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1
00:00:28,395 --> 00:00:29,461
(birds chirping)
2
00:00:29,463 --> 00:00:31,063
KRISTEN:
Thank you for hosting
3
00:00:31,065 --> 00:00:32,564
Christmas dinner tomorrow night,
by the way.
4
00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:34,666
You didn't give me much choice.
5
00:00:34,668 --> 00:00:37,069
Hey, you're the one who
has to watch Wilfred.
6
00:00:37,071 --> 00:00:39,338
And there's no way he's
coming back to my place.
7
00:00:39,340 --> 00:00:42,641
Last time, he did that, like,
fish juice thing on my carpets.
8
00:00:44,244 --> 00:00:46,245
Are you nervous?
9
00:00:46,247 --> 00:00:47,479
No.
10
00:00:47,481 --> 00:00:49,348
Really?
11
00:00:49,350 --> 00:00:51,650
You and Dad haven't seen each
other in almost two years.
12
00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:53,986
I just saw Dad a month ago
at the grocery store.
13
00:00:53,988 --> 00:00:56,488
We had a little chat
over some champagne.
14
00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:58,690
Very funny.
15
00:00:58,692 --> 00:01:00,926
Don't worry.
The therapy really helped.
16
00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:02,928
I'm going into this
with an open mind.
17
00:01:02,930 --> 00:01:04,096
Good.
18
00:01:04,098 --> 00:01:05,664
Also, I have a
little surprise.
19
00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:08,000
Um, Mom's insane
asylum is...
20
00:01:08,002 --> 00:01:10,502
It's not an insane asylum.
It has, like... ducks.
21
00:01:10,504 --> 00:01:13,539
Fine. Her duck sanctuary is
allowing her five hours
22
00:01:13,541 --> 00:01:15,240
of supervised visitation
tomorrow night.
23
00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:16,675
So, for the first
time in years,
24
00:01:16,677 --> 00:01:18,544
the whole family is
gonna be together.
25
00:01:18,546 --> 00:01:20,446
Look, it's not gonna
be a cakewalk,
26
00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:23,282
but I want Joffrey to have
a normal holiday experience,
27
00:01:23,284 --> 00:01:25,551
which means being surrounded
by his entire family.
28
00:01:25,553 --> 00:01:27,686
Fine. But if Mom and Dad
start fighting,
29
00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:30,622
I'm putting Joffrey in one
of their laps to distract them.
30
00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:32,624
You want to use my baby?
31
00:01:32,626 --> 00:01:34,693
That's genius.
Hey!
32
00:01:34,695 --> 00:01:37,696
Fancy meeting you guys here!
33
00:01:37,698 --> 00:01:39,398
I'm sorry.
No dogs allowed.
34
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:40,599
I'm just... (sighs)
35
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,701
Sorry.
Yeah. It's cool.
36
00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:45,304
I'll just... mail
my Christmas list to Santa.
37
00:01:45,306 --> 00:01:47,272
Want to hear
what I'm asking for?
38
00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:49,141
Sure.
A Big Wheel,
39
00:01:49,143 --> 00:01:50,709
so I can drag
Santa's severed head
40
00:01:50,711 --> 00:01:52,277
through the streets of Venice.
41
00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:54,079
A Darth Vader
action figure,
42
00:01:54,081 --> 00:01:56,748
so I can stick that plastic,
tiny, little lightsaber
43
00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:58,484
into Santa's urethra.
44
00:01:58,486 --> 00:01:59,651
A catcher's mitt,
so I can make
45
00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:01,987
cruel comparisons
to Mrs. Claus's vagina.
46
00:02:01,989 --> 00:02:04,156
Why do you hate
Santa so much?
47
00:02:04,158 --> 00:02:06,558
Santa is the mailman
on steroids.
48
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,427
I mean, this guy comes
into your house--
49
00:02:08,429 --> 00:02:11,597
into your house-- leaves
packages covered with his scent,
50
00:02:11,599 --> 00:02:13,432
calls you "ho" three times.
51
00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:16,335
Keep in mind, this is a guy
who has sex with reindeer.
52
00:02:16,337 --> 00:02:18,337
Wilfred, you realize
that Santa isn't r...
53
00:02:18,339 --> 00:02:19,771
Isn't ready to get
his ass beat?
54
00:02:19,773 --> 00:02:21,773
Yeah, I know.
That diabetic blobmeister
55
00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:23,575
doesn't have the balls
to show his face
56
00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:24,676
when Wilfred's in the house!
57
00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:26,178
Yeah, what's up, tits?!
