Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,840
# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians
2
00:00:02,840 --> 00:00:04,280
# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
3
00:00:04,280 --> 00:00:07,040
# Woeful wars, ferocious fights
# Dingy castles, daring knights
4
00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:09,840
# Horrors that defy description
# Cutthroat Celts, awful Egyptians
5
00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:12,640
# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
# Punishment from ancient times
6
00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:13,960
# Romans
# Rotten, rank and ruthless
7
00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:15,320
# Cavemen
# Savage, fierce and toothless
8
00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:18,160
# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
# Mean and measly Middle Ages
9
00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:20,800
# Gory stories, we do that
10
00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:23,520
# And your host, a talking rat
11
00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:26,320
# The past is no longer a mystery
12
00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:27,720
# Welcome to
13
00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:31,840
# Horrible Histories. #
14
00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:34,280
VOICEOVER: Horrible Histories
presents:
15
00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:40,440
Is the coast clear?
16
00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:41,840
Take that!
Mph!
17
00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:44,400
Oh, that looked nasty!
18
00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:47,200
My brothers and sisters and I are
in the middle of an epic battle.
19
00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:51,120
One of our classic
ratty pillow fights.
20
00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:52,800
Da! Incoming! Ahh!
21
00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:53,840
Eugh!
22
00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:57,160
It all started when my sisters
invaded my brother's bedroom.
23
00:00:57,200 --> 00:00:59,720
That's how real wars
sometimes start too.
24
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:03,360
One nation invades another country
and tries to take it over.
25
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:06,640
Of course, some of history's
invasions went better than others.
26
00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:07,720
(FANFARE)
27
00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:09,280
Charge!
28
00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:17,280
That huge amount of ships
that we sent against the English,
29
00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:18,480
I think we made them mad.
30
00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:27,280
Try and invade us, will you, Spain?
31
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:29,920
Well, now it's payback time.
32
00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:34,080
Sir Francis Drake.
Your Maj.
33
00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:37,440
Unleash the English Armada.
34
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,840
You had me at "unleash the E".
35
00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:47,520
..led by Francis Drake
36
00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:49,760
aboard his ship 'Revenge'.
37
00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:53,840
180 ships,
tens of thousands of soldiers.
38
00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:57,160
We shall destroy the Spanish fleet!
Attack!
39
00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:00,400
Wait!
40
00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:03,400
Instead of their fleet of ships,
41
00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:07,080
let's attack the Spanish
city of Coruna.
42
00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:13,880
I wonder
if they've conquered Spain yet.
43
00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:14,960
Mm.
44
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:18,760
OK. Might take a bit
longer than I thought.
45
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:20,440
Longer?!
46
00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:22,200
The winds are blowing
in the wrong direction!
47
00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:24,400
The men are dying of
starvation and sickness!
48
00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:27,160
What are you complaining about?
We've still got 5000 men.
49
00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:30,520
Yes, but we started out
with tens of thousands of men!
50
00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:31,560
That's not ideal.
51
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,240
You know the English Armada
52
00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:42,120
we sent against the Spanish
because of the Spanish Armada
53
00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:43,280
they sent against us?
54
00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:46,400
Well, I think they may be
planning revenge.
55
00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:48,400
No.
Yes!
56
00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:51,000
Another Spanish Armada!
57
00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:58,600
I'm beginning to think armadas
might be overrated.
58
00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:00,000
Yeah!
59
00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:02,520
Me and my brothers
are losing the battle,
60
00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:05,080
so we've turned our bedrooms
into a fort.
61
00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:08,920
We built barriers at every entrance
so our sisters can't attack us.
62
00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:11,200
We are totally safe.
63
00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:13,120
Ah! Ugh.
64
00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:14,720
Battles are hard.
65
00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:17,640
And it's not just the landscapes
that are a problem.
66
00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:20,720
Keep it down, you lot!
Sorry, Mum!
67
00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:23,080
Sometimes the people
are the problem.
68
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,000
William the Conqueror
found that out.
69
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,760
After he killed King Harold
at the Battle of Hastings,
70
00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:31,280
he came up against
a particularly tricky opponent.
71
00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:33,920
Harold's mum! Ooft!
72
00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:43,360
Hello!
I am King William of England.
73
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:44,800
I know you're in there!
74
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,040
We're not scared of you, William!
75
00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:52,440
Guys, seriously,
I am not OK about this rebellion.
76
00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:54,320
I just conquered you!
77
00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:58,240
I'm so peeved, I literally
just poked this guy's eyes out.
78
00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:01,720
There was a whole battle
near Hastings. Remember?
79
00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:03,960
My rival King Harold
80
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,400
and all his brothers
were killed or captured.
81
00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:07,680
I mean,
82
00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:13,960
there's literally no-one else from
the royal family left to lead you!
83
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:17,160
Move it, sunshine.
84
00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:21,360
Go away!
