All language subtitles for Episodes.S01E01.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DD5.1.x264-NTb_track3_[eng]

[Typewriter clicking]

[Ding]

[Gunshot]

[Typewriter clicking]

[Ding]

What are you doing?

Bev, what are you doing?

Stop.
No.

Please.
No!

I'm going home.
You stay.

You're obviously
flourishing here.

Is this because
I went surfing today?

OK, obviously it's not
because I went surfing.

Bev, come on, talk to me.

Bev. Bev!

Look, I realize L.A.
hasn't exactly been
your favorite--

This isn't about L.A.

COMPUTERIZED VOICE:
Front door ajar.

Wait. Is it
about the show?

It's one more day of shooting,
a week in post.

Move.

COMPUTERIZED VOICE:
Front door ajar.

One week. Then the work
will be done,

and we can both
leave together, with
our heads held high.

Heads held high?

Have you not seen
our heads?

It's all we can do
to not kick them
when we walk.

All right, look, we've
made some compromises--

This isn't about
the fucking show.

COMPUTERIZED VOICE:
Front door ajar.

Well, then what is it about?

COMPUTERIZED VOICE:
Front door ajar.

Does this bitch
ever shut up?!

You know what
this is about.

What?

Morning? Oh, my God!
Look, I'm telling you,

I have no interest
in her at all.

I saw you wanking to her
the other night.

What? I--No, I--
How did--

How did? Who did?
I--I--

COMPUTERIZED VOICE:
Front door ajar...

[Machinery droning]
All right!

There may have been
a little wanking!

But there is
nothing between us.

I just saw you with her.
What?!

I saw you with her
just now!

I saw you hugging her
in front of our house!

She wasn't here! She--

There was--She wasn't--

Ernesto!

Ernesto!
What?

Please turn that off!

[Turns off]

I'm sorry.
Did you want me?

I want you to turn off
the leaf blower.

I did.
Yeah.

Now. But before--

Hey, Bev!

No! No! Wait!

Bev, stop!

You're on the wrong side!

No, Sean--
you're on the wrong side!

That's not what I meant!

[Dialing]

COMPUTERIZED VOICE:
Automated dialing.

Call Bob.
Command.

Call Bob.

Dialing Mom.

No, not Mom. Bob.

[Dialing]
Cancel.

[Ringing]
Cancel.

Stop!
WOMAN: Hello?

Hey, Ma. It's Matt.

Nothing. Just calling
to say hi.

[Tires screeching]

MAN: And the BAFTA Award
goes to...

Sean and Beverly Lincoln
for Lyman's Boys!

[Applause]

MAN: There you are!

Oh, you bloody bastards.
You've done it again.

[Laughs] And again!

Stop doing it!

We're so sorry

We promise, never again.

Yeah, you fuckers.
That's what you said
last year.

[Chuckles] No, no.
Honestly, I'm--

I'm, you know,
really pleased for you.

BEVERLY: That's sweet.
Thank you.

Oh, he's so
not pleased.

[Laughs]
No, he's not.

Well, I'm happy
for us.

I'm just...happy.

[Laughs]

How soon can we leave?
Don't know.

Have we made enough people
feel bad about themselves?

[Laughs]
Oh, my God.

What? Who's that?

That's Merc Lapidus.
Who?

Merc Lapidus.

Repeating it
doesn't help me.

From America.
He's president of--

Winners! Ha ha!

Forgive me. Don't want
to interrupt.

Merc Lapidus.
I am the president--

Please. We know
who you are.

Hi, Sean and Beverly--

Ahh!

Ha ha ha!

And you, with
the funny speech.

Oh, that's not necess--

Oh, all right.
Ha ha!

You know what
my fantasy is?

I'm gonna guess.
Either shoes or nuns.

[Laughs]

My fantasy is,
I wake up tomorrow,

and I've got your show
on my network.

Well, that's
very flattering.

No, no, I'm not just
blowing smoke here.

I love your show.

I love it.
Seriously...

I want to have sex
with your show.

[Laughs] Well.

