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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,419 --> 00:00:03,836 - All right, you're doing fine, sweetie. 2 00:00:03,962 --> 00:00:05,129 Now, Malia, let's just go easy on the gas here 3 00:00:05,255 --> 00:00:06,756 and come to a complete stop. 4 00:00:06,882 --> 00:00:08,549 Hey! 5 00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:10,635 Okay, so in the future, you want to try 6 00:00:10,761 --> 00:00:12,470 not to go through stop signs. 7 00:00:15,057 --> 00:00:18,059 Okay, just remain calm now, 8 00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:20,019 and what you're gonna want to do is pull up 9 00:00:20,145 --> 00:00:22,021 right here next to the curb. 10 00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:26,192 This is-this is why we want to stay in the lines 11 00:00:26,318 --> 00:00:28,361 and we want to follow rules, okay? 12 00:00:28,487 --> 00:00:29,570 Remember this. 13 00:00:32,950 --> 00:00:36,035 - License and registration. 14 00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:38,663 Holy... Mr. President! 15 00:00:38,789 --> 00:00:41,958 - Yeah, yeah, just, uh, teaching Malia to drive here. 16 00:00:42,084 --> 00:00:44,210 - Well, you guys ran a stop sign back there, 17 00:00:44,336 --> 00:00:46,379 but that's okay. You can go. 18 00:00:46,505 --> 00:00:47,880 - Oh, no, no, no. Malia's gotta learn 19 00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:49,424 what it's like to drive in the real world here. 20 00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,426 This is called consequences, Malia. 21 00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:54,178 Now, I want you to go ahead and treat us like you would 22 00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:58,099 if I weren't the President. 23 00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:01,310 Not exactly what I had in mind. 24 00:01:27,171 --> 00:01:28,212 - Wow. 25 00:01:28,338 --> 00:01:29,464 Thank you. - Thank you. 26 00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:32,008 Thank you so much. 27 00:01:32,134 --> 00:01:33,926 - All right. - Welcome to the show. 28 00:01:34,052 --> 00:01:35,303 - What is up? I'm Jordan. 29 00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:36,804 - I am Keegan, and this is Key & Peele. 30 00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,681 - Yes. 31 00:01:38,807 --> 00:01:40,516 Thank you. 32 00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:43,478 - So Jordan and I have known each other for quite some time, 33 00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:45,730 and there was a period of time when we lived together 34 00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:49,025 for about seven months, uh, in his apartment. 35 00:01:49,151 --> 00:01:51,611 How do l- What is the most diplomatic way 36 00:01:51,737 --> 00:01:52,779 to describe your apartment? - Just say it. 37 00:01:52,905 --> 00:01:55,031 - Raw compost. - Okay. 38 00:01:58,035 --> 00:02:00,077 It's not that bad. - It's-it is- 39 00:02:00,204 --> 00:02:01,788 Dude, his kitchen- 40 00:02:01,914 --> 00:02:04,624 Your kitchen and your bathroom are health hazards. 41 00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:06,584 Once-Jordan, one time I was in there wa- 42 00:02:06,710 --> 00:02:08,461 I went into the kitchen, I said, "You know what? 43 00:02:08,587 --> 00:02:10,129 I'm gonna wash the dishes." 44 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:12,965 And l-oh. - Okay. 45 00:02:13,091 --> 00:02:14,425 - I, like, threw up a little bit in my mouth 46 00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:15,593 right now just thinking about your kitchen. 47 00:02:15,719 --> 00:02:17,929 - All right, no, I... 48 00:02:18,055 --> 00:02:23,476 I operate in a very distinct ecosystem, okay? 49 00:02:23,602 --> 00:02:25,937 Yes, there is a little bit of mold, 50 00:02:26,063 --> 00:02:28,064 but the roaches eat the mold, so... 51 00:02:28,190 --> 00:02:30,525 and... 52 00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:34,070 The mice eat the roaches. I eat the mice. 53 00:02:34,196 --> 00:02:35,571 Nants ingonya- Circle of life, bitch. 54 00:02:35,697 --> 00:02:38,074 That's all it is. 55 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,867 That's my house. 56 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,869 - Ooh, and that's halftime. 57 00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:43,871 - Oh! - What? 58 00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,873 - Oh, my gosh! - What a half! 59 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,750 - That is crazy! - Oh, my god. 60 00:02:47,876 --> 00:02:49,836 - Oh, my gosh. - Hey, uh... 61 00:02:49,962 --> 00:02:51,796 forgot to tell ya, congratulations 62 00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:53,548 on getting the new job. - Oh, thanks, man. 63 00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,132 I appreciate it. - Awesome, that's awesome. 