All language subtitles for Watch Asylum- Twisted Horror and Fantasy Tales (2020) - Free Movies - Tubi

Thank you.

Good afternoon, my darling sons of
bitches.

Let me introduce myself.

My name is Brandon, and I'll be trying
to entertain you over the next hour.

You've probably never heard of me.

That wouldn't be a surprise, because I'm
nobody.

They say time flies when you're having
fun, so this will seem like forever,

because my jokes suck.

But please stay until the end.

We have so much to talk about.

and I have a surprise for you.

Let me tell you a story about how I came
to be here.

Once upon a time, I was married to a
beautiful woman named Philippa.

She was everything you could hope for in
a woman.

She was adorable.

Everybody loved her.

All our friends, however, wondered,
what's she doing with a jerk like me?

And they were right.

I was a shy, boring guy.

obsessed with my work, stuck in my ways,
who never had anything interesting to

say.

Are there any accountants out there?

We really are the most boring
motherfuckers, you know.

Did you hear that story about the woman
that went to the doctor for a checkup?

The doctor told her she only has six
months left to live.

She's crying. She's desperate. She said,
Doctor!

There must be something I could do.

Sure, said the doctor. You could marry
an accountant.

What? Will he make me live longer?

No, said the doctor, but he'll make your
last six months here seem like an

eternity.

So one day, Philippa woke up and thought
to herself, they're right.

I am beautiful and adorable, and I do
shine like a star on a cloudless night.

What am I doing with this jerk?

So she dropped me like a hot tamale.

And this tamale fell far.

I'd never been with another woman
besides Philippa.

And when she left me, I was alone and
hopeless.

And then one day, I found a flyer on the
ground that said, Stand up.

And here I stand.

Don't I kill as a comedian?

Are you having a good time?

Let me tell you a story about George C.
Parker.

Have you heard of him?

He was a legendary con man in New York
City who could sell anything to anyone.

At the turn of the 20th century, he
became infamous for selling rich

tourists the Brooklyn Bridge.

They say he even sold one Russian
billionaire the Statue of Liberty.

Well, right now, I feel like George C.
fucking Parker.

So listen very carefully, because I have
tremendous, fabulous,

wonderful story to tell.

How was that?

Was I, like, too much gurgling, or...?
Uh, no, no, no, it was fine.

Oh, hey, any chance I could get my SAG
card after this?

Yeah, and I'll be getting my acceptance
letter to the Director's Guild any day

now.

Hey, look on the bright side. You get to
work with the world-famous Father Lance.

You'll be saved from the forces of
darkness in front of millions of

viewers.

Where do you want the rest of these
cables?

They're fine where they are. Just make
sure you're wired up. And don't forget

to mic up our starlet here.

Do you want me to moan more?

I can, like, no problem.

You're doing fine, Hayley.

Okay.

Heather.

Hey, Freshie, get ready.

We're hitting Ramden 30.

You guys go and help me. I'll meet you
there.

You're going to miss pregame.

. . . . .

. . .

Bryce, want me to take it away?

But, Dad, the cleansing hour is almost
on.

First, you finish your dinner.

Vegetables, too. Come on.

God damn it, Lance.

Somebody call for an exorcist?

Well, hey, sugar. Where the hell you
been, man? We're live in four.

I was... counseling?

Is that fucking lipstick?

Oh, you know, you can't resist a man in
uniform.

Tell me again why I put up with your
shit.

I'll give you five million reasons in
climbing.

Yeah, and if one of those reasons
happens to snap a pic of Father Lance

with his hand down some IHOP waitress's
skirt, we're done. It's over.

Drew, that's offensive.

I'm a Denny's man.

What? Would you watch it? That's our
lifeline. What is your deal today?

I think he's just trying to say you
should show more respect for technology.

Who the fuck's that guy?

Braden.

Sound.

What happened to Chris?

He's under the weather.

Asked me to fill in. Okay, well, just
don't get your boom in my shot.

And make sure you send an NDA for him.

Wow. Forgive me. Lord, I have sinned.
It's been 90 seconds. I haven't

introduced myself.

