All language subtitles for English (SDH)

(ROARS)

KERMIT: Pretty nice up here, isn't it?

- FOZZIE: Kermit?
- Huh?

FOZZIE: What if we drift out to sea?

What if we're never heard from again?

What if there's a storm?

Or we get struck by lightning?

That'd be neat.

Listen, nothing's gonna happen.

This is just the opening credits.

Oh. Where are they?

Wow!

KERMIT: "The Great Muppet Caper."

FOZZIE: Nice title.

GONZO: Whoo-wee!

I'd like to try this without the balloon.

- Try what? Plummeting?
- Yeah!

I suppose you could try it once.

- Kermit?
- Mmm?

How long are these opening credits?

Just about another minute or so.

My ears are popping.

GONZO: I wonder how far you
could plummet before you blacked out.

KERMIT: Well, don't try it, Gonzo.
We need you for this movie.

GONZO: Sure is tempting.

- FOZZIE: Kermit?
- Huh?

FOZZIE: What does "BSC" stand for?

KERMIT: I don't know.

Gee, a lot of people
worked on this movie.

Huh. This is nothing.

Wait till you see the end credits.

- FOZZIE: Kermit?
- Mmm?

FOZZIE: Are the credits over?

KERMIT: Uh, not quite.

FOZZIE: Nobody reads those
names anyway, do they?

KERMIT: Sure. They all have families.

Ah.

That's it. The sky is clear.

So, okay.

Well, now what do we do?
I mean, how does this movie start?

- Well, we just pull that rope.
- Yes, sir!

- (AIR ESCAPING)
- (ALL SCREAM)

KERMIT: Ooh, we're going down!

Heads up, below!

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

What a fantastic beginning.

(HEY, A MOVIE PLAYING)

Wow!

(SINGING) There'll be spectacle
There'll be fantasy

There'll be derring-do

And stuff like you would never see

Hey, a movie

Yeah, we're gonna be a movie

- Starring everybody
- And me

There'll be heroes bold
There'll be comedy

And a lot of fuss
That ends for us real happily

Hey, a movie

We can watch it all develop

Starring everybody

And me

We'll take the world
And set it on its ear

Come on, join in
We're gonna start right here

- (BRAKES SCREECH)
- (CLUCKING)

(GROANS)

It's okay. I landed on my head.

- Come on!
- (HORN HONKS)

Oh. Here, chicken!

Hey! Why, you...

Whoa!

Hold it!

Go ahead, Kermit.

Thank you. See, in this film,

me and Fozzie play crack investigative
reporters for The Daily Chronicle.

And Gonzo, he's our photographer.
And it's gonna be terrific.

- (HORN HONKING)
- (ALL SCREAM)

Boy, I wish I were you people,
seeing this for the first time.

(SINGING) There'll be crooks and cops

There'll be villainy

But with us on call
We'll fix it all real easily

Hey, a movie

Wow, it's gonna be terrific

Starring everybody

And me.

- (CRUNCH)
- Argh!

Now, what we need, guys,
is an exciting photo story.

GONZO: Right this way, young lady.

- I'll take a picture of this chicken.
- (CLUCKING)

Beautiful.

- That's great, Gonzo.
- Yeah. Smile, chicky babe.

- My jewels!
- (TIRES SCREECHING)

That man stole my jewels!

Help! My jewels!

(WHISTLE WHISTLING)

Look up. Hey, do you wanna make
the front pages or not?

Kermit, I got a great picture
of the chicken.

Oh, good.

(SINGING) There'll be mystery
and catastrophe

But it's all in fun
You paid the money, wait and see

Hey, a movie

Is there any way to stop it?

Starring everybody

Everybody

Everybody and...

Oh...

Me

(SIGHS)

- How could you miss a story like that?
- (ALL YELP)

It was right under your noses,

practically bit you
on the seat of the pants.

There's just no excuse.

I guess this would be the wrong time
to ask for a raise?

Raise? A raise?

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

- I'll give you a raise!
- (ALL YELP)

Did you read these headlines? Huh?

"Jewel heist on Main Street."

And it's nice bold print, isn't it?

- Yes, it's very easy to read.
- Mmm.

Shut up now.

Sorry.

"Lady Holiday's Jewels Stolen,"
that's what it says in The Times.

And here's The Herald.

"Fashion Queen of London Robbed."

And last but not least...

(LAUGHS)

...here's our cute little banner story.

"Identical Twins
join The Chronicle staff."

Now, I ask you,
what paper would you buy?

I read the one that has "Dear Abby."

- (GROANS)
- (SHRIEKS)

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

KERMIT: Gee, Mr. Tarkanian.

We thought identical twins
working on a newspaper

- would make an interesting story.
- Yeah.

Well, it doesn't.

Especially since you two guys
don't look anything alike.

Well, that's 'cause Fozzie's
not wearing his hat.

- Oh, Fozzie, put your hat back on.
- Oh. Yes, sir. See?

Oh, yeah.

I can see it now.

But that's still no excuse
for blowing a story.

Oh, we'll do better next time.

- Next time? Next time?
- (BOTH GASP)

What makes you think
there's gonna be a next time?

Well, if there isn't it's gonna
be a real short movie.

Look, the only reason
I hired you two jerks

was because your old man
was a friend of mine.

FOZZIE: Dad spoke well of you, too.

Well, I'm as sentimental
as the next guy.

That's why I don't want him to hear this.

You're fired.

(BOTH GASP)

Take that thing down off the ceiling.

Yeah, but, Mr. Tarkanian...

- Gonzo.
- Check. Whoo-wee!

Won't you listen to reason, sir?

I'm not listening to anything
and I'm not giving you your job back.

I don't want you to give us anything.

We just want to go to England
and talk to Lady Holiday

the woman who was robbed?

And we'll catch
those jewel thieves for you.

You see, all you have to do is
pay our way to London.

Oh! Is that all I have to do?

(LAUGHS)

Well, we could use some
new luggage for the trip.

- Luggage?
- (ALL YELP)

Now look, beat it.
I got a deadline to meet.

But how are we gonna get to London?

I'll tell you what, Fozzie,

since you're such an
investigative reporter, you figure it out.

I'm Fozzie.

Oh, yeah, yeah. The hat. (CHUCKLES)

Stop the presses!

Why? What happened?

I don't know.
I've always wanted to say that.

- Look, you guys...
- (GONZO LAUGHS)

(FARMYARD NOISES)

KERMIT: Oh, boy.

It must be 50 below in here.

FOZZIE: You're lucky, you have fur.

KERMIT: No, no, no.
You're the one with the fur.

Turn on your light
and see for yourself.

Oh, yeah!

I keep mixing us up.

KERMIT: I think I'll read for a while.

- Oh, I wish I had a book.
- Hey, Kermit?

Can you reach the hostess call button?
I'm hungry.

- They don't serve food in ninth class.
- (GUNSHOT)

What?
$12 and you don't even get a meal?

Hey, could you guys keep it down?

I'm trying to watch the movie.

(SIGHS)

Hey, somebody's coming.

Oh, maybe they're bringing hamburgers.

All out for England!

Oh, great, the plane is landing.

The plane?

Nah. The plane lands in Italy.

You land in England.

FOZZIE: Whoa!

Kermit!

GONZO: What's happening?

Whoopee! (LAUGHS)

FOZZIE: Geronimo!

(GONZO LAUGHS)

KERMIT: Glug!

For once the forecast was right.

(CHUCKLES) It said it was going
to rain cats and dogs.

No, no. We're bears and frogs.

And Gonzos.

Whatever you are, whoever you are,
welcome to Great Britain.

Great Britain?
We're actually in Great Britain!

Oh, no, we'll never get to England now.

You are in England,
my furry friend.

This sceptered isle.
This jewel of the North Atlantic.

