All language subtitles for Mock the Week (2005) - S22E02

Read about the things that happen
throughout the world.

Don't believe in everything you see or
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Welcome to a brand new Mock the Week.
I'm Dara Breen. Joining me are Milton

Jones, Rhys James and Lou Sanders,
Angela Barnes, Ed Byrne and Aher Shah.

We start tonight with a round called
Picture of the Week.

I show the panel a topical image and ask
them to tell me what is happening. So,

teams, what's going on here?

Bit late for a getaway car.

That's just where he lives now.

He usually drives a younger model,
actually.

That's just a bloke looking at himself
in the rearview mirror going, you

handsome devil, you've still got it.

No, let's not have LBC on today. Let's
just listen to the music, actually.

It's just coming up to a no entry sign
and thinking, well, that never stopped

me before.

Well, he does have the look of a...

who's just heard a thud in the boot and
realised... I think he works for Uber

Eats now.

Mostly Pizza Express.

He's got a new career now, and this is
actually a still from his new travel

show, Andrew's Hard Drive.

No, no, no, this is the TLC Top Gear
reboot.

Is he running over an old lady so he can
get some better news coverage?

He's just thinking to himself, oh, the
grand old Duke of York, he had 10,000

mentions in the Epstein file.

He's driving to a Morrison's car park to
meet a lovely young lady he's spoken to

online that definitely isn't a
40-year-old man who's going to film him

for Facebook Live.

We've all been there.

If I didn't know him better, I would say
that is the haunted look of a man who

knows he's done terrible things and it's
all catching up to him.

If I didn't know him better. Yeah, and
you do know him pretty well.

How was that holiday on that island?

Anyone give the correct answer?

It's Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor. It
does, does, yeah. No longer Prince

Andrew. Yeah.

Oh, and more information? No, it's all
right, I'll do fine.

Yes, of course. This is the news that
further evidence has emerged of

disgraced former Prince Andrew
Mountbatten's involvement with Jeffrey

Epstein, increasing pressure on him to
testify before the US Congress.

Yes, it's only Andrew
Mountbatten-Windsor, although apparently

the Andrews don't want him to be called
Andrew anymore. The big bad name, Andrew

Garfield. Even Andrew Tate is against
him.

To be fair, Darwin, this isn't THE
picture.

No, absolutely very, very true. This is
not the picture.

We felt that maybe the handling of the
picture could be something that could be

done with the sensitivity and delicacy
that we are not renowned for.

We all are picturing the picture in our
heads. The CPR class that he's

attending. Yeah, the first aid course he
was on. The first aid course he's going,

and do I press here?

No, no, that picture, yeah, that's the
one. Because I'm thinking...

you know he's got he might have to go
and testify in front of congress yeah

and i'm not sure how he'll cope with
that considering he went to pieces with

emily maitland how he's going to be in a
state room with a load of congress but

he'll just be like oh no i that can't be
me in that picture i can't kneel i don't

even have knees i had knees but they're
shot away in the parkland you

don't think it also has a certain irony
about congress that's what got me into

all this trouble

But he needs to get a proper punishment
because the last punishment he got for

basically this exact same thing is they
just stripped him of his titles, right?

So basically all that happened is he's
got no medals anymore, he's got no

castle, and he doesn't get royal
security.

So his punishment for being in the
Epstein Files is he has to be me.

I don't have any of that stuff, and he
is reduced to living my life.

That's better than your life. Have you
seen the house he's moving into?

That house he's moving into is
incredible, and all his friends are

like, oh, we're worried he's hit rock
bottom. It turns out he's rock bottom

with my glass ceiling.

Yes, it is a thing, and I think, look, I
just think it's a general piece of

advice that if you are going to be best
friends with, like, a guy who organises

sex parties, try to have one whose other
hobby is not photography.

LAUGHTER

This whole thing's made me completely
lose trust in billionaires with private

islands.

You've now got to be looking into anyone
who's got an island, right? Tracy, start

there. Never trusted those kind of
girls.

Then you're looking at, what, Isle of
Man. Who's this man? What's he done?

You know, Love Island. That's obviously
run by a pervert.

I bet you've got one.

I don't have one. For the record, I
don't have an island. I have a number of

yachts, but none of you ever come and
holiday my yacht.

I keep asking you to come and holiday my
yacht, like, whatever. You're all going,

Geoff, you have to see his yacht, but
you won't go on my yacht.

