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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:21,396 --> 00:00:25,093 He's gonna make it right to the top 2 00:00:25,166 --> 00:00:29,068 That crazy movin' groovin' kid who just won't stop 3 00:00:29,137 --> 00:00:33,369 He's gonna rearrange the good ol' status quo 4 00:00:33,441 --> 00:00:35,204 And get it all together 5 00:00:35,276 --> 00:00:38,507 With the things he's got to know 6 00:00:39,180 --> 00:00:43,014 He's gonna make it He's gonna make it 7 00:00:43,084 --> 00:00:46,815 He's gonna take this cockeyed world and shake it 8 00:00:46,888 --> 00:00:51,188 He's gonna show them he's a winner in the end 9 00:00:51,259 --> 00:00:53,022 With a little bit of luck 10 00:00:54,128 --> 00:00:57,325 And a little bitty barefoot friend 11 00:01:02,203 --> 00:01:06,037 When they start rappin' that he's too young 12 00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:10,134 He makes his mind up that he'll wind up number one 13 00:01:10,211 --> 00:01:14,238 And the whole wide world will know that he's around 14 00:01:14,315 --> 00:01:19,776 Though other cats get uptight and try to put him down 15 00:01:19,854 --> 00:01:23,756 He's gonna make it He's gonna make it 16 00:01:23,825 --> 00:01:27,693 He's gonna take this cockeyed world and shake it 17 00:01:27,762 --> 00:01:31,926 He's gonna show them he's a winner in the end 18 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,900 With a little bit of luck 19 00:01:34,802 --> 00:01:37,999 And a little bitty barefoot friend 20 00:02:33,361 --> 00:02:37,092 When they start rappin' that he's too young 21 00:02:37,165 --> 00:02:41,465 He makes his mind up that he'll wind up number one 22 00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:45,438 And the whole wide world will know that he's around 23 00:02:45,506 --> 00:02:50,034 Though other cats get uptight and try to put him down 24 00:02:51,045 --> 00:02:54,776 He's gonna make it He's gonna make it 25 00:02:54,849 --> 00:02:58,808 He's gonna take this cockeyed world and shake it 26 00:02:58,886 --> 00:03:02,720 He's gonna show them he's a winner in the end 27 00:03:02,790 --> 00:03:04,758 With a little bit of luck 28 00:03:05,893 --> 00:03:09,056 And a little bitty barefoot friend 29 00:03:15,069 --> 00:03:19,233 He's gonna make it -Little bitty barefoot friend 30 00:03:19,307 --> 00:03:22,834 He's gonna make it -Little bitty barefoot friend 31 00:03:22,910 --> 00:03:26,778 He's gonna make it -Little bitty barefoot friend 32 00:03:26,848 --> 00:03:31,615 He's gonna make it -Little bitty barefoot friend 33 00:03:31,686 --> 00:03:34,314 Little bitty barefoot friend 34 00:04:04,552 --> 00:04:06,213 Hi, Mark. 35 00:04:08,956 --> 00:04:10,753 Come on, Jen. It's almost over. 36 00:04:10,825 --> 00:04:14,158 I'll be there in a minute. I told Steve I'd wait for him. 37 00:04:14,228 --> 00:04:17,356 I suppose he's at that crummy night school again. 38 00:04:17,432 --> 00:04:19,866 Roger, everyone can't be a Stanford man. 39 00:04:19,934 --> 00:04:21,663 Unfortunately. 40 00:04:21,736 --> 00:04:25,069 But he drives everyone nuts. Especially Uncle. 41 00:04:25,139 --> 00:04:27,232 Well, he won't bother him tonight. 42 00:04:27,742 --> 00:04:29,403 Anyone who graduates 43 00:04:29,477 --> 00:04:32,378 from the Moonrise Night School on Melrose Avenue 44 00:04:32,447 --> 00:04:35,007 is certainly not gonna make it at the network. 45 00:04:35,082 --> 00:04:37,482 Hi, Rog. -Steve, it's about time. 46 00:04:37,552 --> 00:04:41,147 Yeah. We had this guest lecturer. This guy had a great idea about a story 47 00:04:41,222 --> 00:04:43,782 on Abe Lincoln's doctor's dog. It was a great idea. 48 00:04:43,858 --> 00:04:46,190 Don't mention it tonight. -Yeah, okay. 49 00:04:46,260 --> 00:04:48,751 Hey, how's the show going? -Not very well. 50 00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:51,321 I haven't heard any laughs. -I'm not surprised. 51 00:04:51,399 --> 00:04:54,129 I saw it, it's a bomb. If Wilbanks'd just listen to me. 52 00:04:54,202 --> 00:04:56,261 You promised you wouldn't say anything. 53 00:04:56,337 --> 00:04:57,998 Who's saying anything? -Shh. 54 00:05:00,675 --> 00:05:05,578 Thank you. Thank you. How'd you like...? What did you...? 55 00:05:05,646 --> 00:05:09,412 Did you...? Harry, what did you think? 56 00:05:09,484 --> 00:05:12,544 Regardless of my personal feelings, Mr. Wilbanks, 57 00:05:12,620 --> 00:05:14,952 I think this show will have a very good rating. 58 00:05:15,623 --> 00:05:19,081 What do you mean, "regardless of your personal feelings"? 59 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:23,221 Well, I... I just don't happen to like TV very much, that's all. 60 00:05:24,432 --> 00:05:27,230 He doesn't like TV. He's the morning program director. 61 00:05:27,301 --> 00:05:29,735 Steve, please be quiet. -Charming. 62 00:05:29,804 --> 00:05:32,272 I mean, simply charming. -Ahhh. 63 00:05:32,340 --> 00:05:33,807 Loved it. -Thank you. 64 00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:37,038 Some of them liked it. -Jen, telephone. 65 00:05:37,111 --> 00:05:38,772 Of course they seemed to like it. 66 00:05:38,846 --> 00:05:41,246 He's vice president in charge of programming. 67 00:05:41,315 --> 00:05:44,409 Can you imagine what he'd do if someone didn't seem to like it? 68 00:05:44,485 --> 00:05:47,943 Yes, operator. G. Wilbanks, international calling. 69 00:05:48,022 --> 00:05:50,820 It's Farnsworth. -Farnsworth. That vulture. 70 00:05:50,892 --> 00:05:53,952 Now, really, he isn't that bad. -Yes, he is. I know that man. 71 00:05:54,028 --> 00:05:57,691 Every time he thinks I'm in trouble, he calls me up and congratulates me. 72 00:05:57,765 --> 00:06:01,531 I tell you, he does it every time. Hello, Farnsworth. 73 00:06:01,602 --> 00:06:05,197 What a show, Francis. What a show. 74 00:06:05,273 --> 00:06:10,176 Thank you, Farnsworth. -It was so, so... different. 75 00:06:10,244 --> 00:06:13,873 Different? -Yes, absolutely. 76 00:06:13,948 --> 00:06:16,416 Incidentally, Clifford dropped by. 77 00:06:16,484 --> 00:06:20,580 He sends regards from his entire staff at Continental. 78 00:06:20,655 --> 00:06:24,557 Hiya, Francis. -Hello, Clifford. 79 00:06:24,625 --> 00:06:26,820 Well, I'm glad you liked it, Farnsworth, 80 00:06:26,894 --> 00:06:29,089 because, you see, what I was trying to do... 81 00:06:29,163 --> 00:06:31,358 We'll have lunch and talk about it. 82 00:06:31,432 --> 00:06:34,424 Well, good night, Francis, you old scoundrel. 83 00:06:34,502 --> 00:06:37,494 You've done it again. 84 00:06:40,841 --> 00:06:44,208 Well, I know I'm in trouble. They both congratulated me. 85 00:06:44,278 --> 00:06:47,645 Oh, well, don't worry. It's what our big brass thinks that counts. 86 00:06:47,715 --> 00:06:48,943 But what do they think? 87 00:06:49,016 --> 00:06:51,450 There hasn't been a word from New York. Roger! 88 00:06:51,519 --> 00:06:53,487 Yes, sir? -Don't sneak up on me. 89 00:06:53,554 --> 00:06:55,044 Get me New York. 90 00:06:55,389 --> 00:06:57,949 They're lolling around there in the lap of luxury. 91 00:06:58,025 --> 00:07:00,459 We put on a new show. The president of the network 92 00:07:00,528 --> 00:07:02,792 doesn't call and tell me what he thinks of it. 93 00:07:02,863 --> 00:07:05,855 Hi-line, Crampton, New York. -Good boy. He gets right... 94 00:07:05,933 --> 00:07:08,800 What did you think of it? -Oh, well, the... 95 00:07:08,869 --> 00:07:10,894 The audience liked it. -Yes, they did. 96 00:07:10,972 --> 00:07:12,371 But I'm still worried. 97 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:15,534 Uncle Francis, I think you always over-worry our first show. 98 00:07:15,610 --> 00:07:16,838 Is that what you think? 99 00:07:16,911 --> 00:07:19,106 Well, let's hope that's the case this time. 100 00:07:19,180 --> 00:07:21,808 Yes, sir, here he is. 101 00:07:21,882 --> 00:07:24,442 Hello, chief! How'd you like the show? 102 00:07:24,518 --> 00:07:27,453 Just fine, Wilbanks. Fine! 103 00:07:27,521 --> 00:07:29,250 Is there somebody there with you? 104 00:07:29,323 --> 00:07:32,019 Our sponsors are here. They watched the show with me. 105 00:07:32,093 --> 00:07:36,189 Oh, the sponsors are there. Well, what did they think of the show? 106 00:07:36,263 --> 00:07:39,164 They thought it was fine too, just fine. 107 00:07:39,233 --> 00:07:42,634 How'd the showing go out there? -Fine, just fine. 108 00:07:42,703 --> 00:07:45,695 Several people laughed so hard they fell off their chairs. 109 00:07:45,773 --> 00:07:48,970 In fact, some of them are still applauding. 110 00:07:53,648 --> 00:07:55,912 Well, the ratings will be out in the morning. 111 00:07:55,983 --> 00:07:59,714 They'll tell us the story, Francis. -Yes, they certainly will. 112 00:08:00,254 --> 00:08:03,849 Good night, Francis. -Good night, chief. 113 00:08:04,692 --> 00:08:06,990 Cut! 114 00:08:07,061 --> 00:08:09,120 Not now, for heaven's sakes. 115 00:08:09,196 --> 00:08:12,461 Ratings. That's all they think about are ratings. 116 00:08:12,533 --> 00:08:16,367 We get great audience response. You heard them clapping yourself. 117 00:08:16,437 --> 00:08:18,462 And they're worried about the ratings. 118 00:08:18,539 --> 00:08:21,007 It's enough to give a man nervous prostration. 119 00:08:21,075 --> 00:08:23,805 You look a little pale. Maybe I should get your pills. 120 00:08:23,878 --> 00:08:25,846 Yes, I feel a little pale. Get my pills. 121 00:08:25,913 --> 00:08:28,711 Love that casting, Francis. Love that casting! 122 00:08:28,783 --> 00:08:32,150 Yeah, wasn't it good? The fellow with the hat? Didn't you like him? 123 00:08:32,219 --> 00:08:35,017 Oh, Jen, uh, what'd you think of the show? 124 00:08:35,089 --> 00:08:37,557 Well, I thought it had certain possibilities. 125 00:08:37,625 --> 00:08:39,149 Did you? I'm glad to hear... 126 00:08:39,226 --> 00:08:44,357 I thought next time, you could... -Post! Not tonight! 127 00:08:45,733 --> 00:08:48,668 Oh, he never listens. He'll never listen! 128 00:08:48,736 --> 00:08:50,328 Steve, did you slip him a note? 129 00:08:50,404 --> 00:08:53,532 Jen, all he needs is one good program idea. 130 00:08:53,607 --> 00:08:55,268 Steve! 131 00:09:12,259 --> 00:09:15,251 Mertons, will you stop blowing that infernal horn? 132 00:09:15,329 --> 00:09:17,889 Wanted you to know I was here. -I know you're here. 133 00:09:17,965 --> 00:09:21,765 The neighborhood knows. You'd think you were picking up your date. 134 00:09:21,836 --> 00:09:24,828 And will you stop with the dusting? I'm in a hurry today! 135 00:09:24,905 --> 00:09:26,304 Yes, boss. 136 00:09:31,579 --> 00:09:35,481 Charlie, get off your bicycle, and put that paper on the porch. 137 00:09:35,549 --> 00:09:39,417 I'm just sick and tired of digging it out of the bushes every day. 138 00:09:44,425 --> 00:09:46,985 Careless, incompetent kids, 139 00:09:47,061 --> 00:09:49,222 grow up that way, then come to the networks. 140 00:09:49,296 --> 00:09:51,287 No wonder we're having these problems. 141 00:09:51,365 --> 00:09:53,959 Say, boss, would you ask Wilma to move her car? 142 00:09:54,034 --> 00:09:56,025 No, Wilma can't move her car! 143 00:09:56,103 --> 00:09:58,162 You've got a reverse gear in this thing. 144 00:09:58,239 --> 00:10:00,036 Oh, yeah. 145 00:10:01,575 --> 00:10:03,338 Hey, my bike! 146 00:10:11,552 --> 00:10:15,454 My bike! My brand-new bike! -Now look what you've done. 147 00:10:15,523 --> 00:10:17,616 Yeah, careless, incompetent kids, huh? 148 00:10:17,691 --> 00:10:20,956 Not him. You! Well, don't worry about the bike... 149 00:10:21,028 --> 00:10:22,518 But the papers. 150 00:10:22,596 --> 00:10:24,564 If I don't deliver them, 151 00:10:24,632 --> 00:10:27,430 I won't win that trip to Catalina. 152 00:10:28,269 --> 00:10:31,170 I've been working all year on that trip to Catalina. 153 00:10:31,238 --> 00:10:34,799 Well, he's been working all year on the... 154 00:10:34,875 --> 00:10:37,810 Oh, put the darn papers in the car! 155 00:10:37,878 --> 00:10:42,838 How I ever let myself get saddled with my wife's relatives, I'll never know. 156 00:10:57,565 --> 00:11:00,159 Hi, Steve. -Hi, Jen. 157 00:11:00,234 --> 00:11:03,226 I, uh, got something here for Wilbanks. 158 00:11:04,271 --> 00:11:07,206 Steve, you're supposed to deliver the mail, not read it. 159 00:11:07,274 --> 00:11:09,435 It doesn't hurt anything. -Keep moving. 