Oh, good.
Well, we're going to London

and we were wondering if you
could recommend a nice hotel.

- Actually, a cheap hotel.
- How cheap?

Free.

That narrows the field a bit.

Let's see.

"Places where you can park
your carcasses."

Bus terminals. River banks.

The Happiness Hotel.

Happiness Hotel? That sounds great.

What's wrong with bus terminals?

Well, thanks a lot for your help, sir.

KERMIT: Hey, guys, this is London.

FOZZIE: Yeah, London! We made it!
Oh, boy!

GONZO: Is that the Eiffel Tower?
FOZZIE: Yeah!

KERMIT: No.
FOZZIE: No, no.

- Hey, Kermit?
- Yeah?

- Are bears allowed in those fountains?
- What?

Are bears allowed in those fountains?

- No, I don't think so.
- I need a bath.

FOZZIE: This is terrific.

Wow, look at the scenery.

GONZO: It's very realistic.

- Hey, what's the name of this river?
- KERMIT: I don't know.

FOZZIE: I think it's the English River.

KERMIT AND GONZO: Oh.

GONZO: I'll take a picture of it.

Say cheese!

FOZZIE: Oh, did I get
my elbow in the shot?

GONZO: Don't worry.
It adds human interest.

FOZZIE: But I'm a bear.

Anyone for the Happiness Hotel?

Huh?

- Oh, Happiness Hotel!
- That's us!

- Yes, we want the Happiness Hotel.
- Yeah.

ALL: Argh!

Wow.

Boy, another crash landing.
That was terrible.

Well, we'll just have to do it again.

Oh, look.
The Happiness Hotel.

What do you think, guys?

FOZZIE: Wow.

If that's the Happiness Hotel,

I'd hate to see
what the sad one looks like.

(DOOR CREAKS)

(SNORING)

KERMIT: Excuse me?

What?

- We'd like a room.
- (FLY BUZZING)

Really?

Yeah, we'd like to check in.

Somebody's checking in!

(BELL DINGS)

- ALL: Somebody's checking in?
- (GUITAR STRUMMING)

(HAPPINESS HOTEL PLAYING)

(SINGING)
Oh, there's no fire in the fireplace

There's no carpet on the floor

Don't try to order dinner

There's no kitchen anymore

But if the road's been kinda bumpy

And you need to rest a spell

Well, welcome home
To the Happiness Hotel

- Hey, how are you guys fixing to pay?
- What are our choices?

A, credit card. B, cash.

C, sneak out
in the middle of the night.

- We'll take C.
- (FLY BUZZING)

Very popular choice.

If you got luggage keep it handy

But you're running out of luck

'Cause the bellhops
Ain't too organized

And the elevator's stuck

Still if you don't mind friendly animals

And can learn to stand the smell

Well, welcome home
To the Happiness Hotel

You know, I may be mistaken,
but the bellhops look like rats.

You should see the chambermaids.

- Welcome home
- Welcome home

No matter where you wander

You will never do as well

Okay, the lobby's looking shabby

And it's got the wrong address

And the whole dang thing
Has been condemned

by American Express

Still the management is cheerful

Though the whole joint's gone to hell

Well, welcome home
To the Happiness Hotel

- You guys live here?
- Yeah, but only between gigs.

So that means we've been here
this time, what, five years?

Oh, yeah, but, like, okay, you know,

our agent, you know, like,
he says, I mean, like,

things are really going to break
as soon as we get our new glossies.

Argh!

What's wrong with the drummer?
He looks a little crazed.

Aw, he's just upset about missing

the Rembrandt exhibit
at the National Gallery.

ANIMAL: Renoir!

- Oh, there are bugs
- There are bugs

- And there are lice
- There are lice

Sure, we have our little problems

But you'll never beat the price

You got every kind of critter

You got every kind of pest

But we treat 'em all as equals

Just like any other guest

Though you're cleaner than the others

Still, as far as we can tell

You'll fit right in to the Happiness Hotel

We'll fit right in

To the Happiness Hotel

Say cheese!

(GONZO LAUGHS)

You are all weirdos.

Ugh.

(STRAINING)

Oh, that's just fine right there.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Thank you.

Hey, not bad.

Are you sure we can afford this?

Hey, Kermit, I'm getting hungry.

- Call room service.
- There's no phone.

RIZZO: That's okay.
There's no food either.

RAT: Come on, Rizzo.

Look, why don't we forget about food
and get a good night's sleep?

We have to get up early
to interview Lady Holiday.

Mmm.

Boy, I sure could use something

from one or more
of the basic food groups.

We'll have breakfast in the morning.

Right now,
let's just be thankful we're here.

- (SPRINGS BOING)
- (ALL YELL)

GONZO: (MUFFLED) Say, this is nice.

KERMIT: (MUFFLED) Can somebody
turn out the light?

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Thank you.

This is Lady Holiday.

Milan speaking? Then put him on.

Oh, yes, darling.
Yes, I'm fine. (LAUGHS)

I had quite a scare.
Thank God I wasn't hurt.

Of course my diamonds were valuable.

All my diamonds are valuable.

Now, darling, I want you to call
the United States and tell Vogue

they can't have the photographs
of the spring line until after the show.

I'm not too happy
with some of the designs.

Still have to make some changes.

(MURMURS OF APPROVAL)

(YELPS)

Well, I'm looking
at three of the gowns now

and I can see horrendous mistakes.

Of course Paris should be notified.

Carla. The neckline on that gown
is too high, don't you think?

- I rather like the effect.
- Do you like looking like an ostrich?

- Of course not.
- And Marla.

Too many frills and furbelows.

I don't think we should strive
for the fantail pigeon look, do you?

And you, Darla.

That outfit's the pits.

Loose where it should be tight
and tight where it should be loose,

like the folds on a turkey's neck.

Why would I design such
atrocious-looking clothes?

Oh!

I must be getting senile.

WOMAN: Yes, Lady Holiday?

We have to make drastic changes

in the new line
before the show tomorrow.

All my girls are going around
looking like barnyard animals.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Good heavens. Who are you?

My name is Miss Piggy

and I would like to be
a high-fashion model.

Doesn't surprise me.

Seems to be the way we're heading.

I've always dreamed
of being a Holiday model.

I have brought my je ne sais quoi

and my portfolio
all the way here to London

to see you, the one and only
Lady Holiday.

- May I come in?
- Absolutely not.

- May I show you my portfolio?
- No.

Good. Here.

You may open it.

Ah. This is me reeking grandeur.

Being aloof.

(LAUGHS) Being demure.

Ah. Daring.

Interesting range of emotions.

Oh, you think so?

Well, as you can see
from this small sampling,

modeling is my life.

It is my destiny.
I shall accept nothing less.

I can offer you a job as a receptionist.

(SHRIEKS WITH DELIGHT)

I'll take it! I'll take it!

Oh, thank you, thank you!
Thank you!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

You won't be sorry,
I promise. I can type,

I can take shorthand,
I can make coffee.

- Oh, I can do it all.
- Sit.

I can sit.
I'm very good at sitting.

Are you quite under control?

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm!

Now, I'll be lunching
with my brother Nicky.

He's second in command here
and he's an irresponsible parasite.

But I had to bring him into the business

because he squandered
his half of the inheritance

and he has categorically no prospects.

Not that he's grateful.

He still gambles and incurs bad debts,

uses my charge accounts, eats my food

and borrows my cars
without asking permission.

And certainly he's not to be trusted.

I wouldn't even put it past him

to try to steal my most valuable
and largest jewel,

the fabulous Baseball Diamond.

And I don't know why his bow ties
are always crooked.

(SIGHS) Still, in all, he is my brother.

Why are you telling me all this?

It's plot exposition.
It has to go somewhere.

Anyway, I want you to answer
the telephone while I'm gone

and, um, straighten up the office.

Consider it done. Mmm. Oh.

