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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,680 SONG: # Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians 2 00:00:02,680 --> 00:00:04,000 # Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians 3 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:05,240 # Woeful wars, ferocious fights 4 00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:07,000 # Dingy castles, daring knights 5 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:08,160 # Horrors that defy description 6 00:00:08,160 --> 00:00:09,440 # Cutthroat Celts, awful Egyptians 7 00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:10,800 # Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes 8 00:00:10,800 --> 00:00:12,200 # Punishment from ancient times 9 00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:13,400 # Romans - rotten, rank and ruthless 10 00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:14,760 # Cavemen - savage, fierce and toothless 11 00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:16,240 # Groovy Greeks, brainy sages 12 00:00:16,240 --> 00:00:17,560 # Mean and measly Middle Ages 13 00:00:17,560 --> 00:00:20,280 # Gory stories, we do that 14 00:00:20,280 --> 00:00:22,920 # And your host, a talking rat 15 00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:25,960 # The past is no longer a mystery 16 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:27,200 # Welcome to 17 00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:31,880 # Horrible Histories. # 18 00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:34,160 VOICEOVER: Horrible Histories presents: 19 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:40,280 Romans! 20 00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,720 Have you heard about our new Roman laws? 21 00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:44,400 Have you heard about knocking before you come in? 22 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:46,920 That's right - us Romans have finally taken 23 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:49,360 our traditions and unspoken rules 24 00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:51,920 and written them down, making laws. 25 00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:53,920 Is there one about knocking before you come in? 26 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:55,040 Shh, you! 27 00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:57,320 Welcome to the all-new 12 Tables, 28 00:00:57,320 --> 00:01:01,080 the foundations of Roman law, that you have to live by. 29 00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:02,200 Building a road? 30 00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:05,800 Our new laws state that each road should be at least eight feet wide. 31 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:06,800 How wide is yours? 32 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:08,520 Seven feet. Start again. 33 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:09,920 You can't make me do that! 34 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:11,280 I've already done 35 miles! 35 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:13,440 Sorry. That's the law. 36 00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:14,880 Ah! 37 00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:16,640 Selling your child into slavery? 38 00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:18,800 There are rules against that. Yes! 39 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:19,960 Oh, great. Come on! 40 00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:21,520 You're only allowed to do that THREE times. 41 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:23,760 Aha! Aha! Off you go, then. 42 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:24,760 Come back soon, yeah? 43 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:26,320 So we can sell you again. 44 00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:27,600 (BOTH LAUGH) 45 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:29,520 (SCATS) 46 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:35,680 Evil singing? Ha! (BUZZER) 47 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:37,880 There's the death penalty for that. 48 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:39,400 Stop hitting me. 49 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:40,520 (BELL TOLLS) (SOBS) 50 00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:43,040 There are even laws dedicated to women. 51 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:45,440 Do you mind? This is a funeral! 52 00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:47,120 And you're crying excessively. (BELL TOLLS) 53 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:48,560 That's against the rules at a funeral. 54 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:49,880 (BUZZER) (SOBS) 55 00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:51,320 What about him? 56 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:54,080 There are no rules about men crying at funerals. 57 00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:55,640 Are you OK, hon? 58 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:57,080 Who wrote these laws? 59 00:01:57,080 --> 00:01:58,720 Men. Of course. 60 00:01:58,720 --> 00:01:59,720 (BELL TOLLS) 61 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:02,800 So, if you want to be as happy as these two, 62 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:04,440 get the 12 Tables. 63 00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:05,840 Why would we need 12 tables?! 64 00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:07,560 We've already got one! (LAUGHS) 65 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:09,600 Not THAT kind of table, silly. 66 00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:10,600 (SNAPS FINGERS) 67 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:12,080 (CLANGING) Yes. 68 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:15,440 Find out about the 12 Tables of Roman Law. 69 00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:18,600 These laws are so good that some of them will still be around 70 00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:20,880 in over 2,000 years. 71 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:23,240 Is there anything about hitting an annoying salesman over the head 72 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:24,680 with a big lump of bronze? 73 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:26,440 Well, not exactly. 74 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:27,800 Right. 75 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:29,200 Oh! 76 00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:31,640 The 12 Tables of Roman Law. 77 00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:34,160 A law for every occasion, almost. 78 00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:35,720 (GROANS) That's MY line. 79 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:37,600 Shh, you! (GROANS) 80 00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:40,920 Yep - throughout history, 81 00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:44,240 there've been some very strange and unfair rules. 82 00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:48,640 "Don't fish in the sewer. Don't lick your feet when you're eating." 83 00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:49,920 Honestly, a lot of the time, 84 00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:52,560 it's like people are making it up as they go along. 85 00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:53,840 Take William the Conqueror. 86 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,880 He became king of England in 1066 87 00:02:56,880 --> 00:03:01,360 and decided to change some laws to make them less harsh. 88 00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:06,440 To be honest, I think some people wished he hadn't bothered. Ooh! 89 00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:08,120 You killed my cousin! 90 00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:10,920 Therefore, your life be forfeit. 91 00:03:10,920 --> 00:03:12,440 Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys! 92 00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:14,360 You don't need to swing axe. 93 00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:18,200 You need to chillax. Am I right? Huh? 94 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:19,640 I'm King William, yeah? 95 00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:21,920 Winner of the Battle of Hastings. 