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1
00:00:04,251 --> 00:00:06,552
Fast will be ready in a minute. Hi.
2
00:00:07,370 --> 00:00:09,005
Aaaaaaaaah!
3
00:00:09,006 --> 00:00:11,224
My ha-a-a-nd!
4
00:00:11,225 --> 00:00:13,759
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
5
00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:15,111
Very funny, mom.
6
00:00:15,112 --> 00:00:16,646
I know it's Halloween.
7
00:00:16,647 --> 00:00:18,064
Nice fake hand.
8
00:00:18,065 --> 00:00:19,232
Phil: Aaaah! Aaaah!
9
00:00:19,233 --> 00:00:21,150
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah!
10
00:00:21,151 --> 00:00:22,852
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha!
11
00:00:22,853 --> 00:00:25,321
We love Halloween.
12
00:00:25,322 --> 00:00:26,589
Especially claire.
13
00:00:26,590 --> 00:00:28,691
It's my favorite holiday.
14
00:00:28,692 --> 00:00:31,027
Ever since I was a kid,
I loved scary things.
15
00:00:31,028 --> 00:00:33,162
If there was a new
horror movie in town,
16
00:00:33,163 --> 00:00:35,164
I was the first in line.
17
00:00:35,165 --> 00:00:36,899
"one, please."
[ chuckles ]
18
00:00:36,900 --> 00:00:38,467
Then I met phil.
19
00:00:38,468 --> 00:00:40,036
"two, please."
20
00:00:48,845 --> 00:00:51,747
- Captions by vitac -
21
00:00:53,300 --> 00:00:54,267
Mitchell: Okay.
22
00:00:54,268 --> 00:00:56,435
All right. Do me.
23
00:00:56,436 --> 00:00:57,920
♪ do me, do me, do me ♪
24
00:00:57,921 --> 00:01:00,389
Cam, I have to say, I feel kind
of sexy. [ rubber squeaking ]
25
00:01:00,390 --> 00:01:02,225
Well, squeaky sexy, but...
26
00:01:02,226 --> 00:01:03,776
You know
I'd be enjoying this more
27
00:01:03,777 --> 00:01:05,695
If Halloween wasn't
such a tough day for me.
28
00:01:05,696 --> 00:01:08,998
T I want you
to go to work...
29
00:01:08,999 --> 00:01:10,800
And knock
their socks off.
30
00:01:10,801 --> 00:01:13,619
Well, my last job was at a
pretty conservative law firm.
31
00:01:13,620 --> 00:01:15,371
No one there would
ever dress up for Halloween.
32
00:01:15,372 --> 00:01:17,740
But apparently
at this new company...
33
00:01:17,741 --> 00:01:21,277
Um, right now I'm thinking
either vampire or werewolf.
34
00:01:21,278 --> 00:01:22,979
Every year
it's harder to decide.
35
00:01:22,980 --> 00:01:24,547
Wait, wait, wait.
I-I'm sorry.
36
00:01:24,548 --> 00:01:27,049
Wait. So people really come
to work in costumes here?
37
00:01:27,050 --> 00:01:28,784
Are you kidding?
It's epic, bro!
38
00:01:28,785 --> 00:01:30,086
Epic.
39
00:01:30,087 --> 00:01:31,287
Ohh.
40
00:01:31,288 --> 00:01:32,888
Mitchell:
I'm already the new guy.
41
00:01:32,889 --> 00:01:35,258
I don't want to be the
nonpartipation guy, too.
42
00:01:35,259 --> 00:01:36,826
Not on my watch.
43
00:01:36,827 --> 00:01:39,462
Unfortunately, Halloween
was marred for me personally
44
00:01:39,463 --> 00:01:41,163
By an incident long ago.
45
00:01:41,164 --> 00:01:43,432
Now it's just a day
I have to get through.
46
00:01:43,433 --> 00:01:44,734
So you've said.
47
00:01:44,735 --> 00:01:46,635
All right, so, everybody
has to be here at 5:30
48
00:01:46,636 --> 00:01:48,070
To rehearse
our house of horrors.
49
00:01:48,071 --> 00:01:49,522
You guys have
your costumes ready?
50
00:01:49,523 --> 00:01:51,107
Yeah, but it's a secret.
51
00:01:51,108 --> 00:01:52,975
Me and manny came up
with something together.
52
00:01:52,976 --> 00:01:54,610
I love that!
53
00:01:54,611 --> 00:01:55,978
Can I have some candy?
No.
54
00:01:55,979 --> 00:01:57,280
How 'bout you, alex?
55
00:01:57,281 --> 00:01:59,015
Well, I haven't
really thought about it.
56
00:01:59,016 --> 00:02:00,700
I've got, like, three
huge exams tomorrow.
57
00:02:00,701 --> 00:02:03,085
Honey, you can't just slap something
together at the last minute.
58
00:02:03,086 --> 00:02:04,754
You know, if you gave this
costume half as much time
59
00:02:04,755 --> 00:02:06,455
And attention
as you give your homework,
60
00:02:06,456 --> 00:02:07,957
You wouldn't be
in this situation.
61
00:02:07,958 --> 00:02:10,293
Can I remind you, you have
one child who's not mediocre?
62
00:02:10,294 --> 00:02:13,212
Check it.
I'm a scary black cat.
63
00:02:13,213 --> 00:02:14,930
The only person
that costume scares is me.
64
00:02:14,931 --> 00:02:16,766
Go change it.
To what?
65
00:02:16,767 --> 00:02:19,101
I don't know.
One of your old costumes.
66
00:02:19,102 --> 00:02:20,720
Honey, trust me.
67
00:02:20,721 --> 00:02:22,305
I am sparing youan entire day
68
00:02:22,306 --> 00:02:24,540
Of guys asking you
if you have a rough tongue.
69
00:02:24,541 --> 00:02:25,608
Ew.
70
00:02:25,609 --> 00:02:26,726
Jay: Hello.