Everything's under control.
Not to sweat. (GIGGLES)

Carry on.
I'll be back in an hour.

Whee!

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

Oh, I am going to be a famous model.
Oh, I'm so happy for me.

Miss Piggy, you are on your way.
(GIGGLES)

Where does Lady Holiday get off
calling me an ostrich?

We'll get even
with Lady Holiday tonight

when we steal her necklace.

What are you going to wear
for the robbery?

- (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
- Shh.

Hi.

Hi. Hello.

Hubba hubba!

Uh, excuse me,
where's Lady Holiday's office?

- Round the corner, to the left.
- Oh. Thank you.

- Did you just give directions to a frog?
- I guess I did.

Smile.

- (LAUGHS)
- Is that a new photographer?

GONZO: (GROANS) Ugh.

I think I'm stuck.

FOZZIE: Gonzo? Gonzo!

Gonzo. Gonzo.

GONZO: Pull.

(GRUNTING)

Gonzo, are you okay?

Oh, sure. It was just my nose.

Hey, you guys stay here.
I'll find Lady Holiday.

Yes, sir.

Hey, Fozzie. Come on,
get your nose in here. It's really fun.

Mr. Holiday? Did you order
a gross of flowered socks?

MISS PIGGY: Oh! What an honor.
You're all so wonderful.

Thank you for choosing moi
as model of the year.

Oh! I never dreamed
when I first began in this business

that I would reach such lofty heights.

Thank you! Thank you!

Uh, excuse me.

So, what do you think
about the drapes, hmm?

Personally, I'd rather see shutters. Yes.

And on this wall here...

(SCREAMS)

(WHIMPERS)

Lady Holiday?

(TWITTERING)

Gee, are you okay?

I don't think I'll ever be the same.

Pardon?

Oh. I mean, I don't usually fall like that.

- (CHUCKLES)
- I thought it was a very nice fall.

It was quite graceful, actually.

Oh, thank you, whoever you are.

My name is Kermit the Frog
and I've come all the way from America

to interview you for
The Daily Chronicle.

Me? Why me?

Oh, because you're Lady Holiday.

Oh.

Oh. Yeah, right.
Reason enough. (GIGGLES)

Um...

You wanna help me
out of this wastebasket?

- Oh, yeah.
- Now just pull.

- Okay.
- (STRAINS)

- Harder.
- Okay.

(BOTH STRAINING)

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

So, uh... Listen.

Can I ask you a couple
of questions now?

No, no. Um... Not here.

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) So busy.
So much to do.

Well, uh, perhaps
we could have dinner tonight?

Yes. Fine. Swell. See you then.

I'll pick you up at your house.
It must be beautiful.

- I'm sure it is.
- Hmm?

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
I mean, sure it is!

Yeah.

So, uh, where do you live?

Um...

Guess!

Probably some
highbrow street somewhere.

Highbrow Street, absolutely right.

Highbrow Street.

How did you guess? Are you psychic?

But now, guess what number.

I don't know. Number 17?

Yes, all right. 17 Highbrow Street.

Okay. I'll pick you up at, shall we say...

- Eight o'clock?
- 5:30 p.m?

- 4: 15 p.m?
- 9:20 p.m?

BOTH: Seven o'clock.

- Okay. That was easy.
- Yes, easy.

- Okay, well, I'll see you later.
- Yes. 8:00.

Seven.

Seven, seven.

Well, um...

- Goodbye.
- (CHUCKLES) Yes.

Adios, mon chéri.

Much obliged.

So, Kermit, tell me,
what about Lady Holiday?

- I mean, is she pretty?
- Oh, yeah.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Not at all what I expected.

- Ah.
- Nice eyes, sturdy legs.

And it might have been my imagination,
but, uh, I think she found me attractive.

Oh. Uh, taxi!

Well, of course
she found you attractive.

It runs in the family.

Taxi! Taxi!

I don't know why
the cabs won't stop.

Just leave it to me.

Taxi!

(TIRES SCREECH)

(BOTH YELL)

(GULPS)

That's very effective.

Yeah, it's great when it works.

Did you want me to stop or what?

KERMIT: Thank you very much, sir.

Oh, you can call me Beauregard.

- Where are you guys going?
- Uh, the Happiness Hotel.

Oh, good, that's where I'm going.
How do you get there?

- Haven't you ever been there?
- Of course. I live there.

- (ENGINE REVVING)
- I just don't know how to get there.

KERMIT: It's straight down this street.
BEAUREGARD: Okay.

- (TIRES SCREECH)
- (ALL SCREAM)

Whoa!

Okay. Good.
Now just keep going straight.

Will do.

- (TIRES SCREECH)
- (ALL SCREAM)

(HORN BLARING)

It takes a while to get to know the town.

- How long have you lived in London?
- All my life.

How come you don't have
an English accent?

Hey, I'm lucky to have
a driver's license.

(ALL SCREAM)

Hey, it's just up ahead
there on the right.

What is?

- The Happiness Hotel.
- Oh, yeah.

What's your room number?

I don't know. We're on the second floor.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I can only take you as far as the lobby.

(HORNS BLARE)

(ALL SCREAM)

Whee!

(GONZO LAUGHS)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(SIGHS)

(SCOFFS) You can never find a cab
when you need one.

(LAUGHS)

Whoo-whee! Can we do that again?

Well, thank you very much,
Beauregard.

You're welcome.
Hey, how do I get out of here?

I suggest you make a U-turn.

Hmm, right.

(REVS ENGINE)

MAN: He's headed for the kitchen!

KERMIT: Oh, no!

(HENS CLUCKING)

(SPEAKS MOCK SWEDISH)

Well, looks like steering wheel soufflé
for dinner.

Again?

If you'll excuse me,
I'm going out to dinner.

That's right.
Kermit's got a date with Lady Holiday.

- You don't have to tell everybody.
- (WHISPERS) Oh. Right.

Pops, don't tell anybody.
Kermit's got a date with Lady Holiday.

(LOUDLY) Kermit's got a date
with Lady Holiday?

Oh, wow.
Wait till I tell the guys in the band.

- Tell us what?
- Yeah, what's going down?

(SPEAKS MOCK SWEDISH)

Kermit and Lady Holiday? All right!

(ALL CHAT EXCITEDLY)

Fozzie, this is all very embarrassing.

Kermit, don't worry.
It won't go outside this room.

Here is a Muppet news flash.

Kermit the Frog to date Lady Holiday.
Details at 11:00.

Smile. (LAUGHS)

Local poultry.

(HUMS)

Boy, it's a good thing
you didn't tell everybody

where Lady Holiday lives,

otherwise they'd all
be camped on her doorstep.

That is just for you
and me to know, brother.

We are going to have ourselves
a time tonight.

Wacka wacka.

"We"? What do you mean "we"?

The two of us. You missed a spot.

Anyway. When we get there tonight,
just act naturally.

Oh, no, no. Wait a second,
wait a second. It's when I get there.

This is my date with Lady Holiday.

I'm going alone.
So it's "me" not "we."

Oh.

I see. Fine.

Boy, I wish I had whiskers.

Of course, then I'd have to use a blade.

- Kermit? Turn around.
- Hmm?

Are you really going
to go without me tonight?

Well, Fozzie, I figure this is something
that I have to do alone.

- No problem.
- Oh, good.

- Just hand me my cuff links.
- Yes, sir.

(SINGING) And straighten my tie

Just drench me in rich cologne

And don't ask me why

(COUGHS)

Go on and pluck me a boutonnière

You're moving up and walking on air

Steppin' out with a star
And feeling high

Come polish my wing tips

- And call for the car
- (WHISTLES)

I'll sweep her right off
Her feet wherever we are

A satin collar and velvet vest

I never settle for second best

Steppin' out with a star
Sad times, bye-bye

Have I got style? Mmm!