Wilfred!
58
00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:27,646
I'm not gonna do nothing
while your goons
59
00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:28,680
are around.
60
00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:29,681
Yeah, we're cool.
61
00:02:29,683 --> 00:02:31,650
We're cool.
62
00:02:39,025 --> 00:02:40,692
Wilfred! No!
I'm sorry.
63
00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:43,695
You see how that
could be confusing.
64
00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:45,197
God.
Are you okay, mate?
65
00:02:45,199 --> 00:02:47,666
Y-You seem anxious.
66
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:48,700
(sighs)
67
00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:50,269
I'm just worried about tonight.
68
00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:53,105
I-I was prepared
to deal with my dad,
69
00:02:53,107 --> 00:02:55,107
but Mom and Dad together?
70
00:02:55,109 --> 00:02:56,808
You and your mum
get along great.
Yeah,
71
00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:59,344
but when my parents fight,
she's like a loose cannon.
72
00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:01,647
I just don't want her to say
a bunch of stuff about me
73
00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:02,714
in front of my dad.
74
00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:03,649
Like what?
75
00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:05,350
Like why I quit his firm.
76
00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:06,718
How I tried to kill myself.
77
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,053
Maybe it's
time your dad
78
00:03:08,055 --> 00:03:10,055
found out how much
he screwed you up.
79
00:03:10,057 --> 00:03:12,624
I mean, you've always said
he's a manipulative bully.
80
00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:14,626
Now's your chance
to stand up to him.
81
00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:17,563
Perhaps in the form of
a "Beat It" style knife fight.
82
00:03:17,565 --> 00:03:20,132
I can't do that.
(sighs)
Sure you can.
83
00:03:20,134 --> 00:03:22,534
Just lock your arms together,
hold your knives up,
84
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:24,703
and then dance
your ass off.
85
00:03:25,638 --> 00:03:27,673
Look, standing
up to my dad
86
00:03:27,675 --> 00:03:29,641
is not gonna help
us start over.
87
00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:31,643
All I want is to get
through this evening
88
00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:33,312
with as little stress
as possible.
89
00:03:33,314 --> 00:03:35,814
Say no more. I'll stop
badgering you about your dad.
90
00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:38,817
Besides, Christmas is a time
for families to come together
91
00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:40,652
to share yuletide joy.
92
00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:42,387
And, yeah, I mean,
93
00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:44,756
Jenna and Drew did go back
to Wisconsin without me, but...
94
00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:46,758
I'm excited about spending
Christmas with you!
95
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,094
And being a part
of your family.
96
00:03:49,096 --> 00:03:51,430
(sighs)
Uh, actually...
97
00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:54,433
with my mom
coming now,
98
00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:56,835
would you mind hanging out
in the basement?
99
00:03:58,404 --> 00:04:01,573
B-But it's-it's not Christmas
without Wilfred.
100
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,575
Would it help if I said
that there was an eighth
101
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,210
of Silver Haze down there?
102
00:04:05,212 --> 00:04:07,279
A-And-and the DVD player's
already loaded up
103
00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:08,614
with Jingle All the Way?
104
00:04:09,682 --> 00:04:12,751
It helps.
105
00:04:13,686 --> 00:04:15,187
(doorbell rings)
106
00:04:15,189 --> 00:04:16,888
That's probably Dad.
Um, here, here.
107
00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:18,790
Let me stir that
while you get the door.
108
00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:21,360
Ryan, you're gonna have
to see Dad eventually.
109
00:04:24,764 --> 00:04:27,132
(exhales)
110
00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:29,134
¶ On the first day
of Christmas ¶
111
00:04:29,136 --> 00:04:31,436
¶ My true love gave to me
a partridge ¶
112
00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,905
¶ In a pear...
Thanks, but now's
not a good time.
113
00:04:33,907 --> 00:04:34,906
Dick!
114
00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:36,241
(shouts)
Oh...
115
00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:38,310
Shit!
Well, just relax.
116
00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:39,811
It's just flour.
Sorry.
117
00:04:39,813 --> 00:04:42,781
I-I'm just a little on edge
about seeing Dad, I guess.
118
00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:44,916
HENRY: If it makes you
feel any better,
119
00:04:44,918 --> 00:04:46,752
I'm nervous, too.
120
00:04:46,754 --> 00:04:49,321
I saw a strange Indian couple
assaulting people
121
00:04:49,323 --> 00:04:50,756
with what may have been
Christmas carols,
122
00:04:50,758 --> 00:04:52,624
so to avoid them,
I-I went around back.
