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1
00:00:12,166 --> 00:00:15,458
Jamie Lapidus gave me
a hand-job during
the show last night.
2
00:00:15,458 --> 00:00:16,500
I had to tell you.
3
00:00:16,500 --> 00:00:17,667
JAMIE: I hope this is okay.
4
00:00:17,667 --> 00:00:19,917
I was just on the lot
dropping something off
at Merc's.
5
00:00:19,917 --> 00:00:21,959
(JAMIE MOANING)
6
00:00:23,959 --> 00:00:25,208
So, how did Sean
like the watch?
7
00:00:25,208 --> 00:00:27,834
I didn't wanna
put him on the spot
when I gave it to him.
8
00:00:27,834 --> 00:00:31,000
So I had a PA
put it in his car.
9
00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:32,291
(CLUCKING)
10
00:00:33,917 --> 00:00:35,208
Al the camera guy
11
00:00:35,208 --> 00:00:38,834
saw you making out
with Morning in the
parking lot last week.
12
00:00:38,834 --> 00:00:40,208
Should we talk about
what happened?
13
00:00:40,208 --> 00:00:42,250
I had fun.
Me, too.
14
00:00:43,709 --> 00:00:45,542
That's it?
Pretty much.
15
00:00:45,542 --> 00:00:46,667
See you tomorrow.
16
00:00:54,959 --> 00:00:56,583
(WIND WHISTLING)
17
00:00:59,542 --> 00:01:01,041
(WIND HOWLING)
18
00:01:03,750 --> 00:01:05,417
(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)
19
00:01:30,208 --> 00:01:31,375
(GUNSHOT)
20
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:44,875
(MUSIC PLAYING AS
CELL PHONE RINGTONE)
21
00:01:51,291 --> 00:01:52,667
I should probably
get that.
22
00:01:52,667 --> 00:01:54,750
I totally disagree.
23
00:01:55,458 --> 00:01:56,709
Sorry.
24
00:01:57,500 --> 00:01:58,583
Hello?
25
00:01:59,709 --> 00:02:02,500
No, actually,
I'm in the car.
26
00:02:02,500 --> 00:02:04,125
Why?
27
00:02:05,750 --> 00:02:08,333
Oh, my God. When?
28
00:02:09,458 --> 00:02:10,917
Does Merc know?
29
00:02:12,458 --> 00:02:16,750
Okay. Tell him
I'll meet him at home.
All right. Bye.
30
00:02:18,333 --> 00:02:21,083
That was my assistant.
Merc's father died.
31
00:02:21,792 --> 00:02:23,709
Jesus. That sucks.
32
00:02:23,709 --> 00:02:26,000
Well, he's been
in a coma for
the last month.
33
00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,458
So, I guess it's
kind of a blessing.
34
00:02:28,458 --> 00:02:31,291
Still. I'm really sorry.
35
00:02:31,291 --> 00:02:32,458
I should go.
36
00:02:32,458 --> 00:02:35,166
Like, this minute?
37
00:02:36,291 --> 00:02:39,291
Seriously? My husband's
father just died.
38
00:02:39,291 --> 00:02:45,458
No, absolutely.
But, it's not like you can
bring the old guy back.
39
00:02:45,959 --> 00:02:51,709
And isn't this really a time
to celebrate the living?
40
00:02:51,709 --> 00:02:54,375
You're making a really
plaintive face right now,
aren't you?
41
00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:55,583
I am.
42
00:02:55,583 --> 00:02:58,000
And you should see
what this guy's doing.
43
00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,000
It would break
your heart.
44
00:03:02,041 --> 00:03:03,375
(SIGHING)
45
00:03:04,125 --> 00:03:05,834
There you go.
46
00:03:05,834 --> 00:03:07,291
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
47
00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:23,291
SEAN: What's another
word for "cock"?
48
00:03:23,667 --> 00:03:24,917
BEVERLY: What's wrong
with "cock"?
49
00:03:24,917 --> 00:03:28,291
You can't say
"cock" on TV here.
50
00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:31,250
No? Hmm.
How about "prick"?
51
00:03:31,250 --> 00:03:33,250
No.
Seriously, no "prick"?
52
00:03:33,250 --> 00:03:34,375
No "prick."
53
00:03:35,834 --> 00:03:37,500
How about "dick"?
Nope.
54
00:03:38,166 --> 00:03:40,375
"Knob"?
Mmm, don't think so.
55
00:03:41,542 --> 00:03:44,041
"Meat missile"?
"Meat missile"?
56
00:03:44,041 --> 00:03:46,333
That's what the nuns
called it.
57
00:03:47,875 --> 00:03:48,917
Hey.
58
00:03:50,208 --> 00:03:53,458
What do you
call a cock?
A cock.
59
00:03:53,875 --> 00:03:56,667
Right. Anything else?
60
00:03:56,667 --> 00:03:57,709
Something we can
say on television?
61
00:03:58,166 --> 00:03:59,959
"Noodle."
"Noodle"?
62
00:03:59,959 --> 00:04:01,792
That's what I call
my boyfriend's.
63
00:04:01,792 --> 00:04:03,375
Wow. He sounds
like quite the stud.
64
00:04:03,375 --> 00:04:05,667
He's on
anti-depressants.
65
00:04:05,667 --> 00:04:07,375
Oh. Sorry.
66
00:04:08,792 --> 00:04:09,917
Is that it?
67
00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:11,667
Actually,
you came in here.
68
00:04:11,667 --> 00:04:14,458
Oh. Yeah.
The network called.
69
00:04:14,458 --> 00:04:17,000
They want to move
the table read
to tomorrow.
70
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,625
Tomorrow? Why?
