subtitlecat.com

All language subtitles for Adam & Steve (2005)

Afrikaans

Akan

Albanian

Amharic

Arabic

Armenian

Azerbaijani

Basque

Belarusian

Bemba

Bengali

Bihari

Bosnian

Breton

Bulgarian

Cambodian

Catalan

Cebuano

Cherokee

Chichewa

Chinese (Simplified)

Chinese (Traditional)

Corsican

Croatian

Czech

Danish

Dutch

English Download

Esperanto

Estonian

Ewe

Faroese

Filipino

Finnish

French

Frisian

Galician

Georgian

German

Greek

Guarani

Gujarati

Haitian Creole

Hausa

Hawaiian

Hebrew

Hindi

Hmong

Hungarian

Icelandic

Igbo

Indonesian

Interlingua

Irish

Italian Download

Japanese

Javanese

Kannada

Kazakh

Kinyarwanda

Kirundi

Kongo

Korean

Krio (Sierra Leone)

Kurdish

Kurdish (Soranî)

Kyrgyz

Laothian

Latin

Latvian

Lingala

Lithuanian

Lozi

Luganda

Luo

Luxembourgish

Macedonian

Malagasy

Malay

Malayalam

Maltese

Maori

Marathi

Mauritian Creole

Moldavian

Mongolian

Myanmar (Burmese)

Montenegrin

Nepali

Nigerian Pidgin

Northern Sotho

Norwegian

Norwegian (Nynorsk)

Occitan

Oriya

Oromo

Pashto

Persian

Polish

Portuguese (Brazil)

Portuguese (Portugal)

Punjabi

Quechua

Romanian

Romansh

Runyakitara

Russian

Samoan

Scots Gaelic

Serbian

Serbo-Croatian

Sesotho

Setswana

Seychellois Creole

Shona

Sindhi

Sinhalese

Slovak

Slovenian

Somali

Spanish

Spanish (Latin American)

