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1
00:00:12,834 --> 00:00:14,125
MORNING: My brother thought
you were great.
2
00:00:14,709 --> 00:00:16,500
I think your
brother's very nice,
3
00:00:16,500 --> 00:00:22,083
but I'm not doing
anything till I'm certain
what's happening with
4
00:00:22,083 --> 00:00:23,208
me and Sean.
5
00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:27,000
I love you,
you know that.
But I can't...
6
00:00:31,417 --> 00:00:33,000
I can't do
this anymore.
7
00:00:37,125 --> 00:00:38,959
Hi.
Jesus! Fuck!
8
00:00:39,208 --> 00:00:41,166
I was hoping
you wouldn't
come home yet.
9
00:00:41,166 --> 00:00:42,417
The cookies
aren't ready.
10
00:00:42,667 --> 00:00:46,375
"Get the fuck out
of my house, you crazy
looney-tunes freak!"
11
00:00:46,375 --> 00:00:47,875
(OVEN DINGS)
Ooh, my cookies.
12
00:01:01,333 --> 00:01:02,166
(WIND WHISTLING)
13
00:01:03,083 --> 00:01:04,333
(WIND HOWLING)
14
00:01:05,208 --> 00:01:07,166
(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)
15
00:01:31,834 --> 00:01:32,875
(GUNSHOT)
16
00:01:41,375 --> 00:01:46,083
So we just wanted to check in,
get your take on how you think
the show's going.
17
00:01:46,083 --> 00:01:47,959
Oh, phew. We were afraid
you were canceling us.
18
00:01:47,959 --> 00:01:51,291
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
God, no.
19
00:01:51,291 --> 00:01:53,250
We'd never
cancel you in person.
20
00:01:54,583 --> 00:01:55,917
That's good to know.
21
00:01:55,917 --> 00:01:58,125
So how do you think
it's going?
22
00:01:58,125 --> 00:02:01,709
Oh, come on,
you don't really care
what we think.
23
00:02:02,583 --> 00:02:05,208
You're just asking
so we can get to
what you think.
24
00:02:05,208 --> 00:02:06,792
She's feisty today.
25
00:02:06,792 --> 00:02:08,542
Today?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
26
00:02:08,792 --> 00:02:10,959
So, uh, how do you
think it's going?
27
00:02:11,417 --> 00:02:14,250
Terrific.
I think it's going
terrific.
28
00:02:14,500 --> 00:02:17,291
The scripts are strong.
The Boys are scoring great.
29
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,166
So why do I feel
like there's a big
"but" coming?
30
00:02:22,250 --> 00:02:24,417
A big butt.
Actually...
31
00:02:25,834 --> 00:02:26,834
Sorry?
32
00:02:27,125 --> 00:02:32,458
It's just...
We're feeling like maybe
Matt isn't quite as,
33
00:02:32,458 --> 00:02:35,291
uh, slender
as he used to be.
34
00:02:35,625 --> 00:02:37,125
Slender?
He's a chunk.
35
00:02:37,375 --> 00:02:38,458
Stop.
36
00:02:39,125 --> 00:02:41,709
It just seems like
in the last few episodes,
37
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:44,250
he's maybe
looking a little...
38
00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:47,542
I'm gonna
stick with "chunk."
39
00:02:47,542 --> 00:02:49,125
You know
what we're saying.
40
00:02:49,500 --> 00:02:52,041
Uh, he may have
put on a pound or two.
41
00:02:52,583 --> 00:02:53,959
Has he?
42
00:02:54,417 --> 00:02:56,041
Sean doesn't notice
these things.
I don't.
43
00:02:56,667 --> 00:03:00,667
It may just be this is
Matt's way of dealing with
his part getting cut down.
44
00:03:00,667 --> 00:03:03,500
Given that he's in
the show less, does it
even really matter?
45
00:03:03,834 --> 00:03:05,250
Well, clearly, yeah,
46
00:03:05,250 --> 00:03:07,000
'cause it's giving him
more time to eat.
47
00:03:07,667 --> 00:03:08,834
So? Who cares?
48
00:03:08,834 --> 00:03:12,166
We did this show
in the UK with a much,
much bigger man.
49
00:03:12,709 --> 00:03:14,000
It certainly works.
50
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:15,667
Look, I have no problem
with fat.
51
00:03:15,667 --> 00:03:18,208
Fat people are funny.
John Candy.
52
00:03:18,208 --> 00:03:20,375
Chris Farley.
That fat guy in
Laurel and Hardy.
53
00:03:20,375 --> 00:03:21,333
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
54
00:03:21,583 --> 00:03:25,375
It's just that
all those people
started off fat.
55
00:03:25,375 --> 00:03:28,166
Yeah. You can't
start out sexy
and then get fat.
56
00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:29,250
Not on TV.
57
00:03:29,959 --> 00:03:32,375
With your ratings
being where they are,
58
00:03:32,917 --> 00:03:34,333
it's the last thing
we need.
