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1
00:00:01,095 --> 00:00:03,563
- Are you ready to laugh?
AUDIENCE: - Yeah!
2
00:00:03,598 --> 00:00:05,398
Great! Well,
before we get started,
3
00:00:05,433 --> 00:00:08,335
at least you should know
what you're laughing at.
4
00:00:08,369 --> 00:00:10,704
Here's what happened last week.
5
00:00:10,738 --> 00:00:12,205
Barney wantedto impress his friends
6
00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:15,375
Jimmy and Sabrinawith a trip to Los Angeles.
7
00:00:15,409 --> 00:00:17,110
Do you think you could talk to Trevor
about getting Hope an autograph?
8
00:00:17,145 --> 00:00:18,712
I can do better than that.
(snaps fingers)
9
00:00:18,746 --> 00:00:21,748
How about I call Trevor and get
you tickets to see the show?
10
00:00:21,782 --> 00:00:23,850
So the Chancesloaded up their truck
11
00:00:23,885 --> 00:00:26,219
and took a hilarious tripto Hollywood.
12
00:00:26,254 --> 00:00:30,257
But when they got here,something unexpected happened.
13
00:00:30,291 --> 00:00:32,392
Not again. Come on,
kid, that's your cue.
14
00:00:32,426 --> 00:00:33,693
Give 'em the raspberry.
Drew Barrymore
15
00:00:33,728 --> 00:00:35,295
could've done this drunk
at your age.
16
00:00:35,329 --> 00:00:37,731
And that's whena star was born.
17
00:00:37,765 --> 00:00:39,032
(blows raspberries)
18
00:00:39,066 --> 00:00:40,567
Who just did that?
19
00:00:42,136 --> 00:00:43,270
(blows raspberry)
20
00:00:43,304 --> 00:00:46,106
I can't believe it.
Hope's gonna be a star.
21
00:00:46,140 --> 00:00:49,042
So now that you're
all caught up, here we go!
22
00:00:49,076 --> 00:00:51,545
AUDIENCE:
Oh, oh, oh!
23
00:00:51,579 --> 00:00:54,514
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
24
00:00:54,549 --> 00:00:57,150
♪ Here we go, oh, oh, oh ♪
25
00:00:57,185 --> 00:00:59,252
♪ Oh, oh, oh... ♪
26
00:01:06,294 --> 00:01:08,895
Hey! Congratulations!
27
00:01:08,930 --> 00:01:11,698
Hope's gonna be
a star! Yay!
28
00:01:11,732 --> 00:01:13,700
All right, so, today
she's got hair, wardrobe,
29
00:01:13,734 --> 00:01:15,435
an appointment
with a personal trainer,
30
00:01:15,469 --> 00:01:17,938
and... the insurance company
wants her to tinkle
31
00:01:17,972 --> 00:01:19,573
in this for a drug test.
32
00:01:19,607 --> 00:01:22,442
Urine, snot-- whatever we can
squeeze out of her is all yours.
33
00:01:22,476 --> 00:01:25,612
(audience laughter)
34
00:01:25,646 --> 00:01:27,581
Why is the audience still here?
Oh, yeah,
35
00:01:27,615 --> 00:01:29,816
we like to keep 'em here
until they get agitated.
36
00:01:29,850 --> 00:01:32,452
Then we unleash them on the
Jerry Springer stage. It's fun.
37
00:01:32,486 --> 00:01:33,620
Anyway, we like to ask
38
00:01:33,654 --> 00:01:35,021
a member of the family
to be an extra,
39
00:01:35,056 --> 00:01:36,523
to help the kid actors
through the scenes.
40
00:01:36,557 --> 00:01:38,258
Any of you want
to be on the show?
41
00:01:38,292 --> 00:01:39,359
Yep.
42
00:01:39,393 --> 00:01:40,827
Usually we ask the mother.
43
00:01:40,861 --> 00:01:42,829
Oh, her real mother's dead.
44
00:01:42,863 --> 00:01:44,431
AUDIENCE:
Aw...
45
00:01:44,465 --> 00:01:46,466
Oh, don't worry,
she was a serial killer.
46
00:01:46,500 --> 00:01:48,535
(loud cheering)
47
00:01:48,569 --> 00:01:51,271
All right, then
I guess Dad it is.
48
00:01:51,305 --> 00:01:54,007
Just head over to wardrobe
later and get your costume.
49
00:01:54,041 --> 00:01:56,509
Yay! And don't forget
to pee in the cup, okay?
50
00:01:56,544 --> 00:01:59,379
Any one of you can do it,
as long as you're clean.
51
00:02:02,216 --> 00:02:03,483
(audience cheering loudly)
52
00:02:05,886 --> 00:02:07,420
Hey, glad you guys could come.
53
00:02:07,455 --> 00:02:08,788
Uh, these are my writers.
54
00:02:08,823 --> 00:02:10,557
They come up
with my insults now.
55
00:02:10,591 --> 00:02:12,025
Not like back in the old days
56
00:02:12,059 --> 00:02:14,461
when Jimmy stood between me
and this Natesville "ten."
57
00:02:15,663 --> 00:02:16,663
Hollywood "four."
58
00:02:16,697 --> 00:02:17,864
But don't worry,
59
00:02:17,898 --> 00:02:19,399
I'm all full of good will now.
60
00:02:19,433 --> 00:02:21,635
Just like your closet, Jimmy.
61
00:02:21,669 --> 00:02:23,036
(audience laughter)
62
00:02:23,070 --> 00:02:25,572
Okay, you're lucky
you're just a kid.
