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# Terrible Tudors
Gorgeous Georgians
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# Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians
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00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:07,360
# Woeful wars, ferocious fights
Dingy castles, daring knights
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00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:09,720
# Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
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00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:12,640
# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
Punishment from ancient times
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00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:14,120
# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless
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00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:15,800
# Cavemen, savage
Fierce and toothless
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00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:18,440
# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
Mean and measly Middle Ages
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# Gory stories, we do that
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00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:23,680
# And your host, a talking rat
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# The past is no longer a mystery
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# Welcome to... #
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Horrible Histories presents...
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Welcome to ancient Egypt.
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I am Pharaoh Rattasees II,
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00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:45,920
son of Verminhotep
and Queen Nefersqueaky.
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I am your guide through the age
of the pharaohs,
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00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:53,840
the kings and queens
who ruled for 3,000 years.
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They built the pyramids,
the Great Sphinx,
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and secret tombs of pharaohs,
like Tutankhamun,
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that are so well hidden, they won't
be found for thousands of yeaaaars!
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Ow!
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Found one!
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There's some amazing stuff
in this tomb,
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including an actual Pharaoh.
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Mind you, he's not dressed
as fancy as me.
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You see, when pharaohs die,
they get a bit of a makeover.
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Ooh!
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Hiya! Hello!
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We have a very special
royal surprise for someone today.
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Yeah. We have got a makeover
to die for.
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00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:34,880
Let's go and give them
the good news.
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Wow! Seti I,
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recently deceased Egyptian pharaoh.
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We're going to be dressing you
for Duat,
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the Egyptian afterlife!
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Surprise! Yay!
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Oh, bless!
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I think someone is a bit
overwhelmed.
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And also dead.
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Let's get on and do this.
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So, Seti, you simply can't go on
the mystical afterlife journey
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to the Field of Reeds
or whatever, looking like that.
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Or smelling like this.
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You smell like my nan, Seti!
FLIES BUZZ
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What are we calling it,
Hippopota-Musk?
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Let's get to work.
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You might want to lie down
for this bit.
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SMASH!
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Let's get organ cleansing.
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So, what we thought we'd do
is start out
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with some basic brain mushing
with this big, nasty hook.
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Vicious! Then we're going to pull
all that mush out through your nose.
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Does that sound OK to you,
sweetheart?
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His silence speaks volumes.
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Then we're going
to remove your lungs,
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your intestines, your stomach,
your liver,
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and pop them
in these tiny little jars
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so you can use them
in the afterlife.
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These little jars are just too cute.
But don't worry,
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we're not going
to be leaving you feeling all empty.
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We're going to be stuffing
you to the brim with bits of grass,
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straw, mud, rags,
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and my personal favourite, sawdust.
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He is good to go!
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Yes, King! Total babe.
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But I think it's time
that we sort out those threads.
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00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:15,640
Yeah. Now, clothes-wise,
I was thinking we'd just cover you
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in bandages with
magic spells written on?
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Love that detail.
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00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:20,640
And to finish off,
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00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:22,600
a tres chic death mask.
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What do you think, Seti?
"I SPHINX it's great!"
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I thought he was alive again
or something!
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Do we think he's ready?
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BOTH: So ready, he's deady!
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Let's give this Pharaoh...
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FALLING OUT OF SYNC:
..some Sarcopha-Sass!
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Come on, we practised that!
All right!
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Before we met Seti I,
his look was dead boring.
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But look at him now.
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Talk about a yummy mummy!
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Work it, twerk it, strike a pose!
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And no-one can hold
a pose like Seti.
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You are not the only one
that has died and gone to heaven!
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Well, that's it for
today's special royal makeover.
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00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:04,840
Seti's ready for the afterlife
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00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:08,400
and we're ready for the after...
After life...party. ..party.
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Sorry. Style it out.
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00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:15,800
I'm Cleopatra, one of the most
famous Ancient Egyptian pharaohs.
