All language subtitles for Dont.Panic.Chaps.1959.1080p.BluRay.REMUX.AVC.FLAC.1.0-TRiToN_RedSector[SDH](Eng)

(MACHINE-GUN FIRE)

(BOMB WHISTLING)

So much for the annihilation
of Rommel in North Africa.

Now to strike at what i call

the soft underbelly of Europe.

(FLY BUZZING)

The overall strategy
of the supreme command

is becoming increasingly clear.

My guess is that we shall
invade either here...

or here.

Well, how about Sicily, sir?

Really, Sergeant. Sicily has
no military importance whatsoever.

- I just thought...
-Well, don't, Sergeant.

Leave the thinking
to the professional soldier.

Yes, sir.

Now, if, as i strongly suspect,
Monty decides to strike here,

through the Adriatic,

the task which you
are about to undertake

will play a vital part in the
important success of the operation.

Now, if you'll all just
gather round the map...

Now, what i'm about to tell you
is top secret.

Absolutely top secret.

Understood?

Yes, sir.

These islands are
virtually uninhabited.

One or two were
supply bases for U-boats,

but Intelligence assures us
that they've been evacuated.

Now, your job will be
to set up an observation post

-on this one.
-Yes, sir.

To observe what, sir?

When we invade, there'll be a
considerable increase in enemy activity.

You will report all
air and shipping movements

which take place during the
twenty-four hours preceding the attack,

and the twenty-four hours
following it.

Any questions?

FINCH:
Er... Sir? Sir?

Supposing Monty doesn't
go into Italy your way?

Well, in such an event,
your efforts won't be wasted.

You'll form part of the cover plan.

BROWN: Is there a code name
for this operation, sir?

Well, the overall operation
will be known as "Plantagenet”,

for there may be other units
such as yours planted in these islands.

(CHUCKLING)

Your particular unit
will be known as "Force X".

Force X, eh, sir?

-Sergeant Bolter!
-Sir!

Where do they find
a fellow like Finch?

-He's a bit of a B.F., isn't he, sir?
-That's putting it mildly.

-Tell him to come in.
-Yes, sir.

-Finch!
-Sergeant.

I say, Ackers, look after this
for me, will you, please?

A Survey of Pre-Historic
Persian Pottery.

He's mentally sick.

Look here, Finch,
I can't pass this letter.

Well, why not, sir? I hope i haven't
said anything i shouldn't.

You've only told the headmaster of your
blasted prep school where we're going.

Oh, you can trust Dr Wentworth
implicitly, sir.

He won't tell anybody else.

And besides, I, er...
I didn't actually name the place.

Wrapping it up in a lot of jargon about
ancient Greece doesn't fool anybody.

-You want us all to get killed?
-Oh, no, sir.

-Burn this.
-Yes, sir.

Well, I'm sorry, sir.
I didn't realise.

You see, the head and i
are interested in archaeology.

I dare say,
and i'm interested in security.

Write the thing again,

and one more boob like this,
and you're on a charge.

Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
Won't happen again, sir.

(GLASS SMASHING)

I'm frightfully sorry, sir.

We... It's all right, though.

I-I don't think
your mother's picture's damaged.

That is not my mother.
It's my fiancée.

Oh, really, sir? I thought,
seeing as she was a captain...

-Oh, get out!
-Yes, sir.

And to think that parents
entrust their children

at their most formative age
to an ass like that!

Thanks, Ackers.

Really!

Well, what's the trouble
this time, sir?

Ackroyd.

Same as usual.
Nothing but sex.

He never seems to
think of anything else.

-Send him in.
-Yes, sir.

Ackroyd!

Really!

(CHORTLING)

Ackroyd, this letter!

Well, there's nothing
censorable in it, is there, sir?

Well, not in a military sense, no.

Well, what's the matter with it, then?

Well, I mean, must you
be quite so blatant?

It's identical to that dreadful one
you wrote last week.

Ah, that was to
a different girl, sir.

(TUTTING)

I know it's none of
my business, Ackroyd,

but if i wrote that sort of thing
to my fiancée, I...

well, I don't know what she'd say.

Well, you could have a try, sir.
I mean, you got nothing to lose, have ya?

On the contrary, Ackroyd,
I have a great deal to lose.

When i was posted overseas,
I promised Margaret, that is, my fiancée,

that i'd do nothing beastly.
And i shall stick by that.

Well, sir, I'd do the same, sir,
if i had a fiancée like yours.

You would?

That'll be all, Ackroyd.

You'd think that whoever
selected this unit

was trying to palm off
every dud in the regiment.

Yes, sir.

(SIGHING)

Right. Theirs or ours?

Theirs, sir.

Ye... No, no!

No! Ours!
No, no, no! Theirs!

I think.

No good thinking.
Got to be certain.

One of ours!

I don't think so, sir.

The shape of the funnel suggests
a Bremen-class transport.

Are you sure, Sergeant?

Hey, Ackroyd!

-Ackroyd!
-Sir!

-Is that a Bremen-class transport?
-Yes, sir.

Thought it was.

Yeah, well, we'll try
another one now.

Ackroyd! Are you smoking?

No, sir.

Oh, er... Yes, sir.

Oh, well, I thought it might
add a bit of realism, sir.

You know, er...
smoke from the funnel, like.

Put that cigarette out!

Yes, sir.

BROWN:
Right, now we'll try submarines.

-Theirs or ours?
-Ours, sir.

-Right!
(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

-Carry on.
-Yes, sir.

-Good morning, Brown.
-Morning, sir.

How are things coming along?

Oh, fine, sir, fine.

Oh, this is Lieutenant Babbington.

-Oh, how d'you do, Babbington?
-How d'you do?

Babbington's number one
on the submarine

that will be taking you
on your little jaunt to...

-you know where.
-Oh, good show!

He's kindly consented to give you
a few tips on launching your dinghy.

That's right, isn't it, Lieut...

A little idea of mine.
Ship recognition made easy.

You're hardly likely to encounter
a Japanese submarine in these waters.

-Ackroyd!
-Yes, sir!

What the hell do you
think you're doing?

What you told me to do, sir.

Well, use your loaf.
That's a Jap sub.

-Well, you issued it, sir.
-Oh.

Well, you'll have to
excuse us, sir. We're...

rather new at this game.

Well, come on. We'd better
get down to the training pool.

The Lieutenant can only
spare half an hour.

-Yeah. Bring all your equipment.
-All our equipment?

Well, of course. You're not going to
invade in your bathing trunks.

Oh, yes, sir.
Yes, of course, sir.

-All set to have a go, sir.
-Right!

Carry on, Babbington, will you?

Well, here's the drill.

You'll have exactly sixty seconds
to get out of the for'ard hatch,

inflate your dinghy, launch it,
and climb aboard.

As you'll be doing it in the dark,
you'll need to be well rehearsed.

-Fair enough.
-Right! Well, let's have a shot at it.

I'll time you.

-Ready, Brown?
-Yes, sir.

-Right. Go!
-Inflate dinghy!

(HISSING)

When you're ready,
Lieutenant Brown.

I'm so sorry, sir.

Be more careful next time, Finch.

That's right. The sea will be
a lot deeper where you're going.

Ready, sir!

Launch dinghy!

It's a good idea to make fast
before you climb aboard.

Make fast!

It'll be at least a week

before this lot can manage
without getting wet.

Now, come on, chaps. We've been
rehearsing this for three weeks.

Let's try and break the record.
Ackroyd! Sergeant Bolter!

