All language subtitles for Any Wednesday (1966)

Isn't this
fascinating brushwork?

Oh, no, please,
don't touch.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Man: ...Raining here
in New York.

Pittsburgh, clear, 74. Chicago, light rain, 79.

St. Louis, cloudy, 82.

♪ Any Wednesday

♪ love that Wednesday

♪ seems the peak
of every week ♪

♪ for me is Wednesday

♪ it begins
with the letters w-e ♪

♪ that means together
for baby and me ♪

♪ when we surrender

♪ the whole day together
to love ♪

♪ one more letter

♪ makes it better

♪ tack a "d" upon the "we"

♪ and you get wed

♪ that spells heaven

♪ how's it sound to you?

♪ Name your Wednesday

♪ any Wednesday will do

♪ pick a Wednesday

♪ any Wednesday

♪ will do

Celia! Celia!

Oh, hello there, miss.

Would you come in here
and help me, please?

Thank you very much.

Over here. Quick.

Here, please, over here.

Mrs. John cleves,
one moment, please.

Chicago calling.

Chicago?
But this is New York.

Never mind. Please.

Mrs. John cleves,
one moment, please.

Chicago calling.

Mrs. John cleves?
One moment, please.

Chicago calling.

Hello, Dorothy.
How are you, sweetheart?

Good.

Oh, not bad.

I bought two companies,
sold one.

And how was your day?

How's the family?

I sure do miss
those pesky kids.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

How's the weather
in short hills?

It's drizzling here. It's
always raining in Chicago.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Hold on a minute,
will you, please?

Would you mind
very much not tsking?

Oh, boy.

Or oh, boying?

Hello?

It was just the bellboy
with the papers.

Of course
I love you, baby.

Why would one rainy day
in Chicago change that?

Yes, first plane
in the morning.

I'll be in the office
by 11:00

if you need me
for anything.

Yes, I do.

Good night, sweetheart.

That was your wife.

Yes, it was,
and thank you so very much.

Celia? Celia?

Celia?

Celia. Celia.

It's Wednesday, remember?

Here, here,
let me help you.

Say, what are you doing

with Mr. Littlejohn's
paintings?

Well, they're not
Mr. Littlejohn's paintings.

They belong to the gallery
where I work.

Mr. Littlejohn

just rented them
for the evening.

Why, that old phony,

telling everyone
he owns them.

Look, they're
an armful now.

I'll get a taxi.

Oh, no, no, no --

no, I insist.

No, Mr. Cleves,
I can manage. Thank you.

Ah. So you remember
my name?

How can I forget?

Mrs. John cleves,
Chicago calling.

Taxi.

But I --

Thank you very much,
Mr. Cleves,

for helping me.

Good night.

Well, don't I even
get a drink?

Well, whatever for?

Whatever for?

For a 35-cent cab ride
and a 65-cent tip,

that's whatever for.

Have you any idea
what time it is?

You forget. In Chicago,
it's an hour earlier.

Oh. Uh...

If, uh,

if I give you one drink,
will you promise to go?

I can lie to my wife,
my darling, but not to you.

Yes, I promise I'll go.

Actually, I'm not even sure
we have any liquor.

Ah, it's very nice. Yes.

Hey, did you rent these
from the gallery?

Shh. I've got
two roommates asleep.

Let's see,
I remember we chipped in

for a bottle of scotch
two weeks ago.

I hope there's some left.

Oh, there must be.

I mean, three of you
couldn't have killed

a whole bottle of scotch
in only two weeks.

Thank you.

Well, why do you look
at me that way?

I'm only slightly drunk.

And slightly unfaithful.

Only on wednesdays.

Really? Why only
on wednesdays?

Thank you.

Because that is the day
of the week

I go out of town
on my business trips.

The same way, I suppose,
you wentto Chicago today.

Exactly. The same way
I went to St. Louis last week

and Milwaukee
the week before that.

Next Wednesday,
I'm going to Atlanta.

Have you ever been
to Atlanta?

No, Mr. Cleves.

Would you like
to go to Atlanta?

No, Mr. Cleves.

Why not?

Well, that poor woman

sitting all alone
in the suburbs...

Oh, I assure you
she's very happy

and unsuspicious.

Six days out of seven,
I am the model mate.

Now, how many husbands
can make that claim?

Husbands.

In vino veritas.

How's that?

In wine, truth.
It's beginner's Latin.

Oh. Oh, well, how would
I know about that?

Yes, I was a soph
in high school

when I lied about my age
to get into the marines.

I lie to everybody, you know,
not only my wife.

After the war,

I didn't bother going
back to hackensack high.

Consequently, I did not
become a millionaire

until I was
almost 28 years old.

Sad, isn't it?

Your wife on the phone
sounded sort of...

Well, go ahead. Say it.
Cultured?

Yeah.

Yes, yes, well,

we're a great entry,
Dorothy and me.

She's cultured,
and I'm ruthless.

Speaking of ruthlessness...

How about Atlanta
next week?

Well, why do
we have to wait

until next Wednesday,
Mr. Cleves?

I mean, here we are,

all settled and comfortable
in Chicago,

and it's raining out.

And there's still
a couple of drinks

left in the bottle.

What about your roommates?
Heavy sleepers?

No, you don't have
to worry about them.

Come here.

You wait in there.
I'll only be a minute.

[ Door locks ]

No, Mr. Cleves,

not this Wednesday
or any other Wednesday.

Three months hasn't
changed my mind, Mr. Cleves.

No, thank you.

No, Mr. Cleves,

you have a wife
in short hills, New Jersey.

[ Rings ]

Well, is she on
her lunch hour?

Lunch hour?
She's in the hospital.

In the hospital?
Why wasn't I informed?

Are you a relative?

No.

Close friend?

No.

A creditor?

I am John cleves,

and I want to know
where miss Gordon...

You're the John cleves

who's on the cover
of timethis week, right?

Yeah. Well, next week,

there will be someone else
on the cover.

Now, what hospital --

Ellen has been talking
about you steadily

for a solid year.

She says you're the most
terrible, awful man,

but she's very,
very fond of you.

Oh? Well, so is time.
Now, what hospital --

I'm not a doctor,

but I think
that this split feeling

that Ellen has about you
has given her the hepatitis.

Well, where
is she having it?

Now, for the last time,
what hospital?

I don't care
what the rules are.

I want to see miss Gordon.

Woman: I'm sorry, sir.

Visiting hours
are from 1:00 to 3:00.

Miss Sullivan,

what is your function
here at the hospital?

I am in complete charge
of all nurses,

registered or in training,
and furthermore --

miss Sullivan, last year
I donated $35,000

to this hospital's
building fund.

It's just possible
that you may be back

to bedpans very shortly.

Miss Sullivan.

You should look
that good.

Miss Sullivan's been
so sweet to me.

You shouldn't have
threatened her.

Listen, just this morning

I threatened
the presidents of two banks,

the mayor of a large city,
and the chairman

of the interstate
commerce commission.

I'm just tapering off
with miss Sullivan.

Did you really donate --

of course not.
I wouldn't dream of it.

Say, how long
have you been here?

A month, but I should
be going home next week.

A month? I could
have come to see you.

Oh, no, I didn't want
anybody to see me.

I've been so yellow.

Yellow, miss Gordon,

happens to be
my favorite color.

I've just ordered
two dozen yellow roses.

They should be here
any minute.

Oh, you shouldn't
have done that.

I don't like flowers,

real ones, anyway.

See, I don't like
to watch them die.

Sort of -- well,
you know what I mean.

No.

Well, see, I have
plastic ones at home,

that way I don't have
to watch them die.

Then I can have
chrysanthemums in July

and jonquils in winter.

Yeah, I buy them
at bloomingdale's

and tie them on.

But flowers
cheer up a room.

Oh, not for me,
they don't.

I'd like a room full
of balloons.

Now, that would be gay,
wouldn't it?

I don't answer questions
like that

without my lawyer
at my side,

and speaking of lawyers,
may I use your phone?

Surely.

How are
your roommates?

I'm not really
interested, you know?

I'm just making
conversation.

Oh, well, one of them
got married,

and the other one
joined the peace corps.

Now, that's what I call
diversification.

Woman: Operator.

Gramercy 3-6598, please.

[ Sobs ]

Hold it. Hold it.

Cancel that call,
will you, please?

Did I say something
to offend you?

No, I'm just --
I'm losing my apartment.

It's going co-op,

and they want $32,000
for it,

and I really love
that crazy place.

Well, $32,000
doesn't seem too high

for a co-op these days.

Not too high?

Where am I going
to get $32,000?

I have $164 in the bank,

and I can't even find
my bankbook.

