All language subtitles for Mock the Week (2005) - S22E05

Read about the things that happen
throughout the world.

Don't believe in everything you see or
hear.

And welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara
O'Brien. Joining us this week are Sarah

Pascoe, Rhys James and Emmanuel Sanubi,
Zoe Lyons, Ed Byrne and Glenn Moore.

We can start tonight with a round called
If This Is The Answer, What Is The

Question? On the board are six
categories. Emmanuel, which category

would you like?

I'm going with home news. Okay, your
topic is home news.

The answer is 379 years. What is the
question?

How old is Morgan Freeman really?

Is it just to be safe, what is the
minimum age on Andrew's dating apps now?

Is it how much older do my testicles
look than the rest of me?

Is it how old would my
great-great-great-grandad be if he

wasn't such a pussy?

I went early with that one. I'm quite
surprised that they liked it.

Is it how long would it take... Pee did
it to run out of baby oil.

Is it, how long would my
great-great-grandad take to run out of

baby oil if he wasn't such a pussy?

Is it, how old would you are Oliver
Cromwell's library books?

Oliver Cromwell, that'll work.

Is it, when does a vampire start
puberty?

Is it, how old are my oldest knickers?

Is it, how much history has happened in
the past week?

Is it, how long will it be before
America can look back on this period and

laugh?

How long would the Hundred Years' War
take now that everyone's got ADHD?

How long have I been learning to speak
Klingon?

Do you frequently do rural bus services,
Ron?

Is it? What does a parent say?

I've got my finger on the hot topics of
the week.

Is it, if I do my Nelson Mandela
impression, how long will it be before

I'm allowed back on the television?

Do it, do it.

I've been working on this for some time,
Ed.

I really want to see that now.

How long it used to feel in between
Christmases before we grew up and

realized we had to pay for it?

Do you have the correct answer, please?

It's the last time a royal was arrested.

It's absolutely right. Thank you very
much, Ray.

Yes, the test I was looking for was...

When was the last time a senior royal
was arrested?

Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor was arrested
for suspicion of misconduct in public

office. The last royal arrest was on
Charles I in 1647 for high treason. He

was later convicted and executed for the
crime.

When you're not laughing, you're
learning.

Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor has
consistently denied any wrongdoing.

Yeah, he would, though, wouldn't he?

Yes, for...

Possibly revealing details when he was a
trade envoy. A job that I remember us

talking about years ago in the show in a
kind of a, oh, is he a trade envoy now,

is he?

Whereas now we have to go, he was a
trade envoy.

It's just busy work, isn't it? A trade
envoy.

It's like, what else are we going to do
with him?

It's the equivalent of sending the
apprentice to go and get a bubble for

the spirit level.

Go and get a tin of tartan paint.

Oi, Andrew, go and be a trade envoy.

To be fair to him, if you look at this
picture, this was obviously a very

stressful day, and he's not sweating. So
maybe he was telling the truth.

Everybody's praising this photographer
for getting the snap that nobody else

could get.

The first thing you learn how to do with
editing software is red-eye reduction.

I couldn't even manage that.

This picture as well.

uh that the guard was actually saying
that there was a problem with the button

trying to let them out that's why they
were stuck there for so long i've been

what a lie he just said again no i am
pressing it did you get the pitch here

it's one of these oops

No, I genuinely can at any time.

I don't have to do it just over there.

I can do it at any time.

But I choose not to. That's real power.

What's mad about this whole thing,
though, is he's been arrested, but he's

been arrested for misconduct. Don't you
dare.

Do you want to go up for misconduct in
public?

To be fair with this photo, there aren't
many of us to get to see what we'd look

like in an open casket, do we?

Just thinking how annoying it is to be
stuck in trafficking.

But it feels like they just keep taking
things from him.

And you keep going, surely that's
everything now.

And then just this week, having stripped
him of his royal titles, having stripped

him of all his military ranks, they've
suddenly come out with, oh, we might

also stop him from his line of
succession to the throne.

Which he still has.