59
00:03:34,709 --> 00:03:37,917
Yeah, we need hot Matt.
Not fat Matt.
60
00:03:45,333 --> 00:03:51,125
Mmm. It smells amazing.
Who knew you could do this?
61
00:03:51,125 --> 00:03:53,959
(SCOFFS) I've been cooking
since I was, like, five.
62
00:03:54,375 --> 00:03:57,166
My mom worked,
so I was kind of
the chef of the house.
63
00:03:57,625 --> 00:03:59,834
You really are a man
of many talents.
64
00:03:59,834 --> 00:04:03,458
All right, open your mouth.
Oh, we're going to play
that game, are we?
65
00:04:03,458 --> 00:04:06,417
(CHUCKLES)
C'mon, open.
66
00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:13,875
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
67
00:04:14,417 --> 00:04:16,041
This is, like,
Italy good.
68
00:04:16,583 --> 00:04:17,917
(OVEN DINGS)
69
00:04:17,917 --> 00:04:20,166
And that would be?
My focaccia.
70
00:04:20,166 --> 00:04:22,875
Oh, come on.
It's easy.
71
00:04:22,875 --> 00:04:24,125
Unbelievable.
72
00:04:24,125 --> 00:04:25,917
How could your wife
leave you?
73
00:04:26,208 --> 00:04:27,375
I cheated on her.
74
00:04:27,625 --> 00:04:28,750
Ah.
75
00:04:28,750 --> 00:04:31,375
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Speaking of...
76
00:04:32,834 --> 00:04:33,917
Hey.
77
00:04:34,250 --> 00:04:37,917
Hey. Guess who
dropped by the boys'
school this afternoon.
78
00:04:38,250 --> 00:04:39,792
Uh, can we
do this later?
79
00:04:39,792 --> 00:04:41,291
No, c'mon. Guess.
80
00:04:41,834 --> 00:04:43,458
I give up. Who?
81
00:04:43,458 --> 00:04:45,583
How about
your fucking stalker!
82
00:04:46,083 --> 00:04:48,834
Oh, shit.
Uh-huh! That's right!
83
00:04:48,834 --> 00:04:51,083
Your little nut bundle
showed up at the
boys' school
84
00:04:51,083 --> 00:04:53,125
'cause she thought
you were picking 'em up
today.
85
00:04:53,125 --> 00:04:55,291
She's really got to get
her schedule straight!
86
00:04:55,583 --> 00:04:56,583
Go, you idiot!
87
00:04:57,375 --> 00:04:58,375
So what happened?
88
00:04:58,917 --> 00:05:00,583
I called the police
is what happened.
89
00:05:01,125 --> 00:05:02,166
You better do something
about her.
90
00:05:02,417 --> 00:05:03,709
What do you
want me to do?
91
00:05:03,709 --> 00:05:04,917
I got a
restraining order.
92
00:05:04,917 --> 00:05:06,875
So restrain her!
93
00:05:06,875 --> 00:05:10,625
'Cause if that fucking lunatic
comes near my kids again,
I swear to God...
94
00:05:10,625 --> 00:05:13,208
All right, okay,
I'll call my security guy.
95
00:05:13,208 --> 00:05:15,458
Yeah, 'cause he's doing
such a good job so far.
96
00:05:15,834 --> 00:05:17,250
It's green, asshole!
97
00:05:17,709 --> 00:05:19,333
(CAR HONKING)
98
00:05:30,583 --> 00:05:32,417
Hey, there.
Well, look who's back.
99
00:05:33,709 --> 00:05:37,125
Just driving
E.T. to work.
Shut up.
100
00:05:37,125 --> 00:05:38,417
Morning.
101
00:05:39,333 --> 00:05:42,583
She's afraid some
paparazzi will get a
picture of her with her...
102
00:05:43,166 --> 00:05:45,291
So she lies down
in the back.
103
00:05:45,291 --> 00:05:46,667
I like to pretend
I'm kidnapping her.
104
00:05:47,166 --> 00:05:49,625
You are a good brother.
It's on my way to work, so...
105
00:05:49,959 --> 00:05:51,333
It's not that
big a deal.
106
00:05:51,333 --> 00:05:53,917
And where is work?
Right now,
Beverly Hills.
107
00:05:53,917 --> 00:05:55,834
Oh.
I paint houses.
108
00:05:56,542 --> 00:05:58,834
Really?
Yup, really.
109
00:05:59,208 --> 00:06:01,000
It's just... Someone
not in show business,
110
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:02,250
I don't think my brain
can process that.
111
00:06:02,542 --> 00:06:04,166
Yeah, there's not
a lot of us.
112
00:06:04,458 --> 00:06:07,500
It's basically me,
two gardeners
and a plumber.
113
00:06:07,792 --> 00:06:10,208
Although
the plumber is working
on a screenplay, so...
114
00:06:10,750 --> 00:06:12,583
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, there you are.