Sundanese

Swahili

Swedish

Tajik

Tamil

Tatar

Telugu

Thai

Tigrinya

Tonga

Tshiluba

Tumbuka

Turkish

Turkmen

Twi

Uighur

Ukrainian

Urdu

Uzbek

Vietnamese

Welsh

Wolof

Xhosa

Yiddish

Yoruba

Zulu

Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:16,009 --> 00:01:20,378 You are an obsession. I cannot sleep. 2 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:24,246 I am your possession. Unopened at your feet. 3 00:01:24,350 --> 00:01:29,083 There's no balance, no equality. 4 00:01:29,189 --> 00:01:32,886 Be still, I will not accept defeat. 5 00:01:32,992 --> 00:01:37,053 I will have you, Yes I will have you. 6 00:01:37,163 --> 00:01:41,259 I will find a way and I will have you. 7 00:01:41,367 --> 00:01:45,360 Like a butterfly, a wild butterfly. 8 00:01:45,472 --> 00:01:47,940 I will collect you and capture you. 9 00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:49,941 I don't think this is goth night. 10 00:01:50,043 --> 00:01:52,011 This place sucks! 11 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:53,272 Indeed! 12 00:01:53,379 --> 00:01:57,145 Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me? 13 00:01:57,417 --> 00:01:59,817 I'm going to the bathroom. 14 00:01:59,919 --> 00:02:03,184 There's an idea for a poem I want to write! 15 00:02:03,289 --> 00:02:06,622 Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me? 16 00:02:06,726 --> 00:02:08,660 Hey! Watch it, fat ass! 17 00:02:10,730 --> 00:02:15,292 #I need you, I need you, by sun or candlelight 18 00:02:15,401 --> 00:02:19,565 You protest. You want to leave 19 00:02:19,672 --> 00:02:23,335 Stay. There's no alternative 20 00:02:23,443 --> 00:02:26,844 Your face appears again. I see your beauty there 21 00:02:26,946 --> 00:02:31,349 But I see danger, stranger beware. 22 00:02:31,451 --> 00:02:35,319 A circumstance in your naked dreams. 23 00:02:35,421 --> 00:02:39,619 Your affection is not what it seems. 24 00:02:39,726 --> 00:02:43,719 You are an obsession. You're my obsession. 25 00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:47,960 What do you want me to be to make you sleep with me? 26 00:02:48,067 --> 00:02:52,060 You are an obsession. You're my obsession. 27 00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:56,506 What do you want me to be to make you sleep with me? 28 00:03:30,843 --> 00:03:33,403 I want to leave, I don't belong here. 29 00:03:33,513 --> 00:03:35,037 It's fun cause we're together. 30 00:03:35,148 --> 00:03:37,082 No it's not! 31 00:03:38,985 --> 00:03:43,046 What's with that solid gold dancer with his ass in the air? 32 00:03:43,189 --> 00:03:44,417 The dazzle dancer? 33 00:03:44,524 --> 00:03:46,287 Yeah, why don't you guys get married! 34 00:03:46,392 --> 00:03:48,622 I don't even know if he's gay. 35 00:03:48,728 --> 00:03:50,593 He's got like frosted hair. 36 00:03:50,697 --> 00:03:54,133 George Michael has frosted hair and he's like totally straight. 37 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:58,136 Adam, you're 21, you're like almost 30. 38 00:03:58,238 --> 00:03:59,671 You need to more aggressive. 39 00:03:59,772 --> 00:04:01,433 What do I say? 40 00:04:01,541 --> 00:04:03,202 Just be yourself. 41 00:04:03,309 --> 00:04:05,106 What's that? 42 00:04:05,211 --> 00:04:07,202 Tell him you liked his dancing. 43 00:04:10,850 --> 00:04:13,876 Oh my God, yeah, that F.I.T. Fag in training was there... 44 00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:15,215 and of course Keith was there. 45 00:04:15,321 --> 00:04:17,312 Let Carrie tell the story, she tells it so much better than you. 46 00:04:18,324 --> 00:04:22,351 I'm standing there talking to Keith Herring and this guy... 47 00:04:22,462 --> 00:04:24,896 starts comparing him to Warhol. 48 00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:27,660 It was so embarrassing. 49 00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:30,235 He hates those comparisons, you know. 50 00:04:33,339 --> 00:04:36,308 God, it's so tragic. 51 00:04:36,409 --> 00:04:40,470 Well I guess Bela Lugosi ain't dead after all. 52 00:04:43,016 --> 00:04:47,578 He is dead, people like you killed him. 53 00:04:47,687 --> 00:04:49,177 Oh, chill out. 54 00:04:51,157 --> 00:04:53,523 - Oh. - How did it go? 55 00:04:53,626 --> 00:04:56,322 Oh God, I'm such a loser. 56 00:04:56,429 --> 00:04:58,989 You are not, would I be friends with a loser? 57 00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:01,999 Hey! 58 00:05:04,504 --> 00:05:06,495 Sorry about my friend Carrie. 59 00:05:06,606 --> 00:05:10,098 I'm Maura Bid and this is Rex Havoc. 60 00:05:12,545 --> 00:05:14,172 Cool look, Rex. 61 00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:15,941 Yeah, my last boyfriend was a goth, 62 00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:19,212 are all of you as wild and nasty as he was? 63 00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:25,219 The night decrees its own appreciations for some mortals... 64 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,384 treading the river Styx. 65 00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:30,220 So you don't like to dance? 66 00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,560 Not to this music. 67 00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:35,259 Yeah, well it is Danceateria. 68 00:05:35,368 --> 00:05:38,201 Yeah, more like Danceaqueeria. 69 00:05:48,548 --> 00:05:50,607 What is that, is that like a rib? 70 00:05:50,717 --> 00:05:51,741 Yeah, you want one? 71 00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:55,218 Na, na, I don't have much of an appetite if you catch my drift. 72 00:05:55,321 --> 00:05:58,347 Hey, you all want a bump? 73 00:05:58,458 --> 00:05:59,652 The bump? 74 00:05:59,759 --> 00:06:02,660 We're goths, we don't dance, we're dead. 75 00:06:02,762 --> 00:06:07,199 No, no, a bump of coke. 76 00:06:08,401 --> 00:06:09,527 Drugs? 77 00:06:29,455 --> 00:06:30,683 Look at me, look at me. 78 00:06:33,359 --> 00:06:34,223 Whew! Whoa! 79 00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:46,504 I am so sorry. 80 00:06:46,606 --> 00:06:50,736 It's alright, at least it's not the same one as last time. 81 00:06:50,843 --> 00:06:52,834 Hey, Rex. 82 00:06:52,945 --> 00:06:54,037 Oh my God, 83 00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:57,412 he totally looks like the guy from the Ah-Ha video! 84 00:06:57,517 --> 00:07:00,008 Well, he can 'Take On Me' anytime. 85 00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:02,753 Do you think he still has some cocaine? 86 00:07:02,855 --> 00:07:05,688 Oh my God, you're like totally addicted after like one bump! 87 00:07:05,792 --> 00:07:07,350 No, I'm not. 88 00:07:08,694 --> 00:07:10,889 It was fun, it wasn't like I thought it would be. 89 00:07:10,997 --> 00:07:13,522 Well it gave me the total Hershey squirts. 90 00:07:13,633 --> 00:07:15,567 I hear they cut it with baby laxatives. 91 00:07:15,668 --> 00:07:17,568 Well, you said you wanted to lose some weight. 92 00:07:19,939 --> 00:07:20,871 Hi. 93 00:07:20,973 --> 00:07:23,203 Hey, you okay? 94 00:07:23,309 --> 00:07:25,709 Yeah, just my wrist. 95 00:07:28,047 --> 00:07:29,036 Where do you live? 96 00:07:29,148 --> 00:07:30,080 Brooklyn. 97 00:07:30,183 --> 00:07:31,878 Me too, me too. 98 00:07:31,984 --> 00:07:33,212 Sun's coming up, you want to watch it... 99 00:07:33,319 --> 00:07:34,946 from the Brooklyn Bridge? 100 00:07:35,054 --> 00:07:37,716 Well I can't just leave my friend Rhonda. 101 00:07:37,824 --> 00:07:39,519 Good night. 102 00:07:40,993 --> 00:07:43,860 - Good luck. - Stop it! 103 00:07:44,997 --> 00:07:46,055 So? 104 00:07:46,165 --> 00:07:47,132 Okay. 105 00:07:47,233 --> 00:07:48,860 All right. 106 00:07:49,735 --> 00:07:51,896 Yeah, I go to A.M.D.A., you know that theatre school uptown. 107 00:07:52,004 --> 00:07:53,232 We're doing The Sound of Music, 108 00:07:53,339 --> 00:07:54,897 I'm up for the part of the Captain. 109 00:07:55,007 --> 00:07:57,237 Perhaps I had a wicked childhood. 110 00:07:57,343 --> 00:07:58,037 Wow. 111 00:07:58,144 --> 00:08:00,908 Perhaps I had a miserable youth... 112 00:08:01,013 --> 00:08:02,071 Someday I'm going to dance on Broadway. 113 00:08:02,181 --> 00:08:03,170 Watch this... 114 00:08:03,282 --> 00:08:04,874 Ew! 115 00:08:04,984 --> 00:08:07,418 Well, don't give up you've obviously got a huge talent. 116 00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:08,509 Whew! 117 00:08:08,621 --> 00:08:09,713 Oh my God, just kidding. 118 00:08:30,977 --> 00:08:32,535 Give it here. 119 00:08:32,645 --> 00:08:34,203 Hey, you know somehow I feel like... 120 00:08:34,313 --> 00:08:36,543 I've known you my whole life. 121 00:08:36,649 --> 00:08:38,207 Really, it's not just the drugs? 122 00:08:38,317 --> 00:08:41,480 Oh no, this is way bigger than drugs. 123 00:08:41,587 --> 00:08:42,781 Oh my God, I know. 124 00:08:49,328 --> 00:08:51,353 When I saw you dancing up there, 125 00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:53,227 I knew you were the one. 126 00:08:53,332 --> 00:08:55,061 I knew I was the one too. 127 00:08:57,169 --> 00:08:58,568 Where have you been my whole life? 128 00:08:58,671 --> 00:09:00,605 I've been looking for you. 129 00:09:00,706 --> 00:09:01,900 Here I am. 130 00:09:02,008 --> 00:09:03,635 This is so fun. 131 00:09:04,977 --> 00:09:06,535 I love you. 132 00:09:06,646 --> 00:09:08,637 I love you too. 133 00:09:11,617 --> 00:09:12,948 What's your name again? 134 00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:17,517 Watch this. 135 00:09:17,623 --> 00:09:18,521 Wow! 136 00:09:23,963 --> 00:09:25,863 Oh good, more cocaine. 137 00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:37,868 You have such an awesome body, do you like exercise and stuff? 138 00:09:37,977 --> 00:09:38,875 Yeah, I think I'm the only gay guy... 139 00:09:38,978 --> 00:09:41,378 in the whole world that works out. 140 00:09:45,985 --> 00:09:49,443 Hey, what's that muscle called on your arm? 141 00:09:49,555 --> 00:09:51,352 Huh? 142 00:09:51,457 --> 00:09:52,424 Here? 143 00:09:52,525 --> 00:09:54,117 Tricep. 144 00:09:54,226 --> 00:09:56,285 What about those, those ones. 145 00:09:56,395 --> 00:09:58,386 Pecs. 146 00:09:58,497 --> 00:10:01,557 Yeah, like that? 147 00:10:01,667 --> 00:10:02,827 Lats... 148 00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:14,980 Abs, quads, gluts... 149 00:10:15,982 --> 00:10:17,449 Oh my God I'm like the luckiest guy in the 150 00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:19,848 whole world right now. 151 00:10:19,952 --> 00:10:21,510 You are so f'ing hot. 152 00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:22,986 Bicep. 153 00:10:39,372 --> 00:10:41,636 Whoa... 154 00:10:59,825 --> 00:11:01,759 Puppy don't look. 155 00:11:56,382 --> 00:12:00,716 You are an obsession. I cannot sleep. 156 00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:05,052 I am your possession. Unopened at your feet. 157 00:12:05,157 --> 00:12:09,560 There's no balance, no equality. 158 00:12:09,662 --> 00:12:13,621 #Be still, I will not accept defeat. 159 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,325 Sorry, sorry. 160 00:12:15,434 --> 00:12:17,561 Yes I will have you. 161 00:12:17,670 --> 00:12:20,764 I will find a way and I will have... 162 00:12:34,019 --> 00:12:35,111 Hey. 163 00:12:35,221 --> 00:12:36,518 I thought you left. 164 00:12:36,622 --> 00:12:40,251 Oh, no I just came up for some fresh air. 165 00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:42,984 But if you can't beat them join them right? 166 00:12:43,095 --> 00:12:44,722 Can I have a hit of that? 167 00:12:44,830 --> 00:12:46,821 Isn't this retro music awesome? 168 00:12:46,932 --> 00:12:49,662 It reminds me of slumber parties in grade school. 169 00:12:56,108 --> 00:12:56,904 Wow! 170 00:12:57,009 --> 00:12:58,476 Somebody needs a drink! 171 00:12:58,577 --> 00:13:01,478 No, no, I'm straight, sober. 172 00:13:01,580 --> 00:13:02,512 Really? 173 00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:03,479 Wow. 174 00:13:03,582 --> 00:13:05,413 I would hate to be sober, that sucks ass. 175 00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:07,452 I don't see why sober people still get to smoke. 176 00:13:07,553 --> 00:13:10,545 Nicotine is such a drug. 177 00:13:10,656 --> 00:13:12,851 Yeah, but nicotine doesn't make me wander through gay bars... 178 00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:15,984 pinching my nipples and moaning, "pick me, pick me" to hot guys. 179 00:13:16,095 --> 00:13:17,119 Wow. 180 00:13:17,229 --> 00:13:21,427 Sounds like you did a lot of coke or crystal or crack. 181 00:13:21,534 --> 00:13:23,297 And now you're an AA. 182 00:13:23,402 --> 00:13:25,768 But you don't go to crack meetings because they're too... 183 00:13:25,871 --> 00:13:27,998 hard core and you're just a nice Jewish boy at heart who can only... 184 00:13:28,107 --> 00:13:30,007 let lose when he's fucked up. 185 00:13:30,109 --> 00:13:32,543 You have a lot of guilt which is why you need chemicals... 186 00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:34,203 to squelch your conscious. 187 00:13:35,214 --> 00:13:38,411 You realize you just said all that out loud, right? 188 00:13:38,517 --> 00:13:41,077 Oh, I'm studying acting so I pick up on... 189 00:13:41,187 --> 00:13:43,280 people's personalities, you know? 190 00:13:43,389 --> 00:13:45,448 Guys think they're so mysterious, 191 00:13:45,558 --> 00:13:49,460 but most are just really transparent. 192 00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:53,293 Well I appreciate the completely superficial deconstruction... 193 00:13:53,399 --> 00:13:55,060 of my character but I think I'm a little more... 194 00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:56,566 complex than you think. 195 00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:02,040 Hi everybody. 196 00:14:02,141 --> 00:14:07,579 My name is Mary and I used to be a bipolar crack addict. 197 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,307 But now I'm just bipolar. 198 00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:10,882 Yeah! 199 00:14:11,884 --> 00:14:14,546 Welcome, welcome, welcome to the midnight... 200 00:14:14,653 --> 00:14:16,678 whip that crack fellowship. 201 00:14:16,789 --> 00:14:20,122 This is a crack meeting, tonight's topic is crack. 202 00:14:26,832 --> 00:14:27,662 Okay. 203 00:14:33,505 --> 00:14:34,529 Ah... 204 00:14:49,755 --> 00:14:50,915 Happy birthday. 205 00:15:06,005 --> 00:15:06,664 Yeah, hello! 206 00:15:06,772 --> 00:15:10,003 Hey honey, just calling to wish you know who a happy Bert-day. 207 00:15:10,109 --> 00:15:12,373 Well I'd put him on the phone but he's in a cake hole. 208 00:15:12,478 --> 00:15:15,311 I should be reported to the Humane Society. 209 00:15:15,414 --> 00:15:18,212 Oh please, I've eaten more than that in one sitting. 210 00:15:18,317 --> 00:15:19,807 Remember my sister's wedding, she's still mad 211 00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:21,443 she didn't get a piece. 