123
00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,760
I hope you don't mind
that I let myself in.
124
00:04:54,762 --> 00:04:57,162
Merry Christmas, Daddy!
125
00:04:57,164 --> 00:04:59,164
Merry Christmas, pumpkin.
(inhales)
126
00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:02,501
Mmm. Is that a... new perfume?
127
00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:04,836
No, but I can a new perfume.
Should I? I-I should.
128
00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:07,739
(timer dings)
Oh. I've got to put
the potatoes in.
129
00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:09,741
Uh, potatoes au gratin--
your favorite, right, Dad?
130
00:05:09,743 --> 00:05:11,643
Well...
131
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:13,712
(clicks tongue, sighs)
132
00:05:16,516 --> 00:05:17,916
(exhales)
133
00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:20,519
So...
134
00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:22,187
How have you been?
135
00:05:22,189 --> 00:05:23,855
Good, yeah.
136
00:05:23,857 --> 00:05:26,358
You seem like you're...
doing better.
137
00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:27,993
I am.
138
00:05:29,696 --> 00:05:31,763
Kristen tells me
you have a roommate.
139
00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:35,834
Yeah. Uh, sh-she's spending
the holidays with some friends.
140
00:05:38,638 --> 00:05:41,273
(knocking)
Excuse me.
141
00:05:41,275 --> 00:05:43,842
No, I've got it.
(chuckles)
142
00:05:44,811 --> 00:05:46,978
Merry Christmas,
poopy pants!
143
00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:48,947
(chuckles)
Well, I know
144
00:05:48,949 --> 00:05:52,818
you're all grown-up, but I will
always think of you that way.
145
00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:53,885
Hello, Catherine.
146
00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:55,520
Henry.
147
00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:57,656
Hey, you!
148
00:05:57,658 --> 00:05:59,524
Mom.
(gasps, squeals)
149
00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:01,526
I don't know why I'm so excited.
(chuckles)
150
00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:04,229
It's only been a couple of
weeks since I've seen you.
151
00:06:04,231 --> 00:06:06,965
Ryan comes to visit me
every single month.
152
00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:08,967
That's nice. Who's your friend?
153
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:13,672
Oh. This is Andre,
my date for the night.
154
00:06:13,674 --> 00:06:15,340
Hands off, Desdemona.
155
00:06:15,342 --> 00:06:16,541
Mom.
Actually,
156
00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:17,576
I'm the caretaker assigned
157
00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:18,910
to accompany your mother
tonight.
158
00:06:18,912 --> 00:06:20,345
It's complicated.
159
00:06:20,347 --> 00:06:21,747
It's not complicated at all.
160
00:06:21,749 --> 00:06:23,248
I'm gonna wait in the car.
161
00:06:23,250 --> 00:06:24,883
No, no. Come in.
It's Christmas.
162
00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:28,754
I'm a Buddhist.
163
00:06:28,756 --> 00:06:30,689
Sorry about that!
CATHERINE:
I don't know why
164
00:06:30,691 --> 00:06:32,991
your father feels like he has
to apologize for me.
165
00:06:32,993 --> 00:06:34,860
It's not like I'm
his property anymore.
166
00:06:34,862 --> 00:06:36,928
(chuckles)
(chuckles): No.
Your mother's right, Ryan.
167
00:06:36,930 --> 00:06:38,730
Andre wasn't
at all uncomfortable
168
00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:40,332
when she said they were dating.
169
00:06:40,334 --> 00:06:42,768
He's probably running out
to the car to get
170
00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:44,603
the engagement ring.
(chuckles)
171
00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:45,871
KRISTEN:
Uh-oh.
172
00:06:45,873 --> 00:06:48,440
Somebody wants to see
his Grammy and Pop-pop.
173
00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:50,575
It's my little
174
00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:52,377
Joff muffin.
175
00:06:52,379 --> 00:06:54,279
(chuckles):
Oh!
176
00:06:54,281 --> 00:06:56,047
Careful with his head.
177
00:06:56,049 --> 00:06:59,584
Oh, but my whole plan was
to let his little neck
178
00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:02,454
bend all the way back.
(chuckles)
179
00:07:02,456 --> 00:07:03,922
Oh, I got you, Joffrey.
180
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:07,592
Oh, you're not
a Pez dispenser, are you?
181
00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:09,027
(chuckles)
Be careful,
Joff muffin,
182
00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:11,963
once Pop-Pop gets you
in his loving clutches,
183
00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:14,466
he will never let you go.
Like, never.