115
00:06:12,583 --> 00:06:14,917
Oh. Uh, Sean,
this is Morning's
brother, Rob.
116
00:06:15,166 --> 00:06:17,417
Oh, hello.
I didn't know Morning
had a brother.
117
00:06:17,417 --> 00:06:19,583
Oh, she kind of
keeps me under wraps.
118
00:06:20,041 --> 00:06:22,083
You know, since I'm
aging in human years.
119
00:06:22,083 --> 00:06:24,208
Right.
I like your truck.
120
00:06:25,250 --> 00:06:27,667
Thanks.
I drove a truck
one summer.
121
00:06:28,542 --> 00:06:30,834
Loved it.
You mean that
ice cream truck?
122
00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:33,875
Still a truck.
123
00:06:33,875 --> 00:06:36,667
With popsicles.
Still a truck.
124
00:06:37,041 --> 00:06:38,709
Yeah.
Anyway,
125
00:06:39,125 --> 00:06:40,417
whenever you're ready,
Matt's in his dressing room.
126
00:06:40,417 --> 00:06:41,625
We should get this
over with.
127
00:06:41,917 --> 00:06:43,291
Oh, God...
128
00:06:43,875 --> 00:06:46,583
Well, wouldn't want
to keep you from whatever
"oh, God" is.
129
00:06:46,583 --> 00:06:48,041
You do not
want to know.
130
00:06:48,500 --> 00:06:50,250
There's always
painting houses.
131
00:06:50,250 --> 00:06:52,166
Sounding better
by the minute.
Have fun.
132
00:06:56,458 --> 00:06:59,041
He seems nice.
Mmm-hmm.
133
00:06:59,041 --> 00:07:00,709
I like his truck.
134
00:07:03,375 --> 00:07:07,083
Please understand
what we're about to tell you
is not coming from us.
135
00:07:07,083 --> 00:07:08,917
Especially me.
136
00:07:08,917 --> 00:07:10,500
From either of us.
Yeah.
137
00:07:11,333 --> 00:07:13,375
Okay.
This is
the network talking.
138
00:07:13,375 --> 00:07:14,834
We are merely
the messengers here.
139
00:07:14,834 --> 00:07:16,458
Yeah, don't shoot
the messengers.
140
00:07:19,458 --> 00:07:22,625
All right, you guys
are freaking me out.
What?
141
00:07:29,041 --> 00:07:30,125
The network feels...
142
00:07:31,750 --> 00:07:35,959
They feel...
You may have...
143
00:07:37,041 --> 00:07:38,542
Put on a little
bit of weight.
144
00:07:45,625 --> 00:07:46,625
Are you fucking
kidding me?
145
00:07:47,792 --> 00:07:48,959
We are fucking not.
146
00:07:50,917 --> 00:07:52,250
(SIGHS)
147
00:07:52,667 --> 00:07:54,834
Wow.
148
00:07:55,458 --> 00:07:59,125
Okay, first of all,
I haven't gained one pound
149
00:07:59,125 --> 00:08:00,625
since I started
this show.
150
00:08:00,625 --> 00:08:02,166
Thank you.
They're all
going on about,
151
00:08:02,166 --> 00:08:03,792
"He's gained
so much weight,"
152
00:08:03,792 --> 00:08:05,792
and, "He's such a chunk,"
and I'm like, "I'm sorry,
I just don't see it!"
153
00:08:05,792 --> 00:08:07,583
So when he says,
"Everyone's going on
about this,"
154
00:08:07,583 --> 00:08:08,458
does that include you?
155
00:08:11,375 --> 00:08:13,166
I was not the one
who said "chunk."
156
00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:16,959
I may have said
you gained a little...
157
00:08:17,208 --> 00:08:18,959
Which I haven't.
Obviously.
158
00:08:19,959 --> 00:08:23,000
I stand corrected.
But you think
I look like I have.
159
00:08:23,250 --> 00:08:25,667
I think you're
an enormously
attractive man.
160
00:08:25,667 --> 00:08:27,291
See, and I'm just
hearing the word
"enormous."
161
00:08:27,291 --> 00:08:29,208
I'm not the one who
sees the problem here!
162
00:08:29,208 --> 00:08:30,834
I think you look great.
163
00:08:30,834 --> 00:08:33,625
Hello, who's the
only one in this room
who's slept with you?
164
00:08:37,458 --> 00:08:40,000
Right, like we all
weren't thinking it.
165
00:08:40,333 --> 00:08:41,792
I wasn't.
Who would think that?
166
00:08:41,792 --> 00:08:43,041
Why would I even...
167
00:08:43,041 --> 00:08:44,041
What's that
got to do with?
168
00:08:46,875 --> 00:08:47,834
Oh...
169
00:08:48,291 --> 00:08:50,417
So then who called me
a chunk?
Wasn't me.
170
00:08:50,417 --> 00:08:51,875
Yes, we all know
it wasn't you.
171
00:08:52,125 --> 00:08:53,291
Was it that prick, Merc?