71
00:04:19,083 --> 00:04:20,625
Merc Lapidus's
father died
72
00:04:20,625 --> 00:04:22,750
and they all have
to go to the
funeral today.
73
00:04:23,417 --> 00:04:26,917
Oh. That's sad.
Okay. Just let
the stage know.
74
00:04:27,250 --> 00:04:30,000
Okay. Do you want
to send something?
75
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:32,291
Like flowers
or something?
76
00:04:33,667 --> 00:04:34,917
Uh... Should we?
77
00:04:34,917 --> 00:04:37,959
I don't know. Maybe.
We could call
Carol and ask.
78
00:04:37,959 --> 00:04:39,875
Could you get us Carol?
79
00:04:39,875 --> 00:04:41,041
Huh?
80
00:04:42,250 --> 00:04:43,375
(ENUNCIATING) Carol.
81
00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:45,375
(ENUNCIATING) Okay.
82
00:04:48,792 --> 00:04:50,417
I didn't know
she had a boyfriend.
83
00:04:50,417 --> 00:04:54,250
You've met him.
The gloomy chap with
the disappointing dong.
84
00:04:54,250 --> 00:04:56,208
"Dong."
Good idea.
85
00:04:56,208 --> 00:04:58,083
WENDY: Carol Rance on two.
86
00:04:59,959 --> 00:05:00,959
BOTH: Hi, Carol!
87
00:05:00,959 --> 00:05:02,750
MAN: Hold for Carol, please.
88
00:05:03,291 --> 00:05:04,750
(BOTH SIGH)
89
00:05:05,458 --> 00:05:06,542
CAROL: Hi, guys.
90
00:05:06,542 --> 00:05:08,000
BOTH: Hi, Carol.
91
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:10,875
Hope we didn't
mess you up too much
moving the table read.
92
00:05:10,875 --> 00:05:14,458
No, that's fine. We're just
sorry about Merc's father.
93
00:05:14,458 --> 00:05:18,709
I know. Don't get old.
And if you do,
don't have a stroke.
94
00:05:19,917 --> 00:05:23,750
We were just wondering,
should we send flowers
or something?
95
00:05:23,750 --> 00:05:27,083
Flowers are always nice.
But you shouldn't feel
obligated.
96
00:05:27,750 --> 00:05:28,792
Really.
97
00:05:29,542 --> 00:05:31,125
Sorry for the chewing.
98
00:05:31,458 --> 00:05:34,083
Phil Rosenthal sent
Merc this ginormous
99
00:05:34,083 --> 00:05:37,333
condolence spread
from Zabars in New York. Oh!
100
00:05:37,333 --> 00:05:40,250
I swear, the bagels
were still warm.
101
00:05:40,250 --> 00:05:42,250
So people are
sending food?
102
00:05:42,250 --> 00:05:46,083
No, not everybody.
A few people sent platters.
103
00:05:46,083 --> 00:05:47,458
A muffin basket's
always nice.
104
00:05:47,458 --> 00:05:50,208
But honestly,
don't feel any pressure.
105
00:05:50,208 --> 00:05:51,583
Oh, my God!
106
00:05:51,583 --> 00:05:55,417
They just brought
in a turkey the
size of a Prius.
107
00:05:55,417 --> 00:05:58,667
I hate it when
people die.
I get so fat.
108
00:05:58,667 --> 00:06:00,291
(MUNCHING)
109
00:06:02,667 --> 00:06:05,458
WENDY: "What better way
to remember a friend
or loved one
110
00:06:05,458 --> 00:06:08,125
"than this thoughtful
bereavement basket,
111
00:06:08,125 --> 00:06:10,625
"overflowing with our
scrumptious mini-muffins,
112
00:06:10,625 --> 00:06:14,166
"decadent
chocolate brownies,
butter toffee pretzels
113
00:06:14,166 --> 00:06:16,417
"and snickerdoodle
cookies.
114
00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:20,375
"Wrapped in cellophane
and tied with a tasteful
black bow,
115
00:06:20,375 --> 00:06:21,917
"the entire family
will appreciate
116
00:06:21,917 --> 00:06:24,458
"your gesture of
peace and sympathy.
117
00:06:24,458 --> 00:06:27,166
"Caution, this product
may contain nuts."
118
00:06:28,542 --> 00:06:29,458
What's up?
119
00:06:29,458 --> 00:06:31,375
Trying to decide
what to send Merc.
120
00:06:31,375 --> 00:06:33,667
Smart.
Can I get in on that?
Sure.
121
00:06:33,667 --> 00:06:34,667
What are you thinking?
122
00:06:34,667 --> 00:06:36,917
Carol suggested
a muffin basket.
123
00:06:36,917 --> 00:06:37,875
She's an idiot.
124
00:06:37,875 --> 00:06:40,709
Muffins went out,
like, 10 years ago.
125
00:06:40,709 --> 00:06:42,542
Can I leave?
BEVERLY: Yeah.
126
00:06:44,834 --> 00:06:46,750
Not for the day,
though.
127
00:06:46,750 --> 00:06:47,709
Oh.
128
00:06:49,542 --> 00:06:51,208
So if not
a muffin basket...
129
00:06:51,208 --> 00:06:52,375
We should cater
a whole dinner.
130
00:06:52,375 --> 00:06:54,375
A whole dinner?
For how many?
131
00:06:54,375 --> 00:06:56,375
I dunno.
Fifty? 75?
132
00:06:56,375 --> 00:06:58,208
They'll probably
have a ton of people
back at their house.
133
00:06:58,208 --> 00:06:59,875
Doesn't that
seem excessive?
134
00:06:59,875 --> 00:07:02,500
Look, if our ratings
were great, we could
get away with sending
135
00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:04,333
a bowl of cat piss
and a bag of Doritos.
136
00:07:04,333 --> 00:07:05,583
Mmm!