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00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:20,080
I ruled at the same time
as Julius Caesar and Mark Antony.
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Whazzup, Mark Anthony fans?
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Go away! This isn't about you! Whoa!
CAT SCREECHES
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00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:28,280
It's about me,
one of the last ever pharaohs.
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00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:31,400
And it's about the more than
150 other pharaohs
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who came before me,
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including Tutankhamun, Ramesses II,
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and, way back at the very start,
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the first pharaoh, called Narmer.
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Narmer is said to have
united the separate parts
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of Egypt into one kingdom.
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He eventually died an old man, but
it wasn't old age that killed him.
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00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:55,480
Well, the palette is finished,
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Pharaoh. It is a carved record
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of the mighty deeds
of your 62-year reign.
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00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:03,040
Oh, lovely! Gimme, gimme, gimme!
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Ahh, uhh!
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00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:09,200
He's fine!
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00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,200
Oh, oh! My back!
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Come on, up you pop. Ahh! Oh!
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00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:16,920
Your Majesty, perhaps the weight
is beyond one who has lived so long.
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Nonsense! A trifle.
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After all, does not my name Narmer
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mean The Mighty Catfish?!
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NARMER COUGHS
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Oh! Hmm.
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Are you good? Yes. Yes.
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The pictures tell the story
of how you united
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the kingdoms of the lower
and upper Nile.
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Did I? Yes, you did.
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Oh, that's good of me.
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Combining their two crowns... Oh.
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..to make one pharaoh
of all Egypt.
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Ah.
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Ah...!
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Oh!
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Oh, no, I've gone again! He's OK.
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Uhh! Oh.
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00:05:56,480 --> 00:06:00,120
It is a good crown but heavy
in weight
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00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:03,520
and in responsibili...
COUGH!
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00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:05,120
..ty.
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You truly are the wisest of all.
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GRUNTS
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Oh, a hippo! Oh, I love hippos.
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Pharaoh, should you really be
playing with hippos at your age?
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You won't catch me,
Mr Hipp... Oh-oh-oh!
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Ooh!
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00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:22,360
Oh, that's got to hurt.
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Poor Pharaoh Narmer,
so wise in all things.
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Except hippos.
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GRUNTING
Oh! Nice...nice Mr Hippo. Good boy!
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Ahh!
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Us pharaohs were so powerful that,
if we wanted,
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we could make our people
build whole new cities,
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00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:44,240
giant lighthouses or vast pyramids.
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00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:45,400
Watch this.
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00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:48,280
Oi, you, build me a pyramid!
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Build yourself a pyramid, Stinky!
GASPS
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Charming!
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00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:56,040
So I guess it was all the pharaohs
apart from me
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who did the amazing stuff.
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Tutankhamun's dad, who was
a pharaoh called Amenhotep IV,
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00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:06,520
even changed the number of gods
that people believed in.
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00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:10,840
Wonder what the big
announcement's going to be.
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00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:15,000
Hmm, I am hoping that
Pharaoh Amenhotep IV is going to
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00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:18,720
announce a new religious holiday.
Oh, I love religious holidays. Hmm.
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00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:20,960
People and priests of Egypt,
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your pharaoh, Acanaten,
wishes to speak with you.
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00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:27,760
Well, that's great, Queen Nefertiti,
but the pharaoh's called Amenhotep.
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That is what
he wishes to speak to you about.
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I've changed my name
from Amenhotep...
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Right. OK...
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..to Akhenaten.
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Huh. That's a bit of a let down
cos I was hoping for the holiday.
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I know you were.
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Your pharaoh has taken the name
of the one true god...
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I think you are mistaken,
we have loads of gods.
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Absolutely loads.
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Not any more.
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From this day forth, my kingdom
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will reject all of the
old gods like Amen... Oh.
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..and worship just one god, Aten.
Er...
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The God of the Sun. Uh-huh.
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And worship of all the other
gods is now banned.
175
00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:08,880
Well, how do the other
gods feel about that?