160 00:11:09,510 --> 00:11:11,637 Mr. Wilbanks should be here any second. 161 00:11:11,712 --> 00:11:14,647 You know how upset he gets when he sees you hanging around. 162 00:11:14,715 --> 00:11:16,012 He's not in yet? -Mm-mm. 163 00:11:16,083 --> 00:11:18,574 I can't say I blame him after that show last night. 164 00:11:18,652 --> 00:11:21,348 Steve, please just forget about last night's show. 165 00:11:21,422 --> 00:11:25,290 Okay. I've seen disasters in my time, but that one really takes the cake. 166 00:11:27,127 --> 00:11:28,958 Good morning. -Good morning. 167 00:11:29,029 --> 00:11:30,860 Did you happen to get my note? -Yes. 168 00:11:30,931 --> 00:11:34,025 Every time I put my hand in my pocket, I got your note. 169 00:11:34,101 --> 00:11:38,094 Now you listen to me, Steven. I'm not interested in your theories on ratings. 170 00:11:38,172 --> 00:11:40,970 And I'm certainly not interested in doing a show called 171 00:11:41,041 --> 00:11:44,704 Abraham Lincoln's Doctor's Dog, whatever that is. 172 00:11:47,214 --> 00:11:48,772 What is it? 173 00:11:48,849 --> 00:11:51,317 Uh, well, sir, it's very interesting. 174 00:11:51,385 --> 00:11:54,354 You see, we had a guest speaker from our school last night. 175 00:11:54,421 --> 00:11:56,855 A Mr. E.Z. Potter. You've probably heard of him. 176 00:11:56,924 --> 00:11:58,949 E.Z. Potter? -Yes. He's from up north. 177 00:11:59,026 --> 00:12:00,891 Up north? Where up north? -Tulare. 178 00:12:00,961 --> 00:12:03,122 Tulare? -Yeah. 179 00:12:03,197 --> 00:12:07,691 He's got a surefire approach for making a top-rated TV show. 180 00:12:07,768 --> 00:12:09,963 He does? -And it's very logical too. 181 00:12:10,037 --> 00:12:12,972 It's been historically proven that the American people 182 00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:16,271 have always preferred stories about, number one, Abe Lincoln, 183 00:12:16,343 --> 00:12:19,471 number two, doctors and number three, dogs. 184 00:12:19,546 --> 00:12:22,515 So the most popular and highest rated show of all, 185 00:12:22,583 --> 00:12:25,245 would be a show about Abe Lincoln's doctor's dog. 186 00:12:27,354 --> 00:12:29,083 And that is the kind of a show 187 00:12:29,156 --> 00:12:32,148 your TV friend from Tulare wants me to make? 188 00:12:32,226 --> 00:12:34,820 Well, actually, he's not in TV, sir. He's in radio. 189 00:12:34,895 --> 00:12:36,260 Radio? -Yes. 190 00:12:36,330 --> 00:12:39,424 They don't have a TV station up there. -They don't? 191 00:12:39,500 --> 00:12:42,401 Abraham Lincoln's doctor's dog? 192 00:12:42,469 --> 00:12:43,959 Yeah. -Title's kinda long, 193 00:12:44,038 --> 00:12:45,562 but it sounds like a good idea. 194 00:12:45,639 --> 00:12:48,631 Wait in the car. -Oh. 195 00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:54,303 Now you listen to me, Post. You get this straight. 196 00:12:54,381 --> 00:12:56,406 Your job here is to deliver the mail. 197 00:12:56,483 --> 00:12:59,145 And that is all you are to do is to deliver the mail. 198 00:12:59,219 --> 00:13:01,414 I am not interested in your quacky theories 199 00:13:01,488 --> 00:13:05,322 that come from your quacky teachers that teach in your quacky night school. 200 00:13:05,392 --> 00:13:08,725 Yes, sir. But actually, in this case, it wasn't a teacher. 201 00:13:08,796 --> 00:13:13,062 I know what he was! He was a radio man from Tulare! 202 00:13:13,901 --> 00:13:15,869 Anything important, Jen? 203 00:13:15,936 --> 00:13:19,133 Oh, yes, sir. G. Crampton called from New York. 204 00:13:19,206 --> 00:13:21,436 He did? Well, why didn't you tell me that? 205 00:13:21,508 --> 00:13:24,875 When the president of the network calls, don't let me stand around 206 00:13:24,945 --> 00:13:27,641 talking about Abraham Lincoln's dog's doctor. 207 00:13:27,715 --> 00:13:31,082 Uh, Abe Lincoln's doctor's dog, sir. There's a difference. 208 00:13:31,151 --> 00:13:34,177 I don't care what it is. How long ago did he call? 209 00:13:34,254 --> 00:13:36,017 About an hour ago. -An hour? 210 00:13:36,090 --> 00:13:37,751 You should've called me at home. 211 00:13:37,825 --> 00:13:39,588 Well, I did, but you weren't there. 212 00:13:39,660 --> 00:13:42,094 Your wife said you were out on some deliveries. 213 00:13:42,162 --> 00:13:45,097 Oh, yeah... deliveries, yeah. Well, get him on the phone. 214 00:13:45,165 --> 00:13:47,497 He said it wouldn't be necessary to call back. 215 00:13:47,568 --> 00:13:49,832 Just pick him up at the airport next Tuesday. 216 00:13:49,903 --> 00:13:53,930 He didn't want to talk to me? Did he see the ratings? 217 00:13:54,008 --> 00:13:56,272 I imagine he had, because he asked if you had. 218 00:13:56,343 --> 00:14:00,074 He did? Where are they? -No, they're in the other pile. 219 00:14:00,147 --> 00:14:02,615 Why didn't you say so? I'm under pressure. 220 00:14:06,754 --> 00:14:09,814 Well, he's sure in a bad mood. -Steve! 221 00:14:09,890 --> 00:14:13,587 Why did you bring up Abe Lincoln's doctor's dog on a day like this? 222 00:14:13,660 --> 00:14:16,060 Oh, no! -I was just trying to help. 223 00:14:16,130 --> 00:14:17,597 Nothing wrong with that. 224 00:14:17,664 --> 00:14:20,428 Oh, these are terrible! These are catastrophic! 225 00:14:20,501 --> 00:14:22,662 Just relax. You'll be fine. -Oh, sure. 226 00:14:22,736 --> 00:14:25,830 You just got excited. You took too much oxygen in your system. 227 00:14:25,906 --> 00:14:27,635 I had an aunt who had that problem. 228 00:14:27,708 --> 00:14:30,142 Used to help to blow into a paper bag. Ever tried? 229 00:14:30,210 --> 00:14:31,734 I never tried that. Helped? 230 00:14:31,812 --> 00:14:33,473 She just blew right in... -Yes. 231 00:14:33,547 --> 00:14:35,811 Don't you have anything to do? -Yes, sir. 232 00:14:35,883 --> 00:14:39,011 Well, do it! -I'll see you tonight, Jen. 233 00:14:39,653 --> 00:14:43,555 Jen, you know I never interfere in the personal lives of my employees, but... 234 00:14:43,624 --> 00:14:47,993 ...how can you stand that boy? Blow into a paper bag. 235 00:14:48,062 --> 00:14:51,793 I don't know. I guess I'm just kind of hooked, sir. 236 00:14:55,069 --> 00:14:58,163 There, there, Mama. Everything is gonna be all right. 237 00:14:58,238 --> 00:15:00,468 You'll get over it, Mama. Don't worry. 238 00:15:00,541 --> 00:15:01,530 What's the matter? 239 00:15:01,608 --> 00:15:04,338 We've got to go to San Francisco. 240 00:15:13,153 --> 00:15:16,020 Hi. Hey, what's the matter with the Bernaduccis? 241 00:15:16,090 --> 00:15:18,524 They have to go to San Francisco. 242 00:15:18,592 --> 00:15:21,857 That's what they said. So what's the matter with San Francisco? 243 00:15:21,929 --> 00:15:23,988 Hey, what's everybody sniffling about? 244 00:15:24,064 --> 00:15:26,999 Mr. Bernaducci's been transferred. 245 00:15:27,067 --> 00:15:29,934 With all that fog and dampness, they can't take Raffles. 246 00:15:30,003 --> 00:15:33,063 He gets colds too easily. -Oh. 247 00:15:33,140 --> 00:15:35,973 And after having him all these years. 248 00:15:36,043 --> 00:15:38,841 Don't take it so hard. What'd they do, stick him in a zoo? 249 00:15:38,912 --> 00:15:42,575 No. -Did they put him away or something? 250 00:15:42,649 --> 00:15:44,879 No, not that! 251 00:15:46,954 --> 00:15:49,422 Jen, you didn't take him? 252 00:15:54,862 --> 00:15:57,057 Oh, no! 253 00:15:57,131 --> 00:15:59,190 Well, I couldn't let them put him in a zoo. 254 00:15:59,266 --> 00:16:01,860 I'd have found that real easy to do. 255 00:16:12,913 --> 00:16:16,440 Do you think he'll be happy here? -I don't know why you're bothering. 256 00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,712 He'll be nothing but trouble. 257 00:16:18,785 --> 00:16:20,309 Steve! 258 00:16:23,257 --> 00:16:24,724 Will you listen to me? 259 00:16:24,791 --> 00:16:27,885 He only had three people in this world up until tonight. 260 00:16:27,961 --> 00:16:29,952 Mr. And Mrs. Bernaducci and me. -Aw. 261 00:16:30,030 --> 00:16:32,692 Now he only has me and I'm not going to let him down. 262 00:16:32,766 --> 00:16:34,791 You're treating him like a human being. 263 00:16:34,868 --> 00:16:38,531 He's just a hard-to-get-along-with, miserable, spoiled chimp! 264 00:16:38,605 --> 00:16:41,472 Seems to me you're the one acting hard to get along with. 265 00:16:41,542 --> 00:16:44,409 Oh, I'm sorry. Look, can we just stick him in the bedroom? 266 00:16:44,478 --> 00:16:46,446 I'm not going to do any such thing. 267 00:16:46,513 --> 00:16:50,210 He has been through enough today without locking him in some bedroom. 268 00:16:50,284 --> 00:16:53,879 Now you just go in and watch TV with him while I finish dinner. 269 00:17:17,244 --> 00:17:20,236 What are you doing to him? -I didn't do anything to him. 270 00:17:22,449 --> 00:17:25,646 Oh, he can't see the TV from there. 271 00:17:42,169 --> 00:17:45,104 "Mother Carey's Chickens." 272 00:17:47,107 --> 00:17:50,201 I guess you know, you're witnessing one of the wildest 273 00:17:50,277 --> 00:17:53,007 slam-bang football games played anywhere. 274 00:18:01,555 --> 00:18:04,456 ...snapped to Humphrey. He fakes a handoff... 275 00:18:09,830 --> 00:18:11,764 Leave it alone. 276 00:18:11,832 --> 00:18:15,324 What did you do to him now? 277 00:18:15,402 --> 00:18:17,529 Nothing. I didn't do anything to him. 278 00:18:19,706 --> 00:18:21,697 Oh, Steve. 279 00:18:21,775 --> 00:18:24,437 You changed the station. You can't do that. 280 00:18:24,511 --> 00:18:26,172 What do you mean, I can't do that? 281 00:18:26,246 --> 00:18:28,771 If he likes a program and you change it, 282 00:18:28,849 --> 00:18:31,181 he gets all upset. He does it to me all the time. 283 00:18:31,251 --> 00:18:33,719 Well, he's not gonna do it to me. Jen. 284 00:18:33,787 --> 00:18:36,915 Steve, just try and be a little patient, okay? 285 00:18:36,990 --> 00:18:39,117 Patient, my foot. You expect me to sit here 286 00:18:39,192 --> 00:18:42,719 and watch a lousy show called Mother Carey's Chickens? 287 00:18:42,796 --> 00:18:46,254 Well, it's over anyway, so it doesn't make any difference. 288 00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:50,099 It makes a lot of difference. That chimp is spoiled rotten. 289 00:18:50,170 --> 00:18:51,899 He's not spoiled. He's lonely. 290 00:18:51,972 --> 00:18:54,167 Now, let him have his own way tonight, okay? 291 00:18:54,241 --> 00:18:57,039 Steve, would you please pour the wine? Dinner's ready. 292 00:19:01,615 --> 00:19:04,345 Stay tuned to this station for Star Journey 293 00:19:04,418 --> 00:19:06,818 which follows immediately. 294 00:19:07,754 --> 00:19:11,053 Star Journey's coming on. They expect that to rate number one. 295 00:19:11,124 --> 00:19:13,115 Oh, good. I want to see that. 296 00:19:13,193 --> 00:19:17,755 ...episode of The Maxwell Family, the program for all ages. 297 00:19:17,831 --> 00:19:21,767 Maxwells. If you think we're gonna watch that soap opera, you're crazy. 298 00:19:25,138 --> 00:19:27,106 What happened now? -It's that creep. 299 00:19:27,174 --> 00:19:29,142 He doesn't want to watch Star Journey. 300 00:19:29,209 --> 00:19:32,007 Steve, he's not a creep. -Well, he sure acts like one. 301 00:19:32,879 --> 00:19:35,871 He did it again. Jen, will you do something? 302 00:19:35,949 --> 00:19:38,850 Steve, just let him have his own way tonight, okay? 303 00:19:38,919 --> 00:19:42,377 You mean we can't watch Star Journey on account of that crummy chimp? 304 00:19:42,456 --> 00:19:45,118 Just tonight. Please? 305 00:19:45,659 --> 00:19:47,854 All right. 306 00:19:48,795 --> 00:19:50,387 With all the pets in the world, 307 00:19:50,464 --> 00:19:54,457 you gotta end up with a chimp that likes bad TV! 308 00:20:01,274 --> 00:20:05,506 Mother Carey's Chickens and The Maxwell Family? 309 00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:07,206 Well, who would ever figure 310 00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:09,805 that those two shows would end up on top? 311 00:20:09,883 --> 00:20:12,374 Nobody in this town, that's for sure. 312 00:20:18,625 --> 00:20:21,287 Oh, hi, Rog. -Keep moving. 313 00:20:27,734 --> 00:20:30,498 Mother Carey's Chickens and The Maxwell Family? 