137
00:07:05,583 --> 00:07:08,542
But with our numbers,
we can't be the
cheap assholes
138
00:07:08,542 --> 00:07:10,500
that sent the shitty
little muffin basket.
139
00:07:10,500 --> 00:07:13,417
So instead we're
catering a dinner
for 75 people?
140
00:07:13,417 --> 00:07:14,959
Whatever happened
to somebody dies,
141
00:07:14,959 --> 00:07:15,917
you dig a hole
and bury them?
142
00:07:15,917 --> 00:07:17,417
(SCOFFS)
143
00:07:17,417 --> 00:07:19,542
It's like dealing
with cave people.
144
00:07:23,417 --> 00:07:27,834
It's just so hard!
I should be with him today.
145
00:07:27,834 --> 00:07:29,083
His father died.
146
00:07:29,083 --> 00:07:30,417
I know.
147
00:07:30,417 --> 00:07:32,875
I should be holding him
and comforting him.
148
00:07:32,875 --> 00:07:35,333
I should be helping him
pick out a casket.
149
00:07:35,333 --> 00:07:38,834
You know I'd be
better at it than she is,
150
00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:41,000
which I realize
isn't saying a lot...
151
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:44,291
Well, uh,
you'll get to see him
at the funeral, no?
152
00:07:44,291 --> 00:07:46,625
(SIGHING)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.
153
00:07:46,625 --> 00:07:49,834
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Oh, God, I've got
to go hear a pitch.
154
00:07:49,834 --> 00:07:54,125
Some guy's got a TV movie
about his father's triumph
over autism.
155
00:07:54,125 --> 00:07:56,000
It's supposed
to be inspiring.
156
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,917
I am so not
in the mood! Bye.
157
00:08:04,333 --> 00:08:06,542
Look familiar?
Weirdly, yes.
158
00:08:07,083 --> 00:08:10,583
I gave them some pictures
of our first flat to use
as inspiration.
159
00:08:11,417 --> 00:08:13,125
Oh, my God!
160
00:08:13,125 --> 00:08:16,208
Just imagine a brick wall
out that window and the
unrelenting smell of curry.
161
00:08:16,625 --> 00:08:18,834
That, and my ex-wife
calling and hanging up.
162
00:08:18,834 --> 00:08:20,917
Ah. Good times.
163
00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:22,375
They were.
164
00:08:24,667 --> 00:08:28,208
Hey. Bad news on
the catering thing.
We're too late.
165
00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:30,000
Mark Burnett's doing
tonight from The Grill.
166
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:33,625
Tomorrow night,
Universal's sending
deli from Nate 'n Al's.
167
00:08:33,625 --> 00:08:35,750
Some asshole from
Warner Bros. took Friday.
168
00:08:35,750 --> 00:08:36,834
We're totally shut out.
169
00:08:36,834 --> 00:08:38,000
So we're back
to muffins?
170
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:38,875
We were never
on muffins.
171
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:43,500
Anyway, so I called Jamie
and asked her if she had
any ideas.
172
00:08:43,500 --> 00:08:45,208
Jamie who?
Lapidus.
173
00:08:47,542 --> 00:08:48,625
What?
174
00:08:50,333 --> 00:08:52,083
What?
That look.
175
00:08:52,083 --> 00:08:53,458
What look?
No look.
176
00:09:02,166 --> 00:09:03,250
(SIGHS)
177
00:09:10,041 --> 00:09:11,834
We've been kind of
seeing each other.
178
00:09:12,333 --> 00:09:13,917
Who?
Me and Jamie.
179
00:09:13,917 --> 00:09:16,041
Well, I've been seeing her.
She hasn't been seeing...
180
00:09:16,041 --> 00:09:17,542
Blind jokes? Really?
181
00:09:17,542 --> 00:09:18,667
Hey, she makes 'em.
182
00:09:18,667 --> 00:09:23,959
Oh, my God.
You and Jamie Lapidus?
For how long?
183
00:09:23,959 --> 00:09:26,000
Few weeks.
Started the night
of our premiere.
184
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,000
She gave me
a hand job during
the screening.
185
00:09:28,834 --> 00:09:31,667
A hand job?
During our show?
186
00:09:31,667 --> 00:09:33,834
Relax. It's not like
she was watching it.
187
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,959
I was sitting
right next to you
on the other side!
188
00:09:38,959 --> 00:09:40,625
Gotta say, her side,
much better.
189
00:09:40,625 --> 00:09:42,875
You really
are horrifying.
190
00:09:42,875 --> 00:09:45,166
And what is it with you
and other people's wives?
191
00:09:45,166 --> 00:09:48,000
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This one's been all
over me for that.
192
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,208
Well...
(ALARM BLARING)
193
00:09:52,458 --> 00:09:54,750
Anyway.
I spoke to Jamie
and she told me
194
00:09:54,750 --> 00:09:55,792
that there's
a couple charities
195
00:09:55,792 --> 00:09:57,875
they're suggesting
people make donations to.
196
00:09:57,875 --> 00:09:59,917
That's better than
the catering thing.
What charities?
197
00:09:59,917 --> 00:10:02,834
Well, one helps
homeless people
get tattoos removed.
198
00:10:02,834 --> 00:10:05,625
That's the stupidest
cause ever.
199
00:10:05,625 --> 00:10:07,208
I think it's for,
like, gang tattoos.
200
00:10:07,208 --> 00:10:09,208
Stuff that's stopping them
from getting jobs.
201
00:10:09,208 --> 00:10:10,750
(ALARM BLARING)
202
00:10:13,417 --> 00:10:14,667
SEAN: What was
the other thing?
203
00:10:14,667 --> 00:10:16,750
Uh, Canadian geese.
What about them?