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Look, it's perfectly simple.
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# We do not worship Amen
No, no, no
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# We do not worship Amen
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# Amen is an old god
He's an old god
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# We no longer like them, we now
worship the disc in the sky
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# Pray to the disc in the sky
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# His name is Aten
and he is your new friend
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# Sunshine!
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# You leading this country or am I?
I'm sorry, my pharaoh, go on
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# There's too many gods these days
Don't really need them
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# Thousands of them, all the same
Can't say I feel them
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# Who needs loads when one's OK?
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# Come on everyone
Let's hear you say
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# We do not worship Amen
No, no, no
190
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# We do not worship Amen
191
00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:06,960
# Don't need no priests
He'll only talk to me
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# He's such a great god
I write him poetry
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# His rays shine down
Upon our family
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# So we do not worship Amen
No, no, no
195
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:26,200
# Not a word about Amen
Shh
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# Any reference to Amen
Must go, go!
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00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:33,480
# Aten's all you need to know. #
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Sorry, erm,
what does this mean for holidays?
199
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,080
Hey, guys!
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00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:44,720
It's your boy Irenakhty here to tell
you all about my job,
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00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:47,080
AKA, the best job in the world!
202
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:52,160
So, I work with the pharaoh.
203
00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:53,320
That's right.
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00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:57,520
I get up close and personal
with literal living gods.
205
00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:01,440
Look, one of them even signed my
arm, how cool is that?
206
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:06,000
What's the best bit about a pharaoh?
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00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:07,120
Their crown, their gold,
208
00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:09,040
their dangerously unlimited power?
209
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:12,840
It's their royal bums, of course.
210
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:14,520
And that's my job.
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00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:16,480
I am the royal bottom doctor,
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00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:18,160
who gives enemas to pharaohs.
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00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:19,200
I know, right?
214
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:27,200
You know how, generally with butts,
it's all bad stuff,
215
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:28,800
like, poo coming out?
216
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:31,880
Well, enemas are when you
put good stuff, like medicine, in.
217
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:35,360
# You put medicine up his bum! #
218
00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:37,480
My full title is...
219
00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:41,840
That's roughly how it
translates into English.
220
00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:44,640
It is a tough job but
someone's got to do it.
221
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,640
Now, let's look at the instruments
222
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:50,320
us Ancient Egyptian
butt doctors used.
223
00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:54,360
A tube made of bone, perfect
for inserting into the royal rump.
224
00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:56,400
As is this one, made of reed.
225
00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:57,800
And this one, made of metal.
226
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:03,520
Now, attached to one end of
the tube is a bag made of silk,
227
00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:06,760
or, if we're feeling really fancy,
ox bladder.
228
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:10,800
Soz, oxes, I love you but I need
your bladder for my bottom pipes.
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00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:14,840
And then I fill the bag with a
special blend of herbs and spices...
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00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:16,680
Secret blend!
231
00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:18,320
Which I will NOT reveal.
232
00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:20,720
..mixed together with the
finest ingredients...
233
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:26,200
Mmm-mmm! It's good enough to eat!
234
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:27,320
But don't eat it...
235
00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:29,840
Pfffrrrttt!
236
00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:33,160
"What are enemas even for?!"
I hear you cry.
237
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:34,680
Well, what aren't they for?
238
00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:36,480
Feeling diseased? Get an enema!
239
00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:38,200
Losing your hair? Get an enema!
240
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:39,640
Going grey? Get an enema!
241
00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:42,320
Feeling like your spirit's
all icky? Get an enema!
242
00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:45,400
Getting bored of enemas?
You'd better get an enema!
243
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:48,200
You know, some people call me
a hero and I'm, like,
244
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:53,480
guys, I'm no hero, I'm just a humble
shepherd, a shepherd of the butt.
245
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,440
Er, Mr Shepherd?
246
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:56,520
My next appointment.
247
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:57,600
What are we thinking?
248
00:11:57,600 --> 00:11:59,840
I'll be honest, it's a
metal tube kind of a day.