172
00:08:54,125 --> 00:08:55,625
It was that prick, Merc.
173
00:08:58,625 --> 00:09:00,125
If anything, I'd say
you'd lost weight.
174
00:09:08,250 --> 00:09:10,709
I didn't know you smoke.
Not since the '70s.
175
00:09:12,375 --> 00:09:13,542
But ever since
I went Smurf-face,
176
00:09:13,542 --> 00:09:15,750
it's been like,
"Who gives a shit.
Whatever."
177
00:09:16,208 --> 00:09:17,500
How about you?
178
00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:18,917
No. I gave up.
179
00:09:19,500 --> 00:09:20,667
Good for you.
Can I have one?
180
00:09:20,667 --> 00:09:21,750
Sure.
181
00:09:25,208 --> 00:09:27,375
So, my brother
asked about you again.
182
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,875
He called you
"fetching."
183
00:09:30,250 --> 00:09:31,709
Like a dog
with a stick?
184
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:32,875
Like he really likes you.
185
00:09:32,875 --> 00:09:34,041
Hmm.
186
00:09:35,792 --> 00:09:37,917
(SIGHS) That's very nice.
187
00:09:39,208 --> 00:09:42,333
C'mon. He's a great guy.
Let him take you to dinner.
188
00:09:47,875 --> 00:09:50,333
Well, it does appear
to be my day
189
00:09:50,333 --> 00:09:52,083
for doing things
I said I wouldn't do.
190
00:09:52,083 --> 00:09:54,917
Yay! That's great.
I'll have him call you.
191
00:10:00,375 --> 00:10:02,083
This is nice.
We should hang out more.
192
00:10:02,083 --> 00:10:03,291
Mmm...
193
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:06,792
You fellated my husband.
I what?
194
00:10:08,291 --> 00:10:11,208
Oh. Yeah, okay.
195
00:10:15,583 --> 00:10:17,333
MATT: It's such bullshit.
196
00:10:17,583 --> 00:10:19,166
Believe me,
I am with you 100%.
197
00:10:19,166 --> 00:10:20,417
Yeah, I get that.
198
00:10:20,417 --> 00:10:22,083
I'm embarrassed
for them, frankly.
199
00:10:22,083 --> 00:10:24,250
I mean, who are they
to judge you?
200
00:10:27,583 --> 00:10:28,625
What?
201
00:10:28,625 --> 00:10:29,750
Nothing.
202
00:10:33,291 --> 00:10:35,333
Eat it. Have it.
Looks nice.
203
00:10:36,291 --> 00:10:37,458
Why wouldn't you...
204
00:10:37,750 --> 00:10:39,000
It's a donut.
205
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,583
Just... Have two!
206
00:10:41,500 --> 00:10:42,583
Just a donut.
207
00:10:42,583 --> 00:10:43,667
Have it.
208
00:10:44,458 --> 00:10:46,083
What? You deserve it. You...
209
00:10:54,417 --> 00:10:54,458
Fat fuck.
210
00:11:00,333 --> 00:11:02,291
Is that jam
in your ear?
211
00:11:02,625 --> 00:11:04,959
Oh, might be.
Might very well be.
212
00:11:04,959 --> 00:11:05,917
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR:
Picture up!
213
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:15,792
Am I crazy, or are we
seeing the shadow
of his, um...
214
00:11:16,208 --> 00:11:17,291
What?
215
00:11:17,291 --> 00:11:21,834
His, um,
crotchal area.
216
00:11:24,792 --> 00:11:28,166
I don't think
that's what...
Oh, yes it is.
217
00:11:28,667 --> 00:11:29,667
Are you guys
seeing it, too?
218
00:11:30,041 --> 00:11:33,375
I didn't at first.
Now I can't look away.
219
00:11:34,417 --> 00:11:36,083
It's like trying
not to look
at an eclipse.
220
00:11:36,667 --> 00:11:38,667
But that can't be his...
221
00:11:39,166 --> 00:11:41,667
Right? I mean,
it's just too...
222
00:11:42,917 --> 00:11:47,500
Um, it's not beyond
the realm of possibility.
223
00:11:50,041 --> 00:11:51,333
Okay, Matt.
224
00:11:52,208 --> 00:11:56,834
It would be all right
if he just moves it
to the other side.
225
00:11:58,041 --> 00:11:59,375
And who's going
to tell him that?
226
00:11:59,917 --> 00:12:01,917
Don't look at me.
He'll probably
throw it at me.
227
00:12:03,917 --> 00:12:06,041
No, no, no.
228
00:12:06,709 --> 00:12:09,166
I've had too many
hideous tasks for one day.
229
00:12:12,709 --> 00:12:17,000
You're the director.
Direct it.
230
00:12:20,166 --> 00:12:21,375
Here goes.
231
00:12:27,208 --> 00:12:28,208
DIRECTOR: Hey.
232
00:12:28,542 --> 00:12:30,208
Could I just...
Sure.
233
00:12:31,583 --> 00:12:32,875
What's up?