204
00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:18,750
I don't know.
Ah!
205
00:10:18,750 --> 00:10:20,250
Look, it doesn't matter
what the charities are for.
206
00:10:20,250 --> 00:10:21,542
These are the ones
they picked.
207
00:10:21,542 --> 00:10:23,083
We just have to say,
"Look! Money!"
208
00:10:23,083 --> 00:10:24,458
(ALARM BLARING)
209
00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:28,125
This is, like,
the worst chase
scene ever.
210
00:10:29,125 --> 00:10:31,291
How big a donation
are we talking?
211
00:10:31,291 --> 00:10:34,125
Like $100?
No. Who are you people?
212
00:10:34,125 --> 00:10:35,750
It's got to be
at least a grand.
213
00:10:35,750 --> 00:10:38,750
What?
A thousand dollars?
For geese?
214
00:10:38,750 --> 00:10:40,792
Will they even
know how much
we're giving?
215
00:10:40,792 --> 00:10:43,208
The geese?
Merc and his family.
216
00:10:43,208 --> 00:10:45,375
I don't know.
But in case
they do know,
217
00:10:45,375 --> 00:10:47,792
we got to give a lot.
(ALARM BLARING)
218
00:10:50,834 --> 00:10:52,875
Okay, I'm just
going to check
the back.
219
00:10:52,875 --> 00:10:53,917
Sure.
220
00:10:54,792 --> 00:10:55,792
Hey, you guys.
221
00:10:56,667 --> 00:10:58,500
Do we all want
to go to this
funeral together?
222
00:10:58,500 --> 00:11:00,375
Uh, we weren't
planning on going.
223
00:11:00,375 --> 00:11:02,041
Oh, no, you have to go.
Everybody's going.
224
00:11:02,041 --> 00:11:04,125
Who's everybody?
From all the shows
on the network.
225
00:11:04,125 --> 00:11:05,333
Oh, shit. Really?
226
00:11:05,333 --> 00:11:07,417
Yeah, I've been getting texts
from friends all morning.
227
00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:09,166
Carol didn't say anything
about us having to go.
228
00:11:09,166 --> 00:11:11,417
Duh! They never say
you have to go.
229
00:11:11,417 --> 00:11:13,208
We should go.
(WHIMPERS)
230
00:11:13,208 --> 00:11:14,625
Oh, come on, it's the
right thing to do.
231
00:11:14,625 --> 00:11:16,583
You didn't
say that when my
Aunt Harriet died.
232
00:11:16,583 --> 00:11:18,625
Your Aunt Harriet
didn't run a network.
233
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:21,792
Hey. Okay,
that was my agent.
234
00:11:21,792 --> 00:11:23,500
He says I got to go
to this fucking funeral.
235
00:11:23,500 --> 00:11:24,750
Thank you!
236
00:11:24,750 --> 00:11:27,834
He also said a
charitable donation
is too impersonal.
237
00:11:27,834 --> 00:11:29,166
So now what?
238
00:11:29,166 --> 00:11:31,875
Supposedly,
Jerry Bruckheimer donated
a dialysis machine
239
00:11:31,875 --> 00:11:33,458
to Cedars in Merc's
father's name.
240
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,291
Jesus!
I know, but apparently
he's a partner
241
00:11:36,291 --> 00:11:39,375
in some dialysis company.
So he gets 'em at cost.
242
00:11:39,750 --> 00:11:41,834
Wow. David Kelly
and Michelle Pfeiffer
243
00:11:41,834 --> 00:11:43,458
are planting a tree
at the cemetery.
244
00:11:43,458 --> 00:11:44,959
Oh, those fuckers.
245
00:11:55,125 --> 00:11:56,375
Wow.
246
00:11:56,375 --> 00:11:58,500
What do you think?
You look like
you're on the news.
247
00:11:59,250 --> 00:12:00,583
Thank you.
248
00:12:00,583 --> 00:12:02,500
The rental car company
sent this over.
249
00:12:02,500 --> 00:12:04,875
It was under the seat
when you turned the car in.
250
00:12:21,041 --> 00:12:22,333
(SIGHS)
251
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:25,041
We don't have time
for extensions, do we?
No.
252
00:12:25,041 --> 00:12:26,917
No. Okay.
253
00:12:28,792 --> 00:12:30,917
Oh, my God.
Don't you love
this sofa?
254
00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:33,917
Ooh, very nice.
Shopping for a sofa?
255
00:12:33,917 --> 00:12:35,834
No, I'm just really
into catalogs.
256
00:12:35,834 --> 00:12:36,959
I could read 'em
all day.
257
00:12:36,959 --> 00:12:39,792
So you count this
as reading?
It's got words.
258
00:12:42,041 --> 00:12:43,709
Huh!
What?
259
00:12:44,667 --> 00:12:46,750
Look familiar?
The chair?
260
00:12:46,750 --> 00:12:48,208
Uh-huh.
Don't think so...
261
00:12:48,208 --> 00:12:50,583
Isn't that the one Sean
has in his bedroom?
262
00:12:50,583 --> 00:12:52,083
I totally thought
it was an antique.
263
00:12:52,083 --> 00:12:55,542
I can't help you there.
I've never actually
been in Sean's bedroom.
264
00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:57,792
Oh!
265
00:13:14,250 --> 00:13:15,250
Hey.
266
00:13:15,792 --> 00:13:17,500
Ooh, nice.
267
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:20,208
Did I give you that?
No, you did not
give me this.
268
00:13:20,208 --> 00:13:22,625
You sure?
'Cause I gave out a
bunch of 'em last year.
269
00:13:22,625 --> 00:13:24,500
It's a vintage
Breitling.
270
00:13:24,500 --> 00:13:27,667
Yeah. Well,
if you want a few
more, let me know.