71
00:02:26,727 --> 00:02:28,510
Hi. Dad. It's me.
72
00:02:28,511 --> 00:02:30,746
I wanted to ma sure you and
gloria were ready for tonight.
73
00:02:30,747 --> 00:02:32,565
What's tonight? What do
you mean, what is tonight?
74
00:02:32,566 --> 00:02:34,333
Dad, it's Halloween.
You know this.
75
00:02:34,334 --> 00:02:36,652
Calm down, morticia,
I'm just teasing you.
76
00:02:36,653 --> 00:02:37,737
We'll be there.
77
00:02:37,738 --> 00:02:39,155
Yeah, but in costume
this time.
78
00:02:39,156 --> 00:02:41,357
You can't just show up
with a backwards baseball cap
79
00:02:41,358 --> 00:02:43,492
And call yourself snoop dogg
like you did last year.
80
00:02:43,493 --> 00:02:44,810
I didn't even know
who that guy was.
81
00:02:44,811 --> 00:02:46,712
Haley turned my hat around
and told me to say it.
82
00:02:46,713 --> 00:02:48,764
I thought he was
a dog detective.
83
00:02:48,765 --> 00:02:52,168
Listen, don't worry. We got
the whole thing worked out.
84
00:02:52,169 --> 00:02:53,386
Bye-bye.
85
00:02:53,387 --> 00:02:54,754
[ beep ]
86
00:02:54,755 --> 00:02:56,305
[ cellphone rings ]
[ beep ]
87
00:02:56,306 --> 00:02:57,973
Hola, jay!
Where are you?
88
00:02:57,974 --> 00:02:59,208
I have manny
in the carpool,
89
00:02:59,209 --> 00:03:00,559
And we're going
to the dropout.
90
00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,895
Dropout? You mean that eddie
kid? Yeah, he's a moron.
91
00:03:02,896 --> 00:03:06,182
No, the dropout, where you drop
the kids in the school.
92
00:03:06,183 --> 00:03:08,150
She means "drop-off."
93
00:03:08,151 --> 00:03:09,652
That's what I said.
94
00:03:09,653 --> 00:03:11,187
Listen,
did you ever do anything
95
00:03:11,188 --> 00:03:13,122
About costumes
for claire's thing tonight?
96
00:03:13,123 --> 00:03:15,057
I'm going to pick them up
this afternoon.
97
00:03:15,058 --> 00:03:16,609
You're going
to be a "gargle,"
98
00:03:16,610 --> 00:03:18,594
And I'm gonna be
an evil village bruja.
99
00:03:18,595 --> 00:03:20,296
I know less now
than I did before I asked.
100
00:03:20,297 --> 00:03:23,632
Hmm. A bruja is a witch,
and a gargle is a gargle.
101
00:03:23,633 --> 00:03:24,850
She means "gargoyle."
102
00:03:24,851 --> 00:03:26,268
That's what I said.
103
00:03:26,269 --> 00:03:27,903
Jay: As long as
you got it covered.
104
00:03:27,904 --> 00:03:29,472
Because if claire
doesn't get her Halloween,
105
00:03:29,473 --> 00:03:32,391
She turns into a real
"rhymes with 'bruja.'"
106
00:03:32,392 --> 00:03:35,027
Oh, no. No, no, no.
I'm the only one.
107
00:03:35,028 --> 00:03:36,829
Ohh.
108
00:03:36,830 --> 00:03:39,281
Dale: At lunch,
I'll let you wear my fangs.
109
00:03:39,282 --> 00:03:40,449
Lance: Yeah?
110
00:03:40,450 --> 00:03:42,585
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Whoo!
111
00:03:42,586 --> 00:03:44,003
Look at those tools.
112
00:03:44,004 --> 00:03:46,689
Every year.
What a couple of douches.
113
00:03:46,690 --> 00:03:48,425
Ohh. Oh, no.
114
00:03:49,375 --> 00:03:50,676
Hello?
115
00:03:50,677 --> 00:03:52,828
There are exactly three people
in costume here -
116
00:03:52,829 --> 00:03:54,563
A tool, a douche, and me.
117
00:03:54,564 --> 00:03:56,865
And I don't have time
to go home and change and -
118
00:03:56,866 --> 00:03:58,300
Calm down.
119
00:03:58,301 --> 00:04:00,018
Did you bring in the
dry-cleaning from last night?
120
00:04:00,019 --> 00:04:02,037
Are you really getting on me
about the dry-cleaning wh-
121
00:04:02,038 --> 00:04:03,738
Oh.
I have suits in the trunk.
122
00:04:03,739 --> 00:04:06,608
Look at that. Yesterday's lazy
cures today'crazy.
123
00:04:06,609 --> 00:04:09,478
Yes. Thank you!
Thank you.
124
00:04:09,479 --> 00:04:10,629
Okay.
125
00:04:12,448 --> 00:04:14,216
Charlie: Oh, there
you are. Hey, charlie.
126
00:04:14,217 --> 00:04:16,451
Hey, I need you in the lampkin
meeting. If I could just maybe have -
127
00:04:16,452 --> 00:04:17,719
Five minutes.
O-kay.
128
00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:19,855
Okay, hey. First legal question. Yeah?
129
00:04:19,856 --> 00:04:21,406
Can I fire those idiots
for no reason?
130
00:04:21,407 --> 00:04:23,842
[ chuckles ]
oh, my gosh.
131
00:04:23,843 --> 00:04:25,677
Those are some major guns
you got there.
132
00:04:25,678 --> 00:04:26,929
Eh, yeah.
133
00:04:26,930 --> 00:04:28,964
[ rubber squeaking ]
134
00:04:32,952 --> 00:04:35,504
Why won't this...
135
00:04:36,372 --> 00:04:38,056
[ footsteps ]
hey, jerry.
136
00:04:38,057 --> 00:04:40,608
Hey, phil.
Looking good.
137
00:04:40,609 --> 00:04:43,611
Thanks. Wait till you see what
we got planned for tonight.