85
00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:23,880
Oh, for crying out loud.
Look who it is.
86
00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:25,720
Yeah, I would
if you hadn't poked my eyes out.
87
00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:28,240
Oh, sorry. Yeah,
it's the old King Harold's mum,
88
00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:29,280
Gytha.
Oh?
89
00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:35,880
Yeah! You forgot
about Mummy, didn't you?
90
00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:38,080
Look, it would be better
for everybody
91
00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:43,160
if we ended all this rivalry
and you just surrendered.
92
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,680
So what do you say?
93
00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:48,160
Why's it all gone quiet?
94
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:49,680
Hang on. Something's happening.
95
00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:52,880
Oh, I think he's getting his bum out.
Fire!
96
00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:54,640
But why?
(FARTS)
97
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:56,960
Don't worry about it, Your Majesty.
98
00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,640
Everyone does it
when they get nervous.
99
00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:01,400
That wasn't me. It was them!
Oh, sure it was.
100
00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:05,800
That's our answer!
101
00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:11,000
The sound of a mother's rage.
102
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:12,080
(FARTS)
103
00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:15,120
And by the smell of it...
(SNIFFS)
104
00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:18,880
..cabbage.
(FARTS)
105
00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:21,160
Oh!
Oh, God, that is strong.
106
00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:22,480
(FARTS) Oh!
107
00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:24,520
Maybe you should go
and change your chainmail.
108
00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:27,280
It wasn't me! Do you want me
to poke something else out?
109
00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:29,200
Yeah. Could you start with my nose?
Ohh.
110
00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:31,080
Hit him again!
111
00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:33,040
(FARTS)
Oh!
112
00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:35,880
I know you have them surrounded,
but maybe it's time we retreated.
113
00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:37,120
Yeah, it stinks.
114
00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:38,160
(CONTINUES FARTING)
115
00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:42,440
That's right! Fear our power!
116
00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:43,480
(FARTS)
117
00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:46,520
And smell it, too!
(FARTS)
118
00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:48,960
Oh, I could smell that one
from France!
119
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:52,280
We'll be back!
Right. That's enough.
120
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:53,720
(FARTS)
121
00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:55,240
Oh.
122
00:05:56,920 --> 00:06:00,520
It's been 90 years since
Caesar failed to conquer Britain.
123
00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:04,040
Rome has a new emperor determined
to finish the job.
124
00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:06,520
It's gonna take
one tough toga wearer
125
00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:09,320
to risk everything in this hellhole.
126
00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:11,960
I'm Emperor Claudius,
and this is...
127
00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:21,040
You're on an island filled with
bloodthirsty warriors and druids.
128
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:23,640
Staying alive through the night
is going to be a challenge.
129
00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:26,760
You're going to need protection,
and you're going to need it fast.
130
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:31,240
Look around you. What do you see?
Nothing but trees and dirt.
131
00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:36,000
But trees and dirt with training and
basic tools can become a fortress.
132
00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:38,000
A fortress can keep you alive
133
00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:41,000
when everybody around
you wants you dead.
134
00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:43,000
But what I like to do is
135
00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:45,280
stay 900 miles away in Rome
136
00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:47,400
and let my general, Paulinus,
137
00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:49,160
and the army do the hard work.
138
00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:52,120
When you're faced with death,
139
00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:53,760
being somewhere completely different
140
00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:56,000
is a very effective way of
staying alive.
141
00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:01,240
You finally arrived in Great Britain
142
00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:02,800
because the war has
already been won,
143
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:04,200
but now you have to win the peace
144
00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:06,880
and these locals will rebel
at the drop of a helmet.
145
00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:07,880
(HELMET THUDS)
Ah!
146
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:09,920
You need to be prepared, and
that means using what's around you.
147
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:11,120
Look around you. What do you see?
148
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:16,000
A stone can be used as a missile. Ya!
(CAT SCREECHES)
149
00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:18,360
And wood is good
for keeping the fire going at night.
150
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:23,200
Staying well lit and armed is vitally
important in a hostile situation.
151
00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:25,800
But what I like to do is...
bring an elephant.
152
00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:26,840
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)
153
00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:30,240
It's unlikely the locals
will have seen an elephant.
154
00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:31,520
"What's that?" they'll say,
155
00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:33,360
and I'll say, "That's an elephant."
156
00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:35,800
And they'll say, "Cool,
I've never seen one of those.
157
00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:36,880
"Let's not rebel."
158
00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:39,640
Probably.
Who cares? I've got an elephant!
159
00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:40,680
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)
160
00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:43,600
I love it when they do that!
X-treme elephant!
161
00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:47,040
Conquer more of the island
162
00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:48,800
so you're safer from attack.
163
00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:52,240
You've secured the south-east,
but it's going to take years
164
00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:55,200
to spread your rule across this new
and dangerous island.
