All language subtitles for English (United States)_Anjelah Johnson-Reyes_ Ugly Baby _ Full Comedy Special

Please welcome [crying] Ed.

[music]

[cheering] [music]

[cheering]

[music] [cheering]

Thank you. [music] Yeah. Thank you for coming out.
Welcome to my seventh hour special. [cheering] Ah,

it's incredible. Make some noise if you
have been to one of my shows before.

Anybody here been to one of my shows?
[cheering] Thank you so much for coming

back. That's incredible. Anybody here
your first time? First time. [cheering]

Thank you for coming out. Listen, whether it's
your first time or your fifth time at my show,

I'm going to treat y'all just like I treat
my family. I really will. I'm going to start

a group text with you in it. I'm going to
start a second one without you. [laughter]

Then I'm going to talk about you in the wrong
group text. You ever do that? Send a text about

somebody, but you forget they're in that text. I
sent a text to my mom, my sister about my brother.

I'm like, "Uh, he's so annoying." Then my
brother responds, "Who's annoying?" "Oh,

uh, Dad." We had a family reunion recently.
Anybody here do family reunions? Yeah. But is

it like an actual organized reunion? I know some
people consider running into their family at a

funeral a reunion. If the last time you saw your
family, you were all wearing black. That's not a

reunion. That's a reduction. I'm talking about
an organized reunion where you wear matching

t-shirts and everything. We do it. We do the
matching t-shirts and we do it big. When I tell

you how big we do it, you're going to think I'm
lying. My grandma was a sibling of 25 Mexican.

This is how we got to 25. My greatgrandparents had
11 kids. Then my great-grandmother passed away,

I think, from having 11 kids. Then
my greatgrandfather was like, "Well,

my part still works though." So he got remarried,
had some more kids, and in total he had 25. So

there's the original batch of kids, and there's
the remix batch of kids. They all had some kids,

and their kids had some kids. Next thing you
know, our family reunion's about 500 deep.

Birth control. Smurf control. We out here waiting.

If you've never been to a family reunion before,
this is what you can expect. You play games. You

eat good food. You see that one cousin you
almost swiped right on. [laughter] Yeah.

When your family's this big, your dating
pool gets smaller. [laughter] I had two

cousins match on an app. They didn't
know they were cousins. They match.

They start talking. They're vibing.
They have a lot in common. Shocker.

They start coordinating. They're like, "Yeah,
let's go grab a drink." Woo! Woo! Woo! She

starts looking through all his photos. She
sees that he posted a picture wearing our

family reunion t-shirt. [cheering] See, that's
why you got to do your research. Otherwise,

you end up with a baby with six toes. You
don't know why. That's why. Another thing

that happens at family reunions is you watch
your elders get older and eventually pass

on. They lived a great life. Now they're
passing the baton to the next generation.

The change of the guard happens. Like for
instance, my Tia Mary, she was my great aunt,

my grandma's sister. She lived to be 102 years
old. Yeah. Give it up for her. 102. [applause]

She can't hear you.

Tia Mary was the Tia that anytime we would
call her to check in and be like, "Hi,

Tia Mary. How you doing?" She'd go, "Oh, still
kicking but not that high." [laughter] She'd

always ask me about my tour dates and where I
was going to next. And no matter what city I

told her I was going to, she'd always respond
the same way. With the weather the way it is.

Bless her. The Mary was one of the
original Rosie the rivers for our

country during World War II. Yeah. [applause]

Then after the war, she went on to work in the
factories at Levi Strauss making denim. She

worked her way up from the factory to a manager's
position. And she did all of that on a third grade

education. [cheering and applause] Incredible.
I come from an incredible family. I'm honored

to be a part of this family. And my Tia Mary was
the last of the original elders to pass on. So,

this was our first reunion without any of the
original elders there. So, here I am at my

reunion looking around at my family like, "Wow, I
am watching the change of the guard happen." Like,

here goes my one Tio who used to be running around
with us kids playing all the games and now he's

walking real slow. And then there goes my one cool
Tia who she's the one who used to go out to the

bars with all the young ones after. You know how
everybody has that one wild Tia that's just down?

Well, now she's in a wheelchair. So, if
that bar don't have a ramp, she ain't going.

So, here I am at my reunion looking
around at my family like, "Wow,

I am watching the change of the guard happen
right before my eyes." And right in that moment,

I feel this little tap behind me and I hear this
little voice say, "Excuse me, Tia." [laughter]

Oh no, the Diaz are over there. You're so cute.

I realize I'm not just watching the
change of the guard happen. I am a part

of it. [laughter] I am now the Tia. And it's
not even that I'm just now the Tia. It's like,

girl, you're in your 40s. You've been the Tia.

What do you mean just now? You see that eyelid?
How it used to be up here, but now it's low

like that. Girl, that's a Tia eyelid. What do you
mean? I've been fighting my transition into my Tia

era. I don't know how to do it. Do I have
to start wearing powdery perfume now? Is

there anybody else here in your Tia or Tio era?
Anybody here? [cheering] Yeah. If you're not sure,

smell yourself. Do you smell powdery or
spicy, [laughter] man? Are you wearing

draar? Then you are a deal. And this is not
just for Latinos. You could be white, black,

Asian, whatever. This just means
you're in your auntie and uncle

era. It means you're too old to be young,
but you're too young to be old. [cheering]

Yeah, [applause] you're just here.