64 00:02:55,259 --> 00:02:56,467 - Yeah, and thank you for inviting me over here 65 00:02:56,593 --> 00:02:58,177 to the game today. - Oh, no problem. 66 00:02:58,303 --> 00:02:59,846 I mean, you're my best friend. 67 00:02:59,972 --> 00:03:01,055 - Wow, thanks, man. Hey, you know what? 68 00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:02,223 You're my best friend too. 69 00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:03,432 - Cool. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 70 00:03:03,559 --> 00:03:06,561 Wrote a song about it. 71 00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:08,938 - Not gonna sing it or anything, 'cause that would be gay. 72 00:03:09,064 --> 00:03:10,857 That's pretty gay. 73 00:03:10,983 --> 00:03:12,233 - All right, I'll give it a shot. 74 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:21,993 ♪ Wally, you're my best friend ♪ 75 00:03:22,119 --> 00:03:25,246 ♪ Together we can change the world ♪ 76 00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:28,124 ♪ We've been together through thick and thin ♪ 77 00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:30,751 ♪ Playing ball and talking to girls ♪ 78 00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:34,589 ♪ Wally, I'm so proud of you ♪ 79 00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:38,384 ♪ You know you've taken all of my advice ♪ 80 00:03:38,510 --> 00:03:40,386 - Wait, stop, stop, stop, stop. What advice? 81 00:03:40,512 --> 00:03:44,765 - Oh, um... it's just a song, dude. 82 00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:45,975 I mean, like, can I finish? 83 00:03:46,101 --> 00:03:47,143 - Yep. - And then we can? 84 00:03:47,269 --> 00:03:48,311 - O-okay. - All right. 85 00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:53,149 ♪ You've done everything I've asked of you ♪ 86 00:03:53,275 --> 00:03:56,569 ♪ And you never, ever questioned twice ♪ 87 00:03:56,695 --> 00:03:58,154 - What are you talking about? 88 00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:03,826 ♪ Thank you for doing what I told you to ♪ 89 00:04:03,952 --> 00:04:08,956 ♪ Your achievements are also mine ♪ 90 00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:10,625 ♪ My padawan ♪ 91 00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:13,169 ♪ You make your sensei proud ♪ 92 00:04:13,295 --> 00:04:15,463 ♪ Living your life living your life ♪ 93 00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:16,881 Two, three, four... 94 00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:21,802 ♪ Living your life to my design ♪ 95 00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:24,931 - That was the weirdest song I've ever heard in my life, so- 96 00:04:25,057 --> 00:04:27,642 - ♪ You have listened to your elders ♪ 97 00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:29,226 - I'm older than you! - ♪ Never forget ♪ 98 00:04:29,353 --> 00:04:31,604 ♪ The words I say ♪ - Okay, I, uh, 99 00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:33,022 don't like your song, so I'm gonna bounce. 100 00:04:33,148 --> 00:04:34,941 - ♪ You are a product of my creation ♪ 101 00:04:35,067 --> 00:04:37,944 - What? No I'm not. - ♪ I have shown you the way ♪ 102 00:04:38,070 --> 00:04:40,112 - Except for that you haven't. You haven't. 103 00:04:40,238 --> 00:04:41,864 - ♪ Modulate ♪ 104 00:04:41,990 --> 00:04:43,407 - You just say what you're doing? 105 00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:44,992 - ♪ Like the white wolf guides his cubs ♪ 106 00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,911 ♪ Through the plains of the caribou ♪ 107 00:04:47,037 --> 00:04:50,039 - Shut up! 108 00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:55,294 - ♪ I have done all I can ♪ 109 00:04:55,420 --> 00:05:01,050 ♪ The rest is up to ♪ 110 00:05:01,176 --> 00:05:04,220 ♪ You ♪ 111 00:05:04,346 --> 00:05:05,930 My wolf cub is all grown up. 112 00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:13,062 - Come on, this is some- 113 00:05:13,188 --> 00:05:14,438 My man's been up there ten minutes. 114 00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:16,023 - Okay, clear. 115 00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:18,025 Okay, the number pressing now. 116 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:21,654 No, just hold on a second, Malia, all right? 117 00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:24,490 Just gotta... 118 00:05:24,616 --> 00:05:27,368 Sorry, everyone, it's taking so long. 119 00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:30,079 - Oh, my god, Obama! 120 00:05:30,205 --> 00:05:32,999 Obama! How you doing, sir? 121 00:05:33,125 --> 00:05:34,500 - It's me. 122 00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:37,461 Just showing my daughter how to use the ATM... 123 00:05:37,587 --> 00:05:38,879 having a little trouble with the machine. 