You can blow up Tingy, that's why.

A good way of remembering the islands
around Britain is Barry White, Philly

Man.

And no one is saying that about the
Epstein case. No one!

He kept using an alias in the emails,
right? But the alias was The Duke.

And he signed all the emails off A, and
then all the emails, bear in mind, he

didn't want them to know who it was if
they ever found this. Ted thinks, like,

I can't come that weekend, my mummy's
having her diamond jubilee.

I've never thought I'd find myself
feeling sorry for, like, King Charles

and Prince Edward being, you know, the
reflection of sort of... I think it's

got to the point now where they've got
to change the name of their Scottish

residence, the Royals, to Ballymoral.

If bloody Milton had said that!

If the Royals could change their
residence to Ballymoral.

Can I just say what I was going to say,
which is that basically, obviously, even

inclusion in the files themselves does
not imply wrongdoing. It's very

important to say that. I'm going to
repeat that again, looking you all in

the eye. Inclusion in the files. There's
a lot more documents still to come out.

Inclusion in the files. Just remember
this.

Inclusion in the files.

It does not imply any wrongdoing. We all
just had a few spam emails in the 90s.

I did look. You can go on the Department
of Justice website and you can search

names in there. And I searched your name
in there.

There's no Dara O'Brien in the files,
you'll be pleased to know. But Dara is

mentioned 41 times.

This is just fucking... Including the
sentence,

Geoffrey thought Dara might like to see
this image he took.

Right? And okay, fine, your defence
might be, oh, it's obviously another

Dara. You're not going to believe this.
It's genuinely true. Look it up. There

are two mentions of Megabus.

Genuinely.

It's true.

That is true. The word Dara may well
appear quite a lot, but I wouldn't put

it past, like, that just being he tried
to write deer and spelt it wrong. Like,

have you seen the way... They're
incredibly... They're weird. There's,

like, seven faces in the middle of words
and everything. Like, punctuation...

Like, Jeffrey Epstein emails, like, my
mum.

Like, style, not content.

Style, not content. He does. He's very
clear. He types like he's being chased

by a bear.

Also, his inbox is so different to mine,
and again, not just content, right? All

of the emails in his inbox are, like,
relevant to his life. He's not getting

any emails from, like, places he signed
up for Wi-Fi once.

At no point does he say, T-Base service
is missing you.

I've got Choctastic Christmas from all
here at Lindor.

Are you thinking, when you left the
island, you'd immediately go, how was

your time in the island?

Really? Maybe out of five? I mean, I
feel, you know, wrong.

Why has Peter Mandelson had a bad week?
Same.

Yeah, I mean, Peter has really run the
last few minutes of his job to where

Peter Mandelson is there, yeah.

He was in the emails about 6,000 times.

But it doesn't seem entirely mutual. It
just feels like Mandelson was badgering

everything. Like, he would not stop.

Emailing him. All this, I miss you, I
love you, where are you?

Just the amount of stuff he was just
throwing at Epstein the whole time. I

started reading all that. Do you know
what? Maybe Epstein did kill himself.

This is a photograph of Mandelson's
thighs, if you're ever wondering what

they look like.

In a flat, I believe, in Europe.

That's not on the island. It's in a flat
in Europe, but owned by Jeffrey Epstein.

She's a young woman. Look at these kids
with their iPads always glued to their

face.

Peter Mandelson's nickname in politics
was the Prince of Darkness.

and peter mandelson's nickname has been
the prince of darkness for so long that

when he was first called the prince of
darkness the scary bit was of darkness

He was giving sensitive information in
state secrets and stuff, wasn't he?

There's a thought of that with kids.
That's what's being investigated.

And it's weird, because sometimes in
life we're all faced with a huge,

impossible decision of loyalty.

Like, who am I loyal to? An
international billionaire paedophile, or

the government I currently work for?

All these things about Peter Manson are,
of course, allegations.

And it's such a betrayal. People are
saying this is, like, the stuff he was

revealing is the biggest betrayal of
this country for decades or whatever.

Like, it is. It's absolutely ridiculous
what he gave away. The only way it could

be more of a betrayal for Britain is if
he was caught, like, secretly murdering

Paddington and then skipping the queue
to see him lying in wait.

I like the way that he said, oh, I'll do
the right thing and I'll leave the

Labour Party.