63
00:02:25,606 --> 00:02:27,340
But in four more years,
64
00:02:27,375 --> 00:02:28,675
you're gonna be 18,
65
00:02:28,709 --> 00:02:30,944
and when you blow out
those candles,
66
00:02:30,978 --> 00:02:32,946
you better wish
for an ass-kicking,
67
00:02:32,980 --> 00:02:35,382
'cause that's what
you're gonna get!
68
00:02:35,416 --> 00:02:38,385
(audience jeering)
69
00:02:38,419 --> 00:02:40,086
You don't stand a chance
against me, Jimmy.
70
00:02:40,121 --> 00:02:41,621
They love me--
I'm a big star
71
00:02:41,656 --> 00:02:43,323
that gets the Jonas Brothers'
leftovers.
72
00:02:43,357 --> 00:02:45,225
We're talking
about relatively hot girls
73
00:02:45,259 --> 00:02:48,662
that'll kiss both
American and French style.
74
00:02:48,696 --> 00:02:50,830
"Your nose is so big,
when you sneeze
75
00:02:50,865 --> 00:02:53,533
New Jersey has to evacuate
its entire coastline."
76
00:02:53,567 --> 00:02:54,901
(audience groaning)
77
00:02:54,935 --> 00:02:56,770
Come on, guys.
Too soon.
78
00:03:01,842 --> 00:03:03,109
Barbara June.
79
00:03:03,144 --> 00:03:05,045
Wh-Where do you
think you're going?
80
00:03:05,079 --> 00:03:06,746
Oh, I'm-I'm on my
way to the beach
81
00:03:06,781 --> 00:03:08,281
to get rid of Wilfred's ashes.
82
00:03:08,316 --> 00:03:09,683
Oh, well,
I better come with you.
83
00:03:09,717 --> 00:03:11,184
You're wearing Crip colors,
84
00:03:11,218 --> 00:03:13,053
and west of Lincoln
is Blood territory.
85
00:03:13,087 --> 00:03:14,254
It's like you totally ignored
86
00:03:14,288 --> 00:03:15,722
all the advice
in the travel brochures.
87
00:03:15,756 --> 00:03:17,357
I'm not dumping
Wilfred's ashes in the ocean.
88
00:03:17,391 --> 00:03:19,426
I'm gonna throw them
in the face of that whore
89
00:03:19,460 --> 00:03:22,329
he cheated on me with, and hope
she chokes to death on them
90
00:03:22,363 --> 00:03:23,563
and burns in Hell.
91
00:03:23,597 --> 00:03:25,365
Oh, plus, there's
supposed to be
92
00:03:25,399 --> 00:03:27,233
a good taco place nearby
for after.
93
00:03:27,268 --> 00:03:28,568
You want to come?
94
00:03:28,602 --> 00:03:30,570
Well, I'm no stranger
to betrayal.
95
00:03:30,604 --> 00:03:34,007
Last week our strongest elf
left my online role-playing clan
96
00:03:34,041 --> 00:03:37,110
right before we tried to take on
the Dragon of Kjolnar. (groans)
97
00:03:37,144 --> 00:03:39,379
Also, my wife
constantly cheated on me.
98
00:03:39,413 --> 00:03:40,747
So, you want to help me?
99
00:03:40,781 --> 00:03:42,582
Try and stop me.
100
00:03:43,150 --> 00:03:44,217
(grunts)
101
00:03:44,251 --> 00:03:46,119
That was a figure of speech.
102
00:03:54,428 --> 00:03:55,595
What are you doing?
103
00:03:55,629 --> 00:03:56,930
Taking pictures
of all this food.
104
00:03:56,964 --> 00:03:58,665
The guys back at the
pool supply store
105
00:03:58,699 --> 00:04:00,600
will never believe there's
a pile of free bacon
106
00:04:00,634 --> 00:04:02,135
- as big as your head.
- Ooh, wait,
107
00:04:02,169 --> 00:04:04,404
let me put my head
next to it for scale.
108
00:04:05,706 --> 00:04:07,173
(click)
Now take a fistful of bacon
109
00:04:07,208 --> 00:04:09,576
and stuff it in your mouth
to show that it's free.
110
00:04:11,879 --> 00:04:13,246
(groans)
111
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:15,415
- I'm out of film! I got to get more film!
- Well, I saw
112
00:04:15,449 --> 00:04:17,784
a drugstore on the way in here.
I'll betcha they have more film.
113
00:04:17,818 --> 00:04:19,786
Oh, and pick me up a toothbrush
while you're out.
114
00:04:19,820 --> 00:04:22,889
Maw Maw used mine last night,
and I'm not sure what for.
115
00:04:36,003 --> 00:04:38,505
Whoa... it's all fake!
116
00:04:39,874 --> 00:04:42,876
Hollywood, you keep
throwing me curveballs!
117
00:04:44,111 --> 00:04:45,712
Oh, my God.
118
00:04:45,746 --> 00:04:49,048
You're not fake at all, are you?
119
00:04:49,083 --> 00:04:52,085
A real Nicaraguan pink dowager.
120
00:04:52,119 --> 00:04:54,754
What are you doing
so far from home?
121
00:04:54,789 --> 00:04:56,956
And you're a mess.
122
00:04:56,991 --> 00:05:00,960
Nah... I'll have you
pruned up in no time.
123
00:05:00,995 --> 00:05:02,362
What's that?
124
00:05:02,396 --> 00:05:04,798
No, no. I'm from Natesville.
125
00:05:04,832 --> 00:05:06,299
Okay, here's the deal.