Uh, $32,000
would be high for me,

for anyone,
the way taxes are,

but it wouldn't
be too high

for my corporation.

If my corporation
bought your apartment,

it would become
an executive suite

and tax deductible.

Well, how does that
help me?

It would help you

because you could go
right on living in it.

And pay rent
to the corporation?

Heh heh. Not exactly.

And you wouldn't have
to have roommates.

You could have it
all to yourself,

except, of course,
on wednesdays.

Out! Out of this room!

Now just a minute,
miss Gordon.

Ellen, you know
you're fond of me.

I can feel it.

Where on earth
did you get --

what does that
have to do with it?

I mean, you're
a married man, Mr. Cleves.

John.

Darling.

And I'm very fond
of you, darling.

You're still married.

Things are different now
with Dorothy and me.

In fact, the only reason
we're staying together

is because of the children.

Sometimes, I think,
what's the sense

in two people
sticking together when...

And then when I walk
into the children's bedroom,

and when I see them asleep

with their little hands

flung over
their little heads, I...

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not a homebreaker.

Well, I haven't had
any practice,

and I haven't got
the equipment.

Ellen.

No, you've got to go.

My temperature's
gone way up.

Goodbye, darling.

Goodbye.

I want to thank you

for coming to the hospital
every day this week

and reading to me
and talking to me.

Ellen.

No, John.

This is goodbye.

[ Screams ]

Oh, John.

Mrs. John cleves?

One moment, please.
Kansas City calling.

Man: Milwaukee, clear, 62.

Omaha, Nebraska,
heavy rains continuing.

Oh, it's miserable,
miserable.

They say
it's the rainiest Autumn

they've had in Omaha
in the last 20 years.

Buffalo, clear, 36.

Toronto, cloudy, 2 below zero.

Mrs. John cleves?
One moment, please.

Toronto calling.

Hello, Dorothy,
how are you?

Detroit, clear, 61.

Chicago, partly cloudy, 59.

Mrs. John cleves?
One moment, please.

Chicago calling.

Good morning, darling.
I'm out of the shower.

Can't you do anything
about those sleeves?

No, that's the way
they're supposed to be.

You said you bought it

because you thought
they were so graceful.

Has the milkman
said anything to you?

About those sleeves?

No, no.
Does he think it's funny,

you know, milk
every day of the week,

cream only on Thursday?

He hasn't said a word
to me about it.

Hmm.

Of course,
it's only been two years.

Maybe he's thinking
how to phrase it.

What's the matter?

It's my birthday.

Oh, no. It completely
slipped my mind.

Ha.

Look in my pocket.

Oh, John.

No, no, no,
the other one.

Happy birthday, baby.

John, I didn't
expect anything.

I didn't --

oh, it's absolutely,

positively
just right for you.

I knew it would be.

How could you go wrong?

Well, cartier's did
a hell of a job.

They designed it
especially for US.

You didn't notice

the way they worked in
the blo-cold trademark?

You can't see it
unless you look for it.

It may be you'll have
to let the agency use it,

if they do another blo-cold
refrigerator commercial.

I'll never take it off...

When I have it.

If the agency can spare it,

I'll be buried in it.

It's your birthday.
You're a child.

Can't we do without
this burial business?

[ Whining ]
No, I'm not a child.

John, you just
don't understand.

It's so horrible
to be...

30.

Sweetheart, sweetheart,
you're still in kindergarten.

Now, look at me. Look.

I'm -- well,
whatever I am,

and I still think
of myself as 22,

and you're 18,

and that's the end
of the subject.

You're sweet, John.

Sure. Sure, I am.

John?

What made you pick
exactly 18 for me?

On the advice
of my attorney.

Anything under
is statutory rape.

I have another present
for you.

Where?

Where is it?

Right here.
Me for the day.

I can't believe it.

Well, it wasn't easy.
I told the office

I'm still officially
out of town,

duluth, I think it is,
where it is 84 and humid.

I love you so.

Oh, we've never had
a whole day.

We've never had
a whole day,

just little pieces
of Wednesday.

Well, it's your day.

What would you like
to do with it?

We can just be like people,

and we don't have
to stay locked up here.

I'm so excited,
I can't stand it.

Let's go to coney island
and ride the roller coaster.

It's your day.

What would you like
to do with it?

Oh, I know.

I know. Let's go
to the Lincoln center.

There's a chopin concert.

Hmm.

You don't like chopin?

I love chopin, but not
at the Lincoln center.

Dorothy's on
the board of directors.

Hey, you know
what would be fun?

We could go
to the shea stadium.

The mets are in town.

Dorothy is on the board
of directors there, too?

No, but Dorothy and I
have a season's box

right behind the dugout.
The mets shock easy.

You know what we can do?

We can have lunch
on the terrace

of the central park zoo.

Who could we possibly shock
at the zoo?

It's not that.
I'm recognized,

that spread in time
two years ago

and last month
in newsweek.

Wherever I go now,
people come up

and ask me
to autograph money.

I better call the office.

I don't trust
that new secretary.

I know what.

We'll have a picnic
in the garden.

The gladiola are blooming,
courtesy of bloomingdale's.

Miss linsley?

No, I'm not
in Cleveland.

No, I'm not
at the airport.

I'm at the executive suite.

Oh, Mr. Cleves,
I'm so glad you called

because you're late
for your appointment.

What appointment?

I told you to make
no appointments for today.

This is Thursday.

Oh, but, Mr. Cleves,

I thought you said
next Thursday.

The ambassador has been
waiting for 15 minutes.

Oh! Mr. Cleves,
you'll be glad to know

that I got
those theater tickets

Mrs. Cleves asked me to get.

For when?

Well, for tonight,
Mr. Cleves.

What? Call Mrs. Cleves
at home.

I can't, Mr. Cleves.

She's already left
short hills,

and, Mr. Cleves,

you haven't forgotten,
have you?

You have
a luncheon appointment

with Mr. Rezni
of persian oil,

and then after lunch,
two appointments --

miss linsley! Will you
do something for me?

Sit up straight,
clasp your hands at your desk,

and don't move
until I get there.

No appointments I said.
Did you hear that?

And a luncheon date
and two after that, too.

John, that's
the whole day.

I know, baby, and I'm just
as disappointed as you are.

I know you are.

Oh, John, I love you.

It was
a beautiful thought.

We'll try again
next year.

We still have tonight.

Oh, John,
I forgot about that.

We've never had
two nights in a row.

Baby...

As I was saying,

we've never had
two nights in a row.

But didn't you hear?
Thanks to miss linsley,

Dorothy has theater tickets
for tonight.

Well, that's okay.

How is Dorothy?

She's fine.

And Johnny? Debbie?

Fine.

Both: They're all fine.

Gosh, when I think
of those kids

with their little arms

flung over
their little heads...

That's a beautiful thought,
John. Hold it.

I hate to think
of you alone here.

I'm not alone.

I've got my goldfish,
and you're always with me.

Goodbye, John.
See you next Wednesday.

Miss linsley is the cousin

of Dorothy's roommate
at Bryn mawr.

I can't fire her,
but I can kill her.

Taxi.

Mind if I get out first?

What do I owe you?

65 cents.

All right.
Let's see...

In New York, we usually
say "keep the change."

It saves time.

Oh. Your time
or my time?

Give me a dime back.

Thanks, buddy.

Yeah.

Madison and 47th.

That's funny.
I just come from there.

[ Crying ]

Hello there.

Honey?

Hey, come on now, honey,

take a deep breath
and pull yourself together.

Aah!

Who are you?

You poor kid.

You really had a rough night
last night, didn't you?

Aah.

Hey, hey, I'm not
going to hurt you.

Who are you?

My name is cass Henderson,

and miss linsley said with
the convention in town --

miss linsley?

Yeah. She said I'd probably
never get a room,

and Mr. Cleves would
want me to be comfortable.

Mr...

Henderson.

Henderson. I'm sure
the company would be eager

to accommodate you,
but I don't --

accommodate me?

Oh, look, miss, I know
you have to say that,

but I didn't get
much sleep last night.

Oh, no offense.
You're a very pretty girl.

Mr. Henderson.

Putting your little brother
through school or something?

[ Crying ]

You're kind of emotional
for this business, aren't you?

A girl like you,
young, strong,

you can do anything.

Everybody has
to make a living,

but you could be
a receptionist, a file clerk.

You must go. You're invading
the privacy of my home.

Oh. I thought this was
the executive suite.

It is the executive suite,
but it isn't.

Miss linsley said it was
the executive suite.

Well, miss linsley is new.

She thinks it's
the executive suite.