314 00:20:30,570 --> 00:20:34,006 Huh. Hmm. 315 00:20:43,717 --> 00:20:47,153 Look, aren't these cute? -Yeah, they're real cute. 316 00:20:47,220 --> 00:20:50,951 Steve, show some interest. -I said, they're real cute. 317 00:20:52,092 --> 00:20:54,424 I think I'll get them all. 318 00:20:57,564 --> 00:20:59,327 Why don't you guys beat it, huh? 319 00:20:59,399 --> 00:21:01,890 We like the chimp, mister. 320 00:21:29,663 --> 00:21:32,393 Now don't do that. Come on. 321 00:21:33,900 --> 00:21:37,927 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for watching The Fastest Gun. 322 00:21:38,004 --> 00:21:40,768 It is your loyal viewing that has made our program 323 00:21:40,841 --> 00:21:43,935 one of America's top-rated shows. 324 00:21:55,655 --> 00:21:57,213 What are you doing here? 325 00:21:57,290 --> 00:22:00,054 I thought I'd spend a little time with your roommate. 326 00:22:00,126 --> 00:22:02,594 Well, how'd you get in? -The landlady. 327 00:22:02,662 --> 00:22:05,631 She's real nice. -She sure is. 328 00:22:11,004 --> 00:22:13,302 Can you beat that? -Beat what? 329 00:22:13,373 --> 00:22:14,806 Oh, nothing. 330 00:22:14,875 --> 00:22:16,137 Hey, Jen? -What? 331 00:22:16,209 --> 00:22:19,645 I know we're gonna go out for supper tonight, but let's just skip it. 332 00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:21,544 Well, how come? Why should we? 333 00:22:21,615 --> 00:22:24,106 Well, there's some shows I wanted to see tonight. 334 00:22:24,184 --> 00:22:27,449 We'll call Chicken Lickin', it'll be just as much fun, honest. 335 00:23:33,019 --> 00:23:36,455 Why, that little son of a gun. He picked them all! 336 00:23:36,523 --> 00:23:39,890 7:30 to 12:00. Holy smoke, he knows! 337 00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:41,359 Jen? 338 00:23:41,428 --> 00:23:44,295 He knows. -Who knows? 339 00:23:44,364 --> 00:23:46,525 Animals. Just like in the westerns. 340 00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:50,263 Nobody sees the rattlesnake because he's hidden behind the sagebrush. 341 00:23:50,337 --> 00:23:53,795 It's the horse who rears and saves the cowboy's life. 342 00:23:53,873 --> 00:23:56,671 He knows! -I hope so. 343 00:23:58,645 --> 00:24:02,547 Oh, you're gonna thank your lucky stars I came along. 344 00:24:03,350 --> 00:24:06,114 You'll kiss the ground I walk on. 345 00:24:08,188 --> 00:24:09,416 I will? 346 00:24:10,090 --> 00:24:13,651 He knows. He knows! 347 00:24:18,965 --> 00:24:21,365 If it happened once, it might be an accident. 348 00:24:21,434 --> 00:24:26,337 But he picks the number one show every single night! He knows! 349 00:24:32,779 --> 00:24:35,509 Hey. He knows. 350 00:24:51,998 --> 00:24:55,092 I'm gonna be rich. -Well, that's just wonderful. 351 00:24:55,168 --> 00:24:58,365 Now may I see your driver's license? -Sure. 352 00:24:59,706 --> 00:25:03,198 Thank you. Okay. 353 00:25:14,254 --> 00:25:17,417 You look just like a friend of mine. 354 00:25:28,401 --> 00:25:30,494 Steve! -For you! 355 00:25:30,570 --> 00:25:33,095 Oh, Steve, they're beautiful! 356 00:25:33,773 --> 00:25:36,173 But you really shouldn't have spent the money. 357 00:25:36,242 --> 00:25:39,109 Don't worry. There'll be a lot more where that came from. 358 00:25:39,179 --> 00:25:41,010 You know, it's a funny thing. 359 00:25:41,011 --> 00:25:42,842 Everything seems to be going wrong for you. 360 00:25:42,916 --> 00:25:45,646 One day you turn a corner and your whole life changes. 361 00:25:45,719 --> 00:25:48,347 All of a sudden you got the world in your hip pocket. 362 00:25:48,421 --> 00:25:51,288 It's amazing, isn't it? -Yeah. 363 00:25:53,993 --> 00:25:57,588 Raffles? Hey, uh, where is he, Jen? 364 00:25:57,664 --> 00:26:00,827 Oh, he's with Roger. -Roger? 365 00:26:00,900 --> 00:26:02,891 Yeah, they left about ten minutes ago. 366 00:26:02,969 --> 00:26:04,493 Why? What for? Where'd he go? 367 00:26:04,571 --> 00:26:05,799 They went for a walk. 368 00:26:05,872 --> 00:26:07,601 He went for a walk with that creep? 369 00:26:07,674 --> 00:26:10,074 I told you before, he's not a creep! 370 00:26:10,143 --> 00:26:13,203 How could you do this to me? 371 00:26:31,731 --> 00:26:35,030 Oh, hi, Rog. -Hi. What are you doing here? 372 00:26:35,101 --> 00:26:37,433 You were taking a walk. I thought I'd join you. 373 00:26:37,504 --> 00:26:40,996 You know, there is something really weird going on here. 374 00:26:41,074 --> 00:26:42,336 Uh, what? 375 00:26:42,408 --> 00:26:45,707 I... I think that chimp actually likes TV. 376 00:26:47,847 --> 00:26:49,474 You've gotta be kidding. 377 00:26:49,549 --> 00:26:52,211 No, he actually seems to be entertained. 378 00:26:52,285 --> 00:26:55,152 Look, he really likes it. -No, no. It's just the lights. 379 00:26:55,221 --> 00:26:58,748 Certain light attracts certain animals. That's a scientific fact. 380 00:26:58,825 --> 00:27:00,486 I never heard that. 381 00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:03,757 You didn't know that? I thought everybody knew that. 382 00:27:03,830 --> 00:27:05,923 I learned that at Moonrise Night School. 383 00:27:05,999 --> 00:27:08,490 On Melrose Avenue? 384 00:27:09,736 --> 00:27:11,727 What's the matter? -I don't know. 385 00:27:11,805 --> 00:27:14,330 I've never seen him act like this. What did you do? 386 00:27:14,407 --> 00:27:18,002 I didn't do anything to him. Look, he's gone mad! 387 00:27:18,077 --> 00:27:20,671 Well, you must've stepped on his paw or something. 388 00:27:20,747 --> 00:27:23,409 How could I step on his paw from over here? 389 00:27:24,617 --> 00:27:27,711 Good heav... 390 00:27:28,521 --> 00:27:31,422 Uh, excuse me. Here, let me help you. I'm terribly sorry. 391 00:27:35,695 --> 00:27:37,219 Good. We got it. 392 00:27:37,297 --> 00:27:39,390 Come on, fellow. We're all through here. 393 00:27:39,465 --> 00:27:42,059 Vicious little... Keep that ape away from me. 394 00:27:42,135 --> 00:27:43,932 Come on. Over here. -On the table. 395 00:27:44,003 --> 00:27:47,063 Thank heaven you're here. You can't believe what happened. 396 00:27:47,140 --> 00:27:50,541 We're not finished yet. -Rog, don't worry about a thing. 397 00:27:50,610 --> 00:27:53,044 We've got the bail. We'll have you out in no time. 398 00:27:53,112 --> 00:27:56,980 How could you let me be associated with a beast like that? He's a monster. 399 00:27:57,050 --> 00:28:00,645 He's not a monster. Something just got into him, that's all. 400 00:28:15,401 --> 00:28:18,165 Maybe he just doesn't like basketball. 401 00:28:18,238 --> 00:28:21,264 Oh, he doesn't? I happen to like it very... 402 00:28:23,176 --> 00:28:25,269 That thing's not a monster? 403 00:28:25,345 --> 00:28:27,609 That's gonna cost you 75 bucks. 404 00:28:28,448 --> 00:28:31,611 For what? That? -Come on, fella. 405 00:28:31,684 --> 00:28:34,585 It's gonna cost at least 75 bucks to get that thing fixed. 406 00:28:34,654 --> 00:28:37,054 Okay. Who do I pay to bail the chimp out? 407 00:28:37,123 --> 00:28:41,457 We take care of it right here. -Wait a minute. What about me? 408 00:28:41,527 --> 00:28:43,051 Gee, I'm sorry, Rog. 409 00:28:43,129 --> 00:28:45,757 I'm out of money. I gotta get some more. Don't worry. 410 00:28:46,266 --> 00:28:50,259 You're bailing that chimp out and letting me stay here in this dump? 411 00:28:50,336 --> 00:28:51,997 Wait just a minute, mac. 412 00:28:52,071 --> 00:28:55,165 This is a pretty nice place. We happen to like it down here. 413 00:28:55,241 --> 00:28:57,402 Well, you have to. I don't. 414 00:28:57,944 --> 00:29:00,640 Steve, we aren't gonna leave Roger here? 415 00:29:00,713 --> 00:29:04,080 Gee, we've gotta be realistic about this thing, Jen. I mean, uh... 416 00:29:04,150 --> 00:29:07,085 It's Roger or the chimp, and this is no place for a chimp. 417 00:29:07,153 --> 00:29:10,088 Well, it's no place for me, either! 418 00:29:10,156 --> 00:29:12,090 Wave goodbye to Uncle Roger now. 419 00:29:15,261 --> 00:29:17,286 Miserable chimp. 420 00:29:18,731 --> 00:29:21,427 Poor little guy. -Poor little guy, my foot. 421 00:29:21,501 --> 00:29:23,594 It's back to the Bernaduccis for him. 422 00:29:23,670 --> 00:29:25,695 Oh, no, wait a minute. You can't do that. 423 00:29:25,772 --> 00:29:27,603 What are you getting excited about? 424 00:29:27,674 --> 00:29:29,335 I need him! -You need him? 425 00:29:29,409 --> 00:29:31,400 I mean, I don't need him. 426 00:29:31,477 --> 00:29:34,503 Why would you wanna give a poor little guy like this away? 427 00:29:34,580 --> 00:29:35,979 I mean, that's inhumane! 428 00:29:36,049 --> 00:29:38,415 Inhumane? He's the one that's inhumane. 429 00:29:38,484 --> 00:29:41,578 He's already broken two TV sets and a plate glass window. 430 00:29:41,654 --> 00:29:44,885 Look, Jen, maybe he's trying to get something out of his system. 431 00:29:44,958 --> 00:29:47,017 Just give him a few days. He'll be okay. 432 00:29:48,995 --> 00:29:50,792 Okay, I'll give him till Saturday. 433 00:29:50,863 --> 00:29:54,264 Good. By Saturday, he'll be acting like a different chimp. 434 00:29:54,334 --> 00:29:55,858 I guarantee it. 435 00:30:27,400 --> 00:30:31,063 I just can't understand it. -Understand what? 436 00:30:31,137 --> 00:30:33,901 Why he'd give me tickets to take you to the ball game. 437 00:30:33,973 --> 00:30:36,237 That's because you don't understand Steve. 438 00:30:36,309 --> 00:30:38,402 He has a lot of nice qualities about him. 439 00:30:39,445 --> 00:30:41,276 Like what? 440 00:30:41,347 --> 00:30:43,076 Well, he's charitable. 441 00:30:43,149 --> 00:30:45,447 He gave you tickets to take me to the game. 442 00:30:45,518 --> 00:30:48,749 Yeah, but I still think there's some motive behind that. 443 00:30:48,821 --> 00:30:51,915 And he's honest. Nobody can say he's not honest. 444 00:30:51,991 --> 00:30:54,255 And as far as being trustworthy, 445 00:30:54,327 --> 00:30:57,091 I don't know anyone I would trust more than Steve. 446 00:30:57,163 --> 00:30:59,154 And he's loyal and brave and... 447 00:30:59,232 --> 00:31:03,032 Jen, will you forget it? You're making him sound like a boy scout. 448 00:31:16,049 --> 00:31:18,540 Come on, Raffles. 449 00:31:49,916 --> 00:31:54,182 You have to believe me. I've got a scientific approach to rating TV shows. 450 00:31:54,253 --> 00:31:57,780 It'll revolutionize this whole industry. We can put UBC right on top. 451 00:31:57,857 --> 00:31:59,688 Jen, I'm going to be very busy today. 452 00:31:59,759 --> 00:32:05,197 Will you see to it that I am not disturbed unless absolutely necessary? 453 00:32:09,635 --> 00:32:12,661 I've got the key to this industry, and he won't listen to me. 454 00:32:12,738 --> 00:32:15,366 Steve, just leave Mr. Wilbanks alone today. 455 00:32:15,441 --> 00:32:17,466 Mr. Crampton's coming in from New York, 456 00:32:17,543 --> 00:32:19,033 and he's nervous as a kitten. 457 00:32:19,112 --> 00:32:21,512 Wait a minute. Crampton's coming in tomorrow? 458 00:32:21,581 --> 00:32:24,948 That's perfect. Uh, look, I won't be able to see you tonight. 459 00:32:25,017 --> 00:32:27,485 I've got some homework I want to do. 460 00:32:41,067 --> 00:32:43,092 The programs of this station... 461 00:32:43,169 --> 00:32:47,765 Okay, 12:30 to 1:00, channel 18. 462 00:32:47,840 --> 00:32:50,775 Okay, that does it. You can go to bed now. 463 00:32:50,843 --> 00:32:52,435 You've had a hard day's work. 464 00:32:52,512 --> 00:32:55,447 And if this doesn't convince them, I don't know what will. 465 00:32:59,318 --> 00:33:01,252 "Dear Mr. Crampton. 466 00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:04,585 As a loyal member of the United Broadcasting Corporation, 467 00:33:04,657 --> 00:33:09,822 I must tell you that I seem to have a strange ability 468 00:33:09,896 --> 00:33:11,796 which enables me to pick the shows 469 00:33:11,864 --> 00:33:14,662 the American people like best." 470 00:33:24,777 --> 00:33:27,405 Hey, Mertons, the old limo's looking pretty slick. 471 00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:30,415 It better. I have to pick up the big man. 472 00:33:30,483 --> 00:33:33,179 Yeah, I heard about that. Hey, listen. 473 00:33:33,252 --> 00:33:35,379 Would you mind slipping this to Crampton? 474 00:33:35,454 --> 00:33:36,716 Uh, no, I can't do that. 475 00:33:36,789 --> 00:33:40,452 If the boss caught me passing your notes to the chief... 476 00:33:40,526 --> 00:33:42,585 Don't worry. I got something big. 477 00:33:42,662 --> 00:33:46,154 It's our chance to put the network on top. I can prove it to Crampton. 