96 00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:25,280 And as the new King, I get to make the laws now. 97 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:27,840 You feel me? He's a murderer, though. 98 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:30,880 And would more killing really be the answer? 99 00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:33,240 Do we have to be those guys? 100 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:36,320 Wouldn't it be better if we could find another way? 101 00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:37,560 It would. It definitely would. 102 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:39,440 Oh, yeah. Big surprise you're saying that. 103 00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:41,360 This guy, he messed up big-time. 104 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:43,560 But are any of us perfect? 105 00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:45,240 It's not really the point. He murdered... 106 00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:47,520 OK. I feel a new law coming on. 107 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:50,160 As the first Norman king of England, 108 00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:53,040 I proclaim the end 109 00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:54,520 of the death penalty. 110 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:56,240 (LAUGHS) Yeah, boy! 111 00:03:56,240 --> 00:04:00,040 We will find better ways of living our lives. 112 00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:01,400 Right. Thank you, everybody. 113 00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:03,320 It has been intense, but, uh... (CLICKS) 114 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:04,320 Whoa! 115 00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:05,560 Where are you going? 116 00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:06,800 I thought we were done. 117 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:09,560 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not letting you go. 118 00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:10,560 No way. 119 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:11,840 I'm going to... 120 00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:15,120 ..poke out his eyes and chop off his dangly bits. 121 00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:18,800 "Eyes and dangly bits". 122 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:19,880 Whoa! 123 00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:21,120 Bit extreme. 124 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:22,400 He'll...he'll die anyway, won't he? 125 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,920 Possibly. I mean, it'll definitely be slow and painful. 126 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:27,720 If that's the case, I might just go back to the straight execution. 127 00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:30,120 He's comfortable with that. I'm...I'm fine with that. 128 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:31,920 Ah! No executions. 129 00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:33,760 We are not monsters. 130 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:35,880 EXECUTIONER: OK. Start with the eyes. 131 00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:37,000 I can't do this. 132 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:38,840 I just feel uncomfortable. I'm sorry. 133 00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:42,880 Whoa! You know, I'm so touched you felt you could say that. 134 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:44,680 You know, not enough people say no to the King. 135 00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:46,560 Never. Never do, no. No. No. 136 00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:48,080 I think we were all getting a bit hot-headed, 137 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:50,240 you know when men get in a group and we just kind of go a bit crazy. 138 00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:52,240 (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Yeah. 139 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:54,960 Unfortunately, I am going to have to find you guilty 140 00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:57,160 of disagreeing with the King. 141 00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:58,520 So...punishments... 142 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:00,240 ..maybe I chop off his hands. 143 00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:04,600 "Chop off his hands for disagreeing with the King". 144 00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:06,680 Sire, you can't chop off my hands! I'm a... 145 00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:08,440 Uh-oh! More disagreement. 146 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:09,560 Better lose the feet too. 147 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:10,840 You can't do this. Look, look. 148 00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:13,000 I'd...I'd stop arguing at this point. 149 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:14,240 And his nose. 150 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:16,480 Why?! Nose. Good shout. Yeah. 151 00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:17,920 At least you get to keep your dangly bits. 152 00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:23,240 OK, guys. We all good? Isn't this a much nicer way of doing things? 153 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:24,960 Absolutely not. In my case, I wasn't even... 154 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,400 Seriously, people are going to love my new laws, huh? 155 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:29,400 So much more civilised. 156 00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:30,400 Great chat! 157 00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:34,480 Right. Hands up who was the eyes and dangly bits. 158 00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:35,520 Oh. 159 00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:37,120 Chop chop! (LAUGHS) 160 00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:39,600 (FANFARE PLAYS) 161 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:40,600 (AXE STRIKES) 162 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:42,360 Henry VIII in the house! 163 00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:44,960 Now, I love coming up with new rules, 164 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:48,560 but did you know I once had the law changed because of soup? 165 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:50,200 (SNIFFS) Mmm, soup. 166 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:52,520 It's nutrish and delish. 167 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:56,600 Now, in 1531, the Bishop of Rochester's cook, Richard Roose, 168 00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:59,520 said that, as a joke, he'd put something in the bish's soup 169 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:01,360 which would make anyone who ate it poo a lot. 170 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:02,560 (FLATULENCE) Hilarious! 171 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:06,440 Unfortunately, 17 people were taken ill and one woman actually died. 172 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:08,920 Turns out he'd poisoned them by mistake. 173 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:12,800 So, after this, I had the law changed to classify poisoning as treason 174 00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:14,280 and punishable by death. 175 00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:16,920 But how did I decide the poisoner should die? 176 00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:17,960 Was it: 177 00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:22,440 (FLATULENCE) 178 00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:23,800 (BUBBLING) 179 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:27,520 (AXE STRIKES) (SQUELCH) 180 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:30,720 The answer is B - boil them alive - and that's what happened to Roose, 181 00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:33,720 all because he tried to make poo soup as a prank. 182 00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:36,360 (FLATULENCE) Who's that? 183 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:37,360 Probably the dog. 184 00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:38,360 (DOG WHINES) (FLATULENCE) 185 00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:40,160 Laters, rule-breakers! 