Original subtitles

A marriage of convenience is definitely one way to try and bury the crushing

loneliness and relentless anxieties of modern life. This is going to bring us

such good luck.

Are you sure about that? Yeah, I heard Jay Shetty talk about it. Jay Shetty's a

wellness guy. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go,

go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go,

go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go,

go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go,

go, go, go, go, go, go, go,

I want to settle down.

I want to settle down.

Won't you settle down with me? Is that her kitchen stuff, probably?

I give it a 60% chance of accuracy.

Sal, this place is so great.

Organized a little bit like a serial killer, but I'm kind of into it. I also

keep the dead bodies color-coded.

You? Mm-hmm.

Now, this is a haunted mug. Oh. It makes the coffee taste better. Yum.

Should we talk boundaries?

Uh, yes.

Sock on the door for when we're doing the deed.

Doing the deed means having sex.

I know what the deed means.

That means we can date other people.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Obviously.

Oh, Val.

You'd have to get rid of these.

Let's focus. I have created a breakdown of expenses.

Oh, wow.

Yeah. That's very you. Yeah.

I do power bill, you do groceries?

Deal. It'll be mostly cereal and grapes.

Honestly, that's kind of dope.

We can also start talking about saving, so we can buy a house. Right? I think

with our incomes combined, we can afford one with a pool.

I don't know if that's true.

I'm pretty sure it is.

What is that?

I got it in Thailand.

Or Bali. Or the Avondale market.

But I want a house.

so big that we can have our own wings for when we 69 other people. Cool, cool.

I'm not keen because 69ing is so labour intensive.

I know, right? It's like, how do you even breathe?

When you've been on your own for years, you forget that the most annoying parts

of sharing a space are also what help you chill out a bit.

This is your room. Do you like it?

This?

I can work with.

Okay, I gotta go to work. Fuck!

Loving this roomie!

You also get the benefit of other people's stuff.

Hello, friend.

What do we have here?

The quick trim.

God of nations, at thy feet, in the

fun of learning me.

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

I was just coming in to get my contact and... Was that a snake?

It was meant to be a lightning bolt.

Cool, cool, cool.

I'm just going to go to work with my glasses on.

Yes, copy.

Got it.

And I'll sanitise these. Uh-huh.

Hey. Uh-huh.

Why is there a watering can by your toilet?

It's called a Lota.

A what-a?

It's a bum jug. All brown houses have one. Oh, my God. I just realized I live

in a brown house.

Being married to Sal makes Harry feel kind of like that Jonas brother who

married Priyanka Chopra. Hi, hi, hi, hi.

Bro, why is there an AI photo of you and Harriet Brewer from high school getting

married? What?

Yeah, bro. She posted this fake wedding photo on Instagram.

Just think still for me, Mr. Peterson. It looks pretty cool, bro. Like, I mean,

the lighting almost looks real.

It's not AI.

We actually got married.

You're fucking with me.

I'm not. What?

When? Last week.

I'm sorry. You didn't tell me last week. I was going to. Your best friend for 20

years. Pretty much your soulmate. You don't tell me that you married Harriet

Burr from high school. That is fucking nuts, bro. What? Is she pregnant?

No. Have you been entrapped?

No. You need me to save you? Look at me, Sal. Are you sure? Batty is a human lie

detector. All Sal has to do is avoid eye contact.

Look at me.

Damn it. It's an arrangement we made a pact when we were teenagers.

What?

That's crazy.

We got married so we could afford a house and split bills and not be lonely

and sad. Does she know that you're secretly in love with her?

It's not like that anymore.

No? Nope. No? Because we're adults. Okay. And we've grown.

And we're different.

Okay. Can we talk about it tonight at dinner, please? What?

Tonight. At dinner. Wait, you...

You haven't told your family where you're done, huh? Is this what dinner

is? No.

Don't. Why are you not scared?

I am.

Put the penis in. You're all done.

You're all done.

And what a, yep, your mouth looks good. What a lovely mouth.

I'm just going to pick this out.

And up you go. Up you go. Real slow.

Real slow.

He looks fine. He looks fine. He's fine.

Yeah, just go to the counter. No, no, no. That way. That way.

All right, nothing good is going to come of this. To the right, Mr. Peterson.

Stella and Harry have the friendly dynamic of a hostage situation.

But now, Harry finally has the upper hand in negotiations.

Harry!

I can't believe you didn't tell me. I had to find out on Instagram.

Uh, yeah, um, it just all, you know, happened so fast, and... Um, quip, quip,

around the office, everyone chipped in.

Wedding gift. That is so kind.

This is money, right?

It's like $300 in there, and we wanted to do more, but Dave from IT, he said

his cat needs surgery.

Uh-huh. Stella, this is so kind. My husband and I are going to buy something

really special with it. Thank you. I'm just so happy for you, and you have to

tell me everything.