271
00:13:28,125 --> 00:13:29,125
Will do.
272
00:13:29,875 --> 00:13:32,834
Oh, man.
It's gonna be weird
at this thing today,
273
00:13:32,834 --> 00:13:34,542
being with Jamie
in front of Merc.
274
00:13:34,875 --> 00:13:36,792
I would think
it'd be easier
than the last time,
275
00:13:36,792 --> 00:13:38,166
what with no orgasms.
276
00:13:39,166 --> 00:13:40,458
You've never been
with a blind girl, right?
277
00:13:40,458 --> 00:13:42,792
(CHUCKLES) No.
It's good.
278
00:13:43,667 --> 00:13:45,208
You don't have to
suck in the gut.
279
00:13:45,208 --> 00:13:46,500
There's a bonus.
280
00:13:46,500 --> 00:13:49,709
I went out with
this deaf chick once.
Smokin' hot.
281
00:13:50,417 --> 00:13:53,500
But it was a little
weird when she'd
do the dirty talk.
282
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,291
She was kind of like,
(MOCKING) "Fuck me..."
283
00:13:55,291 --> 00:13:56,834
Stop.
I'm just saying.
284
00:13:56,834 --> 00:13:57,959
She was like,
"Fuck me."
No. No.
285
00:13:57,959 --> 00:14:00,375
"Put your finger
in my ass."
(SHUSHING)
286
00:14:02,667 --> 00:14:04,500
Don't talk. Shush!
"I'm a..."
287
00:14:04,834 --> 00:14:05,959
"If you can..."
I don't care!
288
00:14:06,417 --> 00:14:09,834
Ah, look at you two.
Very nice.
289
00:14:10,667 --> 00:14:12,875
I got to say, we all
clean up pretty good.
290
00:14:13,625 --> 00:14:15,083
We should do
something fun after.
291
00:14:15,083 --> 00:14:17,000
You're assuming
the funeral
won't be fun.
292
00:14:19,750 --> 00:14:21,375
I think I got you
in trouble.
293
00:14:21,375 --> 00:14:23,166
What?
I kind of put
my foot in it.
294
00:14:23,166 --> 00:14:24,291
Hello.
295
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:35,208
MORNING: My friend Carrie
just got to the cemetery.
296
00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:38,208
She says the place
is already packed.
297
00:14:38,208 --> 00:14:40,208
Well, when we get there,
just make sure Merc sees you.
298
00:14:40,208 --> 00:14:42,875
And by the way,
it wouldn't hurt if you
could cry a little.
299
00:14:42,875 --> 00:14:44,208
Are you serious?
300
00:14:44,208 --> 00:14:47,125
I probably will cry.
Just thinking about
what it'll be like
301
00:14:47,125 --> 00:14:49,875
when my parents die.
Do you ever
think about that?
302
00:14:49,875 --> 00:14:52,125
I think about it
all the time.
How old are they?
303
00:14:52,125 --> 00:14:54,208
My mom's 91
and Dad's 93.
304
00:14:55,333 --> 00:14:57,166
How is that
even possible...
Oh, right.
305
00:14:58,375 --> 00:15:00,750
I never think
about me dying.
306
00:15:00,750 --> 00:15:02,667
Do you guys?
More so lately.
307
00:15:06,083 --> 00:15:10,041
You think if you died
the other Friends would
come to your funeral?
308
00:15:13,542 --> 00:15:15,542
Yeah. I think
they'd come.
Even Jennifer?
309
00:15:16,875 --> 00:15:19,000
Yeah. Even Jennifer.
310
00:15:19,625 --> 00:15:21,458
God, can you
imagine the press?
311
00:15:21,458 --> 00:15:23,917
All of you
together again.
Well, not you...
312
00:15:23,917 --> 00:15:26,250
Right.
'Cause I'd be dead.
313
00:15:26,250 --> 00:15:29,875
Sure. But still.
Still. I'd be dead.
314
00:15:32,375 --> 00:15:34,834
I hope I'm still
famous when I die.
315
00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:36,083
(SCOFFS)
316
00:15:36,083 --> 00:15:39,792
Kind of playing fast
and loose with the
word "famous," no?
317
00:15:43,458 --> 00:15:44,625
MATT: When I first
got out here,
318
00:15:44,625 --> 00:15:45,834
I went to Orson Welles's
funeral.
319
00:15:45,834 --> 00:15:47,709
Really? You knew
Orson Welles?
320
00:15:47,709 --> 00:15:49,250
Nah. My publicist
got me in.
321
00:15:49,792 --> 00:15:51,333
I couldn't believe
I was there.
322
00:15:51,625 --> 00:15:53,959
It was like a real
Hollywood funeral.
323
00:15:54,625 --> 00:15:56,500
Jimmy Stewart.
Bob Hope.
324
00:15:57,417 --> 00:16:00,959
Bette Davis.
The biggest fucking
coffin you ever saw.
325
00:16:00,959 --> 00:16:02,625
That guy was huge.
326
00:16:03,667 --> 00:16:05,250
Anyway, I'm standing
next to this woman,
327
00:16:05,250 --> 00:16:07,375
she's, like,
in her 50s.
328
00:16:07,375 --> 00:16:11,458
Sorta looks familiar.
No one's paying
any attention to her.
329
00:16:11,458 --> 00:16:12,875
Turns out
it's Gloria Heywood.
330
00:16:13,250 --> 00:16:14,458
Who's Gloria
Heywood?
331
00:16:14,458 --> 00:16:15,875
Exactly.
332
00:16:16,291 --> 00:16:19,625
We start talking
and she's had
this amazing life.
333
00:16:19,625 --> 00:16:23,000
Like, a big affair
with Bing Crosby.
