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1
00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:17,201
LARRY: We're cleaning
the house, baby.
2
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:20,037
Pick him up.
l got him. l got him.
3
00:01:21,247 --> 00:01:22,289
Yeah !
4
00:01:22,373 --> 00:01:23,624
Nice shot.
He got lucky.
5
00:01:23,708 --> 00:01:25,626
Nice pass. Here we go. Ball.
6
00:01:26,002 --> 00:01:27,336
l got him.
7
00:01:27,879 --> 00:01:29,171
Don't let him shoot it!
8
00:01:30,423 --> 00:01:32,382
Come on, come on !
Put it up, Chuck!
9
00:01:32,467 --> 00:01:35,344
Oh, yeah. Chuck, my man.
All day, all day!
10
00:01:36,387 --> 00:01:37,554
Yeah, Tony!
11
00:01:37,639 --> 00:01:38,972
Tony, tag him.
12
00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:40,641
Good steal.
13
00:01:40,725 --> 00:01:41,934
Take the ball. Take the ball.
14
00:01:42,018 --> 00:01:43,018
Come on !
15
00:01:43,353 --> 00:01:44,478
MEN: Yeah !
16
00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:46,897
Come on, come on. Come on.
17
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:49,233
Feel the power!
18
00:01:49,317 --> 00:01:50,359
Foul ! Foul !
19
00:01:50,443 --> 00:01:51,527
That wasn't a foul.
20
00:01:51,611 --> 00:01:52,986
Chuck!
Shoot. That's it!
21
00:01:53,071 --> 00:01:54,780
DARLA: Chuck!
Shoot it, man !
22
00:01:55,406 --> 00:01:58,158
Chuck! Chuck!
l need to talk to you !
23
00:01:58,660 --> 00:02:01,787
Hey, Darla, what's the matter with you?
You sound so upset.
24
00:02:01,871 --> 00:02:05,207
You slept with my twin sister on Saturday.
That's why l'm so upset!
25
00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:06,667
How do you know
for sure it wasn't you?
26
00:02:06,751 --> 00:02:08,502
'Cause l wasn't there.
27
00:02:08,586 --> 00:02:10,295
lt sure looked like
you were there to me.
28
00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:11,672
Oh, he's dead.
29
00:02:11,756 --> 00:02:14,842
Come on, let's figure this out together.
This is a tricky situation.
30
00:02:14,926 --> 00:02:17,386
Do me a favor. Say, "Oh, Chuck,
keep buttering my biscuit."
31
00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:18,512
Get out of here.
32
00:02:18,596 --> 00:02:21,390
No, l'm trying to do detective work here,
so we can both be happy.
33
00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:23,976
l'm confused, too.
l feel violated !
34
00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:28,438
Chuck, keep buttering my biscuit.
35
00:02:28,940 --> 00:02:30,858
You're right, that wasn't you.
36
00:02:30,942 --> 00:02:32,609
You are such a loser, Chuck!
37
00:02:32,694 --> 00:02:34,027
Let it go, Darla.
38
00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:35,362
Hey, look who's here.
39
00:02:35,446 --> 00:02:38,031
He has moved up
from Marshalls to Bloomingdale's.
40
00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:40,659
He didn't even know
it was you that night, Donna!
41
00:02:40,743 --> 00:02:42,077
That's a joke!
He thought it was me!
42
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:43,245
He knew it wasn't you
43
00:02:43,329 --> 00:02:45,497
because you would never do
half the freaky stuff that we did !
44
00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:46,874
Don't tell me l don't know
how to satisfy a man !
45
00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:48,083
You show up here in your. . .
46
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:49,543
You shut your mouth,
you fat-ass!
47
00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:51,879
Whoa, whoa.
Hey, girls, look, come on.
48
00:02:51,963 --> 00:02:54,006
Now, don't fight, you two.
You're sisters.
49
00:02:54,090 --> 00:02:55,382
Give each other a kiss
and make up.
50
00:02:55,466 --> 00:02:58,635
You're the only sisters you got.
Use your tongues.
51
00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:00,053
You dare us to?
52
00:03:00,138 --> 00:03:02,472
Unless that's too freaky
for Darla over here.
53
00:03:02,807 --> 00:03:07,352
You'd be surprised
just how freaky l can get.
54
00:03:07,645 --> 00:03:10,731
l'm sorry,
right now you gotta prove it to me.
55
00:03:10,815 --> 00:03:12,983
Come forward. That's right.
56
00:03:15,111 --> 00:03:16,111
(BELL RlNGlNG)
57
00:03:16,404 --> 00:03:17,905
(MEN GROAN)
58
00:03:18,656 --> 00:03:19,865
Saved by the bell, girls.
Yeah.
59
00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:23,410
Hear the bell, gentlemen?
Let's go! Time to make a living !
60
00:03:23,494 --> 00:03:25,871
Somewhere something is burning !
61
00:03:31,502 --> 00:03:32,586
What we got?
62
00:03:32,670 --> 00:03:35,422
MAN ON PA: Both companies, first due,
phone alarm. Prospect Place...
63
00:03:35,506 --> 00:03:39,092
Larry, Larry, let's go.
All right, somebody call Larry a cab.
64
00:03:39,177 --> 00:03:40,510
Shut up.
65
00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:41,845
Fat-ass!
66
00:03:45,516 --> 00:03:48,644
Chuck, you said you were gonna
sign Mr. February for me!
67
00:03:48,728 --> 00:03:51,271
l will. l just gotta go
save the city first.
68
00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:52,397
l'll call you !
l'll call you !
69
00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:55,192
No, l'm gonna call him !
70
00:03:59,781 --> 00:04:01,365
Hey, who's this guy?
71
00:04:01,449 --> 00:04:04,826
KARL: He's a transfer
from Engine Company 1 2. Name's Duncan.
72
00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:06,954
They say he put his captain
through a wall.
73
00:04:07,038 --> 00:04:08,288
For what?
74
00:04:08,373 --> 00:04:10,207
Don't know.
Don't want to know.
75
00:04:10,291 --> 00:04:12,542
And my advice,
don't ask him.
76
00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:14,336
Hey, you.
77
00:04:15,171 --> 00:04:19,049
My friend Karl here says
you're an ax murderer. ls that true?
78
00:04:19,509 --> 00:04:22,302
See, you're wrong, Karl.
This is Karl, by the way.
79
00:04:22,387 --> 00:04:26,181
He lives at 845 Rutland Road,
Apartment 4C. Right?
80
00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:31,270
(CHUCK AND KARL CHUCKLlNG)
81
00:04:41,239 --> 00:04:42,823
Four floors fully involved.
82
00:04:42,907 --> 00:04:44,491
Be nice to have
some more ladders up here.
83
00:04:44,575 --> 00:04:45,617
Going in alive.
84
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:47,703
Coming out the same way.
Let's go.
85
00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:49,579
Help me!
86
00:04:49,664 --> 00:04:52,416
Please! My son is up there!
87
00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:53,500
My baby!
All right.
88
00:04:53,584 --> 00:04:54,668
All right, all right,
we'll get your baby.
89
00:04:54,752 --> 00:04:55,752
Bernie!
We'll get your baby.
90
00:04:55,837 --> 00:04:57,629
My baby Bernie! Please!
Calm down, calm down.
91
00:04:57,714 --> 00:04:58,714
Please!
lt's all right.
92
00:05:00,049 --> 00:05:02,050
Chuck, you got the keys.
Use them.
You got it, Chief.
93
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,468
All right.
94
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:07,014
Thing's a pain in my ass.
95
00:05:09,183 --> 00:05:10,475
lt's open.
96
00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:11,852
Show off.
97
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,940
Bernie! Bernie!
98
00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:18,442
BERNlE: l'm up here!
99
00:05:18,526 --> 00:05:19,651
Hang in there, little man !
100
00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:21,194
BERNlE: Hurry!
101
00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:22,404
Up the stairs.
102
00:05:22,488 --> 00:05:23,530
Let me hear that voice!
103
00:05:23,614 --> 00:05:24,698
BERNlE: l'm up here in my room !
104
00:05:24,782 --> 00:05:26,450
All right, try and stay calm.
Come on.
105
00:05:33,041 --> 00:05:34,875
Where you at, buddy?
Hey!
106
00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:36,251
Let's hear that voice!
107
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,086
BERNlE: l'm over here!
108
00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:45,135
All right, let's find a new way in.
109
00:05:48,848 --> 00:05:50,057
BERNlE: Help me.
110
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:53,393
BERNlE: Yes!
111
00:05:53,644 --> 00:05:55,270
All right, all right.
112
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:57,272
Oh, thank God !
113
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,399
Holy Shamu.
114
00:05:59,484 --> 00:06:02,027
l'm sorry.
l can't get out of bed.
115
00:06:02,111 --> 00:06:03,612
There's a bed under there?
116
00:06:03,696 --> 00:06:05,405
Can you walk at all?
117
00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:07,282
l haven't walked
in five years!
118
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:10,369
All right, maybe if we strap a rocket ship
on this guy, we'll get him out of here.
119
00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:13,246
No, no, we can do this. People lift cars.
lt's adrenaline, you know?
120
00:06:13,331 --> 00:06:15,457
Well, cars.
This guy's more like a freaking minivan.
121
00:06:15,541 --> 00:06:17,501
Hey, buddy, we're gonna help you
out of here. Come on.
122
00:06:17,585 --> 00:06:18,919
How's my mom?
Your ma?
123
00:06:19,003 --> 00:06:21,797
lf she survived the birthing process,
nothing's gonna take her down.
124
00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:23,382
So, what, just grab a side,
Chuck, come on.
125
00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:24,591
Get a side there.
What do you mean, get him?
126
00:06:24,675 --> 00:06:25,675
What are we gonna do here?
Come on, just. . .
127
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:27,552
Come on. Come on !
We can't budge this fatso.
128
00:06:27,637 --> 00:06:29,596
l know, let me chop him up.
We'll take him down in pieces.
129
00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:30,639
What?
l'm kidding you.
130
00:06:30,765 --> 00:06:32,516
We gotta hurry up here.
Let's go.
All right, all right.
131
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:33,642
Just grab the back of our coats.
132
00:06:33,684 --> 00:06:35,435
Turn around, Chuck.
Grab the back.
Okay. All right.
133
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:38,146
Hey, hey, did you start this fire
by lighting one of your farts?
134
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,272
That's funny.
135
00:06:39,357 --> 00:06:40,941
Hold on to our coats.
Hold on. Start running !
136
00:06:41,025 --> 00:06:49,533
Go!
137
00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:56,415
l'm running, Mama!
138
00:06:56,499 --> 00:06:58,083
l'm running like the wind !
139
00:06:58,167 --> 00:07:00,210
Slow down ! Slow down !
140
00:07:01,754 --> 00:07:03,672
(MEN YELLlNG)
141
00:07:06,592 --> 00:07:07,843
Mama!
142
00:07:15,893 --> 00:07:16,893
(MEN GROANlNG)
143
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:22,816
Chuck! Chuck,
are you all right?
144
00:07:26,737 --> 00:07:27,863
Thank God.
145
00:07:28,072 --> 00:07:29,072
(BERNlE FARTS)
146
00:07:36,581 --> 00:07:41,001
Oh, my God ! Oh, sweet Lord.
Broccoli. Oh, my God !
147
00:07:43,337 --> 00:07:46,256
They saved me, those two.
Yeah, they're my heroes.
148
00:07:46,340 --> 00:07:47,757
l like you. l love you !
149
00:07:47,842 --> 00:07:50,510
Oh, get me a hero!
l'm starving !
150
00:07:50,595 --> 00:07:52,679
Oh, get me out of here!
Bring me to a deli !
151
00:07:52,763 --> 00:07:54,097
So, how are the kids doing?
152
00:07:54,182 --> 00:07:56,183
Oh, Tori, she's great, man.
153
00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:58,810
She's playing soccer,
scoring goals.
154
00:07:58,936 --> 00:08:00,520
lt's awesome.
My man Eric?
155
00:08:00,771 --> 00:08:02,272
ls he starting
Little League yet?
156
00:08:02,356 --> 00:08:05,942
Yeah. l don't think
that's happening.
157
00:08:06,235 --> 00:08:07,402
Why not?
158
00:08:07,528 --> 00:08:12,449
(SlNGlNG)
May, me, my, mo, mo
Mo, me, my, mo, may
159
00:08:12,533 --> 00:08:14,534
Okay, Eric? That's enough.
160
00:08:14,619 --> 00:08:16,077
Sit down
and get ready for dinner.
161
00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:17,370
Okay.
162
00:08:17,455 --> 00:08:20,832
Dad, you smell like smoke.
Did you put out a fire?
163
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,084
l wasn't roasting
marshmallows.
164
00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:25,754
That's so cool.
You're so cool.
165
00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:27,547
(MlCROWAVE BEEPlNG)
166
00:08:27,632 --> 00:08:28,798
Could you help me out, Teresa,
167
00:08:28,883 --> 00:08:30,759
and just grab that spaghetti sauce
out of the microwave?
168
00:08:30,843 --> 00:08:32,385
No. l have sub-train.
169
00:08:32,470 --> 00:08:33,553
Would you please?
170
00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:36,097
l just need a hand.
l don't really know what l'm doing here.
171
00:08:36,182 --> 00:08:38,767
ls last train for 1 5 minutes.
172
00:08:39,936 --> 00:08:42,729
All right, you can go.
Oh, God.
173
00:08:43,981 --> 00:08:44,981
(EXCLAlMS)
174
00:08:45,066 --> 00:08:46,399
Oh, God.
175
00:08:47,401 --> 00:08:48,401
(GRUNTS)
176
00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:56,535
There we are, Bolognese.
177
00:08:56,619 --> 00:08:58,828
Looks more like bowl of shit.
178
00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:01,373
Yeah, thanks for all your help, Teresa.
179
00:09:01,457 --> 00:09:05,835
Okay, guys, so what is new?
180
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:09,005
l'm auditioning
for the school musical, Pippin.
181
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:14,177
You. . . You like that, huh?
The musical thing.
182
00:09:14,262 --> 00:09:17,013
Yeah, l love it.
l think it's my calling.
183
00:09:17,181 --> 00:09:19,057
That's what you said
about hopscotch.
184
00:09:19,141 --> 00:09:22,185
You're just jealous
'cause l can do the splits.
185
00:09:26,857 --> 00:09:28,942
lsn't that supposed
to hurt his testicles?
186
00:09:29,026 --> 00:09:30,110
Yes.
187
00:09:30,194 --> 00:09:31,194
You, don't talk like that.
188
00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:33,863
You, get back in your chair
and finish your hot dog salad.
189
00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:36,283
SPORTS ANNOUNCER:
...guy really wants to take the ball every day,
190
00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:38,034
and going right back
out there.
191
00:09:38,119 --> 00:09:39,786
And hits one
to deep left field!
192
00:09:39,870 --> 00:09:42,372
Dunn back,
and it's out of here!
193
00:09:42,456 --> 00:09:45,250
And the Mets now have
a six to two lead.
194
00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:46,751
Oh, boy.
195
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:48,670
(OVEN BELL DlNGlNG)
196
00:09:48,921 --> 00:09:49,963
Brownies are ready.
197
00:09:50,047 --> 00:09:51,673
Would you stop using
my Easy-Bake Oven?
198
00:09:51,757 --> 00:09:53,425
But l like to bake.
199
00:09:53,509 --> 00:09:54,509
Guys, would you settle?
200
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,261
Eric, why don't you watch
the Met game, huh?
201
00:09:56,345 --> 00:09:58,346
WOMAN: Welcome to the Municipal Employee
and Planning Department.
202
00:09:58,431 --> 00:09:59,598
Please tell me your name.
203
00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:01,975
Larry Valentine.
204
00:10:02,059 --> 00:10:04,477
l'm sorry,
l didn't quite get that.
205
00:10:04,562 --> 00:10:07,188
Larry Valentine.
206
00:10:07,773 --> 00:10:10,859
You said, "Barry Schmalenpime."
ls that right?
207
00:10:10,943 --> 00:10:12,485
Schmalenpime?
208
00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:14,613
You said, "Schmalenpime."
ls that right?
209
00:10:14,697 --> 00:10:16,698
l was enunciating.
210
00:10:16,782 --> 00:10:19,159
You said, "l was enunciating."
ls that right?
211
00:10:19,243 --> 00:10:20,243
Whoo!
212
00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:22,996
You said, "Whoo!"
ls that right?
213
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:26,333
Dad, you have to try my brownies.
They're fabulous!
214
00:10:27,668 --> 00:10:30,587
Enough with the splits!
Watch baseball !
215
00:10:34,258 --> 00:10:38,136
LARRY: Then it took 45 minutes
for this robot to stop calling me "Dairy."
216
00:10:38,220 --> 00:10:40,639
And then it starts asking me
if l'm calling from "Gooklyn."
217
00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:44,267
Look, all l'm trying to do is change
my beneficiary from my wife to my kids.
218
00:10:44,352 --> 00:10:47,729
Okay, you would have to file
a request to do that.
219
00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:50,106
Great. Let's do it.
220
00:10:50,691 --> 00:10:51,775
That's gonna take a while.
221
00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:54,069
Look, lady, l don't have a while,
all right?
222
00:10:54,153 --> 00:10:56,237
l'm a fireman.
l could die tomorrow.
223
00:10:56,781 --> 00:10:59,783
l guess if that happened,
you would be burned.
224
00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:01,618
Are you trying
to make a funny?
225
00:11:01,702 --> 00:11:03,620
Sort of.
226
00:11:04,455 --> 00:11:07,874
Anyhooser, beneficiaries can only be
changed for three events.
227
00:11:07,958 --> 00:11:09,542
Births, deaths and marriages.
228
00:11:09,627 --> 00:11:13,046
According to our records, we did
contact you when your wife passed away.
229
00:11:13,130 --> 00:11:16,216
You had a year.
You should have responded.
230
00:11:16,717 --> 00:11:19,636
Like a crazy person,
l was busy mourning the death of my wife.
231
00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:22,389
Off the record.
232
00:11:22,473 --> 00:11:24,557
l could suggest something
that's a little more simple
233
00:11:24,642 --> 00:11:27,727
and perhaps more fulfilling
to speed things up.
234
00:11:27,812 --> 00:11:29,938
That would be great.
What do. . . What do you got?
235
00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:31,398
Should you remarry,
236
00:11:31,482 --> 00:11:35,568
your new wife at that time
could be named your primary beneficiary.
237
00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:38,238
So if there's somebody special
in your life,
238
00:11:38,322 --> 00:11:41,950
l mean, who knows,
maybe even someone you just met,
239
00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:44,786
and you are ready
to make a commitment,
240
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:47,247
maybe now's the time.
241
00:11:51,794 --> 00:11:53,336
Let's go crazy.
242
00:11:57,049 --> 00:11:58,049
(SlRENS WAlLlNG)
243
00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:12,939
CHUCK: Look how pretty she is.
244
00:12:13,023 --> 00:12:14,649
Going in alive.
Coming out the same way.
245
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:15,775
All right, baby.
246
00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:16,985
Come on, bud.
247
00:12:21,031 --> 00:12:23,616
Levine, Valentine,
can we finish this secondary search
248
00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:25,660
so l can get home to my wife
and be denied sex?
249
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,912
Yeah. Absolutely.
250
00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:33,460
CHUCK: So he's auditioning
for a musical?
251
00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:35,128
LARRY: Yeah, Pippin.
252
00:12:35,212 --> 00:12:37,630
Pippen? That ain't so bad.
ls it about Scottie Pippen?
253
00:12:37,715 --> 00:12:40,425
l don't know.
He practices singing a lot.
254
00:12:40,509 --> 00:12:42,093
Hey, Sinatra sang a lot.
255
00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:43,762
Yeah, that's true.
256
00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:44,846
Better than dancing.
257
00:12:44,930 --> 00:12:47,974
Yeah, it's just when l was his age,
all l did was sports, you know?
258
00:12:48,058 --> 00:12:51,227
Maybe they'll make skipping
an Olympic event. There's still hope.
259
00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:52,729
Come on, man,
l don't have enough problems?
260
00:12:52,813 --> 00:12:54,647
Baton swallowing.
l bet he'd be great at that.
261
00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:56,316
Yeah. You're an idiot.
262
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:57,984
l'm just busting your balls.
Come on.
263
00:12:58,068 --> 00:13:01,070
Ladder 223, roof.
Secondary search negative.
264
00:13:01,155 --> 00:13:02,655
Going upstairs.
265
00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:04,991
At least the whole pension thing's
working out for you, buddy.
266
00:13:05,075 --> 00:13:07,118
Yeah. Hey, you know what?
Why don't you come back down here?
267
00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:09,496
l'll stick this pole up your ass,
turn you into a lollipop.
268
00:13:09,580 --> 00:13:11,247
CHUCK: You talking to me
or your son?
269
00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:13,833
Get down here now!
l'll give you an ass-beating !
270
00:13:13,918 --> 00:13:15,627
LARRY: l will destroy you !
271
00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:17,045
(CHUCK LAUGHlNG)
272
00:13:19,548 --> 00:13:22,842
Hey, Larry, good news.
l found you something to eat.
273
00:13:23,427 --> 00:13:24,928
Cool, man.
l will devour that.
274
00:13:25,012 --> 00:13:26,012
You what?
275
00:13:26,096 --> 00:13:28,348
All right, l'll give you 1 ,000 bucks
you eat this thing's head.
276
00:13:28,432 --> 00:13:31,601
For 1 ,000 bucks, l'll start at the ass
and work my way to the head.
277
00:13:31,685 --> 00:13:32,852
This l gotta see, baby.
278
00:13:32,937 --> 00:13:34,020
Come on.
279
00:13:34,104 --> 00:13:35,438
Nothing but net.
280
00:13:35,523 --> 00:13:36,606
Here you go, buddy.
281
00:13:37,983 --> 00:13:39,234
Chuck!
282
00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:41,945
Larry!
Chuck!
283
00:13:42,029 --> 00:13:45,490
Mayday! Mayday!
Ladder 223, firefighter down.
284
00:13:45,574 --> 00:13:48,201
Holy shit!
l dropped the rat, dude.
285
00:13:48,285 --> 00:13:50,370
We'll have to do that
another time.
286
00:13:50,454 --> 00:13:53,164
That's all right, buddy.
Just relax. Stay calm.
287
00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:54,624
(CHUCK YELLlNG)
288
00:13:54,917 --> 00:13:57,544
This thing's gonna break, man.
Get the hell out of here!
289
00:13:57,628 --> 00:14:01,464
No! Hey, man, we came in alive,
we're going out the same way. Come on !
290
00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:03,174
No! No!
291
00:14:03,634 --> 00:14:04,884
l got you !
292
00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:09,013
We got them over here!
293
00:14:10,140 --> 00:14:11,558
Chuck! Come on, man.
294
00:14:11,642 --> 00:14:12,976
Heads up!
Chuck.
295
00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:19,190
Urgent! Urgent!
Two members down !
296
00:14:19,775 --> 00:14:21,693
(FlREFlGHTERS YELLlNG)
297
00:14:24,738 --> 00:14:26,114
DOCTOR: Mr. Levine?
298
00:14:27,783 --> 00:14:29,242
Mr. Levine?
299
00:14:30,578 --> 00:14:32,620
Do you know where you are?
300
00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:36,165
Am l in a Mötley Crüe video?
'Cause you're hot.
301
00:14:37,793 --> 00:14:39,335
Honey, how's my buddy doing?
302
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:41,004
Honey?