186 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:44,480 (LAUGHS) Well, we've seen some rule-MAKERS, 187 00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:47,480 so, what about rule-BREAKERS? 188 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:51,720 When YOU break the rules at home, you might get sent to your room 189 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:55,960 or banned from chewing the cereal boxes and weeing in the cupboard. 190 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:58,280 Oh. Uh, pro...probably a rat thing, the last one. 191 00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:02,160 Anyway, it can seem really unfair, but trust me, 192 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:07,000 things were worse and much stranger in the past. 193 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,840 Peter of Privy Lane. 194 00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:12,080 You stand accused of theft. 195 00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:13,480 How do you wish to be judged? 196 00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:14,480 I choose... 197 00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:16,520 ..trial by combat, my lady. 198 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:19,160 Let my accuser and I fight to the death! 199 00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:20,160 (BLADES RING) 200 00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:21,400 And by the blood on my blade, 201 00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:24,160 you shall know that I am innocent. 202 00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:25,160 WOMAN: Very well. 203 00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:26,960 A fight to the death. 204 00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:28,920 Alderman Plank. 205 00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:32,280 You are accused of disloyalty to your lord. 206 00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:33,640 Choose your judgement. 207 00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:35,520 I choose trial by ordeal. 208 00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:38,480 Let a red-hot poker be placed in my hand. 209 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:42,080 God shall heal the festering wound and you shall know I am innocent. 210 00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:44,280 So be it. 211 00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:45,360 Master Carter! 212 00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:49,880 Your crime is poaching, 213 00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:51,040 Make your choice. 214 00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:55,120 I choose trial by cake. 215 00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:56,400 So I'll eat some cake. 216 00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:58,480 If it be God's will, it will go down nice and smooth 217 00:07:58,480 --> 00:07:59,960 and you'll know I'm innocent. 218 00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,680 Master Carter has... 219 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:02,760 Yes? PLANK: Sorry. 220 00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:04,320 I didn't actually know that cake was an option. 221 00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:05,680 Mmm. 222 00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,480 The cake is marked with the name of our Lord. 223 00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:10,600 No guilty man will be able to swallow it. 224 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:12,320 PLANK: Yeah, no, sure, but s...still, you know, 225 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:14,880 burning, festering hand wound... 226 00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:15,880 ..cake. 227 00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:18,560 Yes, yes. I too am interested in the cake option. 228 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:21,760 Trial by combat is a noble path, Peter of Privy Lane. 229 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:24,360 Yet cake is awesome and doesn't cut off my leg. 230 00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:25,960 Very well. Bring out the cake! 231 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:29,840 (DRAMATIC MUSIC) 232 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:34,920 That's not cake. That's a biscuit. WOMAN: I should warn you. 233 00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,760 'Tis very dry cake. 234 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:38,080 Oh, I'll cope. 235 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:39,080 'Tis said... 236 00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:41,840 ..that Earl Godwin of Kent was... 237 00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:44,680 ..tried by cake and choked to death. 238 00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:47,960 Yes, well, my cousin chose trial by combat and got cut in half, so... 239 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:49,560 (BLADE RINGS) There's more! 240 00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:54,680 The cake will be cleansed of evil by a priest and it may have... 241 00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:56,440 ..some cheese on top. 242 00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:58,160 Oh, I love a bit of cheese! 243 00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:00,000 Sheep's cheese! (BLEATING) 244 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:01,440 Hmm, could be worse. Could be blue cheese. 245 00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:02,440 Yeah. Yeuch. 246 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:03,480 PETER: I have decided. 247 00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:05,600 God will prove my innocence 248 00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:07,120 with cheese and biscuits. 249 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:09,320 Lock it in, Lady Gage. Me too. 250 00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:12,480 We only have two portions of cake. 251 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:14,520 Mmm, mmm, mmm! Ooh! 252 00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:16,320 (GROWLS) You snooze, you lose. 253 00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:17,600 (LAUGHS) So, what's it gonna be? 254 00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:19,640 Trial by combat or trial by ordeal? 255 00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:21,120 (PLANK LAUGHS) Fine. 256 00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:23,640 Trial by combat. Final answer. 257 00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:24,760 Thank you. 258 00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:26,480 Although, honestly, 259 00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:30,080 I am surprised none of you chose trial by compurgation. 260 00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:31,280 Trial by what, now? 261 00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:33,240 Where you swear your innocence on holy relics 262 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:37,120 and then when eventually you do die, you let God judge you. 263 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,480 I'll definitely have that one. 264 00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:41,080 Sorry, mate. You said "Final answer." 265 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:43,040 Yeah. Yeah. You did say that. It's true. Yeah, I heard it. 266 00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:44,920 I heard it. Right! Lunch. 267 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:47,040 All this cake's made me hungry. Hm! 268 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:50,600 Hm. 269 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:54,840 Are you a rooster who may be burned at the stake 270 00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:57,480 just for being found sitting on an egg? 271 00:09:57,480 --> 00:09:59,200 Are you a hive of bees 272 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:01,720 facing the law for stinging a man to death? 273 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:04,640 Are you a wolf accused of witchcraft 274 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:06,960 after being seen walking on your hind legs? 275 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:09,560 Were you forced to wear human clothes at your trial? 