She doesn't know
that it isn't.

Look, if you live here,

and this is
company property,

what are you doing living
on company property?

It's a special arrangement.

Huh?

Like a scholarship.

Oh.

Oh, a Grant,
like the Ford foundation.

More like a fulbright.

Now you must go.

I have to get out
of my sleeves

and clean up this mess.

Oh, okay, I'm going.

Would you mind
if I used your telephone

to call a buddy of mine,
see if he'll take me in?

Must you?

Thank you very much.

Oh, go ahead and get out
of your sleeves.

Go ahead.
I won't take a thing.

Well, you better be gone
when I come out.

Nice meeting you.

My pleasure, miss...

Operator?
Akron, Ohio, 973-9330.

Uh, Betty.

Hi, hon. Yeah. Put me on
with my brother, will you?

I can't hang on
to this phone. Yeah.

[ Whistling ]

George. George,
you know where I am?

I'm in the executive suite
of cleves incorporated.

Never mind how, George.

No, no, cleves isn't here,
but somebody else is,

a girl, lives here
on a special arrangement.

Getting out
of her sleeves.

Sleeves! Shut up
and listen a minute,

will you, George?

Now, she says
it's like a scholarship.

Now, you know
what that means.

Well, it means somebody's
keeping her, right, George?

So if I hang around,
maybe I can find out who.

It must be somebody
big in the company.

Who knows? She might
know cleves himself.

Look, brother,
this is last chance,

desperate time.
Now, we haven't been able

to get to the bandit
any other way --

and you're the fourth
old buddy I've called.

Sure, I understand.
Not a room in town.

Out!

That miss linsley
sure was right.

All the hotels
are booked solid.

Mr. Henderson,
why don't you just go away?

Oh, I'm going.
I'm going,

but one of the guys is going
to call me back here.

You'll let me wait
on my call, won't you?

Couldn't you go somewhere
and call your friend back?

There's a sweet
little booth

at the end of the block
with big windows.

Now, look, miss, uh...

Say, why don't you
sit down and just relax

and read a magazine?

And tell you what I'll do.

I'll clean up that mess
while I'm waiting.

I'll clean up
my own mess. Thank you.

Hey, honey,
that's not nice.

I said I would
clean up my own mess!

And I said
that's not nice!

I'll scream! Aah!

How do you do?
I'm Mrs. Cleves.

Well, how do you do?
I'm cass Henderson.

I'm so sorry
to disturb you.

I didn't know.

Miss linsley didn't mention
anything -- oh, dear!

We all get a little weak
in this weather.

Shouldn't we get your wife
a glass of water?

Wife?

I've never
been here before.

It belongs
to my husband's company,

the executive suite.

Of course, you know that,
don't you?

Do you come
to New York often?

Well, I haven't --

where do you usually stay?

I prefer
the Sherry-netherland myself --

oh, of course,
you stay here, don't you?

After all,
that's what it's for.

I suppose you're wondering
why I'm here,

as well you might.

I wanted to catch John
before he left.

Oh! Just keep sipping, dear.

You saw my husband,
didn't you?

I must have
just missed him.

See, last week,
I came in town to shop,

must have been Wednesday
because John was in Chicago.

At any rate, I saw
this coat at maximillian's,

and I haven't been able
to sleep since.

I've never coveted
anything in my life --

I adore church candlesticks,
such a sense of history.

So I dash back to maximillian's
this morning.

They reduced it for me.

Floribundas and heliotrope.

Now that's charming...

More than I can say
for the rest of this place.

So I left a deposit

and dashed over
to the office to fetch John,

but his secretary
miss linsley

told me he'd
stopped off here.

I hadn't the slightest notion
there was an executive suite.

Well, that's John,
so much on his mind.

So I dashed up,
and here I am,

and, well, I must admit,
thoroughly appalled --

overdone, diffuse,
bizarre.

Obviously done
by someone insecure.

Probably cost
a fortune, too.

[ Groans ]

She's starving for air.

Coffee might help.

Coffee...might...help.

Very sensible
of you, dear.

Breathe deeply.

[ Inhaling ]

Are you feeling
any better?

Color seems to be
coming back a bit --

I'll never get used
to these bifocals.

Tried contact lenses,
but John found

the glint in my eye
too disturbing.

I couldn't find
any coffee,

but this is a kind
of stimulant.

Oh, champagne.
How charming.

[ Pop ]

Oh. I adore that sound.

It reminds me
of midnight sailings.

So festive.

My wife's got a real thing
about champagne.

Can't get enough
of the stuff.

Say, darling, how about
if I get some glasses,

then Mrs. Cleves
can join US, huh?

Oh, how nice, a party,
a surprise party.

Champagne this time
of day.

I feel so wicked.

My, wasn't that quick?

Here we go.

Whenever John and I
went to Europe,

we lavished ourselves
with magnums of champagne.

Of course,
it's been years

since I've been anywhere.
John loathes traveling.

Goes off wednesdays,
collapses Thursdays.

[ Gulping ]

Oh, thank you.

[ Telephone rings ]

Hello.

Hello?

No voice.
Just heavy breathing.

Some kind of a nut.

Salud.

To the Hendersons.

To our host and hostess.

Well, thank you.

[ Telephone rings ]

Hello?

Who the hell's there?

No one.

Well, someone
answered the telephone,

a man's voice.

Oh, listen, Giselle,

I was just about
to step into the tub.

Call you back, huh?

You know, your voice
reminds me of someone.

I can't quite think who,
but someone.

Oh, that's me --

look like everybody,
sound like everybody.

That's enough, sweetheart.

Well, I must run along.

I don't want to keep you
from your bath.

Oh, don't go,
Mrs. Cleves.

I really should.

It's been so nice
meeting you.

So young, your lives
stretching out before you.

Do you have children?

Not yet.

No, no.

Well, you're just
a child yourself.

I've aged today.

Oh?

It's my birthday.

Happy birthday.

I want to tell you something,
both of you,

something told to me
by a very wise woman

on my wedding day.

It's my birthday present
to you, cass, and to you, uh,

I can't remember what
you said your first name was.

Uh, my wife has
a very unusual first name.

Ellen.

Ellen.

Believe me, it works.

"Dorothy," she said,
"never, never,

never go to sleep
angry at each other."

Whatever discord John and I
may have had,

oh, little things,
we have never, never --

[ telephone rings ]

Hello?

By now you've had time
to ask that fellow his name

and just what
he's doing --

Giselle, I told you I was
getting into the tub.

Well, why aren't you
in it?

How can I be
when you keep calling?

I told you
I'd call you back.

That can't be gladiola
blooming this time of year.

I should never drink champagne
in the morning,

especially in this weather.

I think I'll run
the water in my tub.

Excuse me.

Oh, Mrs. Henderson.

Mrs. Henderson.

Ellen?

I really must go,
but before I do,

I want to see you kids
kiss and make up.

No more nonsense.
Just to please me?

Now come on. Try it.

Okay.

Darling.

She didn't understand.

Honeybun, Mrs. Cleves

said never to go to bed
without, uh...

I know what you're thinking.
Oh, yes, I do.

You're thinking that we
just got out of bed.

Let's be friends.
Come here,

right over here
and sit down, huh?

There we go.

There. Now I feel
much better.

So do I.

Feeling better
every minute.

Well, of course you are.

Now I'll leave you kids
to adjust to each other,

and remember what
that nice old woman said.

You may fight in here
in the living room,

but in there, that's where
the peace treaty's signed.

She was a very wise
old lady.

That one little piece
of advice, she said,

saw her through
three marriages. Bye-bye.

Well, I'm willing
to negotiate.

How about you?

Why don't you just
go away?

Honey, I'm your husband,
remember?

We just kissed
and made up.

[ Telephone rings ]

Oh, no.

Hello.

Hello?

Is this 734-7098?

Uh, yes, it is.
Can I help you?

Put miss Gordon on.

Hang on just a minute.

Would there be a miss Gordon
anywhere around here?

Oh. How do you do?

Hello.

Well, I'm ready.

Are you ready to tell me
all about it?

Well, you know
miss linsley,

Mr. Cleves' secretary?

She sent him here
because she said

he probably couldn't
get a hotel room.

Somebody should have
a sharp word with her.

I have one for her.
Hello?

Miss linsley?

Hello?

Get the hell in here.
I would like a word with you.

Say, how long have you
been living here?

Must I have you
removed by force?

Just as soon as I get
my call now.

Are you sure your friend
is going to call?

Oh, he'll call.

[ Telephone rings ]

Hello.

Oh, hi, Giselle,
how are you?

It must be for you.

Hello.

Is he still there?
Why didn't you get rid of him?