I'm fighting my transition.
Although, I will say this. Uh,

there is one thing I have been looking
forward to. I have been waiting a long

time to start calling people Miha and Miho.
Latino culture, that's what we call the young

ones. The young ones are Miha and Miho. Well,
I always thought I was too young to say it,

you know, like I'm not going to
call you Miha. I'm Miha. [laughter]

But here I am in my Tia era.
[laughter] I got to own it now. So,

I was at my reunion. And I
was like, "All right, well,

let me get some practice." So, I just picked
some little cousin running by. And I was like,

"Hey miho. [laughter] Come here real quick. Come
here. You need to be careful when you're running

cuz you could fall down. You could hurt
yourself or god for a bit you run into one

of your Tias or Tios. Like if you run into me
right here like this and I go down like that,

like that. Meanwhile, I can't
get up like I used to. [laughter]

I liked it.

But here's the real Tia test. If you can miha and
miho one of the older kids, you know what I mean?

like one of the 20some year olds. I was like, "All
right, let me see if I could pull it off." So,

I picked one of the older cousins and I was like,
"So, Miha, what are you studying in school?" Part

of me wanted her to respond with, "Why are
you calling me Miha?" Just so I could be like,

"I knew I was too young to say it. You see it
too, right? I'm too young." But she did not.

No, she said communications. [laughter] But
I decided that since I'm the Tia now that I'm

going to be the new Kulia. I'm going to be
the one that goes out to the bars with all

the young ones after. That's me now. I'm that
new Tia. Yeah. So I said to all the young like

20some year old cousins, I was like, "Where are
we going after? What bar are we going to?" "Yeah,

I'm coming. I'm coming." What
time are we going? 10. [laughter]

[laughter] 10:00 p.m. No, I didn't know if he
meant brunch tomorrow. I didn't know. [laughter]

Yeah, I know. 10:00 p.m. I'm usually like barely
getting out the shower at 10:00, so I'll probably

just meet you guys there. But don't worry, I'm
going to show you what's up. I'm going to show you

how to party. Okay, I'll see you guys later. Then
I go home. I turn my phone off. Never talk to them

again. [laughter] [applause] Out of your mind.
1000 p.m. [laughter] Like just leaving the house

at 10:00. [laughter] I'm not going. If I'm leaving
the house at 10:00 p.m. I'm going to urgent care.

[applause]

And like I do late shows, you know,

like after this I'm doing another
show after this. Starts at 8:00. Damn.

[laughter] But back when I first started doing
standup, my late show started at 11:30 p.m. Get

out of town. You can't catch me doing
11:30 show now. But even then, to me,

it's a little bit different because at that
point, you guys get a show to watch while

you are sitting down. If I go to a club
at 1000 p.m., they don't have no chairs.

You got me out there on the
dance floor with my 2-in heels.

My Tia eyelid blurring my vision.
My 40some year old knees out there

trying to keep up with these young bucks like

[cheering] [applause]

Then I run out of dance moves, so I just start
hitting my Zumba class real quick. like a

[cheering] [applause]

[cheering]

10 minutes later I need to rest.

I don't have no chairs. If I want to sit down, I
have to reserve a bottle service table. It costs

like $800. And what do you get for that $800? An
overpriced bottle of tequila brought to you by

some girl wearing her chonies. I see it. Showing
off her cute little body like, "Hey." I'm like,

"Okay, I used to have abs, too. Relax."
[laughter] Then I remember I'm the the miha,

why you dressed like that? [applause] You don't
need to do them. For what, Miha? For tips. Miha,

here's a tip. Learn real estate. And that
sparkler, Miha, that's a fire hazard. [laughter]

And I'm sure cuz I'm the Tia now, they
probably expect me to pay for this. But

you know what? This ain't Chuck-e-Cheese
no more. [laughter] I'm going to need

y'all to pitch in. You know what? This
music's too loud. Let's turn it down.

I'm hot. Give me a fan. [laughter] And my
eyelid's like, "Girl, time to go home."

Turns out I may not be right for the kulia roll.
But it is about time that I started calling people

Miha and Miho because I finally had one of
my own. I became a mom. [cheering] [applause]

Thank you. Yeah, my husband and I always
said we did not want kids and then look

what he did. [laughter] I say that like it was an
accident, but we actually did change our minds and

we tried. And the funny thing about me saying
that we tried is in my very first hour special,

I'm young, I'm in my 20s, I did this joke where
I would get awkward and laugh when people would

say they were trying to have a baby cuz I'd
be like, "Uh, gross. You're just showing off

and telling us you're doing it." [laughter] Like
I'd meet a couple like, "Do you guys have kids?"

They're like, "No, but we're trying." Oh. Oh.
Oh, [laughter] good luck. Good luck with doing

it. [laughter] And here I am all these years later
telling you we did it. [cheering] [applause] We

did it. And I found out that I couldn't get
pregnant. There was all kinds of stuff going

on in my body I didn't know about. We even
tried IVF. It didn't work. Tried IVF again,

still didn't work. It was like my ovaries were
on do not disturb. Then a couple years went by,

lo and behold, I end up getting pregnant
naturally. [cheering] Yeah. I got my

miracle baby. [cheering and applause] My very
expensive free baby. It's like paying for

something full price then finding out it was
on clearance if you would have just relaxed.

I waited a long time to have a kid.
I had my first and only kid at 41.