He's still eight in line to the throne.
So maybe we'll take... He's like the bad

guy at the end of a horror film.

You just think you've got... Oh, here he
comes again.

He's done.

He's currently eight in line for the
throne, and soon he'll be eight in line

for the phone.

If we get taken out of the succession,
we all get to move up one, don't we?

Yeah, yeah.

Unless he's reinserted further down the
line.

Because it was early in the morning,
wasn't it, that they arrived? And

they're saying, oh, he could have been
in bed. And I can't not imagine him in

bed with the police at the foot of his
bed and him just thinking, one of these

is Michael McIntyre.

All of it's very circumstantial because
they don't actually know.

They say that he could have been in bed,
he could have been having breakfast, but

all of it...

Sounds really creepy.

He could have been eating an egg.

It is bound to have an impact on his
mental health, isn't it? Because you

know what they say about the Duke of
York, you know, when he was up, he was

up.

When he's down. I mean, Ronald also was
notable about the timing of the arrest.

Oh, he was right there.

Do you reckon when he got arrested and
they said date of birth and he said it,

they were like, that's a date of happy
birth?

Well, what's the main thing that you
want on your birthday? That the whole

day is about you.

And that couldn't have happened in a
more extreme way.

Everyone's talking about you today.

Congratulations. Well, I think it's
quite sweet. Apparently when they

knocked down the door, they went, have
you got anything to say in your defense?

I'm just waiting for this to come out on
24 hours on Police Cuff today. That's

what I'm watching.

It's going to be the best episode ever.
Because he will do it, because he'll

think, oh, I'll wait for me to get my
side of the story out.

It's the same with Prince Andrew's
staff. It came out that their nickname

for him was the word C-U-N-T.

I wonder what they're trying to say
about him. I wish I could crack one

kind.

What way has the staff reduced?

Skeleton crew? He has, he has.

It's chef and valet, apparently. A chef
and a valet being described as a

skeleton crew, that's still more than my
crew.

Because they haven't actually hired this
valet yet, have they? Do you know what

they should do? They should do a reality
show about it.

They should make a reality show called
Ain't No Valet Low Enough.

Moving on, what has Nigel Farage
recently announced?

It's not his shadow cabinet because he's
not the official opposition.

He's just announced what jobs he's given
to the various conservative MPs. Yes,

during his party.

And just so they don't get too spooked,
this is them in the most conservative

cosplay situation.

It does look like Farage is going,
what's that? That looks like, oh it is,

it's a bottle of piss.

That's him doing his favourite film,
E.T. Go Home.

Who's the guy next on the right of him?
Is that Rupert?

It's Richard Tite. Richard Tite. Because
all of them look happy, except Richard

Tite, who looks like he's sort of in
Jurassic Park.

And the rest of them are going, no, it's
okay, Richard, the dinosaurs will vote

for us.

I love the way they do the thing of
taking a successful TV show and then

just franchising it to different cities.

This is succession, Croydon.

I should just say, Tories, clearance
sale.

It's mad that Reform are so obsessed
with the past they're trying to get the

previous cabinet elected.

It's the exact same thing, isn't it?
This is the Tory party. Same colours,

they've just changed the name.

It's like when everyone knew Hermes was
so shit that they changed it to Every.

We wouldn't notice that we're still
getting our parcels four days late and

they smell of piss.

Are you saying this would be T.G. Jones?

I think you might have. That just really
irritates me, T.G. Jones. Like, they

moved everything one to the left.

You've got a classier reference point
than me, I'm going to say.

I don't know what you're talking about.
What? W.A. Smith is now called T.G.

Jones? What?

What?

We thought it was an Irish thing. No!

By the way, it was T.G.I. Friday. No!

They split the company, and the only way
they were making money was their travel

business, so they split it away, and
they moved all the stuff that we used.

How can they be making money at those
service stations for only charging £5

for a litre of milk?

That's incredible.

It's now called T.G. Jones, but they've
done it with the same font and the same

thing. This is T.G. Jones, basically,
yeah.

Am I bringing this news to the table?