478 00:33:46,232 --> 00:33:49,258 Our network on top? 479 00:33:49,335 --> 00:33:50,927 Forget it. 480 00:33:52,939 --> 00:33:55,601 Guess I was mistaken. You're another one of those. 481 00:33:55,675 --> 00:33:57,142 Wait a minute. 482 00:33:59,078 --> 00:34:00,636 Another one of those what? 483 00:34:00,713 --> 00:34:03,614 One of those who has something against young people. 484 00:34:03,683 --> 00:34:05,674 I never said that. 485 00:34:05,751 --> 00:34:08,447 What's wrong with a young man getting ahead, anyway? 486 00:34:08,521 --> 00:34:12,048 I mean, didn't William Pitt become prime minister of England at 24? 487 00:34:12,124 --> 00:34:13,819 What about Alexander Hamilton? 488 00:34:13,893 --> 00:34:16,657 He signed the Declaration of Independence at 19. 489 00:34:16,729 --> 00:34:20,028 Alexander the Great. How old was he when he conquered Macedonia? 490 00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:22,529 I forget. -And Louis XIV. 491 00:34:22,602 --> 00:34:24,553 The greatest ruler France had. 492 00:34:24,554 --> 00:34:26,504 You know, he became king at the age of four. 493 00:34:26,572 --> 00:34:27,561 Four? 494 00:34:27,640 --> 00:34:31,201 There was even a British king who took over when he was nine months old. 495 00:34:31,277 --> 00:34:33,273 I can go through history and show people 496 00:34:33,274 --> 00:34:35,270 that became great leaders at early ages. 497 00:34:35,348 --> 00:34:38,215 Huh. Yeah, but what's that got to do with... 498 00:34:38,284 --> 00:34:41,720 Here he comes. I know you'll find the time to slip it to Mr. Crampton. 499 00:34:41,787 --> 00:34:43,687 Morning, Mr. Wilbanks. -Morning. 500 00:34:43,756 --> 00:34:45,656 Have a nice trip. -Have a nice trip? 501 00:34:45,725 --> 00:34:47,317 I'm only going to the airport. 502 00:34:47,393 --> 00:34:50,055 Well, have a nice trip to the airport. 503 00:34:50,129 --> 00:34:54,031 Something must be wrong, Wilbanks. We're always third in the ratings. 504 00:34:54,100 --> 00:34:57,592 Which would be all right, but there are only three networks! 505 00:34:57,670 --> 00:35:01,538 We come up with loser after loser, disaster after disaster. 506 00:35:01,607 --> 00:35:05,134 But chief, I've been through 47 pilot films this year... 507 00:35:05,211 --> 00:35:08,374 Well, maybe it's your staff. Have you got experienced people? 508 00:35:08,447 --> 00:35:10,677 Well, experience is hard to come by, chief. 509 00:35:10,750 --> 00:35:13,150 All you've got available to you are young kids, 510 00:35:13,219 --> 00:35:16,279 running around, trying to tell you how to run your business. 511 00:35:16,355 --> 00:35:19,085 Speaking of kids telling you how to run your business, 512 00:35:19,158 --> 00:35:20,785 this is for you, Mr. Crampton. 513 00:35:22,395 --> 00:35:24,226 Is that from Steven Post? 514 00:35:24,297 --> 00:35:27,425 Why would you bother the chief with that? 515 00:35:27,500 --> 00:35:29,832 Isn't it bad enough that I'm bothered by him? 516 00:35:29,902 --> 00:35:33,770 He says he's got a foolproof method of determining the top-rated programs. 517 00:35:33,839 --> 00:35:36,000 Hmm. He's ambitious. 518 00:35:36,075 --> 00:35:38,441 He's rated all of last night's shows. 519 00:35:38,511 --> 00:35:41,503 "Check with the overnight ratings. You'll see I'm right." 520 00:35:41,580 --> 00:35:43,411 Don't pay any attention to that kid. 521 00:35:43,482 --> 00:35:45,530 He'll drive you nuts. He's 21 years old, 522 00:35:45,531 --> 00:35:47,578 and thinks he should run the network. 523 00:35:47,653 --> 00:35:50,520 Well, I don't think age has anything to do with it, boss. 524 00:35:50,589 --> 00:35:53,353 I didn't ask you! -What's wrong with a young man 525 00:35:53,426 --> 00:35:55,621 running the network? Look at William Pitt. 526 00:35:55,695 --> 00:35:58,528 He was only 24, and he was president of England. 527 00:35:58,597 --> 00:36:02,624 And Alexander the Great. How old was he when he conquered Macedonia? 528 00:36:02,702 --> 00:36:05,296 How would I know? Just drive the car. 529 00:36:05,371 --> 00:36:08,829 Look at all them little kids that was kings of different countries. 530 00:36:08,908 --> 00:36:11,502 Like this little kid that was only four years old, 531 00:36:11,577 --> 00:36:14,705 and he was king of France. And there's one kid, 532 00:36:14,780 --> 00:36:17,681 he was the king of England, he was only nine months! 533 00:36:17,750 --> 00:36:22,653 Nine months? A person became king of England at nine months? 534 00:36:22,722 --> 00:36:24,690 I don't remember anything about that. 535 00:36:24,757 --> 00:36:26,622 You don't? 536 00:36:29,595 --> 00:36:33,087 Tell him to drive the car. -Drive the car. 537 00:36:39,939 --> 00:36:42,669 You rated every show exactly like our rating service. 538 00:36:42,742 --> 00:36:44,642 How'd you do that, young man? 539 00:36:44,710 --> 00:36:47,338 I guess I just have an instinct for what people like. 540 00:36:47,413 --> 00:36:50,041 He's got an instinct for getting people in trouble. 541 00:36:50,116 --> 00:36:51,105 Just a minute. 542 00:36:51,183 --> 00:36:53,174 You can't listen to punks. -Francis. 543 00:36:54,653 --> 00:36:56,518 Francis! 544 00:36:57,123 --> 00:37:00,183 I'm out here to replace some shows that... 545 00:37:00,259 --> 00:37:02,386 Well, they're not doing too well. 546 00:37:02,461 --> 00:37:05,021 How would you like to look at some new films with me? 547 00:37:05,097 --> 00:37:07,429 I'd be honored. -That's carrying it too far. 548 00:37:07,500 --> 00:37:09,934 I think I could do a lot better if I took them home. 549 00:37:10,002 --> 00:37:12,562 My powers of concentration are stronger that way. 550 00:37:12,638 --> 00:37:14,572 Never mind. 551 00:37:14,640 --> 00:37:17,268 No film leaves this studio. That's company policy. 552 00:37:17,343 --> 00:37:19,811 He's right. Just be in our viewing room at 6:00. 553 00:37:19,879 --> 00:37:24,248 Francis, we'll see how good the boy really is. 554 00:37:42,401 --> 00:37:44,892 That looks good. It's encouraging. 555 00:37:46,038 --> 00:37:49,064 Yeah, I think we're on the right track. 556 00:37:49,141 --> 00:37:51,871 What was that? -What? 557 00:37:51,944 --> 00:37:53,309 What was that? 558 00:37:53,379 --> 00:37:56,507 One of our plumbers, sir. He's a terrific little guy. Really. 559 00:37:56,582 --> 00:37:59,915 Shortest plumber I've ever seen. I hope you're paying minimum. 560 00:37:59,985 --> 00:38:02,078 I don't hire the plumbers. -You coming? 561 00:38:02,154 --> 00:38:04,987 I'll be right up. -Find out who hires plumbers. 562 00:38:54,607 --> 00:38:57,542 Stan, don't use the mail elevator for a couple of minutes. 563 00:38:57,610 --> 00:39:00,477 I got some important stuff on it. -Sure, Steve. 564 00:39:14,994 --> 00:39:17,394 Jen! Uh, hi. 565 00:39:17,463 --> 00:39:20,330 What have you been up to? I've been looking for you all day. 566 00:39:20,399 --> 00:39:24,233 Oh, kind of in and out. You know how it is. What's up? 567 00:39:24,303 --> 00:39:27,966 Well, I wanted to talk to you. I'm worried about my chimp. 568 00:39:28,040 --> 00:39:30,907 He's calmed down like you said, but maybe too much. 569 00:39:30,976 --> 00:39:34,707 Uh, uh, what do you mean? -He doesn't seem to be himself. 570 00:39:34,780 --> 00:39:37,180 He has no energy, no spunk, nothing. 571 00:39:37,249 --> 00:39:39,547 He's even stopped watching TV. 572 00:39:39,618 --> 00:39:42,314 He probably got a hold of bad bananas or something. 573 00:39:42,388 --> 00:39:44,822 Bananas? Would they bother a chimp? 574 00:39:44,890 --> 00:39:48,223 Uh, sure. If he got a hold of some bad ones, they would. 575 00:39:48,294 --> 00:39:49,727 Hmm. 576 00:39:55,267 --> 00:39:57,963 Steve, what's the matter with you? You seem nervous. 577 00:39:58,037 --> 00:40:00,267 Uh, I gotta go to that screening. 578 00:40:00,339 --> 00:40:02,307 You know, big shots and everything. 579 00:40:02,374 --> 00:40:05,207 It's already started. What are you standing here for? 580 00:40:05,277 --> 00:40:08,440 Uh, I was just waiting for some mail to come up. 581 00:40:08,514 --> 00:40:10,641 Then you have to push the button. 582 00:40:12,952 --> 00:40:16,217 Yeah. I was just thinking about doing that. 583 00:40:19,525 --> 00:40:20,924 What is the matter with you? 584 00:40:20,993 --> 00:40:23,223 You act like you're trying to get rid of me. 585 00:40:23,295 --> 00:40:26,822 Oh, Jen, you know I'd never do a thing like that. 586 00:40:29,068 --> 00:40:31,195 If you want a ride home, you better come on. 587 00:40:31,270 --> 00:40:32,931 Okay. 588 00:40:35,307 --> 00:40:39,368 You know, Steve, sometimes you act really weird. 589 00:40:40,980 --> 00:40:44,279 I'll see you later, Jen. 590 00:41:06,739 --> 00:41:09,367 Is that you, Post? 591 00:41:09,441 --> 00:41:11,102 Uh, yes, sir. Sorry I'm late. 592 00:41:11,176 --> 00:41:13,110 Yes. Well, we're showing a few scenes 593 00:41:13,178 --> 00:41:15,009 from The Happy Harringtons first. 594 00:41:15,080 --> 00:41:17,878 We're confident it's our strongest replacement show. 595 00:41:17,950 --> 00:41:19,918 But feel free to have your own opinion. 596 00:41:19,985 --> 00:41:21,418 Thank you, sir. 597 00:41:27,993 --> 00:41:30,553 What was that? -I didn't say anything. 598 00:41:30,629 --> 00:41:32,563 I get asthma every once in a while. 599 00:41:32,631 --> 00:41:36,192 You better have that checked. That's the worst I've heard. 600 00:41:38,837 --> 00:41:42,136 Post, if you don't like the show, just say so! 601 00:41:42,207 --> 00:41:44,038 Uh, I'm sorry, sir. 602 00:41:44,109 --> 00:41:46,805 I, uh, I think I'll get my asthma spray. 603 00:41:46,879 --> 00:41:49,109 I keep it in the projection booth. 604 00:41:49,181 --> 00:41:52,776 Why would he keep his asthma spray in the projection booth? 605 00:41:52,851 --> 00:41:57,185 Well, he... I don't know. -Oh, you don't know. 606 00:41:57,256 --> 00:41:59,781 Can you ever answer anything but "I don't know"? 607 00:41:59,858 --> 00:42:01,018 Stevie. -Hi, Tom. 608 00:42:01,093 --> 00:42:03,357 What do you got, a replacement for Wilbanks? 609 00:42:03,429 --> 00:42:05,693 No, he's a pet. I'm watching him for a friend. 610 00:42:05,764 --> 00:42:07,231 Hey, he's really great. 611 00:42:07,299 --> 00:42:09,790 I gotta go back. How about him watching from here? 612 00:42:09,868 --> 00:42:11,802 He won't be any problem. -Sure. 613 00:42:11,870 --> 00:42:15,533 I'm glad to have someone to talk to. It gets lonely in here by yourself. 614 00:42:17,209 --> 00:42:20,007 Now, don't let me down. Thanks a lot, Tom. 615 00:42:20,079 --> 00:42:22,206 Sure, Steve. 616 00:42:30,055 --> 00:42:32,580 UBC proudly presents... 617 00:42:35,394 --> 00:42:38,090 ...Devil Dan! 618 00:42:39,732 --> 00:42:42,895 Dumb kid. I told him to save this for the last, chief. 619 00:42:42,968 --> 00:42:45,163 I'm sorry about this. Save it! 620 00:42:45,237 --> 00:42:48,468 I know it isn't much, but we have to look at them all. 621 00:42:48,540 --> 00:42:50,007 Don't save it! 622 00:42:54,847 --> 00:42:57,008 Devil Dan? Audience appeal? 623 00:42:57,082 --> 00:42:59,482 You've gotta be kidding. -Not at all. 624 00:42:59,551 --> 00:43:02,179 Devil Dan would start this network to the top. 625 00:43:02,254 --> 00:43:04,620 Yes, well, my boy, I think we at the network 626 00:43:04,690 --> 00:43:06,885 have our fingers on the pulse of the public, 627 00:43:06,959 --> 00:43:08,859 and it reads Happy Harringtons to us. 628 00:43:08,927 --> 00:43:13,557 But sir, people just won't buy that stuff anymore. That show is a dog. 629 00:43:13,632 --> 00:43:16,226 Well, yes, we do appreciate your suggestion. 630 00:43:16,301 --> 00:43:19,634 If we ever need you again, we'll be sure and get in touch. 631 00:43:21,340 --> 00:43:25,208 Ruthless, bald audacity. -That's what I'm trying to tell you. 632 00:43:25,277 --> 00:43:27,507 That boy is blind to everything human... 633 00:43:27,579 --> 00:43:29,479 Figure a way to quietly get rid of him. 634 00:43:29,548 --> 00:43:30,640 Oh, I can handle that. 635 00:43:30,716 --> 00:43:34,652 I'm going east, I'll take care of things there. Get hold of publicity. 636 00:43:34,720 --> 00:43:37,883 The Happy Harringtons are replacing Riot Squadron Saturday. 637 00:43:37,956 --> 00:43:39,821 Tell them we want a big splurge on it. 638 00:43:39,892 --> 00:43:42,588 Right, chief. I'll take care of it on this end. Right. 639 00:43:42,661 --> 00:43:45,129 They just won't listen. Nobody will listen. 