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1
00:00:09,077 --> 00:00:10,278
- HOT IN CLEVELAND
2
00:00:10,311 --> 00:00:12,546
IS RECORDED IN FRONT
OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.
3
00:00:12,580 --> 00:00:14,782
- GUESS WHAT MADONNA,
JAMIE LEE CURTIS, AND I
4
00:00:14,815 --> 00:00:15,783
HAVE IN COMMON.
5
00:00:15,816 --> 00:00:18,986
- SLEPT WITH WARREN BEATTY?
6
00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:21,555
- NO.
- PEAKED IN THE '80s?
7
00:00:21,589 --> 00:00:23,524
- NO, STOP GUESSING.
8
00:00:23,557 --> 00:00:24,625
WE'RE ALL CELEBRITIES
9
00:00:24,658 --> 00:00:26,494
WHO ARE ALSO
CHILDREN'S BOOK WRITERS.
10
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,362
- YOU'VE WRITTEN
A CHILDREN'S BOOK?
11
00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:31,865
- "HAVE WRITTEN," "WILL WRITE,"
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
12
00:00:31,899 --> 00:00:34,735
THE IMPORTANT THING IS,
WE'RE DOING THIS TOGETHER.
13
00:00:34,768 --> 00:00:36,837
- YOU WANT ME TO WORK
ON YOUR BOOK WITH YOU?
14
00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:38,506
- WORK WITH ME,
WORK INSTEAD OF ME,
15
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,641
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
16
00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:42,243
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M IN.
17
00:00:42,276 --> 00:00:44,345
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO WRITE
A CHILDREN'S BOOK.
18
00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:46,547
OH, I USED TO LOVE
MAKING UP STORIES FOR MY KIDS.
19
00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:48,048
- OH, ME TOO.
20
00:00:48,082 --> 00:00:50,184
MY FAVORITE WAS,
"MOMMY LOVED YOU
21
00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:51,452
"IN THE SCHOOL PLAY,
22
00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:52,520
"BUT YOU DIDN'T SEE ME
23
00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:55,923
BECAUSE I WAS
IN THE VERY LAST ROW."
24
00:00:55,956 --> 00:00:58,392
OH, I TOLD THAT ONE AGAIN
AND AGAIN.
25
00:00:58,426 --> 00:00:59,827
- OH, MY GOD.
26
00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:02,763
I JUST FOUND OUT MY SISTER'S
COMING TO CLEVELAND.
27
00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:04,332
- YOU HAVE A SISTER?
28
00:01:04,365 --> 00:01:06,134
- SHE'S BEEN A NUN
FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS.
29
00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:07,668
SHE'S NOTHING LIKE ME.
30
00:01:07,701 --> 00:01:11,339
- WELL, YOU BOTH SPEND
A LOT OF TIME ON YOUR KNEES.
31
00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:16,244
- ACTUALLY, SHE'S DECIDED
TO LEAVE THE CONVENT.
32
00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:18,746
- WOW, THAT'S GONNA BE
A BIG ADJUSTMENT FOR HER
33
00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:20,181
OUT IN THE REAL WORLD.
34
00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:21,682
- POOR, POOR JILL.
35
00:01:21,715 --> 00:01:23,184
SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN A BIT
OF A MESS.
36
00:01:23,217 --> 00:01:25,153
CLUMSY AND MOUSY,
37
00:01:25,186 --> 00:01:27,020
LOOKING TO HER BEAUTIFUL,
GLAMOROUS SISTER
38
00:01:27,054 --> 00:01:28,055
FOR PROTECTION.
39
00:01:28,156 --> 00:01:29,557
- OH, THE BEAUTIFUL
AND GLAMOROUS
40
00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:32,760
DO BEAR A LOT
OF RESPONSIBILITY.
41
00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:35,296
- YOU KNOW, RESPONSIBILITY
WAS ACTUALLY THE THEME
42
00:01:35,329 --> 00:01:36,764
OF MY RADIO SHOW
YESTERDAY.
43
00:01:36,797 --> 00:01:38,466
DID ANYBODY HEAR IT?
- I DID.
44
00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:39,500
BUT YOU DIDN'T SEE ME
45
00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:42,203
BECAUSE I WAS
IN THE VERY LAST ROW.
46
00:01:45,539 --> 00:01:48,376
- AS YOUR ASSISTANT,
I'M RUNNING OUT OF EXCUSES
47
00:01:48,409 --> 00:01:50,811
FOR WHY YOU'RE NOT
AT CITY COUNCIL MEETINGS.
48
00:01:50,844 --> 00:01:52,780
- WHAT DID YOU TELL THEM TODAY?
49
00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:54,815
- THAT YOU WERE
ON A FACT-FINDING MISSION
50
00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:56,950
TO FIND THE BEST BEER
IN CLEVELAND.
51
00:01:56,984 --> 00:01:59,019
- WELL, YOU WEREN'T LYING.
52
00:02:01,822 --> 00:02:05,058
- WELL, EVERYONE'S EXCITED
ABOUT THE PARTY YOU'RE HOSTING
53
00:02:05,092 --> 00:02:07,261
FOR OUR SISTER CITY
IN ENGLAND,
54
00:02:07,295 --> 00:02:08,796
AND YOU KNOW
WHAT'S FASCINATING?
55
00:02:08,829 --> 00:02:11,932
OUR SISTER CITY
IS ALSO CALLED CLEVELAND.
56
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:14,302
- I DO KNOW
WHAT'S FASCINATING,
57
00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:17,505
AND THAT ISN'T IT.