276 00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:10,560 (GROWLS) 277 00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:13,320 Then call the Animal Law Practice today. 278 00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:14,600 Whether you're a chicken, a wolf, 279 00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:16,800 a pig or even a beetle, 280 00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:19,960 if you've been accused of a crime, I will fight for you. 281 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,960 Unless you're a group of rats facing persecution. 282 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,640 (SQUEAKS) I will NOT fight for YOU. 283 00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:26,720 (SQUEAKS) 284 00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:29,280 Because we've got a specialist in rodent injustice - 285 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:30,920 Bartholemew Chassenee. 286 00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:33,840 I defended some rats after they were accused 287 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:35,840 of destroying the local barley crops. 288 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:37,000 Ah! 289 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:40,040 I argued the rats had a right to attend the trial 290 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:42,320 but that the journey to the courtroom 291 00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:47,000 was too perilous due to the numbers of their deadliest enemies - cats - 292 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:48,680 lying in wait along the way. 293 00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:49,880 (CAT SCREECHES) 294 00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:51,520 We don't care how hairy you are. 295 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:53,120 We don't care how many legs you've got. 296 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:56,280 We don't even care if you're guilty. Uh-uh. 297 00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:57,720 Call Animal Lawyers today. 298 00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:59,440 BOTH: We will fight for you! 299 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:00,840 (SQUEAKS) 300 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:02,880 Be careful, men. 301 00:11:02,880 --> 00:11:07,560 During these times of civil war, the roads could be a haven for criminals. 302 00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:10,200 Frankly, we've got a lot of stuff that they might be interested in. 303 00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,640 Ah! You mean all the gold in our chest? 304 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:15,680 I was trying not to draw attention to that! Whoa! 305 00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:18,200 (STRUMS) It's a woman! 306 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:19,240 In breeches! 307 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:21,560 Playing the lute! 308 00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:22,680 Ahoy! 309 00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:24,520 The name's Moll Cutpurse. 310 00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:27,640 Moll Cutpurse! You used to rob people all up and down the country! 311 00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:29,520 You're well famous! 312 00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:31,600 MOLL: I am. 313 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,400 And I've got the scars to prove it. 314 00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:35,160 By which I mean they caught me and scarred me hands 315 00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:38,480 to mark me as a thief and teach me the error of me ways. 316 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:39,920 Cool! It's not cool! 317 00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:42,040 It's punishment for breaking our rules. 318 00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:43,880 Pray it may have worked. 319 00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:45,600 Don't look like it. Yeah, eh? 320 00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:46,880 (RIPPING) Hey! 321 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:48,160 (LAUGHS) Me money! 322 00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:49,200 Ah! Me trousers! 323 00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:52,120 (LAUGHS) Oh! You're brilliant. 324 00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:55,920 And yet she's still just a petty thief, pickpocketing strangers. 325 00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:57,440 How dare ya? 326 00:11:57,440 --> 00:11:59,400 I'm in me 60s now, 327 00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:00,880 pursuing me true passions. 328 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:02,440 Oh, what's that, then? Doing stick-ups. 329 00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:05,560 Hand over your loot. And I don't mean this kind. 330 00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:08,280 Never! You may be able to scare the common folk. 331 00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:11,440 But I am a general of the highest authority. 332 00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:12,440 (MAN LAUGHS) 333 00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:15,080 I demand that you follow the rules of society... 334 00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:16,960 Oh! ..and the power of the law... 335 00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:19,520 (LAUGHS) Should have told ya. 336 00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:21,040 I don't care about the rules of society. 337 00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:22,280 She is brilliant. 338 00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:23,840 GENERAL: Are none of you going to help? 339 00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:25,280 MOLL: Come on, lads. Help me out. 340 00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:26,480 Cutpurse away! 341 00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:27,960 (APPLAUSE) GENERAL: Oh, the shame. 342 00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:29,680 My breeches are around me ankles! 343 00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:32,000 Oh! Brilliant. 344 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:33,800 Of course, if you DID break the rules, 345 00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:36,200 it didn't always mean you'd get punished. 346 00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:38,680 In the past, there have been some weird and wonderful ways 347 00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:39,960 of getting away with it, 348 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:42,920 like claiming sanctuary, which meant you couldn't be arrested 349 00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:45,440 as long as you were on church grounds. 350 00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:46,880 (LAUGHS) Sneaky. 351 00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:49,480 Luckily, monks don't commit crimes. 352 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:51,360 Well, apart from Brother Peter. 353 00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:53,840 He stole some grey cloth, and I'm afraid to say, 354 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:55,160 he made a HABIT out of it. 355 00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:58,480 SOUND EFFECT: Wah-wah-wah-wah. (LAUGHS) Oh, that's a monk joke. 356 00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:02,240 Oi! Come back here! 357 00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:03,480 (FUGITIVE LAUGHS) 358 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:04,600 Yes! 359 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,280 Ooh! (LAUGHS) 360 00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:07,960 You can't get me now, Sheriff! 361 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:09,720 You're cornered! Right. 362 00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:12,040 I'm arresting you for... Oi! What are you doing? 363 00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:14,600 I'm claiming church sanctuary. 364 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,560 According to the law, you cannot arrest me 365 00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:19,400 whilst I am inside this church. 366 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:20,440 Well, you're not IN the church. 367 00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:23,240 Yeah, but I'm on church land, and that counts. 