249
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:02,680
I'll clear my schedule.
250
00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:05,800
Best job in the world.
251
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:11,160
Wow! There's a long list
of bad jobs in history
252
00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:14,680
but Herdsman of the Butt
is at the bottom, literally!
253
00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:16,520
Ha-ha!
254
00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:19,640
Obviously, being pharaoh is
one of the best jobs
255
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,440
but it could be dangerous,
256
00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:25,080
as sometimes pharaohs would have
to lead their armies into battles.
257
00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:28,480
Like the Battle of Kadesh, which was
fought between the Egyptians
258
00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:32,720
of Ramesses II and the Hittites
of King Hattusili III.
259
00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:36,000
And it's one of the most famous
battles of all time.
260
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:39,960
Neither side could win by fighting,
so they tried to make peace,
261
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:43,040
but that wasn't
smooth sailing either.
262
00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:47,440
Sorting out the beefs
of the past...
263
00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:49,880
I don't care if it
is a breathtaking monument,
264
00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:52,840
you cannot build a sphinx without
planning permission!
265
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,840
..with the justice of today.
266
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:57,200
And, honestly, half lion, half man?
267
00:12:57,200 --> 00:13:00,560
Just pick one
and stick to it next time!
268
00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:02,560
Welcome to...
269
00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:10,240
Ramesses II, third pharaoh
of the 19th Dynasty of Egypt,
270
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:13,080
is in court to face the King
of the Hittites, Hattusili III,
271
00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:16,160
over who triumphed
at the Battle of Kadesh.
272
00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:19,600
OK, we all get it, you're the heads
of warring kingdoms,
273
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:22,680
you both want the same land, you're
about to fight a battle over it,
274
00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:24,160
am I right?
275
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:25,600
You're way off, Rinder.
276
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:27,560
We actually just signed
a peace treaty
277
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:28,840
on these massive,
silver tablets.
278
00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:30,440
Yeah, it's the
earliest example
279
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,080
of a written
peace treaty, innit.
280
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:33,920
We've even given each
other presents.
281
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:36,120
And I'm also marrying his daughter.
282
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:37,800
What's happening, babes?
283
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:41,080
I just don't buy it, if you're
so nicey-nicey to each other,
284
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:43,440
what on Earth
are you doing in my courtroom?
285
00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:45,920
Well, we's had a
slight disagreement
286
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:48,400
on my stunning victory at
the Battle of Kadesh,
287
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:51,120
where my armies completely
destroyed that of his brother's.
288
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:53,560
What?! My brother totally
trashed your Egyptian forces.
289
00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:55,640
As if!
Admit you lost!
290
00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:57,680
No, I didn't!
Admit it! Admit it!
291
00:13:57,680 --> 00:13:59,920
Admit it! I won!
That's it!
292
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:02,040
I'm banning tablets
from the courtroom! Aw!
293
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:04,480
Ramesses, just give
me your version of events.
294
00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:06,320
Right. There I was, all alone.
295
00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:08,880
The Hittites, I slaughtered
them all at will.
296
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:10,080
Whopta-whopta-whopta!
297
00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:11,720
You allow this?
He's making it up!
298
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:13,200
You'll get your turn!
299
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:16,080
And their arms went limp,
so they couldn't shoot.
300
00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:18,720
I made them plunge
into the water like crocodiles.
301
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:21,040
You had way more
casualties than us!
302
00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:22,160
Well, if I'm lying,
303
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:24,800
then why is my
version of events written all over
304
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,280
the Egyptian temples in Luxor?
Why is that then? Why is that?
305
00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:29,560
Because you put it there
on the tablets.
306
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:31,560
You even sent me
a copy, innit?
307
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:32,760
Oh, I wish
I'd never said
308
00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:34,440
that my daughter
could marry him.
309
00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:36,240
She'd be better off with a hippo.
Ey, whaaaat?
310
00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:38,480
This is Battle of Kadesh part two,
you know.
