All language subtitles for Tre uomini e una gamba_revised2025_Sub-Eng

Marron glacé.
Make it quick. The key

Three...

Two...

One...

How the fuck does he do that?
Did took a tele-kinesis class?

The orders have changed.
The target is two hours late.

Damn! Holy shit! Everytime we're supposed
to kill someone we get fucking canceled.

Kill someone?

Weren't we supposed to blow
up the Jeffersons' dry-cleaning shop?

That's tomorrow.

Why on Earth am I always the last to hear anything?

It's all your fault, you shitty alcoholic.
Who are we going to murder?

Y'all photographed him his back.
From behind y'all took him.

Holy shit. You can't trust anyone any longer.
Most of all, I don't trust you.

-Dickhead. Turn it over.
-Oh, it's him.

-Imprinted
-Get to work. Set up the gun.

With care. It's a delicate item.

Yo, you pill-aholic, help me out here.

I'm going to chop you to pieces.

I'll read the instructions, eh.

- Good day.
- Good day.

- Compliments on your purchase.
-Thank you.

Fold the tripod out onto the ground.

Turn screw A with a Philips screwdriver.

Place the pin in ridge C.

Put hook B in the appropriate slot.

Secure the handle by
pressing firmly on the underside.

Insert the barrel of the gun into the receiver...

...which is now set at the correct height.

- Now insert...
- Do it yourself.

Holy shit, what a day. If we were at
the Jeffersons' we'd be already done by now.

I'm in this business for my rest.
You ruin it for me.

Let's see...

- Good day.
- Good day.

- Compliments on your purchase.
- Thank you.

- Fold out the tripod...
-Done

- Turn bolt A...
- Done.

- Place the pin...
- Done.

- Put hook B...
- Done, done, done.

- Secure...
- Voilà. Done!

This must be kept
out the reach of little children.

Man, it's hot.

When are they going to fucking call?

We've been waiting for two hours now.

I'm getting nervous... and that's not good.

I'm getting nervous... and that's not good.

Relax, Giovanni.
That asshole isn't getting worked up either.

He'll be the death of us.
But I'll kill him before that.

- I'll help you.
- What's this you have here?

A red spot.
A hicky.

- Is it very obvious?
- Very.

- Who gave you that?
- Betty.

- Betty? Do I know her?
- She was at Frank's party.

- She dropped a glass.
- The tall blonde one?

- With a ponytail.
- That's not her.

- With the white Mercedes.
- I was in the shower...

She's always with this dog.
With a grey coat.

- A grey coat? That's her.
- Tall woman, with a ponytail.

Her brother's a parachutist,
and her mother throws parties.

- I was in the shower - She
has somehow pointy knees.

- Pointy knees?

- Then it's not her.
- Anyway...

- I was in the shower...
- With the ponytail and a dog.

I got who you're referring to,
that's not her. She looks like her.

- I was in the shower...
- She has a white Mercedes.

And shoe size 42.

- Size 42? That's her.
- That's Betty.

- Tall woman, with a ponytail.
- So I was in the shower...

IT'S HER! I've been in the shower for two
hours now and I'm getting pneumonia!

- I told you, it's her...
- I understand.

I open the door, we're making love.
I'll spare you the foreplay.

- After making love, I don't know...
- No, you never know...

I do know it.
I'm saying "I don't know" as a figure of speech.

I mean, I said I don't know
but I know

- So anyway, after making love, I don't know...
- You see you don't know.

I KNOW IT. It pisses me off, I mean
"I don't know" to mean "I know"

So you say I don't know to say I know.

If you say, "I don't know, I'd like
to go to the beach," then you know.

Shit, I'm scared.

- Room service.
- Room service? Who ordered that?

I ordered it, John. 3 pannini and 3 nice beers.
What's the problem?

You, son of a bitch!

Damn. What a shitty situation.

Hold on to me!

- Come on, pull.
- You're pulling my arm out.

- What's happening?
- That ambulant dick must have shot the waiter.

Son of a bitch. I'll kill him.

Was I supposed to look stupid over a tip?

- I'm gonna kill him now. Pull me up.
- I'm trying.

- Say, Johnny...
- What is it?

That's my car.
Stay away from my car, asshole!

He's stealing my car radio. Police!

- I don't want to look at that guy anymore.
- Relax.

- Can't you be left alone for a single minute?
- Calm down.

What a frightning ordeal.

It was this close to happening.

A car radio worth 50 dollars... stolen.

Thank God you're around.

Try not to think about it anymore.
All well what ends well.

Ow, that hurts.

How many times must I tell you
don't touch me when I'm holding a gun
in my left hand!

Fuck! I'm nervous and it's not good! Not good!

It's time! It's time! It's time!

Hello?

- Everything taken care of?
- Call me back in a minute, I'm watching a film.

We're closing.
Where did you put the washers #6?

How should I know of the washers #6?
Call me back in a minute.

Did you get everything?