As if, like, it's like going out with
someone, setting their house on fire,

then going, I think we should split up.

In other news, what by-election has the
nation talking this week? Gordon and

Denton. It's Gordon and Denton. Gordon
and Denton, yeah. Can you, unlike the

Green Party, correctly spell Gordon?

Listen, if there's one thing I know
about Gordon and Denton, it's that

everyone on this panel has today been on
the Wikipedia page for Gordon and

Denton.

The Greens misspelled Gordon in their
canvas, yeah. Worst possible thing that

can happen to the Greens, because now
they've got to print it again.

Yeah.

The fear is that reform wins. But what
I'm hearing on the doorstep is, don't

open the door, there's a weirdo.

Join us again after a good break.

The next round is called Between the
Lines and features Ed and Rhys. Would

you make your way to the press pit,
please?

Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise
of a leading figure on the world stage,

and Ed will translate what they really
mean.

This week, Rhys is Elon Musk.

What the fuck? This week of all weeks?

Greetings.

I've been expecting you, Mr. Bond.

I have come here to show you I'm just
like everyone else.

And I want to learn about this emotion,
love, that you humans talk about.

I am determined to make space travel
safe and simple.

It is time for me to return to my home
planet.

There's no need to worry about the
influence my wealth has brought me.

Instead, you should worry about the
massive moon laser that I have pointed

at New York City.

I am a huge believer in the future of X
and AI.

At least, I think that's what my sons
are called.

AI could pose a danger to the future of
humanity.

Especially if I have anything to do with
it.

I am a good businessman.

X is now worth $19 billion.

When I bought it, it was worth $44
billion.

The future is driverless cars.

In the future, a lot of pedestrians are
going to die.

People say I have turned social media
into a space full of hate.

And here are their names and addresses.

My views are so weird. Why do so many
people want to meet me? Why do so

many women want to date me?

I am worth a trillion dollars.

People have said I'm rude, easily
offended, and childish.

Ignore those people. They're all big fat
stinky pedos.

Let's move on now to the game we call
Connection. Out of the panel, pictures

of two well-known figures and ask them
to work out how they might be connected.

So, what connects Kermit the Frog and
Donald Trump?

Ooh, one's an amphibian and the other
one's always an amphibian.

Very nice, very good.

Because these two are connected.

They're both Muppets.

I thought that was a clothing joke, but
let's do some more.

I feel like I'm quite pale, so if I
stood in between the two of them, we

could make the Irish flag.

Is the thing that connects them that
they both have fingers that smell of

pork?

What's odd is that only one of them has
ever said, quiet piggy.

Oh, yeah.

It's very successful taking a news story
and made it relevant to the question. I

mean, people wonder why it is all just
cock jokes, but that's why.

Despite being the right age, neither of
them served in Vietnam.

I think we can only really hold that
against one of them. It would be very

harsh. One of them is friends with a
count.

Is this how we find out Kermit's in the
Epstein files?

I met him once, but we didn't party
together. I just got text advice.

The answer is they both released their
own fragrances.

I thought genuinely it was that both of
them have a film about their wife.

No, I thought it was going to be that
they both have green balls.

No, it's the answer I just said.

They both released their own fragrances.
In 1995, Kermit's Amphibia Eau de

Toilette was sold exclusively in
Bloomingdale's department stores in the

US. Meanwhile, President Trump has
released a number of scents over the

years. I bet he has. Yeah.

A lot of them during meetings.

Yeah. His latest was called Victory
4547, which really was the easiest years

to fight in the war.

And launched in June last year. Moving
on, what's going on here?

That's the size of font he needs to
remember his own wife's name.

We think he's standing in front of the
word Melania. For all we know, he could

be at memory services.

I feel like they're standing in front of
the best pull quote they could get for

the documentary, which was just, meh.

If you zoom out, it says mehogany, and
that's the colour that they both are.

Whenever I see, like, a beautiful woman
and a haggard man like this, there's a

little game I like to play, which is, is
it a marriage or is it a Sky Sports

presenting duo?

It does have the transfer deadline day
look about it.

I bet Trump saw that sign and thought he
was at the Emmys.

I mean, it looks like they're just
coming out of her documentary, and he's

just going, well, that was shit.

I wanted to go see the John Bishop film.

I think they've just come out, the
opticians, and he's going, M, E, I did

it perfectly.

