All language subtitles for Modern Family S04E16 Bad Hair Day (1080p x265 10bit Joy)

Okay, here's the number
for poison control. Ask for Carol.

Honey, we're gonna be fine.
Enjoy your reunion.

It would be a lot more fun
if you were there.

I really am sorry about that. I just can't
miss the chance to bowl on Jay's team.

- Mmm.
- That's why I ordered these Glide Rights.

If you break 'em in properly,

they're supposed to give you
a completely frictionless-

[ Groaning ]

If I'm being honest,

the reunion might be
a little more fun if Phil isn't there.

Otherwise, I spend the whole weekend
telling him who's who...

and explaining inside jokes,

and if all that explaining is going out,
the alcohol is not going in.

Hey, Mom, before you go,
you have to sign this for school.

You don't have to read it.
It's all boilerplate.

Honey, I am running really late.
Ask your dad. [ Kisses ]

Right here, buddy.
[ Grunts ]

I have to get a letter signed because I failed
my assignment on the Revolutionary War.

I re-created the Battle of Bunker Hill
using one of my old science projects.

Seemed pretty revolutionary to me.

The brave patriots
made their way up the hillside,

prepared for whatever the devious
redcoats might inflict next.

[ Scoffs ] Now you work?

So, Dad-
One second, buddy.

The salesman said
when you're breaking these shoes in,

it's easier
to move side to side.

Son of a gun. He was right.
What do we got here?

[ Grunts ]

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey♪ ♪

[Jay] I've waited a
year for this day-

the annual trade association
scratch bowling tournament.

Last year we lost to our biggest rival.

Frazier had Ali.

Pritchett's Closets
has Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets.

It's a stupid name,

but those cats can bowl.

Ay, I knew the pancakes
will bring you down.

Just coffee for me today-

black, like I feel on the inside.

Ay, Manny, please.
It was only one bad audition.

No. Three bad auditions:

the fall assembly, Phantom
and now the Spring Sing.

- I'm a disaster.
- You're always so dramatic.

Dramatic, Mother?

I am sure Cam is gonna call you today
and give you the solo.

You're always so hard on yourself.

Remember that you said
that you didn't have a face for hats? And?

- [ Mumbling ] I look great in every hat.
- I can't hear you.

I look great in every hat.

Well, enjoy that while it lasts.

I had a pretty good hat run, but then I saw
a photo of myself from the dude ranch.

I looked like Reba at the Grammys.

- [ Chuckles ] I see that you found the fur.
- Yes.

Uh, you wouldn't happen to have
a feather boa, would you?

Are you wearing that to your Oscar party?
No, Manny.

We're not clichés. Cam's decorating
the party with photos of Lily...

dressed as different starlets from the-

We're clichés.

Hey, Gloria, look what I found
in my bowling bag.

Second place prize
in last year's tournament.

A spa day.
Ohh!

Oh, but it expires today.
Oh, sorry.

I just wish that I could use this,
but today's the nanny's day off...

and I have
a million things to do.

I have to buy diapers.
I have to go pick up the stroller.

I have to go to the doctor.

I hate wasting this,
but I just don't have any time today.

Yes, I would have loved
to go to the spa.

But having a baby
has changed completely...

the way that Jay's family look at me.

I am not anymore
just Gloria that has her hair done,

Gloria that goes to the gym.

Now I am Gloria the new mother,

the "I don't know
how she does it" lady.

If the feather boa is not here,
it's at my cousin's.

I will go get it after the doctor,
after the pharmacy,

before the baby store, okay?

Honestly, Gloria,
I don't know how you do it.

- Ah, I found it.
- Yes!

Help me.
Careful.

[ Groaning ]
Gloria, are you all right?

Ay, I told you to help me.
I am so sorry.

I twisted my ankle.
Sit down right here.

I don't have time for this.

You-You can't walk around
on that all day.

No, I'm good. I'm good.
No.

I will use...

the baby carrier as a-
as a cane.

Okay?
O-Okay.

[ Grunts ]

[ Shutter Clicking ] Hold that.
Hold that. Good. Good.

Now smolder. Smolder.

Perfect. Perfect.

[ Door Opens ] Let me guess.

You couldn't remember if I said "boa"
or "baby," so you brought both.

[ Groans ] Gloria hurt herself,
and it was kind of my fault,

so I offered to watch Joe.