165
00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:58,880
You've got decades of hard work
and danger ahead of you.
166
00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:01,200
But what I'd like to do is...
go home
167
00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:02,680
after 16 days.
168
00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:04,080
Let the army do the rest.
169
00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:08,840
Going home to Rome seriously reduces
your chances of being killed abroad.
170
00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:09,880
And that's...
171
00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:13,720
Let's bounce.
172
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:17,400
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)
173
00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:19,800
I forgot my elephant.
174
00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:24,960
Now, gentlemen, in precisely
one minute's time,
175
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,240
we're going to march
as British soldiers
176
00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:31,520
fighting for the East India Company
into battle at Seringapatam.
177
00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:32,560
How do you like that?
178
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:33,960
Any chance we could do it tomorrow,
Colonel?
179
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:35,200
(FARTING SOUND)
180
00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:37,920
No, we cannot do it tomorrow.
We're doing it today.
181
00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:39,840
Can we have this conversation
in the shade, sir?
182
00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:43,880
I think my hat has cooked my head.
No, we cannot talk in the shade.
183
00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:46,400
A British soldier
stands where he must.
184
00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:50,200
Be that under fire,
in the ice or in the sun.
185
00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:51,280
Is that understood?
186
00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:52,760
Uhhh.
187
00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:55,320
He must be very strong.
188
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:57,680
I think their leader just killed
a man with his finger.
189
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:03,040
Why are the British wearing such
ridiculously hot and thick uniforms?
190
00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:04,840
If you're gonna march into
someone else's country
191
00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:06,600
killing anyone who resists,
192
00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:08,640
the least you could do
is dress appropriately.
193
00:09:08,680 --> 00:09:10,720
We're struggling with the sun, sir.
We all are.
194
00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:11,800
We're not used to it.
195
00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:14,680
Or the fevers,
or the water, or the food.
196
00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:16,920
(FARTS) Oh!
Sorry, I've got dysentery, sir.
197
00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:20,800
(FARTS) Hey! Ho-oh!
That was a close one.
198
00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:23,720
I don't care if it's a bit hot.
199
00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:25,200
I don't care...
(FARTS)
200
00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:26,680
..if you've got a runny bottom.
201
00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:27,720
(FARTS)
202
00:09:27,760 --> 00:09:31,360
I don't care if anyone's got
a little bit of fever.
203
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:34,000
Lemons. Badgers. Soup fairies!
204
00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:35,640
That's just fever,
he's seeing things!
205
00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:37,800
(FARTS)
Hah-hah! Ho-ho-oh-ho! Wow!
206
00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:39,880
Promise I'm trying to keep them in.
207
00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:41,240
(LOUD RUMBLES)
Can you hear gunfire?
208
00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:42,280
(DISTANT FARTING SOUNDS)
209
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:45,000
I think some of them soldiers
are dropping bottom bombs.
210
00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:47,720
They can't handle food with flavour.
It goes straight through them.
211
00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:50,080
It is a mystery
why they keep stealing food from us.
212
00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:51,200
(DISTANT FARTING SOUNDS)
213
00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:52,240
When they finally leave,
214
00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:54,240
it is going to
take an age to clean up after them.
215
00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:56,800
And to rebuild all the cities
they burned.
216
00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:58,640
You lot are a disgrace!
(FARTS)
217
00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:00,640
Now, you need to be ready to march.
March?!
218
00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:03,960
I am standing dead still
and clenching my bum.
219
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:07,200
(STOMACH RUMBLES)
If I march, it's gonna be carnage.
220
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:09,000
(FARTS)
Perhaps you'd like to be excused
221
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,080
from battle today.
222
00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:12,120
(CONTINUES FARTING)
223
00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:14,760
You shower of toilets!
224
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:18,000
The British Empire covers one sixth
of the world's land.
225
00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:20,320
The British soldiers
are feared around the globe.
226
00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:24,480
Do you really think a bit of heat,
gut-churning, is going to stop us?
227
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:26,440
(FARTS) Ohhh! (STOMACH RUMBLES)
228
00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:27,800
Oh, that might slow us
down, actually.
229
00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:28,880
(FARTS) Oh!
230
00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:31,760
Gonna need a new uniform.
231
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:36,000
I just can't believe
we're losing this war to these guys.
232
00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:38,120
They'll go eventually.
They'll have to.
233
00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:39,240
They'll run out of underwear.
234
00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:45,880
We all know the first rule of
pillow fights. Pillows only!
235
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:48,360
But if we're going
to defeat my sisters,
236
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:50,680
I'm going to have to get a bit
more creative.
237
00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:52,960
So I've emptied the feathers
out of this one
238
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,920
and put my mate Freddie the Frog
inside.
239
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:58,680
Matilda's scared of frogs. Ha.
240
00:10:58,720 --> 00:10:59,720
(FROG RIBBITS)
241
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:01,120
Uh... Oh.