212 00:15:21,553 --> 00:15:22,679 Right. 213 00:15:22,788 --> 00:15:24,779 And besides one of the many advantages of being a dog... 214 00:15:24,890 --> 00:15:26,721 is that get to eat like a pig. 215 00:15:26,825 --> 00:15:29,521 Hey, fatso, ready to go on? 216 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,868 Speaking of pigs, Lou just propositioned me again. 217 00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:42,270 Hey, hey everybody having a good time? 218 00:15:42,374 --> 00:15:44,865 Let me hear you say 'yeah'! 219 00:15:47,813 --> 00:15:49,371 All right. 220 00:15:49,481 --> 00:15:51,745 Oh, I'm hanging by a thread here the audiences have been really... 221 00:15:51,850 --> 00:15:53,511 tough and I'm sweating like Whitney Houston... 222 00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:54,745 going though customs. 223 00:15:54,853 --> 00:15:55,751 Uh... 224 00:15:55,854 --> 00:15:57,583 Maybe you might want to, you know, 225 00:15:57,690 --> 00:15:59,089 come up with some new material, 226 00:15:59,191 --> 00:16:01,091 you know, since you lost the weight. 227 00:16:01,193 --> 00:16:02,785 What are you talking about? 228 00:16:02,895 --> 00:16:06,991 Help me Rhonda, yeah, get her out of my pants. 229 00:16:08,667 --> 00:16:09,395 Thank you. 230 00:16:09,501 --> 00:16:10,832 Oh shit, he's singing a song. 231 00:16:12,538 --> 00:16:14,403 Ladies and gentlemen Rhonda Gernon... 232 00:16:14,506 --> 00:16:16,337 and her fabulous fun bags. 233 00:16:16,442 --> 00:16:17,909 Whew! 234 00:16:23,882 --> 00:16:26,749 I know what you're thinking. 235 00:16:26,852 --> 00:16:29,286 Doesn't she have a pretty face? 236 00:16:29,388 --> 00:16:32,255 And what a personality! 237 00:16:32,358 --> 00:16:36,124 If only I didn't get my dresses made by Omar the tent maker. 238 00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:45,360 I'm so fat, I eat with a forklift. 239 00:16:48,073 --> 00:16:51,804 I'm so fat, when I back up, my ass beeps. 240 00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:24,900 Fashioned from actual ceramic chips... 241 00:17:25,010 --> 00:17:27,001 recovered at Ground Zero. 242 00:17:27,112 --> 00:17:30,377 This commemorative plate will make a fitting addition to... 243 00:17:30,482 --> 00:17:33,383 your other 9/11 collectibles. 244 00:17:33,485 --> 00:17:37,114 Featuring an American bald eagle, look at her there 245 00:17:37,222 --> 00:17:39,656 - In all her majestic glory - Oh my God. 246 00:17:40,426 --> 00:17:42,894 With a gorgeous single cubic zirconia tear... 247 00:17:42,995 --> 00:17:45,463 running down her furrowed face. 248 00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:46,758 Look at that, now... 249 00:17:46,865 --> 00:17:47,388 Oh! 250 00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:51,498 Geez! 251 00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:53,868 Somebody... 252 00:18:00,612 --> 00:18:01,874 Help! 253 00:18:01,980 --> 00:18:03,777 Help me! 254 00:18:03,882 --> 00:18:05,577 Oh my God, somebody help me! 255 00:18:05,684 --> 00:18:07,948 Sir, animals are not allowed here, 256 00:18:08,053 --> 00:18:09,418 hospital policy. 257 00:18:09,521 --> 00:18:11,011 What do you mean 'hospital policy'?! 258 00:18:11,123 --> 00:18:13,057 You are going to have to keep your voice down sir. 259 00:18:13,158 --> 00:18:16,321 Now there is a very good animal hospital over on First Avenue. 260 00:18:16,428 --> 00:18:19,090 I'm not on First Avenue, I'm on Tenth Avenue and there are... 261 00:18:19,198 --> 00:18:22,759 doctors here, medical equipment, and he has a heart and brain... 262 00:18:22,868 --> 00:18:24,460 and lungs just like a normal person. 263 00:18:24,570 --> 00:18:26,367 Sir, please come with me. 264 00:18:26,472 --> 00:18:27,939 There was an accident, I stabbed him. 265 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,372 I stabbed him accidentally. 266 00:18:36,248 --> 00:18:37,044 Hello. 267 00:18:37,149 --> 00:18:38,980 We have another dog stabber down here. 268 00:18:39,084 --> 00:18:41,552 Sir the hospitals doesn't admit animals, we have told you. 269 00:18:41,653 --> 00:18:46,454 This is not an animal, this is my child. 270 00:18:46,558 --> 00:18:49,322 I'm a single gay man in New York, don't you understand?! 271 00:18:49,428 --> 00:18:51,658 Rob, Rob, it's okay. It's okay. 272 00:18:52,764 --> 00:18:55,062 Sir, bring the dog on back, okay. 273 00:18:57,903 --> 00:18:58,927 Thank you. 274 00:19:05,511 --> 00:19:07,240 At least there is still one caring person... 275 00:19:07,346 --> 00:19:09,314 left in the medical establishment. 276 00:19:09,414 --> 00:19:10,381 Sir. 277 00:19:30,536 --> 00:19:32,197 What is this National Freak Day? 278 00:19:32,304 --> 00:19:34,568 We've got a lady yelling at her vagina out there. 279 00:19:37,809 --> 00:19:39,800 Ah, the pictures are back. 280 00:19:39,912 --> 00:19:42,972 The dog has a bruised rib which was... 281 00:19:43,081 --> 00:19:44,981 I'm sorry I can't hear you. 282 00:19:45,083 --> 00:19:47,108 Oh, sorry. 283 00:19:47,219 --> 00:19:51,918 X-rays, yeah your dog has a bruised rib which the knife... 284 00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:54,857 must have grazed while it entered. 285 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,827 See there's a little clouding in the abdomen region which... 286 00:19:57,930 --> 00:19:59,522 we'd expect in a puncture wound. 287 00:19:59,631 --> 00:20:00,962 Is he bleeding internally? 288 00:20:01,066 --> 00:20:04,627 Yeah, a little, but you know nothing life threatening. 289 00:20:04,736 --> 00:20:08,695 Oh thank you, thank you so much. 290 00:20:08,807 --> 00:20:11,139 I can't thank you enough for helping us. 291 00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:14,478 Quite all right. 292 00:20:14,580 --> 00:20:16,343 You want to go see him now? 293 00:20:16,448 --> 00:20:18,780 - Yeah. - Right this way. 294 00:20:22,321 --> 00:20:24,585 Hi, oh... 295 00:20:26,792 --> 00:20:30,193 You know I have to say that his fat protected him... 296 00:20:30,295 --> 00:20:32,490 from the knife, although in the long run... 297 00:20:32,598 --> 00:20:34,156 you might want to put him on a diet. 298 00:20:34,266 --> 00:20:36,996 Oh, yeah, I don't know why he's so fat. 299 00:20:38,370 --> 00:20:42,807 - I'm Adam, by the way. - Oh, I'm Doctor Hicks, Steven. 300 00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,972 Are you a veterinarian? 301 00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:48,706 Actually I'm a shrink, I do outpatient... 302 00:20:48,814 --> 00:20:50,782 mental health services here. 303 00:20:50,882 --> 00:20:52,873 I went to medical school, I was going to be a veterinarian, 304 00:20:52,985 --> 00:20:55,419 I actually love animals. 305 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:57,886 Why didn't you? 306 00:20:57,990 --> 00:20:59,890 I couldn't stand the idea of dealing with neurotic... 307 00:20:59,992 --> 00:21:02,460 pet owners on a daily basis. 308 00:21:02,561 --> 00:21:04,461 Oh, sorry. 309 00:21:04,563 --> 00:21:06,463 It's okay. 310 00:21:06,565 --> 00:21:09,125 It is sad how people attribute human qualities to animals... 311 00:21:09,234 --> 00:21:12,362 instead of just eating their flesh or wearing their fur. 312 00:21:15,807 --> 00:21:19,675 So Adam, let's talk about you now. 313 00:21:19,778 --> 00:21:21,268 Me? 314 00:21:21,380 --> 00:21:25,544 You want to tell me what drove you to stab your dog? 315 00:21:25,651 --> 00:21:28,415 Oh, it was an accident. 316 00:21:29,721 --> 00:21:34,886 Look I love this dog more than I love myself. 317 00:21:34,993 --> 00:21:38,895 I know it sounds dumb, but I'm not crazy. 318 00:21:38,997 --> 00:21:40,965 I know you're not crazy. 319 00:21:41,066 --> 00:21:43,261 You know actually it's refreshing to meet somebody who 320 00:21:43,368 --> 00:21:46,804 loves someone or something that much. 321 00:21:48,807 --> 00:21:50,536 Oh. 322 00:21:54,746 --> 00:21:57,510 Hey, greetings gay doctor roommate! 323 00:21:57,616 --> 00:21:58,844 Tough day at the 'orifice'? 324 00:21:58,950 --> 00:22:02,113 A woman who thinks God speaks through her vagina. 325 00:22:02,220 --> 00:22:03,653 Oh, wait, Polly? 326 00:22:03,755 --> 00:22:05,416 Oh no... 327 00:22:05,524 --> 00:22:07,719 no please. 328 00:22:07,826 --> 00:22:09,851 Blond, thirties, five-eight. 329 00:22:09,961 --> 00:22:12,486 You had sex with a homeless woman? 330 00:22:12,597 --> 00:22:14,758 It was kind of sweet actually, 331 00:22:14,866 --> 00:22:17,562 it's not the way you make it sound. 332 00:22:20,138 --> 00:22:21,162 For God's sake. 333 00:22:22,808 --> 00:22:25,436 We actually cuddled a lot, it was very intimate. 334 00:22:25,544 --> 00:22:28,240 Yeah, well she was probably cold. 335 00:22:28,347 --> 00:22:31,475 You know homeless people have needs. 336 00:22:31,583 --> 00:22:34,108 You know they need love like other folks. 337 00:22:36,488 --> 00:22:40,754 I helped her, I provided a service for her actually, 338 00:22:40,859 --> 00:22:44,226 you know for five minutes her vagina stopped talking to her. 339 00:22:44,329 --> 00:22:48,356 Michael I'm going to take a shower for both of us. 340 00:22:51,269 --> 00:22:53,897 Well, your mother would be happy, marrying a doctor. 341 00:22:54,005 --> 00:22:55,267 - Is he Jewish? - I don't think so. 342 00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:57,365 Whatever, I'll never see him again unless I go insane. 343 00:22:57,476 --> 00:23:03,278 Adam, we're like in our thirties, we're almost 40, 344 00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:05,646 you need to be more aggressive. 345 00:23:05,751 --> 00:23:07,480 Why don't you go back to the hospital? 346 00:23:07,586 --> 00:23:09,144 - No! - Why not? 347 00:23:09,254 --> 00:23:10,983 He already thinks I'm a crazy pet person. 348 00:23:13,058 --> 00:23:16,494 You're the only person I know that showers before the gym. 349 00:23:16,595 --> 00:23:18,825 Well, I need to blow off some steam. 350 00:23:18,930 --> 00:23:23,390 - Among other things. - Uh-huh, that's right. 351 00:23:23,502 --> 00:23:28,030 God, you gay guys are so lucky. 352 00:23:28,140 --> 00:23:31,007 You get to connect and make love... 353 00:23:31,109 --> 00:23:33,407 to someone different every night. 354 00:23:33,512 --> 00:23:35,446 Yeah. 355 00:23:35,547 --> 00:23:38,277 If women were as promiscuous as you there'd be like 356 00:23:38,383 --> 00:23:39,748 orgies in the street. 357 00:23:39,851 --> 00:23:42,342 Thanks to you there already are. 358 00:23:42,454 --> 00:23:45,287 Oh no, I brought her back here. 359 00:23:47,426 --> 00:23:51,123 Well, have fun having gay, anonymous sex... 360 00:23:51,229 --> 00:23:52,924 in the low self esteem room. 361 00:23:56,201 --> 00:23:56,997 Thanks. 362 00:24:06,445 --> 00:24:10,848 Hey, you're hot, I wish I had your body, 363 00:24:10,949 --> 00:24:12,849 but like with my face. 364 00:24:15,220 --> 00:24:17,347 I wish you did too. 365 00:24:17,456 --> 00:24:19,720 God, don't you just love this gym it feels so good to sweat 366 00:24:19,825 --> 00:24:21,986 out the tina, you know what I mean? 367 00:24:22,093 --> 00:24:27,156 Actually I don't, I don't use drugs and neither should you. 368 00:24:27,265 --> 00:24:28,323 Ew! 369 00:24:28,433 --> 00:24:31,766 It sounds like somebody had a bad experience with drugs. 370 00:24:31,870 --> 00:24:32,700 Excuse me? 371 00:24:32,804 --> 00:24:35,068 No, it's okay, I'm just really observant. 372 00:24:35,173 --> 00:24:37,141 I notice things that other guys might not. 373 00:24:37,242 --> 00:24:38,368 Is that so? 374 00:24:38,477 --> 00:24:39,273 Yeah. 375 00:24:39,377 --> 00:24:40,969 I'm going to be an actor so I pick up... 376 00:24:41,079 --> 00:24:42,910 on people's personalities. 377 00:24:43,014 --> 00:24:44,675 You don't do drugs because you have... 378 00:24:44,783 --> 00:24:47,445 what they call... 'control issues'. 379 00:24:47,552 --> 00:24:49,816 You're like totally afraid to be out of control of your body... 380 00:24:49,921 --> 00:24:52,116 or let someone see you in a less than perfect light. 381 00:24:52,224 --> 00:24:54,454 You're really afraid of letting your hair down, 382 00:24:54,559 --> 00:24:57,050 unless it has to do with sex, 383 00:24:57,162 --> 00:24:59,323 and then you can completely cut lose and... 384 00:25:29,327 --> 00:25:30,225 Hey! 385 00:25:32,931 --> 00:25:34,899 Sorry, sorry. 386 00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:36,228 Ew! 387 00:25:36,334 --> 00:25:37,995 Dogs are so gross! 388 00:25:41,907 --> 00:25:43,067 How can someone love something that shits... 389 00:25:43,174 --> 00:25:44,402 right in front of them? 390 00:26:07,632 --> 00:26:09,293 Excuse me, 391 00:26:09,401 --> 00:26:13,861 could you eat any of these birds if you had to? 392 00:26:13,972 --> 00:26:19,706 You know, like if terrorists poisoned the food supply. 393 00:26:30,455 --> 00:26:33,288 Oh look everyone, we have a duck in flight directly above us. 394 00:26:43,568 --> 00:26:47,937 Oh my God! Quick, somebody call 911! 395 00:26:57,749 --> 00:27:00,183 Long live the NRA! 396 00:27:01,786 --> 00:27:05,313 I am so sorry, this usually doesn't happen. 397 00:27:11,630 --> 00:27:12,619 Hey, you okay? 398 00:27:12,731 --> 00:27:15,791 Yeah, I'm fine, I just bruised a rib. 399 00:27:15,900 --> 00:27:19,336 Oh my God, it is you. It's you the dog guy. 400 00:27:19,437 --> 00:27:21,268 - Hi. - Hey. 401 00:27:21,373 --> 00:27:23,603 Wow. What a coincidence. 402 00:27:25,076 --> 00:27:29,308 How is your dog, speaking of bruised ribs? 403 00:27:29,414 --> 00:27:31,041 He's all better. 404 00:27:31,149 --> 00:27:34,346 He pees on the floor sometimes, or is that me? 405 00:27:38,556 --> 00:27:40,490 So what do you do, 406 00:27:40,592 --> 00:27:43,390 like bird watching tours around here? 407 00:27:43,495 --> 00:27:46,589 Yeah, you thought you were the only one to deal with crazies. 408 00:27:48,133 --> 00:27:49,430 That was actually pretty heroic of you, 409 00:27:49,534 --> 00:27:54,267 you know, tackling that guy, getting all dirty. 410 00:27:54,372 --> 00:27:56,863 Oh well, it was heroic of you to save my dog... 411 00:27:56,975 --> 00:27:58,237 and I don't mind you getting dirty. 412 00:27:58,343 --> 00:27:59,310 Oh, I know. 413 00:27:59,411 --> 00:28:01,436 You know, I'm really sorry, I was such a mess at the hospital. 414 00:28:01,546 --> 00:28:02,843 Wait a minute, wait a minute. 415 00:28:02,947 --> 00:28:04,209 Here, let me do something. 416 00:28:04,315 --> 00:28:05,873 Wait a minute, come here. 417 00:28:05,984 --> 00:28:07,679 It's all right, just... here. 418 00:28:10,689 --> 00:28:12,122 Here, look at me. 419 00:28:17,162 --> 00:28:18,595 There, that's better. 420 00:28:20,598 --> 00:28:23,795 So listen, I'm going to be an aggressive type person here... 421 00:28:23,902 --> 00:28:26,666 and, uh, take you out to dinner some time. 422 00:28:26,771 --> 00:28:28,466 Oh, you don't have to do that. 423 00:28:28,573 --> 00:28:31,007 - No, I want to. - Really, it's fine. 424 00:28:31,109 --> 00:28:32,940 - No, I want to. - Really, it's okay. 425 00:28:33,044 --> 00:28:34,807 - Really, I want to. - Really, it's fine. 426 00:28:34,913 --> 00:28:36,574 - But I want to. - It's all right. 