311
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:39,680
Come on, then! OK!
312
00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:40,800
Woo! Woo!
313
00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:41,840
Order! Order!
314
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,920
Goodness me. If this
is the two of you at peace,
315
00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:46,120
I'd hate to see
the two of you at war.
316
00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:49,040
You've signed a peace treaty,
now honour it, Hattusili.
317
00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:51,600
Fine. I promise
to protect his nation, innit?
318
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:53,000
Ramesses?
319
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,440
Yeah, yeah, I guess I promise to
protect his nation too.
320
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:56,600
Well, thank you.
321
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:58,800
Even though mine is better
and I won the Battle of Kadesh, woo!
322
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:00,000
Right!
323
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,160
Order! Order! Bailiff, all of this
nonsense is giving me a headache.
324
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,280
Please, could you
go and find me a tablet?
325
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:06,600
Oh, you take it out?
326
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:08,240
Not that sort of tablet.
327
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:11,040
Although that would look
rather good in my bathroom.
328
00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:12,680
Go on, man! I beat you like a drum.
329
00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:14,080
I beat you like a drum, man!
330
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:15,480
Yeah, there you go!
331
00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:19,800
Bonjour. I am Napolean Bonaparte
and in 1798,
332
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:23,440
I took 40,000 magnificent
French soldiers to capture Egypt.
333
00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:26,440
There, we saw ancient wonders,
like the pyramids, the Sphinx
334
00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:28,520
and the tombs of the pharaohs.
335
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:31,920
It was a land awash
with history and culture.
336
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:35,960
So, what present did my wife receive
when I got back from the trip?
337
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:39,400
Was it, A,
a jewelled scarab beetle necklace?
338
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:42,720
B, a gold statue of Ramesses II?
339
00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:44,840
Or C, a mummified head?
340
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:47,440
The answer
341
00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:51,120
is C, a mummified head!
342
00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:54,040
Ha-ha! Talk about a gift
that money can't buy, am I right?
343
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:55,920
Look how much fun this is!
344
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:57,960
"I'm not going back in
the sarcophagus."
345
00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:00,000
You HAVE to go back
into the sarcophagus.
346
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:03,000
"You can't make me!
I'm going to tell my mummy."
347
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:05,640
Don't be silly, you ARE a mummy!
348
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:07,200
Ha-ha!
349
00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:11,440
Oh, I should have got her flowers,
shouldn't I?
350
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:16,560
Fearful of an uprising,
351
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:18,080
Pharaoh Apries has sent
352
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:20,000
his special envoy Patarbemis
353
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:24,160
to order the rebel leader Amasis
to surrender immediately.
354
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:28,840
Amasis, you go too far.
355
00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:31,600
How dare you lead this revolution
356
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:34,960
against the true
Egyptian Pharaoh Apries?
357
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:39,560
He will crush you and your army like
the insects that you are,
358
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:42,920
unless I can convince you to
lay down your weapons and surrender.
359
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:47,240
Then, perhaps, he may be merciful.
360
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:50,200
I have but one message
for your pharaoh.
361
00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:52,840
PARRRRP!
362
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:55,120
Wha...what?
363
00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:56,480
Take that back to
your pharaoh!
364
00:16:57,640 --> 00:16:59,240
Sorry, take what
back to my pharaoh?
365
00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,360
Oh, you want me to repeat myself?
No problem.
366
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:03,240
PARRP!
367
00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:05,560
You dare to pass wind
368
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:07,760
in front of the representative
of the Pharaoh?
369
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:08,920
PARP!
370
00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:10,200
Yep. Stop that!
371
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:11,320
PARP!
Nope.
372
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:12,480
Stop it!
PARP!
373
00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:14,000
Sto...!
PARP, PARP, PARP!
374
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,120
Stop! Stop!
PARP!
375
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:17,360
Stop!
376
00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:19,680
Please, if I do not return
with you, the Pharaoh...
377
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:21,200
PARP!