124 00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:40,172 - Oh, you having trouble with the machine? 125 00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:41,424 Oh, man, we'll chip in! 126 00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:42,591 We'll chip in right now, man, 127 00:05:42,718 --> 00:05:43,759 then you can be on your way! 128 00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:45,636 - No, no, no, no, no. 129 00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:47,179 I'm trying to show Malia what life is like 130 00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:48,973 in the real world here, all right? 131 00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:50,683 So just do me a favor, treat me like you would 132 00:05:50,809 --> 00:05:52,685 anyone else in this situation. - Okay. Yes, sir. 133 00:05:52,811 --> 00:05:55,479 Yes, sir. All right. 134 00:05:55,605 --> 00:05:57,481 Hurry up, man! Is your tie stuck 135 00:05:57,607 --> 00:05:59,316 in the damn machine? What are you doing, man? 136 00:05:59,443 --> 00:06:01,610 People trying to get they money up here! 137 00:06:01,737 --> 00:06:03,696 - Not exactly what I had in mind. 138 00:06:05,449 --> 00:06:07,199 - Go on then! 139 00:06:07,325 --> 00:06:09,118 Didn't even get your money. - Dad! Dad! 140 00:06:09,244 --> 00:06:10,327 Dad! Dad! 141 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:13,748 - Come on, girl, hurry up, man. 142 00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,207 You got seven- Oh, okay, no. 143 00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:16,584 Take your time. Take your time. 144 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:18,210 Take your time. 145 00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:27,511 - Now, uh, Keegan and I always have a fun time 146 00:06:27,637 --> 00:06:29,472 discussing the crappy apartments we've lived in... 147 00:06:29,598 --> 00:06:30,973 - Yes. - In our lives. 148 00:06:31,099 --> 00:06:32,516 - Right, and I was just telling you recently 149 00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:35,936 about how in '97 I moved into an apartment 150 00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:38,731 with two friends in my hometown of Detroit. 151 00:06:38,857 --> 00:06:44,612 And, uh, we got broken into five times in six weeks. 152 00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:46,113 It's gotta be a record. 153 00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:47,782 - I don't see how that's possible. 154 00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:50,451 - Yeah, uh, it's Detroit, so... 155 00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:52,453 And the first time we got broken into... 156 00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:53,829 - Mm-hmm. - I mean, the cops came in, 157 00:06:53,955 --> 00:06:56,123 they're examining the apartment, 158 00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:57,833 and they're making their way out of the apartment. 159 00:06:57,959 --> 00:07:02,838 There is a bloody fingerprint on the wall. 160 00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:05,466 And so I said to the cop, "Um, excuse me, you know, 161 00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:07,718 "I just wanted to point out that there's a fingerprint here 162 00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:09,595 if maybe you wanted to dust that or something." 163 00:07:09,721 --> 00:07:11,180 - Mm-hmm, straight evidence. - Yeah. 164 00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:13,682 This is what he says to me. He goes, "Aw, naw, man. 165 00:07:13,809 --> 00:07:15,142 That-that's just on TV." 166 00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:20,940 What? 167 00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:25,402 - What are we doing in this neighborhood? 168 00:07:25,529 --> 00:07:27,988 - Come on, this place is in our price range. 169 00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:29,657 Besides, I mean, people say the neighborhood's 170 00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:33,577 turning around. - Who the fuck here? 171 00:07:33,703 --> 00:07:35,121 It's Jordan and Keira. 172 00:07:35,247 --> 00:07:40,251 We're here to view the apartment at 3:00. 173 00:07:40,377 --> 00:07:43,629 Oh, shit, my bad. 174 00:07:43,755 --> 00:07:46,340 I had this homeless crackhead trying to set up house 175 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:49,510 in here yesterday. Almost had to beat his ass, man. 176 00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:50,970 But y'all ain't got nothing to worry about, 177 00:07:51,096 --> 00:07:52,596 'cause anybody try to get up in here, 178 00:07:52,722 --> 00:07:54,765 I will murder them. 179 00:07:54,891 --> 00:07:56,684 Let me give y'all the tour. 180 00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,894 All right, so we got these vintage windows. 