All language subtitles for alone_s02e12_into_the_abyss

I did it. I'm leaving this place. I need
to get home to my kids.

I know they need me. I just feel it in
my gut. I will always carry this place

in my heart.

This tide pool, it's a deep one.

Got it. Look at the claws on you, buddy.
This is a pot full of Dungeness crab,

and I am happy.

Yeah, there's definitely a storm, a
brew.

Every day, it's so long here now. When
you don't have calories and you don't

have anything to do, it sucks.

I really can't wait to get out of here.

I just miss my wife. Something fierce.

It would be so easy to just pick the
call and be back with Shawna tomorrow.

Who are you when everything's been split
away?

Gary out here in New York.

I have not had a serious meal in a week.
If I can't get a player, then I can't

stay here.

It's always in the back of your mind.
Well, I can tap out.

Putting up with a filming boy?

Running into a predator. It's not an if,
it's a when.

Get the hell out. I see you. Get out of
here.

I'm living a hand-to-mouth existence.

Yes!

$500,000 is a lot of money. It's just
going to keep getting harder.

It's not the world that needs to change.
It's me that needs to change.

Isn't that pretty?

I am so proud of this shank.

I found this on the beach.

I mean, I can just grab this in my
pocket and use it. And if it impacts

rock on the far side of a fish, so be
it. It's a nail. I can sharpen this

again.

I'm shanking all kinds of stuff. You
don't want to mess with me anymore. I

don't know.

I'm just kind of going wild here.

How to hunt a limpet. You look and look
and look in the rocks. I'm going to use

my pink-handled prison shank.

So I just get him underneath the corner,
and now he's history. He's his state.

Shank the limpet.

Shank the limpet.

Is he going mad?

I believe he is.

The thing which has gotten me most,
almost everything I've eaten so far has

been a hook and a line. And yes, it's an
active means and I have to do that while

I'm not doing other things.

But all the other things are done.

I'm not hurting for wood. I have plenty
of water. My shelter is perfect.

There's lots of days I've been fishing
which I didn't catch anything.

But I'm getting better at it.

Getting better at finding where they
are.

I need to get over there, but the tide
is still in too far for me to get over.

I'm getting more patient.

Yes! Yes! The biggest rock bath I have
ever caught in my entire life.

Dinner!

Can you tell I'm a happy man today? Can
you tell

that today has been a good day already?

I saw it happen, too. I dropped the
limpet in. I see this fish move up.

She just hit it.

I see the white limpet. You know, the
white limpets are white down there, and

it's all dark.

And I see the fish shape moving up. All
of a sudden, that limpet just goes right

in. I gave her a tap, and oh, my
goodness, she's on the hook, and she is

on the stringer.

Does not get better than this.

This is the grace of God, all right?

All my life I've sucked at fishing.

And I come out here and I'm like, all
right, Lord, you know I need some fish

tonight because I'm really super hungry.

And he's like, yeah, I love you, man.

Here you go.

Eat a giant fish tonight for dinner.

Yes!

In fact, here's another giant fish.

And I really, truly, and honestly do
believe that if God took his hand off of

me, I would fail immediately.

Just one misplaced step.

That's all it would take to take me out
of here.

I've got to clean some fish, make some
soup.

I've got more meat in this pot than at
any time during my entire stay at

Desolation Cove.

It would be great to actually share this
experience with somebody.

That's the thing that's killing me about
it.

The finer things in life are only fine
if you share them.

What good is it to go to a fine
restaurant and have this perfect meal

alone?

Wouldn't you rather take a friend?

I love the sound.

The sound of the rain hitting the tarp.

It's a comforting sound to me.

Way better sound than the ocean.

I'm sick of the ocean sound.

The ocean to me is like that one dude
that's like, Look at me. I'm over here.

I'm here. Look at me. I'm here.

You know, and you're like, all right,
dude, I understand.

Yeah, but wait about what about my
story? My story. I've got a bigger and

better story than yours. My story.

OK, dude, you know, I see that you're
there. I understand that your presence

is there. No, no, no. I'm over here.
Here. I'm here.

To me, that's the ocean. The ocean is
always.

Check my piute here.

Nothing.

The mice are being a pain again.

They know about my trap now.

Huh.

I think they've learned. I don't think
they're coming back anymore.

I'm really hungry.

Really hungry.

I've been checking my lines. Nothing's
been on them.

I'm starting to get worried.

You think it's easy fishing out there?

I've tried.

You think I haven't gone out there every
effing night and fished? They're not

biting out there right now.

Criminy.

For some reason, they're not biting.

And I'm running out of bait that I could
be eating.

That gill net has been worthless.

I've caught like two fish the entire
time I've been here on that gill net.

Oh, this darn gill net.

What a pain in the hooski this thing has
been to me.

My son told me not to pack one of these.

And I said, well, everybody swears by
him.

And he hemmed and hawed, and I'm like,
nah, he doesn't know what he's talking

about.

I should have listened to him.

I'm done with my gillnet.

The resources are really thinning out
now.

I've really depleted a lot of basically
everything in my area.

If I'm eating 20 periwinkles a day,
almost 20 a day, it shows because

they're not out there.

There is so little stuff left.

And now I've come to the point where I
don't really have the bait to spare.

I can't afford to bait my hooks every
single day.

Maybe have the chance of a fish.

I have to utilize that resource. I have
to eat those periwinkles.

I'm done fishing.

That's it.

The periwinkles are actually guaranteed
food, whereas I'm fishing and trying to

gamble for food.

It's just not worth it.

Damn, some of these are small, man.

Small, small, small.

As far as I'm concerned, man, I've done
everything I can do.

It's sheer hopelessness.

Sheer hopelessness.

There's no hope of getting any more food
than what I have.

There's no hope.

Sea otter.

Right in front of my nose.

He's finding food all right.

I don't think he has any trouble feeding
himself here at all.

He seems to be having fun in the process
of food.

Watching a sea otter here.

Pretty amazing critter.

Amazing landscape.

This place, not being hungry and cold
and wet and all that, like being here

having a house, a lodge, a life of some
sort, a wife,

would be a marvelous place to visit.
When all this is over,

maybe we'll come and spend some time
here, but with full bellies.

Checking the net. We're lucky there's
something in there.

Holy mouse, look at that.

I think there's a fish in there.

Go on your journey, brother.

These guys are incredibly tough, these
fish.

They must have been a big predator.

But now, today, the day of the hunter
came for you, as it will come for all of

us someday.

Now, at my current state of depletion,
one day without grub is all I'm willing

to take.

And then the experiment is over.

This is the worst shape I have been in
ever in my whole entire life right now.

I'm a walking bone rat.

The reason I'm hanging on to Shauna...

I want to give my

wife a better life than she has.

That's all it is right now.

I'm from Spain originally, even though
my wife is from Canada.

We live in the Yukon Territory.

I'm not allowed to work in Canada yet.

She's been supporting me for a while.

This is my one chance to support her,
and that's why I'm here.

This is my one chance in life. I have to
really, really do something great.

for my wife.

Every night I dream about food.

You toss and turn.

You crave.

You crave.

You wake up from a craving dream.

You just got this thing in the back of
your head that says, you know, you can

tap, man. You can tap. You can be in
town eating a hamburger. Think about all

the restaurants you're going to go to.

In the mornings when I'm just laying
there trying to get back to sleep, it's

like a full-blown.

raging machine in my head.

I'm in a funk right now.

Every morning I just wake up and I'm
just ready to tap.

And then I get some food in me.

It gets dark.

And then I'm like, well, that wasn't
such a bad day.

And then every morning it starts over
again.

It's getting worse day by day by day.

I'm starving Marvin, man.

Like I've never felt this kind of hunger
ever.

Every day you lay your head down and all
you can think about is food. When you

wake up in the morning, they're true
hunger pains.

My stomach hurts most of the time.

It's gurgling most of the time.

It's complaining most of the time that
it needs food.

How much psychological torment can you
actually take?

This is torment.

It's more than just cravings.

It's emotional despair.

It's emotional trauma.

It's truly trauma. I'm feeling trauma
right now.

Yep, it's pretty close to tap day, boys.

Pretty close to tap day!

I'm going to be gone.

You've taken the last bit of my soul.

This is all I can handle.

It's going to be a beautiful day today.

So I'm going to decorate this tree with
wet socks.

No way it's going to rain. There's no
way.

No, I say that knowing this is Vancouver
Island.

And it very well could rain today. It
could pour down rain.

So I'm going to try and fish from here.

This is very slippery seaweed on here,
though.

This is a place to be careful.

This area is just deep.

And I got a nice ledge right in here I'm
going to try and fish. Maybe there's

something hanging out in there.

Oh, something grabbed it.

In the beginning, there was lots of days
like today, which I didn't need

anything.

There was lots of opportunity and fish
and things going on out there. I just

didn't know what to do with it. I didn't
know how to get it.

Yes.

And now that I do, I'm consistently
hitting on fish.

That's how survival goes.

Cut off the hook.

Whoa.

That was close.

That was close.

Physically, I can hold my own for a long
time doing this, I think. I really can.

I know that emotionally this is getting
more difficult.

Definitely.

There's that hierarchy of human needs.

If you don't have air, you're not going
to think about water.

If you don't have water, you're not
going to think about food.

If I have food, then I start doing
things like missing my kids, start

thinking about the fact that I'm alone.

On the one hand, I'm still happy to be
here.

On the other hand, thoughts of home are
really starting to get to me.

As this becomes more and more normal to
me, what I'm missing becomes more and

more real.

I am lonely.

I need a hug.

That's what I need right now at this
moment, and I can't have that.

I need to talk to my kids, and I can't
do that.

This is not easy, and I just kind of
push that down.

You're living a razor edge out here as
to whether you're going to succeed or

fail.

And I'm not talking life or death, I'm
talking having to tap and go home.

It's death by a thousand cuts.

It's lack of calories, you know, the
rain.

The rough weather with the rough tides,
the drift coming in and wrecking your

gill net or wrecking your lines, the
fish not biting, the mouse chewing

through your pack.

And right now, it's the freaking hunger.

These are all things that nag at you and
nag at you and jab and jab and jab until

finally you just ain't got nothing left.

I'm at that point now where I ain't got
nothing left.

I got to be honest with you, I've pretty
much, my will has been broken.

I've had enough of this crap.

I'm over it.

It seems stupid to think that way when
there's that large of a sum of money

involved. But, you know, a person can
only handle so much.

You know, who knows how long these
people are going to last for. I don't

even know how many people are left. And
they could be, you know, catching fish

left and right.

I don't know.

It's disheartening.

Giving up sucks.

There's no way to sugarcoat it.

Just giving up.

I don't remember ever giving up anything
in my life.

It's a sucky-ass feeling.

I just don't want to let my family down,
man.

It just keeps coming back.

Keeps coming back and nagging me, just
like, oh, you freaking loser.

It's just... God.

I didn't come out here for the money.

I came out here to test myself.

But on the other hand, I could do so
much for my family, man.

My wife's going to be in her heart. I
know she's going to be disappointed in

me.

God bless her.

I know she's going

to think about that money and think,
gosh, that would have been a

really nice deal for us. We could have
sold the house. We could have got out

from underneath this mortgage.

That's what I'm thinking too.

She would never say anything like that
to me to hurt my feelings like that.

I just feel like I'm letting her down so
bad, man.

I had such high expectations of coming
out here and winning this.

Please, man.

Please, God.

Please.

Make it end soon, please.

Just make it end, God. I don't have the
energy for this.

I don't have the will for this.

I ain't got much fuel left in the tank,
baby. I ain't got much fuel left.

I ain't got it. I just thank God in my
heart and in my mind.

Please, God, help me.

Please help me, man.

Make it rain fish or something, man.

God help me.

I

was kind

of hoping for a spin with a kayak to try
to fish by hand but

it it's a today is very variable it rain
showers sunshine rain showers

wind it doesn't look like a kayak day
very much at all not a

whole lot left in my carefully hoarded
supplies so i'm basically stretching

what little food i had from the last few
days and

And seeing what comes my way.

It all happens in accordance to what the
bush wants to give me.

And so far the bush has been actually
surprisingly generous.

Now we'll see how much longer I am being
supported here, how much longer I'm

being nourished and kept.

The gill net, I have a pulley system
there.

And basically, when there's a piece of
wood that tangles the net and the pull

line, it won't go.

That's the problem.

Oh, the stick, I think, came loose.

Oh, that would be good news.

And it rhymes.

Uh-oh.

The whole net came out, I think.

My whole gill net is out there.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

I pulled off the whole anchor system of
the net.

I can't do anything about it right now.

It's too deep to set it.

I need to come back again and reset it.

Or make a decision about it.

The gill net is providing me sometimes
with gorgeous meals.

And it's going to be really hard to
survive here without it.

I'm stretching the supplies that I have
right now to...

point of impossibility.

It's not looking all that promising
unless I put the gillnet in.

I've got a bit of a technical problem
with that.

The lowermost tides that let me wade in
the water and pound stakes in

the ground, it has to be really, really
low. Those are the moon tides, and we

just passed New Moon.

So basically I'm as far away of the big
moon tides as I can be.

I just can't wait that long.

So I've been thinking of how to set it
up from the kayak.

Kayaking is becoming more of a
challenge.

Everything's been getting colder and
colder here.

Wearing those wet water shoes in the
kayak for an hour.

My feet come out.

Flumps of ice. I mean, it's really
rough.

I'm going to try to do that tomorrow.

If that works, I'll have a gill net
again.

If not, then... Look, some rough times
may be ahead.

Weird dream. I dreamed I was here at the
cove and there was a bunch of kids here

from the Quasino tribe that were
teaching me how to fish with spears.

And I just thought that was the coolest
thing. And I wake up and, you know, it's

like, okay, I'm all by myself here now.

I'm feeling the lack of people,
definitely.

The thing that bothers me about being
alone out here is that I'm doing an

activity which I have always shared with
other people. I have always been

involved with other people when I'm in
the bush.

It's like, man, I got this great place,
this great camp, and I'm the only one in

it.

And what's the fun in that?

I'm beginning to understand and learn
how human contact is a basic human need,

that we really do need this.

social interaction.

We're social creatures and we're not
designed to live alone.

And universally, we view people that do
live away from society as an aberration.

The isolation of this is what makes this
experience what it is.

The isolation and the fact that I am out
here by myself and do not have anyone to

talk to and do not have anyone else to
depend upon.

We're to care for.

And I think that's a significant
motivation in life that keeps us moving,

that keeps us going, is to care for
somebody else.

I've never been away from my kids for
more than a week or two.

And a homesickness could really get you
here.

The isolation is getting to me.

It really does bother me now.

I don't like being alone and cut off
like this.

At this point, there's nothing really
good about it.

How long is long enough?

Oh, what a beautiful day.

Thank you, Lord. Oh, my gosh.

You can get into a rut where you're kind
of feeling sorry for yourself a little

bit.

And this journey has kind of opened my
eyes to just how

lucky and how fortunate I am.

I've worked hard.

to be good at my job. My wife has worked
hard to be good at her job.

Nothing was just handed to us.

But we are extremely lucky to be in the
situation that we are in.

I need to stop being such a half-empty
kind of guy and be more half-full,

you know, a glass half-full kind of guy
and just be more positive.

Today, I made the decision that I was
going to burn all my firewood and I was

going to just eat the last of my limpets
and periwinkles.

I was ready

to go home.

I thought God had given me the perfect
day to finish out my journey here.

I mentally checked out.

I went to a really bad place, man.

I really don't want to go there again.

I can either lose this or I can gut it
out and win it.

I freaking want to win. I want to win
this bad.

I need this win.

It would help my wife out. It would help
me out.

It would be a significant life change.

I'll have to start on the hunt for
limpets and periwinkles and stuff again.

Maybe I'll start running lines again,
you know.

I'm going to waste this entire journey
if I tap now.

It's all up to me, man.

You know, how much can you handle?

How far can you go?

I thought I went as far as I could.

Evidently, I got a little bit left in me
still.

Which sucks.

When you're right at that point where
you say, I did everything I can do,

there's always a little bit more you can
give.

There's always a little bit more.

You can dig always a little bit deeper.

I'm digging deeper. I'm trying to dig as
deep as I can possibly go.

I'd rather go out swinging.

I'm putting some stuff here together,
sort of quick.

I had to pull out the whole gill net, so
I got no gill net now.

Which means that I'm running out of
grub, basically.

The option of putting the post back in.

from the water is not a good valid
option right now

the tide is not operating so i've been

thinking of how to set it up from the
kayak i figured how about i go

i sink a rock with a line and a float
perfect

so this guy i hope goes out

To the shore.

And this guy, this rope here, goes down
to a stone.

It'll sink where the pole, the stick,
used to be.

Is it going to work?

I don't know.

Do I have to try it?

Yes, I do.

That's what a man does.

Try.

Really hoping to go back into food
production very soon.

Because I'm not ready to go home.

I'm here trying to accomplish something
for my family.

The honorable thing to do is to bite on
for Shauna.

There's no better reason anyway in the
universe.

do things for love or for fear in the
end.

I said, I'm going to carry on for the
love I have for this woman and to try to

change her life.

If I win, I can really change her life.

She's been supporting me and I really
want to support her.

Life has given me this one chance to
make a life-changing event happen for my

family.

How many times do you get into something
like this where you have a real shot at

a prize like this, right?

How many more days? How many more days
of this?

You ever have one of those days where
everything's going right?

Balinga! I finally caught the effing
mouse.

Look at this fantastic fish.

That prize money would be huge.

I'm sick of being the dad that always
has to say no. $500,000.

It can help my family out. It makes
things better for us. Believe me, I'll

keep fighting. Every step of the way,
I'll keep fighting.