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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:10,044 --> 00:00:12,080 - HI, GLAD YOU'RE BACK. LET ME CATCH YOU UP. 2 00:00:12,113 --> 00:00:13,581 ELKA WON A SPOT ON CITY COUNCIL. 3 00:00:13,614 --> 00:00:16,484 - YOU WON! - I WON! 4 00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:19,120 - VICTORIA SHARED AN ACADEMY AWARD WITH HELEN MIRREN. 5 00:00:19,153 --> 00:00:21,021 - AND THE OSCAR GOES TO HELEN MIRREN. 6 00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:25,326 - AND VICTORIA CHASE. - WHAT? 7 00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:27,428 - IT'S A TIE! both: 8 00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:30,198 - AND JOY WAS PROPOSED TO BY THREE GUYS ON THE SAME NIGHT-- 9 00:00:30,231 --> 00:00:31,999 SIMON, MITCH, AND BOB. 10 00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:33,167 BUT BEFORE SHE COULD ANSWER, 11 00:00:33,201 --> 00:00:35,336 SHE WAS KNOCKED OUT BY SIMON, MITCH, AND BOB. 12 00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:38,806 OH, SHE'S NOT GONNA LIKE THAT PICTURE. 13 00:00:38,839 --> 00:00:39,873 BETTER START THE SHOW. 14 00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:42,876 - WHICH DO YOU THINK IS THE BIGGEST NEWS-- 15 00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:45,479 WHO JOY HAS CHOSEN TO MARRY 16 00:00:45,513 --> 00:00:49,750 OR THE LATEST DEVELOPMENT IN MY SUPER-EXCITING CAREER? 17 00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:53,954 - PROBABLY JOY'S THING. 18 00:00:53,987 --> 00:00:55,789 - BUT YOU HAVEN'T HEARD MY THING YET. 19 00:00:55,823 --> 00:00:59,193 - I HAVEN'T HEARD JOY'S THING EITHER. 20 00:00:59,227 --> 00:01:01,762 - ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA TELL YOU ANYWAY. 21 00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:04,465 I AM FLYING TO NEW YORK THIS AFTERNOON 22 00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:06,967 TO STAR IN A MOVIE WITH BRAD PITT. 23 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,137 - BRAD PITT! 24 00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:11,905 I MIGHT ACTUALLY SEE ONE OF YOUR MOVIES. 25 00:01:13,141 --> 00:01:16,377 - I WAS ABOUT TO ACCEPT THE LEAD IN AN HBO DRAMA 26 00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:19,713 WHEN MY DARLING CO-OSCAR-WINNING HELEN MIRREN CALLED. 27 00:01:19,747 --> 00:01:22,516 OH, SHE HAD TO PASS ON THE BRAD PITT MOVIE, 28 00:01:22,550 --> 00:01:24,652 SO SHE RECOMMENDED ME. 29 00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:26,254 OH. 30 00:01:26,287 --> 00:01:29,923 IT'S JUST SO BEAUTIFUL THE WAY WE A-LISTERS GIVE FREELY. 31 00:01:36,797 --> 00:01:39,233 - I'M BACK! OH. 32 00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:40,801 OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO BE HOME. 33 00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:42,803 - OH, AND IT'S SO GOOD TO HAVE YOU HOME. 34 00:01:42,836 --> 00:01:44,071 BUT WHERE'S MELANIE? 35 00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:45,339 I THOUGHT SHE WAS DRIVING YOU FROM THE HOSPITAL. 36 00:01:45,373 --> 00:01:46,740 - YES, SHE WAS, 37 00:01:46,774 --> 00:01:48,342 BUT THE DOCTOR SAID I SHOULD AVOID STRESSFUL SITUATIONS. 38 00:01:48,376 --> 00:01:50,544 - DID SHE SAY WHO SHE WAS GONNA MARRY YET?! 39 00:01:50,578 --> 00:01:52,213 SIMON, MITCH, OR BOB? SIMON, MITCH, OR BOB? 40 00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:55,583 - SO I TOOK A CAB. 41 00:01:57,084 --> 00:02:00,288 PLUS, I WANTED TO TELL ALL OF YOU MY DECISION TOGETHER. 42 00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:02,223 - SO WHO'S THE LUCKY GUY? 43 00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:05,025 - WELL, I WAS UP ALL NIGHT PICTURING MYSELF 44 00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:07,561 MARRIED TO EACH ONE OF THEM, AND ONLY ONE OF THEM FELT RIGHT. 45 00:02:07,595 --> 00:02:08,629 - MITCH? - NO. 46 00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:09,697 - BOB? - NO. 47 00:02:09,730 --> 00:02:12,032 - SIMON! I KNEW IT! 48 00:02:12,065 --> 00:02:14,702 - YES, IT'S SIMON. IT'S ALWAYS BEEN SIMON. 49 00:02:14,735 --> 00:02:17,104 HE WAS MY FIRST LOVE, AND WHEN HE CAME BACK INTO MY LIFE, 50 00:02:17,205 --> 00:02:18,772 IT JUST FELT LIKE DESTINY. 51 00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:20,208 - OH, THAT IS WONDERFUL, SWEETIE. 52 00:02:20,208 --> 00:02:21,442 HAVE YOU TOLD HIM YET? 53 00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:24,545 - NO, I HAVE TO BREAK THE NEWS TO BOB AND MITCH FIRST. 54 00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:26,680 I OWE THEM THAT. - HOW ARE YOU GONNA TELL MITCH? 