242
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:03,680
Unfortunately, Freddie's scared
of Matilda, too.
243
00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:05,920
Come on, she's not that scary!
244
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:09,520
I guess new weapons for battle
are bound to have teething problems.
245
00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:11,160
Just ask this lot.
246
00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:15,600
Sire.
Mmm.
247
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:16,720
I think you'll be impressed.
248
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:19,440
I've invented a new weapon
that will revolutionise hunting.
249
00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:20,600
Ooh, exciting.
250
00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:23,920
I started with a small, sharpened
piece of bone.
251
00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:26,560
But that is tiny. You will
never catch a lion with this.
252
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:27,600
Look.
253
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:30,200
Did that hurt?
Uh, well, a little bit.
254
00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:32,480
No, it didn't.
OK, but I hadn't finished.
255
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:35,560
You see, next, I glued it to the end
of a piece of wood.
256
00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:37,240
Ah, you're wasting your time.
257
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,600
Look. This is the smallest
spear I've ever seen.
258
00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:41,960
You'll never catch a vicious
beast with this child's toy.
259
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:43,000
Look.
Ugh.
260
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:44,280
Did that hurt?
261
00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:46,560
It hurt quite a lot, actually.
No again.
262
00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:49,120
What if I said I could
hurl this tiny spear
263
00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:52,240
a vast distance
and hit a target using this?
264
00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:55,520
Interesting. Let me have a go.
265
00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:56,600
Hmm.
266
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:02,400
Ah, useless!
This will never catch a leopard.
267
00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:04,800
I wouldn't be so sure. Ughhh.
Watch me, sire.
268
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,760
Ooh! Impressive!
269
00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:14,200
So I hold it like this. Right!
270
00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:17,040
Ow! Sire!
271
00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:19,120
I would have hit that target
if he didn't get in the way.
272
00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:22,320
Let me have another go.
Ah, I think I'll stand over here.
273
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:27,000
OK. This is the one. Fire!
274
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,640
Ooh!
Ahhh! Ohhh!
275
00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:31,720
It's broken.
Ah!
276
00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:33,280
Try again
but round the other way.
277
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:34,400
The other way.
Oh-oh-oh!
278
00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:37,720
Run away, run away!
Alright.
279
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,320
(SCREAMS)
280
00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:42,080
Oh.
Where is it?
281
00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:43,960
Ah-uh-uh. It's here.
282
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:47,080
I mean, the bow round the other way.
Yes.
283
00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:50,040
Oh-oh-no-no-no!
I'm getting out of here!
284
00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:51,080
Oh.
285
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:52,120
(SCREAMS)
286
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:53,280
Why?!
287
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:56,400
Look, it's bound to take a bit
of getting used to.
288
00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:57,440
A bit!
289
00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:00,320
I'm pretty sure I'm getting
the hang of it now.
290
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:02,280
Please, please, please,
please, please, please.
291
00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:04,560
You did it!
292
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,000
Ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ha!
293
00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:07,480
Ha-ha-ha!
294
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:11,680
Amazing. You have invented a tool
that can fire small spears.
295
00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:14,360
I call it a bow and arrow.
296
00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:16,760
The bow and arrow.
297
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:19,440
Actually, the other way.
But it doesn't matter.
298
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:20,720
Ahhh!
299
00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:23,440
# Loo Man, Loo Man
300
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:25,200
# The living toilet poo man
301
00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:28,000
# From the Middle Ages with a bucket
so that you can
302
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:30,720
# Have a poo in a private place
303
00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:33,840
# Sitting on my bucket
with a cape to hide your face
304
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:36,960
# And bum, and when you're done
305
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:39,640
# I will charge depending
if you did a two or one. #
306
00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:46,200
Nein, nein, nein!
307
00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:47,520
Oh.
Oh!
308
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:49,000
Greetings, friend.
309
00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:51,680
Who are you
and what are you doing on my U-boat?
310
00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:54,360
I am Loo Man, the living lavatory.
311
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:58,920
And you look like a man who needs
a little U-boat's captain's room.
312
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:00,080
Yes, I do.
313
00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:03,840
Well, then I would like to apply
for the jobbies.
314
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:06,880
We have a toilet.
I'm meeting the engineers right now.
315
00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:08,040
Engineer?
Yeah.
316
00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:10,240
Flushing the boat toilet
is very complex
317
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:13,440
and only a specially
trained person can do it.
318
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:15,160
I'm intrigued.
319
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:18,640
It is ready for you, Captain.
Oh! Thank goodness.
320
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:23,760
Oh! Torpedoes awayyyy!
321
00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:24,880
(FARTS)
Oh, there we go.
322
00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:25,920
Oh! (FARTS)
323
00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:27,400
Tell me, mein Freund,
324
00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:29,680
do you call them the captain's logs?
325
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:31,000
(GROANS) Oh, this is the best!