Launch dinghy!

Finch! W.T.

Weapons!

Ammo!

Right, Finch! In you go!

-How long, sir?
-Fifty-eight seconds, including inflation.

Right! Here i come.

Well done!

Now, we'll try it on the water.
Come on!

Ah!
None of you chaps hungry?

Oh!
Didn't know they were there.

Hmm. Well, now, I thought
you'd like to see

where we're dropping
you off tomorrow.

Now, um...

there's your island, there.

We'll surface here,
at approximately 0200 hours.

And i want you ready
five minutes before then.

Right.

Then we'll pick you up in
exactly forty-eight hours' time.

So when you're ready,
flash your Aldis lamp three times

and we'll acknowledge
as soon as we see it. All right?

Are you, er, cold?

Well, a bit.

It's a responsibility, you know.

I should, er...
have a drink of that tea.

It might make you feel better.

-Hmm, rum!
-Mmm.

With the compliments of the Navy.

Launch dinghy.

Make fast!

Oh, come on, you chaps.
Put a jerk into it.

We don't want to be here all night.

Come on, chaps.
Let's show the Navy what we do.

-Ready for the equipment, sir.
-Right!

-Finch! Help me load the W.T.
-Right, sir.

-Ow!
-What's the matter?

I caught my little finger, sir.

Can't you pongos make
less bloody noise?

-There's a war on.
-Sorry.

Quiet, chaps.

-Here.
-Is that the lot?

In you go, Finch.

Right, here i come.

Good luck.

-Who's got the paddles?
-You have, haven't you, sir?

Oh, Lord! I've forgotten them.

Blimey!
What are we gonna do now?

Paddle with your hands,
and be quick about it,

or we'll get sucked under.
Come on! Come on!

-Yes. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out...
- I say, sir! Sir!

Should we still be tied
to the submarine?

-Cut the painter, you idiot!
-Oh, yes, of course.

Not you, sir. Finch!

Oh!

That was a near thing.
Sorry, chaps.

How'd you like a drink, sir?
Steady your nerves.

Thank you.

Mmm, rum.

-Where'd you get this, Ackroyd?
-Compliments of the Navy, sir.

Really, Ackroyd!
Still, as it's here...

Well, shall we get cracking?

Yes. I reckon we're about
a quarter of a mile offshore.

Shouldn't take us more than
about half an hour.

-All right, get paddling.
-Right.

In. Out. In. Out.

Well, we can't go on like this.

-We're getting nowhere.
-No, sir.

Well, it's a good job
there ain't no Germans about.

We'd have been knocked off
hours ago.

I say, sir! Sir!

Wouldn't it be a good idea
if we swam ashore, sir?

Well, I suppose it would.
Only i can't swim.

If we three go over the side, sir,
we could tow you in.

All right, you two,
get your boots off.

I've anticipated you, Sergeant.
I've got mine off already.

I'm actually rather a keen swimmer.

-I once nearly...
-All right. Well, over you go, then.

Very good, Sergeant.

I'm frightfully sorry, sir.

It... It's not as deep as i thought.

There y'are, we could have
waded ashore a long time ago,

if someone had took a sounding.

Oh, thank you.

Um...

Well, it's not going to be much fun,
lugging our equipment up that lot.

Still, it's got to be done.

You two unload the dinghy,
the Sergeant and i'll make a recce.

Yes, sir.

-And go easy with the W.T.
-Yes, sir.

He's a regular little Montgomery,
ain't he?

You'd think he'd been in the Army
ten years, instead of ten minutes.

Oh, I don't know.
I-I think he's doing rather well,

considering it's his first invasion.

Well, I hope Monty
does better with his.

Ooh, careful!

What's the matter, mate?
You drop it on your plates?

I stubbed my toe.

It's extremely painful.

Well, he said to be careful
with the W.T., so watch it, mate.

Well, I'm doing my best.

And would you mind
not calling me "mate"?

My name’s Eric.

'Ere, well, I'll tell you what, Eric.
I'll manage that on me own.

You drag the dinghy up
and hide it behind them rocks.

Well, this seems
the best way to the top.

D'you think we can
get our equipment up?

We'll manage.

Come on, Eric, hurry up!

I say, Ackers,
look what i've found!

-You mind it don't go off bang.
-Oh, don't be an ass.

It's probably two thousand years old.

Yes! Graeco-Roman.

Second or third century B.C.

Undoubtedly used for
some domestic purpose.

Yeah, kept under the bed,
very likely.

All right, don't worry about that now.
Let's get the dinghy emptied.

Looks like Intelligence were right.

The place is completely deserted.

I think we ought to make sure, sir.
It's quite a big island.

First things first, Sergeant.

We'll find a suitable place
for our observation post

and set up a watch.

After that,
we'll make another recce.

-Very well, sir.
-And get the men.

Yes, sir.

-Buck up with the tea, Finch.
-Oh, won't be long, sir.

-Any contact yet, Sergeant?
-Something coming through, sir.

Hold on!
I think i've got Radio Cairo.

-But...
-Anything wrong?

No, sir.
Rather good news, really.

It sounds as if the Allies
have invaded Sicily.

Good heavens!

Then we've been sent here
on a wild goose chase.

Now, I don't want to hear
that kind of talk, Ackroyd.

You heard what Major Mortimer said.

The invasion of Sicily
is probably a diversion anyway.

The main thrust may yet
come through here.

In which case, our task
will be all the more important.

All right, fall out for five minutes.

Cor, what a dump!

No wonder everyone scarpered.

It's lucky we're not going to
be here long, sir.

There doesn't seem to be
any fresh water.

Well, I hope Finch will go easy
with what we've got.

What's he supposed to be cooking?

He said he was
rather good on soup, sir.

Oops! Listen, if he's good on anything,
I'll kiss my Aunt Nellie's...

(DISTANT WHOOPING)

What d'you make of that, Sergeant?

Sounded like someone shouting
in a foreign language to me.

Probably wants to know the time.

Get down, you fool.
Do you want to be shot?

Huh! It's all right, sir.
Take a butcher's 'ook.

Oh, it's that idiot Finch.

And i told him
not to leave the post.

Well, let's face it, sir,

if there were any Germans
on this side of the island,

they'd have known about us by now.

Yeah, well, I'm afraid
you're right, Sergeant.

Well, I suppose the best thing
we can do

is to remain
at our observation post

until we're picked up
tomorrow night.

That doesn't mean
"reduce our vigilance", Ackroyd.

-Um... Er, no, sir.
-Right.

Soup's up!

Oh, hello, sir.
I've been looking for you everywhere.

-Soup's up.
-You indescribable clot!

Haven't you learnt anything
since you were in the Army?

I-I was only doing my best, sir.

Well, no sign of them yet.

They're over two hours late.

-Anything come through yet, Sergeant?
-No, sir.

Flash the Aldis again, Ackroyd.

Sir, what happens if
the Navy doesn't arrive?

We'll have to wait till they do.

Well, if you ask me,
we're up to our neck.

Well, nobody did ask you.

It's a pity we can't give them
a call on the W.T., sir.

Now, you know our orders, Sergeant.
We're only to break W.T. silence

-when reporting enemy movements.
-Yes, sir, but...

You'll have to leave that
to my judgement.

In the meantime, let's be patient.
Try again, Ackroyd.

0800 hours, sir.
No sign of anything.

I've just been listening to the news.

There's no doubt the main
offensive is through Sicily.

I expect, in the excitement,
they've forgotten all about us.

Oh, I sincerely hope not.