Have I got taste? Mmm!

On someone else, I swear

This savoir-faire
Would be such a waste

Come toss me my top hat

Yes, sir!

I'm ready to fly

Busting into the upper crust

As easy as pie

Just watch my dreams come true

This is something I was born to do

Steppin' out with a star
That star is you

(HUMS)

(SHADOW CONTINUES HUMMING)

- Have you got class?
- Have I got class?

- Have you got chic?
- Have I got chic?

To think that you and me were nobody

Why, only last week

Hey, guys!

(GONZO LAUGHS)

(EXCLAIMS)

I'm ready to fly

- Kermit!
- At least I can try.

Just watch my dreams come true

This is something I was born to do

Steppin' out with a star
Bye, bad times

Steppin' out with a star
Hey, good times

Steppin' out with a star
And feeling high

Yeah!

Well, how do I look?

Which one are you?

- I'm the one on the right.
- Oh.

Well, you look like you're gonna
have a terrific time.

Without me.

- Fozzie?
- What?

You can come.

- You mean it?
- Mmm-hmm.

Oh, boy!

Great news, gang. We can go!

(ALL CHEERING)

- (MILK BOTTLES CLATTER)
- (SHRIEKS)

(GRUNTS)

Awfully disappointing weather today.

Hmm?

The weather.
Awfully disappointing today.

Is it, is it?

Yes. Mmm, yes, yes.
I know what you mean.

It was rather disappointing yesterday.

And the day before.

(GLASS SHATTERS)

(GRUNTING)

What is it, Neville?

(GRUNTING AND STRAINING)

Um...

Pig, um...

Climbing up the outside
of the house, dear.

Oh.

(STRAINING)

Next time they want stunts,
they get a double.

The day before that
was awfully disappointing, too.

Mmm.

And of course the weekend
was perfectly frightful.

Never stopped raining.

(STRAINING)

- Neville?
- Hmm?

- Am I boring you?
- What, dear?

- I said, "Am I boring you"?
- Boring me? (STRAINED LAUGH)

Oh, that's a good one.

I'm having the time of my life, dear.

Neville, did you say

a pig was climbing up
the outside of the house?

Yes. Yes. Yes, I believe I did, yes.

I thought so.

NEVILLE: Oh, you'd have to look
a long way to find a chap

- who was more, um...
- (STRAINING)

- (PANTING)
- Stimulated than I am, yes.

- Oh, dear me, no, no, no.
- (SCREAMS)

The last time I was bored,
and never by you, my little armada...

- What was that?
- Just making a point, dear.

I mean, if I was bored I'd go out
and buy something, wouldn't I?

Like cheese or quails' eggs.

- Hmm, something like that.
- Yes, I suppose you would.

Yes, of course I would, dear.

That's the sort of spur-of-the-moment
fellow I am.

What?

Uh, what, dear?

What would you buy if you were bored?

Ah! Uh...

A jar of calf's-foot jelly?

I'd like to come with you
and help you pick one out.

Oh, that isn't necessary, Dorcas.

There's no need
for you to leave the house.

DORCAS: I wouldn't mind.

Haven't been outside for 12 years.

Well, the weather's been
most disappointing.

Still, there's no reason for me to stay
here all the time.

The children are gone,
the pets are dead,

the butler's been discharged,
no one ever visits us.

(RINGS DOORBELL)

That was the doorbell, Neville.

So it was.
And the butler's dead?

- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- DORCAS: No, no, no.

The pets are dead.
The butler's been discharged.

Ah.

(DOORBELL CONTINUES RINGING)

I think one of us should answer it,
Neville.

Oh, do you?

- Or we could both answer it.
- (LAUGHS)

Come, dear, I hardly think it's
necessary for both of us to...

I'll answer it!

I thought you said the pets were dead.

- Hello.
- Uh...

This is for you.

Oh, thank you.

Shall we go?

You know, I've never been inside
a real ritzy English house before.

- Aren't you hungry?
- Sure, but we've got a few minutes.

Okay, let's take a few minutes.

Say, nice place you got here.

Yes. I practically stole it.

Um, let me show you around.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Who was that guy back there?

- Just some sort of servant.
- Mmm-hmm.

Um, this, of course, is the drawing room.

Mmm-hmm.
Did you decorate this place yourself?

(SCREAMS)

MISS PIGGY: I'll just close the door.
It's very drafty.

Uh, there's a chair and some walls.

- A whirlwind tour, huh?
- Yes.

- This is the bedroom and, uh... Bath.
- Mmm-hmm.

MISS PIGGY: We have
hot and cold running water.

There's probably a bathtub
and everything.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Oh, here.
I want to show you something.

This is the closet.

Nice. Dark but nice.

(MISS PIGGY LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Ah. Sorry.

Uh, don't think me rude, but is there,
in fact, anything I can do for you at all?

Um...

Yes. Yes, yes. Ahem.

You may suggest a nice restaurant.

Ah. Well, there's the Dubonnet Club.

Actually that's not so much a restaurant,
more a supper club.

Ah. Thank you, Jeeves.

No time for cocktails.

Evening.

Why are you staring
into the closet, Neville?

Ah, you recall that pig I mentioned?

The one that was climbing up the side
of the house?

That's the chap.
That's the chap.

Yes, I seem to recall that.

Well, he was in there just now,

along with a... A lizard.

I see. And what did they want?

Name of a good restaurant.
I told them the Dubonnet Club.

That's more of a supper club
than a restaurant.

Yes, well, I tried to tell them that.

Don't blame yourself.

No. No.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey! There they are!

MUPPET: Whee!

Kermit and his new flame.

- Hubba hubba.
- Ding ding!

(BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY)

You'll have to jump in the front seat.

The back seat's been quarantined.

(ENGINE STARTS)

FLOYD: Let's hit the road.
How about a little traveling music?

JANICE: For sure. A love song.

ANIMAL: Love song, love song.

FLOYD: Hit it!

(NIGHT LIFE PLAYING)

(SCATTING)

DR. TEETH: (SINGING)
Give me my good friends

And play me my music

Yeah, give me my night life

Talk me that guitar
And roll me that boogie

Yeah, give me my night life

Are these your friends?

Just the ones on the fenders.

(SINGING GIBBERISH)

Sing me the good times
'Cause I need the feeling

Yeah, give me that night life

(CHEERING)

(HORN BLARING)

Give me my night life

Whoo, yeah!

Give me my night life

(ALL CHEERING)

They don't have to play this loud.

Oh, that's okay. They don't mind.

Sing me the good times
'Cause I need the feeling

Give me my night life

(ROARS)

Give me my night life

(ALL LAUGHING)

(BAND PLAYING JAZZ)

Boy, a classy place like this,

you'd think they'd have pretzels
on the table.

(FORCED LAUGH)

Well, what a delightful menu.

(GASPS)

What?

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
Nothing. It's just sort of amusing

that the roast beef
is the same price as an Oldsmobile.

You come here often, Lady Holiday?

Oh, only on special occasions.

And this is very special, Kermie.

Waiter! Champagne, caviar.

Hey, hey, Kermit.
How are we gonna pay for this?

You got about 1,600 bucks on you?

Hey, relax, Kermit. I'll take care of it.

(LAUGHS)

Say cheese! (LAUGHS)

There you go, folks.
Souvenir photograph.

Just gimme your name and address
and ten bucks.

Good evening, Lady Holiday.

- Such a pleasure to see you.
- Thank you, Stanley.

Why, what a lovely diamond necklace.

It is rather breathtaking, isn't it?

I thought it a little outré,

but my brother Nicky insisted
that I wear it.

Your table, Lady Holiday.

Thank you, Stanley.
Give Stanley a tip, Nicky.

For complimenting you
on your necklace?

No, because it is customary.

- I don't have any change.
- Then give him something bigger.

Bigger?