303
00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:45,425
We're expecting
a full recovery.
304
00:14:45,509 --> 00:14:48,595
And, Mr. Levine,
please address me as "Doctor."
305
00:14:49,221 --> 00:14:51,764
Dr. Honey.
Yeah, okay, you got it.
306
00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:56,853
Chuck. What's going on, man?
307
00:14:57,605 --> 00:14:59,522
Brace yourself, Larry.
308
00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:02,692
What l'm gonna tell you
is pretty rough.
309
00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:06,863
They removed your entire body.
310
00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,991
You're nothing but a head now.
311
00:15:10,784 --> 00:15:11,784
What?
312
00:15:11,869 --> 00:15:15,455
They said that there was enough fat
in your head to rebuild you a new body,
313
00:15:15,539 --> 00:15:18,124
so they got scientists in the other room
working on it.
314
00:15:18,208 --> 00:15:19,918
God willing,
you're gonna be all right.
315
00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:21,586
You know, you're such a dick.
316
00:15:21,670 --> 00:15:24,631
What's going on is
you saved my life, man.
317
00:15:24,715 --> 00:15:26,883
l would've died
if you didn't do what you did.
318
00:15:26,967 --> 00:15:28,885
Would you stop being
so melodramatic?
319
00:15:28,969 --> 00:15:31,346
No. l owe you.
That's the code.
320
00:15:31,430 --> 00:15:33,348
Whatever you want,
whenever you want it.
321
00:15:33,432 --> 00:15:34,933
Whatever, whenever.
322
00:15:35,559 --> 00:15:37,268
Whatever?
Yes.
323
00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:38,353
l'll take that rat.
324
00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:40,563
You want to find that rat for me?
'Cause l'm hungry as hell.
325
00:15:40,648 --> 00:15:42,482
Hi, Dad.
Eric.
326
00:15:42,566 --> 00:15:44,525
Tori. Hey, guys, come on in.
327
00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:45,818
They called me out of class,
328
00:15:45,903 --> 00:15:49,739
and nobody would tell me for, like,
a really long time what was wrong.
329
00:15:49,823 --> 00:15:50,990
Did you die?
330
00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:52,659
Oh, no, Daddy's fine, buddy.
331
00:15:52,743 --> 00:15:54,327
l could go home right now
if l wanted to.
332
00:15:54,411 --> 00:15:58,665
l'm only staying here because your
Uncle Chuck, he's afraid to sleep alone.
333
00:15:58,749 --> 00:16:01,876
lt's true, Eric. lf he don't sleep with me,
then l gotta sleep with Dr. Honey.
334
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:05,463
And you never know with Dr. Honey
what kind of mood she's gonna be in.
335
00:16:05,547 --> 00:16:06,965
What are you, six years old?
336
00:16:07,049 --> 00:16:09,759
Hey, where you going? Come here.
Lay down next to me.
337
00:16:09,843 --> 00:16:12,261
l'll split a Vicodin with you.
We'll have some fun.
338
00:16:12,346 --> 00:16:14,055
Come on.
You little tease.
339
00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:16,057
Dr. Honey.
Dr. Honey.
340
00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:19,018
Sweetie, what's the matter?
Come here. lt's okay.
341
00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:22,522
This is the same hospital.
You know. Mom.
342
00:16:24,274 --> 00:16:25,817
(TORl CRYlNG)
343
00:16:28,904 --> 00:16:31,364
l'm not gonna leave you.
You hear me?
344
00:16:32,116 --> 00:16:33,408
l'm never gonna leave you.
345
00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:38,830
LARRY: l'm quitting
the department.
346
00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:40,373
Get out of here, man.
347
00:16:40,457 --> 00:16:43,876
No, Renaldo's cousin's got
an Acura dealership down in Trenton.
348
00:16:43,961 --> 00:16:46,087
You want to sell cars?
Acuras?
349
00:16:46,171 --> 00:16:47,380
l don't want to.
350
00:16:47,464 --> 00:16:50,174
Every time l run into a fire,
where's my head gonna be?
351
00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:53,136
l'm all my kids got left.
lf l die. . .
352
00:16:54,930 --> 00:16:56,556
Just don't wanna
leave them with nothing.
353
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:59,017
Your father was a fireman.
His father was a fireman.
354
00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:01,102
You are a fireman, man.
355
00:17:01,186 --> 00:17:05,231
One of the best Brooklyn's ever seen.
That's it. You can't do nothing else.
356
00:17:05,315 --> 00:17:06,983
l don't think l have
any other choice.
357
00:17:07,067 --> 00:17:08,943
We'll come up with something,
all right?
358
00:17:09,111 --> 00:17:10,403
Come on, l promise you.
359
00:17:10,487 --> 00:17:11,738
WOMAN 1 : Oh, poor Charlie.
360
00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:13,156
Hey, there are my girls.
361
00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:15,158
How are you?
How you doing?
Oh, my leg hurts.
362
00:17:15,242 --> 00:17:16,284
How are you feeling?
363
00:17:16,368 --> 00:17:17,493
My leg.
364
00:17:17,578 --> 00:17:19,120
Oh, God.
We got different lives.
365
00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:21,748
l need some help out of here.
All right, Chuck's doing all right.
366
00:17:21,832 --> 00:17:22,790
Let's get in here.
367
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,584
Hey, who wants to massage
my ass muscles?
368
00:17:24,668 --> 00:17:25,668
WOMAN 2: Me!
WOMAN 3: Me!
369
00:17:52,196 --> 00:17:53,571
(DOORBELL RlNGS)
370
00:17:54,615 --> 00:17:55,782
Larry.
371
00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:57,950
What time is it?
4:00.
372
00:17:58,035 --> 00:18:00,578
l saved your life, and you said you owed me.
You remember that?
373
00:18:00,662 --> 00:18:01,621
Yeah, you saved my life.
374
00:18:01,705 --> 00:18:03,372
Then you got me out of bed
at 4:00 in the morning.
375
00:18:03,457 --> 00:18:04,499
We're even. That's great.
Look.
376
00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:06,084
Hey, look, l'm just gonna
throw something out here,
377
00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:07,710
and it's gonna sound
a little bit crazy.
378
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:09,587
You're getting
a breast reduction.
No, shut up.
379
00:18:09,671 --> 00:18:11,589
No, look, l figured out
how to solve this pension problem,
380
00:18:11,673 --> 00:18:13,216
and l don't have to
quit the Department.
381
00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:14,300
Great. How?
382
00:18:14,384 --> 00:18:15,635
What we're gonna do is
we're gonna set things up
383
00:18:15,719 --> 00:18:17,678
so that you inherit
my benefits if l die.
384
00:18:17,763 --> 00:18:20,014
That way you'll be the one
responsible for Eric and Tori.
385
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,433
Absolutely. That's a great idea.
How do we do that?
386
00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:25,436
Yeah. Domestic partnership.
387
00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:28,356
CHUCK: Domestic partnership.
388
00:18:28,816 --> 00:18:30,525
You mean like faggots?
No.
389
00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:32,318
l mean, yeah,
but, no, not us, obviously.
390
00:18:32,402 --> 00:18:35,571
No, no, not, you know. . .
lt's just on paper, really.
391
00:18:35,656 --> 00:18:36,989
Paper faggots?
392
00:18:37,074 --> 00:18:40,451
Okay, look,
the accepted vernacular is "gay," but, yeah.
393
00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:42,453
l'm gonna get
something to drink.
394
00:18:42,538 --> 00:18:43,621
All right.
395
00:18:49,545 --> 00:18:50,545
Right.
396
00:18:56,343 --> 00:18:57,385
l'm gonna have to pass.
397
00:18:57,469 --> 00:18:58,511
You can't!
398
00:18:58,595 --> 00:19:01,347
Why don't you pay some chick to marry you
if you need this set-up?
399
00:19:01,431 --> 00:19:03,516
Some chick? Like who?
Give me the phone.
400
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:05,434
l know plenty of chicks
who could use the cash.
401
00:19:05,519 --> 00:19:07,019
What do you want? A blonde?
A Puerto Rican?
402
00:19:07,104 --> 00:19:09,522
l'll get you a heavy girl.
She'll make you feel better about yourself.
403
00:19:09,606 --> 00:19:12,233
Hey, it doesn't matter.
l don't have any extra cash.
404
00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:14,527
Look, man,
you're the only person l can trust.
405
00:19:14,611 --> 00:19:16,988
Hey, you know who you could trust?
Your maid, Teresa.
406
00:19:17,072 --> 00:19:18,364
She steals!
407
00:19:18,448 --> 00:19:20,366
She steals?
Why don't you fire her?
408
00:19:20,450 --> 00:19:22,535
l'm afraid. l think she's into voodoo.
l don't know.
409
00:19:22,619 --> 00:19:24,245
Oh, God.
Look, this is the only way
410
00:19:24,329 --> 00:19:27,373
l can keep doing what l do
and make sure my kids are protected.
411
00:19:27,457 --> 00:19:30,251
Larry, look at us.
We're not gay.
412
00:19:30,335 --> 00:19:31,627
But if we were gay,
don't you think
413
00:19:31,712 --> 00:19:33,880
l'd be with someone
a little hotter-looking than you?
414
00:19:33,964 --> 00:19:36,048
l'm Mr. February,
for God's sake.
415
00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:40,261
lt would be like the prom king
fooling around with a tuba player.
416
00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:41,637
Oh, great, l play tuba.
417
00:19:41,722 --> 00:19:43,264
Larry, l love you,
418
00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:45,892
but l'm not in love with you,
if that makes any sense.
419
00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:47,643
l still wanna be friends.
420
00:19:47,728 --> 00:19:50,229
All right, do me a favor.
Just picture this, please. All right?
421
00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:51,939
You're at my funeral
422
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:54,233
and you're looking for my kids,
but they're not there.
423
00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:56,068
'Cause they're in some factory
in Bangladesh
424
00:19:56,153 --> 00:19:58,821
making sneakers
for six cents an hour.
425
00:19:59,406 --> 00:20:03,159
And you go home to nail some chick
you met at my gravesite.
426
00:20:03,243 --> 00:20:06,412
And you look up,
and right there in your window
427
00:20:06,955 --> 00:20:08,456
are my kids.
428
00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:10,917
They're just tapping
on the glass.
429
00:20:11,001 --> 00:20:14,462
And they have tears
just streaming down their faces.
430
00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:19,175
You think of that
and now you give me your answer.
431
00:20:21,011 --> 00:20:23,304
How are they tapping on my window
if they're in Bangladesh?
432
00:20:23,388 --> 00:20:26,140
Oh, my God. You're. . .
You're not following me here.
433
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:28,017
Yeah, l'm serious.
Chuck?
434
00:20:28,101 --> 00:20:30,353
Thirsty. Do you have
anything to drink?
435
00:20:30,437 --> 00:20:33,022
Yeah, there's Gatorade
in the fridge.
436
00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:36,776
The girls are here.
The girls, they want the Gatorade.
437
00:20:36,860 --> 00:20:38,486
CHUCK: Oh, they're thirsty.
438
00:20:38,570 --> 00:20:39,946
Larry, Larry, watch this.
439
00:20:40,030 --> 00:20:43,199
Hey, girls,
actually it's down low, the Gatorade.
440
00:20:43,283 --> 00:20:44,283
(WOMEN MURMURlNG)
441
00:20:44,743 --> 00:20:46,285
l can't be gay, Larry.
442
00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:48,996
l could be a lesbian for you,
but that's about it.
443
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:53,292
l am so lonely in here.
Hurry up, Chuck.
444
00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:55,628
Dr. Honey! Dr. Honey.
You know Dr. Honey.
445
00:20:56,046 --> 00:20:57,380
Yeah, l do.
446
00:20:58,006 --> 00:21:00,174
How are you feeling,
Mr. Valentine?
447
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:01,968
lt's still stiff
when l go to the right.
448
00:21:02,052 --> 00:21:03,052
DOCTOR: That's normal.
449
00:21:03,136 --> 00:21:04,929
Hey, who untied you?
450
00:21:06,390 --> 00:21:08,641
What? What?
We have rules around here, girls.
451
00:21:08,725 --> 00:21:09,725
(WOMEN SHRlEKlNG)
452
00:21:09,810 --> 00:21:11,811
Specific orders, girls.
453
00:21:11,895 --> 00:21:14,605
Now l'm gonna go
Charlie Chaplin on your ass!
454
00:21:14,690 --> 00:21:17,316
Here, use the cane.
Use it! Use it!
455
00:21:17,401 --> 00:21:19,110
Whap them, whap them !
456
00:21:19,361 --> 00:21:21,153
You. . . You're just
an animal, man.
457
00:21:21,238 --> 00:21:23,489
l'm not an animal.
l am a whore.
458
00:21:23,907 --> 00:21:26,909
You don't want to marry the town whore.
Believe me, you're better than that.
459
00:21:26,994 --> 00:21:31,080
What l'm talking about is no more involved
than co-signing a loan or joining a gym.
460
00:21:31,164 --> 00:21:32,790
How do we know no one's
gonna find out about this?
461
00:21:32,874 --> 00:21:35,501
Because privacy laws
are super strict nowadays.
462
00:21:35,585 --> 00:21:38,546
Look, all we gotta do is just forward
your mail to my house for a while.
463
00:21:38,630 --> 00:21:39,755
That's it.
464
00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:41,590
Oh, l don't know.
465
00:21:41,675 --> 00:21:43,759
l saved your life, bitch.
466
00:21:46,096 --> 00:21:47,388
Partners?
467
00:21:48,473 --> 00:21:49,682
Partners.
468
00:21:49,766 --> 00:21:50,766
Shake on it?
469
00:21:51,685 --> 00:21:54,103
CHUCK: You should've
let me die, asshole.
470
00:22:11,830 --> 00:22:14,081
You're partners now, fellas.
471
00:22:21,673 --> 00:22:23,341
Teresa brought in the mail.
472
00:22:23,467 --> 00:22:25,509
That's a first. Me.
473
00:22:25,886 --> 00:22:28,179
Chuck. That's me.
474
00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:36,854
Chuck.
475
00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:38,731
What the hell?
476
00:22:39,358 --> 00:22:42,443
Chuck.
477
00:22:43,362 --> 00:22:46,864
You gotta be kidding me.
They send these things blown up now?
478
00:22:46,948 --> 00:22:48,866
ls that doll for me?
479
00:22:49,659 --> 00:22:51,243
No, no, no, sweetheart.
No, it's for me.
480
00:22:51,328 --> 00:22:53,954
lt's a. . . lt's a training doll.
You know, for CPR.
481
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:56,832
They're testing us again,
you know, to make sure.
482
00:22:56,917 --> 00:22:58,042
You remember Daddy
did the testing?
483
00:22:58,126 --> 00:23:00,544
You make sure the passageway
is clear, and you. . .
484
00:23:01,046 --> 00:23:02,546
To see if they're breathing.
485
00:23:02,631 --> 00:23:04,507
Sweetheart, go to your room, please.
Go to your room, okay?
486
00:23:04,591 --> 00:23:07,802
lt's for me. She's fine.
She's fine. We're dancing.
487
00:23:08,053 --> 00:23:09,053
Whoa.
488
00:23:11,848 --> 00:23:14,642
TUCKER: Fire under control.
All units ten-eight, ten-eight.
489
00:23:15,185 --> 00:23:16,477
Great to have you back, Larry.
490
00:23:16,561 --> 00:23:18,312
Great to be back, Captain.
491
00:23:18,397 --> 00:23:23,442
Captain ! Found out what started the fire,
an old-fashioned doobie.
492
00:23:23,527 --> 00:23:26,779
Hey, brother, that's my weed.
Can l get that back?
493
00:23:26,863 --> 00:23:28,364
You want this back?
494
00:23:28,448 --> 00:23:32,034
l can't give you it back. But you know what?
l got something better for you.
495
00:23:36,206 --> 00:23:37,665
Whoa, man !
496
00:23:39,251 --> 00:23:40,251
Do that again.
497
00:23:41,211 --> 00:23:42,378
He likes it.
498
00:23:43,839 --> 00:23:45,423
All right, enjoy it.
499
00:23:45,507 --> 00:23:47,716
Hey, man. Looks like
a powdered donut.
500
00:23:47,884 --> 00:23:48,884
(MAN YELLlNG)
501
00:23:48,969 --> 00:23:50,594
(FlREFlGHTERS LAUGHlNG)
502
00:23:52,889 --> 00:23:54,306
(LARRY HUMMlNG)
503
00:23:58,437 --> 00:23:59,437
Mr. Valentine?
504
00:23:59,521 --> 00:24:00,646
Yeah.
505
00:24:00,730 --> 00:24:04,066
Hi. l'm Glen Aldrich
from the Pension Department.
506
00:24:04,151 --> 00:24:07,194
l'd like to talk to you about
your recently filed domestic partnership.
507
00:24:09,906 --> 00:24:11,198
(LARRY GRUNTlNG)
508
00:24:13,076 --> 00:24:14,160
Hey.
509
00:24:14,494 --> 00:24:16,203
Are you okay?
No, yeah, no, l'm fine.
510
00:24:16,288 --> 00:24:20,416
That's how l always get down,
'cause it's just faster. You know. Steps.
511
00:24:20,500 --> 00:24:23,377
ls your partner home?
A Mr. Charles Levine?
512
00:24:23,462 --> 00:24:24,879
No, he. . .
513
00:24:25,464 --> 00:24:28,090
How did you. . .
How did you find out that that we were. . .
514
00:24:28,175 --> 00:24:29,341
lt's standard procedure.
515
00:24:29,426 --> 00:24:32,136
You see, when a previously
registered portfolio shifts over
516
00:24:32,220 --> 00:24:34,889
to a domestic partnership filing
in the insurance log,
517
00:24:34,973 --> 00:24:37,808
there's an information sharing system
that notifies us of the adjustment
518
00:24:37,893 --> 00:24:39,185
to make sure
it's not a mistake.
519
00:24:39,269 --> 00:24:41,729
Why do you ask?
Were you keeping your partnership secret?
520
00:24:41,813 --> 00:24:43,606
Secret? What, are you kidding me?
Hell, no.
521
00:24:43,690 --> 00:24:45,357
No, we're telling everybody.
lt's a party.
522
00:24:45,442 --> 00:24:46,734
Telling everybody what?
523
00:24:46,818 --> 00:24:48,527
Hey, butt out, Ron.
524
00:24:48,612 --> 00:24:49,904
Come over here.
525
00:24:51,990 --> 00:24:55,034
l hope you don't think we have any reason
to doubt your situation, Mr. Valentine,
526
00:24:55,118 --> 00:24:57,953
but the sad truth is some people
have used homosexual lifestyles
527
00:24:58,038 --> 00:25:00,372
as a cover to reap
illegal benefits.
528
00:25:00,457 --> 00:25:01,457
LARRY: Wow.
529
00:25:02,918 --> 00:25:04,001
GLEN: Who's that?
530
00:25:04,127 --> 00:25:06,086
That's Paula.
She's my late wife.
531
00:25:07,088 --> 00:25:08,756
So you haven't
always been gay.
532
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:12,718
No. l'm newly gay.
533
00:25:13,470 --> 00:25:16,639
When. . . When she died,
l knew l'd never find another woman
534
00:25:16,723 --> 00:25:18,724
who'd make me as happy,
535
00:25:19,809 --> 00:25:22,061
and that's when l boarded
the dude train.
536
00:25:22,145 --> 00:25:23,145
(DOORBELL RlNGlNG)
537
00:25:23,230 --> 00:25:24,313
Will you excuse me one second?
538
00:25:24,397 --> 00:25:25,481
Sure.
539
00:25:26,650 --> 00:25:29,235
Hey, homo, you see the moon balloons
on that chick?
540
00:25:29,319 --> 00:25:31,612
They're a jiggle away
from falling out.
541
00:25:31,696 --> 00:25:34,406
Oh, Chuck, don't tell me
you lost your key again, sweetheart.
542
00:25:34,491 --> 00:25:35,574
What key?
543
00:25:35,659 --> 00:25:39,912
Baby! How about a free show?
Why don't you shake them for me?
544
00:25:39,996 --> 00:25:43,207
Oh, you mean Ron, the mailman.
Yeah, Ron, you look great, man !
545
00:25:43,291 --> 00:25:45,501
Love the moon balloons.
Shake them ! Shake them !
546
00:25:45,585 --> 00:25:47,836
Hey, Chuck,
come on in here a minute.
547
00:25:48,630 --> 00:25:52,591
This is Glen Aldrich from the Penis. . .
The Pension Department.
548
00:25:52,676 --> 00:25:54,593
Our Pension Department.
549
00:25:55,679 --> 00:25:56,679
Hi.
550
00:25:57,222 --> 00:25:59,515
Oh, hey.
Yeah.
551
00:25:59,599 --> 00:26:03,310
He. . . He knows about our partnership,
and he's just here checking up on us,
552
00:26:03,395 --> 00:26:07,481
making sure we're not running
a scam to collect illegal benefits.
553
00:26:07,941 --> 00:26:11,026
People do that?
What is with the world?
554
00:26:11,111 --> 00:26:12,236
Yeah.
555
00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:13,737
lt just makes me so sad
556
00:26:13,822 --> 00:26:16,782
and gay to think
of that kind of. . .
557
00:26:16,866 --> 00:26:18,117
Yeah.
. . .behavior.
558
00:26:18,201 --> 00:26:19,326
LARRY: Yeah.
559
00:26:19,411 --> 00:26:23,414
l just want to go to my room right now
and listen to Boy George records.
560
00:26:23,498 --> 00:26:24,540
Calm down.
561
00:26:24,624 --> 00:26:28,294
So you've moved your relationship
to the next level. How's it been going?
562
00:26:28,378 --> 00:26:33,716
Oh, great. We've just been having sex
with each other all the time.
563
00:26:33,842 --> 00:26:35,217
Loads of sex.
564
00:26:35,302 --> 00:26:36,510
Gay crazy sex.
565
00:26:36,595 --> 00:26:38,971
Man on man.
Loving every minute of it.
566
00:26:39,055 --> 00:26:42,016
Yeah, balls and wieners all the way.
Right here.
567
00:26:42,100 --> 00:26:43,142
Oh, yeah.
568
00:26:43,226 --> 00:26:45,477
Well, l won't take up
any more of your time.
569
00:26:45,562 --> 00:26:46,770
Bring the funk.
570
00:26:48,148 --> 00:26:49,732
Okay, thank you.
571
00:26:49,941 --> 00:26:51,025
LARRY: So that's it?
572
00:26:51,109 --> 00:26:54,028
You don't. . . You don't have
any other questions for us or. . .
573
00:26:54,112 --> 00:26:56,947
Oh, no. No, that's not really
how we do it.
574
00:26:57,032 --> 00:27:00,242
You see, if my report says l thought
something was out of the ordinary,
575
00:27:00,327 --> 00:27:02,661
then the department assigns
a special investigator,
576
00:27:02,746 --> 00:27:04,622
and he or she'll just drop in
from time to time
577
00:27:04,706 --> 00:27:06,874
unannounced over the next three
or four months.
578
00:27:07,083 --> 00:27:08,083
No big deal.
579
00:27:08,668 --> 00:27:11,170
Let me. . . Just asking
was there anything that you saw
580
00:27:11,254 --> 00:27:13,547
that was out of the ordinary or. . .
581
00:27:14,090 --> 00:27:16,383
Oh, l can't tell you that.
All right, have a great day.
582
00:27:16,468 --> 00:27:17,885
Oh, we will.