Yeah. That's wild to me [applause] cuz
like all my friends from high school,

they had their kids in high school. [laughter]

Yeah, they were hoes. But they were my hoes.
Those are my hoes. We went to school together

until they got pregnant. Then they had to go
to special school. [laughter] Did you guys

have special school where you grew up? Yeah.
Huh? It's like where if a girl gets pregnant,

she has to transfer and go to this school over
here where they have a daycare on campus so

you could drop off your baby before first period.
And most of the babies in there were named Angel.

I had my first kid the same time my friends are
having grandkids. It's true. I posted a picture

of my daughter. Same day my friend posted
a picture of her grandson. People receive

this information differently with her. They're
like, "You're a grandma? No way." And with me,

they're like, "You just had your first
kid? No way. [laughter] Why?" I said,

"Because I wanted to wait until
I was considered geriatric."

[cheering] [applause] Cuz that's what happens
if you get pregnant after the age of 35. They

consider you a geriatric pregnancy. How rude.
There are pros and cons to waiting this long to

have a baby. Pro, I live my life. I traveled. I
did what I wanted to do. I had a good time. Yay.

[applause]

Con. Now, when I go pick up
my daughter from high school,

all her friends are going to be like,
"Rosie, your grandma's here." [applause]

Doctors would ask me like, "Oh, geriatric
pregnancy. Do you have any concerns?" I was like,

"I do actually. What if I have an ugly baby?"
[laughter] That's a real thing. There are some

people who think that all babies are beautiful.
I am not one of those people. I have seen some

ugly babies. Some of my friends had ugly
babies. Some of you were ugly babies.

I think I was an ugly baby. I do. I look
at some of my baby pictures. I was like,

"Mom, did you drink alcohol?" Did anybody here
have an ugly baby? Anybody? Yeah. [laughter]

Kind of. Medium. [laughter]

You had an ugly baby. Yeah. Oh, she's right here.

But you knew it though cuz you went like that too.
You're like that was me. Like did you see baby

pictures of yourself and you were like whoa. Yeah.
That's what I did. I did the same thing. Okay. My

question though is when you first had your baby,
did you know right away that she was an ugly baby?

Yes. Right away as soon as the doctor handed you
the first is she where is she in the lineup? Is

she one first? Oh, she's the first one. Okay. So,
the doctor hands you the baby and you're like,

"What?" Um, [laughter] is this how they all
look? Do they all do this? Do they all Okay,

here's my other question. Did anybody agree
with you? Yes. [laughter] Yes. A lot of people

agreed with you. Who did? Who? My mom and
my grandma. Your mom and your grandma. Oh,

they kept 100. They were just like,
"She looks like her dad. [applause]

That's her dad's side of the family. [applause]
I told all my friends, I was like, "Look,

when I have this baby, I need y'all to keep it
100, okay? I need y'all to let me know. Do I

post a picture or not?" Because the internet is a
mean place. I said, "I don't know if I'm going to

be blinded by love. I don't know. I need y'all to
keep it real for me." You know what I mean? Cuz

like even right now, I think there might be some
people here blinded by love because I was like,

who here had an ugly baby? Maybe three people
raise their hand. There's at least 400 of you

in here right now. The math ain't mathing.
So that means that either some of you are

lying or some of you don't know that you
had the ugly baby. [laughter] There's an

ugly baby test. Did you know that? Yeah. This
is how you take the test. Think back to when

your baby was a baby. If you showed a picture of
your baby to someone and they said a [laughter]

[cheering] follow up with any words.
[laughter] They didn't string together

one sentence. She's so pretty. He's
so cute. They just said a [laughter]

you left them speechless. That was
an ugly baby. [applause and cheering]

If you showed a picture of your baby to someone
and they gave you one of these, look at her.

[laughter] They didn't tell you what
they thought. They told they were doing

they were looking at her. All of this, this is a
distraction [laughter] cuz that was a ugly baby.

[laughter] Every time I do this joke, every time
I can see people in the audience get upset. Now,

whether that means that they had an ugly
baby or not or or they're just offended

that I could think a baby is ugly. Like, that's
mean. You're being mean right now. An ugly baby

test. That's mean. I don't like this. I can
guarantee you guys no ugly babies were harmed

in the making of this joke. We're going to
be fine. We're going to [applause] be fine.

Now, if I'm being honest, I do think
that my baby came out pretty cute. Now,

I could be blinded by love. I could have an
ugly baby. Me and my ugly baby walking down

the street enjoying our ugly lives. Who
cares? [laughter] But I do think that my

baby came out pretty cute. Although, I will
say this. When people first see her, they go,

"She looks just like you." I'm like, "Wait a
minute. I was an ugly baby. Stand by. [laughter]

I'm learning a lot about myself since
becoming a mom, like what I'm capable of,

how my body has changed. Like growing up,
I always had this mark on my abdomen. And

I would go to the doctor year after year and
I'd be like, "Hey, what is this? Should I be

concerned?" And they're like, "No, don't worry
about it. You're fine." year after year. Don't

worry about it. You're fine. Then finally
I went to a dermatologist and I was like,

"What is this?" And she goes, "Oh,
that's a third nipple. [laughter]

I'm sorry. What?" [laughter] She goes, "Yeah,
actually it's pretty common. Anytime somebody

tells you it's pretty common, you never heard of
it, they're probably just trying to make you feel

better. [laughter] I said, "Wait a minute. So,
you mean to tell me this whole time I've been

walking around at the beach in my bikini, just
all willy-nilly, just out here being indecent, not

even knowing. Imagine living your whole life with
a major nip slip. Didn't even know it. [cheering]

Now I know why when I was younger, I used to
go to church camp. If we ever went swimming,

they used to make us put a t-shirt on over
our bathing suit just in case anybody had

their nipple they didn't know about.
We don't need anybody out here lusting.