This is crazy. This is the news.

This is the bit that'll go in. This is
the bit that's going to be all over.

instagram hello tick tock uh sheeple
it's pg jones now in

the w8 smith and color to be there my
mind is absolutely blows because even

with that before that obviously they're
going it's not hermes it's been saying

that blew my mind did anyone else not
know that i didn't know that and then

this has happened i was like this is too
much what else has changed well walworth

is gone have you heard

Yes, this show was recorded before the
results of the Gorton and Denton by

-election, as which you will know now
because you brought a newspaper in T.G.

Jones.

Moving on. What major changes to the UK
drug laws might Green Party's Zach

Polanski be proposing?

Oh, he wants to decriminalise...
Decriminalise, yeah. A-list, A-list, A

-class drugs? Yeah, not A-list. A-list
drugs.

It's all come a bit too late for me,
though, with this. I mean, this would

have been exciting news, I think, in my
30s. But now, if I'm at a party, I'm the

one chopping up the drugs using my
National Trust membership card.

And it's Ivor Brufen, so... It's funny,
though, that, like he said, something

about possibly decriminalising or
dealing with drugs in a different way,

which somebody would have jumped on in
a... What?! You want to inject heroin

into our children's eyeballs?! What are
you doing?!

Them and the Labour Party. I think it
could save the high street.

The high street is basically just a vape
shop now.

So you make all drugs legal, then you
could just have sort of ketamine

emporiums and stuff like that.

You know, T.G. Jones. The T.G. stands
for the ganja.

You're really taking this new
information and running with it.

Are you jonesing for a fix?

based on this show with how many adults
we have. Yeah.

They're up in the corporate hospitality
box going, all of our spend went on this

podcast.

It's better work out, you know. Now we
call it WH Spliff.

I can't laugh around. It's going to Zoe
Eddington.

Join us after the break for more.

Now we play a game called, You Think
That's Bad?

In a world where everything seems to be
going wrong, this is a chance for a

performance to compete, to outdo each
other with tales of woe from their

lives, and I decide whose is the worst.
Anyone care to start us off?

I had to go to a gender reveal party the
other day, and they are hacky as hell,

and they make me sick.

Like, physically, I got ill from one. My
cousin's pregnant, she was having a

gulf. All the food at the gender reveal
party was, like, pink on the inside.

That chicken burger is the hardest to
have a shit on.

My parents had a gender reveal party for
me, which was hurtful because I was 11

at the time.

We've gathered the evidence.

And we feel 60-40.

Okay, well, do you think that's bad? I
was involved off and on with a topical

comedy panel show on TV for many, many
years, and then they suddenly introduced

a round I still haven't got a handle on.

Pretty, yeah, pretty, yeah. It's been
serious when that happens.

I used to go to a particular newsagent
and then, well, they just changed their

name.

You think that's bad? I've got an iPad
that works on facial recognition that

won't allow me in before 11.30 in the
morning now.

That refuses, Dara. I have to lie on my
back and let the face reveal the troll.

Is that why Andrew was leaning back in
the car? You think he wanted to use the

troll?

I've let me into my bones.

You think that's bad?

I haven't married so long that I
actually booked myself a prostate exam

for Valentine's Day just to feel
something.

Why did you make it become this?

The gentle observations are at life.

There's a cry for help. You think that's
bad? I did my first shift as a prostate

doctor this day.

You think that's bad? I went to a gym on
the roads, and not my gym, and their

dumbbells only went up to 50 kilos.

We've all had that struggle.

What the hell is this?

Why are you running here?

A gym for ants!

You think that's bad?

Last year, I got run over by a stretch
limo for three-quarters of an hour.

Do you think that's bad? One of my
closest friends recently got arrested on

his birthday.

Do you think that's bad?

I don't actually know what my wife does
for a living, and I feel it's too late

to ask.

She's on OnlyFans.

Do you think that's bad?

I'm going to win this now. Do you think
that's bad?

My son is toilet trained. He has been
for a long time. He doesn't have

accidents. Sometimes he shits on the
floor for fun.