Hey, um...
234
00:12:34,250 --> 00:12:35,875
I was just noticing
on the monitor.
235
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:38,417
Your pants.
236
00:12:39,083 --> 00:12:40,750
(INAUDIBLE)
237
00:13:38,166 --> 00:13:39,583
Where are you?
238
00:13:40,959 --> 00:13:41,959
I'm here.
239
00:13:42,583 --> 00:13:45,959
Hmm, not really.
What's wrong?
240
00:13:47,875 --> 00:13:49,125
Nothing.
241
00:13:49,792 --> 00:13:52,417
For a good actor,
you're a terrible liar.
242
00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:54,709
You think
I'm a good actor?
243
00:13:55,291 --> 00:13:57,875
(LAUGHS)
Did you even hear the rest
of that sentence?
244
00:13:57,875 --> 00:14:00,375
Yeah.
For a good actor...
245
00:14:02,250 --> 00:14:03,792
Something.
(CHUCKLES)
246
00:14:08,166 --> 00:14:09,333
Come on.
247
00:14:11,208 --> 00:14:13,125
It's your
fucking husband.
248
00:14:13,125 --> 00:14:14,208
What?
249
00:14:14,208 --> 00:14:17,291
He... He thinks I'm fat.
250
00:14:18,458 --> 00:14:19,667
You're kidding.
251
00:14:19,667 --> 00:14:23,834
Nope, he said
I'm a chunk.
That's insane.
252
00:14:24,250 --> 00:14:27,625
Talk about
a really big pot
calling the kettle...
253
00:14:27,625 --> 00:14:30,166
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm a kettle?
254
00:14:30,542 --> 00:14:33,625
No! You're so
not a kettle.
255
00:14:33,625 --> 00:14:35,125
Don't do that.
256
00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:38,000
You look amazing.
257
00:14:39,625 --> 00:14:41,875
Uh, I don't know
how to tell you this,
258
00:14:41,875 --> 00:14:44,500
but...
Yeah, yeah.
I have hands.
259
00:14:45,208 --> 00:14:46,375
I can feel.
260
00:14:46,875 --> 00:14:49,375
You feel like
you look amazing.
261
00:14:51,750 --> 00:14:53,041
Yeah?
Mmm.
262
00:14:54,583 --> 00:14:58,709
Do not listen to him.
263
00:14:59,375 --> 00:15:02,083
You're perfect
just the way you are.
264
00:15:03,709 --> 00:15:05,208
(KISSING)
265
00:15:08,125 --> 00:15:09,000
Wow.
266
00:15:09,750 --> 00:15:10,917
What?
267
00:15:12,166 --> 00:15:13,333
Because I kissed
your belly?
268
00:15:14,041 --> 00:15:16,667
Oh, so it's a "belly."
Oh, my God...
269
00:15:18,083 --> 00:15:21,792
You know who has a belly?
Santa has a belly.
270
00:15:22,333 --> 00:15:23,750
Stop it.
You are not fat.
271
00:15:24,250 --> 00:15:26,959
I'm sure that's what
Mrs. Claus says.
Don't do this.
272
00:15:26,959 --> 00:15:28,250
What?
If I wanted to fight,
273
00:15:28,250 --> 00:15:29,750
I could've stayed home
with my husband.
274
00:15:29,750 --> 00:15:30,917
Who's fighting?
275
00:15:32,041 --> 00:15:34,792
Fine. But if you
want me to go,
my driver's right outside.
276
00:15:37,166 --> 00:15:38,208
No.
277
00:15:39,417 --> 00:15:40,542
No.
278
00:15:40,542 --> 00:15:43,542
Let's just talk about
something else.
279
00:15:45,041 --> 00:15:46,542
Or we don't have to talk.
280
00:15:51,834 --> 00:15:52,959
Mmm.
281
00:15:57,917 --> 00:16:00,583
They had a whole
fucking meeting
about it at the network.
282
00:16:00,583 --> 00:16:04,208
They have fucking meetings
about everything.
283
00:16:04,208 --> 00:16:07,125
They have fucking meetings
about fucking meetings.
284
00:16:07,542 --> 00:16:08,959
You've got
to stop this.
285
00:16:09,208 --> 00:16:11,417
You're gorgeous.
End of story.
286
00:16:11,417 --> 00:16:15,125
Okay, I got to go back
to you're really not
the best person to judge.
287
00:16:15,125 --> 00:16:18,250
All right, let's say
you are a chunk.
288
00:16:18,250 --> 00:16:20,917
Let's say you're
a big, fat chunk.
289
00:16:21,458 --> 00:16:22,250
So what?
290
00:16:23,250 --> 00:16:24,500
So what?
291
00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:26,625
Do you think if I
could see I wouldn't
still be here?
292
00:16:26,959 --> 00:16:29,709
No, you're right.
You married the pot.
293
00:16:29,959 --> 00:16:31,000
And you weren't
even blind yet.
