All language subtitles for Biloxi Blues 1988 1080p BluRay x264-OFT

♪ Somewhere there's music ♪

♪ How faint the tune ♪

♪ Somewhere there's heaven ♪

♪ How high the moon ♪

♪ There is no moon above ♪

♪ When love
is far away, too ♪

♪ Till it comes true ♪

♪ That you love me ♪

♪ As I love you ♪

♪ Somewhere there's music ♪

♪ It's where you are ♪

♪ Somewhere there's heaven ♪

♪ How near, how far ♪

♪ The darkest night
will shine ♪

♪ If you would come
to me soon ♪

♪ Until you will ♪

♪ How still my heart ♪

♪ How high the moon ♪

♪ How high... ♪

Man's voice:
I don't think much
about the big war anymore,

the one they call
The Second One,

because the small wars
that came after it

seem a lot bigger now
than the big war was.

Most people today
look back at the big one

with sort of fond memories.

It was, in a sense,
an okay war.

We knew why
we were fighting it
and we felt pretty proud

of ourselves
for being in it.

We liked the songs.
We liked the uniforms.

We liked the girls and liked
that everyone liked us.

So, looking back,
it really was
one of your better wars.

Except if you were just a kid,
a year out of high school,

heading south
in a troop train,
knowing that in two months

you'd be in some mud hole
fighting for your life.

( train whistle blows )

We were in
a filthy train

heading for basic training
in Biloxi, Mississippi.

And on the entire trip
in the train, nobody washed.

We were getting ready
to fight Germany and Japan,

but instead we were
stinking up America.

( spitting )

Hey, what the hell's
with you?

You talkin' to me,
garbage face?

Yeah, I'm talkin'
to you, pisshead!

Who are you callin'
pisshead, jerkoff?

Knock it off,
shit brains.

Up your keister
with a meat hook, Wykowski.

It was my fifth day
in the Army and so far
I hated everyone.

( whistle blowing )

Where the hell
are we, anyway?

Hey, Shakespeare,
where the hell are we?

West Virginia.

No shit.
Where is that near?

You don't know where
West Virginia is?

Didn't you ever
take geography?

I was sick that day.
( chuckles )

Hey! Hey,
what's for chow?

Turkey breasts
and white wine.

In a pig's ass.

Right, that's how
they serve it.

You better eat, guys,
'cause it ain't gonna be
this good in Mississippi.

Joseph Wykowski,
from Bridgeport, Connecticut,

had the stomach of a goat--
he could eat anything.

His favorite was Hershey bars
with the wrappers
still on them.

Arnold Epstein,
an intellectual from New York,

was my only hope
for intelligent conversation.

Hey, Arnold, if I wanted
to become a writer,

who do you recommend I read?

The entire third floor
of the New York
Public Library.

Hey, Epstein,
you wanna read somethin', huh?

Read this!
( laughing )

It was hard to believe
that these guys had

mothers and fathers who were
worried about them.

( distant coughing )

♪ Pardon me, boy,
is that the Chattanooga
choo-choo? ♪

♪ Track 29 ♪

♪ Boy, you can
give me a shine ♪

♪ Can you afford
to board... ♪

Man: Shut him up!

What?
♪ The Chattanooga
Choo Choo? ♪

♪ I've got my fare ♪

Wake him up,
for Christ sakes.

♪ Just a-- ♪
what the hell
is wrong with you?!

It's 2:30 in
the goddamn morning
and you were singin' again.

I was not.

You was not?
You practically made a record.

What was I singin?

♪ Chattanooga Choo Choo. ♪

Chattanooga Choo Choo?
( laughing )

I don't even know
Chattanooga Choo Choo.

Whoa, Goddamn it!
Ohh!

Somebody let go!
( laughing )

Hey, was it you, Carney?

No, I was singin'.
I'm not gonna do that
when I'm singin'.

Maybe you sang
to cover it up.

Hey, Jerome,
write this in your diary--
"Major fart in West Virginia."

Wait a minute--
it's coming from up there.

Hey, Bombardier,
kill Germans, not GIs.

( laughing )
Wykowski: Oh, brother.

I'm sorry,
I'm not feeling very well.

Yeah, well, now we're all
not feeling very well.

Does anyone have
an Alka-Seltzer tablet?

Pluggin' it up
ain't gonna help, Epstein.

( laughter )

Boy, it's hot.

This is hot.

Corporal:
Find your company! Company
letters are over the door!

You will form
a single line.

Then prepare to give your name
and serial number to the men
at the desk.

Man:
What the hell you think
you lookin' at?

You just dig!
You don't stop diggin'!

Where are you guys from?

Fort Dix, New Jersey.
What's it like here?

It's real rough--
we've been here a week,

10 guys died from malaria.
Buryin' 'em in here.

Are you serious?

Aw, he's full of shit.
It's a drainage ditch.

I didn't know
it was gonna be this hot.

This is really hot.

Man:
Hey, watch out
for the pole!

Jesus!
Did you see that?

That pole just went down,
whack!

Everything falls here--
telephone poles, flag poles.

Bugs eat 'em.
Pretty soon we're
all gonna go.

It never got this hot
in Brooklyn.

This is like Africa-hot.

Tarzan couldn't take
this kind of hot.

Better get a shine
on those shoes, rookie.

( laughs )

I think they've taken us
to a German prison camp.

Detail, halt!

You men fall out
and fall in on me.
Column o' twos, down here.

( rhythmic cadence )

This here platoon
is assigned to this barrack.

You will remain here until
further instructions
from your sergeant.

You will remain
on your feet,

no smokin'
and no goddamn
tobacco chewin'.

At ease.

No tobacco chewin'?
He must think we're
stagecoach drivers.

Shut your ass, Jerome.
These non-coms
hear everything.

Perfect. It only
took the Army five minutes
to turn Wykowski into a robot.

Jesus, I'm drippin' wet.
This place is like
a steam bath.

I don't know
if I can stay here
if it's gonna be this hot.

I should've joined the Navy.
The Navy's cooler.

Navy's for homos.

I pictured the Army different.

I pictured a lot of doughnuts
and USO dancers.

Hi, how are you?

Good to see you.

Hello, soldier.

Hello.
Hi, Sergeant.

( sergeant in distance )
One, two, three, four!

Hmm.

One, two, three, four!

Detail, attention.

Sorry, men, perhaps I didn't
make myself clear.

Detail, ten-hut!

Good. Good.
At ease, gentleman.

My name is Toomey,

Sergeant Merwin J. Toomey,

and I'm in charge
of this platoon during
your 10 weeks

of basic training here
in beautiful Biloxi,
Mississippi,

after which you'll be sent
to some shit island
in the Pacific

or some turd pile
in Northern Sicily.

In either case, returning
to your mommas and papas

with your balls intact
in highly improbable.

I speak from experience,

having served 14 months
in the North African campaign

where 73% of my comrades
are buried,

having donated a small portion
of my brains to this conflict,

the other potion
being protected

by a heavy steel plate
in my head.

( popping sound )

I'd like you to answer
when your name is called.

The answer to that question
is "ho."

Not "yes," not "right,"

not "here," not "sir"--

any other unacceptable
form of reply

except
the aforementioned "ho."

Am I understood?

( men say "ho" )

Peek, David P.
Ho.

Hennessey, James J.
Ho.

Wykowski, Joseph T.
Ho.

Selridge, Roy W.
Ho.

Carney, Donald J.
Ho.

Jerome, Eugene M.
Ho.

Epstein, Arnold B.
Ho, ho.

Are there two Arnold
Epstein's in this company?

No, Sergeant.

Just give me one goddamn "ho."

Yes, Sergeant.

Epstein, Arnold B.
Ho.

One more time.
Ho.

Do I make myself
clear, Epstein?

Ho.

Do I make myself
clear, Jerome?

Ho, yes.

Ho, what?

Ho, nothing.

You having trouble
understanding me, Jerome?

Ho, no.

I mean, no, ho,
Sergeant.

It's just plain ho.

( groans )

Hey, Fred Astaire, are you
tryin' to tell me somethin'?

I have to go
to the bathroom, Sergeant.

How you gonna do that?

We don't have
bathrooms in the Army.

They had them in Fort Dix.

Not bathrooms, they didn't.

Yes they did.
I went in them a lot.

I'm tellin' you,
we don't have any
bathrooms on this base.

You doubt my veracity?

No, Sergeant.

Then you got a problem,
haven't you, Epstein?
Ho, ho.

You bet your ass,
ho, ho.

You know why
you got a problem, Epstein?

'Cause I have to go real bad?

No, son, you got a problem
because you don't know
Army terminology.

The place where a US soldier
goes to defecate,

relieve himself, open
his bowels, shit, fart, dump,

crap and unload
is called a latrine.