583
00:27:18,011 --> 00:27:19,178
(WHOOPS)
584
00:27:20,847 --> 00:27:22,264
Nice seeing you.
Take care.
585
00:27:22,349 --> 00:27:23,474
Nice seeing you.
586
00:27:23,558 --> 00:27:24,892
CHUCK: We love your pants,
by the way. Very nice.
587
00:27:24,976 --> 00:27:26,727
We do.
Are those wrinkle-free?
588
00:27:26,811 --> 00:27:27,936
l think they are.
They look great!
589
00:27:28,021 --> 00:27:29,271
CHUCK: Snazzy!
590
00:27:29,356 --> 00:27:31,357
Yeah, no one's gonna
find out about us, l thought.
591
00:27:31,441 --> 00:27:33,734
Well. . . Yes!
592
00:27:33,818 --> 00:27:35,444
He likes it rough.
Yeah.
593
00:27:35,528 --> 00:27:36,570
Bye-bye.
CHUCK: Take care.
594
00:27:36,655 --> 00:27:37,696
Bye-bye now. Take care. Okay.
595
00:27:37,781 --> 00:27:39,031
You made a promise to me.
596
00:27:39,115 --> 00:27:40,115
All right, we're gonna
have sex now.
597
00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:41,325
Okay. We are.
598
00:27:41,409 --> 00:27:42,368
Sex now.
Here we go!
599
00:27:42,452 --> 00:27:43,452
BOTH: Whoo!
600
00:27:46,081 --> 00:27:48,040
Why are we even seeing
this lawyer guy?
601
00:27:48,124 --> 00:27:50,250
l just want to find out
how much trouble we're in here.
602
00:27:50,335 --> 00:27:52,211
Maybe it's, you know,
no big deal.
603
00:27:52,295 --> 00:27:53,879
This guy'll be able
to tell us.
604
00:27:54,422 --> 00:27:56,882
Here, just give me your hand.
605
00:27:56,966 --> 00:27:58,884
Maybe we should
just be snuggling a little bit.
606
00:27:58,968 --> 00:28:00,052
You mean to look. . .
607
00:28:00,136 --> 00:28:01,470
Yeah, just a little bit like, you know.
608
00:28:01,554 --> 00:28:02,596
Yeah, that's good.
609
00:28:02,681 --> 00:28:04,598
Does this work, too?
Get away from me.
610
00:28:25,495 --> 00:28:27,162
(CHUCK'S HEART BEATlNG)
611
00:28:31,543 --> 00:28:33,127
(LARRY'S STOMACH GRUMBLlNG)
612
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:44,763
Alex McDonough.
613
00:28:44,973 --> 00:28:47,391
LARRY: Nice to meet you.
614
00:28:52,564 --> 00:28:53,731
Nice to meet you.
615
00:28:53,815 --> 00:28:55,482
Yeah, meet to nice you.
616
00:28:56,067 --> 00:28:57,443
What was that, Japanese?
617
00:28:57,527 --> 00:28:59,069
What? What are you
talking about?
618
00:28:59,154 --> 00:29:00,446
(lMlTATlNG JAPANESE ACCENT)
Meet to nice you.
619
00:29:00,530 --> 00:29:02,239
No, no, no, l didn't do that.
620
00:29:02,323 --> 00:29:03,866
You did. He did say it.
621
00:29:03,950 --> 00:29:05,159
You did.
622
00:29:05,243 --> 00:29:06,285
Okay.
623
00:29:06,369 --> 00:29:07,661
Okay, just come on in.
624
00:29:07,746 --> 00:29:09,538
Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
625
00:29:09,748 --> 00:29:11,457
(SPEAKlNG lN PSEUDO JAPANESE)
626
00:29:11,666 --> 00:29:14,793
So my assistant says
that your domestic partnership
627
00:29:14,878 --> 00:29:16,545
is being challenged
by the city.
628
00:29:16,629 --> 00:29:20,466
Well, not exactly challenged yet,
but they're definitely sniffing around.
629
00:29:20,550 --> 00:29:22,342
Home visit?
Yeah.
630
00:29:22,427 --> 00:29:23,635
You're being targeted.
631
00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:24,970
Targeted?
632
00:29:25,054 --> 00:29:27,598
lt's like an audit.
Who did they send?
633
00:29:27,682 --> 00:29:30,142
lt was a Glen somebody.
634
00:29:30,226 --> 00:29:31,769
Probably the initial interviewer.
635
00:29:31,853 --> 00:29:35,314
But if you get a follow-up from
a funny little guy named Clint Fitzer,
636
00:29:35,398 --> 00:29:37,149
then we've got real trouble.
637
00:29:37,233 --> 00:29:40,319
Yeah, the city's really been cracking down
ever since the Bensley case.
638
00:29:40,403 --> 00:29:41,487
What's that?
639
00:29:41,571 --> 00:29:47,159
Well, in Colorado, a heterosexual
government employee married his gay friend
640
00:29:47,243 --> 00:29:50,913
so the friend could be covered
under Bensley's health insurance.
641
00:29:50,997 --> 00:29:52,289
The state found out about it,
642
00:29:52,373 --> 00:29:55,167
fired Bensley and prosecuted them both
for fraud.
643
00:29:55,251 --> 00:29:57,044
Really?
Oh, yeah.
644
00:29:57,128 --> 00:29:59,838
l mean, these people needed
to be made an example of.
645
00:29:59,923 --> 00:30:03,217
l mean, gays and lesbians have not
been fighting for these rights for 40 years
646
00:30:03,301 --> 00:30:04,843
to be made a mockery of.
647
00:30:04,928 --> 00:30:06,178
But you guys have
nothing to worry about
648
00:30:06,262 --> 00:30:08,680
because you're
a legitimate gay couple, right?
649
00:30:08,765 --> 00:30:11,767
Oh, yeah, we're. . .
No, we're big-time fruits.
650
00:30:13,102 --> 00:30:16,355
l used to wrestle in high school,
and l loved it.
651
00:30:16,940 --> 00:30:18,106
Okay.
652
00:30:19,067 --> 00:30:21,151
Curiosity kicking up again.
653
00:30:21,945 --> 00:30:25,030
What exactly did they get,
the hetero bastards?
654
00:30:26,115 --> 00:30:29,785
Well, Bensley got five years
and his gay friend got three.
655
00:30:30,578 --> 00:30:33,413
And a coworker of Bensley's
got 1 8 months.
656
00:30:33,957 --> 00:30:35,249
Why? What did he do?
657
00:30:35,333 --> 00:30:38,710
Well, Bensley told him what was going on
and he never reported it to the authorities,
658
00:30:38,795 --> 00:30:43,507
so he was convicted of obstructing justice
and conspiracy to commit fraud.
659
00:30:44,551 --> 00:30:46,218
Pretty rough, huh?
660
00:30:46,553 --> 00:30:51,139
When l used to climb the rope in gym class,
l wished it was a guy.
661
00:30:53,852 --> 00:30:55,811
Well, there is a secret weapon
662
00:30:55,895 --> 00:30:58,397
that really might help get these guys
off your back.
663
00:30:58,523 --> 00:31:00,107
Oh, good.
Oh, great.
Well, we love secrets.
664
00:31:00,191 --> 00:31:01,483
Yeah, we do them
all the time. Yeah.
665
00:31:01,568 --> 00:31:02,568
(BOTH PRETENDlNG TO WHlSPER)
666
00:31:02,694 --> 00:31:04,903
Oh, yeah.
Oh, l won't tell anyone.
667
00:31:04,988 --> 00:31:05,946
Nobody tells.
668
00:31:06,030 --> 00:31:08,740
That was a key he was throwing away,
that's what that was.
669
00:31:08,825 --> 00:31:10,158
Leave a trail.
670
00:31:10,243 --> 00:31:11,577
You know,
the strongest evidence
671
00:31:11,661 --> 00:31:14,079
for genuinely demonstrating
a domestic partnership
672
00:31:14,163 --> 00:31:16,790
is to take a quick drive
on up to Canada
673
00:31:16,875 --> 00:31:18,667
and legitimize
your relationship.
674
00:31:18,918 --> 00:31:20,043
Legitimize?
675
00:31:20,128 --> 00:31:21,336
Get married.
676
00:31:22,005 --> 00:31:23,422
Marry Larry?
677
00:31:34,893 --> 00:31:36,310
CHUCK: All right,
where do two guys get married?
678
00:31:36,394 --> 00:31:38,770
What do we got here?
Wedding Balls.
679
00:31:39,522 --> 00:31:41,732
l Do, l Do Love Clay Aiken.
680
00:31:41,816 --> 00:31:43,317
Great Rear Endings.
681
00:31:44,527 --> 00:31:46,194
Till Dicks Do Us Part.
682
00:31:46,571 --> 00:31:49,114
Where are we gonna do this,
sweetheart?
683
00:31:49,198 --> 00:31:50,616
What's the matter?
You getting cold nuts?
684
00:31:50,700 --> 00:31:54,536
No, no. lt's just Paula always
wanted to go to Niagara Falls,
685
00:31:55,204 --> 00:31:57,205
and l never got the chance to take her,
you know?
686
00:31:57,290 --> 00:32:00,292
You were great to her.
lt's been three years already, man.
687
00:32:00,376 --> 00:32:02,794
Just, just. . .
She would want you to be happy.
688
00:32:02,879 --> 00:32:04,588
She would want you to move on
with your life,
689
00:32:04,672 --> 00:32:06,632
find somebody new,
l'm telling you.
690
00:32:06,716 --> 00:32:09,301
You know what?
l did find somebody new.
691
00:32:09,469 --> 00:32:10,719
And l'm marrying him today.
692
00:32:10,803 --> 00:32:13,055
Oh, yeah. What a lucky girl.
693
00:32:13,723 --> 00:32:15,015
Queers.
694
00:32:15,099 --> 00:32:16,808
What was that?
What was that?
695
00:32:16,893 --> 00:32:19,144
(STAMMERlNG)
l said tears.
696
00:32:19,228 --> 00:32:21,229
Your love for each other
brings tears to my eyes.
697
00:32:21,356 --> 00:32:22,689
That's what l thought
you said, buddy.
Yeah. Yeah.
698
00:32:22,774 --> 00:32:23,982
Better watch what you say,
my friend.
699
00:32:24,067 --> 00:32:25,108
Why don't you
just drive the car?
700
00:32:25,193 --> 00:32:26,777
LARRY: Doug Henning.
What the hell you think you're doing?
701
00:32:26,903 --> 00:32:28,320
You want a Brooklyn beating,
moron?
Magic shoes. Yeah?
702
00:32:28,404 --> 00:32:30,072
You want to get him nuts?
Yeah? Smacked around?
703
00:32:30,156 --> 00:32:32,741
Then shut your mouth.
Don't, please.
704
00:32:34,911 --> 00:32:35,953
Faggots.
705
00:32:36,037 --> 00:32:37,955
All right, that's it, my man.
What's that, you son of a bitch?
706
00:32:38,081 --> 00:32:39,206
Grab the wheel.
Grab the wheel.
Hold him down !
707
00:32:39,290 --> 00:32:40,290
Hey, l'm sorry!
708
00:32:40,375 --> 00:32:41,583
LARRY: Hold him down, and l will. . .
709
00:32:41,668 --> 00:32:43,710
CHUCK: Come and drive now, moron !
Hey, the wheel, man !
710
00:32:43,795 --> 00:32:44,836
l'm sorry!
Chuck, hold him.
711
00:32:44,921 --> 00:32:46,088
Yeah ! Yeah !
712
00:32:48,508 --> 00:32:50,092
LARRY: Get him ! Hold him down !
713
00:32:50,218 --> 00:32:51,718
(CAB DRlVER YELLNG)
714
00:32:52,261 --> 00:32:53,887
(VACUUM CLEANER RUNNlNG)
715
00:33:00,061 --> 00:33:01,353
(SPEAKlNG JAPANESE)
716
00:33:03,231 --> 00:33:05,649
Suki ! Stupid cow. Sorry.
717
00:33:05,817 --> 00:33:07,484
Hey, may l help you?
718
00:33:07,568 --> 00:33:09,945
Yes, we're. . . We're. . .
719
00:33:10,697 --> 00:33:12,030
Gay?
720
00:33:12,115 --> 00:33:14,491
Yeah, we're marrying
each other.
721
00:33:14,575 --> 00:33:17,285
Gay. Civil or religious?
722
00:33:17,370 --> 00:33:18,787
Religious.
723
00:33:19,455 --> 00:33:21,248
l'm Jewish.
l don't wanna piss my mother off.
724
00:33:21,332 --> 00:33:23,709
l'm Catholic.
l don't want to piss Mel Gibson off.
725
00:33:23,793 --> 00:33:25,377
Come on.
726
00:33:25,461 --> 00:33:28,547
Religious is more expensive.
We have to hire a clergyman.
727
00:33:28,631 --> 00:33:30,674
Look, you know what?
We'll just do civil then, okay?
728
00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:32,801
Will you at least
wear a yarmulke?
Yeah, okay, sure.
729
00:33:32,885 --> 00:33:33,885
lt's important.
730
00:33:33,970 --> 00:33:34,970
Yeah, l will.
731
00:33:35,096 --> 00:33:39,182
We want a traditional wedding, too,
one with a lot of photographs for evidence.
732
00:33:40,977 --> 00:33:43,353
Evidence for our future children,
733
00:33:43,438 --> 00:33:45,355
so they can see
what a beautiful chapel this is.
734
00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:46,523
Yeah.
735
00:33:47,191 --> 00:33:48,525
That's nice.
736
00:33:48,609 --> 00:33:50,402
l think Chubb Rock needs a dress.
Am l right?
737
00:33:50,486 --> 00:33:52,070
That's okay. No, l'm fine. No.
Come on. No?
738
00:33:52,155 --> 00:33:54,489
Okay. What size?
Five times XL?
739
00:33:55,408 --> 00:33:57,075
No, no. That's. . .
That's fine, really. l'm. . .
740
00:33:57,160 --> 00:33:59,911
You know what l'm gonna do?
l'm gonna go with a tux like Liza Minnelli.
741
00:33:59,996 --> 00:34:01,496
l saw her wear one
at the Oscars and it's just been. . .
742
00:34:01,581 --> 00:34:03,206
At least have garter belts
underneath, please?
743
00:34:03,291 --> 00:34:04,291
Okay.
744
00:34:04,375 --> 00:34:08,628
You will need to have a witness.
We can supply one for $1 00.
745
00:34:08,713 --> 00:34:11,548
Hundred doll hairs?
That's a lot of doll hairs.
746
00:34:11,966 --> 00:34:13,175
Come again?
747
00:34:13,259 --> 00:34:14,885
Do dolls come
with that many hairs?
748
00:34:14,969 --> 00:34:16,094
Doll hairs, like dollars.
749
00:34:16,179 --> 00:34:17,637
Doll hairs?
750
00:34:19,140 --> 00:34:21,892
Yeah. Yeah, he likes that.
751
00:34:23,519 --> 00:34:25,645
l had never heard that one.
752
00:34:28,191 --> 00:34:30,942
Okay, sorry, sorry.
Can l write that down?
753
00:34:31,027 --> 00:34:32,861
Yeah, go ahead.
754
00:34:33,237 --> 00:34:35,447
We'll. . . We'll get our own witness,
by the way, so. . .
755
00:34:35,531 --> 00:34:36,782
Yeah.
Don't worry about that.
756
00:34:36,866 --> 00:34:38,700
Will you be needing a room?
757
00:34:38,785 --> 00:34:39,951
What?
A loom?
758
00:34:40,036 --> 00:34:42,412
For romantic time together.
759
00:34:46,084 --> 00:34:48,085
Whoa, whoa.
No, no, we're good. We. . .
No. . .
760
00:34:48,169 --> 00:34:49,544
We'll take two looms,
by the way.
761
00:34:49,629 --> 00:34:52,005
Yeah. We're old-fashioned.
762
00:34:52,840 --> 00:34:54,216
That's very nice.
763
00:34:54,300 --> 00:34:55,425
(SPEAKlNG JAPANESE)
764
00:34:55,718 --> 00:34:59,054
l will give you key
in case you want to sneak.
765
00:34:59,263 --> 00:35:01,014
That's okay.
Yeah.
766
00:35:01,349 --> 00:35:02,390
But l'll give you key.
767
00:35:02,475 --> 00:35:03,642
Okay.
768
00:35:04,102 --> 00:35:05,143
Do you have the rings?
769
00:35:05,228 --> 00:35:06,561
Yeah.
770
00:35:06,687 --> 00:35:10,065
Now, the rings are
a symbol of eternity,
771
00:35:10,149 --> 00:35:14,402
because in a ring there's no beginning,
there is no end
772
00:35:15,363 --> 00:35:16,905
'cause it's a circle.
773
00:35:16,989 --> 00:35:18,073
That's kind of nice.
774
00:35:18,157 --> 00:35:19,407
lt's not like a triangle.
775
00:35:19,492 --> 00:35:22,160
Triangle has,
like, a corner in the ends.
776
00:35:22,245 --> 00:35:24,121
This one is a circle.
777
00:35:24,205 --> 00:35:25,247
Okay, we get it.
778
00:35:25,331 --> 00:35:26,581
Three corners.
779
00:35:26,666 --> 00:35:28,250
Please exchange the rings.
780
00:35:28,334 --> 00:35:30,418
Larry, take that.
All right, yeah.
781
00:35:30,503 --> 00:35:31,753
Thanks.
782
00:35:32,296 --> 00:35:34,464
ls a promise of your love
forever together. . .
783
00:35:34,549 --> 00:35:35,549
Okay.
Okay. Beautiful.
784
00:35:35,633 --> 00:35:36,883
. . .for all eternity.
Okay.
785
00:35:36,968 --> 00:35:39,010
Because it's a circle.
CHUCK: Yeah, we heard about the circle.
786
00:35:39,095 --> 00:35:40,470
Yes, we're familiar with shapes.
We got it.
787
00:35:40,555 --> 00:35:41,555
(SPEAKlNG JAPANESE)
788
00:35:42,640 --> 00:35:45,892
l now pronounce you
husband and husband.
789
00:35:45,977 --> 00:35:47,978
You may kiss the husband.
790
00:35:58,030 --> 00:36:00,866
l don't know.
Hey, man, you just gotta do this.
791
00:36:00,950 --> 00:36:03,034
What do you mean?
We got to do it.
792
00:36:03,119 --> 00:36:04,161
Kiss the husband.
793
00:36:04,245 --> 00:36:05,745
Yeah, we heard you.
794
00:36:06,414 --> 00:36:08,790
Oh, come on. Let's just. . .
795
00:36:08,875 --> 00:36:11,334
He's gonna take a picture,
we just gotta do this.
796
00:36:11,460 --> 00:36:12,460
Mmm-hmm.
797
00:36:13,129 --> 00:36:14,129
Oh !
798
00:36:17,091 --> 00:36:18,633
That's how we roll
in our house, baby.
799
00:36:18,718 --> 00:36:19,926
Oh, yeah.
800
00:36:20,219 --> 00:36:21,219
(EXCLAlMlNG)
801
00:36:26,184 --> 00:36:27,642
Do you do me?
802
00:36:28,936 --> 00:36:31,646
Oh, you couldn't handle it,
little man.
803
00:36:31,898 --> 00:36:32,898
(SPEAKlNG JAPANESE)
804
00:36:33,274 --> 00:36:34,399
Yeah.
805
00:36:34,483 --> 00:36:37,027
l think your witness
piss himself.
806
00:36:38,404 --> 00:36:39,571
(GROANlNG)
807
00:36:42,491 --> 00:36:43,491
(BELCHlNG)
808
00:36:43,659 --> 00:36:44,868
(MUMBLlNG)
809
00:36:45,828 --> 00:36:51,124
The wires are all in place,
and they have tapped all of our phones.
810
00:36:52,919 --> 00:36:55,420
The Chinese government
is in on it.
811
00:36:55,755 --> 00:36:59,424
And Elizabeth Taylor is Bigfoot.
812
00:37:01,844 --> 00:37:03,637
Turn off my brain.
813
00:37:03,804 --> 00:37:05,180
Hear, hear!
Hear, hear!
814
00:37:05,932 --> 00:37:06,932
(GROANlNG)
815
00:37:07,892 --> 00:37:10,352
There's a microphone
in the cake!
816
00:37:13,731 --> 00:37:15,273
They moved it.
817
00:37:16,192 --> 00:37:17,192
Yeah.
818
00:37:17,276 --> 00:37:19,861
He smell like
a dead water buffalo.
819
00:37:20,529 --> 00:37:22,322
(PLAYlNG UPBEAT JEWlSH MUSlC)
820
00:37:25,534 --> 00:37:27,369
Oh, yeah ! Very Jewish !
821
00:37:28,037 --> 00:37:29,162
(SNORTlNG)
822
00:37:30,373 --> 00:37:31,456
(CHANTlNG)
823
00:37:33,542 --> 00:37:35,043
(ALL CHANTlNG)
824
00:37:36,170 --> 00:37:37,629
(HOOTlNG)
825
00:37:41,759 --> 00:37:43,260
l've been hit!
826
00:37:43,344 --> 00:37:44,803
CHUCK: How you doing?
827
00:37:45,554 --> 00:37:47,222
He broke his leg.
828
00:37:49,183 --> 00:37:51,142
Hey, how come your maid
ain't helping us out?
829
00:37:51,227 --> 00:37:54,104
She's working on something else,
all right?
830
00:37:54,438 --> 00:37:55,855
Yeah, right.
831
00:37:55,940 --> 00:37:58,483
How you doing there,
Phil Collins?
832
00:37:58,567 --> 00:38:01,945
$800. $800, Bob Barker!
833
00:38:02,029 --> 00:38:03,655
...retail price
without going over...
834
00:38:03,739 --> 00:38:05,490
She's working hard
with Bob Barker.
835
00:38:05,574 --> 00:38:07,993
She doesn't like when you talk
during her shows. Come on.
836
00:38:08,077 --> 00:38:10,996
$750? Oh, my balls,
that's too low.
837
00:38:11,080 --> 00:38:14,249
Hey, Big Ragoo,
l smell your feet from here. l like it.
838
00:38:14,333 --> 00:38:15,333
Oh. . .
839
00:38:16,252 --> 00:38:18,211
He thinks my feet stink.
840
00:38:20,506 --> 00:38:22,257
Now, that's a stink.
841
00:38:24,051 --> 00:38:27,262
See, l knew you were gonna
overcook this, man. l told you.
842
00:38:27,346 --> 00:38:30,348
Hey, it's Salisbury steak, Emeril.
lt's supposed to be black.
843
00:38:30,433 --> 00:38:31,808
lt stinks like manure!
844
00:38:31,892 --> 00:38:33,768
Yeah, it's supposed to.
845
00:38:34,020 --> 00:38:36,855
l can't believe you're gonna
serve this to the kids. Shit.
846
00:38:36,939 --> 00:38:38,148
Hey, language!
847
00:38:38,232 --> 00:38:39,941
Okay, kids,
"shit" is a bad word.
848
00:38:40,026 --> 00:38:41,985
Seriously, though,
l am not eating this crap!
849
00:38:42,069 --> 00:38:43,945
lf l'm living here,
l'm cooking.
850
00:38:44,030 --> 00:38:45,572
How long is Uncle Chuck staying?
851
00:38:45,656 --> 00:38:48,908
Just for a little bit, okay?
Until his apartment is fixed.
852
00:38:48,993 --> 00:38:50,660
What happened to your place?
853
00:38:50,745 --> 00:38:52,412
Roaches.