-Better wake up the other two.
-Yes, sir.

Ackroyd! Ackroyd!

Come on!
Finch! Finch!

Wake up! Come on!

You'd better get some
breakfast going, Ackroyd.

-Go easy with the water.
-Yes, sir.

(YAWNING) I'll make the tea
with rum if you like, sir.

In that case, sir, could i go
and have a wash and brush-up?

-Yeah, but don't be too long about it.
-Right, sir.

We'll have to start looking round
for some food shortly, sir.

Our rations won't last
more than a day.

Wonder if there's
anything to shoot.

There's plenty of fish
in the sea, sir.

Oh, that's a good idea, Ackroyd.

Pity you didn't
mention that to Finch.

Finch?
He couldn't catch anything.

Not even a cold.

Good morning!

Gott im Himmel!

I say, that's Ge... German.

-Englander!
-Ooh!

Sir! Sir!

Sergeant!

Sergeant!

Sir! Sir!

Sergeant!

Can't you stop Finch from always
bellowing at the top of his voice?

Sir... Sir... Sir...

Well, Finch, what is it?
Can't it wait till you get dressed?

-Sir! I've seen a German, sir.
-A German?

-Yes, sir.
-Are you sure?

I'm quite sure, sir.
I-I heard him speak, sir.

-Well, did you attack him?
-Oh, no, sir. I couldn't, sir.

-He hadn't any clothes on.
-Well, did he attack you?

No, sir. I hadn't any
clothes on either, sir.

Blimey! What a war!
The battle of the sunbathers.

If there's one,
there must be others.

Well, come on! We'd better
find them before they find us.

-Yes, come on, Sir.
-And, Finch...

-Yes, sir?
-Will you please get properly dressed.

Oh, yes! Oh, sorry, sir.

(INAUDIBLE)

Come on!

Well, where?

Oh... come on!

-Finch!
-Yes, sir?

-Sorry, sir.
-Are you sure you saw a German?

Yes, sir. Quite sure, sir.

I'm frightfully sorry, sir.

Look!

BROWN:
Looks like some sort of fortress.

It's a monastery, sir.

Early Byzantine.

-Good gracious!
-What is it, sir?

Look up on the right-hand wall.

Pants and socks!

And i bet they're not
early Byzantine, neither.

-D'you think that's a German H.Q., sir?
-Yes.

And they're probably
out looking for us.

Oh, dear!

I hope there ain't many of 'em.

There can't be many.

Whatever their number,
we've got to shift 'em.

There's no alternative.

we'll lay up for the rest of the day
and get some rest.

-We attack after dark.
-Oh, dear. Oh, dear!

BROWN: There's a light showing.
They're not expecting us. All set?

-Yes, sir.
-Right! Ackroyd!

-Sir!
-You stay here and give cover,

-and don't hesitate to fire if necessary.
-Yes, sir.

-Finch!
-Yes, sir?

There's a door straight ahead.
You make for it

-and when i give the order, open it.
-Yes, sir.

I'll go in first with the Tommy gun,
you next, Sergeant, then Finch.

-Understood?
-Yes, sir.

Right, good luck.

-Come on, let's go. Finch?
-Yes, sir.

Ow!

Quiet! You clot!

-Sorry, sir. I caught my foot.
-Get on!

(CLATTERING)

Sorry, sir.
I caught the other one.

Go on! The door!

Oh, dear!

Ooh!

Charge, sir!

Blast! It's jammed!

Doesn't seem to be
anyone at home, sir.

Well, maybe it's a trick.
Split up.

Sir?

I-I-I suppose that couldn't be
a white flag, could it, sir?

It could be, I suppose.

It is a white flag.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Allow me to introduce myself.

Hauptmann...
I beg your pardon,

Captain Eduard von Krisling,
at your service.

-Hands up!
-Oh, come now, Lieutenant,

there's no need for dramatics.

Hands up or i shoot!

Shoot an officer
who's shown the white flag?

Surely that's not cricket?

Well, see what he's got
to say for himself.

Perhaps he wants to surrender.

I presume you wish to surrender.

How many men have you got?

The same number as you have.

Three.

Now, may i ask you a question?

Certainly not!
You're my prisoner.

On the contrary,
we are having a parley

under the white flag.

Oh, well... What is it?

Perhaps your other man,
the one outside, would, er...

care to join us?

-What d'you think, Sergeant?
-I suppose it's all right.

-Finch, get Ackroyd.
-Yes, Sergeant.

Excuse me.

Er... Schmidt!

Vier Bier, bitte.

That is a secret passage
leading to the vaults below.

Most of the old monasteries
have at least one of them.

(CLATTERING)

Sorry, sir. I caught my...

Here... Here's Ackers, sir.

Cor! Have we won already?

Won't you sit down, gentlemen?

Do you, er... smoke?

No, thank you.

Ah, gentlemen! Let me introduce
Hermann Schmidt, our cook.

I say, have you got
a fizzy lemonade, please?

Ja, ja

Cheerio!

Now, isn't this better
than lying dead outside?

-Oh, rather!
-What d'you mean?

We could have picked you off
any time we wished.

However, I am a peaceful man

and do not care for
unnecessary bloodshed.

Now, to business.

Let me tell you my position.

I was posted to this island
eighteen months ago,

to take charge of
a U-boat supply depot,

which is located beneath
this monastery.

However, I have received
no orders,

no communication from anyone
for the past nine months.

A situation which i find most agreeable,

and which i hope will continue
until the war is over.

You mean they've
forgotten all about you?

Precisely.

In the confusion of modern war,

it often happens to a small unit
such as ours.

Well, we haven't been forgotten.

Yeah, and we haven't been
picked up yet, neither.

Until you are, there are
two courses open to us.

Either to fight it out...

and, having
unlimited food and ammunition,

we are bound to win.

Or, we can settle down
and live harmoniously

until either your side,
or mine, arrives on the scene.

What an outrageous suggestion!

We fight it out.

Don't be too hasty, Lieutenant.
Think it over.

It seems to me a thoroughly
logical and intelligent scheme.

Well, if you think we're gonna
hob-nob with a bunch of Germans...

It was merely a suggestion.

We don't want to be killed
any more than you do.

Perhaps you'd like to talk it over
amongst yourselves.

Shall we declare an amnesty for,
say, er...

twenty-four hours?

I take it that none of us
is in a hurry to die.

It's a preposterous idea.

-Not worth considering.
-Oh, why not, sir?

Because a soldier just
doesn't do that sort of thing.

Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir.

During Alexander's march
to the Red Sea...

I meant a British soldier.

Twenty-four hours, then?

Very well.
Can't do any harm, I suppose.

Twenty-four hours, then.

But no monkey business.
Otherwise, the whole thing's off.

You have my word.

I presume that i have yours.

Until eleven-thirty tomorrow night,
then, gentlemen.

(CLATTERING)

(INSECTS CHIRRUPING)

D'you think the Navy
will turn up, Sergeant?

I don't see why not.

Well, what'll we do
if they don't?

Fight, of course.

Fat lot of good
that'll do us.

Look, I don't see any point
in all getting knocked off,

when we can come to
a nice, friendly arrangement, like.

-Do you, sir?
-Well, naturally not.

Now, look here, Ackroyd.
I don't want that kind of talk.

And put that cigar away.

-May i say something, sir?
-BROWN: Well, what is it, Finch?

Well, I've been thinking, sir.

If they've been forgotten
for nine months,

and we've only been forgotten
for twenty-two hours,

then our Navy's bound to
turn up before theirs.