58
00:02:17,538 --> 00:02:21,108
- NOW, THE GUEST OF HONOR
IS THE EARL OF CLEVELAND.
59
00:02:21,209 --> 00:02:22,743
WE NEED TO GO OVER PROTOCOL,
60
00:02:22,776 --> 00:02:26,414
SO YOU DON'T CREATE
ANOTHER INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT,
61
00:02:26,447 --> 00:02:29,082
LIKE YOU DID WITH
THAT GERMAN MAYOR LAST MONTH.
62
00:02:29,116 --> 00:02:32,119
- WHAT INCIDENT?
I WAS MAKING A JOKE.
63
00:02:32,220 --> 00:02:33,687
- YOU PUT A COMB
UNDER YOUR NOSE
64
00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:36,590
AND GOOSE-STEPPED
BEHIND HIM.
65
00:02:38,892 --> 00:02:43,130
- I MAY HAVE BEEN TESTING BEER
THAT DAY TOO.
66
00:02:45,733 --> 00:02:47,235
- ELKA, MAMIE SUE,
67
00:02:47,235 --> 00:02:51,138
THIS IS MY SISTER JILL.
68
00:02:51,239 --> 00:02:53,241
MAY WE?
- OF COURSE.
69
00:02:57,245 --> 00:03:00,414
- THIS IS FROM THAT GENTLEMAN
AT THE BAR.
70
00:03:00,448 --> 00:03:01,582
- WOW.
71
00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:03,851
MEN HAVE ALWAYS FOUND YOU
IRRESISTIBLE.
72
00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:07,921
- PROBABLY 'CAUSE
SHE DOESN'T RESIST.
73
00:03:07,955 --> 00:03:09,357
- ACTUALLY, GROWING UP,
74
00:03:09,390 --> 00:03:10,991
EVEN IF SHE WAS WITH A BOY
SHE LIKED,
75
00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:12,860
SHE'D ALWAYS LOOK OUT
FOR ME.
76
00:03:12,893 --> 00:03:14,328
BUT ANY TIME
I TOOK A TUMBLE,
77
00:03:14,362 --> 00:03:16,264
SHE'D BE RIGHT THERE
TO PICK ME UP,
78
00:03:16,264 --> 00:03:18,832
DUST ME OFF, AND SAY,
"ON YOUR FEET, CABBAGE,"
79
00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:20,601
AND THEN SHE'D PUNCH
WHOEVER LAUGHED AT ME
80
00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:22,703
IN THE THROAT.
81
00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:25,773
- MAY I ASK WHY YOU QUIT
BEING A NUN?
82
00:03:25,806 --> 00:03:27,808
IS IT BECAUSE
YOU'RE A FLIBBERTIGIBBET,
83
00:03:27,841 --> 00:03:32,713
A WILL-O'-THE-WISP,
A CLOWN?
84
00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:35,283
- I DIDN'T FEEL
I HAD THE CALLING ANYMORE,
85
00:03:35,283 --> 00:03:36,550
SO I LEFT.
86
00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:40,588
- I BET THAT RAISED
A LOT OF EYEBROW.
87
00:03:42,456 --> 00:03:46,059
WHAT?
AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES IT?
88
00:03:47,828 --> 00:03:50,498
- ELKA, THAT IS EXACTLY
THE KIND OF JOKE
89
00:03:50,531 --> 00:03:53,701
YOU CAN'T MAKE AT THE PARTY
FOR THE EARL OF CLEVELAND.
90
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:56,304
- THE EARL OF CLEVELAND
IS COMING HERE?
91
00:03:56,337 --> 00:03:59,573
PERCY LENNOX-GORDON.
- 47TH IN LINE TO THE THRONE.
92
00:03:59,607 --> 00:04:01,309
- WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME
TO THE PARTY
93
00:04:01,342 --> 00:04:02,310
WE'RE THROWING FOR HIM?
94
00:04:02,343 --> 00:04:04,412
- YES!
AND WHO KNOWS?
95
00:04:04,445 --> 00:04:06,314
MAYBE HE SEES ME.
I SEE HIM.
96
00:04:06,347 --> 00:04:07,515
ONE THING
LEADS TO ANOTHER,
97
00:04:07,548 --> 00:04:09,717
AND 46 UNFORTUNATE ACCIDENTS
LATER,
98
00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:12,786
I'M QUEEN OF ENGLAND.
99
00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:14,388
- I DON'T THINK
I WANT TO COME.
100
00:04:14,422 --> 00:04:15,889
I'M NOT VERY GOOD
AT PARTIES.
101
00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:18,225
- OH, POOR JILL.
102
00:04:18,326 --> 00:04:20,060
I'LL MAKE SURE
YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME.
103
00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:21,329
YOU CAN BORROW MY CLOTHES,
104
00:04:21,329 --> 00:04:24,965
AND MAYBE WE CAN TAKE CARE
OF SOME OF THIS TOO.
105
00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:27,234
- ELKA AND I ARE GOING
TO THE BEAUTY SALON.
106
00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:28,536
YOU CAN COME WITH US.
107
00:04:28,569 --> 00:04:30,103
- THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
108
00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:33,040
- I ALMOST BECAME A NUN,
109
00:04:33,073 --> 00:04:34,542
BUT THEN I LEARNED
THAT THOSE BIG HATS
110
00:04:34,575 --> 00:04:38,178
DON'T REALLY MAKE YOU FLY,
EVEN ON A REALLY WINDY DAY.