- Your suit?
-I'm not going to get married naked.

- The rings?
- You're killing me. Of course I have them.

Your shoes?

- Of course I have my... I forgot the shoes!
- Without me you'd have to go in your slippers.

- I'll get them right away.
- The package arrived.

We'll pick it up tomorrow.

I'm picking you up at 7:30.

- At 7:30?
- Alright, 7:15.

Here he comes...

Quiet, I've got him.

THREE MEN AND A LEG

Go ahead, Aldo.
Turn the lights off, we gotta go.

ON VACATION

- What is it?
- Come on. We said 8:00. It's 8:07.

Is that any reason to yell like that?
I have a reputation.

Hurry up.
We have to go get the package.

Just let me finish my peperonata.

Peperonata? At eight in the morning?

And at noon he has dead mice?

Hey Giovanni, how's your wife?

Is she at the coast? Aren't you jealous?
Give her my regards.

And signor Giacomo?
The big day is approaching, eh?

- Are you nervous?
- A little. I'm getting married in three days.

It's about time. Then all three of
you will finally have a normal household.

What I wanted to say is,
if you don't move your car very soon...

...my husband will scratch it and have it towed.

Understood?
Safe journey, you two.

It's already ten past eight.

Why does that dog have his legs inside out?

Excuse me.

Excuse me? First you don't
greet me, and then you take my seat?

You're right. How are you?
We're in a hurry.

- Who are they?
- They are kept men.

Two of them are married to the Cecconi sisters...

...and the third is
marrying the youngest one now.

They're going south for the wedding...

...because that's where Miss Cecconi is from.

All daughters of Mr. Cecconi?

Of course. The one with the
big chain of hardware stores.

Without him those three
would already be in the gutter.

Excuse me, you're getting dirt
on the dashboard with your feet.

- You are such a nitpicker.
- Me, a nitpicker?

- A little, yeah.
- But your're walking all over the dashboard.

You have to be able to take a little critisism.

- You have your leg on the gear shift.
- You are such a nit-picker.

Fine, we'll make the whole trip in first gear
so I don't act a nit-picker.

And fasten your seatbelt
or the insurance won't cover you.

We're only going 30 km/h.

See?

- You're such a bastard.
- And a nit-picker.

I'll get the package.
You can...

Why does it always have to be you?
Am I not capable?

No, but if you want to...

What a disgusting dog.
Do you want coffee?

Coffee?
Yeah, he wants coffee.

What have you got against him?

Stop blowing bubbles.

Stop it.

- Want to armwrestle?
- We've armwrestled three times now. Enough!

- Want to armwrestle?
- I'm reading the newspaper, son.

- You can't say that to a child. Play with him.
- Ok, we'll armwrestle.

Are you ready? You start.

That's good. Go!

I am the man!

- Want to armwrestle?
- Stop it, idiot.

- Don't go too far, Growler.
- Go, Growler... cross the street.

- Go on, Growler!
- Stop it now.

What took you so long?

I didn't go for fries.
This is valuable stuff.

Put it in straight.

Move that further back.

Lay it down flat to be safe.

- Lay it down flat.
- Do it yourself, Mr. Precision

- If it's broken, I'll kill you.
- Are we going to open it?

- Everything is in order.
- What is this?

Excuse me. 170 million lire for this shit job here?

- It's madness.
- What's madness?

Don't you know this is a Garpetz.
One of the greatest sculptors alive.

My handyman could do this for 30,000 lire.
This one doesn't even have toenails.

What does our father-in-law want with
a 170 million lire sculpture?

Is a hardware dealer not allowed to like art?

Real nice, what prejudice.
Growler!

Telephone call! Telephone call!

It's the phone... for me!

Ciao, my monkey.
It's my monkey.

I'll call you monkey if I want to.
Where are you?

In Lodi?
They're only in Lodi.

- Giovanni must be driving
- Tell him about the gifts.

Yes, lots of gifts.
A silver turtle with a clock in it...

...and little ivory breasts.

A Capodimonte porcelain Christmas nativity,...

...and some crystal swans.

Are we doing karaoke
before or after the cake?

Who is it? The dwarf?
Give him to me for a moment.

Hurry up.

- Don't talk so much.
- Here's daddy.

Yes, it's daddy. Hello?

Take off that dress. You look like a doll.

Hello? Have you got
everything? The package, too?

Everything is taken care of.
Compliments on the Garpetz.

What do you mean?

I'm sorry.
The sculpture by Garpetz, it's beautiful.

- My compliments.
- What, that leg of shit?

My handyman would have
done it better for 30.000 lire... with toenails.

But Garpetz is an
artist of the transavantgarde.

His work is on display at the MOMA of New York.

And you know where the sculptor is on display?
At the General Hospital.

Yes, sir, with tubes in his
nose and one in another hole.

He's nearly dead.
Ho had a stroke

Those artists are addicts and gays.

But if he dies, the sculpture
will spike to 300 million.