My reaction, okay? So we spoke to a
child psychologist. Apparently, when you

want your child to stop doing something,
you're supposed to not react when they

do it.

I'm not that good an actor. I don't
think that Judi Dench could turn the

other cheek when someone was shitting on
her carpet.

So when he does it, I scream, and I run
towards it, and I pick it up as quickly

as I can, you know, sometimes with my
bare hands.

No, before you dare judge me, if I don't
get it quickly, the dog eats it.

I'm here to do show business.

I think you win.

At the end of that, the point goes to
Emmanuel Rinson-Clara.

The next round is called 24 Hours in
Police Custody.

This game involves Glenn and Emmanuel,
so if you could make your way to the

performance area, please. This round is
a stand-up challenge. I launch the wheel

of news, and whoever chooses to stop one
of our performers must step forward.

talk about that subject. The winner is
whoever I think is the funniest.

Okay, here we go. Our first topic,
please. Let's spin the wheel.

The first topic is human behavior.

Manuel.

Human behavior, I think, is a very
interesting thing. Now, for me, I used

to play a lot of rugby.

And now that I don't play rugby, I'm
only realizing now how what we would

call normal behavior as rugby players is
apparently very different.

to what everyone else calls normal
behaviour.

We all know, well, most people know the
Guinness game. The Guinness game where

you take your first swig and you try and
split the G is the plan. Rugby players,

we play them differently, I found out.

When I was out with some friends, I say
friends, I'd just met the dude, but

we're drinking Guinness, so it means
we're brothers now, and he asked me to

watch his drink.

So I said yes, and he went to the
toilet, and the moment he left, I put my

balls in his pint.

Which, I think, is completely normal
behaviour. And I can see some of the

reactions. There's some of you here that
disagree.

Shockingly, so did he. When he came
back, he was furious. I was like, you

asked me to. Obviously not with many
words, but you gave me a pint.

I was like, who does that? And he was
like, we're at a christening. And I

thought...

I love a prank, but my issue is I can't
play pranks. Like, I shouldn't play

pranks. I'm far too big to play pranks.
Like, I can't jump out on anyone.

It's not funny when I do it.

Some of you will jump out on your
friends.

Banter. I do it. It's GBH.

But I like... Pranks, and famously one
that I got in trouble, I say famously,

it's why I'm not allowed at that school.

My son's school, when he first started
primary school, I missed the whole first

month because I was way on the road. So
I was gutted, I wanted to be there, and

this was my first time doing the school
collection, so I was excited.

I was the only parent outside the
school. I got there early. And one of

the teachers came out, and quite rightly
so, she'd never seen me before.

She said, afternoon, so which one of
these lovely children are you here to

take home with you today?

And I couldn't help myself. I said, I
don't know yet.

It's funny.

The police didn't think so, it was
weird.

Okay, that leaves us with Glenn. Let's
see what your topic is. Let's spin the

wheel.

It's motivation.

I wasn't very motivated when I was
growing up. I was quite an ungrateful

kid, even though I got to grow up in the
90s and noughties. I thought everything

in the 90s was boring and predictable.

I'd be like, well, music in the 90s is
so predictable, and movies are so

predictable, and TV is so predictable.
Every Saturday night, you turn the TV,

and oh, surprise, surprise, surprise,
surprise.

Even though I had a perfectly nice
childhood, my parents were always very,

very loving. They were always very
supportive. Every time it was my

birthday, they'd throw a big party.
They'd always invite the local kids'

entertainer. Typo the Clown.

We'd have fun.

Maybe because I had quite an antisocial
family. Very antisocial family when I

was growing up. We never wanted guests
or visitors. We used to hide the welcome

mat under the spare key.

Or maybe you didn't want to see people
because we lived in quite a bad area. I

knew it was a shit area. At least I knew
it was a shit area. Some of you might

live in a part of town. You can't make
up your mind as to whether or not your

area is nice or shit. I've worked out
the best way to determine if your area

is nice or shit. Have a think to
yourself.

