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[Jill]
Previously on Kidding...
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00:00:05,651 --> 00:00:07,150
[Conan] Our next guest
is celebrating
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00:00:07,234 --> 00:00:09,901
his 30th anniversary
in children's television.
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00:00:09,984 --> 00:00:12,359
I had a son named Phil.
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00:00:12,442 --> 00:00:13,693
He died.
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00:00:13,776 --> 00:00:16,109
Will, we're finally
getting new neighbors.
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00:00:16,192 --> 00:00:18,943
If Jill finds out you bought
the house next to her,
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00:00:19,025 --> 00:00:20,442
she'll take Will and leave.
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00:00:20,526 --> 00:00:21,818
[Jeff] I saw Jill
hugging another man.
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00:00:21,901 --> 00:00:23,275
[Seb]
You mean fucking.
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00:00:23,359 --> 00:00:25,609
Please don't use a bad word
when you can use a good word.
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00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:27,317
Are you and Dad
getting divorced?
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00:00:27,401 --> 00:00:28,984
No.
Why would you ask me that?
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00:00:29,067 --> 00:00:31,526
I think Scott might be gay.
15
00:00:31,609 --> 00:00:34,109
I need to know,
did you have sexual relations
16
00:00:34,192 --> 00:00:36,317
with the Japanese version
of your brother?
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00:00:36,401 --> 00:00:37,859
[Jill] I want you to know
that you can
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00:00:37,943 --> 00:00:39,526
come by the house
whenever you like.
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00:00:39,609 --> 00:00:41,150
[Jeff] Tonight?
We could go for a walk.
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00:00:41,234 --> 00:00:44,192
Will's smoking reefer
like a jazz musician.
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00:00:44,275 --> 00:00:46,984
You are breaking your father's
heart with this shit.
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00:00:47,067 --> 00:00:48,776
[Jeff] I have a tremendous
amount of pent-up anger.
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00:00:48,859 --> 00:00:50,025
And I know I dress
like a Mormon
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00:00:50,109 --> 00:00:51,901
and I talk like a monk,
25
00:00:51,984 --> 00:00:53,901
but inside,
I'm Mount St. Helens
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00:00:54,025 --> 00:00:58,025
and it's 1980 and I am magma
from the neck down.
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00:00:58,109 --> 00:00:59,401
[Peter] Thanks
for trusting me with Will.
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00:00:59,484 --> 00:01:00,943
You wanna smoke a joint?
29
00:01:01,025 --> 00:01:02,901
Do you think
your dad's gonna kill
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00:01:02,984 --> 00:01:04,609
- your mom's new boyfriend?
- [Will] No.
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00:01:04,693 --> 00:01:05,693
That wouldn't be nice.
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00:01:05,776 --> 00:01:08,025
[engine turning over]
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00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:11,025
♪ bright music ♪
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00:01:11,109 --> 00:01:16,109
♪♪♪
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00:01:23,192 --> 00:01:26,192
As long as I've known
the both of you,
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00:01:26,275 --> 00:01:28,067
I have enjoyed watching
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00:01:28,150 --> 00:01:32,693
your shared and selfless
language of kindness.
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00:01:32,776 --> 00:01:34,859
Yours is a chemistry
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00:01:34,943 --> 00:01:39,484
built on the mutual love
of love itself
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00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:40,984
and the knowledge
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00:01:41,067 --> 00:01:44,609
that each of you contains
the inner strength
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00:01:44,693 --> 00:01:47,442
to tackle every challenge
together.
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00:01:47,526 --> 00:01:49,025
[guests] Aw.
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00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:53,317
To borrow a tradition
I admire from another faith...
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[laughs lightly]
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00:01:57,693 --> 00:02:01,567
May your love last
as long as it takes
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00:02:01,651 --> 00:02:04,776
to put this glass
back together.
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00:02:04,859 --> 00:02:06,609
This part always felt
a little violent
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00:02:06,693 --> 00:02:08,526
for holy matrimony.
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00:02:08,609 --> 00:02:10,651
[laughter]
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00:02:12,818 --> 00:02:14,567
[exhales]
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00:02:14,651 --> 00:02:16,150
[sighs]
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00:02:20,192 --> 00:02:21,943
You have it in you.
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00:02:22,025 --> 00:02:23,693
I know it.
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00:02:23,776 --> 00:02:26,609
[whispering]
Go on, Jeff, smash it.
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00:02:26,693 --> 00:02:27,859
[exhales]
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00:02:27,943 --> 00:02:29,943
I love you...
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00:02:30,025 --> 00:02:31,526
Jill Piccirillo.
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00:02:31,609 --> 00:02:33,317
- [guests murmuring]
- [Jill] Gosh, I hope so,
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00:02:33,401 --> 00:02:34,943
after all that buildup.
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00:02:35,025 --> 00:02:37,901
[all chuckling]
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00:02:37,984 --> 00:02:38,526
- [thud]
- [glass shatters]
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00:02:38,609 --> 00:02:40,275
[Peter] Ooh!
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00:02:43,192 --> 00:02:45,025
[engine shuts off]
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00:02:45,109 --> 00:02:48,109
[dog barking distantly]
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00:02:53,859 --> 00:02:56,526
[cell phone ringing]
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00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:15,651
[shakily]
Hello?
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00:03:15,734 --> 00:03:19,317
[children]
♪ O, holy night ♪
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00:03:19,401 --> 00:03:21,693
♪ The stars are brightly ♪
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00:03:21,776 --> 00:03:24,776
♪ Shining ♪
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00:03:24,859 --> 00:03:27,317
♪ It is the night ♪
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00:03:27,401 --> 00:03:33,275
♪ Of our dear Savior's
birth ♪
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00:03:33,359 --> 00:03:37,317
- ♪ Long lay the world ♪
- [car door chiming]
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00:03:37,401 --> 00:03:42,734
♪ In sin
and error pining ♪
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00:03:42,818 --> 00:03:45,567
♪ Till He appeared ♪
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00:03:45,651 --> 00:03:50,734
♪ And the soul
felt its worth... ♪
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00:03:50,818 --> 00:03:53,192
[Bobby] Mr. Pickles,
this is Bobby Belongo
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00:03:53,275 --> 00:03:55,901
with the South Bend chapter
of the Pickles Platoon.
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00:03:55,984 --> 00:03:58,234
I've got a bunch
of rowdy Pickle Pals here
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00:03:58,317 --> 00:04:01,526
who wanted to serenade you
on Christmas Eve.