368 00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:25,800 So, you know, bad luck. Hm. 369 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:27,160 You can get me now, though. Ugh! 370 00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:28,520 No, you can't! 371 00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:29,760 You can get me now, though. 372 00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:32,080 You can't get me. I'll just wait right here. 373 00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:35,520 But eventually, you're gonna have to come out, and when you do, 374 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:37,200 I'm gonna arrest ya. 375 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,080 Oh, well, I wouldn't count on it. 376 00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:41,720 Law says I have 40 days to decide what I want to do. 377 00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:46,160 (LAUGHS) And what's a criminal like you gonna do in a church, eh? 378 00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:47,640 Loads, actually. 379 00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:50,800 Join the choir. Meditate. Nice. 380 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:53,760 Squat at a pot. 381 00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:54,920 No, it's called gardening. 382 00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:56,240 Anyway. Who said I DID anything? 383 00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,120 Oh, come off it! 384 00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:00,600 Nobody claims church sanctuary if they're innocent. 385 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:02,400 Yeah, fair enough. I did it. I knew it! 386 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:05,280 I stole a pig, and I gave it to my girlfriend for a present. 387 00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:07,720 (SEETHES) I'm a filthy pig rustler! 388 00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:10,640 But the law is the law. 389 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:12,680 So you... 390 00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:13,920 ..can't... 391 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:15,040 ..touch me... 392 00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:16,040 (GRUNTS ANGRILY) 393 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:18,680 Alright, Dave? Are you arresting him? 394 00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:20,840 Trying to, Caroline, 395 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:22,160 but he's claimed sanctuary, hasn't he? 396 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:24,440 Oh. Didn't you hear? What's that? 397 00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:26,760 King Henry changed the laws on that last week. 398 00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:27,800 DAVE: He did? 399 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:30,480 From now on, all criminals are fair game. 400 00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:32,040 Is that right? Getting out of here. 401 00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:34,160 Ooh, ooh! Oh, come on! 402 00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:36,320 Ooh! Would you look at that? 403 00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:38,200 (LAUGHS) I was just having a laugh! 404 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,960 I was joking! Right. You're coming with me! 405 00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:43,920 Pardon me. I couldn't help overhearing, my child. 406 00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:46,840 Did you say that the King has removed the rights of criminals 407 00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:49,040 to take sanctuary on church land? 408 00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:50,320 That's right, Vicar. 409 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:52,480 (RECORD SCRATCHES) Alright, boys, the game's up. 410 00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:54,240 Grab what you can and let's go. 411 00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:55,240 Ooh! VICAR: That's it. 412 00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:56,600 Run, run, run, run! 413 00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:58,640 Oh. You dropped that. Oh, there you go. 414 00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:01,160 Oh, dear, clumsy. 415 00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:05,920 There have certainly been a lot of rule-breakers over the years, 416 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:09,080 and that's why we've needed people to try and stop them. 417 00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:10,480 In the 19th century, 418 00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:15,080 Sir Robert Peel created Britain's first professional police force. 419 00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:18,680 But in those early days, being a 'peeler', as they were called, 420 00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:22,440 wasn't exactly an easy or popular job. 421 00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:23,680 Hm. 422 00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:26,440 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 423 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:27,520 (RECORD SCRATCHES) 424 00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:30,880 Oi! You! Come back here! (BLOWS WHISTLE) 425 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:33,240 MAN: You'll never catch me, copper! 426 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:36,000 # It's a hard cop's life for us 427 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:39,640 # Victorian cop's life for us 428 00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:42,600 # Instead of thankyous, we get hate 429 00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:45,920 # Being a policeman ain't that great 430 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:47,120 # It's a hard cop's life 431 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:49,840 # Used to work on a farm It was really hard labour 432 00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:51,200 # So I moved to the city 433 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,880 # Thought I'd do meself a favour 434 00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:54,360 # I'm over 5'9" 435 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:55,800 # And also not illiterate 436 00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:57,520 # So I joined the police force 437 00:15:57,520 --> 00:15:58,960 # 'Cause I'm the perfect fit for it 438 00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:00,320 # Respect was what I wanted 439 00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:01,680 # Been a criminal myself 440 00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:03,360 # Needed to join the other side 441 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:05,200 # Be a lot better for my health 442 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:06,560 # Thought we'd be sitting pretty 443 00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:08,720 # Uh-huh, uh-huh # But dope it ain't 444 00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:10,360 # It's pretty gritty # Uh-huh 445 00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:13,400 # It's a hard cop's life for us 446 00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:16,440 # Victorian cop's life for us 447 00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:17,720 # Public hates us 448 00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:19,560 # Rubbish pay 449 00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:22,560 # On our feet 12 hours a day 450 00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:23,840 # It's a hard cop's life 451 00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:26,880 # Got no way to supplement my minimum income 452 00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:29,720 # Feel like I'm an idiot being a policeman 453 00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:31,320 # But as part of the reform 454 00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:32,960 # Part of the new norm 455 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:35,840 # At least we get to wear a nice new woollen uniform 456 00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:37,280 # Yeah, but there's a catch 457 00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:38,760 # Uh-huh, uh-huh 458 00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:40,800 # It really makes you scratch 459 00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:43,600 # P to the E 460 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:45,320 # To the E to the L 461 00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:48,280 # The 1829 Metropolitan Police Act 462 00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:49,600 # Sir Robert Peel's responsible 463 00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:51,800 # For our zero-hours contract... # 464 00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:54,360 Out of my way, peelers! 