126
00:05:06,333 --> 00:05:08,635
When the old whore
opens the door,
127
00:05:08,669 --> 00:05:10,770
you step back...
128
00:05:10,805 --> 00:05:13,673
and I'll throw the
ashes in her face.
129
00:05:15,075 --> 00:05:17,677
Hello, I'm a woman.
Please don't call me "sir."
130
00:05:17,711 --> 00:05:20,613
I'm Barbara June Thompson.
131
00:05:20,648 --> 00:05:22,649
I'm going to call you
Beardface.
132
00:05:23,884 --> 00:05:25,952
Is your grandmother home,
Beardface?
133
00:05:25,986 --> 00:05:28,521
(whispers): - Barbara June! Manners.
- It's a condition,
134
00:05:28,556 --> 00:05:31,191
and it's a lot more common
than you might think.
135
00:05:31,225 --> 00:05:32,492
So are razors.
136
00:05:32,526 --> 00:05:34,127
We're not here for that.
137
00:05:34,161 --> 00:05:36,162
I'm here looking for a skank
138
00:05:36,197 --> 00:05:38,498
by the name
of Marienne Crabtree.
139
00:05:38,532 --> 00:05:40,767
Shh! Wait a second.
140
00:05:40,801 --> 00:05:44,771
Grandpa, why don't you
go out to the garden.
141
00:05:44,805 --> 00:05:45,905
Okay.
142
00:05:45,940 --> 00:05:47,140
(inhales)
143
00:05:47,174 --> 00:05:48,408
(Grandpa's gurgling groan)
144
00:05:50,611 --> 00:05:52,612
Look, I know why you're here.
145
00:05:52,646 --> 00:05:54,781
I'm sorry
if my grandmother slept
146
00:05:54,815 --> 00:05:57,150
with your husband or your
boyfriend or broke your heart.
147
00:05:57,184 --> 00:05:59,285
She was a huge whore;
we all know it.
148
00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:01,054
My grandfather
doesn't need to hear it.
149
00:06:01,088 --> 00:06:03,389
What do you mean
she was a huge whore?
150
00:06:03,424 --> 00:06:06,226
With today's advances in lotions
and jellies and creams,
151
00:06:06,260 --> 00:06:10,330
I'm sure she's still out there
trampin' up the neighborhood.
152
00:06:10,364 --> 00:06:12,732
Actually, she's dead.
153
00:06:12,766 --> 00:06:15,101
I hope that brings you
some comfort.
154
00:06:17,104 --> 00:06:19,072
Well, I'm sorry you
didn't get your closure,
155
00:06:19,106 --> 00:06:20,840
but, hey, look
at the bright side--
156
00:06:20,875 --> 00:06:22,876
she's dead and you
get to move on.
157
00:06:22,910 --> 00:06:25,278
Oh... I'm making a
move, all right--
158
00:06:25,312 --> 00:06:27,280
on that old geezer.
159
00:06:27,314 --> 00:06:29,282
She slept with my man!
160
00:06:29,316 --> 00:06:31,117
I'm gonna sleep with hers!
161
00:06:31,151 --> 00:06:33,620
(maniacal laughing) Oh, you're
quite mad, Barbara June.
162
00:06:33,654 --> 00:06:36,422
(continues maniacal laughing)
But I can't say your laugh
163
00:06:36,457 --> 00:06:38,258
isn't a bit infectious.
164
00:06:38,292 --> 00:06:41,294
(both laughing maniacally)
165
00:06:49,336 --> 00:06:50,637
Hey, you!
166
00:06:51,772 --> 00:06:53,907
Who told you you could
mess with that bush?
167
00:06:53,941 --> 00:06:55,942
I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to be messing...
168
00:06:55,976 --> 00:06:58,578
Wait a minute, why am I
apologizing to a golfer?
169
00:06:58,612 --> 00:07:00,880
This bush has been
severely neglected.
170
00:07:00,915 --> 00:07:04,417
Whoever's in charge here
should be ashamed of themselves.
171
00:07:04,451 --> 00:07:07,020
Well, you've got
a take-charge attitude.
172
00:07:07,054 --> 00:07:08,955
We need more people like you.
173
00:07:08,989 --> 00:07:11,658
So, what's this bush
supposed to look like?
174
00:07:11,692 --> 00:07:13,593
Well, it's not really
supposed to look...
175
00:07:13,627 --> 00:07:15,128
I think it looks like a fat guy.
176
00:07:15,162 --> 00:07:17,030
(laughs) I love fat guys!
177
00:07:17,064 --> 00:07:19,198
They make me laugh.
(chuckles)
178
00:07:19,233 --> 00:07:21,034
Until they die young.
179
00:07:21,068 --> 00:07:22,769
And then I'm sad.
180
00:07:22,803 --> 00:07:26,039
You just made me laugh and cry.
181
00:07:26,073 --> 00:07:28,174
You're a true artist.
182
00:07:28,208 --> 00:07:29,742
Well, the art's already in there--
I just try
183
00:07:29,777 --> 00:07:31,978
to carve away the rest of the
bush so you could see it.
184
00:07:32,012 --> 00:07:34,280
Listen, the courtyard
by the parking structure
185
00:07:34,315 --> 00:07:35,848
needs a makeover.
186
00:07:35,883 --> 00:07:38,051
You come to my office tomorrow
with a pitch--
187
00:07:38,085 --> 00:07:40,954
and I don't mean this whole
"fat guy" thing, I'm over that.
188
00:07:40,988 --> 00:07:42,989
So you want me to "branch out"?
189
00:07:43,023 --> 00:07:45,258
(laughing):
That's funny!