427 00:28:36,681 --> 00:28:37,670 I'd kind of like to. 428 00:28:37,782 --> 00:28:39,113 Oh, I don't know, it's fine. 429 00:28:39,217 --> 00:28:39,945 But I'd like to. 430 00:28:40,051 --> 00:28:41,143 Really you should... 431 00:28:41,753 --> 00:28:44,881 I know... let me ask you out to dinner. 432 00:28:44,989 --> 00:28:46,889 No, that's okay. 433 00:28:46,991 --> 00:28:48,288 No, I'm serious I want to. 434 00:28:48,393 --> 00:28:49,257 No, you don't have to. 435 00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:50,054 But I want to. 436 00:28:50,161 --> 00:28:50,923 I'm flattered but... 437 00:28:51,029 --> 00:28:52,462 No, really come on I want to. 438 00:28:52,564 --> 00:28:54,054 Listen, I should take you out to dinner to thank you... 439 00:28:54,165 --> 00:28:56,463 for what you did for Burt. 440 00:28:56,568 --> 00:28:57,899 Oh... 441 00:28:58,002 --> 00:29:00,698 if it's just about your dog, I mean, 442 00:29:00,805 --> 00:29:03,672 you know, it's really not necessary. 443 00:29:03,775 --> 00:29:09,736 If you're asking me on a date, like a romantic type thing, 444 00:29:09,848 --> 00:29:12,578 you know then I would maybe have to say yes to such... 445 00:29:12,684 --> 00:29:15,585 an aggressive type person. 446 00:29:16,988 --> 00:29:21,755 Well it just so happens to be a romantic date type thing, 447 00:29:21,860 --> 00:29:24,727 so yeah, that's right. 448 00:29:24,829 --> 00:29:27,730 - Okay. - Okay. 449 00:29:27,832 --> 00:29:29,424 Okay, yeah good. 450 00:29:30,135 --> 00:29:31,067 Um. 451 00:29:31,169 --> 00:29:31,897 Wow. 452 00:29:32,003 --> 00:29:33,561 How about tomorrow night? 453 00:29:34,773 --> 00:29:36,070 Tomorrow night's great, where? 454 00:29:36,174 --> 00:29:37,266 Uh... 455 00:29:37,375 --> 00:29:39,935 how about right here in the park, you know the bath house. 456 00:29:40,879 --> 00:29:41,811 The Boat House? 457 00:29:43,748 --> 00:29:48,515 Um, I know, Sona. Sona on 6th at 6. 458 00:29:48,620 --> 00:29:50,178 Yeah, okay, great. 459 00:29:50,288 --> 00:29:51,880 - Good. - All right. 460 00:29:51,990 --> 00:29:54,891 Okay, well I'll see you there. 461 00:29:54,993 --> 00:29:56,017 - Okay. - Okay. 462 00:29:56,127 --> 00:29:56,957 - All right. - Bye. 463 00:29:57,061 --> 00:29:57,652 Bye. 464 00:30:00,431 --> 00:30:01,193 Bye. 465 00:30:03,968 --> 00:30:05,765 Are you sure you want to do this? 466 00:30:05,870 --> 00:30:08,065 Will you chill out, you sound like a jealous wife. 467 00:30:08,173 --> 00:30:09,731 Well you know you're going to have to change your whole 468 00:30:09,841 --> 00:30:11,240 lifestyle, you know. 469 00:30:11,342 --> 00:30:14,743 He's got a dog, you're going to have to hide all the knives. 470 00:30:14,846 --> 00:30:18,077 Michael, it's just a date, okay. 471 00:30:18,183 --> 00:30:22,381 Look, I'm 36 years old, maybe I'm tired of one hot... 472 00:30:22,487 --> 00:30:23,784 sexual encounter after another. 473 00:30:23,888 --> 00:30:26,686 Maybe I want to find out what it's like to have okay sex... 474 00:30:26,791 --> 00:30:28,691 with the same person on a regular basis. 475 00:30:34,899 --> 00:30:37,493 I'm very disappointed in you, Steve. 476 00:30:37,602 --> 00:30:40,162 Obviously you're not the person that I thought you were. 477 00:30:48,246 --> 00:30:50,043 Michael, I can still see you. 478 00:30:52,383 --> 00:30:55,750 Okay, one apple martini, diet coke. 479 00:30:58,289 --> 00:31:00,154 You, uh, you don't drink? 480 00:31:00,258 --> 00:31:02,624 No, I'm on antibiotics. 481 00:31:02,727 --> 00:31:05,821 Anything... communicable? 482 00:31:07,365 --> 00:31:10,596 Oh, no, no, nothing communicable. 483 00:31:10,702 --> 00:31:14,297 No, it's been awhile since I've communicated with anyone. 484 00:31:14,405 --> 00:31:17,306 You mean since uh, since you've had sex? 485 00:31:17,408 --> 00:31:18,932 How long? 486 00:31:19,043 --> 00:31:20,271 Oh, you know, I don't know... 487 00:31:20,378 --> 00:31:22,175 not that long, like six months. 488 00:31:26,117 --> 00:31:27,550 Wow. 489 00:31:27,652 --> 00:31:31,645 Although I did meet this one guy on the phone sex line who came over, 490 00:31:31,756 --> 00:31:34,919 but he lied about what he looked like, you know. 491 00:31:35,026 --> 00:31:37,153 When he showed up he was like 20 years older... 492 00:31:37,262 --> 00:31:42,097 and 50 pounds heavier than he said... and short. 493 00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:47,536 Well he was a dwarf, or a midget, I get them confused. 494 00:31:48,706 --> 00:31:49,434 Yeah. 495 00:31:49,540 --> 00:31:54,136 He had crossed eyes and burns on his face. 496 00:31:56,948 --> 00:31:59,314 No ears. 497 00:31:59,417 --> 00:32:01,282 I think he might have been born with a hair lip, 498 00:32:01,386 --> 00:32:03,854 but that could have been from the fire, you know. 499 00:32:03,955 --> 00:32:05,684 Yeah. 500 00:32:05,790 --> 00:32:08,850 I don't think he should have lied about those things, you know? 501 00:32:10,128 --> 00:32:10,958 No. 502 00:32:12,163 --> 00:32:15,428 I told him that too right after we had sex. 503 00:32:19,037 --> 00:32:20,129 Thank you. 504 00:32:24,175 --> 00:32:30,341 You know I have to tell you I don't go on dates very often. 505 00:32:30,448 --> 00:32:33,713 But you know ever since I saw you at the E.R., 506 00:32:33,818 --> 00:32:36,082 you seem familiar some how? 507 00:32:36,187 --> 00:32:37,484 Hmm. 508 00:32:37,588 --> 00:32:38,850 Did you grow up on Long Island? 509 00:32:38,957 --> 00:32:39,889 Uh-uh. 510 00:32:39,991 --> 00:32:42,619 - Texas. - You don't have an accent. 511 00:32:42,727 --> 00:32:44,592 Where did you go to college? 512 00:32:44,696 --> 00:32:48,996 I went to NYU briefly but it didn't work out. 513 00:32:49,100 --> 00:32:55,300 I don't know, I guess it's just one of those things, huh? 514 00:32:55,406 --> 00:32:59,069 Oh, well I was in a porn movie once, maybe you saw it. 515 00:33:01,112 --> 00:33:02,101 Really? 516 00:33:02,213 --> 00:33:03,305 No. 517 00:33:11,122 --> 00:33:12,419 Okay. 518 00:33:14,258 --> 00:33:15,384 Really? 519 00:33:15,493 --> 00:33:16,824 No. 520 00:33:16,928 --> 00:33:18,589 No, no. 521 00:33:18,696 --> 00:33:19,993 No. 522 00:33:24,869 --> 00:33:26,803 So you're an ornithologist? 523 00:33:26,904 --> 00:33:30,670 No, I just watch birds for a living. 524 00:33:30,775 --> 00:33:33,437 Yeah, business can be slow in the winter, 525 00:33:33,544 --> 00:33:36,513 but it's a steady paycheck and I'm trying to keep it simple... 526 00:33:36,614 --> 00:33:38,309 right now. 527 00:33:38,416 --> 00:33:39,610 Keep it simple? 528 00:33:41,052 --> 00:33:42,610 Yeah. 529 00:33:42,720 --> 00:33:46,781 Listen, I don't have an infection. 530 00:33:48,059 --> 00:33:55,693 I'm in recovery and part of that is being honest about that. 531 00:33:55,800 --> 00:33:58,997 Good for you, Adam. Good for you. 532 00:33:59,103 --> 00:34:00,866 Listen I deal with a lot of people... 533 00:34:00,972 --> 00:34:02,769 who have addictive personalities. 534 00:34:03,975 --> 00:34:06,967 Hey, wake up, it's not over till the fat lady sings... 535 00:34:07,078 --> 00:34:08,841 and I ain't sung yet. 536 00:34:13,151 --> 00:34:17,315 Boy, tough crowd. 537 00:34:17,422 --> 00:34:20,084 Remember ladies and gentlemen, if you throw any... 538 00:34:20,191 --> 00:34:23,024 wilted vegetables I will simply eat them. 539 00:34:25,730 --> 00:34:27,197 Although pork ribs are my favorite, 540 00:34:27,298 --> 00:34:29,095 feel free to throw those. 541 00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:30,565 Isn't it funny how the more ribs you eat... 542 00:34:30,668 --> 00:34:32,829 the less you can see of your own? 543 00:34:33,905 --> 00:34:35,998 You know, I know her, I think. 544 00:34:43,481 --> 00:34:46,575 Are those chocolate covered crickets I hear in the audience? 545 00:34:47,885 --> 00:34:49,614 - Yeah. - She was funny. 546 00:34:49,720 --> 00:34:52,314 Well you're sweet to say that but really she wasn't. 547 00:34:52,423 --> 00:34:54,687 Ah, thanks for coming. 548 00:34:54,792 --> 00:34:56,259 Yeah. 549 00:34:56,360 --> 00:34:58,954 Ah, what a shitty audience, right? 550 00:34:59,063 --> 00:35:00,257 This is Steve. 551 00:35:00,364 --> 00:35:03,299 Oh, the doctor with the heart of gold, nice to meet you. 552 00:35:03,401 --> 00:35:05,733 I know you, right, don't I? 553 00:35:05,837 --> 00:35:08,237 Well, I was just on stage. 554 00:35:09,507 --> 00:35:10,565 Wait a minute. 555 00:35:11,275 --> 00:35:14,108 Oh my God. 556 00:35:14,212 --> 00:35:15,736 Marie's... Marie's Crisis. 557 00:35:15,847 --> 00:35:17,644 - You're the cocktail waitress... - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. 558 00:35:17,748 --> 00:35:19,943 I work there on weekends, this place doesn't really pay, 559 00:35:20,051 --> 00:35:20,745 so... 560 00:35:20,852 --> 00:35:22,615 Right, I guess you don't recognize me. 561 00:35:22,720 --> 00:35:24,881 I'm too self absorbed to notice other people. 562 00:35:24,989 --> 00:35:27,014 I'm sorry did you say something? 563 00:35:38,035 --> 00:35:39,229 Okay. 564 00:35:39,337 --> 00:35:41,862 Excuse me I'm going to take care of some business. 565 00:35:41,973 --> 00:35:43,440 Okay. 566 00:35:43,541 --> 00:35:44,508 He's so cute. 567 00:35:44,609 --> 00:35:46,634 I know, I know he's so cute and we've been... 568 00:35:46,744 --> 00:35:47,802 having like the best time. 569 00:35:47,912 --> 00:35:50,073 Like the more I talk to him the more it's like I've known him... 570 00:35:50,181 --> 00:35:51,205 my whole life. 571 00:35:51,315 --> 00:35:52,339 Past lives. 572 00:35:52,450 --> 00:35:53,178 Yeah. 573 00:35:53,284 --> 00:35:56,048 You're about as funny as a heart attack. 574 00:35:56,154 --> 00:35:57,712 Oh, thanks dad! 575 00:36:01,859 --> 00:36:03,121 Okay, well here I am. 576 00:36:05,396 --> 00:36:07,296 Oh. 577 00:36:07,398 --> 00:36:08,695 What! 578 00:36:08,799 --> 00:36:11,427 Well aren't you worried about getting gay bashed or yelled at? 579 00:36:11,536 --> 00:36:13,970 No! 580 00:36:14,071 --> 00:36:16,767 No, my God nothing like that's ever happened to me. 581 00:36:16,874 --> 00:36:19,104 Yeah, it's just like every time I expressed affection in public... 582 00:36:19,210 --> 00:36:21,542 some asshole from Jersey throws a beer bottle at me. 583 00:36:23,214 --> 00:36:25,205 Wow. 584 00:36:25,316 --> 00:36:27,011 Sounds like you've had really bad luck. 585 00:36:38,362 --> 00:36:40,626 Oh... Burt, Burt, Burt, look at you. 586 00:36:40,731 --> 00:36:42,722 Give me five! Hey! 587 00:36:42,833 --> 00:36:44,232 Look at you, you're all better now. 588 00:36:54,412 --> 00:36:55,276 Oh! 589 00:37:15,032 --> 00:37:16,863 Did you come? 590 00:37:16,968 --> 00:37:18,959 No, I think your dog is licking my foot. 591 00:37:19,070 --> 00:37:19,764 Oh. 592 00:37:19,870 --> 00:37:22,430 Burt, go to your bed, go! 593 00:37:26,544 --> 00:37:27,909 I'm sorry. 594 00:37:28,012 --> 00:37:30,537 I don't think he understands what's happening to his daddy. 595 00:37:36,454 --> 00:37:38,547 Do you understand what's happening to his daddy? 596 00:37:40,057 --> 00:37:40,955 No. 597 00:37:44,395 --> 00:37:49,162 - Yes, yeah. - Come here. 598 00:37:59,944 --> 00:38:00,706 Bells will ring, and angels sing. 599 00:38:04,048 --> 00:38:08,144 there's something in the air. 600 00:38:08,252 --> 00:38:11,847 Cupid brings the start of spring, 601 00:38:11,956 --> 00:38:15,517 with something to declare. 602 00:38:15,626 --> 00:38:17,821 And now it's love, love, love... 603 00:38:17,928 --> 00:38:22,763 So delightfully, it's love, love, love, love, love. 604 00:38:28,372 --> 00:38:31,899 Romeo was smitten, Aphrodite bitten. 605 00:38:32,009 --> 00:38:35,843 Juliet was reeling, now I know the feeling. 606 00:38:35,946 --> 00:38:39,814 My heart's palpatatin', hyperventilatin', 607 00:38:39,917 --> 00:38:43,478 #from the kissing and the smackin', aphrodisiacking. 608 00:38:43,587 --> 00:38:46,283 I'm in love, love, love. 609 00:38:46,390 --> 00:38:51,794 What a gas to be in love, love, love, love, love. 610 00:38:51,896 --> 00:38:55,730 Love, love, love, like it has to be, 611 00:38:55,833 --> 00:38:58,927 in love, love, love, love, love. 612 00:39:00,471 --> 00:39:04,100 Who'd of thought that you and me'd be talking L-O-V-E? 613 00:39:04,208 --> 00:39:08,304 You can guarantee that we both agree. 614 00:39:08,412 --> 00:39:10,437 I know it seems askew, 615 00:39:10,548 --> 00:39:14,245 and relatively new to me, you'll say I do 616 00:39:14,352 --> 00:39:18,220 because we're both in love, love, love. 617 00:39:18,322 --> 00:39:23,191 What a gas to be in love, love, love, love, love. 618 00:39:23,294 --> 00:39:27,594 Love, love, love, like it has to be 619 00:39:27,698 --> 00:39:30,792 in love, love, love, love, love. 620 00:39:32,370 --> 00:39:33,803 Two ships in the night, 621 00:39:33,904 --> 00:39:35,565 became a cruise ship of delight, 622 00:39:35,673 --> 00:39:39,575 on an ocean of anomoniquity. 623 00:39:39,677 --> 00:39:41,508 The owl is on the prowl 624 00:39:41,612 --> 00:39:43,512 and though the pussycat did scowl. 625 00:39:43,614 --> 00:39:47,243 She winked her eye and said come sail with me. 626 00:39:53,023 --> 00:39:56,550 And then it's love, love, love. 627 00:39:56,660 --> 00:40:01,597 So delightfully it's love, love, love, love, love. 628 00:40:01,699 --> 00:40:05,601 Love, love, love it's so right for me 629 00:40:05,703 --> 00:40:09,571 in love, love, love, love, love. 630 00:40:09,673 --> 00:40:13,131 Love, love, love. 631 00:40:13,244 --> 00:40:17,476 Love, love, love. 632 00:40:17,581 --> 00:40:21,745 Love, love, love... 633 00:40:22,853 --> 00:40:26,345 You know I actually wanted to be a dancer at one point. 634 00:40:26,457 --> 00:40:27,788 Really? 635 00:40:27,892 --> 00:40:30,884 I was a theatre major, couldn't deal with Bohemia, 636 00:40:30,995 --> 00:40:33,361 such a messy lifestyle, very, very messy. 637 00:40:33,464 --> 00:40:34,431 What are you doing? 638 00:40:34,532 --> 00:40:35,499 What are you doing? 639 00:40:35,599 --> 00:40:38,363 When was your last relationship? 640 00:40:38,469 --> 00:40:43,099 Um, by relationship what exactly do you mean? 641 00:40:46,177 --> 00:40:49,613 Your last boyfriend, lover, homosexual lifetime... 642 00:40:49,713 --> 00:40:51,408 commitment partner companion? 643 00:40:54,185 --> 00:40:55,982 I've never really had a long term one. 644 00:40:56,086 --> 00:41:00,489 No one's really held my interest for that long, you know? 645 00:41:00,591 --> 00:41:02,422 Great. 646 00:41:02,526 --> 00:41:05,324 No, wait a minute, wait a minute, now. 647 00:41:07,031 --> 00:41:09,261 You know when I was a kid I figured I'd grow up, 648 00:41:09,366 --> 00:41:10,958 meet a nice guy, have a big wedding. 649 00:41:11,068 --> 00:41:15,095 It all had to be a certain way, you know. 650 00:41:15,206 --> 00:41:17,697 Like in the movies I'd seen. 651 00:41:17,808 --> 00:41:19,503 Yeah, me too. 652 00:41:19,610 --> 00:41:21,578 You know, I'd always watch those movies and I'd superimpose... 