RYAN: Oh!
184
00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:17,936
Look at him smile.
It's so cute, right?
185
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:19,871
Uncle Ryan knows all about
getting caught
186
00:07:19,873 --> 00:07:21,740
in Pop-Pop's loving clutches,
doesn't he?
187
00:07:21,742 --> 00:07:22,974
(bells jingling)
188
00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:24,910
What is that?
189
00:07:24,912 --> 00:07:26,478
(jingling grows louder)
190
00:07:30,049 --> 00:07:33,552
Merry Christmas, everybody!
191
00:07:33,554 --> 00:07:35,921
(chuckles) You're not
supposed to be here.
192
00:07:35,923 --> 00:07:37,989
Well, you said Wilfred wasn't
allowed at your dinner,
193
00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:42,961
but you didn't say anything
about Santa's reindeer!
194
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,096
That is so cute, Ryan!
195
00:07:45,098 --> 00:07:47,499
(chuckles)
Who's the pretty girl?
196
00:07:47,501 --> 00:07:50,969
Girl? Do you not see this penis
right here?
197
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:53,004
Uh, no, that's actually
a gumdrop stuck on my fur.
198
00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:54,673
His name is Wilfred.
199
00:07:54,675 --> 00:07:57,075
Sorry. I'll just put him back
in the other room
200
00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:58,510
so he won't be
a distraction.
201
00:07:58,512 --> 00:08:00,979
Oh, no, no, no,
let Wilfred stay.
202
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,581
He's not hurting anybody.
203
00:08:02,583 --> 00:08:04,516
Well...
204
00:08:04,518 --> 00:08:06,918
I guess it wouldn't be Christmas
without Wilfred.
205
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:09,421
Now that's the spirit.
206
00:08:16,429 --> 00:08:18,597
CATHERINE (laughs):
Look at him go!
207
00:08:18,599 --> 00:08:20,165
(Henry laughs)
208
00:08:22,935 --> 00:08:24,703
(panting)
209
00:08:24,705 --> 00:08:26,705
Oh, man, getting tangled up
210
00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:29,074
in Christmas lights
is a workout.
211
00:08:33,613 --> 00:08:34,946
(gasps)
212
00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:36,948
Okay, that is
not ice-cold Gatorade.
213
00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:38,817
I should not have done that.
214
00:08:38,819 --> 00:08:41,953
Your dad is exactly how
I pictured him:
215
00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:43,054
pure evil.
216
00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:45,557
He even looks like Michael Vick.
217
00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:48,059
Actually, he's been
surprisingly okay tonight.
218
00:08:48,061 --> 00:08:49,861
Listen,
I-I've been thinking.
219
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:51,830
You were right.
220
00:08:51,832 --> 00:08:54,399
Christmas is a time for family
and yuletide joy.
221
00:08:54,401 --> 00:08:56,701
Cut the figgy pudding.
222
00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:58,136
I know you're only using me
223
00:08:58,138 --> 00:08:59,971
to distract your parents
from fighting.
224
00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:02,073
Well, then why are you still
playing along?
225
00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:03,975
I'm not playing along.
226
00:09:03,977 --> 00:09:05,744
I keeps it Christmasy, Ryan.
227
00:09:05,746 --> 00:09:08,146
So, are you going to keep
keeping it Christmasy?
228
00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:12,918
Sure. I'll give you the gift
of keeping mom and dad jolly.
229
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:16,521
But in return,
I want something from you.
230
00:09:16,523 --> 00:09:18,890
The gift of being
part of your family.
231
00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:21,526
That's it?
232
00:09:21,528 --> 00:09:22,928
Sure.
233
00:09:26,866 --> 00:09:28,500
Oh, mm-mm.
234
00:09:28,502 --> 00:09:29,868
The meds.
235
00:09:29,870 --> 00:09:31,903
Ooh, Ryan, is that a cabernet?
236
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,738
Because, you know,
Dad only drinks Bordeaux.
237
00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:35,106
I picked up bottle this morning.
238
00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:37,676
The one in the kitchen?
The 2003?
239
00:09:37,678 --> 00:09:39,010
Not a good year?
240
00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:39,878
No...
241
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:41,746
I can get you a beer instead.
242
00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,014
I'm fine, pumpkin.
243
00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:44,015
WILFRED:
Pumpkin? (chuckles)
244
00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:46,017
Okay, just so I understand,
245
00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:48,219
your dad nicknamed his daughter
after the scent of her vagina?
246
00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:50,922
(chuckles)
Cool!