55 00:02:26,714 --> 00:02:28,682 - OH, I HAVE IT ALL PLANNED OUT 56 00:02:28,716 --> 00:02:30,384 SO WE PART AS FRIENDS. 57 00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:32,920 I GO OVER IN MY BLACK DRESS THAT MAKES ME LOOK SORRY 58 00:02:32,953 --> 00:02:35,356 BUT IN A HOT WAY. 59 00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:37,658 I REFERENCE HIS BEST QUALITIES: 60 00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:40,461 HE'S HANDSOME, KIND, 61 00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:42,863 HANDSOME. 62 00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:46,734 WE KISS FAREWELL AND HE ASKS-- NO, INSISTS 63 00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:48,369 THAT WE REMAIN GOOD FRIENDS. 64 00:02:51,138 --> 00:02:54,141 IT'S MITCH. 65 00:02:54,242 --> 00:02:56,810 HELLO. 66 00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:58,379 WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WE'LL NEVER BE FRIENDS? 67 00:02:58,412 --> 00:03:00,648 HOW DID YOU-- 68 00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:02,683 HE BUGGED THE LIVING ROOM. 69 00:03:06,254 --> 00:03:08,722 WELL, YOU'RE A DETECTIVE, I SUPPOSE THAT'S NORMAL. 70 00:03:11,992 --> 00:03:13,694 - CAMERAS, TOO? 71 00:03:23,671 --> 00:03:26,039 - * BA-BA, BA-BA 72 00:03:26,073 --> 00:03:28,909 * BA-BA, BA-BA 73 00:03:28,942 --> 00:03:29,943 * HEY! 74 00:03:31,279 --> 00:03:34,315 - OKAY, I THINK I FOUND THE LAST ONE. 75 00:03:34,348 --> 00:03:36,384 - HMM, YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY. 76 00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:38,185 I HAD NO IDEA THOSE CAMERAS WERE THERE, 77 00:03:38,286 --> 00:03:40,888 BUT NOW THAT THEY'RE GONE, I KIND OF MISS THEM. 78 00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:46,860 - I'M GOING TO NEW YORK WITH YOU. 79 00:03:46,894 --> 00:03:48,696 - WHAT? 80 00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:51,532 - THE HEAT'S ON. I'VE GOTTA GET OUT OF TOWN. 81 00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:54,702 - LAST NIGHT AT THE COUNCIL MEETING, 82 00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:56,069 ELKA ANNOUNCED THAT SHE HAS A PLAN 83 00:03:56,103 --> 00:03:58,171 TO BRING A THOUSAND JOBS TO CLEVELAND. 84 00:03:58,205 --> 00:04:01,309 SHE HAS NO PLAN. - WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? 85 00:04:01,309 --> 00:04:03,477 - THE MAYOR WAS BEING ALL BRAGGY. 86 00:04:03,511 --> 00:04:06,780 YOU KNOW HOW I GET. 87 00:04:06,814 --> 00:04:10,518 - FINE. FINE, BUT I AM NOT INTRODUCING YOU TO BRAD PITT. 88 00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:12,753 - WE'LL SEE. 89 00:04:15,989 --> 00:04:17,991 - OH, HEY. DID YOU BREAK THE NEWS TO BOB? 90 00:04:18,025 --> 00:04:19,393 - NOT YET. 91 00:04:19,427 --> 00:04:21,362 I TRIED TO CALL, BUT I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO REACH HIM. 92 00:04:21,395 --> 00:04:23,130 I HATE TO LET HIM DOWN. HE'S SO SWEET. 93 00:04:23,163 --> 00:04:24,865 - HE REALLY IS, 94 00:04:24,898 --> 00:04:26,767 BUT RIGHT NOW, YOU AND SIMON SHOULD BE TOGETHER. 95 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:28,336 - I HAVE TO TELL BOB FIRST. 96 00:04:28,369 --> 00:04:29,970 - WELL, LET ME TELL HIM. 97 00:04:30,003 --> 00:04:32,005 WE'RE FRIENDS. I WILL LET HIM DOWN GENTLY. 98 00:04:32,039 --> 00:04:33,507 - REALLY? - YES. 99 00:04:33,541 --> 00:04:36,143 SO GO AND PLAN YOUR PERFECT SCOTTISH WEDDING. 100 00:04:36,176 --> 00:04:37,478 - OH, MELANIE, THANK YOU. 101 00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:41,181 - GO, BE WITH THE MAN YOU LOVE. 102 00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:43,784 - OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GETTING MARRIED. 103 00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:45,819 OH, I CAN PICTURE IT NOW: 104 00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:49,122 A SCOTTISH CASTLE, THE GROOMSMEN IN KILTS, 105 00:04:49,156 --> 00:04:50,824 AND AT THE END OF THE NIGHT, 106 00:04:50,858 --> 00:04:53,794 MY DARLING SIMON HEROICALLY PUMPING THE BAGPIPES. 107 00:04:56,464 --> 00:04:59,500 - DON'T CALL YOURSELF NAMES, JOY. 108 00:05:06,374 --> 00:05:08,241 - I KNOW THIS IS HARD FOR YOU, BOB. 109 00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:09,777 I'M SO SORRY. 110 00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:13,381 - WELL, I KNEW PROPOSING WAS A LONG SHOT. 111 00:05:13,381 --> 00:05:14,382 I MEAN, I TALK A GOOD GAME, 112 00:05:14,382 --> 00:05:16,984 BUT I KNOW JOY'S OUT OF MY LEAGUE. 113 00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:19,787 I JUST THOUGHT THIS TIME I'D FOUND THE ONE. 114 00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:22,022 - OH. I'VE BEEN THERE. 115 00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:24,124 I-I'VE GOTTEN CLOSE A FEW TIMES. 