God forbid my third n make a man stumble.

So cut two. Couple years go by. I get pregnant.
I'm at my ultrasound appointment. The doctor,

she's feeling around on my belly. She goes, "Yep,

everything feels great. Looks great." And then
she goes, "What's that?" [laughter] I said,

"Oh, it's my third nipple." And she says,
"Well, just so you know, it may lactate.

[laughter]

[laughter]

I'm sorry. What? She goes, "Yeah, actually
it's pretty common." [laughter] I said,

"Wait a minute. So, you mean to tell me
that I can feed a kid from three options?

Am I having a kid or am I having a kitten?

I am happy to report that it did
not lack tea. [cheering] [applause]

Thank god [applause] I thought I
was going to have to invest in all

new bras. Come out with my own couture bra
line. It's the trample nap bra. [laughter]

I can honestly say that before I became
a mom, I didn't have enough empathy for

moms. Where all the moms at? Moms in
the house. Make some noise. [cheering]

Amazing. You gave yourselves a night
out. Good. You deserve it. [cheering]

My apologies for not understanding you sooner.
[laughter] I didn't get it. Now that I know

better, I wish I could go back in time and do
better and show up differently for my friends

and family members that were having babies. I just
didn't get it. I didn't understand the struggle of

a mom, the things that moms go through and deal
with. I didn't understand like breastfeeding. I

thought that that was just a natural thing that
every mom would just know how to do. Like if you

got pregnant and you made milk, then you just
feed your baby and boom, baby latte. Turns out,

no, it's actually a skill that you need a
master's degree in. And you earn this degree

in the middle of the night. And they say that
when a woman breastfeeds that she burns calories,

sometimes equivalent to running 5 miles
a day. So, we go from birthing a human to

sports activities. I didn't know I was signing
up for boob crossfit. Then, I started feeling

a lot of pain in my hand and my thumb started to
lock up. I couldn't bend my thumb. I went to the

doctor. They diagnosed me with trigger finger. I
had to get a cortisone shot in my thumb because I

got an athletic injury from breastfeeding. It
is wild out here in these motherhood streets.

So, if you're keeping track at home,
I have a Tia eyelid, a third nipple,

and trigger finger. Living the dream. [applause]

And they don't tell you this either. Not
all boobs are created equal. No. One of

them makes a lot of milk. The other one barely
shows up to work. And when she does show up,

she's hung over. Always lazy. Just a true slacker.
It's like one of my boobs graduated sumakumi. The

other one's still working on her GED. She's over
there at special school. [laughter] And then

sometimes they switch it up on you. They wouldn't
even tell you about it. But all of a sudden,

my GED boobs, you'll be like, "Yeah, I
never went to university, but I've been

running these streets for a minute. Watch me make
something out of nothing." Boom, boom, boom. Oes.

Then my sumakum loudy boob like, "Yeah, she
graduated with honors, but I think her major

was like theater. [laughter] They don't tell you
how hard it is when you're first learning how to

do it. It's hard. It's painful. Just walking
to the bathroom would hurt. I was like, "Man,

I don't think I could jump ever again. God forbid
I walk with too much joy." People would ask me if

I missed my old life, you know, cuz I waited
so long to have a baby. They want to know,

"Do I miss the old life?" I can honestly say
no. I don't miss my old life. I do however miss

my old boobs. [cheering] Oh yeah. All my friends
told me. They were like, "Hey, if you breastfeed,

things are going to change." I was like, "I want
to breastfeed. I don't care." Turns out I care.

You know who else cares? My husband. Yeah.
My boobs are like a soldier who's gone off

to war. Before I had a baby, if I ever took my
shirt off in front of my husband, he'd be like,

"Hey, sailor." Now he's like, "Thank you for
your service." [laughter] [applause] [cheering]

People would ask me if I wanted a boy or a girl.
I didn't have a preference. I do remember asking

my friends that when they were pregnant if they
wanted a boy or girl and they'd be like, "Oh,

as long as it's healthy." And I'd be like,
"Oh." [laughter] Then I became a geriatric

pregnant lady. And I understood, "Yeah, as long
as it's healthy, that's all that matters." But I

honestly did not have a preference. I would take
note when I'd be out and about if I see a little

boy or little girl and I'd think to myself,
which one do I want? And I started to notice

that there's something very special and unique
about a relationship between a mom and her son.

Where all the boy moms at? Boy moms in the house.
[cheering] Hey boy moms with your perfect angels.

Something that I've noticed is that a son, no
matter how old he is, a son can do no wrong in

his mother's eyes. [applause and cheering] Like,
sure, he might get on your nerves, [laughter] but

don't let somebody else say that. Don't let
somebody else form an opinion about your son,

even if you share that same opinion. A son can
do no wrong in his mother's eyes. My mom had two

girls and two boys. If me or my sister do anything
stupid, my mom has a lot to say about it. However,

if my brothers do anything stupid, well,
that must be a rumor. [laughter] Not my

son. My brother could commit a murder and my
mom would be like, "Well, what did they do to

deserve that?" [laughter] Cuz moms ride hard for
their sons. You can't say anything to mom about

her son. I can't even talk to my own mom about
her son. I can't be like, "Mom, you need to talk

to your son. He needs to learn how to clean up
after himself." Oh, and you do your own dishes.