I'm Lance.

Heather.

Oh. Um, me too.

Heather, it's a beautiful name. He's
going to shove these up your nose.

I'm going to place these in your nose.
They'll dissolve after five minutes.

Instant nose weave. Drew will direct
you.

Thank you.

I'm going to move your hair a second bit
within your hair. Okay.

Sorry. I was in the dock for a time.

No problem.

This looks legit.

Where'd it come from? Found it at a
garage sale.

30 seconds. Take your mark, Padre.

All right, guys, let's make it a quick
one. I got a day with destiny tonight.

Probably not a real name. Oh, Jesus.

Drew, don't take the Lord's name in
vain. Okay, 10 seconds.

You ready, Heather?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, in three, two, one.

I cast you out in the name of the Lord
Jesus Christ.

You are at the mercy of the Creator.

Welcome to the Cleansing Hour.

I'm Father Lance, your guide through
these troubling times.

Tonight, we bring you Sabrina.

An innocent soul tortured.

By the only family she'd ever known.

Molested by her father, beaten by her
mother, Sabrina sought escape from her

unimaginable pain in the form of drugs,
alcohol, and ultimately, prostitution.

The enemy of God exploited her frailty

and took control of her body. But
tonight...

By the grace of God, with my help and
your prayers, Sabrina will be rid of

this evil.

Okay, that's great, Heather.

Put your head down. Whatever they can't
see will terrify them.

In nomine Patris, et filiae Spiritus
Sanctus.

Sabrina is exhibiting incredible
strength and aggression. This could be a

stage four possession.

I command you, unclean spirit, by the
mysteries of the incarnation, passion,

the resurrection, and the ascension of
our Lord Jesus Christ, that you tell me

your name and obey me to the letter.

Speak your name, demon.

Heather, your demon name is... Love God.

Repeat, love of God.

Your name, demon.

Speak!

Damn, Heather, very nice. Tell me your
name. In the name of our Lord Jesus

Christ!

Go with it. Her name was Thoth.

Heather, I appreciate your enthusiasm,
but please stick to the script.

What on earth are you two watching?

You got poison?

Thoth, abhorrent slime of hell, servant
of Satan.

See the cross of the Lord Jesus and
submit to the authority of the Almighty.

Fight, Sabrina.

Fight. Do not give in. Fight.

That

wasn't me.

It must have slipped.

But you follow the masses.

You worship the world and the bounty it
provides.

You're nothing but a pawn in the eyes of
a great one.

Silence!

Silence, demon! I cast you out in the
name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Be gone and depart from Sabrina, who is
but an innocent creature of God.

For it is he who commands you.

He who flung you from the heights of
heaven to the depths of hell.

The fuck?

Hearken, therefore, and tremble in fear,
for you are at the mercy of the creator

of all things.

Submit and depart from us.

Holy shit.

Heather?

I don't think she's acting.

I've got to end transmission.

Don't you dare.

Look at the numbers.

Help me, Father.

Please.

We've got to fix this.

We're the fourth one.

Thirteen million people are going to
watch this girl die. Who do you think

they're going to blame?

Help me, Father.

I'm in a book.

I'm the exorcist, right?

Read it out loud. Yeah.

Propel.

Propel, O Lord, the devil's power.

Break asunder his snares and traps.

Put the unholy tempter to flight.

I cast you out, demons!

Be gone! Be gone! Be gone! Depart from
us in the name of Jesus Christ!

Sabrina. Are you with us?

Sabrina.

Sabrina, are you with us?

You did good, Heather.

You did good.

I did it.

I fucking did it.

So God created man in his image, and
then he created woman.

And he said unto them, Go forth, be
fruitful, and multiply, and populate the

earth, and subdue it.

And so we did.

We fucked like rabbits, populated the
planet, and fucked it all up.

Out of the mouths of babes and the
Bible.

Words hurt, huh?

Man's words hurt even more because
they're filled with nothing more than

lies and bad intentions.

Why don't you just give up and let the
demon enter your body?

And you, demon, why do you hesitate to
enter this woman?

She's not as bad as the others.