I'm surprised you wanted him to see the
film, because he might find out she's

foreign.

Yes, this is the US President Donald
Trump and First Lady Melania at the

premiere of Melania in Washington, D.C.

You already knew that.

It's exciting to have her in a
documentary, though, because there are

so many types of documentaries you'd
think Melania would not be ideal for.

Like a wildlife documentary, which is
just fans somewhere in the jungle going,

eat, eat, where?

Eat, eat, where?

Eat, then where?

The amazing thing for me is that it
genuinely is... There is a great story.

Melania's story is amazing, but it's
just a bad film.

Right, her actual story is that she came
from abject poverty and rose up to the

highest possible position a woman can be
in America, the president's wife.

Melania actually got into America on an
Einstein visa.

Is that real? Is that a thing? Yeah,
genuinely.

Is that what you've got? No, no, no.

The visa I have to get is just a
performance visa.

I have to go into a booth in the
American Embassy and essentially do the

show to somebody sitting behind a glass
and I'm there going...

Lights come up.

I walk out, I go, oh, hello.

Act one ends.

Jesus,

is there much more of this? There's two
other acts.

The irony is, when we go to America,
none of us are getting visas after this

segment.

Big hello to all the guys and gals at
Homeland Security.

I enjoyed it. I enjoyed watching it, and
I would recommend it. Because you can go

and see it at the moment as a double
bill with Marty Supreme.

Right? And one of those films is
fundamentally about a sociopathic New

York con man mistreating women, and the
other's about ping pong.

At the end of that round, the points go
to Angela Ellen Aher.

The next round is called Melania's
Disappointing Opening.

This game involves Angela and Milton, so
if you could make your way to the

performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge. I
launch the wheel of news, and whoever

chooses to stop, one of our performers
must step forward and talk about that

subject. The winner is whoever I think
is the funniest.

OK, here we go. Let's spin the wheel.

The first subject is self-image.

Oh, okay.

Why are you laughing at that?

Are you all right, though? My self-image
is very different to the real me.

This isn't the woman I thought... I'm
going to be 50 this year. I'll give you

a moment for a gasp of surprise.

Fuck you.

The sort of woman I thought I would be
approaching 50 is the sort of woman, and

there'll be some of you in here, some of
you watching at home, is the sort of

woman who wakes up in the morning and
with nothing but confidence puts on a

white top.

And by lunchtime, she doesn't look like
Bruce Willis at the end of Die Hard.

You know what you see in skinny women in
white tops? They hang out in wine bars

together, sometimes in white tops and
white trousers, drinking red wine, the

fucking witches.

that one day I would get common sense
that's what I thought would happen

because I have my entire life been a
demonstration in a lack of common sense

when I was when I was 22 I lost a shoe
on the way to work I'll say that

again I lost a shoe

On the way to work. Right, this is what
happened. I was working in London at the

time. I got on a train. As I stepped on
the train, my shoe fell off my foot. It

went under the train. I turned round to
get off the train, but the doors closed

before I could, so I'm now on the train
going to central London with one shoe on

and bright pink socks.

And the entire rush hour carriage saw
what happened, but because we were in

London, no-one said a word.

The entire carriage just looked at me
and went...

to make, haven't I? What do I do now? Do
I try and get off at the next stop and

go back and get my shoe? I'm going to be
late for work. I've just started a new

job, so I decide I just have to carry
on. And then I've got another decision

to make, which is what looks more
mental, one shoe or no shoe?

So I decide no shoe somehow looks
slightly less deranged, so I take the

other shoe off, put that in my handbag,
I now go to work with no shoes on, and I

try and style it out all day, and I
might have got away with it had my job

not been homeless outreach support work.

If I understand history

correctly, years ago, everyone in this
country whose name was Colin...

Was rounded up.

And transported to places like Canada.

India.

Australia.

In an attempt.

Some of you seem to be ahead of me.

In an attempt.

Here we go.

To colonize.

Anyone here from up north?

I was up in your part of the world the
other day up near Cambridge.

Recently I was just to the north of
London. It turns out like a lot of

people these days, I am in fact a Luton
intolerant.

I also really honor the people of
Sheffield.

Not only did they make the deal, They
also had to sell it as well, so in a

very real way, he who smelt it dealt
him.

I love travel.

I hopped home the other day.