465 00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:55,840 # Go on, then, call us names 466 00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:57,600 # It's not like you can miss us 467 00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:00,680 # In Maidstone, we got to grow compulsory whiskers 468 00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:03,440 # You mean like mine? # Uh-huh, uh-huh 469 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:05,840 # Got to say, that's mighty fine # Uh-huh 470 00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:08,680 # It's a hard cop's life for us 471 00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:11,640 # Victorian cop's life for us 472 00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:14,800 # Have to carry our luncheon 473 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:17,560 # Only perk is this truncheon 474 00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:19,880 # It's a hard cop's life 475 00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:22,640 # It's a hard-knock life 476 00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:26,560 # Yeah, a hard cop's life. # 477 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:28,920 Some rules were a bit odd, 478 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:31,800 like the one that said all mute swans in England 479 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:33,680 belonged to the king or queen. 480 00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:37,320 That particular rule actually ruffled a lot of feathers. 481 00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:40,640 (DRUM AND CYMBAL STING PLAYS) Anyway. That's why I have a goose. 482 00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:43,400 Did you like my 'egg-cellent' joke, Susan? 483 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:46,040 (HONKS) She thinks it honked. 484 00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:47,720 Harsh. Anyway. (HONKS) 485 00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:52,200 That swan rule put one woman in quite a flap. 486 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,760 VOICEOVER: Sorting out the beefs of the past... 487 00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:58,160 Hannibal, you may have taken elephants over the Alps 488 00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,520 when you attacked Rome, 489 00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:01,600 but you may not bring them into my courtroom! 490 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:04,000 (ELEPHANTS TRUMPET) ..with the justice of today. 491 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,600 There's few enough buns to go round as it is! 492 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:07,680 VOICEOVER: Welcome to: 493 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:13,600 Dorset-based landowner Dame Joan Young 494 00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:15,640 has brought Queen Elizabeth I to court 495 00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:18,360 over a disagreement about some valuable property. 496 00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:20,720 I do love cases involving royalty. 497 00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:22,720 Now, what's this about? Crowns? 498 00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:24,560 Sceptres? Swans. 499 00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:25,560 I'm sorry? What, now? 500 00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:28,040 This one's swanning off with my swans! 501 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:32,560 Oh, please! They're my swans, not your swans. 502 00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:34,080 All mute swans are property of the Crown - 503 00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,160 i.e., me, the Queen, queen of the swans. 504 00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:38,360 Oh, swan right off, you swanny-swan! 505 00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:41,920 Everybody stop saying 'swan'. 506 00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,920 Now, Dame Joan, 507 00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:45,720 what is this about? 508 00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:47,840 She's trying to take away my 509 00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:52,520 white feathery, erm, goose-like waterbird... 510 00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:55,600 OK. OK. Look. You can say it just this once. 511 00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:58,080 My swans. (HONKING AND FLAPPING) 512 00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:00,200 And you've brought them with you. Great. 513 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:03,760 Just what I wanted - my courtroom to smell like a birdbath. 514 00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:05,920 My swans used to belong to the Abbey of St Peter, 515 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:09,360 but when King Henry VIII closed the monasteries, 516 00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:12,920 he gave the land, and its swans, to my family. 517 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:16,520 They're royal swans, and they belong to me. 518 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:20,440 Your Honour, my swans are an important part of my estate. 519 00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:23,800 They're beautiful, graceful and delicious. 520 00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:25,640 Yes. Well, I think... 521 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:28,400 Wait a second. Did...did...did you say 'delicious'? 522 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,800 Mmm! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Roast swan? 523 00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:32,800 With yellow pepper sauce? Ooh! 524 00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:34,360 ELIZABETH: Daddy's favourite! Order! 525 00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:36,800 This is Time Beefs, not MasterChef. 526 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:38,800 Well, we could let the swans decide. 527 00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:40,440 Or I could be like a swan and... 528 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:42,400 ..break your arm with a single blow of a wing. 529 00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:44,880 Wah-cha! Ooh, that does it! 530 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:46,960 You shut that beak up or I will! 531 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,720 (BANGS GAVEL) Order, order! We'll have no FOUL play in here! 532 00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:52,080 Get it? 'Fowl', like...birds? 533 00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:54,600 Let the record show I made an excellent joke. 534 00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:56,560 Now, everybody settle down. 535 00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:58,120 I'm ready to give my ruling. 536 00:19:58,120 --> 00:19:59,960 ELIZABETH: Before you do, perhaps I could 537 00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:02,560 offer you a little snackette? (LAUGHS) 538 00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:04,440 It's a swanage roll - 539 00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:06,920 a sausage roll but more feathery. 540 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:10,600 You know, Your Majesty, I don't take kindly to your bribery. 541 00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,520 But, mind you, that does smell like great swan. 542 00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:13,720 That's it. 543 00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:15,280 I rule in favour of the Queen. 544 00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:16,800 All swans belong to her. 545 00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:19,200 Ah! In your face, swan-napper! 