Latrine, from the French.
( laughing )

Do you want
to tell us what's funny
about that, Jerome?

Well, it's just that
you said all those words
in one sentence, Sergeant.

Apparently,
I don't believe

you understand the benefit
of discipline, do you, Jerome?

The benefit?
Yes, I think I do.

Then tell it to me, Jerome.
What is the benefit
of discipline?

Well, it's to benefit
the Army's...

to the way that soldiers...

to--
whatever you say, Sergeant.

You lookin' to get
your ass in a sling, boy?

No, Sergeant,
it's fine the way it is.

The benefit of discipline
is that it will win
this war for us.

Therefore, until you learn
that fact,

I'll just have
to keep teachin' it to you.

Selridge, 100 push-ups.

Hit the deck.
Me? I didn't say nothin'!

Correct, boy,
we're doin' this to teach
Jerome about discipline.

On your face,
soldier!

Do you think you
get my meaning now
about discipline?

Ho, yes, ho.

Well, then,
let's try it out.

I want another man down there
give me 100 push-ups.

I want you
to pick him out for me.
Who will it be, boy?

Speak up, Jerome.

Tell me the name
of the man you think is
most lacking in discipline.

Well, we really just
met on the train, Sergeant.

I don't even know
all their names yet.

I can understand your
reticence to speak up, Jerome.

No one's gonna like
hearin' his name called.

Why don't you just
whisper it in my ear?

Wykowski?
He's the biggest man
in the company.

That took guts, Jerome,
but if that's your wish,

your wish will be obeyed.

Wykowski, 100 push-ups
for me and your buddy here.
Hit the deck.

Now who can we pick to join
these men in a show
of comradeship?

Whisper it to me,
Jerome.

The entire platoon
except yourself?

By God,
that's a good choice.

You won't have many
friends here, soldier,
but I'll be one of them.

Tell 'em to hit
the deck for you.

You want me to say it?

It was your idea!

Platoon, hit the deck.

Shout it, boy!

Platoon,
hit the deck!

Tell 'em what we want, Jerome!

100 push-ups!

Man asked for 150 push-ups.
You heard him, men.

Now, count off!

( counting )

( coughing )

Epstein:
Watch out! Let me through!

Ahh! Head's up!

If this keeps up,
we're gonna lose this war.

They'll be speakin'
German in Chicago.

We could all say
we caught cold
and go on sick call tomorrow.

You don't go on sick call
with this guy unless
a tank runs over you.

Jesus, this thing's
a slingshot.

Is this bunk taken?

Oh no, I don't mind dyin',
but I don't want to get
my nose blown off.

( man clapping slowly )
Carney: Hooray, hooray.

What could I do?
I could be shot for
disobeying orders.

Carney:
You must have done something
to get him so pissed off.

Nothing, I swear.
He's nuts.

Maybe the humidity
rusted his brain.

That's a good choice,
Jerome.

I'd like
to walk in my sleep
with a bayonet.

I have a curvature
of the spine.
I can't sleep on this thing.

The heat is getting hotter,
isn't it?

What's the matter,
you girls from the big city
can't take it?

I can take whatever
you can take Wykowski.

( bugle call )
Don't even tell me, they're
shipping us out today?

That's chow time.

Chow time. Wash up,
change and let's move.

Maybe there's
a place around here
where we could eat out.

It's not bad.

It just needs salt and pepper
and ketchup and mustard,
that's all.

If they were to drop
this stuff over Germany,

the entire country would
come out with their hands up.

I saw this stuff
in the Bronx Zoo once.

The gorillas were
throwing it at each other.

You can get something else.
It's a government regulation.

Enlisted men must be served
palatable food.

Yeah, why don't you ask him
for some matzoh ball soup,
Epstein?

( laughing )

I hear the Army makes
a great matzoh ball soup.

It's my right to speak up.
I'm going to talk
to the sergeant.

Don't start in
with him, Arnold, he's crazy.

This is probably his recipe.

Hey.

How you doin'?
How's that?

Eugene:
He's coming for his cup
of hot blood.

Listen,
you two guys,

don't give the sergeant
any more crap, all right?

'Cause when he don't
like you, he don't like
the rest of us.

And any guy
that screws up
in this platoon

is in deep shit
with me, understand?

Who made you
lieutenant colonel?

I did--
I promoted myself.

And if I have to do any more
push-ups on account of you,

you're gonna be
underneath me when
I'm doin' 'em.

Well, now I know
who the fruits are.

Hey, did you guys hear
what happened over
at Baker company?

Some guy went nuts,
said he was going home.

He didn't want no part
of this Army.

An officer tried to stop him
and the kid belted him one.

Said the guy's sure to get
five to 10 years
in Leavenworth.

I thought
this was Leavenworth.

How are my boys doin'?

First rate, Sarge.

Surprisingly
interesting food, sir.

They don't give you enough.

Not hungry, Epstein?

I find enough nourishment
in bread and water, Sergeant.

You're gonna need
plenty of nourishment

with 10 back-breaking
weeks ahead of you.

Starting at 5:00 a.m., we're
going on a little hike, boys.

5:00 a.m.?

Ain't nothin' like seein'
the sun come up over
a Mississippi swamp.

You boys arrived here
a day late and I got
to make up that time.

That's a reasonable request
to make, isn't it, Jerome?

Well, we sort of elected
Wykowski our leader.

I think that he ought
to answer that.

Toomey:
Is that right, Wykowski?

I don't question orders,
Sergeant, I just follow them.

That's a good
answer, Wykowski.

It's a chicken shit one,
but it's a good answer.

How about you, Epstein?
Are you up? 15-mile walk?

No, Sergeant.

No?

Epstein's not up to it, men.
Why's that, Epstein?

We've been on a train
for three days
and three nights.

We haven't had
one good night's sleep
since we left Fort Dix.

I see. Okay.
Fair enough.

Epstein, you're excused
from the hike.

Thank you, Sergeant.

Get a good night's sleep,

just as soon as you've washed,
scrubbed and shined

every john, urinal and basin
in the latrine.

If it doesn't sparkle
when we get back,

Wykowski and Selridge
are gonna do 200 push-ups.

That'll put you in good
with the boys, Epstein.

I'll see the rest
of you men at 4:30 a.m.

( smacks lips )
Enjoy your meal now,
you hear?

Enjoy your meal now, you hear?

( laughing )

That's good hominy pigs
and black pea eyeballs.

I've got to make
you men strong,

because tonight
we're going to march
the entire platoon

off of a 3,000-foot cliff.

Dying makes
a man out of you.

I died in the war,
they had me cremated--

the ashes were buried
right here in my head.

You think it's funny,
Jerome?

No, I think
you're funny, Wykowski.

You forgot to eat
the aluminum tray.

Come on!
Come on, sit down.

Get off!

I got three enemies now,
Jerome-- the Japs,
the Germans and you.

I wasn't in
on that Pearl Harbor thing.

Hold it.

You still got two spoonfuls
left there, soldier.

I've had enough,
Corporal.

You take what you want,
but you eat what you take.

We don't waste
food around here.
Eat it.

I believe
the corporal said

no one leaves here till
the trays are empty and clean.

I want all trays extended
for inspection. Move it.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Is something wrong
with your meal, Carney?

Yes, Sergeant,
it's the first meal
I was ever afraid of.

You'll like it
about a month from now,

because that's how long
you'll be sittin' here.
Back to your seat.

Don't approve
of our cuisine, Jerome?

It's not that, Sergeant.
It's a religious objection.

This is the week
that my people fast
for two days.

This is July, Jerome.
Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur
are in September.

I have an
all-religious calendar
in my barracks room.

Don't you try
that shit on me again.

It's a different
holiday.

It's called
El Malaguena.

El Malaguena?

It's for Spanish Jews.

Carney,
bring your food.
Come on.

Put half your food
onto Jerome's tray.

Yes, Sergeant.

Eat in good health, Jerome,
and happy El Malaguena to you.

Come on.

What's your story,
Epstein?

Don't tell me,
today is La Cucaracha.

I have
a digestive disorder.

It's commonly known
as a nervous stomach.

I have a letter
from my internist

at Mount Sinai Hospital
on 5th Avenue.

See, the trouble is you're not
on 5th Avenue now, Epstein,

you're in Biloxi, Mississippi.
( laughs )

Corporal, make sure
that Private Epstein finishes

everything on his tray,
including that letter, hmm?

Yes, Sergeant.

Toomey:
Come on, move your ass!
Come on!

Move it!
Come on, move it now.

Goddamn bugs!
Pick it up!

Why don't they
bite each other?

They have more blood
than we have.

( monkey shrieking )

Jesus, what was that?

You are embarrassing.