138
00:04:43,612 --> 00:04:46,131
Claire and I are going
as corpse bride and groom.
139
00:04:46,132 --> 00:04:48,916
As if there's any other kind,
am I right? [ chuckles ]
140
00:04:48,917 --> 00:04:51,019
I'm saying marriage
kills you. Judy left me.
141
00:04:51,020 --> 00:04:52,787
Oh, my god.
142
00:04:52,788 --> 00:04:54,522
I am so sorry.
143
00:04:54,523 --> 00:04:55,657
When someone your age dies,
144
00:04:55,658 --> 00:04:57,325
What's the first thing
you want to know?
145
00:04:57,326 --> 00:04:58,760
"died of what?" right?
146
00:04:58,761 --> 00:05:00,228
You want to hear
it was something
147
00:05:00,229 --> 00:05:01,429
That could never happen to you.
148
00:05:01,430 --> 00:05:02,864
Well, it's the same
with divorce.
149
00:05:02,865 --> 00:05:06,334
Tell me it was booze,
cheating, physical abuse.
150
00:05:06,335 --> 00:05:08,870
No problem.
I'm a monogamous social drinker,
151
00:05:08,871 --> 00:05:10,738
And claire
only sleep-hits me.
152
00:05:10,739 --> 00:05:13,708
Just don't tell me
it came from out of the blue.
153
00:05:13,709 --> 00:05:15,510
I was totally blindsided.
154
00:05:15,511 --> 00:05:17,812
I guess somewhere
along the way
155
00:05:17,813 --> 00:05:19,647
She stopped finding me
delightful.
156
00:05:19,648 --> 00:05:21,516
Well, that's -
that's coconuts.
157
00:05:21,517 --> 00:05:22,884
You're super delightful.
158
00:05:22,885 --> 00:05:24,352
Not to judy.
159
00:05:24,353 --> 00:05:26,721
She used to laugh
at everything I had to say,
160
00:05:26,722 --> 00:05:29,657
But now I can't even remember
what her laugh sounds like.
161
00:05:29,658 --> 00:05:31,259
Claire can do it.
It's uncan-
162
00:05:31,260 --> 00:05:32,427
[ sighs ]
163
00:05:32,428 --> 00:05:34,696
I should go back inside.
164
00:05:34,697 --> 00:05:36,564
I have a dish to wash.
165
00:05:36,565 --> 00:05:38,032
Okay, but, hey...
166
00:05:38,033 --> 00:05:41,019
Jerry, if you need
anything, all right?
167
00:05:41,020 --> 00:05:43,688
I'm your rock.
[ maniacal scream ]
168
00:05:47,158 --> 00:05:49,827
You are not gonna
believe this.
169
00:05:49,828 --> 00:05:51,011
Judy just left jerry.
170
00:05:51,012 --> 00:05:53,547
Oh, yeah.
She was so unhappy.
171
00:05:53,548 --> 00:05:54,765
How's he doing?
172
00:05:54,766 --> 00:05:57,034
He's not taking it
as well as you are.
173
00:05:57,035 --> 00:05:59,453
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
I don't mean to be insensitive.
174
00:05:59,454 --> 00:06:01,055
I've just got
a lot to get done.
175
00:06:01,056 --> 00:06:04,157
I don't find you insensitive.
I find you delightful.
176
00:06:04,158 --> 00:06:05,509
Do you find me delightful?
177
00:06:05,510 --> 00:06:07,011
Oh, god,
I just remembered!
178
00:06:07,012 --> 00:06:09,096
Jerry's supposed to be
our porch scarecrow.
179
00:06:09,097 --> 00:06:10,898
Can you ask him
if he'll still do it?
180
00:06:10,899 --> 00:06:12,816
He's kind of a mess
right now.
181
00:06:12,817 --> 00:06:15,953
Yeah, but it might make him
feel better be around people.
182
00:06:15,954 --> 00:06:17,454
I'll try...
183
00:06:17,455 --> 00:06:20,157
But his whole world
just turned upside down.
184
00:06:20,158 --> 00:06:21,575
Can you imagine?
185
00:06:21,576 --> 00:06:23,377
One minute,
you're happily married,
186
00:06:23,378 --> 00:06:26,380
The next minute,
you're completely by yourself.
187
00:06:33,350 --> 00:06:35,568
I don't need excuses.
I need this lawsuit to go away.
188
00:06:35,569 --> 00:06:37,587
Now, who's responsible
for the keith deposition?
189
00:06:37,588 --> 00:06:39,505
Dale: [ mushy voice ]
uh, well, I was, "shir."
190
00:06:39,506 --> 00:06:41,173
But, uh, in my defense,
I "wash" told -
191
00:06:41,174 --> 00:06:44,644
Take those stupid fangs out,
dale.
192
00:06:44,645 --> 00:06:46,812
For starters,
it's daytime.
193
00:06:46,813 --> 00:06:48,281
Vampires sleep
during the day...
194
00:06:48,282 --> 00:06:50,099
Which you may soon
have plenty of time for.
195
00:06:50,100 --> 00:06:52,652
[ normal voice ] I'm sorry, but I
was told that we didn't need keith.
196
00:06:52,653 --> 00:06:54,003
Who told you that?
197
00:06:54,004 --> 00:06:55,288
[ rubber squeaking ]
198
00:06:55,289 --> 00:06:58,107
I-I-I may have.
I may have done that, sir.
199
00:06:58,108 --> 00:06:59,692
Well,
that's disappointing.
200
00:06:59,693 --> 00:07:01,494
But at least
mitchell's new here.
201
00:07:01,495 --> 00:07:02,728
Twilight, you're not.
202
00:07:02,729 --> 00:07:05,181
So get it done.
Meeting adjourned.
203
00:07:05,182 --> 00:07:07,350
Cl's waiting for us in my
office. We're already late.
204
00:07:07,351 --> 00:07:09,035
Ohh.
Let's roll.