116 00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:27,795 IT DIDN'T WORK OUT, AND IT--IT HURTS. 117 00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:30,864 BUT YOU ARE A SMART, FUNNY, WONDERFUL MAN. 118 00:05:30,898 --> 00:05:32,733 YOU'RE RIGHT. 119 00:05:32,766 --> 00:05:34,067 I AM HANDSOME. 120 00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:35,736 - YES. 121 00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:36,937 AND HANDSOME. 122 00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:39,239 AND THERE ARE SO MANY WOMEN OUT THERE 123 00:05:39,272 --> 00:05:42,410 WHO COULD EASILY FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU. 124 00:05:51,084 --> 00:05:52,420 OH, GOD. 125 00:05:52,420 --> 00:05:54,855 I HOPE THERE ARE NO MORE HIDDEN CAMERAS IN THIS HOUSE. 126 00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:08,235 - JOY. 127 00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:10,671 HAVE YOU MADE YOUR DECISION? 128 00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:12,773 - YES, SIMON. 129 00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:14,274 I WILL MARRY YOU. 130 00:06:14,307 --> 00:06:17,244 - JOY, MM, YOU'VE MADE ME SO HAPPY. 131 00:06:18,311 --> 00:06:20,448 - HELLO. - OH! 132 00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:24,084 WHO'S SHE? - OH, HER. 133 00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:25,719 UM, THIS IS-- 134 00:06:25,753 --> 00:06:27,721 UH, 135 00:06:27,755 --> 00:06:30,624 WE ARE SO GONNA LAUGH ABOUT THIS AT OUR 50th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY. 136 00:06:30,658 --> 00:06:33,326 THIS IS MY WIFE. 137 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:42,135 - YOUR WIFE? - THIS IS YESENIA. 138 00:06:42,169 --> 00:06:43,704 - HELLO. 139 00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,906 - WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? 140 00:06:45,939 --> 00:06:47,307 HOW COULD YOU PROPOSE TO ME 141 00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:49,276 AND NOT TELL ME YOU WERE ALREADY MARRIED? 142 00:06:49,309 --> 00:06:50,343 - WELL, I THOUGHT YOU WOULD SAY NO. 143 00:06:50,377 --> 00:06:52,012 - I WOULD HAVE SAID NO. - EXACTLY. 144 00:06:52,045 --> 00:06:54,682 YESENIA AND I ARE ONLY MARRIED IN THE LEGAL SENSE. 145 00:06:54,715 --> 00:06:57,585 WE'RE NOT MARRIED IN A SPIRITUAL SENSE OR A SEXUAL SENSE 146 00:06:57,618 --> 00:07:01,288 OR A PRETENDING-TO-LISTEN- TO-LONG-BORING-STORIES SENSE. 147 00:07:01,321 --> 00:07:03,256 - SIMON, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? 148 00:07:03,290 --> 00:07:05,493 - LOOK, I WAS FILMING THE CIVIL WAR IN HER COUNTRY. 149 00:07:05,493 --> 00:07:07,528 YESENIA WAS ALONE AND ABANDONED. 150 00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:09,563 THE REBELS WERE TAKING OVER THE CITY. 151 00:07:09,597 --> 00:07:12,065 THE ONLY WAY I COULD GET HER OUT OF THE COUNTRY WAS TO MARRY HER. 152 00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:13,501 - HE WAS SO KIND. 153 00:07:13,501 --> 00:07:15,302 HE TOOK ME, EVEN THOUGH IN MY COUNTRY 154 00:07:15,335 --> 00:07:17,805 I'M PAST THE AGE OF MARRIAGE AND NO MAN WOULD WANT ME. 155 00:07:17,838 --> 00:07:19,072 - HOW OLD ARE YOU? 156 00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:20,941 - 23. 157 00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:25,713 - YESENIA, COULD WE HAVE A MOMENT? 158 00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:29,883 LOOK, JOY, NOTHING HAS TO CHANGE. 159 00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:32,520 WE CAN STILL GET MARRIED, EVENTUALLY, 160 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:35,022 AS SOON AS YESENIA CAN STAY HERE LEGALLY. 161 00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:36,957 UNTIL THEN, JUST FOR IMMIGRATION, 162 00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:39,292 YOU HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE OUR MAID. 163 00:07:39,326 --> 00:07:41,529 - YOUR MAID?! - IT'S JUST A TITLE. 164 00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:44,598 WE'LL ALL PITCH IN TOGETHER. 165 00:07:44,632 --> 00:07:46,934 SO WE'RE GOOD? - NO! 166 00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:49,102 WHAT REALLY INFURIATES ME 167 00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:51,104 IS YOU DOING SOMETHING SO UTTERLY STUPID 168 00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:53,373 AND HUMANITARIAN 169 00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:55,543 THAT I CAN'T GET MAD WITHOUT FEELING LIKE A JERK. 170 00:07:55,543 --> 00:07:58,011 - THEN LET'S JUST MOVE PAST THE ANGER 171 00:07:58,045 --> 00:07:59,647 AND GO STRAIGHT TO THE MAKEUP SEX. 172 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:02,783 - MAKEUP SEX? SOUNDS WONDERFUL. 