But you wouldn't understand.

Now, dwarf, give me the nit-picker.

Hello, nit-picker, where are you now?

We're only about 40 kilometres from home.

Well, you'll have to hurry.

We're all going to have
dinner at Gambrinuse, the restaurant.

The priest will be there,
and I don't want to look stupid.

I hear Growler.

Growler, it's your papa.
Let me hear your little voice.

Good thing you're there, Growler.

You're the only one
that gives me any satisfaction.

Could you close your window?

I've got a cramp in my neck.

Are you turning on the air conditioner?
I've got bronchitis 3 times this year.

I got you. If you're smoking, I turn the AC on.
What do you expect? I turned the radio on

No, the radio gives me a headache.

We should have brought you an iron lung.

Stop the car, I need to take a piss.

- You have to go every two minutes.
- Do you want me to piss in the car?

Come on, Growler.

Oh, you're so lazy.

- Tie the monster up. He can guard the car.
- Why? Can't he come?

Come on. Come here, Growler.
Stay here like a good dog.

You have to guard the billion dollar leg.
Understand?

An original Garpetz, without toenails.

What a smart creature!

Some lukewarm milk with a
shot of coffee, no foam, not cold.

Let's see if you can do that.

- Where's Giacomo?
- In the book department, of course.

Look, there he is.

- Does he read a lot?
- Not at all.

He buys hundreds and never reads them.

Look, now he's got
his hands behind his back.

He's going to the bestellers.
It's cold.

Watch this.

He thinks that's too commercial.
He gives it a disapproving look.

Now he's looking for
a book no one knows about.

You see?

A thick paperback by
a writer who committed suicide.

- Now he's skimming it.
- What else do you do with a book?

It doesn't take Nostradamus.

Look! Here comes a woman.

He shows he's a
connoisseur and gives her a review.

- He hasn't even read it.
- Man, he's showing off.

- And now?
- Watch this...

Excuse me, you dropped your magazine.

What is this? the supplement of the Times?

You're such a bastard!

It was just a joke.
Better take this with you anyway.

She was a nice girl.

- You and your jokes.
- Does it really matter?

Look at them.

I'm better than you are.

What did you think of that?
I'm the man!

I tell you, I'm on
a whole different level!

Race you to the car.

Jump in the river.

You are such a dick,
trying to show up little kids.

Listen to this guy.
Getting married soon and still flirting.

That trick with the book is so old.

Giacomo's getting married.
Soon he'll say, "I do."

Go do that to Growler.

Growler!!

I'm not looking.
I don't want to see it.

He was the most beautiful dog in the world.
Even better than Rin Tin Tin.

That's life.

- You're a murderer.
- You're the one who tied him up.

But you dragged him to his death.

What's done is done. Stop fighting.

"What's done is done" my ass.
Who's going to tell the old man?

- He'll first crack our heads open and then
spit in them. - And then he'll fire us.

Scaredy cats.
What are you afraid of?

You can explain it was an accident.
It's not like we did it on purpose...

Hello?

Have you guys heard? He's dead.

It wasn't my fault. Giovanni was just...

Don't you get it?
Garpetz, the sculptor is dead.

Oh, we're sorry. That's too bad.

Not at all.
It's my biggest score of the year.

The old Cecconi has struck again

But you guys... what do you know about business.

Your only deal in life has been
to marry my daughters.

Give me Growler for a moment.
At least he understands me. Growler?

Hello, Growler?
Why don't you answer?

What's wrong with him?
I can barely hear him.

There's nothing wrong.
It's interference on the line.

Hello? Hello?
They can't even use a telephone.

What crappy music, Giovanni.
Don't you have something else?

You don't like this?

- Then play something else.
- Anything else...

Oh, please. Do me a favor.

I can't take this. Too many memories.

I can't take it.

A different genre.

- Did you hear that?
- What?

- A subtle noise... a metallic noise.
- I don't hear anything.

But I've had an ear infection.
I can't hear very well

- Uh, you are a junkyard. Don't you hear
a metallic subtle noise? - No.

At the next exit I want a
mechanic to take a look at the car.

We're much too late now and
you want to stop for an insignificant subtle noise?

That's what the Captain of the Titanic said...
"Oh, it's just a subtle noise."

"insignificant."

The captain talked like that?

A great idea you had.
Where the fuck did we ended up? In Wyoming?

- Is it my fault there aren't any signs?
- There's one here. Stop. We ask for directions

You and your subtle noise.
You're hearing voices.

I'm hearing voices.

Bedda Maddre!

Ow, my nose.

Blood. Blood.

Who drives like that. are you an idiot?

It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault.

"It's my fault?"
Look what you've done to our car!

Don't be so dramatic, Giovanni.

Don't be dramatic? But now
we're three hours late, the car is smashed.

- I'm sorry, I was looking at the map.
- She was looking at the map.

So it's okay to kill people
with your car because of a map.