653 00:41:21,679 --> 00:41:23,670 myself over the man and then the woman, 654 00:41:23,781 --> 00:41:25,840 you know, I'd go back and forth. 655 00:41:25,950 --> 00:41:28,976 Like in one scene I'd be Julia Roberts and then in the next... 656 00:41:29,086 --> 00:41:32,578 scene I'd be, you know like Julia Roberts. 657 00:41:34,725 --> 00:41:36,249 Really? 658 00:41:36,360 --> 00:41:38,021 I'm Meg Ryan. 659 00:41:38,128 --> 00:41:40,028 Hi Meg. 660 00:41:40,130 --> 00:41:41,688 Yeah, you're blonde. 661 00:41:43,868 --> 00:41:45,768 Ah, Julia come on. 662 00:41:47,505 --> 00:41:49,871 Hey, you ever gone gay two stepping over... 663 00:41:49,974 --> 00:41:51,635 at the Big Apple Rodeo in Midtown? 664 00:41:51,742 --> 00:41:53,972 Two stepping, no I can barely one step. 665 00:41:54,078 --> 00:41:55,841 What do you wear to something like that? 666 00:42:00,551 --> 00:42:02,576 Oh my God, it's ho-down. 667 00:42:14,665 --> 00:42:15,996 All right come here, come here, come here. 668 00:42:16,100 --> 00:42:17,192 I don't know how to do this. 669 00:42:17,301 --> 00:42:19,201 Relax, okay, it's really easy. 670 00:42:19,303 --> 00:42:23,433 All you do, okay look at this, you go, quick quick step, step. 671 00:42:23,541 --> 00:42:25,634 Quick, quick step, step, exactly. 672 00:42:25,743 --> 00:42:27,608 It's just a repetition of the same move except we're... 673 00:42:27,711 --> 00:42:29,110 going to be going that way, all right? 674 00:42:29,213 --> 00:42:30,510 - Okay. - Ready, here we go. 675 00:42:30,614 --> 00:42:33,105 And quick, quick step. Good. 676 00:42:33,217 --> 00:42:34,411 Quick, quick, exactly. 677 00:42:34,518 --> 00:42:34,882 Ow! 678 00:42:34,985 --> 00:42:36,680 I'm sorry, oh, I'm sorry. 679 00:42:36,787 --> 00:42:39,654 It's okay, sorry, let's keep going all right? 680 00:42:40,724 --> 00:42:42,692 I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 681 00:42:42,793 --> 00:42:47,389 It's all right, look you'll get the hang of it, all right. 682 00:42:47,498 --> 00:42:49,022 Let's just keep going, here we go. 683 00:42:49,133 --> 00:42:51,727 Here we go, and quick, quick step. 684 00:42:51,835 --> 00:42:52,597 Good. 685 00:42:54,171 --> 00:42:55,069 That's good. 686 00:42:56,707 --> 00:42:58,538 Hey, Steve. 687 00:42:58,642 --> 00:43:01,110 Hey, Andy. 688 00:43:01,211 --> 00:43:04,840 This is uh... Adam. 689 00:43:04,949 --> 00:43:07,975 Looks like someone's having a little bit of trouble here. 690 00:43:08,085 --> 00:43:11,680 Yeah, well I'm Jewish, you know give me a bottle dance... 691 00:43:11,789 --> 00:43:12,983 and I'm fine. 692 00:43:13,090 --> 00:43:16,958 Well, I teach private lessons, so if you ever want to take it... 693 00:43:17,061 --> 00:43:20,394 seriously at all, you just let me know. 694 00:43:20,497 --> 00:43:23,022 Actually, Andy is a really great instructor. 695 00:43:23,133 --> 00:43:26,830 Not that you ever needed any instructing. 696 00:43:26,937 --> 00:43:29,064 Your dancing's not bad either. 697 00:43:29,173 --> 00:43:31,403 Shalom cowboy... 698 00:43:41,352 --> 00:43:43,479 Oh my God, I'm terrible at this. 699 00:43:43,587 --> 00:43:46,249 No, you just started, now come on, try and relax. 700 00:43:46,357 --> 00:43:47,585 All right, here we go. 701 00:43:56,000 --> 00:43:59,959 Now, this is much better. 702 00:44:02,006 --> 00:44:03,837 This is just like any slow song. 703 00:44:03,941 --> 00:44:06,876 That's right, except in heels. 704 00:44:10,414 --> 00:44:12,439 I tried to be a good dancer once. 705 00:44:12,549 --> 00:44:14,039 What happened? 706 00:44:14,151 --> 00:44:17,518 Have you ever been to a sober dance? 707 00:44:17,621 --> 00:44:20,749 I hate to point this out but dancing is 90% beer. 708 00:44:22,760 --> 00:44:25,285 What about dirty dancing? 709 00:44:30,768 --> 00:44:32,030 Wow, you're in a mood. 710 00:44:32,136 --> 00:44:33,569 You're like a different person tonight. 711 00:44:33,671 --> 00:44:37,038 Well, I'm happy. I'm dating someone. 712 00:44:39,743 --> 00:44:41,438 That guy Andy is really hot. 713 00:44:42,379 --> 00:44:43,710 I guess. 714 00:44:43,814 --> 00:44:47,875 But uh... he's not my boyfriend. 715 00:44:49,820 --> 00:44:50,878 You are. 716 00:44:55,292 --> 00:45:00,320 Never did I know I'd feel the way I do. 717 00:45:00,431 --> 00:45:05,425 You changed my life in so many ways. 718 00:45:05,536 --> 00:45:09,632 And the moment that we kissed, you showed me... 719 00:45:13,243 --> 00:45:14,710 You sure he said boyfriend? 720 00:45:14,812 --> 00:45:17,804 He didn't say, boy do I need a friend? 721 00:45:17,915 --> 00:45:19,246 Yeah, I don't know what to say to him. 722 00:45:19,349 --> 00:45:22,546 You know I look at him sometimes and I have these feelings like... 723 00:45:22,653 --> 00:45:25,713 I cherish him, but then I always feel like I'm waiting... 724 00:45:25,823 --> 00:45:28,053 for the other shoe to drop like it always has. 725 00:45:28,158 --> 00:45:31,525 He seems to be moving awfully fast for a psychiatrist. 726 00:45:31,628 --> 00:45:34,722 I mean the whole idea of this romantic myth stuff is a recipe... 727 00:45:34,832 --> 00:45:37,392 for disaster, he's a shrink, he should know this. 728 00:45:37,501 --> 00:45:39,128 Yeah, he is a shrink. 729 00:45:39,236 --> 00:45:42,228 I think he knows more about this stuff than us. 730 00:45:42,339 --> 00:45:44,830 He has a degree, we just have Oprah. 731 00:45:46,143 --> 00:45:48,373 Oprah has made it impossible for me to have a close... 732 00:45:48,479 --> 00:45:51,880 relationship with anyone, besides Oprah. 733 00:45:51,982 --> 00:45:55,247 He's so normal and I'm just, I'm such a freak. 734 00:45:57,187 --> 00:45:58,518 We're really different. 735 00:45:58,622 --> 00:46:00,055 I think that's good. 736 00:46:00,157 --> 00:46:03,718 The thing about you gay guys is that you're just obsessed... 737 00:46:03,827 --> 00:46:05,522 with finding carbon copies of yourself. 738 00:46:05,629 --> 00:46:08,621 At least with guys and girls we know we'll never figure... 739 00:46:08,732 --> 00:46:12,224 each other out so we just say, "Oh, he's just being a man" 740 00:46:12,336 --> 00:46:14,804 or "Oh, she's just on the rag." 741 00:46:14,905 --> 00:46:16,463 I guess. 742 00:46:17,841 --> 00:46:19,638 Have you had a fight yet? 743 00:46:19,743 --> 00:46:20,675 No. 744 00:46:22,746 --> 00:46:24,304 Is that weird? 745 00:46:24,414 --> 00:46:27,178 Well you do have some things in common, 746 00:46:27,284 --> 00:46:29,878 he 'two-steps' and you 'twelve-step'. 747 00:46:32,723 --> 00:46:35,487 You know maybe your comedy is like my love life. 748 00:46:35,592 --> 00:46:39,494 You know if you stop trying so hard it will come, you know? 749 00:46:39,596 --> 00:46:44,898 But fat jokes are my forte and being fat is the only... 750 00:46:45,002 --> 00:46:47,266 funny thing that ever happened to me. 751 00:46:49,306 --> 00:46:53,709 It's the only... thing some idiot off the street... 752 00:46:53,811 --> 00:46:55,870 would find interesting about me. 753 00:47:09,760 --> 00:47:11,159 Who are these for? 754 00:47:11,261 --> 00:47:14,719 My friends Jeff and Jeff are bringing their new foster child. 755 00:47:14,832 --> 00:47:16,493 Ah, kids. 756 00:47:16,600 --> 00:47:18,830 I saw some of those on TV once. 757 00:47:18,936 --> 00:47:21,302 Ever think about having kids? 758 00:47:21,405 --> 00:47:24,397 No, I already have one, myself. 759 00:47:24,508 --> 00:47:26,738 I love children. 760 00:47:26,844 --> 00:47:28,835 I can't imagine anybody not loving kids. 761 00:47:28,946 --> 00:47:30,174 Would you stop it? 762 00:47:30,647 --> 00:47:31,579 Come here. 763 00:47:35,085 --> 00:47:36,211 Hello. 764 00:47:36,320 --> 00:47:37,412 Hi! 765 00:47:40,524 --> 00:47:41,684 Hi. I'm Michael. 766 00:47:46,029 --> 00:47:48,691 So Steve tells me you used to be fat? 767 00:47:48,799 --> 00:47:51,393 Oh Adam told me you used to be short. 768 00:47:53,570 --> 00:47:57,529 Were you like fat or... circus fat? 769 00:47:58,876 --> 00:48:02,277 You know you really ought to be standing when you insult a lady. 770 00:48:02,379 --> 00:48:03,971 Oh, wait, you already are. 771 00:48:07,551 --> 00:48:08,882 What did you do with all that loose skin, 772 00:48:08,986 --> 00:48:12,285 did you like donate it to a burn unit or something? 773 00:48:12,389 --> 00:48:15,881 No, I gave it to the little people, the real little people, 774 00:48:15,993 --> 00:48:18,587 not the fake little people like you. 775 00:48:27,237 --> 00:48:28,363 Wow. 776 00:48:28,472 --> 00:48:30,303 Cute kid, huh? 777 00:48:31,875 --> 00:48:33,433 Wonder if she's gay. 778 00:48:35,946 --> 00:48:41,782 Look, I just wanted to let you know that I think it's cool... 779 00:48:41,885 --> 00:48:45,514 that you and Steve are hanging out and you know, 780 00:48:45,622 --> 00:48:48,147 doing your gay love thing. 781 00:48:48,258 --> 00:48:51,750 Awe, thanks Michael, that's sweet. 782 00:48:51,862 --> 00:48:53,022 Yeah. 783 00:48:55,832 --> 00:49:01,998 I just, you know before he met you he was such a whore. 784 00:49:02,105 --> 00:49:04,699 Sorry, whore's get paid. 785 00:49:04,808 --> 00:49:06,867 He was a slut. 786 00:49:06,977 --> 00:49:11,073 He used to go to like the gym every night and just go in... 787 00:49:11,181 --> 00:49:13,877 the shower and hook up with like hundreds of guys, 788 00:49:13,984 --> 00:49:17,078 like the hottest guys in New York for the taking. 789 00:49:17,187 --> 00:49:21,647 To be honest with you, I can never really understand... 790 00:49:21,758 --> 00:49:26,422 why he would like give up all that easy lovemaking, 791 00:49:26,530 --> 00:49:28,191 but you know I understand that you, 792 00:49:28,298 --> 00:49:31,426 you know guys want equal rights, so. 793 00:49:35,973 --> 00:49:37,804 Your best friend is cute. 794 00:49:39,509 --> 00:49:41,272 She's kind of a bitch though, right? 795 00:49:42,846 --> 00:49:44,074 Yeah. 796 00:49:47,851 --> 00:49:49,045 What time do your folks get in? 797 00:49:49,152 --> 00:49:50,847 They should be here in about an hour. 798 00:49:50,954 --> 00:49:52,649 Did you put away Michael's porn? 799 00:49:52,756 --> 00:49:53,745 Yeah. 800 00:49:53,857 --> 00:49:55,017 Did you put away Michael? 801 00:49:55,125 --> 00:49:58,185 He's at a three stooges convention at the Javitz Center. 802 00:49:58,295 --> 00:50:00,092 Oh, I hope they like me. 803 00:50:00,197 --> 00:50:02,256 Honey, you'll be fine. 804 00:50:02,366 --> 00:50:04,391 They're the ones that should be worried about what you think, 805 00:50:04,501 --> 00:50:05,866 they're entering our world. 806 00:50:05,969 --> 00:50:07,231 When you're a born again Christian... 807 00:50:07,337 --> 00:50:08,565 your world follows you. 808 00:50:08,672 --> 00:50:10,230 Yeah, but they're not that religious anymore. 809 00:50:10,340 --> 00:50:12,399 Look, I've been out for ten years, 810 00:50:12,509 --> 00:50:14,136 they've had plenty of time to get used to the idea... 811 00:50:14,244 --> 00:50:16,735 that eventually I'd meet somebody, huh? 812 00:50:23,453 --> 00:50:26,251 Ew, Fags! 813 00:50:28,025 --> 00:50:32,621 Welcome to the West Village asshole, better get used to it! 814 00:50:40,704 --> 00:50:41,671 Asshole. 815 00:50:49,446 --> 00:50:53,041 You know, Jesus was a Jew. 816 00:50:53,150 --> 00:50:55,744 That's right, he sure was. 817 00:50:55,852 --> 00:50:58,753 Uh, would anybody care for some wine? 818 00:50:58,855 --> 00:51:00,186 That would be delightful. 819 00:51:00,290 --> 00:51:02,656 Open that box of Zinfandel we brought. 820 00:51:05,495 --> 00:51:07,554 Show him what we bought at the airport. 821 00:51:13,437 --> 00:51:17,203 Now it's not for dinner, it's just for decoration. 822 00:51:17,307 --> 00:51:22,711 It was made from actual ceramic chips recovered from the site. 823 00:51:22,813 --> 00:51:23,939 Here we go. 824 00:51:24,047 --> 00:51:28,143 Mom, dad, here we are. 825 00:51:28,251 --> 00:51:29,548 Don't you want some? 826 00:51:29,653 --> 00:51:31,518 Oh, no I'm an alcoholic. 827 00:51:32,656 --> 00:51:34,146 He's in recovery. 828 00:51:37,828 --> 00:51:39,796 Excuse us for a minute, mom, dad. 829 00:51:41,598 --> 00:51:43,498 I feel like I have a sign under my neck that reads, 830 00:51:43,600 --> 00:51:45,067 "I eat your son's ass". 831 00:51:45,168 --> 00:51:48,626 Look, stop it, just act like you normally do, okay? 832 00:51:48,738 --> 00:51:50,535 We have to show them that there's nothing wrong with being gay. 833 00:51:50,640 --> 00:51:53,803 Look, they're in New York now, not Texas. 834 00:51:53,910 --> 00:51:57,175 Good lordy these windows are so big! 835 00:51:57,280 --> 00:51:59,214 I feel like I could just fall right out. 836 00:51:59,316 --> 00:52:02,183 Not exactly a ton of privacy though is there? 837 00:52:08,458 --> 00:52:14,090 Mom, dad, I just wanted to say that normally Adam and I are... 838 00:52:14,197 --> 00:52:20,102 very affectionate with each other and we don't feel that... 839 00:52:20,203 --> 00:52:25,038 it would be fair to us, or really to you if we behaved in a way... 840 00:52:25,142 --> 00:52:30,705 that somehow demonstrated that we are in any way ashamed... 841 00:52:30,814 --> 00:52:33,681 of our feelings for each other. 842 00:52:33,783 --> 00:52:36,377 I think it's important that we express our normal healthy... 843 00:52:36,486 --> 00:52:39,944 affection for each other in your presence. 844 00:52:41,091 --> 00:52:44,583 Right? And um, um... 845 00:52:46,062 --> 00:52:48,030 Well, I just wanted to say that. 846 00:52:50,834 --> 00:52:52,392 Oh, well. 847 00:52:52,502 --> 00:52:57,804 Don't not be ya'lls usual selves, just cause we're here! 848 00:52:59,209 --> 00:53:00,176 Yes. 849 00:53:01,578 --> 00:53:03,205 We're all grown ups here. 850 00:53:13,023 --> 00:53:15,583 Ew, fags! 851 00:53:18,795 --> 00:53:20,660 So how would a person find curtains for... 852 00:53:20,764 --> 00:53:23,631 a window so big, son? 853 00:53:24,434 --> 00:53:30,634 Well, you know, New York is a very big city so... 854 00:53:30,740 --> 00:53:33,231 Cornholers!! 855 00:53:37,847 --> 00:53:40,008 How's that wine, any left? 856 00:53:40,116 --> 00:53:42,243 We don't have any more boxes of wine, 857 00:53:42,352 --> 00:53:44,343 I can open an actual bottle. 858 00:53:44,454 --> 00:53:46,854 Cocksuckers!! 859 00:53:49,159 --> 00:53:51,184 Cock screw's right there on the counter. 860 00:53:51,695 --> 00:53:52,627 Cork! 861 00:53:54,965 --> 00:53:56,330 Got it, right here. 862 00:54:05,842 --> 00:54:06,900 Oh. 863 00:54:14,217 --> 00:54:17,653 Ah, I'm never having sex again. 864 00:54:17,754 --> 00:54:19,312 No, they'll be fine. 865 00:54:19,422 --> 00:54:20,650 No, they really liked you. 866 00:54:22,559 --> 00:54:25,585 As your dad was leaving he told me I was going to hell. 867 00:54:25,695 --> 00:54:28,425 Yeah, well he only tries to save the people he likes. 868 00:54:30,166 --> 00:54:31,827 How come you never talk about your family? 869 00:54:31,935 --> 00:54:34,995 What are they, in the witness protection program or something? 870 00:54:35,105 --> 00:54:37,938 Uh, my family is really weird. 871 00:54:39,342 --> 00:54:41,503 They're not lucky. 