326
00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:34,320
Sorry, Loo Man. A pleasure
to meet a fellow poo-fessional.
327
00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:35,360
Oh!
328
00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:38,480
Feel better?
Oh, yes. Thank you.
329
00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:41,000
Uh, I'd give it funf if I were you.
330
00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:43,920
You may flush when ready, engineer.
331
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:45,240
Aye, aye, Captain.
332
00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:48,640
Alright.
Right.
333
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:49,840
Hello. Goodness.
334
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:51,680
Yeah. My set-up's a lot simpler
than yours.
335
00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:53,520
If you want me
to take you through it?
336
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,960
Nein, danke.
Please do not disturb me.
337
00:14:56,000 --> 00:15:00,160
I must turn these levers and valves
in exactly the right order.
338
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:04,040
Otherwise, the sea water will flood
into the vessel.
339
00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:05,200
OK, cool.
340
00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:08,640
Out of interest,
341
00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:11,960
how many buckets' worth of
bum bratwurst does this baby store?
342
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:14,800
Well, actually,
the sub does not store its poop.
343
00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:19,440
Instead, we fire turdpedos into
the ocean with compressed air.
344
00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:20,600
Love it!
345
00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:22,440
(BUZZING)
346
00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:24,600
Hello! What's happened?
Has he done a floater?
347
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:25,880
(BUZZING CONTINUES)
348
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,840
Oh, no.
I've inputted the wrong sequence.
349
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:31,240
The toilet is filling up with
seawater and the captain's logs!
350
00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:33,200
Oh, you do call them
the captain's logs, then?
351
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,880
Captain, the toilet switch just
leaked into the ship's batteries,
352
00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:38,040
and the sub is filling
with poisonous gas!
353
00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:39,960
We must surface
and abandon ship.
354
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:41,040
(BEEPING)
Oh, dear.
355
00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:42,840
Abandon ship! Code Brown!
356
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:45,280
Abandon ship. Abandon ship!
357
00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:47,240
(EXPLOSION)
358
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:49,040
Should have used the bucket.
359
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:54,200
Well, Dr Skinner,
360
00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:55,960
we're hoping
you've come up with something
361
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:57,520
that will help us
to defeat the Nazis.
362
00:15:57,560 --> 00:15:59,680
Gentlemen, I believe I have.
363
00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:02,640
A massive advance
in missile accuracy.
364
00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:04,960
Piloted missiles.
365
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:07,440
Piloted?
But who would be stupid enough
366
00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:09,560
to pilot a missile
that was gonna explode?
367
00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:13,160
Gentlemen, meet your new pilot.
368
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:16,680
(COOS)
369
00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:24,120
You want a pigeon to fly the bomb?
Of course not.
370
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:25,720
(ALL CHUCKLE)
371
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:29,080
I want three pigeons
to fly the bomb. Gentlemen...
372
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:31,640
Each pigeon
harnessed inside the missile
373
00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:35,000
has been trained to peck
at the target when they see it.
374
00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:38,400
This pecking transmits a signal
via the bird's beak,
375
00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:43,160
which controls the bomb's tail fins
and directs it towards the target.
376
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:44,240
(HIGH-PITCHED) Oh, nein!
377
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:46,960
You've destroyed my Nazi battleship!
378
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:49,000
Who'd have suspected a pigeon?
379
00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:52,400
Oh, somebody give Skinner
a promotion!
380
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:53,720
Are we being pranked?
381
00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:57,040
Do you want us to entrust the war
to...to birds?
382
00:16:57,080 --> 00:16:59,400
These are no ordinary birds, sir.
383
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:03,120
My pigeons are graduates of
the Skinner School of Aviation.
384
00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:05,600
You created a flying school
for pigeons?
385
00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:08,120
Well, they're not going
to train themselves, are they?
386
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:09,560
Who is this guy? (LAUGHS)
387
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:11,320
Let me show you something.
388
00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:12,920
(GUNSHOTS)
389
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:14,680
Whoa! What are you doing?!
390
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:15,760
A demonstration, sir.
391
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:19,880
Each pigeon has been trained
to ignore the distractions of war.
392
00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:21,720
Huh?
Ah! My eyes!
393
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:24,400
My eyes!
394
00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:26,200
See? It didn't even flinch.
395
00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:28,960
Thank you, Dr Skinner.
We have heard enough.
396
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:32,040
I'm sorry to disappoint you,
but it's a terrible idea.
397
00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:34,600
I'm sure implementing
your pigeon plan
398
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:36,840
would have been a real coup.
399
00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:38,760
And I don't want you to get
in a flap,
400
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:44,760
but it's time for you
and your pigeons to take off.
401
00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:46,760
Hey, where did that pigeon go?
402
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:48,200
(FARTING SOUND)
403
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:52,560
I told you they were trained
to hit enemy targets.
404
00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:57,600
Being in a battle is exhausting.