Sergeant Toomey giggling.

Oh, God, you are pitiful!

You're embarrassing me
in front of the lizards
and the buzzards.

Bunch of lard-asses
I got here.

What would you do
if the Japanese Army
was behind you?

Surrender and get
some sleep.

Shut your ass, Jerome.
I ain't doin' no push-ups
in the swamp!

Lucky Epstein, back in a nice
dry latrine listening
to Jack Benny.

Come on move that.
Kick it.
( laughs )

Oh, please, God,
please let there be
a subway near here.

Come on.

Man: Get your elbow
out of my ass, asshole.

Shit.
Watch your damn gun!

Watch it.

Did I say stop?

Who stopped this march?

Goddamn it.

( frogs croaking )

Did you hear me call
"halt," Pinelli?

No, Sarge, but that looks like
pretty deep water.

No shit.
What does that mean?

Selridge?

Well, it means that...

that looks like
pretty deep water.

Selridge, you would need
three promotions to get
to be an asshole.

Wykowski, how're we gonna
get to the other side
of that obstacle?

Well, either someone goes in
and sees how deep it is,

or we keep lookin'
for another place to cross.

Damn right, that's smart.
You must have been in
the First World War.

All right,
we need a volunteer

to see just how deep
that water is.

Jerome?

Yes, Sergeant?

Pick a volunteer.

Oh, no!

Why me?

Because you're
the shithead who said,

"Let's surrender
so I can get some sleep."

I hear everything,
everyone, Jerome.

Pick a volunteer.

All right, me.
I'll do it.

You don't get off
that easy, boy.
Pick a volunteer.

How about Epstein?

I guess you're gonna have
to whisper it again to me,
won't you?

Wykowski.

You must like him.
You pick him for every
shit detail, don't you?

You heard him, Wykowski,
into the water.

Those funny New York remarks
are makin' you real popular,
Jerome.

Whoa!

Guess we have to look
for another way around, men.

Selridge, Carney,
pull Wykowski out.

Eugene's voice:
It was then I decided
I had to get out of the Army.

I thought of shooting off
a part of my body I might
not need in later life,

but I couldn't find any.

Abbott:
Right face!

Come on. Left face.

Turn with the rest of 'em.

The guy hit me!

Turn with the rest of 'em.
Pick it up.

Right face!

( laughter )

Abbott:
Oh, come on, left face.
Pick up the gun.

Use your shoulder.
Turn with the rest of 'em.

Left shoulder arms!
Right shoulder arms!

Left shoulder arms!
Right shoulder arms!

Costello:
Why don't you
make up your mind?

Abbott:
Quiet! Do as you're told!

Present arms!

( gunshot in movie )
Whaa!

Costello:
I'm a bad boy!

( crowd cheering )

Narrator: It will be
tough sledding again
for these Yanks.

But the men who smashed
into Salerno from the sea

will take
their next objective, too,

whatever it may be...

from Naples to Berlin.

( cheering )

Anzio, Bataan...

Saint Lo, Iwo Jima.

Places they have never
heard of, known,
nor cared about.

They went there
and they died there.

And now they are home,

wrapped in
their country's flag

and cloaked in
their eternal greatness.

Names.

Yes, Polish and Irish
and Jewish and English names

hallow this ground,

names that make up the great
America they died for.

A terrible cost,
but less, tragically less

than what we must pay
for final victory.

"Time" Magazine estimates
the casualty rates

for a full-scale invasion
would be 68%.

68% of us will be either
killed or wounded.

No shit. So out of
the group sitting here,
how much is that?

The six of us here,
about 4.3 of us would get it.

Wow, only 2.7 of us
would live.

1.7, jerko.

Listen, if you knew
you were

one of the guys
who wasn't coming back,

if you knew that
right now,

what would you do
with the last few days
of your life?

It could be anything you want,
any fantasy.

I give everybody
five seconds
to think about it.

I thought of it-- I'd be
one of the 1.7 coming back.

That's morbid.

I liked it, let's
play for money.

For money?
Five bucks a man, the guy
with the best fantasy wins.

That's nuts.

Okay, all right, I'm in.

( laughs )

Okay. We need a judge.

I'll be the judge.

Why you?
Because I thought
of the game.

When it's my turn,
somebody else judges me.

Ante up, everybody.

Come on, Arnold,
five bucks.

I don't sell
my fantasies.

( mocking whines )

Don't be like that, Arnold.

Okay, Carney,
you're first.

You're gonna be dead,
killed in action.

What do you want to do
with the last few days
of your life?

How much time
do I have to do it in?

A week.
I need 10 days.

It's my game--
you only get a week.

What are you gonna
do with it, Donny?

Okay.

I'd sing
at Radio City Music Hall.

( laughing )

Five shows a day, my own spot.

In the audience are 5,000
screamin' gorgeous girls

and every one of 'em
wants me.

And there's one man,
the president of Decca Records

and he wants to give me
a big contract,

and I have to make
a choice.

Take the record contract.
I would take the record
contract.

Right, right,
I'd take the record contract.

Ha! Moron!
He could've humped 5,000 girls

and now he's got
a record contract
that ain't worth shit!

( laughing )
Wrong.

Because now I'm a big star
and everyone knows that stars
get all the girls they want.

Oh yeah? How?
You're dead!

Girls don't go out
with dead record stars!

( laughing )
Bullshit, it's my fantasy.

I can do
whatever I want with it!
What's my score, Gene?

Well, you started off with
an A-minus, but you ended up
with a B.

B. That's better than
I ever did in school.

Selridge is next.

Okay, okay, here we go.

( laughs )

I make it with seven
of the richest women
in the world.

And I'm so hot,
each one of 'em gives me
a million bucks.

So, at the end of the week,
I got seven million bucks.

Pretty good, huh?
( laughs )

If you're dead,
what are you gonna do
with $7 million?

I told you,
that's why I need 10 days.

I need to take a long weekend
and spend the money.

Give up, suckers,
I got you all beat.
( laughs )

Moronic.
It's beyond moronic--
it's sub-moronic.

Yeah. Go ahead,
Jerome, break their hearts
and tell 'em my score.

It lacks poetry.

I give Selridge a B-minus.

( laughing )
B-minus? You give
me a B-minus?

This creep becomes a dead
record star and he gets a B.

I want my money back.

Hey, touch that money
and you're dead.

I was kiddin'.
You think I was serious?

I was kiddin'.
Who's next?

Hennessey.
Me?

No, I'm not ready yet.

Eugene:
It's your turn.

I'm not very good
at things like this.

Come on, just say it.

No, I can't think
of anything.

He can't think of anything,
so he's out.

Tough shit.
Give him an F.
Who's next?

No, no, okay, okay.

I'd spend it
with my family.

Oh, is this guy serious?

Selridge: What an asshole.

I'd spend it with my family.

Come on, it's my last week,
I can do whatever I want.

And I'd-- yeah,
I'd like it to be
with my family.

Okay, Jerome,
what do you give him
for that crap?

Well, it's not
that interesting,
but at least it's honest.

B-plus.

Wykowski: Wow.
Okay, that's it,
this game is fixed.

I'm callin'
the military police.

I get a B-minus
for screwin' seven
millionairesses

and he gets a B-plus
for going home to his mother?

I want to change my answer.
I want to visit sick children
in the hospital.

Will you knock it off,
Selridge?

You had your turn.

Toomey:
See you in the morning.

( bugle call )

As you were.

Lights out
in five minutes, boys.

Better get your rest.

You never know what surprise
is coming up tomorrow.

Okay, Wykowski,
you're next.

Okay.
( snaps fingers )

( laughter )

I always wanted to make it
with a world-famous woman,

somebody that nobody
could have in this
country but me,

and be the only American
to have her.

Have you
someone in mind?

Yeah, I got someone
in mind.

I think we're
heading for an A-plus.

Who's the woman, Wykowski?

The Queen of England.
Boom!

The Queen of England?
Ohh!

That is disgusting,
that's like making it
with your own grandmother.

For a whole week?

Maybe we stop for
tea and crumpets.

( laughing )

Apes and gorillas,
I'm living with apes
and gorillas.

Come on, what's his score?
Give him his score.

Yeah, give the
Earl of Meatloaf his score.

This is a tough one.

I find it completely
unredeeming in every way--

morally, ethically
and sexually.

But it's got style.

A-minus.
Ohhh!

A-minus?
You're sick, Jerome.

You give the highest score
to the guy who humps

the mother
of the British empire?

So, I'm winnin', right?

Not yet, there's
two more to go.

Epstein's next. I want to hear
what his last week on earth
would be like.

( bugle call )

Probably wants to take an
English exam at city college.

Hurry up,
they're blowin' retreat.

Come on, Arnold,
it's your last week on earth.