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00:04:01,609 --> 00:04:03,567
My goodness...
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00:04:03,651 --> 00:04:05,109
what talent.
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00:04:05,192 --> 00:04:06,693
[children]
♪ A new and glorious morn ♪
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00:04:06,776 --> 00:04:08,234
[Bobby] And this is Danny.
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00:04:08,317 --> 00:04:09,901
Danny earned the most
pickle points this year,
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00:04:09,984 --> 00:04:12,109
and as a reward, he gets
to wish you good yule tidings
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00:04:12,192 --> 00:04:13,943
all by himself.
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00:04:15,442 --> 00:04:17,984
[Danny] Merry Christmas,
Mr. Pickles.
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00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:20,859
Merry Christmas, Danny.
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00:04:20,943 --> 00:04:22,609
Have you been
a good boy this year?
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00:04:22,693 --> 00:04:25,651
[children] ♪ ...voices ♪
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00:04:25,734 --> 00:04:26,609
♪ O, night-- ♪
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00:04:26,693 --> 00:04:28,317
[knock at door]
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00:04:29,734 --> 00:04:30,818
[exhales]
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00:04:30,901 --> 00:04:34,150
[rapid knocking]
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00:04:36,776 --> 00:04:38,192
He was on drugs.
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00:04:38,275 --> 00:04:40,693
Peter?
[panting]
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00:04:40,776 --> 00:04:41,609
[whispering] Peter.
[louder] Peter.
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00:04:41,693 --> 00:04:43,067
I'll call 911.
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00:04:43,150 --> 00:04:44,442
- [touch-tones beeping]
- He's unresponsive.
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00:04:44,526 --> 00:04:47,067
- [line ringing]
- Cervical spine's intact.
102
00:04:47,150 --> 00:04:50,359
Multiple traumas to the chest
and abdomen--tell them!
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00:04:50,442 --> 00:04:52,776
How many traumas
is multiple traumas?
104
00:04:52,859 --> 00:04:54,651
- Are you okay?
- You talking to me?
105
00:04:54,734 --> 00:04:55,734
Jeff, you were
in a car accident.
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00:04:55,818 --> 00:04:56,901
Are you hurt?
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00:04:56,984 --> 00:04:58,776
No.
Thank you for asking.
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00:04:58,859 --> 00:05:00,651
[recording] Please stay
on the line.
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00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:02,859
Calls are answered in
the order they are received.
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00:05:02,943 --> 00:05:04,025
It's Christmas Eve.
You'll never get through.
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00:05:04,109 --> 00:05:05,693
- Is he dead?
- We need to put him
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00:05:05,776 --> 00:05:08,109
- on some kind of stretcher.
- [whispering] This my fault.
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00:05:08,192 --> 00:05:09,818
- I did this.
- He took an Ambien.
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00:05:09,901 --> 00:05:11,275
Who knows what he was
thinking?
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00:05:11,359 --> 00:05:12,109
He probably walked
right in front of you
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00:05:12,192 --> 00:05:13,484
and didn't even
realize it.
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00:05:13,567 --> 00:05:16,275
[muffled]
Jeff, Jeff! Jeff!
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00:05:16,359 --> 00:05:17,734
If he's not
on an operating table
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00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:20,109
in 20 minutes,
he is going to bleed out.
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00:05:20,192 --> 00:05:22,234
I need you.
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00:05:22,317 --> 00:05:23,818
Help me.
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00:05:26,234 --> 00:05:28,651
[inhales] Is my toboggan
still in the garage?
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00:05:28,734 --> 00:05:29,984
- ♪ hip-hop music ♪
- ♪ I'ma go, I'ma go ♪
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00:05:30,067 --> 00:05:31,734
♪ I'ma go, I'ma go get it,
yeah ♪
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00:05:31,818 --> 00:05:33,234
♪ I'ma go, I'ma go, I'ma go ♪
126
00:05:33,317 --> 00:05:35,401
♪ I'ma go, I'ma go get it,
yeah ♪
127
00:05:35,484 --> 00:05:36,984
♪ I'ma go, I'ma go, I'ma go ♪
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00:05:37,067 --> 00:05:39,192
♪ I'ma go, I'ma go get it,
yeah ♪
129
00:05:39,275 --> 00:05:40,526
♪ I'ma go, I'ma go, I'ma go ♪
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00:05:40,609 --> 00:05:42,734
♪ I'ma go, I'ma go get it,
yeah ♪
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00:05:42,818 --> 00:05:45,317
♪ I'ma go, I'ma go,
I'ma go, I'ma go... ♪
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00:05:45,401 --> 00:05:48,150
I think we should
see other people.
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00:05:48,234 --> 00:05:49,859
[sighs]
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00:05:51,401 --> 00:05:52,818
What else does he need?
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00:05:52,901 --> 00:05:54,943
He needs you to drive
as fast as humanly possible!
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00:05:55,025 --> 00:05:56,234
[door thuds shut]
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00:06:00,901 --> 00:06:02,317
Don't do drugs!
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00:06:02,401 --> 00:06:03,734
[objects clattering,
smashing]
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00:06:03,818 --> 00:06:05,025
[balloon sputters]
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00:06:05,109 --> 00:06:06,109
[engine turning over]
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00:06:06,192 --> 00:06:07,317
[tires squealing]
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00:06:07,401 --> 00:06:09,484
Hold on, Pete.
We're gonna get ya help!
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00:06:09,567 --> 00:06:10,734
Yeah, yeah--
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00:06:10,818 --> 00:06:11,984
- [glass shatters]
- [Jill screams]
145
00:06:12,067 --> 00:06:12,984
- [Jeff] No!
- [Jill shrieks]
146
00:06:15,734 --> 00:06:17,859
Oh, it's just Santa!
147
00:06:17,943 --> 00:06:19,484
- It's just Santa!
- Okay.
148
00:06:20,734 --> 00:06:22,734
- Oh!
- Um, uh, hold on.
149
00:06:22,818 --> 00:06:24,067
Just kick it!
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00:06:24,150 --> 00:06:25,234
- Kick it!
- [grunts]
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00:06:25,317 --> 00:06:26,401
[horn honking]
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00:06:26,484 --> 00:06:27,901
[Jeff] I'm gonna
call out the road,
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00:06:28,025 --> 00:06:29,109
and you're gonna repeat it
back, okay?