872 00:54:41,611 --> 00:54:43,943 Adam, there's no such thing as luck, okay? 873 00:54:44,047 --> 00:54:45,912 Ah, yeah, there is. 874 00:54:47,484 --> 00:54:49,384 Listen if you want to meet them you can... 875 00:54:49,486 --> 00:54:51,545 come with me to Hannukah dinner in a few months. 876 00:54:53,657 --> 00:54:54,749 If you still like me. 877 00:54:56,993 --> 00:54:58,483 If I still like you? 878 00:55:00,430 --> 00:55:02,898 Yeah, I know I'm just making an assumption there. 879 00:55:04,768 --> 00:55:07,464 Adam, come on. 880 00:55:09,272 --> 00:55:10,899 I more than like you. 881 00:55:15,912 --> 00:55:17,675 - Adam... - I love you. 882 00:55:17,781 --> 00:55:20,579 You just had to say it first, didn't you? 883 00:55:20,684 --> 00:55:24,780 I'm sorry, it's easier for me to say it than to hear it. 884 00:55:24,888 --> 00:55:28,847 Adam, I love you. 885 00:55:28,958 --> 00:55:31,290 I love you. 886 00:55:32,562 --> 00:55:36,020 I love, I love, I love, love, love you... 887 00:55:40,036 --> 00:55:43,199 Adam, I do, I love you. 888 00:56:03,960 --> 00:56:07,361 Hey, it's Steve, I am ridiculously in love 889 00:56:07,464 --> 00:56:09,022 and therefore extremely unreachable, 890 00:56:09,132 --> 00:56:11,930 but leave a message and I'll get back to you. 891 00:56:35,392 --> 00:56:38,884 All right, this next comic used to be really fat. 892 00:56:38,995 --> 00:56:40,895 Which means now her pussy's probably really tight because 893 00:56:40,997 --> 00:56:43,522 no one's ever been in there. 894 00:56:43,633 --> 00:56:45,294 She's the hottest female comic this side of... 895 00:56:45,402 --> 00:56:48,701 I can't think of any hot female comics. 896 00:56:48,805 --> 00:56:51,433 But even if you don't think she's funny, and she's not, 897 00:56:51,541 --> 00:56:55,068 then just turn her around and look upon Rhonda Gernan... 898 00:56:55,178 --> 00:56:57,669 and her amazing heart shaped ass. 899 00:57:06,289 --> 00:57:07,779 Thank you. Wow. 900 00:57:07,891 --> 00:57:09,222 You know, Lou, I always knew you were crazy, 901 00:57:09,325 --> 00:57:13,523 but in those pants I can see your nuts and they're sad. 902 00:57:13,630 --> 00:57:17,066 They're sad because there's no one up there. 903 00:57:17,167 --> 00:57:20,694 No pork, just beans. 904 00:57:20,804 --> 00:57:23,602 No sausage for your country breakfast. 905 00:57:24,941 --> 00:57:27,136 No condiments for your meat. 906 00:57:28,645 --> 00:57:32,445 No relish, no sauce. 907 00:57:32,549 --> 00:57:35,040 Lou's so small. Ask me how small he is? 908 00:57:35,785 --> 00:57:37,150 How small is he? 909 00:57:37,253 --> 00:57:38,880 Lou's so small his last girlfriend... 910 00:57:38,988 --> 00:57:40,683 was a pencil sharpener. 911 00:57:42,559 --> 00:57:44,049 Lou's so small he doesn't get crabs, 912 00:57:44,160 --> 00:57:45,320 he dates them. 913 00:57:47,096 --> 00:57:50,793 Lou's so small if he were a drink he'd be a no pi�a colada. 914 00:57:52,402 --> 00:57:53,835 Knock, knock. 915 00:57:53,937 --> 00:57:55,097 Who's there? 916 00:57:57,540 --> 00:58:00,338 Oh, I don't see anything, I guess it's Lou's penis. 917 00:58:05,381 --> 00:58:07,611 Well obviously there's one man in the audience... 918 00:58:07,717 --> 00:58:09,617 who's secure enough with his masculinity... 919 00:58:09,719 --> 00:58:11,380 to laugh at my jokes. 920 00:58:21,965 --> 00:58:23,660 Hey. Thanks for coming. 921 00:58:23,766 --> 00:58:24,755 Oh yeah. 922 00:58:24,868 --> 00:58:26,301 And laughing. 923 00:58:26,402 --> 00:58:28,302 Yeah, hi. 924 00:58:30,707 --> 00:58:32,971 You're, you're funny. 925 00:58:33,076 --> 00:58:35,544 I just got fired. 926 00:58:35,645 --> 00:58:38,546 All Lou did was complement you on your ass, 927 00:58:38,648 --> 00:58:40,445 why did you make fun of him? 928 00:58:40,550 --> 00:58:42,518 Because in this heart shaped ass is an asshole... 929 00:58:42,619 --> 00:58:44,814 which is, I guess, what I am. 930 00:58:46,189 --> 00:58:47,156 Gross. 931 00:58:47,257 --> 00:58:50,226 It's good to see you have fun with Gloria Steinam here. 932 00:58:56,533 --> 00:58:59,161 You know I'm not with her, she just sat next to me. 933 00:58:59,269 --> 00:59:00,293 I'm not your mother. 934 00:59:00,403 --> 00:59:01,495 Oh, well you kind of look like her. 935 00:59:02,672 --> 00:59:04,037 Well, that's good. 936 00:59:04,140 --> 00:59:08,600 I'm late I've got to go stare into a black hole. 937 00:59:08,711 --> 00:59:10,838 You know I don't see Steve as often as I used to... 938 00:59:10,947 --> 00:59:12,881 ever since he hooked up with Adam. 939 00:59:12,982 --> 00:59:15,712 I think they're completely wrong for each other. 940 00:59:15,818 --> 00:59:17,217 Don't you agree? 941 00:59:17,320 --> 00:59:18,878 Oh, come on their fags! 942 00:59:18,988 --> 00:59:20,512 You know how it is. 943 00:59:20,623 --> 00:59:22,955 Besides I think it's good, Adam's luck has completely 944 00:59:23,059 --> 00:59:26,893 changed since they met. Why am I talking to you? 945 00:59:28,798 --> 00:59:30,698 Hey, you want to get a drink or something? 946 00:59:30,800 --> 00:59:32,563 Like, it's so early. 947 00:59:34,203 --> 00:59:35,966 You want to get a hot totty? 948 00:59:36,072 --> 00:59:37,869 I try not to drink. 949 00:59:37,974 --> 00:59:40,670 You don't get thirsty? You know your body is 90% water. 950 00:59:40,777 --> 00:59:42,369 Booze, it's the carbs! 951 00:59:42,478 --> 00:59:43,809 Oh, right. 952 00:59:46,015 --> 00:59:48,142 Are there carbohydrates in pot? 953 00:59:59,829 --> 01:00:01,091 Oh. 954 01:00:01,197 --> 01:00:03,290 Wow, public access. 955 01:00:04,901 --> 01:00:06,664 Do you believe they get away with that? 956 01:00:15,845 --> 01:00:19,838 Oh, hey look, American Movie Classics. 957 01:00:19,949 --> 01:00:22,713 You like that don't you? 958 01:00:22,819 --> 01:00:24,787 Isn't it funny how the only requirements for them to be... 959 01:00:24,887 --> 01:00:27,913 a classic is that it be over 40 years old. 960 01:00:28,024 --> 01:00:30,151 I never thought of that. 961 01:00:34,364 --> 01:00:35,661 You're funny. 962 01:00:37,800 --> 01:00:39,324 Funny lady. 963 01:00:39,435 --> 01:00:40,732 Oh my God, I love that movie. 964 01:00:40,837 --> 01:00:43,601 Oh my God me too, Steve makes me watch it all the time, 965 01:00:43,706 --> 01:00:49,702 except I think 'Funny Girl' is much more satisfying. 966 01:00:49,812 --> 01:00:52,337 Well, I think that's the common opinion. 967 01:00:52,448 --> 01:00:54,109 Yeah, that's the common opinion... 968 01:01:03,860 --> 01:01:05,191 Mmmm. 969 01:01:05,294 --> 01:01:06,784 I've got the munchies. 970 01:01:26,549 --> 01:01:28,983 My God what are you doing, I can't eat that! 971 01:01:29,085 --> 01:01:32,646 Oh, you can't have one pie? 972 01:01:32,755 --> 01:01:34,848 No I can't have one pie! 973 01:01:34,957 --> 01:01:37,050 One pie is like an appetizer to me. 974 01:01:37,160 --> 01:01:39,458 I eat that, I unleash the beast! 975 01:01:42,465 --> 01:01:45,764 Well then come on Rhonda, unleash the beast! 976 01:02:24,540 --> 01:02:25,666 I had a slip. 977 01:02:34,417 --> 01:02:35,975 - Thanks gents, have a good night. - Thank you. 978 01:02:40,556 --> 01:02:41,716 All right, okay. 979 01:02:44,694 --> 01:02:47,993 Ah, you know I don't think this is such a good idea. 980 01:02:48,097 --> 01:02:50,691 What is the big deal? Look you met my parents... 981 01:02:50,800 --> 01:02:52,358 I want to meet yours. 982 01:02:52,468 --> 01:02:53,594 All I'm saying is that they're... 983 01:02:53,703 --> 01:02:56,137 I know, I know they're not lucky. 984 01:02:56,239 --> 01:02:58,139 They're kind of cursed. 985 01:02:58,241 --> 01:03:00,937 Well if they're anything as dramatic as their son Adam, 986 01:03:01,043 --> 01:03:03,341 focus, okay, relax. 987 01:03:03,446 --> 01:03:05,277 You always exaggerate everything. 988 01:03:05,381 --> 01:03:06,370 Go. 989 01:03:06,482 --> 01:03:08,313 Go in! 990 01:03:08,417 --> 01:03:09,281 Okay? 991 01:03:09,385 --> 01:03:10,545 Go, it's okay. 992 01:03:17,593 --> 01:03:18,958 Hello. 993 01:03:19,061 --> 01:03:20,790 We're here. 994 01:03:20,897 --> 01:03:22,797 Welcome home! 995 01:03:26,602 --> 01:03:30,299 Darn it, we just replaced that thing last week. 996 01:03:30,406 --> 01:03:31,703 Happy Hannukah. 997 01:03:42,185 --> 01:03:43,277 Whoa! 998 01:03:45,454 --> 01:03:46,443 You must be Steve. 999 01:03:46,556 --> 01:03:47,284 Hi. 1000 01:03:47,390 --> 01:03:49,483 Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome. 1001 01:03:49,592 --> 01:03:55,292 I'm Adam's father, I'm Norm and this is Sherry and this is... 1002 01:03:55,398 --> 01:03:57,059 our beautiful daughter Ruth. 1003 01:03:57,166 --> 01:03:58,929 Hi, it's so nice to meet... Ooh! 1004 01:03:59,035 --> 01:04:02,027 Uh-oh, did you bite your tongue again sweetie? 1005 01:04:02,138 --> 01:04:03,162 Mm-hmm. 1006 01:04:04,307 --> 01:04:05,774 Hi. 1007 01:04:05,875 --> 01:04:08,708 Hi, Ruth, Mr., Mrs. Bernstein. 1008 01:04:08,811 --> 01:04:10,335 Thank you for having me. 1009 01:04:11,681 --> 01:04:14,980 Please call me Sherry, any boyfriend of Adam's... 1010 01:04:15,084 --> 01:04:16,847 is a boyfriend of mine. 1011 01:04:16,953 --> 01:04:18,682 And that's right. 1012 01:04:18,788 --> 01:04:20,483 It's getting a little rare having this one come around... 1013 01:04:20,590 --> 01:04:22,319 and visit us once in awhile. 1014 01:04:22,425 --> 01:04:23,790 I think he's just a little embarrassed... 1015 01:04:23,893 --> 01:04:25,861 about the Bernstein curse. 1016 01:04:25,962 --> 01:04:28,931 Dad, there is no such thing. 1017 01:04:34,203 --> 01:04:36,364 You like that? Are you enjoying? 1018 01:04:36,472 --> 01:04:37,837 Mmm. 1019 01:04:37,940 --> 01:04:39,271 Steve, matza? 1020 01:04:39,375 --> 01:04:41,172 Oh, yes, thank you very much sir. 1021 01:04:42,912 --> 01:04:43,810 Thank you. 1022 01:04:51,053 --> 01:04:52,748 Seven more. 1023 01:04:52,855 --> 01:04:54,652 I thought that was shatter proof. 1024 01:04:54,757 --> 01:04:56,019 All right. 1025 01:04:56,125 --> 01:04:57,353 I'm sorry, I just have to ask this, 1026 01:04:57,460 --> 01:05:00,588 but are all of you okay with this? 1027 01:05:00,696 --> 01:05:03,324 Well, I used to charge people a quarter... 1028 01:05:03,432 --> 01:05:05,093 every time they asked us that question, 1029 01:05:05,201 --> 01:05:06,725 but nobody could afford it. 1030 01:05:06,836 --> 01:05:08,997 Lowered it to a nickel and it still broke practically... 1031 01:05:09,105 --> 01:05:10,868 everybody's bank. 1032 01:05:10,973 --> 01:05:14,101 Happiness is accepting life on life's terms. 1033 01:05:14,210 --> 01:05:17,304 You know I mean no matter what they happen to be. 1034 01:05:17,413 --> 01:05:21,372 You just do your best with what you've been given. 1035 01:05:21,484 --> 01:05:24,248 Till we found out we were luck challenged, 1036 01:05:24,353 --> 01:05:27,652 we thought there was a poltergeist or something. 1037 01:05:27,757 --> 01:05:30,624 We were on 'In Search Of' in the 70s... 1038 01:05:30,726 --> 01:05:32,284 you know, with Spock. 1039 01:05:32,395 --> 01:05:35,489 Oh, we still have the tape, we'll show it to you... 1040 01:05:35,598 --> 01:05:36,963 after we light the menorah. 1041 01:05:37,934 --> 01:05:39,162 Mom, could we get through a Hannukah... 1042 01:05:39,268 --> 01:05:40,701 without watching that tape? 1043 01:05:40,803 --> 01:05:43,101 Adam just hates that tape, he was a real pizza face... 1044 01:05:43,205 --> 01:05:44,536 back then you know. 1045 01:05:44,640 --> 01:05:47,234 Too busy with all that white face paint to clear. 1046 01:05:47,343 --> 01:05:48,742 Anybody want coffee? 1047 01:05:51,380 --> 01:05:52,813 White face paint? 1048 01:05:52,915 --> 01:05:54,906 I was a goth in high school. 1049 01:05:56,519 --> 01:05:57,508 Who would like coffee? 1050 01:05:57,620 --> 01:05:58,917 Oh! 1051 01:05:59,021 --> 01:06:00,648 Well, we're out of coffee. 1052 01:06:05,461 --> 01:06:08,828 Uh, it's okay, it's kind of late for coffee anyway. 1053 01:06:11,300 --> 01:06:13,268 You know what? 1054 01:06:13,369 --> 01:06:17,032 Let's spin the draidle and open presents. 1055 01:06:17,139 --> 01:06:18,436 Yeah! 1056 01:06:20,409 --> 01:06:23,276 Well, now that you have a special friend 1057 01:06:23,379 --> 01:06:25,540 I want to see more of you around here. 1058 01:06:25,648 --> 01:06:26,444 Dad! 1059 01:06:26,549 --> 01:06:30,645 Steve is Adam's lover. God, you are so square. 1060 01:06:30,753 --> 01:06:36,783 Oh, it was such a pleasure to meet you Steve... oh, thank you. 1061 01:06:36,892 --> 01:06:42,489 I'm so happy that my Adam has found someone as nice as you. 1062 01:06:42,598 --> 01:06:45,897 Oh, Sherry, look thanks for making me feel so welcome, 1063 01:06:46,002 --> 01:06:48,129 and oh, for such an amazing meal. 1064 01:06:48,237 --> 01:06:50,137 Well, it was made with love. 1065 01:06:50,239 --> 01:06:51,570 You know, I hate to see you waste money 1066 01:06:51,674 --> 01:06:54,108 taking a taxi to the train station. 1067 01:06:54,210 --> 01:06:56,041 Don't you want us to give you a ride? 1068 01:06:56,145 --> 01:06:57,442 No! 1069 01:06:57,546 --> 01:06:59,241 Thank you, no. 1070 01:07:37,353 --> 01:07:38,911 I love you. 1071 01:07:53,436 --> 01:07:55,404 Why can't a lesbian diet and put on makeup... 1072 01:07:55,504 --> 01:07:56,835 at the same time? 1073 01:07:56,939 --> 01:07:57,963 I don't know, why? 1074 01:07:58,074 --> 01:08:01,510 Cause you can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face. 1075 01:08:04,647 --> 01:08:06,877 Does anyone know what mothballs smell like? 1076 01:08:06,982 --> 01:08:08,176 Yes. 1077 01:08:08,284 --> 01:08:11,879 Oh really, how did you get them to spread their little legs? 1078 01:08:14,890 --> 01:08:16,380 I have an audition for a lesbian cruise ship... 1079 01:08:16,492 --> 01:08:18,983 next week, very excited about it. 1080 01:08:19,095 --> 01:08:22,155 I like lesbians, lesbians like me. 1081 01:08:22,264 --> 01:08:24,698 Trying to cut down on the fat jokes though. 1082 01:08:24,800 --> 01:08:27,530 Mm, I still can't even imagine you fat. 1083 01:08:27,636 --> 01:08:30,264 Oh, I can, oh, honey, show Steve that photo of you. 1084 01:08:30,706 --> 01:08:31,229 No! 1085 01:08:31,941 --> 01:08:32,703 Yeah, come on. 1086 01:08:32,808 --> 01:08:35,902 No, I look like a Long Island blimp... 1087 01:08:36,011 --> 01:08:38,479 with a bad Chinese lady perm. 1088 01:08:38,581 --> 01:08:39,513 No. 1089 01:08:39,615 --> 01:08:42,914 Speaking of Long Island, you know we went to Long Island... 1090 01:08:43,018 --> 01:08:45,851 last week, we went to Adam's parents' house. 1091 01:08:45,955 --> 01:08:48,947 Oh my God, I was there once and a piece of space lab... 1092 01:08:49,058 --> 01:08:51,026 splashed down into their pool. 1093 01:08:51,127 --> 01:08:53,994 Oh my God! 1094 01:08:54,096 --> 01:08:55,961 Actually... 1095 01:08:58,868 --> 01:09:00,597 I'm going to ask Adam to marry me. 1096 01:09:00,703 --> 01:09:02,466 Oh my God! 1097 01:09:02,571 --> 01:09:03,833 You're going to marry him! 1098 01:09:03,939 --> 01:09:06,305 But you guys have only been going out for a couple months. 