294
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:32,875
You know what?
I don't like you
like this.
295
00:16:32,875 --> 00:16:34,166
Like what, fat?
296
00:16:35,291 --> 00:16:37,125
Call me when you're
ready to be a person.
297
00:16:37,709 --> 00:16:39,125
Will do!
298
00:16:39,125 --> 00:16:42,333
As soon as I can get
my fat fingers to push
the buttons on the phone!
299
00:16:42,333 --> 00:16:44,041
Ho, ho, ho!
300
00:16:46,583 --> 00:16:48,166
(PHONE VIBRATING)
301
00:16:51,125 --> 00:16:53,834
Hello?
Why did I agree
to do this?
302
00:16:54,375 --> 00:16:55,583
Hi, honey.
303
00:16:55,583 --> 00:16:56,834
A date? A date?
304
00:16:57,542 --> 00:16:59,375
I haven't been
on a date in 10 years!
305
00:16:59,375 --> 00:17:00,458
And even then,
I was shit at it.
306
00:17:00,750 --> 00:17:02,500
You'll be fine.
307
00:17:02,500 --> 00:17:03,792
You wouldn't say that
if you'd ever dated me.
308
00:17:03,792 --> 00:17:07,125
I'm serious.
I am awful at it.
309
00:17:07,750 --> 00:17:11,000
The minute it's a "date,"
I become this whole
other person.
310
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,458
I feel judged.
I judge myself.
311
00:17:13,458 --> 00:17:17,166
I sweat. A normal sentence
becomes a clusterfuck
of words...
312
00:17:17,166 --> 00:17:18,834
All right, relax.
313
00:17:19,166 --> 00:17:20,458
It's just a date.
314
00:17:20,750 --> 00:17:22,125
They're going to
give you alcohol.
315
00:17:22,125 --> 00:17:23,542
They're going to
give you food.
316
00:17:23,792 --> 00:17:26,041
In two hours,
you're done.
317
00:17:26,041 --> 00:17:28,083
It's like a flight
to Omaha.
318
00:17:28,083 --> 00:17:30,792
Only when it's over,
you're not in Omaha.
319
00:17:31,250 --> 00:17:32,417
I wish I was in Omaha.
320
00:17:32,709 --> 00:17:34,375
Stop freaking
yourself out.
321
00:17:34,375 --> 00:17:37,083
Okay? It's not like
you have to sleep
with him.
322
00:17:38,208 --> 00:17:39,959
I wasn't even thinking
about sleeping with him.
323
00:17:40,333 --> 00:17:41,375
You serious?
324
00:17:41,375 --> 00:17:43,500
Then why are you putting
yourself through this?
325
00:17:55,125 --> 00:17:56,750
So, you look
really nice.
326
00:17:57,250 --> 00:17:59,333
Oh, I don't
but thank you.
327
00:17:59,875 --> 00:18:01,000
Yes, you do.
328
00:18:01,875 --> 00:18:02,959
And you're welcome.
329
00:18:03,291 --> 00:18:05,500
Oh, well, it's new.
330
00:18:06,208 --> 00:18:08,583
In the shop it looked black.
Turns out it's swamp.
331
00:18:08,583 --> 00:18:09,792
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
332
00:18:10,417 --> 00:18:12,917
Oh, olives.
333
00:18:16,333 --> 00:18:18,000
Oh, too spicy?
334
00:18:18,792 --> 00:18:20,083
Sorry, I should have
warned you.
335
00:18:20,083 --> 00:18:23,250
No. (CLEARS THROAT)
They're delicious.
336
00:18:27,625 --> 00:18:28,458
You okay?
337
00:18:29,500 --> 00:18:32,542
I'm great. This is fun.
338
00:18:34,250 --> 00:18:37,625
So, house painting.
I'll bet you've got
some stories.
339
00:18:46,917 --> 00:18:48,625
You can spit it out.
Mmm-mmm.
340
00:18:49,709 --> 00:18:50,625
Why don't we move those?
341
00:18:51,041 --> 00:18:52,333
Mmm-hmm.
Mmm.
342
00:18:53,667 --> 00:18:54,750
Bev?
343
00:18:56,417 --> 00:18:57,792
(WHISPERS) Oh, Christ.
344
00:18:59,208 --> 00:19:00,834
How small is this world?
345
00:19:00,834 --> 00:19:02,333
Much too small.
346
00:19:03,083 --> 00:19:04,750
Andrew, Rob,
Rob, Andrew.
347
00:19:04,750 --> 00:19:08,041
Hey.
Andrew was our PA.
348
00:19:08,041 --> 00:19:09,291
Now he's a big-time
screenwriter.
349
00:19:09,291 --> 00:19:11,000
Oh.
And director.
350
00:19:11,709 --> 00:19:13,875
Yes. Right.
351
00:19:14,625 --> 00:19:18,000
Olive?
That's very kind. But no,
I don't want to fill up.
352
00:19:18,792 --> 00:19:20,333
Big dinner here.