I found a shoe on a railway line.

He went off the rails. I said to him,
Thomas, don't do that

again. We love you.

I wasn't sure how he'd react, but he was
chuffed.

People say to me these days,
Islamophobia.

I say, no, lamb is a type of meat.

You might have a phobia of them.

When you were little, you fell into a
shepherd's pie.

We've all done that.

Some strange people out there. Do you
hear about that woman who was arrested

at Gatswick Airport this morning? Seven
baby porcupines in a pillowcase.

I don't know how some people sleep at
night.

Moped crime.

scourge of our streets. I saw a moped
coming towards me the other day. I

waited, I waited, I waited. It was going
past.

Took him off.

Just as well, when I opened up what he
had in the back, he'd clearly just

stolen a human heart.

I've only saved a life there.

Very good. At the end of that round, the
point's been omitted, Joe.

Join us after the break for more Boxer
Week.

Our next round of callers, this is the
answer. What is the question?

On the board of six categories. Lou,
which category would you like?

Oh, for me, it's going to have to be
politics.

Oh, right. That's the kind of show we
make. The topic is politics, and the

answer is eight years. What is the
question?

What did Mike Tyson do to Evander
Holyfield?

Eight years.

Eight years.

Do you get it?

Yes.

Wow. I mean, just to put all the chips
into the middle of the table like that.

Is it that when the washing machine says
it has one minute left, how long is

actually left?

Is it, when is my emergency GP
appointment?

What age was I?

And I said to my mum, I'm no good at
mathematics.

And she said, well, you're good at other
things. Count your blessings.

I said, I can't.

Is it, what is the age of consent if you
own an island?

For legal purposes, I am not stating any
particular island.

I'm not suggesting any particular
political figures have visited any

particular island.

Phantom to Amonte is going to be
furious.

Is it, how long would it take me to
answer all the messages I got after last

week's episode that said, where's Hugh?

Is it, at what age, after a frankly
unacceptable tour, was I inexplicably

given a chocolate factory to try and run
by myself?

I had absolutely no qualifications to do
it. The whole thing was a death trap,

frankly.

It's shut down. It's a vape shop now.

Is it how often is so often in the
phrase I floss every so often?

Is it how long is Christmas dinner going
to feel at the Beckham's this year?

They're all in. They're all in tonight.

Is it how much time have I saved
cumulatively in my life since I realised

you can just put pasta straight in the
kettle?

Is it...

How old do your friend's kids have to be
before you can swear at them?

For how long now has Melania been saying
to herself, this will be his last

Christmas?

Is it how long did Peter Maddison say
emails were kept for?

How long is it going to take before I
can go to sleep?

without seeing the image of Peter
Madison flashing before my eyes.

Is it simply, how long's left?

That's a guess, yeah.

If you add them all up, how long does it
feel like the ads are on this show?

God, I've seen, oh, the ad, there's one
ad of me, I apologize to anyone who's

not, where it's me with a logo behind
me, and I saw it mute in a football

stadium, and it looked like something
out of The Running Man.

I just stood there, and I can see my
mouth moving, and I was saying, you

could earn a million credits, or die.

We'll dial it down.

How long is it since I kissed a bat
without fear of consequences?

How long does it feel like plays last?

Big tears are going down.

Now I don't approve of that joke,
actually.

These people only come to shit they can
get into for free.

That's our demographic right there.

Therefore, is it how long did everyone
here save up to come?

How old do jockeys look in silhouette?

Is it how long before Trump's Board of
Peace changed its name to the First

Order?

Is it how long would it take you to lift
all my gods?

Pretty sure.

Once I'd done the elephant one.

Wait, did you just call him the elephant
one? The elephant one.

Oh, M.

Garnett.

I was going to say Gilgamesh.

That would have been epic. That's the
bad guy from the Smurfs.

I did not know this is how we got
cancelled.

Will again.

We do need to go to the correct answer
if we can, please. Is it when was the

last time a...

British Prime Minister visited China.
That's absolutely right. Thank you very,

very much.

Until Keir Starmer's recent trip, how
long had it been since the UK Prime

Minister visited China?

This is the news that Keir Starmer led a
delegation to China to break the eight

-year ice age in diplomatic relations
between the two countries and to pursue

a closer trading partnership.

So, what happened on the trip?