205
00:07:09,036 --> 00:07:11,103
Ah, you've really been
hitting the gym. Yeah.
206
00:07:11,104 --> 00:07:12,371
[ rubber squeaking ]
207
00:07:12,372 --> 00:07:13,823
What the hell
is that noise?
208
00:07:13,824 --> 00:07:15,841
Every time I tried
to get out of that costume,
209
00:07:15,842 --> 00:07:17,510
I got dragged
into another meeting.
210
00:07:17,511 --> 00:07:20,780
It was the worst
Halloween ever.
211
00:07:20,781 --> 00:07:23,683
Really, mitchell?
The worst Halloween ever?
212
00:07:23,684 --> 00:07:25,151
You had squeaky thighs.
213
00:07:25,152 --> 00:07:27,119
[ voice breaking ]
I lost a childhood.
214
00:07:27,953 --> 00:07:30,305
[ door closes ]
jay! This came for you.
215
00:07:30,306 --> 00:07:32,524
Oh. Hi, y. What is it?
216
00:07:32,525 --> 00:07:34,309
I called your secretary
and told her
217
00:07:34,310 --> 00:07:35,560
To order you some crackers
218
00:07:35,561 --> 00:07:37,195
And those cheeses
that you like -
219
00:07:37,196 --> 00:07:38,714
The tiny, little ones.
220
00:07:38,715 --> 00:07:41,566
Thanks. Did you pick up
my "gargle" costume, too?
221
00:07:41,567 --> 00:07:43,668
Are you making fun of me?
No.
222
00:07:43,669 --> 00:07:46,037
First, manny correcting me.
And now you?
223
00:07:46,038 --> 00:07:48,006
If I have a problem,
I want to know, jay.
224
00:07:48,007 --> 00:07:50,292
Honey, look, english
is your secondanguage.
225
00:07:50,293 --> 00:07:51,493
You're doing great.
226
00:07:51,494 --> 00:07:54,846
Yeah, you're not helping
by protecting my feelings.
227
00:07:54,847 --> 00:07:57,215
I want you
to be honest with me.
228
00:07:57,216 --> 00:07:59,885
Okay, well, I may have noticed
some tiny, little mistakes
229
00:07:59,886 --> 00:08:01,586
You might want
to te a look at.
230
00:08:01,587 --> 00:08:04,172
Like what? Just little
mispronunciations. Like, for example -
231
00:08:04,173 --> 00:08:06,625
Last night, you said,
"we live in a doggy-dog world."
232
00:08:06,626 --> 00:08:09,411
So? Well, it's
"dog-eat-dog world."
233
00:08:09,412 --> 00:08:11,246
Yeah, but...
[chuckles]
234
00:08:11,247 --> 00:08:12,714
That doesn't make
any sense.
235
00:08:12,715 --> 00:08:16,017
Who wants to live in a world
where dogs eat each other?
236
00:08:16,018 --> 00:08:18,153
A doggy-dog world
is a beautiful world
237
00:08:18,154 --> 00:08:20,271
Full of little puppies!
238
00:08:20,272 --> 00:08:22,207
[ sighs ]
what else do I say wrong?
239
00:08:23,309 --> 00:08:25,277
Well, it's not
"blessings in the skies."
240
00:08:25,278 --> 00:08:27,579
It's "blessings
in disguise."
241
00:08:27,580 --> 00:08:29,214
What else?
242
00:08:29,215 --> 00:08:31,049
"carpal tunnel syndrome"
243
00:08:31,050 --> 00:08:32,851
Is not
"carpool tunnel syndrome."
244
00:08:32,852 --> 00:08:34,386
And what else?
245
00:08:35,655 --> 00:08:37,022
It's not "volumptuous."
246
00:08:37,023 --> 00:08:40,192
Okay, enough.
I know that I have an accent.
247
00:08:40,193 --> 00:08:41,910
But people understand me
just fine!
248
00:08:41,911 --> 00:08:43,795
What the hell is this?
249
00:08:43,796 --> 00:08:45,847
I told you, jay -
I called your secretary
250
00:08:57,776 --> 00:08:59,360
Oh, yeah,
can you tell claire
251
00:08:59,361 --> 00:09:01,745
That I'm not really up
for being the scarecrow?
252
00:09:01,746 --> 00:09:03,614
Judy and I used to
love Halloween.
253
00:09:03,615 --> 00:09:05,166
It's her favorite holiday.
254
00:09:05,167 --> 00:09:06,517
Huh.
You know?
255
00:09:06,518 --> 00:09:08,302
Gosh, I hate to think of you
sitting in there alone,
256
00:09:08,303 --> 00:09:09,653
Running through all this
in your head.
257
00:09:09,654 --> 00:09:11,188
What could you have done
differently?
258
00:09:11,189 --> 00:09:13,624
What could you
have done differently?
259
00:09:13,625 --> 00:09:15,459
It's actually a little hard
for me to talk about.
260
00:09:15,460 --> 00:09:17,361
Don't push me away.
I'm not judy.
261
00:09:17,362 --> 00:09:18,729
[ sighs ]
262
00:09:18,730 --> 00:09:20,664
I could've been more
spontaneous. Uh-huh.
263
00:09:20,665 --> 00:09:23,901
I-I-I could've tried to
have been more fun and sexy
264
00:09:23,902 --> 00:09:25,569
Like I was
in the old days.
265
00:09:25,570 --> 00:09:27,655
Spontaneous and sexy.
I got it. Yep.
266
00:09:27,656 --> 00:09:29,540
And remember,
I'm here for you, okay?
267
00:09:29,541 --> 00:09:31,759
[ maniacal scream ]
ohh! Son of a...
268
00:09:33,261 --> 00:09:34,545
[ footsteps approach ]
269
00:09:35,579 --> 00:09:36,879
What the hell is that?!
270
00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:39,182
What? You told me
to put on an old costume.
271
00:09:39,183 --> 00:09:40,617
Not from when you were 8.