I'm telling you--
an American version

would be huge.

It could be, like,
The Office meets...

Our show?
Yes! Ha ha!

But--But we'd have
to do it right.

No farming this one
out to some shitty
American writers.

I want what's in these
amazing Britishy heads!

What, us, come to L.A.?

That's interesting.
Is it?

Uh-oh. She's giving you
the wife look.

[Laughs] Whoa! Now she's
giving me the wife look!

Oh, hello.

Have you guys
tried these?

Ohh. What are these
little berries?

They're genius!
They're, like...
magic berries.

They're actually
loganberries.

[British accent]
Loganberries!

Now I want
to have sex

with your show
and these berries.

When I was a little girl,
my grandmother
lived in Yorkshire

and had loganberries
in her garden.

Every summer we'd
pick the berries

and she'd make jam.
Fuck.

My grandmother lives in
Morristown, New Jersey,

and hates
black people.

So, what do
you say?

Come play
with us, hmm?

I need
Lyman's Boys.

We've got four places
on my schedule

I could put it
right now.

This is
very flattering.

And we've all had
a bit to drink.

No, not me.
Not in seven years.

I'm an alcoholic.

But evidently
not anonymous.

[Both chuckle]

Come on.

We'll get you
a house, a car.

Name it. How hard
could it be?

You've already
written the scripts.

It's perfect
the way it is.

You work
20 minutes a day,

the rest of the time,

you could screw
in the pool.

Oh, you hear that?
We'd get a pool.

Look, if you don't
want to do it,
that's fine.

Hey, maybe you
don't like money.

But I had to ask.

When I had cancer--

That's right.

I realized two things.

If you want something,
go for it.

God doesn't wait for you.

And also...

you do not want cancer.

You're already there,
aren't you?
No.

Yes, you are.
You're having brunch
with Angelina Jolie.

My God, you're already
starting to tan.

[Laughs]

Aren't you?
No.

BEVERLY: Thank you.

Good night.

Ooh!

Jesus.

"Come taste our berries.

Your biggest fan,
Merc Lapidus."

How did he do this?
We left him less than
an hour ago.

I can't believe
he even remembered

that stupid
loganberry story.

I can't believe
he knows where we live.

You really want
to move to L.A.?

You're always taking
the piss out of it.

Only because it's
never wanted me.

I'm very petty
that way.

But why do it?
Our lives are here,

our friends are here.

Who would you miss?

[Thunder]

We need better friends.

What I'm saying is,
if we do this,

and we're a hit--
a hit show in the States--

a big, stonking hit--

it's like winning
the lottery.

We'd never have
to work again.

What would we do
instead?

All right,
we need friends,
and we need hobbies.

I don't know.

L.A.--
it's just so...

L.A.

Oh, come on,
it's an adventure.

I'd have to drive!

[Laughs] There's that
pioneer spirit!

You really want this?

I think I do.

Hooray!

Wait, wait, wait.
I get to do the bra, too.

[Laughs]

You're still 14, aren't you?

I wish I got
to do this at 14.

[She laughs]

Wait, did you
weld this?

[Beverly laughing]

Now, you have
to admit...

BEVERLY: It is fairly glorious.

Feel that sunshine!

Of course--

Don't say
"skin cancer"!

Just glorious.

♪ Oh, say,
can you see-- ♪
No, no. Don't. Don't.

Oh, my.

Fancy!

SEAN: Welcome home, darling.
[Laughs]

Hello. We're
the new people

moving into...

1675 Bel Vista Drive.

Sean and Beverly
Lincoln.

No.

No? Well,
we should be there.

Were they
expecting you?

No, no, there's
no one expecting us.

It's a house
we're renting.

Well, it's being
rented for us.

Wait, there's the housekeep.
She might be there.

Yeah.

One moment.

Is this right?

I have, uh...

Sean and Beverly Lincoln.

Sean and Beverly
Lincoln here.

She says they're
not home right now.

[Laughs] Well, of course
they're not home!

Because they're us.
And we're stuck here with you.