Well, what happens in China stays in
China. We were there to sort of

negotiate, meet their prime minister,
and then, is it prime minister?

Emperor.

Yeah.

This is why you didn't get the job.

We didn't send you.

Is it prime minister?

Who cares?

We have so little to offer China. They
famously make everything, okay? But we

need their, like, oil, their microchips,
their uranium, and what we offered in

return is... like lower tariffs on
whiskey yeah and it really just feels

like when you're a teenager and you buy
a christmas present for your parents and

like they've got your playstation and a
bmx and you've got your dad this can of

shaving foam he shouldn't be taking
presents from china because if he needs

to send them back it's really hard
there's been a lot of gifts back and

forth so uh xi jinping gave kia starmer
a copper statue of a horse uh because

it's the chinese year of the horse And
Starmer gave Xi Jinping a statue of a

British guy who's just fucking given up.

That's what Yared is here.

He actually gave... Keir Starmer gave
him a football, didn't he? He gave him

the football from the Arsenal United
game that had taken place about two days

earlier. That's the only thing, isn't
it? Football, where you give someone

the... Like, it doesn't happen in other
areas of cultural... Like, you don't go

to the ballet and then give someone the
lead fella's codpiece.

The weird thing about it is that Xi
isn't even into football. Starmer just

misread his name as Eleven.

His official name is Starting Xi.

We've got to negotiate with China now,
basically, haven't we? And for years

we've been anti-negotiating with China
because they're like an evil

dictatorship or whatever.

But now they're the most powerful
economy in the world, so we have no

choice. And it's just exactly like the
nerdy girl in an American high school

movie who suddenly gets hot.

And what's effectively happened with the
economy is China has taken off its

glasses and let down its hair.

And we've gone, oh my God, you're
gorgeous.

You can have all the sweatshop shots you
want as long as you go to prom with me,

please. Do you realise you just said
sweatsop? Yes.

I'm hoping no one noticed that.

Apparently, when he was in Beijing, a
star morass could see the forbidden

city. But they said, no.

No, they give them a lububu. They give
them a really special lububu whose eyes

follow you around the room.

And you start by leaning into the lububu
and going, one, one, two,

to bring luck to all of your private
meetings.

Ignore the beeping and clicking noises
it makes as it uploads the good fortune.

If the lububu asks you to speak louder,
then you should speak louder.

But also, we've got to work with China,
haven't we, because we want an

alternative to Trump, because Trump's
too mad, right? And the thing is, like,

China, evil, whatever, but at least they
do it in a predictable way, like you

say, right? China is like, oh, China
want to spy on us. Why?

Because they want some information.

With Trump, it's like, oh, Trump's going
to bomb Burundi and put a tariff on

urinal cakes.

Why? Because he didn't win the Booker
Prize?

To commemorate Prime Minister Keir
Starmer's historic visit to the country,

let's see how much you all know about
China.

OK, what holds part of the Great Wall of
China together?

Dickie Rice!

No!

You both... No, that was a joke. What?

What? No, no, it's true. It's Dickie
Rice. It's Dickie Rice. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Shut up.

Dickie Rice is the nickname of the guy
who meant the wall.

No, it's genuinely sticky rice.

Wait, and you two were both guessing?

Yeah. That's the most racist guess I've
ever heard of.

It only takes 45 minutes to be sharing
the one studio before women's punchlines

start to fall.

I came right round. The point is going
to be Rhys and Milton.

Join us after the break for more Master
Week.

on to things we'd like to see. So if
everyone can make their way over to the

performance area, I'll read out this
week's topics and we'll see what our

panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go. The first subject is
things you wouldn't hear on a news

programme.

We're hearing there's been a spate of
people leaving out their legs to trip up

some of our correspondents. For more on
this, here's our reporter on the ground.

And big news tonight, the story of the
greatest comeback in TV history.

Join me again. I'm Hugh Edwards.

If you've been affected by any of our
stories on tonight's Panorama special on

sex addiction, then please call our
hotline and speak to Sam.

She's hot, she's horny, and she's
waiting for your call.

And we've just got time to have a look
at tomorrow's papers, and the front page

of The Guardian has gone with...

The victim wished to remain anonymous,
which, once you get to know him, is just

such a Will Patterson thing to do.

Next up, tonight's special report on
elder care, where we'll be speaking to a

representative from Age UK, and for BBC
Balance, the ghost of Harold Shipman.