You didn't let me
finish.

He's just waiting
for a call, that's all.

Did you speak
with miss linsley?

I mean, did she
tell you everything?

Everything? You mean
there's more?

Oh, miss linsley
didn't tell you.

Well, Mrs. Cleves
stopped by the office,

and miss linsley sent her
up here, too. Hello?

Miss linsley!
In here on the double!

You know, that Mrs. Cleves
is a nice lady.

Oh, you think so?

Well, she'd better keep
her wretched itchy fingers

off this place. It's mine.

Diffuse and bizarre
and insecure it may be,

but it's mine,
every bit of it.

I've spent years
scouting 3rd Avenue

and the salvation army
and auctions -- ow!

What did you do?

What, did you cut your foot?

I'm all right.

Let me see it now.

You got any alcohol?

Or I could kiss it.

Don't bother.

Give me this.
Come here now.

Ow.

There you go.
Feel better, huh?

Now, you just sit
right back there, relax,

read the newspaper,
get yourself unwound,

and...

You must have made
the Dean's list.

Hey.

Oh, I can't stand it
anymore.

I can't stand it
one more minute.

Where are you going?

To the river!

To the river?

Hey!

Hey, mister. Quick.
Which way's the river?

We've got two rivers, mister.

Well...

Miss Gordon!

Stop her!

Is she a thief?

No.

I only stop thieves.

Ellen, wait!

Don't do it.

He's not worth it.

Have you been
following me?

You mustn't do it.

What? Do what,
for heaven's sake?

Well, throw yourself
in the river.

Who said anything

about throwing myself
in the river?

Well, you did. I said,
"where are you going?"

And you said,
"to the river."

Well, no,
I-I always come here

when I'm feeling
depressed and unhappy.

I mean, there's something

about this playground
and the children.

You mean you're not going

to throw yourself
in the river?

Of course not.

Well, what's the matter?

You -- you seem
disappointed.

No, no, it's just,

I did all that running
and yelling and --

I have to admit
it's kind of an anticlimax.

I've got to sit down
somewhere.

Are you, um...

Are you married?

No.

Let's get married.
Do you like me?

Well, yeah.

You've seen my place.
Do you like it?

Yeah, but --

then let's get married.

I really wasn't thinking
about getting married.

If I thought about it,
Betty my secretary --

are you engaged to her?

Well, no.

Then you're free.
So let's get married.

I thought you were
kind of involved.

Well, I was,
but no more.

Oh.

Listen, I'm great
around the house.

I cook, I clean,
I drive a car,

and I'm healthy.

See, no cavities.

How about that?

And I promise you,
you'll never be bored.

Well, I can believe it.

Uh, why don't
we think about it, hmm?

Oh, no.
I haven't got time.

I'm 30 years old.

I wouldn't have
admitted that

to my own mother.

Y-You certainly
don't look it.

Well, it only happened
today.

Oh.

Well, you would
have found out

on the license anyway.

Ellen,

since I met you
this morning,

I couldn't help noticing

that you're a very, um,
impulsive girl.

I've only had two fiancés
in my whole life --

Jules and --
and this one.

That's pretty
darn clean for 30.

I mean, i-I'm --
I'm a nice person.

Sweet.

I think you're very sweet
and very nice.

Good. Then we can go
right down to city hall.

We'll go this afternoon.

This afternoon
isn't good for me.

Then we'd be
Mr. and Mrs. Cass Henderson.

Ha ha ha.
Wouldn't they be surprised?

She wouldn't.

Oh, he would.

Oh, wouldn't he, though?

He's not the one.

I-I don't know Mr. Cleves.

No, I've never met
Mr. Cleves.

I've been in love
with Mr. Cleves

ever since I had
the hepatitis.

Mr. Cleves is -- was --

my -- my fiancé
before you --

after Jules.

You're not surprised.

No, no, I kind of figured
he was the one --

after Jules.

You want a push?

John.

Ah, sweetheart,
come right in.

Miss, uh, linsley said

you'd come in
from short hills.

How was Cleveland?
Or was it Detroit?

It was Columbus,

and it was 89
with scattered showers.

I know. You told me.

Oh, it's new, isn't it?

Yes.

John, you never told me
you had an executive suite.

Oh, didn't I?

Oh, I must have
mentioned it.

Or maybe I didn't.

It only cost 32 grand.
Ha ha ha.

I'm not in the habit

of mentioning sums
like that.

John, who did
the decorating?

I don't know. I think
we bought it furnished.

Was there
anyone there when --

oh, John,
the darlingest couple,

and it was so cute.

They were having a fight
when I barged in.

Leave it
to Dorothy cleves.

They were practically
you-know-what when I left.

Who?

They. The Hendersons --
cass and Ellen.

And what exactly
do you mean

by "practically
you-know-what"?

Well, it's
Mrs. Henderson's birthday,

and is there a better way
to celebrate one's --

oh, John, I bought myself
themost sumptuous coat.

Just a minute.
Let me get this straight.

You bought yourself a coat
because it was Ellen's --

uh, Mrs. Henderson's
birthday?

No. Because they took
the price down

more than half.

There's nothing
more practical

than, sable, John.
It's so all-purpose.

[ Sighs ]

I should have stayed
in Columbus,

or was it Detroit?

For a year I wouldn't have
anything to do with him

because he was married,

and then when I got
the hepatitis,

he came to see me
at the hospital every day.

The day I was discharged
and he brought me home,

from floor to ceiling,
nothing but balloons.

And that did it --
two years of wednesdays.

You're still
in love with him.

Oh, no.
No, that's all over.

I'm going to
devote myself to you

and spend my life
making you happy.

Oh, I'm quite happy
right now just as I am.

It's absolutely burglar-proof.
I designed it myself.

It's such
a simple little gadget.

It's going
to make me a fortune.

Oh, I'm glad
you're ambitious

'cause I'm not.

A lot of people are going
to be surprised by US.

Wait till you meet
my mother.

Cass, let's fill the house
with children, huh?

Lots of them right away.

You act like
a hummingbird,

and you've got the soul
of a little brown hen.

You just can't wait
to climb into the nest

and sit down, can you?

I'm going to be so happy
not being alone anymore

that I'm going
to be a doll.

Oh, I'm so excited.

I'm so warm,
I can't stand it.

You know, you are
kind of adorable.

I think I'd better
call my mother.

She lives in waterbury,
Connecticut.

If Thursday is a bad day
for color TV,

she can take the train here,
and you can meet her.

Oh, boy, is it hot!
Say, I need a shower.

I wonder if I could scrub up
while I wait on my call.

Go ahead. There are
plenty of soft towels.

Thank you.

Cass?

Yeah?

You know another great thing
about being married?

What's that?

We can take showers
together, and nobody --

nobody can point a finger.

Uh...

[ Tires screeching ]

Keep the change.

Mother, stop taking on so.

You know perfectly well

they always have
an incurable disease

at the end of the program
before the commercial.

In tomorrow's installment,
they'll find a new doctor --

all right, where is he?

Goodbye, mother.

I called to congratulate you
on my birthday.

Where is he?

Will you stop shouting?

For me, this is a normal
conversational tone!

I want to know
what's been going on here.

Where is he?

Excuse -- uh, um...

Clean shirt.

You haven't met yet.

Uh, John,
this is cass Henderson.

Cass, this is
John cleves.

Well, I've been waiting
to talk to you, Mr. Cleves.

Oh, John,
at least shake hands.

I wrote you six letters,
you know.

I never received
any letters.

Now wait a minute.
Yes, you did.

The last three I sent
special delivery registered.

I got the receipts right --
well, I got the receipts.

That way.

He has to get dressed.

I'm not through
with you, cleves.

You'renot
through with me?

Has he been here all day?
Just the two of you?

Yes.

Alone?

Yes!

What the hell
does he think he's doing?

He's being my husband

to protect you
from your wife.

It's all for you.

I'll tell you what
he can do for me.

He can get the hell
out of here

and back to wherever
he came from.

Oh, listen, baby...

I, uh, canceled
my appointments.

You know what that means.

No, John,
that won't work anymore.

We've reached the end
of the road.

Say, what is this,
cliché time on channel 5?

Reached the end
of the road.

Whatever happened to

"we can't go on
like this any longer"

or "it's better
that we part friends"?

No.

You want to see
those receipts?

No, I don't want
to see those receipts,

and I've seen all of you
I care to see.

Don't you talk that way

to the man
I'm going to marry.

I know you manufacture
some cockamamie gadget.

Cocka--
slip-on safety knobs.

Well, whatever it is,

there's a perfectly
reasonable reason...