Ma'am, there's no need
to raise your voice.

Oh, really?
Get in the car.

I'll be you, and we'll
see if that's true.

Look, um, Wallace,

I'm sure once
we've moved in,

the three of us
will have a really
good laugh about this.

But, right now, we've
been traveling for...

14 hours.
14 hours.

And we'd really love
to get into the house.

Isn't there any way
you could let us do that?

Not if you're not
on the list.

How do I know
who you are?

Oh! Has it not come up?

We're Sean
and Beverly Lincoln!

Really not helping.
Really don't care!

I'm sure we're on the list.
May I see it?

No one sees the list.
No one sees the list?

We have very high-caliber
celebrities living here.

We have to protect
their privacy.

Oh, for God's sake,
Wallace--

I appreciate the seriousness
with which you do your job.

I do. But I just want
to find our names.

Now, I promise you,

I won't reveal
any information

about your precious
gated community

or the secret identities
of the gated citizens.

Now, give me the list.

Ooh, Renée Zellweger
lives here.

Does she?
Yeah.

This is just
for the two of us?

[Laughs]
Apparently so.

Our show's not this good.
[Laughs]

COMPUTERIZED VOICE:
Front door ajar.

Front door ajar.

She's fun.

Front door ajar.

Bloody hell.

It's even bigger
inside.

And you were afraid
we weren't gonna have
enough staircases.

This is mad.

Woy!

[Laughs]
Look at this.

It's very Hollywood.

Yeah.

And, construction-wise,
a little disturbing.

Ha!

BEVERLY: Oh, my God.

I am never leaving
this room.

I like a bath
you can dock a barge in.

[Laughs]

Big enough for two.

What, now?

I'm feeling a bit...
dirty.

You?
Filthy.

Say, you want to
dock that barge?

Oh, always a lady.

[Laughs]

Let's do this.

Well, maybe
some other time.
Yeah.

[Phone ringing, chatter]

Oh, and don't forget to get
your parking validated

before you leave.

Merc really wanted
to be here,

but he had to be
in New York.

Sean and Beverly,
this is Andy Button,
our head of casting.

Huge fan. Oh, my God.

I've just been watching
tapes of your show.

Beyond hysterical.
Beyond.

And Myra Licht,
head of comedy.

It's really funny.

There you go.
Sit, sit, sit.

So, are you
settling in?

Some house, huh?

SEAN: Ohh!
It's insane.

The only thing that's
missing is a moat.

Well, get a big rating,
Merc will dig you a moat.

She's not kidding.
[Laughs]

So, do you all your writers
get houses like that?

Oh, no!

No, no, no.

We just finished
shooting a reality
show there,

and we had six weeks
left on the lease,

and we needed a place
for you guys.

If you get bored,
you can vote
each other off.

Oh, well, that would
explain the columns.

Several of them are
made of polystyrene.

They're probably left over
from some set.

They use that house for
a lot of reality shows.

They shot a season of
The Bachelor there,

and, I think
The Apprentice L.A.

We just had 12 girls
living there,

competing to become
a supermodel.

Right, the bathroom
did have a vague
vomity smell.

That would be why.
Ha ha ha!

So, Lyman's Boys.

Ohh! Ha ha ha!

Let's talk about casting.

Well, we already have
Julian committed

to recreate
the role of Lyman,

so that's half the battle
right there.

We love Julian!

Comic god.

He's hilarious.

We just need
to find a time when
he can fly over

and audition
for Merc.

Audition?

No one gets cast
in anything

without Merc
seeing them first.

[Laughs]
That's mad.

Merc loves the show.
Julian is the show.

Why...should he
have to audition?

Yeah, um...

there is a chance

Merc may not have
actually seen your show.

What?
What?

I'm not saying that
he hasn't seen it.

Has he seen it?
No.

Hang on. He told us
he loved it.

He said he wanted
to have sex with it.

[Laughter]

Well, if I had
a nickel

for everything Merc
would have sex with,
sight unseen...

She'd have
a lot of nickels.

I'd be rich.
Ha ha ha!