111
00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:43,016
AND I LIKED SEX
WITH MEN.
112
00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:48,889
- OKAY, EVEN THOUGH
IT'S A CHILDREN'S BOOK,
113
00:04:48,922 --> 00:04:50,190
THERE IS A LOT TO DO.
114
00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:51,792
ONCE WE COME UP
WITH OUR IDEA,
115
00:04:51,825 --> 00:04:53,361
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO
AN OUTLINE,
116
00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:54,762
FIRST DRAFT,
SECOND DRAFT,
117
00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:57,698
AND THEN WE SHOULD BE DONE
IN SIX MONTHS.
118
00:04:57,731 --> 00:05:00,934
- THAT'S GREAT.
IT'S DUE MONDAY.
119
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:02,436
- WHAT?
120
00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:04,004
- AND THE EDITOR'S
COMING BY TODAY
121
00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:05,238
TO SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT.
122
00:05:05,272 --> 00:05:07,007
- WHAT?
- DON'T ACT SURPRISED.
123
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:09,410
WE'VE HAD A WHOLE YEAR
TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING.
124
00:05:09,443 --> 00:05:11,211
- WHAT?
125
00:05:11,244 --> 00:05:12,813
YOU HAVE HAD A WHOLE YEAR?
126
00:05:12,846 --> 00:05:15,248
- NO, WE HAVE HAD A WHOLE YEAR.
127
00:05:15,282 --> 00:05:17,751
I TOLD HIM THAT I'VE HAD
A COLLABORATOR ALL THIS TIME,
128
00:05:17,785 --> 00:05:19,286
YOU KNOW,
TO PUT HIM AT EASE.
129
00:05:19,387 --> 00:05:22,890
HE THINKS THAT ACTORS ARE LAZY
AND UNRELIABLE.
130
00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:25,726
WHEN WILL
THAT STEREOTYPE END?
131
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:27,461
- IS JILL BACK
FROM HER MAKEOVER?
132
00:05:27,495 --> 00:05:29,963
- NO, NOT YET.
- POOR THING.
133
00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:31,999
HOPE SHE'S NOT EXPECTING
A MIRACLE.
134
00:05:37,971 --> 00:05:39,873
- HOW DO I LOOK?
- WHOA.
135
00:05:39,907 --> 00:05:41,609
- OH, MY GOODNESS.
JILL!
136
00:05:41,642 --> 00:05:44,945
- JOY, DEAR,
YOU'LL WANT TO SEE THIS.
137
00:05:47,415 --> 00:05:48,782
- HOLY...
138
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:01,695
- * BA-BA, BA-BA
139
00:06:01,729 --> 00:06:04,998
* BA-BA, BA-BA
140
00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:05,999
* HEY!
141
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,167
- HELLO, ALL.
142
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,102
- WHERE'S JOY?
- COMING!
143
00:06:12,606 --> 00:06:14,875
- OH, MY.
WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY?
144
00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:16,444
- OH, IT'S NOT BAD.
145
00:06:16,477 --> 00:06:18,579
JUST HAVE TO USE THIS
FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.
146
00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:20,814
- REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE KIDS
AND I'D FOLLOW YOU
147
00:06:20,848 --> 00:06:22,750
WHEREVER YOU WENT
ON MY SCOOTER?
148
00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:25,619
NOW YOU HAVE THE SCOOTER.
IT'S LIKE WE'VE SWAPPED PLACES.
149
00:06:25,653 --> 00:06:28,188
IT'S FUNNY, ISN'T IT?
150
00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:30,023
- YES, VERY FUNNY.
151
00:06:34,462 --> 00:06:36,697
- THAT'S NOT
YOUR NORMAL LAUGH.
152
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,198
- YES, IT IS.
153
00:06:45,172 --> 00:06:49,543
- NOW, ELKA, HERE'S A LIST
OF THE BRITISH DIGNITARIES.
154
00:06:49,577 --> 00:06:50,644
WHOA.
155
00:06:50,678 --> 00:06:53,013
THESE ARE SOME GOOFY NAMES.
156
00:06:53,046 --> 00:06:56,550
- ELKA, CLASS AND RANK
ARE INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT
157
00:06:56,584 --> 00:06:59,386
TO BRITISH NOBILITY.
158
00:06:59,487 --> 00:07:01,254
LET'S SAY
THERE'S A TORNADO,
159
00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:04,357
AND YOU'RE WITH A BARON
AND A GENTLEMAN OF THE GENTRY.
160
00:07:04,391 --> 00:07:06,627
WHO DO YOU BRING
TO THE STORM CELLAR?
161
00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:09,129
- THE BARON.
- CORRECT.
162
00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:11,732
HAVE YOU BEEN STUDYING?
163
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,033
- NO.
164
00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:15,235
I'M JUST NOT SPENDING A NIGHT
IN A BASEMENT
165
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,404
WITH A GENTLEMAN.
166
00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:23,243
- I'M SO NERVOUS.
167
00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:26,714
YOU KNOW, IN THE CONVENT,
FLIRTING WAS FROWNED UPON.
168
00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:30,183
ACTUALLY,
FROWNING WAS FROWNED UPON.
169
00:07:30,217 --> 00:07:33,921
- POOR JILL.
POOR, POOR JILL.
170
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,422
WHERE ARE OUR DRINKS?
171
00:07:35,523 --> 00:07:37,525
- I'LL GO CHECK.