- Are you hurt?
- Yes, of course I'm hurt!

With a big nose like that,
it's easy to hit it.

- You stopped so suddenly.
- I was only going 20 an hour.

- A little bit suddenly you did brake...
- You were sleeping.

- Sometimes sleeps most the awaken
than the sleeper. - What kind of proverb is that?

- Never mind.
- Well, let's move these cars.

- Judas priest, look at that.
- Ah, that's nothing.

It can be fixed.

And now?

Holy shit.

I was as good as standing still.

Giacomo let's himself... come on...
He's gonna bust our...

- Holy shit. Holy fucking shit.
- Yes, but...

Don't say a thing.
Don't. Say. A. Thing!

I'M IN LUNCH BREAK

Now what do we do?

To make up for the trouble we caused,
allow us to invite you to lunch on us?

Thank you!

Make up for what? Excuse me,
she smashed the car, she disfigured me.

- Nice girl, eh?
- I'm sure she is.

And she also has a certain radiance.

I'm sure she has, but you're
getting married in three days.

- Why, what'd I say?
- You keep looking at her, acting foolish.

- Am I acting foolish?
- Sort of, yeah.

- We called the insurance, almost was like I was in the wrong.
- You weren't fully right, anyways.

Everything okay?

- Yes, I've arranged to change the ferry.
- Ferry to where?

Greece. Brindisi to Patras and
then the a tour of the islands.

Are you meeting... your boyfriend there?

A painful subject?

You just broke up?

He left you!

- For your best friend.
- Stop it, Giovanni.

What?
I was just trying to break the ice.

I'm sorry.

- Are you musicians?
- How... ?

- That's not a saxophone?
- No, it's something else.

It's an art piece. A sculpture.

- Can I see it?
- Eh, no, sweety, we can't show it to everybody.

Come on, show it to her.

- No...
-Yes, I'm afraid so... unfortunately so.

- This is impossible! Is it the real thing?
- The leg?

- This is a Garpetz.
- How did you know, on the fly?

It's obvious. It a shit. It's a Garpetz.
And, sweety, as it cost a lot, too. A nice leg.

My work has to do with art.
I restore pieces.

I've always wanted to do that for a living.

You can't even put
connect the dots on the puzzles magazine.

- I only got it just now.
- What a joke.

And you?

What do you do for a living?

We work in precision mechanics...

..advanced technology,
servicing special projects.

- I don't know... harware.
- Hardware.

We provide parts that
support great undertakings.

Precision instruments for
a future revolution in mechanics.

Was that clear?

We have a hardware store.

It's not really our hardware store.

We work there as salesmen.
As errand boys really.

Don't be so pessimistic.
A swallow doesn't just fly in the Spring.

Good!

How philosophical.
It reminds me of Plato.

Forget about Plato. He left you.

The symposium of Plato:
The Myth of the Halves. Do you know it?

Yes, I used to know it very well.

- I read part of it.
- I see...

So, according to Plato,
man was like this apple. Perfect.

He had enough with just himself.
There wasn't the difference of man and woman.

There were only perfect, happy individuals.

But one day, Zeus, who
was jealous of their perfection...

And since then man has
desperately sought his other half...

...because without it
he felt incomplete... miserable.

But no matter how hard he tried...

...he never found his perfect half.

And he still hasn't.

Because it's practically impossible
to recognize it

It would be a miracle.

GONE TO THE CINEMA
Does this guy ever work?

We have to get going.
We'll pretend nothing happened. Goodbye.

- Do we have to return the car like this?
- The insurance will take care of it.

You're such a bastard.
Do you want to leave her here in the middle of Italy?

Did you want to go to the cinema?

You should be kept on a leash.

How will you find the mechanic in here?
A needle in a haystack.

We have a problem...

- An accident...
- Please, I'm watching the movie.

If I could just ask you...

The mechanic doesn't feel like it.

- This is a Garpelli.
- Who?

A neorealist filmmaker.

- It's thirty years old.
- I'm sure.

- Please... we shouldn't miss this.
- You think so? Excuse me.

- Giacomo?
- It's a Garpelli. We have to watch it.

But the time...

- Aldo?
- I'll get some popcorn.

Tickets, please. Tickets.

Can I have your ticket?
Excuse me!

Do you have a ticket?

- Maybe I lost it.
- Then you'll get a fine.

You're jumping to a conclusion.

You just said maybe you lost it.

Unless I find it first.

Stop joking around.
Just look for the ticket.

- Cigarette?
- No, thanks.

- I'm not trying to bribe you.
- You wouldn't be able to with a cigarette.

How about a pack?

Stop joking around and give me your ticket.

- What's wrong?
- He doesn't have a ticket.

- Then give him a fine.
- Don't you worry.

- A big one.
- I'll take care of that.

Those glasses look really good on you.

- My glasses?
- Really good.

Thank you.

Could this be it?

- Did that have to take twenty minutes?
- Do you have a party to go to?