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00:06:29,192 --> 00:06:31,150
- Okay.
- Sharp left!
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00:06:31,234 --> 00:06:32,526
- Sharp left. Ah!
- [horn honking]
156
00:06:32,609 --> 00:06:33,901
- Gimme your hand!
- Huh?
157
00:06:33,984 --> 00:06:34,734
Gimme your hand.
Gimme your hand.
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00:06:34,818 --> 00:06:35,859
Huh? What?
159
00:06:35,943 --> 00:06:36,734
Keep your fingers
gently on his neck.
160
00:06:36,818 --> 00:06:38,025
I need you to register
his pulse
161
00:06:38,109 --> 00:06:38,943
so I can keep putting
pressure on the bleeding.
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00:06:39,025 --> 00:06:40,109
- Pothole!
- Pothole! Ow!
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00:06:40,192 --> 00:06:41,442
If you don't feel a pulse,
164
00:06:41,526 --> 00:06:43,192
I need you to pull over
so I can perform CPR!
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00:06:43,275 --> 00:06:44,317
We're almost there.
Changing lanes!
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00:06:44,401 --> 00:06:46,317
[tires squealing]
167
00:06:46,401 --> 00:06:47,693
[horn honking]
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00:06:47,776 --> 00:06:50,192
- Changing back!
- Changing back!
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00:06:50,275 --> 00:06:52,401
[Jill] Fuck this fucking light!
170
00:06:52,484 --> 00:06:54,150
What the fuck is up
with this fucking light?
171
00:06:54,234 --> 00:06:55,943
Hold on!
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00:06:56,025 --> 00:06:57,192
[horns honking]
173
00:06:57,275 --> 00:06:59,275
[tires squealing]
174
00:06:59,359 --> 00:07:01,067
Get me to the hospital.
Get me to the hospital.
175
00:07:01,150 --> 00:07:02,192
Get me to the hospital!
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00:07:02,275 --> 00:07:03,401
I'm gonna call out the road,
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00:07:03,484 --> 00:07:04,401
and you're gonna
repeat it back to me.
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00:07:04,484 --> 00:07:05,651
- Mm.
- Right turn.
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00:07:05,734 --> 00:07:07,025
- Right turn.
- I can't hear you.
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00:07:07,109 --> 00:07:08,901
- Right turn!
- [tires squealing]
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00:07:09,025 --> 00:07:10,651
[hiccupping]
Oh!
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00:07:10,734 --> 00:07:13,401
[laughing] The twins are giving
me the-the hiccups.
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00:07:13,484 --> 00:07:14,693
- [panting]
- You're doin' great...
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00:07:14,776 --> 00:07:16,067
Mom.
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00:07:16,150 --> 00:07:17,109
[screaming]
Please drive faster!
186
00:07:17,192 --> 00:07:19,109
[Jeff] Okay!
187
00:07:19,192 --> 00:07:21,067
[panting]
188
00:07:21,150 --> 00:07:22,734
Oh...if Astronotter
were here,
189
00:07:22,818 --> 00:07:24,984
he'd tell you
you need to take
190
00:07:25,067 --> 00:07:26,275
a calming-down breath.
191
00:07:26,359 --> 00:07:27,484
No, he'd say,
"Me-me-meep, me-me-meep."
192
00:07:27,567 --> 00:07:29,609
- [Jill panting]
- [Jeff] Help us, please!
193
00:07:29,693 --> 00:07:31,275
We need help!
194
00:07:31,359 --> 00:07:33,567
Weak pulse, internal bleeding.
He was on Ambien and pot.
195
00:07:33,651 --> 00:07:35,359
- He walked into traffic.
- [woman] Copy. Trauma one.
196
00:07:35,442 --> 00:07:37,192
Code blue!
197
00:07:37,275 --> 00:07:39,567
[indistinct P.A. announcement]
198
00:07:39,651 --> 00:07:41,693
[cell phone clicks]
199
00:07:41,776 --> 00:07:44,984
[Deirdre] So what your dad
is trying to say is--
200
00:07:45,067 --> 00:07:47,067
When two heterosexual people
201
00:07:47,150 --> 00:07:49,484
reach a point
in their relationship--
202
00:07:49,567 --> 00:07:51,317
Did you get me everything
on my Christmas list?
203
00:07:51,401 --> 00:07:53,150
- Pretty much.
- Almost, yeah.
204
00:07:53,234 --> 00:07:56,109
- Cool.
- A point in their relationship
205
00:07:56,192 --> 00:07:58,693
when, uh, things
are no longer feasible--
206
00:07:58,776 --> 00:07:59,693
What's "feasible"?
207
00:07:59,776 --> 00:08:01,567
It's a Japanese word
for "exciting."
208
00:08:01,651 --> 00:08:04,317
Hey, whatever happened
to Mr. Pickles-san?
209
00:08:04,401 --> 00:08:05,484
He went home.
210
00:08:05,567 --> 00:08:06,526
He's probably
in Guantanamo Bay.
211
00:08:06,609 --> 00:08:07,776
What's that?
212
00:08:07,859 --> 00:08:09,317
It's what your mom
calls our bedroom.
213
00:08:09,401 --> 00:08:10,401
- Nice.
- [laughs]
214
00:08:10,484 --> 00:08:12,984
When a marriage
is no longer feasible,
215
00:08:13,067 --> 00:08:15,526
a mutual decision is made--
216
00:08:15,609 --> 00:08:17,693
Well, 60-40,
if we're gonna be honest.
217
00:08:17,776 --> 00:08:20,150
- [cell phone buzzing]
- Hi.
218
00:08:20,234 --> 00:08:22,234
I think I killed Peter.
219
00:08:22,317 --> 00:08:24,442
- I gotta go.
- [scoffs]
220
00:08:24,526 --> 00:08:26,442
We're getting a divorce.
221
00:08:26,526 --> 00:08:28,275
["Jingle Bells"
playing over stereo]
222
00:08:28,359 --> 00:08:29,859
Can I open
another present?
223
00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:32,484
Here, open this one.
224
00:08:32,567 --> 00:08:34,984
Can I talk to you
in the kitchen, please?
225
00:08:35,067 --> 00:08:36,442
Don't throw it in the house.
226
00:08:36,526 --> 00:08:41,359
♪♪♪
227
00:08:41,442 --> 00:08:44,317
[whispering]
I love you, ax.