1099 01:09:06,408 --> 01:09:08,239 Actually it's almost been a year Michael, 1100 01:09:08,344 --> 01:09:10,403 besides my parents got married on the third date... 1101 01:09:10,513 --> 01:09:11,741 and they're still together. 1102 01:09:11,847 --> 01:09:13,508 Well you're only as monogamous as your options. 1103 01:09:13,616 --> 01:09:16,414 I mean your parents live in a trailer park in a field. 1104 01:09:16,519 --> 01:09:17,349 Excuse me! 1105 01:09:17,453 --> 01:09:20,013 Only as monogamous as their options! 1106 01:09:20,122 --> 01:09:22,784 You know it gets worse Michael, I'm going to ask him to move in. 1107 01:09:22,892 --> 01:09:24,450 Oh my God! 1108 01:09:25,327 --> 01:09:27,352 I knew this day was going to come. 1109 01:09:27,463 --> 01:09:30,193 You know you said you needed a place to crash for the night... 1110 01:09:30,299 --> 01:09:32,767 and you've been living on my couch for five years. 1111 01:09:32,868 --> 01:09:34,859 Jesus, Michael, be happy for them. 1112 01:09:36,939 --> 01:09:38,702 I think it's great. 1113 01:09:38,807 --> 01:09:40,638 He's going to flip out. 1114 01:09:40,743 --> 01:09:42,404 He really loves you. 1115 01:09:42,511 --> 01:09:44,570 I love him too, I do. 1116 01:09:46,315 --> 01:09:48,806 You know it's funny when I was a kid I just supposed I'd get 1117 01:09:48,918 --> 01:09:51,910 married like everybody else, but I don't know, 1118 01:09:52,021 --> 01:09:55,513 turned out I was gay and I just figured it wasn't in the cards. 1119 01:09:55,624 --> 01:09:58,058 But I mean I don't even know what I think of marriage anyway. 1120 01:09:58,160 --> 01:10:00,253 Sometimes I think it's a dying institution. 1121 01:10:00,362 --> 01:10:03,559 Yeah, well it is, then you fall in love. 1122 01:10:03,666 --> 01:10:04,655 Exactly. 1123 01:10:06,602 --> 01:10:08,160 Sometimes I look at him and I think, 1124 01:10:08,270 --> 01:10:11,364 this is not the person I was supposed to end up with, 1125 01:10:11,473 --> 01:10:16,137 but I don't know, somehow it's all okay. 1126 01:10:18,380 --> 01:10:20,109 So who gets to wear the dress? 1127 01:10:20,216 --> 01:10:21,410 You do. 1128 01:10:30,326 --> 01:10:31,350 Hi. 1129 01:10:31,460 --> 01:10:32,893 Hey, good lookin'. 1130 01:10:34,597 --> 01:10:35,586 Hey. 1131 01:10:35,698 --> 01:10:37,928 Wait a minute, come here, come here. 1132 01:10:43,939 --> 01:10:48,399 I um, I want to take you someplace. Okay? 1133 01:10:48,510 --> 01:10:50,273 Oh God, please don't tell me there's something... 1134 01:10:50,379 --> 01:10:51,846 called three stepping. 1135 01:10:52,848 --> 01:10:57,080 No, it's just my favorite place in the city. 1136 01:10:57,186 --> 01:10:58,118 You game? 1137 01:10:58,220 --> 01:10:59,448 Yeah. 1138 01:11:00,256 --> 01:11:01,917 - Let's go. - Okay. 1139 01:11:16,038 --> 01:11:17,767 The Brooklyn Bridge, that's your favorite place? 1140 01:11:17,873 --> 01:11:18,669 Uh huh. 1141 01:11:18,774 --> 01:11:21,572 Let's go, come on, come on! 1142 01:11:31,420 --> 01:11:33,445 God, I haven't been here in years, 1143 01:11:33,555 --> 01:11:36,456 it's getting harder to remember where the towers were, you know? 1144 01:11:37,726 --> 01:11:41,753 You were in New York on that day, what was it like? 1145 01:11:41,864 --> 01:11:47,234 Oh, I don't know, it was just crazy. 1146 01:11:47,336 --> 01:11:51,830 These are crazy times, makes things like, I don't know, 1147 01:11:51,940 --> 01:11:54,807 security, commitment, more important. 1148 01:12:01,650 --> 01:12:04,175 I can't believe that you brought me here. 1149 01:12:04,286 --> 01:12:07,414 My drug problem began on this very spot. 1150 01:12:07,523 --> 01:12:10,287 Well, no, actually it began at Danceateria, 1151 01:12:10,392 --> 01:12:11,984 this club in the 80's. 1152 01:12:12,094 --> 01:12:15,689 This go-go boy coke head with big old like Dee Snyder hair. 1153 01:12:15,798 --> 01:12:19,256 He was part of some dance troop, what was it called? 1154 01:12:19,368 --> 01:12:21,165 Oh, the Dazzle Dancers. 1155 01:12:21,270 --> 01:12:23,761 Well he fed me my first hit of blow and we went back to 1156 01:12:23,872 --> 01:12:29,435 my place and he shit right in front of me, all over my carpet. 1157 01:12:29,545 --> 01:12:32,105 Oh, my place looked like something out of 1158 01:12:32,214 --> 01:12:34,239 Willy Wonka after he left. 1159 01:12:36,251 --> 01:12:37,946 Oh, and he was singing some song from the... 1160 01:12:38,053 --> 01:12:39,918 what was it from? 1161 01:12:40,022 --> 01:12:43,014 Like the Sound of Music. 1162 01:12:45,828 --> 01:12:48,126 Oh my God, how could I have forgotten that? 1163 01:12:52,835 --> 01:12:55,360 Oh my God. 1164 01:12:55,471 --> 01:12:58,702 Oh my Jesus, oh my God. 1165 01:12:58,807 --> 01:13:00,468 Honey. 1166 01:13:00,576 --> 01:13:03,238 Oh my God. 1167 01:13:03,345 --> 01:13:07,714 I have to get out of here, all I can see is disaster. 1168 01:13:07,816 --> 01:13:09,078 No, disaster! 1169 01:13:10,252 --> 01:13:11,685 I need time to think Adam! 1170 01:13:11,787 --> 01:13:13,277 Time to think! 1171 01:13:13,389 --> 01:13:14,583 Think! 1172 01:13:20,195 --> 01:13:21,526 Where are you going? 1173 01:13:23,966 --> 01:13:26,093 So he just ran away yelling "disaster"? 1174 01:13:26,201 --> 01:13:26,997 Yeah. 1175 01:13:27,102 --> 01:13:28,660 We were talking about the World Trade Center... 1176 01:13:28,771 --> 01:13:30,739 and what happened and he just freaked out. 1177 01:13:32,040 --> 01:13:35,305 Well, he is a doctor in New York City. 1178 01:13:35,411 --> 01:13:37,845 He was in Province Town on 9/11. 1179 01:13:40,816 --> 01:13:42,477 Well, he'll call you when he's ready. 1180 01:13:42,584 --> 01:13:44,245 Everybody gets the jitters before. 1181 01:13:47,322 --> 01:13:49,290 Before what? 1182 01:13:49,391 --> 01:13:50,983 The next big terrorist attack. 1183 01:14:25,060 --> 01:14:25,651 Uh! 1184 01:14:25,761 --> 01:14:26,785 Oh!! 1185 01:14:29,231 --> 01:14:30,357 He just dumped me! 1186 01:14:30,466 --> 01:14:31,160 What! 1187 01:14:31,266 --> 01:14:32,028 In the shower. 1188 01:14:32,134 --> 01:14:33,624 Oh my God! 1189 01:14:33,735 --> 01:14:34,861 There ain't no God! 1190 01:14:34,970 --> 01:14:36,198 Did he say why? 1191 01:14:36,305 --> 01:14:38,034 Just that, he wasn't ready... 1192 01:14:38,140 --> 01:14:40,938 and he said I didn't really know who he was! 1193 01:14:41,043 --> 01:14:43,841 Oh my God, why is this happening? 1194 01:14:43,946 --> 01:14:45,777 It's the Bernstein curse! 1195 01:14:54,423 --> 01:14:57,483 You know, you date... 1196 01:14:57,593 --> 01:15:00,858 You look for the person who has the least amount of flaws... 1197 01:15:00,963 --> 01:15:02,555 and then you find someone who you think is about... 1198 01:15:02,664 --> 01:15:04,188 as perfect as you can get. 1199 01:15:04,299 --> 01:15:06,927 Oh, but of course there's no such thing as perfection. 1200 01:15:07,035 --> 01:15:09,595 Why do people project this image of themselves... 1201 01:15:09,705 --> 01:15:12,606 that's like completely opposite from who they are? 1202 01:15:12,708 --> 01:15:14,801 Maybe they're just afraid they won't be... 1203 01:15:14,910 --> 01:15:17,344 loved for who they really are. 1204 01:15:18,213 --> 01:15:19,441 But that's crazy. 1205 01:15:20,349 --> 01:15:24,877 I mean you come home one day and you think you know this person... 1206 01:15:24,987 --> 01:15:26,454 and then all of a sudden you realize you do not... 1207 01:15:26,555 --> 01:15:28,489 know this person from Adam. 1208 01:15:31,293 --> 01:15:32,487 I need to speak with Steven Hicks. 1209 01:15:32,594 --> 01:15:33,652 Are you one of his patients? 1210 01:15:33,762 --> 01:15:35,491 Don't make me go Shirley McClaine on you. 1211 01:15:35,597 --> 01:15:37,963 You better give that guy some closure or he's going to... 1212 01:15:38,066 --> 01:15:39,727 wind up in here in a body cast. 1213 01:15:39,835 --> 01:15:41,769 Look, look, I appreciate you standing up for your friend, 1214 01:15:41,870 --> 01:15:44,065 but I did give Adam closure, all right? 1215 01:15:44,172 --> 01:15:45,537 In a shower stall. 1216 01:15:45,641 --> 01:15:47,973 All right, okay, I admit it was perhaps a little abrupt... 1217 01:15:48,076 --> 01:15:49,304 but what in the world... 1218 01:15:49,411 --> 01:15:50,901 One minute you're telling me you want to marry him, 1219 01:15:51,013 --> 01:15:52,503 all that bullshit about commitment... 1220 01:15:52,614 --> 01:15:53,911 and you're a total slut. 1221 01:15:54,016 --> 01:15:55,643 Look, you don't understand the situation, okay? 1222 01:15:55,751 --> 01:15:57,412 There are things about me you just don't know, all right? 1223 01:15:57,519 --> 01:15:59,009 Like what? 1224 01:15:59,121 --> 01:16:02,579 Like... we just aren't right for each other. 1225 01:16:02,691 --> 01:16:03,680 We... 1226 01:16:03,792 --> 01:16:05,282 He doesn't really love me. 1227 01:16:05,394 --> 01:16:07,555 We were co-dependent and then... 1228 01:16:07,663 --> 01:16:09,096 There are things about being co-de, 1229 01:16:09,197 --> 01:16:12,530 it's called depending on another person. 1230 01:16:12,634 --> 01:16:15,034 You act like you're so grown up like you're so above it, 1231 01:16:15,137 --> 01:16:19,437 but you're an asshole and a baby. 1232 01:16:19,541 --> 01:16:22,476 You're an asshole who's also a baby! 1233 01:16:23,979 --> 01:16:27,779 I'm getting marriage advice from some gay whore, great. 1234 01:16:32,087 --> 01:16:33,452 All right, let me get this straight. 1235 01:16:34,556 --> 01:16:36,649 You meet Adam in 1987. 1236 01:16:37,726 --> 01:16:42,493 You turn him into a coke head and then you poop on him. 1237 01:16:43,765 --> 01:16:44,925 All in the same night? 1238 01:16:45,033 --> 01:16:46,728 It wasn't my fault. 1239 01:16:47,769 --> 01:16:50,203 It was cut with... 1240 01:16:50,305 --> 01:16:53,240 baby laxative. 1241 01:16:53,342 --> 01:16:56,834 I've had some bad dates but nothing like, 1242 01:16:56,945 --> 01:16:58,674 you know, biohazard. 1243 01:16:58,780 --> 01:17:00,714 How could we have dated for so long... 1244 01:17:00,816 --> 01:17:03,614 and never recognized each other? 1245 01:17:03,719 --> 01:17:06,916 Oh, it was the 80s, it was a long time ago. 1246 01:17:09,691 --> 01:17:13,320 You know you're like Simon LeBon, in a boat, 1247 01:17:13,428 --> 01:17:17,057 looking through the jungle for the cat lady and you know... 1248 01:17:17,165 --> 01:17:21,625 he was like the guy with a fiddle and the suspenders singing; 1249 01:17:21,737 --> 01:17:23,898 "Come On Eileen". 1250 01:17:28,777 --> 01:17:30,267 Or you could just... 1251 01:17:30,379 --> 01:17:32,472 You could tell him who you were. 1252 01:17:32,581 --> 01:17:35,744 No, no Michael. No, he can't find out. 1253 01:17:36,818 --> 01:17:40,345 Michael don't you dare say a word to him, or Rhonda. 1254 01:17:40,455 --> 01:17:42,150 Michael, do you hear me? 1255 01:17:49,665 --> 01:17:52,225 I told you, I don't know, I just know that he said... 1256 01:17:52,334 --> 01:17:53,358 Adam isn't the one. 1257 01:17:53,468 --> 01:17:54,901 - Michael. - What? 1258 01:17:55,437 --> 01:17:56,369 Michael. 1259 01:17:58,373 --> 01:18:01,570 Michael, is that the whole story? 1260 01:18:04,179 --> 01:18:06,773 Well, there's the other thing. 1261 01:18:08,216 --> 01:18:09,080 What? 1262 01:18:10,152 --> 01:18:12,643 What other thing, Michael. 1263 01:18:12,754 --> 01:18:15,120 About Adam and Steve. 1264 01:18:16,591 --> 01:18:19,958 It's kind of gross, I think I should tell you after dinner. 1265 01:18:21,697 --> 01:18:23,164 Why? 1266 01:18:23,265 --> 01:18:24,630 What do you know Michael? 1267 01:18:32,974 --> 01:18:35,534 Ahhhhh! 1268 01:18:36,645 --> 01:18:40,877 And uh, then he broke up with me... in the shower. 1269 01:18:44,619 --> 01:18:46,086 Steve was the go-go dancer! 1270 01:18:46,188 --> 01:18:47,485 Excuse me, this is a private meeting. 1271 01:18:47,589 --> 01:18:49,147 Silence, sober one! 1272 01:18:49,257 --> 01:18:50,690 What go-go dancer. 1273 01:18:50,792 --> 01:18:52,259 From Danceateria! 1274 01:18:52,360 --> 01:18:54,487 The Hershey squirtin' coke head! 1275 01:18:54,596 --> 01:18:57,963 Excuse me, you are challenging our serenity. 1276 01:18:58,066 --> 01:18:58,998 Shut up! 1277 01:18:59,101 --> 01:19:00,534 Wait, from the 80's? 1278 01:19:01,837 --> 01:19:03,134 Willy Wonka? 1279 01:19:05,640 --> 01:19:06,800 Oh, my God. 1280 01:19:07,242 --> 01:19:08,004 Oh, my God. 1281 01:19:09,711 --> 01:19:12,874 Adam! Steve loves you, he just can't get past his humiliation... 1282 01:19:12,981 --> 01:19:15,506 over the diarrhea thing and for turning you into... 1283 01:19:15,617 --> 01:19:17,278 some gay John Belushi. 1284 01:19:17,385 --> 01:19:19,512 That's why he broke up with you! 1285 01:19:19,621 --> 01:19:21,179 But that is crazy. 1286 01:19:21,289 --> 01:19:24,281 God, you're right, he is totally unaware for a shrink. 1287 01:19:24,392 --> 01:19:26,952 I'm telling you, they're like preacher's kids. 1288 01:19:27,062 --> 01:19:29,553 Cross talking is not allowed. 1289 01:19:29,664 --> 01:19:30,926 Mary, please! 1290 01:19:31,032 --> 01:19:32,829 He's so confused. 1291 01:19:32,934 --> 01:19:36,335 No, he's just an asshole and a baby. 1292 01:19:36,438 --> 01:19:38,929 He's a baby who's also an asshole. 1293 01:19:40,475 --> 01:19:42,443 - Where are you going? - Ah! 1294 01:19:48,517 --> 01:19:52,385 Adam, if you imagine it, you can achieve it. 1295 01:19:52,487 --> 01:19:55,320 If you dream it, you could become it. 1296 01:19:55,423 --> 01:20:01,692 They said the good ones are always taken. 1297 01:20:01,797 --> 01:20:06,894 But I know that that's not true. 1298 01:20:07,002 --> 01:20:12,907 Cause if the good ones are always taken, 1299 01:20:13,008 --> 01:20:19,106 then how, oh how did I find you? 1300 01:20:38,633 --> 01:20:39,861 Well... 1301 01:20:39,968 --> 01:20:43,699 you're walking down the street happy as a pig in mud. 1302 01:20:45,073 --> 01:20:46,404 Feeling simple and sweet... 1303 01:20:46,508 --> 01:20:48,635 like a heifer chewing her cud. 1304 01:20:50,679 --> 01:20:52,306 Now I don't want to burst your bubble... 1305 01:20:52,414 --> 01:20:54,143 and make you fret. 1306 01:20:55,750 --> 01:20:59,208 But I think that I smell trouble so watch your step. 1307 01:21:01,122 --> 01:21:05,650 If you're raring to go and hopping back in the saddle. 1308 01:21:06,428 --> 01:21:10,922 Next thing you know up a creek without a paddle. 1309 01:21:11,733 --> 01:21:16,363 If you think you want success and all its trappings. 1310 01:21:17,105 --> 01:21:21,201 But honey, life's a mess, shit happens. 1311 01:21:28,016 --> 01:21:32,077 They say that a life is just a bowl of cherries. 1312 01:21:33,021 --> 01:21:34,420 But they don't make greeting cards... 1313 01:21:34,522 --> 01:21:37,355 about dingleberries. 1314 01:21:38,593 --> 01:21:42,962 Now you're embarrassed and you won't let no one see you, 1315 01:21:43,832 --> 01:21:48,269 'cause they don't write love songs about diarrhea. 1316 01:21:49,337 --> 01:21:51,532 You've got a foot in tomorrow and foot in yesterday. 1317 01:21:51,640 --> 01:21:54,165 Not bad for a Dazzle Dancer. 1318 01:21:54,276 --> 01:21:55,800 You'll get nothing but sorrow... 1319 01:21:55,911 --> 01:21:59,347 cause you're crapping on today. 