This ticket has been stamped twice.

- It has multiple stamps.
- Well, it was more expensive.

What nonsense.
I'm going to have to give you a fine.

- Your colleague did this.
- I'm not stupid. My colleague didn't do that!

- It's your own fault if you're stupid.
- That's a good ticket.

You didn't use it properly.

- Then you're an imbecile.
- That's enough.

There were witnesses,
but they won't do anything

- Come along, you have to get off.
- Keep your hands off me.

Just let him go. What does it matter?

What an annoying asshole that guy is.

Are we supposed to tolerate
that and ignore the rules?

- But he's overreacting.
- I understand...

I'm not going to run away.

- You took a big step.
- My one leg is longer.

- Give me your personal information.
- I'm not doing well.

Stop with those jokes.
I want your last name and first name.

- Okay, what's your name?
- I'm waiting.

- For what?
- For you to write it down.

I wasn't ready. What's your name?

Ajeje.

- Ajeje?
- Yes.

What's this Ajeje?
How do you spell Ajeje?

- A
- A

- j... pronounced longer.
- Longer.

...e, j, e. That's it.

- Ajeje...
- It's hard enough. Please, do me a favor.

And what would your last name be?

Ajeje Brazorf.

The old guy is quite a good actor.

Much better than the other two.

They're not professional actors.
They're people off the street.

Let's see what you have here.

- Why is there no passport in here?
- How is that possible?

- Keep your hands to yourself. What is this?
- Then it was stolen.

Goddamn, they stole it.

- And they left the credit cards?
- That's how clever they've gotten.

- Come with me to the police station.
- Keep your hands off me!

What have you got against me? Do I
look like someone who used to beat you up?

l haven't done anything to you!
You've wanted to hit me all this time!

- Watch what you're doing.
- What an actor.

They pushed me onto the tram.

What nonsense.
Stop acting so dramatically.

I can feel it in my stomach.

I'm really feeling bad.

Yeah.
It really gets to you, this neorealism.

No, I think it's the mussels.

- He's not feeling well.
- Right before the ending.

- Excuse me, may I have your ticket?
- I'm a colleague.

- Your ticket, please.

- l'm a conductor, too.
- Yes, and I'm Gary Cooper.

Be calm, you're in good hands.
Here's the doctor.

- What's your first and last name?
- Giacomo Poretti.

- Did I ask you anything?
- He's my brother-in-law.

Am I supposed to fill in
the data from just anyone?

- I know him well.
- Is this your brother-in-law?

- So what's his name?
- Ask him.

Giacomo Poretti.
Please, we're in a hurry.

Giacomo Poretti.

Let's see...

Does this hurt?

Are you sure?

- And If I press here?
- No...

Doctor, why don't we give him a IV sedative...

I don't know... like 4 cc placibius...

Oh, he's a doctor. I didn't realize that.
Where did you go to medical school?

Do me a sacred favor, sit down
over there and shut your mouth.

And don't interrupt me while I'm working.

Nurse, prepare a sedative. Let me think...

...4 cc placibius.

Your tongue. Stick out your tongue.

I think he has kidney stones.

What did I tell you earlier?

You have to keep your
mouth shut and sit over there.

- Yes, but...
- I'm the one who visit patients. Understand?

Yes, but if I press here...

It hurts, it can't be a tracheitis.

He's made a diagnosis.
The professional has arrived.

Do you want me to take off
my doctor's coat and give it to you?

Is that what you want?

Keep your mouth shut. I don't
want to hear another word. Shut up.

- Dear Mr...
- Giacomo Poretti.

Dear Mr Poretti...

...here we are with a nice kidney stone.

We're going to examine you. You'll
have to stay the night, as a precaution.

- We're already much too late.
- We need to take the word of a professional.

The doctor's had a lot of education.
He's not making this up.

He knows what he's saying.

- How are you?
- Not good.

- The placibius hasn't kicked in yet?
- That placibius seems does nothing. It still hurts.

Of course, you eat shit, it makes you sick.
Meanwhile we stuck here, the cellphone have no signal.

- Do you want me to remove your socks?
- Please.

Fuck. The car.
She stole the car!

You see? That boo of yours,
Greece, mythology, let's cut the apple.

After all that, she took the car with the leg inside,
and I, silly me, even gave her the key!

Such a grandiose ho...
Whoa, Chiara!

You guys are crazy leaving the leg down there.
What if someone stole it?

And I parked the car in the shade.

- Is this your bag, Giacomo?
- Yes.

- Where are your pajamas?
- I don't have any pajamas.

No pajamas?

- I sleep in the nude.
- Sleep in the nude? Two bronchitis a day?

Guys. Calm down. It's okay.
I'll just lend him mine.

Yes, but you too...
Do you find ok to sleep in a Sforza's jersey?

They ran out of the Ronaldo's ones

No, it's nothing. Don't worry.

No, he's sleeping.