190
00:07:45,292 --> 00:07:48,127
Not strong enough
to end the scene on...
191
00:07:48,162 --> 00:07:49,796
but funny.
192
00:07:53,831 --> 00:07:55,064
VIRGINIA:
All right, Hope,
193
00:07:55,099 --> 00:07:57,166
we need to try on
some of these clothes I got ya!
194
00:07:57,201 --> 00:07:59,435
Whoa-whoa-whoa, we're
working on Hope's craft.
195
00:07:59,470 --> 00:08:01,738
Well, that's a waste of time.
196
00:08:01,772 --> 00:08:04,240
Child stars go downhill
no matter how good they act.
197
00:08:04,274 --> 00:08:05,975
They could star
in a Spielberg movie
198
00:08:06,009 --> 00:08:07,944
and still end up
playing the nutty mom
199
00:08:07,978 --> 00:08:09,712
on some sitcom.
200
00:08:09,747 --> 00:08:11,147
Trust me.
201
00:08:11,181 --> 00:08:14,751
The real money is
in product placement.
202
00:08:14,785 --> 00:08:17,086
Alvin Klein?
203
00:08:17,121 --> 00:08:20,056
(laughs):
Dolce and Banana?
204
00:08:20,090 --> 00:08:21,591
Armenian Eagle?
205
00:08:21,625 --> 00:08:23,359
Well, they're knockoffs!
We can't put her
206
00:08:23,394 --> 00:08:25,661
in the big brand names yet--
she hasn't popped.
207
00:08:25,696 --> 00:08:26,662
SABRINA:
Acting is about art.
208
00:08:26,697 --> 00:08:27,997
It's not about
shamelessly trying
209
00:08:28,031 --> 00:08:29,465
- to peddle a product.
- Yeah?
210
00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:31,200
Tell that
to that Paul Newman guy.
211
00:08:31,235 --> 00:08:33,202
He's in every aisle
of the grocery store.
212
00:08:33,237 --> 00:08:35,238
I think I even use his tampons.
213
00:08:36,507 --> 00:08:38,474
MAN:
So, the concept is...
214
00:08:38,509 --> 00:08:41,944
a notorious playboy dies
and can't get into Heaven,
215
00:08:41,979 --> 00:08:46,149
so he's got to go back to Earth
and help couples find true love.
216
00:08:46,183 --> 00:08:49,118
It's called Douche Angel.
217
00:08:52,623 --> 00:08:53,790
No.
218
00:08:56,994 --> 00:08:58,327
(whispers):
I loved it.
219
00:08:58,362 --> 00:08:59,629
Plant Guy!
220
00:08:59,663 --> 00:09:01,597
You've got five minutes.
221
00:09:01,632 --> 00:09:04,434
Okay, uh... do you have
a cassette player?
222
00:09:04,468 --> 00:09:05,501
No.
223
00:09:05,536 --> 00:09:07,036
Oh.
224
00:09:07,070 --> 00:09:08,538
Okay, uh...
225
00:09:08,572 --> 00:09:11,707
I think the pitch'll
still work without music.
226
00:09:11,742 --> 00:09:13,876
Two, three, four...
227
00:09:13,911 --> 00:09:15,511
♪ Hey, two, three, four ♪
228
00:09:15,546 --> 00:09:17,246
♪ Plants, two, three, four ♪
229
00:09:17,281 --> 00:09:18,614
♪ Courtyard! ♪
230
00:09:20,284 --> 00:09:22,018
Interesting.
231
00:09:22,052 --> 00:09:24,654
It's like Glee but with plants.
232
00:09:24,688 --> 00:09:26,789
Go on.
233
00:09:28,091 --> 00:09:29,725
♪ Two, three, four... ♪
234
00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:31,761
Okay.
235
00:09:35,098 --> 00:09:36,899
What are you doing?
236
00:09:36,934 --> 00:09:38,534
We have to get Hope
into wardrobe.
237
00:09:38,569 --> 00:09:40,570
No. We have to get Hope
into Us Magazine,
238
00:09:40,604 --> 00:09:41,671
and this outfit...
239
00:09:42,706 --> 00:09:44,207
...is gonna do it.
240
00:09:44,241 --> 00:09:45,508
You are gonna get her fired
241
00:09:45,542 --> 00:09:47,276
trying to sneak in
your own product placement!
242
00:09:47,311 --> 00:09:49,712
She is an actor, not a race car.
243
00:09:49,746 --> 00:09:52,548
Oh. You had to play
the race car.
244
00:09:53,717 --> 00:09:54,917
(laughing)
245
00:09:54,952 --> 00:09:57,220
I feel like an idiot
in this costume.
246
00:09:57,254 --> 00:09:59,222
It makes me look
like a total...
247
00:09:59,256 --> 00:10:00,056
Ass?
248
00:10:00,090 --> 00:10:01,224
Well, technically,
249
00:10:01,258 --> 00:10:03,059
my character is Dr. Buttcrack,
250
00:10:03,093 --> 00:10:04,994
and apparently,
I got my medical degree
251
00:10:05,028 --> 00:10:07,196
from Fartbutt State University.
252
00:10:07,231 --> 00:10:09,232
- Mm.
- So, we ready to go?
253
00:10:09,266 --> 00:10:10,766
Excuse me?
I don't think
254
00:10:10,801 --> 00:10:12,835
that I can wear this on TV.
255
00:10:12,870 --> 00:10:14,270
That's fine with me.
Anyone else want
256
00:10:14,304 --> 00:10:16,339
to slip into this giant ass,
get yourself on TV?
257
00:10:16,373 --> 00:10:18,841
- I'll do it!