228
00:08:44,401 --> 00:08:45,776
[whispering] So then
you tried to kill him?
229
00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:47,359
[whispering]
I didn't try to kill him.
230
00:08:47,442 --> 00:08:49,067
I tried to hit him
with my car.
231
00:08:49,150 --> 00:08:50,234
Did anybody see you?
232
00:08:51,401 --> 00:08:52,693
What did I do?
233
00:08:52,776 --> 00:08:56,317
You got between your kid
and drugs any way you could.
234
00:08:56,401 --> 00:08:58,317
When Jill comes back,
I'm gonna tell her everything.
235
00:08:58,401 --> 00:09:00,109
- Why would you do that?
- I think I'll feel better
236
00:09:00,192 --> 00:09:02,150
- if she knew.
- No, no.
237
00:09:02,234 --> 00:09:04,567
You need to lie right now.
238
00:09:04,651 --> 00:09:06,484
Under no circumstances
239
00:09:06,567 --> 00:09:08,984
should you tell her
what you did.
240
00:09:09,067 --> 00:09:10,401
Or anyone.
241
00:09:10,484 --> 00:09:13,150
I'm sorry.
I don't know how to lie.
242
00:09:13,234 --> 00:09:15,943
Think of it as a secret.
243
00:09:16,025 --> 00:09:17,609
[normal voice]
You're good at keeping secrets.
244
00:09:17,693 --> 00:09:20,734
- Hmm.
- Besides, if Peter dies,
245
00:09:20,818 --> 00:09:22,734
there's no point
in confessing.
246
00:09:22,818 --> 00:09:25,901
Plus...she'll be single
again, so that's good.
247
00:09:25,984 --> 00:09:28,943
[normal voice] If I can't
be honest with her, who am I?
248
00:09:29,025 --> 00:09:31,109
I'm gonna tell her
about buying the house too.
249
00:09:31,192 --> 00:09:33,359
If you tell her what you did,
you will lose her.
250
00:09:33,442 --> 00:09:37,693
You'll lose Will.
You'll lose everything.
251
00:09:40,776 --> 00:09:42,859
There is nothing
after that.
252
00:09:42,943 --> 00:09:44,275
[indistinct P.A. announcement]
253
00:09:44,359 --> 00:09:46,067
[sighs]
254
00:09:48,484 --> 00:09:50,275
[whispering] Thank you
for listening to me.
255
00:09:51,442 --> 00:09:53,359
I'm gonna go find Jill.
256
00:09:58,234 --> 00:10:00,150
[softly]
Fuuuuuuck.
257
00:10:01,693 --> 00:10:03,359
[Giggles]
Did you see the way
258
00:10:03,442 --> 00:10:05,442
he lowered that body
into the trunk
259
00:10:05,526 --> 00:10:07,442
like he'd been doing it
his whole life?
260
00:10:07,526 --> 00:10:09,901
Like he was a sniper
during the Lesbianic Wars.
261
00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:11,317
I hate him!
262
00:10:11,401 --> 00:10:12,609
How long do you think
263
00:10:12,693 --> 00:10:14,317
that he's been living
in that house,
264
00:10:14,401 --> 00:10:16,192
stalking his prey?
265
00:10:16,275 --> 00:10:18,067
How close were you?
266
00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:19,609
We were on the bed.
267
00:10:19,693 --> 00:10:21,275
- Was there tongue?
- I told her I loved her.
268
00:10:21,359 --> 00:10:22,609
I touched her boob.
269
00:10:22,693 --> 00:10:24,901
And then my dad killed a guy!
270
00:10:24,984 --> 00:10:26,192
Cockblock.
271
00:10:26,275 --> 00:10:27,984
Wait, why'd you tell her
you loved her?
272
00:10:28,067 --> 00:10:30,067
Are you not supposed to?
273
00:10:30,150 --> 00:10:31,234
Seems extreme.
274
00:10:31,317 --> 00:10:33,109
[rap music playing over radio]
275
00:10:33,192 --> 00:10:35,776
Whatever. My mom is going
to punch him in the dick
276
00:10:35,859 --> 00:10:38,818
when I tell her that his shit
was in the closet next door!
277
00:10:38,901 --> 00:10:39,984
He's a straight-up
killer.
278
00:10:40,067 --> 00:10:41,943
I bet he pickles
their bodies,
279
00:10:42,025 --> 00:10:45,776
then serves them on a plate
next to giant sandwiches.
280
00:10:45,859 --> 00:10:48,067
Who would eat
a pickled person?
281
00:10:48,150 --> 00:10:50,275
Horses, man.
282
00:10:50,359 --> 00:10:51,567
Horses.
283
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,734
Fuckin' sharks
of the prairie, yo.
284
00:10:53,818 --> 00:10:56,067
♪♪♪
285
00:10:56,150 --> 00:10:57,234
I don't understand.
286
00:10:57,317 --> 00:10:59,943
What is the fucking delay?
287
00:11:00,025 --> 00:11:01,567
I'm sorry, we can't
get him into surgery
288
00:11:01,651 --> 00:11:03,693
until the anesthesiologist
on call arrives.
289
00:11:03,776 --> 00:11:06,109
We paged him,
but he's not responding.
290
00:11:06,192 --> 00:11:08,776
Peter is the anesthesiologist
on call.
291
00:11:08,859 --> 00:11:10,693
I'll find the surgeon.
292
00:11:11,943 --> 00:11:12,693
Ohh!
293
00:11:15,651 --> 00:11:17,067
Ohh!
294
00:11:17,150 --> 00:11:18,484
[exhales]
295
00:11:18,567 --> 00:11:21,359
[indistinct P.A. announcement]
296
00:11:23,401 --> 00:11:26,025
I need to tell you
a few things.
297
00:11:26,109 --> 00:11:27,234
[sobs]
298
00:11:27,317 --> 00:11:28,859
I have to call his family.
299
00:11:28,943 --> 00:11:31,734
I've never met his family!
300
00:11:31,818 --> 00:11:33,025
Do you know that Peter
is a lapsed Mormon?
301
00:11:33,109 --> 00:11:34,567
He has, like, a dozen siblings,
302
00:11:34,651 --> 00:11:35,567
and they're all
flight attendants
303
00:11:35,651 --> 00:11:37,359
who work
for the same airline.
304
00:11:37,442 --> 00:11:39,150
He doesn't speak
to his parents!