405
00:17:57,640 --> 00:18:01,080
Thankfully, Mummus has bought me
a cheese sandwich to keep me going.
406
00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:03,680
But I think she might be
supplying the enemy too.
407
00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:05,800
Girls! Sandwiches are ready!
408
00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:08,080
Pick a side, Mummus!
409
00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:09,360
I shouldn't be surprised, though.
410
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:12,560
Mums have been helping their children
in battle throughout history.
411
00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:16,720
Although I'm glad my mum
isn't a Spartan one.
412
00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:20,120
VOICEOVER: Spartan soldiers are some
of the toughest in the world.
413
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:21,520
Heee-yaa!
414
00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:22,960
The only thing tougher than them...
415
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:24,040
Come on, you maggots!
416
00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:26,120
..are their mums.
417
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:27,720
Get up! Sit up!
418
00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:28,960
This is:
419
00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:33,400
Come on!
420
00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:35,880
Tell me something.
421
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:37,920
Do you want to be
in the Spartan army?
422
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:39,240
BOTH: Yes, Mummy!
Yes, Mummy.
423
00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:40,400
What did you say?!
424
00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:41,400
ALL: Yes, Mummy!
425
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:43,640
Drop down and give me 300.
(WHIMPERS)
426
00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:46,840
They're good boys,
but they need to grow a spine.
427
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:48,240
I mean, they're Spartans.
428
00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:50,280
They need to learn to be as tough
as their mothers.
429
00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:51,360
And believe me,
430
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:54,720
we need to be tough
to raise sons as tough as Spartans.
431
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:57,040
Can I get up now?
Did I say you could speak?
432
00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:58,280
Sorry, Mummy.
433
00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:01,680
I'm meant to send you
pathetic babies out to fight for us.
434
00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:03,280
Do you want to go to battle?
435
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:05,640
Or will you come running home
to your mummy?
436
00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:07,160
No, Mummy!
No, Mummy!
437
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:08,520
A coward!
438
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:11,840
I should have left you outside on
the hill like your other brother.
439
00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:15,000
What other brother?
Exactly.
440
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:17,360
What Mummy wants, Mummy gets.
441
00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:19,760
Or you die.
442
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:23,040
Attention!
Let me look at you.
443
00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:25,280
Oh, you don't want us
to get naked again, do you?
444
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:27,960
That is the best way
to assess your physical fitness.
445
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:32,280
But no, not this time.
Oh, that's a shame.
446
00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:33,600
I've been working on my abs.
447
00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:35,320
Ow.
448
00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:36,360
Really hurt.
449
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:37,400
Shields!
450
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:38,600
Eugh!
451
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:43,400
These are your shields.
You carry them into battle.
452
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:46,800
You return with them or on them.
Oh, like a sledge?
453
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:50,360
No, like a stretcher. Dead, dummy!
454
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,080
Shame about the sledge.
455
00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:53,200
That sounded fun.
456
00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:54,480
Oh!
Ow!
457
00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:58,000
Um. Oh. I weed, I weed.
I'm sorry, Mummy.
458
00:19:58,040 --> 00:19:59,040
Nope. Can't do this.
459
00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:03,000
You are a disgrace!
460
00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:06,360
VOICEOVER: The three gruelling weeks
are over,
461
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,480
and this is the end...
462
00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:11,000
..of the beginning
of their training,
463
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:13,720
which will last
for many years to come.
464
00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:15,680
Ahhh! I want my mummy!
465
00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:17,080
Archidamus!
466
00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:19,000
I know. Drop and give you 300.
467
00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:21,320
One.
Ugh.
468
00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:22,240
Two.
Ugh.
469
00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:24,000
Two and a half.
Oh! It hurts, Mummy!
470
00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:25,520
I'm not even counting that one.
471
00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:29,560
Dearest Edward.
Mummy here.
472
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:32,400
I do hope this letter
finds you well,
473
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,800
despite this silly civil war.
474
00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:35,840
(GUNSHOT)
475
00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:38,080
Not much to report from here
at home,
476
00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:41,000
apart from missing you and Daddy,
of course.
477
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:42,440
I do feel so safe
478
00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:45,200
with our own soldiers
here to protect us.
479
00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:46,480
(GUNSHOTS)
Lady Holly!
480
00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:48,320
Siege! Siege!
We're under attack!
481
00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:52,160
To your positions, men!
We will not let our home fall.
482
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:55,000
Defend her at all costs!
483
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:58,040
I do hope you are looking
after Daddy.
484
00:20:58,080 --> 00:20:59,960
I'm so proud of you both
485
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:05,600
for defending our Puritan
values against the Royalist scum!
486
00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:08,000
As some mean people
like to call them.
487
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:10,040
(BELL RINGS, GUNSHOTS FIRE)
The bells! The bells!
488
00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:12,720
They're taking our bells!