- Oh.
- Can I take a break? I want to be alone.

Okay, where was that attitude
when we were doing Greta Garbo?

Okay, fine. Take five.

[ Singsongy ] Hi, baby Joe.

Why don't you just sit a spell?
We're just makin' pictures.

Why are you being all Missouri?

I don't know. I guess I'm excited
to go back to the farm.

- Is it that obvious?
- You said "dagburn" at breakfast.

- Have you booked our tickets?
- I'm not sure if I can get off work.

Yeah, but you have to get the tickets
before all the good seats are taken.

You mean the ones that aren't
on a plane to Missouri.

- Okay, sweetie, break's over.
- It hasn't been five minutes.

Yes, but it has been
five animal crackers,

which is five too many
to eat on a shoot day, so-

No more! I quit!

Oh, my gosh.
What has gotten into her?

We've been doing this for six hours.
All of a sudden she doesn't love it?

- You know, I have a theory.
- Okay.

We're only halfway through
all the pictures that I wanted to do.

Light bulb. Hello, baby Joe.
[ Joe Fussing ]

Well, you might
as well be a dead hobo...

in the woods of a small town
after a rainstorm,

because you have
just been discovered.

I'm looking less and less forward
to this trip to Missouri.

Hey, handsome.
Can you sign this?

You don't need to read it.
Never do.

Right there.

[ Cell Phone Rings ] Oh, quick.

Nature's surefire sunburn remedy.

[ Beeps ] Aloe?

[ Both Laugh ]

Hey, Jay.
Super excited about our big match.

I dreamt about it last night.
Guess what. We won!

Phil, I like you too much to sugarcoat
what I'm about to say.

You're off the team.

Good one. Loosen me up
with some pre-match humor. I like it.

No, I found somebody better-
Rudy Sorrenson. He's in. You're out.

[ Chuckling ] Hilarious.

Sticking with the bit.
I love that this is our relationship now.

This match is too important,
and you're a wild card. I'm sorry.

Jay, I'm not sure I like
where this is headed.

Phil, this is nothing personal.
It's bowling.

No, no, no. I get it.
[ Object Clatters ]

Listen.
Um, I should get going.

[ Voice Breaking ]
My allergies are starting to cry.

[ Phone Beeps ]

[ Beeps ]

[ Rings ] [ Beeps ]

Hey, Gloria, I was just about to leave.
What's up?

Manny just texted me.
Did he tell you the news?

Yes. Wonderful.
We'll celebrate later.

No. He didn't get the solo.
I think he's very upset.

Aaah! My glove. Where are you?

At the doctor.
He's checking my ankle.

Jay, I think you should
try to cheer him up.

Why don't you
take him shopping?

Gloria, my match is at 5:00.
I have a ritual.

I walk the lanes. I play two
or three warm-up games.

He's fine.
I'll let you talk to him.

Darkness, please.

Oh, shoot.
He's out in the pool.

- What do I have to do to make you go away? Sing?
- I'll have him call you back.

My life is a musicless
gray hellscape.

Wow. Well, this doesn't look like anything
shopping can help you with.

It's worth a shot.

Sorry I was so indecisive back there.
I'm out of it today.

Well, you got what you want,
and that's what today is all about.

Turn that frown upside down. Now, you're
gonna take this 15 local to get home.

Keep both your hands tight on that bag because
it goes through a few sketchy blocks.

You're not driving me? Well, you
kind of used up your drive time...

deciding between
those identical belts.

Okay. It's just hard,
you know, Jay?

I mean, I've never
been a quitter.

Well, new chapter for you.
You got any change?

I mean, I always imagined
I'd be a performer for life.

I guess some dreams
you just have to give up on.

Know when to fold 'em. Here's a 50.
Someone will have change.

I can't sing, period.

What am I thinking?

The 11 goes right by the house,
and there she is.

Now, text your mom
when you get home.

- Good luck with your bowling.
- Thanks, kid.

[ Bus Door Squeaks ]
[ Bus Drives Off ]

Yes. Yes.

You've had my dad's baby for 45 minutes,
and he's already in a dress.

Okay, Lily, I think we're ready for our
most important setup-Miss Shirley Temple.

Here.
Oh, wow.

- You're an even better assistant than you are a model.
- I don't care.

Well, that came through
in her modeling.