854
00:38:53,080 --> 00:38:54,956
Yeah, big giant roaches.
855
00:38:55,124 --> 00:38:56,207
They ate my dog.
856
00:38:56,292 --> 00:38:57,375
Bastards!
857
00:38:57,460 --> 00:38:58,626
Language!
858
00:38:58,711 --> 00:39:00,795
Roaches are so ewwy.
859
00:39:01,630 --> 00:39:03,798
Did you hear that?
Roaches are ewwy.
860
00:39:03,883 --> 00:39:06,676
"Ewwy" is another word not allowed said
in this house, okay?
861
00:39:06,761 --> 00:39:08,386
l think ewwy's a nice word.
LARRY: Shut up.
862
00:39:08,471 --> 00:39:09,637
Ewwy!
863
00:39:10,056 --> 00:39:11,097
Funny.
864
00:39:17,271 --> 00:39:19,439
MAN: The Reds never even came up
in the conversation.
865
00:39:19,523 --> 00:39:22,942
About five straight seasons
losing regular seasons,
866
00:39:23,027 --> 00:39:26,196
the franchise's worse such stretch
since the '50s.
867
00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:29,824
Yet heading into play today, the Reds
were tied for the best record in the bigs.
868
00:39:29,909 --> 00:39:32,911
They've got
everybody going except for...
869
00:39:33,621 --> 00:39:34,996
...who's eligible
to come off the DL,
870
00:39:35,081 --> 00:39:37,248
but hasn't fully recovered
from an inflamed tendon...
871
00:39:37,333 --> 00:39:38,416
Real smooth.
872
00:39:38,501 --> 00:39:39,751
Why? What happened?
873
00:39:39,835 --> 00:39:41,044
You broke Tori's chair!
874
00:39:41,128 --> 00:39:42,629
No, no, no.
lt was like that when l got here.
875
00:39:42,713 --> 00:39:44,923
l'm not kidding you.
l think she did it.
876
00:39:45,007 --> 00:39:46,716
What the hell is that
on your face?
877
00:39:46,801 --> 00:39:49,010
l'm exfoliating.
lt's good for my skin.
878
00:39:49,095 --> 00:39:50,637
Hey, that's a great idea, man.
879
00:39:50,721 --> 00:39:52,555
ln case the gay inspector comes by.
880
00:39:53,224 --> 00:39:55,850
Yeah, yeah,
that's why l was doing it.
881
00:39:56,644 --> 00:39:58,353
TORl: Daddy, help!
882
00:39:59,355 --> 00:40:00,522
Tori?
883
00:40:02,566 --> 00:40:04,901
Somebody left the seat up.
884
00:40:05,653 --> 00:40:06,861
Real smooth, again.
885
00:40:06,946 --> 00:40:08,405
Why? What happened now?
886
00:40:08,489 --> 00:40:10,740
lt was like that when l got here.
She. . . She did it.
887
00:40:10,825 --> 00:40:12,033
Hey, it's okay, sweetheart.
888
00:40:12,118 --> 00:40:14,953
You see, Uncle Chuck, he's not used
to living in a house with a young lady.
889
00:40:15,037 --> 00:40:16,287
True that.
Come here, honey.
890
00:40:16,372 --> 00:40:19,833
Slow, slow, slow.
Don't leave her intestines in there.
891
00:40:21,877 --> 00:40:23,628
Whoa, whoa. . .
892
00:40:23,712 --> 00:40:26,297
Your father's just jealous
'cause he can't get his butt
893
00:40:26,382 --> 00:40:27,465
in that thing.
Yeah.
894
00:40:27,550 --> 00:40:29,467
He got his butt stuck
in a king-sized Jacuzzi one time.
895
00:40:29,552 --> 00:40:31,469
l seen that.
Stop.
896
00:40:31,554 --> 00:40:32,595
Hey, yeah.
897
00:40:32,680 --> 00:40:34,681
Uncle Chuck,
you left this in the kitchen.
898
00:40:34,765 --> 00:40:35,932
Hey, don't you look at that!
899
00:40:36,058 --> 00:40:37,392
l didn't.
Actually, you know what?
Give me that.
900
00:40:37,476 --> 00:40:39,102
Maybe he should look at it. See.
Stop it, Chuck!
901
00:40:39,186 --> 00:40:41,896
No, no, no. This is an experiment.
Seriously.
902
00:40:43,065 --> 00:40:45,525
Eric, see how this
makes you feel.
903
00:40:46,318 --> 00:40:47,694
Open it up.
904
00:40:51,574 --> 00:40:53,908
All right,
that didn't go well.
905
00:41:00,082 --> 00:41:03,001
Yo, you got any tequila in this house?
l want to fall right asleep.
906
00:41:03,085 --> 00:41:04,586
No, l don't.
907
00:41:04,670 --> 00:41:06,880
What the hell is this?
You got a dog l don't know about?
908
00:41:06,964 --> 00:41:08,590
No, that's your bed.
l worked hard on that.
909
00:41:08,674 --> 00:41:11,426
That ain't a bed. That's a bed,
the thing you're about to cave in.
910
00:41:11,510 --> 00:41:13,803
No. Look, you're not
sleeping here, okay?
911
00:41:13,888 --> 00:41:16,097
Nobody's slept
on that side since Paula.
912
00:41:16,182 --> 00:41:17,682
But, sweetheart,
it's our honeymoon.
913
00:41:17,766 --> 00:41:20,059
Of course l'm sleeping
in the same bed as you.
914
00:41:20,144 --> 00:41:21,394
No.
915
00:41:21,479 --> 00:41:22,937
How about if l put
Paula's pajamas on?
916
00:41:23,022 --> 00:41:24,189
Would that get me
in the sack with you?
917
00:41:24,273 --> 00:41:26,357
Don't you dare touch her PJs.
918
00:41:26,442 --> 00:41:29,444
You're kidding me.
You still keep her PJs?
919
00:41:29,528 --> 00:41:31,237
That's sick, Larry. Seriously.
920
00:41:31,322 --> 00:41:32,363
All right.
921
00:41:32,448 --> 00:41:34,407
You gotta call the shrink.
922
00:41:34,492 --> 00:41:36,409
l'm coming in the bed, Larry.
923
00:41:36,494 --> 00:41:39,245
Whoa, look at this.
You made me a little bowling ball ashtray.
924
00:41:39,330 --> 00:41:41,414
That's sweet of you.
l'll smoke that in the morning.
925
00:41:41,499 --> 00:41:43,583
l don't feel comfortable with this,
buddy, at all.
926
00:41:43,667 --> 00:41:45,418
Would it help
if l gave you the pose?
927
00:41:45,503 --> 00:41:47,212
Hey, get your foot off
that side of the bed.
928
00:41:47,296 --> 00:41:48,671
Have some respect,
would you, please?
929
00:41:48,756 --> 00:41:51,466
Yeah, l'll be respectful.
You won't even know l'm here.
930
00:41:51,550 --> 00:41:52,967
Oh, God.
You won't know l'm here, okay?
931
00:41:53,052 --> 00:41:55,053
Why don't you turn the light off?
You won't even see me.
932
00:41:55,137 --> 00:41:56,721
l'm not around, Larry.
933
00:41:56,805 --> 00:42:00,058
Yeah. Yeah. See?
Yeah. Roll over.
934
00:42:00,726 --> 00:42:02,310
Make yourself comfortable.
935
00:42:02,978 --> 00:42:04,395
That's right.
936
00:42:05,481 --> 00:42:07,065
(LARRY SlGHlNG)
937
00:42:08,234 --> 00:42:10,068
You got Cinemax in here?
938
00:42:10,152 --> 00:42:11,736
No, l do not.
939
00:42:11,820 --> 00:42:14,197
What the hell am l supposed to do
with this thing?
940
00:42:14,281 --> 00:42:18,368
Keep it away from me.
941
00:42:18,994 --> 00:42:22,330
Can you lend me your foot for a second?
l'm kidding.
942
00:42:27,211 --> 00:42:29,295
CHUCK: (lMlTATlNG FEMALE VOlCE)
Larry.
943
00:42:30,506 --> 00:42:34,008
You betrayed me, Larry.
944
00:42:35,469 --> 00:42:39,973
You made a promise
no one would sleep on my side of. . .
945
00:42:40,057 --> 00:42:41,349
All right. Hey, hey, hey.
946
00:42:41,392 --> 00:42:43,351
l swear to you,
l will beat you. . .
That wasn't me.
947
00:42:43,435 --> 00:42:45,353
. . .with the end table!
Larry!
948
00:42:45,437 --> 00:42:46,437
Stop it, man.
949
00:42:46,522 --> 00:42:47,564
lf it was me, l would stop it.
950
00:42:47,648 --> 00:42:49,440
lt was someone else.
951
00:42:51,026 --> 00:42:52,610
lt scared me, too, Larry.
952
00:42:53,696 --> 00:42:54,696
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
953
00:42:56,865 --> 00:42:58,616
Good morning, Daddy.
954
00:42:59,827 --> 00:43:01,119
Oh, hey, kids.
955
00:43:01,203 --> 00:43:02,704
Good morning, Uncle Chuck.
956
00:43:03,372 --> 00:43:05,081
What's doing, guys?
957
00:43:05,207 --> 00:43:06,332
Good morning, Teresa.
958
00:43:06,417 --> 00:43:07,792
Great morning.
959
00:43:12,881 --> 00:43:14,924
Why is Teresa in the bed?
960
00:43:16,385 --> 00:43:19,679
She was just cleaning it. She was. . .
Great job, Teresa.
961
00:43:19,763 --> 00:43:22,348
Spotless. Thank you.
You can go now.
962
00:43:23,434 --> 00:43:25,059
Hey.
963
00:43:25,686 --> 00:43:27,478
Hey, this is what got us in trouble
in the first place.
964
00:43:27,563 --> 00:43:28,563
(TERESA AND CHUCK LAUGHlNG)
965
00:43:28,856 --> 00:43:29,981
TERESA: Oh, boy.
966
00:43:30,065 --> 00:43:31,983
Come on, kids,
fix me breakfast!
967
00:43:32,067 --> 00:43:33,735
Come on, come on, come on !
968
00:43:33,819 --> 00:43:35,236
You're gonna burn for that.
969
00:43:35,321 --> 00:43:36,821
Get Cinemax.
970
00:43:36,905 --> 00:43:38,364
While l'm sleeping
in the same bed?
971
00:43:38,449 --> 00:43:40,783
Hey, you weren't sleeping
the whole time.
972
00:43:40,868 --> 00:43:41,909
You threw in some moves.
973
00:43:41,994 --> 00:43:43,036
l did not!
974
00:43:43,120 --> 00:43:45,204
Yeah. Smell your thumb.
975
00:43:53,255 --> 00:43:55,089
Smells like plastic.
976
00:43:55,924 --> 00:43:56,924
(POPPlNG NOlSE)
977
00:44:04,183 --> 00:44:05,767
Hey, big guy.
978
00:44:06,268 --> 00:44:09,979
Hey, what the hell you doing
going through our garbage?
979
00:44:10,064 --> 00:44:14,025
Oh, once it's out on the street
ready for pickup, it's public property.
980
00:44:15,277 --> 00:44:16,486
Lawrence Valentine, l presume?
981
00:44:16,570 --> 00:44:17,695
Yeah. That's me.
982
00:44:17,780 --> 00:44:20,782
Yeah, Clint Fitzer
from Financial Services.
983
00:44:21,575 --> 00:44:24,369
You know, funny thing, you put
these moving boxes out for recycling
984
00:44:24,453 --> 00:44:26,537
after you'd already been
living together for so long.
985
00:44:26,622 --> 00:44:28,039
l found that interesting.
986
00:44:29,416 --> 00:44:31,793
And your garbage,
Mr. Valentine,
987
00:44:31,877 --> 00:44:35,254
well, from my experience,
it's not very homosexual garbage.
988
00:44:35,464 --> 00:44:36,964
Can l see some
identification, please?
989
00:44:37,299 --> 00:44:39,217
Oh, that's just one zip away.
990
00:44:45,140 --> 00:44:50,228
Mr. Valentine, the law takes a dim view
of those who cheat the public coffers.
991
00:44:51,855 --> 00:44:54,816
A very dim view, big guy.
992
00:44:57,277 --> 00:44:58,361
Shit.
993
00:45:04,576 --> 00:45:05,785
LARRY: What are you doing?
994
00:45:05,869 --> 00:45:07,078
l'm putting a pillowcase
on my pillow.
995
00:45:07,162 --> 00:45:08,496
Okay, you know what?
That's not a pillowcase.
996
00:45:08,580 --> 00:45:10,289
lt's my underwear, you idiot.
997
00:45:11,834 --> 00:45:13,418
No!
Would you stop?
998
00:45:13,502 --> 00:45:16,838
l just ran into Clint Fitzer out front.
That big city investigator.
999
00:45:16,922 --> 00:45:18,756
The one that hot-ass lawyer
was talking about?
1000
00:45:18,841 --> 00:45:20,133
We gotta make
this place more gay.
1001
00:45:20,217 --> 00:45:21,259
More gay?
1002
00:45:21,343 --> 00:45:23,720
Yeah. He went through our trash.
He says it's not gay enough.
1003
00:45:23,804 --> 00:45:25,221
Well, let's gay
that shit up, then !
1004
00:45:25,305 --> 00:45:27,265
Oh, God.
Gay trash.
1005
00:45:27,391 --> 00:45:30,143
Gay trash. . . Gay trash. . .
1006
00:45:30,227 --> 00:45:31,227
Let's see.
1007
00:45:33,105 --> 00:45:34,605
Huh? Huh?
1008
00:45:34,982 --> 00:45:37,275
Yeah. What else?
1009
00:45:37,359 --> 00:45:39,736
(SlNGlNG)
Anything you can do, l can do better
1010
00:45:39,820 --> 00:45:42,822
l can do anything better than you
1011
00:45:42,906 --> 00:45:44,699
Perfect.
Hey!
1012
00:45:45,367 --> 00:45:47,577
Eric, are those the cleats
l just bought you?
1013
00:45:47,661 --> 00:45:50,496
Uncle Chuck helped me
turn them into tap shoes.
1014
00:45:50,581 --> 00:45:51,622
Yeah, he didn't get Pippin,
1015
00:45:51,707 --> 00:45:53,124
so we're gonna prime him
for his next audition.
1016
00:45:53,208 --> 00:45:54,208
For the Annie Get Your Gun thing.
1017
00:45:54,293 --> 00:45:56,794
Go ahead, tap away. Nice.
1018
00:45:57,212 --> 00:45:59,380
Sinatra tap-danced, come on.
1019
00:45:59,465 --> 00:46:01,674
Nice. Nice. Big finish.
1020
00:46:02,134 --> 00:46:04,886
Yeah. You wanna throw him
in the garbage?
1021
00:46:05,471 --> 00:46:06,637
l'm kidding. Come on.
1022
00:46:08,348 --> 00:46:09,682
Think like a gay guy.
We're gay, we're gay.
1023
00:46:09,767 --> 00:46:10,808
Come on, gay. Gay it up.
1024
00:46:10,893 --> 00:46:12,018
Here we go. Look at this.
Gay. What else? Gay.
1025
00:46:12,102 --> 00:46:13,686
Shampoo for permed hair.
That's pretty gay.
1026
00:46:13,771 --> 00:46:14,937
Put it in there.
Okay.
1027
00:46:15,022 --> 00:46:16,022
Bandages.
1028
00:46:16,106 --> 00:46:17,565
lt's too rugged.
1029
00:46:17,649 --> 00:46:19,192
Really?
Q-tips, get Q-tips.
1030
00:46:19,276 --> 00:46:22,528
Gay guys like clean ears
for the licking and whatnot. Smart.
1031
00:46:22,613 --> 00:46:23,613
What do you got?
1032
00:46:23,697 --> 00:46:24,864
Maxi Pads.
1033
00:46:24,948 --> 00:46:26,991
Now we have vaginas?
Put it back.
1034
00:46:27,075 --> 00:46:30,328
Get some Streisand shit or something.
Just walk away, man.
1035
00:46:30,537 --> 00:46:34,499
CHUCK:
Gay. Very gay. Über gay.
1036
00:46:34,583 --> 00:46:36,918
The gayest.
And the mother ship.
1037
00:46:42,049 --> 00:46:43,049
Oh. . .
1038
00:46:43,592 --> 00:46:45,384
Chuck!
Alex.
1039
00:46:45,928 --> 00:46:47,720
Hi !
Wow.
1040
00:46:47,805 --> 00:46:51,557
Oh, hey, did Larry tell you that
l talked to him about Fitzer stopping by?
1041
00:46:51,642 --> 00:46:53,851
That guy is an infection,
but don't you worry about it,
1042
00:46:53,936 --> 00:46:54,977
'cause l'm gonna handle it.
1043
00:46:55,062 --> 00:46:58,147
No, it's all good.
lt's all gay all the way.
1044
00:47:00,192 --> 00:47:02,276
Are you doing anything
on Saturday night?
1045
00:47:02,361 --> 00:47:03,653
No. Why?
1046
00:47:03,737 --> 00:47:07,281
Well, l'm involved with this group,
and it's our big fundraiser thing and. . .
1047
00:47:07,366 --> 00:47:08,783
Look, l know it's
a little bit last-minute, but. . .
1048
00:47:08,867 --> 00:47:11,953
No, no, no!
Hey! Let's do this.
1049
00:47:12,037 --> 00:47:13,621
Let's party. Wow.
1050
00:47:13,705 --> 00:47:15,206
Awesome. Awesome!
Please.
1051
00:47:15,290 --> 00:47:16,374
Okay. lt's gonna be a lot of fun.
1052
00:47:16,458 --> 00:47:17,542
l'm sure.
1053
00:47:17,626 --> 00:47:19,502
Here's the info.
Hell, yeah.
1054
00:47:19,586 --> 00:47:22,588
And don't forget
to bring your husband.
1055
00:47:22,673 --> 00:47:25,007
My, husband? Yes, of course.
1056
00:47:25,634 --> 00:47:27,051
Don't go anywhere without him.
1057
00:47:27,135 --> 00:47:30,137
He's like a. . .
He's like an infection, too.
1058
00:47:32,099 --> 00:47:36,477
Are you gonna be bringing
your significant other person thing?
1059
00:47:36,979 --> 00:47:38,896
Oh, l'm not gay,
if that's what you mean.
1060
00:47:38,981 --> 00:47:41,858
And l just broke up
with my boyfriend, so. . .
1061
00:47:42,985 --> 00:47:44,026
l mean. . .
1062
00:47:45,153 --> 00:47:48,322
lt's fine.
So am l gonna see you there?
1063
00:47:48,490 --> 00:47:49,448
l'll be there.
1064
00:47:49,533 --> 00:47:50,575
Okay.
1065
00:47:50,659 --> 00:47:53,077
Oh, you wanna go?
Yeah.
1066
00:47:53,161 --> 00:47:54,912
See you.
Yeah.
1067
00:47:57,457 --> 00:47:59,208
Hell, yeah !
1068
00:48:00,210 --> 00:48:02,587
Sorry, did you say something?
1069
00:48:02,671 --> 00:48:07,842
No, they got K-Y jelly,
two for $1 . Hell, yeah.
1070
00:48:09,344 --> 00:48:10,803
Okay. Bye.
1071
00:48:10,888 --> 00:48:12,305
Bye.
1072
00:48:12,389 --> 00:48:13,389
(CHUCKLlNG)
1073
00:48:15,851 --> 00:48:17,602
Yeah, this does work.
1074
00:48:21,940 --> 00:48:23,608
Got some mail for you,
Mr. Valentine.
1075
00:48:23,692 --> 00:48:26,569
Oh, okay. Thanks, Ron.
1076
00:48:28,780 --> 00:48:29,947
Something l can do for you?
1077
00:48:30,032 --> 00:48:33,034
l couldn't help overhearing
you and Mr. Levine
1078
00:48:33,118 --> 00:48:35,953
talking about your arrangement
the other day.
1079
00:48:36,038 --> 00:48:39,790
Yeah, we're a couple, so. . .
1080
00:48:39,875 --> 00:48:44,503
Right. l also caught
a bit of what you said pertaining to me.
1081
00:48:44,588 --> 00:48:45,630
What? l'm sorry?
1082
00:48:45,714 --> 00:48:49,967
l heard you mention to the gentleman
that you thought l was a hottie.
1083
00:48:50,052 --> 00:48:53,804
Oh. Yeah, you know what?
l'm sorry if that came off a little weird.
1084
00:48:53,889 --> 00:48:55,556
l was feeling. . .
Oh, no, no, no.
1085
00:48:55,641 --> 00:48:57,224
lt's nothing to worry about, sir.
1086
00:48:58,060 --> 00:48:59,060
l don't bite.
1087
00:49:00,395 --> 00:49:01,687
Oh, okay.
1088
00:49:01,939 --> 00:49:03,439
Listen, just so you know,
1089
00:49:03,523 --> 00:49:05,399
if you're ever home alone
in the afternoons.
1090
00:49:06,234 --> 00:49:07,568
l make drop-offs.
1091
00:49:08,403 --> 00:49:09,445
Oh boy.
1092
00:49:09,529 --> 00:49:10,905
And l always deliver.
1093
00:49:10,989 --> 00:49:13,658
You know what?
l'm pretty loyal to Chuck.
1094
00:49:13,742 --> 00:49:16,494
Right, l understand that.
l'm just saying if you ever want to
1095
00:49:16,578 --> 00:49:20,373
explore your other feelings,
there's no extra postage.
1096
00:49:20,457 --> 00:49:22,583
And it's always first-class.
1097
00:49:22,668 --> 00:49:25,503
All right. Anything else you feel
you need to say, there?
1098
00:49:25,587 --> 00:49:26,712
l handle with care.
1099
00:49:26,797 --> 00:49:28,339
Okay, Ron, thank you very much.
l appreciate it.
1100
00:49:28,423 --> 00:49:30,174
And l'd be happy to come in
through the back door.
1101
00:49:30,258 --> 00:49:32,343
l'm sure you would.
1102
00:49:32,427 --> 00:49:34,261
RON: Used to holding
large packages.
1103
00:49:41,853 --> 00:49:43,688
This actually ain't
gonna be bad, man.
1104
00:49:43,772 --> 00:49:46,315
Just some regular
gay folks having a party.
1105
00:49:46,775 --> 00:49:48,484
(DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG
OVER SPEAKERS)
1106
00:49:48,568 --> 00:49:51,153
l'm dirty! Who's dirty?
Are you. . .
1107
00:49:53,782 --> 00:49:56,075
Oh, my God, it's Homopalooza.
1108
00:50:02,666 --> 00:50:05,668
You know what? Find Alex, say hello,
and let's get the hell out of here.
1109
00:50:05,752 --> 00:50:07,169
l'm going to take a leak.
1110
00:50:07,254 --> 00:50:09,005
You're gonna go
to the men's room? Here?
1111
00:50:09,381 --> 00:50:10,464
What's wrong with that?
1112
00:50:10,549 --> 00:50:12,508
l peed three times
before l got here.
1113
00:50:12,801 --> 00:50:13,801
l'll be fine.
1114
00:50:13,885 --> 00:50:15,177
WAlTER: Apple martini?
1115
00:50:15,637 --> 00:50:17,179
(DlSCO MUSlC PLAYlNG)
1116
00:50:27,649 --> 00:50:29,775
Oh, yeah. There's my lawyer.
1117
00:50:36,950 --> 00:50:38,826
Look at that. Perfection.