- Oh, no-no-no-no. I'll do it.
258
00:10:18,876 --> 00:10:20,042
Great, great, 'cause my buzz is
259
00:10:20,077 --> 00:10:22,044
wearing off and we only got
two more hours with the kid.
260
00:10:22,079 --> 00:10:25,948
All right, let's shoot this
steaming pile of show business!
261
00:10:29,286 --> 00:10:30,953
Hello, I'm a woman.
262
00:10:30,988 --> 00:10:32,755
Please don't... oh.
263
00:10:32,789 --> 00:10:34,757
I'm so sorry
to bother you again
264
00:10:34,791 --> 00:10:36,959
but I felt guilty all day
265
00:10:36,994 --> 00:10:39,028
that my friend Barbara June
came in here
266
00:10:39,062 --> 00:10:41,397
and dredged up the memories
of your whorish grandmother.
267
00:10:41,431 --> 00:10:43,599
A lovely woman such as yourself
268
00:10:43,634 --> 00:10:45,635
didn't deserve that.
269
00:10:46,770 --> 00:10:48,271
Other than the milk company
I sued
270
00:10:48,305 --> 00:10:49,639
over all those bull hormones,
271
00:10:49,673 --> 00:10:52,074
no one's ever apologized
to me before.
272
00:10:52,109 --> 00:10:53,576
I'm blushing.
273
00:10:55,445 --> 00:10:56,979
I-It's hardly noticeable.
274
00:10:57,014 --> 00:10:59,215
Would you like to come in
for some tea?
275
00:10:59,249 --> 00:11:01,751
Oh, I'd like that very much.
276
00:11:07,658 --> 00:11:09,158
And with a little rain...
277
00:11:11,662 --> 00:11:14,163
and the warmth of the sun...
278
00:11:17,734 --> 00:11:20,803
...and of course,
the finest manure...
279
00:11:21,672 --> 00:11:23,472
Uh, we get it! We get it.
280
00:11:23,507 --> 00:11:26,375
You know I've heard a lot
of crappy pitches in my time,
281
00:11:26,410 --> 00:11:29,045
but I've never
seen anyone bring in
282
00:11:29,079 --> 00:11:31,414
an actual bucket of feces.
283
00:11:31,448 --> 00:11:32,782
(chuckling)
284
00:11:32,816 --> 00:11:35,318
Plant Guy, I'm disappointed...
285
00:11:37,020 --> 00:11:39,021
...that I have never heard
286
00:11:39,056 --> 00:11:41,991
a landscaping pitch
this good before!
287
00:11:42,025 --> 00:11:43,459
Sold!
288
00:11:46,396 --> 00:11:49,665
Come on, let's hear it!
289
00:11:51,234 --> 00:11:56,172
(kazooing song:
"Bicycle Built for Two")
290
00:11:57,641 --> 00:12:01,043
(kazoos harmonizing)
291
00:12:04,715 --> 00:12:06,449
Wow.
292
00:12:06,483 --> 00:12:08,784
I haven't met many
women who play.
293
00:12:08,819 --> 00:12:11,687
I also play the slide whistle
and the maracas.
294
00:12:11,722 --> 00:12:13,055
Whoa.
295
00:12:13,090 --> 00:12:15,091
So you manage a grocery store?
296
00:12:15,125 --> 00:12:16,692
That sounds exciting.
297
00:12:16,727 --> 00:12:17,693
Well, what do you do?
298
00:12:17,728 --> 00:12:18,928
I'm a soup taster.
299
00:12:18,962 --> 00:12:20,997
Oh, I have a cousin
who tasted stews.
300
00:12:21,031 --> 00:12:22,164
You're kidding?
301
00:12:22,199 --> 00:12:24,033
I would love to get into stews.
302
00:12:24,067 --> 00:12:25,534
I'll send him your résumé.
303
00:12:26,737 --> 00:12:27,870
Thanks.
304
00:12:27,904 --> 00:12:31,407
(playing "Camptown Races")
305
00:12:31,441 --> 00:12:33,409
(kazooing continues)
306
00:12:37,777 --> 00:12:39,644
And here I am in high school.
307
00:12:39,679 --> 00:12:42,380
Oh. Which cheerleader
were you?
308
00:12:42,415 --> 00:12:43,982
Oh, no, I was the mascot.
309
00:12:44,016 --> 00:12:45,784
The Burbank Billy Goat.
310
00:12:45,818 --> 00:12:47,586
I was the first student
in 20 years
311
00:12:47,620 --> 00:12:49,287
who didn't have to wear
the costume head.
312
00:12:49,322 --> 00:12:51,790
(cheering): Push 'em back,
push 'em back, way...
313
00:12:51,824 --> 00:12:53,425
(baaing):
Ba-a-a-a-a-a-ack.
314
00:12:53,459 --> 00:12:57,929
I've always found billy goats
to have a quiet dignity.
315
00:12:59,899 --> 00:13:02,601
You're a beautiful man, Barney.
316
00:13:05,271 --> 00:13:07,939
It's been so long.
317
00:13:10,476 --> 00:13:12,844
(moaning)
318
00:13:12,879 --> 00:13:14,112
(laughter)
319
00:13:14,147 --> 00:13:16,414
Now, I know you look
like a big, fat butt,
320
00:13:16,449 --> 00:13:19,284
but are you gonna check
my reflexes or what?
321
00:13:23,823 --> 00:13:25,123
(groaning)
322
00:13:25,158 --> 00:13:26,158
(laughing)
323
00:13:27,293 --> 00:13:29,795
Wait, that's not in the script.