1320 01:22:00,015 --> 01:22:04,179 No matter what, you got to keep on laughing. 1321 01:22:05,120 --> 01:22:09,386 Just laugh with your mouth shut, cause shit happens. 1322 01:22:37,385 --> 01:22:39,717 You doing in it and you're barefoot stepping in it. 1323 01:22:39,821 --> 01:22:41,152 Thinking got a master plan, 1324 01:22:41,256 --> 01:22:42,518 then it all just hits the fan. 1325 01:22:42,624 --> 01:22:43,750 Life can throw you for a loop. 1326 01:22:43,858 --> 01:22:45,052 Then it covers you in poop. 1327 01:22:45,160 --> 01:22:47,856 Shit happens. Shit happens. 1328 01:22:47,963 --> 01:22:49,123 You ain't listening to me, 1329 01:22:49,230 --> 01:22:52,165 then my gums are just flapping. 1330 01:22:52,834 --> 01:22:57,828 The moral of this story, shit happens. 1331 01:22:58,873 --> 01:22:59,805 What? 1332 01:23:00,208 --> 01:23:01,004 Shit! 1333 01:23:01,476 --> 01:23:02,340 Huh? 1334 01:23:02,744 --> 01:23:04,006 Shit! 1335 01:23:04,112 --> 01:23:05,306 Can't hear you. 1336 01:23:05,413 --> 01:23:06,539 Shit! 1337 01:23:06,648 --> 01:23:08,946 Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! 1338 01:23:09,651 --> 01:23:12,142 Life's a game and you can win it even when you're knee deep in it. 1339 01:23:15,023 --> 01:23:16,149 Keep a fighting and scrappin'... 1340 01:23:16,257 --> 01:23:17,622 cause its spraying and splattin'... 1341 01:23:17,726 --> 01:23:19,990 shit happens. 1342 01:23:25,000 --> 01:23:25,625 Yeah! 1343 01:23:49,024 --> 01:23:51,720 Adam, Adam, wait up. 1344 01:23:51,826 --> 01:23:53,123 Adam, I'm sorry okay. 1345 01:23:53,228 --> 01:23:54,286 I have nothing to say to you. 1346 01:23:54,396 --> 01:23:57,661 Look, I felt like I created this cocaine monster and unleashed 1347 01:23:57,766 --> 01:24:00,326 him onto the gay community to wreak havoc on midgets. 1348 01:24:00,435 --> 01:24:03,563 Adam, look... I gave you your first bump of coke. 1349 01:24:03,671 --> 01:24:04,330 I... 1350 01:24:05,974 --> 01:24:08,534 I became incontinent in front of you. 1351 01:24:08,643 --> 01:24:10,110 Became incontinent? 1352 01:24:10,211 --> 01:24:12,008 God, you are such an old lady. 1353 01:24:12,113 --> 01:24:13,637 You're just embarrassed. 1354 01:24:13,748 --> 01:24:16,046 Yes, all right, yes I am. 1355 01:24:17,452 --> 01:24:19,317 I'd be happy to course through life having a lover who thought... 1356 01:24:19,421 --> 01:24:21,082 I never went to the bathroom at all. 1357 01:24:21,189 --> 01:24:22,986 Who thought that some little dove just came... 1358 01:24:23,091 --> 01:24:25,150 and swept it all away when I wasn't looking. 1359 01:24:26,461 --> 01:24:26,950 Wait. 1360 01:24:27,062 --> 01:24:28,723 What! What do you want? 1361 01:24:28,830 --> 01:24:30,798 I don't know, okay? 1362 01:24:30,899 --> 01:24:33,367 I don't want some open relationship like... 1363 01:24:33,468 --> 01:24:34,435 all the gay couples I know. 1364 01:24:34,536 --> 01:24:38,336 I don't want some, some gay version of the straight couples I see! 1365 01:24:39,574 --> 01:24:41,633 I don't see what I want anywhere. 1366 01:24:45,180 --> 01:24:47,045 Then just see me. 1367 01:24:48,650 --> 01:24:52,552 You know we're just us, we're not gay or straight... 1368 01:24:52,654 --> 01:24:55,145 or Julia or Meg, we're just two people... 1369 01:24:57,125 --> 01:24:58,615 Adam and Steve. 1370 01:25:01,329 --> 01:25:03,297 Maybe we should just accept the fact that neither of those... 1371 01:25:03,398 --> 01:25:05,423 people are relationship material. 1372 01:25:07,335 --> 01:25:10,361 That... they're both too damaged. 1373 01:25:10,472 --> 01:25:13,635 We're in our thirties, of course we're damaged. 1374 01:25:15,910 --> 01:25:17,309 And you know what? I am tired. 1375 01:25:17,412 --> 01:25:20,677 I am tired of fighting you and the whole world just so... 1376 01:25:20,782 --> 01:25:22,807 I could have something as radical and subversive... 1377 01:25:22,917 --> 01:25:24,680 as a fucking boyfriend. 1378 01:25:25,987 --> 01:25:27,352 Fuck you, Steve! 1379 01:25:28,423 --> 01:25:31,051 I may be damaged goods but I am goods nonetheless. 1380 01:25:48,743 --> 01:25:50,210 It's not my fault! 1381 01:25:50,311 --> 01:25:53,246 You wouldn't understand, she's a woman, they have their ways! 1382 01:25:53,348 --> 01:25:55,612 What, she hypnotized you with her feminine wiles? 1383 01:25:55,717 --> 01:25:59,050 Yes, yes, yes she did, she did actually! 1384 01:26:04,859 --> 01:26:05,757 What? 1385 01:26:05,860 --> 01:26:07,293 What was I supposed to do, Michael? 1386 01:26:08,696 --> 01:26:11,392 Every time he went to an AA meeting, I'd feel guilty. 1387 01:26:11,499 --> 01:26:14,832 Every time I used the bathroom he'd stare at me... 1388 01:26:14,936 --> 01:26:16,494 with a knowing look on his face. 1389 01:26:16,604 --> 01:26:17,832 Get over yourself! 1390 01:26:17,939 --> 01:26:19,600 The guy saw you take a dump. 1391 01:26:19,707 --> 01:26:22,938 You'd eventually start changing each other's diapers anyway. 1392 01:26:23,044 --> 01:26:26,536 No, no, this is not how it's supposed to be. 1393 01:26:26,648 --> 01:26:29,310 You've got to stop with that preconceived bullshit. 1394 01:26:29,417 --> 01:26:31,612 You guys love each other, don't you? 1395 01:26:31,719 --> 01:26:33,710 I don't even know what that means anymore. 1396 01:26:56,844 --> 01:26:57,868 Fags! 1397 01:27:01,549 --> 01:27:04,882 God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve! 1398 01:27:09,757 --> 01:27:11,748 Where, are you go... 1399 01:27:16,464 --> 01:27:17,453 There you go, guys. 1400 01:27:21,269 --> 01:27:23,737 I've got to go get limes honey, I'll be right back. 1401 01:27:26,374 --> 01:27:29,400 You don't get much-a nothing unless you give it a try. 1402 01:27:29,510 --> 01:27:32,673 Rock the world a little, get the thunder clapping. 1403 01:27:32,780 --> 01:27:36,238 March yourself over there and make things happen. 1404 01:27:36,351 --> 01:27:39,081 Give yourself a gift you can use. 1405 01:27:39,187 --> 01:27:42,088 What the hell have you got to lose? 1406 01:27:42,190 --> 01:27:47,059 We're really all just walking in each other's shoes. 1407 01:27:47,161 --> 01:27:53,862 Step one; look. Two; smile. 1408 01:27:53,968 --> 01:28:00,032 Three; say 'Hi'. 1409 01:28:00,141 --> 01:28:02,075 Say 'Hi'! 1410 01:28:09,284 --> 01:28:09,909 Hi. 1411 01:28:10,918 --> 01:28:11,543 Hi. 1412 01:28:13,554 --> 01:28:15,419 This is Charlie, he uh... 1413 01:28:15,523 --> 01:28:17,491 he lives across the street from me. 1414 01:28:17,592 --> 01:28:18,524 Hi. 1415 01:28:19,427 --> 01:28:20,121 Hi. 1416 01:28:21,329 --> 01:28:22,261 Go ahead. 1417 01:28:22,363 --> 01:28:23,227 Ask him. 1418 01:28:23,765 --> 01:28:25,255 Ask him. 1419 01:28:25,366 --> 01:28:26,162 What's your name? 1420 01:28:27,869 --> 01:28:29,029 Adam. 1421 01:28:30,071 --> 01:28:31,299 What's mine? 1422 01:28:31,406 --> 01:28:32,100 Steve. 1423 01:28:32,206 --> 01:28:34,299 That's right Steve, Adam and Steve. 1424 01:28:34,409 --> 01:28:36,741 So see you were wrong. 1425 01:28:36,844 --> 01:28:40,974 God did make Adam and Steve because here we are. 1426 01:28:41,082 --> 01:28:43,209 Tell him, huh, tell him. 1427 01:28:43,318 --> 01:28:45,013 Steve is sorry for the way he treated you, 1428 01:28:45,119 --> 01:28:46,711 he's sorry about everything. 1429 01:28:47,889 --> 01:28:49,481 Well, I accept his apology. 1430 01:28:51,759 --> 01:28:52,418 And... 1431 01:28:54,162 --> 01:28:55,186 I'm sorry I yelled at you, 1432 01:28:55,296 --> 01:28:57,196 called you cornholers in front of his parents. 1433 01:28:59,300 --> 01:29:00,733 Okay. 1434 01:29:00,835 --> 01:29:03,360 What else, what else! 1435 01:29:03,471 --> 01:29:05,496 He wants to ask you for your hand... 1436 01:29:05,606 --> 01:29:07,039 in one of them gay marriages. 1437 01:29:10,445 --> 01:29:13,380 A man marrying a man, that's kind of gross. 1438 01:29:13,481 --> 01:29:14,812 I know. 1439 01:29:18,286 --> 01:29:20,379 Well you tell him that personally I don't really... 1440 01:29:20,488 --> 01:29:23,616 believe in marriage and I don't really know... 1441 01:29:23,725 --> 01:29:25,488 if I really believe in him anymore. 1442 01:29:28,963 --> 01:29:30,828 Whoa, that's harsh! 1443 01:29:38,906 --> 01:29:41,568 Adam, please. 1444 01:29:44,412 --> 01:29:46,437 I can't. 1445 01:29:46,547 --> 01:29:48,412 Adam. 1446 01:29:48,516 --> 01:29:53,647 I choose you, I choose you. 1447 01:29:56,290 --> 01:29:57,985 I don't know why you would. 1448 01:30:08,870 --> 01:30:11,498 Perhaps I had a wicked childhood. 1449 01:30:13,875 --> 01:30:18,403 Perhaps I had a miserable youth. 1450 01:30:21,048 --> 01:30:27,283 But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past, 1451 01:30:27,388 --> 01:30:34,954 there must have been a moment of truth. 1452 01:30:36,831 --> 01:30:43,794 For here you are, standing there, loving me. 1453 01:30:45,640 --> 01:30:49,804 Whether or not you should. 1454 01:30:53,114 --> 01:30:59,519 So somewhere in my youth, or childhood. 1455 01:31:01,689 --> 01:31:08,925 I must have done something good. 1456 01:31:11,165 --> 01:31:19,630 Nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever could. 1457 01:31:20,441 --> 01:31:29,748 So somewhere in my youth or childhood, 1458 01:31:29,851 --> 01:31:42,127 I must have done something good. 1459 01:32:14,395 --> 01:32:16,659 Beloved family and friends at this time... 1460 01:32:16,764 --> 01:32:19,631 in the wedding we do the ring ceremony. 1461 01:32:19,734 --> 01:32:23,830 Rhonda if you would give me Adam's ring for Steve. 1462 01:32:23,938 --> 01:32:25,064 Thank you. 1463 01:32:25,172 --> 01:32:28,903 Michael if you would give me Steve's ring for Adam. 1464 01:32:29,010 --> 01:32:31,069 Thank you. 1465 01:32:31,178 --> 01:32:32,543 Hold hands. 1466 01:32:34,482 --> 01:32:37,315 Father Mother God we ask just now for your blessing... 1467 01:32:37,418 --> 01:32:39,352 on these beautiful wedding rings... 1468 01:32:39,453 --> 01:32:42,388 that they may symbolize for Adam and Steve... 1469 01:32:42,490 --> 01:32:45,857 in their union health and happiness, strength and courage, 1470 01:32:45,960 --> 01:32:48,520 joy and peace, abundance and prosperity, 1471 01:32:48,629 --> 01:32:51,530 and unconditional loving for each other. 1472 01:32:51,632 --> 01:32:52,860 So be it. 1473 01:32:52,967 --> 01:32:56,459 Adam if you would place this ring on Steven's hand... 1474 01:32:56,571 --> 01:32:58,436 and repeat after me. 1475 01:32:58,539 --> 01:33:01,201 Steve, with this ring I thee wed. 1476 01:33:04,345 --> 01:33:07,246 Steve, with this ring I thee wed. 1477 01:33:07,348 --> 01:33:11,114 Steve, if you would place this ring on Adam's hand... 1478 01:33:11,218 --> 01:33:13,118 and repeat after me. 1479 01:33:13,220 --> 01:33:15,916 Adam, with this ring I thee wed. 1480 01:33:16,390 --> 01:33:19,723 Adam, with this ring I thee wed. 1481 01:33:19,827 --> 01:33:25,732 Do you Adam Bernstein take Steve Hicks... 1482 01:33:25,833 --> 01:33:28,666 to be your beloved husband? 1483 01:33:29,971 --> 01:33:31,063 I do. 1484 01:33:32,673 --> 01:33:35,801 Steve Hicks, do you take Adam Bernstein... 1485 01:33:35,910 --> 01:33:38,071 to be your beloved husband? 1486 01:33:38,179 --> 01:33:39,976 You bet your ass I do. 1487 01:33:40,081 --> 01:33:44,541 And now by the power vested in me by the state of New York, 1488 01:33:44,652 --> 01:33:48,782 I now pronounce you husband and husband. 1489 01:33:48,889 --> 01:33:50,618 You may kiss your beloved. 1490 01:33:55,329 --> 01:33:59,390 And now Adam in the tradition of your family, 1491 01:33:59,500 --> 01:34:00,762 we'll break the glass. 1492 01:34:05,673 --> 01:34:06,970 Mazoltov! 1493 01:34:42,443 --> 01:34:45,037 Love is real. 1494 01:34:48,282 --> 01:34:50,876 Real is love. 1495 01:34:54,255 --> 01:34:57,122 Love is feeling, 1496 01:34:59,727 --> 01:35:02,491 #feeling love. 1497 01:35:06,133 --> 01:35:09,068 Love is wanting, 1498 01:35:11,972 --> 01:35:15,135 to be loved. 1499 01:35:18,079 --> 01:35:20,570 Love is touch. 1500 01:35:23,851 --> 01:35:27,184 Touch is love. 1501 01:35:29,824 --> 01:35:32,418 Love is reaching, 1502 01:35:35,596 --> 01:35:38,497 reaching love. 1503 01:35:41,569 --> 01:35:44,231 Love is asking, 1504 01:35:47,208 --> 01:35:50,541 to be loved. 1505 01:36:05,459 --> 01:36:06,357 Well... 1506 01:36:06,460 --> 01:36:10,328 you're walking down the street happy as a pig in mud. 1507 01:36:11,799 --> 01:36:13,096 Feeling simple and sweet... 1508 01:36:13,200 --> 01:36:15,259 like a heifer chewing her cud. 1509 01:36:17,071 --> 01:36:18,902 Now I don't want to burst your bubble... 1510 01:36:19,006 --> 01:36:20,667 and make you fret. 1511 01:36:22,276 --> 01:36:25,803 But I think that I smell trouble so watch your step. 1512 01:36:27,681 --> 01:36:31,777 If you're raring to go and hopping back in the saddle. 1513 01:36:33,020 --> 01:36:37,354 Next thing you know up a creek without a paddle. 1514 01:36:38,526 --> 01:36:42,724 If you think you want success and all its trappings. 1515 01:36:43,764 --> 01:36:47,757 But honey, life's a mess, shit happens. 1516 01:36:54,475 --> 01:36:58,571 They say that a life is just a bowl of cherries. 1517 01:36:59,480 --> 01:37:01,380 But they don't make greeting cards... 1518 01:37:01,482 --> 01:37:03,712 about dingleberries. 1519 01:37:05,152 --> 01:37:09,282 Now you're embarrassed and you won't let no one see you, 1520 01:37:10,491 --> 01:37:14,723 'cause they don't write love songs about diarrhea. 1521 01:37:15,830 --> 01:37:20,164 You've got a foot in tomorrow and foot in yesterday. 1522 01:37:21,068 --> 01:37:22,262 You'll get nothing but sorrow... 1523 01:37:22,369 --> 01:37:25,532 cause you're crapping on today. 1524 01:37:26,307 --> 01:37:30,471 No matter what, you go to keep on laughing. 1525 01:37:31,812 --> 01:37:35,805 Just laugh with your mouth shut, cause shit happens. 1526 01:38:03,711 --> 01:38:06,179 You doing in it and you're barefoot stepping in it. 1527 01:38:06,280 --> 01:38:07,577 Thinking got a master plan, 1528 01:38:07,681 --> 01:38:08,943 then it all just hits the fan. 1529 01:38:09,049 --> 01:38:10,209 Life can throw you for a loop. 1530 01:38:10,317 --> 01:38:11,648 Then it covers you in poop. 1531 01:38:11,752 --> 01:38:14,186 Shit happens. Shit happens. 1532 01:38:14,288 --> 01:38:15,619 You ain't listening to me, 1533 01:38:15,723 --> 01:38:18,351 then my gums are just flapping. 1534 01:38:19,693 --> 01:38:23,959 The moral of this story, shit happens. 1535 01:38:25,399 --> 01:38:25,922 What? 1536 01:38:26,467 --> 01:38:27,434 Shit! 1537 01:38:28,135 --> 01:38:28,794 Huh? 1538 01:38:29,336 --> 01:38:30,598 Shit! 1539 01:38:30,704 --> 01:38:31,796 Can't hear you. 1540 01:38:31,906 --> 01:38:33,373 Shit! 1541 01:38:33,474 --> 01:38:35,704 Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! 1542 01:38:36,176 --> 01:38:38,474 Life's a game and you can win it even when you're knee deep in it. 1543 01:38:41,615 --> 01:38:42,673 Keep a fighting and scrappin'... 1544 01:38:42,783 --> 01:38:44,080 cause its spraying and splattin'. 1545 01:38:44,184 --> 01:38:46,709 Shit happens. 1546 01:38:51,058 --> 01:38:52,184 Shit! 113905