Not on my watch!
489
00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:14,360
Hit them with
everything we've got!
490
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:20,680
MAN: Oh! I've been hit!
491
00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:21,720
Oh, cake!
492
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:30,280
I was going to send you a cake
to make you think of home...
493
00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:31,560
(GLASS SMASHES)
..but...
494
00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:32,680
(GUNSHOTS, DRAMATIC MUSIC)
495
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:40,440
Eat musket balls, losers!
(GUNSHOT)
496
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:42,520
MAN: Arggh! I preferred the cake!
497
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:46,800
I seem to have run out of cake.
498
00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:50,000
Love and snuggles, Mummy.
499
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:51,200
(GUNSHOTS)
500
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,840
We did it! We did it!
They're retreating.
501
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:55,680
Who's the mummy?!
502
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:57,400
It's me. It's me.
503
00:21:57,440 --> 00:22:01,560
Right. Be a love and sneak this
past the enemy, would you?
504
00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:02,920
Move, move, move!
505
00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:08,720
I don't know how long
we can keep this battle going.
506
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:09,840
I'm exhausted!
507
00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:12,120
Also, we're running out of pillows.
508
00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:14,120
We've only got three left.
509
00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:15,360
Agh!
510
00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:17,240
We've only got two left.
511
00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:20,880
Luckily, people in history have
had all sorts of inventive ways
512
00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:23,240
to stop war and find peace.
513
00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:27,720
And one of the more surprising ways
is...marriage.
514
00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:28,760
Ooh!
515
00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:30,520
That one was my favourite!
516
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:37,600
They say there is a wafer thin line
between love and hate.
517
00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:38,920
So is it any wonder
518
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:42,240
that when two warring rivals
look for peace,
519
00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:44,800
it is l'amour that shows the way?
520
00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:49,400
VOICEOVER: Pharaoh Ramesses II
is looking for love...
521
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:50,520
..or an end to war.
522
00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:51,960
One of the two.
523
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:53,320
I hope I like her.
524
00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:55,120
Ha! I hope my wives like her
as well.
525
00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:58,000
Huh. Hey, do people normally
bring their wives on dates?
526
00:22:58,040 --> 00:22:59,640
Serious question.
527
00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:01,560
You don't mind, do you?
528
00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:03,760
Yeah. She don't mind. OK!
529
00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:09,760
His date is the eldest daughter
of the King of the Hittites.
530
00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:12,240
You must be Ramesses II.
My name is...
531
00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:15,400
I don't care what your name is.
I'm gonna call you Maathornefrure.
532
00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:19,800
It means "She who beholds the falcon
533
00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:23,120
that is the visible splendour
of Ra."
534
00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:25,000
Yeah, Ra! I'm wicked with names,
innit?
535
00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:27,000
Is he allowed to do that?
536
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:28,080
I mean, I know he's a pharaoh,
537
00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:29,840
and I've heard he can do
whatever he likes,
538
00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:32,000
but is he literally allowed
to change my name?
539
00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:33,560
Things are off to a bad start
540
00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:36,400
because while Ramesses
is Pharaoh of the Upper Nile,
541
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:40,200
he's on this occasion
also King of the Utter Vile.
542
00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:42,080
You need some oil, babes?
No, thanks, babe.
543
00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:43,800
Oh, apologies. My bad.
544
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:46,080
You need some oil, babes! Huh?
545
00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:47,720
Huh? What... No!
Hm!
546
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:50,080
Stop! What are you doing?!
547
00:23:50,120 --> 00:23:52,280
The oil was there
to banish the netherworld
548
00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:53,560
and keep you safe from evil.
549
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:54,520
You're welcome.
550
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:57,320
I know that ditching this date could
restart a war between our kingdoms,
551
00:23:57,360 --> 00:23:59,720
but right now, that seems
like a price worth paying.
552
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:00,800
Hey, hey, look, look.
553
00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:05,440
We both know that our marriage
is just there to keep the peace.
554
00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:08,760
But look, let's just put
all of that aside. Yeah?
555
00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:12,960
Let's just talk about
our hopes and our dreams.
556
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:17,040
I'd like that.
So how much am I getting? Huh?
557
00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:18,960
Think of world peace.
Think of world peace.
558
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:20,320
It's called a dowry.
559
00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:22,560
Her dad has to give me a load
of stuff when I marry her.
560
00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:24,840
It's a standard thing
at regular weddings,
561
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:27,280
let alone ones being arranged
to end a war.
562
00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:30,240
Ain't that right?
I got bear coins off of these lot.
563
00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:31,400
So I get the gold, yeah?
564
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:36,760
Silver. The slaves, the horses
and the cows. Is that all?
565
00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:40,080
And me, of course.
Ha-ha! Yeah. Of course.
566
00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:43,080
(LAUGHS) How could I forget that?
That's mad.