173 00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:05,318 SHOULD WE ASK YOUR SEXY, YOUNG WIFE TO JOIN US? 174 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,789 - I FEEL LIKE THAT'S A TRICK QUESTION. 175 00:08:10,257 --> 00:08:11,258 IT'S A JOKE! 176 00:08:14,094 --> 00:08:16,830 - OKAY, VICTORIA, YOU ARE THE QUEEN 177 00:08:16,864 --> 00:08:18,465 WAITING FOR THE REPUBLIC'S AMBASSADOR, 178 00:08:18,566 --> 00:08:20,167 PLAYED BY BRAD PITT, 179 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:22,302 WHO HAS JUST LANDED ON YOUR PLANET. 180 00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:25,706 - UH, ABOUT MY COSTUME-- 181 00:08:25,739 --> 00:08:28,475 - NO, NO, THAT'S JUST THE MOTION CAPTURE SUIT. 182 00:08:28,576 --> 00:08:30,611 YOUR CHARACTER WILL BE DIGITALLY RENDERED IN POST. 183 00:08:30,644 --> 00:08:31,945 ALL RIGHT? LET'S GET STARTED. 184 00:08:31,979 --> 00:08:34,014 - BUT BRAD ISN'T HERE YET. 185 00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:35,849 - OH, NO, MR. PITT'S NOT COMING TO NEW YORK. 186 00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:38,451 SEE, THE BEAUTY OF THESE SPECIAL EFFECTS IS, 187 00:08:38,485 --> 00:08:40,053 YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO BE IN THE SAME COUNTRY. 188 00:08:40,087 --> 00:08:42,623 - BUT I CAN'T FILM A LOVE SCENE WITHOUT MY LOVER. 189 00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:44,625 - VERN. 190 00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:49,462 - HE'S BRAD PITT? 191 00:08:49,496 --> 00:08:51,999 - NO, NO. 192 00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,634 THAT'S BRAD PITT. 193 00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:55,202 - A TENNIS BALL? 194 00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:57,237 - WE'LL CGI BRAD IN LATER. 195 00:08:57,270 --> 00:09:00,107 THIS TENNIS BALL REPRESENTS THE FUTURE OF YOUR RACE. 196 00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:01,942 NOW, MAKE LOVE TO IT. 197 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:07,615 - I FEEL SORRY FOR THE TENNIS BALL. 198 00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:10,283 - YOU WANT A CUPCAKE? THEY'RE FROM FILM NEW YORK. 199 00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:11,384 - WHAT'S THAT? 200 00:09:11,418 --> 00:09:12,953 - THAT'S THE CITY FILM COMMISSION. 201 00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:14,955 THE CITY GETS A COUPLE THOUSAND JOBS. 202 00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:17,357 WE GET TAX BREAKS. IT'S A WIN-WIN. 203 00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:21,128 - OH, A POLITICIAN THAT BRINGS IN THAT MANY JOBS 204 00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:25,398 COULD SURE SHUT UP A BRAGGY MAYOR. 205 00:09:25,432 --> 00:09:26,900 - WHO ARE YOU AGAIN? 206 00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:29,903 - ELKA OSTROVSKY. 207 00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:32,072 FILM CLEVELAND. 208 00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:35,876 - ALL RIGHT, AND ACTION! 209 00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:37,778 - OH, I LOVE YOU. 210 00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:39,880 KISS ME. 211 00:09:46,386 --> 00:09:47,387 VERN! 212 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,356 - CUT! 213 00:09:49,389 --> 00:09:50,691 VICTORIA, WHAT'S WRONG? 214 00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:52,425 - WHAT'S WRONG? 215 00:09:52,459 --> 00:09:55,228 I'M KISSING A TENNIS BALL. 216 00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:56,697 - MAYBE IT'LL HELP YOU GET INTO IT 217 00:09:56,730 --> 00:09:58,531 IF I CAN SHOW YOU THE MODEL OF YOUR CHARACTER. 218 00:09:58,565 --> 00:09:59,867 - OH, THAT WOULD BE GREAT. 219 00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:02,936 I WAS PICTURING A SEXY ZOE SALDANA TYPE, 220 00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:04,738 YOU KNOW, LIKE FROM AVATAR. 221 00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:05,773 - THIS IS YOU. 222 00:10:05,806 --> 00:10:07,941 PRETTY COOL, HUH? 223 00:10:07,975 --> 00:10:10,277 WE EVEN GAVE IT SOME OF YOUR FACIAL FEATURES 224 00:10:10,310 --> 00:10:13,246 SO PEOPLE WILL FOREVER ASSOCIATE YOU WITH THE CHARACTER. 225 00:10:14,314 --> 00:10:16,449 - MIRREN! 226 00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:23,390 - IS THAT A DIARY? 227 00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:25,893 - DIARIES ARE FOR GIRLS, MELANIE. 228 00:10:25,926 --> 00:10:27,027 THIS IS A JOURNAL. 229 00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:29,596 A SEX JOURNAL. 