Yeah!

And then they'd be our prisoners,
and Bob's your uncle.

Wouldn't they, sir?

Yes, there's something in that.

What do you think, Sergeant?

You know what i think, sir.
I want no part of it.

Yeah, I see what you mean.

(BIRDS SINGING)

Well, I've made up my mind, Sergeant,

and i'm breaking W.T. silence
and asking for instructions.

-The set's packed up.
-What's wrong with it?

I think it's one of the valves.

It must have had
some sort of a knock.

Oh, my goodness, I hope not.
We haven't got any spares.

Oh, I know what it is.
It's sabotage!

Those blasted Germans!
All that talk of a truce.

Ah, it isn't that, sir.
It's been working all right till now.

Well, then, it's that
damn fool Finch.

Where is he?

Trying to catch our breakfast.

Wait! I'll get the hat.

Oh, it's a bit small, isn't it?

Listen, a sardine's
better than a tadpole, mate.

-Good morning, gentlemen.
-Oh, good morning, sir.

Um... We, er...

What's the matter?
You trying to win the Iron Cross?

Well, what else could i say?

Nothing! Clot!

Come on.

If you're looking for fish,
you won't find them there.

Could we ask him
where we will?

-He won't tell us.
-We could try.

Where is the best place,
mein Herr?

Ah, that is a secret,
for the moment.

But one thing i can tell you.

Grilled, they're delicious.

"Grilled, they're delicious"!

I'd like to grill him.
Both sides.

It's had it.

Damn! Now we're left to fight
without communications,

about a hundred rounds of ammo,
and no supplies.

Well, don't worry, sir.
We'll do our best.

You're right, Sergeant.
We mustn't give in.

-Ah, did you catch anything?
-How would you like them, sir?

Filleted or à la maison?

Ho! They're a bit small, aren't they?

The German officer said we were
fishing in the wrong place, sir.

You haven't been talking to him?

Um... No, not exactly, sir.
He, um... He talked to us.

Oh! Well, it's no good
cooking those things.

Come on, we must find ourselves
some food and some fresh water.

There's bound to be a well
in the monastery, sir.

Yes, and i dare say we'll find
pussy at the bottom of it.

I don't like the look
of that machine gun.

Neither do i, but i'm
more concerned at the moment

with finding out where they
get their water.

Yeah, and havin' a drink of it.

Yes, well, we won't stand
much chance against that gun.

Probably got others as well.

Mind you, British soldiers have
overcome greater odds than these.

Yeah, well, the whole thing
makes no sense to me.

Either we kill them
or they Kill us.

It makes no difference.

Shut up, Ackroyd! I've had enough
of your defeatist talk.

It's not defeatist.
It's using your loaf.

Look, we play ball
till the Navy gets back,

we live to fight till another day.
That should suit you.

What do you think, sir?

Well, if i thought they were doing
anything to help the German war effort,

I wouldn't even consider the matter.

But they're not.

It doesn't matter to the Germans
whether they're alive or dead.

-What do you think, Sergeant?
-A soldier's duty's to fight.

"Ours is not to reason why,
ours is but to do or die."

-Shakespeare.
-No, no. Lord Tennyson.

Oh, yeah.

I wish sometimes they'd discuss
situations like this in OCTU.

I'm sure there are many
historical precedents, sir.

During the Peninsula War,
they did no fighting in the winter at all.

Well, what's that got to do with it?

Well, nothing, really.

It was just a matter of expediency.

Expediency! That's it!

I'll play that German officer
at his own game.

I fancy i'm just as clever as he is.

-Yes, yes, of course you are, sir.
-Well, that settles it.

We'll box clever till
the Navy arrives. Agreed?

-Agreed.
-Rather!

Right! Follow me.

Well, it looks like we'll be
getting our dinner after all.

Setz dich!

Ah, Lieutenant!
Good morning.

You have reached a decision?

Yes, I have decided
to avoid unnecessary bloodshed,

and i'm willing to discuss
your proposition.

Splendid, splendid.

But first, er...
won't you join us at lunch?

-If you insist.
-Oh, but naturally.

If your men will join
Feldwebel Meister.

-Herr Meister!
-Zu Befehl, Herr Hauptmann.

Sergeant, carry on.

Lieutenant, please.

I am delighted that common sense
has prevailed, Lieutenant.

Between ourselves,
it'll be a relief

to have someone of my own
intellectual standards to talk to.

It's very nice of you to say so.

Château Petit Village.

One may not like the French people,

but one cannot help
appreciating their wines.

-Delicious!
-Ah!

Help yourself.

Oh, come, come, Lieutenant.
Take as much as you want.

We have enough here
to last us for years.

Here, look at this.
Tinned chicken.

You're living like kings.

Better than the NAAFI, eh, Sarge?

I would like it clearly understood

that i'm not in agreement with
the Herr Hauptmann's arrangements.

Neither am i.

Well, er...
Now you've got that settled,

do you mind if
i salt and pepper up?

Right.

My goodness,
that was a good lunch.

You have an excellent cook,
Hauptmann.

Oh, Schmidt isn't bad, considering.

But, of course, he has
a limited repertoire.

Perhaps, tomorrow,
one of your men

-would like to try his hand?
-Oh, you like English food?

Oh, yes, indeed.
I learned to enjoy it at Oxford.

-I'm a Balliol man.
-Oh?

Mmm. Er... I though this the most
suitable spot to discuss our, er...

-non-aggression pact.
(CHUCKLING)

-Please.
-Thank you.

Ah!

Ah!

Now, my suggestion is

that our two forces do what, er...
little work there is,

cleaning, cooking, and so on.

And you and i take alternate weeks
as camp commandant.

Purely nominal duties, of course.
Will that suit you?

Oh, well, that seems fair enough.

Should the British
arrive here first,

then we will be your prisoners.

But should the Germans,
you will be ours. Agreed?

Agreed.

Good! Then, till either of these
unpleasant eventualities occur,

let us enjoy the pleasures
of the Adriatic.

Agreed.

-Schmidt! Tisch abdecken.
-Jawohl, Herr Feldwebel.

We'll do our own work.
Ackroyd, Finch.

Diesen weg.

I have been ordered by
the Herr Hauptmann

to provide you with accommodation.

I arranged it as far away
from ours as possible.

Good!
Well, let's have a look at it.

Alles die Sachen auf den Tisch, bitte.

I-I say, as we're all sort of new boys,
so to speak,

wouldn't it be a jolly good idea
if we introduced ourselves?

This is Frederick Ackroyd
and i'm Eric Finch.

(CLICKING HEELS)
Johann Wolfgang Voss.

Hermann Schmidt von Düsseldorf.
(CLICKING HEELS)

I say, not the Johann Wolfgang Voss,

who wrote
Ten Thousand Decades Before Man”?

-Ja! You know it?
-Ja. I mean, yes.

I say, what a bit of luck, Ackers.

Professor Voss is one of the world's
most famous archaeologists.

Ooh! How perfectly spiffing.

-Ah, you are interested?
-Yes, I... I mean ja.

Ach! Ich habe auf diese Insel wunder...

Excuse me,

but i have found on this island
some very interesting things.

-You like to see them?
-Oh, rather.

I say, Ackers, do you think
anyone'd mind?

Why should they?

This may be the start
of a beautiful friendship.

FINCH:
Great Scott! A pterodactyl!

VOSS:
Ja.

- I think a perfect skeleton.
-Yes.

It's long and tedious work.