546 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:21,880 No! Give me my swans! 547 00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:23,560 (BOTH YELL) 548 00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:25,360 Next case. Get them out. 549 00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:28,520 Uh, the court will now take five minutes recess 550 00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,400 while I eat my swanage roll. 551 00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:34,040 Do we have any cases involving pickle? 552 00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:38,160 (CLANGING) WOMAN: Bang, bang, bang! 553 00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:41,240 Bang, bang, bang, bang... 554 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,560 Can I help you? 555 00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:46,000 No. Bang, bang, bang! 556 00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:47,320 Bang! Bang! What are you doing? 557 00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:51,560 Well, I am banging a gong and shouting. Duh! 558 00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:55,520 Bang, bang, bang, bang... OK. 559 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:57,840 Can you stop? It's very annoying. 560 00:20:57,840 --> 00:20:59,240 Well, I CAN stop. 561 00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:02,160 But I won't, BECAUSE you find it annoying. 562 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:04,360 (CLANGING) Bang, bang... 563 00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:05,800 Why are you doing this?! 564 00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:08,520 Don't you like loud noises? I'm surprised. 565 00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:11,000 You seemed OK with making a racket 566 00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:12,840 outside my house yesterday morning. 567 00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:16,760 OK. I'm sorry. It was our marching band practice. 568 00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:18,640 We got carried away, you know. You're feeling the music. 569 00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:20,960 Hey. Forget it. 570 00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:21,960 I have. Thanks. 571 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:23,640 Bang, bang, bang... (CLANGING) 572 00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:24,960 Are you sure you've forgotten about it? 573 00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:28,240 Because it seems like you absolutely haven't forgotten about it. 574 00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:30,160 Well... What's all this? 575 00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:32,240 It sounds incredibly annoying. 576 00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:34,480 Well, it's meant to be! 577 00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:35,800 Then you're under arrest. 578 00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:37,080 Arrest?! 579 00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:41,880 Being annoying is against chapter 22 of the 1860 Penal Code. 580 00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:43,920 And you just confessed. 581 00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:45,560 (LAUGHS) 582 00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:46,560 Oh! 583 00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:48,280 How you like me now?! 584 00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:50,040 Marching band practice is back on! 585 00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:52,880 (CLANGING) Bang! Bang! Bang, bang! Bang, bang! 586 00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:54,560 You're going to prison, baby. 587 00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:56,280 Eating the prison dal. 588 00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:59,440 Oh! There's barely any spices in there. 589 00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:00,440 Gong, baby. 590 00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:01,440 Gong. 591 00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:02,720 (CLANGING) 592 00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:05,320 (LAUGHS) 593 00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:06,480 (TUTS) 594 00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:08,360 What? That was pretty annoying. 595 00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:09,480 You're also under arrest. 596 00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:10,480 (LAUGHS) 597 00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:12,880 You could both serve up to two years in prison for being annoying. 598 00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:15,600 Hey, come on! Hey, now, YOU'RE being annoying. 599 00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:17,400 Would you like to report a crime? MAN: What? 600 00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:19,640 You said my colleague was being annoying. That's a crime. 601 00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:21,320 I'm arresting you for being annoying 602 00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:23,480 while arresting THEM for being annoying. 603 00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:26,320 Although I imagine that must be pretty annoying, so... 604 00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:28,120 ..feel free to arrest me in return. 605 00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:30,320 Who came up with this law anyway? 606 00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:32,640 The British Raj. BOTH: Oh. 607 00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:35,200 Now, they are annoying. 608 00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:37,080 Tell me more. 609 00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:38,080 Right. So... 610 00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:42,800 Oh, my goodness, guys. We have the most special show for you today. 611 00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:45,480 We are going to be springing a surprise on a servant 612 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:47,400 that has been working very, very hard. 613 00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:50,840 Not at his job. No. He is a terrible servant. 614 00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:52,880 He has been working very hard on his fashion. 615 00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:55,520 Seriously, we could not make this guy look any better, 616 00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:57,080 so let's meet him. 617 00:22:57,080 --> 00:22:59,000 Robert Linton, servant to Queen Elizabeth? 618 00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:02,480 Yes. You look amazeballs. 619 00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:06,160 It should be against the law for a servant to look that good. 620 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:08,840 And guess what. It IS against the law. 621 00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:09,720 What? 622 00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:12,240 You're going to prison for looking so fabuloso! 623 00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:13,920 (SCREAMS) (GATE CLANKS) 624 00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:16,280 (FUNKY MUSIC) 625 00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:27,760 I don't want to go to prison. You're both dressed exactly like me! 626 00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:31,600 Of course. We are courtiers. We are allowed to look this fabulous. 627 00:23:31,600 --> 00:23:34,080 But a lowly servant boy like you 628 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:37,480 needs to look as unimpressive as you actually are. 629 00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:40,120 We are here to keep you out of prison, mate. 630 00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:42,600 Yeah - we're gonna be giving you our first ever make... 631 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:44,000 Under! ..under! 632 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:45,200 Wha-ha-hat?! 633 00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:46,920 (FUNKY MUSIC) 634 00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:49,320 THOMAS: Do you know what? 635 00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:52,320 His big padded fashionable Tudor bottom looks fantastic. 