230 00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:31,699 I'VE KEPT TRACK OF EVERY CONQUEST 231 00:10:31,732 --> 00:10:35,068 SINCE I WAS A WIDE-EYED 24-YEAR-OLD. 232 00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:37,037 - YOU'RE ON PAGE THREE? 233 00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:41,241 - IT'S NOT NECESSARILY MY FIRST JOURNAL. 234 00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:43,610 - IT SAYS "VOLUME ONE" RIGHT THERE ON THE COVER. 235 00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:47,380 OH, WELL. 236 00:10:47,414 --> 00:10:48,749 I GET TWO THUMBS UP, HUH? 237 00:10:48,782 --> 00:10:52,419 - OH, THOSE ARE NOT THUMBS. 238 00:10:58,358 --> 00:11:00,828 - WHAT DOES "BPSE" MEAN? 239 00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:02,629 - BEST PITY SEX EVER. 240 00:11:02,730 --> 00:11:05,833 - OH, BOB, YOU DON'T HAVE TO CALL IT PITY SEX. 241 00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:08,401 - HOW ELSE COULD I DESCRIBE IT? 242 00:11:08,435 --> 00:11:10,871 I FELT SORRY FOR YOU. 243 00:11:10,904 --> 00:11:12,339 - WAIT. 244 00:11:12,372 --> 00:11:15,242 YOU THINK YOU HAD PITY SEX WITH ME? 245 00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:17,144 NO, NO, NO. I HAD PITY SEX WITH YOU, 246 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,847 BECAUSE I FELT SORRY FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU CAN NEVER HAVE JOY. 247 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:21,648 - AND I PLAN TO CHANGE THAT. 248 00:11:21,749 --> 00:11:24,151 NOW MORE THAN EVER, I REALIZE THAT JOY IS THE ONE FOR ME. 249 00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:27,054 SEX WITH YOU CONFIRMED THAT. 250 00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:32,159 - WELL, MY AGENT CONFIRMED IT. 251 00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:34,161 MIRREN TRICKED ME INTO TAKING THAT MOVIE 252 00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:37,030 SO SHE COULD STEAL MY PART IN THAT HBO SERIES. 253 00:11:37,064 --> 00:11:40,033 - MY ADVICE, VICTORIA, IS TO LET IT GO. 254 00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:42,202 - YOU'RE RIGHT. 255 00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:45,072 NO, I SHOULD QUIT THE MOVIE, DESTROY MIRREN, 256 00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:47,207 AND TAKE BACK WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY MINE. 257 00:11:48,776 --> 00:11:50,944 I NEED SOMETHING UNDERHANDED AND DEVIOUS. 258 00:11:50,978 --> 00:11:54,281 OH, WWLD. 259 00:11:54,314 --> 00:11:56,449 WHAT WOULD LUCCI DO? 260 00:11:56,483 --> 00:11:57,851 I SHOULD CALL HER. 261 00:11:57,885 --> 00:12:00,187 - YOU'RE GONNA CALL YOUR OLDEST ENEMY? 262 00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:02,790 - FIRST OF ALL, MY OLDEST ENEMY IS TIME. 263 00:12:04,792 --> 00:12:06,960 AND SECOND, YOU KNOW THE SAYING, 264 00:12:06,994 --> 00:12:08,796 KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE 265 00:12:08,796 --> 00:12:10,864 AND YOUR ENEMY OF YOUR FRIEND 266 00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:13,666 AS CLOSE AS THE FRIEND OF YOUR ENEMY EVEN CLOSER. 267 00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:16,804 - THIS'LL CHEER YOU UP. 268 00:12:16,804 --> 00:12:19,840 EVERYONE IN TOWN LOVES MY FILM CLEVELAND PLAN. 269 00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:21,641 - WHY WOULD THAT CHEER ME UP? 270 00:12:21,674 --> 00:12:23,276 - BECAUSE YOU'RE THE SPOKESPERSON. 271 00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:25,145 - I DIDN'T AGREE TO THAT. 272 00:12:25,178 --> 00:12:27,380 - BUT IT'S A WIN-WIN. 273 00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:29,349 I BRING FILM JOBS TO CLEVELAND 274 00:12:29,382 --> 00:12:31,284 AND STICK IT TO THE MAYOR. 275 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:34,221 - AND WHAT DO I GET? 276 00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:37,891 - I SAID IT WAS WIN-WIN, NOT WIN-WIN-WIN. 277 00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:45,498 - SIMON'S ALREADY MARRIED. 278 00:12:45,532 --> 00:12:47,034 - MARRIED? - ARE YOU KIDDING? 279 00:12:47,067 --> 00:12:49,602 - THE WHOLE TIME HE WAS PROPOSING TO ME, 280 00:12:49,636 --> 00:12:51,738 HE WAS ALREADY MARRIED TO ANOTHER WOMAN. I HATE HIM! 281 00:12:51,839 --> 00:12:54,875 - THAT BASTARD. - SON OF A BITCH. 282 00:12:54,908 --> 00:12:56,709 - I CAN'T HATE HIM. 283 00:12:56,743 --> 00:12:58,578 THE WOMAN IS FROM A WAR-RAVAGED COUNTRY, 284 00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:00,447 AND HE MARRIED HER TO SAVE HER LIFE. 285 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,149 - OH, HE SAVED HER LIFE. - OH, THAT'S SO SWEET. 286 00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:04,051 - IT'S NOT SWEET! 