378
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,800
..the Pharaoh will cut off my ears
379
00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:26,160
and cut off my nose for my failure.
380
00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:29,200
I mean, that's probably for the
best, given how bad this one smells.
381
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:30,800
PAAAARRRRRRPPPPP!
382
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:33,640
That does it.
383
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,760
You have made a powerful
enemy today,
384
00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:38,200
who will rain vengeance down
on you like...
385
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:39,320
HE SNIFFS
386
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:41,080
Oh, no, that one just reached me.
387
00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:43,560
Oh, that is vile!
388
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:45,160
Oh, you're an animal!
389
00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:46,280
Ugh!
390
00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:48,600
Oh, you need to see someone. Ugh!
391
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:50,080
Come, we must move quickly.
392
00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:51,440
PARRP!
393
00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:52,760
I need to change my pants.
394
00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,160
So, Mark Antony,
395
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:00,960
tell me about this girl
you're here to meet.
396
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:02,560
Yeah, she's pretty fit.
397
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:04,120
She's actually ruler of Egypt.
398
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:06,080
But, er, nothing can
happen between us.
399
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:08,080
She's Julius Caesar's ex,
and you know the saying -
400
00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:09,760
bros before pharaohs.
401
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:11,920
But she's beautiful,
intelligent, funny,
402
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:13,800
and... Oh!
403
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:15,960
Man, has she got a sweet ride!
404
00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:19,200
Wow!
405
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:20,680
Ooh-ooh!
406
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:23,160
Cor, that is one massive barge!
407
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:25,040
Oh, no! How do you stop this thing?
408
00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:26,560
Ah! Ooh!
409
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:28,480
And it's quite difficult to park.
410
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,160
Hey, there, Mark Antony.
411
00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:34,280
Sorry I had to turn up in
this tatty old boat.
412
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:37,320
Tatty?! Your Majesty had us up
all night working on it
413
00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:38,800
to impress the Romans.
414
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:39,880
Ah!
415
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:40,920
Huh.
416
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:42,640
It's OK, I've
got another one.
417
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:43,760
Your Majesty.
418
00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:44,840
PLAYS FLUTE
419
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:47,560
Why don't you come aboard
my little boat?
420
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:48,760
I'm OK!
421
00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:49,880
Agh!
422
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:51,040
Are those oars silver?
423
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:55,440
Might be.
424
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:57,120
This barge smells amazing.
425
00:18:57,120 --> 00:18:59,680
I mean, it'll make the
whole dock smell good.
426
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:01,800
Which is handy because,
at the moment, it smells of...
427
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:03,160
MOO!
PARP, SPLASH!
428
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:04,480
Yes, well.
429
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:05,880
I'm so glad you like me barge.
430
00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:08,360
Not that I brought it
here to impress you or anything,
431
00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:11,160
but this deck is painted in gold.
432
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:12,520
Ooh, shiny!
433
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:16,240
So, why did the big,
important Roman general
434
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:18,920
want to see little old me, hmm?
435
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:20,080
Ha!
436
00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:23,160
Well, I was wondering if you'd be
interested in some sort of alliance.
437
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:26,520
Ah, you want me to use me riches
to make us a power couple
438
00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:28,880
so we can take over
the entire world?
439
00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:31,520
What? Well...er, yeah,
something like that.
440
00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:34,920
Why don't you and me go for
a sail in me golden barge
441
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:36,520
and talk about this some more?
442
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:37,720
Forwards!
443
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:41,080
Good times. Where are we going?
444
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,840
We? Ah!
SHE GIGGLES
445
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:45,520
It's OK. I've got another one.
446
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:47,760
THEY BOTH LAUGH
447
00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:49,360
Help! A fish stole my flute.
448
00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:50,840
FLUTE PLAYS RANDOMLY
449
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:51,880
Oh!
450
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:56,080
Nothing lasts forever,
not even pharaohs.