[ Lowered Voice ] Our daughter.
I know, but it just hurts, Mitchell.

It's the first one of our things
that she's outgrown.

But isn't it great that we've raised her
to have opinions and interests of her own?

But this early?
She's still so dadgum young.

Is that another Southern thing, or are you
just trying to remember her Vietnamese name?

- Oh, my gosh. This thing is stuck.
- What?

- How-How could it be?
- It is stuck.

- [ Mitchell ] Oh.
- I glued it.

[ Gasps ] Wha-Why-Why
would you do that?

Because the Jane Crawford wig
kept falling off him.

It's Joan Crawford. 'Cause
that's what's important here.

It's glued to his actual hair.

Okay, Lily, this is bad.
This is very, very bad.

Sorry. I was trying to help.

Okay, well,
I should've seen this coming.

I replaced her
with somebody younger,

and she sabotaged Joe's shoot
out of sheer jealousy.

Maybe she does have
what it takes to be a model.

Can you-

[Man On Car Stereo ] ♪ And as funny
as it may seem♪ [ Horn Honks ]

- Sing.
- What?

I've heard you sing in the shower.
You sing in the car with me.

You never miss a note. Your problem
is doing it around people. Sing.

- You want me to sing now?
- Yeah! It's all in your head.

When you get over that little stage fright,
you'll never choke an audition again. Sing!

[ Off-key ] I've been a puppet,
a pauper, a pirate, a poet

That's not singing.
Attack it!

A pawn and a king

I've been up and down
and over and out

And I know one thing

What's that thing?

Each time I found myself
flat on my face

Yeah, now you got it!

I pick myself up and
get back in the race

Get in that bag!
I know you want to!

- That's life
- Sing it to me, baby!

That's what all
the people say

[ Woman Laughing ] [ Gasps ] Oh, my God.
Is that Janie Gibbs?

Yikes. Her skin
looks like crumpled tinfoil...

you try to smooth out
and use again.

Remind me not to get old
in front of you.

[ Chuckles ] I don't even see
the kids' faces anymore.

I know them by the decals
on their laptops.

Professor Cooke.
Mmm.

Still the sexiest man on campus.
Wanna know a little somethin'?

You dated him?
[ Gasps ]

How did you know that?
We were so careful with that secret.

You wore an oversized
tweed jacket to breakfast...

and called my Rabbit convertible
"bourgeois."

Well, it kind of was.
We were so jealous of you.

He was so hot, jogging around
campus in those dolphin shorts.

And that wasn't even why I was with him.
It was his mind.

You know those people who make you
feel smart just by being near them?

[ Sighs ]
I watched you guys once.

Claire? Claire's friend.

He remembers me.

Hello, Professor.

[ Both ] Mwah! Wow.

[ Giggles ]
It's so good to see you.

Clearly, the academic life
agrees with you.

Well, I guess we're all
doing pretty well. Mm-hmm.

Cheers.
Cheers.

Here's looking at you two.
Were you always like this?

Claire? [ Claire ] Oh, my God.
No way.

Tater! Oh, my gosh!

[ Kisses ]
I heard you're hugely successful.

Yeah, well,
when all the hot girls call you "Tater,"

you tend to try a little harder.
Adorable. Adorable!

[ Laughing ] You're adorable!

Claire! Honey! Hey.

Hi. Phil!
What are you doing here?

Uh, your dad dumped me
from his bowling team,

so I thought I'd surprise you.

Um-Okay. Wait.
Come here a second.

I- I thought
you'd be happy to see me.

I am. No, I am. I'm happy.

Is something wrong?

[ Sighs, Groans ] It's just-
It's a little bit embarrassing.

The guy that I dated
right before you is here.

Well, that's nothing to be embarrassed about.
We all have exes.

So the guy you dumped right before
you met me is here. No big deal.

[ High-pitched Voice ]
Well-

[ Normal Voice ]
He might have dumped me.

I thought you said
you'd never been dumped.

Well-Maybe one time.

So he dumped you,

you healed completely,
and then you met me.

Well-

I've regretted throwing away things
way more beaten up than Claire.

So if this campus Casanova had thoughts
of reclaiming her-Guess what, hotshot.

Legally, I still own her.

Man, I always wondered who'd be lucky enough
to marry the beautiful Claire Pritchett.

[ Chuckles ]
No luck involved, hombre.