What's your secret desire?

I don't want to say it.

If I say it,
it might not come true.

I know, I know--
he wants to pass gas.

He wants to bend over
and blow up the whole world.

( laughter )

Will you give him a chance.
He has one.

What is it, Arnold?

Eugene:
What's the last thing
you want to do on this earth?

I would like to make
Sergeant Merwin J. Toomey...

do 200 push-ups
in front of this platoon.

That's good.

I hate to admit it,
but it's good.

It's all right.
500 would have been better.

I think it's terrific.
A-plus.

Oooh!
A-plus? You're crazy--
now you can't win.

I could still tie him.

But if it's a tie,
all bets are off,
nobody wins.

Fair enough.
Somebody else has to judge me.

Wykowski, pick a judge.

Okay, sure.
I pick Selridge.

I love it.

No matter what crap he says,
he gets an A-plus.

Your money is safe, boys.

Retreat means
lights out, goddamn it!

I never had men
do push-ups in bed before.

I could start tonight.

Come on, Jerome,
let's hear yours.

All right.

Okay.

I always wanted
to get mine

by wiping out an entire
battalion of Japanese marines.

Wykowski: Forget the medals.
What do you do with your
last week on earth?

I would lose my virginity,

win the Pulitzer Prize
for Literature...

and fall in love
with the perfect girl.

Carney: Why don't you score
the winning touchdown

for Notre Dame
while you're at it?

Give him a score, Roy,
so's we can take
our money back.

I give him a C-minus.

What?

Hey, I'm not gonna let him
beat me with that pissy story.

I came up
with something hot.

I'm not giving him an A-plus
for falling in love.

Why doesn't he go home
and visit Hennessey's family?

Jesus, you're a moron!

Go look in the latrine
and see if you dropped
your brain!

Come on, Arnold.
Arnold, you win.
It's your money.

Wykowski:
Oh, man, it never fails.

It's always the Jews who
end up with the money,
right, Roy?

Selridge:
I don't know, I never met
a Jew before the Army.

Oh, they're easy to spot.
There's one.

There's another one.

They're the ones who slide
the bacon under their toast

so no one sees them eat it,
right, Jerome?

I'm not going to take
that Jew crap from you
any more, Wykowski.

I know you could probably
beat the hell out of me,

but I'm not going
to take it anymore.

Sure you will.
You're gonna take
any shit from me, okay?

Shh.

Let's see how tough you are.

Because I'm gonna--

Cut it out, Wykowski.

What difference does it make
what religion he is?

I didn't start it--
Epstein's the one who's too
good to take orders, isn't he?

Hey, if he doesn't shape up,
I'll bust his face whether
he's got a Jew nose or not!

Toomey:
Ten-hut!

What the hell's going on here?

Hennessey: Nothing, Sergeant.

What do you mean "nothing,"
Hennessey?

I heard threats,
challenges,

invitation to bust the noses
of minority races.

Hmm.

You still tellin' me
nothing's going on here?

Yes, sir.

I see.

Pinelli, Sweeney...

Davis, Polaski...

Woolridge,
hit the floor.

Give me 100 push-ups.

If I can't discipline
these boys here,

maybe the rest of you can.
Count off!

Men on ground:
One,two...

three, four, five...

six, seven, eight...

...nine, 10...
Man #1: Shit!

11, 12...
Man #2: Wykowski!

13, 14, 15...

Man #3: Son of a bitch!

16, 17...

Man #4: Goddamn it!

18, 19, 20, 21...

Eugene's voice:
I really hated myself
because I didn't stand up

for Epstein,
a fellow Jew.

Maybe it was because
I was afraid of Wykowski.

Or maybe it was because
sometimes Arnold sort of
asked for it.

But because the guys didn't
pick on me that much,

I just figured I'd stay
neutral, like Switzerland.

Man:
Ready, aim, fire!

( gunfire )

Man:
Cease fire! Cease fire!

Cease fire!

( gunfire stops )

How'd I do, Sergeant?

I can't tell, your bullets
still haven't come down.

This is pointless.

I'll take prisoners,
but I won't shoot
human beings.

Shut up, Arnold.
They'll paste those
targets on our faces.

That's a hell of a
score, Wykowski. Where'd
you learn how to shoot?

Back home.

Probably killed
his whole family.

What was that, Jerome?

I was just admiring
his skill.

Man in distance:
This ain't the boy scouts.
Let's go, rookie!

Jesus.

Are you in some kind of
goddamn trouble here, Jerome?

It's not me, Sergeant,
it's the gun.

Give me that.

Epstein, reassemble
Jerome's weapon.

( gunshot )
Man: Jesus Christ!

Deep shit, Epstein.

How deep in the shit
would you say he was in,
Jerome?

About up to here.

( reveille bugle call )

Man: Oh, God.

( men groaning )

Eugene's voice:
Arnold Epstein always took his
punishment without complaint.

I found more and more
I wanted to be his friend,

mostly because he never
seemed to need one.

Could I have a little shells
in my eggs this morning,
please?

Thank you.

Whoo-hoo!

48-hour pass.

I'm gonna eat spaghetti
with clam sauce for two days!

( laughs )
In Mississippi, they make
spaghetti with cotton.

We are set, guys.
I got the address of a place.

Yeah,
what kind of place?

You wouldn't like it,
Hennessey, they don't
have families there.

( laughing )

Goddamn son of a bitch!

What's wrong?

Hey, somebody broke into
my footlocker last night.

They emptied my wallet.

They took my pay
and every cent I had
in the world.

62 bucks.
Dirty bastard!

How do you know
somebody stole it?
Maybe you just lost it.

'Cause I counted it
before I hit the sack.

I was savin' it
for the big weekend.

Lucky I'm not wise
to who did it.
It was Epstein.

I'm tellin' you, he's tryin'
to get back at me for what
I called him.

Maybe he's sore at you,
but he's not the kind
that steals money.

Hey, who asked you,
Hennessey, huh?
What are you?

What are you,
one of those Irish Jews?

Huh? All I did was
call him a couple of names.

Where I come from
we're all polacks.

Dagoes, niggers, sheenies--
that stuff doesn't mean
crap to me!

You're a mick--
what do I care?

Yeah, half-mick...

half-nigger.

Ooh, you serious?

Yeah.

My father's Irish...

my mother's colored.

You can't be colored--
they wouldn't let you
in here with us.

No, I never told anybody.

Yeah, but I guessed it.

See, it was somethin'
I couldn't put my finger on,

but I knew there was
something wrong with you.

Yeah, I'm Black-Irish.

That's as colored as I am,
but now we know how you think,
don't we, 'Kowski?

Come here. Hey!
Hey.

I'm layin' for you,
Hennessey, okay?

After I get the bastard
who stole my money, I'm gonna
settle my score with you.

Toomey in distance:
Ten-hut!

On the double,
Toomey's here.

In the past 21 days, you boys
have made some fine progress.

You're not
fighting soldiers yet,

but I'd match you up
against some Nazi cocktail
waitress anytime.

That's why I recommended
this platoon receive
a 48-hour pass,

but first
we have to clear up

the mystery of Wykowski's
missing $62.

As I said, I hear,
smell and know

everything that goes on
in my barracks.

I am asking the guilty party
to place $62

on this here footlocker
within the next 30 seconds.

I offer no lenience,
no forgiveness,

no abstention
from punishment.

What I do offer is honor.

I'm countin' down to 30.

It is at this time
that heroes are made.

One, two...

three, four...

five, six.

There's $62, if anyone
cares to count it.

I don't think that'll be
necessary, Private Epstein.

Wykowski,
pick up your money.

I said
don't count it, boy.

Epstein...

do you have
anything to say?

No, Sergeant.

May I ask why you decided
to return the money?

I chose to.

You chose to?

Knowing full well
that swift and just punishment

may be inflicted upon you
when and if this is reported
to the commanding officer.

I know it only too well.

Last night, at 0100 hours,
I wandered through
this barracks,

I saw carelessness,
complacency.

Wykowski's wallet lying
in an open footlocker,
inviting...

temptation and weakness.

I took your $62, Wykowski,

I returned the empty wallet
to its place.

I did it
to teach you a lesson,

instead I got submarined.

Epstein, are you
such a goddamn ignorant fool

to take the blame
for something you were
completely innocent of?

The Army has its logic,
I have my own.

Epstein, I'd like a word
with you in private.

The rest of you are
on 48 hours leave. Fall out!

( sighs )

( coughs )

Why?
Just tell me why.

It's my job.

( door slams shut )

You listen to me,

you flyspeck
on a mound of horseshit.

You're takin' me on,
aren't you?

I have a nutcracker
that crunches the testicles
of men that take me on.

How the hell do you think
you can beat me?