Yeah. [laughter] Well, it's about time cuz
I remember when you didn't. [laughter] I was

nine. Okay. Well, you need to give your
brother some time. [laughter] He's 36.

Can't say anything to a mom about her son.
You could try. She won't get it. She won't

see it. You could be like, "Girl, you know,
you treat your son like he's the favorite,

like he's the golden child." She'll be like, "No,
I don't. I treat my kids equally." She won't see

it. But you know who will see it? The sister. Any
sisters in here with brothers? Any sisters with

brothers? [cheering] [applause] There you go. Pick
one of them. They'll tell you the truth. They'll

tell you how it was growing up and how it is
today. Nothing has changed. [laughter] The adult

son can come home to visit and the mom's going to
be like, [gasps] "My son is home. Everyone come

over. [screaming] I'm going to make his favorite
meal. It's going to take me 3 days to prepare it.

Everyone come over." The daughter comes too.
Miha, make your brother a plate. [laughter]

Growing up, it could be the same situation
happening with the son and the daughter.

They're going through the same thing, but mom's
going to handle it differently for both. The son,

he's in a bad mood. Miho, what's wrong? You're
upset. Do you want to talk about No. Okay,

maybe just go lay down. Put the fan on.
Cuz when the fan hits you in the face,

you'll feel better. Just go rest Miho.
The daughter, she's in a bad mood,

too. And you? What's wrong with you?
[laughter] You're on your period. Okay. Well,

you and your attitude, go clean something and do
it quietly. Your brother's resting. [applause]

There's some boy moms in here right
now that are like, "That is not true."

But then when you think about
your son's dad and his mom

all the sudden it's a little bit true cuz I see
it with my husband and my mother-in-law too. He's

the golden child. She's very proud of him as
she should be cuz that's her that's her son.

But sometimes I think she likes to
give him a little too much credit for

things like with our daughter. When they
first came to the house to meet the baby,

my mother-in-law says to my daughter in her
very thick Puerto Rican accent, she says,

"Oh, mommy, just so beautiful. You look just
like you, daddy. You look like you daddy only.

You so beautiful. You just want to be with your
daddy, huh? You want to be with your daddy?

[laughter]

I said she's literally on my boob. No, she
doesn't. [laughter] Mommy, where's your daddy?

Where is he? He's at the gym living his best
life. [laughter] Nothing has changed for him.

[laughter]

All right, Los Angeles. Maybe there are some moms
in here who might relate with what I'm about to

say next. And maybe there are some moms who are
like, "No, that wasn't my story." That's okay,

too. All I can do is tell you what happened
to me. I don't know [snorts] what happened,

but this is what happened. As soon as we had the
baby, something shifted. Something changed. And

all of a sudden, my husband just annoyed me. Can
any moms relate to that? Like as soon as you got

home from the hospital with your brand new baby
and you walk in the door with this baby that you

made with the love of your life and you look up
at him and you're like, "Wait a minute. [laughter]

You always breathe like that?"

Like that's how you always did it. Ooh. [laughter]
My postpartum hormones had me angry for no reason.

Like there's stuff my daughter could do.
It's adorable. If my husband does it,

opposite day. Like when my daughter eats,
she makes a mess. There's food all over her

face. It's in her hair. It's everywhere.
And it's the cutest thing I've ever seen

in my entire life. Every time my husband eats,
he spills on his shirt. And it pisses me off.

Why? It's not my shirt. I
don't know. But I'm pissed.

I don't want to say every time because then
you guys are gonna think that I'm lying. So,

I will say nine out of 10 times. Nine out
of 10 times when my husband is eating,

he will spill on his shirt. I don't even
have to be watching him eat. Nine out of

10 times when my husband is eating,
I will hear this. Oh man. [laughter]

And I'm pissed.

[laughter] When my daughter eats, she makes
the cutest little eating sounds. Especially

when she was just learning how to do it. Like
she would stuff all the food in her mouth,

chew with her mouth open. It was the cutest
little eating sounds I've ever heard in my

entire life. If I even hear an ounce of
saliva [laughter] in my husband's mouth,

I lose my mind. The amount of saliva he
creates while he's chewing. I can't even

scientifically explain it. I don't know how he
hasn't drowned yet. [applause] One time I got so

annoyed. I was like, "Dry up. [laughter]
What do you need? A napkin or a shamwow?

He chews so loud. Like he could be in the other
room eating and I can hear it. I'll be like,

"What? What are you eating? What is that? Is that

corn chips? Are you eating corn
chips? [laughter] A strawberry?

That's how you eat a strawberry? [laughter]
Ooh. The worst is if it's cereal.

My god, it's like the sound of the saliva meets
the sound of the slurping of the milk with the

crunch of the Cheerio. Anytime my husband eats
cereal, I'm like, "Uh-uh, that's backyard food.

You got to eat in the backyard." [laughter]
No, we keep our Cheerios out by the grill now.

[laughter] And I feel bad because he's not
doing anything wrong. Like if anything,

he's just trying to help. He's like, "Babe,
is there anything you need? Is there anything

you want me to get?" I'm like, "Yeah, can
you get out the way?" [laughter] He said,

"Babe, give me a kiss." Oh my god,
so many kisses today. Wow. [laughter]

He said, "Babe, when are you
cleared for sexy time?" 2027.