334
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:26,333
She won an Oscar for
Best Supporting Actress
in 1950.
335
00:16:27,125 --> 00:16:29,500
Thirty-five years later,
no one even knows
who the fuck she is.
336
00:16:30,125 --> 00:16:31,458
We went out for
a drink afterward.
337
00:16:31,458 --> 00:16:33,125
Ended up back
at her apartment.
338
00:16:33,125 --> 00:16:36,959
This shitty little
two-room place
off Fountain.
339
00:16:37,792 --> 00:16:41,250
She had this ratty dog
who watched us
screwing all afternoon.
340
00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:43,125
It was my first
celebrity fuck.
341
00:16:43,625 --> 00:16:44,667
Hmm.
342
00:16:45,417 --> 00:16:46,917
I just remember
thinking,
343
00:16:46,917 --> 00:16:49,959
"Well, at least now
someone'll remember you."
344
00:16:53,333 --> 00:16:54,417
A couple of years ago,
I googled her
345
00:16:54,417 --> 00:16:56,291
to see if she
was still alive.
346
00:16:56,291 --> 00:17:00,834
Turns out someone
named Josephine Hull
won the Oscar in 1950.
347
00:17:00,834 --> 00:17:02,333
So who was
Gloria Heywood?
348
00:17:02,333 --> 00:17:04,959
Hell if I know.
Some nutjob who
gave me crabs.
349
00:17:05,917 --> 00:17:07,166
She gave you crabs?
Mmm-hmm.
350
00:17:07,166 --> 00:17:10,542
But I learned
a valuable lesson
that day.
351
00:17:12,834 --> 00:17:14,291
How to get
rid of crabs?
352
00:17:14,291 --> 00:17:17,458
Yup. It's come in handy
more than once.
353
00:17:25,500 --> 00:17:27,792
Hey, can't believe
he's gone.
354
00:17:27,792 --> 00:17:30,166
I know, it's the
end of an era.
355
00:17:32,417 --> 00:17:35,792
What are you doing?
Put those away.
If he sees you...
356
00:17:35,792 --> 00:17:38,709
I know, but I just got
a text from a friend.
357
00:17:38,709 --> 00:17:41,709
Matthew Broderick
fell out of his NBC
deal this morning.
358
00:17:41,709 --> 00:17:43,125
His people are
shopping him around.
359
00:17:43,125 --> 00:17:46,250
I don't care.
There is a time
and place.
360
00:17:46,250 --> 00:17:49,041
Matthew Broderick?
Ferris Bueller?
361
00:17:49,041 --> 00:17:51,542
The Producers?
Inspector Gadget.
362
00:17:52,625 --> 00:17:55,542
First of all, I already
know this. I have a call
in to the agent.
363
00:17:55,542 --> 00:17:58,417
More important,
today is not
about work.
364
00:17:58,417 --> 00:18:02,500
Merc's father died.
We have to be here
for him.
365
00:18:02,500 --> 00:18:06,208
I totally hear you.
Sorry.
Yeah, sorry.
366
00:18:09,917 --> 00:18:11,667
What got up her ass?
367
00:18:11,667 --> 00:18:14,709
Thanks so much
for coming, really,
means a lot.
368
00:18:22,875 --> 00:18:24,834
MORNING: Wow!
Nice turnout.
369
00:18:25,667 --> 00:18:27,792
Okay, there's Merc.
Let's do this.
370
00:18:31,208 --> 00:18:33,417
You're here.
How could we not be?
371
00:18:33,417 --> 00:18:34,542
Matty...
372
00:18:35,417 --> 00:18:38,125
My pop's gone.
I'm sorry, man.
373
00:18:38,792 --> 00:18:40,083
Still can't believe it.
374
00:18:40,083 --> 00:18:41,333
I'll bet he was
really proud of you.
375
00:18:41,333 --> 00:18:45,875
He was. And you know,
we didn't speak for,
like, 12 years.
376
00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:47,959
When was this?
Long time ago.
377
00:18:48,959 --> 00:18:50,417
I caught him
cheating on my mom.
378
00:18:50,875 --> 00:18:52,333
Wow.
379
00:18:52,333 --> 00:18:56,959
So I called the
IRS on him, told them how
he was cooking his books,
380
00:18:56,959 --> 00:18:58,834
and he was indicted.
Geez.
381
00:18:58,834 --> 00:19:00,834
Ah! Every family
has their stuff.
382
00:19:01,250 --> 00:19:02,583
And you.
383
00:19:04,583 --> 00:19:05,709
You met him,
didn't you?
384
00:19:05,709 --> 00:19:07,583
Just once.
He was a sweetie.
385
00:19:07,583 --> 00:19:08,834
Didn't he grab
your ass?
386
00:19:08,834 --> 00:19:10,792
He was so
full of life.
387
00:19:10,792 --> 00:19:13,125
Yeah. Not so much
anymore...
388
00:19:14,166 --> 00:19:15,291
Hey!
389
00:19:15,291 --> 00:19:17,041
You've got one job
and that's to keep her
390
00:19:17,041 --> 00:19:18,291
from falling in
the goddamn hole.
391
00:19:18,291 --> 00:19:19,500
What are you
doing over here?
392
00:19:19,500 --> 00:19:20,583
Sorry.
393
00:19:26,458 --> 00:19:27,458
(SIGHS)
394
00:19:28,917 --> 00:19:32,458
Anyway, I'm so glad
you're all here. It really
means the world to me.
395
00:19:33,709 --> 00:19:36,542
And you two,
all the way
from London.
396
00:19:37,333 --> 00:19:38,333
We're so sorry.
397
00:19:38,333 --> 00:19:41,000
(SIGHS) My father
loved England.
398
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:42,375
It was his
favorite country.
Really?