181 00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:00,855 They been here as long as the building's been here. 182 00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,523 Oh, shit! 183 00:08:02,649 --> 00:08:04,316 Get away from the window! Get away from the window! 184 00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:06,026 Hey! Hey! 185 00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:08,112 You, motherfucker! I see you out there! 186 00:08:08,238 --> 00:08:10,489 You get out that car, and I will murder you! 187 00:08:11,783 --> 00:08:13,033 That's what I thought! 188 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,119 So roll on, little nigga! 189 00:08:15,245 --> 00:08:18,122 Roll on! 190 00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:20,374 My nephew, Craig. 191 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,585 He a good kid. 192 00:08:22,711 --> 00:08:26,172 He smoke crack, though. 193 00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:29,758 Just, uh-Just in case he come back. 194 00:08:29,885 --> 00:08:31,177 - Uh... - And I filed the serial number 195 00:08:31,303 --> 00:08:32,970 off that, so if you gotta shoot anybody, 196 00:08:33,096 --> 00:08:34,513 just make sure to wipe your fingerprints 197 00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:37,057 off this motherfucker. 198 00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:40,102 Well, come on, y'all. I ain't gonna bite you. 199 00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:42,021 Brand-new cupboards. 200 00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:44,231 I put the contact paper in myself here 201 00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:46,108 so y'all don't get no germs. 202 00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:47,276 Get down! 203 00:08:52,741 --> 00:08:54,283 Nah, ain't no thing. 204 00:08:54,409 --> 00:08:56,577 I thought Craig was rolling back. 205 00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:59,413 I ain't getting shot by this motherfucker twice, damn. 206 00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,499 While we down here, check this out. 207 00:09:02,626 --> 00:09:03,959 Original hardwood floor 208 00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:05,586 from when the building was built. 209 00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:07,671 Check out this grain, brother. 210 00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:09,798 Whoo! That is craftsmanship! 211 00:09:09,925 --> 00:09:10,966 Anyway, come on. 212 00:09:14,304 --> 00:09:17,973 Now, this paint is all new, and- 213 00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:20,517 Aw, shit. 214 00:09:20,644 --> 00:09:23,312 Okay, this-this happened after I had painted. 215 00:09:23,438 --> 00:09:25,981 Funny story, we got crackheads in this neighborhood, 216 00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:28,442 and one of them lived right next door here, right? 217 00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,903 And one day, he was smoking crack, just went looney tunes 218 00:09:31,029 --> 00:09:33,113 and mistook his 9mm- 219 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,199 that's a pistol, honey- for the remote control. 220 00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:37,243 But don't worry, you ain't never gonna see him again. 221 00:09:37,369 --> 00:09:40,955 Ain't nobody ever... 222 00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:43,457 gonna see him... 223 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:46,752 again. 224 00:09:46,878 --> 00:09:48,879 Plus, I'm gonna put a fancy little hook in there 225 00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:50,589 and turn it into a hat rack. 226 00:09:50,715 --> 00:09:53,676 No let's take a look at this bedroom. 227 00:09:53,802 --> 00:09:55,094 What the fuck? 228 00:09:55,220 --> 00:09:56,720 - I found this place first! 229 00:09:56,846 --> 00:09:58,847 - Found it? Man, I own this place! 230 00:09:58,974 --> 00:10:00,391 Can y'all give me a second? 231 00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:03,560 Aah! 232 00:10:03,687 --> 00:10:05,145 You gonna bite me, motherfucker? 233 00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:06,897 I will cut you with my sword cane! 234 00:10:07,023 --> 00:10:10,192 Aah! 235 00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,864 - So that's gonna be first month and last month's rent 236 00:10:15,991 --> 00:10:17,157 and one-month security deposit. 237 00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:20,911 I'll get the paperwork started. 238 00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:27,376 - Okay, baby, let's hit this rock real quick. 239 00:10:29,713 --> 00:10:32,881 - And now we have a special treat. 