertie caws)

TUCA:
Yep, we've got
a lot of work to do.

♪ Your movie ♪

♪ Was not about me ♪

♪ Your movie ♪

♪ Was about someone else. ♪

PAUL:
Uh, no. Bad idea.

(slurps)

(dogs barking)