Excuse me, you say he can't talk?
What's he got?

It's nothing serious. I assure you.
Let me talk to Marta.

- I'll give her to you.
- Give her what?

You motherfuckers! Where are you?

- I don't fucking care if he has a colic or the plague...
-Dearest...

Do me a favor, y'all shut up and stay out of this!
I'm talking.

This is a place where everyone knows me.
Only the best people come here, understand?

The priest must think I'm an idiot.

- I'm very sorry, understand?
- I don't want to hear that shit.

Now give me my wife.
I aske you to give me my wife.

Guys, I warn you. I'm sweet and dear.
But if I lose my patience, you all are in trouble.

I'll throw you back into the
sewer I rescued from. Is that clear?

What are you looking at?
Go back to your dinner.

Hello? Hello?

Twenty million lire could get you
a bar in Costa Rica by the beach.

Sun, sea and palm trees.

- All year in a bathing suit?
- All year in a bathing suit.

No one busting your balls
or telling you what to do.

But it's a big decision.
You'd have to leave everything behind.

- And what if it goes wrong.
- It is a risk.

But if you don't take risks...
Have you ever taken a risk?

Once.

Once I put money on Inter lose to Cagliari.

- Are you sure you can take me there?
- It's not out of our way at all.

We can't just leave
you with a broken down car.

- But it wasn't a bad idea, either.
- Stop it. You don't believe that yourself.

Well then. It's nine thirty.
We have to be in Brindisi by one thirty.

I am Count Dracula...

Fucking cunt...

- Ah, Giusi. Do you want something to eat?
- No, I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

- Good night.
- She's a hard worker.

- Let's sing.
- Set the tone.

The beautiful woman goes to the spring...

...and brings beets and spinach to the Southerner.
[terrone - derogatory term for Southern Italians]

SOUTHERNERS STAY
AWAY FROM TRANSYLVANIA

What a day, two Transylvanians.

I am a force of nature!

Fuck, that hurts...

I'm not sure this was a good idea.

Should we have brought him in?

- Still... with all the bad people out there...
- Look at those sunken cheekbones.

- Yes, and did you see that forehead?
- And those big eyes.

- Look at that weak chin.
- And those teeth! What about those teeth?

- I'll tell you something...
- Don't say it.

What we have here, is a Southerner.

- A Southerner?
- As sure as gold.

He's waking up.

Everything alright, my good man?
What happened?

In addition to...

- Would you like a cognac?
- I'd like some zibibbo [muscatel].

- Although I'd rather have you.
- What a strange dialect.

Zibibbo, do we have any of that here?

We should introduce ourselves.

I'm Michele, his name is Gino. And you?

Brambilla.

And your full name?

Brambilla Fumagalli.

We don't know the Fumagalli's.
Tell us where you were born.

I'm from the state...

...of Parage. [Equality]

- Parage!
- What do you know about Parage?

- It's worse than here.
- And a bit more to the south.

Gosh...
That was some blow.

Ai madonna, what a blow.

- He's not very convincing.
- I agree.

- Let's trick him with the cadrega.
- Bravo! Genius!

- You go get a cadrega.
- You're smart as a weasel.

Master Brambilla, please join us at the table.

We have a nice cadrega.

- You can't keep a cadrega from a person.
- It's for Mr. Fumagalli. Come on.

- A nice little cadrega?
- Ah, yes...

- Please...
- Fumagalli, eh?

The cadrega...

This is a nice cadrega.

A apple is not a cadrega.

- A cadrega is a chair.
- My good sir.

I was just about to say
what fine construction...

...this cadrega has.

It really has.

When I get back home...

...I hope to...

...sit my butt down
on such a beautful cadrega.

I have to go to the toilet.

Where is the toilet?

- I have to go to the toilet.
- Toilet?

I've took such a blow...

The loo?

Up the stairs and to the left.

Sorry, but I need to leave for a moment.

I have to pee like a pipistrello [bat].

I'll be right back.

Gino, you were absolutely right.

- That guy is a Southerner.
- Bravo!

What's this? A rolled up paper?

- The Southerner dropped it.
- Open it.

To Dracula, with love, Totò Schillaci.
[Schillaci - Italian football hero from Palermo]

Dracula? Schillaci?

- Who is this Schillaci?
- The Grand Vizier of the Southerners!

Against great evil,
we'll need to use great weapons.

We'll fill that empty space tonight.

- Come on!
- Go Gino...

- He's in the next room.
- With Giusi!

- Southerner!
- Bedda Maddre!

Fuck! How scary.

If I had my number sixteen wrench
I'd have it fixed by now.

After all, is it my fault no one has passes by
for 3 hours?

It is your fault.
"I know a short-cut without any traffic."

Where have you take us, Mr. Shortcut,
in Nebraska.

The little prince has awakened.
Mr. Pasta and Sardines, help out here.

We need to talk.

- What's wrong with him?
- Fuck off.

- What's going on?
- Where are you going?