Mrs. Malik?

Malik, yes.

Malik. Malik. Yeah, Ma-Malik.

Malik. Yeah, Mrs. Malik. It's so crazy. Some people might feel guilty about

exploiting a sham marriage.

Harry considers it reparations for every destination wedding she was ever forced

to go to. Harry, listen.

My office, please.

Bye, Miss Faye. Bye.

Your last piece on sustainable coffee farming, it wasn't shared enough on

LinkedIn, so... Since when do you give a fuck about LinkedIn?

Hey, hey.

I care about all the links and the ands.

Plus your story structure needs work.

There's far too many Oxford comments. Okay, we literally had a meeting last

week where you said grammar is for nerds.

I mean, it is.

I can't believe it.

Harry, are you doing all this just to make me jealous?

Doing what?

Danny, I need to stop. Why?

Why? I meant that.

Because I'm married. I'm married.

I got married.

That's a joke, though, right? That's not real.

No, it's real.

I'm taken.

Officially. Legally. As of, um, last week, so... Married to who?

To someone who's available and honest and didn't waste three years of my life.

You can't be serious.

His name's Sal, and he's smart and kind and other sex is like...

Amazing. And we just love each other the most. The most two people probably ever

loved each other ever. So I'm really happy. Harry, are you doing all of this

just to get back at me because of the baby?

Not everything's about you, Danny. Wow.

That's really hurtful to me.

Sorry, I have to get back to work because I actually have to leave early

because I'm heading home to plan a family dinner with my in-laws.

Oh,

I'll let you get that.

I want a kiss.

the wife waiting, you know? But thanks for the pass.

Appreciate it.

Also, when you shack up with a new spouse, you forget about the fact their

body will also be there, sometimes checking for lumps. Hey, Harry, why did

you put... Oh!

What is going on? Why are you doing this on purpose? Why is your tit out?

I thought I felt a lump, okay?

Well, did you?

No. I had Blu-Tack in my bra.

That's three to zero.

Three to zero, what does that mean?

You've seen snake bush, right boob, and the time I forgot to close the door when

I was on the toilet. Okay, but why are you peeing naked, though? Is this some

kind of weird white person thing I need to know about? I was wearing a jumpsuit.

Okay, look, can we please just talk about Instagram? Is it safe?

Yes, yes, it's safe.

What about it?

Why did you post the wedding photo?

Because we got married.

I wanted people to know so we'd get free shit.

Yeah, but my mum doesn't even know yet.

Oh, yeah.

But that's okay, because you can tell her tonight.

No, it's not okay. My family needs time to process.

What I was going to do was dazzle them with delicious food and then eat them

into it.

Okay, sorry.

But in good news, my co-workers gave us 300 bucks as a wedding gift.

How cool is that?

Now, also, I do feel like you need to show me your penis.

Please. the literal interpretation of tit-for-tat. What? No, I'm not doing

that. It's not a big deal. We're both adults.

That wasn't even my best move to just flash me a dick.

Dad, I'm home.

I'll be right out, Kit Kat.

Keep your clothes on, okay? Oh, yes, because I want to meet your daughter

naked.

Hey, Kit Kat.

I just wanted to introduce you to, um, Harry.

The high school tax lady?

Yeah. Yeah, hey.

This place looks so gaggy, Dad.

It's a good thing. Oh, great.

Thanks.

It's really nice to meet you, Sheena. Your dad's told me heaps about you. You

look prettier in real life than the photos he showed me.

Oh, my God. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Sweetie, I just want you to know that this is not going to change our life in

any crazy way. Dad, it's fine.

You don't have to justify it to me.

I'm happy that you're happy.

She's our roommate, right?

Exactly. Yeah. Can I borrow some of your clothes?

Oh, my gosh. Any of them. Anytime.

Going up.

Oh, Mum's here. I have to go.

I hope dinner goes well.

Bye, Dad. Love you. Bye. Love you too.

Wait.

Renee's here?

Outside?

We have to.

We have to go. Say hi.

Don't. No.

Why? No.

Hey, Salmeister.

Looking good, man.

New haircut?

No. Right on, dude. See? See? That's why I love you, bro. So consistent.

Can you get back in the car, please? Absolutely, my sweet.

Renee?

Oh, my God. It's been forever.

You look amazing. Like, annoyingly amazing.

Like, have you aged at all?

Good for you, girl.

Thank you.

Sorry, do we know each other? Harry. Harriet Brewer. We went to high school

together. I think we were in chemistry class.

Harry. Yeah.

Harry.

Oh, did you set your hair on fire with the Bunsen burn? That was me. Yeah, that

was me. Oh, you've changed a bunch. I know. I know. Puberty was not kind.

Sorry.