451
00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:59,440
Cleopatra was one of the last,
and she famously had children
452
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:01,760
with Roman Emperor Julius Caesar
453
00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:04,320
and Roman general Mark Antony.
454
00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:07,640
After she and her children died,
the title of pharaoh
455
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,520
was then actually also held
by the Roman Emperor.
456
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:13,840
You'd think that'd be a
cushy little number,
457
00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:17,720
but for Maximinus Daza,
the last ever Roman Emperor Pharaoh,
458
00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:19,840
that wasn't quite the case.
459
00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:21,200
Mm-mm-mm!
460
00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:26,040
MAN: ..and he was covered in bread
by the end of the day.
461
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:27,760
It was like bread everywhere!
462
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:29,240
He was like a man made of bread.
463
00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:31,440
Drink, please.
464
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:33,840
Are you OK down there?
465
00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:35,680
Yeah, yeah. All good.
466
00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:37,760
What brings you to Tarsus?
467
00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:39,320
I'd really rather not say.
468
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,520
All right,
I was only being friendly.
469
00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:43,160
Just, I really want to stay
out of sight,
470
00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:46,160
just in case people are
looking for me because, er..
471
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:47,840
..in truth...
472
00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:50,040
..I'm the Emperor of Rome,
Maximinus Daza.
473
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:52,920
BOTH LAUGH
474
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:56,480
What would the Emperor of Rome
be doing here in Tarsus?
475
00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:57,800
If he's the Emperor of Rome...
476
00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,160
Sh! Keep your voice down!
477
00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:00,440
..I'm the Pharaoh of Egypt!
478
00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:02,200
Oh, hello, Pharaoh!
479
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:04,680
But, actually, you can't be
the Pharaoh of Egypt
480
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:06,240
because I am also that as well.
481
00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:08,360
Oh, of course he's the Pharaoh
as well!
482
00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:10,200
Just keep it down!
483
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:12,200
Funny guy!
484
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:15,080
Funny guy.
Look, it's very, very simple, OK?
485
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:18,200
I am both the Emperor of Rome
and the Pharaoh of Egypt, so...
486
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:21,920
I mean, you don't dress
very Egyptian for a pharaoh!
487
00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:24,080
That's because I'm in hiding.
488
00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:27,640
Anyway, the pharaoh hasn't actually
come from Egypt for about 600 years.
489
00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:28,840
BOTH: Ooh!
490
00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:30,240
Of course! Silly us.
491
00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:31,760
Look, if you must know,
492
00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:34,040
the Persians took the
title after they conquered Egypt,
493
00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:35,800
then the Greeks
conquered the Persians,
494
00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:38,120
then after Cleopatra,
it went to the Romans.
495
00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:40,120
Right, and that's how you got it,
496
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:42,720
because you're the Emperor of Rome!
497
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,760
Stop calling me the Emperor of Rome!
498
00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:46,040
Even though I am.
499
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:47,440
You just don't want us to say that
500
00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:48,920
because you don't want
everyone knowing
501
00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:50,640
you've been telling porky pies.
502
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:52,960
No, it's because I was
deposed by my fellow Emperor,
503
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:56,120
Licinius Maximinus, and now
his people are hunting for me!
504
00:21:56,120 --> 00:21:58,400
Listen, babes, if you
want to go round the place
505
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,920
telling people you're
a pharaoh/emperor,
506
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:03,320
you carry on. I don't judge.
507
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:05,360
So, neither of you believe me.
OK, great!
508
00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:07,280
Oh, no, I'm sorry, babes.
509
00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:08,640
Hail Caesar!
510
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:10,080
What did I say to you?
What did I say?
511
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:13,160
Oh, sorry. Hello... Hello.
..Caesar.
512
00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:14,680
Er, we need to go, sire.
513
00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:16,080
Ah! Mister.
514
00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:17,840
Erm, buddy?
515
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:19,400
Don't touch me. Yeah.
516
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:21,080
We shouldn't stay too
long in one place.
517
00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:23,200
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
518
00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:25,280
We'll move on, we'll move on.