305
00:11:39,234 --> 00:11:42,359
Now I have to call his Mormon
mother on Jesus' birthday!
306
00:11:42,442 --> 00:11:44,734
In the same sentence,
I have to introduce myself
307
00:11:44,818 --> 00:11:46,651
and give her the worst
news of her life!
308
00:11:46,734 --> 00:11:48,484
[whispering]
I can call his parents.
309
00:11:48,567 --> 00:11:51,150
I'm sorry
this happened to you.
310
00:11:51,234 --> 00:11:53,317
I'm sorry he wandered
into traffic
311
00:11:53,401 --> 00:11:55,693
and ruined your Christmas.
312
00:11:55,776 --> 00:11:58,442
[crying]
313
00:11:58,526 --> 00:12:01,401
♪ tender music ♪
314
00:12:01,484 --> 00:12:03,067
♪♪♪
315
00:12:03,150 --> 00:12:04,776
Christmas isn't over yet.
316
00:12:06,818 --> 00:12:08,859
[sighs]
What did you wanna tell me?
317
00:12:08,943 --> 00:12:11,150
[exhales]
318
00:12:11,234 --> 00:12:12,693
[sighs]
319
00:12:12,776 --> 00:12:14,359
I'll tell you later.
320
00:12:14,442 --> 00:12:19,442
♪♪♪
321
00:12:26,109 --> 00:12:27,067
[belches]
322
00:12:30,442 --> 00:12:32,567
Sorry.
I'm drunk.
323
00:12:32,651 --> 00:12:35,025
[Dr. Hernandez]
Jeff, Jill.
324
00:12:35,109 --> 00:12:36,734
Hi, I'm Dr. Hernandez.
325
00:12:36,818 --> 00:12:37,984
Uh, sorry I'm not in uniform.
326
00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:40,192
I wasn't supposed
to be working tonight.
327
00:12:40,275 --> 00:12:41,734
Peter is in
critical condition
328
00:12:41,818 --> 00:12:44,067
but stable at this moment.
329
00:12:44,150 --> 00:12:45,067
[Jeff and Jill sigh]
330
00:12:45,150 --> 00:12:46,401
He's breathing
on his own.
331
00:12:46,484 --> 00:12:48,234
He did lose
a lot of blood, though.
332
00:12:48,317 --> 00:12:50,567
I'm a universal donor.
Just say the word.
333
00:12:50,651 --> 00:12:52,067
Thank you,
but we're not there yet.
334
00:12:52,150 --> 00:12:53,359
We'll know more
in the morning.
335
00:12:53,442 --> 00:12:54,859
For now, I think
the best thing to do
336
00:12:54,943 --> 00:12:56,901
is to go home
and get some sleep.
337
00:12:56,984 --> 00:12:58,818
- I'll call you personally.
- Thank you, Doctor.
338
00:12:58,901 --> 00:13:00,109
Hopefully he'll be up
and talking by then.
339
00:13:00,192 --> 00:13:01,609
Mm.
340
00:13:05,734 --> 00:13:07,734
- [sighs]
- Let me take you home.
341
00:13:07,818 --> 00:13:09,234
[inhales]
342
00:13:09,317 --> 00:13:10,901
[murmuring] Okay.
343
00:13:10,984 --> 00:13:12,067
And you...
344
00:13:13,859 --> 00:13:15,984
Ah...
345
00:13:16,067 --> 00:13:18,943
♪ soft music ♪
346
00:13:19,025 --> 00:13:23,818
♪♪♪
347
00:13:27,234 --> 00:13:29,192
[wind howling]
348
00:13:29,275 --> 00:13:31,984
[shivering]
349
00:13:32,067 --> 00:13:36,776
♪♪♪
350
00:13:36,859 --> 00:13:38,359
Ooh.
[exhales]
351
00:13:38,442 --> 00:13:40,025
[sighs]
352
00:13:40,109 --> 00:13:41,734
Ohh!
353
00:13:41,818 --> 00:13:43,609
[both exhale]
354
00:13:49,943 --> 00:13:51,359
I...
355
00:13:52,693 --> 00:13:54,567
Um...
356
00:13:54,651 --> 00:13:58,192
♪ tense music ♪
357
00:13:58,275 --> 00:14:00,317
Do you know
that house next door?
358
00:14:00,401 --> 00:14:04,943
It's, uh, same as ours,
only backwards and empty.
359
00:14:05,025 --> 00:14:06,567
[exhales]
360
00:14:06,651 --> 00:14:08,651
When it was f-for sale--
361
00:14:08,734 --> 00:14:11,359
Would you mind
staying here...
362
00:14:11,442 --> 00:14:13,484
with us tonight?
363
00:14:13,567 --> 00:14:17,192
♪ soft music ♪
364
00:14:17,275 --> 00:14:22,067
♪♪♪
365
00:14:31,859 --> 00:14:33,609
Good night.
366
00:14:33,693 --> 00:14:35,025
Night.
367
00:14:35,109 --> 00:14:39,901
♪♪♪
368
00:15:02,651 --> 00:15:05,567
♪ music brightens ♪
369
00:15:05,651 --> 00:15:10,609
♪♪♪
370
00:15:33,651 --> 00:15:34,651
[Jill]
Hello.
371
00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:37,776
Mrs. Zeckhauser, uh...
[sniffles]
372
00:15:37,859 --> 00:15:41,192
...um, you don't know me,
but...
373
00:15:41,275 --> 00:15:45,067
I'm your son Peter's, um...
374
00:15:45,150 --> 00:15:46,526
friend.
375
00:15:46,609 --> 00:15:49,275
♪ light music ♪
376
00:15:49,359 --> 00:15:52,275
♪♪♪
377
00:15:52,359 --> 00:15:53,442
Ho, ho, ho.
378
00:15:53,526 --> 00:15:56,693
Here...comes...
379
00:15:56,776 --> 00:15:58,567
- Santa Claus.