If there was a zombie apocalypse
tomorrow, how quickly would you realise?

As long as you live in a cotswold, you'd
look out your window one morning and be

like, well, I can see a bin tipped on
its side and I can hear a car alarm in

the distance.

Something's afoot.

I've been Croydon every single day of my
life. I'll be like, oh, a guy in a

tattered suit just bit me in Aldi. We go
again, we go again.

Best way to work out of your area is
shit. Go out to the middle of your road

with a loudspeaker at two in the
morning, say, come out with your hands

up and see how many people do.

I get jealous of people who are
motivated.

You know, you look at celebrities when
they become world-class in, like, more

than one job. You look at someone like
Lady Gaga. You go, oh, my God,

incredible world-class singer. Also,
Oscar-nominated actor. How have you

become world-class in two separate jobs?
And there's no link between... I mean,

sometimes you even look at a celebrity
who becomes world-class in three

separate jobs. There's no link between
any of those. Julius Caesar, Roman

Emperor, C-sections and salad dressing.
What a weird... Thank you. Thank you

very much, guys.

Getting that round. The points go to...

Join us after the break for more Mock
the Week.

Our next round is called Picture of the
Week.

I just have a topic and everybody's
going to have to tell me what is

happening. So team, what's going on
here?

He's just woken up. He thinks he's at an
auction for Greenland.

This is Trump saying, would you like to
see my dickie?

Is he asking, which one's the suit
knife?

Looks like he's trying to chat her up.
He's going, you remind me of my wife in

that you're sitting at a different table
to me.

Is she saying, one more question and I'm
going to go and ask for Angela?

Have you heard?

They've changed the name to T.G. Jones.

It just looks like she's saying to him,
honey, I cannot explain to you what a

tariff is. One more time.

Looks like he's having a rare moment of
introspection going, hey, wait a minute.

Do people, do people, am I a bad person?

Are you that little Miss Redacted I keep
reading about?

He's saying, I have shat myself, but I
think I got away with it.

And she's clearly going, no.

have the correct answer. That is Trump.

I think that's at the governor's dinner
and that's his chief of staff, isn't it?

I think so, yes, absolutely. Thank you
very much. Well done, Ed Burns.

Yes,

this is US President Donald Trump who
suffered a setback recently when the

Supreme Court ruled that he had
overstepped his authority by introducing

a huge range of global tariffs without
congressional approval last year. The

ruling raises the possibility that the
US government has to refund billions of

dollars to businesses and consumers.

How, and I presume it being calmly and
with some consideration, has Trump

responded to this? Exactly as you said,
calmly and reasonably.

That's weird because he's normally so
reasonable about these things. I hope

everything's all right at home.

I do feel sorry for them because Trump
is a toddler and he has a toddler's...

psychology, and they keep trying to deal
with him like he's an adult.

So I've got a two-year-old in my house,
and he wants to get inside the

dishwasher. And you can't tell him he's
not allowed in the dishwasher. That

makes him want it more, like Trump with
the tariffs. You can't try and talk to

him about consequences.

There's knives in there, you'll hurt
yourself, you might break it so no one

has clean plates. They don't care about
consequences.

You have to do distraction.

Supreme Court needs to get a little jar
of jelly beans.

They need to find a neighbour with a
puppy or a kitten.

It's never too early in the year to
start talking about Father Christmas.

All that happened is I'm now just
picturing Trump shitting on your carpet.

It's really confusing and damaging for
British business. What we want is

stability. What would be great, it would
be great if we just, I don't know, if we

had a trade envoy who...

Maybe shared similar interests with
Trump.

But he is, he's doing this, the whole
point of this is supposedly to support

American businesses. So we need to
retaliate by supporting British

businesses. The most successful British
business at the moment is OnlyFans.

What I've been doing is an act of
patriotism.

That hand isn't available.

Thank you.

It feels like someone else is saluting.

We all know what this is all about. This
is all just to distract from the Gorton

and Denton by-election.