247
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:52,757
Ah, thanks, Mom!
248
00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:55,694
Can you, uh, toss us
the butter as well, please?
249
00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:58,196
Should we be feeding
the dog human food?
250
00:09:58,198 --> 00:09:59,965
Okay, Henry. Hmm.
251
00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:01,132
I don't think we should be
252
00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:02,801
taking dog advice
from your father.
253
00:10:02,803 --> 00:10:04,469
Why is that?
254
00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:07,038
Um, maybe because you used
to kick Sneakers.
255
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:09,107
I didn't kick him,
Catherine. I shoved him
256
00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:11,643
gently with my foot
to teach him not to beg
257
00:10:11,645 --> 00:10:13,044
just like the trainer taught us.
258
00:10:13,046 --> 00:10:14,245
Uh, okay.
259
00:10:14,247 --> 00:10:15,981
I guess I-I should have let him
260
00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:17,148
drink strawberry milk
instead of water
261
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:18,717
so he'd have
terrible, chronic gas.
262
00:10:18,719 --> 00:10:19,818
(laughs)
263
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:20,819
WILFRED:
You did that?
264
00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:22,487
That's so beautiful.
265
00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:24,255
Oh maybe you just didn't take
to Sneakers
266
00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:26,224
because he wasn't
obedient enough.
267
00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:28,126
He didn't follow commands.
268
00:10:32,098 --> 00:10:34,666
Speaking of Sneakers...
269
00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:37,936
remember that one Christmas
when Sneakers snuck downstairs
270
00:10:37,938 --> 00:10:39,738
and ate all of Santa's cookies?
271
00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:40,939
(laughter)
272
00:10:40,941 --> 00:10:42,507
Shit! Go, Sneakers.
273
00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:44,009
Was that
that same Christmas
274
00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:46,578
that Ryan got that
electric guitar he wanted?
275
00:10:46,580 --> 00:10:48,680
Oh, no. Wait.
He didn't get the guitar.
276
00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:49,948
What did you give him, Henry?
277
00:10:49,950 --> 00:10:51,950
Oh, yeah.
278
00:10:51,952 --> 00:10:54,085
An engraved Tiffany pen.
279
00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:56,021
A pen.
280
00:10:59,091 --> 00:11:02,827
Track 12.
281
00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:05,163
Hey, how about some music?
282
00:11:07,099 --> 00:11:09,000
(intro to "Deck the Halls"
plays)
283
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:12,003
¶ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ¶
284
00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:14,839
¶ Fa, la-la, la-la,
la-la, la-la... ¶
285
00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:17,542
(laughter)
286
00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:18,877
It's like he's trying to sing.
287
00:11:18,879 --> 00:11:20,145
(laughter)
288
00:11:20,147 --> 00:11:23,114
Trying. Uh, was Oates trying?
289
00:11:23,116 --> 00:11:24,716
KRISTEN:
Hey, careful.
290
00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:26,051
We're taking a family photo
after dinner,
291
00:11:26,053 --> 00:11:28,119
and you know how easily
you get droopy drunk face.
292
00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:29,988
Oh. Family photo.
293
00:11:29,990 --> 00:11:33,625
I'm assuming I'll be in it, uh,
since I'm part of the family?
294
00:11:36,062 --> 00:11:38,797
Ryan, he already ruined
Joffrey's photo with Santa.
295
00:11:38,799 --> 00:11:41,032
I know, but it'd
mean a lot to me.
296
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,233
Fine. We'll take two photos.
297
00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:44,736
But you know what
would mean a lot to me?
298
00:11:44,738 --> 00:11:46,571
If you didn't have
wine mouth right now.
299
00:11:46,573 --> 00:11:48,640
WILFRED:
Sorry I'm late.
300
00:11:48,642 --> 00:11:50,575
I was deciding between this
and a leather harness,
301
00:11:50,577 --> 00:11:52,744
but, honestly,
the harness seemed
302
00:11:52,746 --> 00:11:55,080
a little too S&M-y
for Christmas.
303
00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:56,181
Are we-we
good to go?
304
00:11:56,183 --> 00:11:57,916
Okay, we're gonna take
one official
305
00:11:57,918 --> 00:12:00,018
family photo, and then,
one weird random photo
306
00:12:00,020 --> 00:12:02,153
for Ryan's neighbor's dog
that I'm going to delete
307
00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:04,022
the second after
I e-mail it to Ryan.
308
00:12:04,024 --> 00:12:06,157
I'm not in the official
family photo?
309
00:12:08,027 --> 00:12:10,762
It's okay.