These swift mood changes
are not a good sign.

- Hey!
- Aldo!

- He's sick in the head...
- I don't understand it...

Aldo!

You're the man!

Chiara, Bravissima!

- How did you do that?
- It was child's play.

- She has a number sixteen wrench.
- Well, at least she fixed it.

Hey, guys!

- What's he got?
- Guys! Guys!

Look what I found.

A new Growler.

- But he's black.
- Why must you be racist against dogs too?

- With bat ears.
- He's a good dog.

And cute.

With cute little paws...

Give your paw to the nice lady.

Hey, guys! You want to go swimming here?

No. It's all well and good
that I let you drive the car,...

...but we're already late.
There's no time for fooling around.

Well okay. Just five minutes.

Gold medalists in synchronized swimming.

- Aren't you a little cold?
- No, are you?

- I am, a little.
- Race you there.

- "I'm a little cold."
- "Race you there."

- I beat you.
- I know. I know.

- So, tomorrow you're getting married?
- Yes but, nothing serious.

That was a good one, five hops.
Now I have to get two more.

- Two!
- Two more was a miracle.

You're such a good swimmer.

Thank you.

You too, especially the breaststroke.

At school they used to call me the frog.

Watch. I'll throw this one,
and you have to hit it.

Sometimes... a frog can turn into a prince.

Are you guys dum?

Bastards!

- You really are a couple of bastards.
- I'm sorry, Chiara...

...for both of us.
I didn't do it on purpose.

- By the way, it was his rock.
- I'm sorry.

It isn't serious.
And it wasn't on purpose.

It's not a problem.

But that might be a problem.

Look at that.
He's peeing on the leg.

The stupid animal.

- It's porous!
- It's Piss. It's just ammonia.

- Let's shower in it.
- Shampoo has ammonia.

In fact, I can see the results

I'll go wash it.
A wash. A dry. It will even seem as never used.

- Not you. I should give you a kick.
- Come on, Growler.

300 milion ruined. Holy shit.

Pack up your things.
We're late as it is.

Hello?

Go!

What do we do now, Aldo?

- If only we had a pool floater.
- I have an idea.

Don't be an idiot.

- I thought it would float.
- The rim alone weighs at least 30 kilos.

Excuse me.

- Where does the river end?
- Why do you want to find the river's end?

It enters the sea five
kilometres down from here.

- Into the sea?
-Yes, into the sea.

Into the sea...

You've really messed things up, Giovanni.

- His dog pisses on it and it's my fault.
- Brake. Brake. Brake.

Look over there.

Leave it to me.

It's settled, guys.

We're playing a football game.
Italy-Morocco, to ten goals.

You're demented.

- Did you see the Marrakesh Express?
- Yeah, I though I had a dejà vu.

I'm the man!
The return of the great Inter.

Did you see how athletically
I made that bicycle kick?

They were totally stunned.

Yeah, and when Chiara stopped
that penalty shot...

...bouncing the ball right off her chest.
Fantastic!

Yeah, really fantastic.
But we still lost ten-three.

With his obstinacy to play by area,
we set ourselves up to lose.

Morocco was physically strong.
And they had such a quick counter-attack.

He's getting married and we're centuries late.

The back of the car is completely destroyed.

He gave a bulldog and we're returning
a spider-mouse.

And the 300 million leg is in the
hands of some Moroccan masons.

How do you like that?

I have an idea.

Cheer up.

No, I don't want to. Do you
hear the rumbling of your stomach?

This is a terrible thing to do.

What did I do to deserve
the Karl Popper mask?

It's not Karl Popper, it's Cossiga.

Why Cossiga? I really hate Cossiga!

Stop it!
Do you want to get the leg back, or not?

Okay, let's go...

You have to be good, understand?

You have to stay here.
We don't have a mask of Rin Tin Tin.

Don't be such a bother.

Do you want coffee?

Relax. Nothing happened.

Alien work permit?
Everything is in its place.

The four of them, comma
armed and masked, comma...

...entered...
What does it say?

The four of them,
armed and masked, entered...

...entered the house of
engineer Amin Kaleb Assad...

...and architect Salem Mohamed Sadat...

...to steal a wooden
object of questionable taste.

- Period?
- Period, and so on, and so on...

So, you steal sculptures, eh?

Storti

Sure, look down.

Baglio. Burglary and
cotempt to the highest state offices.

- What will it be?
- What you want it to be, sir.

Are we getting funny, Baglio? I'll soon
make sure you have nothing to laugh about.

Excuse me, but the leg is ours.
Not mine personally, but...

Giacomino Poretti, born in Busto Garolfo...

...should have the good taste
to shut up.

However, his name is Giacomo.

Have you been hired as
the patron of the lost causes?

Your name is Giacomo, right?

Giacomino.

This is serious.

What do you think, Engineer?
Do you want to press charges?

Never mind,
I feel sorry for these poor losers.