287 00:13:04,084 --> 00:13:06,954 HE SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME FIRST, BUT HE JUST THINKS OF HIMSELF. 288 00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:09,022 - OH, WHO DOES THAT? - SO SELF-CENTERED. 289 00:13:09,056 --> 00:13:10,958 - NOT TOTALLY SELF-CENTERED. 290 00:13:10,991 --> 00:13:12,492 I JUST TOLD YOU, HE SAVED A LIFE. 291 00:13:12,525 --> 00:13:14,194 - OKAY, I'M CONFUSED. 292 00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:17,064 WHICH OPINION SHOULD WE ECHO AND PRETEND IS OUR OWN? 293 00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:21,768 - THIS MORNING I WAS GETTING MARRIED TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. 294 00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:25,405 AND NOW, THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IS MARRIED TO A HOT 23-YEAR-OLD, 295 00:13:25,438 --> 00:13:27,440 AND HE EXPECTS ME TO WAIT FOR HIM. 296 00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:28,876 I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. 297 00:13:28,876 --> 00:13:30,143 - JOY. 298 00:13:30,177 --> 00:13:32,045 - SIMON. - I LOVE YOU. 299 00:13:32,079 --> 00:13:34,281 - I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT. - I WANT TO MARRY YOU. 300 00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:35,615 - I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT EITHER. 301 00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:36,984 - I'M GETTING A DIVORCE. 302 00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:38,551 - I'M LISTENING. 303 00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:46,426 - I'LL START DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS RIGHT AWAY. 304 00:13:46,459 --> 00:13:48,661 IT'LL BE JUST THE TWO OF US, JUST YOU AND ME. 305 00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:50,130 - REALLY? - YES, REALLY. 306 00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:51,598 - TO THE BEDROOM, FUTURE WIFE! 307 00:13:51,631 --> 00:13:54,667 - OH, MY GOD! THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING. 308 00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:56,269 - YES, IT'S REALLY HAPPENING. 309 00:13:56,303 --> 00:13:57,304 TO THE BEDROOM! 310 00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,606 - OH, NO, WAIT. WHAT ABOUT YESENIA? 311 00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:02,242 - OH. OH, SHE'LL BE OKAY. 312 00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:04,744 I PROMISE. WE'LL FIGURE IT OUT SOMEHOW. 313 00:14:04,777 --> 00:14:06,980 TO THE BEDROOM! - YES! NO, WAIT. 314 00:14:07,014 --> 00:14:09,082 WHAT DO YOU MEAN "SOMEHOW"? 315 00:14:09,116 --> 00:14:11,551 - LOOK, JOY, AFTER YEARS AND YEARS APART, 316 00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:13,653 WE'RE FINALLY GETTING OUR HAPPILY EVER AFTER. 317 00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:15,956 CAN WE JUST ENJOY THE MOMENT? - YES. 318 00:14:17,457 --> 00:14:20,093 - HELLO. 319 00:14:20,127 --> 00:14:23,330 - YESENIA. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 320 00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:25,632 - UH, MAYBE PUT ME DOWN NOW. 321 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,069 - I'M SO SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT I'VE JUST HEARD 322 00:14:29,102 --> 00:14:30,537 THAT MY FATHER'S BEEN ARRESTED. 323 00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:32,539 I HAVE TO GO BACK HOME. 324 00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:34,707 IN MY COUNTRY, I CAN'T TRAVEL WITHOUT MY HUSBAND. 325 00:14:36,944 --> 00:14:39,412 - OF COURSE YOUR HUSBAND WILL GO WITH YOU. 326 00:14:39,446 --> 00:14:40,948 - OH, THANK YOU. 327 00:14:40,948 --> 00:14:42,983 - WOULD YOU EXCUSE US? 328 00:14:45,652 --> 00:14:46,753 - JOY. 329 00:14:46,786 --> 00:14:48,288 - IF YOU DON'T GO BACK TO HELP HER, 330 00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:51,058 YOU'LL HATE YOURSELF, AND I'LL HATE MYSELF. 331 00:14:51,091 --> 00:14:53,060 - LOOK, I'LL--I'LL GO AND I'LL COME BACK TO YOU 332 00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:55,095 AS SOON AS I CAN, AND THEN WE CAN BE TOGETHER. 333 00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:57,030 - OH, SIMON. 334 00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:01,568 - I'VE SAID THAT BEFORE, HAVEN'T I? 335 00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:04,371 - YES, YOU HAVE. 336 00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:06,439 MANY TIMES. 337 00:15:06,473 --> 00:15:08,508 IT'S YOUR PATTERN. 338 00:15:08,541 --> 00:15:10,610 YOU'RE IMPULSIVE AND UNPREDICTABLE. 