310
00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:12,664
Don't worry, Ryan.
311
00:12:12,666 --> 00:12:15,767
Ryan, your log
still burns bright.
312
00:12:15,769 --> 00:12:18,236
Ryan?
313
00:12:21,774 --> 00:12:24,242
(sighs)
314
00:12:25,377 --> 00:12:27,178
(laughs)
315
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:29,047
You're gonna love it.
316
00:12:29,049 --> 00:12:30,381
I use mine every day.
317
00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:31,950
Oh, thanks, Mom.
318
00:12:31,952 --> 00:12:33,284
HENRY:
Looks like there's
319
00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:34,919
one more gift
under the tree.
320
00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:36,287
Oh.
321
00:12:36,289 --> 00:12:38,389
"To the Newman family."
322
00:12:38,391 --> 00:12:40,792
(laughs)
Who's it from?
323
00:12:40,794 --> 00:12:42,127
Ooh!
324
00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:43,728
A mystery gift.
Oh, yeah.
325
00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:45,096
Shall I open it?
326
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,432
KRISTEN:
Mm-hmm.
327
00:12:49,969 --> 00:12:52,270
(both laugh)
328
00:12:55,107 --> 00:12:57,075
HENRY:
Look at that.
329
00:12:57,077 --> 00:12:59,210
The whole family.
330
00:12:59,212 --> 00:13:01,813
All together.
331
00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:04,215
Why are you smirking like that?
332
00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:07,385
Wait. Is this from you?
333
00:13:07,387 --> 00:13:09,320
What?
Okay.
334
00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:11,956
I get it. That's... me,
335
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:14,225
crazy Catherine,
standing between you
336
00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:16,828
and your perfect little family,
tearing it apart.
337
00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:18,429
Catherine, I didn't do it.
338
00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:20,398
Okay, well,
you are the one that
339
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,267
tore this family apart, Henry,
340
00:13:22,269 --> 00:13:24,335
because you're the one
who made me crazy!
341
00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:27,672
(baby crying)
Catherine, please,
calm down.
342
00:13:27,674 --> 00:13:30,175
Uh, hey, look, look, Wilfred's
playing with the, um...
343
00:13:30,177 --> 00:13:32,977
Mm, I will not stand by
344
00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:35,847
and let you do to Ryan
what you did to me!
345
00:13:35,849 --> 00:13:38,850
Ryan, I think we should get
your mother's nurse.
346
00:13:38,852 --> 00:13:40,852
Tell them, Ryan.
Tell them how...
347
00:13:40,854 --> 00:13:43,021
how-how he broke you down
348
00:13:43,023 --> 00:13:45,123
so-so you didn't even
feel human anymore,
349
00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:48,026
and how you... how you felt
like the only way out was...
350
00:13:48,028 --> 00:13:49,360
was to just take
your own life...
351
00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:51,429
Mom, enough! Shut up!
352
00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:55,200
All you've been doing all night
is-is bringing up the past
353
00:13:55,202 --> 00:13:56,467
and starting shit with Dad.
354
00:13:56,469 --> 00:13:57,869
This was supposed
355
00:13:57,871 --> 00:13:59,204
to be a special night
356
00:13:59,206 --> 00:14:00,438
to celebrate Joffrey's
357
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,207
first Christmas with his family,
358
00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:04,776
and now you've completely
ruined it!
359
00:14:08,147 --> 00:14:10,782
(panting)
360
00:14:16,055 --> 00:14:18,223
So much for your
Christmas spirit.
361
00:14:18,225 --> 00:14:19,958
What are you talking about?
Just 'cause you weren't
362
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,192
allowed in one
photo, you had
363
00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:22,727
to sabotage Christmas
with that drawing?
364
00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:24,162
Of course not, Ryan.
365
00:14:24,164 --> 00:14:26,164
Sure, I was hurt,
366
00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:28,466
but I put that under the tree
before anyone even arrived.
367
00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:31,035
It was an actual gift
meant to thank you all
368
00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:33,071
for letting me be part
of your family tonight.
369
00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:34,405
How was I supposed to know
370
00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:36,307
any of that was gonna happen
back there?
371
00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:38,309
In any normal family,
372
00:14:38,311 --> 00:14:40,078
a drawing like that would have
brought everyone together.
373
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:43,047
Yeah, well,
with a Mom like Catherine,
374
00:14:43,049 --> 00:14:44,249
this is what happens.
375
00:14:44,251 --> 00:14:45,917
Come on, Ryan.