353
00:19:21,041 --> 00:19:22,125
So where's Sean?
354
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:30,291
Uh, I don't know,
actually.
355
00:19:31,208 --> 00:19:32,166
What?
356
00:19:35,417 --> 00:19:36,208
No!
357
00:19:37,333 --> 00:19:39,291
Oh, no, oh, God,
you're kidding me.
358
00:19:39,875 --> 00:19:41,041
No, no way.
359
00:19:43,667 --> 00:19:45,083
I'm so sorry.
360
00:19:45,417 --> 00:19:47,083
It's all
really fine.
361
00:19:47,083 --> 00:19:50,333
No, it's not, if you two
can't make it what hope
is there for the rest of us?
362
00:19:52,875 --> 00:19:54,542
Anyway...
Oh, right.
363
00:19:54,542 --> 00:19:56,166
I should get
out of here.
364
00:19:56,959 --> 00:19:59,792
This is getting cold.
Got Keanu waiting
in the car.
365
00:20:03,917 --> 00:20:06,291
Nice to see you.
Again.
366
00:20:09,375 --> 00:20:10,917
Go, Andrew, go.
367
00:20:16,667 --> 00:20:17,500
No.
368
00:20:24,709 --> 00:20:26,417
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
369
00:20:28,333 --> 00:20:29,709
SEAN: Hello?
370
00:20:29,709 --> 00:20:31,291
Are you near your computer?
Why?
371
00:20:31,291 --> 00:20:32,417
Just go to your computer.
372
00:20:32,750 --> 00:20:34,166
I sent you a link.
373
00:20:35,917 --> 00:20:37,041
Am I going to hate this?
374
00:20:37,291 --> 00:20:38,417
Not as much as Matt.
375
00:20:42,041 --> 00:20:44,500
Oh, Christ.
376
00:20:45,208 --> 00:20:47,458
And plaid?
What is he thinking?
377
00:20:47,458 --> 00:20:48,917
Let's just hope
he doesn't see this.
378
00:21:36,583 --> 00:21:38,125
This hummus is wonderful.
379
00:21:39,750 --> 00:21:43,125
It's not too hummusy.
380
00:21:43,125 --> 00:21:44,458
You know how
sometimes hummus
381
00:21:44,458 --> 00:21:46,959
can just have
too much...
382
00:21:48,792 --> 00:21:49,625
Hummusness?
383
00:21:50,709 --> 00:21:53,792
Yes! But this has got
some other flavor
going on.
384
00:21:53,792 --> 00:21:55,291
Mmm. Basil.
385
00:21:56,542 --> 00:21:57,458
(IMITATING AMERICAN ACCENT)
"Basil."
386
00:21:58,166 --> 00:21:59,458
(CHUCKLES)
387
00:22:00,291 --> 00:22:02,834
"Basil, basil.
Tomato, tomato.
388
00:22:02,834 --> 00:22:05,959
"Aluminum, aluminium."
389
00:22:05,959 --> 00:22:07,208
Language is funny!
390
00:22:07,208 --> 00:22:08,208
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
391
00:22:08,208 --> 00:22:10,917
Oh, God. Sorry.
I'll shut it off.
392
00:22:10,917 --> 00:22:13,166
The phone, I mean.
Me, I can't seem to.
393
00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:15,458
SEAN: Hello?
394
00:22:15,792 --> 00:22:17,542
Not what I
meant to do...
No, it's fine.
395
00:22:17,917 --> 00:22:20,500
Let me take you off speaker.
Okay?
396
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:23,500
Wait, I'm trying...
397
00:22:24,875 --> 00:22:27,458
Never mind.
Just go to your computer.
398
00:22:28,500 --> 00:22:30,291
Um, actually,
I'm not home.
399
00:22:30,291 --> 00:22:32,458
Where are you?
At a restaurant.
400
00:22:32,458 --> 00:22:34,917
Oh, is Carol there?
Carol, you're gonna love this.
401
00:22:35,375 --> 00:22:37,166
No. I'm not with Carol.
402
00:22:37,166 --> 00:22:38,500
Can we speak later?
403
00:22:39,083 --> 00:22:40,166
Who are you with?
404
00:22:42,125 --> 00:22:47,959
(HESITATING) I, uh...
I'm actually on a...
405
00:22:50,625 --> 00:22:51,458
Date.
406
00:22:55,959 --> 00:22:57,083
(CLEARS THROAT)
407
00:22:59,375 --> 00:23:00,417
Hello?
408
00:23:02,834 --> 00:23:03,709
Right.
409
00:23:05,250 --> 00:23:06,542
We can discuss
this tomorrow.
410
00:23:08,125 --> 00:23:11,750
No need. All good.
Push on.
411
00:23:12,709 --> 00:23:13,917
Have fun.
412
00:23:22,709 --> 00:23:26,917
(INAUDIBLE)
413
00:23:27,709 --> 00:23:29,375
(MATT CONTINUES
INDISTINCTLY ON TV)
414
00:23:32,709 --> 00:23:34,583
I was on my bike
one time...