324
00:13:29,829 --> 00:13:30,929
Trevor likes to riff.
325
00:13:30,963 --> 00:13:32,197
He's got a real
talent for rhyming.
326
00:13:32,231 --> 00:13:34,032
His first hip-hop album
drops next week.
327
00:13:34,066 --> 00:13:35,200
"Yo Grabba Ho."
328
00:13:35,234 --> 00:13:37,335
Cici, I heard you were sick.
329
00:13:37,370 --> 00:13:39,638
Having a cold can be
hard to kick.
330
00:13:39,672 --> 00:13:41,540
(grunting) (audience laughing)
331
00:13:43,209 --> 00:13:45,210
Cici, are you out of whack?
332
00:13:45,244 --> 00:13:47,879
Just take a shot
from Dr. Buttcrack.
333
00:13:47,914 --> 00:13:49,548
(blows raspberry) (all oohing)
334
00:13:49,582 --> 00:13:51,650
That's not in the script.
335
00:13:51,684 --> 00:13:53,685
Trevor doesn't like it
when other people improvise.
336
00:13:53,719 --> 00:13:55,453
Hope likes to riff, too.
337
00:13:55,488 --> 00:13:57,155
I don't think you heard me.
338
00:13:57,190 --> 00:13:59,891
I said, Cici,
are you out of whack?
339
00:13:59,926 --> 00:14:03,295
Just take a shot
from Dr. Buttcrack.
340
00:14:03,329 --> 00:14:05,297
(blows raspberry) (laughing)
341
00:14:06,833 --> 00:14:08,500
And... cut!
342
00:14:08,534 --> 00:14:09,868
We're moving on.
343
00:14:09,902 --> 00:14:11,903
Wait. I still had
another joke.
344
00:14:11,938 --> 00:14:13,605
We're not gonna beat that.
345
00:14:15,241 --> 00:14:16,575
Yo, yo, yo, Zappa Do.
346
00:14:16,609 --> 00:14:19,344
Looks like Hope's the star,
and you're number two.
347
00:14:19,378 --> 00:14:21,413
(laughing, blows raspberry)
348
00:14:21,447 --> 00:14:22,581
(blows raspberry)
349
00:14:22,615 --> 00:14:26,518
(laughing)
350
00:14:31,090 --> 00:14:32,190
You're a great kisser.
351
00:14:32,225 --> 00:14:33,658
Thanks.
352
00:14:35,962 --> 00:14:37,495
So are you.
353
00:14:39,565 --> 00:14:41,700
Why don't we take
this upstairs?
354
00:14:44,470 --> 00:14:47,772
Well, not the hottest sex
I've ever had,
355
00:14:47,807 --> 00:14:48,974
but in this case,
356
00:14:49,008 --> 00:14:53,178
revenge is a dish
best served cold.
357
00:14:53,212 --> 00:14:54,946
What is she doing here?
358
00:14:54,981 --> 00:14:56,514
While he was distracting you,
359
00:14:56,549 --> 00:14:59,384
I was having revenge sex
with your grandpa.
360
00:14:59,418 --> 00:15:01,353
We put his adjustable bed
into positions
361
00:15:01,387 --> 00:15:03,855
it never imagined.
362
00:15:03,890 --> 00:15:05,690
You're a monster.
363
00:15:05,725 --> 00:15:06,858
And you?
364
00:15:06,893 --> 00:15:08,793
That's what this was all about?
365
00:15:08,828 --> 00:15:10,161
I have to be honest.
366
00:15:10,196 --> 00:15:11,730
I was supposed
to be distracting you,
367
00:15:11,764 --> 00:15:12,964
but somewhere along the way,
368
00:15:12,999 --> 00:15:15,367
I realized for the
first time in years...
369
00:15:15,401 --> 00:15:18,370
I could get lucky.
370
00:15:18,404 --> 00:15:19,804
Is that offer
still on the table?
371
00:15:19,839 --> 00:15:21,773
You're both monsters.
372
00:15:21,807 --> 00:15:23,875
You wanted to see
my grandmother?
373
00:15:25,444 --> 00:15:26,745
I'll show her to you,
374
00:15:26,779 --> 00:15:28,713
up close.
375
00:15:28,748 --> 00:15:30,749
Ugh. Oh!
376
00:15:32,451 --> 00:15:34,753
N-No, no, no.
Ladies!
377
00:15:34,787 --> 00:15:35,987
Ladies, please!
Ladies, please!
378
00:15:36,022 --> 00:15:37,122
(gasping)
379
00:15:37,156 --> 00:15:39,190
(gasping):
Help!
380
00:15:39,225 --> 00:15:41,526
I left my inhaler in the car!
381
00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:43,128
(gasping)
382
00:15:51,604 --> 00:15:53,571
Wow!
383
00:15:53,606 --> 00:15:55,674
I thought we were
gonna have to bring in
384
00:15:55,708 --> 00:15:58,009
some hired guns
for a major replant,
385
00:15:58,044 --> 00:16:00,111
but you nailed it.
386
00:16:00,146 --> 00:16:01,680
I wouldn't change a flower.
387
00:16:01,714 --> 00:16:02,747
Thank you, Mr. President.
388
00:16:02,782 --> 00:16:04,449
This is only the beginning.
389
00:16:04,483 --> 00:16:07,319
Today a courtyard;
tomorrow, a hedge maze.
390
00:16:07,353 --> 00:16:08,954
Thursday, I rest
because I'm human,
391
00:16:08,988 --> 00:16:11,456
but Friday, I'm back
fresh with big ideas.