376
00:14:45,919 --> 00:14:48,319
You know tonight
wasn't your mom's fault.
377
00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:50,822
Then whose?
My dad's?
378
00:14:50,824 --> 00:14:53,324
He's been nothing
but calm and polite.
379
00:14:53,326 --> 00:14:55,927
It's my mom
who's been starting everything.
380
00:14:55,929 --> 00:14:58,396
So you haven't noticed him
pushing her buttons all night?
381
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:01,266
Apologizing to her nurse
for her?
382
00:15:01,268 --> 00:15:02,934
Criticizing the way
she holds Joffrey
383
00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:04,202
or the way she fed me?
384
00:15:04,204 --> 00:15:06,337
Smirking at the drawing?
385
00:15:06,339 --> 00:15:07,939
The guy's a manipulative bully.
386
00:15:07,941 --> 00:15:10,241
But what does he have to gain?
387
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:12,210
What he's always wanted:
control over you.
388
00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:15,113
I mean, it's obvious how close
you and your mom have gotten.
389
00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:16,447
He had to find a way to
390
00:15:16,449 --> 00:15:18,082
tear you apart.
391
00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:19,417
I mean,
this whole night has been
392
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:22,287
yet another giant manipulation,
Henry Newman style.
393
00:15:33,532 --> 00:15:36,434
Kristen and the nurse
are with your mother.
394
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:39,804
It's been a while since
I've seen her this bad.
395
00:15:39,806 --> 00:15:42,240
I hope she's okay.
396
00:15:42,242 --> 00:15:44,409
Do you?
397
00:15:44,411 --> 00:15:46,544
Or-or maybe you've been
taunting her all night,
398
00:15:46,546 --> 00:15:48,246
trying to get a rise out of her.
399
00:15:48,248 --> 00:15:49,480
Maybe you wanted this to happen.
400
00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:51,449
Of course not.
401
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:53,451
Tonight was a mistake.
402
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:55,920
I-I never should have agreed
to see you again.
403
00:15:55,922 --> 00:15:58,890
Not until I was ready
to tell you how I really feel.
404
00:15:58,892 --> 00:16:00,825
Ryan, if you need
to say something...
405
00:16:00,827 --> 00:16:04,162
I've needed to say something
to you for the last 20 years.
406
00:16:04,164 --> 00:16:07,298
I became a lawyer
before you even let me consider
407
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:09,834
what I might actually
want to do with my life.
408
00:16:09,836 --> 00:16:12,003
I never meant to force
you into anything.
409
00:16:12,005 --> 00:16:15,273
You could have always
told me the truth.
410
00:16:15,275 --> 00:16:17,608
And disappoint you? No, no.
411
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:20,845
I saw firsthand what happens
to people who disappoint you.
412
00:16:20,847 --> 00:16:23,181
I saw what happened
to Mom.
Ryan...
413
00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:25,183
Working for you was so toxic.
414
00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:26,451
Do you want to know
why I quit?
415
00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:28,186
Because I knew that
416
00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:30,288
if I stayed there any longer,
it'd kill me.
417
00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:32,857
Oh.
418
00:16:32,859 --> 00:16:35,593
It nearly did.
419
00:16:38,197 --> 00:16:41,499
What are you saying?
420
00:16:43,202 --> 00:16:45,370
I tried to kill myself.
421
00:16:45,372 --> 00:16:48,106
Oh, my God.
422
00:16:50,109 --> 00:16:52,310
I...
423
00:16:52,312 --> 00:16:55,880
I don't know what to say.
424
00:16:55,882 --> 00:17:00,184
Look, I swear, I wasn't trying
to provoke your mother tonight.
425
00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:02,220
But everything you said
426
00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:05,390
about your experience at
the firm is probably true.
427
00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:07,492
Ryan,
428
00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:10,461
if I'd known my behavior
would have this effect on you,
429
00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:12,130
that it would push you to...
430
00:17:14,466 --> 00:17:17,402
However I need to change...
431
00:17:17,404 --> 00:17:20,204
I'll change.
432
00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:24,442
I just can't go another two
years without you in my life.
433
00:17:31,350 --> 00:17:33,351
Mrs. Newman,
434
00:17:33,353 --> 00:17:36,087
if you don't open the door
right this second, then...
435
00:17:36,089 --> 00:17:38,556
no more Wasabi Funyuns
in the rec room.
436
00:17:40,392 --> 00:17:41,692
All right, that shit's on you.
437
00:17:41,694 --> 00:17:43,394
You know you're gonna want 'em.
438
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:45,263
Can I give it a try?