272
00:09:40,618 --> 00:09:42,919
Are you trying to get candy
or japanese businessmen?
273
00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:44,270
Change it. Go.
274
00:09:44,271 --> 00:09:46,306
[ door opens ]
275
00:09:46,307 --> 00:09:49,692
Jerry is a no-go
on the crow.
276
00:09:49,693 --> 00:09:51,427
You've been over there
this whole time?
277
00:09:51,428 --> 00:09:52,896
Yeah, he was venting.
I couldn't break free.
278
00:09:52,897 --> 00:09:53,996
God...
279
00:09:53,997 --> 00:09:55,281
You are sexy.
280
00:09:55,282 --> 00:09:56,533
Honey...
281
00:09:56,534 --> 00:09:58,968
Not so fast. I don't thinkwe're.
282
00:09:58,969 --> 00:10:00,086
It's okay.
I need to get down.
283
00:10:00,087 --> 00:10:02,222
Oh, we can get down.
We can get way down.
284
00:10:02,223 --> 00:10:03,423
Oh, god!
285
00:10:03,424 --> 00:10:04,724
Phil!
286
00:10:04,725 --> 00:10:07,176
[ rubber squeaking ]
287
00:10:11,582 --> 00:10:14,300
[ squeaking continues ]
288
00:10:17,287 --> 00:10:20,322
No! No, no, no, no, no! No!
289
00:10:20,323 --> 00:10:22,124
[ whimpering ]
290
00:10:22,125 --> 00:10:25,044
Okay.
291
00:10:25,045 --> 00:10:27,446
[ air dryer whirring ]
292
00:10:30,434 --> 00:10:33,069
[ lock clicks ]
oh, no.
293
00:10:33,070 --> 00:10:34,369
[ breathing heavily ]
294
00:10:34,370 --> 00:10:36,338
[ whimpering ]
295
00:10:49,519 --> 00:10:53,956
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Okay.
296
00:10:53,957 --> 00:10:57,092
Okay. Focus, mitchell.
Focus. Focus.
297
00:10:57,093 --> 00:10:59,328
[ telephone rings ]
298
00:10:59,329 --> 00:11:00,595
[ beep ]
hello?
299
00:11:00,596 --> 00:11:02,230
I'm trapped
in a men's room,
300
00:11:02,231 --> 00:11:04,132
And all I have on
is the spider-man suit.
301
00:11:04,133 --> 00:11:05,884
Hot. Who is this?
302
00:11:05,885 --> 00:11:07,069
Somebody took my shirt,
and all the st
303
00:11:07,070 --> 00:11:08,403
Of my clothes
are all "toilety."
304
00:11:08,404 --> 00:11:09,571
I'm screwed.
305
00:11:09,572 --> 00:11:11,473
Why don't you just
tell charlie the truth?
306
00:11:11,474 --> 00:11:13,208
I can't.
I already messed up once today.
307
00:11:13,209 --> 00:11:14,509
And I can't risk it.
308
00:11:14,510 --> 00:11:16,061
I-I have another suit
in my trunk,
309
00:11:16,062 --> 00:11:17,212
But I can't get to the car
310
00:11:17,213 --> 00:11:18,780
Without goin
through the office.
311
00:11:18,781 --> 00:11:19,881
You know what's ironic?
312
00:11:19,882 --> 00:11:21,366
Who could really
help you right now
313
00:11:21,367 --> 00:11:23,118
Is spider-man.
314
00:11:23,119 --> 00:11:25,354
[ breathes deeply ]
315
00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:29,624
He's here.
316
00:11:36,482 --> 00:11:37,733
[ thud ]
317
00:11:37,734 --> 00:11:39,117
Ugh!
[ leaves rustle ]
318
00:11:39,118 --> 00:11:41,586
Ooh!
319
00:11:45,675 --> 00:11:48,710
Okay. Okay. Okay.
320
00:11:48,711 --> 00:11:49,928
No.
321
00:11:49,929 --> 00:11:51,146
No, no, no, no, no, no.
322
00:11:51,147 --> 00:11:53,015
[ car alarm beeping ]
no, no, no.
323
00:11:53,016 --> 00:11:56,051
[ car alarbeeping ]
um, o-okay. Okay.
324
00:11:56,052 --> 00:12:01,690
[ beeping continues ]
325
00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:15,467
Monster, do my bidding!
326
00:12:15,468 --> 00:12:18,536
I do as you command,
master.
327
00:12:18,537 --> 00:12:20,005
Claire: So cute.
Okay. Mom.
328
00:12:20,006 --> 00:12:21,940
You cannot have a problem
with this.
329
00:12:21,941 --> 00:12:23,541
I'm mother teresa.
330
00:12:23,542 --> 00:12:24,459
Are you kidding me?
331
00:12:24,460 --> 00:12:27,112
What? I'm her
back when she was hot.
332
00:12:27,113 --> 00:12:30,215
I will pay you $10
to go put on more clothes.
333
00:12:30,216 --> 00:12:30,949
Bet it's the first time
you ever heard that one.
334
00:12:30,950 --> 00:12:33,285
Okay. You know what?
Here. Here we go.
335
00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:35,704
Here you go.
Let's just cover you up.
336
00:12:35,705 --> 00:12:37,505
All right, now, I just
want to run throh this
337
00:12:37,506 --> 00:12:39,541
Really quick with everybody.
[ clears throat ]
338
00:12:39,542 --> 00:12:41,309
Um, first,
it's "trick or treat?"
339
00:12:41,310 --> 00:12:42,494
And then, phil...
340
00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:44,496
"come in if you dare."
right, and then dad does
341
00:12:44,497 --> 00:12:47,299
The thunder and the lightning
and the fog.
342
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:49,417
Usher the children in
past alex her cage.
343
00:12:49,418 --> 00:12:50,568
I'm in a cage?
Yes!
344
00:12:50,569 --> 00:12:52,020
You're in
a house of horrors
345
00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:53,605
Being held
against your will.