Then what about it
did he love?

Uh, hello? It's a hit!

It wins awards.
It ran for four years.

Unbelievable.

We have all seen it,

and we do love it.

Major love.
Mm-hm.

Merc's never seen
the show?

I can't--

I mean, that's--

Help me.

You're articulating it
perfectly.

Which is why he really
needs to see Julian read.

But we've already
offered him the part.

He gave up a play
in the West End
to do this.

I hear you, I do.

And I am sure Merc
will just flip over him.

I mean, my God!
It's Julian...

Bullard.
Bullard.

Can't Merc just watch
some tapes of the show?

It's better if we
do it in person.

He's not a big
TV-watcher.

And if we say no?

[Sighs]

You don't want
to say no to Merc.

Mmm.

You really want him
on your team.

I thought he was
on our team.

Totally. Ha!

But if he likes Julian--
and he will--

you're pretty much
guaranteed you're
on the air.

He already guaranteed
we were on the air.

Absolutely!

[Laughs]
But, you know,
nothing's in stone.

Actually, Merc said
this was in stone.

And it is.
But, you know...

Clearly,
we don't know.

It's in stone, but...

...stone--Ha ha!

There's things
stronger than stone.

Like what?

Like Merc.
Yeah, Merc.

Merc is stronger
than stone.

BEVERLY: It's outrageous!
No, I know.

He has to audition--
the man has played
the part for four years!

It's insane!
What are you eating?

Nuts from the plane.
They're awful.

Do you want some?
Sure.

Hello, Wallace.

And you're here
to see...?

Hmm. Heh.

Oh, I remember
this scene.

It's rather good.

Julian, thank you again
for doing this.

We're horrified you even
need to go through it.

Oh, peaches,
don't give it
a second thought.

I understand.
I'm not new.

The King won't
let us play

until he shows
everybody how big
his dick is.

Though, you'd think
they'd have wives

and boyfriends
for that. But no.

Merc's here.
We can start.

All right.

["Cockney" accent]
'Ello, guv'nor!
Come 'ere!

Oh. Every time.

So, shall I
bring in Julian?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everyone,
may I introduce...

Julian Bullard.

Welcome, Julian.
Thanks for coming in.

Not at all.

You know, the last time
I had to audition

was...'87.

It was to do Private Lives
with Dame Judi at the National,

so this is
a bit of a treat.

Well, we all
appreciate it.

Mm. And with whom
will I be reading?

Me. Career highlight.

SEAN: For those
who haven't seen
this episode,

in this scene,
Julian has to tell
one of the boys

he's been asked
to leave St. Abban's.

Oh, this is
a good one!

Wow.

Whenever
you're ready.

Robbie...

I'm afraid your time at
St. Abban's has come to an end.

What? Why?

Well, the teachers
and I think

that you would do better
at a school

with a less academically
demanding curriculum.

[Gentle laughter]
Why?

We feel that you need

a more intellectually
diminished environment.

[Laughter]

I don't understand.

Uh, how to put this?

You're not bright.

[Laughter]

I'm bright.

No.
I'm not stupid.

You are not not stupid.

[Laughter]

Was that too many "nots"?

Maybe I'm just
not working up to
my full potential.

No, this is you
firing on all cylinders.

[Laughter]

But all is not bleak.

For you, young man,
have something

far more important
than intelligence.

You are...

attractive.

[Laughter]

There isn't
a Nobel laureate

that wouldn't happily
give 20 I.Q. points

for those
chiseled cheekbones

and that pert little bum.

[Laughter]

Plus, your family is rich.

My God. You could be running
this whole country one day.

And I assure you,

intelligence would only
get in your way.

[Laughter, applause]

Julian, could you just
give us a minute?

Certainly.
Thank you.

Oh, wow.

That was a treat.

I gotta tell you--
he's the real deal, huh?

Yes, he is.

So, we're all set?

Uh...

hmm...

Yes?
Well...

is it me?

Or does anybody else...

feel like he comes off
a bit too English?

Yeah, a little.
Yeah, yeah.