- [squish]
380
00:15:58,651 --> 00:16:03,818
♪♪♪
381
00:16:03,901 --> 00:16:07,818
♪ choir singing
indistinctly ♪
382
00:16:07,901 --> 00:16:11,901
[baby crying]
383
00:16:12,025 --> 00:16:16,943
♪♪♪
384
00:16:17,025 --> 00:16:20,609
[crying continues]
385
00:16:23,275 --> 00:16:27,109
♪ choir's singing
grows louder ♪
386
00:16:27,192 --> 00:16:32,067
♪♪♪
387
00:16:32,150 --> 00:16:35,109
[crying continues]
388
00:16:35,192 --> 00:16:38,776
♪♪♪
389
00:16:38,859 --> 00:16:41,818
[crying continues]
390
00:16:41,901 --> 00:16:43,984
Quick,
wake the other one up,
391
00:16:44,067 --> 00:16:45,943
and let's see
if they'll harmonize.
392
00:16:46,025 --> 00:16:47,275
♪♪♪
393
00:16:47,359 --> 00:16:48,484
[cell phone chimes]
394
00:16:57,484 --> 00:16:58,401
[sighs]
395
00:17:14,984 --> 00:17:16,859
[Mr. Pickles]
I am listening.
396
00:17:16,943 --> 00:17:18,609
- [footsteps approaching]
- I am listening.
397
00:17:18,693 --> 00:17:21,526
Are you...
looking for me?
398
00:17:24,943 --> 00:17:27,150
No one left a plate
of cookies for Santa.
399
00:17:27,234 --> 00:17:28,651
[oven beeps]
400
00:17:28,734 --> 00:17:31,359
[cookies sizzling softly]
401
00:17:31,442 --> 00:17:32,484
[sniffs]
402
00:17:32,567 --> 00:17:33,734
Mmm.
403
00:17:37,859 --> 00:17:40,693
So...
404
00:17:40,776 --> 00:17:42,693
did you tell your mom
405
00:17:42,776 --> 00:17:44,818
about me buying
the house next door?
406
00:17:44,901 --> 00:17:46,109
Why did you buy it?
407
00:17:47,693 --> 00:17:50,693
At the time,
it seemed like...
408
00:17:50,776 --> 00:17:52,442
a romantic gesture,
409
00:17:52,526 --> 00:17:54,567
to be closer to you guys.
410
00:17:54,651 --> 00:17:57,025
Because I love you guys.
411
00:17:57,109 --> 00:17:59,234
That's why I've done...
412
00:17:59,317 --> 00:18:01,859
everything I've done.
413
00:18:01,943 --> 00:18:06,025
Were you ever a sniper
in Lebanon...under Reagan?
414
00:18:06,109 --> 00:18:08,109
I would have been 16.
415
00:18:08,192 --> 00:18:09,734
Didn't answer the question.
416
00:18:10,776 --> 00:18:12,567
Shit, that's molten lava.
417
00:18:12,651 --> 00:18:15,025
You okay?
Please don't use a bad word--
418
00:18:15,109 --> 00:18:17,067
Wait.
419
00:18:17,150 --> 00:18:21,317
Only use a bad word
when no good word will do.
420
00:18:24,359 --> 00:18:25,984
I'm not gonna tell Mom
what you did.
421
00:18:27,943 --> 00:18:29,150
I will.
422
00:18:31,359 --> 00:18:32,818
It's important
to be honest.
423
00:18:34,192 --> 00:18:37,192
[exhales]
I like seeing you two together
424
00:18:37,275 --> 00:18:40,109
more than I like
seeing you apart.
425
00:18:40,192 --> 00:18:42,109
♪ Perry Como's
"There is No Christmas ♪
426
00:18:42,192 --> 00:18:44,401
♪ Like a Home Christmas"
playing ♪
427
00:18:44,484 --> 00:18:48,943
♪ There is no Christmas ♪
428
00:18:49,025 --> 00:18:52,984
♪ Like a home Christmas ♪
429
00:18:53,067 --> 00:18:55,442
♪ With your dad and mother ♪
430
00:18:55,526 --> 00:18:58,526
♪ Sis and brother there ♪
431
00:18:58,609 --> 00:19:01,025
♪♪♪
432
00:19:01,109 --> 00:19:03,609
♪ With their hearts
humming ♪
433
00:19:03,693 --> 00:19:05,442
Fire in the hole!
434
00:19:05,526 --> 00:19:10,275
♪ At your homecomin'
and that merry...
435
00:19:10,359 --> 00:19:13,025
What do you think?
436
00:19:13,109 --> 00:19:15,234
Breakfast first...
or presents?
437
00:19:15,317 --> 00:19:16,901
I don't know.
438
00:19:16,984 --> 00:19:19,651
I'm gonna call the hospital
and check in.
439
00:19:19,734 --> 00:19:21,317
But after that?
440
00:19:21,401 --> 00:19:23,234
I'm not sure we have time.
441
00:19:23,317 --> 00:19:25,109
There's always time
for Christmas.
442
00:19:25,192 --> 00:19:28,401
♪♪♪
443
00:19:28,484 --> 00:19:31,067
I didn't really have time
to go shopping last night,
444
00:19:31,150 --> 00:19:33,693
so you're mostly getting things
I found around the house.
445
00:19:33,776 --> 00:19:35,442
This is for you.
446
00:19:35,526 --> 00:19:36,693
[whispering]
It's a lamp.
447
00:19:36,776 --> 00:19:38,859
Ah, yes, this must have
really set you back.
448
00:19:38,943 --> 00:19:41,025
Bulbs too!
Big spender.
449
00:19:41,109 --> 00:19:43,359
Wait'll you see
what I got for you.
450
00:19:43,442 --> 00:19:45,776
♪ ...oh, that's the time
of year ♪
451
00:19:45,859 --> 00:19:48,859
♪ All roads lead home ♪
452
00:19:48,943 --> 00:19:51,651
Cool!
Is it a bicycle?
453
00:19:51,734 --> 00:19:53,484
Did you peek?
454
00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:55,567
- [laughs]
- [dog whines]
455
00:19:55,651 --> 00:20:00,567
♪♪♪
456
00:20:00,651 --> 00:20:04,526
[roaring]
457
00:20:06,067 --> 00:20:07,275
[munching]
458
00:20:07,359 --> 00:20:11,776
♪ La, la, la, la-la ♪
459
00:20:11,859 --> 00:20:15,818
♪ La-la-la, la, la ♪
460
00:20:15,901 --> 00:20:21,317
♪ La-la-la, la-la-la,
la-la, la-la, la-la ♪
461
00:20:21,401 --> 00:20:25,067
♪ Merry Christmas,
merry, merry Christmas ♪
462
00:20:25,150 --> 00:20:29,025
♪ Christmas bells,
Christmas bells ♪
463
00:20:29,109 --> 00:20:33,067
♪ Ringing loud and strong ♪
464
00:20:33,150 --> 00:20:36,734
♪ Follow them, follow them ♪
465
00:20:36,818 --> 00:20:40,818
♪ You've been away ♪
466
00:20:40,901 --> 00:20:43,150
♪ Too long ♪
467
00:20:43,234 --> 00:20:44,859
♪ Too long ♪
468
00:20:44,943 --> 00:20:49,401
♪ There is no Christmas ♪
469
00:20:49,484 --> 00:20:51,693
♪ Like a home-- ♪
470
00:20:51,776 --> 00:20:54,984
[cell phone chiming]
471
00:20:55,067 --> 00:20:56,609
- [chiming stops]
- [Jill] Hello?