172
00:07:40,528 --> 00:07:41,729
- HELLO.
173
00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:43,130
CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK?
174
00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:51,539
- WHAT THE--
175
00:07:51,572 --> 00:07:54,107
OH!
176
00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:58,311
OH, GOD!
IT'S FILTHY.
177
00:07:58,345 --> 00:08:00,648
- ALL THOSE MEN
WERE FIGHTING OVER
178
00:08:00,681 --> 00:08:02,816
WHO COULD BUY ME
A DRINK.
179
00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:05,085
OH, WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR EYE?
180
00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:07,821
- I GOT LEMON JUICE
AND GREASE IN IT.
181
00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:10,323
- OH, POOR JOY.
182
00:08:10,357 --> 00:08:13,226
POOR, POOR JOY.
183
00:08:20,668 --> 00:08:22,770
WONDERFUL EVENING.
184
00:08:22,803 --> 00:08:25,706
HAVE YOU EVER HAD FIVE MEN
BUY YOU DRINKS?
185
00:08:25,739 --> 00:08:29,577
- PLEASE, I'VE HAD SIX,
OFTEN SEVEN.
186
00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:34,848
JUST LET ME DO THE TALKING.
187
00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:38,251
I'VE FLIRTED MY WAY
OUT OF DOZENS OF TICKETS.
188
00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:47,060
WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM,
OFFICER?
189
00:08:47,094 --> 00:08:49,296
- YOUR BLINKER'S BEEN ON
FOR THE LAST 5 MILES.
190
00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:51,031
- I'M SORRY, OFFICER.
191
00:08:51,064 --> 00:08:52,432
WE'RE TRYING TO GET
TO THE HOSPITAL
192
00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:53,634
FOR MY POOR SISTER'S EYE.
193
00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:55,803
- WOW, YOU HAVE
A BEAUTIFUL ACCENT.
194
00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:59,607
- OH.
- WE HAVE THE EXACT SAME ACCENT.
195
00:08:59,607 --> 00:09:01,474
- WOULD YOU LIKE AN ESCORT
TO THE HOSPITAL?
196
00:09:01,508 --> 00:09:02,776
- NO, WE'RE FINE.
197
00:09:02,810 --> 00:09:05,078
WE HAVE
AN EXCELLENT NAVIGATION SYSTEM.
198
00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:06,780
- I'LL LET YOU GO
WITH A WARNING,
199
00:09:06,814 --> 00:09:08,616
BUT DRIVE SAFE, OKAY?
200
00:09:08,616 --> 00:09:11,819
YOU'RE CARRYING
PRECIOUS CARGO.
201
00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:19,292
DID I JUST FLIRT MY WAY
OUT OF YOUR TICKET?
202
00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:23,096
- THRILLING.
203
00:09:23,130 --> 00:09:24,932
- YOU DON'T SEEM
VERY HAPPY FOR ME.
204
00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:26,333
- OF COURSE I AM,
205
00:09:26,366 --> 00:09:28,669
ALTHOUGH,
THINKING ABOUT IT,
206
00:09:28,702 --> 00:09:30,738
BEING HOT
ISN'T FOR EVERYONE,
207
00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:33,140
WHICH MAKES ME WONDER
IF, ON SOME LEVEL,
208
00:09:33,173 --> 00:09:35,508
YOU WOULDN'T BE HAPPIER
BACK IN THE CONVENT.
209
00:09:35,542 --> 00:09:37,778
- BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK
TO THE CONVENT.
210
00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:38,812
I'M HAVING FUN.
211
00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:42,115
- MAYBE, BUT IT
DOESN'T SUIT YOU.
212
00:09:42,149 --> 00:09:45,485
- OH, MY GOODNESS,
YOU'RE JEALOUS
213
00:09:45,518 --> 00:09:49,489
'CAUSE I'M BLOSSOMING
AND YOU'RE WILTING.
214
00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:51,224
YOU JUST CAN'T STAND
THE IDEA
215
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:53,861
OF NOT BEING THE PRETTIEST WOMAN
IN THE ROOM.
216
00:09:53,894 --> 00:09:55,195
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
217
00:09:55,228 --> 00:09:57,831
YOU'RE NOT EVEN
THE PRETTIEST WOMAN IN THIS CAR.
218
00:09:57,865 --> 00:10:02,135
- THAT COULDN'T BE FURTHER
FROM THE TRUTH!
219
00:10:08,075 --> 00:10:09,276
- OKAY, LOOK, THE EDITOR'S
GONNA BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
220
00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:10,543
WE STILL DON'T HAVE AN IDEA
FOR THIS BOOK.
221
00:10:10,577 --> 00:10:12,512
- DON'T PANIC.
MAYBE HE'LL BE LATE.
222
00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:15,082
OH, MY GOD, HE'S NOT LATE.
223
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:16,483
AND THE ADVANCE HE GAVE US
WAS HUGE,
224
00:10:16,516 --> 00:10:17,751
AND WE'VE ALREADY
SPENT IT.
225
00:10:17,785 --> 00:10:19,687
- WHAT?
I DIDN'T GET ANY MONEY.
226
00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:21,521
- YOU'VE ONLY BEEN WORKING HERE
A DAY.
227
00:10:21,554 --> 00:10:23,390
DON'T GET GREEDY.
228
00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:27,027
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'LL STALL HIM.
229
00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:29,062
ANDERSON, HOW LOVELY
TO SEE YOU.
230
00:10:29,096 --> 00:10:30,798
THIS IS MY COLLABORATOR,
MELANIE.