240 00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:35,926 Hold on to your yarmulkes, okay? 241 00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:39,346 "From east to west, you know they're the best. 242 00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:41,974 Getting you in the zone for your milestone." 243 00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:43,392 Is that cute? 244 00:10:43,518 --> 00:10:47,771 Please welcome Gafilta Fresh and Dr. Dreidel! 245 00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:52,067 - Yeah! 246 00:10:52,193 --> 00:10:54,653 What's up, Temple Beth Israel? 247 00:10:54,779 --> 00:10:56,864 - Yo, is there a Daniel Rosenblum 248 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,365 in the hizzouse? 249 00:10:58,491 --> 00:10:59,742 - Oh, yeah! - What's up, man? 250 00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:01,535 - Aw, yeah! What's up, my man? 251 00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,370 Yeah, all right! - All right! 252 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,459 - When you see black people at a bar mitzvah, 253 00:11:08,585 --> 00:11:09,626 it's very exciting. 254 00:11:09,753 --> 00:11:11,211 It's like a scary ride. 255 00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:12,796 And the kids just love it. 256 00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:14,423 - Right now, we are the number-one 257 00:11:14,549 --> 00:11:17,551 bar/bat mitzvah party motivators in all of Nassau County. 258 00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:20,846 - I mean, you got the Bat Mizzles, you know? 259 00:11:20,972 --> 00:11:23,349 Oys to Men, you know? All of them coming through 260 00:11:23,475 --> 00:11:25,642 like 261 00:11:25,769 --> 00:11:27,269 With the recycled dreck. 262 00:11:27,395 --> 00:11:28,854 - And I mean, the chutzpah of these guys 263 00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:30,773 with their fakakta shtick. 264 00:11:30,899 --> 00:11:32,858 It's a real shanda on what it's supposed to be. 265 00:11:32,984 --> 00:11:34,526 - A simcha. - Yeah. 266 00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:36,487 - It's supposed to be a simcha. - Mm-hmm. 267 00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:38,322 - You just really can't put a price 268 00:11:38,448 --> 00:11:39,948 on the look on your child's face 269 00:11:40,075 --> 00:11:42,159 when they see a black person for the first time. 270 00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:44,745 It's... 271 00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:48,665 It's just magical, really. 272 00:11:48,792 --> 00:11:50,250 Is he getting back up or what? 273 00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:51,668 - We are not technically chosen. 274 00:11:51,795 --> 00:11:53,379 - We're chosen by the chosen. 275 00:11:53,505 --> 00:11:55,964 - Which is kind of better than being just the chosen. 276 00:11:56,091 --> 00:11:58,592 - That's right. It's less responsibility. 277 00:11:58,718 --> 00:11:59,760 - Jews are like black people, 278 00:11:59,886 --> 00:12:01,011 but we were black people 279 00:12:01,137 --> 00:12:02,930 before there were black people. 280 00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:04,556 Um... well, I guess that's not true. 281 00:12:04,682 --> 00:12:05,849 They were just in a... 282 00:12:05,975 --> 00:12:07,184 Different part of, uh, the world. 283 00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:09,520 Oh, black people coming to get me! Help! 284 00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:15,692 - Yeah, you know it! 285 00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:22,032 We find it spiritually intoxicating, 286 00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:24,910 we find it culturally fascinating, 287 00:12:25,036 --> 00:12:27,621 and we find it monetarily exhilarating. 288 00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:30,457 ♪ When we say Sarah you say Schwartzman ♪ 289 00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:31,667 - Sarah! - Schwartzman. 290 00:12:31,793 --> 00:12:32,835 - Sarah! - Schwartzman. 291 00:12:32,961 --> 00:12:34,503 - Yeah! - There you go, yeah! 292 00:12:34,629 --> 00:12:36,380 - I mean, the fact that we're willing to put forth 293 00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:38,715 the extra time is what sets us apart. 294 00:12:38,842 --> 00:12:40,926 - I mean, how often is a 13-year-old 295 00:12:41,052 --> 00:12:43,345 gonna hear their own name? 296 00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:46,515 - We learn that name. We rehearse it. 297 00:12:46,641 --> 00:12:49,810 Go, Daniel! Go, Daniel! 298 00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:53,188 - Judaism can be a very somber religion. 