Moving on, why are female tortoises on a
Macedonian island hurling themselves off

cliffs? Well, I'm glad you asked this.

Is that not the most contrived question?

Why are female tortoises on a Macedonian
island... curling themselves up because

that's the mad libs that were on your
fridge.

Do you know what the funny thing is? I
have no idea. I didn't read this one.

You can all talk about yourselves.

And I'll take out some glasses and read
out what the fuck is happening in

Macedonia. It's because of the men's
tortoises.

They would rather be dead at the bottom
of a cliff than spend any more time

being a heterosexual woman tortoise.

The male tortoises have started biting
their genitals to instigate mating and

they're like, I'm out of here.

That's the true story.

The lady tortoises are trying to avoid
the in

-shells.

The next round is called Between the
Lines. It features Ed and Rhys. Would

you make your way to the press pit,
please?

Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise
of a leading figure on the world stage,

while Ed will translate what they really
mean.

This week, Rhys is Keir Starmer.

Finally, someone cool.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have been Prime
Minister for almost two years now.

Thought I'd better let you know in case
you were wondering who I am.

I will carry on as Prime Minister as
long as the people want me.

Bye.

There isn't a shred of evidence I knew
what Peter Mandelton was up to.

There are actually lots of shreds of
evidence in the bottom of my shredding

machine.

I can promise you there will be no more
U-turns.

Terms and conditions apply at our full
discretion. The Labour Party reserves

the right to backtrack on this promise
without prior notice at a time

convenient to us and then pretend it was
what we were going to do all along.

A recent poll shows my popularity is
growing.

People prefer me to Prince Andrew and
Hugh Edward.

People have criticised me for my views
of the transgender issue.

And when I say people, I mean they. No,
sorry, she. Do I? Oh, God.

The last Conservative government almost
destroyed the country.

Time to finish the job.

Labour has got to learn lessons and say
the things our traditional voters want

to hear.

We... Don't know where that

was from.

If there are those who wish to challenge
me, I am up for the fight.

You want to do this shit? You want to do
this? Be my fucking guest. I will

straight up...

So, everyone, what's going on here?

Keir Starmer losing another seat.

Imagine Keir Starmer is going, I thought
whales would be bigger than this.

Keir Starmer's misunderstood and thought
the important issue was trans rights.

I think he's thinking, can I derail this
too?

Has he just put them in the one mode of
transport you can't do a U-turn in?

When did the train just say the country?

Oh, where are we going? Wales, when?

I'm going to see it, say it. Oh, he's
fucked it.

Starmer's bored the cameraman so much,
he's had to throw himself onto the

tracks to take a picture.

Is that a shot at West Streeting or a
Prime Minister replacement service?

Who has Starmer reportedly been advised
to sack? It is West Streeting. It is

West Streeting, yeah. Who I think is
doing that sort of tactic of, you do

that thing where you behave like you've
already got the job that you want and

hope people don't notice.

But at the end of that round, the points
go to Sarah Rees-

I feel like I've just touched a US
police officer's cup.

The thing is, you've angered him and
he's going to take it out on me later.

I can't believe I've been part of a
coup.

It is distracting at work, isn't it? It
is, yeah. When someone wants your job.

I know. God, I've an insight into Chris
Armour's world now.

Glenn's even rolled up his sleeves like
he's a politician. He's ready to start

the job. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Enough of this.

Don't book Glenn again.

Anyone else? Oh, no. Are we just going
to leave it?

Awkward power vacuum situation.

someone says they're finding someone
distracting at work, that does usually

mean they have a crush on them.

Who's got a crush on who in this
situation?

No, no, I'm talking about the Prime
Minister again. Oh, sorry, okay.

Bro, you really sounded like you had
your hopes up there for a second,

Darren.

This is legit.

Who's this crush you're talking about?

Jeez, I wish I had hair.

tension around the table today.

Okay. At the end of that round, the
winners are... Oh, I think the winners

are over here.

The winners are Emanuel, Reece and
Sarah.

Join us after the break for more Master
Week.