231
00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:32,432
- HELLO.
- LISTEN.
232
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:33,934
WE COULD DO
THAT WHOLE DANCE,
233
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:36,569
BUT LET ME JUST BOTTOM-LINE THIS
FOR YOU.
234
00:10:36,603 --> 00:10:37,938
MELANIE AND I JUST NEED
A LITTLE--
235
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:40,107
- VICTORIA,
YOU BETTER NOT BE ASKING
236
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:41,374
FOR ANOTHER EXTENSION.
237
00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:43,777
YOU AND MELANIE
HAVE HAD TWO YEARS.
238
00:10:43,811 --> 00:10:46,146
- TWO?
239
00:10:46,179 --> 00:10:49,216
- EXTENSION, NO.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
240
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:51,284
DELAY THIS IDEA
THAT IS GOING TO CHANGE
241
00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:53,286
CHILDREN'S LITERATURE
FOREVER?
242
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,655
IF ANYTHING,
WE NEED LESS TIME.
243
00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:57,424
- FANTASTIC.
244
00:10:57,457 --> 00:10:59,059
I WANT TO HEAR IT
AFTER I TAKE THIS.
245
00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:00,560
IS THERE A PLACE I CAN--
- OH, YES.
246
00:11:00,728 --> 00:11:01,862
RIGHT DOWN HERE.
247
00:11:01,895 --> 00:11:04,164
JUST TAKE YOUR TIME,
AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT,
248
00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:05,598
YOU MIGHT WANT
TO TIGHTEN YOUR SOCKS,
249
00:11:05,632 --> 00:11:07,735
BECAUSE THEY'RE ABOUT TO GET
KNOCKED OFF.
250
00:11:09,236 --> 00:11:11,404
- WHY DID YOU TELL HIM
THAT WE HAVE A GREAT IDEA?
251
00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:12,605
HONEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK,
252
00:11:12,639 --> 00:11:14,074
ONE'S JUST GONNA WALK
IN THE FRONT DOOR?
253
00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:15,308
- AND NOW,
THANKS TO YOU,
254
00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:19,446
I HAVE TO WEAR
THIS STUPID EYE PATCH.
255
00:11:19,479 --> 00:11:21,548
- IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
FACE IT.
256
00:11:21,581 --> 00:11:23,050
YOU LIKED ME
WHEN I WAS MOUSY,
257
00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:25,552
AND NOW THAT THAT'S CHANGED,
YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT.
258
00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:26,820
- NONSENSE!
259
00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:29,022
ALL I'VE EVER BEEN
IS A PROTECTIVE BIG SISTER.
260
00:11:29,056 --> 00:11:31,491
- THEN HOW COME WHEN YOU HAD
AN EYEBROW-WAXING BUSINESS,
261
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,761
YOU NEVER GOT RID
OF MY UNIBROW?
262
00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:35,162
- WHY WOULD YOU WANT ME TO?
263
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:37,030
SO YOU COULD BE SEXY
FOR GOD?
264
00:11:37,064 --> 00:11:39,066
THAT'S SICK.
265
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,437
- SO TELL ME THE IDEA.
266
00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:46,774
- IT'S A STORY
ABOUT TWO SISTERS,
267
00:11:46,774 --> 00:11:48,776
JOY AND JILL.
268
00:11:48,776 --> 00:11:52,145
ONE WAS MOUSY
HER WHOLE LIFE
269
00:11:52,179 --> 00:11:54,347
BECAUSE SHE WAS A MOUSE.
270
00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:55,615
- AH!
271
00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:57,117
THEY'RE BOTH MICE,
272
00:11:57,150 --> 00:11:59,052
AND THE OTHER MOUSE
WAS ALWAYS THE BEAUTIFUL ONE.
273
00:11:59,086 --> 00:12:02,489
- RIGHT, BUT THEN,
THEY SWITCHED.
274
00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:04,057
- SOUNDS INTERESTING.
275
00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:08,228
YOU KNOW, MICE DO WELL
IN FOCUS GROUPS.
276
00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:09,830
- MELANIE AND I ARE ARTISTS.
277
00:12:09,863 --> 00:12:11,598
WE DON'T CATER
TO FOCUS GROUPS.
278
00:12:11,631 --> 00:12:13,133
- AND HOW DOES
YOUR STORY END?
279
00:12:13,166 --> 00:12:18,671
- WELL, WHAT KIND OF ENDINGS
DO FOCUS GROUPS LIKE?
280
00:12:18,705 --> 00:12:22,109
- THE KIND THAT ARE IN MY HAND
BY MONDAY.
281
00:12:22,142 --> 00:12:25,578
- THEN YOU WILL HAVE IT
BY SUNDAY.
282
00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:30,717
- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
283
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:35,856
- I'M READY.
HOW DO I LOOK?
284
00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:38,525
- OH, YOU'LL BE
THE PRETTIEST MOUSE AT THE BALL.
285
00:12:38,558 --> 00:12:39,827
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MOUSE?
286
00:12:39,827 --> 00:12:40,961
- UH, NOTHING.
287
00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:45,365
- SOUNDS LIKE
ELKA'S READY TO GO.
288
00:12:45,398 --> 00:12:46,666
DO YOU NEED A LIFT?
- NO, NO, NO.
289
00:12:46,699 --> 00:12:48,836
WE'RE GONNA WAIT FOR JOY.
YOU GO AHEAD WITHOUT US.