567
00:24:43,120 --> 00:24:45,200
I'm gonna put you down
under the horses.
568
00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:47,040
And they say romance is dead.
569
00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:49,160
So do you think you'll
see each other again?
570
00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:52,560
Sure. I mean, we'll have to, innit?
(LAUGHS)
571
00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:54,000
If we don't get married,
572
00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:57,400
then the war between our rival
kingdoms may well start up again.
573
00:24:57,440 --> 00:24:59,840
Pfft. Bro, I ain't got no choice.
574
00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:01,360
The words every bride longs to hear.
575
00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:03,280
Don't worry, babes,
we'll look after you.
576
00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:04,560
There you go.
577
00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:06,240
Wives, let's go.
578
00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:08,120
He needs to learn some manners.
579
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:09,160
Huh?
580
00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:11,040
Ignore him. We do.
581
00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:14,480
Yeah. I'll catch you
back at the palace. Yeah!
582
00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:17,240
You know, I might have to
be back next week
583
00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:19,320
because five wives ain't enough.
You know what I mean?
584
00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:20,920
Ha! You know what I'm saying?
585
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:27,680
The dust has settled
on our final battle.
586
00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:31,320
We all decided to put aside
the pillows of war
587
00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:33,400
and lead a peaceful life.
588
00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:36,280
Because Dad has said if we didn't,
he'd sell the telly.
589
00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:39,960
Yes. War is never the answer,
unless the question is
590
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:43,680
"Three letter word beginning with W.
English Civil WHAT?"
591
00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:45,920
Of course,
in the English Civil War,
592
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:48,920
Oliver Cromwell's motto
was "peace through war".
593
00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:52,680
But my dad says that's nonsense.
And he might be right.
594
00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:56,720
Things didn't work out so well
for Cromwell. Mm-mm-mm.
595
00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:58,400
# Civil war
596
00:25:58,440 --> 00:25:59,640
# Huh!
597
00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:02,160
# What was it good for?
598
00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:04,040
# Monarchy abolished!
599
00:26:05,200 --> 00:26:06,760
# Civil war
600
00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:08,040
# Huh!
601
00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:10,720
# What was it good for?
602
00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:12,680
# Royalty demolished
603
00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:15,920
# Once we won
and Charles lost his head
604
00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:18,080
# We became a Commonwealth instead
605
00:26:18,120 --> 00:26:20,400
# My New Model Army
fought for the cause
606
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:22,840
# I crushed rebellion
and repealed laws
607
00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:24,800
# Dissolved parliament
Became Lord Protector
608
00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:27,080
# Like a king
but without the crown and sceptre
609
00:26:27,080 --> 00:26:29,280
# Protectorate
was now what we were called
610
00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:31,720
# With a jolly little motto -
peace through war
611
00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:34,440
# Civil war
# Huh!
612
00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:37,080
# What was it good for?
613
00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:38,920
# Monarchy disbanded
614
00:26:40,120 --> 00:26:42,680
# Civil war
# Huh!
615
00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:45,600
# What was it good for?
616
00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:48,840
# My power expanded
617
00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:50,480
# Cut England and Wales
into 12 little bits
618
00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:53,280
# It didn't work out
Had to call that quits
619
00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:55,160
# Thought making me king
would be the solution
620
00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:57,800
# But I stayed Lord Protector
with a new constitution
621
00:26:57,840 --> 00:26:59,680
# Didn't last long,
death was my fate
622
00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:01,800
# So, son and heir
stepping up to the plate.
623
00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:03,160
# It was a tough act to follow
624
00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:04,320
# The great dictator
625
00:27:04,360 --> 00:27:06,640
# The army forced me out
a year later
626
00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:07,680
# Civil war
627
00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:11,960
# Huh!
# What was it good for?
628
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:13,760
# Monarchy diminished
629
00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:18,040
# Civil War
# Huh!
630
00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:20,520
# What was it good for?
631
00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:22,280
I thought we were finished.
632
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:28,000
# But all the while
I'd been in exile
633
00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:32,120
# Banished from my home nation
634
00:27:32,160 --> 00:27:36,160
# Then I got the call
They'd had enough of war
635
00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:40,880
# And so began the restoration
636
00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:43,640
# I pardoned crimes
from Civil War times
637
00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:45,360
# I'm back
What's not to like?
638
00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:46,960
# Well, they dug me up
639
00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:48,000
# Cut me up
640
00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:50,280
# And put my head
on a spike
641
00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:51,400
# Civil war
642
00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:53,640
# Huh!
643
00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:55,680
# Who was it good for?
644
00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:57,680
# Don't get me started
645
00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:01,920
# Civil war
# Huh!
646
00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:04,440
# Who was it good for? #
647
00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:05,800
Right. Now, where's the party?
648
00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:06,960
Captions by Red Bee Media
649
00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:08,720
Copyright Australian Broadcasting
Corporation.48132
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof