All language subtitles for Modern Family S01E02.en

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No.
And don't do drugs.

No!
Just give me the answer.

0h, God.

Still thinking.

[Man]
♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey ♪♪

Hi, Claire.
Hey.

Hey.
Oh, okay.

Hi. Um, this is
my husband, Phil.

Hi.
And, uh, that's my son,
Luke, right there.

This is-
Desiree.

Desiree, right.
Sorry.
Oh, hi.

Desiree just moved in
down the block.
Fun. Where?

314.
Oh!

The two-bedroom cottage with
the indoor-outdoor family room.

Very good.
How did you-

Bet you're lovin'
that steam shower.
Phil, that's creepy.

0h, sorry. I'm a-
I'm a real estate mogul.

"What?" No, I'm a-
I am a real estate agent.

We caravanned that house.
Great, uh, deck.

Thanks. I'm just there
till my divorce is final.

Now, who is coconuts enough
to divorce you?

We gotta go,
but we'll see you around.

We'll have to have you
over sometime.

I'd love it.
All right.

Bye.
Bye.

She's awesome.
No, we are never
having her over.

Heard she already slept
with two dads from the school.

What?
Mm-hmm.

That's horrible.

Dad, watch out!
Whoa! Watch it, buddy!

[Luke]
Grandma.
I'm sorry.

That still looks
like a girl's bike.

We'll add more black tape.

[Phil]
My son has been riding
his sister's old bike.

Until he's responsible enough
to take care of his own bike.

Look, he spilled a soda
on my computer,

he ruined our digital camera
taking pictures of himself
underwater.

It's a girl's bike.
I'm all for teaching him a lesson.

But I worry about
the ridicule he might get
from some loudmouth bully.

- [Horn Honking]
- Hey, hey, hey. Nice bike, Sally.

- Dad!
- Come on. He looks like
Little Bo Peep on that thing.

Actually, not for long.
He's getting a new bike
this afternoon.

I am?
Mm-hmm.

He is?

[Phil] Sometimes
a man's gotta put his foot down
and do what a man's gotta do.

And if the old lady
don't like it-

Honey?

That's too damn bad.

[Mitchell]
Yes. Who's excited, huh?

Cam, come on. Hurry up.
We're gonna be late.

It's a toddler play class,
not a flight to Cabo.

We're gonna be judged enough
as the only gay parents there.

I don't wanna be
the late ones too.

Wow! Paisley and pink.

Was there something wrong
with the fishnet tank top?

Obviously not.
I'm wearing it underneath.

Kidding.
Just chill, please. Here.

I'm sorry. I just wanna make
a good first impression.

You wanna fit in and not
terrify the villagers?
Hey, come on.

Today is about Lily,
all right?

Her future best friend
might be in that class,

and I don't wanna rub
anyone the wrong way.

Can you please just
change your shirt?

Fine. You know what?
I'll just go put on a pair of
khakis, maybe a polo shirt,

and everybody will think
we're a couple straight
golfin' buddies...

who just decided
to have a kid together.

[Dog Barking In Distance]

Hey, I called that place in Napa
and got us upgraded to a villa
with a hot tub.

So pack whatever
you wear in a hot tub.
Mmm!

I usually wear nothing
when I'm in a hot tub.

And my college roommate's wife
just had to get a new hip.

Sucker.

Manny's father
is taking him for a couple
of days to Disneyland,

so we're gonna go
to the wine country.

We're gonna drink some wine,
eat some good food.

You know, we would do something
like this a lot more often if
it wasn't for, you know, Manny.

He's good.
He keep us grounded.
Yeah.

Like fog at an airport.

Limo gets here at 4:00.
This morning, I thought I'd go
to the club, hit a few balls.

No! What about the fan
in Manny's room?

0h, yeah. Call a guy.

No! You're supposed to
do it with him.

It's important that we teach him
how to do things for himself.

In my culture,
men take great pride
in doing physical labor.

I know.
That's why I hire people
from your culture.

[Laughing]
You're too funny.

I'm gonna share that one
with my next husband when we're
spending all your money.

Dad, this is
the coolest bike ever.
Awesome.

So, listen, buddy.

Certain members of this family
don't think you can take care
of this bad boy.

You mean Mom?
Your words, not mine.

Look, uh, your mom and I
are a team,

and she- we feel like this
is a chance for you to show
some responsibility.

Don't make us look
like jerks here.

I won't.
Okay.

One more rule.
What?

Have, like, three
butt-loads of fun.

Thanks, Dad.

- So let's do this.
- 0kay, but I need to
be done by 3:00.

That's when my dad's
picking me up.

Hey, if we're not done by 3:00,
I'm gonna tie a noose
on this thing.

[Gloria]
In Colombia there's a saying:

"If you have two stubborn burros
that don't like each other,

you tie them
to the same cart."

The ceiling fan is the cart.

My dad's taking me
on Space Mountain.

It's supposed to be really fast,
but he's not scared of anything.

He doesn't even wear
a seat belt when he drives.
Wow. How 'bout that?

- Killed a bear once.
- Really? Was the bear sittin'
in the passenger seat?

Read me the instructions.

"Safety tips.
Warning: To reduce the risk
of electrical shock"-

We can skip that.

Uh, "Failure to heed
these warnings can lead
to serious injury or death."

You know,
you worry too much.
You know that.

Nobody's gonna get shocked.

One time my dad
was struck by lightning.

That's why he can drink
as much as he wants.

[Jay]
Manny thinks his dad
is like Superman.

The truth?
He's a total flake.

In fact, the only way
he's like Superman...

is that they both landed
in this country illegally.

[Babies Babbling]

I can't believe
I'm so nervous.

They're gonna love us.
Let's just be ourselves.

0r a slightly toned-down
version of ourselves.

[Scoffs]
I just don't want this to become
an episode of "The Cam Show."

0h, my gosh.
People love "The Cam Show."
Yes, I know.

You watch "The Cam Show."
I do watch it.

It's appointment viewing.
Okay.

Hi!
Hi! Are you here
for Toddler Time?

Yes. I-I'm Mitchell.
This is Cameron.
Hello.

And this here is Lily.

0h, well! Welcome.

- We're all over here
taking turns blowing bubbles.
- Oh!

Well, how nice
for... the babies.

Mm-hmm.
[Giggling]

This is gonna be really difficult.

[Horn Honking]

Ten minutes
after making a promise to me,
he leaves his bike unlocked.

All I can hear is
Claire's voice in my head-

[High-pitched Voice]
"He's not responsible.

You never should have
given him a bike."

I know.
I do a pretty good Claire.

So I decided
to teach him a lesson...

and let him think
his bike was stolen.

And I know that sounds kind
of rough, but sometimes it's
a dad's job to be the tough guy.

Excuse me! Thank you.

On your left!
My left. Your right!

Everyone, we have a new family
joining us today.

Hi. I'm, uh, Mitchell,
and I am a lawyer.

I- I'm Cameron,
and I'm currently
not working,

which gives me more time
to grill and shoot baskets
and-

And this is Lily.

Okay, we're gonna start
with the Hello Dance,

and then we're gonna move on
to blocks, then finger painting,

and then we're gonna do
our Family Dance.

All right.
Who wants to start us off?

♪♪ [Upbeat]
Dance us in, P. J!

[Baby Cooing]

She's adorable.
Oh, thank you.

Seven months?
Uh, eight.

0h! Is she grabbing
or scooting yet?

Yes. Absolutely.

I mean, when she's
not grabbin', she is-
she is scootin'.

Dance us in, Tyler!

[Gasps]
Are you ready?
Okay. Here we go.

Whoo! Oh!

Cam, Lily is not grabbing
or scooting yet.

Well, she's not doing it yet,
but she will eventually.

No, but, see,
a lot of these other kids,
they're- they're grabbing.

I-I just- Here. Come-

Lily. Look at the block, huh?
Grab the block, Lily.
Grab the "H."

Dance us in, Lily!

Okay. I got this.
Cam, just-

Yes, I know.
Tamp down my natural gifts
and dance like a straight guy.

No slapping your own butt.
But that's how
I make my horsey go.

- Thank you.
- [Scattered Applause]

That was very good.

I feel dirty.
[Baby Squeals]

[Grunts]

0h, hey.
Hey! Hi.

Hi.
Hi.

Uh, this is really
embarrassing, but I locked
myself out of my house.

0h! Pssh!
I do that all the time.
Don't be embarrassed.

I was- I was hoping
you could help me.

There's a window open,
but I can't reach it.

Would you mind?

Yeah. Yeah. Sure.
Great.

0f course.
You know what they say-

"Every time
God closes a door,
he opens a window."

0r I guess in this case,
every time he locks you out.
Okay, what do we got here?

I mean,
am I attracted to her? Yes.

Would I ever act on it?
No. No way.

Not while my wife
is still alive.
[Door Closes]

Are you sure I can't get you
something to drink?

Yeah. No, I'm-
I'm fine. Really.

If I knew a man was gonna
climb into my bedroom window,
I would have cleaned up a bit.

Are you kidding me?
It smelled great in there.

Like lotions and oils...

for... dry skin
and, you know,
calloused hands.

Yeah, it's a candle.

Uh-oh.
What's wrong?

The bike's gone.
Oh, no.

Can I help you find it?
That's all right.
Thank you.

0kay. Thank you!

So, to teach him a lesson,
I took his bike,

and then- crazy thing-
I put it down for one minute,
and someone swiped it from me.

Maybe that was your dad
teaching you a lesson.

[Forced Laugh]
Zinger.

So, any chance I could, uh,
get a break on this one?

I can throw in a bell-
Deal.

For five dollars.
No, sir.

So, you wanna go
for the insurance this time,
or is it still for suckers?

[Forced Laugh]
Got me again.

Well played, milord.

I will take some insurance.
Thank you.

What's going on in there?

That's not step four.
Don't worry about it.

It says right here
that you should-
That's worrying about it.

I thought you guys
might need a drink.

0h, you have no idea.

Manny, miamor, I have to go
get some stuff for our trip.

¡Ay! But have some fun
with your father, okay?
And I'll see you Monday.

Mwah! It makes me so happy
to see my two boys
working together.

Jay shocked himself twice.
0kay, Manny.

Well, I warned him.
Yep, he's been a big help.

Look at you two with
your private jokes already.

You're a regular
Salazar and El Oso.

It's a very big comedy team
in Colombia.

El Oso is always
hitting Salazar in the head
with the ladder and things.

And sometimes
they wear dresses. Hmm.

They make you laugh,
but they also make you think.

You blew it.
You made me look bad.

No, you made your mother
and I look bad. We are a team.

Luke, you in there?
Hey, Dad.

Hey. Hey, buddy.
[Video Game Sounds]

That was, uh-
That was pretty fun today, huh?
Getting a new bike.

Yeah, it was awesome.
So, uh, what happened
after I took off?

Anything you want
to share with me?
Not really.

So, if I, uh,
went out to the garage,

took a picture
for a scrapbook,
there'd be no surprises?

I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it.
I just made a mistake.

Yeah, a big mistake!
You're making me look
really bad here.

I told Mom
you were ready for this.

- It's just a scratch, Dad.
- That's not the point, Luke! What?

I scratched it on my way
into the driveway. I'm sorry.

So, it's not stolen?

No. Why?

That's good,

'cause... there are
bad people out there
who would steal a bike.

Those are thieves.

You sit there and think
about the scratch part.
That's not good either.

[Clattering]
I gotta fix that step.

So don't scratch anything while
I'm gone, unless it itches.
That's different.

The good news is,
Luke has his bike.

More good news-

I taught some random kid
a valuable lesson
by stealing his bike.

Best news-
Claire knows nothing.

So, I figure
I'll just dump the new bike
where I stole the first bike.

That way,
random kid gets his back,

and this new bike
doesn't raise a lot
of embarrassing questions...

like why I had it
or who boosted who
through a bedroom window.

So, everybody's happy.

[Gear Shifts]
Uh-oh.

Ah, son of a- You gave me
the wrong screwdriver.

Maybe you're just
using it wrong.

My dad's great with tools.
He can get the wheels off a car
in less than a minute.

[Quietly]
Just get me to wine country.
Just get me to wine country.

Ow!
Sorry!

I think my arm is broken.
Relax. It's not broken.

How do you know?
You don't know anything.

You have no concern
for safety.

Because it didn't
hit you that hard.
Why don't you just say it?

You don't want me around.
You know what?
Right now, I don't!

I don't wanna be with you either.
I'm gonna go wait for my dad.

0h, but- but if you leave,
how will I ever finish?

You know what?
I wish you never married my mom.

I hate living here.
You think I like
this arrangement?

I got a two-seater parked
in the driveway!

I mean,
I don't understand.

Why are you trying to sneak around
and hide things from me?

I actually think
it's pretty funny.
You do?

I do. Yes.

I mean, you steal a bike
from some poor kid, and then
the bike gets stolen from you.

It's hilarious.
[Laughing]

Classic me, right?
Yeah!

So, where were you
when it got stolen?
Oh, I was getting some gas.

Uh-huh.
You don't stand near the car
when you get gas?

Yep, but, uh, I went
inside to get a soda
because I was thirsty,

and if I had a soda,
I wouldn't be thirsty
anymore.

So I bought one, then I
drank it all right there, which
is why I don't have the can.

Well, honey, please,
let's try to remember that
I'm your wife, not your mom.

So in the future,
you don't need to hide
things from me. Okay?

0kay.
Okay.

0kay.
Oh! Oh, yeah.

You get back here, you!
What are you doing, Phil?

I just love ya
so darn much!

I know. I love you too,
but that hurts.
Let's get you inside.

Hi.
I know.
That's hurting a lot.

[Phil]
This is a hot one.
Hello! Hi there!

Hi again.
Oh, hi.

I, uh, found your bike.

Uh-
Oh, good! You-

At the gas station?
No, at my house.

One of my neighbors saw it
and put it in my garage when
you were in my bedroom, so-

Classic me?

Come on, honey.
Grab the block.

See, like he did.
You gotta do that.

You gotta grab it
like him.
So, seen any movies lately?

Uh, yeah.

You know, my husband and I
just rented, uh, Mamma Mia!
Which I liked,

but I don't know that Meryl Streep
was the right choice.

What did you think?

Excuse me.
Meryl Streep could play Batman
and be the right choice.

She's perfection...

whether she's divorcing Kramer,
whether she's wearing Prada.

Don't even get me started
on Sophie's Choice.

I get emotional
thinking about it.

She couldn't forgive herself.

[Whimpers]

I guess she was okay.

Really? Ooh.

Uh-uh-uh.

Grab the blocks,
sweetheart.

- You're not even interested in it.
- Is Henry stacking?

Good job, Henry!

Good job!

♪ Q-R-S
T-U-V ♪

♪ W-X-Y and Z ♪

♪ Now I know my- ♪♪

Whoa, Lily! Oh!

Not so high. Wow!

- That is a big moment for her.
- Yeah.

Would you like
a videotape?

Uh, you know, I don't-
I don't know if I can actually
get her to do it again, so-

Well, we tape all
of our classes.

We don't like parents
bringing cameras in.
It keeps them out of the moment.

I'll get you a copy after class.
That's super. Yeah.

Great.
Thank you.

Cam. Cam, let's go.

I don't know what's happened
to me, but I just stole a baby's
intellectual property.

What?
You'll see it tonight
on the news.

- Come on. Let's just go.
- Oh, look who's here!

Anton and Scott!
Sorry we're late!

Don't look at me.
The eye candy here
can't leave the house...

without spending 20 minutes
in front of the mirror.

[Laughter]
Are you kidding me?

I am so sorry.

Look at those queens.
I would have killed
with this crowd.

But you had to clip my wings-
which you used to be
the wind beneath.

I know. I'm sor-
This class has turned me
into a complete monster.

I'm- I'm just-
I'll make it up to you.
Let's just go.

Okay, it's time
for Parents Dance.

Everybody dance
for your baby!
♪♪ [Dance]

[Applause]
[Baby Squeals]

[Woman]
Wow!

You wanna do it,
don't you?

I do.

I wanna dance
for my baby.

All right. Go on.
Get in there.
You sure?

Make that horsey move.
Go ahead.

[Baby Squeals]
[Cheering]

Go, go!

♪ G-Get it on ♪

0h, I think I hurt myself.

[Phone Rings]

Hello. Hey, Javier.

Manny's waiting for you outside.

What? Why not?

Hold that thought.

[Jay]
His son's sitting on a curb,
waiting to go to Disneyland,

and Superman
can't drag himself away
from a craps table,

and I'm the jerk.

Say, listen.

I, uh-

Sorry, but I got
some bad news.
What?

Your dad couldn't make it.
Why not?

The plane was full,

and this old lady
needed to get home,
so he gave up his seat.

You're making that up,
aren't you?
No.

He just didn't
want to come.

Are you kidding me?
He was very upset.
He was dying to see you.

[Vehicle Approaches]

In fact, look what he sent.

A limo?
Yeah.

He wanted me and your mom
to take you to Disneyland.

I told you he was
an awesome dad.
Yeah, he's a prince.

Okay. The key
to being a good dad?

Look, sometimes things work out
just the way you want.

Race you to the end.
That is not a good idea...
for you.

[Jay]
Sometimes they don't.
You gotta hang in there.

Because when all
is said and done,

90% of being a dad...

is just showin' up.

Hey! That's my bike!
Oh, I don't, uh-

Well-

[Grunts]
You-
I was giving it back!

She couldn't forgive herself.

And... she had to choose.

I think because now I have-

we have- we have-
we have Lily,

it's so hard to imagine
being put in that position.

If I had to choose Lily
or Mitchell,

I mean, I would choose Li-

I don't know! I don't know!

[Inhales]

I don't know!

ENGLISH - US - PSDH