636 00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:54,880 I mean, what have you got stuffed down there? A couple of cushions? 637 00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:57,920 Now, Tudor fashion laws say servants are only allowed 638 00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:00,120 1.6 metres of padding. 639 00:24:00,120 --> 00:24:01,640 Them's the rules! What?! 640 00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:04,880 I'm not allowed to have a metre and a half of padding on my bum? 641 00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:07,280 Oh, no. You're not allowed ANY on your bum. 642 00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:10,040 You're supposed to wear it on your legs, not your backside. 643 00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:13,240 And what do you call this? It is divine. 644 00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:14,720 It's silk! Uh-oh! 645 00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:17,040 Somebody call the fashion police. (SIRENS HOWL) 646 00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:18,080 Whoop-whoop! 647 00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:19,720 It is against the law for anyone lower than a baron 648 00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:22,040 to wear silk or satin in Tudor England. 649 00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:23,040 What?! 650 00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:26,640 So, let's put that flash in the trash! 651 00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:29,600 BOTH: It's time this servant got served. 652 00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:32,840 (FUNKY MUSIC) 653 00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:37,760 EDWARD: Before we met Robert, he was dressed to impress. 654 00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:41,320 THOMAS: But thanks to us, he's gone from fab to drab. 655 00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:43,720 (GASPS) Oh! 656 00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:45,880 Oh! (SIGHS) I look awful. 657 00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:46,920 You are welcome. 658 00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:49,800 You look plain, boring. It is so you. 659 00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:51,720 Just as a servant of your rank SHOULD look. 660 00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:52,720 Yay. 661 00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:55,880 But there's no need to look as miserable as your sad little outfit. 662 00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:58,480 'Cause guess what. You're not going to prison anymore! 663 00:24:58,480 --> 00:24:59,520 (CHEERING) 664 00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:01,760 And we've got another surprise for you. 665 00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:03,720 It's only Queen Elizabeth! (FANFARE PLAYS) 666 00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:04,920 Hello! (LAUGHS) 667 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:07,680 Yes, it's me! Yes, Queen! 668 00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:09,800 Now, the all-important question. 669 00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:11,160 What do you think of our servant? 670 00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:12,680 Him? (LAUGHS) 671 00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:14,240 I barely noticed him when I came in. 672 00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:16,560 Our work here is done. 673 00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:19,440 Now, you, you look amazing! (LAUGHS) 674 00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:21,240 How much padding you got in THOSE trunks? 675 00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:23,200 I'm not wearing any padding. 676 00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:24,240 Ooh. 677 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:27,480 That's all we've got time for for today's make-under. 678 00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:29,680 Until next time! Did you hear what she said? 679 00:25:29,680 --> 00:25:30,680 EDWARD: Yeah. Ah-ah! 680 00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:34,200 Sometimes in history, there have been rules that were so unfair, 681 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:36,280 they needed changing. 682 00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:38,720 And changing those rules meant breaking them. 683 00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:40,080 That's what the suffragettes were doing 684 00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:44,120 when they protested about women not being allowed to vote. 685 00:25:44,120 --> 00:25:47,160 One famous protester was Rosa May Billinghurst. 686 00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:51,840 She didn't let any rules get in the way of fighting for her rights. 687 00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:54,200 (GENTLE MUSIC) (MUFFLED SHOUTING) 688 00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:07,880 # I am not a stranger to prison life 689 00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:10,160 # "Lock her up," they say 690 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:13,520 # "'Cause we don't like your violent ways" 691 00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:18,440 # I am not ashamed of what I have done 692 00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:21,080 # In the name of women's rights 693 00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:23,320 # I'm prepared to get in fights 694 00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:24,320 # And 695 00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:27,080 # I don't care if I have to make a fuss 696 00:26:27,080 --> 00:26:29,440 # Chain myself to Buckingham Palace 697 00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:33,560 # I am rebellious 698 00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:36,960 # When you chuck me out, I'll get back in 699 00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:38,400 # Hey, hey Yay 700 00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:42,200 # You can bang me up but I'll still campaign 701 00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:45,760 # Hey, hey # I'll even hunger-strike 702 00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:47,960 # Wait and see 703 00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:49,880 # Just watch me 704 00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:59,800 # We're trying to change society 705 00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:04,480 # We just want rights 706 00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:09,240 # And to be finally free 707 00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:13,120 # Sometimes it takes a brick 708 00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:17,200 # And a hammer too 709 00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:21,280 # To make your message stick 710 00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:25,080 # You can chain my hands 711 00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:28,560 # But not my heart 712 00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:33,320 # And that will drive me on 713 00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:35,640 # And I'll never give up 714 00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:37,160 # Never, never 715 00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:38,840 # I'll never give up 716 00:27:38,840 --> 00:27:40,120 # Never, never 717 00:27:40,120 --> 00:27:41,640 # Never give up 718 00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:43,720 # Never, never 719 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:49,080 # Till there's equality. # 720 00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:53,080 Sometimes you have to break the rules. 721 00:27:56,760 --> 00:27:59,720 And they belong to me. 722 00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:02,760 Daddy loves a bam. (LAUGHTER) 723 00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:04,360 Sheep's cheeks. 724 00:28:04,360 --> 00:28:06,480 I can't do that one! (LAUGHTER) 725 00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:08,040 Sorry. 726 00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:10,760 SONG: # The past is no longer a mystery 727 00:28:10,760 --> 00:28:12,480 # Hope you enjoyed 728 00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:16,480 # Horrible Histories. # 729 00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:17,920 Captions by Red Bee Media52988

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