415
00:23:36,875 --> 00:23:38,542
I'd say 90, 95.
416
00:23:39,917 --> 00:23:42,959
Going down the 14,
middle of the night.
417
00:23:42,959 --> 00:23:44,583
That was pretty fun.
418
00:23:45,583 --> 00:23:47,750
A little dangerous but
it was definitely exciting.
419
00:23:48,125 --> 00:23:49,208
(INAUDIBLE)
420
00:24:04,500 --> 00:24:05,542
(SIGHS)
421
00:24:23,125 --> 00:24:24,917
(BEEPS)
422
00:24:36,125 --> 00:24:38,667
Hey. It's me.
423
00:24:41,208 --> 00:24:43,000
Call me when you get this.
424
00:24:45,583 --> 00:24:47,917
I'm sorry I've been
such a prick.
425
00:24:50,291 --> 00:24:52,166
I really need
to see you.
426
00:24:57,125 --> 00:24:58,959
(BEEPS)
427
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:05,625
Are you all right?
I'm fine.
428
00:25:06,417 --> 00:25:08,625
I assume
that was your ex?
429
00:25:10,542 --> 00:25:13,291
Not even ex.
We're, um...
(CLEARS THROAT)
430
00:25:14,667 --> 00:25:15,959
Estranged.
431
00:25:16,250 --> 00:25:20,083
And that was
definitely the estrangest
part of this so far.
432
00:25:20,792 --> 00:25:23,166
Not really.
I mean, keep in mind,
433
00:25:23,500 --> 00:25:25,375
he's been the one all along
who's been saying,
434
00:25:25,375 --> 00:25:27,166
"We're done, it's over,
move on."
435
00:25:27,166 --> 00:25:28,291
So what did he expect?
436
00:25:28,291 --> 00:25:31,250
That I'd sit in my cave
and pine,
437
00:25:31,250 --> 00:25:33,333
which, by the way,
I have done my share of.
438
00:25:33,333 --> 00:25:35,500
Not in an actual cave,
of course, but,
439
00:25:36,208 --> 00:25:38,625
at a certain point
one has to...
440
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:43,166
What?
441
00:25:44,542 --> 00:25:45,667
I've just had
a small epiphany.
442
00:25:46,041 --> 00:25:46,834
Okay.
443
00:25:49,333 --> 00:25:51,500
In the grand scope
of human existence,
444
00:25:51,500 --> 00:25:55,709
I believe I may just be
the worst date ever.
445
00:25:56,125 --> 00:25:57,166
Mmm...
446
00:25:58,542 --> 00:26:01,458
Even with the caveat
that this is my first
one of these
447
00:26:01,458 --> 00:26:03,750
in over a decade,
still, I'm a person
448
00:26:03,750 --> 00:26:05,583
who lives in the world.
I get it.
449
00:26:06,709 --> 00:26:07,750
If you want to leave
right now,
450
00:26:07,750 --> 00:26:10,000
you would so be
within your right...
Stop.
451
00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:12,625
I'm serious.
I'll just glance over
here at the olives,
452
00:26:12,625 --> 00:26:14,291
and you can slip away.
You're not stopping.
453
00:26:14,291 --> 00:26:15,542
Sorry.
454
00:26:17,834 --> 00:26:19,709
I'm really your first date
in 10 years?
455
00:26:19,709 --> 00:26:23,041
Yup. That's right.
You won that golden ticket.
456
00:26:25,417 --> 00:26:27,083
Okay. Here's what
we're going to do.
457
00:26:27,333 --> 00:26:29,000
Tonight?
Never happened.
458
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:30,667
Oh, it happened.
459
00:26:30,667 --> 00:26:34,250
No, no. You are getting
a total do-over.
460
00:26:34,750 --> 00:26:36,291
Tomorrow night,
we're gonna
try this again.
461
00:26:36,583 --> 00:26:38,750
You don't have to do that.
I know.
462
00:26:40,417 --> 00:26:41,583
You're incredibly kind.
463
00:26:41,959 --> 00:26:44,792
No.
It's an educated bet.
464
00:26:45,834 --> 00:26:47,750
I'm thinking
you might be worth it.
465
00:26:48,792 --> 00:26:51,417
Oh. I'm probably
not, but...
466
00:26:53,375 --> 00:26:54,583
Thank you.
467
00:27:04,709 --> 00:27:05,792
Is your arm
in the hummus?
468
00:27:06,041 --> 00:27:07,417
It is, yes.
469
00:27:15,625 --> 00:27:17,333
(DOORBELL RINGING)
470
00:27:25,041 --> 00:27:27,291
I came as soon as
I got your message.
471
00:27:27,291 --> 00:27:30,166
I love you so much.
I know.
472
00:27:30,667 --> 00:27:31,750
Okay.
473
00:27:36,959 --> 00:27:38,000
(SIGHS)
32885
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