346
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:55,740
I know
sohy do we need the cage?
347
00:12:55,741 --> 00:12:57,776
And then gloria pops up
348
00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:00,478
As the evil village bruja,
and she says -
349
00:13:00,479 --> 00:13:02,414
[ imitating gloria ]
"welcome to your nightmare.
350
00:13:02,415 --> 00:13:03,648
Ah ha ha ha ha!"
351
00:13:03,649 --> 00:13:05,834
[ normal voice ] and the
cam and haley do their thing.
352
00:13:05,835 --> 00:13:07,602
Kids get their candy.
They are ushered out.
353
00:13:07,603 --> 00:13:09,587
They think it's all over,
but it's not!
354
00:13:09,588 --> 00:13:12,223
Because out on theorch,
the scarecrow pops to life -
355
00:13:12,224 --> 00:13:14,492
Wow!
- For one final "aah!" [ laughs ]
356
00:13:14,493 --> 00:13:16,077
And that's - mitchell,
you're the srecrow!
357
00:13:16,078 --> 00:13:17,228
Oh, no, no.
358
00:13:17,229 --> 00:13:19,030
I was in a costume all day.
It was awful.
359
00:13:19,031 --> 00:13:20,732
It's nothing compared
to when I was -
360
00:13:20,733 --> 00:13:23,301
You don't own bad halloweens. Don't I?
361
00:13:23,302 --> 00:13:24,602
Okay. We get it, cam.
Hard day.
362
00:13:24,603 --> 00:13:26,354
Mitchell, please.
The costume's in the kitchen.
363
00:13:26,355 --> 00:13:28,073
Come on.
Ohh.
364
00:13:28,074 --> 00:13:29,291
[ giggles ]
uh, claire, claire.
365
00:13:29,292 --> 00:13:30,809
Before you go,
I just want you to know...
366
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:32,093
Okay. The wig.
That - that's -
367
00:13:32,094 --> 00:13:33,728
...I love you more now than I ev
- that's nice.
368
00:13:34,598 --> 00:13:35,747
You're my best friend!
369
00:13:37,489 --> 00:13:38,599
Jay: Hey, guys.
Hey.
370
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:41,018
Wow.
God, you guys look great.
371
00:13:41,019 --> 00:13:43,421
[ over enunciating ]
thank you, phil. I try my best.
372
00:13:43,422 --> 00:13:45,606
You look very dead-like.
373
00:13:45,607 --> 00:13:47,224
Gloria, stop it.
I said I was sorry.
374
00:13:47,225 --> 00:13:48,659
Oh, no, no, jay.
375
00:13:48,660 --> 00:13:52,163
For now on, I only speak
in proper american
376
00:13:52,164 --> 00:13:55,166
So I don't embarrass you.
377
00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:57,134
Did she just get back
from the dentist?
378
00:13:57,135 --> 00:13:58,936
She's mad at me
because I told her
379
00:13:58,937 --> 00:14:00,905
Sometimes people
can't understand her.
380
00:14:00,906 --> 00:14:02,440
Make it right, jay.
381
00:14:02,441 --> 00:14:04,141
We're all just hanging
by a thread.
382
00:14:04,776 --> 00:14:07,444
Hey! Dad!
Oh, you look great!
383
00:14:07,445 --> 00:14:09,046
Oh, good.
Okay, gloria's in position.
384
00:14:09,047 --> 00:14:10,931
Hi, gloria. There you go.
Right back here.
385
00:14:10,932 --> 00:14:13,350
Claire, I don't know that I'm -
I'm feeling up to this.
386
00:14:13,351 --> 00:14:14,684
Why, cam? Why?
387
00:14:14,685 --> 00:14:16,420
What happened
that is so awful
388
00:14:16,421 --> 00:14:18,422
You simultaneously
can't speak of it
389
00:14:18,423 --> 00:14:20,424
And yet can't stop
talking about it?
390
00:14:20,425 --> 00:14:21,792
I can't.
It's too emotional.
391
00:14:21,793 --> 00:14:22,826
Okay. Some other time.
392
00:14:22,827 --> 00:14:24,060
I was 10.
Oh, god.
393
00:14:24,061 --> 00:14:25,412
Dressed as quasimodo
on a front porch
394
00:14:25,413 --> 00:14:28,265
With my best friend,
timmy reglar, a ghostbuster.
395
00:14:28,266 --> 00:14:30,617
There was a bucket of candy
with a sign.
396
00:14:30,618 --> 00:14:32,135
It said "take one."
one.
397
00:14:32,136 --> 00:14:34,037
Timmy took the entire bucket
and put it in his bag.
398
00:14:34,038 --> 00:14:36,139
Mm. Timmy didn't play by the rules.
399
00:14:36,140 --> 00:14:38,325
It's what I liked and
feared about him. Oh.
400
00:14:38,976 --> 00:14:41,194
Then the bag broke
as a crowd of kids
401
00:14:41,195 --> 00:14:43,513
Rounded the corner,
saw the pile of cand
402
00:14:43,514 --> 00:14:45,248
Timmy said, "cam d it!"
403
00:14:45,249 --> 00:14:47,934
Children: Trick or treat?
Oh, good.
404
00:14:47,935 --> 00:14:49,052
Aren't you glad
yogot that out?
405
00:14:49,053 --> 00:14:50,687
Okay, everybody,
our first victims!
406
00:14:50,688 --> 00:14:53,055
This is not a rehearsal.
You ready? You ready?
407
00:14:53,056 --> 00:14:54,824
Yes. Yes.
Okay.
408
00:14:54,825 --> 00:14:58,461
[ distorted voice ]
come in...If you dare.
409
00:14:59,563 --> 00:15:00,914
Dad.
410
00:15:00,915 --> 00:15:03,183
Huh? Oh.
L-let me see.
411
00:15:03,184 --> 00:15:06,135
Thank you for joining us
on our sp-
412
00:15:06,136 --> 00:15:08,037
No, no, no. First the thunder
and the lightning!