Jesus, being an exorcist is really
tough.

I mean, a real nightmare.

We used to have to convince the demon
out of the body.

But now we're so fucked up, they're too
scared to possess us.

Of course, it's all God's fault.

He's the workaholic.

I mean, he could have been like everyone
else and worked Monday to Friday. But

no, he's an overachieving asshole who
wanted to work six days a week and only

rest on Sundays.

We could have been so cool, but he was
in such a rush. No, he made us human.

There are many others like him that take
things too seriously, work more than

they need to, slaves to their job.

These workaholics are the ones you have
to watch, especially the evil ones.

creepy.

Hello?

Dave? I don't have my fucking Bluetooth.

What are you doing?

Uh, well, I'm talking to you on the
phone and driving over to your place.

You know you're late, by the way.

Yeah, well, I might have had to make a
stop.

What for?

I got you something.

Last time I got a gift from you, it was
a football ticket.

Yeah, and those were really good seats.

You know I don't watch football.

What? What do you mean you don't watch
football? Since when? That was a fun

day. I got us on the kiss cam, we had
beers, I got you those fucking nachos

you wanted.

Being romantic is not your thing.

Come on. Come on. Don't hit me. What the
fuck is wrong with you? Are you doing

fucking steroids or what? Oh, my God.

That is what you get for being an idiot.

Oh, my God. You're so adorable when
you're upset.

What if I had a knife in my hand?

What if you had a knife in your hand? I
don't know.

What would happen?

Maybe you'd stab me and cut me right
here and I'd get blood all over you.

You'd get all wet.

I got your bear.

You are so creepy.

His name's Bill.

Bill? Mm-hmm.

Um, Billy's not a cute name for a bear.
I think it's a cute name for a bear.

And I got you flowers.

Does that make up for it?

It's a start. Am I romantic enough for
you?

Yeah.

I like how my shirt looks on you, by the
way.

Really? It's pretty hot.

Yeah.

But I'm going to need it back right now.

I need you to take it off.

Oh. Should I just take it off? Like
right now, yeah. Yeah? Yeah.

Just like right now?

Yeah, like right now.

That's good. That's a good start.

A couple more buttons.

Help me! Help me!

I love you.

Thank you.

Sorry, I hadn't had breakfast.

Anyway, back to the story of Philippa. I
always wanted to be a

father.

I wanted children with all my heart.

But Philippa didn't.

She was perfect.

Being pregnant would ruin her figure.

and she would probably lose followers on
Instagram.

After we divorced, Philippa quickly
moved on and started dating some other

asshole who was even more boring than
me.

A year later, she fell pregnant.

So what the hell happened there?

Perhaps Philippa thought she would get
more likes than comments.

If she was holding a puppy.

She always liked to do it doggie style.

She probably thought she was going to
have puppies.

I loved her dearly.

But she was too shallow.

Too dependent on her appearance.

I mean, you can't blame her.

Who isn't these days?

A culture based on appearances and
hypocrisy.

That's what this is.

Perhaps that's why I'm here.

Because I wasn't true to myself.

But no more!

Now is the time to change.

Now is the time to be free.

Es bonito que podamos elegir la ropa
juntos.

Tenemos suerte, en serio.

No todo el mundo puede.

Ya sé que te va a quedar un poco grande,
pero me gustaría que llevaras el traje

de mi padre.

¿Cómo lo ves?

Me da igual. Me pones lo que sea. Lo que
sea, no.

Tienes que ir elegante.

Es un día muy importante para mí.

Va a venir mucha gente y tienes que
estar perfecto.

Pues elíjame tú la ropa y ya está.

Yo no estoy de humor.

¿Los zapatos?

Los marrones son más bonitos, ¿no?

Esos me rozan y me hacen herida.

Prefiero los negros.

Estos. Estos son más nuevos.

Están más nuevos porque nunca me los
pongo.

Me rozan. Si te rozan, te pones unas
tiritas.

Entonces, ¿para qué me preguntas qué
zapatos quiero si los vas a acabar

elegiendo tú?

¿Y qué corbata quieres?