290
00:12:51,338 --> 00:12:54,307
- SO THE NEWLY BEAUTIFUL MOUSE
HEADED OFF TO THE BALL.
291
00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:56,109
- IT'S ALMOST TOO EASY.
292
00:12:56,143 --> 00:12:58,879
- NOW, WHAT'S OUR ENDING?
293
00:12:58,912 --> 00:13:01,181
- WE'LL FIND OUT AT THE BALL.
THE EARL IS THERE.
294
00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:02,682
THE TWO SISTERS
WILL VIE FOR HIM,
295
00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:05,986
AND THEN WHATEVER HAPPENS,
THAT'S THE ENDING TO OUR BOOK.
296
00:13:06,019 --> 00:13:07,988
- I'M NOT GOING.
both: WHAT?
297
00:13:08,021 --> 00:13:09,189
- NO.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
298
00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:10,290
YOU CAN'T LET
A LITTLE THING
299
00:13:10,323 --> 00:13:13,894
LIKE A SCOOTER AND AN EYE PATCH
STOP YOU.
300
00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:16,263
- HOW ABOUT THIS?
301
00:13:18,866 --> 00:13:20,167
I KNOCKED MY CROWN OUT
302
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,435
TRYING TO OPEN
MY EYE DROPS BOTTLE.
303
00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:26,173
- YOU CANNOT GIVE UP.
304
00:13:26,206 --> 00:13:27,941
- THIS WOULD BE
A TERRIBLE ENDING.
305
00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:30,177
WHERE WOULD CINDERELLA BE
IF SHE'D STAYED HOME
306
00:13:30,210 --> 00:13:31,578
AND FELT SORRY
FOR HERSELF
307
00:13:31,611 --> 00:13:33,881
WHEN HER SISTER
WAS OFF HAVING FUN AT THE BALL?
308
00:13:33,914 --> 00:13:36,884
- LOOK AT ME.
I'M HARDLY CINDERELLA.
309
00:13:40,587 --> 00:13:44,057
- VICTORIA, SHE'S RIGHT.
310
00:13:44,091 --> 00:13:46,359
JILL IS THE ONE
THAT GOT BEAUTIFUL.
311
00:13:46,393 --> 00:13:49,262
- OH, THAT'S TRUE.
YOU'VE HAD YOUR TIME.
312
00:13:49,296 --> 00:13:50,563
JILL'S CINDERELLA NOW.
313
00:13:50,597 --> 00:13:51,798
- SHUT UP!
314
00:13:51,899 --> 00:13:54,367
I'M CINDERELLA,
AND I'M GOING TO THE BALL.
315
00:13:54,401 --> 00:13:55,903
I JUST NEED YOU TO HELP ME
316
00:13:55,903 --> 00:13:57,670
LOOK PRETTY ENOUGH
TO CAPTURE A NOBLEMAN.
317
00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:03,176
- NO PROBLEM.
318
00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:06,046
THIS IS GONNA BE HARDER
THAN WRITING THE BOOK.
319
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:13,286
- THE EARL OF CLEVELAND
IS GOING TO BE HERE ANY SECOND.
320
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:16,323
I HOPE YOU MEMORIZED THE NAMES
OF THE DIGNITARIES.
321
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:17,324
- OH, DON'T WORRY.
322
00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:20,793
I MADE A CHEAT SHEET.
323
00:14:20,827 --> 00:14:22,462
OH, NO.
- WHAT?
324
00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:26,066
- THESE ARE
MY FOOTBALL PICKS.
325
00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:28,168
- ELKA, WHAT WERE
YOU THINKING?
326
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:31,738
- I KNOW.
RAVENS PLUS THREE?
327
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:35,508
- HERE THEY COME.
328
00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:37,744
- OH, I'M SCREWED.
- DON'T PANIC.
329
00:14:37,777 --> 00:14:40,413
THE EARL HAS TO INTRODUCE
HIS PEOPLE TO YOU.
330
00:14:40,447 --> 00:14:43,316
JUST PAY ATTENTION
AND REPEAT WHAT HE SAYS.
331
00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:45,752
- COUNCILWOMAN OSTROVSKY,
A PLEASURE.
332
00:14:45,785 --> 00:14:47,787
THE MEMBERS OF MY PARTY:
333
00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:49,789
CHIEF MAGISTRATE
MARTIN PORTREEVE,
334
00:14:49,822 --> 00:14:51,959
LIEUTENANT COLONEL
RODSON HEATHCOTE-DRUMMOND,
335
00:14:51,959 --> 00:14:53,593
THE HONORABLE
MARTIN GLED-HEWESON,
336
00:14:53,626 --> 00:14:54,962
BISHOP OF LICHFIELD,
337
00:14:54,962 --> 00:14:59,232
LORD KEEPER OF THE PRIVY SEAL
LEMONDE OSWOLF-STICKET.
338
00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:11,444
- EVERYONE, PLEASE WELCOME
THE EARL OF CLEVELAND.
339
00:15:13,213 --> 00:15:19,119
AND WITH HIM
PLAIDSY,
340
00:15:19,152 --> 00:15:21,788
WAR MAN,
341
00:15:21,821 --> 00:15:25,092
CHURCHIE, AND...
342
00:15:25,125 --> 00:15:27,394
LEMONY SNICKET.
343
00:15:37,837 --> 00:15:39,706
I BELIEVE WE'RE GOING
TO HAVE GREAT FUN
344
00:15:39,739 --> 00:15:40,707
DOING BUSINESS TOGETHER.