All this for a leg my
handyman could do better for 30.000 lire

- What do you say to the Engineer?
- "Thank you."

- Why hasn't the old man called?
- The phone's turned off.

They haven' t heard from us in 24 hours.

- Okay... do you want to call?
- Why me?

Giacomo is sleeping, I'm driving.

Do you think I'm afraid?

Hello!
Hello... yes, is this...

Yes, sir...

Let me...

If it had been up to me...

Yes, I was the first to...

Let me finish for once,
you just keep on talking.

You busted my balls. I'm not an automaton.
I'm a person.

I've been wanting to say this:
Go fuck yourself!.

Fuck you...

G. O. F. U. Kyou youu

...you, your store, your villa full of shit.
You're disgusting. You fucking asshole.

- The line was busy.
- Get out of here.

MARIANO AND THE INNER BEAUTIES

The boys will be here in two hours.

They've been saying that for two days.

What could they be up to?

Something must have happened.

- I'm so worried.
- She doesn't look worried.

I have an invoice for you, ma'am.

I don't know how that works.
You should see my husband.

But I don't see him. Eros?

I have to say something.

I'm not getting married.

Why not?

I'm in love.

I can see that.

- What do you see?
- Many things.

The way you look at her.
How you seperate from the rest...

- You're distracted.
- Me, distracted?

- Yes, you lost the leg.
- That wasn't me, it was you.

See you don't recall? He lost the leg.

Love.

Can I interest you in a Sony VCR?

- For his wife, maybe?
- He's not getting married.

Sunglasses?

- You know, I'm jealous..
- Really?

Alright, what in God's name is going on?

- Things go the way they go.
- Don't encourage him. Fuck everything up?

- I don't want to fuck everything up. I have to think about it.
- Giacomo, you're not a kid anymore. Tell him.

- He's getting swept up by his feelings.
- You know what?

- I'm going to tell her.
- What's he going to tell her?

- I have to break some news.
- Not you, too?

Do you see those people over there?

They're taking the same ferry I am.

They said I can ride with them.

It's the best thing for everyone.

Best, sure it is best.

- I'll get my suitcase.
- I'll help you.

Come on, Giacomo. Let's go.

Do you have a cigarette?

Excuse me, could you stop?
I have to throw up.

He can't go home like this.
And he certainly can't get married, like an amoeba

He doesn't have to get
married if he doesn't want to.

It's not like he doesn't want to.
He's just confused.

He'd want to, but he thinks he doesn't

- He things, like when... And we can't fuck everything up.
- Everything like what?

- The job.
- Yeah, nice job...

- Family. - Family? With that father-in-law
I'd hit his head with a bottle night and day

Well, economic security. Many things

What's the matter, Growler?
Where's Giacomino?

Where the heck is he?

Here we are. I knew it.
He did the insanity act!

Insane act nonsense. We can't even see him.

I'm having a vision of him all crushed with
flyes hovering all around him.

"Love gives and love takes."

So, are you going to
take forever? Hurry up.

God have mercy...

The rock is friambile!

You mean the rock is friable, not frenabile.

Isn't frada about the same as frijia?

Perhaps you should
be thankful the hill isn't wet.

I'm just thankful I have little feet.

- Now what?
- Now I can go neither up nor down. x2

I'm not going to move.

Put your foot on that projection.
The projection shaped like a gnu's hoof.

- I don't know what a gnu is.
- Put the other one in that notch.

- Which one?
- Like the spine of the skunk.

- What does a skunk look like?
- I said spine. It's inside, You don't see it's?

There... I've found a hole.

It could be the skunk's ass.

Just a moment. Just a moment.
I'm about to fall to my death.

- Fucking hill!
- With your flip-flops

- There he is.
- Giacomino!

- Giacomo.
- Giacomino.

Please, leave me alone.
Stop bothering me. Go away!

Did you fall?
Are you hurt?

- How did you get down?
- You climbed the mountain.

There is a path. What mountain?

- There's a path?
- How was I to know there was a path?

- I could have died at any moment!
- The path isn't very safe either.

What if you slipped, or
got a roof tile on your head?

A tile? Here?
In the middle of the Indian Ocean?

Come on, Giacomo. It's late, let's go.

Hello?
Ciao, Giuliana.

Yes, we're on our way.

Giacomo?
No, he can't... because...

...he went to the toilet.

I'll let you talk to Aldo.

Hello? Giuliana, how nice.

We're on our way.

Yes, soon.
No, Giacomino's sleeping.

Yes, he's sleeping on the toilet.

He must've fallen asleep
while he was taking a shit.

We're on our way?

Yes... but he's...

Go fuck yourself!

GALLIPOLI
12 KILOMETERS

GALLIPOLI
6 KILOMETERS

Are you really sure, Giovanni?

Trust me.
It's the best thing for all of us.

Improved version by Bellonese
Adapted from English subs translated by Linforcer
Original Dutch subs by Hoek & SonépouseToonder Group