You two... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Harry and I are... Married. Married. I'm his

wife. My wife. His new wife, again.

Picking wife.

This is a new feeling for Renee.

Jealousy. Yeah, it happened.

It happened super fast. We reconnected online. At the reunion.

First the reunion, then it was online. Then on an online chat room. It was a

whole thing, wasn't it, baby?

But we just kind of knew, I guess, when you know.

You know.

Reunion. As in our high school reunion?

The very same.

Yeah. The very same. Unbelievable.

It was last week. We got married last week. It was at a registry.

Small registry thing. It was small and intimate. It was romantic.

Romantic.

It was us.

It was us.

Seriously, we should totally hang out. I would love to get to know you better,

because obviously you're such a big part of Sal's life, and Sheena is amazing.

But don't worry, I don't want to take your place or anything.

Sure, well, maybe.

Oh, great, we should totally get brunch.

Both women have a mutual understanding that this will never happen. Well,

congratulations, I guess.

We should probably talk later.

Yep. You guys do that.

Let's talk. Yeah, I love that.

Sal is pretty certain this marriage has created a stomach ulcer.

We're really going to need to get our story straight if we want this to work.

Yeah. Okay, so we reconnected at the school reunion.

And we just clicked.

Yeah, our song should be getting stronger by a day. Oh, yes, that is so

us. Okay, rapid fire. Favorite food?

Two-minute noodles instant variety, yes. Biryani, but specifically my mum's.

Biggest fear?

Dying alone in a rented property.

Wait, that's too dark. That's too dark.

Spiders. Spiders. Spiders is more normal.

Mine's letting Sheena down and those weird tiny horses.

Yeah, cool. Okay. Middle name?

Jane. Very exciting. Michael.

My dad loves MJ.

Oh, pedophile or NBA GOAT? NBA GOAT. Phew.

Okay, when I meet your mum, do we hug?

No, no, no, no, no. Brown families don't hug. Copy. Okay, Gail's going to

definitely hug you, possibly try and kiss you on the lip. Oh, keen.

Are we making a mistake?

Yeah. Wait, no.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Was that a trick question?

I don't know, this whole lying to everyone thing, it feels crazy.

Maybe we should just stop and tell everyone the truth.

No. No, no, no, this is good, okay?

And we're not lying, we're just doing things our way.

No one needs to know the details.

Besides, we should get all the benefits of being newlyweds like everyone else,

right? Right.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry I asked you that in rapid fire.

You set me up to fail, bro.

It was not cool.

Not cool.

Unfair, in fact.

So unfair.

Getting married on a whim

is easy, but meeting the family?

Now that's the hard part.

Hi, hi, hi.

It's a poster.

Oh, thank you. Wow, this place is nice.

Sal is killing it.

Thank you. There he goes.

Oh, I need to talk to you before Mum gets here. Uh-huh.

Your teacher's been found. She assumes Salvatore. She's been telling everyone

that you're dating an Italian.

Oh, but I'm not the family. Oh, God. Oh, God. Yeah. Please don't judge my family.

I'm so sorry. Can you put... I'm going to take it down.

Buongiorno.

Where is the Salvatore?

Hi, I'm Sal.

Really, really nice to meet you, Mrs Roar.

Oh, my.

You don't look very Italian.

Yeah, yeah, that's probably because my family's from Pakistan.

Which is kind of like Italy, I guess, just with less pasta and more government

-level corruption.

Yeah, Mum, this is Sal, short for Salman Malik. Right.

Of course.

pakistani yeah imran khan it's a very handsome oh my god mom i agree he's a

hottie well i have brought my famous ravioli family recipe it's from walworth

shut up cam okay i'll take that come on come on hello salman oh hi dad can you

fix the ipad please the internet's not working come around please dad now not a

great time you must be sal's mother

I'm Gail.

Zakiya. Nice to meet you.

Zakiya.

Isn't this exciting?

I just love international cuisine.

A woke white mother-in-law is terrifying.

And your husband, is he here?

Oh, God, no. He's with some floozy in Sydney.

Absolute prick of a man.

That's lovely.

A petty brown one is...

Congratulations on the big news.

What big news? Oh, they're all married.

To Harriet Brewer from high school.

Yeah, isn't that why we're all here?

Hi. Mum, uh... But a quiet one is the most terrifying of all. This is my wife.

Harriet.

Who wants a drink?

Yeah, I need a drink.

Go on.

Oh,

that looks good.

Well, this all looks delicious.

Oh, my. That's very, very spicy.

I think I just need, I think, liquid.

That's fine.

Do you want a yogurt?

Come on. You went light on the chilies.

Usually I add more.

Cam, how are you eating that?

Heart's burning.

Have some of that. You guys married because you knocked her up?

Oh, God, yeah.

Are you having a baby?