Go, go, go!
519
00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:26,880
Centurion, as well, so...
520
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:30,200
..believe people
when they say things, yeah?
521
00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:34,240
I knew he was the Emperor.
522
00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:37,480
Oh, yeah. I mean,
I can spot a pharaoh a mile off.
523
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:39,240
Cos I'm the King of Germania.
524
00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:41,000
Shut up. Can I have a free drink?
525
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:42,280
No.
526
00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:45,960
And that's the end of the pharaohs.
527
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:48,720
All we're really left with
are the monuments they built
528
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:50,800
and the treasures
we found in their tombs -
529
00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:53,040
things that were left with
their mummified remains
530
00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:54,920
that the Ancient Egyptians believed
531
00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:57,160
would help get
them into the afterlife.
532
00:22:57,160 --> 00:23:00,320
Here are three of the greatest
to tell us all about it.
533
00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:15,200
# We all know we're heading
To the valley of death
534
00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:17,040
# We want eternal life
535
00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:18,640
# After our last breath
536
00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:21,600
# Cos I've been a pharaoh
Got a neme on my head
537
00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:24,760
# But when we die we need help
From the Book Of The Dead
538
00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:27,320
# It's a magic scroll of hymns
To the sun god Ra
539
00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:30,760
# To help us through the afterlife
There's many things we must say
540
00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:33,800
# Like I've never uttered lies
Never been an eavesdropper
541
00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:35,160
# I have never raised my voice
542
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:36,960
# Lived my life so proper
543
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:39,640
# Every text is different
Written for each soul
544
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:42,720
# But you know in the end
We only got one goal
545
00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:45,480
# These rules will remind us
once we cease to be
546
00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:48,520
# And help us live in peace
for all eternity
547
00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:49,600
# Uh
548
00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:51,440
# Been waiting all our lives
549
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:54,760
# To get into pharaoh's paradise
550
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:57,160
# These words will be our guides
551
00:23:57,160 --> 00:24:01,080
# To living in a pharaoh's paradise
552
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:08,240
# Spells are written onto walls
553
00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:09,680
# Inside our mummy wrappings
554
00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:12,920
# Even in gold masks
and other pharaoh trappings
555
00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:15,800
# Cos getting into paradise
You know it 'ain't easy
556
00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:17,720
# Your heart is weighed
against a feather
557
00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:19,000
# Hope it ain't breezy
558
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:21,240
# Then we all board a ferry
'cross the Lily Lake
559
00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:24,360
# To the Field of Reeds
the ferry man will take us
560
00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:26,080
# Then we'll meet our friends
561
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:27,480
# And all beloved pets
562
00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:28,920
# In the Field of Reeds
563
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:30,800
# We'll have eternal rest, yeah
564
00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:34,000
# Yeah, death ain't nothing
but a new form of living
565
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:37,000
# So glad we got the Book Of The
Dead and the advice it's giving
566
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:39,720
# I'm 18 now,
but will I ever see 20 though?
567
00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:41,840
# You better hurry with my book
568
00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:43,480
# Don't be slow, mmm
569
00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:45,320
# Been waiting all our lives
570
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:48,760
# To get into pharaoh's paradise
571
00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:51,600
# These words will be our guides
572
00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:55,480
# To living in a pharaoh's paradise
573
00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:57,680
# Been spending most our lives
574
00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:01,480
# Avoiding dangerous crocodiles
575
00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:03,480
# Preparing all our lives
576
00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:06,920
# For living in a
pharaoh's paradise. #
577
00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:11,840
OMP for pharaoh!
578
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:14,280
I SPHINX it's great!
579
00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:16,680
You smell like
my nan, Seti.
580
00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:18,800
What are we calling this?
Hippopotamupupupupu....?
581
00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:20,720
LAUGHTER
582
00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:23,520
# The past is no
longer a mystery
583
00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:24,880
# Hope you enjoyed
584
00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:28,240
# Horrible Histories. #43580
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