439
00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:47,065
Good luck.
(sighs)
440
00:17:51,370 --> 00:17:53,604
Mom, it's Ryan.
441
00:17:55,941 --> 00:17:57,508
I'm sorry.
442
00:17:57,510 --> 00:18:01,179
I shouldn't have said
that you ruined Christmas.
443
00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:03,381
I don't actually think that.
444
00:18:03,383 --> 00:18:06,384
(toilet flushes)
445
00:18:06,386 --> 00:18:08,786
Mom, are you listening?
446
00:18:14,126 --> 00:18:16,394
You don't have to apologize.
447
00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:17,962
It's my fault.
448
00:18:17,964 --> 00:18:20,298
After all these
years, I just...
449
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:22,633
still haven't figured out
450
00:18:22,635 --> 00:18:25,403
how to not let your father
get to me.
451
00:18:25,405 --> 00:18:27,705
I know how you feel.
452
00:18:30,309 --> 00:18:32,443
Ryan, Ryan,
453
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:35,079
this is the greatest Christmas
gift anyone's ever given me.
454
00:18:35,081 --> 00:18:36,447
You're welcome.
455
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:39,217
Just get over there
before Kristen changes her mind.
456
00:18:40,752 --> 00:18:43,321
Where's Dad?
457
00:18:43,323 --> 00:18:46,557
I don't know,
but I do know where Santa is!
458
00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:47,992
You can come out now!
459
00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:49,560
Santa's here?
460
00:18:49,562 --> 00:18:51,329
Oh, shit is about to get real!
461
00:18:51,331 --> 00:18:53,331
Ho! Ho! Ho!
462
00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:54,565
Merry...
(farting, splattering)
463
00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:55,733
Oh, no! Wilfred!
464
00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:57,168
Get him outside!
CATHERINE:
Oh!
465
00:18:57,170 --> 00:18:59,003
Dripping on the stairs.
466
00:18:59,005 --> 00:19:01,105
(whimpers):
Ryan.
467
00:19:01,107 --> 00:19:02,073
Oh!
468
00:19:05,511 --> 00:19:08,079
Despite the drama,
it was a good Christmas.
469
00:19:08,081 --> 00:19:10,581
And I feel like maybe my dad
and I can finally--
470
00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:12,183
I don't know-- start over.
471
00:19:12,185 --> 00:19:13,751
So you believed him?
472
00:19:13,753 --> 00:19:16,087
What do you mean?
473
00:19:16,089 --> 00:19:18,189
Maybe your dad upset your mom
because he knew
474
00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:19,590
you'd confront him
and reconcile.
475
00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:22,026
That way, he gets you back
in his clutches.
476
00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:23,594
No, I can't think
like that anymore.
477
00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:28,199
By the way, so annoying
that I got that stomach virus
478
00:19:28,201 --> 00:19:32,203
right before I was about to rip
out that Santa bitch's weave.
479
00:19:32,205 --> 00:19:36,207
Listen, I-I think it's time
someone told you the truth.
480
00:19:36,209 --> 00:19:37,775
Santa isn't real.
481
00:19:37,777 --> 00:19:39,610
What?
482
00:19:39,612 --> 00:19:42,346
Because no one else can see him,
that means he isn't real?
483
00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:43,581
(scoffs)
484
00:19:47,352 --> 00:19:49,353
No glass allowed
at Clouds.
485
00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:52,390
Right. Thanks, and namaste.
486
00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:54,125
(sucks teeth)
487
00:19:54,127 --> 00:19:55,560
Bye.
488
00:19:55,562 --> 00:19:57,628
Oh. Merry Christmas, Mom.
489
00:19:57,630 --> 00:20:00,064
You, too. We never did
490
00:20:00,066 --> 00:20:02,500
find out where
that came from tonight, did we?
491
00:20:02,502 --> 00:20:04,135
Oh.
492
00:20:04,137 --> 00:20:06,137
Um, well, actually,
it-it was from me.
493
00:20:06,139 --> 00:20:08,506
I found it in a box
of my old things
494
00:20:08,508 --> 00:20:10,141
from when I was a kid.
495
00:20:10,143 --> 00:20:12,643
Oh. Well, this isn't
your drawing.
496
00:20:12,645 --> 00:20:15,513
You were a little more
spontaneous than that.
497
00:20:15,515 --> 00:20:16,647
At least until your father
498
00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:18,516
stomped your imagination
to death.
499
00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:20,151
Then, who drew it?
500
00:20:20,153 --> 00:20:21,719
Kristen.
35555
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