What would a ginger and brown baby even look like? Is it like redhead with the

tan skin?

That's actually a very good question.

Genetics is fascinating.

My cousin married a Scottish woman.

And the children look terrible.

Would the hair be straight or curly?

I reckon red, but straight.

Mm-hmm. Okay, I'm not pregnant.

Not pregnant.

That's enough question time, guys. Question time is over. Okay?

Let's eat.

It would be nice to be invited to the wedding.

I know, Mum. I'm sorry.

So you got married after one week of dating and hid it from your mother?

We got engaged after two meetings.

That's different, Cameron.

It was just like an arranged thing.

I mean... Tim, stop talking.

Have you been kidnapped?

Just blink twice if you need help. Oh, Jesus, Mum.

What about Sheena? Does she know?

Of course she knows.

She just wants me to be happy.

Yeah, well, what else is she going to say?

Well, he's going to have a proper wedding with family.

A registry office is not a wedding unless he's in it for the visa.

Oh, my God. I was born in New Zealand.

Every girl dreams of a wedding. Well, I don't, Mom. I never have.

Do you ever think that maybe Harry tricked Belle with her witchy white lady

voodoo? Why, what?

Wait, wait, wait, wait. This sudden decision is impulsive behavior.

Better I think you might have a brain tumor.

Okay. Mom, that's a ridiculous thing to say. Blames everything.

This sudden marriage, the secrecy, the white woman.

I don't have a brain tumor, okay? That's exactly what somebody with a brain tumor

would say. I'm calling my doctor.

Harriet, was this a make-a-wish thing? Oh, my God, Mom, no.

Turns out marriage isn't a fresh start.

It's just your old problems now with witnesses.

Crazy, opinionated witnesses.

Guys, guys, enough, enough, enough.

I know you're all concerned, okay?

But you're just going to have to trust us.

We're doing things our way, and that's a good thing.

Look, Sal and I made a pact that if we weren't married by the time we were 35,

we'd marry each other. So, yeah, this is an arrangement of sorts. What are you

talking about?

Look, we got married so that maybe one day we could afford a place, so that

Sheena has a woman in the house, so that we don't have to be so alone all the

time. You did this for money.

Well, not... Just money, but yeah, it's expensive living alone.

And I can't afford to buy a house. The bank won't even look at me.

Dating sucks. And everyone I know is married with kids and houses and jobs.

And we just didn't want to keep waiting for the one.

We care about each other. We make each other laugh.

We want what's best for each other. We're partners.

We have each other's back.

Insane. I'm sorry, this is not how marriage works. No, I agree with

Zendaya. Mum, wait.

Did you know this is safe?

Huh?

Oh, no, no. Maybe, yeah, yeah, he told me he read me.

Why didn't you just talk to me about it? Because you would have tried and talked

me out of it. You and Cam are miserable.

I wouldn't have.

We're happy, aren't we, Cam?

Oh, I've got to get some more of that mango stuff, please. You know what? At

least Vanessa knew who Cam was.

I was expecting an Italian son-in-law. Is that why you brought pasta to a

Pakistani dinner?

It's ravioli, and it's a family recipe. Okay, sorry, wait, wait. What happens

when one of you falls in love with somebody else?

I don't know.

I don't know, but we will talk about it. But I've been trying for like 20 years,

and so far, no takers.

Mum, we do love each other, just a little differently.

But I need you to trust me, okay? I am really happy, honestly.

Yeah, me too, Mum. I'm really happy, I promise.

Now, can we please go back to just enjoying this dinner together as a

family? Is that okay?

Can we do that?

Okay, great.

Bringing two families together is a universal shit show.

In-laws have a unique way of making even the fakest of marriages painfully real.

I'm going to have diarrhea for months.

Hey,

Cameron. You're back.

Sal sits in the shower.

This is for you both.

For the house. Oh, I can't. You can.

This will help with the deposit.

You're our family now.

Thank you.

We're going to work on the tag thing.

Okay, forget what I was saying.

Oh, my God. How did that not come off?

How long have you been there?

Like 45 minutes.

You take really long showers.

Okay, well, that feels predatory.

Copy that.

Hey, um, just wanted to say thanks for standing up for us tonight.

For me.

Um, I know everyone thinks we're crazy, but I'm really glad we got married.

Living up to my vow.

Good night, YP. Good night.

Oh my God, you did it. I saw it. I did it. Are we even now?

Yes. Great. Thank you.

And, um, I'm not bad, kind of.

I'm not bad.

And then you have to wonder, what is marriage, if not unconditional support

with a bunch of non-sexy nudity?

Tell you when to no, no, no, no.

Maybe that won't be until tomorrow.

Do you see the boxes I've been trying to sell?

I'm gonna let you know, know, know, know. Right before I go, go, go, go.

Maybe I will go.