345
00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:44,277
GENTLEMEN, PLEASE.
346
00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:47,014
- YOU DID IT, ELKA.
YOU'RE A HERO.
347
00:15:47,014 --> 00:15:49,616
- OH, SAVE IT
FOR THE REAL HEROES,
348
00:15:49,649 --> 00:15:53,286
THE RAVENS,
IF THEY COVER THE SPREAD.
349
00:15:55,588 --> 00:15:57,090
- OH, YOU LOOK
SO BEAUTIFUL.
350
00:15:57,124 --> 00:15:59,026
YOUR EYE PATCH
MATCHES YOUR GOWN.
351
00:15:59,026 --> 00:16:01,594
YOUR GOWN COVERS THE WHEELS
ON YOUR ORTHOPEDIC BOOT,
352
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:03,496
AND THE SUPER GLUE
IS HOLDING PERFECTLY
353
00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:05,032
ON YOUR DEAD TOOTH.
354
00:16:05,065 --> 00:16:08,801
- I FEEL SO GLAMOROUS.
355
00:16:08,835 --> 00:16:11,738
DAMN IT.
JILL'S ALREADY WITH THE EARL.
356
00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:12,739
LOOK AT HER OVER THERE,
357
00:16:12,772 --> 00:16:16,209
SHAMELESSLY FLIRTING WITH HIM.
358
00:16:16,243 --> 00:16:17,710
MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GO HOME.
359
00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:19,812
- NO, YOU CAN'T.
THAT'S QUITTER TALK.
360
00:16:19,846 --> 00:16:21,048
IF YOU DON'T
GO DOWN FIGHTING,
361
00:16:21,048 --> 00:16:22,182
WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR US?
362
00:16:22,215 --> 00:16:26,086
WHO LOOK UP TO YOU.
363
00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:27,387
- WHAT'S THE USE?
364
00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:28,821
LOOK, HE'S ALREADY
INTERESTED IN--
365
00:16:34,061 --> 00:16:35,062
HELLO.
366
00:16:35,062 --> 00:16:37,130
- YOU MOVE LIKE AN ANGEL,
367
00:16:37,164 --> 00:16:39,432
AS IF YOU WERE FLOATING
ACROSS THE ROOM.
368
00:16:39,466 --> 00:16:43,170
- THANK YOU FOR REMARKING
ON MY GRACE, YOUR GRACE.
369
00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:45,972
- AH.
BELUGA, MY FAVORITE.
370
00:16:46,073 --> 00:16:48,508
- I SIMPLY ADORE BELUGA.
- I ADORE IT MORE.
371
00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:49,976
MM-HMM.
372
00:16:51,811 --> 00:16:55,082
DELICIOUS.
373
00:16:55,115 --> 00:16:57,984
- POOR CHILD,
HAVE YOU NEVER HAD CAVIAR?
374
00:16:58,085 --> 00:17:00,487
YOU MUST BE SO SHELTERED
AND NAIVE.
375
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,555
- WELL, I'M CERTAINLY
NOT AS WORLDLY
376
00:17:02,589 --> 00:17:04,257
AND EXPERIENCED
AS SOME.
377
00:17:04,291 --> 00:17:05,992
PERHAPS THE EARL WOULD LIKE
TO HEAR A STORY
378
00:17:06,093 --> 00:17:07,727
OF A WOMAN WHO'S BEEN RIDDEN
BY MORE MEN
379
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:09,862
THAN THE LONDON UNDERGROUND.
380
00:17:09,896 --> 00:17:13,733
- OR PERHAPS THE EARL WOULD LIKE
TO SEE A RECENT PHOTO
381
00:17:13,766 --> 00:17:17,104
OF A WOMAN
WITH A MUSTACHE.
382
00:17:17,137 --> 00:17:19,872
- I'M NOT SURE
THAT I WOULD, ACTUALLY.
383
00:17:19,906 --> 00:17:21,641
- WHO DO YOU WANT THE EARL
TO END UP WITH,
384
00:17:21,674 --> 00:17:23,276
JOY MOUSE
OR JILL MOUSE?
385
00:17:23,310 --> 00:17:24,877
- OF COURSE
I'M ROOTING FOR JOY.
386
00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:26,713
- WELL, OBVIOUSLY
I'M ROOTING FOR JOY TOO.
387
00:17:26,746 --> 00:17:29,116
- BUT IT'S GONNA BE JILL.
- TOTALLY.
388
00:17:29,116 --> 00:17:30,683
I MEAN, WE'RE WRITING
A CHILDREN'S BOOK,
389
00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:34,454
NOT HOW JOY MOUSE
GOT HER GROOVE BACK.
390
00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:38,558
- AND THEN I SAID, "MIDDLETON?
I THOUGHT YOU SAID WIMBLEDON."
391
00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:42,162
- REMINDS ME OF THE TIME
I WAS INVITED
392
00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:43,163
TO THE DUCHESS OF--
393
00:17:43,196 --> 00:17:44,164
OH.
394
00:17:44,197 --> 00:17:45,165
- WHAT?
395
00:17:45,198 --> 00:17:47,867
DO I HAVE SOMETHING
ON MY TOOTH?
396
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:50,737
- NO, QUITE THE OPPOSITE,
ACTUALLY.
397
00:17:50,770 --> 00:17:54,341
SEEMS YOU HAVE A TOOTH
ON YOUR SOMETHING.
398
00:17:54,374 --> 00:17:57,344
- OH.
EXCUSE ME, WON'T YOU?