[laughter] doctor's orders.

I slept with a maternity pillow. You guys know
what that is? That big U-shaped pillow. It's

supposed to be like when you're pregnant,
you sleep on your side so your belly can

rest on the pillow. The long part of the
pillow goes between your legs and it helps

your hips to stay in alignment. It's the best
sleeping apparatus for a pregnant lady. Well,

after I had the baby, I kept the pillow. And
after a while, my husband was like, "Hey, so,

um, when are you going to get rid of that
pillow?" I said, "What pillow?" "Oh, uh, the

big pillow that's in the way. When are you going
to get rid of it?" [laughter] I don't follow.

Finally, I was like, "Yeah, of course
I'm going to get rid of the pillow." So,

next night, I took the pillow out. I put
it in the closet, but I'll be honest,

I felt a type of way about it. I started
feeling a little resentment inside towards

my husband cuz I felt like he was making me break
up with my pillow. Cuz the next night, I got in

the bed and I was like, "Well, how do I sleep
now? [laughter] I don't even know what to do.

What do I put between my
legs?" And my husband was like,

[cheering]

I said no. But for real,

listen, I make jokes about my husband, but
being fully honest, my husband is topnotch,

top shelf. Let me tell you, I got a good
one. I'm very grateful for my husband. Yes,

he's an incredible partner. [applause] He
takes care of me. Not only does he clean

the house and do laundry, but he handles all
of our finances, our taxes. He makes sure I

have gas in my car. I don't even remember how to
pump my own gas anymore. One time he was out of

town. I was running low on gas. I just took a
Uber. I don't know what I'm doing. [laughter]

If he ever does something that hurts my
feelings, he's real quick to apologize

where I need like 3 to five business days. He's
more like Amazon Prime. same day apology. I'm

like USPS [laughter] in the winter. We all have
our strengths and weaknesses, [laughter] but

it's important that I share those good things
about my husband cuz I'm about to share two

more annoying ones. I just wanted to break it up
a little bit, make sure you guys know I do love

my husband. I just got to get some stuff off
my chest. [laughter] It's okay. He could talk

about me at his show. That's fine. I don't even
care. [laughter] He don't have a show. [applause]

[applause] I tell you what really grinds
my gears. When I'd wake up in the morning,

especially early on in those postpartum
days, after a night of breastfeeding,

pumping, breastfeeding, pumping, every two hours,

I'd wake up and say, "I'm so tired." And
my husband would dare to say, "Me, too."

Oh, he was trying to fight. I said, "Me too?"

Oh, like your two nipples that did nothing
while my third one is chafing. Wow.

[laughter] Getting older is hard. Being a new
mom is hard. Put it together. Being a new old

mom hard. [laughter] And I do it publicly on
social media because I like to share my journey

with people. And I have a social media team
that helps me do what I do. And on that team,

I have a young girl named Emily. She part of the
Gen Z. I call her my Gen Z representative. She

likes to keep me hip and cool with the
young kids. She'll tell me what's new,

what's trending. A lot of times I'm like, "Well,
that's stupid." [laughter] But she'll call me

and say things like, "Hey, the font you used on
your Instagram stories really showing your age."

I'm sorry, what? There's young and
old font. [laughter] We don't have

font freedom. I don't understand what
is wrong with comic sands. [laughter]

I've always considered myself cool.
Whatever season of life I was in,

I was a cool kid. Then Gen Z got in charge.
They changed all the rules. Now I find myself

trying to keep up. And at the same time, I
don't want to keep up. I don't want to learn

new words. [laughter] I don't want to be in
my 40s talking about RZ. That's dumb. I don't

even like it. I listen to my nephew talk. I'm
like, "What are you even saying?" He's like,

"Nah, chat. He got a Skippy aura." [laughter] I
said, "Do people understand you when you talk?"

I'm pretty active on social media. I like to
engage with people. I like to leave comments.

I follow a lot of food accounts. And if I see a
recipe that I like, I want to leave a comment.

But I get insecure. I start secondguessing myself
because I don't want my slaying to give away my

age. I don't want to leave a comment that's like,
"Oo, that looks bomb." [laughter] Then I got some

young Gen Zer over here that's like a how cute.
Look at this old lady. A She said bomb. How cute.

But I'm going to say bomb forever. You know what
else I'm going to say forever? dope. [cheering]

I'll be I'll be in my 80s
talking about that's dope.

Think back to when you were in high school,
back in your heyday. Imagine yourself back

in high school hanging out with your friends.
Maybe you're hanging out at your favorite table

in the cafeteria. Maybe you're by your locker.
Maybe you're in your favorite area of the quad.

Just imagine yourself back with your friends in
high school. Okay. Now, tell me, what is a slang

word from your day that you used to say in high
school? Wicked. Wicked. Lit. What is it? Tight.

Fresh. Groovy. Sick.

Dude, gnarly, radarly. How about this one? You
guys remember this one? Psych. [cheering] Remember

psych? Bro, psych is such a solid slang
word. I don't know why we stopped saying

that. [laughter] It's so good. [clears throat]
You know what's very similar to psych? Not.

Remember not. Remember you'd be like, "Mom,
I'mma go clean my room." Not. [laughter]

Remember

Whatever.