1118
00:50:41,121 --> 00:50:43,664
l want to suck your blood.
1119
00:50:45,000 --> 00:50:46,667
Suck my what?
1120
00:50:47,961 --> 00:50:49,628
Nothing.
1121
00:50:49,713 --> 00:50:51,672
lt's cool.
You want to suck something.
1122
00:50:51,757 --> 00:50:54,842
l was talking to somebody else.
1123
00:50:54,926 --> 00:50:56,802
Hey! Don't go, bitch !
1124
00:50:57,846 --> 00:50:59,472
Don't be a tease!
1125
00:51:00,557 --> 00:51:01,891
You whore!
1126
00:51:01,975 --> 00:51:02,975
(HlSSlNG)
1127
00:51:10,025 --> 00:51:11,609
LARRY: Hello?
1128
00:51:14,613 --> 00:51:16,197
Anybody here?
1129
00:51:20,577 --> 00:51:23,829
Oh, my God.
All right, let's do this.
1130
00:51:38,512 --> 00:51:41,931
Chuck! Hey!
Oh, l'm so glad you made it.
1131
00:51:42,432 --> 00:51:44,016
Alex? That's you, right?
1132
00:51:44,101 --> 00:51:45,893
Yeah. l'm Catwoman.
1133
00:51:48,438 --> 00:51:49,980
Wow, so. . .
1134
00:51:50,065 --> 00:51:52,983
l had no idea Dracula
could look so fierce.
1135
00:51:53,068 --> 00:51:54,985
l like Betty Butterfly the most.
1136
00:51:55,070 --> 00:51:58,364
On, Stevie! On, Bobby! On, Sarah !
1137
00:51:58,448 --> 00:52:00,491
That's my brother, Kevin.
1138
00:52:00,575 --> 00:52:01,742
He's your brother?
You're related to him?
1139
00:52:01,827 --> 00:52:02,868
Yes.
1140
00:52:02,953 --> 00:52:05,412
He's gotta come out of the closet already.
l feel bad.
1141
00:52:05,497 --> 00:52:08,040
lt must eat him up inside
knowing he's got so many secrets.
1142
00:52:08,125 --> 00:52:09,375
Shut up.
1143
00:52:13,088 --> 00:52:15,840
My underwear's
just riding up my core.
1144
00:52:16,341 --> 00:52:18,509
Seriously, l got some applesauce
going on down there.
1145
00:52:18,593 --> 00:52:20,970
l can't wait to launder
that load.
1146
00:52:21,054 --> 00:52:22,680
What's up, apple dumpling?
What's crack-a-lacking?
1147
00:52:22,764 --> 00:52:25,808
What's crack-a-what?
l'm sorry, who are you? Do l know you?
1148
00:52:25,892 --> 00:52:28,352
Oh, l'm sorry, l'm Kevin,
Alex's brother.
1149
00:52:28,436 --> 00:52:30,354
Oh, hey, man.
What's up, man?
1150
00:52:30,438 --> 00:52:32,857
Larry, Chuck's better half.
Oh, wow.
1151
00:52:32,941 --> 00:52:35,067
Better two-thirds, actually.
1152
00:52:35,277 --> 00:52:37,444
So, l got a question.
l know you know it's coming.
1153
00:52:37,571 --> 00:52:39,613
l'm gonna do it!
l'm gonna do it!
Don't do it. Don't do it.
1154
00:52:39,698 --> 00:52:41,323
Who's pitching
and who's catching?
1155
00:52:41,408 --> 00:52:44,743
You mean who's the chick
and who's the guy and that kind of thing?
1156
00:52:44,828 --> 00:52:47,705
Please don't feel obligated to answer that.
lt's none of our business.
1157
00:52:47,789 --> 00:52:48,873
l know it's not,
but it's fun to know.
1158
00:52:48,957 --> 00:52:51,750
Really not a problem. Let's see.
This is gonna be a cool experiment.
1159
00:52:51,835 --> 00:52:53,878
Who do you think
is the chick out of us two?
1160
00:52:53,962 --> 00:52:56,505
One, two, three. Chuck!
One, two, three. Chuck!
1161
00:52:56,631 --> 00:52:58,132
So Chuck!
ALEX: l know.
1162
00:53:00,719 --> 00:53:03,179
Why would you think
l'm the chick?
1163
00:53:03,263 --> 00:53:04,722
Well, he's an apple.
1164
00:53:04,806 --> 00:53:07,183
Very masculine.
Very solid fruit.
1165
00:53:07,267 --> 00:53:10,561
And you're Count Suckula
with a straw in your beer.
1166
00:53:10,645 --> 00:53:13,856
l'm drinking through a straw
'cause l don't want to smear my lipstick.
1167
00:53:13,940 --> 00:53:16,609
Oh, yeah, that was worse. All right.
Good, good, good. Okay.
1168
00:53:16,693 --> 00:53:20,112
l also think it's because
you have very sweet, sensitive eyes.
1169
00:53:20,197 --> 00:53:23,365
And that's very rare
to find in a guy.
1170
00:53:23,450 --> 00:53:26,243
Well, you have very sweet
and sensitive eyes, too.
1171
00:53:26,328 --> 00:53:27,411
l do?
1172
00:53:27,495 --> 00:53:28,871
Us chicks should
stick together, huh?
1173
00:53:28,955 --> 00:53:30,414
Take it easy, buddy.
1174
00:53:30,498 --> 00:53:33,125
Girls rule and boys drool.
1175
00:53:33,293 --> 00:53:34,752
(UPBEAT SONG PLAYlNG)
Yeah.
1176
00:53:34,836 --> 00:53:36,128
Oh, my God !
1177
00:53:36,213 --> 00:53:37,796
You okay? Breathe!
1178
00:53:38,006 --> 00:53:39,048
This is my jam !
1179
00:53:39,132 --> 00:53:41,300
This is my jam ! You know that!
This is my jam ! Watch my drink, okay?
1180
00:53:41,384 --> 00:53:43,385
Okay, okay.
lt's my jam !
1181
00:53:44,638 --> 00:53:45,930
So?
Yo.
1182
00:53:46,431 --> 00:53:48,057
You gonna show me your moves?
1183
00:53:49,559 --> 00:53:52,353
Oh, my God,
she got the flags out.
1184
00:53:52,437 --> 00:53:53,979
l can't dance for shit.
Can you?
1185
00:53:54,064 --> 00:53:55,356
Hell, no.
1186
00:53:59,444 --> 00:54:02,696
Look at these guys, man.
They're freaking Travoltas!
1187
00:54:04,366 --> 00:54:08,327
Gay guys know how to dance good.
lt's like the law or some shit.
1188
00:54:11,206 --> 00:54:12,831
Get in the circle right now!
1189
00:54:12,916 --> 00:54:14,166
Yeah, it's gonna be a blast.
1190
00:54:14,251 --> 00:54:15,584
Any second, man.
Glad to be here.
1191
00:54:15,669 --> 00:54:17,628
l can't wait. l can't wait!
1192
00:54:18,255 --> 00:54:19,880
LARRY: Look at this.
1193
00:54:19,965 --> 00:54:23,175
Hey, the butterfly's coming
out of his cocoon again.
1194
00:54:23,301 --> 00:54:24,802
(CROWD CHEERlNG)
1195
00:54:25,053 --> 00:54:26,679
That's my brother!
1196
00:54:26,763 --> 00:54:28,973
This is his jam !
lt is his jam.
1197
00:54:32,686 --> 00:54:33,727
Kevin's having fun.
1198
00:54:33,812 --> 00:54:35,062
l didn't need to see that.
1199
00:54:35,981 --> 00:54:37,314
l'm flying !
1200
00:54:37,399 --> 00:54:38,440
We gotta look good at this.
1201
00:54:38,525 --> 00:54:39,650
lt's showtime, boys!
1202
00:54:39,734 --> 00:54:40,901
Whoa!
1203
00:54:42,237 --> 00:54:43,279
l'm sorry!
1204
00:54:43,363 --> 00:54:44,446
No, it's part of it.
1205
00:54:44,531 --> 00:54:48,075
All right, Larry, get up.
That's it, that's it, that's it.
1206
00:54:50,078 --> 00:54:51,078
(CROWD BOOlNG)
1207
00:54:51,162 --> 00:54:53,372
We're busted, dude,
we're busted.
1208
00:54:53,456 --> 00:54:55,457
Let's go junior high on their ass.
1209
00:54:55,542 --> 00:54:56,583
Junior high?
1210
00:54:56,793 --> 00:54:58,419
Yeah. Let's do this.
1211
00:54:58,503 --> 00:54:59,753
Okay.
1212
00:55:01,548 --> 00:55:03,632
(PEOPLE GROANlNG)
1213
00:55:07,262 --> 00:55:09,013
(LOVE BALLAD PLAYlNG)
1214
00:55:14,144 --> 00:55:15,686
ls it working?
1215
00:55:15,770 --> 00:55:18,981
l don't know.
l'm afraid to look up.
1216
00:55:19,065 --> 00:55:21,108
CHUCK: l think it is.
l think it is.
1217
00:55:32,746 --> 00:55:34,455
Oh, my God.
1218
00:55:34,622 --> 00:55:37,041
We really pulled this one
out of our asses.
1219
00:55:37,459 --> 00:55:41,545
Bad choice of words, there, Larry.
Bad choice of words.
1220
00:55:45,467 --> 00:55:48,218
MAN: Hey, Chuck, Larry. We got a basketball
game every Tuesday night at 6:00.
1221
00:55:48,303 --> 00:55:50,471
lf you guys want to play,
the butterfly knows how to get hold of us.
1222
00:55:50,555 --> 00:55:53,265
Okay, right on. Thank you. Thank you.
Yeah, we'll give you a buzz.
1223
00:55:53,350 --> 00:55:54,558
Nice to meet you guys.
1224
00:55:54,642 --> 00:55:58,562
Sinners and fornicators!
We are not here in anger!
1225
00:55:58,646 --> 00:56:01,732
We are here to save you
from eternal damnation!
1226
00:56:02,942 --> 00:56:03,984
Hey, buddy!
1227
00:56:04,069 --> 00:56:06,695
Wait, come on already!
This is a private event.
1228
00:56:06,780 --> 00:56:08,030
Now, give it a rest.
1229
00:56:08,114 --> 00:56:11,617
Aren't you worried about
where you'll spend eternity?
1230
00:56:11,701 --> 00:56:13,577
This is what these guys do
on a Saturday night?
1231
00:56:13,661 --> 00:56:16,372
They just want everyone to be
as miserable as they are.
1232
00:56:16,456 --> 00:56:21,335
PROTESTERS: Gay is not the way!
Gay is not the way! Gay is not the way!
1233
00:56:21,920 --> 00:56:23,087
lt's over, baby.
1234
00:56:23,171 --> 00:56:25,089
Gay is not the way!
Gay is not the way!
1235
00:56:25,173 --> 00:56:29,885
Hey, hey! You heard the man.
lt's a private party, so take a walk.
1236
00:56:29,969 --> 00:56:33,138
This is a public sidewalk.
We have every right to be here!
1237
00:56:33,223 --> 00:56:34,848
And we have every right
to be queer!
1238
00:56:34,933 --> 00:56:36,350
Yeah !
1239
00:56:38,061 --> 00:56:42,689
Homosexuality is
an abomination.
1240
00:56:43,066 --> 00:56:46,693
Hey, news flash, man.
That jacket's an abomination.
1241
00:56:47,320 --> 00:56:50,572
PARTYERS: Gay is the way! Gay is the way!
PROTESTERS: Gay is not the way!
1242
00:56:51,074 --> 00:56:53,784
Hey, what makes you think
that you have the right to dictate
1243
00:56:53,868 --> 00:56:55,285
how other people
live their lives?
1244
00:56:55,370 --> 00:56:58,288
l'm a minister.
l'm allowed to preach in any public forum.
1245
00:56:58,373 --> 00:56:59,706
Well, l'm a fireman.
1246
00:56:59,791 --> 00:57:02,584
l say you're blocking emergency access,
so let's call it a night, guys.
1247
00:57:02,669 --> 00:57:05,295
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're a fireman?
1248
00:57:05,380 --> 00:57:07,548
You are a disgrace!
1249
00:57:07,632 --> 00:57:10,092
You're a flamer,
is what you are.
1250
00:57:10,218 --> 00:57:12,261
All right, oh, my God.
There's no reasoning
with these people.
1251
00:57:12,345 --> 00:57:14,763
Just let it go. Just let it go.
Just let it go.
1252
00:57:14,848 --> 00:57:16,598
Come on, come on.
Let it go, guys.
1253
00:57:16,683 --> 00:57:18,559
Have a good day.
See you later.
1254
00:57:18,643 --> 00:57:20,018
Faggots.
1255
00:57:20,728 --> 00:57:22,563
l'm sorry?
What did you call me?
1256
00:57:22,981 --> 00:57:24,982
Oh, l called you a faggot.
1257
00:57:26,067 --> 00:57:27,359
Faggot.
1258
00:57:28,695 --> 00:57:30,070
(CROWD GASPS)
1259
00:57:31,156 --> 00:57:35,159
For your information,
the accepted vernacular is "gay."
1260
00:57:35,702 --> 00:57:37,411
(PARTY GOERS CHEERlNG)
1261
00:57:38,163 --> 00:57:42,249
Homos, one. Crazy people, zero.
Official score.
1262
00:57:49,257 --> 00:57:51,175
Gentlemen, l have
a very simple philosophy.
1263
00:57:51,259 --> 00:57:53,135
What you shove up your ass
is your own business.
1264
00:57:53,219 --> 00:57:54,845
Captain. . .
Shut up.
1265
00:57:54,929 --> 00:57:58,932
Now, it's not my style to get involved
in the personal lives of my firemen.
1266
00:57:59,017 --> 00:58:00,100
And if sometimes l've given you
1267
00:58:00,185 --> 00:58:02,769
the impression that l'm your friend,
l apologize.
1268
00:58:03,813 --> 00:58:08,525
However, l seriously doubt
that you two are banging each other.
1269
00:58:08,610 --> 00:58:12,154
You and Paula, the most beautiful couple
l ever laid eyes on.
1270
00:58:12,238 --> 00:58:16,366
And you, if my pencil sharpener had a skirt,
l'd have to hide it.
1271
00:58:17,243 --> 00:58:21,538
Look, do you have any idea of the stress
an administrative position entails?
1272
00:58:21,623 --> 00:58:23,832
l've already got
a prostate the size of a cantaloupe.
1273
00:58:23,917 --> 00:58:25,083
And now, thanks to you two bozos,
1274
00:58:25,168 --> 00:58:27,836
l've got the Pension Department
pissing up my chimney,
1275
00:58:27,921 --> 00:58:29,838
not to mention every flaming fruit bat
south of Poughkeepsie
1276
00:58:29,923 --> 00:58:32,925
that wants to come down here to our house
and slide up and down our pole!
1277
00:58:33,009 --> 00:58:34,801
We should tell him the truth.
We'll tell him the truth.
1278
00:58:34,886 --> 00:58:36,845
LARRY: We'll tell him the truth.
lx-nay on the uth-tray!
1279
00:58:36,930 --> 00:58:38,388
l don't want to hear about it.
1280
00:58:38,473 --> 00:58:40,474
And if this marriage is
something you've cooked up
1281
00:58:40,558 --> 00:58:44,019
in response to this pension problem,
you are not taking me down with you.
1282
00:58:44,103 --> 00:58:45,854
l will report you.
You will go to jail,
1283
00:58:45,939 --> 00:58:47,314
where you won't have
to pretend to be gay,
1284
00:58:47,398 --> 00:58:50,651
because your asses'll be busier
than a test bench in a plunger factory.
1285
00:58:54,489 --> 00:58:57,366
l just wanted to thank you again
for what you did at the fundraiser.
1286
00:58:57,450 --> 00:58:59,952
Oh, yeah,
that was no big deal.
1287
00:59:00,036 --> 00:59:02,204
You sound a little down.
Where's Larry?
1288
00:59:02,288 --> 00:59:05,874
He's at school with the kids,
doing the Career Day thing.
1289
00:59:05,959 --> 00:59:08,585
So does that mean that you can have
a girl's day with me?
1290
00:59:08,670 --> 00:59:09,836
A girl's day?
Yeah.
1291
00:59:09,921 --> 00:59:12,214
l need some new shoes,
new underwear.
1292
00:59:12,298 --> 00:59:13,423
Girl's day!
1293
00:59:13,508 --> 00:59:14,550
Uh-huh.
1294
00:59:14,676 --> 00:59:15,884
(HOOTlNG)
1295
00:59:16,761 --> 00:59:19,429
Girl's day! Sure.
1296
00:59:20,807 --> 00:59:22,516
l'll pick you up.
1297
01:00:20,575 --> 01:00:21,575
(lNAUDlBLE)
1298
01:00:41,596 --> 01:00:46,683
So, by trading in
pre-refunded municipal bonds,
1299
01:00:46,768 --> 01:00:50,937
we can offer our clients
triple tax-exempt returns.
1300
01:00:51,773 --> 01:00:53,398
Any questions?
1301
01:00:56,277 --> 01:00:58,236
There never are.
1302
01:00:58,321 --> 01:01:02,366
Thank you, Mr. Auerbach,
for that very nice trip down Wall Street.
1303
01:01:02,450 --> 01:01:06,161
Our next parent is Larry Valentine,
Tori's father.
1304
01:01:06,245 --> 01:01:08,914
Hi, everybody!
l am a firefighter,
1305
01:01:09,457 --> 01:01:12,793
and l'm proud to be one because
it's my job to protect the community
1306
01:01:12,877 --> 01:01:16,046
and make sure
it's a safe environment for all.
1307
01:01:16,130 --> 01:01:18,674
Whoa! We got some questions already.
1308
01:01:21,094 --> 01:01:22,344
Yeah.
1309
01:01:22,428 --> 01:01:26,390
l don't like girls, either.
Does that mean l'm gay, too?
1310
01:01:29,143 --> 01:01:31,186
No, no.
1311
01:01:32,355 --> 01:01:34,356
You were married
to a woman, right?
1312
01:01:34,982 --> 01:01:36,024
Yes.
1313
01:01:36,109 --> 01:01:38,527
Does that mean
you're half-lesbian?
1314
01:01:38,611 --> 01:01:42,531
Kids, Mr. Valentine is here to talk
about his career today, okay?
1315
01:01:42,615 --> 01:01:45,117
Mr. Valentine?
You said you're a fireman.
1316
01:01:45,201 --> 01:01:46,368
Yes, that is correct.
1317
01:01:46,452 --> 01:01:47,786
Do you have two jobs?
1318
01:01:47,870 --> 01:01:51,164
Because my dad said
that you're also a butt pirate.
1319
01:01:51,249 --> 01:01:52,624
(BELL RlNGlNG)
1320
01:01:56,796 --> 01:01:58,004
Larry.
1321
01:01:58,089 --> 01:01:59,381
Steve.
1322
01:01:59,799 --> 01:02:00,841
Rough crowd, huh?
1323
01:02:00,925 --> 01:02:02,342
Kids.
Yeah.
1324
01:02:02,427 --> 01:02:06,138
So, listen. We're all set
for the Boy Scout overnight this month.
1325
01:02:06,222 --> 01:02:07,514
Oh, great. We're all set?
1326
01:02:08,599 --> 01:02:11,852
No, we're all set,
like we don't need any more fathers.
1327
01:02:11,936 --> 01:02:14,730
All right, well, then, l guess l'll see you
at Little League, then, all right?
1328
01:02:14,814 --> 01:02:17,023
Oh, you know what?
We're good.
1329
01:02:17,567 --> 01:02:18,650
We are good.
1330
01:02:18,735 --> 01:02:20,277
No, no, no, we're not good.
1331
01:02:20,987 --> 01:02:23,530
We don't need you for Little League.
We're good.
1332
01:02:23,614 --> 01:02:27,492
Okay, Steve, what's going on?
l signed up to coach three months ago.
1333
01:02:27,577 --> 01:02:31,371
Larry, l don't want to get into this
with you here.
1334
01:02:31,456 --> 01:02:34,875
Hey, you know what, Steve?
You're really starting to piss me off.
1335
01:02:34,959 --> 01:02:37,627
l'm trying to get Eric
interested in baseball.
1336
01:02:37,712 --> 01:02:39,963
That kid interested
in baseball?
1337
01:02:40,047 --> 01:02:42,132
You got a better chance getting
Colonel Sanders interested
1338
01:02:42,216 --> 01:02:44,384
in a hamburger, buddy.
1339
01:02:48,639 --> 01:02:50,891
STUDENTS: Fight! Fight! Fight!
1340
01:02:51,893 --> 01:02:52,893
(GROANS)
1341
01:02:54,061 --> 01:02:56,563
Your dad's gay and so are you.
1342
01:02:57,565 --> 01:02:58,565
(STUDENTS CHEERlNG)
1343
01:03:05,031 --> 01:03:06,782
CHUCK: Oh, my hair!
Oh, my hair, my hair!
1344
01:03:06,866 --> 01:03:08,033
ALEX: Oh, my clothes!
1345
01:03:08,117 --> 01:03:09,701
Oh, am l frizzy?
l'm getting frizzy!
1346
01:03:09,786 --> 01:03:14,539
You asshole! Go back to Jersey!
You can go back to Jersey!
1347
01:03:14,624 --> 01:03:18,084
Come on, honey!
Please open the door!
1348
01:03:19,670 --> 01:03:20,670
(SHlVERlNG)
1349
01:03:21,422 --> 01:03:24,341
Whoa, nice pad.
1350
01:03:24,425 --> 01:03:25,801
Oh, thank you.
1351
01:03:26,010 --> 01:03:29,513
Hey, you are soaked. Do you want to borrow
a sweatshirt or something?
1352
01:03:29,597 --> 01:03:32,140
No, no. l'm great, l'm great.
Thank you.
1353
01:03:32,225 --> 01:03:34,059
Okay, but l am freezing, so. . .
1354
01:03:38,773 --> 01:03:39,773
What are you doing there?
1355
01:03:39,857 --> 01:03:41,274
Well, it's wet.
1356
01:03:49,116 --> 01:03:51,618
Actually, you know what?
l'll take that sweatshirt.
1357
01:03:51,702 --> 01:03:52,911
Oh, yeah.
1358
01:03:55,289 --> 01:03:56,456
Thanks.
1359
01:04:06,425 --> 01:04:09,761
So, that's a great body
you got there. l mean,
1360
01:04:10,638 --> 01:04:12,806
it could be the best body
l've ever seen in my life.
1361
01:04:12,890 --> 01:04:14,140
Shut up.
1362
01:04:14,225 --> 01:04:16,434
Besides Larry's. But yours. . .
1363
01:04:17,812 --> 01:04:20,480
Your tush looks like
it's made of muscle,
1364
01:04:20,565 --> 01:04:23,149
and Larry's is made of pudding
and Quarter Pounders
1365
01:04:23,234 --> 01:04:24,901
and God knows what.
1366
01:04:24,986 --> 01:04:27,487
Well, these are real, by the way.
l mean, nobody thinks they are.
1367
01:04:27,572 --> 01:04:30,198
Everyone thinks they're fake,
but they are real.
1368
01:04:30,283 --> 01:04:34,327
Alex. You don't gotta lie to me.
We're two girls hanging out. Come on.
1369
01:04:34,412 --> 01:04:37,080
You kidding me?
There's no silicone here, l swear.
1370
01:04:37,164 --> 01:04:40,125
Oh, no big deal if they are or not.
l don't care.