I'm not trying
to beat you.

I just don't think it's
necessary to dehumanize

a man in order
to get him to perform.

You can better
results raising our spirits
than lowering our dignity.

This isn't
Sunday school, Epstein,
this isn't "pass or fail,"

this is Death shit
we're talking about.

Why in hell did
you put back money
you knew you didn't take?

Because I knew you did.

I saw you take it.

I think inventing a crime
that didn't exist

to enforce your theories
of discipline

is Neanderthal
in its conception.

You may be the first man
to reach Berlin, Epstein,

because I'm sending you in
before everyone.

Men do not face
enemy machine guns

because they've been treated
with kindness.

I don't want them human.
I want them obedient.

I'm tryin'
to save those boys lives,
you crawlin' bookworm.

You stand in my way,
I'll pulverize you

into chicken droppings.

You know, I don't
get you, Epstein.

What'd you do a dumb-ass thing
like that for?

What's the difference?

I knew he took the money.

And I knew I'd end up
cleaning latrines.

I thought I'd save
everybody some time.

Yeah, well...

anyway, I owe you one.

You stuck your neck
out for us and I like
to pay back my debts.

Hey, listen,
it's not gonna come out again,

so take your chance
while you got it.

Let's not be hypocritical.

I did what I did for me,
not for you.

You know what?

I'm not gonna make any more
Jew cracks at you, Epstein,

'cause you are a shitheel
no matter what you are!

Let's go, Roy.

Why is it we come
from the same background,
but I can't understand you?

You're a witness.

You're always standing around
watching what's happening.

You know,
scribbling in your book
what other people do.

You have to get
in the middle of it.

You have to take sides.

Make a contribution
to the fight.

What fight?

Any fight.

The one you believe in.

Until you do, you'll never
be a writer, Eugene.

Carney:
♪ No, no, no, don't go
walkin' down lover's lane ♪

♪ With anyone else but me ♪

♪ Till I come ♪

♪ Marchin' home! ♪

Hey, hubba, hubba!
Look at that, look at that,
women!

Hey, honey,
you got 34 friends?!

( laughs ) Hey, Wykowski,
maybe the Queen of
England's in town.

♪...loves to pet
and fits you to a "T" ♪

Don't blow smoke in my face.
I'll stink from tobacco.

Stop worrying, nothing can
penetrate that Aqua Velva.

Hey, Carney, are you goin'
to Selridge's place?

Yeah, sure. Why not?
What about you.

Maybe. I thought I'd
look around first, see
if I meet a nice girl.

No chance-- there's 14,000
GIs on leave in Biloxi

and only 12 Catholic girls,
all handcuffed to nuns.

Why don't you
come with us?

This isn't your first time,
is it?

I mean, you've
done it before, right?

Yeah, sure,
are you kidding?

Five or six times.

Well, if you did it before,
why are you doing it again?

What-- what do you mean?
( laughs )

You're kidding me, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm kiddin'.

I'm kiddin'.
Couldn't you tell?

( laughs )

( men cheering )

It looks like a bad day
to fall in love.

Why don't we get
some ice cream before
we go to the place?

All right.

( whistles )

Whoo!

They're not bad,
are they?

Sure, if you wait your turn
you'll be too old to screw.

You guys comin', or not?

Yeah, we're comin'.
Right, Gene?

You bet!
Let me at 'em!

( dog barking )

This is it--
Peachtree Street.

Kind of a crummy neighborhood,
isn't it?

She ain't sellin'
stocks and bonds--
I don't believe this guy.

Hey, Gene, can you loan me
10 bucks in case I want
to go twice?

Tw-- what do you mean?
She charges you every time
you have a...?

Yeah, yeah,
she has a cash
register on her bed.

Will you come on?

How does she know
you had one?

Because your eyes spin around,
and when they stop

on two pineapples,
you just had one.

( laughs )

21, this is it.

( man, yelling )
Get up, get up!

It looks like a place where
they sell used radio parts.

( sighs ) What did we
bring this guy for?

Let's toss for
who's gonna go first.

I'm gonna go first.

Yeah, I meant
the rest of us will toss.

Naturally,
you'll go first.

A half an hour
he's been in there.

If he doesn't hurry,
I'm gonna pass my peak.

Hey, what if she's ugly?
I mean, really ugly?

Then you close your eyes
and you think of some
cheerleader.

I don't want to close my eyes.
That's the same as doing it
to yourself.

Not if you're feeling someone
underneath you.

Or on top of you.

On top of me?

Who would be
on top of me?

She would.
She could be anywhere--

under a table, on a chair,
or an ironing board.

On an ironing board?

What kind of a girl
is this?

I thought we were
going to a regular place.

Don't you know anything?

Maybe not
in actual experience.

I have all
the information I need.

You don't know shit,
Jerome.

Do you know how many
positions there are?

American
or worldwide?

( laughs )
This guy is a riot.

For five bucks,
how many positions are there?

Let me think.

You want me to tell you?
No.

I'm going to tell you--
there are 17 acceptable
positions.

Acceptable?
What is there,

an Olympic committee
that votes on positions?

I can't believe
this guy's from New York.

Besides, you're wrong.
There's 52 positions.

52? You're crazy,
where did you ever
get that from?

I saw a dirty
deck of cards once.

( chuckles )

This jerk is worse
than Epstein.

You owe me five bucks.

Hey, listen, twerp,

you're lucky
if you do one position.

I'm not doing anything
if it's on an ironing board.

Why not? You'll get
your shirt pressed for free.

Well?
Tell us, tell us.

She wants to see me again
after the war.

( yells )

( laughing )

See you fellows
at the USO.

Okay, who's turn is it?

You go ahead.
I just had lunch.

I don't wanna get cramps.

Yeah.

I'll try and leave a little
something for you guys.

( knocks )
Hey, how you doin'?

Listen, if you're
really nervous about this,
we don't have to do this.

There's that dance
at the USO.

Oh no, I want to do it.

I don't mean
I want to do it,
I think I should do it.

I mean, eventually
I have to do it, right?

Well, yeah, eventually.

Look, why don't we just
go to the dance?

We can always come
back later.

Yeah. We could always
come back later.

Don't tell the other guys
I didn't do it, will you?

They'll know it.
They'll see it on your face.

No, they won't.
I'm a good actor,
I can act like I did it.

Come on, let's just go.

My cap. Shit!

I left my cap upstairs.

Well, go get it.

You're through already?
That was fast.

Never even made it
to the bed.

I knew I hit my peak
too soon.

You the only one left, honey?

What? Oh, yeah.
I guess I am.

Well, let's get going, sugar,

I got some Navy boys
coming at 2:00.

Radio:
♪ Blue moon ♪

♪ You saw me
standing alone... ♪

Very pleased to meet you.

♪ Without a dream
in my heart... ♪

( kids laughing )

Hey, come on, kid.
I haven't got all day.

Radio:
♪ You knew just what
I was there for... ♪

It's chilly in here,
isn't it?

( laughs )
Yeah, about 96 degrees.

Listen, you can keep
your shorts on if you want,

but I have a rule against
wearing Army shoes to bed.

Oh.

I was just about
to take them off.

I always take them off.

You don't mind a little
perfume, do you, honey?

There was a boy here
this morning

had on a gallon
of Aqua Velva, nearly
drove me crazy.

No, that's okay.
You can even spray
some on me.

( laughs )

Gee, that smells good.

If you'd like a bottle
for your girlfriend,

I sell them $5 apiece.

You sell perfume, too?

I sell hard to get items--

silk stockings,
black panties.

You interested?

Do you carry men's clothing?

( laughs )
That's cute.

You're cute, honey.

Is this your first time?

My first time?

Are you kidding?
That's funny.

No, it's my second time.

First time
they were closed.

You don't smoke cigarettes,
either, do you?

How do you know that?

Looked like your face
was on fire.

If you want to look older,
why don't you try a moustache?

( shoes drop )

What's your name?

Rowena, what's yours?

It's Eug--
Eug?

It's a huge name.

It's Jack Bobby
Lou Mulgreavy.

Where are you from,
Bobby Lou?

Texarkana.

Is that right?

Yes, ma'am.

Is that Texas or Arkansas?

Arkansas, I think.

You think?

Well, we left there
when I was two and moved
to Georgia.

Really? You a cracker?

What's a cracker?

Someone from Georgia.

Oh, yeah,
I'm a cracker.

Whole family's crackers.

Were you born in Biloxi?

No, Gulfport.
I still live there
with my husband.

Your husband?

You're married!
My God, he'll kill me
if he finds me here.

No, he won't.

Does he know that you're a--

Why sure he does.
That's how we met.

He's in the Coast Guard.

He was one
of my best customers.
He still is.