299 00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:54,731 - That's right. You know, something 300 00:12:54,858 --> 00:12:58,318 we learned along the way is that the word "ghetto" 301 00:12:58,445 --> 00:13:01,947 means something very different to these people. 302 00:13:02,073 --> 00:13:03,657 - To tell you the truth, I was a little nervous 303 00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:05,826 about the whole thing. No, not because they were black, 304 00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:07,786 but because you never really know 305 00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:09,872 what those kind of people are gonna do. 306 00:13:09,998 --> 00:13:13,417 - If we can add some fun, some life, some color 307 00:13:13,543 --> 00:13:17,713 to a Jewish person's life when they're still young- 308 00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:19,339 - They might not grow up and run away from black people 309 00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:22,217 when they see them. - No, maybe they won't... 310 00:13:22,343 --> 00:13:25,888 - Or, uh... - Fire people so willy-nilly 311 00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:28,223 when they're older. 312 00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:32,186 - We provide a service to these people. 313 00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:35,606 Yeah! 314 00:13:35,732 --> 00:13:37,691 We motivate parties. 315 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,276 - That's we do. 316 00:13:39,402 --> 00:13:42,070 - That's we do. We motivate parties. 317 00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:55,459 - So we're fascinated with movies these days, 318 00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:57,044 because movies have gone crazy. 319 00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:58,712 - Oh, yeah. - They have the 3-D, 320 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,589 amazing effects, amazing sound. 321 00:14:00,715 --> 00:14:02,633 They spend so much money, and it looks so good. 322 00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:05,928 Why can't they just get the simple shit right, though? 323 00:14:06,054 --> 00:14:07,137 You know what I'm talking about? 324 00:14:07,263 --> 00:14:09,306 - The next time you go to a movie, 325 00:14:09,432 --> 00:14:10,766 when you watch somebody on the phone, 326 00:14:10,892 --> 00:14:13,101 I guarantee you they will not say good-bye. 327 00:14:13,228 --> 00:14:15,729 - Yes. - It won't happen. 328 00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:19,358 "Honey, I promise you that I will be home 329 00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:21,860 for you and the kids on Thanksgiving." 330 00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:26,073 - You can't... 331 00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,116 you can't get away with that. 332 00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:29,910 You never see the scene where somebody calls back 333 00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:31,119 talking about... 334 00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:32,287 "Why'd you hang up on me?" 335 00:14:32,413 --> 00:14:33,789 - "Oh, I was just... what? 336 00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:35,082 I didn't... what are you talking about?" 337 00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:40,963 - Or my favorite is after a shower, or love-making, 338 00:14:41,089 --> 00:14:43,799 how come every person in the film, when they get out, 339 00:14:43,925 --> 00:14:46,134 just immediately put this... - Towel, towel. 340 00:14:46,261 --> 00:14:48,554 Talking about in your own house by yourself! 341 00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:49,972 No. 342 00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:51,682 I get out of the shower, I'm ass-naked 343 00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:52,849 all over the place. - Yes! 344 00:14:52,976 --> 00:14:54,351 Oh, dude, if I'm home alone, 345 00:14:54,477 --> 00:14:56,311 I will put my balls on a bookshelf. 346 00:14:56,437 --> 00:14:57,854 I don't care. 347 00:14:57,981 --> 00:15:01,191 I'll just make something up because I can. 348 00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:08,407 Please! No! 349 00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:12,411 No! 350 00:15:23,965 --> 00:15:25,757 - What-what's the joke? 351 00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:26,925 - What? 352 00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:28,594 - L-I don't get it. 353 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:30,429 - Man, you shot that damn fool! 354 00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:37,603 - Oh... 355 00:15:37,729 --> 00:15:39,313 yeah, no. I still don't get it. 356 00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:40,606 - Hey, man, ain't nothing to get. 357 00:15:40,732 --> 00:15:43,358 Shit is just funny, man. 358 00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:44,776 Dude can't snitch now. 359 00:15:52,493 --> 00:15:53,535 - Man, don't fake laugh. 