640 00:43:45,197 --> 00:43:47,722 They were nice enough to ask you to see the film. 641 00:43:47,800 --> 00:43:50,268 You gave them your opinion, they didn't like it. 642 00:43:50,335 --> 00:43:52,803 You can't blame them. -But they're wrong, Jen. 643 00:43:52,871 --> 00:43:54,964 Well, how do you know they're wrong? 644 00:43:55,040 --> 00:43:58,840 I just know it. I really know it! 645 00:43:59,978 --> 00:44:02,310 And I know of a way to make them listen too. 646 00:44:59,238 --> 00:45:01,900 Can I have your attention? Your attention. 647 00:45:01,974 --> 00:45:04,909 Thank you. I want you all to make yourselves comfortable, 648 00:45:04,977 --> 00:45:06,945 and I want you to enjoy yourselves. 649 00:45:07,012 --> 00:45:11,312 But I would suggest that you hold your applause until after the show. 650 00:45:11,383 --> 00:45:13,943 That way you won't miss any of the jokes. 651 00:45:24,363 --> 00:45:28,697 Ladies and gentlemen, stay tuned for UBC's hilarious new show, 652 00:45:28,767 --> 00:45:32,396 The Happy Harringtons! 653 00:45:32,471 --> 00:45:35,031 UBC proudly presents... 654 00:45:37,910 --> 00:45:39,969 ...Devil Dan! 655 00:45:40,045 --> 00:45:42,605 Devil Dan? -How did that happen? 656 00:45:42,681 --> 00:45:46,208 What's going on here? In all my years, I've never seen this happen. 657 00:45:46,285 --> 00:45:48,480 It's those boobs in the transmitting room. 658 00:45:48,553 --> 00:45:51,351 I'll get to the bottom of this if I have to fire every one. 659 00:45:51,423 --> 00:45:52,890 Get me a phone. 660 00:45:52,958 --> 00:45:55,722 There's no sense in calling anyone. 661 00:45:55,794 --> 00:45:57,819 You see, I changed the program. 662 00:45:57,896 --> 00:45:59,796 You? 663 00:45:59,865 --> 00:46:02,732 Yes, sir. I know it may seem a little upsetting right now, 664 00:46:02,801 --> 00:46:06,498 but believe me, it's in the best interest of the company. 665 00:46:06,571 --> 00:46:10,940 Do you realize that you have altered the will of a network? 666 00:46:11,009 --> 00:46:14,445 And I, uh, I suppose you want me to resign? 667 00:46:14,513 --> 00:46:16,606 No. You're fired. 668 00:46:22,354 --> 00:46:24,447 Mr. Wilbanks, New York on the phone. 669 00:46:24,523 --> 00:46:27,720 That's Crampton! What am I going to tell Crampton? 670 00:46:33,098 --> 00:46:36,295 Steve. -Hey, look, Jen, don't worry. 671 00:46:36,368 --> 00:46:38,666 Everything's gonna be okay, really. 672 00:46:44,042 --> 00:46:46,943 Big dummy. 673 00:46:47,012 --> 00:46:49,276 You see? That's what happens 674 00:46:49,348 --> 00:46:51,475 when you have a Moonrise Night School man 675 00:46:51,550 --> 00:46:54,144 in the network business. 676 00:46:54,219 --> 00:46:56,449 Why don't you shut up? 677 00:47:16,608 --> 00:47:18,235 Hi. -Hi. 678 00:47:18,310 --> 00:47:20,938 Where are you going? -I guess I'll get a hamburger. 679 00:47:21,013 --> 00:47:23,140 Well, I'm kinda hungry too. 680 00:47:23,882 --> 00:47:26,442 Look, Jen, maybe you'd better go back inside. 681 00:47:26,518 --> 00:47:28,076 I mean, uh, 682 00:47:28,153 --> 00:47:31,281 I'm not really the most popular guy in the world right now. 683 00:47:47,139 --> 00:47:50,336 You really want a hamburger? -Uh-huh. 684 00:47:50,409 --> 00:47:52,536 You look kinda funny riding back there. 685 00:47:52,611 --> 00:47:56,012 Who said I was afraid of looking funny? 686 00:48:12,197 --> 00:48:13,926 Holy mackerel! 687 00:48:14,332 --> 00:48:17,324 Oh, good morning, Mr. Wilbanks! 688 00:48:20,639 --> 00:48:24,302 Oh, Mr. Wilbanks! Say, that was really something. 689 00:48:24,376 --> 00:48:27,345 A real touch of genius. Congratulations. 690 00:48:28,213 --> 00:48:29,771 Thank you. 691 00:48:31,616 --> 00:48:32,981 Good morning. -Morning. 692 00:48:33,051 --> 00:48:34,484 Hey, that was terrific. 693 00:48:34,553 --> 00:48:37,716 How'd you come up with something like that? Congratulations. 694 00:48:37,789 --> 00:48:39,882 I beg your pardon? 695 00:48:42,060 --> 00:48:45,757 Very clever, Wilbanks. Congratulations. 696 00:48:45,831 --> 00:48:48,527 Oh, thank you. Thank you. 697 00:48:48,600 --> 00:48:51,262 Just a minute. -Can you tell me what all... 698 00:48:51,336 --> 00:48:54,271 Mr. Wilbanks, New York. -Oh. Hello? 699 00:48:54,339 --> 00:48:57,900 What time do you get to work? I've spent half the day trying to reach you. 700 00:48:57,976 --> 00:49:00,604 Oh, you see, there's a three hour time difference, 701 00:49:00,679 --> 00:49:04,308 and where it's 12:00 noon in New York, out here it's only... 702 00:49:04,382 --> 00:49:07,510 Don't tell me what time it is in New York. Get him! 703 00:49:07,586 --> 00:49:10,146 Who? -Who? 704 00:49:10,222 --> 00:49:12,281 Haven't you read the trade papers yet? 705 00:49:12,357 --> 00:49:14,791 Trade papers? Uh... 706 00:49:17,629 --> 00:49:20,598 Wilbanks? -Oh, no! How... 707 00:49:20,665 --> 00:49:24,294 Wilbanks, are you there? -Uh, yes, I'm... I'm here. 708 00:49:24,369 --> 00:49:26,496 Well, listen, sign him to a contract. 709 00:49:26,571 --> 00:49:29,199 We don't want anyone stealing him from us. 710 00:49:29,274 --> 00:49:31,799 But, uh, chief, I fired him. 711 00:49:31,877 --> 00:49:34,675 You what? -Well, don't you remember? 712 00:49:34,746 --> 00:49:37,271 I told you on the phone, and you told me... 713 00:49:37,349 --> 00:49:39,476 Don't tell me what I told you. 714 00:49:39,551 --> 00:49:42,679 I know what I told you. Just get that boy back. 715 00:49:43,488 --> 00:49:45,820 He's a genius! 716 00:49:45,891 --> 00:49:47,859 Uh, I'll certainly do my best, chief, 717 00:49:47,926 --> 00:49:49,325 but I don't know whether... 718 00:49:49,394 --> 00:49:51,123 Of course you don't know whether. 719 00:49:51,196 --> 00:49:54,222 I'll be out tomorrow. Have that boy in your office at 1:00. 720 00:49:54,299 --> 00:49:55,732 And have the press there. 721 00:49:55,800 --> 00:49:58,428 From now on, I'll manage this myself! 722 00:49:58,503 --> 00:50:01,404 On behalf of the board of directors of this network, 723 00:50:01,473 --> 00:50:05,273 I take great pleasure in the following announcement. 724 00:50:05,343 --> 00:50:08,506 Steven Post has been made our new program director. 725 00:50:08,580 --> 00:50:12,311 A boy that age, program director? -What's the matter with a boy that age? 726 00:50:12,384 --> 00:50:13,578 Look at William Pitt. 727 00:50:13,652 --> 00:50:16,314 He was prime minister of England when he was only 24. 728 00:50:16,388 --> 00:50:20,722 And Alexander the Great? How old was he when he conquered Macedonia? 729 00:50:20,792 --> 00:50:22,817 No, we here at the network 730 00:50:22,894 --> 00:50:26,728 are convinced that Steven Post is a young man of unique talent, 731 00:50:26,798 --> 00:50:29,289 well-qualified to join the executive team 732 00:50:29,367 --> 00:50:32,393 that will lead UBC to the very top. 733 00:50:32,470 --> 00:50:34,597 If the kid's going to be program director, 734 00:50:34,673 --> 00:50:36,538 what's going to happen to Wilbanks? 735 00:50:36,608 --> 00:50:40,169 Oh, we haven't forgotten Mr. Wilbanks. He's moved on too. 736 00:50:40,245 --> 00:50:44,944 He'll be vice president in charge of cultural relations. 737 00:50:45,016 --> 00:50:47,712 What's that? -We'll let Wilbanks explain. 738 00:50:47,786 --> 00:50:51,449 What is it, Mr. Wilbanks? -That's very... 739 00:50:51,523 --> 00:50:56,392 You see, whenever we have the... Uh, I don't know what it is. 740 00:51:00,465 --> 00:51:03,332 Steve, it's so wonderful. 741 00:51:03,902 --> 00:51:08,396 Huh? Yeah. Yeah, well, uh... 742 00:51:08,473 --> 00:51:10,668 Mr. Crampton thought I ought to have a place 743 00:51:10,742 --> 00:51:13,006 where I can kinda, oh, entertain and stuff. 744 00:51:13,078 --> 00:51:15,308 On account of my new job, you know? 745 00:51:15,380 --> 00:51:17,473 Oh, Steve, I'm so happy for you. 746 00:51:17,549 --> 00:51:20,518 You should be so proud of yourself. 747 00:51:20,585 --> 00:51:23,019 And just think, you did it all on your own. 748 00:51:23,088 --> 00:51:25,454 Yeah. 749 00:51:38,236 --> 00:51:40,101 Hey! 750 00:51:43,708 --> 00:51:47,200 Come on, sweetheart. Thattaboy. Come on, baby. 751 00:51:47,279 --> 00:51:50,043 Thattaboy. There you go. 752 00:51:50,115 --> 00:51:53,141 Yeah, I love you too. Watch the movie. 753 00:51:59,090 --> 00:52:00,580 How about this one, Post? 754 00:52:00,659 --> 00:52:02,684 I don't know yet. -He doesn't know yet. 755 00:52:02,761 --> 00:52:05,252 No, he wants to run it. 756 00:52:16,141 --> 00:52:18,075 It's good. -Oh, another winner. 757 00:52:18,143 --> 00:52:20,168 Yeah, yeah, he likes it. 758 00:52:20,245 --> 00:52:22,179 Yeah. 759 00:52:47,272 --> 00:52:49,604 Congratulations, Steve. 760 00:52:51,509 --> 00:52:52,908 Uh, on what? 761 00:52:52,977 --> 00:52:55,741 On the award you're gonna win tonight. 762 00:52:55,814 --> 00:52:58,282 Hey, look, Jen, I haven't won that yet. 763 00:52:58,350 --> 00:53:02,411 Well, you will. If you're not TV man of the year, who is? 764 00:53:02,487 --> 00:53:04,614 Uh, Jen... 765 00:53:04,689 --> 00:53:08,591 When are you gonna tell me about those locks? 766 00:53:08,660 --> 00:53:11,561 There? Uh... 767 00:53:11,629 --> 00:53:13,460 I can't. 768 00:53:13,531 --> 00:53:15,897 Well, you see, it's kinda like my war room. 769 00:53:15,967 --> 00:53:17,798 It's where I make all my decisions. 770 00:53:17,869 --> 00:53:20,133 It's, uh... It's very private. 771 00:53:22,340 --> 00:53:24,831 Well, do I ever get to see? 772 00:53:26,911 --> 00:53:28,538 Yeah, I'll show you sometime. 773 00:53:29,781 --> 00:53:33,080 Steve, what's the matter? -Nothing. 774 00:53:33,151 --> 00:53:36,177 Uh, I was just thinking. -About what? 775 00:53:37,188 --> 00:53:39,622 Ah, it's a lot of stuff you wouldn't understand. 776 00:53:39,691 --> 00:53:41,852 I might. 777 00:53:42,360 --> 00:53:45,727 Well, I was thinking about people. 778 00:53:45,797 --> 00:53:48,493 People like Vasco da Gama. 779 00:53:48,566 --> 00:53:50,534 Like who? -Yeah, he was a discoverer. 780 00:53:50,602 --> 00:53:53,093 He discovered the West Indies. -I know, but... 781 00:53:53,171 --> 00:53:56,163 Isn't it just as good to discover something as invent it? 782 00:53:56,241 --> 00:53:57,640 I guess. -Where would we be 783 00:53:57,709 --> 00:53:59,870 if people didn't discover things? 784 00:53:59,944 --> 00:54:04,278 Just like some great scientist who... Well, maybe he's not so great, 785 00:54:04,349 --> 00:54:07,284 but he discovers a lab assistant who's doing all the work. 786 00:54:07,352 --> 00:54:09,616 But the scientist takes all the credit. Why? 787 00:54:09,687 --> 00:54:11,780 Because he discovered him. 788 00:54:11,856 --> 00:54:14,347 Well, there's nothing wrong with that, is there? 789 00:54:15,660 --> 00:54:17,594 No, I guess not. 790 00:54:19,130 --> 00:54:22,065 Good. That's the way I had it figured. 791 00:54:40,151 --> 00:54:42,346 And now, ladies and gentlemen, 792 00:54:42,420 --> 00:54:44,888 the most coveted prize of all: 793 00:54:44,956 --> 00:54:48,084 TV's "Man of the Year" award. 794 00:54:48,159 --> 00:54:50,093 And the winner is... 795 00:54:54,599 --> 00:54:57,090 ...Steven Post, -Yeah! Yeah! 796 00:54:57,168 --> 00:55:00,103 President of the United Broadcasting Corporation. 797 00:55:00,171 --> 00:55:01,638 President? 798 00:55:03,174 --> 00:55:05,472 Vice president. 799 00:55:16,654 --> 00:55:19,851 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry. 800 00:55:19,924 --> 00:55:23,826 I mean, vice president. But at any rate, 801 00:55:23,895 --> 00:55:27,797 Steven Post is television's man of the year! 802 00:55:52,156 --> 00:55:54,454 And now the key. 803 00:56:02,300 --> 00:56:03,824 Congratulations, Crampton. 804 00:56:03,902 --> 00:56:06,700 Thank you. Thank you. -You have a fine young man. 805 00:56:06,771 --> 00:56:08,830 Thank you, Clifford. We're proud of him. 806 00:56:08,907 --> 00:56:12,570 You should be. Your sponsors seem to like him. Gave him a nice little car. 807 00:56:12,644 --> 00:56:15,044 Yes, he's a man who's going right to the top. 808 00:56:15,113 --> 00:56:17,741 The very top, indeed. 809 00:56:17,815 --> 00:56:19,407 Francis. 810 00:56:21,085 --> 00:56:22,985 Excuse us, girls. 811 00:56:24,622 --> 00:56:27,989 We gotta do something about that boy. We've built a Frankenstein. 812 00:56:28,059 --> 00:56:31,517 We have. He's already got my job. -But now it's getting serious. 