I left my wallet at home.

You left your wallet in college.

How about you, folks?

- Souvenir photograph?
- No thanks. No picture.

Aw, come on. It'll be a great memento
for you and your wife.

My wife isn't feeling very well.

Oh, that's too bad.
Maybe she should be at home.

My wife is at home.

(BABBLES)

Yes. Next table!

That caviar was yummy.

Mwah! Love those fish eggs!

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

- Uh, Lady Holiday?
- Oh. Yes?

Uh, can we talk about
the jewel robbery now?

Oh, Kermit.
Let us not talk business.

Music is in the air,
the night is young,

and I'm so beautiful.

What jewel robbery?

Uh, your jewels.
The ones that were stolen.

You know, you have lovely eyes.

You know, if you put enough sugar
in this stuff, it tastes just like ginger ale.

Catch you later, Stanley.

Aren't you happy we're here?

I have grave doubts about
wearing these jewels.

I feel as if thieves were
breathing down my neck.

Thieves aren't
breathing down your neck.

- I want to put them in a safe.
- No.

- Yes.
- Yes, I meant yes.

Why would I say no when I meant yes?

- Go and see Stanley.
- Go and see Stanley?

Go and see Stanley immediately.

All right. If that's what you want.

And don't forget to tip him.

Tip. Tip.

(APPLAUSE)

(THE FIRST TIME IT HAPPENS
PLAYING)

(SINGING) The first time you see her

No bolt from the blue

Just something so quiet

Yet waiting for you

With no one to tell you

That you've got to go

The first time it happens, you know

The first time you see her

No magical change

No angels appearing

No dreams to arrange

Just warmer and colder

Than springtime or snow

The first time it happens, you know

And so you fall

And how complete it is

And for each moment that it lasts

How sweet it is

The first time together

How simple, how rare

And just when you thought

You'd forgot how to care

And though you feel much more

Than you dare to show

The first time it happens, you know

Wow. She's fantastic.

The first time you see her

No magical change

No angels appearing

No dreams to arrange

Just warmer and colder

Than springtime or snow

The first time it happens, you know

What a great number!

Nicky?

That's my new receptionist
dancing out there.

- Which one?
- The pig.

She's sensational.

Forty-five words a minute.
About average.

(VOCALIZING)

And just when you thought

You'd forgot how to care

For the first time

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

- (TAP DANCES)
- A-ha!

(LAUGHS)

The first time it happens

The moment it happens

Then suddenly
There's a whole new world

The first time it happens

You know

MAN 1: Bravo!

MAN 2: Bravo!

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING IN SHOCK)

Aieee!

Lady Holiday! What's happened?

Was it you that screamed, "Aieee"?

- She screamed right into my ear.
- Of course I screamed.

Somebody's just stolen my necklace.

I told you this would happen.
That necklace was worth a fortune.

- Do something.
- What do you want me to do?

I spilled ketchup
all over my cummerbund.

For God's sake.
Straighten that tie.

It's Lady Holiday, her necklace,
it's been stolen.

"Lady Holiday"? But I thought...

Kermit. I think I've got
a picture of the thief.

- Oh, great.
- Yeah!

But...

(CAT SCREECHES)

This is great, Gonzo.

You popped the flash just before
the soup landed on his tie.

Yeah, well, photography's an art.

You gotta have the right film,

you gotta have the right exposure,

and you gotta scream just before
they get the food to their mouth.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

POPS: What's going on in there?

Lot of folks out here
want to use the rest room.

Well, we're developing these pictures.
We'll be out as soon as we finish.

- Ah, we're trying to catch a jewel thief.
- A jewel thief.

POPS: Well, catch him in another room.

People are dancing up and down
on one leg out here.

Hurry, Gonzo. There's gotta
be a picture of somebody

taking Lady Holiday's necklace.

Well, I don't know.
I still think that pig took it.

- Oh, she wouldn't steal.
- Why not? She lied.

That's two different things.

Besides, she couldn't
have stolen the necklace

- because she was dancing.
- (BANGING ON DOOR)

That's right.
There's that old adage,

you can't dance and steal
at the same time.

No, that's, "You can't walk
and chew gum at the same time."

Oh, no. I think it's,
"You can't pat your head

"and rub your stomach
at the same time."

What's the difference?
She didn't steal the necklace.

- I bet you I can do it.
- Do what?

Pat my head and rub my stomach
at the same time.

Big deal,
anybody can do that.

Would you guys cut it out?
We're wasting time.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

(SHOUTING)

- Hey, here it is.
- What? What? What? What?

Oh, look at that.
It's that guy sitting next to Lady Holiday

and those girls
standing in the back.

It's probably the same gang
that pulled that first job.

- Wow!
- Yes, and we got them

with their hands in the cookie jar.

(LAUGHS)

(CLAMORING)

What's going on?

FLOYD: What is this, anyway?

Aw.

The cookie jar just busted.

Look, Dad. There's a bear.

No, Christine, that's a frog.

Bears wear hats.

(SIGHS)

(FOOTSTEPS)

- How you doing, young fella?
- Oh...

Okay, I guess.

Penny for your thoughts.

Well, it's a long story.

- But a familiar one, I bet.
- Mmm.

Older than the hills.

I've been there, my friend.

- I've been there and back.
- Mmm.

You know, I see the way
you're sitting here

and I see the way you've
got your hand around that little shoe,

and that's all I need.
I know your whole story.

Mmm, you do?

Absolutely.

I know exactly what happened to you.

What?

Well, I tell you, friend.

What happened was you
and your brother-in-law Bernie,

you cashed in your stock certificates

and your insurance policy

and you went out and bought
a dry-cleaning establishment.

Mmm?

Now, another place
opens up down the street

and it's charging less.

And they're getting the stuff out faster
because they got more help.

- It's not your fault. Right?
- Mmm.

All right. So Bernie
comes to you, he says,

"I want you to buy me out."

He says he's fed up.

Well, your kids are growing up,
you never see 'em,

and all of a sudden they're turning into
juvenile delinquents,

and your wife is saying to you,

"Listen, you care more
about this lousy business

"than you care about me."

And the equipment breaks down

and your sister moves in with you

because that jerk Bernie,
he went and joined the circus.

Well, you had it up to here, right?

You didn't know what to do.

So what did you do?

- You did the only thing you could do.
- Mmm.

You dumped the business
for a song.

- And who did you sell it to?
- Who?

You sold it to that jerk down the street,

that slob that had been
burying you for a year.

Then you took whatever
money you had left

and you sunk it into
the glass slipper business.

That's your story, my friend.

Not a happy one, is it?

Mmm-mmm.

You know, it's amazing.
You are 100% wrong.

I mean, nothing you've
said has been right.

Oh, yeah?

Well, how about this...

I hate to be rude, but, uh,
we're trying to do a movie here.

- Oh, yeah?
- Mmm-hmm.

Oh, I didn't know that.
Gee, I'm sorry.

Listen, one thing, son.

Would you like to buy a watch?

No.

Movie stars.

MISS PIGGY:
Get your filthy hands off me!

(SPLASH)

I beg your pardon, young lady!

Just keep your hands
to yourself, turkey.

KERMIT: Hey, you.

(GASPS)

Well, well, well.
If it isn't the fake Lady Holiday.

Hello.

"Hello"? Last night you
never even said goodbye.

Oh, Kermit, that was just silliness.
(CHUCKLES)

But you lied to me. You used me.

Oh, Kermit, please,
let me explain. Kermit.

- My name is Miss Piggy. I am a model.
- Yeah.

I only lied because
I wanted to be with you.

Yeah, well, I saw the way you were
dancing with that guy last night.

- Oh, Kermit.
- Well, lemme tell you something.

Your dancing partner
happens to be a jewel thief.

What do you think of that?

- You're jealous.
- I am not.