392
00:16:11,490 --> 00:16:13,191
Whoa, whoa!
Slow down, Plant Guy.
393
00:16:13,225 --> 00:16:14,960
I love it,
394
00:16:14,994 --> 00:16:17,462
but I gotta make sure the
people I sell my shows to
395
00:16:17,496 --> 00:16:19,331
enjoy this courtyard, too.
396
00:16:19,365 --> 00:16:21,533
We'll see what
the focus group thinks.
397
00:16:21,567 --> 00:16:23,368
These are the presidents
398
00:16:23,402 --> 00:16:26,471
of all the major networks.
399
00:16:26,505 --> 00:16:31,142
Burt, this is FOX,
NBC, CBS, ABC.
400
00:16:31,177 --> 00:16:32,711
Oh, and here's BET.
401
00:16:33,879 --> 00:16:36,281
I know. A white guy.
Go figure.
402
00:16:37,516 --> 00:16:39,985
So, we all think
this is perfect, right?
403
00:16:40,019 --> 00:16:42,153
It's really great.
404
00:16:42,188 --> 00:16:43,621
It taps into the
whole Zeitgeist
405
00:16:43,656 --> 00:16:44,956
of the modern courtyard.
406
00:16:44,991 --> 00:16:46,791
I just wish it were a
little more relatable
407
00:16:46,826 --> 00:16:48,693
to the 18-34 demo.
408
00:16:48,728 --> 00:16:50,628
I was thinking the same thing.
409
00:16:50,663 --> 00:16:52,030
Maybe something
gluten-free.
410
00:16:52,064 --> 00:16:53,698
My niece likes
gluten-free.
411
00:16:54,934 --> 00:16:56,935
Yo, the hedges is tight,
but to really set it off,
412
00:16:56,969 --> 00:16:59,170
white boy should throw some
daisies around that bitch.
413
00:16:59,205 --> 00:17:00,638
You heard 'em, Burt.
414
00:17:00,673 --> 00:17:01,973
More gluten-free,
415
00:17:02,008 --> 00:17:03,575
and do whatever the
hell Joe just said.
416
00:17:03,609 --> 00:17:04,909
I don't know how
to tell you this,
417
00:17:04,944 --> 00:17:07,078
but nothing they just said
makes any sense.
418
00:17:07,113 --> 00:17:09,381
Let me give you
a piece of advice, kid,
419
00:17:09,415 --> 00:17:10,849
you want to landscape
in this town,
420
00:17:10,883 --> 00:17:12,517
you better play the game.
421
00:17:12,551 --> 00:17:14,185
Look, I just want to make
something I'm proud of
422
00:17:14,220 --> 00:17:15,587
that I know people will like.
423
00:17:15,621 --> 00:17:17,722
With all this involvement
and intrusion,
424
00:17:17,757 --> 00:17:18,857
I don't understand
how you guys make
425
00:17:18,891 --> 00:17:21,092
so many fine movies
and TV shows.
426
00:17:21,127 --> 00:17:22,861
I-I'm going back
to Natesville.
427
00:17:22,895 --> 00:17:24,729
I-I don't care if living
by the processing plant
428
00:17:24,764 --> 00:17:26,498
shaves 20 years off my life.
429
00:17:26,532 --> 00:17:28,033
At least there I can make
430
00:17:28,067 --> 00:17:29,934
the kinds of gardens
I believe in.
431
00:17:29,969 --> 00:17:32,537
Which one of you is from NBC?
432
00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:36,007
(loud groan)
433
00:17:36,042 --> 00:17:38,643
That's for canceling
My Name is Earl!"
434
00:17:39,979 --> 00:17:42,180
That was eight network
presidents ago!
435
00:17:42,214 --> 00:17:43,681
I loved it!
436
00:17:48,527 --> 00:17:50,261
(blows raspberry)
437
00:17:50,296 --> 00:17:51,629
She's the next Meryl Streep.
438
00:17:51,664 --> 00:17:53,398
What does Meryl Streep have?
439
00:17:53,432 --> 00:17:54,632
Does she have a handbag line?
440
00:17:54,667 --> 00:17:55,633
A Twitter account?
441
00:17:55,668 --> 00:17:57,468
She's never on TV.
442
00:17:57,503 --> 00:17:59,337
How can you consider
yourself a celebrity
443
00:17:59,371 --> 00:18:01,606
if you've never been on
"Celebrity" anything?
444
00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:04,142
Cici, that's enough
monkeying around.
445
00:18:04,176 --> 00:18:06,211
It's time for me to make
my wizard sound.
446
00:18:08,013 --> 00:18:10,515
Yo Zappa Do!
447
00:18:11,417 --> 00:18:13,384
And... cut!
448
00:18:13,419 --> 00:18:15,286
Hold places, get the girl out.
449
00:18:19,491 --> 00:18:20,525
What's going on?
450
00:18:20,559 --> 00:18:22,060
Why are you taking Hope out?
451
00:18:22,094 --> 00:18:23,962
Oh, there's been a rewrite.
Hope's been replaced.
452
00:18:23,996 --> 00:18:25,063
I was gonna tell
you guys before,
453
00:18:25,097 --> 00:18:26,664
but I hate confrontation
when I'm sober.
454
00:18:26,699 --> 00:18:28,132
Is this because Sabrina was
455
00:18:28,167 --> 00:18:30,301
making changes to the script?
456
00:18:30,336 --> 00:18:31,436
You turned her
into a billboard.
457
00:18:31,470 --> 00:18:32,904
Nobody looks up to a billboard.
458
00:18:32,938 --> 00:18:34,405
Okay, I know people literally
look up to billboards.