The next round is called audience
question time. We throw ourselves open

to the studio audience and invite them
to ask us questions on any topic. First

up, Jason. Is Jason here?

How are you, Jason? Are you well?

I'm well. Oh, Jason's the first, I mean,
the serious person to stand up. You

don't have to do it. We'll bring the mic
to you. I'm going to stand up, yeah.

I love it, Jason.

Massive respect there, Jason. Thank you
very much.

Jason, what question do you have for us?

I'd like to ask, what advice would you
give someone that has just arrived in

this country?

Oh, thank you, travel agent.

I probably just make stuff up. I tell
them, see all those flags on the

lampposts? They're just to mark the ones
that need to be repaired.

There's actually a Nando's hack that if
you want to get yourself a butterfly

chicken, don't order the butterfly
chicken, because that's £16.50.

Get two kids' meals, which is £13 total,
but you get the same amount of food, but

you're saving £3.

Look at everyone going, oh, finally,
Nando's is cheeky again. Now we're going

for it. But I just want to know how the
staff react when you arrive, order two

kids' meals without Phil from with you.

It's amazing that Glenn's going for your
job and Emmanuel's going for Martin

Lewis's job.

It's the way that I order it when I'm in
there. It's like, I'll have two kids'

meals, please.

Any other advice to people who are
driving in? Get on a train and play my

favourite game, Lake or Flooded Field.

LAUGHTER So it's just a company we've
made your way over, struggled through

all the things to go, but now we are
here. We can play Lake or Flooded Field,

finally. He didn't say what he'd say to
somebody who's come here as an asylum

seeker.

It's a visit to the country.

It's a fun thing to do. Oh, OK.

I took it as being... Look, I just took
it as... Yeah, that's because you're

obsessed with them, Darry, you
right-wing dick.

LAUGHTER

He's the classic legitimate immigrant.

Pull the ladder up.

I'll let you in.

You were there first.

Yeah, you were.

I'll clap it over you while you're on
the ladder.

I would say, if you have just arrived
into the country, people refer to a shop

called W.H. Smith.

Gone. It's gone.

For T.G. Jones.

For all your stationary needs.

Okay, thank you very much, Jason. Thank
you.

And Anita, by any chance. Hi, Anita, how
are you? Hi, nice to see you.

What question do you have for the panel?
Do you have any dating tips?

I'll take this.

A burner phone. That's my first piece of
advice.

And hide it under the floor with a loose
floorboard and put it on silent.

I've got a good dating tip.

If you go to Nando's, you can get two
kids.

If you've got nothing else to do on
Valentine's Day, I know where you can

feel something.

I'd wait until after the start before
suggesting a threesome.

I'll give you the advice that my mum
gave me when I was 20, which is be very

careful who you get pregnant by, because
you'll have to see him every two weeks

for the rest of your life.

Absolutely watch your behaviour, because
it's the slightest thing, somebody will

just decide, no, no chance.

A friend of my wife was once on a date
with a guy and she decided, absolutely

not, because he licked his knife.

That was it. Whilst they were having
dinner, he licked his knife and she

went, boom, that's it.

And I just thought that was such a minor
thing. But she said, well, if he's like

that on a date, imagine what he's like
at home.

Is he going to come home and he's going
to have his balls in the cutlery drawer?

Also, did she actually do the mime?
Because when you say lick someone's

knife, you're doing it like it's like
he's just licking off some gravy. But

what if he was like... Look at her right
in the eye.

And it wasn't like it was a knife that
he had in a special leather.

Thank you very much. Thank you very
much.

Now we come to things we'd like to see.
So if everyone can make their way over

to the performance area.

I'll read out the three topics and see
what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go. The first subject is...
Strange flyers to get through your door.

Come work for us at IKEA.

Even if you get a rejection, it's always
good to get your foot in the flogging

slough.

Problem with rodents?

So have we. That's why our pizzas are
just £9.99.

can get rid of your gran.

Do you want to learn to sound like
you're ending a news report?

Well, with your help, we could make
sites like this a thing of the past.