You are. You are,
you are, you are, you are.

(EXASPERATED SIGH)

Oh, Kermit, I'm sorry.
Oh, please don't go, Kermit. Please.

- Mmm.
- Please don't go. Kermit, please.

Oh, please, I'm sorry. Please.

- Piggy. Piggy, hold it.
- Please, please, please.

- Piggy. Piggy?
- Please, please, please.

- You're overacting.
- What?

You're overacting.
You're hamming it up.

I am not. I am trying
to save this movie.

Oh, yeah? Well, save your
performance instead.

I am playing 800 different emotions.

Well, try to play one of them right.

Oh, oh! I have a career of my own.

I know all about your career, Pig.

I don't need this lousy duck pond here.

Sure you don't need a lousy duck pond.

- I'll just walk.
- Okay, sure. Go ahead, walk. Okay?

- Should I walk? Then I'll walk.
- Walk! Go ahead and walk.

(MISS PIGGY WHIMPERS)

Oh, Piggy.

- Listen.
- I'm doing my best.

I know you are.

Piggy, I'm sorry.
We gotta get back to the movie though.

All right. All right, all right, all right.

(SIGHS)

Kermit, I'm sorry I left you
last night at the nightclub.

Oh, well, that's okay, Piggy.

- Oh, Kermie.
- Oh, Piggy.

(COULDN'T WE RIDE? PLAYING)

(SINGING) Pretty day, sunny sky

Lovely pictures dance in your eye

It all seems so right

It all feels so rare

Summer soft sudden breeze

Watch the wind play tag in the trees

The world is so bright

So perfectly fair

Lovers sing, children dance

For a minute we've got a chance

Why couldn't we fly?

I know we'd get by

(ECHOING) Couldn't we fly?

Sunny sky, pretty day

Just a push and we're on the way

Yes, couldn't we ride

Side by side?

Whoa!

"Look, Ma, no brains."

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hup. Whoo!

Miss Piggy. Whoa.

Wah! Oof!

(CRASH)

Why couldn't we fly?

I know we'd get by

- Sunny sky
- Pretty day

Just a push and we're on the way

Yes, couldn't we ride

Side by side?

Couldn't we ride?

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Gangway! Watch it. Coming through.

She's wonderful. She's so wonderful.

She certainly seems to know
where she's going. It's time.

All right, everybody.
Keep it moving. Don't linger.

We just want to give them
a hint, a taste, a soupçon.

Appetizers not four-course meals.

Marie. I don't think
we should chew gum.

Stephanie, those false eyelashes
are coming unglued.

Those shoes are scuffed.

- I know where they are. I'll get them...
- Sorry.

Watch it, buster.
Oh. Mr. Holiday, I'm sorry.

- Hello.
- (CHUCKLES)

- Miss...
- Piggy.

- Miss Piggy?
- Right.

Of course.

- Have dinner with me tonight.
- (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

Mr. Holiday, really, I'm very busy.

- Could we meet just for a moment?
- Underwear, underwear, underwear.

Just one brief moment, Miss Piggy.
Miss...

- Hmm?
- Miss Piggy.

You're a very different-looking woman.

I'm so tired of the same type.
Those tall, thin creatures

with the long legs, the aquiline noses,

the teeth like pearls, soft skin.

Yeah, well, I can see why that might
make you sick to your stomach.

- Please now... Please...
- Miss Piggy.

No! Please! No. Please, please.

Don't put a door between us.

(KERMIT CLEARS THROAT)

- Hi.
- Oh, Kermit.

I was looking for the men's room.

Kermit, I just want you to meet
someone. This is Nicky Holiday.

Mr. Holiday, this is Kermit,
my special friend.

Oh.

Nice to meet you.

Well, excuse me.

Hmm.

- Need I say more?
- He's a frog, isn't he?

Yes.

Miss Piggy.

We could've had something
very, very special.

Now, I can't be responsible
for what might happen.

Yeah, well, uh, c'est la vie.

I don't know why you
love her like you do.

I don't know why. I just do.

(SIGHS)

Well, you'd better snap out of it,
and fast.

We've got to plant the goods
on her to take the heat off us.

I know the plan.
I just wish there was another way.

It's the only way. Especially now
the cops are starting to ask questions.

Okay, I'll do my job.
When I give the signal, you do yours.

Forgive me, Miss Piggy. (SIGHS)

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

Am I dressed right for this?

- You look fine, Fozzie.
- Thank you.

LADY HOLIDAY: And now,

without further ado,

roses, hyacinths,

lilacs and bluebells

- make up our first fashion bouquet.
- Ooh!

Pretty nice lines, huh?

Yes and the dresses
aren't bad either.

LADY HOLIDAY:
Here's capricious Carla,

a dream in hyacinth-blue chiffon

with the classic allure
of the white pleated collar and cuffs.

The skirt, a flutter of godets,

all complemented
by the cloudy folds of blue

forming the perfect
flower-framing hat.

Fantastique.
And thank you, Carla.

Pretty good-looking duds.

I found the white pleated collar alluring,

but I was rather taken aback
by the flutter of godets.

Mmm-hmm.

And now here's delicious Darla

in a swirl of apricot silk

above a tight bodice
with a cleverly draped décolletage.

Finishing with roses

to match the confection of flowers
and silk on her head,

forming a teeny-weeny hat.

Oh. Ow! My knee. I think I've twisted it.

You all right? You've got to get up!
You've got to go on!

I can't go on!

(GASPS) Oh! You poor thing.

Oh, don't worry, Marla.
I'll stay right here with you.

You can't.
You've got to go on in her place.

(THUD)

(APPLAUSE)

And now, the Lady Holiday
swimwear collection.

(SNORING)

Hey, Waldorf, wake up.
Here come the bikinis.

Oh, boy. We'd better
synchronize our pacemakers.

A cloud of lavender starburst pleating
surrounds our next model.

- (GASPS OF DELIGHT)
- (APPLAUSE)

MAN: Oh, I say!

(VOCALIZING)

(MISS PIGGY'S FANTASY PLAYING)

(SINGING) A miracle of spring

A miracle of beauty

Be dazzled by the magic of one smile

A vision of loveliness

A universe of charms

We'll never rest until you're in our arms

(VOCALIZING)

NICKY: Daffodils, Miss Piggy

Whippoorwills, Miss Piggy

Everything that's lovely
Warm and spring, Miss Piggy

Fantasy, Miss Piggy

Ecstasy, Miss Piggy

All that's fair or fine or wonderful

Or anything, Miss Piggy

Where does the rapture
Begin and grow?

Where does
Devotion and passion go?

Happiness, Miss Piggy

One caress, Miss Piggy

All the world's ever wanted was you

A dream come true

Oh, Miss Piggy, it's you

Where does the rapture
Begin and grow?

Where does
Devotion and passion go?

Happiness, Miss Piggy

One caress, Miss Piggy

All the world's ever wanted was you

A dream come true

(VOCALIZING)

Oh, Miss Piggy, it's you

It's you

- (SPLASH)
- (ALL GASP)

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

Oh, Miss Piggy, are you okay?

Yeah, sure. I was just looking
for my contact lens. (CHUCKLES)

- Excuse me. Excuse me.
- (MISS PIGGY SNEEZING)

KERMIT: Oh, dear. Oh, you poor thing.

Excuse me. Here, put this on.

- You'll get a chill.
- Thank you very much.

- You all right?
- I don't know what happened.

I must've tripped.

Wait a minute. What's this?

I don't think these belong to me.

Do you recognize this?

That was my necklace.
But where are the diamonds?

- Where are the diamonds?
- Miss Piggy stole my necklace.

(ALL GASP)

- No.
- Miss Piggy, how could you?

No! No! I don't know anything about it!

Somebody must've put it... You!

- It was you! Kermit was right.
- Oh, no, no, no!