Your wife insulted
my good taste.

Why we're closing
you down next week.

Yeah, to establish
a tax loss, that's why.

Oh, Henderson,
when I buy a company --

and I buy them
by the dozen --

every piece of information
about that company --

rate of growth,
unit cost, all that --

is fed into a 607.

A 6-0 what?

A 607 computer.

Apparently,
cleves corporation

can function better

without Henderson
machine and tool.

Nothing personal about it.

Nothing personal?

Your people come to akron
six months ago,

they sweet-talk me
into selling,

and they gave
my brother and me

a 3-year contract
to stay on and manage.

You'll be paid off
in full.

I don't want to be
paid off in full!

I am not
a football coach.

I have not had
a losing season.

Who else does she know

who has gladiola
this time of year?

You close US down,
no one will ever hear

of the slip-on
safety knob.

Who do you think
you're pulling?

He knows who he's pulling.
I introduced you.

John cleves,
that's who he's pulling.

Look at this.

It slips right on over
the doorknob.

I'll close the door,

and you just try
to open it.

Aren't you even
going to try it?

Business is business.
You made a deal.

Take your money and go build
another business.

I tell you that thing
is burglar-proof.

Oh, it is?

Yeah.

Well, Henderson,
I've changed my mind.

Yeah?

I'm not closing you down
next week.

You're through
as of tomorrow morning!

What?

Oh, no, I'm not, cleves.

Oh, no. I never give up,

especially with something
like the slip-on safety knob.

Henderson, 50% of every rocket
going to the moon

is a product
of cleves corporation,

and you talk to me
about slip-on knobs.

My god,
that's Dorothy's feet.

Voilà.

It is the most excruciatingly,

exquisitely beautiful example
of bad taste.

Oh, hello,
Mrs. Henderson.

I didn't see you
standing there.

I saw you.

Hello, Mr. Henderson.

Oh, hi.

Don't you look domestic.

Oh, well, I was just
relaxing in the garden.

Ellen, this is Felix.

How do you do?

Oh, my dear.

You're so wrong
for this room,

so stark wrong.

I've persuaded Felix
to redecorate this room.

For a perfectly
outrageous fee.

Well, if this room's
any indication,

the bedroom is probably
the black hole of Calcutta.

Shall we square
our shoulders

and have a look?

No. It's such a mess.

Everything is so rumpled.

Oh, do I gather you
and Mr. Henderson

took my advice?

My dear,
the rumpled beds

I've seen in my lifetime,

not to mention the beds
I personally have rumpled.

But...

[ Jiggling doorknob ]

You try it, dear.

You're so much stronger
than I am.

Oh, well...

No matter.

I just wanted one quick
preliminary peek.

I already know
what has to be done.

I'll send my truck
Monday morning,

and we'll cart
all this stuff away,

every single stitch.

Cart it away?

Where to?

I couldn't care less.

An auction gallery
if they'll have it.

Come, Dorothy.
I have an appointment.

Felix,
couldn't we spare this?

It's rather sweet, hmm?

No, dear.
We have to be ruthless,

absolutely ruthless.

Bye, Ellen.

Oh, bye, Mr. Henderson.

Goodbye, Mrs. Cleves.

I've just had the most
brilliant idea.

John and I will take you
both to dinner tonight --

our treat, of course.

Oh, oh, well, um...

It'll be my pleasure.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Mrs. Cleves, you mustn't
change your plans for US.

We have no plans
at all --

just killing
an evening in town.

Your theater tickets.

Miss linsley will call
the broker and cancel them.

Let's make
a real night of it.

We'll meet at les etoiles,
8:00, hmm?

Now, just try not to be
aware of your environment.

Next time you come to stay,

it'll be quite,
quite different.

Won't it, Felix?

Dorothy, please.
I'm getting nauseous.

Bye-bye.

Mrs. Henderson,
how did you happen to know

I had theater tickets?

I don't remember
mentioning that.

Didn't you?

Well, perhaps I did.

8:00, huh? Bye-bye.

John!

Get me out of here?

Did you hear what she said?

Yes. Why didn't you say
you had a dinner date?

Not that, my furniture.

They're going to
auction it off like slaves.

Get me out of here.

There's a little pin
underneath the knob,

Mr. Cleves.

You just push up on it.

See how simple it is?

This cockamamie gadget
just saved your life.

John, we're through.

And once more,

I am not leaving
this apartment,

and if they
so much as lay

one little finger
on my furniture...

I hate you!
I hate you!

Oh, Ellen, you're upset.

This is no time --

no. This is the man
I'm going to marry.

We have everything in common,

and he loves children, too.

And my mother approved of him
over the phone.

Do you mean
to tell me --

I want you
to take your things

and walk out
of this room forever.

[ Gasps ]

Oh, you sweet man.

You must have gotten up

in the middle
of the night

with your little
helium kit

and blown up
all these balloons.

Oh, John.

Oh, and coming to see me
every day in the hospital

when I was so yellow.

Oh, I love you.

Oh, John, I love you.

What are you
still doing here?

Well, I'm waiting
to go out to dinner.

We have a double date,
remember?

Mr. and Mrs. John cleves

and Mr. and Mrs.
cass Henderson.

Have you finished
your drink?

I'm down to the olive.
Thanks for asking.

What makes you so jumpy?

I'm not in the least jumpy.

I just hate to be
kept waiting, that's all,

and if they're not here
on the dot --

Hello. Don't you
look beautiful?

Thank you very much.

Not you -- Ellen.

Oh, well, in akron,

I'm considered
the beautiful one.

Of course you two
big businessmen

know one another.

It's good to see you again,
Mr. Cleves.

Charmed, Henderson.

Ellen, may I present
my husband John?

How do you do,
Mr. Cleves?

How do you do,
Mrs. Henderson?

Mrs. Henderson,
Mr. Cleves -- nonsense.

Ellen, John.
John, Ellen.

Hello there, Ellen.

Hello there, John.

Won't you sit here,
Ellen?

Okay, there we go.

No, no.
Next to Mrs. Cleves.

Well, I'm used to sitting
next to my wife.

In New York,

husbands do not sit
next to wives.

There's not a law.
If cass really wants --

no.

Good evening.
May I take your order?

What would you like
to drink, Ellen?

I don't care for anything,
thank you.

You see, due to a strange
set of circumstances,

I had rather a lot
of champagne this afternoon.

Why does your voice sound
so familiar to me?

Does it to you, John?

No. And what
would you like?

I think I'll have
a scotch sour, darling.

You just had a Martini.

I know, but --

they don't mix.

A Martini for Mrs. Cleves.
Henderson?

If my wife is Ellen,
I'm cass.

I'll have a daiquiri.

Absolutely the worst drink
in this sort of weather.

I'm having
Jack Daniels neat.

I recommend it to you.
Two Jack Daniels neat.

Isn't he a tyrant?

Felix and I
spent the afternoon

picking out materials.
I promise you

the next time you two
come to town,

you won't recognize
the place.

Mrs. Cleves,
there's something

I think I should tell you.

All of that
horrible stuff --

my, my, my, my,
look at that view.

Of course.

That's why I suggested
les etoiles --

a spectacular display
in all directions.

Out-of-towners love it.

John, why don't you
give Ellen the tour,

and I'll show cass around?

Good idea.

What is it,
just lights?

Oh, come on, John.

I'm sure cass and Ellen

have never seen
anything like it.

Not in akron.

Oh, dear,
I almost forgot.

Happy birthday
from John and me.

If you don't like it,

cartier is terribly nice
about exchanges.

Oh, I'm sure I'll like it.

Thank you, Mrs. Cleves.

Well, it's from John, too,
of course.

Thank you, John.

I wanted you
to remember today.

Uh, have fun.

Darn it.

Why did she have to
give me a birthday present?

I was all ready
to let her have it

about my apartment.
A pillbox!

John, I've never
had a pillbox.

If we don't look
at those damn lights,

she'll get suspicious.

Two people thought
of me today --

you and your wife.

And that's New Jersey.

And look to the right --
George Washington bridge.

How about that?

Isn't it glorious?

The pillbox did it.

John, I'm leaving you.

Now that I've met her,
I'm so ashamed.

You're dramatizing,

and please pretend
to look at the view.

I'm going to find
a husband somewhere

and have lots of children,

and they'll gather around me
and bake a cake.

Next year you'll open
the closet door,

and there will be balloons.

You've been saying
for years

that one of US
should be strong enough

to break it off.
Well, tonight I'm strong.

But -- radio city.

Ellen, don't you
just love it?

She loves it.

But what would you do?
Where will you go?

Go? John,
I'm only leaving you.