1371
01:04:40,209 --> 01:04:42,544
l've got nothing to hide.
Feel them.
1372
01:04:43,296 --> 01:04:45,046
Feel them?
Feel them.
1373
01:04:45,631 --> 01:04:47,173
l mean, l. . .
1374
01:04:47,341 --> 01:04:48,675
(STUTTERlNG)
1375
01:04:49,635 --> 01:04:51,303
l have a. . .
1376
01:04:51,387 --> 01:04:55,599
l'd rather feel a flabby man pec,
to be honest with you,
1377
01:04:55,683 --> 01:04:57,934
but in the name of science,
if you need me to hold
1378
01:04:58,019 --> 01:05:00,937
your bodacious Bahama mamas,
1379
01:05:01,022 --> 01:05:03,315
or whatever the guys call them nowadays,
l'll do it.
1380
01:05:03,399 --> 01:05:05,066
Yes, go ahead.
Oh !
1381
01:05:07,945 --> 01:05:09,446
Well?
1382
01:05:09,530 --> 01:05:11,364
Yeah, they're real.
1383
01:05:12,241 --> 01:05:13,491
Told you.
1384
01:05:13,743 --> 01:05:14,993
And creamy.
1385
01:05:17,914 --> 01:05:19,205
And fun.
1386
01:05:20,082 --> 01:05:22,208
For someone who would like
something like this, this is. . .
1387
01:05:22,293 --> 01:05:24,419
But to me, it's, like, ew.
1388
01:05:24,962 --> 01:05:28,089
l just got a little nauseous there,
touching them. That's funny.
1389
01:05:28,174 --> 01:05:29,758
You want a bite?
1390
01:05:30,676 --> 01:05:32,719
No, no, no.
Feeling them's enough.
1391
01:05:33,137 --> 01:05:34,137
l'll do that again.
1392
01:05:34,221 --> 01:05:37,599
No, no, l meant food.
Are you hungry?
1393
01:05:37,683 --> 01:05:40,185
Oh ! l'm sorry.
1394
01:05:40,269 --> 01:05:42,270
Yeah, no. . . Just. . .
1395
01:05:43,189 --> 01:05:44,731
That was funny.
1396
01:05:44,857 --> 01:05:45,857
(CHUCK LAUGHlNG)
1397
01:05:55,910 --> 01:05:57,369
Nice, nice.
1398
01:06:00,289 --> 01:06:03,208
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Me and Nootzie against you three guys.
1399
01:06:03,292 --> 01:06:04,751
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1400
01:06:05,461 --> 01:06:06,962
You don't want to play?
1401
01:06:07,713 --> 01:06:09,798
Hey, Chuckie,
l gotta be honest with you.
1402
01:06:09,882 --> 01:06:13,093
You play real physical defense,
and none of us want you copping a feel
1403
01:06:13,177 --> 01:06:16,262
or rubbing up against
the old boosh-cadoosh here.
1404
01:06:16,514 --> 01:06:19,307
Just 'cause you're gay doesn't mean
that you're horny for every guy you meet.
1405
01:06:19,392 --> 01:06:21,685
Oh, really? 'Cause every time
you covered me in the past,
1406
01:06:21,769 --> 01:06:23,687
l feel like you were
grab-assing on me.
1407
01:06:23,771 --> 01:06:27,273
Yeah. Let the WNBA play.
Come on.
1408
01:06:28,442 --> 01:06:29,734
Fine, go.
1409
01:06:31,612 --> 01:06:33,238
Unbelievable.
1410
01:06:44,083 --> 01:06:45,291
Oh, God.
1411
01:06:45,960 --> 01:06:47,627
What, you want
to mess with me, too?
1412
01:06:48,295 --> 01:06:50,422
Huh? You want to mess
with the queer?
1413
01:06:50,506 --> 01:06:53,341
'Cause this queer don't take shit
from nobody. Let's go, then.
1414
01:06:53,426 --> 01:06:57,137
You ready? l'm a fireman, man !
l ain't afraid of nothing !
1415
01:06:58,889 --> 01:07:00,640
Put your fists down.
1416
01:07:20,703 --> 01:07:21,953
Me, too.
1417
01:07:22,663 --> 01:07:23,830
You, too?
1418
01:07:24,874 --> 01:07:25,874
You, too, what?
1419
01:07:27,960 --> 01:07:29,169
l'm gay.
1420
01:07:32,173 --> 01:07:34,591
l can't believe
l finally said it.
1421
01:07:36,552 --> 01:07:38,678
Oh, God, it feels so good.
1422
01:07:38,846 --> 01:07:41,514
lt's just like a wave
is crashing over me.
1423
01:07:43,976 --> 01:07:45,602
lt's so liberating.
1424
01:07:45,686 --> 01:07:47,020
Oh, yeah.
1425
01:07:49,231 --> 01:07:52,609
Do you remember
the first time you said it?
1426
01:07:53,152 --> 01:07:56,112
First time l said. . . Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1427
01:07:56,197 --> 01:07:58,073
l was with Larry.
1428
01:07:58,157 --> 01:07:59,866
Your lover.
Yeah.
1429
01:08:00,493 --> 01:08:02,952
Who, by the way,
is absolutely gorgeous.
1430
01:08:03,037 --> 01:08:04,829
Oh, thanks.
1431
01:08:04,914 --> 01:08:06,873
He's mine, though, so. . .
1432
01:08:06,957 --> 01:08:08,666
Oh, no, that's your man.
1433
01:08:08,751 --> 01:08:09,751
Mmm-hmm.
1434
01:08:09,835 --> 01:08:10,960
Yeah.
1435
01:08:11,045 --> 01:08:14,130
My whole life
l've been living a lie.
1436
01:08:14,215 --> 01:08:18,301
But you and Larry have given me
the strength to be true to myself.
1437
01:08:18,928 --> 01:08:20,970
"To thine own self be true."
1438
01:08:23,057 --> 01:08:27,227
There's nothing worse than pretending
to be something that you're not.
1439
01:08:27,311 --> 01:08:32,107
Yeah. Yeah, well, l'm glad.
l'm glad we helped you out,
1440
01:08:32,733 --> 01:08:35,527
and anything else we can do,
you don't hesitate to ask.
1441
01:08:35,820 --> 01:08:39,405
Would you help me
tell my parents?
1442
01:08:40,407 --> 01:08:41,449
l guess.
1443
01:08:41,534 --> 01:08:42,700
Yes!
1444
01:08:42,785 --> 01:08:44,911
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
1445
01:08:44,995 --> 01:08:46,704
Oh, yes, yes, yes, girl !
1446
01:08:46,789 --> 01:08:47,789
(CHUCK LAUGHlNG)
1447
01:08:48,415 --> 01:08:50,959
Hey, did you guys catch
that Mets game last night?
1448
01:08:51,043 --> 01:08:53,920
They got a shot of my cousin
throwing a beer at the ump.
1449
01:08:54,004 --> 01:08:56,589
l missed it. Took my sister
to the electrolysis place
1450
01:08:56,674 --> 01:08:58,007
for a second opinion.
1451
01:08:58,092 --> 01:08:59,759
They said there's nothing
they could do.
1452
01:08:59,927 --> 01:09:01,553
(MEN LAUGHlNG)
1453
01:09:02,138 --> 01:09:04,139
What the hell is so funny?
1454
01:09:30,791 --> 01:09:32,417
No!
1455
01:09:49,143 --> 01:09:50,185
Pick that up, would you?
1456
01:09:50,269 --> 01:09:52,061
l ain't picking that up!
1457
01:09:52,146 --> 01:09:54,856
You want my soap, Renaldo?
Right here.
1458
01:09:57,860 --> 01:09:59,235
Hey, Tony, give me your soap.
1459
01:09:59,320 --> 01:10:01,446
No. l don't share soap.
Too many germies.
1460
01:10:01,572 --> 01:10:03,156
Come on, give me the damn bar of soap!
1461
01:10:03,282 --> 01:10:04,616
Get out of here! Get out of here!
1462
01:10:12,166 --> 01:10:13,833
Who's gonna do it?
1463
01:10:41,528 --> 01:10:43,279
Hey, how you doing?
1464
01:10:45,532 --> 01:10:46,950
CHUCK: Hey, Duncan.
1465
01:10:48,494 --> 01:10:50,787
l'll tell you about that later.
1466
01:10:54,833 --> 01:10:55,792
(SlNGlNG)
1467
01:10:55,876 --> 01:11:00,838
'Cause l'm every woman
lt's all in me
1468
01:11:00,923 --> 01:11:05,051
Anything you want now, baby
l'll do it naturally
1469
01:11:08,055 --> 01:11:09,889
Let me hear you say it
1470
01:11:12,184 --> 01:11:13,142
Lawrence.
1471
01:11:13,227 --> 01:11:14,811
Oh, a little louder
1472
01:11:17,064 --> 01:11:19,023
Everybody sing now
1473
01:11:21,277 --> 01:11:23,486
l can't hear you sing
1474
01:11:32,871 --> 01:11:34,205
All right, yours is done.
1475
01:11:34,290 --> 01:11:35,999
Yours, too.
1476
01:11:36,083 --> 01:11:37,583
All right, take a look.
Okay.
1477
01:11:37,668 --> 01:11:39,627
CHUCK: "Girlz Rule" with a "Z."
1478
01:11:39,712 --> 01:11:41,170
This is so awesome.
1479
01:11:41,255 --> 01:11:42,297
l hope you like yours.
1480
01:11:42,381 --> 01:11:43,756
Let's see here.
1481
01:11:44,300 --> 01:11:46,342
"Friends forever."
1482
01:11:47,344 --> 01:11:49,846
Anything with forever and you in it
sounds pretty good to me.
1483
01:11:49,930 --> 01:11:52,473
This is great.
Just slide her on.
1484
01:11:52,558 --> 01:11:54,434
You know what's
still bugging me, though?
1485
01:11:54,518 --> 01:11:57,729
That those Guidos wouldn't even
let you play basketball with them.
1486
01:11:57,813 --> 01:12:01,274
We could get a court order
and have them suspended in two seconds.
1487
01:12:01,358 --> 01:12:03,776
Court order? No, no, no.
These guys are good guys.
1488
01:12:03,861 --> 01:12:06,112
They're just having
problems adjusting.
1489
01:12:06,488 --> 01:12:08,406
Calm down. Relax.
Finish your wine.
1490
01:12:08,490 --> 01:12:09,824
Come on.
1491
01:12:09,908 --> 01:12:11,451
Okay.
1492
01:12:16,165 --> 01:12:17,874
You're right. You're right.
Yeah.
1493
01:12:17,958 --> 01:12:20,918
But you know what would really
help me to relax?
1494
01:12:22,963 --> 01:12:24,380
ls a foot rub.
1495
01:12:25,090 --> 01:12:28,926
Please. Please.
You'll be my bestest friend.
1496
01:12:29,762 --> 01:12:33,097
Oh, they're good.
Yeah, l can handle it. Give me these.
1497
01:12:34,141 --> 01:12:37,226
You know, l love that you're
a chubby chaser, by the way.
1498
01:12:37,311 --> 01:12:38,478
A chubby what-what?
1499
01:12:38,562 --> 01:12:40,563
Well, you know,
Larry's heavyset.
1500
01:12:40,647 --> 01:12:44,150
l mean, is that the type of guy
you've always been attracted to?
1501
01:12:45,235 --> 01:12:48,154
No, he's my first fatty.
1502
01:12:48,822 --> 01:12:52,700
Yeah, you guys really seem
like you have a lot of sexual chemistry.
1503
01:12:52,785 --> 01:12:55,286
l float his boat
and he sinks mine.
1504
01:12:55,746 --> 01:13:01,084
Yeah, l've never had that, really had that,
with anybody before. l just. . .
1505
01:13:01,168 --> 01:13:03,544
l don't even know
if l know what l'm doing.
1506
01:13:03,629 --> 01:13:04,587
What?
1507
01:13:04,671 --> 01:13:07,006
l'm serious. Come on.
1508
01:13:07,966 --> 01:13:10,885
Give me some moves.
How do you turn Larry on?
1509
01:13:11,261 --> 01:13:13,679
How do l turn Larry on?
1510
01:13:15,391 --> 01:13:19,644
l mean, to get him into bed, of course,
l just lay a pizza out. . .
1511
01:13:19,728 --> 01:13:21,270
No!
. . .and he comes running.
1512
01:13:21,355 --> 01:13:22,855
Really. Seriously.
1513
01:13:24,024 --> 01:13:29,737
Well, he likes it
when l rub his big, hairy earlobe.
1514
01:13:30,280 --> 01:13:31,697
That gets him crazy.
1515
01:13:31,782 --> 01:13:32,782
Really?
1516
01:13:32,866 --> 01:13:34,617
Yeah, it's a spot of his.
1517
01:13:35,411 --> 01:13:36,702
Try it on me.
1518
01:13:36,787 --> 01:13:38,079
Try it on you? Yeah, yeah.
1519
01:13:38,163 --> 01:13:39,247
Yeah.
1520
01:13:39,331 --> 01:13:41,290
You know, l just grab it and. . .
1521
01:13:42,793 --> 01:13:47,213
Usually when l do this to Larry,
he's like, boing ! You know?
1522
01:13:48,048 --> 01:13:49,590
l love it.
You do?
1523
01:13:49,675 --> 01:13:51,092
Yeah. Like that?
1524
01:13:51,176 --> 01:13:53,886
Sure, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah,
work both hands. l like that.
1525
01:13:53,971 --> 01:13:56,722
And then you can go to some hair-pulling,
right about like that.
1526
01:13:56,807 --> 01:13:57,849
Like that?
Yeah.
1527
01:13:57,933 --> 01:14:00,059
Oh, yeah, let him know you're there,
know what l mean?
1528
01:14:00,144 --> 01:14:02,019
And then the slap out
of nowhere is good.
1529
01:14:02,104 --> 01:14:03,896
That is good.
Uh-huh.
1530
01:14:04,898 --> 01:14:07,483
Yeah. Not Ultimate Fighting
kind of smacking.
1531
01:14:07,568 --> 01:14:10,319
Just light and sexual and fun.
Sorry.
1532
01:14:10,404 --> 01:14:13,156
How did you get to be
so good at all this?
1533
01:14:13,240 --> 01:14:16,033
l don't know.
A lot of practice l guess.
1534
01:14:16,118 --> 01:14:19,454
l used to be kind of a jerk.
1535
01:14:19,538 --> 01:14:23,583
But then you meet
somebody special
1536
01:14:23,667 --> 01:14:26,544
who makes you
not want to be a jerk anymore.
1537
01:14:26,628 --> 01:14:32,175
Actually, it makes you want to
give everything you got to that one person.
1538
01:14:36,013 --> 01:14:39,015
Yeah. You know, it's true when women say
that all of the good men are
1539
01:14:39,099 --> 01:14:41,225
either gay or married.
1540
01:14:41,310 --> 01:14:44,854
And of course,
l'm hanging out with one who's both.
1541
01:14:44,938 --> 01:14:49,484
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Just for the record, though,
1542
01:14:49,568 --> 01:14:53,029
if l wasn't so
into chubby hubbies
1543
01:14:53,113 --> 01:14:55,156
or chunky monkeys. . .
What did you say again?
1544
01:14:55,240 --> 01:14:56,199
Chubby chaser.
1545
01:14:56,283 --> 01:14:57,700
Oh, yeah, yeah.
1546
01:14:59,286 --> 01:15:01,412
l would be just so all over you.
1547
01:15:01,497 --> 01:15:04,165
Oh, come on. No way.
1548
01:15:04,249 --> 01:15:06,042
Are you kidding me?
Look at you.
1549
01:15:06,126 --> 01:15:11,964
You're gorgeous, and you're smart,
you're passionate, funny.
1550
01:15:14,593 --> 01:15:16,636
l'm just so happy l met you.
1551
01:15:16,720 --> 01:15:18,638
Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1552
01:15:19,640 --> 01:15:22,308
Friends. Friends forever.
1553
01:15:32,152 --> 01:15:33,528
Oh, yeah.
1554
01:15:40,827 --> 01:15:42,912
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, what are we doing?
1555
01:15:42,996 --> 01:15:46,499
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no.
Hey, hey, Alex.
1556
01:15:47,042 --> 01:15:50,002
l just never felt this way
about a woman before.
1557
01:15:50,087 --> 01:15:51,337
Because you're gay.
1558
01:15:51,421 --> 01:15:53,673
And you're married.
And you're my client.
1559
01:15:53,840 --> 01:15:54,840
This is so wrong !
1560
01:15:54,925 --> 01:15:57,093
No, it's not about right or wrong,
1561
01:15:57,177 --> 01:16:00,429
or gay or straight,
or hard or soft. lt's. . .
1562
01:16:02,182 --> 01:16:03,474
(MOANS)
1563
01:16:04,601 --> 01:16:05,685
Wow.
1564
01:16:06,311 --> 01:16:08,271
No! l can't see you.
1565
01:16:08,480 --> 01:16:10,856
l can't see you.
Except as a client.
1566
01:16:10,941 --> 01:16:12,817
Alex, don't say that. Please?
1567
01:16:12,901 --> 01:16:15,945
l believe in marriage.
l believe in what it represents.
1568
01:16:16,029 --> 01:16:21,242
l betrayed you. l betrayed Larry!
Oh, my God, poor Larry!
1569
01:16:21,326 --> 01:16:25,871
Larry, he's a great guy, but l gotta be
honest with you, our marriage is. . .
1570
01:16:26,665 --> 01:16:30,918
All he does is watch his baseball games,
and, like, l don't even exist anymore!
1571
01:16:31,044 --> 01:16:32,587
You have to go. l'm sorry.
1572
01:16:33,005 --> 01:16:34,547
He hits me, though.
1573
01:16:34,631 --> 01:16:37,883
l'm so sorry.
Please, please, please go.
1574
01:16:46,768 --> 01:16:47,852
Hey!
1575
01:16:49,187 --> 01:16:51,772
What the hell's going on out here?
1576
01:16:52,524 --> 01:16:55,943
Nothing. l'm just draining a few buckets
with Eric and Tori over here,
1577
01:16:56,028 --> 01:16:57,528
making small talk, you know?
1578
01:16:57,696 --> 01:16:58,863
You'd think on such a nice day,
1579
01:16:58,947 --> 01:17:01,115
your husband would want to
spend time with his family.
1580
01:17:01,199 --> 01:17:03,534
Where is he, anyway?
ls he out straight-bashing again?
1581
01:17:03,619 --> 01:17:05,786
No, he's at his mother's.
He's taking her to the movies.
1582
01:17:05,871 --> 01:17:08,789
No, Daddy.
He's with that smoking hot lawyer lady
1583
01:17:08,874 --> 01:17:11,250
he always talks about
when you're not around.
1584
01:17:11,335 --> 01:17:12,793
He is?
1585
01:17:12,919 --> 01:17:13,961
(EXCLAlMlNG)
1586
01:17:14,379 --> 01:17:15,421
Hey!
1587
01:17:16,423 --> 01:17:20,176
l just felt a breeze,
Mr. Valentine,
1588
01:17:20,260 --> 01:17:22,970
and that breeze is blowing
straight towards justice.
1589
01:17:27,434 --> 01:17:28,559
(PEOPLE YELLlNG)
1590
01:17:35,108 --> 01:17:38,027
Hey, guys, we got a perpetrator
lodged in the air duct.
1591
01:17:38,111 --> 01:17:41,989
Apparently tried to break in last night,
got stuck.
1592
01:17:42,074 --> 01:17:43,449
You're the guys
from the newspaper, right?
1593
01:17:43,533 --> 01:17:45,451
Yeah, that's us.
All right, well,
then you're gonna love this.
1594
01:17:45,535 --> 01:17:49,955
The guy got stuck upside-down,
so his ass is still hanging out for you.
1595
01:17:50,040 --> 01:17:52,208
That's pretty funny.
Did your moustache come up with that?
1596
01:17:52,292 --> 01:17:54,919
Oh, l'm sorry,
l don't speak Gayanese.
1597
01:17:57,839 --> 01:18:00,675
Hey, anybody!
You gotta get me out of here!
1598
01:18:00,759 --> 01:18:02,843
l just peed on my face!
1599
01:18:02,928 --> 01:18:06,138
All right, relax, buddy,
l'm here to help.
1600
01:18:06,473 --> 01:18:10,059
Unlike some people around here,
who only help themselves.
1601
01:18:10,143 --> 01:18:12,019
Who are you talking about?
You.
1602
01:18:12,104 --> 01:18:13,229
Why? What happened?
1603
01:18:13,313 --> 01:18:14,939
Fitzer came by today,
and Tori told him about
1604
01:18:15,023 --> 01:18:16,774
your obsession
with our hot-ass lawyer.
1605
01:18:16,858 --> 01:18:19,235
Obsession? What? What?
What is she talking about?
1606
01:18:19,319 --> 01:18:21,904
Don't even give me that,
Mr. l'm Taking My Mom To A Movie.
1607
01:18:21,988 --> 01:18:23,489
You know what?
Maybe if you were around today,
1608
01:18:23,573 --> 01:18:25,741
Fitzer would actually think that,
l don't know, you like me.
1609
01:18:25,826 --> 01:18:27,910
Hey, man, l gotta lie to you !
1610
01:18:27,994 --> 01:18:30,246
Thanks to you,
l gotta lie to everybody!
1611
01:18:30,330 --> 01:18:33,499
Especially Alex!
l can't be honest with her!
1612
01:18:33,583 --> 01:18:36,335
l can't even get close to her.
l can't even have freaking fun with her!
1613
01:18:36,420 --> 01:18:39,547
Why can't you have fun with me?
We always used to have fun. l just. . .
1614
01:18:39,631 --> 01:18:41,090
Because you've changed !
1615
01:18:41,174 --> 01:18:43,384
Ever since you forced me
to marry you,
1616
01:18:43,468 --> 01:18:44,802
you're so goddamn controlling.
1617
01:18:44,886 --> 01:18:47,805
You don't act like my freaking husband,
you act like my boss.
1618
01:18:47,889 --> 01:18:51,267
"Don't do this!" "Don't do that!"
"Hey, what time you coming home tonight?"
1619
01:18:51,351 --> 01:18:53,769
You're smothering me, man !
l can't freaking breathe!
1620
01:18:53,854 --> 01:18:55,813
What you guys need
is a bubble bath.
1621
01:18:55,897 --> 01:18:57,022
CHUCK AND LARRY: Shut up!
1622
01:18:57,107 --> 01:19:00,776
ldiot, the only reason you're feeling that way
is because you're afraid of feeling trapped.
1623
01:19:00,861 --> 01:19:02,486
That's what happens
when you get married !
1624
01:19:02,571 --> 01:19:05,281
Fat-ass, we're not
really married !
1625
01:19:05,365 --> 01:19:07,616
l'm just in some gay,
crazy nightmare!
1626
01:19:07,701 --> 01:19:10,244
Yeah, that you can't commit to,
'cause you can't commit to anything !
1627
01:19:10,328 --> 01:19:13,497
l swear to God, l feel like l'm the only one
who's trying to make this thing work!
1628
01:19:13,582 --> 01:19:17,293
Work! That's right, it's become work!
This relationship is work!
1629
01:19:17,377 --> 01:19:20,045
Face it, we are not
supposed to be together.
1630
01:19:20,130 --> 01:19:22,923
l found somebody
l really want to be with.
1631
01:19:23,008 --> 01:19:25,217
lnstead of being jealous of that,
why don't you do the same?
1632
01:19:25,302 --> 01:19:27,011
Because l still love my wife.