472
00:21:00,067 --> 00:21:02,359
[door clicks open and shut]
473
00:21:02,442 --> 00:21:05,067
Was it the hospital?
474
00:21:05,150 --> 00:21:07,693
[Dr. Hernandez]
Ma'am, your son suffered
475
00:21:07,776 --> 00:21:10,109
blunt-force trauma
to the lower abdomen,
476
00:21:10,192 --> 00:21:12,401
resulting
in a hepatic hemorrhage.
477
00:21:12,484 --> 00:21:14,901
His liver's bleeding.
They can't stop it.
478
00:21:14,984 --> 00:21:17,401
Please let
the doctor talk.
479
00:21:17,484 --> 00:21:19,901
She's not family.
Continue.
480
00:21:19,984 --> 00:21:21,109
She's right.
481
00:21:21,192 --> 00:21:22,859
He needs a new liver
within two days,
482
00:21:22,943 --> 00:21:24,484
or it will fail,
483
00:21:24,567 --> 00:21:26,150
and then there's nothing
we can do.
484
00:21:26,234 --> 00:21:28,317
- What about a donor?
- That's the next ask.
485
00:21:28,401 --> 00:21:30,150
We could try a donor list,
486
00:21:30,234 --> 00:21:31,901
but I'm afraid that won't work
with our time frame.
487
00:21:31,984 --> 00:21:34,192
Peter's best hope
is in this room.
488
00:21:34,275 --> 00:21:36,234
If you're a match
and wish to donate
489
00:21:36,317 --> 00:21:37,776
a healthy portion
of your liver,
490
00:21:37,859 --> 00:21:39,067
the risks are there,
but it's, uh...
491
00:21:39,150 --> 00:21:40,901
well, it's the only thing
to do.
492
00:21:40,984 --> 00:21:42,567
What constitutes a match?
493
00:21:42,651 --> 00:21:45,025
We'll take you into a room,
ask you some questions.
494
00:21:45,109 --> 00:21:46,275
You'll need to have
the same blood type
495
00:21:46,359 --> 00:21:47,651
or be a universal donor.
496
00:21:50,484 --> 00:21:52,484
- I'll volunteer.
- Me too.
497
00:21:52,567 --> 00:21:54,734
You'll need relatively
the same body type and build.
498
00:21:54,818 --> 00:21:56,442
Same gender is a big plus.
499
00:21:58,609 --> 00:21:59,859
Hmm.
500
00:21:59,943 --> 00:22:01,901
Looks like I fit the bill.
501
00:22:02,526 --> 00:22:05,150
- Oh, thank you, Bart.
- It's not an issue, Mom.
502
00:22:05,234 --> 00:22:08,484
Jesus said to His disciples,
"When you give," not if.
503
00:22:08,567 --> 00:22:10,359
That's a very noble thing
you're doing.
504
00:22:10,442 --> 00:22:12,776
To think his first words
to you after 15 years
505
00:22:12,859 --> 00:22:15,109
will be "thank you."
Mm.
506
00:22:15,192 --> 00:22:18,109
I don't give for man's praise.
I give for God's.
507
00:22:18,192 --> 00:22:20,109
[Dr. Hernandez]
Oh, and you cannot have had
508
00:22:20,192 --> 00:22:22,317
an alcoholic beverage
in the last 72 hours.
509
00:22:22,401 --> 00:22:24,192
So if you'll follow me,
we'll sign some papers
510
00:22:24,275 --> 00:22:25,818
and get started.
511
00:22:26,901 --> 00:22:28,901
Uh...I can't.
512
00:22:32,275 --> 00:22:33,526
Every year
after you go to bed,
513
00:22:33,609 --> 00:22:36,234
Father plies us with a bottle
of Hungarian pálinka.
514
00:22:37,609 --> 00:22:38,984
We drink every drop.
515
00:22:39,067 --> 00:22:41,359
We bury the empty bottles
in the pet cemetery.
516
00:22:42,359 --> 00:22:44,025
Well, now your brother's
gonna die.
517
00:22:44,109 --> 00:22:46,067
Lillian, I'm sure there's
another viable candidate.
518
00:22:46,150 --> 00:22:49,484
- Why are you still here?
- Dad, what's pálinka?
519
00:22:50,275 --> 00:22:51,651
Dad?
520
00:22:51,734 --> 00:22:54,567
- [siren wailing]
- ♪ quiet music ♪
521
00:22:54,651 --> 00:22:59,401
♪♪♪
522
00:23:04,984 --> 00:23:06,818
[horn honks]
523
00:23:06,901 --> 00:23:08,317
[Jill]
Jeff.
524
00:23:08,401 --> 00:23:10,693
- [babies crying]
- I think we dropped a hat.
525
00:23:12,401 --> 00:23:16,192
Do you see it,
a little blue and pink hat?
526
00:23:16,275 --> 00:23:19,067
- [crying continues]
- [Jill grunts]
527
00:23:20,609 --> 00:23:23,025
Just leave the wheelchair
on the curb.
528
00:23:23,109 --> 00:23:25,067
Like a grocery cart.
529
00:23:25,150 --> 00:23:26,734
Someone will come get it.
530
00:23:26,818 --> 00:23:28,818
♪♪♪
531
00:23:28,901 --> 00:23:31,359
Let's go home...Dad
532
00:23:31,442 --> 00:23:36,109
♪♪♪
533
00:23:53,275 --> 00:23:56,234
♪ purposeful music ♪
534
00:23:56,317 --> 00:24:01,234
♪♪♪
535
00:24:12,484 --> 00:24:13,734
If you move him
to another hospital,
536
00:24:13,818 --> 00:24:15,734
he's still going
to need a liver.