If only i had some help.

Oh, I'd be greatly honoured
to help you, Prof.

I've often helped Dr Wentworth,
the head, in the school museum.

-I'm not very good at it, I'm afraid.
-No, that's good.

-Come, we start at once, mmm?
-Oh, I say.

In two weeks, we lay it bare, ja?

Oh, how absolutely super.

Oh, oh!
Oh, I'm so sorry, Professor.

(CHUCKLING)
That's all right.

Hup... down. Hup... down.
Hup... down. Hup... down.

-BROWN: Good morning.
-Good morning.

-Would you care to join us?
-Er, no, thank you.

I'm going for a swim.

-(CLICKING HEELS)
-Guten Morgen, Feldwebel.

Guten Morgen, Herr Hauptmann.

Hup... down. Hup!

All right, that's enough.
Stand easy.

Couple of words before you dismiss.

Routine orders for the day.

I shall expect you to
keep your quarters spotless

and to give a hand with
the general domestic services, et cetera.

-Understood?
-ALL: Yes, sir.

As part of the, er... peace terms,
I've agreed with Hauptmann von Krisling

we shall be responsible,
on alternate days,

for the cooking arrangements.

Would, er... one of you
care to volunteer?

Right, Ackroyd, you're the cook.

Oi, turn it up, sir.
What about Finchy?

Why should he lay in the sun all day
while i cook my fingers to the bone?

You heard what
the lieutenant said, Ackroyd.

Listen, I can't even boil an egg.

Well, do your best, Ackroyd.
It's only a matter of common sense.

Just throw a few things in the pan
and see they don't burn and all that.

-All right. Dismiss.
-Charming.

Er, Finchy, what about
giving us a hand, then, eh?

Sorry, Ackers, I'm going to be busy
with the professor all morning.

So get crackin', Ackroyd.

Righto, Schmidty.
I am cook today.

Ach, du bist Koch heute.
Das ist gut.

Ach, benutszt was du willst,
Töpfe und Pfannen,

und das ist der beste Tisch
für Kochen.

Und da hast du Messer,
auch Konservenöffner, was du willst.

Und was wir nicht hier haben,
haben wir in diesem kleinen Zimmer hier.

Schau.

Und was wir nicht hier haben,
haben wir im Keller.

Weißt du, an was ich mich
am meisten freue?

Wennst du willst heute
das Mittagessen kochen!

Well, thank you very much
for your interesting little talk.

Ja, ja, ja, das ist gut.

Didn't understand
a bloody word of it.

(BIRDS SINGING)

What is your fellow giving us,
by the way?

Oh, I-I didn't order
anything specific. I, er...

rather left it to him.

What is it, Ackroyd?

Well, I don't know really, sir.

But it's a sort of, er...
Lancashire hotpot-cum-chop suey.

Well, don't look at it, sir.
Eat it.

Oh! That's enough for me,
thank you.

(SNIFFING)

Mmm!

Delicious, absolutely delicious.

Golly!

Oh, this is the best curry
i've tasted for years.

Congratulations, Ackroyd.

Excellent!

Oh, thank you, sir.

Bitte sag den Herrn Ackroyd,
er ist ein Genie,

und er muss mir das Rezept geben.

Schmidt says that you are a genius,

and i agree with him.

I say, Ackers,
it's absolutely whizzo.

Yeah, looks like you're
elected cook for keeps.

Well, that's the last time
he gets asked.

-Hello, Ackers. Seen the prof?
-No.

Oh, I expect he's
gone down to the site.

I say, Ackers, would you like to see
the professor's pterodactyl?

I beg your pardon?
Certainly not.

You never get tired of polishing
that gun, do you, Sergeant?

No, Finch.

You never know
when it may be needed.

(CHUCKLING)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

(GROANING)

(GROANING)

Get up!

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

This isn't gettin' us anywhere.

Beatin' you up isn't gonna
make me feel any better.

We are soldiers.
It is our duty to fight.

To take part in this war.

The war's left us behind.

And there's nothing
we can do about it.

We could escape.

(PANTING)

Could we get to Greece
in a dinghy?

Men have made
more difficult journeys.

Yeah, I'm prepared to have a go.
How about you?

Ja.

Right. Then we'll leave
as soon as possible.

(PANTING)

Do have another glass, Pomeroy.

A very rich and vibrant vintage,
don't you think?

You really are most fortunate
with your wines, Eduard.

Oh, well, naturally. As messing officer,
I selected them myself.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

No, no, Eric.

This is the lower breast bone.

Really?

Here, Professor.

If i had your brains, I'd assemble
a different kind of bird to that.

A nice pink one with lovely
golden hair and two enormous...

All right, Ackroyd.
2200 hours. Your guard.

(DOOR CLOSING)

(YAWNING)

Ich bin miide, Schmidt.
Ich gehe ins Bett. Gute Nacht.

Gute Nacht, Herr Feldwebel.

-Setz dich. Setz dich.
-Ja.

-BOLTER: The supplies are all loaded.
-I have the paddles.

BOLTER: Give me a hand.
Come on, let's go.

-♪ Pom pom-pom-pom pom pom pom... ♪
-Oh, hello, sir. Going fishing?

Ha! Thought i'd chance my arm.

Jolly good, sir.
Hope you catch some whoppers.

Ah, so do i.

I say, what's that, Prof?

I don't know yet. We have much
to dig before we can tell.

Right!

Careful, Eric.

Oh, I'm frightfully sorry, Prof.
I got carried away.

Digging for victory and all that.

(CHUCKLING)
Oh, sorry!

WOMAN:
Upomoć!

Upomoć!

Finch! Voss!

Come quickly!

That sounds like the C.O.

I think he wants us.
It sounds important.

Oh, what could be important
on this island? Please, Eric.

Eh? Oh, sorry.

Finch! Voss!

Quickly, I can't swim.

Pomožiš, ja zadavim se!

Hang on.
I'll be with you in a minute.

-Upomoć!
-Coming! Coming!

Pomožiš, ja zadavim se!

Pomoći su mi!

Upomoć!

(SPLUTTERING)
Help! Help! I... I can't swim!

Ack... Ackroyd! Finch!

Finch!

You can relax now, Eric.

I say, I hope the C.O.
isn't in a wax with us.

I think i'd better go and
see what he wanted.

I'll say we didn't hear him.

Yes, but then how would you know
that he wanted us?

Oh, I hadn't thought of that.

Good gracious!
The C.O.'s caught a woman.

(CHUCKLING)
Whoo-hoo!

I say, are you all right?

Ooh, sir!
How do you do?

My name's Eric Finch.
This is Professor Voss.

C-Can i help you?

Ah! Freut mich!

Kann ich Ihnen behelfen sein?

She doesn't seem to speak
English or German, sir.

Oh?

Bura nas je zatekla
na ribarenju prosle noći.

Naš se camac izvrnuo.

Mrtva sam gladna i umorna.

I think she's some sort of a Slav, sir.

Oh, can you understand?

No, we don't do that
at Botany House, sir.

Um...
Parlez-vous français?

Parlo un po I'italiano.

Oh, really? Eyetie, sir.
Um...

Cosi ti, er... e...
er... successo?

(EMPHATICALLY)
What 'appen to you?

Fui annegata nella tempesta.

Sono stanca morta ed ho fame.

Good gracious!

What did she say?

Well, something about being
sort of shipwrecked, sir,

-and she's sort of hungry.
-Why didn't you say so before?

We must take her to the monastery
right away, and, er...