1633
01:19:27,095 --> 01:19:29,388
Well, move on already.
1634
01:19:29,473 --> 01:19:32,558
Your house is like
a freaking shrine to Paula!
1635
01:19:32,642 --> 01:19:35,478
One of these days
you gotta get a real wife,
1636
01:19:35,562 --> 01:19:38,063
one that your kids don't gotta
lie about every two seconds.
1637
01:19:38,148 --> 01:19:40,232
No, you can't keep it in your pants
for five minutes,
1638
01:19:40,317 --> 01:19:41,942
and that's why we're
so screwed up now!
1639
01:19:42,027 --> 01:19:45,237
Whoa, back up, buddy.
You know why we're in this jam.
1640
01:19:45,322 --> 01:19:47,281
'Cause you can't open
your freaking mail !
1641
01:19:47,365 --> 01:19:49,950
Everything with Paula's name on it
gets tossed in a desk
1642
01:19:50,035 --> 01:19:52,119
and filed under
"Too painful to deal with"!
1643
01:19:52,245 --> 01:19:54,955
Guys, could you at least call
another fire department?
1644
01:19:55,040 --> 01:19:57,666
What is your rush, idiot?
You're going straight to jail anyway.
1645
01:19:57,751 --> 01:20:00,669
You know what? l cannot deal with sleeping
next to your stupid, ugly face tonight.
1646
01:20:00,754 --> 01:20:02,004
So don't bother coming
in the bedroom.
1647
01:20:02,088 --> 01:20:03,547
Oh, wouldn't dream of it, honey.
1648
01:20:03,632 --> 01:20:07,176
You are a lousy best friend
and a shitty husband !
1649
01:20:07,260 --> 01:20:10,387
Hey! For the record,
every time l laughed at one of your jokes,
1650
01:20:10,472 --> 01:20:12,431
l was faking it.
1651
01:20:12,557 --> 01:20:14,183
You're a monster!
1652
01:20:19,606 --> 01:20:22,316
Oh, my God,
it's Mr. February!
1653
01:20:22,400 --> 01:20:24,985
l love you, l love you, l love you !
1654
01:20:25,070 --> 01:20:26,403
l love you !
1655
01:20:30,408 --> 01:20:32,618
Wow, that's a gay bracelet.
1656
01:20:33,370 --> 01:20:34,787
l hope Fitzer sees that.
1657
01:20:36,331 --> 01:20:37,665
Shut up.
1658
01:20:46,466 --> 01:20:47,466
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
1659
01:20:48,134 --> 01:20:49,218
You needed to see us?
1660
01:20:49,302 --> 01:20:50,761
Shut the door.
1661
01:20:52,931 --> 01:20:55,474
You know,
for the first time this month,
1662
01:20:55,559 --> 01:20:58,519
l pissed without spraying
in all three urinals at once,
1663
01:20:58,603 --> 01:21:00,062
so l was in a relatively good mood.
1664
01:21:00,605 --> 01:21:02,147
Until l received this.
1665
01:21:04,818 --> 01:21:06,610
Seems the guys in the company
took a meeting.
1666
01:21:06,695 --> 01:21:10,114
They all signed that petition requesting
that l transfer you both out of here.
1667
01:21:10,198 --> 01:21:11,907
What?
And you're gonna listen to these idiots?
1668
01:21:11,992 --> 01:21:13,701
l'm not gonna do it,
but l have to do something
1669
01:21:13,785 --> 01:21:15,035
to keep the peace.
1670
01:21:15,120 --> 01:21:16,787
Now, personally,
l think it's just a matter of time
1671
01:21:16,872 --> 01:21:19,665
before your little act gets busted.
Until then, you're on separate shifts.
1672
01:21:19,749 --> 01:21:20,749
What?
Separate shifts?
1673
01:21:20,834 --> 01:21:22,418
Hey, we've been together forever!
1674
01:21:22,502 --> 01:21:24,837
So were my balls,
and now l only have one of them.
1675
01:21:24,921 --> 01:21:25,963
Wow.
1676
01:21:26,047 --> 01:21:28,549
Valentine, go to work.
Levine, go home.
1677
01:21:36,558 --> 01:21:38,183
Hey, fellas!
1678
01:21:38,476 --> 01:21:42,980
Hey. Heard you guys have been
circulating a petition.
1679
01:21:44,274 --> 01:21:47,484
You mind if l take a look at it?
1680
01:21:48,028 --> 01:21:50,905
Oh, what do you know?
l got it right here.
1681
01:21:51,406 --> 01:21:53,574
lt's impressive.
Lot of names.
1682
01:21:53,783 --> 01:21:55,868
Let's go down the list,
see who we got here.
1683
01:21:56,870 --> 01:22:01,457
Nootzie! Hey, you remember that time
Chuck and l ran back in that textile plant
1684
01:22:01,708 --> 01:22:03,751
and dragged your limp body out?
1685
01:22:03,835 --> 01:22:07,296
Even though Chuck's leg was broken,
like, in three different places?
1686
01:22:07,380 --> 01:22:10,341
l mean, that was pretty
freaking gay of Chuck, huh?
1687
01:22:10,425 --> 01:22:13,344
Wow. Renaldo!
1688
01:22:13,845 --> 01:22:16,096
Man, l remember your first day
on the job.
1689
01:22:16,181 --> 01:22:19,475
Remember you were so scared
you actually crapped yourself?
1690
01:22:19,559 --> 01:22:21,310
And Chuck and l,
we snuck you back in here,
1691
01:22:21,394 --> 01:22:23,187
we cleaned you up
so nobody'd find out.
1692
01:22:23,271 --> 01:22:25,064
You begged us not to tell anyone,
and did we?
1693
01:22:25,231 --> 01:22:26,231
Let's ask.
1694
01:22:26,942 --> 01:22:29,818
You guys hear that story before right now?
Show of hands?
1695
01:22:29,903 --> 01:22:31,654
No, but it's hilarious.
1696
01:22:31,738 --> 01:22:33,822
Yeah, it is hilarious.
1697
01:22:35,408 --> 01:22:38,369
Tony! Nice signature.
1698
01:22:38,453 --> 01:22:41,163
Hey, is that the same one you used
to endorse the check that Chuck gave you
1699
01:22:41,247 --> 01:22:44,291
when you gambled away
your mortgage payment on college football?
1700
01:22:44,376 --> 01:22:46,669
l guess his money wasn't
too gay to bail you out
1701
01:22:46,753 --> 01:22:48,837
or keep your wife
from leaving you again.
1702
01:22:48,922 --> 01:22:50,255
Again?
1703
01:22:51,091 --> 01:22:52,716
l guess Chuck's
not enough of a man
1704
01:22:52,801 --> 01:22:55,177
to work next to big strong heroes
like you guys.
1705
01:22:55,261 --> 01:22:56,261
(FlRE BELL RlNGlNG)
1706
01:22:56,346 --> 01:22:58,347
Oh, look at that. Fire.
1707
01:22:58,431 --> 01:22:59,932
Well, l hope it's not a bad one,
1708
01:23:00,016 --> 01:23:01,892
'cause the faggot who's been
saving your sorry asses
1709
01:23:01,977 --> 01:23:05,479
is now, thanks to you,
working on another shift. Let's go!
1710
01:23:08,191 --> 01:23:10,401
"That's when Sadie said,
1711
01:23:10,485 --> 01:23:13,612
"'Love will always help you
find your way home."'
1712
01:23:14,864 --> 01:23:17,616
CHUCK: Sleeping. Sleeping.
1713
01:23:20,829 --> 01:23:22,371
That was easy.
1714
01:23:57,907 --> 01:24:00,034
Paula, you know l love you.
1715
01:24:02,370 --> 01:24:03,746
l gotta.
1716
01:24:23,433 --> 01:24:24,516
Hey.
1717
01:24:26,352 --> 01:24:27,644
l'm sorry.
1718
01:24:29,022 --> 01:24:30,355
Me, too.
1719
01:24:31,149 --> 01:24:32,149
That stuff l said. . .
1720
01:24:32,233 --> 01:24:33,525
l know.
1721
01:24:36,112 --> 01:24:38,363
Can l sleep in the bed tonight?
1722
01:24:40,533 --> 01:24:42,034
l'd like that.
1723
01:24:43,369 --> 01:24:44,787
All right.
1724
01:24:46,790 --> 01:24:48,582
Come here.
Yeah.
1725
01:24:57,884 --> 01:24:59,551
Handle with care.
1726
01:25:00,887 --> 01:25:02,262
CHUCK: (lMlTATlNG FEMALE VOlCE)
Larry. . .
1727
01:25:03,890 --> 01:25:08,477
Don't let him sleep
on top of me again, Larry.
1728
01:25:08,561 --> 01:25:10,729
Don't do the voice.
l will kill you, l swear.
1729
01:25:10,814 --> 01:25:11,939
CHUCK: Okay, then.
1730
01:25:12,023 --> 01:25:13,524
Hey! Hey, hey!
1731
01:25:13,608 --> 01:25:15,484
CHUCK: You ready for your big day,
little man?
1732
01:25:15,568 --> 01:25:16,652
Big day?
1733
01:25:16,736 --> 01:25:20,155
My audition, Dad. Me and Uncle Chuck
have been practicing for weeks.
1734
01:25:20,240 --> 01:25:23,492
He wanted to work with you,
but l was around, so. . .
1735
01:25:23,576 --> 01:25:27,663
Why don't you do one last rehearsal,
let your father play the Annie role?
1736
01:25:27,747 --> 01:25:29,915
Fabulicious!
l'll get my music!
1737
01:25:29,999 --> 01:25:31,834
Did you hear that?
lt's fabulicious!
1738
01:25:31,918 --> 01:25:33,627
Hey, come on, come on.
Okay.
1739
01:25:33,795 --> 01:25:37,089
(SlNGlNG)
May, me, my, mo, mo
Me, my, mo, may
1740
01:25:37,340 --> 01:25:42,761
Anything you can do, l can do better
l can do anything better than you
1741
01:25:42,929 --> 01:25:45,639
No, you can't
Yes, l can
1742
01:25:45,723 --> 01:25:46,974
No, you can't
1743
01:25:47,058 --> 01:25:48,976
Yes, l can, yes, l can
1744
01:25:49,060 --> 01:25:50,894
Yes, he can ! Hit it!
1745
01:25:51,980 --> 01:25:53,564
There's my star!
1746
01:25:53,648 --> 01:25:57,943
Turn it around, and a flip, flip, flip,
flippety-flip and a skip.
1747
01:25:58,444 --> 01:25:59,862
Double-time!
1748
01:26:01,906 --> 01:26:03,365
(EXCLAlMlNG)
1749
01:26:05,577 --> 01:26:06,827
And a Russian split!
1750
01:26:06,995 --> 01:26:09,204
Oh, you nailed it!
1751
01:26:09,289 --> 01:26:10,706
My kid is pretty awesome.
1752
01:26:10,790 --> 01:26:12,875
There's only one guy l know
who can dance better than that.
1753
01:26:12,959 --> 01:26:15,043
Who?
The homeless guy
from our wedding.
1754
01:26:15,128 --> 01:26:16,336
(CHANTlNG)
1755
01:26:16,421 --> 01:26:18,881
That dude was
pretty good. Yeah !
1756
01:26:18,965 --> 01:26:20,132
(PHONE RlNGlNG)
1757
01:26:21,926 --> 01:26:23,552
Balls and wieners.
1758
01:26:23,636 --> 01:26:24,678
ALEX: ls it true?
1759
01:26:24,888 --> 01:26:26,096
Alex?
1760
01:26:28,850 --> 01:26:29,975
Look at this.
1761
01:26:30,185 --> 01:26:33,478
Sixteen depositions from women
who claim to have slept with you
1762
01:26:33,563 --> 01:26:34,980
over the last year and a half.
1763
01:26:35,064 --> 01:26:36,481
Just 1 6?
1764
01:26:36,566 --> 01:26:38,609
Thank God the 500 other ones
couldn't read or write.
1765
01:26:38,693 --> 01:26:41,945
Wait a minute.
You knew about him and all these women?
1766
01:26:42,030 --> 01:26:44,740
Alex, know what it is?
We've been through this before.
1767
01:26:44,824 --> 01:26:45,991
Chuck's. . .
1768
01:26:46,159 --> 01:26:48,577
He's got a bit of a problem.
1769
01:26:48,661 --> 01:26:51,705
He messes around
with women because
1770
01:26:52,874 --> 01:26:55,292
he's ashamed of being gay.
1771
01:26:55,376 --> 01:26:57,794
Now, is it all just about you,
1772
01:26:57,879 --> 01:27:00,631
or do you really just don't consider
anybody else's feelings?
1773
01:27:00,715 --> 01:27:03,342
No, l don't.
l'm just a big gay jerk.
1774
01:27:06,596 --> 01:27:08,388
What are you doing?
You know you like that.
1775
01:27:08,473 --> 01:27:11,141
Guys, guys, the shit is
about to hit the fan, okay?
1776
01:27:11,226 --> 01:27:12,434
And if l'm gonna defend you,
1777
01:27:12,518 --> 01:27:14,686
l have to know the truth.
1778
01:27:14,771 --> 01:27:18,523
You have to look me in the eyes
and tell me that you are gay
1779
01:27:18,608 --> 01:27:20,067
and that this marriage
is legitimate.
1780
01:27:20,151 --> 01:27:22,986
Alex, we're gay, okay?
1781
01:27:23,071 --> 01:27:25,405
And we are married.
1782
01:27:29,535 --> 01:27:31,078
lt's real.
1783
01:27:33,164 --> 01:27:34,706
Can you help us out?
1784
01:27:35,208 --> 01:27:36,583
Okay.
1785
01:27:37,961 --> 01:27:40,629
Okay. This investigation is
gonna get rough.
1786
01:27:40,797 --> 01:27:43,465
They are gonna quiz you
about every detail of your lives,
1787
01:27:43,549 --> 01:27:45,926
every aspect
of your relationship.
1788
01:27:46,010 --> 01:27:50,430
But since you guys are telling the truth,
then l'm sure you'll be fine.
1789
01:27:52,058 --> 01:27:55,310
Just for the record, l thought
this was a man when l was with her.
1790
01:27:55,395 --> 01:27:57,229
Does that help us out at all?
1791
01:27:57,939 --> 01:27:59,481
(DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG)
1792
01:28:05,029 --> 01:28:07,489
Let's go over it again.
Your birthday?
1793
01:28:07,573 --> 01:28:09,616
April 26th. Taurus.
1794
01:28:09,701 --> 01:28:10,826
Got it.
1795
01:28:10,910 --> 01:28:11,994
Yours?
1796
01:28:12,078 --> 01:28:13,245
September 9th. Virgo.
1797
01:28:14,080 --> 01:28:15,789
How about
your favorite brand of underwear?
1798
01:28:15,873 --> 01:28:17,708
That would be
Mr. Calvin Klein.
1799
01:28:17,792 --> 01:28:20,168
l can tell you
my least favorite.
1800
01:28:20,253 --> 01:28:21,336
CHUCK: Whoa!
1801
01:28:21,421 --> 01:28:22,587
(CHUCK LAUGHlNG)
1802
01:28:34,642 --> 01:28:35,767
(CROWD CLAMORlNG)
1803
01:28:47,822 --> 01:28:49,740
l love you, Mr. February!
1804
01:28:50,199 --> 01:28:52,909
You're going down !
You're an abomination ! Homo!
1805
01:28:56,873 --> 01:28:58,874
l'm on fire! Help me!
1806
01:28:58,958 --> 01:29:00,667
We're all with you, Larry!
1807
01:29:00,752 --> 01:29:02,961
MAN 1 : Fear the queer!
1808
01:29:12,638 --> 01:29:14,890
MAN 2: Thou shalt not lie with men !
1809
01:29:14,974 --> 01:29:17,267
All right, Mr. February,
1810
01:29:17,352 --> 01:29:20,062
let's go show these guys
how married we are.
1811
01:29:20,146 --> 01:29:21,730
What the heck?
1812
01:29:23,316 --> 01:29:25,108
(CROWD CHEERlNG)
1813
01:29:35,203 --> 01:29:36,703
What are you guys doing here?
1814
01:29:36,788 --> 01:29:41,041
We're here to apologize and back you up,
like you always did for us.
1815
01:29:41,125 --> 01:29:44,753
Yeah, we all lost a lot of friends on this job
that we will never get back.
1816
01:29:44,837 --> 01:29:47,756
We don't want to lose two more
because we were being thickheaded.
1817
01:29:47,840 --> 01:29:50,133
Yeah. We're partners for life.
1818
01:29:50,551 --> 01:29:52,511
Not partners like youse two,
1819
01:29:52,595 --> 01:29:54,596
but you know what l mean.
1820
01:29:54,680 --> 01:29:55,806
Yeah.
1821
01:29:56,808 --> 01:29:58,183
l love youse guys.
1822
01:29:58,267 --> 01:29:59,601
That's all right, man.
1823
01:29:59,685 --> 01:30:02,562
Molest him ! No, l'm just kidding.
l'm kidding you, Nootz. l'm kidding.
1824
01:30:02,688 --> 01:30:03,688
(MEN LAUGHlNG)
1825
01:30:06,526 --> 01:30:08,235
Hey, Chuckie.
Yeah?
1826
01:30:08,361 --> 01:30:10,737
l gotta ask you something.
l mean. . .
What's up?
1827
01:30:10,822 --> 01:30:12,239
. . .why'd you pick Larry?
1828
01:30:12,490 --> 01:30:16,368
l mean, l work out,
l tweeze my unibrow.
1829
01:30:16,869 --> 01:30:19,162
Am l not good-looking enough for you
or some shit?
1830
01:30:19,247 --> 01:30:21,456
No, no, no.
Renaldo, you're just not my type.
1831
01:30:21,541 --> 01:30:22,874
You're a 1 0.
1832
01:30:23,209 --> 01:30:26,378
l just like them chubby.
That's my thing.
1833
01:30:28,840 --> 01:30:30,090
l'm a 1 0!
1834
01:30:30,383 --> 01:30:33,343
You hear that? l'm a 1 0!
1835
01:30:33,428 --> 01:30:35,137
On a scale to 1 00.
1836
01:30:35,555 --> 01:30:38,890
You're just jealous
'cause gay guys like me.
1837
01:30:40,560 --> 01:30:43,854
Good morning, everyone.
l'm Daniel Banks, City Council President,
1838
01:30:43,938 --> 01:30:46,940
and l'll be presiding
over these proceedings.
1839
01:30:47,024 --> 01:30:50,318
lt's going to be a long day,
so let's dispense with the preliminaries
1840
01:30:50,403 --> 01:30:54,156
and just get started. Mr. Fitzer.
1841
01:30:59,078 --> 01:31:01,204
Thank you, Your Councilship.
1842
01:31:07,879 --> 01:31:09,421
lt's for later.
1843
01:31:10,840 --> 01:31:14,759
Mr. Valentine,
please tell us why you married Mr. Levine.
1844
01:31:18,055 --> 01:31:19,139
Love.
1845
01:31:19,223 --> 01:31:21,516
Yeah, yeah, that's what l'm talking about!
Gay love!
1846
01:31:21,601 --> 01:31:22,726
Please sit down, sir.
1847
01:31:22,810 --> 01:31:24,186
Sorry.
1848
01:31:26,397 --> 01:31:28,398
Mr. Levine.
Yeah.
1849
01:31:29,150 --> 01:31:32,277
Sixteen local women
claim to have had
1850
01:31:32,361 --> 01:31:36,531
sexual relations with you
as recently as mid-April,
1851
01:31:36,616 --> 01:31:42,496
including four Canadian strippers
the morning of your "marriage."
1852
01:31:44,790 --> 01:31:49,503
That's true. l did have
sexual relationships with them girls,
1853
01:31:50,838 --> 01:31:54,674
but l was kind of having
a commitment issue.
1854
01:31:55,468 --> 01:31:57,469
Larry's forgiven me for that.
1855
01:31:58,012 --> 01:32:00,180
And that's all that counts to me
is what Larry thinks.
1856
01:32:00,264 --> 01:32:02,015
That's right, Fitzer,
you suck!
1857
01:32:02,099 --> 01:32:04,226
One more and you're out, sir.
1858
01:32:04,310 --> 01:32:07,521
Sorry, sir, you're cool. He sucks.
l'm gay. l'm out. All right.
1859
01:32:07,605 --> 01:32:10,023
We should question them ex parte.
1860
01:32:10,107 --> 01:32:11,483
Gentlemen.
Yeah?
1861
01:32:11,567 --> 01:32:14,653
At this time,
we'd like to interview you individually.
1862
01:32:14,737 --> 01:32:16,780
Mr. Levine, please step outside.
1863
01:32:18,658 --> 01:32:20,325
Yeah. No problem.
1864
01:32:23,996 --> 01:32:25,247
l'll miss you.
1865
01:32:25,331 --> 01:32:26,540
l'll miss you, too, buddy.
1866
01:32:27,500 --> 01:32:28,750
l like it rough !
1867
01:32:28,834 --> 01:32:30,293
One for the road.
1868
01:32:30,378 --> 01:32:32,170
Like it rough.
1869
01:32:33,089 --> 01:32:35,465
l did the cooking
until Chuck moved in.
1870
01:32:36,217 --> 01:32:37,551
The toilet was thankful.
1871
01:32:37,677 --> 01:32:41,972
He ain't the greatest chef in the world.
l'm Wolfgang Puck to his Wolfgang Suck.
1872
01:32:42,056 --> 01:32:45,350
We met back in the fire academy in 1 987.
1873
01:32:45,434 --> 01:32:47,102
l was top of our class.
1874
01:32:47,186 --> 01:32:49,854
He burned off his eyebrows first day. Gone.
1875
01:32:49,939 --> 01:32:53,024
Larry tried to eat the fire,
l remember that.
1876
01:32:53,109 --> 01:32:56,486
His favorite song,
Don't Fear the Reaper, Blue Oyster Cult.
1877
01:32:56,571 --> 01:33:00,282
You're Beautiful by James Blunt.
And people think l'm the woman.
1878
01:33:00,366 --> 01:33:02,117
(SlNGlNG)
You're beautiful
1879
01:33:02,201 --> 01:33:04,703
Just gets me every time.
l don't know.
1880
01:33:04,787 --> 01:33:06,580
(SlNGlNG)
You're beautiful
1881
01:33:07,540 --> 01:33:09,291
That is a nice song.
1882
01:33:10,251 --> 01:33:13,753
The thing he likes most about me
is probably my love handles.
1883
01:33:14,338 --> 01:33:15,589
All of them.
1884
01:33:15,673 --> 01:33:20,051
l'd say my sweet, sensitive eyes,
like that of a kitten.
1885
01:33:22,305 --> 01:33:24,306
The worst day
we ever had on the job?
1886
01:33:24,390 --> 01:33:27,559
This little kid fell
in a swimming pool.
1887
01:33:27,768 --> 01:33:29,644
Chuck was the first one there.
1888
01:33:29,729 --> 01:33:30,895
l dove in.
1889
01:33:31,063 --> 01:33:32,105
He pulled him out.
1890
01:33:32,189 --> 01:33:33,148
l worked on him.
1891
01:33:33,232 --> 01:33:36,401
Worked on him, worked on him, but. . .
1892
01:33:36,736 --> 01:33:39,070
And Larry stayed with me
all that night.
1893
01:33:40,031 --> 01:33:42,907
l just couldn't get that kid
out of my head.
1894
01:33:46,245 --> 01:33:48,121
When my wife died. . .