413
00:15:08,038 --> 00:15:09,172
Yeah, right.
I got it.
414
00:15:09,173 --> 00:15:10,640
[ hissing ]
perfect.
415
00:15:10,641 --> 00:15:13,109
Thank you
for joining us...
416
00:15:13,110 --> 00:15:15,511
On our special night.
417
00:15:16,146 --> 00:15:19,565
Other children
haven't fared so well.
418
00:15:19,566 --> 00:15:23,118
Welcome to your nightmare.
Ha ha ha ha!
419
00:15:23,119 --> 00:15:25,741
What the hell is that?
420
00:15:25,742 --> 00:15:27,616
Can, uh -
can we just get our candy?
421
00:16:46,867 --> 00:16:50,903
But with all the fog,
you may not be able to see...
422
00:16:50,904 --> 00:16:52,155
"ahead."
423
00:16:52,156 --> 00:16:53,723
And everyone
was screaming!
424
00:16:53,724 --> 00:16:55,257
"that's him! Get quasimodo!"
425
00:16:55,258 --> 00:16:57,660
And then the townspeople
started chasing me!
426
00:16:57,661 --> 00:16:59,295
And that's when I wet my pants!
427
00:16:59,296 --> 00:17:01,898
[ crying ] I wet my pants!
I wet my pants.
428
00:17:01,899 --> 00:17:03,383
[ thunder crashes ]
429
00:17:03,384 --> 00:17:06,369
This place is weird.
Let's go.
430
00:17:06,370 --> 00:17:08,471
[ thump ]
mother of god.
431
00:17:08,472 --> 00:17:11,173
Ohh! Son of a...
432
00:17:11,174 --> 00:17:13,142
What is wrong
with everyone?!
433
00:17:13,143 --> 00:17:14,961
Cam, "townspeople"?
Really?
434
00:17:14,962 --> 00:17:16,379
I lived on a farm.
They lived in town.
435
00:17:16,380 --> 00:17:18,064
They were the townspeople.
436
00:17:18,065 --> 00:17:19,232
And, dad! Dad!
437
00:17:19,233 --> 00:17:22,318
It goes - lightning,
thunder, fog cue!
438
00:17:22,319 --> 00:17:24,954
This whole thing
is a colossal fog cue.
439
00:17:24,955 --> 00:17:27,723
Gloria: Claire just
doesn't understand, cam.
440
00:17:27,724 --> 00:17:31,660
Maybe she's never been
picked on for being different.
441
00:17:31,661 --> 00:17:32,845
Claire: When, gloria?
442
00:17:32,846 --> 00:17:34,764
When have you
ever been picked on
443
00:17:34,765 --> 00:17:36,816
For "being different"?
444
00:17:36,817 --> 00:17:39,102
Ask the "gargle."
445
00:17:39,103 --> 00:17:41,788
[ whispering ]
what did she say?
446
00:17:42,439 --> 00:17:43,539
Gloria!
447
00:17:43,540 --> 00:17:45,791
Luke: I think
she went insane.
448
00:17:45,792 --> 00:17:48,594
She's not insane.
She's my mother.
449
00:17:48,595 --> 00:17:50,479
I'm your mother now!
450
00:17:51,313 --> 00:17:53,081
Gloria...
451
00:17:53,082 --> 00:17:55,183
I want to tell you
a story...
452
00:17:55,184 --> 00:17:57,385
About a guy eating
in a diner, alone.
453
00:17:57,386 --> 00:17:59,487
Behind him
he hears a woman talking.
454
00:17:59,488 --> 00:18:02,023
He doesn't turn around -
5 minutes, 10 minutes.
455
00:18:02,024 --> 00:18:05,193
Just listening to the woman,
the life in her voice.
456
00:18:05,194 --> 00:18:06,794
And before
he even sees her
457
00:18:06,795 --> 00:18:09,464
He realizes
he's fallen in love.
458
00:18:09,465 --> 00:18:12,534
Now, I'll give you a guess
who that guy is.
459
00:18:14,770 --> 00:18:16,488
Mitchell:
Aw, my dad was -
460
00:18:16,489 --> 00:18:18,640
Aah!
Ohh! Oh, my god!
461
00:18:18,641 --> 00:18:20,108
You know what?
I'm just gonna go.
462
00:18:20,109 --> 00:18:21,659
No. Come on, cam.
463
00:18:21,660 --> 00:18:23,511
Alex: Uh, if uncle cam
is leaving,
464
00:18:23,512 --> 00:18:24,929
I'm just gonna go upstairs
and study.
465
00:18:24,930 --> 00:18:26,764
Yeah, I have a party
to go to, so...
466
00:18:26,765 --> 00:18:28,967
Mitchell: Ohh!
She punched me in the face!
467
00:18:28,968 --> 00:18:31,069
[ normal voice ] he came
out of nowhere, and he scared
468
00:18:31,070 --> 00:18:32,370
The baby "cheeses"
out of me!
469
00:18:32,371 --> 00:18:34,655
Hey, you're talking
normal again.
470
00:18:34,656 --> 00:18:37,125
Oh, I loved the story
about the old man.
471
00:18:37,126 --> 00:18:38,459
Well, nobody said "old."
472
00:18:38,460 --> 00:18:40,078
Oh, cam, can we please
just go? Cam: Yes.
473
00:18:40,079 --> 00:18:41,562
Yeah, go, please.
I don't care.
474
00:18:41,563 --> 00:18:42,714
Oh. Claire.
475
00:18:42,715 --> 00:18:43,965
No, no.
476
00:18:43,966 --> 00:18:46,768
I'm done. I'm done.
477
00:18:48,270 --> 00:18:51,072
I'm not done. So not done.
Look, here's the thing.
478
00:18:51,073 --> 00:18:53,791
We - we have reworks
at christmas now
479
00:18:53,792 --> 00:18:56,244
Because that's what they do
in colombia, and I don't mind.