You mean you'd stay
in the apartment?

Of course. It's my home.

It was my home
before I ever met you.

But do you realize
that on Monday

Felix and Dorothy will --

not now, John,

not while
I'm giving her you.

But she doesn't
know that.

Well, tell her.
And by the way, John,

I'd like my apartment back
in my name,

and that is all I want.
Nothing else.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

But, baby, let me
come back tonight.

No, John.
It's not Wednesday.

Besides, I wouldn't let you
even if you could.

I'll get rid of Dorothy,

and you get rid
of whatever his name --

here, put it on.

If Dorothy notices...

Nothing's more spectacular

than the George Washington
bridge.

This whole evening's
been spectacular.

[ People gasp ]

Well, the whole city's dark.

Oh, no, not again.

John, do you think
they're planning

to make it
an annual event?

Marriage is compromise.

For instance,
I love bright colors.

John can't bear them.

I don't wear them.

Compromise.

That's compromise?

Well, according
to John it is.

Oh.

Cass: I can wipe you out

with a few well-chosen words
to Mrs. Cleves.

You can stop
threatening me.

You know you're not
going to do it.

What the hell
have I got to lose?

That's my kind of ploy,
not yours.

You won't because you
haven't got the guts.

Dorothy:
John, we need a light.

Our candles have gone out.

Stay right there,
Mrs. Cleves.

I'm coming right down.

Mrs. Cleves?

Yes?

Be real careful going
down these steps, huh?

All right.

[ Horns honking ]

John, are you comfortable
in that jump seat?

Mm.

One grunt for yes,
two for no.

John has one
of those disc things

that pop in and out
at the most inopportune times.

I've always thought
it was psychosomatic,

but at that age,
they all have something.

Do you mind not discussing
my ailments?

Why don't we play a game?

We're obviously not going
to move for hours.

Great. A game.
How about charades?

Don't be a poop.

Ellen, it's your birthday,
your party.

You choose.

I don't know any games
for automobiles.

We can play the match game.
Do you have any matches?

I don't want to play.

It's one
of your favorites.

Not tonight it isn't.

Well, how about ghost?

I don't want to play.
I want to sit and sulk.

Be a sport.
You can start.

Well, just one then.

"X."

"Y." you next.

"Z."

"X," "y," "z"?
I challenge.

It just seemed
to come after "x," "y."

John loves to start
with "x."

The word was xylophone,
wasn't it, dear?

Usually is.

Now you're a third
of a ghost.

I'm really so bad
at games.

Why don't we try
something else?

Let's go around
and start a word

with the last letter
of the word before.

I like that game.

I hate it.

We haven't played
one game yet, dear.

All right, then,
but only one. I start.

Mountain.

Never.

Red.

Darling.

Groan.

Groan. Nome.

You're out. That word
starts with a "g."

Nome, Alaska, doesn't.

No proper names
nor place names.

You're out. I start.

You always start
no matter who --

isn't he dreadful?

He's learned he can get away
with it, so he does.

Alternately.

Oh. I'm out.

Yellow.

That's very good,
honeybun.

Um, wither.

Reply.

Yellow.

Sorry. You can't use
the same word twice.

You're out. I start.

Just the two of US?

Mm-hmm. Stupid.

Diabolic.

You're out.
The word is diabolical.

The dictionary says --

the dictionary is wrong.
You're out. I win.

John, there's a blackout.

Everybody's friendly
in a blackout.

All right.

I start.

Zahmahdah.

Zahmahdah?

I challenge there's
no such word as zahmahdah.

Arabic. Means "you are
a welcome guest in my house."

I win.

Arabic?

Who knows arabic?

John, really.

Anyone speak arabic?

I win, and that's
enough games.

Just a minute now, cleves.

You might get away
with that kind of thing

in your own social set,

but in the akron
athletic club,

you'd be clobbered.

Are you by any chance
suggesting --

I'm spelling it out
for you.

I'd be glad to add
a little punctuation.

You just try one comma,
and period!

This is a game
we play a lot in akron.

Do you know how it goes?
Like this?

What a nice, bright girl
you are.

Well, that's jolly.
Now what do we do?

Well, on the click,
you say the first thing

that comes into your mind,

and then you turn
to the person next to you

as you say it,

and then he says
the first thing

that comes to his mind
after your word,

and if you miss the beat,
you're out.

Couldn't be easier,
and we can all play.

I suppose you two
are sharks.

Ellen's played
more than I have.

I don't really
remember.

It's called
free association.

Oh, like rorschach.

Do you want
to start, John?

I don't want to play.

All right. You needn't.
We'll play. Let's begin.

You start.

Okey-doke.
Everybody ready?

Let's see now. Man.

Woman.

Child.

Nurse.

Sick.

Hospital.

Ether.

Smell.

Bad.

Good.

Rotten.

Egg.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I missed a beat.

I just love it.

Now this time
we play for real, huh?

I start.

Late.

Night.

Police.

Crook.

Man.

Liar.

Cheat.

Husband.

Master.

Mistress.

Marry.

Guilt?

Blackmail.

Secrets.

Kept.

Love.

Sex.

Fun?

No.

Yes.

No!

Why?

Yes, why?

Well, I don't know.
Are we still playing?

Of course.

Look, traffic's moving.

We don't have
to play anymore.

Boy, that was some game,
that was.

I'm tired.

Cass, i-I'd like
to be alone. Please?

Ellen, I feel
responsible for you.

I know it's your life,

and if you want
to put your neck

back in the noose,
it's your neck,

but I got to at least
try to stop you.

Why?

Because we're friends.
I like you.

Friends. We almost got --

we almost got married
this afternoon.

You're sweet, cass,

but I can take care
of myself.

Oh...

Not with that guy,
you can't.

You can't play his game
any more than I can.

We play according
to the rules.

He breaks them all
then makes his own.

Well, well, well.

Your great and good friend

must have talked
to the governor.

Well, that only lasted
4 1/2 hours this time.

That's progress.

She's really quite sweet,
isn't she?

Who?

Ellen. Mrs. Henderson.

Rather dramatic, though --

those long white gloves
with the fur on them,

the diamond necklace.

The necklace
was rather bad taste.

Do you know
what time it is? 1:30.

By the time we get
to short hills and to bed,

it'll be time for me
to get up

and catch the next train
back here.

What are you
leading up to, John?

Well, you better go home,
and I'll go to the club.

That way,
at least I can get

a couple of hours sleep.

I don't care what
newsweekcalled him.

An eagle. Huh.
Well, I'm no eagle.

No, you're not, but then,
they're very scarce.

I don't want to be
an eagle!

That's no sour grapes.

I'd rather be down here
with the rest of the people

with normal human instincts
and emotions, able to love,

living within the law.

He's no criminal.

He's got a good lawyer.

And he's no monster.

He's a human being
with instincts and emotions,

and he canlove.

He loves me.

You certainly don't seem
to know much about love.

I'm full of love!
It's all right here.

It's just waiting
on the right person

to come along.

Takes two, you know.

He's going to keep taking

as long as you
keep giving, Ellen,

and he ain't
giving nothing,

and I don't mean
diamond necklaces.

Cass, please go away
and leave me alone.

John is coming back.

No! What a waste --

all of that sweetness
and love

going to that buzzard.

Sit down. You're always
talking about children

and never doing anything
about it.

This is a nest.

What is a nest
without a mate?

You think you've got
a visiting eagle?

You got a dirty old
cuckoo bird!

Sit down.
He's got his own nest,

patting his wife's Fanny
that way.

He did not.

Oh, yes, he did,
in the restaurant.

And he's still got
to go around

stealing
other people's eggs.

Eggs. You haven't got
an egg to sit on.

Oh, honey,
you can't win with him,

but you're so damned
hung up.

You want to know what
your hang-up is? Do you?

You're a 30-year-old child.

You only want
what you can't have.

Ellen.

Cass: In here!

Oh. You're still here.

And I've got something
to say to you.

Don't bother.
I was about to say

you may have exactly
what you want.

Henderson, your company
will stay open,

and you may have sole
control of management.

What?

Well, isn't that
clear enough?

I'm giving you exactly what
you've been shouting about.

Why?

To get you
the hell out of here!

Oh, no. Your word doesn't
mean anything, cleves.

I want it in writing.

Cass, he'll keep his word.

You're a great authority
on his promises,

aren't you?

A deal is a deal, man.
Don't be a bore.

Well, I hate to think
I've been boring.

Cass.

Oh, cass.

Ellen, what I said to you
just now, I --

it's not true.

Even if you win,
you lose.

Jack Armstrong,
the all-American boy.

Is he really gone?