You mean you charge
your own husband?

I mean, he's my best lover.

You gonna do it
from there, cowboy?

'Cause I'll have to make
some adjustments.

I was just waiting
for you to get ready.

I'm always ready, sugar.

You want to pull down
the window shade?

Sure.

( children arguing )

You scared, honey?
First time and all?

A little, I guess.

Don't fret about it.

When it's a boy's first time
it makes it feel

like it's my first time.

Do you like the left side
or the right?

If we do it right, hon,
we're gonna use both sides.

You come to Mama now.

Would it be okay if we didn't
use the word "mama?"

It makes me think
of my mother

and that sort of kills it,
you know?

Sure.

That's a boy.

There now.

Come on.

Okay, honey,

do your stuff.

What stuff is that?

Whatever you like to do.

Didn't anyone ever
teach you anything?

Well, my brother
showed me a few things.

You look a lot different
from my brother.

( laughs )
You're sweet.

I went to high school
with a boy like you.

Had the biggest
damn crush on him.

Listen, don't be offended,

but this really doesn't
have to be the greatest
experience of my life.

I really just wanted
to get it over with.

You just let Rowena take
care of everything, honey.

All you got to do is put
your arms around me.

Come on.

That's it.

There now,
you're doing fine.

Careful, you got
your knee on my stomach

I'm sorry.

Let's get those shorts off.

That's better.

Now, isn't that better?

Oh! Oh God!

Oh! Oh God!

Relax, hon.
Nothing to it, sugar.

You're not breathing.
Breathe.

My nose is running.

No, I'm okay.

Don't stop,
baby, don't stop.
You're getting there.

Oh Jeez!

Oh my God!

( moaning )

You did it, babe.

I did it.
I did it!

( big band music playing )

Not too close, please.

Oh, forgive me.

You girls always
wear white gloves?

It's proper attire
for a young lady
at a dance.

In the old days,
a gentleman

would hold
a white handkerchief
in his left hand

as not
to touch the bare
back of his partner.

No kidding?
Next time I'll come
here in a tank.

They've got the whole
convent watching.

You can't get near
these girls unless
you're a priest.

Who wants to? I don't see
anything better than what
we just had, right, Roy?

Right, yeah.

That Rowena's a real
roller coaster, ain't she?

Hey there.

Hey, hi, guys.
What's cooking?

How'd it go?

How'd it go?

It was fine as wine.
Sort of chatty, you know
what I mean?

Chatty? First time
in the sack with a pro
was chatty?

Yeah, real smooth.
Second time was swing,
swing, swing.

Second time?
You paid twice?

No, it was a freebie.
On the house.

Why would she
give you a free one?

I don't know.
Maybe I was her
one millionth customer.

Think I'll look around.

Bullshit artist.
Let's get out of here.

( slow music playing )

Would you care to dance?

What?

I said, would you
care to dance?

Oh, I don't dance
very well.

I bet you do.

No, I swear.
I never dance.

Then why did you
come to a dance?

It's a good question.

I like to listen to music

and I was hoping that I'd meet
somebody I could talk to.

I like to talk.

Well, we can talk
while we dance.

Okay, sure.

Watch your toes.

Well, you're doing fine.

Are you counting?

A little.

I can see
your lips moving.

My lips don't move,
my feet don't move.

Is that perfume
you're wearing?

Perfume?

It's lady's perfume.

I smelled it before.
Last time two of the other
soldiers had it on.

Oh yeah,
it's for my mother.

The lady on the counter
sprayed it on me.

You think it's too strong?

Yours is a little different.

Yours has a little
Aqua Velva in it.

That's me underneath.

What's your name?

Eugene Morris Jerome.

If you want the short
version it's Eugene.

What's your name?

Daisy.
Daisy Hannigan.

Da-- no kidding?

That's a beautiful name.

Daisy is my favorite
character in literature.

Daisy Miller
or Daisy Buchanan?

Buchanan.

"The Great Gatsby"
is one of my all-time
favorite books.

I've never read
"Daisy Miller."
Is that good?

Oh, it's wonderful.

Well, you looked surprised.

We do read in the South,
you know?

I know.

You have a funny look
on your face.

I do?
Uh-huh.

It's like a birthday look.

Today isn't
your birthday, is it?

No.

Something special
happened to you today,
am I right?

Yeah.

Can you tell
me about it?

I don't think so.

I might put it in
my memoirs, though.

Oh, do you keep
a journal every day?

Yes, since I was 14.

I write down everything
that happens to me.

Do you like writing?

Yeah, it's what I hope
to be one day.

Will you write about
dancing with me tonight?

Yeah, probably.

Great.

Then if you ever
become a famous writer,

I'll be immortalized.

♪ Somewhere there's music ♪

♪ How faint the tune ♪

♪ Somewhere there's heaven ♪

♪ How high the moon ♪

♪ There is no moon above ♪

♪ When love
is far away, too ♪

♪ Till it comes true ♪

♪ That you love me ♪

♪ As I love you ♪

♪ Somewhere there's music ♪

♪ It's where you are... ♪

The sisters
are looking at me.

We're not allowed
to spend too much time
with one boy.

The song isn't over yet.

I'm entitled
to one song, right?

Can I--
you want me to get you
a Coke or something?

It's way on the other
side of the room.

The song'll be over
by the time you got back.

Yeah, let the next guy
get you a Coke.

Do you live in Biloxi?

No, we go to school
in Gulfport.

Gulfport, really?

No kidding.
I know a girl from Gulfport.

Really? Who is she?
Maybe I know her.

Oh, no, I don't think so.

She's in the
clothing business.

Well, I really have to go.

It's very nice
meeting you, Eugene.

Are you going to be back
here next weekend?

No, we only come
in once a month.

Maybe I could come out
to Gulfport.

Well, we're really not
allowed to make dates.

Well, it wouldn't be a date
if I was just to bump
into you, would it?

Well, it would be
if I went to confession.

Especially if I told you
I went to St. Mary's
on Piermont Street.

Goodbye, Eugene.

Goodbye, Daisy.

Eugene,

you didn't say one wrong thing
in that whole conversation.

( big band music playing )

Did you ever have one
of those perfect days?

I can't believe
what this creep's been
writing about us.

Listen to this.

"No matter how lunatic
I think Sergeant Toomey is,

each day he goes
a little further.

Yesterday,
in front of everybody,

he made Epstein unscrew
the top of his head and take
his brains out."

I fooled him.

I only took out
my mucous membranes.

Hubba, hubba.

What a weekend.
How's you guys do?

Hey, you ought to listen
to this 'cause you're
in it too.

Yeah, what is it?

"The Secret
and Private Memoirs
of Eugene M. Jerome."

He let you read that?

No, but we're gonna ask
him if it's all right
when we get through.

( laughing )
When we get through.

You have no right
to read that.

That's like opening
somebody's mail.

Oh, bullshit!
Come on, now.

It's private things
about all of us

and that's public domain
like in the newspapers.

Newspapers are published.
Unpublished memoirs

are the sole and private
property of the writer.

You know, I thought
all Jews were doctors.

I didn't know
they were lawyers too.

I'm not a Jew
anymore, Wykowski.

What do you mean?

I converted to Catholicism
yesterday.

In six weeks I hope
to become a priest.

And my first act of service
to the Holy Father

is to have you
ex-communicated.
So get off my ass.

( laughing )

That's good.
That's funny.

He got you
that time, 'Kowski.

Shut up.

I thought you were
Eugene's friend, Epstein.

He left his locker open.

Why would he leave something
so private in an open locker?

It has no logic to it.

I have no interest
in illogical things.

You tell Gene I had
nothing to do with this,
you hear?

Go on, keep reading.

"One night, a sudden
scream from Selridge

calling out
the name Louise.

Is Louise his girlfriend
or his mother?"

He's full of crap.

Yeah, well, who's Louise?

My mother.
But he's full of it.

I never called
my mother Louise.

Poor baby
wants his mother.

Hey, it's him.

Two in one day.
Two in one day.

Can you believe it?
Two what?

Two fantasies came true.

I lost my virginity
and I fell in love.

With Rowena?
I can't wait for her
to meet your parents.

Her name is Daisy.
Daisy Hannigan.

Every time I say it
I get tiny little
heart attacks.

Not enough to kill you.

Just enough to keep
you from walking straight.

Hey!

Anybody seen my notebook?

What notebook is that?

The one I'm always
writing in.

Arnold, have you seen it?

Why did you leave
your locker open?

Because I lost the key
down the shower drain.

There was nothing valuable
in there except my notebook.

I thought I could trust
the guys around here.

That's really funny,
Jerome, you know,

'cause we thought
we could trust you too.

What does that mean?

"One night a sudden scream
from Selridge..."