399
00:19:42,375 --> 00:19:45,125
He always said
it was like Europe,
but in English.
400
00:19:45,125 --> 00:19:46,625
That's actually
our slogan.
401
00:19:46,625 --> 00:19:47,834
(LAUGHING)
402
00:19:47,834 --> 00:19:49,834
You still make me laugh.
403
00:19:49,834 --> 00:19:51,458
Even on a day like today.
404
00:19:51,458 --> 00:19:52,333
Well...
405
00:19:52,875 --> 00:19:54,417
Excuse me.
406
00:19:54,834 --> 00:19:56,291
Ah! You're here.
407
00:19:57,125 --> 00:19:58,291
See you by the hole.
408
00:20:00,667 --> 00:20:03,542
I'm just going to say
a quick hello to Carol.
409
00:20:05,625 --> 00:20:07,500
So what were you
trying to say
to me before?
410
00:20:07,500 --> 00:20:10,000
I didn't know
Beverly's never been
to your apartment.
411
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,375
And this is
important why?
412
00:20:11,375 --> 00:20:13,291
I started talking to her
about this chair
that's in your bedroom.
413
00:20:13,291 --> 00:20:15,625
Okay... Oh!
414
00:20:15,625 --> 00:20:18,917
I'm really sorry.
I wasn't even thinking.
415
00:20:18,917 --> 00:20:21,041
You don't need
to apologize.
You did nothing wrong.
416
00:20:21,041 --> 00:20:22,959
Well...
No.
417
00:20:22,959 --> 00:20:25,583
You're allowed
to be there. It's not
like I was cheating.
418
00:20:25,583 --> 00:20:27,709
I guess.
Yeah, we're separated.
419
00:20:27,709 --> 00:20:29,000
I can do
whatever I want.
420
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:30,542
I am perfectly
within my rights!
421
00:20:30,792 --> 00:20:33,542
Then why do you
sound guilty?
Because I am.
422
00:20:35,041 --> 00:20:37,000
I am so sorry.
Thank you.
423
00:20:39,542 --> 00:20:41,375
Hey.
You're here.
424
00:20:42,166 --> 00:20:43,583
You holding up okay?
425
00:20:43,583 --> 00:20:46,875
It's endless.
I've probably hugged
400 people already.
426
00:20:47,208 --> 00:20:49,166
Let's make it 401?
427
00:20:49,834 --> 00:20:51,000
Sounds good to me.
428
00:20:52,500 --> 00:20:54,125
I'm so sorry
for your loss.
429
00:20:56,208 --> 00:20:58,375
I want to kiss
your neck.
Mmm.
430
00:20:59,125 --> 00:21:00,250
You feel so good.
431
00:21:01,250 --> 00:21:02,875
And now
it's too long.
432
00:21:04,750 --> 00:21:06,417
He's in a
better place.
433
00:21:07,750 --> 00:21:08,792
How are you?
434
00:21:11,667 --> 00:21:12,750
Hello, again.
435
00:21:12,750 --> 00:21:14,083
William Shatner's here!
436
00:21:14,083 --> 00:21:15,166
The real
William Shatner?
437
00:21:15,166 --> 00:21:16,875
Yes, the real
William Shatner!
438
00:21:16,875 --> 00:21:18,625
Please tell me you didn't do
your impression for him.
439
00:21:18,625 --> 00:21:21,125
I was very restrained.
But inside I was like,
440
00:21:21,125 --> 00:21:23,125
"You Klingon bastard,
you've killed my son!"
441
00:21:23,125 --> 00:21:25,667
Stop it.
Today is sad enough.
442
00:21:26,542 --> 00:21:28,583
Oh! By the way,
thank you so much
for this.
443
00:21:28,583 --> 00:21:30,417
Oh! You're welcome.
Happy birthday.
444
00:21:30,417 --> 00:21:32,417
I'm sorry I haven't
said anything,
but I just got it today.
445
00:21:32,417 --> 00:21:36,458
Ah! I was wondering
when you didn't say
anything.
446
00:21:36,458 --> 00:21:38,750
I thought maybe I got
the wrong thing, or...
447
00:21:38,750 --> 00:21:41,917
No. God, no. I love it.
Exactly right. It's perfect.
448
00:21:43,041 --> 00:21:44,208
Oh.
449
00:21:44,583 --> 00:21:46,792
What?
What time do you have?
450
00:21:46,792 --> 00:21:50,083
Quarter to. Why?
It seems to be running
20 minutes behind.
451
00:21:50,083 --> 00:21:52,375
Oh. Did I not mention
it's a piece of shit?
452
00:21:52,375 --> 00:21:54,959
Might've helped
if you'd put that
in the card.
453
00:21:54,959 --> 00:21:56,250
I'll get it fixed.
454
00:22:02,083 --> 00:22:03,750
So...
455
00:22:03,750 --> 00:22:04,834
Hmm?
456
00:22:04,834 --> 00:22:07,000
Morning was saying
something about
a conversation
457
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:08,667
she had with you.
Yup.
458
00:22:08,667 --> 00:22:11,625
Where she mentioned
to you that, uh,
459
00:22:12,291 --> 00:22:14,125
she'd been
in my apartment.
460
00:22:16,125 --> 00:22:17,500
You don't owe me
any explanation.
461
00:22:17,500 --> 00:22:19,917
I really don't.
I just said you don't.
462
00:22:19,917 --> 00:22:21,625
And I believe
she said bedroom.
463
00:22:22,083 --> 00:22:23,667
Right. Bedroom. Yeah.
464
00:22:29,542 --> 00:22:30,750
But since you
brought it up...
465
00:22:30,750 --> 00:22:31,917
Yeah?
This was when?
466
00:22:31,917 --> 00:22:33,208
Actually, it was
on my birthday.