-get these wet clothes off her.
- I say, steady, sir.

-Oh, well, you know what i mean.
-Excuse me.

(BROWN GROANING)

Don't worry, sir.
Back for you in a jiff.

(GROANING)

If i was you, I'd stick a few
dried prunes in that stew.

-Make a nice change.
-I say, Ackers, quickly.

The Hauptmann wants
some hot coffee immediately.

Now what's the matter with him?

It's only half past nine, and
already he wants his elevenses.

Coffee won't be a moment, sir.

Um... Il caffè pronto una minute,
so don't worry.

Oh, hello, sir.
Still feeling dicky?

Well, you're a fine lot,
I must say.

There was i...

Oh, hello!

I say, er...

though we have met before,
we've, um...

not been properly introduced.

Er... My name is Lieutenant Brown.

She doesn't understand
a word you say, Pomeroy.

-She's a Slav.
-Oh, that's a pity.

Hmm. We must do something about her.
Make some arrangements for her.

Find her somewhere to sleep.

Oh, well, she can come
into my room.

And I... I mean, er... er...
I'll move in with you.

Certainly not.
Most inconvenient.

-For both of us, I mean.
-Oh, all right.

Um... Where's Sergeant Bolter?

I-I don't know, sir.
He seems to have disappeared.

I think he and Sergeant Meister
must have gone on a fishing expedition.

Oh! Oh, well, then,
I suggest that, um...

we put this young lady into
Bolter's room,

and then Bolter can move in
with you, Finch.

-Yes, sir.
-Is that all right with you, Eduard?

Very well.

But she must take things quietly
for the next twenty-four hours.

Tomorrow, she should be
fully recovered, I hope.

Yes, sir. So do i.

-Blimey!
-(CLATTERING)

Crumpet!

In view of yesterday's
unexpected turn of events...

I refer, of course, to having
a female person in our midst.

Hauptmann von Krisling and myself

have decided to enforce
stringent regulations.

One, there will be no swearing.

Two, personnel will appear
properly dressed at all times.

Three, female quarters will
be out of bounds

to all ranks.

Four, when the lady goes
to the beach for ablutions,

her privacy will be respected.

Is that clear?

Anything you wish to add?

If i may.

Most of us haven't seen a woman
for a considerable time.

I suggest, therefore, that we try
to keep our sense of proportion.

You will be helped in this respect

by thinking constantly
of your wife, your sweetheart,

even your sister or mother.

In this way, we can hope to give
this unfortunate young woman

the respect her sex deserves.

Thank you very much, Eduard.

Admirable sentiments.

All right, men. Dismiss.

You know, I... I can't think what's
happened to Bolter and Meister.

Don't worry. Meister's
the most reliable man i've got.

What's your name, then, sweetheart?

In any case, we have
more important things to think about.

Yes, yes, of course.

Ah, um...

Come ti chiami?

Ah! Elsa.

Oh, Elsa. Cor, lovely!

-BROWN: Ackroyd!
-Sir!

Haven't you any work to do?

Well, er... er...
fortunately, no, sir.

I-I don't start the cooking
for another hour or so yet, sir.

I say, don't you think we should
tell her to button up her shirt?

It's most disturbing for the men.

Oh, I quite agree.

-Finch!
-Yes, sir?

Tell her to, um...
button up her shirt.

-Me, sir?
-Well, certainly.

You're the only one
who speaks her lingo.

Oh, sir...

Um... I-I-I'ufficiale, um, er,
dice, um, I, er...

b-b-b-b-bottone...

Ah! Sí.

Er... No, no, no, no
Abo... Abo... Abo... Abo...

Abbotonali. Up, up, up.

Non c'è bisogno.
Vado a fare il bagno.

Oh.

Your Italian seems a bit rusty, Finch.

Well, I'm sorry, sir.
I did my best.

Anyway, she's going for a bathe, sir.

Ackroyd! Where are you going?
You know my instructions.

Oh, I wasn't going
onto the beach, sir.

I was just going to look
for something tasty.

-For lunch, sir.
-Well, look in the kitchen.

Yes, sir.

Come, Eric.
We go to the diggings, ja?

Oh, do we have to?

I do hope this girl isn't going to
cause any trouble.

Oh, you needn't worry, Pomeroy,
with that lovely fiancée of yours.

-And you're married, aren't you?
-Alas, er...

unhappily.

And now, if you'll excuse me,
I think i'll do a little bird watching.

(SCHMIDT CHUCKLING)

I say!

Ja! It's a very good
example of its kind.

Beautifully formed.

-Do you not agree?
-I certainly do.

I say, d'you think
it's all right to look, Prof?

Hmm?

Oh, Eric!

You should be ashamed
from yourself.

You've seen a woman before, ja?

But never a fossil such as this.

Oh, I-I wasn't looking
on purpose, Prof.

The fact is, it's the first time
I've seen a girl in the...

(CHUCKLING)
in the altogether.

Eric, there's nothing to see.

Just pink flesh and
boom boom boom.

The best thing is to forget
all about them, and, if you can't,

take the cold bath.

Yeah, that's what Dr Wentworth
told the chaps at Botany House.

It just doesn't seem
to work with me.

I know this'll sound odd, Prof,
but, you know, I like girls.

Oh, Eric, Eric, Eric.
(TUTTING)

(DISCREET COUGH)

Ah, Pomeroy!

Er... Do have a look.

I shall do nothing
of the sort, Eduard.

-Mmm?
- I think it's outrageous.

Really?

I think it's rather charming.

-I can't see anything.
-Hmm? Oh, there.

Oh!

Oh, I-I do beg your pardon,
my dear fellow.

I...I thought you were
looking at something else.

Come, come, Pomeroy.

I hope you didn't think that
i was a Peeping Tom.

Well, no, no, of course not.
Naturally not.

My mistake.

(SIGHING)

We're not making any progress.
The current's dead against us.

What exactly are you suggesting?

There's no alternative.
We'll have to turn back.

You realise we shall be
treated as deserters?

We took the risk,
we must take the punishment.

All right.

-Mmm!
-You like it?

Ach! You imbecile!

-Why don't you look what you're doing?
-I'm sorry, sir.

Oh! Isn't it time you taught your men
how to serve a meal properly?

Well, really, there's no need
to creat a scene.

-Do remember there's a lady present.
-Well, I can hardly forget that,

with you sitting there, ogling her
like a lovesick schoolboy.

Well, really! I can't say you've
behaved any better yourself.

An unhappy marriage is no excuse

for playing footy-footy
underneath the table.

(SOBBING)

Now look and see what you've done.
You've made the girl blub.

VON KRISLING:
I've done no such thing.

Um, er...
Please accept our apologies.

We have both behaved like children.

-(SOBBING)
-Well, do something.

-Finch!
-Yes, sir?

-Come and find out what's the matter.
-Yes, sir.

Ask her what's worrying her.

Cosi hai, piccola mia?

-Danas su cerbe grordja...
-Ah, italiano, s'il vous plaît.

Ah... Sono cosi infelice.

Dorevo cominciare la danza

al Festivale del Vino
nel nostro villaggio.

-Ah.
-(SOBBING)

-Well, what does she say?
-She's unhappy, sir.

Well, we all know that, you fool.
But why?

Well, sir, it seems she was going to be
a sort of Queen of the Grapes

at some kind of wine festival.

Ah! The Goddess of Bacchanalia.

She's naturally disappointed
at missing it.

It was to be her big moment, you see.

Ah, I suppose these things mean
a lot in a woman's life, don't they?