She saw, she liked,
she got pregnant, she had to.

Hey, stop hogging this guy.
I haven't seen him in 20 years.

My Tater.
Look, I've got to run.

But I'd love to have you guys by my
apartment for a cocktail before dinner.

We are totally doing that.

We might have to go back to the
hotel for a while. No, no, no.

That's what
this weekend's for-

having a laugh,
meeting new people.

I don't wanna miss any of it.

[ Gasps ] Oh, my God.

And I don't miss much.

[ Water Running ] [ Knocking ]

[ Cameron ] Close the door.
You're letting the steam out.

Is the wig coming loose? Oh, yes, Mitchell.
It's completely off his head.

We're just staying in here because there's
nothing babies and big guys love more...

than 100% humidity.

My God, do you realize what Gloria's
gonna do when she sees this?

She punched me when I got
Manny that henna tattoo.

And not the side-of-the-hand way
that I do it.

[ Water Stops ]
This had rings and knuckles.

Don't worry.
I'm working on a plan B.

Or should I say plan Bieber?

No! Huh? No, I just gave him
a little bit of a haircut.

Give me the baby.
I know.

That's the great part
of my schedule.

We make it to Europe almost every summer.
But I'm sure you guys travel.

Well, honestly, I don't think I've been
anywhere without a waterslide in 15 years.

[ Both Laugh ]

That's funny. She's mentioned Esther,
Dougie, Tripp, Afro Judy-

The name "Tater" has literally never
even come up once in the last 20 years.

I don't know why I'm surprised.

I was madly in love with her
for four years,

and I was basically invisible until
the day I choked on that Tater Tot.

Wait. I-I-I thought
you were her ex.

I wish.
[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ] So, Phil, are
you here all weekend?

[ Groans ] No.

That's too bad. I was gonna
suggest some activities.

The Palmer Center's doing a wonderful
retrospective of impressionists.

Oh, that is a shame. That's a
field I know quite a bit about.

Ah.
Phil, no.

You can see the influence,
can't you,

of the, uh,
early impressionists-

the, uh, Rich Littles,
the Frank Gorshins-

on the Jimmy Fallons,
if you will.

He meant the painter kind.
Yes.

- Freshen your drink?
- No. No. Not done.

You'd know if I was finished with
something, and I'm not. Oh. Hmm.

Oh, just the one then.
[ Claire ] Yeah.

What are you doing? I'm sorry. Did I
embarrass you in front of your ex-boyfriend?

Yeah, I know about that. Because I told you.
You can't seriously be jealous.

Well-
Phil, it was 20 years ago.

Rein it in.

Come on.
You're embarrassing me a little.

Fine. But do you deny
that part of the reason...

you wanted to come back here
by yourself is that guy?

I'm not even sure
it's a bad thing, Claire.

We all wonder about the paths we
didn't follow, but you can admit it.

[ Stammers ]

Well, you can't be mad at me
if I do admit it. I won't.

[ Grunts ]
Well, I'm not admitting it-

because I couldn't be happier
than I am in my life with you.

But-

I mean, maybe
a tiny part of me...

just wanted to sort of peek
through the window...

and see the life
that might have been.

[ Door Opens ]

Never get tired
of those three flights.

Maggie!
Say hi to everyone.

[ Clattering ]
In a second, angel.

- Mama's had a day.
- Huh.

Oh, I thought
that was the bedroom.

You're in the bedroom, honey,

and the living room
and the study and the gym.

Hmm. But anyway, listen to me.
I'm being rude.

How is everybody?
How's things?

- Not too bad.
- No, I'm literally asking you how is it to have things.

- [ Clears Throat ]
- ♪♪ [ Techno, Muffled]

Oh. Yep. Right on schedule.

Keep it down, you hoodrats!

Maggie, you were once a student.

I remember. That's when I boarded
this little rocket ship to the moon.

[ Clears Throat ]

Ah.
Wow.

Phil, wait. Thank you.

For what?
Everything.

I'm not sure how that guy
got to be a professor.

He'd have to be pretty stupid
to dump you.

Aw! Hey, the party's starting,

and there's a really good-looking guy
I was hoping to do a little dancing with.

Do you mean me?
Yes.

Wait. Before we go, are there any
more exes I should know about?

Honey, what do you think
I was like?

Hey, Claire Pritchett.

Hey, Dean Stoller.