813 00:56:31,596 --> 00:56:34,190 Now it's getting serious? -How does the boy do it? 814 00:56:34,265 --> 00:56:35,289 I don't know how. 815 00:56:35,366 --> 00:56:37,960 I just know he's not smart enough to do it on his own. 816 00:56:38,036 --> 00:56:40,436 What have you done about it? -What should I do? 817 00:56:40,505 --> 00:56:43,633 I'm in cultural relations. -The basics, man. The basics. 818 00:56:43,708 --> 00:56:46,438 Have you searched his office, grilled his secretary, 819 00:56:46,511 --> 00:56:48,342 tapped his phone, had him followed? 820 00:56:48,413 --> 00:56:51,280 No. Wouldn't that be unethical? 821 00:56:51,349 --> 00:56:53,442 Unethical? Get with it, Wilbanks. 822 00:56:53,518 --> 00:56:56,510 It's a desperate situation. It requires desperate means. 823 00:56:56,588 --> 00:56:58,818 Find out how that boy is doing it! 824 00:57:56,214 --> 00:57:58,876 Hasta la vista, Senor Post. 825 00:58:01,319 --> 00:58:02,547 Hasta, hasta. 826 00:58:33,418 --> 00:58:35,249 Hello in there. 827 00:58:39,424 --> 00:58:41,654 Can you hear me? 828 00:58:43,628 --> 00:58:44,993 Are you a prisoner? 829 00:58:47,665 --> 00:58:51,226 Knock twice if you can hear me. 830 00:58:53,137 --> 00:58:56,629 Thank heaven. 831 00:58:57,608 --> 00:59:01,203 I'm a friend. 832 00:59:01,279 --> 00:59:04,043 I beg your pardon? 833 00:59:04,115 --> 00:59:07,710 He sounds gagged! That dirty, ruthless... 834 00:59:11,956 --> 00:59:13,821 Hey, I'm back! 835 00:59:15,827 --> 00:59:17,488 Oh! 836 00:59:22,500 --> 00:59:25,867 Okay, okay! 837 00:59:27,972 --> 00:59:30,463 Okay! Don't go wild! 838 00:59:34,812 --> 00:59:35,972 Hey, take it easy. 839 00:59:41,853 --> 00:59:43,514 Wait a minute. Not the ballet. 840 00:59:43,588 --> 00:59:46,250 That'll wreck your taste for sure. 841 00:59:46,324 --> 00:59:49,122 You're supposed to pick the top-rated shows. 842 00:59:49,193 --> 00:59:52,060 You got that finger of yours on the heartbeat of America. 843 00:59:52,130 --> 00:59:53,757 Don't louse it up! 844 00:59:55,933 --> 00:59:59,334 I'll put on some coffee, then we'll take a look at those new pilots. 845 01:00:00,972 --> 01:00:03,668 You want some pizza tonight? I got two kinds. 846 01:00:03,741 --> 01:00:06,471 Plain and with pepperoni. You want the pepperoni? 847 01:00:06,544 --> 01:00:09,980 Okay, you get the plain one. 848 01:00:27,532 --> 01:00:29,693 Okay, it's ready! 849 01:00:57,028 --> 01:00:59,428 All right. Showtime. 850 01:01:08,306 --> 01:01:12,208 Now, one of these days, I'm gonna show you how to thread this thing. 851 01:01:12,276 --> 01:01:14,710 I keep forgetting that. 852 01:01:17,315 --> 01:01:20,978 It'd sure be great if you could pick another Devil Dan. 853 01:01:56,153 --> 01:01:58,781 Who was in the room? That's what I wanna know. 854 01:01:58,856 --> 01:02:00,653 Well, first of all, 855 01:02:00,725 --> 01:02:03,717 there were three television sets in front of three chairs. 856 01:02:03,794 --> 01:02:07,753 Three sets? -Yeah, and a projector and a screen. 857 01:02:07,832 --> 01:02:10,824 Then there was this tree with a whole bunch of bananas on it. 858 01:02:10,902 --> 01:02:12,870 Bananas? Ba... That could be it. 859 01:02:12,937 --> 01:02:16,304 Bananas could be brain food. -Oh, yeah. They are. 860 01:02:16,374 --> 01:02:18,865 Jen, get me Dr. Schmidt in Research on the phone. 861 01:02:18,943 --> 01:02:21,377 I'm sure he's gone home. -I know he's gone home. 862 01:02:21,445 --> 01:02:23,572 Get him on the phone. He's probably got... 863 01:02:23,648 --> 01:02:25,616 What is it, Roger? -It's not bananas. 864 01:02:25,683 --> 01:02:28,174 It's that phantom roommate he keeps locked up. 865 01:02:28,252 --> 01:02:30,914 I looked everywhere, but I couldn't see him. 866 01:02:30,988 --> 01:02:33,115 They were talking, but I couldn't see him. 867 01:02:33,190 --> 01:02:36,387 Well, let's get down to basics. Tell me what you did see, 868 01:02:36,460 --> 01:02:39,258 and don't tell me about the thing around your leg again. 869 01:02:39,330 --> 01:02:41,525 It was weird. 870 01:02:41,599 --> 01:02:44,397 Whoever it was was wearing a little red cap 871 01:02:44,468 --> 01:02:46,026 with a blue bon-bon on the top. 872 01:02:46,103 --> 01:02:49,869 It was just gliding along. -Hello? Hello? 873 01:02:49,941 --> 01:02:52,808 There were empty banana skins everywhere. 874 01:02:52,877 --> 01:02:57,610 And then, this hairy arm grabbed me right in the closet. 875 01:02:57,682 --> 01:03:01,277 It was hideous. There was no head, no body, no feet. 876 01:03:01,352 --> 01:03:03,843 Hello? -Just a hairy arm. 877 01:03:03,921 --> 01:03:06,788 Jen, what are you doing? 878 01:03:06,857 --> 01:03:10,088 Excuse me. -Dr. Schmidt, Francis Wilbanks. 879 01:03:10,161 --> 01:03:13,858 Uh, tell me, doctor, are bananas brain food? 880 01:03:13,931 --> 01:03:18,334 Bananas? Brain food? Well, I couldn't say for sure, 881 01:03:18,402 --> 01:03:22,429 but I do recall a certain tribe in New Guinea who subscribed to the theory 882 01:03:22,506 --> 01:03:24,770 that bananas were indeed, a brain food. 883 01:03:33,017 --> 01:03:35,281 Oh, hi, Jen. -Hello, Vasco da Gama. 884 01:03:35,353 --> 01:03:36,684 What? -Oh, you know. 885 01:03:36,754 --> 01:03:39,086 He was the one who discovered the West Indies. 886 01:03:39,156 --> 01:03:43,252 He was a discoverer. Discoverers are just as important as inventors. 887 01:03:43,327 --> 01:03:46,956 Like the mad scientist who keeps his assistant locked in the basement. 888 01:03:47,031 --> 01:03:49,090 I didn't say anything about a scientist. 889 01:03:49,166 --> 01:03:51,100 I want my chimp. -What? 890 01:03:51,168 --> 01:03:53,363 I know, Steve. 891 01:03:53,437 --> 01:03:56,031 They never listened to me, Jen. 892 01:03:56,107 --> 01:03:58,234 They wouldn't have for a million years! 893 01:03:58,309 --> 01:03:59,867 Steve, open this door. 894 01:03:59,944 --> 01:04:02,139 I didn't even have a car. I had a motorcycle. 895 01:04:02,213 --> 01:04:06,513 Now I got a DeTomaso Mangusta. A brand-new DeTomaso Mangusta. 896 01:04:06,584 --> 01:04:09,417 I mean it, Steve. Now, you open that door! 897 01:04:10,921 --> 01:04:13,981 Uh... Look, Jen. 898 01:04:15,026 --> 01:04:17,085 I did it for you. 899 01:04:17,161 --> 01:04:21,962 I mean, why would you ever want to marry a mail boy? 900 01:04:22,033 --> 01:04:25,901 I kidded myself, but that's all I knew I'd ever be. 901 01:04:31,442 --> 01:04:33,637 You never said you wanted to marry me. 902 01:04:33,711 --> 01:04:35,804 Well, uh... 903 01:04:36,447 --> 01:04:38,711 That's because I was a mail boy. 904 01:04:38,783 --> 01:04:42,219 I mean, uh, I didn't even have a car. 905 01:04:42,286 --> 01:04:43,719 Just a motorcycle. 906 01:04:45,289 --> 01:04:48,690 I told you before, there's nothing the matter with a motorcycle. 907 01:04:52,596 --> 01:04:56,726 Uh, I guess he recognized your voice. 908 01:04:59,970 --> 01:05:02,803 I'm kinda glad you... you found out. I... 909 01:05:02,873 --> 01:05:05,842 I was trying to figure out a way to tell you. 910 01:05:11,782 --> 01:05:14,012 You see, Jen, it is working. 911 01:05:14,085 --> 01:05:16,553 He is happy. 912 01:05:16,620 --> 01:05:18,554 Look, we could have it all. 913 01:05:18,622 --> 01:05:21,489 I'm not hurting anybody, either. 914 01:05:21,559 --> 01:05:23,891 I guess you've been treating him pretty good. 915 01:05:25,129 --> 01:05:26,960 Why don't, um... 916 01:05:27,031 --> 01:05:29,761 Why don't we just keep it in the family? 917 01:05:29,834 --> 01:05:32,234 Okay, he can stay. 918 01:05:32,303 --> 01:05:34,737 But remember, I get visitation rights. 919 01:05:35,773 --> 01:05:37,331 Yeah. 920 01:05:39,610 --> 01:05:42,306 Hey, Steve. Hey, you're looking really sharp. 921 01:05:42,379 --> 01:05:43,971 New job. -Yeah. 922 01:05:44,048 --> 01:05:46,881 What happened to that chimp you used to bring around? 923 01:05:46,951 --> 01:05:48,418 Not so loud. Not around here. 924 01:05:48,486 --> 01:05:52,047 Yeah? I mean, he sure liked Devil Dan, didn't he? 925 01:05:52,123 --> 01:05:54,921 I mean, I've never seen anything like it. He just... 926 01:06:00,231 --> 01:06:03,098 The manager said room 1123 927 01:06:03,167 --> 01:06:05,692 is directly across from Post's apartment. 928 01:06:05,769 --> 01:06:07,964 Now we'll see. -Oh, see what? 929 01:06:08,038 --> 01:06:10,165 I can understand your skepticism, Uncle. 930 01:06:10,241 --> 01:06:12,232 This has been a gigantic puzzle, 931 01:06:12,309 --> 01:06:14,743 but I put the pieces together, and they all fit. 932 01:06:14,812 --> 01:06:16,939 Oh, fit, my foot. This is ridiculous. 933 01:06:21,152 --> 01:06:23,120 I didn't believe a mail boy could do it. 934 01:06:23,187 --> 01:06:25,178 I'm not gonna believe a chimp can do it. 935 01:06:25,256 --> 01:06:28,054 It's a wild goose chase. -You mean, wild monkey chase. 936 01:06:28,125 --> 01:06:30,184 It's not funny. 937 01:06:30,261 --> 01:06:33,890 Stop that simple laughing. -Sorry, boss. 938 01:06:40,137 --> 01:06:42,162 I don't like this. I don't like it at all. 939 01:06:42,239 --> 01:06:44,332 There must be something criminal. 940 01:06:44,408 --> 01:06:46,808 Oh, Uncle, we're not doing anything criminal. 941 01:06:46,877 --> 01:06:49,812 Then why do I feel like a peeping Tom? 942 01:06:53,551 --> 01:06:55,678 Okay. Look. 943 01:07:04,929 --> 01:07:07,625 Well, so what? It's just that mail boy sitting there 944 01:07:07,698 --> 01:07:10,064 all by himself, looking at TV. 945 01:07:11,302 --> 01:07:14,203 Look. Quick, quick! Look. 946 01:07:19,643 --> 01:07:22,407 Good heavens. 947 01:07:25,049 --> 01:07:29,315 I think we finally may be getting somewhere. 948 01:07:48,672 --> 01:07:51,232 Here! See what I mean? See what I... 949 01:07:54,278 --> 01:07:57,008 Yes, I do. He's watching Smuggler's Gold. 950 01:07:57,081 --> 01:07:58,844 That's the number one-rated show. 951 01:07:58,916 --> 01:08:02,579 That's what I've been trying to tell you. The chimp is picking the shows. 952 01:08:02,653 --> 01:08:06,783 Well, we can't really tell. He might not even know what he's looking at. 953 01:08:06,857 --> 01:08:09,348 Oh, a commercial break. 954 01:08:18,869 --> 01:08:20,962 Wilbanks, he knows! 955 01:08:21,038 --> 01:08:25,668 He really knows. He got a beer during the commercial. 956 01:08:26,644 --> 01:08:29,340 Proof positive. 957 01:08:29,413 --> 01:08:33,509 Oh, that's a sure sign if I've ever seen one. 958 01:08:35,619 --> 01:08:39,282 Wilbanks, get that chimp. 959 01:09:05,549 --> 01:09:07,608 What are we doing here? -Just follow me. 960 01:09:07,685 --> 01:09:11,678 I didn't get where I am without planning ahead. Come on. 961 01:09:18,429 --> 01:09:21,296 Hey, boss, don't ya think it'd be better if I stayed here 962 01:09:21,365 --> 01:09:24,664 and cut people off at the pass? -Cut them off at the pass? 963 01:09:24,735 --> 01:09:27,533 You don't want people bothering you out on the ledge. 964 01:09:27,604 --> 01:09:30,437 Will you stop that silly talk and come on? 965 01:09:30,507 --> 01:09:32,839 But, boss, I... I get sick when I look down. 966 01:09:32,910 --> 01:09:34,036 Well, then look up. 967 01:09:34,111 --> 01:09:36,102 I have the same problem when I look up. 968 01:09:36,180 --> 01:09:39,479 Get prepared to be sick. I can't handle that chimp by myself. 969 01:09:39,550 --> 01:09:40,539 But, boss... 970 01:10:10,881 --> 01:10:13,475 Will you stop that simple wheezing? 971 01:10:13,550 --> 01:10:16,883 I can't help it. This always happens to me at high altitudes. 972 01:10:16,954 --> 01:10:20,685 You're only 200 feet up. Let go of me. 973 01:10:20,758 --> 01:10:23,352 Ohhhhh! 974 01:10:32,569 --> 01:10:34,867 I told you to stay with me. 975 01:11:00,431 --> 01:11:02,797 A - ha! Hello, little fella. 976 01:11:02,866 --> 01:11:05,232 Let's go for a walk, huh? That's a good fella. 977 01:11:05,302 --> 01:11:07,634 That's the worst experience I ever had. 978 01:11:07,704 --> 01:11:10,332 Yeah. The door, the door. Come on. 979 01:11:12,376 --> 01:11:15,607 Boss, the door is locked. 980 01:11:15,679 --> 01:11:18,011 Uh... Well, of course it's locked. 981 01:11:18,081 --> 01:11:19,912 You don't expect him to leave it open 982 01:11:19,983 --> 01:11:23,009 with a valuable chimp like that in here, do you? 983 01:11:26,957 --> 01:11:28,982 We're not going out there again, are we? 984 01:11:29,059 --> 01:11:30,822 Why not? The chimp isn't afraid. 985 01:11:30,894 --> 01:11:33,158 He's used to swinging around in high places. 