Gag me with a spoon. Remember gag me with
a spoon? Why were we so violent? [laughter]

How about this one? Uh, you guys remember Moted?
Okay, so here's the thing about Moded. I've been

asking this question all across the country,
right? And I thought that the slang words that

I grew up with were like everybody was saying
these. I thought they were like pit bull,

Mr. Worldwide. I thought everybody was saying
these slang words. Turns out not real regional.

Okay. Because I was in Connecticut and I was
asking people about their slang they used to

say and I was like, "You guys remember Moded?"
And they're like crickety cricket. They never

even heard of it. Okay, how about this one?
How about let's say you're in high school and

you hear about two of your friends that were
hooking up. What would you call that if they

were hooking up? Scamming. Scamming. Scamming.
Macking. Messing. Necking. [laughter] Talking.

Hooking up. Hooking up. Yeah. See,
I was in Connecticut and I was like,

"You guys remember scamming?" They were like
cricket. And I was like, "You guys didn't say

scamming or macking?" Well, what did you say? They
were like, "Hooking up." I was like, "Oh, boring.

Y'all didn't come up with names. These are good
ones, you guys. These are really good slang

words. And listen, with the authority vested
in me, I hereby reinstate all of our slang

words. [cheering] I say, "Let's keep saying our
slang words. Let's say them loud. Let's say them

proud. [applause and cheering] Just don't say them
in a comment section cuz they will tear us apart."

And I get it. my Jenzie representative.
She's just trying to teach me the new ways

of social media in the same way I teach
my mother-in-law. My mother-in-law is in

her late7s. She's on Facebook. She calls it
Fable. She loves her Fable. I recently found

out that she does not have Facebook
etiquette. And if you think about it,

it makes sense. The younger generation grew
up with social media. They know how to do it.

They know the unspoken rules. They know how to
talk to people. They know what they're doing.

The older generation, this is all brand new
to them. They don't know, but they're trying.

Have you ever taken a gander at Mima's Facebook
page? She's out here posting private information,

doctor's appointments, phone numbers, [laughter]
sharing AI photos like it's National Geographic.

They don't know what they're
doing, but they're trying.

I found out my mother-in-law didn't
have the etiquette. And this is how

I found out. We were watching one of
her tel nollas, one of her stories,

and she starts giving me the inside
scoop on the show. Not the story line,

not the characters. No. She starts giving me
all the gossip, all the cheese me from the

actor's lives that she follows on Facebook. She
starts filling me in. She goes, "Okay, this guy,

he cheating in his wife with this woman's and
then his wife la. She's saying that this woman

breaking her marriage, but that's not true." So, I
had to leave her a message on Facebook. [cheering]

[laughter]

I say you had to what? What' you do? I had to
leave her a message on Fable. I says to her,

I say I say, "Please, why you saying
this woman breaking your marriage when

that's not true?" Because your
husband have three other woman.

I said, "Oh my god, Carmen, you
did not say that." She goes, "Yes,

I did." [laughter] I said, "Who else
are you messaging?" Um, Patrick Mahomes

said, "Patrick Mahomes. What are
you saying to Patrick Mahomes?" Oh,

you know, have a good game. You can do it.

All right. Well, that's nice. She goes, "Yeah,
he replied to me." He said, "He did? Can you show

me? She shows me his reply. Sure enough, she's
messaging a fake page. Now, I got a dilemma. Do

I break her heart and tell her the truth or do I
let her believe that she has her own friendship

with Patrick Mahomes where they have their game
day ritual where she leaves him a message on

Facebook and he says, "Thanks, Carmen. We couldn't
[clears throat] do it without you." [applause]

I wanted to let her have it. I really did. But
unfortunately, there's a lot of scammers out

there. And god forbid Patrick Mahomes needs
some money one day. [laughter] I'm going to

need my little Carmelita to know not to empty
out her savings account for Patrick Mahomies.

I had to tell her the truth. I was like, Carmen,
look. This is not the real Patrick Mahomes. Okay?

You see how this page has a blue check mark?
That means that's an official page. You see how

there's millions of people who follow this page
and only 237 follow this one. That's 236 other

Carmen's out there. I had to protect her. And
now I have this new mama bear side of me that I

didn't know existed. And maybe it didn't exist
until I actually became a mom. I don't know.

But I just discovered it recently when I almost
got in a fight with a senior citizen. I don't

make it a habit to get in fights with senior
citizens. I love senior citizens. God willing,

I will be a senior citizen. I respect my
elders, but this one was different. [laughter]

Now, I don't know what happened, but this
is what happened. We were on a flight. Now,

I'm aware. I know nobody wants to hear a baby cry
on a plane. But you know who really doesn't want

to hear a baby cry in a plane? The mom. We're
stressed. We had to bring the baby in the first

place. We have what's called anxiety. We hope
and we pray that our baby has a good day. We

don't know if they will, but we're all going to
find out together. We walk onto the plane knowing

that everybody hates us. We haven't even done
anything yet. We took one step onto the plane

and everybody's like a man. [laughter] We get
it. We really do. But sometimes a baby's just

going to baby and there's nothing we can do
about it. But turns out if you even show the

slightest bit of annoyance on your face towards my
child, I will assault you. [applause] Turns out,

so we're on a flight. I'm on my way to go do
some shows. I got my baby sitting in my lap.

I'm traveling with my nanny right next to me.
There's a walkway right here. And then somebody's

grandma sitting across from me right there. Now,
she wasn't an old, frail grandma. If you saw her,

you wouldn't be judging me so hard for almost
getting a fight with her. Somebody's grandma

sitting right there. I got my baby sitting
in my lap. Maybe an hour into the flight,

my baby starts crying. Out of the corner of my
eye, I see this lady over here go like this.