You're a phony! Yes, you are.

And you know what?

You can't even sing!
Your voice was dubbed.

Watch out, guys. Kermit!

Don't worry, Miss Piggy.
We'll get you out of this.

It just goes to show
you can't trust anybody.

Excuse me, Lady Holiday,
will you be hiring any more pigs?

Well, I shall certainly
think twice about it.

Kermit, find out if they'll
let me keep the costumes.

What about your most
famous piece of jewelry,

the fabulous Baseball Diamond?

As from Monday,
the fabulous Baseball Diamond

will go on permanent display
at the Mallory Gallery.

I shall never have it either on my person

or in my possession again.

That's right. It'll be in our possession.

Tuesday at midnight
we'll go to the Mallory Gallery.

The Baseball Diamond will be ours.

(ALL LAUGHING EVILLY)

GONZO: So there I was,
backstage under a table.

I was doing a little
photographic essay on kneecaps,

and I heard 'em planning
to steal the Baseball Diamond.

(ALL GASP)

JANICE: Bummer.

- So what's the plan, man?
- I already told you.

Tuesday, midnight,
at the Mallory Gallery.

- That's all I know.
- (OVERLAPPING CONVERSATIONS)

You mean they're really gonna
try to steal the diamond?

- Quiet!
- (ALL FALL SILENT EXCEPT JANICE)

"Look, Mother, it's my life, okay?

"So if I want to live on a beach
and walk around naked..."

Oh.

Now, if we wanna get
Miss Piggy out of jail,

we're gonna have to catch
those thieves red-handed.

Yes, Beau?

What color are their hands now?

(ALL GROAN)

Now, we're about to embark
on a potentially dangerous mission.

There could be physical violence,
there could be gunplay,

and there's a slightest chance
that somebody might even get killed.

So if anybody wants out,
now is the time to say it.

- I'm out.
- Me, too.

- Ditto.
- Meep.

Don't we have a gig around here,
or something or somewhere?

Yeah, sorry.
I got a dental appointment.

- It's like this, Kermit.
- I have to go to work all day.

(ALL TALK AT ONCE)

Hold it!

Shame on you.

I thought we were
in this thing together.

I'm just as scared as you are,
but this has to be done.

We don't want the bad guys to win.

We've got to do this for justice.

For freedom.

For honesty.

Boy, do I feel ashamed.

Me, too. I feel like two cents.

- I'm back in.
- You can count on me.

Oh, hey, I was only joking.

Yeah, it'll be a lot of fun
to go out there and risk our lives.

- Yeah!
- All for one and one for all.

Yeah!

At times like this
I am proud to be an American.

Hmm.

Thank you. I knew I could count
on each and every one of you.

(FOZZIE WHIMPERS)

Fozzie, are you okay?

That took a lot out of me.

Okay. Now we don't have any time
to waste, so everybody gather 'round.

And the first thing we have
to do is make our plans.

- Right.
- ALL: Whoa!

MUPPET: (MUFFLED)
Or we could get some sleep.

(GLASS SHATTERS)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

WOMAN: Miss Piggy?

What?

Your lawyer is here to see you.

Lawyer? I don't have a lawyer.

Ah, sure you do. Little green guy.

Kermie! Oh! No wonder
he hasn't come by to see me.

He had to finish law school.

(DOOR OPENS)

Oh, Kermit! Oh!

Two minutes, pig.

Oh, Kermie.
Oh, I've missed you so.

Please.
The name is Rosenthal.

I'm your attorney. That's the only way
they'd let me in here.

Oh, right.

Oh, I've missed you so... Rosenthal.
It's been an eternity.

It's been 45 minutes.

Time goes slow in the cooler.

Well, I just want you to know
that we're gonna get you out of here,

'cause we're gonna catch
those thieves red-handed.

What color are their hands now?

I don't think this is the time
for that type of humor.

When you're in stir

you take the laughs
when you can get 'em, Rosenthal.

Yeah, well, anyway, just stay put

because we've got a plan
and we're gonna prove you're innocent.

You see, tomorrow night,
precisely at midnight,

those thieves are gonna try to steal
Lady Holiday's Baseball Diamond

- from the Mallory Gallery.
- (GASPS)

- And we're gonna stop 'em.
- Oh, Kermit, be careful.

Don't worry because
I've got Gonzo and Fozzie

and all our friends from
the Happiness Hotel to help.

- Those clowns?
- Mmm-hmm.

Great. I'll be stuck
in the big house for life.

"Big house"?
Is that prison talk?

Yeah, "big house,"
"squealer," "slammer."

That's the lingo
we use here in the joint.

Yeah. Well, you may
talk tough, Miss Piggy,

but underneath I know
you're still the same beautiful,

sensitive, vulnerable woman
I was out with the other night.

The one who scarfed down
all that caviar.

(SIGHS)

You have such a way with words.

I love you, Rosenthal.

(KISS NOISILY)

You're wearing my mustache.

Yeah, well, you have
mesh marks on your face.

NICKY: Glass cutter?
CARLA: Check.

- Nylon rope?
- Check.

- Computer deprogrammer?
- Check.

- Stopwatch?
- Check.

- Pocket laser?
- Check.

- Infrared reflex?
- Check.

- Portable detonator?
- Check.

- Whoopee cushion?
- I think it's in the bus.

- Rubber raft?
- It's got holes in it.

- Bag of chickens?
- (SQUAWKS)

- Fake vomit?
- It's on order.

(ALL GROAN IN DISGUST)

- Frisbee?
- Oh, uh, lost.

- Pneumatic drill?
- Check.

- Computer printout?
- Check.

- Radar gun?
- Check.

- Walkie-talkies?
- ALL: Check.

(SIGHS)

- Wax lips?
- Man, I just had 'em.

Did you leave them
in your other pants?

- I don't have no other pants.
- (ALL GROAN)

- Yoyo?
- For sure.

- Harpoon gun?
- That's you.

Check.

All right, team.

Let's go for it.

- Peanut butter?
- Animal ate it.

- Sorry.
- (ALL GROAN)

Well, Kermit, I guess that's it.

All right, everybody.

- Let's go for it.
- (CHEERING)

(CRASHING)

(GLASS SHATTERS)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

BOTH: Go for it!

(STRAINING)

(SIGHS)

(CHEERING)

(CRUNCH)

KERMIT: Beauregard.

Back it up here.

(TIRES SCREECH)

- (ALL WHISPER EXCITEDLY)
- MUPPET: Shh. Shh.

GONZO: Okay. Quiet.
MUPPET: Shh!

KERMIT: Okay. You guys
all got your disguises in place?

Shh.

ALL: Wow.

Oh!

- Wow!
- ALL: Shh.

- I'm taking a picture.
- Shh.

Rowlf, hand me the blowtorch.

Blowtorch?
Who said anything about a blowtorch?

I got some paper towels.

How are we supposed
to cut through the bars

if nobody brought stuff to cut with?

I brought some hot mustard.
Maybe that'll eat through the bars.

Eat through the bars!

- Animal?
- What?

Hey. Why don't you see if you can
eat through these iron bars.

Eat through bars.

(GROWLING)

(BARKING)

(GRUNTS)

- Doggy!
- (ALL SCREAM)

- FOZZIE: The cops!
- (ALL YELL)

Do you know where Lady Holiday's
Baseball Diamond is being kept?

Funnily enough, I do.
It's at the Mallory Gallery,

a virtually impregnable fortress,

- many miles from here.
- Oh.

I only have a half
an hour to get there.

On foot? You'll never make it.

I know. How about a ride?

You can read, I presume?

(READING)

Oh, couldn't you
make an exception for little old moi?

Not even for little old vous. (LAUGHS)

- Pretty please?
- No!

I've tried to be nice.

- Huh?
- Hi-yah!

(TRUCK DRIVES OFF)

Hey.