A mí me gustan estas dos.

No me gusta llevar corbata.

Yo nunca llevo corbata.

Es mi estilo.

Estilo.

Estilo. ¿Cuál es tu estilo?

Si pareces un pueblerino.

Soy un pueblerino y estoy contento con
mi aspecto, ¿vale?

Pues esa barba te la afectas.

Con esa barbaca no vas.

La barbaca no me la toques. Llevo barba
prácticamente desde que nací, ¿vale? Tú

ya me conociste con la barbaca.

¿Esa barba va fuera?

Y punto.

Ni te atrevas.

Hablo en serio, ¿vale?

Cariño.

Es la barba.

Es la barba de Arco.

No te queda bien.

Nunca te ha quedado bien.

¿Y esta ropa que estamos eligiendo?

La vas a llevar eternamente.

No tenemos mucho tiempo, así que haz un
esfuerzo y ayúdame un poquito con todo

esto.

Tú eres el protagonista.

Vendrá mucha gente todo este verán por
última vez en tu velatorio.

Por eso quiero que estés guapo y
radiante.

No quiero que piensen que te llevo mal
vestido porque eres un simple hombre de

pueblo. Es que soy un simple hombre de
pueblo.

Y así es como quiero que me recuerde la
gente.

With my shirts, with my chandelier
pants, and above all, with my beard.

Don't touch my beard, okay?

I have to go get the flowers, the health
care, call the last guests.

There are only three days left for the
funeral.

So don't be selfish.

Collaborate a little, please.

Honey, why don't you wait for me to die
and then you put this together the way

you like it?

Ay, cariño, no me gusta recordártelo,
pero el médico dijo que te quedan menos

de 48 horas.

Pero si se equivoca.

No se equivocará.

¡Qué elegante va!

¿La ropa es suya o os la han dado los de
la funeraria?

El traje de mi padre.

Lo elegimos juntos, para la ocasión.

Pues hija, puedes estar contenta.

Está más guapo, muerto que vivo.

Aunque le han maquillado demasiado, ¿no?

Si no lo maquillaran, estaría blanco y
daría grima verlo. Aunque yo lo

encuentro una pérdida de tiempo total.

En pocas horas empezará a podrir.

Sin barba está mejor.

Parece más joven. Sin barba está
irreconocible. Parece maricón. Yo

siempre le decía que se afeitara.

Sin ese barbón está guapo, guapo. Parece
un mariconazo.

¿Por qué lo habéis afeitado?

Era uno de sus últimos deseos.

Si no os importa, podéis ir con el resto
al comedor.

Me gustaría estar con él a solas.

Cariño. ¿Pero qué coño haces vivo?

Yo qué sé.

Me acabo de despertar. Dios mío, qué
susto.

¿Cómo puede haber?

Si el médico ha certificado tu muerte
hace unas horas.

Pues la certificó como el culo.

Porque ya ves, estoy vivo.

Y me encuentro perfectamente.

¿Pero te vamos a enterar en una hora?

All your friends have come. We have
everything ready.

Even people who don't like you have
come.

Well, we cancelled it and that's it.

Right now I'm going out and I'll explain
to everyone what happened.

Are you crazy?

Do you know the mess that has been set
up?

There are hundreds of people.

There is an expectation that you can't
even imagine.

So many people have come?

But no one has come.

The truth is that there has always been
a very popular guy.

Are you serious?

For Ruperto.

You can do this shit.

Juan, let's have a little peace.

Your mother is already here. And my
parents are about to arrive.

When they come, they want to see you
dead and buried.

We can't defraud them.

I don't want to die yet.

I'm not ready.

Honey.

Do you love me?

Yes. Well, if you really love me...

Muérete.

Quieres que me mate.

Mi niño.

Me han llevado a mi niño.

Faustina, no me la chuche tanto, que me
va a arrugar el traje.

Hay que ver qué guapo está sin barba.

Al fin no me has aceitado la barba.

Pero, coño, ¿qué haces vivo? No lo sé.

Pero me he despertado y ya ves, estoy
como una rosa.