Do you need your locks fixing?

Well, you found this flyer on your
bedside table, so I'm going to say yes.

Problem with pests?

Imagine how the royal family feel.

Do you need flyers printing?

Me too. That's why I'm screaming outside
your house.

Enjoy this money-off coupon for Nando's.
Just tell them you're two children.

Mini Mike and his tiny hands.

No job too small.

Do you need a psychic?

No? God, I'm bad at this.

This is not junk mail.

Although, technically, I am a mail, and
it is my junk.

The Amdram Society presents a plumber
trying to fix a broken toilet in Harper

Lee's to swill a blocking perm.

Three holidays away, all I have to do is
vote reform.

I suddenly need an osteopath.

Call 0800... Each night, the bombing

intensifies. That's right, Rhys James is
back on tour.

Need a comedian for an event but find
Miles Jupp a bit too funny? Try Glenn

Moore.

Yeah, fuck Glenn.

If you've read this, please stick it to
your fridge or the child who made it

will have died for nothing.

Our survey has discovered that 90% of
residents in this area don't know that W

.H. Smith has changed its name.

I've been watching you masturbate
through your letterbox.

Please stop masturbating through your
letterbox.

maximum wear and tear, dressed up as
Margaret Thatcher.

If found, please return to Glenmore.

Local Tex-Mex burger joint.

Lone Star. That's not our name. That's
our hygiene rating.

The name is not for turning.

the 3rd of May for your local Women's
Institute gathering.

There'll be raffles, cakes, and
Margaret's famous slut drops.

Come and spend the day where?

Oh, Diggerland.

Filthy curtains, dirty floors, untidy
back garden.

Short your life out, you filthy fuck.

The next topic is unlikely lines from a
children's book.

So, you're telling me you kissed a
sleeping woman without her consent?

We're going to have to strip you of your
tile of prints.

By David Walliams.

It was a blustery day in the Hundred
Acre Wood.

Pooh trudged along the path.

Hello, Al, he said to Al.

Get a shirt that covers your dick!

And then Dumbo said, do you want to see
my elephant impression?

And I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll

blow all of you, said Bonnie Blue.

Who's been sleeping in my bed, said the
cuckold bear.

Someone's been eating my porridge, said
Mummy Bear.

Someone's been eating my porridge, said
Baby Bear.

Someone's been drinking my piss, said
Bear Grylls.

Someone's been sitting in my chair, said
Hugh, while he was watching this show.

And Rapunzel's hair continued to grow
until it was long enough to reach all

the way from the top of the castle down
to the floor outside, as the wait

continued for Man United to win five
games in a row.

And why am I called after Paddington
Station, said the bear?

Well, I've got a lot of people into
reading.

No, reading. It's reading.

As he unzipped his trousers, the giant
yelled, Pee-fi-fo-fum, you won't believe

how much I cum.

OK, that is unlikely.

Don't worry, Piglet, said Pooh, Eeyore's
just having a bath and we should...

Where's our toaster?

My, my, Grandma, what big tits you have.

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, throw down your
weave.

I think Alice has fallen down a rabbit
hole.

She keeps doing weird tweets about how
5G gives you X-Files.

And when Alice awoke, thinking of all of
the crazy things that had happened and

the strange people that she'd met, she
thought, I'll never take ketamine ever

again.

No, Gollum, I won't stick me finger in
your ring.

Wow, said Charlie, a chocolate river. He
couldn't believe he was at the Thames

facility.

What big teeth you've got, Nana.

I've just come back from turkey love.

And if we leave a trail of breadcrumbs,
we can find our way back, said Hansel.

How dare you waste food when the world
is burning, said Greta.

Professor Snape is off six, so Professor
Freud will be filling him. Feeling him.

Fucking him. Sucking his dick.

That's the end of that round. The points
go to Zoe, Ed and Glenn.

That's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Sarah Pascoe,
Rhys James and Emmanuel Saboody.

Commiserations to Zoe Lyons, Ed Byrne
and Glenn Moore.

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara Breen.
Good night.