Give me that!
"...calling out
the name Louise.

"Is Louise his girlfriend
of his mother?"

You have
no right to read that.

And you got no business
writing down my dreams.
They're private property.

Give it back to him.
Nobody is interested.

You interested in what he
thinks about you, Donny boy?

Give it to me!

I'm just going to hold
your arm.

If you want it broken,
it's up to you.

'Kowski, please
don't read that.

If it gets boring,
I'll stop.

"I can't make
Don Carney out yet.

Basically he's okay
and I like him.

But there's something
about him you can't
quite count on

and if I was ever
in real trouble

Don Carney's the last one
I'd turn to."

Well, let's just hope
you don't have to count
on me.

It doesn't mean anything.

I get a thought
and I write it down.
It changes every day.

Let him go, Selridge.

You want to take his place?

I don't care
who's arm I break.

Okay, you ready
for the best part?
Here's the best part.

"Wykowski is pure animal.

He masturbates in bed
four or five times a night.

He has no shame about it

and his capacities
are enormous.

Sometimes when he has
a discharge he announces
it to the room.

Number five torpedo fired,
loading number six."

Hey, Epstein, can I sue him
for defamation of--

What is it?
Character?

Only if his intent
is to prove malice.

And in your case,
it's not possible.

Read more.

Where was I?

You just fired
number five.

"Despite Wykowski's
lack of culture,

sensitivity or the pursuit
of anything

that is minutely
intellectual,

his greatest strength
is his consistency
of character

and his earnest belief
that he belongs on
the battlefield.

He is clearly the best
soldier in the pl--

in the platoon,
dependable under pressure,

and it would not surprise
me if Wykowski

came out of the war
with the Medal of Honor."

You really mean
that, Jerome?

I told you, I don't
mean any of it.

Right now I would describe
you in three words.

A yellow bastard!

Yeah, well,

they don't give the Medal
of Honor to yellow bastards.
Let him go, Sel.

What do you want to write
this stuff down for?

You're only gonna make
a lot of guys unhappy.

What I write in my book
is my business.

Now give it to me.
Don't I get to hear
my life story?

Arnold, I beg you,

don't read that.

They're my
private thoughts.

If you take them,
you steal from me.

I gather then
it's unflattering.

Don't you know me
by now, Gene?

I can't be unflattered.
I'm past it.

However, if you
don't want me to read it,
I won't read it.

But I don't think
we'll be able to be
truly honest

with each other
from this moment on.

Put it back
when you're through.

Well, don't we
get to hear it?

( clears throat )

"Arnold Epstein's constant
and relentless pursuit

of truth, logic and reason
fascinates me

in the same proportion
as his obstinacy

and unnecessary heroics
drive me to distraction.

But I love him for it,

in the same manner I love
Joe DiMaggio for making
the gesture

of catching a long flyball
to center.

Seems like the last miracle
performed by God
in modern times.

But often I hold back
showing my love and affection
for Arnold

because I think he might
misinterpret it.

It just happens to be
my instinctive feeling

that Arnold--

is...

homosexual.

And it bothers me
that it bothers me."

( bugle playing )

Do you see why I find
life so interesting?

Because here is a man
who in three weeks

has come to the brilliant
conclusion

that a cretin
like Wykowski is going to win
the Medal of Honor

and that his most esteemed
and dearest friend is a fairy.

Toomey: Lights out!

( men chatting )

( bugle playing )

It is my opinion
that no one here

gets a wink of sleep tonight.
Goodnight, fellows.

Eugene:
The weekends I spent
with Daisy

made the weeks I spent
in the Army even more
unbearable.

I knew this romance
would never survive the war

or the differences
in our backgrounds
or our futures.

But I didn't let Daisy
know I felt that way.

I wanted every hour we spent
together to be perfect.

And it was because I think
she knew it too.

( chatting )

Who the hell
turned this light out?

Oh, the stripes!
Who's there?

Goddamn it, Lindstrom.

Why didn't you tell
the Army what you were

and save the trouble
of a court-martial?

The other soldier
with Private Lindstrum

flew out that window
with the dexterity
of a paratrooper.

He was seen
but not identified

entering the latrine window
of my barracks a few
minutes later.

Unlike the missing $62,

this time it wasn't me.

So, who the hell was it?

Private Lindstrom,
nervous young man,

who will surely crack under
the strain of investigation.

Therefore, if the guilty party
in this room

wishes to admit
his indiscretion,

he will not only
lessen his sentence
in Leavenworth Prison,

but will save this company
what I promise you will be

pain, anguish and humiliation
beyond the endurance of man.

I take it
that honor and integrity

are traits not to be found
anywhere in this company.

Jerome?
Yes, Sergeant?

What would you do
in my place?

I'm not in your place,
Sergeant.

I know you write down
everything you see
in that book of yours.

Is there anything that
happened tonight that
might be of interest to me?

I was asleep,
Sergeant.

If you weren't,
you wouldn't tell me
anyway, would you?

No, I don't think
I would.

I got another Epstein
on my hands, don't I?

Okay, men, all
base privileges are canceled.

All weekend passes,
likewise canceled.

The moral of this story is,
when you get real horny,

do it to yourself
what you would otherwise
do unto others.

Dismissed.

What we gonna do
about this?

Don't say it, Wykowski.
Just don't-- don't--

Hey, I don't have to say it.

We all know who he's talkin'
about-- you even wrote it down
in your book, didn't you?

Yeah, I also wrote down
that you're an animal.

If I'm right, then you should
be in the cavalry with
a saddle on your back.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, this is
none of our business!

Man: Hey, come on!

Just let the Army
take care of this.

I'm sorry, Arnold.

I swear to God,
I'm sorry I ever wrote it.

Actually,
I'm rather enjoying it.

It sounds like
an Agatha Christie story,

"Sodomy
on the Orient Express."

Hey, Epstein, let's see
if you'll be laughing
at Leavenworth.

And he calls me a cretin.

I don't see what's
such a big deal--

Guy should be able to do
what he wants to do,

just as long as
he doesn't do it to me.

That's a mistake, Gene.

Once you start compromising
your thoughts,

you're a candidate
for mediocrity.

There's nothin'
we can do about it tonight.

Let's hit the sack.

Eugene's voice:
I learned a very
important lesson that night.

People believe
whatever they read.

Something magical happens
once it's put down on paper.

They figure no one would have
gone to the trouble

of writing it down
if it wasn't the truth.

Responsibility was
my new watchword.

Hey MPs, that Lindstrom guy
must have talked.

Jesus, you mean they're gonna
pull the guy right out
in front of everyone?

( whistle blows )

When the following
soldier's name is called,

he is requested to accompany
the military police back
to headquarters.

Hennessey, James J.

( laughs )
What's it about?

That's a matter
for you to discuss
with the authorities.

Come on, son.

( whistle blows )

Eugene's voice:
Hennessey was the only guy
in the platoon

who stood up
for both Epstein and me.

That fact didn't even
occur to me until I saw him
being driven off to prison.

( bugle call )

( bugle continuing )

( bugle call ends )

Boy, it's hot.

Hey, come on,
let's go get a beer.

Arnold...

don't you wanna go?

Why do you think
I'm a homosexual?

I don't know.

Maybe it's because you never
once talked about a girl.

I never talked
about dogs either,

does that make me
a cocker spaniel?

I know.
I'll never do it again.

Toomey: Epstein!

( glass breaks )

Is it "Epstein..."

or "Epsteen"?

"Epsteen."

"Epsteen..."

I wonder if I may
have a word with you
in private, please?

Jesus, he's drunk
as hell.

Did you hear what I said,
"Epsteen"?

Your insignificant presence
is requested in my chambers.

You okay, Sarge?

Get out of here, Jerome,
before I start hatin'
you again.

Or if I kill
the both of you,

they can still
only hang me once.

Let's go, "Epsteen."

We got some bills to pay up,
you and I.

You and me.

Move your ass, sonny!

You don't want
to do this, Sarge.

But I do,
I really, really do.

It's all right, Gene.

No, it isn't.

Unless you want
to write in you memoirs
that you're dead,

I'd move out if I was you,
Gene, buddy.

"Epstein," let's go,
Goddamn it.

Don't do it, Arnold.
He won't do anything
as long as I'm a witness.

Okay, fine with me.

"Epsteen,"
go clean the latrine.

It's in my room, Jerome.

You're now about to move up
to the front lines.

Come on.

Have a drink, Jerome.

I don't drink whiskey,
Sergeant.

You will tonight.

Why?

Because I say so.

( gun clicks )

Okay.

I don't like you, Jerome.

I never did, never will.

I won't even like you
after the war.

Well, it probably won't
come up all that often.

All right, well--

Take a slug.