Es un milagro. Sí.

Claro, ya se lo he dicho a ella.

Es un milagro.

Pero ahora lo que quiero es salir afuera
y darle la buena noticia a todo el

mundo. Pero ella no me deja.

Dice que me tengo que morir sí o sí.

Quiere suspender el funeral.

Dice que hasta que no esté muerto, no
quiere que la enterremos.

Suspender el funeral.

Pero tú estás loco.

Tú sabes la de gente que ha venido.

Es el entierro del año.

Esto no se puede suspender.

Pero mamá... Ni mamá ni mamó.

Hoy acabas bajo tierra y punto.

No podemos quedar mal con toda esa
gente.

Pero es que yo no me quiero morir, mamá.

Nene, no me seas egoísta.

Tienes menos de una hora para morirte.

Joder, qué putada.

¿Cómo queréis que lo haga?

Bueno, no sé.

No sé, aguántate la respiración como
cuando tienes hipo.

¿Hipo?

No puedo.

No puedo, me ahogo.

Joder, cariño, de eso se trata.

No me gusta.

Piensa otra cosa. A ti no me gusta.

No me llores.

Y colabora un poquito, hijo.

Si queréis que me muera, pensad otra
cosa.

¿Y por qué no te cortas las venas?

Cariño, ¿cómo va?

Mareadillo estoy, pero poco más. En 30
minutos van a venir los de la

funeraria y no lo pueden encontrar así.

Marisa, cariño, ándate a la cocina a
pillar el cuchillo jamonero y me lo

clavas las veces que haga falta.

¿Que yo te lo clave?

¿Pero cómo que puede ser tan macabro?

I can't take it anymore.

You do it.

We'll see.

You're not going to die.

You don't feel anything.

Woman... My stomach hurts, but... I
think it's more because of the nerves.

Fuck, Juanito, die now.

How are you, mom?

We don't have time.

People are getting impatient.

Este cabrón que no se quiere morir.

Te ayudo. He encontrado esto en la
cocina.

Mamá, ¿qué vas a hacer?

Tú sigue acuchillando.

Yo voy a hacer papilla en el estómago.

Es asqueroso.

La vida da asco.

La muerte más.

¿Qué frase más bonita, mamá?

¿Pero qué haces fumando ahora?

Fumar mata.

Deben pasar horas hasta que se desangue.

Esto no funciona.

Pero he dejado la sangre a punto de
nieve.

Qué bueno.

Mira cómo está todo.

Yo quería quedar bien con todo.

Me he dejado la vida

preparando este entierro.

Para nada.

I'm going to clean all this blood.

What are we going to tell them? What
will they think of us?

Look. Look at our clothes.

And look.

Look at what we have with your son.

Look at what we look like.

You look like what you are.

Two fucking psychopaths.

Don't you dare insult your mother.

Who does she think she is?

A little education.

No se mueve.

¿Qué?

Que no se mueve.

Ni respira.

¿Estás segura?

Sí. Sí.

Creo que lo has matado.

¿He matado a mi hijo?

Sí, Faustina. Lo has matado. Lo has
matado.

No, no puede ser. No. No.

Mi hijo no, mi hijo no, no, no.

Pero Faustina, no es lo que queríamos.

Lo peor que le puede pasar a una madre
es perder a su hijo.

Pero al menos no tenemos que suspender
la ceremonia.

Creo que les he asustado.

Sin la barbaca no me han reconocido.

¿Y ahora qué hacemos?

Yo que no me muero.

Y yo que no me muero.

Si tengo mi green card!

U.S. Border Protection.

How can I help you?

Pues sí.

You can help me. Devuélveme mi trabajo.

¿Qué hiciste?

¿Qué hiciste, cabrón? ¡Me destrozaste el
coche, pinche gringo! Thanks for your

collaboration. And remember, don't come
back again.

Pues no te pagaremos nada.

Señor Trump, mire, somos gente honrada y

solo queremos pedirle...

¿Quién me cambió el estuche?

¿A quién se lo robaste?

Cántale algo, pero en inglés, que no
entiende.