Rather like being a debutante.

I quite agree.

Isn't there something
we could do about it?

How about havin' a party, sir?

We could crown her
Queen of the May.

Yes, we could all dress up
and have a Bacchanalian orgy,

just like from two thousand years ago.

Bacchanalian orgy?
I say, steady, Prof.

An admirable idea, Voss.

I'm sure the Lieutenant would agree.

Well, I'm a hundred per cent in favour,
but... how do we dress up?

Oh, we have plenty of sheets
in the storeroom,

and i will volunteer to be das Gratu...
How do you say? The...

Er... The mistress of the wardrobe.

Sir! Sir! Could we have a prize
for the best costume?

Why not?
If we're going to have a party,

let's do it properly.

Finch, er... tell her.

Yes, sir.

Er... er... Faccramo noi un
piccola festivale speciale per te.

Tu serai regina.

Oh, grazie, grazie, grazie.

Oh, grazie.

(DOOR OPENING)

Attention!

At ease!

-Ackroyd! The champagne.
-Yes, sir.

Now, Voss,
what's the programme?

First, we crown the
Goddess of Bacchanalia,

and then the public orator
makes a speech.

-And then?
-And then, we eat.

And then,
according to tradition,

there follows drunkenness,
debauchery,

and licentiousness
of all kinds.

Cor, lovely!

Oh, I... I don't think
we have to go that far.

Hear, hear, sir.

Schmidt! The crown.

Ja wohl Herr Leutnant.

für unsere Prinzessin von Bacchanalia.

ALL:
Prinzessin von Bacchanalia!

-Finch!
-Yes, sir?

-You'll have to be the public orator.
-Oh, all right, sir.

Ah, tonight we are...

Oh, sorry.
(CHUCKLING)

Er... Stasera, tu ci onora, er...

con la tua presenza e siamo
fiori di coronati Regina del Vino.

Bravo, Finch.

Sono commossa. Grazie.

Sono così felice.

Grazie a tutti.

In... In vita mia non sono
mai stata così felice.

Vi amo tutti.

Oh, she says,
"thank you very much”.

-Ah!
-Bravo!

Stasera, Elsa, tu sei bellissima.

I-I fiori nei tuoi capelli ti stanno bene.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Here, Professor. What about
all that tradition you were talking about?

It's getting a bit uppity here, ain't it?

Can't we liven things up a bit?

There should have been
the feats of prowess,

the Olympic Games, dancing.

Dancing, that's it!

-(SWITCHING OFF MUSIC)
-Excuse me, sir, but i've been approached

by one or two
of the other ranks, sir,

to see if we couldn't have
a bit of an 'op.

Er, dancing, like, sir.

That's a wonderful idea.

Will you start the dancing,
or shall i?

Oh, er, excuse me, sir, but, er...
the idea we had in mind, sir,

was something
a bit more communial, sir.

-Oh.
-Like the Paul Jones.

Oh, I see. Well, we're a bit
short of girls, aren't we?

Nevertheless, put on
an appropriate record.

-Yes, sir.
-Finch!

-Yes, sir?
-BROWN: We're having a Paul Jones.

Will you please explain
to Miss Elsa what happens?

Yes, sir.

Er... Paolo Jonesi, sí?

Here! Here's a turn-up for the books, sir.
The Gay Gordons.

Ah, a relic of my Oxford days.

I used to be
a very keen Scottish dancer.

-Were you really? Well, so was i.
-Oh?

I say, I suppose it's all right
to do an English dance

to a Scottish tune
dressed in a Roman costume.

Take your partners
for a Paul Jones, please.

Here, wait a minute.

Er, Professor, you take over
the gramophone,

'cause you're a bit
long in the tooth for dancing.

Now, lady in the centre,
and gentlemen form the circle.

All right, Voss.

(SCOTTISH DANCE PLAYING)

(WHOOPING)

(SUDDEN SILENCE)

ACKROYD: Come on, Schmidty,
you must have done a bit of dancing...

-Shall we?
-Well, if you insist.

(MUSIC STARTS AGAIN)

Marvellous, Schmidty.
You're light as a feather.

-Well?
-No point giving ourselves up tonight.

-We'd better wait till morning.
-We go now.

The Hauptmann is a just man.

I should prefer we face him tonight.

We go now.

(WHOOPING)

Here, look!

(SUDDEN SILENCE)

VON KRISLING:
Himmel! Pomeroy!

I might have known
I couldn't have trusted you.

You may not be a gentleman,
Lieutenant,

but must you
behave like a cad?

Don't be a blithering idiot, Krisling.

I was clearly standing opposite Miss Elsa
when the music stopped,

and you deliberately barged me.

It so happens i was prepared
for someone to hit below the belt.

Er... Why don't you slosh
the silly twerp, Mr Brown?

What did you call the Hauptmann,
Schweinhund?

"Silly twerp."

Anyway, you keep out of this,
Grandad, or i'll bop you on the hooter.

Lass ihn in Ruhe, du blöde Ochs.

You're responsible for this.

-Why? What do you mean?
-Don't you do that to me.

-Oh!
-Don't you push me.

VON KRISLING:
You cad, Pomeroy!

I say! I say, be careful!

I say, do be careful, sir.
Look, steady, chaps.

For goodness' sake,
mind our bones, mind our bones!

Oh, you rotter!

(SHOUTING AUDIBLE)

What is happening?

Search me.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

-Finch!
-Hello, Sarge.

Well, what's up?

Well, we were having
a perfectly ripping party,

and now everybody's fighting.

Us against them.

Come on, Sarge.

-Hello, Bolter, glad you're back.
-Yes, sir.

Was ist los?

Diese Engländer haben uns angegriffen,
Herr Feldwebel.

Ist das so?

(BOMB WHISTLING)

(EXPLOSION)

(WHISTLING)

(EXPLOSION)

Sounds like there's a war on.

The lights!

Meister, the door!

Let's get outside
and see what's happening.

Better get dressed properly first.
Come on, quick!

Look, sir! A periscope.

VON KRISLING:
It's a submarine, all right.

BROWN:
Yes, but is it yours or ours?

We'll have to wait till it surfaces
to find out.

A tricky situation, eh, Pomeroy?

Yes, just what i was thinking, Eduard.

I mean, are we your prisoners,
or are you ours?

Well, what are we gonna do, sir?

I don't know.
We've got to do something, quick.

Sir! Sir! Do any of us
have to be prisoners, sir?

If this sub's come to pick up one unit,

couldn't the other lie
sort of doggo, sir, until it's gone?

An excellent suggestion.

If it's German,
the island will be yours.

You can rely on us
to play the game.

And if it's British,
you will be taken away,

and we shall be in
exactly the same position

-as we were before you arrived.
-Yeah?

And how do we know
we can trust you?

Really, Sergeant, you must learn
to recognise a gentleman

when you meet one.

You agree, Pomeroy?

If we're caught hobnobbing
with this lot, sir,

we'll all be for the firing squad.

Yes, Eduard. Agreed.

FINCH:
Oh, look, sir. It's coming up.

Well, one of us is gonna
get back into the war.

Ja.

It's British.

The fortunes of war.

All right, come on, chaps.
Prepare to embark.

Why, it's Major Mortimer.

Huh! Decent of him to remember us,
ain't it?

Well, I hope he's got
a good explanation

why we were abandoned here.

If it hadn't been for the Germans,
we would have starved to death.

Now, you know the drill.

The main thing is to get on that sub
as quickly as possible.