( coughs )

Tell me, Jerome...

if a piss-drunk sergeant
has a loaded .45 pointed
at the head

of a piece of dung that
the piss-drunk sergeant
hates and despises,

how would you
describe the situation?

Delicate,
extremely delicate.

Right.

He's gone nuts!

He's-- he's--
he's gonna kill him.

I'm telling you!

I'll be honest with you,
Jerome,

it was my intention
of gettin' "Epsteen" in here,

puttin' this pistol
to his ear...

blowin' a tunnel
through his head,

but you'll do
just as well.

Well, I'm sorry
to hear that.

There's something
about you New York boys

riles my ass.

You don't appreciate
the Army, do you?

There is some things
I like.

Such as?

Mail,
I like getting my mail.

Are you shittin' me,
Jerome?

A piece of dung would never
shit a piss-drunk sergeant
with a loaded .45.

Don't test me, Jerome.

I'll bury you.

( chatter )

You know what the irony
of this situation is, Jerome?

The irony is
that despite the fact

you hate every disciplined
bone in my body,

you're gonna miss me
when I go.

Are you going somewhere,
Sergeant?

Dickerson.

Veteran's Hospital.

0700, tomorrow morning.

I know how much you boys
are gonna miss me.

Don't make a fuss
or anything.

No gifts,
you understand?

Well, the guys'll
be disappointed, but
I'll explain why.

In gratitude,

the Army is going
to replace my steel plate

with Sterling silver.

That means I'll be able
to hock my head

at any pawnshop
in this country.

That's a joke, Jerome.

I know,
I love Army humor.

How long will you be gone,
Sergeant?

They don't send you back
from a Veteran's Hospital,
boy,

you become a veteran.

I'm trying to tell you,

my active career
in the US Army
has been terminated.

I'm finished.
Do you understand?

Retired before 40.
That's sad, isn't it?

Do you find that sad,
Jerome?

Yes, it is sad.

One night
from my room here,

I heard that game you played
with the men in the barracks,

how each man
could have his own fantasy

with only a week to live.

I wanna play
that game, Jerome.

Here's my five bucks.

You tell me if I win.

You can't win, Sergeant,
the game is over.

Not yet, not till
I had my turn, all right?

You know what I would do...

with my last week on earth?

I'd like to take one Army
misfit, dumb-ass,

sub-human, useless
son of a bitch,

and turn him into an obedient
disciplined soldier

this Army could be
proud of.

I got two in this company--
you and Epstein.

But Epstein's hopeless.

You're
my last hope, Jerome.

You're gonna make
my fantasy come true.

None of 'em
actually came true,
it was just a game.

Right, except tonight's
the real thing.

And I don't have a week
to do it in.

We're gonna do it now,
soldier.

On your feet, dogface.

Sergeant, I don't think you're
in any condition--

On your feet!

Ten-hut!

A crime has been committed

in this room tonight,
Jerome.

A non-commissioned officer
has threatened

the life of
an enlisted man,

brandishing a loaded weapon
at him without cause
or provocation,

while under the influence
of alcohol.

I am that officer,
Jerome.

It is
your unquestioned duty

to report this incident
to the proper authorities.

That's okay,
I didn't mind.

As I'm piss-drunk
and dangerous,

it's also
your duty to relieve me
of my loaded weapon.

I could just leave
and I would never
talk about it.

Take my weapon,
Goddamn it.

What do you mean, "take it"?
How am I supposed to take it?

Demand it, you weasel bastard.
I'll blow your puny
brains out.

Okay, okay.

May I have your gun, Sergeant?

Pistol, turd-head.

May I have your pistol,
Sergeant?

Force it
out of my hand.

Force it
out of your hand?

How am I supposed
to force it out of your hand?

Grab my wrist, if you dare.

I can't, you're
stronger than I am.

Grab it or I'll shoot,
Goddamn you!

Okay.

Okay, thank you.

Now, why don't you just try
to get a good night's sleep?

To properly charge me,
you need witnesses.

Assemble the men
outside the barracks.

Why? I took your gun.

Aren't you satisfied?
I am.

It's regulations.

As long as you
obey regulations,
I'll win the bet.

Assemble the men.

Oh.
Hi, fellas.

Would you come
outside for a minute?

Sergeant wants
to speak to us.

Men, as you can see...

I'm piss-drunk.

I've also just threatened
to blow Private Jerome's
brains out.

Private Jerome has
relieved me of my weapon,

placed me under arrest.
You're all witnesses.

Before takin' me
to headquarters
to file charges,

I'd just like to add
that Private Jerome
has displayed

outstanding courage
and carried out his duty

in a manner
of a first class soldier.

I am puttin' him up
for commendation.

I'm ready to go,
Jerome.

I think that's a decision
that should be left
to the men, Sergeant.

Is that right?

That's right.

Hmm.

Private Epstein,
in your opinion,

should we drop
the charges or not?

No. No charges.

I think
the sergeant should get

company punishment
like the rest of us.

Will that be all right,
Sergeant?

But two misfits are
in charge, huh?

Fine. Handle this
any way you want,

as long as
justice is served.

You name it, Epstein.

I think justice
would be served

if you gave us
200 push-ups.

Very decisive.

That's a disciplined soldier
for you, men.

Thank you.

Hit the dirt?

Hit the dirt!

Count off?
What?

Tell me to count off!

Right! Count off!

Yes, Private Epstein.

One, two, three...

four, five, six...

seven, eight, nine...

10, 11, 12...

13, 14, 15...

16, 17, 18...

19, 20, 21...

22, 23, 24...

Epstein's voice:
We never saw Sergeant
Toomey again.

Our new sergeant
was a sane, logical
and decent man.

And after four weeks with him,
we realized how much we missed
Sergeant Toomey.

One should never underestimate
the stimulation of
eccentricity.

I told Daisy
I was shipping out

and that this was the last
time we'd have together.

She said,
"I know you'll find
another girl some day, Gene,

but you'll never forget me,
because we'll always be each
other's first love."

Long after the war,
I ran into Daisy in New York.

She still looked great.

She married a doctor
from New Orleans.

Her name is now
Daisy Horowitz.

Oh, well,
Biloxi was beautiful.

We were heading for
the Battle of the Pacific,

and there wasn't one of us
who wasn't really scared.

But suddenly they dropped
the bomb on Hiroshima

and six days later
the war was over.

So, when you get down to it,
the only action we ever
really saw

was up in Rowena's place.

Sure, we were glad
our lives were spared,

but the guys
who came before us,

the ones who didn't
make it back home,

haunted me
for the rest of my life.

Roy Selridge decided
to make the Army his career,

and 18 years later,
he was still a buck private.

I guess he never
really did hit his peak.

Joseph Wykowski became
a high school football
coach in Albany, New York.

He's married
with six kids,

weighs 280 pounds
and has an ulcer.

He's on a low-fat
cottage cheese diet.

Don Carney became
a first grade schoolteacher

and he's someone the kids
can really count on.

He never got married,
and he enjoys singing
in his church choir.

Arnold Epstein
became a lawyer

and eventually
the District Attorney
of Brooklyn.

The mafia calls him
the most feared man
in New York.

As for me, I finally found
the perfect girl.

I got married
and had two great daughters.

I became a writer.
I wrote a few plays,

and just finished one
called Biloxi Blues.

Everything in it is true,

except that Rowena never
gave me a second one for free.

Maybe I'll leave that out
if they ever make it
into a movie.

As I look back now,
a lot of years later,

I realize that
my time in the Army was
the happiest time of my life.

God knows,
not because I liked the Army,

and there sure was nothing
to like about a war.

I liked it
for the most selfish
reason of all...

because I was young.

We all were--
me and Epstein and Wykowski,

Selridge,
Carney, Hennessey,

and even Sergeant Toomey.

I didn't really like
most of those guys then,

but today,
I love every damn one of them.

Life is weird, you know?

♪ Goodbye, dear,
I'll be back in a year ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm
in the Army now ♪

♪ They took my number
out of a hat ♪

♪ And there's nothing a guy
can do about that ♪

♪ But when I get back,
I'll be all tanned and brown ♪

♪ And we'll buy that cottage
just outside of town ♪

♪ So, goodbye, dear,
I'll be back in a year ♪

♪ Don't forget that
I love you ♪

( instrumental break )

♪ Goodbye, dear,
I'll be back in a year ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm
in the Army now ♪

♪ Don't I look handsome
dressed up like this? ♪

♪ Stop your cryin' and give
your soldier a kiss ♪

♪ They may send me out
to the old Philippines ♪

♪ But, sweetheart,
you'll still be the
girl of my dreams ♪

♪ So, goodbye, dear,
I'll be back in a year ♪

♪ Don't forget that
I love you. ♪