537
00:24:15,818 --> 00:24:17,067
Aren't you still married?
538
00:24:17,150 --> 00:24:19,359
My husband and I
are separated.
539
00:24:19,442 --> 00:24:20,901
And isn't he also Mormon?
540
00:24:20,984 --> 00:24:22,984
Common misconception.
541
00:24:27,275 --> 00:24:28,401
Mm...
542
00:24:28,484 --> 00:24:30,734
may I please speak
to the two of you?
543
00:24:33,317 --> 00:24:34,859
Is everything okay?
544
00:24:36,526 --> 00:24:38,192
[exhales]
545
00:24:39,150 --> 00:24:40,526
[laughs shortly]
546
00:24:45,359 --> 00:24:48,609
Peter...
[breathing shakily]
547
00:24:48,693 --> 00:24:50,484
...didn't walk into traffic.
548
00:24:54,943 --> 00:24:56,192
Uh...
549
00:24:56,275 --> 00:24:58,526
I...
550
00:24:58,609 --> 00:25:00,025
[sighs]
551
00:25:00,109 --> 00:25:02,943
♪ dramatic music ♪
552
00:25:03,025 --> 00:25:07,359
♪♪♪
553
00:25:07,442 --> 00:25:09,442
...fucked up.
554
00:25:09,526 --> 00:25:13,609
[breathing shakily]
555
00:25:13,693 --> 00:25:18,651
♪♪♪
556
00:25:18,734 --> 00:25:21,693
[no audible dialogue]
557
00:25:42,943 --> 00:25:45,484
By the way,
558
00:25:45,567 --> 00:25:48,567
we are really huge fans
of your show.
559
00:25:48,651 --> 00:25:50,067
[Dr. Hernandez]
Before we can determine
560
00:25:50,150 --> 00:25:51,734
your viability as a donor,
561
00:25:51,818 --> 00:25:54,359
I need to ask you
a few questions.
562
00:25:54,442 --> 00:25:55,651
Why do you want
to do this?
563
00:25:55,734 --> 00:25:57,901
Because it's important
to do the right thing.
564
00:25:57,984 --> 00:25:59,442
- Are you a smoker?
- No.
565
00:25:59,526 --> 00:26:00,234
Do you take
recreational drugs?
566
00:26:00,317 --> 00:26:01,526
- No.
- Not even pot?
567
00:26:01,609 --> 00:26:02,609
No.
568
00:26:02,693 --> 00:26:04,317
Ah. Ha.
569
00:26:04,401 --> 00:26:07,234
And...when was the last time
you had a drink?
570
00:26:07,317 --> 00:26:09,025
♪♪♪
571
00:26:09,109 --> 00:26:11,275
June 21, 2003.
572
00:26:12,609 --> 00:26:14,401
That's amazing.
573
00:26:14,484 --> 00:26:16,526
How do you know
the exact date?
574
00:26:16,609 --> 00:26:18,317
♪♪♪
575
00:26:18,401 --> 00:26:21,025
It was the day I was married.
576
00:26:21,109 --> 00:26:22,859
We're going to perform
some additional tests
577
00:26:22,943 --> 00:26:24,192
to confirm a match...
578
00:26:24,275 --> 00:26:25,150
[voice fading]
...and get you into surgery
579
00:26:25,234 --> 00:26:25,943
as soon as possible.
580
00:26:26,025 --> 00:26:30,275
♪♪♪
581
00:26:31,275 --> 00:26:34,275
[cell phone buzzing]
582
00:26:39,401 --> 00:26:40,859
Hello?
583
00:26:40,943 --> 00:26:44,401
[children] ♪ Hark!
The herald angels sing ♪
584
00:26:44,484 --> 00:26:48,192
♪ "Glory to
the newborn King" ♪
585
00:26:48,275 --> 00:26:50,401
- ♪ Peace on Earth... ♪
- [Dale] Mr. Pickles,
586
00:26:50,484 --> 00:26:52,234
this is
Lovetenant Dale Nukem
587
00:26:52,317 --> 00:26:53,317
from the Austin, Texas,
chapter
588
00:26:53,401 --> 00:26:54,901
of the Pickles Platoon.
589
00:26:54,984 --> 00:26:56,859
We wanted to wish you
a happy holiday season
590
00:26:56,943 --> 00:26:58,734
and a festive New Year.
591
00:26:58,818 --> 00:27:00,984
Oh, my...
592
00:27:01,067 --> 00:27:03,150
what talent!
593
00:27:03,234 --> 00:27:04,734
[Dale] And this is Noah.
594
00:27:04,818 --> 00:27:06,567
Noah earned the most
pickle points this year
595
00:27:06,651 --> 00:27:09,567
and gets to wish you a happy
holidays all by himself.
596
00:27:09,651 --> 00:27:12,234
[Noah] Happy holidays,
Mr. Pickles.
597
00:27:12,317 --> 00:27:15,317
Happy holidays, Noah.
598
00:27:15,401 --> 00:27:18,651
Have you been a good boy
this year?
599
00:27:18,734 --> 00:27:21,109
[Noah] Have you been
a good boy this year?
600
00:27:21,192 --> 00:27:22,776
♪♪♪
601
00:27:22,859 --> 00:27:25,275
[children]
♪ Christ, by highest ♪
602
00:27:25,359 --> 00:27:27,109
♪ Heav'n adored ♪
603
00:27:27,192 --> 00:27:31,275
♪ Christ,
the everlasting Lord ♪
604
00:27:31,359 --> 00:27:34,818
♪ Late in time,
behold Him come ♪
605
00:27:34,901 --> 00:27:38,859
♪ Offspring
of the favored one ♪
606
00:27:38,943 --> 00:27:42,526
♪ Veiled in flesh,
the Godhead see ♪
607
00:27:42,609 --> 00:27:46,693
♪ Hail the incarnate Deity ♪
608
00:27:46,776 --> 00:27:50,359
♪ Pleased as man
with man to dwell ♪
609
00:27:50,442 --> 00:27:54,442
♪ Jesus, our Emmanuel ♪
610
00:27:54,526 --> 00:27:57,943
♪ Hark!
The herald angels sing ♪
611
00:27:58,025 --> 00:28:01,734
♪ "Glory to
the newborn King" ♪
612
00:28:01,818 --> 00:28:06,734
♪♪♪
41615
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