360 00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:54,995 - Huh? 361 00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:57,623 - That's not real. I can tell. 362 00:15:57,749 --> 00:15:59,708 - No, I think it's really funny. 363 00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:01,168 - No, you don't. 364 00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:04,379 Look at him! Sitting there all dead. 365 00:16:09,677 --> 00:16:13,347 He was 20, and now he's dead. 366 00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:15,849 Ain't never gonna have a wife or kids now. 367 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:18,602 - Man, what are you doing? Wife and kids? 368 00:16:18,728 --> 00:16:20,187 That shit ain't funny. 369 00:16:22,899 --> 00:16:26,234 His mom and dad ain't never gonna see him again. 370 00:16:26,361 --> 00:16:29,112 - No. No. 371 00:16:29,238 --> 00:16:30,822 You're ruining it for me. 372 00:16:30,948 --> 00:16:33,283 - Okay, well, I guess I just don't get it then. 373 00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:34,785 - It's just that you shot him. 374 00:16:34,911 --> 00:16:36,286 That's all! That's the whole thing! 375 00:16:36,412 --> 00:16:37,954 - Oh, okay, so... 376 00:16:38,081 --> 00:16:39,373 - Oh! 377 00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:41,041 The hell is wrong with you? 378 00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:42,417 You don't shoot a dude that's already dead! 379 00:16:42,543 --> 00:16:43,585 That's not funny! 380 00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:46,755 - Oh. Aah! 381 00:16:46,881 --> 00:16:50,676 Oww! 382 00:16:50,802 --> 00:16:53,095 - Yeah, I guess I just don't get it. 383 00:16:58,393 --> 00:17:01,353 - So you have to tell every human being in the world 384 00:17:01,479 --> 00:17:04,481 that their baby is cute whether it is true or not. 385 00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:06,983 You just have to. 386 00:17:07,110 --> 00:17:08,735 - Keegan Michael-Key, nicest guy in the world, 387 00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:10,320 just outed himself as somebody who doesn't 388 00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:11,697 find all babies cute. 389 00:17:11,823 --> 00:17:12,864 - Well, I mean, what am I supposed to do? 390 00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:14,032 Go down the street, you know, 391 00:17:14,158 --> 00:17:15,200 you see a lady with her stroller. 392 00:17:15,326 --> 00:17:16,576 "Oh, hi." And you peer in, 393 00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:18,412 and there's just, like, an infant body 394 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,205 and then Steve Buscemi's head. - Yeah, you don't... 395 00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:24,835 - That's rough. You can't go, 396 00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:26,420 "whoa!" 397 00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:28,213 - No, yeah. - That's mean. 398 00:17:28,339 --> 00:17:30,382 - Yeah, you don't want to be picking up a little baby 399 00:17:30,508 --> 00:17:31,883 with the head of Newt Gingrich, 400 00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:33,802 'cause that's just unattractive. 401 00:17:33,928 --> 00:17:35,512 You don't want to see that. 402 00:17:35,638 --> 00:17:38,098 - I don't want to see a lady breastfeeding, you know, 403 00:17:38,224 --> 00:17:39,808 just right here... 404 00:17:39,934 --> 00:17:40,976 Danny Devito. - Yeah. 405 00:17:42,979 --> 00:17:45,147 - There's nothing cute about a 3-foot-tall Forest Whitaker. 406 00:17:45,273 --> 00:17:47,607 - No, there isn't. 407 00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:49,109 No, there's not. 408 00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:52,612 - Talking about "Ga-ga goo-goo." 409 00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:57,909 "Ga-ga goo-goo." 410 00:17:58,035 --> 00:18:00,579 - Mrs. Whitaker, I have been babysitting for 20 years. 411 00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:01,997 I've seen it all. 412 00:18:02,123 --> 00:18:05,751 - The thing is, Forest is a unique child. 413 00:18:05,877 --> 00:18:07,127 - Everything is gonna be fine. 414 00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:08,587 I want you to have a good time tonight. 415 00:18:08,713 --> 00:18:10,046 You deserve it. 416 00:18:10,173 --> 00:18:12,424 - Okay, um... 417 00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:16,386 good luck. - Thank you. 418 00:18:29,025 --> 00:18:34,905 - Goo-goo ga-ga. 419 00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:39,951 Hey there, Forest. 