399
00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:10,757
- GOODNESS.
400
00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:13,760
THAT WOMAN'S A BIT
OF A DISASTER, ISN'T SHE?
401
00:18:13,793 --> 00:18:16,596
PERHAPS YOU AND I
COULD GO SOMEWHERE
402
00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:18,431
A LITTLE MORE PRIVATE.
403
00:18:22,302 --> 00:18:23,536
I'D LOVE TO,
404
00:18:23,570 --> 00:18:25,772
BUT THAT DISASTER
IS MY SISTER,
405
00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:27,674
AND SHE NEEDS MY HELP.
406
00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:29,809
WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME?
407
00:18:29,842 --> 00:18:31,511
- HONEY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
- ARE YOU HURT?
408
00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:34,447
- I'M FINE,
JUST HIDEOUSLY EMBARRASSED.
409
00:18:34,481 --> 00:18:37,817
- LET ME HELP.
- JILL, WHAT ABOUT THE EARL?
410
00:18:37,850 --> 00:18:39,286
- YOU TOOK A TUMBLE.
411
00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:41,688
IT'S MY TURN TO PICK YOU UP
AND DUST YOU OFF.
412
00:18:41,721 --> 00:18:43,423
ON YOUR FEET,
CABBAGE.
413
00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:45,625
- SHE LOOKS LIKE
A PIRATE.
414
00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:47,760
ALL THAT'S MISSING
IS A PARROT ON HER SHOULDER.
415
00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:52,031
- ALL THAT'S MISSING
IS MY FIST IN YOUR THROAT.
416
00:18:52,064 --> 00:18:55,067
- JILL, THAT'S SO SWEET.
417
00:18:57,036 --> 00:18:59,539
- LET'S SAVE THE SMILES
TILL WE GET HOME, SHALL WE?
418
00:18:59,572 --> 00:19:02,275
- THANK YOU.
419
00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:04,611
- THERE'S THE END
OF OUR STORY:
420
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:06,613
THE SISTERS
CHOOSE EACH OTHER.
421
00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:09,882
- OH, I LOVE
THE WAY WE WRITE.
422
00:19:15,021 --> 00:19:16,956
- THANKS AGAIN
FOR LEAVING THE EARL FOR ME.
423
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:19,326
- OH, WELL,
THERE ARE DOZENS OF ROYALS,
424
00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:21,328
BUT I ONLY HAVE ONE SISTER,
425
00:19:21,361 --> 00:19:23,696
AND THERE'LL BE OTHER MEN.
426
00:19:23,730 --> 00:19:26,233
PLEASE TELL ME SEX
IS BETTER THAN CAVIAR.
427
00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:28,301
- THEY'RE BOTH BETTER
WITH VODKA.
428
00:19:33,773 --> 00:19:37,677
BUT IF I COULD OFFER A PIECE
OF BIG SISTER ADVICE,
429
00:19:37,710 --> 00:19:40,713
WHEN IT COMES TO MEN,
BE PATIENT.
430
00:19:40,747 --> 00:19:42,715
YOU MAY HAVE TO KISS
A LOT FROGS
431
00:19:42,749 --> 00:19:45,385
BEFORE YOU FIND
YOUR PRINCE.
432
00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:46,719
- PARDON ME.
433
00:19:46,753 --> 00:19:48,788
- OR NOT.
434
00:19:48,821 --> 00:19:51,791
- I BELIEVE YOU LEFT
YOUR BOOT WHEEL BEHIND.
435
00:19:51,824 --> 00:19:54,261
- OH, JOY,
IT'S LIKE CINDERELLA.
436
00:19:54,261 --> 00:19:57,697
- OH, SWEETIE,
I DON'T THINK HE'S HERE FOR ME.
437
00:19:57,730 --> 00:20:00,633
- YES, WHILE YOU'RE BOTH
EXTREMELY CHARMING WOMEN--
438
00:20:00,667 --> 00:20:04,271
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
- RIGHT.
439
00:20:04,304 --> 00:20:06,573
I THOUGHT IT WAS VERY LOVELY
THE WAY YOU LEFT THE PARTY EARLY
440
00:20:06,606 --> 00:20:07,674
TO TAKE CARE
OF YOUR SISTER,
441
00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:10,377
BUT I WANTED
TO GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER.
442
00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:15,147
WOULD YOU CONSIDER JOINING ME
FOR A DRINK?
443
00:20:15,181 --> 00:20:16,182
- I'D LOVE TO.
444
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:17,984
OOH, WOULD YOU GIVE ME
A MINUTE?
445
00:20:18,017 --> 00:20:20,387
I'LL MEET YOU BY THE CAR.
- OF COURSE.
446
00:20:22,021 --> 00:20:24,924
- 47TH IN LINE TO THE THRONE!
- YOU COULD BE QUEEN!
447
00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:26,192
- YOU COULD BE PIPPA!
448
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:27,427
- THEN WHAT ARE YOU
WAITING FOR?
449
00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:28,428
GO, HAVE FUN.
450
00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:39,138
POOR, POOR JOY.
451
00:20:45,878 --> 00:20:48,247
- * BA-BA, BA-BA
452
00:20:48,281 --> 00:20:50,550
* BA-BA, BA-BA
453
00:20:55,522 --> 00:20:57,824
* BA-BA, BA-BA
454
00:20:57,857 --> 00:21:00,293
* BA-BA, BA-BA
455
00:21:08,568 --> 00:21:10,570
* HEY!
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