I suppose it's difficult
for you to understand

under the circumstances,

but he's a very nice person.

John.

Hmm?

Did you really?

Did I really what?

Pat Dorothy's Fanny?

Well, cass said you did.

Say, what is he, the FBI?

Well, yes, maybe I did.

After all, you're married
to a person for 20 years,

it's just, um,
a reflex action.

I never dreamed.

You never asked me.

Ask my lover if he sleeps
with his wife?

What is that, some sort
of friendly pillow talk?

Well, it doesn't
happen often.

Yes, but it happens.
That's the shocker.

How can you possibly sleep
with one person

when you're supposedly
in love with another?

Well, um...

It's easy.

It's for the children.

They like to watch?

It's because
of the children

that Dorothy and I
are still married.

You know that.

Yes, but why do you
have to sleep with her?

Because if I didn't, it, uh,

just wouldn't be good
for the children.

Why do we have to
talk about it?

We do have to talk, John.

I'm here with you
where I want to be,

with the most desirable woman
in the world.

I don't like you, John.

I resent what
you're doing to her.

To both of US.

Well, you're hurting her,
and I'm part of it.

But she doesn't know
I'm hurting her, so I'm not.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Ah, Ellen,

listen, is Dorothy
a happy woman?

Well, is she?

You see,
we're not hurting her.

We're not taking
anything away from her.

In point of fact,
having you in my life

makes me a happy,
happy husband for Dorothy.

Far from hurting her, pet,
we're helping her.

We are?

Of course.

If I didn't have you,
Dorothy would be miserable.

I don't want to hurt her,
but why should I help her?

I mean, she's a nice woman
and everything,

but she's still your wife.

Sweetheart...

Sweetheart, I'm back!

Now what's going on?

Husband -- a husband
shouldn't leave his wife

because of a quarrel when
it's only the husband's fault.

What is this,
more blackmail?

Um...dorothy.

John.

Oh!

Repeat after me --

Mrs. John cleves,
one moment, please.

Chicago calling.

Oh.

Oh, hello, miss Gordon.

Good morning.

Oh, I, um, I'm going
to be moving

at the end of the week,

and I'm not going to need
any more milk.

You see, well,
I'm getting married.

Oh, congratulations
and best wishes.

Thank you.

Oh, miss Gordon?

I wonder if I could
ask you a question.

Yes.

Well, you've been living
in this apartment

for a long time,

and it was always
a bottle of milk,

then suddenly,
a couple of years ago,

it became
on Thursday morning only

a bottle of milk and cream.

I wondered about that.

And of course, last week,

it was and cream
every morning.

And you've been wondering
about that, too.

Yes, miss Gordon.

You don't mind
my asking, do you?

No, I don't mind
you asking,

if you don't mind
my not answering.

Oh, John,

I saw my gynecologist
yesterday, too,

and he says I have
a magnificent pelvis.

Isn't that nice?

He says I can have
a baby a year

and drop them
like peas out of a pod.

I am built
like a Chinese peasant.

You are.

Isn't that great?

[ Sighs ]

Baby, why don't you just
go on with the packing

so that movers
can get in here, huh?

Do I have to take
my flowers out?

No, you don't have to,
but if you don't,

somebody else will have to.

After all, this will be
the executive suite,

and cutesy touches
are just nowhere.

John, why didn't you
ever tell me

you thought
they were cutesy?

Well, I never thought
about them before

one way or another.

John?

Hmm?

Do you still love me?

Of course
I still love you,

and I'll prove it.

We'll go out
to dinner tonight.

Oh. You don't like
my cooking.

Like your cooking?
I love it.

I mean, that okra casserole
you made last week

with cottage cheese
and the poached egg

was superb.

You didn't even touch it.

I've been
off my feet lately --

you know, losing
that electronics deal,

then my back...

Well, I've got to run
to the office.

You are not wearing
your shoes.

Well, I never do
if I can help it.

Hmm. I hadn't noticed that
until lately.

You haven't been
around much until lately.

Oh, is that why?
Well, see you tonight, dear.

I've asked you
to come together

to meet your new mistress.

Kathleen, you promised
you'd be brave.

Yes, ma'am.

May I take your coat, miss?

Oh, thank you.

That's better.

Ellen, this is Kathleen,
the upstairs maid,

Lillian, her assistant,

Mrs. Jennings,
our housekeeper.

Of course you remember Jennings
who drove you from the station.

It's nice
to see you again.

I should have said
the indispensable Mrs. Jennings.

She knows exactly what
John wants for family dinners

and for entertaining.

Oh, you'll be entertaining

John's business associates
and their wives

about three nights a week,
most weekends.

Staff gets wednesdays off
'cause that's the one day

John's out of town
on...Business. Ahem.

This is Sandra,
the downstairs maid,

and Charles...

Charles,
just what is it you do?

Oh, a little bit
of everything,

Mrs. Cleves.

Oh, yes. And so important
on a place this size.

This is Ingrid.
Ingrid takes care of Eric,

who's our gardener
and her husband.

Eric is the most
superb gardener

in essex county.

He's famous
for his snapdragons.

How do you do?

I have plastic ones
at home.

Well, I-I have this thing
about seeing flowers die.

Now I suppose you'll want
to see the bedroom.

I was so surprised
when you called me.

I was rather
surprised myself.

You're absolutely right.

There's no reason why
we shouldn't be friends.

I'm sorry you mentioned
plastic flowers to Eric.

He's so temperamental,

and good gardeners
are so hard to come by.

I think no woman has really
had any luck with gardeners

since lady chatterly.

This is my suite.

Oh...lovely room.

Technically, John has
a suite of his own,

but we've always sort of
headquartered here.

I hope you'll have

the same sort
of arrangement.

Please, sit down.

I'm rather nervous
about meeting the children.

I hope they like me.

My dear, they like
anything pretty,

even poison oak.

Oh, I didn't mean...

When will they be
home from school?

Oh, about the middle
of June,

right after exams.

Right after exams?

I thought they went
to nursery school.

Nursery school?

Didn't John tell you
about them?

Johnny's at Harvard,

and Debbie's at Bryn mawr,
my Alma mater.

Oh.

I thought
they were younger --

a lot younger.

Johnny's taller
than his dad,

and Debbie's about
to get herself engaged.

Dear, what's the matter?

Oh, a staff, 37 rooms,
a wine cellar --

it's just not the way

I always thought
of being married.

Oh, I'm afraid
it's the only way

to be married to John.

Are there really
37 rooms?

Give or take
a sitting room.

Why don't we go
and count them?

If the train's on time,
I'll be able

to make my fitting
at maximillian's.

Wasn't it dear of John
to let me have the coat?

Sort of a bon voyage gift,
you might say.

Mrs. Cleves --

Dorothy.

Dorothy, yes.

Dorothy, when you
come back from Reno,

where are you
going to live?

Oh, I don't know.
I'll travel a bit.

All I need is
a small place in town

to hang my clothes.

Why don't you take
my place? No, seriously.

The present tenant
is moving out,

and it's owned
by the company,

and therefore it's...

Tax deductible.Tax deductible.

I love it.
It's a marvelous idea.

I'll have another look
at the place.

Certainly,
any time you say.

Today, if you like.

Well, let's see.

There's the fitting
and then the dinner date.

In between, I thought
I'd check into a hotel

and have a bath
and freshen up.

Why don't you use
the apartment?

I'm not going to be home
until at least 6:30.

There are thick towels
and bath salts,

even bubbles,
if you like.

How sweet of you.

Such a bother checking
in and out of a hotel

just for a bath,

and, oh,
I do love bubbles.

[ Door closes ]

Ellen?

Ellen?

Oh, John.

What are you
doing here?

Taking a bath
at Ellen's invitation.

What are you doing home
at this hour?

I just got word.

I've got to go
to Milwaukee immediately --

business.

Hello? Miss Ellen Gordon?

One moment, please.
Milwaukee calling.

Oh, John, you're not
starting that already

with that poor girl.

No, no, no, this is
really legitimate.

I mean,
I really have to fly

to Milwaukee
on business, honest.

Well, if I were you,
I wouldn't give her

the weather report
when I telephoned her tonight.

She may not be as dumb
as I was.

Now if you don't mind,

I'm getting out
of the tub.

So what? In 20 years
of married life,

I must have seen you
at least a thousand times

getting out of the tub.

May I remind you,

you no longer
have the right legally

to see me getting out
of the tub.

Oh, knock it off.
Don't tell me

you're going to stand
on a technicality.

I most certainly am,
darling.

Oh.

[ Door rattling ]

Oh, damn, damn, damn!

What's the matter?

Oh, it's that damn
slip-on knob.