1895
01:33:48,205 --> 01:33:49,914
That was the worst.
1896
01:33:51,125 --> 01:33:52,334
. . . l collapsed.
1897
01:33:52,418 --> 01:33:54,002
He knew it was coming, but. . .
1898
01:33:54,086 --> 01:33:56,963
What we have,
it's beyond friendship.
1899
01:33:57,715 --> 01:33:59,841
He's the best man l know.
1900
01:33:59,925 --> 01:34:01,968
l'd do anything for him.
1901
01:34:02,386 --> 01:34:05,764
l love him.
1902
01:34:08,768 --> 01:34:10,226
What's going on?
How'd you do?
1903
01:34:10,311 --> 01:34:11,853
lt was good.
lt was no problem.
1904
01:34:11,937 --> 01:34:13,855
You want me to grab those?
See if they're real again?
1905
01:34:13,939 --> 01:34:14,939
l'm sorry?
1906
01:34:15,024 --> 01:34:16,399
l says are we done yet?
1907
01:34:16,692 --> 01:34:19,444
Not quite. They want to talk to the kids.
1908
01:34:20,279 --> 01:34:24,032
Now, why don't you tell us
about their sleeping arrangements?
1909
01:34:24,116 --> 01:34:26,242
Dad and Uncle Chuck
sleep in the same bed.
1910
01:34:26,327 --> 01:34:27,702
Do you know why?
1911
01:34:27,787 --> 01:34:29,663
'Cause they do everything together.
1912
01:34:29,747 --> 01:34:31,748
Just like Will and Grace.
1913
01:34:31,916 --> 01:34:33,124
(PEOPLE LAUGHlNG)
1914
01:34:36,295 --> 01:34:39,506
lt is kind of an unusual situation, isn't it?
1915
01:34:40,299 --> 01:34:41,675
Having two fathers?
1916
01:34:42,218 --> 01:34:44,135
l don't have two fathers.
1917
01:34:44,303 --> 01:34:45,595
(PEOPLE MURMURlNG)
1918
01:34:46,597 --> 01:34:47,847
l have my daddy,
1919
01:34:47,932 --> 01:34:51,434
and Uncle Chuck is more like a mommy,
'cause to me he seems like a girl.
1920
01:34:53,062 --> 01:34:55,563
Why am l the woman?
l don't get it.
1921
01:34:56,273 --> 01:34:57,399
Okay, that's all, thank you.
1922
01:34:57,483 --> 01:34:59,150
Bottlenose dolphins.
1923
01:34:59,694 --> 01:35:03,697
Orcas, gray whales, harbor seals
and West lndian manatees.
1924
01:35:03,823 --> 01:35:04,823
Huh?
1925
01:35:05,157 --> 01:35:07,867
Species that sometimes mate
with the same sex.
1926
01:35:08,035 --> 01:35:13,081
Bottlenose dolphins, orcas, gray whales,
harbor seals and West lndian manatees.
1927
01:35:13,666 --> 01:35:16,668
l didn't know that.
But now l'm glad l do.
1928
01:35:16,794 --> 01:35:18,503
Thank you, my dear.
1929
01:35:21,841 --> 01:35:25,885
Remind me never to go skinny-dipping
with the bottlenose dolphins.
1930
01:35:29,557 --> 01:35:34,644
l just have to say
that as a fellow gay fireman. . .
1931
01:35:35,438 --> 01:35:36,563
He's gay, too?
1932
01:35:36,647 --> 01:35:38,273
That's right, fellas, l'm gay.
1933
01:35:38,816 --> 01:35:40,817
You guys have
a problem with that?
1934
01:35:40,901 --> 01:35:44,028
No, no problem.
You do whatever you like. Yeah.
1935
01:35:45,448 --> 01:35:46,865
And Chuck and Larry,
1936
01:35:47,658 --> 01:35:50,368
you've inspired me
to want to find my soul mate.
1937
01:35:51,871 --> 01:35:53,371
Wherever he may be.
1938
01:35:53,789 --> 01:35:56,124
Hey, l'm a 1 0. l'm a 1 0.
1939
01:35:56,375 --> 01:35:58,376
You're not my type. Sorry.
1940
01:35:59,378 --> 01:36:01,588
Fitzer, can we wrap this up?
1941
01:36:01,672 --> 01:36:05,300
l just have one more question to ask,
1942
01:36:05,384 --> 01:36:07,844
if these gentlemen would
indulge me for a moment.
1943
01:36:07,928 --> 01:36:09,888
By all means, Mr. Fitzer.
1944
01:36:10,681 --> 01:36:12,432
Chuck, Larry,
1945
01:36:12,975 --> 01:36:17,562
would you say that there's a fair amount
of passion in your relationship?
1946
01:36:18,230 --> 01:36:19,314
Absolutely.
1947
01:36:19,398 --> 01:36:20,940
More passion than you can imagine, buddy.
1948
01:36:21,025 --> 01:36:22,525
Yes.
FlTZER: How wonderful.
1949
01:36:23,027 --> 01:36:26,488
Now, if you'd be so kind,
l'd like you to kiss each other.
1950
01:36:26,572 --> 01:36:28,239
You'd like to. . .
What was that?
1951
01:36:28,324 --> 01:36:31,326
Councilman Banks, my clients have been
more than accommodating.
1952
01:36:31,410 --> 01:36:34,162
And to ask for a display of intimacy
in the middle of a crowded room
1953
01:36:34,246 --> 01:36:35,538
is simply demeaning.
1954
01:36:35,623 --> 01:36:38,291
l'm afraid l have to agree.
We seem to have gone
1955
01:36:38,375 --> 01:36:42,378
from a hearing about fraud
to some kind of weird gay witch hunt.
1956
01:36:43,464 --> 01:36:45,840
l'm just saying,
Your Exellegance,
1957
01:36:45,925 --> 01:36:48,843
that if these two men are
as in love as they say they are,
1958
01:36:48,928 --> 01:36:50,887
l don't see why
this should be a problem.
1959
01:36:50,971 --> 01:36:53,348
l'm just asking for one kiss, Councilman.
1960
01:36:53,432 --> 01:36:56,726
Yeah ! Come on, fellas,
show them how real men kiss! Come on !
1961
01:36:56,811 --> 01:37:00,897
l will not stand for it! This is unbelievable!
No. Absolutely not.
1962
01:37:00,981 --> 01:37:03,233
Hey, come on, no.
The Councilman agreed.
1963
01:37:03,317 --> 01:37:04,734
lt's demeaning to us.
1964
01:37:04,819 --> 01:37:08,780
Plus, we don't want to get you all horny.
Me and this guy, we. . . lt could get steamy.
1965
01:37:08,864 --> 01:37:13,701
AUDlENCE: Kiss! Kiss!
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
1966
01:37:13,786 --> 01:37:15,119
Order.
1967
01:37:15,996 --> 01:37:17,247
Order!
1968
01:37:18,290 --> 01:37:19,749
AUDlENCE: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
1969
01:37:19,834 --> 01:37:21,376
l'm not doing this, Alex.
1970
01:37:21,460 --> 01:37:23,378
You know what?
Just go for it.
1971
01:37:24,296 --> 01:37:25,713
Well?
BANKS: Order!
1972
01:37:27,800 --> 01:37:29,717
l guess it's showtime.
1973
01:37:31,178 --> 01:37:32,887
Going in straight. . .
1974
01:37:32,972 --> 01:37:34,973
Coming out gay?
1975
01:38:04,920 --> 01:38:09,173
Enough ! l'd rather change
my grandfather's diaper
1976
01:38:09,258 --> 01:38:10,717
than see two straight guys kissing.
1977
01:38:10,801 --> 01:38:12,260
But we're not straight.
1978
01:38:12,344 --> 01:38:13,803
We're not.
We're in gay love, Captain !
1979
01:38:13,888 --> 01:38:16,306
Can't you deal with that?
Oh, shut up.
1980
01:38:16,390 --> 01:38:19,100
lf these gentlemen are gay,
then l'm a one-legged parrot.
1981
01:38:19,184 --> 01:38:21,477
Anybody seen me
with a crutch and a cracker?
1982
01:38:21,937 --> 01:38:22,937
l didn't think so.
1983
01:38:23,355 --> 01:38:25,064
And who might you be, sir?
1984
01:38:25,149 --> 01:38:27,108
Captain Phineas J. Tucker, Councilman.
1985
01:38:27,192 --> 01:38:30,278
You may search my record.
l hold multiple citations
1986
01:38:30,362 --> 01:38:33,907
from Mayor Dinkins, Mayor Koch and,
of course, the great Mayor Giuliani.
1987
01:38:33,991 --> 01:38:37,368
And let me tell you something.
These men definitely broke the rules.
1988
01:38:37,453 --> 01:38:40,121
They lied on a government form
and they swore it was true,
1989
01:38:40,205 --> 01:38:41,998
which is despicable.
1990
01:38:42,249 --> 01:38:46,085
But interestingly enough, Excellency,
1991
01:38:46,170 --> 01:38:48,338
even though they were
deceitful to us all,
1992
01:38:48,422 --> 01:38:51,007
l actually believe
they ended up doing some good.
1993
01:38:51,091 --> 01:38:52,967
What good are you speaking of, Captain?
1994
01:38:53,052 --> 01:38:54,719
Well, first off,
1995
01:38:54,803 --> 01:38:57,305
they let us know
that when a friend is in need,
1996
01:38:57,389 --> 01:39:00,266
you go beyond extraordinary
lengths to help out.
1997
01:39:00,351 --> 01:39:02,769
Whenever, whatever.
That's the code.
1998
01:39:02,853 --> 01:39:05,521
Then they apparently inspired
fellow firefighter Fred G. Duncan
1999
01:39:05,606 --> 01:39:08,149
to come out of his super-sized closet,
2000
01:39:08,233 --> 01:39:09,984
thus releasing his rage
2001
01:39:10,069 --> 01:39:13,655
and preventing what looked like to be
an inevitable killing spree.
2002
01:39:17,034 --> 01:39:18,868
And most importantly,
2003
01:39:18,953 --> 01:39:21,829
they showed us
that no matter whom we choose to love,
2004
01:39:21,914 --> 01:39:26,501
be they heterosexual, homosexual, asexual,
bisexual, trisexual, quadrisexual,
2005
01:39:26,585 --> 01:39:28,836
pansexual, transsexual, omnisexual,
2006
01:39:28,921 --> 01:39:33,800
or that thing where the chick ties the belt
around your neck and tinkles on a balloon,
2007
01:39:35,427 --> 01:39:39,681
it has absolutely nothing to do
with who we are as people.
2008
01:39:53,862 --> 01:39:56,572
lt's true, Councilman Banks.
2009
01:39:59,326 --> 01:40:00,702
Let them know.
2010
01:40:00,786 --> 01:40:02,286
We're not gay.
2011
01:40:02,496 --> 01:40:03,871
(AUDlENCE MURMURlNG)
2012
01:40:03,956 --> 01:40:04,956
No.
2013
01:40:05,958 --> 01:40:09,043
Unfortunately, we hurt people,
2014
01:40:09,128 --> 01:40:13,631
people we wouldn't want to hurt
in a million years, by doing what we did.
2015
01:40:14,967 --> 01:40:18,928
For the record,
the word "faggot," that's a bad word.
2016
01:40:19,013 --> 01:40:21,889
Don't use it.
l used to say it more than anybody,
2017
01:40:21,974 --> 01:40:23,975
but l was ignorant.
lt's hurtful.
2018
01:40:24,226 --> 01:40:27,270
lt's like "kike" for me.
2019
01:40:27,771 --> 01:40:29,647
Or "fat boy" for me.
2020
01:40:31,692 --> 01:40:33,359
lt stings a little
when you poke fun of my weight.
2021
01:40:33,444 --> 01:40:34,902
l didn't know that.
Yeah, sometimes it. . .
2022
01:40:34,987 --> 01:40:36,904
l only do it 'cause you do it.
l know, but l work hard. . .
2023
01:40:36,989 --> 01:40:40,033
What is this? Gays of Our Lives?
2024
01:40:40,576 --> 01:40:42,618
Shall we cue the violins?
2025
01:40:43,370 --> 01:40:45,496
This isn't a folk concert,
it's a hearing.
2026
01:40:45,581 --> 01:40:50,835
And l believe l hear the sound
of two felons going to jail
2027
01:40:51,503 --> 01:40:54,172
for stealing from the City of New York.
2028
01:40:54,256 --> 01:40:57,300
What exactly have we stolen? Nothing !
2029
01:40:58,302 --> 01:41:01,095
Due to a weird rule
in a flawed system,
2030
01:41:01,180 --> 01:41:04,015
my friend Larry here had
to create this lie.
2031
01:41:04,099 --> 01:41:06,934
The system may be flawed at times,
Mr. Feb-blueberry.
2032
01:41:07,019 --> 01:41:08,478
"l'm in a calendar!"
2033
01:41:08,562 --> 01:41:09,562
(EXCLAlMlNG)
2034
01:41:10,230 --> 01:41:13,483
But it's the law.
And we all have to abide by it.
2035
01:41:17,112 --> 01:41:19,614
BANKS: l'm sorry,
but you did break the law.
2036
01:41:19,698 --> 01:41:20,740
Oh, God.
2037
01:41:20,824 --> 01:41:22,033
Daddy!
2038
01:41:22,201 --> 01:41:23,201
(CROWD GRUMBLlNG)
2039
01:41:23,285 --> 01:41:25,328
ALEX: Councilman Banks. Councilman.
2040
01:41:26,497 --> 01:41:28,414
TUCKER: Well, you better
have cuffs for three,
2041
01:41:28,957 --> 01:41:30,750
because l'm going
to jail with them.
2042
01:41:30,834 --> 01:41:32,293
How is that, Captain?
2043
01:41:32,377 --> 01:41:35,088
l'm a co-conspirator.
l knew all about this little scam
2044
01:41:35,172 --> 01:41:37,173
from day one,
and l didn't say a thing about it.
2045
01:41:37,257 --> 01:41:38,800
Captain !
You don't have to do this. Please.
2046
01:41:38,884 --> 01:41:39,884
Yeah, he didn't know nothing.
2047
01:41:39,968 --> 01:41:41,969
Fine. l'll have all three of you arrested.
2048
01:41:44,181 --> 01:41:48,559
Slap some cuffs on me,
'cause l helped them plan the wedding.
2049
01:41:48,644 --> 01:41:50,144
l drove them to the airport.
2050
01:41:50,229 --> 01:41:51,687
l picked out Chuck's dress.
2051
01:41:51,772 --> 01:41:52,814
Yeah, l knew about it.
2052
01:41:52,898 --> 01:41:55,441
Dress? Why does everybody
assume l'm the woman?
2053
01:41:55,526 --> 01:41:57,568
ls it the way l walk?
What is it?
2054
01:41:57,653 --> 01:42:00,863
And l caught the bouquet!
ln my mouth. l liked it.
2055
01:42:00,989 --> 01:42:02,365
(AUDlENCE CHATTERlNG)
2056
01:42:02,783 --> 01:42:05,034
See, that's the way it works
with us firemen, sir.
2057
01:42:05,119 --> 01:42:07,703
You throw one of us in the fire,
we all go rushing in.
2058
01:42:07,830 --> 01:42:08,830
(MEN MURMURlNG lN AGREEMENT)
2059
01:42:08,914 --> 01:42:13,000
You throw one of us in jail,
you gotta throw the whole lot of us in jail.
2060
01:42:13,085 --> 01:42:15,670
So? What's it gonna be?
2061
01:42:18,715 --> 01:42:20,883
Everything would have been fine
if you'd just let
2062
01:42:20,968 --> 01:42:22,635
me and Larry make out
like we were gonna.
2063
01:42:22,761 --> 01:42:24,720
Then you had to go
all Knute Rockne on us.
2064
01:42:24,805 --> 01:42:27,682
l am your commanding officer.
l will not be addressed in that manner.
2065
01:42:27,766 --> 01:42:29,892
Not in here you're not,
you porcupine-head.
2066
01:42:29,977 --> 01:42:32,061
No, in here you're the big mouth
who got us locked up.
2067
01:42:32,146 --> 01:42:33,521
We should whup your ass!
2068
01:42:33,605 --> 01:42:34,856
Yeah !
Yeah !
2069
01:42:35,023 --> 01:42:36,023
(MEN MURMURlNG lN AGREEMENT)
2070
01:42:36,108 --> 01:42:37,358
That's right.
2071
01:42:37,442 --> 01:42:38,568
Hey, Chuck.
2072
01:42:38,652 --> 01:42:40,486
Jeez, Larry. What?
2073
01:42:40,571 --> 01:42:45,324
PROTESTERS: Free Chuck and Larry!
Free Chuck and Larry!
2074
01:42:46,034 --> 01:42:47,201
What?
2075
01:42:47,286 --> 01:42:49,620
Yo, dum-dums! You got a visitor.
2076
01:42:53,167 --> 01:42:56,085
Well, gentlemen,
that was quite a hearing.
2077
01:42:56,170 --> 01:42:57,295
BANKS: Mr. Levine, Mr. Valentine.
2078
01:42:57,379 --> 01:42:58,880
All right.
2079
01:42:59,590 --> 01:43:02,216
The city would like to offer you a deal.
2080
01:43:02,301 --> 01:43:05,261
We're willing to drop all charges
and allow you to keep your benefits,
2081
01:43:05,345 --> 01:43:06,804
with two conditions.
2082
01:43:06,930 --> 01:43:10,391
One, you plead guilty
to falsifying a government form.
2083
01:43:10,601 --> 01:43:13,352
The charge is reduced to a misdemeanor,
you get a slap on the wrist,
2084
01:43:13,437 --> 01:43:15,188
and the city saves face.
2085
01:43:15,272 --> 01:43:16,480
Done.
Done. Absolutely.
2086
01:43:16,565 --> 01:43:19,775
Two, you are celebrities
in the gay community now.
2087
01:43:20,235 --> 01:43:22,570
They've obviously
not only accepted your apology,
2088
01:43:22,654 --> 01:43:25,072
they think you're heroes.
2089
01:43:25,157 --> 01:43:29,285
Now, raising money
for AlDS research is still very crucial,
2090
01:43:29,870 --> 01:43:33,414
and the community has
figured out a way for you all to help.
2091
01:43:33,498 --> 01:43:34,665
Whatever it takes.
Yeah.
2092
01:43:34,750 --> 01:43:35,917
What do you need us to do?
We're in.
2093
01:43:36,001 --> 01:43:41,172
(POP MUSlC PLAYlNG)
2094
01:44:16,500 --> 01:44:19,752
These two guys right here talking
about doing something pretty serious.
2095
01:44:19,836 --> 01:44:23,965
Making a commitment
to love each other forever.
2096
01:44:24,049 --> 01:44:28,302
Now before, they were on the down-low,
living a life that was a lie.
2097
01:44:29,721 --> 01:44:33,057
Now, in a lie,
it's like a circle.
2098
01:44:34,059 --> 01:44:35,434
lt never ends.
2099
01:44:35,978 --> 01:44:38,854
You know?
lt's not like a rectangle.
2100
01:44:38,939 --> 01:44:41,524
'Cause that has a bunch of,
you know, places that stop.
2101
01:44:41,608 --> 01:44:42,817
This one is a big circle of. . .
2102
01:44:42,901 --> 01:44:44,652
Okay, you know, wrap up the circle thing.
Come on.
2103
01:44:44,736 --> 01:44:46,028
Moving on.
2104
01:44:46,113 --> 01:44:47,363
l'm gonna move quicker now.
2105
01:44:47,447 --> 01:44:48,447
(SPEAKlNG JAPANESE)
2106
01:44:49,116 --> 01:44:51,742
Do you, Kevin "Butterfly" McDonough,
2107
01:44:51,827 --> 01:44:56,706
take Fred G. Duncan to be
your lawful wedded partner?
2108
01:44:57,666 --> 01:44:58,916
l dizoo.
2109
01:44:59,876 --> 01:45:02,044
And do you, Fred G. Duncan,
2110
01:45:02,129 --> 01:45:05,798
take this guy over here
to be your lawfully wedded partner?
2111
01:45:05,882 --> 01:45:07,133
l do.
2112
01:45:07,217 --> 01:45:08,801
Well, then, by the power vested in me
2113
01:45:08,885 --> 01:45:11,637
by the Commonwealth of Canada
and the Province of Ontario,
2114
01:45:11,722 --> 01:45:15,641
which has always been very pro-gay,
unlike that uptight country to the south,
2115
01:45:15,726 --> 01:45:19,979
it's my pleasure to now pronounce
you husband and husband, partners for life.
2116
01:45:47,382 --> 01:45:53,804
(SlNGlNG LOVE BALLAD)
2117
01:45:53,889 --> 01:45:56,098
CHUCK: There's my lawyer.
2118
01:45:56,183 --> 01:45:58,059
You don't wanna dance, do you?
2119
01:45:58,477 --> 01:46:00,561
l don't think so.
2120
01:46:01,146 --> 01:46:03,647
Your brother forgave me.
Now, why can't you?
2121
01:46:03,732 --> 01:46:08,611
Well, my brother wasn't the one
that you felt up under false pretenses.
2122
01:46:08,695 --> 01:46:11,405
You mean you only let me touch your boobs
'cause you thought l was gay?
2123
01:46:11,656 --> 01:46:12,656
That's sexist.
2124
01:46:12,824 --> 01:46:16,494
l could bring that to the courtroom.
You could be my lawyer.
2125
01:46:18,997 --> 01:46:20,581
Look at Larry, though.
2126
01:46:21,208 --> 01:46:23,417
Looks like he took my advice
and moved on.
2127
01:46:23,502 --> 01:46:27,588
Which is great for him, but l don't
have anybody to hang out with anymore.
2128
01:46:27,672 --> 01:46:32,051
l mean, these bracelets here. . .
lt says, "Friends forever."
2129
01:46:34,346 --> 01:46:38,224
l haven't taken this thing off
since we made them that day. You?
2130
01:46:40,560 --> 01:46:42,686
Yeah, that's what l thought.
2131
01:46:46,191 --> 01:46:47,233
(EXCLAlMlNG)
2132
01:46:47,692 --> 01:46:48,692
(SlNGlNG)
2133
01:46:57,494 --> 01:47:00,871
Well, you've got about 30 seconds
before l come to my senses.
2134
01:47:02,999 --> 01:47:04,834
Really?
Yes.
2135
01:47:04,918 --> 01:47:08,212
And this is my jam, too.
Come on.
2136
01:47:09,047 --> 01:47:11,173
What a delicious-looking cake!
2137
01:47:11,341 --> 01:47:14,635
Oh, maybe Tori
would like to try it.
2138
01:47:14,719 --> 01:47:17,138
That's nice. You gay, her father.
lt's nice.
2139
01:47:17,222 --> 01:47:19,765
No, l'm not gay.
This is Larry's daughter, Tori.
2140
01:47:19,850 --> 01:47:22,143
Oh, it's okay, man.
You can come out of the down-low.
2141
01:47:22,227 --> 01:47:24,019
l don't have to come out!
l'm married.
2142
01:47:24,104 --> 01:47:25,813
Which one's your husband?
You point him out.
2143
01:47:25,897 --> 01:47:27,440
No, no! The lady in there.
2144
01:47:27,524 --> 01:47:28,649
Which guy?
2145
01:47:28,733 --> 01:47:29,817
No, no guy. No.
2146
01:47:29,901 --> 01:47:32,736
Hey, you know when you lie,
it's like a circle.
162004
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