Super quick story.

All right, it's not
too late for plan C.

We drop the baby and run.
What? No.

You have to tell her what you did.
You scalped her baby.

I had to cut that wig off.

What did you expect me to do?
He keeps pulling his hat off.

Okay, well, you could've let me do it.
I have 32 hours of Vidal Sassoon training.

What? I left the program
over creative differences. Shut up.

[ Door Opens ] Hola.

Hola.
Hola.

Oh, there's my little angel.

How was he?

Uh, th-there's
a funny story here.

Gloria, forget about that baby...

and check out this one!

[ Laughing ] You beat Closets,
Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets?

We destroyed them!

And it's Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets.
What did I say?

We went through this for a half hour yesterday.
I can't do it again.

Nope. You're gonna
have to tell her.

What? Why? Because she
has two new rings.

That's gonna take
the meat right off the bone.

Okay, Cam. You take the fall for me,
and I will go with you to Missouri.

- I'll even go for a whole week.
- Make it 10 days.

Okay, fine. But I don't wanna meet anything
on Monday that I'm gonna eat on Friday.

Oh, well, that's gonna happen.

Oh, my perfect angel.

You got this. You're good.
Ay. [ Kisses ]

Gloria, do you remember that chafing
dish I lent you a couple months back...

that you returned with a chip in it?

Every time that Luke comes over,

he takes things out of the attic
and leaves them just ever here!

Oh. Yeah.

Well, you know, funny thing about that
chafing dish is it was my grandmother's-

[ Growls ]
and it was given to her-

Luke!

[ Exhales ]

Oh, hey, Manny. Glad I ran into you. Listen.
I'm gonna give you the solo.

Really? You must have heard
what happened to me today.

I feel confident now, and I know I
could-I don't care about any of that.

I just need you to tell your mom that you
gave your brother Joe a haircut, okay?

No problem.
How bad could it be?

Aaah!

Anyway, I heard you need
a letter from school signed.

I kind of nailed
my Declaration of Independence replica.

Forged every signature
with this pen.

So-
Stop. We have a deal.

I'll say I cut the baby's hair,
and you give me that cool pen.

- What? No, no. That's not what I was gonna-
- Deal's a deal.

A thief, Lily.

That's who ate
my last piece of cake...

that my mother send me
specially from Colombia.

It helps you make the milk.

Such a cool trophy.
[ Chuckles ]

- Say, how did that new guy, Rudy Sorrenson, do?
- He was great.

It's funny
how he has the same name...

as one-time pro bowler
Rudolph Sorrenson,

which would be
against league rules.

Well, I'd find it funny.

Jay, hurry up. You have to
take the kids to the movie.

And why does the baby still have that hat on?
He's going to burn up.

Gloria, I have
a confession to make.

I gave Joe a haircut.
It's bad.

Why would you do that? My dad used
to cut my hair when I was a kid,

and I thought it'd be a nice way
for the baby and me to bond,

but I just made
a mess of things-

like I make
a mess of everything.

[ Sighs ]
Let me take a look at this.

¡Ay, dios mio!
[ All Yelp ]

Dad, why would you do that
to your own son?

- He's just a baby.
- Plus you ate that cake.

Okay, enough.
Leave him alone.

He could have invented
some crazy story,

but instead he decided
to tell the truth.

That's what families do.
[ Cameron ] Yes, it is.

[ Gloria ] Okay, go. Go, go, go.

Uh, Lily, sweetie,
we're leaving. Come on!

[ Gloria ] I know that they expected
me to go all Colombian crazy,

but this was just
another opportunity for me...

to show them that I was not the
superficial Gloria that I used to be.

Plus, I was very relaxed
after the day I had.

Aaah! [Jay] Where are you?

At the doctor.
He's checking my ankle.

What? Did you think I was gonna
throw away a whole spa day?

[ Sighs ]

I'm coming, Fulgencio!

[ Grunts ]
Why am I doing this again?

Dad'll get a kick out of it. Like when
we were young and used to wear his shoes.

Now get up
and take a few steps.

[ Sighs ]

Did Dad ask for this? [ Luke
] No, but he'll love it.

Maybe dance around.

Okay, now jump.

What kind of video is this?

I've got to go to work. I'm sorry.

[ Shoes Hit Floor ]
Okay, thanks.

What the hell?

[ Thuds ]

Finally!