I've been locking
myself in all week.

Well, obviously, it isn't
going to do you much good

to keep rattling
that knob.

Ellen said she wouldn't
be back until 6:30.

6:30? Oh.

Well, who was it said

that if something or other
is inevitable,

relax and enjoy it.

Turn your back.
I'm going to get dressed.

What's the sense
in getting dressed?

You're not going anywhere.
You're locked in.

Well, when I'm unlocked,

I'd rather not
be found undressed.

Hi.

Cass! Oh!

Oh, I never thought
I'd see you again.

Well, I came
by your place.

There was no answer,
so I came here.

How did you know
I'd be here?

I know it's
a hangout of yours,

especially when
you're unhappy.

I'm not unhappy.
I'm terribly happy.

Dorothy's going to Reno,

and I'm going to live
in a 37-room house,

and, well,
I'm terribly happy.

Well, I'm terribly happy
you're terribly happy.

What time is it?

A little after 6:30.

Let's go home, huh?
I'll make you a drink.

Still champagne?

Yeah, from last night.
I hope you don't mind.

I love it flat.

Okay. You know,
we've had dinner home

every night this week,

and John just loves
my cooking.

Oh, cass,
it's so great

being together
all the time,

and, oh, cass,
it is such a relief

to be going straight.

I understand
the settlement's

all ready to sign.

I wonder if you realize
how all this bugs me.

When we met

in Pete Mitchell's office
Friday morning --

you and I across a table,

all that legal razzmatazz,

the end of a life
together.

I know, I know.

When we discussed
the mausoleum,

I'd always pictured US
side by side --

you and I
and Debbie and Johnny.

You make it sound
like a bus ride.

It's a very serious thing.

Of course it is, dear.

Yes, it's all
very unsettling --

my whole family together
in my family's mausoleum

and me rattling away
somewhere by myself.

You won't be
by yourself, dear.

You'll be with Ellen.

Ellen will probably want
to be with her own people.

You always want to be
with your own people.

Maybe you could invite
Ellen to be with US.

Then we'd all be
in one place together.

That's very thoughtful,
but, darling,

let's not do anything
impulsive.

We could try
a separation --

legal, of course.

You'd be free,
I'd be free,

and we could still file
a joint return.

No, John. You can file
a joint return

with Ellen -- same thing.

Oh, no, it isn't.

I'll arrange it
the first thing on my agenda.

We don't want too full
an agenda, do we, dear?

I'll, uh...

Go right
for the champagne.

Oh, okay. Here,
let me take that.

Thank you.

These your glasses?

Uh-huh.

Ha ha ha.

They help your eyes?

Enormously.

See? Don't I look
like a wife?

Oh, yep, sure do.

Well, it looks like
you're moving.

Yeah, this really is
going to be

the executive suite now.

Till I get married,

I'm going to live
in a hotel.

You're happy
about that, too?

Very happy.

Boy, I've been thinking
about these flowers all week.

I was beginning to think
I dreamed it,

but, no, there they are.

Ellen, Ellen, how does
your garden grow?

Buy them at the store
and tie them on.

Cass?

Do you think
they're cutesy?

What's cutesy?

Oh, you know, uh...

Cutesy.

I think you're cutesy.

You look real clean.

And your glasses --
you look great.

That's because
I'm so happy.

I said it before,
and I'll say it again.

I'm happy you're happy.

I've never been
so happy --

never.

I didn't think anybody...

[ Sobbing ]
Could be this happy.

What's the matter,
honey?

What's the matter,
sweetie?

I know his back hurts him,

and he lost
his electronics deal.

Oh, he wants
electronics now, huh?

He sure as hell
wanted me.

Oh! Sometimes I think

he doesn't even
like me anymore.

Oh, well, now...

We never make love.

Oh.

We used to stay up
all night making love.

Well, then why don't you
talk to him about that?

I did! I did.

He said that was
one night a week,

and the next day
he was like a zombie.

Now I don't even get

the one night
I used to have.

Oh, now, honey,

sex is a lot
in the head, you know.

If he's got things
on his mind,

well, I mean, a guy's
got to be in the mood.

He's always in a mood.

Oh, is he?

He mopes around
and hardly ever talks to me.

Well...

He comes home.

He has dinner
and works on his papers.

Then he says he has
to get some sleep,

and before I can even
say good night,

he's snoring.

Oh, well, you knew
he snored.

How would I know?
He never slept.

Oh.

I know it's a big adjustment
for him and all

and the morning papers
and everything.

Yes. What's that
got to do with it?

Well, you see, he has
all these habits.

Uh-huh.

He used to read
the morning papers

on the train
going to New York,

and now
he's all mixed up,

and he doesn't know
when to read them.

And then last night

they were full
of nail Polish

from when I did
my toenails.

I don't know why
he got so mad.

I didn't get any
on the financial page.

No, no.

And he hates every
white cottage I find.

And every time
I mention our children,

he just freezes.

And when I told him

how the doctor
raved about my pelvis --

my pelvis --
he wasn't even excited!

He doesn't appreciate
how important

a good pelvic measurement
is to a woman.

No, he doesn't,
sweetheart.

Oh, I've been
so miserable,

and I couldn't
tell anybody.

Well, well, well...

Oh, cass, I'm so happy
to have you for a friend.

So am I, honey.

Yes. I-I feel
so close to you.

Sure you do.

I wonder
what's keeping Ellen.

She said 6:30.

No sense of time,
that girl.

Cass, I love John.

John, we are getting
a divorce,

and you're going to
marry that poor girl.

No, you don't, honey.
He's wrong for you.

I do,
and he's not.

The poor man is
just, well...

You're
very upsetting.

Upset, that's all.

Thank you for being
so comforting.

Comforting?

Comforting.

I'm sorry
I got so unnerved.

I just sort of
slopped over, didn't I?

Let's just forget it.

What brings you
to New York this time?

You. All week
I've been seeing

purple flowers
and balloons

and diamond necklaces.

Oh, cass,
please don't.

I may not be
the right guy for you,

but neither is that --

please stop.Please stop.

Okay, okay.

He's got glamour.

I'm willing
to admit that.

He's an important man.

He's charming,
attractive,

highly intelligent,
amusing.

Okay, all right,
he's all of those things,

but then, so are you,

and, besides,
you're lovable.

Oh, honey, you know,

there are a thousand guys
who could love you

if you'd let them --

I mean, me,
for instance.

I'm not a big deal.

I'm not glamorous,
but I'm a man,

and I know how
to love you

and take care of you

and be responsible
for you.

That's more than
you can say for John cleves.

You marry him,
you don't need a baby.

You got one.

Yes, John is like
a boy.

That's why I love him,
and he loves me, too.

What if he doesn't?

How about US?

Well, I'll be
at the commodore.

I've got to go
down into the office

and then see your husband
about some --

he's not my husband yet.

Whatever he is,

I got to see him
about some papers.

You don't know it,
but you got

Rose-colored glass
in these.

[ Gasps ]

Hotel. Hotel...

Commodore.

Ellen. Ellen.

Oh, I'm so glad your back
is so much better.

Oh, Ellen, be fair.
We were locked in.

No radio,
no -- no television,

no newspapers,
no magazines.

What else
could we do?

Tell me about little Johnny
and little Debbie.

I'm sure they are
the only college students

in the country
with their little arms

flung out
over their little heads.

They're very, uh,
precocious.

Oh, Ellen, listen.

You listen.

I don't want 37 rooms
and a wine cellar

and a husband that can't
even resist his own wife.

I guess it's my turn
to say I'm sorry.

Thanks so much
for the use of the tub.

Not to mention --

no, no, please.
Don't mention it. Bye.

Dorothy.

Ellen?

John?

We've had some
wonderful times together,

and I want
to thank you.

My pleasure.

Dorothy!

Dorothy, you can't just
run off like that!

John, you're
devastatingly attractive,

and you could charm
a snake,

but I'm afraid you're
very poor husband material.

At least have dinner
with me sometime.

It's a delicious idea.
Why not?

When I'm in town,

and you're feeling
like fun,call me...

Any Wednesday.

I'd like to leave a message
for Mr. Henderson.

Cass Henderson.

Just tell him
I don't need balloons anymore.

Balloons.

You want balloons?

Thought I gave up,
did you?

I never give up.

Here -- balloons.

♪ One more letter

♪ makes it better

♪ tack a "d" upon the "we"

♪ and you get wed

♪ that spells heaven

♪ how does it sound to you?

♪ Pick your Wednesday

♪ any Wednesday will do

♪ pick your Wednesday

♪ any Wednesday

♪ will do

♪ will do

♪ will do