Hmm. Too English.

Possibly it's because...

he's English?

[Laughter]
Yeah!

No, no. He just--

He sounds, uh,
a little too...

mmm, butlery.

I mean,
if we're doing

an American version
of the show--

Yes, but he's playing
the headmaster

of an elite
boarding school.

The boys will be
American,

the other teachers.

Why can't he
be British?

Oh, no, I hear you.

But we need the audience
to like him.

Hmm, that's true.
Oh, yeah.

He has got to be
likeable, mmm.

I can't believe we're
actually asking you this.

Truly, I am having
an out-of-body experience.

I may be sick.

Julian, we'd understand
completely if you said no,

but could you possibly
do the scene again

in an American accent?

No problem.

Really?
Yeah.

Oh, dear ones.

I was doing
Eugene O'Neill

and Tennessee Williams
before you were born.

Ohh! How old are you?

Piss off.
Ha ha!

You all remember
Julian Bullard.

Welcome back,
Mr. Bullard.

Shall we do this?

Um...

[American accent]
Robbie.

I'm afraid your time
at St. Abban's
has come to an end.

What? Why?

Well, the teachers and I

think you would
do better at a school

with a less academically
demanding curriculum.

Why?

Well, we feel you need
a more intellectually...

diminished environment.

I don't understand.

How to put this?

[Clears throat]
You're not bright.

I'm bright.
No.

I'm not stupid.

You're not not stupid.

I'm sorry.
Can I just go back
a little bit on that?

Yeah, yeah,
absolutely.

So, um--

Well, how to put this?

Uh, you're not bright.

You're--Uhh.

You're not bright.
Um...

You're not bright.
You're stupid.

I'm sorry. Could--

Could I just try
one more thing?

Absolutely. No problem.
Yeah, anything.

Southern, maybe?

OK. [Clears throat]
Um...

Um...um...

Uh, you're not bright.

I'm bright.
No.

I'm not stupid.

You're not not stupid.

That too many
"nots" there...

partner?

I suppose that would be

if I was the headmaster
of a cowboy school.

All right.

I believe
we have seen enough.

I know the way out.

I have been here before.

Thank me very much
for coming in today.

And let's hope
to heaven...

there's a bar
in the hotel.

Is it me, or was he
just not funny?

What just happened?

I don't know.
And, in case
you're wondering,

I'll be wanting
at least that much.

Bloody pillar.

All right, all right.

Let's look on
the positive side.

Positive side?
Well--

No, just once, please,

do not try and find
a positive side!

Because even if you can,
which I very much doubt,

my negative is so much, much
bigger than your positive.

My negative openly mocks
your positive.

My negative slaps
your positive around.

My negative
grabs your positive,

bends it over the sofa,
and buggers it from behind.

My positive
did not enjoy that.

[Telephone rings]

[Ring]

Hello?

Hi, Carol.

Put her on
that speaker thing.

Hi, kids!

Tough day.

SEAN: Yep.
Yes, it was.

Yeah, we all
feel terrible.

Merc is sending you
a basket of
loganberries.

Oh, lovely.

So, how are
you two doing?

Well, er--

We're not
feeling positive,
I can tell you that.

CAROL: I'm sure.

Anyway...

we should all try
and look forward.

We still love
Lyman's Boys.

We do!
Mm-hm.

We just find it hard
to imagine doing it
without Julian.

CAROL: I understand.

But before we go there,

we wanted to share
an idea with you.

It's a different way to go,

so keep your minds open.

We just found out

that there is
an actor available.

Huge star.

Hysterically funny.

The audience
just loves him.

And he's ready
to come back to TV.

Merc thinks that he would
be perfect for this.

Really? Who?

Matt LeBlanc.

What, you want me for
the old fat guy's part?
Thanks.

We don't want you.
Again, thanks.

They loved you!

I don't know
that I love them.

Don't let them
force you to cast
anyone you don't want.

I'm totally wrong
for it, aren't I?

Spectacularly wrong.

We got Matt LeBlanc!

What?!