986 01:11:33,230 --> 01:11:34,754 Come on! 987 01:11:42,039 --> 01:11:44,837 Oh, no! Now you did it with that wheezing. 988 01:11:44,908 --> 01:11:47,399 You scared the chimp. -Sorry, boss. 989 01:11:47,478 --> 01:11:50,379 Sorry doesn't feed the bulldog. 990 01:11:51,081 --> 01:11:52,776 Where'd he go? 991 01:11:59,790 --> 01:12:02,486 There he is. -Where? 992 01:12:04,561 --> 01:12:06,927 Boss, help! 993 01:12:11,535 --> 01:12:14,436 Stop wheezing! 994 01:12:14,505 --> 01:12:17,303 What are you doing? Wait! Ow! 995 01:12:19,243 --> 01:12:23,111 Help! Oh! Not the tie, not the tie! 996 01:12:23,180 --> 01:12:26,479 Ah! Get the... Oh, get the... Oh! Oh. 997 01:12:33,257 --> 01:12:36,249 Oh, just watch it. Oh. 998 01:12:37,561 --> 01:12:40,121 Now, don't touch me. Just don't touch me. 999 01:12:40,197 --> 01:12:41,858 Yes, boss. 1000 01:12:43,934 --> 01:12:46,266 I can't understand what happened to your car. 1001 01:12:46,336 --> 01:12:48,429 I guess they had to gas it up or something. 1002 01:12:48,505 --> 01:12:51,030 That's okay. I'm in no hurry. -I better check. 1003 01:13:01,218 --> 01:13:03,448 How did you get down here? 1004 01:13:09,793 --> 01:13:12,023 Oh, no. 1005 01:13:12,095 --> 01:13:14,427 What do we do now? 1006 01:13:30,747 --> 01:13:32,647 Now don't panic. 1007 01:13:32,716 --> 01:13:34,809 We'll just crawl back in the kid's room. 1008 01:13:34,885 --> 01:13:38,844 He's bound to have a phone and we'll call somebody and have them get us. 1009 01:13:55,872 --> 01:13:58,864 Oh, I left that darn window open too far. 1010 01:13:58,942 --> 01:14:01,274 No more open window for you. 1011 01:14:04,748 --> 01:14:06,443 I'll see you later. 1012 01:14:14,157 --> 01:14:15,590 How'd he get back in there? 1013 01:14:15,659 --> 01:14:17,251 How would I know? 1014 01:14:17,327 --> 01:14:19,227 This is locked too. 1015 01:14:19,296 --> 01:14:21,127 What do we do? 1016 01:14:21,198 --> 01:14:22,893 Well, maybe he can unlock it. 1017 01:14:22,966 --> 01:14:24,900 He seems able to do everything else. 1018 01:14:24,968 --> 01:14:26,629 For the last time, 1019 01:14:26,703 --> 01:14:28,364 will you stop that wheezing? 1020 01:14:28,438 --> 01:14:32,670 Little fella? Turn the handle. 1021 01:14:32,743 --> 01:14:35,143 You're gonna love it. That's it. Yes. 1022 01:14:35,212 --> 01:14:38,511 There you go. Yes. Yes. 1023 01:14:40,350 --> 01:14:44,309 You're not gonna start that? -I can't help it, boss. 1024 01:14:44,388 --> 01:14:45,980 We don't have to stand up again? 1025 01:14:46,056 --> 01:14:48,422 Of course we have to stand up! Get up! Get up! 1026 01:14:48,492 --> 01:14:52,485 Maybe we can attract some attention, help get off of this thing. 1027 01:14:52,562 --> 01:14:56,123 Boss, this is awful. 1028 01:14:56,199 --> 01:14:59,066 Stop hiccupping! First you wheeze and then you hiccup! 1029 01:14:59,136 --> 01:15:01,468 I can't help it. I hiccup when I get nervous. 1030 01:15:03,073 --> 01:15:06,907 Stop it! I can't stand it! Don't you understand that? 1031 01:15:06,977 --> 01:15:10,071 Just try holding your breath. -That never works with me. 1032 01:15:10,147 --> 01:15:13,082 Maybe if you get me a glass of water. That sometimes helps. 1033 01:15:13,150 --> 01:15:15,983 All right. I'll get... How can I get you a glass of water? 1034 01:15:16,053 --> 01:15:17,782 I can't... 1035 01:15:17,854 --> 01:15:20,652 Come on! Glass of water. 1036 01:15:27,197 --> 01:15:29,631 It's an ambulance, police cars. 1037 01:15:29,700 --> 01:15:32,601 Well, you wanted to attract attention. 1038 01:15:38,141 --> 01:15:41,577 Oh, here we go again. K-7, this is 10-Sugar-Charlie. 1039 01:15:41,645 --> 01:15:43,340 Come in. 1040 01:15:43,413 --> 01:15:45,176 We're here. The report checks out. 1041 01:15:45,248 --> 01:15:48,581 We got a couple of nuts trying to commit suicide. 1042 01:15:48,652 --> 01:15:50,950 Give me that thing. 1043 01:15:51,021 --> 01:15:54,684 All right, now, just... just take it easy up there. 1044 01:15:54,758 --> 01:15:59,991 Everything's gonna be all right. Above all, don't jump. 1045 01:16:00,063 --> 01:16:02,896 He thinks we're gonna jump. 1046 01:16:02,966 --> 01:16:05,264 No, we're not going to jump! 1047 01:16:08,105 --> 01:16:12,064 Hey, boss, I'm losing my buttons. 1048 01:16:33,363 --> 01:16:34,887 We almost lost one that time. 1049 01:16:34,965 --> 01:16:37,763 This is gonna be a tough one, Vince. 1050 01:16:37,834 --> 01:16:40,894 Here, take this outta the way. Take it over to the truck. 1051 01:16:41,838 --> 01:16:44,272 Bring them in. Bring them on in. 1052 01:16:51,314 --> 01:16:54,511 Hey, the fire engines are stopping here. 1053 01:16:54,584 --> 01:16:56,108 Do you smell smoke? 1054 01:16:56,186 --> 01:16:59,246 No, I don't smell smoke. The building isn't on fire. 1055 01:16:59,322 --> 01:17:01,620 Stop the wheezing, will you? 1056 01:17:01,691 --> 01:17:06,025 Please stop! First you wheeze, then hiccup, then wheeze again! 1057 01:17:06,096 --> 01:17:08,656 You're enough to drive anybody nuts! 1058 01:17:08,732 --> 01:17:10,700 Oh, I am, am I? -Yes! 1059 01:17:10,767 --> 01:17:13,167 Well, you're my boss. 1060 01:17:13,236 --> 01:17:15,101 Maybe I shouldn't say this, 1061 01:17:15,172 --> 01:17:18,369 but you've been complaining ever since we've been up here. 1062 01:17:18,441 --> 01:17:20,705 If you don't like the way I wheeze and hiccup, 1063 01:17:20,777 --> 01:17:23,268 why don't you go find your own ledge to stand on? 1064 01:17:23,346 --> 01:17:25,541 What? 1065 01:17:32,255 --> 01:17:34,052 Maybe they're coming to rescue us. 1066 01:17:34,124 --> 01:17:37,560 They're not coming to rescue us. That's our news helicopter. 1067 01:17:37,627 --> 01:17:39,686 Our own network is taking pictures of us? 1068 01:17:39,763 --> 01:17:41,754 That's exactly what I mean. 1069 01:17:41,832 --> 01:17:45,097 We interrupt to bring you a newscast of a suicide try 1070 01:17:45,168 --> 01:17:48,296 on Wilshire Boulevard in Los �ngeles. 1071 01:17:48,371 --> 01:17:51,807 Oh, isn't it sad how many nuts are running around loose today? 1072 01:17:51,875 --> 01:17:53,740 It certainly is, sweetheart. 1073 01:17:53,810 --> 01:17:56,802 Our special UBC helicopter enables us to bring you 1074 01:17:56,880 --> 01:17:59,940 an exclusive close-up view of the pair attempting suicide. 1075 01:18:00,016 --> 01:18:02,075 These pictures, live from the scene. 1076 01:18:02,152 --> 01:18:05,087 There you are. Another first for UBC. 1077 01:18:08,825 --> 01:18:11,055 Oh, no! 1078 01:18:16,933 --> 01:18:19,800 Oh, now I've had experience of this type of thing before. 1079 01:18:19,870 --> 01:18:22,236 Anything can make them panicky and jump. 1080 01:18:22,305 --> 01:18:24,535 May I have the mike, please? 1081 01:18:24,608 --> 01:18:26,473 Now, gentlemen, remain calm. 1082 01:18:26,543 --> 01:18:28,670 No problem can't be solved. 1083 01:18:28,745 --> 01:18:31,179 Will you listen to me, gentlemen, now? I repeat: 1084 01:18:31,248 --> 01:18:33,580 There is no problem that cannot be solved. 1085 01:18:33,650 --> 01:18:35,777 What'd he say? -I don't know. 1086 01:18:35,852 --> 01:18:38,514 Sounds like some kind of a foreign language. 1087 01:18:39,623 --> 01:18:41,352 Now, it must be very cold up there. 1088 01:18:41,424 --> 01:18:43,483 Why don't you go in and get some coffee? 1089 01:18:43,560 --> 01:18:46,188 It's Father O'Leary from St. Timothy's. 1090 01:18:46,263 --> 01:18:47,594 What's he doing here? 1091 01:18:47,664 --> 01:18:50,599 He probably came over to talk us out of suicide. 1092 01:18:50,667 --> 01:18:53,329 He can talk me out of it real easy. 1093 01:18:53,403 --> 01:18:55,234 Now hang on, men. 1094 01:18:55,305 --> 01:18:58,570 Hang on for one more minute. -The life net's ready now. 1095 01:18:58,642 --> 01:19:01,110 Oh, good. Very good. Come with me, Vince. 1096 01:19:01,177 --> 01:19:04,203 Oh, I'm ruined. I'm ruined! 1097 01:19:04,281 --> 01:19:06,442 What's Crampton gonna say? 1098 01:19:06,516 --> 01:19:08,211 You lame brain. 1099 01:19:08,285 --> 01:19:11,743 You thick-skulled, pin-headed, dim-witted bumbler! 1100 01:19:15,625 --> 01:19:17,650 Hey, boss, look. A net. -Huh? 1101 01:19:19,129 --> 01:19:21,757 You don't suppose they expect us to jump? 1102 01:19:21,831 --> 01:19:25,130 No, that's probably just there for safety. 1103 01:19:25,201 --> 01:19:27,999 If Father O'Leary gets up here, 1104 01:19:28,071 --> 01:19:31,199 I'm gonna have him sneak me out the back way. 1105 01:19:31,274 --> 01:19:35,176 I helped him with his bazaar last year. 1106 01:19:35,245 --> 01:19:38,408 Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Stop right where you are. Don't move! 1107 01:19:38,481 --> 01:19:41,575 Father O'Leary! -Where? 1108 01:19:41,651 --> 01:19:44,176 I wanted to go out the back way! 1109 01:19:44,254 --> 01:19:45,551 Over that way! 1110 01:19:45,622 --> 01:19:48,250 That's it. 1111 01:19:50,327 --> 01:19:54,320 Ease it over here. 1112 01:19:57,000 --> 01:19:59,491 Why would he try to commit suicide? 1113 01:20:01,237 --> 01:20:04,764 Get the chimp! Get the chimp! It's not bananas! 1114 01:20:04,841 --> 01:20:06,570 It's not bananas, it's the chimp! 1115 01:20:06,643 --> 01:20:09,976 He picks the shows, believe me. He knows. It's the chimp. 1116 01:20:10,046 --> 01:20:13,482 Bananas don't have anything to do with it. Get the chimp. 1117 01:20:13,550 --> 01:20:18,044 It's the chimp. He's the one. Help! Help! 1118 01:20:19,022 --> 01:20:21,889 There was a chimp, 1119 01:20:21,958 --> 01:20:25,485 came down the building before they discovered those guys up there. 1120 01:20:25,562 --> 01:20:27,223 It belonged to Steven Post. 1121 01:20:27,297 --> 01:20:29,527 Steven Post? The TV wonder boy? 1122 01:20:29,599 --> 01:20:32,159 There's the other one. -This one was out with him. 1123 01:20:32,235 --> 01:20:34,032 What were you doing up there? 1124 01:20:34,104 --> 01:20:36,129 I was walking along on the tenth floor 1125 01:20:36,206 --> 01:20:38,106 and I seen this nut out on the ledge. 1126 01:20:38,174 --> 01:20:41,007 So I went out there to try to talk him out of jumping. 1127 01:20:41,077 --> 01:20:43,511 Then this window got stuck... -Wait a minute. 1128 01:20:43,580 --> 01:20:46,276 You didn't happen to see him. You work for Wilbanks. 1129 01:20:46,349 --> 01:20:49,375 Everyone knows that. Come on. -Talk him out of jumping? 1130 01:20:49,452 --> 01:20:52,080 Please, what are you talking about? 1131 01:20:52,155 --> 01:20:53,952 All right! Hold it! Hold it! 1132 01:20:54,024 --> 01:20:56,652 Look. We're gonna arrive at the truth of this thing, 1133 01:20:56,726 --> 01:20:58,921 so you might as well tell us now. 1134 01:20:58,995 --> 01:21:03,625 Well, my boss wanted me to help him get this kid's chimp. 1135 01:21:03,700 --> 01:21:07,033 The chimp belongs to Steven Post? What'd he want him for? 1136 01:21:07,103 --> 01:21:10,334 Come on! Out with it! 1137 01:21:10,407 --> 01:21:12,773 Well, it sounds kinda crazy but, 1138 01:21:12,842 --> 01:21:16,141 my boss thinks the chimp can pick the best TV shows. 1139 01:21:16,212 --> 01:21:19,670 Pretty funny, huh? 1140 01:21:38,134 --> 01:21:39,726 Excuse me! -Yeah, what? 1141 01:21:39,803 --> 01:21:42,601 This story about a chimp selecting our TV shows. 1142 01:21:42,672 --> 01:21:46,608 What about it? -Well, do you believe it? 1143 01:21:46,676 --> 01:21:50,339 Of course, I believe it. I knew it all the time. 1144 01:21:56,019 --> 01:21:57,452 Uh, madam? 1145 01:21:57,520 --> 01:22:00,921 What do you think of the rumor of a chimp selecting our TV shows? 1146 01:22:00,990 --> 01:22:04,153 A chimp picking TV shows? Ridiculous. 1147 01:22:04,227 --> 01:22:06,491 Well, you know how those rumors get started. 1148 01:22:06,563 --> 01:22:08,190 I know I... -Wait a minute! 1149 01:22:08,264 --> 01:22:12,291 Those stations have been switching and canceling my favorite shows for years. 1150 01:22:12,368 --> 01:22:14,859 Maybe a chimp is behind this mess. 1151 01:22:14,938 --> 01:22:16,030 Oh, no. -It's a plot. 1152 01:22:16,106 --> 01:22:18,165 You're all in on it. -We have nothing... 1153 01:22:18,241 --> 01:22:20,971 I am so sick and tired of liking a show 1154 01:22:21,044 --> 01:22:24,036 and having it pulled off the air or put in another time. 1155 01:22:24,114 --> 01:22:25,775 Madam... -It drives you crazy. 1156 01:22:25,849 --> 01:22:27,897 I'm getting to the point, I'd like to 1157 01:22:27,898 --> 01:22:29,945 take the TV and throw it out the window. 