339 00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:13,080 - AND YOU LOVE THAT ABOUT ME. 340 00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:15,048 - I DO. 341 00:15:15,082 --> 00:15:17,417 BUT I DON'T LOVE IT ABOUT US. 342 00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:19,719 IT'S ALWAYS VERY EXCITING, 343 00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:23,356 BUT IT'S NOT A RELATIONSHIP. 344 00:15:23,390 --> 00:15:26,193 - SO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? 345 00:15:26,226 --> 00:15:28,661 - I'M SAYING I CAN'T MARRY YOU. 346 00:15:30,197 --> 00:15:33,066 YOU'RE GREAT AT THE GRAND GESTURE. 347 00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:35,435 BUT RELATIONSHIPS ARE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS 348 00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:37,337 AFTER THE GRAND GESTURE. 349 00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:39,672 IT'S THE LITTLE EVERYDAY MOMENTS IN BETWEEN 350 00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:41,641 THAT MAKE UP A LIFE, 351 00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:44,377 AND THAT'S NOT YOU. 352 00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:48,115 - I CAN CHANGE. 353 00:15:50,583 --> 00:15:52,652 I'VE SAID THAT BEFORE, TOO, HAVEN'T I? 354 00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:55,022 - YES. 355 00:15:58,891 --> 00:16:01,861 - SO THIS IS IT? 356 00:16:01,894 --> 00:16:04,331 - WE HAVE A SON AND A GRANDSON TOGETHER. 357 00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:08,401 WE'LL ALWAYS BE IN EACH OTHER'S LIVES, AND... 358 00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:11,904 I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. 359 00:16:11,938 --> 00:16:14,041 - I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. 360 00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:17,744 GOOD-BYE, JOY. 361 00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:21,681 - GOOD-BYE, SIMON. 362 00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:58,351 - ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? - I THINK I AM. 363 00:16:58,385 --> 00:17:00,487 OR AT LEAST I WILL BE. 364 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,322 HE'LL ALWAYS BE MY FIRST LOVE, 365 00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:04,191 BUT I KNOW I MADE THE RIGHT DECISION. 366 00:17:04,224 --> 00:17:05,758 - OF COURSE YOU DID, SWEETIE. 367 00:17:05,792 --> 00:17:08,495 - YOU KNOW, IF SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAD HAPPENED IN MY 20s, 368 00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:10,830 I'D BE DEPRESSED AND IN BED FOR A MONTH. 369 00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:12,099 BUT NOW-- - IN YOUR 30s. 370 00:17:12,132 --> 00:17:16,103 - YES. SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS, 371 00:17:16,103 --> 00:17:17,704 I KNOW I'LL BE OKAY. 372 00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:21,308 IN SOME WAYS, I THINK YOU GUYS 373 00:17:21,341 --> 00:17:25,112 ARE THE LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP I WAS DESTINED FOR. 374 00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:27,614 - I WANT TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE. 375 00:17:32,952 --> 00:17:34,754 - GOOD, YOU'RE ALL HERE. 376 00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:36,889 JOY, I HAVE TWO THINGS TO TELL YOU, 377 00:17:36,923 --> 00:17:38,625 AND IT'S BEST THAT THERE ARE WITNESSES. 378 00:17:38,658 --> 00:17:41,128 FIRST, A CONFESSION. 379 00:17:41,128 --> 00:17:43,696 WHEN MELANIE TOLD ME THE NEWS, SHE WAS SO SAD 380 00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:46,833 THAT I MADE LOVE TO HER OUT OF PITY. 381 00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:50,270 - I PITIED YOU! 382 00:17:50,303 --> 00:17:52,505 - SAYS THE SINGLE, MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN 383 00:17:52,539 --> 00:17:54,241 TO THE SUCCESSFUL BACHELOR. 384 00:17:57,444 --> 00:17:59,045 - WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS? 385 00:17:59,146 --> 00:18:00,713 - BECAUSE I NEVER WANT THERE TO BE ANYTHING 386 00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:03,983 BUT ABSOLUTE HONESTY BETWEEN US, JOY. 387 00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:05,852 AND SECONDLY, NOW THAT I'M DONE 388 00:18:05,885 --> 00:18:07,887 COMFORTING MELANIE... 389 00:18:09,055 --> 00:18:11,258 I'LL BE DEVOTING MYSELF SOLELY TO YOU 390 00:18:11,291 --> 00:18:14,026 BECAUSE SOME DAY SIMON WILL SLIP UP, 391 00:18:14,060 --> 00:18:15,895 AND ON THAT DAY, 392 00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:17,197 I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU. 393 00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:18,865 - SHE JUST DUMPED SIMON. 