What's all the racket?

What are you doing here?

A very brief cameo.

Me, too. (TUTS)

(WHIRS)

Breaker one, this is Hamhock.
Do you read me?

Loud and clear, Hamhock.

This is Dirty Bird.
What's your 20, over?

Well, good buddy,
we're westbound out of Highgate.

Any smokies between me
and Blimeytown?

Negatory, Hamhock.
You're free and clear.

Ten-four, Dirty Bird. Much obliged.

We got the hammer down
and we gone.

I never ordered no pepperoni.

It's right here on the slip.
Medium pepperoni with double cheese.

(ITALIAN ACCENT)
That'sa right. We don'ta make them,

- we justa deliver them.
- Mmm-hmm.

Somebody here called
Pizza Twins, and that's us.

What's the name on that slip?

Uh...

- What's your name?
- Henderson.

- That's it! That's the name on the slip.
- Ah.

Uh...

- But I hate pepperoni.
- I'll eat it.

- Stand by, guys.
- MUPPETS: Right!

(BEEPS)

Ooh.

'Ere. Just one moment.

Can I see that slip?

Uh...

Uh, well... (CLEARS THROAT)

Actually, this is the wrong slip.

That slip, sir,
you said it had my name on it.

Oh, thata slip.

Uh, uh, uh, thata slip we left at home.

But we gota the pepperoni.

- But I hate pepperoni.
- Hate pepperoni. Right.

How about you could
feed it to the dogs?

Oh, yes. That'sa right. Here, sir.

Oh, that's very thoughtful of you.

Thank you very much, sir.

(CLUNK)

(ENGINE LOSES POWER)

What am I?
A glutton for punishment?

- Hey, Fozzie...
- Shh!

Fozzie, how do we get in?

Why don't we just ring the doorbell?

No, no, no. There's
got to be another way.

Well, you'd better
think of it pretty quick.

Those dogs have nearly
finished the pizza.

I know. The roof.

Oh, man.
No way we'll ever get up there.

(DOGS BARK)

(ALL SCREAM)

(BARKING CONTINUES)

(ALL BREATHE HEAVILY)

GONZO: Phew.

So far I'm not having any fun.

Let me talk to 'em.

Woof woof. Woof woof.

(WHINES)

(ALL SIGH)

It helps to know a second language.

(LAUGHS)

(SIGHS) It's nearly midnight.

What am I going to do?

Hey! Hey, you! Hey!

What an unbelievable coincidence.

(WHIRRING)

(BEEPING)

Now, this window probably
has an alarm system on it.

Ah, my assistant Beaker will check it out.

- Go on, Beaker.
- (SIGHS)

(BELL DINGS)

(SCREAMS)

(BEEPING)

(GASPING)

Very good, Beaker.
Now it's perfectly safe.

Oh, good. Animal, do your stuff.

(STRAINS)

ANIMAL: Sorry.

There it is.
The fabulous Baseball Diamond.

SCOOTER: How are we
gonna get down there?

I suggest we jump.

Are you crazy?
That's about a hundred feet.

I didn't say it was a good suggestion.

Maybe we could jump partway.

Oh, boy, what do we do now?

We're just gonna have to go down there
and catch those thieves red-handed.

What color are their hands now?

We'll just have to improvise.

We'll make a ladder out of
whatever will hold us.

Good idea. Here's the paper towels.

I'm coming, Kermie!

(SIREN WAILING)

Well, you wanted excitement.

(WAILING CONTINUES)

Excuse me, I don't think
that belongs to you.

(ALL SHOUT)

Say cheese!

Woman!

Hey, nice catch, Animal.

- Heads up, Lew.
- Over here, Rowlf! Yeah, got it!

Hot potato! Keep away. Here we go.

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

I got it. Thank you. Be careful, guys.

Catch it. Get him!

(CLUCKING)

(LAUGHS)

Still got a good eye.

Welcome to the wild world
of Muppet sports.

This is Louis Kazagger
with a play-by-play

- of the game.
- Woman!

And it looks like ladies' night
here at the gallery.

- Peekaboo.
- Hey! Ba-ba-do-be-bop.

Okay. Here she comes, boy!

(FRIGHTENED MEEPS)

(CHUCKLING)

Hey, way to chuck,
way to look, way to move!

Popcorn, popcorn.
Get your red-hot popcorn.

(SPEAKS MOCK SWEDISH)

Popcorn, chicken?

Woman! (LAUGHS)

Woman!

Okay, okay.

Lew Zealand leads off the order
as we join the game.

ALL: Whoa!

Chuck it to me, Beakie baby.

Pitchy witchy, Beaker.

Pitcher, you couldn't hit
the broad side of a barn!

Picture of the pitcher.

Wait for what you want, Lew, baby.

Rah, rah, rah!

Beaker goes into the windup.

It's the pitch.

- It's a high fly ball to Kermit the Frog.
- (ALL CHEERING)

I got it. I got it. I got it.

Hey, gimme that diamond,
you crook.

- Come on, guys. Get him.
- (ALL YELL)

- All right. Back off!
- Ooh!

But, Nicky, why are you doing this?

Why am I doing this? Because
I'm a villain. It's pure and simple.

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Holiday, sir.
Would you let Kermit go?

If you hold him too long
he'll just give you warts.

Oh, no. He's coming with us.

Come on, girls. Let's get out of here.

(MOTORBIKE APPROACHES)

(ALL GASP)

(ALL CHEER)

Hi-yah!

(YELLS)

Hi-yah!

- Hi-yah!
- Ow!

FOZZIE: Watch out!

KERMIT: Miss Piggy!

- FOZZIE: Yeah! Way to go!
- (MUPPETS CHEERING)

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

(MUPPETS TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(ALL CHEERING)

Bye-bye.

- You were magnificent, Miss Piggy.
- I did it all for you.

- Could I have just a moment?
- Oh, thank you.

Por nada.

Oh.

- I really did care for you, you know.
- I know.

We could've had the world
on a silver platter.

That silver's turned to iron bars, Nicky.

Don't hate me, Miss Piggy.

Oh, I don't. It's just that
somehow along the road

I found out the difference
between wrong and right.

You're wrong...

He's right.

Huh. Would you believe it, Statler?

They're heroes.
Now they're gonna be obnoxious.

- So what else is new?
- (BOTH LAUGH)

Well, I say all's well that ends well.

It doesn't matter to me
as long as it ends.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(SIGHS)

It was nice of The Chronicle
to pay for our flight home.

Yeah, but a man should be
treated better than his luggage.

Yeah, well, my luggage
was sucked out the door.

Luckily my radio's frozen to my wrist.

Okay, guys.
Everybody out for the USA.

Oh, boy. How close are we?

- Oh, about 30,000 feet.
- (ALL GASP)

- KERMIT: You mean...
- Yup.

Happy landing!

Whoa!

Come on, carrot top.

(HEY, A MOVIE PLAYING)

- (SINGING) We've had comedy
- We've had mystery

We've had a real good time
and solved a crime real easily

- Hey, a movie
- I just can't believe they did it

- Starring everybody
- And me!

- There was spectacle
- There was fantasy

- Where we took a chance
- And saw romance end happily

In a movie

Oh, Kermie!

I just love a happy ending

- One for everybody
- Everybody

- Everybody
- Everybody

Everybody in the world

- And me.
- And me.

- And me.
- (MEEPS)

And me.

- And me.
- And me.

- (SPEAKS MOCK SWEDISH)
- And me.

- And me.
- And me.

And me.

(THE FIRST TIME IT HAPPENS
PLAYING)

Just warmer and colder

Than springtime or snow

The first time it happens, you know

And so you fall

And how complete it is

And for each moment that it lasts

How sweet it is

Wait a minute!
Wait! Hold it right there.

Don't go home yet.

Say cheese.

I'll send you each a copy.