420 00:18:40,077 --> 00:18:41,828 - Goo-goo ga-ga. 421 00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:43,914 I want... 422 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:45,791 I want milk. 423 00:18:45,917 --> 00:18:47,793 - You want me to get you your bottle, buddy? 424 00:18:47,919 --> 00:18:51,463 - I want milk! - Okay. 425 00:18:55,218 --> 00:18:58,136 - This is a ba-ba. 426 00:18:58,262 --> 00:19:00,222 I want mama's milk. 427 00:19:00,348 --> 00:19:03,141 Why can't I have mama's milk? 428 00:19:03,267 --> 00:19:04,518 It's a simple request. 429 00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:06,353 - Well, yeah, well, uh, 430 00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,897 y-you can't have mama's milk right now, buddy. 431 00:19:09,023 --> 00:19:10,315 Um, how about we play? 432 00:19:10,441 --> 00:19:12,150 - Okay. 433 00:19:12,276 --> 00:19:13,819 I want... 434 00:19:13,945 --> 00:19:15,946 I want-I wanna play with my Legos. 435 00:19:16,072 --> 00:19:17,447 - Okay, yeah. 436 00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:21,117 Okay, buddy, let's, uh, get your Legos then. 437 00:19:21,244 --> 00:19:22,661 - I wanna... 438 00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:25,497 I wanna put the smallest Lego in my mouth. 439 00:19:25,623 --> 00:19:26,998 That's what I'm gonna do. - No, no, no. 440 00:19:27,124 --> 00:19:29,376 You can't-you can't do that. - What? 441 00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:31,753 First you tell me I can't have mama's milk. 442 00:19:31,879 --> 00:19:35,507 Now I can't have the smallest Lego in my mouth? 443 00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:37,717 What a night. 444 00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:39,761 This is a bad start. 445 00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:41,972 - Wait, but Forest, it's dangerous. 446 00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,348 - Let me get this straight. 447 00:19:43,474 --> 00:19:46,768 You're in charge of me? In my house? 448 00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:48,228 - All right, F-Forest, i-it's time for bed. 449 00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:51,273 - I guess then you gonna sing me a song. 450 00:19:51,399 --> 00:19:52,941 - What? 451 00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:55,944 - Mama always sings me a song before I go to sleep. 452 00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:57,779 Are you gonna do that for me? 453 00:19:57,905 --> 00:19:59,656 - Okay, okay. Yeah. 454 00:19:59,782 --> 00:20:02,492 Yes, I will. 455 00:20:02,618 --> 00:20:06,538 ♪ Hush, little baby don't say a word ♪ 456 00:20:06,664 --> 00:20:09,082 - Keep-keep singing. 457 00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:12,627 - ♪ Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird ♪ 458 00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:15,046 - Put my name in it. 459 00:20:15,172 --> 00:20:16,882 I like-I like it personal. 460 00:20:17,008 --> 00:20:21,970 - ♪ Hush, baby Forest Whitaker don't say a word ♪ 461 00:20:22,096 --> 00:20:23,513 - Goo-goo ga-ga. 462 00:20:23,639 --> 00:20:27,100 - ♪ Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird ♪ 463 00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:28,727 - Good babysitter. 464 00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:32,063 - ♪ And if that mockingbird don't sing ♪ 465 00:20:32,189 --> 00:20:34,274 - Have a good cry. 466 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,234 ♪ Mama's gonna buy you ♪ 467 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,111 ♪ A diamond ring ♪ 468 00:20:44,869 --> 00:20:46,786 - We have had a great show tonight. 469 00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:48,121 - Yes. - Uh... 470 00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:49,915 so great that I wrote a song about it. 471 00:20:50,041 --> 00:20:51,207 - Nope. Nope. No, no, no, no. 472 00:20:51,334 --> 00:20:54,002 Thank you. Good night, everybody! 473 00:20:54,128 --> 00:20:55,378 - You don't want to hear it? 474 00:20:55,504 --> 00:20:57,672 - I don't want to hear the song. 475 00:20:57,798 --> 00:21:00,675 - ♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪ 476 00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:03,345 - Oh, yeah. 477 00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:07,265 - We got broken into four more times after that. 478 00:21:07,391 --> 00:21:08,475 - Basically, every junkie in the neighborhood 479 00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:09,643 was coming on. - Oh, no, no, no. 480 00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:12,062 Same guy each time. 481 00:21:12,188 --> 00:21:14,522 It was the same guy five times in a row. 482 00:21:14,649 --> 00:21:16,274 - Basically, you were this guy's Best Buy. 483 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:19,694 - Yeah, mm-hmm. Yeah. - I love it. 32654

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