394 00:18:18,898 --> 00:18:20,633 - THEN AS FIRST RUNNER-UP, 395 00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:22,835 I GUESS I'LL BE ASSUMING HIS DUTIES. 396 00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:27,340 - NO, YOU DON'T GET TO AUTOMATICALLY MARRY JOY 397 00:18:27,374 --> 00:18:29,008 JUST BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T CHOOSE SIMON. 398 00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:31,511 - YOU KNOW, I FIND IT SAD THAT MOST AMERICANS 399 00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:33,980 DON'T EVEN KNOW THEIR OWN LAWS. 400 00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:38,451 - YOU'RE VERY SWEET, BOB, 401 00:18:38,485 --> 00:18:40,520 BUT I'M NOT REALLY LOOKING FOR ANY HUSBAND RIGHT NOW. 402 00:18:40,553 --> 00:18:43,356 - I GET IT. AND THAT'S SMART. 403 00:18:43,390 --> 00:18:45,192 THROW YOURSELF INTO YOUR WORK. 404 00:18:45,192 --> 00:18:47,560 - AND WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU? 405 00:18:47,594 --> 00:18:50,297 - OH, I'LL SEE YOU AT WORK. 406 00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:52,832 I BOUGHT BACK THE DETECTIVE AGENCY FROM MITCH. 407 00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:55,101 HE REALLY HATES YOU. 408 00:18:56,569 --> 00:18:59,105 - YOU TWO WORKING TOGETHER, WON'T THAT BE AWKWARD? 409 00:18:59,206 --> 00:19:00,807 - AT FIRST. 410 00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:03,009 BUT THEN IT'LL TURN TO MILD DISCOMFORT, 411 00:19:03,042 --> 00:19:05,478 THEN TO AMUSED TOLERANCE, 412 00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:08,615 AND NATURALLY, TO LOVE. 413 00:19:11,017 --> 00:19:12,985 AND, MELANIE, I KNOW YOU'RE HURTING RIGHT NOW-- 414 00:19:13,019 --> 00:19:15,222 - OKAY, YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW. - THAT'S RIGHT, MELANIE, 415 00:19:15,255 --> 00:19:17,424 YOU BE STRONG. YOU HIDE YOUR PAIN, MELANIE. 416 00:19:25,131 --> 00:19:27,600 - OH, MY GOD. - WHAT? 417 00:19:27,634 --> 00:19:30,069 - HELEN MIRREN WAS IN A FREAK ACCIDENT IN LONDON. 418 00:19:30,102 --> 00:19:33,506 SOMEONE PUSHED HER INTO THE THAMES. 419 00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:35,908 - THE INCIDENT WAS CAPTURED ON CAMERA 420 00:19:35,942 --> 00:19:38,077 BY CCTV. 421 00:19:38,110 --> 00:19:39,612 - OH, DEAR. 422 00:19:41,748 --> 00:19:44,551 - DOCTORS SAY MIRREN IS UNHARMED 423 00:19:44,584 --> 00:19:46,986 BUT, SHAKEN BY THE INCIDENT, HAS OPTED OUT 424 00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:49,289 OF HER FORTHCOMING HBO SERIES. 425 00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:51,891 - SOMEONE PUSHED HER INTO THE RIVER! 426 00:19:51,924 --> 00:19:53,560 WHO WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT? 427 00:19:53,593 --> 00:19:56,829 - I HAVE A MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE! 428 00:19:58,431 --> 00:20:00,032 - DOES IT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT 429 00:20:00,066 --> 00:20:01,501 THAT YOU'RE CARRYING A HARRODS BAG 430 00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,069 AND HELEN MIRREN JUST FELL INTO THE THAMES? 431 00:20:03,102 --> 00:20:05,071 - IT DOES. 432 00:20:05,104 --> 00:20:06,806 I GOT MY HBO PART BACK. 433 00:20:06,839 --> 00:20:08,508 I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU ABOUT THE PLAN, 434 00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:10,109 BUT LUCCI WANTED TO KEEP IT A SECRET. 435 00:20:10,142 --> 00:20:12,312 OH, LOOK, 436 00:20:12,345 --> 00:20:15,047 THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT IT ON TV. OH, TURN IT UP. 437 00:20:15,081 --> 00:20:17,049 - MIRREN WAS PULLED FROM THE THAMES 438 00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:19,352 BY AMERICAN ACTRESS SUSAN LUCCI. 439 00:20:21,654 --> 00:20:24,023 - WHAT? WHAT? THAT--THAT WASN'T PART OF THE PLAN. 440 00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:26,593 - A GRATEFUL MIRREN HAS PROMISED TO CAST LUCCI 441 00:20:26,626 --> 00:20:28,027 IN HER NEXT FILM 442 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:31,030 DIRECTED BY MARTIN SCORSESE. 443 00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:33,366 COULD AN OSCAR FOR LUCCI BE THE REWARD 444 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,268 FOR HER HEROIC ACT? 445 00:20:35,302 --> 00:20:37,604 - MIRREN! 446 00:20:37,637 --> 00:20:39,406 LUCCI! 447 00:20:39,439 --> 00:20:41,974 MIRUCCI! 448 00:20:50,817 --> 00:20:53,185 - * BA-BA, BA-BA 449 00:20:53,219 --> 00:20:55,154 * BA-BA, BA-BA 450 00:21:00,460 --> 00:21:02,895 * BA-BA, BA-BA 451 00:21:02,929 --> 00:21:04,931 * BA-BA, BA-BA 452 00:21:13,205 --> 00:21:15,174 * HEY! 32172

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