Iran? So, is it Iran or Iran?

Iran or Iran? Iran.

Iran over a child on my way to work this
morning.

We're going now to our foreign
correspondent.

I think he's Indian or something.

I'm the foreign correspondent.

Clive, who writes our author queue, has
sadly passed away, so we will be having

a minute's silence, possibly longer if
we can't find someone else.

If you think watching the BBC TV news is
pointless, then you've probably tuned in

too early.

Later, we'll be asking, are newsreaders
intentionally trying to make their

colleagues sound like perverts? But
first, it's over to Wimbledon, where

Stephen is getting a good look at the
men's semis.

Breaking news just in. Today, Piers
Morgan let someone finish a sentence.

Sport now, and some women have been
having a go at football.

What?

You wouldn't hear that.

You wouldn't hear that. It's good that
you wouldn't hear that.

Misogynist.

Sport now, and some Irish people have
been having a go at football.

Breaking news. The chairman of the BBC
has been sacked for letting outrageously

good talent go to another TV channel.

Football is shit and boring and played
by wankers. Sorry.

That was an Irishman having a go at
football.

Previously on The News.

Everything.

And in business news, the footsie is
actually getting a bit mutt, Steve.

Would you mind keeping it professional?

That was Josephine with the weather. And
if you'd like to see more of Josephine,

you're in luck. She is on OnlyFans.

You're watching GB News.

Over now to have a look at the foreign
market.

Urgh, is that what they eat?

You're watching Question Time, where
joining me on the panel are four of

Britain's most available nutjobs.

Trouble news now. The London to Brighton
line has been suspended due to a shoe on

the rail.

Sorry I'm late. Trouble with my tits.

Me too.

We now go live to our Ukraine
correspondent.

Stephen, you're a few miles outside the
conflict. Tell us, what is it like being

a pussy?

The next topic is unlikely things to
hear in a job interview.

I'd be happy to come in Wednesday, which
is the reason I got fired from the new

Addams Family movie.

Can I confirm I'm not using chat GPT to
help me with this Zoom interview?

That's an awesome question. Here's a
list of ten possible responses.

Yes, I have done my research. For
instance, I know exactly what school

your children go to.

Yes, computers are my life, really. I
know an awful lot about them, yes. And

even when I go to a restaurant, you
know, I trip up the waiter and shout,

the server's down!

Uh, the four-year... a gap in my CV.

Yes, some dipshit cancelled the show.

No, you seem like a perfect candidate,
Miss Barnes, but you're not wearing any

shoes.

And were you breastfed for love?

And would you like to be?

So of the Lighthouse family, a family...

who live in a lighthouse, or a family
whose surname is Lighthouse?

Sorry, questions about the job?

Uh, no.

I've wanted to be an auctioneer ever
since I was a little boy. I dreamt about

it once, I dreamt about it twice, I
dreamt about it three times. No, no, you

don't want me? Okay, I'm gone!

And then I let the three final guys
finish off on my chest.

And that's an example of how I'm good at
teamwork.

Oh, the three years in Wormwood Scrubs.

Was I the warden?

Yeah, let's go with that.

Yes, the last genetic lab I worked in, I
crossed a pit bull terrier with a

boomerang.

Unfortunately, it came back to bite me.

Oh, I don't know, probably shagging
identical twin brothers.

Oh, you mean my greatest workplace
achievement?

Interesting fact about me, I've got an
identical twin brother.

Do I have any questions for you?

How good is the Wi-Fi in the toilets?

Hustler, grinder, these are just two of
the apps I've been banned from.

We believe in equal opportunities here,
mainly so the women can shut up.

Have I got any questions? Well, what
kind of cars does this garage have?

What kind of cars does this garage have?

What kind of... Oh, hire.

A critique I got at my last job, that I
put people down, which is apparently

abusing my power as a vet.

impressions. Um, I'm Gary, the CEO. My
wife's lesbian.

I think of cabbage.

My biggest strength?

Knowing when not to answer questions.

My biggest weakness?

Probably tits.

At the end of that round of points, do
the Lou, Rhys and Milton.

And that's the end of the show. This
week's winners are Angela Barnes, Ed

Berman and Harsha.

Commiserations to Milton Jones, Rhys
James and Lou Sanders.

Thanks for watching. I'm Dara O'Brien.
Good night.