467
00:22:33,208 --> 00:22:36,083
So you weren't alone
on your birthday.
Good. Good.
468
00:22:36,083 --> 00:22:37,125
Mmm.
469
00:22:40,500 --> 00:22:42,291
For what it's worth,
I was only with her
the one time.
470
00:22:42,291 --> 00:22:43,333
Mmm.
471
00:22:45,542 --> 00:22:49,208
So you were actually
with her, with her.
472
00:22:49,208 --> 00:22:51,750
I mean, I assumed but...
I was...
473
00:22:51,750 --> 00:22:53,667
With her.
I was with her.
474
00:22:53,667 --> 00:22:56,500
I was with her.
With her, I was.
I can't stop.
475
00:22:56,500 --> 00:22:57,500
Try.
476
00:23:04,917 --> 00:23:06,041
So, just to clarify...
477
00:23:06,041 --> 00:23:08,125
Yeah. Go.
You're saying this
wasn't something
478
00:23:08,125 --> 00:23:09,291
that was going on
back when...
Right.
479
00:23:09,291 --> 00:23:11,417
Back when I thought there
might be something going on...
480
00:23:11,417 --> 00:23:12,625
No.
481
00:23:13,291 --> 00:23:14,458
'Cause I was
suddenly thinking,
482
00:23:14,458 --> 00:23:17,875
"Hmm, maybe
I wasn't so crazy."
483
00:23:17,875 --> 00:23:19,792
No, you were.
Oh, good.
484
00:23:20,250 --> 00:23:21,792
So I have obviously
no reason to feel guilty.
485
00:23:21,792 --> 00:23:22,792
Absolutely none.
486
00:23:23,375 --> 00:23:24,709
I mean,
after what happened
with you and...
487
00:23:24,709 --> 00:23:27,125
Yes. I totally agree.
488
00:23:27,125 --> 00:23:28,542
And it's not like
we're even together.
No.
489
00:23:28,542 --> 00:23:32,917
We're not together.
We are... Not.
490
00:23:38,625 --> 00:23:41,542
If everyone is ready,
it's time to begin.
491
00:23:49,583 --> 00:23:50,750
(SOBBING)
492
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:54,375
(SNIFFLING)
493
00:23:55,917 --> 00:23:57,291
What's wrong?
494
00:23:59,125 --> 00:24:00,417
It's silly.
495
00:24:02,917 --> 00:24:04,083
Tell me.
496
00:24:13,083 --> 00:24:14,792
I just always
assumed that
497
00:24:16,875 --> 00:24:19,208
when I died
you'd be there.
498
00:24:21,250 --> 00:24:23,834
Or if you died,
I'd be there.
499
00:24:25,542 --> 00:24:30,291
Now I'm thinking...
Who knows? Maybe not.
500
00:24:40,250 --> 00:24:42,250
I told you
it was silly.
501
00:24:58,750 --> 00:25:01,250
It's okay.
He had a full life.
502
00:25:19,750 --> 00:25:21,625
There is an
old Hebrew proverb,
503
00:25:22,834 --> 00:25:24,625
"Say not in grief
he is no more,
504
00:25:26,208 --> 00:25:28,959
"but live in
thankfulness
that he was."
505
00:25:30,458 --> 00:25:32,417
I know everyone
here today
506
00:25:32,417 --> 00:25:35,458
is thankful
that Leo Lapidus
touched our lives.
507
00:25:36,333 --> 00:25:37,417
For 49 years,
508
00:25:37,417 --> 00:25:39,875
he was a devoted
husband to our Selma.
509
00:25:39,875 --> 00:25:43,625
He was a loving father
to Mindy and to Merc.
510
00:25:43,625 --> 00:25:47,166
And he adored
his grandchildren
Sam, Tess,
511
00:25:47,166 --> 00:25:48,709
Emma, Brett and Rose.
512
00:25:48,709 --> 00:25:53,208
But he'd trade you
all in a heartbeat
for an eight handicap.
513
00:25:53,208 --> 00:25:55,208
(ALL LAUGHING)
514
00:25:55,208 --> 00:25:59,000
It's okay, it's all right
to laugh, Leo wanted
to leave us laughing.
515
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:02,166
May his memory
endure among us
as a blessing.
516
00:26:04,291 --> 00:26:06,333
(RABBI SINGING IN HEBREW)
517
00:26:10,041 --> 00:26:12,583
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
518
00:26:13,542 --> 00:26:15,000
(INDISTINCT MURMURING)
519
00:26:21,041 --> 00:26:23,834
I'm so sorry.
I thought it was
turned off.
520
00:26:24,542 --> 00:26:26,709
Who was it?
Everyone is here.
521
00:26:27,333 --> 00:26:28,875
Matthew Broderick's agent.
522
00:26:29,750 --> 00:26:31,208
That fucker
didn't come?
523
00:26:31,917 --> 00:26:33,625
I'll tell you later.
524
00:26:33,625 --> 00:26:35,417
What?
Tell me now.
525
00:26:36,250 --> 00:26:37,917
Broderick's available.
526
00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:40,125
Seriously?
527
00:26:40,417 --> 00:26:42,792
NBC couldn't
close the deal.
528
00:26:44,333 --> 00:26:45,542
Get him back.
529
00:26:47,667 --> 00:26:48,709
Now?
530
00:26:57,333 --> 00:26:59,083
Hold for Merc Lapidus.
531
00:27:04,417 --> 00:27:06,208
Sorry,
this is important.
532
00:27:10,458 --> 00:27:12,625
Yeah, Merc. Right.
533
00:27:19,792 --> 00:27:21,083
(INAUDIBLE)
534
00:27:36,959 --> 00:27:38,667
(CONTINUES SINGING)
38874
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