Venga pa' acá, no diplomático.

Le toca a usted reclamarle.

Póngasela.

No lo hace.

Este va a pisotear nuestro pueblo y va a
destruir nuestra cultura.

Vaya. Prontito para allá.

¿Y ahora quién podrá salvarnos?

¿Qué es eso?

Es un milagro.

Es que es alcohol.

¿El Ave María?

Well, believe it or not, we're already
halfway through the show.

Wasn't as bad as we thought.

Well, perhaps it was. But you have to
defend yourself, don't you?

A wise man once said that our decisions
get us into trouble.

But our pride that keeps us there.

Sometimes we make decisions to please
people or annoy them.

Like I did with my father.

I decided to study accountancy just to
piss him off.

My dad was a rock singer, but not one of
those that would sell a million records

or that you would see on TV.

He was the type of guy that would hop
from bar to bar working for tips.

He was happy.

A free soul.

But he never gave my mother or I a dime.

He said money was the root of all evil.

I was 19 when I enrolled to study the
thing he would hate the most.

Accounting.

I would count money.

Touch money.

Smell money.

And become the complete opposite of what
he was.

An artist.

Deep down, I hated my choice too. But
the fact that it depressed and

disappointed my father was reason enough
for it to be worthwhile.

And that's how I ended up working in a
career that I hate.

And now my father's dead.

I hadn't counted on that.

Never do anything for anyone else for
any reason whatsoever.

Never.

You just do you.

like my granddad, not screaming like his
passengers.

John says to Jack, you know, since
yesterday, my uncle rests in peace.

Jack says, oh, sorry, I didn't know your
uncle died.

He didn't. It was my aunt who died.

Two guys meet in heaven. One says to the
other, How did you go?

I froze to death, said the other. And
you?

I died of laughter.

Laughter? What do you mean?

Well, I thought my wife was having an
affair, so I left for work and then

returned an hour later to catch them.

I searched the whole house for them, and
when I realized my mistake, I started

laughing and gave myself a heart attack.

You idiot, says the other guy.

If you looked in the freezer, you could
have saved us both.

Get it?

The lover was hiding in the freezer.

The other guy was a cook-hold.

Just like you.

Why do you say that?

Because you're a cook-hold.

I'm not a cock-hold. Yes, you're holding
my cock right now.

No, I'm not.

Anyway. I don't know why I'm arguing
with you. I don't know why you've got

your hand up my ass.

You know nothing. You know nothing about
Philippa. She loves me.

No, you're right. Of course I don't.

But you remind me of this guy, Dan.

Dan was playing in a casino.

His friend rushes in and says, Quick,
Dan, your wife is sleeping with someone

else in the car park.

Dan runs out.

Comes back ten minutes later.

You idiot.

You scared me.

It wasn't someone else. It was the same
guy as always.

Cut it out.

Philippa says, honey, can you buy me a
cell phone?

What about the other one?

The other one will get me a tablet.

Hey, Brandon.

You know how Philippa's nickname is
Phil.

Well. When she gets her any nose from
too much sex, the guys all call her Boo!

Hey,

you know what else they call your wife?

American flag!

Because she even gets planted on the
moon!

Mission Control?

Do you read me?

Mission Control?

Do you read me? Mission

Control,

this is SEV Omega T-26.

Mission Control, this is S.E.V. Omega
T-26.

Thank you.

This is not an equality day. This is not
an equality day. This is not an equality

day.

situations are quite necessary.

But when it comes to your skin,
chemicals aren't there. No, no.

So after buying food, buy your beauty
products. Why am I not surprised?

Okay, people listening to us are
probably dying to know more, so stop the

agony and forgive me. Well,

biological beauty is quite trendy today.

The beauty and now the health issues
have started to get on the bandwagon,

saying that if people put bio into their
body, why not put bio onto their body

too? It's just brilliant stuff. Yeah,
it's fascinating.

And also, so now you have, I can see it
right here, quite a list of natural bio

ingredients, and our listeners can go
out and buy any natural food. So am I

right? Yes, yes, yes, you're right.

Nice, man.

Good job.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.