Bolter and i will deal with the major.
Ackroyd and Finch, get the dinghy.

And don't forget,
we're all in this together.

So keep your mouths shut.
Right?

-Right, sir.
-Right.

There they are.
Good show, they're still alive.

Hello!

Everything's all right.
The Navy's here.

(CHUCKLING)

-Just in the nick of time, sir.
-MORTIMER: Hello, Brown.

My other two men are
getting our dinghy, sir.

We can be aboard
in five minutes flat, sir.

No hurry, old boy.
Not a German within a hundred miles.

Damn fine show, Brown.

I can't think how you
managed to survive.

We'll come ashore
for an hour or so,

and you can show us
how you did it.

Oh...

Hello, sir.
Won't be a minute.

Excellent morale, Brown.
Excellent.

Well done, men.
Well done, indeed.

Oh, it was nothing, sir.

It's grand to see you fellows
in such good shape.

We couldn't get here earlier.
The Navy said they were too busy.

Still, I guessed you'd be all right.

We thought we saw a light last night.

Oh, yes, sir.
That's the monastery.

Our HQ.

Early Byzantine architec...

ture, sir.

Oh, really?

Very poor blackout arrangements.

Where is this monastery?

Oh, it's a frightful place.
I don't think you'd like it at all, sir.

Now, now, Brown, it's necessary that
i should see what you chaps have endured.

I have to make a full report.

There may be a gong in this for somebody.
(CHUCKLING)

-Well, who's going to lead the way?
-Oh, I will, sir.

I will, sir.
Sergeant Bolter, Ackroyd.

Beetle on ahead.
See that everything's all right.

Yes, sir.

-Well, if you gentlemen are ready...
-Mm-hmm.

- I think you'll find it a bit of a climb.
-Oh, I'm pretty fit.

Well, what's happened?
Why haven't you embarked?

The major wants to
inspect the monastery.

Mein Gott!

Was ist los, Herr Hauptmann?

Nimm alles herunter!
Schnell! Schnell!

Voss, nimmen Sie das herunter!

Das ist ja eine so emerskade Acht!

Herunter! Wir haben
keine Zeit für Verhandlungen!

Schmidt! Komm her!
Unser Arbeit!

Herunter!
Schnell, schnell, schnell!

Ja wohl Herr Feldwebel.

Well, sir, I thought we'd stop
for a breather.

Ah, it's so peaceful here.

You'd hardly know there was a war on.

Anything the matter, Babbington?

Oh, no, no, no, sir.
Nothing at all, no.

I thought i saw a girl in...

Oh, but i couldn't have.

Good heavens,
we'd better get a move on.

You've had a good rest.

Look out, they're coming!

They're coming, Sergeant!

Come on! Schnell, schnell!

Thank you, Ackroyd.

MORTIMER: Good heavens!
Tables and chairs?

You've made yourselves
pretty comfortable, hmm?

Yes, sir. Bit of luck.
Deserted U-boat base.

We stumbled on it quite by chance, sir.

Absolutely derelict.
It-It's not worth looking round.

-Er... Is it, Finch?
-What, sir?

Not worth looking round.

Oh, no, sir, no.
Not worth looking round, sir.

-A mangy hole, sir.
-All the same, I'd like to.

-Wouldn't you, Babbington?
-Yes, I would rather.

Oh, if you insist.

But there's nothing to see.

Fortunately, there's a well
with fresh water,

otherwise things might have
been a bit tricky.

Hmm. I smell cooking.

Very likely, sir.
We were just preparing breakfast

when the guard reported your arrival.

Quite right.

Naturally, we abandoned it, sir,
in our anxiety to leave the island.

Well, shall we go now, sir?

Well, seems a pity to waste that food.
Smells delicious.

How about a quick bite?

Oh!

I-I-I don't think you'd like it, sir.
Um...

Ackroyd, get the major
and lieutenant something to eat.

And Ackroyd, make it
as tasty as possible.

Yes, sir.

Well, that shouldn't take long.

-Now!
- I suppose there's no oil storage here?

Oh, no, sir, no.
Nothing like that at all.

Oh.

Well, now, perhaps while we're waiting,

you'd care to inspect
our perimeter defences, sir.

All right.

Ackroyd, you understand what
the lieutenant meant when he said "tasty"?

He meant a real nasty taste.

I know that, Sarge.
I wasn't born yesterday.

Here, I'll pretend i'm in
the Catering Corps.

That's it, wasn't born yesterday.

(CHORTLING)

Well, what have we
for breakfast today, Ackroyd?

Oh, the usual meagre fare, sir.
I just stewed up a few old bones.

Potage à la Finch.

Oh, no!
Oh, I say, sir, that's a bit thick.

I beg your pardon, Finch?

Nothing, sir.

Well, it doesn't smell
quite as nice as it did.

Still, I've no doubt
it's quite delicious.

No good, sir?

Dreadful!

Have you been existing
on this sort of thing?

Oh, it's not always been
as good as this, sir.

If i may say so, the sooner
we get these chaps aboard

and give 'em a good meal,
the better.

I quite agree.

Oh!

Ooh!

I'll get you some water, sir.

Well, what's the matter, old boy?

MORTIMER: Lack of food,
if you ask me. He looks terrible.

BABBINGTON:
I'm surprised they survived at all...

You mustn't go in there.
Listen carefully,

and please try to understand.

Um... You must hide, um...

Nascondere.

Um... Nascondere negli alberi.

You must hide in bushes.

Yes? Good!

Oh, no! No, no!

No, no, no! No, please!

BABBINGTON: The whole thing's
been a bit of a strain.

We'll have to get him to the M.O.
as soon as possible.

I don't know what came over me, sir.

Well, shall we get started?

Steady, lad. Take it easy.
You've been through a nasty experience.

Oh, I'm all right now, sir.

The thought of getting on that submarine
has made me feel very much better.

Come on, men.

Yes, in some ways, it's been
a very interesting experience, sir.

Still, it'll be nice to get back
in the war again.

Frankly, we were
brought back to reality

by those two warning shots
you pumped into us last night.

We didn't fire any shots last night.
Did we?

-No.
-You didn't?

-No. It must have been the Germans.
-Yes, must have been.

Good heavens!
We'd better get moving.

Sergeant Bolter! Ackroyd!
Stand by to launch the dinghy, quick!

Finch! Finch!

Coming, sir.

Poor fellow. Suffering from
shellshock, if you ask me.

Must have been through
a horrible experience.

What they all need's a good holiday.

Come on, Finch.
You've been keeping us waiting.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I had a job to do, remember?

All right, we know your task was vital,

-but come on, come on.
-Yes, sir.

ELSA:
Mr Finch!

Mr Finch!

Now, now, leave this to me.
Now, don't panic, chaps.

Ti prego! Aspettami!

Ti prego, aspettami.

And who is this person?

Well, sir, she's, er... er...

She's Finch's fiancée, sir.

Got washed up in a storm.

Didn't think it was
worth mentioning, sir.

-Sir! Sir!
-What is it, Finch??

I suppose we couldn't
take her with us, could we, sir?

Er... Well, er...

How about it, Babbington?

Well, I don't think the
ship's company would mind at all.

Oh!
Excuse me.

-Oh, thank you, sir.
-Now, come on, everybody.

Come on, in we go.

Hold tight, Miss Elsa.

Come on.
Ah, that's it.

Poor fellows.

Still, if it had been one of ours,

it would have meant
the Russian Front for us.

Es steht sie da, Herr Hauptmann!

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