459
00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:35,673
You know what I meant.
460
00:18:35,708 --> 00:18:37,141
It wasn't either of you.
461
00:18:37,176 --> 00:18:38,476
Oh, I get it.
462
00:18:38,510 --> 00:18:40,044
It's Jimmy's fault for
sucking as an extra.
463
00:18:40,079 --> 00:18:43,581
I've done everything
they've asked!
464
00:18:43,616 --> 00:18:46,384
Uh, you guys weren't
the problem, okay?
465
00:18:46,418 --> 00:18:47,919
I deal with crazy actors
466
00:18:47,953 --> 00:18:49,988
and their crazy families
all the time.
467
00:18:50,022 --> 00:18:51,222
The truth is you can behave
468
00:18:51,257 --> 00:18:52,890
as horribly as you want
in show business.
469
00:18:52,925 --> 00:18:56,194
The one thing you can't do
is steal a star's thunder.
470
00:18:56,228 --> 00:18:58,997
I've been in this business for
eight months-- eight months--
471
00:18:59,031 --> 00:19:01,099
and I've given way too much
of my life away
472
00:19:01,133 --> 00:19:03,668
to lose my show to some
one-trick pony
473
00:19:03,702 --> 00:19:05,003
who still wears pull-ups.
474
00:19:05,037 --> 00:19:06,671
But she's such a hit
with the fans.
475
00:19:06,705 --> 00:19:09,007
I want her off the show, Stu.
476
00:19:09,041 --> 00:19:10,975
Honestly, it's like
you want me to post
477
00:19:11,010 --> 00:19:13,911
those pictures with you
and that Asian transvestite.
478
00:19:13,946 --> 00:19:16,447
Hope's already shot
half the scenes.
479
00:19:16,482 --> 00:19:18,049
You can't take her
out of the show now.
480
00:19:18,083 --> 00:19:19,517
It makes no sense.
481
00:19:19,551 --> 00:19:23,087
This is a show about a kid
who wears enchanted tap shoes
482
00:19:23,122 --> 00:19:24,689
whose gym teacher's a mermaid.
483
00:19:24,723 --> 00:19:26,891
We are not concerned
about logic.
484
00:19:26,925 --> 00:19:29,093
And action!
485
00:19:31,430 --> 00:19:35,033
(audience laughter)
486
00:19:45,411 --> 00:19:46,544
Damn.
487
00:19:46,578 --> 00:19:48,313
It really is funnier
with a monkey.
488
00:19:48,347 --> 00:19:49,647
(sighing)
489
00:19:49,682 --> 00:19:51,249
(blows raspberry)
490
00:19:51,283 --> 00:19:52,950
(laughter)
491
00:19:55,521 --> 00:19:57,088
I was really hoping
going to Hollywood
492
00:19:57,122 --> 00:19:59,157
would make our life
more exciting.
493
00:19:59,191 --> 00:20:02,760
I guess we're just doomed
to be boring people forever.
494
00:20:02,795 --> 00:20:04,195
Well, if you think about it,
495
00:20:04,229 --> 00:20:06,464
our lives are actually
pretty exciting.
496
00:20:07,466 --> 00:20:09,300
Hope was a TV star for a day.
497
00:20:09,335 --> 00:20:10,401
That's true.
498
00:20:10,436 --> 00:20:12,203
And I refused to
compromise my art
499
00:20:12,237 --> 00:20:13,271
for fame and money.
500
00:20:13,305 --> 00:20:15,506
I'm like... like...
501
00:20:15,541 --> 00:20:17,875
Actually, I can't think of
anyone who's ever done that.
502
00:20:17,910 --> 00:20:20,278
And although I'm
not a real doctor,
503
00:20:20,312 --> 00:20:22,480
I did get to play one on TV.
504
00:20:22,514 --> 00:20:24,882
I had revenge sex
with an old guy
505
00:20:24,917 --> 00:20:27,318
while Barney made out
with a bearded woman.
506
00:20:27,353 --> 00:20:29,721
Barbara June!
507
00:20:29,755 --> 00:20:32,056
I got to second base
with a bearded woman.
508
00:20:32,091 --> 00:20:33,758
If you're gonna tell a story,
tell it right.
509
00:20:33,792 --> 00:20:35,727
It was a crazy trip.
510
00:20:35,761 --> 00:20:37,829
Maybe our lives
really are exciting.
511
00:20:37,863 --> 00:20:41,065
You know, I think if someone
filmed the stuff we do,
512
00:20:41,100 --> 00:20:42,667
it'd be fun to watch.
513
00:20:42,701 --> 00:20:44,135
Yeah, I can see that.
514
00:20:44,169 --> 00:20:46,437
I mean if you edited out
all the boring parts,
515
00:20:46,472 --> 00:20:47,972
you know, like this stuff,
516
00:20:48,006 --> 00:20:50,041
where we're all just sitting
around talking in the car.
517
00:20:50,075 --> 00:20:51,876
Hmm.
518
00:20:51,910 --> 00:20:54,912
Hah. Look, somebody
wrote "wash me"
519
00:20:54,947 --> 00:20:56,614
on that back of that dirty car.
520
00:20:56,648 --> 00:20:58,950
(all laugh half-heartedly)
521
00:21:00,886 --> 00:21:04,422
"Gas, food, lodging,
20 miles."
522
00:21:07,192 --> 00:21:09,761
- Hmm.
- Huh.
523
00:21:09,795 --> 00:21:12,163
That's a big cloud.
524
00:21:36,172 --> 00:21:40,818
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
37519
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