480
00:18:56,245 --> 00:18:58,179
Thanksgiving - that used to
be me roasting a turkey,
481
00:18:58,180 --> 00:18:59,547
Until the gays took it over
482
00:18:59,548 --> 00:19:01,332
With whatever
new turkey-cooking craze it is
483
00:19:01,333 --> 00:19:02,750
That you saw
on the food network,
484
00:19:04,586 --> 00:19:07,855
All I ask - all I ask
is that you leave me Halloween.
485
00:19:07,856 --> 00:19:09,023
Yeah, Halloween.
486
00:19:09,024 --> 00:19:11,259
I realize
it is a crazy-ass holiday
487
00:19:11,260 --> 00:19:12,844
For a grown woman
to care about this much,
488
00:19:12,845 --> 00:19:15,597
But it is
my crazy-ass holiday.
489
00:19:15,598 --> 00:19:17,932
Mine.
490
00:19:24,540 --> 00:19:26,174
That's a lot of complaining
from somebody
491
00:19:26,175 --> 00:19:30,144
Who asked for thirds of
our tandoori turkey last year.
492
00:19:30,145 --> 00:19:32,247
Phil: Claire.
493
00:19:32,248 --> 00:19:34,299
No! No!
Not ready to talk!
494
00:19:34,300 --> 00:19:36,484
No.
[ clears throat ]
495
00:19:36,485 --> 00:19:39,037
Listen...
496
00:19:39,038 --> 00:19:40,955
I know I haven't
been much help today.
497
00:19:41,790 --> 00:19:43,723
That - that whole
jerry and judy thing,
498
00:19:43,724 --> 00:19:45,175
It really hit me hard.
499
00:19:45,176 --> 00:19:47,761
Is that why you've been acting
like such a nut all day?
500
00:19:47,762 --> 00:19:50,030
You know, what if
someday that's us? Honey!
501
00:19:50,031 --> 00:19:52,366
Okay, you - you might not want
to hear this right now
502
00:19:52,367 --> 00:19:56,003
After the meltdown
I just had in there, but...
503
00:19:56,637 --> 00:19:58,505
You're kind of stuck
with me.
504
00:19:58,506 --> 00:20:00,440
You promise?
505
00:20:00,441 --> 00:20:03,293
Aw.
506
00:20:03,294 --> 00:20:04,911
I do.
507
00:20:04,912 --> 00:20:06,379
Mm
508
00:20:06,380 --> 00:20:08,882
Oh. That's great.
509
00:20:08,883 --> 00:20:10,917
Children: Trick or treat?
510
00:20:10,918 --> 00:20:13,136
We should just
put out a bowl of candy
511
00:20:13,137 --> 00:20:14,821
And have a cocktail,
right?
512
00:20:14,822 --> 00:20:16,006
Yeah.
Yeah.
513
00:20:16,007 --> 00:20:18,157
Manny: [ deep voice ]
come in if you dare.
514
00:20:18,158 --> 00:20:20,176
Luke: Thank you for joining us
on our special night.
515
00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:21,961
Haley: Other children
haven't fared so well.
516
00:20:21,962 --> 00:20:23,162
[ gasps ]
hey!
517
00:20:23,163 --> 00:20:24,997
Alex: Help me! Help me!
She's doing it.
518
00:20:24,998 --> 00:20:27,801
Gloria: [ eerily ] welcome to
your nightmare, muchachos!
519
00:20:27,802 --> 00:20:28,635
[ laughing ] no! No!
520
00:20:28,636 --> 00:20:31,004
[ children scream ]
521
00:20:31,005 --> 00:20:33,390
Haley: But with all this fog,
it might be hard to see "ahead."
522
00:20:33,391 --> 00:20:34,908
Cam: Aaaaahhh!
523
00:20:34,909 --> 00:20:36,443
[ children scream ]
524
00:20:36,444 --> 00:20:38,028
Yeah! Yeah!
525
00:20:38,029 --> 00:20:40,714
[ both laugh ]
526
00:20:40,715 --> 00:20:41,981
Wha-ha-ha!
527
00:20:41,982 --> 00:20:44,067
[ children scream ]
528
00:20:44,068 --> 00:20:46,119
We're back in the game!
Let's go!
529
00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:47,353
I love it! I love it!
530
00:20:47,354 --> 00:20:48,855
[ maniacal scream ]
whoa! That was for you.
531
00:20:48,856 --> 00:20:51,366
That was for you. I just did
it for you. No, it wasn't.
532
00:20:51,367 --> 00:20:57,438
Or I'll have to give you
the 'hindenburg' maneuver.",
533
00:20:57,439 --> 00:20:59,505
Oh, one time she caught me
staring off.
534
00:20:59,506 --> 00:21:00,900
And she goes,
"cam, what's wrong?
535
00:21:00,901 --> 00:21:02,480
You look like a deer
in 'head lice'!"
536
00:21:03,481 --> 00:21:05,744
In the service,
I had a job, briefly,
537
00:21:05,745 --> 00:21:07,612
Handling explosives.
538
00:21:07,613 --> 00:21:09,681
Which sounds dangerous,
but it's not.
539
00:21:10,315 --> 00:21:12,583
You store them
at the right temperature,
540
00:21:12,584 --> 00:21:14,151
You have no problems...
541
00:21:14,152 --> 00:21:15,820
Phil: If youell her
she doesn't have a choice,
542
00:21:15,821 --> 00:21:18,789
She'll say, "don't you give me
an 'old tomato.'" [ laughter ]
543
00:21:18,790 --> 00:21:20,958
Or when she says -
okay! Enough!
544
00:21:20,959 --> 00:21:22,960
You try speaking
in another language!
545
00:21:22,961 --> 00:21:24,962
Everybody out of my house!
546
00:21:24,963 --> 00:21:27,131
...Until you do.
547
00:21:27,132 --> 00:21:28,132
Sync by @victorcruel
www.addic7ed.com
39502
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