1158 01:22:30,019 --> 01:22:32,214 The last show I liked, they took off the air. 1159 01:22:32,288 --> 01:22:35,655 The minute I got to like it, off the air. How do I know what happened? 1160 01:22:35,725 --> 01:22:37,420 I don't know what happened to John. 1161 01:22:44,968 --> 01:22:47,801 Has the man from the Justice Department arrived yet? 1162 01:22:47,871 --> 01:22:49,532 Everybody's here, sir. -Good. 1163 01:22:49,606 --> 01:22:50,868 That's good. 1164 01:23:01,251 --> 01:23:03,947 Gentlemen, television has had problems before. 1165 01:23:04,020 --> 01:23:06,284 We can work this one out if we keep cool heads! 1166 01:23:08,291 --> 01:23:11,055 "Keep cool heads." 1167 01:23:11,127 --> 01:23:15,962 Your Wilbanks says you've got a monkey picking programs, 1168 01:23:16,032 --> 01:23:18,865 and you want us to "keep cool heads." 1169 01:23:18,935 --> 01:23:21,733 I was delirious. -Don't give us that! 1170 01:23:21,804 --> 01:23:24,568 For ten years you've been the third-rated network. 1171 01:23:24,641 --> 01:23:28,042 Suddenly, you jump to number one. Now, there has to be a reason. 1172 01:23:28,111 --> 01:23:30,238 You don't have the personnel to do that. 1173 01:23:30,313 --> 01:23:32,713 Just a minute. I've plenty of personnel. 1174 01:23:32,782 --> 01:23:34,010 I have... -Oh, shut up. 1175 01:23:34,083 --> 01:23:36,984 Mr. Crampton. We've had a tacit understanding 1176 01:23:37,053 --> 01:23:39,487 to share technological advances. 1177 01:23:39,556 --> 01:23:42,457 It seems to me that you've betrayed that understanding. 1178 01:23:42,525 --> 01:23:45,085 We have not. -Just a minute. 1179 01:23:45,161 --> 01:23:47,595 I must speak for the Justice Department. 1180 01:23:47,664 --> 01:23:51,430 We can have no understandings between networks, 1181 01:23:51,501 --> 01:23:54,334 tacit or otherwise. -Oh, come on, Harry. 1182 01:23:54,404 --> 01:23:58,067 How can the Department call a little chimpanzee a tech... 1183 01:23:58,141 --> 01:24:01,235 So there's a chimp. -Then there is a chimp? 1184 01:24:03,346 --> 01:24:06,179 Gentlemen, please. 1185 01:24:06,249 --> 01:24:08,479 Admittedly, there is a chimp. 1186 01:24:08,551 --> 01:24:10,485 And he does like TV. 1187 01:24:10,553 --> 01:24:13,351 And it seems he does prefer the top-rated shows. 1188 01:24:13,423 --> 01:24:17,189 And he does go to the refrigerator and get a beer during the commercials. 1189 01:24:17,260 --> 01:24:20,821 Gentlemen! 1190 01:24:21,664 --> 01:24:26,931 If the American people ever found out that a chimpanzee 1191 01:24:27,003 --> 01:24:32,168 was selecting programs, it would be the end of TV. 1192 01:24:32,242 --> 01:24:33,800 Gentlemen. 1193 01:24:33,876 --> 01:24:37,710 I have a simple solution to the whole problem. 1194 01:24:37,780 --> 01:24:42,649 Yes? -We must destroy the chimp. 1195 01:24:42,719 --> 01:24:45,654 Oh, no, no. I can't see it at all. 1196 01:24:46,689 --> 01:24:49,283 We can't do that. -Oh, no. We couldn't... 1197 01:24:49,359 --> 01:24:51,372 Why, we'd have those societies for the 1198 01:24:51,373 --> 01:24:53,386 prevention of things all over our backs. 1199 01:24:53,463 --> 01:24:55,795 That would be the end of our dog food accounts. 1200 01:24:55,865 --> 01:24:59,392 I think I have an idea. -I hope it's better than the bananas. 1201 01:24:59,469 --> 01:25:01,630 It's practical and humane. 1202 01:25:01,704 --> 01:25:04,798 You see, a chimp belongs in a jungle, not in a network office. 1203 01:25:04,874 --> 01:25:07,342 We know that, Dr. Schmidt. That's the problem. 1204 01:25:07,410 --> 01:25:10,607 What we do is buy the chimp, return him to the jungle. 1205 01:25:10,680 --> 01:25:13,444 He'll be happy, the networks will continue on as usual 1206 01:25:13,516 --> 01:25:16,383 and we will be rid of Steven Post once and for all! 1207 01:25:16,452 --> 01:25:18,352 Brilliant, Schmidt, brilliant. 1208 01:25:18,421 --> 01:25:20,582 Bravo! Beautiful! That's the one. 1209 01:25:20,657 --> 01:25:24,855 We certainly have the money. And every man has his price. 1210 01:25:30,833 --> 01:25:35,031 So that's what they think, huh? Every man's got his price. 1211 01:25:35,104 --> 01:25:37,971 Well, don't worry. I don't. 1212 01:25:38,875 --> 01:25:41,776 Steve, why don't we take him and blow this place? 1213 01:25:41,844 --> 01:25:43,243 Forget this whole rat race. 1214 01:25:43,313 --> 01:25:46,077 I don't want them to put him in a jungle. 1215 01:25:46,149 --> 01:25:50,916 Jen, they can't get to me. I can't be bought. 1216 01:25:52,121 --> 01:25:55,147 $500,000. 1217 01:25:56,326 --> 01:25:57,725 Right. 1218 01:25:58,928 --> 01:26:02,591 $500,000. That's a... That's a lot of money. 1219 01:26:02,665 --> 01:26:06,362 Well, of course it's a lot of money. How can you even hesitate? 1220 01:26:06,436 --> 01:26:09,462 Well, I don't know... -Your future is on the line. 1221 01:26:09,539 --> 01:26:10,836 Now you listen to this. 1222 01:26:10,907 --> 01:26:13,569 You turn us down, you'll never work again. 1223 01:26:13,643 --> 01:26:17,204 Come on. Be smart, boy. 1224 01:26:18,848 --> 01:26:21,408 I, uh... I have a problem. -A problem? 1225 01:26:21,484 --> 01:26:24,112 Yes, sir. You see, someone else is involved and I... 1226 01:26:24,187 --> 01:26:26,382 Son, no more bickering. All right. 1227 01:26:26,456 --> 01:26:29,721 This will be our final offer. Take it or leave it. 1228 01:26:29,792 --> 01:26:31,851 One million dollars. 1229 01:26:39,469 --> 01:26:41,960 One million dollars. 1230 01:27:04,293 --> 01:27:06,488 You did it. 1231 01:27:07,163 --> 01:27:10,860 You took the money. -One million dollars, Jen. 1232 01:27:12,101 --> 01:27:14,331 You know what they're going to do with him. 1233 01:27:14,937 --> 01:27:16,666 It was take it or leave it. 1234 01:27:16,739 --> 01:27:20,402 Besides, maybe a chimp does belong in the jungle. 1235 01:27:21,944 --> 01:27:24,344 Not that one. -Jen. 1236 01:27:25,248 --> 01:27:30,151 We can get married now. We've got everything. 1237 01:27:31,988 --> 01:27:34,616 I thought we did for a while. 1238 01:27:35,925 --> 01:27:37,290 Now we have nothing. 1239 01:27:40,296 --> 01:27:43,288 I don't even think I like you very much anymore. 1240 01:28:43,059 --> 01:28:47,189 Boss. What I don't understand is why do you have to go? 1241 01:28:47,263 --> 01:28:50,198 Well, it's just too important a mission 1242 01:28:50,266 --> 01:28:52,496 to trust to, uh, underlings. 1243 01:28:52,568 --> 01:28:55,128 Yeah, but all the other networks are here. 1244 01:28:55,204 --> 01:28:58,367 Oh, I get it. You don't trust each other. 1245 01:29:00,343 --> 01:29:02,641 Well, of course we trust each other. 1246 01:29:02,712 --> 01:29:05,647 Where would you get a ridiculous idea like that? 1247 01:29:05,715 --> 01:29:09,310 It's just that we're getting together to have a little, uh, outing. 1248 01:29:09,385 --> 01:29:12,047 Yes. And you're in charge while we're gone. 1249 01:29:12,121 --> 01:29:14,851 Me in charge? You're kidding? 1250 01:29:14,924 --> 01:29:17,358 We've never been more serious! 1251 01:29:17,426 --> 01:29:20,293 Well, what am I supposed to do? 1252 01:29:20,363 --> 01:29:24,060 Absolutely nothing. If anyone asks a question, you don't know the answer. 1253 01:29:24,133 --> 01:29:26,499 Anyone wants a decision, stall. 1254 01:29:26,569 --> 01:29:29,970 Don't do anything at all! Do you think you can handle that? 1255 01:29:30,039 --> 01:29:32,030 Yeah. 1256 01:29:42,251 --> 01:29:43,843 Now what? 1257 01:29:47,290 --> 01:29:50,259 Uh, Mr. Wilbanks, can I talk to you for a minute? 1258 01:29:50,326 --> 01:29:52,590 About what? -Well, uh... 1259 01:29:52,662 --> 01:29:55,290 You see, I was wondering if maybe you'd reconsider. 1260 01:29:55,364 --> 01:29:58,424 I give you the million dollars back, you give me the chimp? 1261 01:29:58,501 --> 01:30:02,562 Well, certainly not, Post. Are you crazy? A deal is a deal. 1262 01:30:02,638 --> 01:30:06,369 That's all there is to it! -Of all the nerve! 1263 01:30:42,612 --> 01:30:43,943 All set, Uncle. 1264 01:30:44,013 --> 01:30:47,972 Mertons is in charge till we get back. Help him all you can. 1265 01:30:49,285 --> 01:30:51,310 Mertons is in charge? 1266 01:30:56,859 --> 01:30:59,555 Now, open the door, Roger. 1267 01:31:24,086 --> 01:31:25,917 Gee, I'm sorry, Steve. 1268 01:31:25,988 --> 01:31:28,582 But I guess you can't have everything. 1269 01:31:29,592 --> 01:31:33,221 Boy, I'd sure do it different if I had another chance. 1270 01:31:50,046 --> 01:31:52,537 Boy, you gentlemen sure picked an isolated spot. 1271 01:31:52,615 --> 01:31:55,516 I don't think this place has ever been explored. 1272 01:31:55,584 --> 01:31:58,485 Well, uh, don't worry, about the chimp. 1273 01:31:58,554 --> 01:32:00,715 He's used to fending for himself. 1274 01:32:00,790 --> 01:32:02,690 Okay, if you'll clear this area, 1275 01:32:02,758 --> 01:32:06,524 I'm gonna open this and there's gonna be suction. I don't want to lose you. 1276 01:32:06,595 --> 01:32:08,756 Right. We'll watch it from back there. 1277 01:32:08,831 --> 01:32:12,130 Okay, uh, take it easy back there, huh, gentlemen? 1278 01:32:12,201 --> 01:32:15,398 And by all means, uh, don't touch any of those levers. 1279 01:32:15,471 --> 01:32:19,066 Don't worry about that chute. It's guaranteed to open in ten seconds. 1280 01:32:19,709 --> 01:32:21,609 Oh! Don't touch that lever. Oh. 1281 01:32:21,677 --> 01:32:24,703 That's a no-no. Ooh. Don't do that. No, no, no. 1282 01:32:24,780 --> 01:32:27,146 Are you comfortable, chief? -Just fine. 1283 01:32:27,216 --> 01:32:29,480 As soon as the chimp is out, we'll have lunch. 1284 01:32:29,552 --> 01:32:31,486 Oh, that'll be nice. -All right. 1285 01:32:31,554 --> 01:32:33,249 Here we go. Open up. 1286 01:32:33,322 --> 01:32:36,553 Out we go. Jump. Jump. 1287 01:32:36,625 --> 01:32:38,923 When you throw him out, 1288 01:32:38,994 --> 01:32:41,827 be sure you throw him far enough so he's in the pictures! 1289 01:32:41,897 --> 01:32:44,525 Here we go. Out we go. No? 1290 01:32:44,600 --> 01:32:47,296 Will you throw him out? -I don't think he wants to go. 1291 01:32:47,369 --> 01:32:50,736 I don't think he wants to go. Put your foot out. Here we go. 1292 01:32:50,806 --> 01:32:53,741 Get rid of him! -Foot up. Come on. Get out. 1293 01:33:00,583 --> 01:33:02,949 Oh, Mr. Crampton! 1294 01:33:03,018 --> 01:33:06,078 Oh, Mr. Crampton! 1295 01:33:36,585 --> 01:33:39,076 I think I can explain this, guys. 1296 01:33:39,155 --> 01:33:43,683 We were cruising up there at 2,000 feet, and the wind... 1297 01:34:03,212 --> 01:34:06,272 Hello? Oh, Steve! 1298 01:34:06,348 --> 01:34:09,215 Yeah. Yeah. I... 1299 01:34:09,285 --> 01:34:12,652 I seem to be calling for a friend of yours. 1300 01:34:12,721 --> 01:34:15,554 Say, uh, this is gonna be hard to believe 1301 01:34:15,624 --> 01:34:18,320 but you remember that chance you were talking about? 1302 01:34:18,394 --> 01:34:21,192 Well, ya got it! 1303 01:34:21,263 --> 01:34:23,390 Yeah! 1304 01:34:23,465 --> 01:34:27,196 It was that simple. I gave Mertons the million, and he gave me the chimp. 1305 01:34:27,269 --> 01:34:29,703 It must have been tough to give up all that money. 1306 01:34:29,772 --> 01:34:33,833 Mertons needed it to finance a force to find Wilbanks and the rest of them. 1307 01:34:33,909 --> 01:34:37,345 You know, when you think about it, it wasn't even my money. 1308 01:34:37,413 --> 01:34:40,473 It was yours. He's your chimp. 1309 01:34:40,549 --> 01:34:43,643 You mean, I gave up a million bucks? 1310 01:34:43,719 --> 01:34:46,119 Yep. 1311 01:34:46,188 --> 01:34:50,318 You know what, Steve? I don't even think we're gonna miss it. 1312 01:34:50,392 --> 01:34:52,189 And now an exclusive. 1313 01:34:52,261 --> 01:34:54,957 Steven Post, television's man of the year, 1314 01:34:55,030 --> 01:34:58,727 resigned his position today as vice president of UBC, 1315 01:34:58,801 --> 01:35:01,361 and took as his bride, Miss Jennifer Scott, 1316 01:35:01,437 --> 01:35:04,372 his private secretary and childhood sweetheart. 1317 01:35:04,440 --> 01:35:06,840 Their honeymoon destination is unknown, 1318 01:35:06,909 --> 01:35:09,002 but wherever they go, their many friends 1319 01:35:09,078 --> 01:35:12,377 wish this storybook couple the storybook ending: 1320 01:35:12,448 --> 01:35:15,645 That they live happily ever after. 105849