And at first, I was like, "Oh,
[laughter] that wasn't about us,

was it? I see she's texting on her phone." I
said, "Oh, you know what? She probably got a

text message that she didn't like
and that's why she did that. Oh,

this probably doesn't have anything to
do with us. Oh my gosh. Let me not jump

to conclusions cuz I had my parachute on
ready to jump to conclusions. [laughter]

I said, "You know what? That probably
wasn't even about us. Let me just mind

my own business. Maybe another hour goes by.
My baby starts fussing again. Sure enough,

this lady over here, and all of the sudden,
the blood in my body begins to boil.

My third nipple is on fire. The blood is rising
through my chest into my face. The hair on my

head is standing up. Fur is growing on my arms.
Claws come out of my hands. I'm like, "Oh no,

what's happening? Is this how I get a felony?"
[applause] I turn to my nanny next to me,

partly to warn her for what's about to go down.
The other part is me gauging to see if she has my

back. [laughter] I turn to my nanny. I say loud
enough for the lady to hear me. I said, "Okay,

look, there's a lady over here." But every time
my baby fusses, she huffs and she puffs. Well, she

got about one more huff and one more puff before
this flight's about to get rough. [cheering]

[applause]

I think it really helped to deescalate
the situation [laughter] because by the

time I turn around, this lady's now playing
peekab-boo with my baby. Like, [laughter]

she had a little change of heart. [laughter] She
also ordered about three plastic cups of wine.

I said, "Okay, maybe grandma just needed her
juice." But I thought it was wild that my body

felt like it was losing control in rage. All
because an old lady went like this. Imagine the

day when my daughter's at the playground and some
little kid pushes her. [laughter] Parents, help

me. [laughter] How do you not fight a kid? I hope
that I could be the type of parent that would see

that situation happen and respond in a way that's
like, "Oh, no, no, no, no, no. We don't push. We

don't push." What's your name? Miho, what's your
name? [laughter] Tyler. Tyler, we don't push. No,

we give hugs. Can you give a hug? Okay, thank
you. That's nice. I hope I can respond like that.

I don't think that's going to
be my story. [laughter] I think

my story is going to end up on the 10:00 news.

We're coming to you live from the scene
at a local playground where a woman with

superhuman strength has lifted a
slide right out of the concrete.

She has thrown this slide clear across the
playground, narrowly missing a child named

Tyler. [laughter] We believe the woman is
one of the other children's grandmother

based on the elasticity in her face [cheering]
or the lack thereof. [applause] Moments ago,

we thought we heard gunshots. Turns
out the woman was just bending down.

was the sound of her knees popping.

Frightened witnesses say when the
woman drove into the parking lot,

she was bumping Tupac Shakors.
Hit him up. Los Angeles. I'm

Angela [music] Johnson Reyes. Thank
you so much. [cheering] [music]

[cheering]

[music] [cheering]

[applause]

Heat. Heat.

[music] I do it for my people.
Where you from? [music]

That's what's up. Where you from? [music]

Love. That's what's up. Wave on. Wave. [music]

Wave on. Wave on. Wave [music and singing] on.
Wave on. We can fly. We can fly. Wave on. Wave

on. Yeah. Yeah. Worldwide where I travel. Passport
[music and singing] in my saddle. Money talk so I

babble. Man, crypto. Yeah, I dabble. See, I work
hard and I play hard. Where I [music] come from,

that's a battle. Barely made it out. Got to
thank God. Wait for me. Where's the cattle? Huh?

Yeah.

Yeah. And nobody [music] hold us
down. No. I do it for my people.

Where you from? Show love. [music] That's
what's up. Where you from? Love. That's wave.

Wave. [music] Fly. Wave. Wave. Wave. [music]
Wave. Fly. Wave. Fly. Wave. On. Wave. On.

Oh, I didn't alcohol. Zero. Once you're at zero,

that means you've completed the full 300. You
pull the pen and this is going to keep the

pen goes in. Right underneath your belly
button. Yes. Like underneath or to left,

right? It says underneath the belly button.
Looking more like a little baby. Mhm.

[music]

Okay, here we go. Here we go. I'm nervous. Oh my
goodness. What are we going to do with our life?

[cheering]

Mama daddy. [laughter]

[laughter]

[snorts] You got yogurt in your
nose. Is that what that sound is?

My cream cheese.

My cream cheese. My cream cheese.

Uhoh. Uhoh. Who do you write to? Mahome. Mahome.
Water back of Kansas City Chief. You write him

messages. I write him messages and they answer
him. I mean, they answer you. Yeah. What is What

do they say? What does he say? Well, I told him
that um well, when the games are going to start,

I says, "Good luck, guys. You can do it." And
blah blah blah, you know. And then I think it's

his manager or something that answer me back.
What do they say? Yeah. They says that uh thank

you and this is so and so because he doesn't
accept messages straight to his page but he

can I can write to him in that page and he answer
me back. He says that thank you for being a true

fan and everything. Yeah. Does he ever ask you for
money? No. Okay. Good. No. No. No. No. [laughter]

Close. And once it's full, feel free to close it.
We also ask you kindly [clears throat] to please

the aisle. Let others pass and take your
[music] as quickly and safely as possible.

[music]