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Previously on Breaking Bear.
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I'm declaring war on the wolves.
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We are here to talk about the bears.
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They killed a human.
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I know someone who can help you get rid
of it. He's what they call a fixer. This
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is famed Hollywood actor Armie Hammer.
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Let me take that body from you.
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The first rule of the forest is never
kill a human. It puts us all in
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danger. The council has reached a
verdict.
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Hey, Blair, do you have any idea what a
bear looks like at the bottom of a gorge
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after a very long fall?
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Well, let's just say it's grizzly.
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Blair!
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Blair,
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I'm coming for you!
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Wolf, get that fucking teddy bear.
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I wish I knew how to quit you but you
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But we wolves can have up to ten puppies
in a litter, so you chose a worthless
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shield. Mommy?
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Damn. Even as high as I am right now,
that's harsh.
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Hey!
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Really?
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Oh, please. I'm just bluffing. You know
you're my favorite.
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Now, come on. We have to catch that
idiot.
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Wow, okay, so a major head injury can
also serve as an instant reboot. Good to
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know. Wait, is that the old Hooper
Manor?
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Did I frighten you, little guy?
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What, huh?
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Yes, yes, yes. I am Hollywood star,
Armie Hammer, and you can take a selfie
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with me. Come on.
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Let me in, motherfucker!
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You must be Jer's brother, Alistair.
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Wait, you know Jer?
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Of course.
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In fact, he's here. Follow me.
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This party's filled with wealthy people,
so I'm pioneering a new business
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concept. Selling drugs to people with
money.
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Blair and the business community could
learn a lot from me. Blair is dead!
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her screams as she fell to the gorge.
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It sounded similar to that. What's worse
was the sound it made when her body hit
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the ground. And you just left her
sister's body down there to be picked
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apart by hungry wild animals?
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Speaking of hungry, you know, eating
your feelings really does work.
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I had a wolf pointing a gun at me.
Should I have scaled the cliff, thrown
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Blair on my back, and dragged her home?
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That is exactly what I think you should
have done.
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We can't just leave her down there,
discarded like some crusty old just
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stained sock.
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What?
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Sorry to interrupt, but may I suggest
you come to the dinner party? And then
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one of my friends here, who owns a
helicopter, can fly us into that gorge.
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We will recover her body, bring her back
here, and figure out a respectful way to
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handle her remains.
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Army Hammer, everyone has been wrong
about you.
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Let's go join the party, shall we?
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So what is all this dinner party? I'm
not at a cult initiation, am I? Not at
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all. These are all nice, normal friends
of mine. Wow!
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Prince Andrew?
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Pete Titty? Hey, that's Kevin Spacey!
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Uh, bartender, a round of your special
house drinks for my friends?
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Now, Arnie, what's on the menu for
tonight's dinner party, huh?
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As our fixer, what are you fixing?
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It's a surprise!
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Tonight is all about surprises.
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I'd like to propose a toast to my
friends. May we someday find ourselves
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unbanned, uncancelled, and most
importantly, understood.
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Mmm.
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Jer, this is like a living museum of the
world's worst predators. I can't hear
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you over the sound of my pastebud
singing.
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This... Drink is yum-yum in the tum-tum.
Alistair, try it. You're missing out.
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I'm going to have to find out the
bartender's secret. I'm only down one,
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and I'm already feeling fine.
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Hey, bartender, what do you call these
special drinks you made for my friends?
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You are all no doubt aware of the
popular white trash cocktail Sex on the
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Beach and the Zombie. I give you Sex
with a Zombie.
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Oh, Bill, you have such a rapier wit.
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Wait, Bill Cosby?
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I'm afraid I ran out of maraschino
cherries, so I'll garnish it with some
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rojimo.
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Let me go.
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Let me go!
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You have been chosen!
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Your purpose in this universe has been
left unfulfilled, Blair. That is why I
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am here to grant you a second life.
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Second life?
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The first one was awful enough.
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Who are you?
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I have many names.
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Sasquatch, Yeti, Bigfoot. I prefer being
called Howard, though.
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This is Corny, my unicorn.
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I'm tasked with rejoining your soul to
your body. Your family needs you.
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My family?
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Huh. So I return to life so I can spend
the rest of it worrying and taking care
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of them like before?
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Kill me now.
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Oh. Oh, wait. I am dead.
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Dead and loving it.
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If you follow that beam of light, all of
Daniel Boone's state forest will be
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destroyed. Because you, and you alone,
have been chosen to save it. I'm trying
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to stop being so codependent and helping
everybody.
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And now you're saying I have to save the
whole fucking forest?
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I know you read bear codependent no
more, but the forest needs you to be
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codependent just a little bit more.
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Ugh, fine.
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Don't make me regret this.
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Ah!
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Regret! Regret, regret!
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I can feel everything!
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Ooh! My bad.
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I always forget to warn about that.
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Oh, the goddamn pig!
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I changed my mind. Kill me now.
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I can help with the pain.
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If you'll open your mouth, please. Okay.
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What the hell?
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Unicorn urine is the most healing
medicine in the world.
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Do you think they make them?
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Behold, the Wisdom Stone.
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Fun fact, it's actually a magical giant
kidney stone, but we don't tell anyone
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that. This stone contains the wisdom of
every being who has ever existed on
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Earth. That stone's pretty small.
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This explains a lot.
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If you are wearing this pendant, the
stone will allow access to its wisdom if
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you take hold of it and proclaim the
name of a wise master whom you wish to
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summon. To help you in your quest.
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I choose the person? Anyone from
history.
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Socrates, King Solomon, Buddha, Oprah.
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Wait, what?
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Just kidding, girl. I just threw that in
there to see if you were listening.
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Simply say the words.
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Sage, engage.
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I seek the wisdom of all age.
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Wisdom stone, bring me the wise one
called... And then the name of the
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master you want. Okay, got it.
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Sage, engage.
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00:11:22,100 --> 00:11:24,680
I seek the wisdom of all age.
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Wisdom stone, bring me the wise one
called... Pablo Escobar!
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Ruthie will keep him out for hours. Or
my name ain't Dr. Huxable.
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All right, Jer, where should we start,
huh? Some brisket for appetizers, or do
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we go directly for the prime rib?
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00:12:02,870 --> 00:12:06,150
Babs! R. Kelly is here, but he can't
stay long.
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He's headed to prison.
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Hey, at least he's already comfortable
going to the bathroom in front of
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others.
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Martha Stewart told me that is the
hardest part.
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Let's go bid him adieu. I'll be back.
Just hang on.
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Hang on.
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I'm so funny.
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Jer, wake up.
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We're going to die.
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I should have done a swan dive off the
cliff and joined Blair.
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Oh, you're up.
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Cosby's doses usually keep you out for
hours.
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What? Who are you? I'm Army's prisoner,
just like you. So weird. The cos doesn't
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usually fuck up with his roofie dosing.
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How are you awake?
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Maybe it's something to do with
hibernation, or it could be the shitload
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of meth I did earlier. I do meth, by the
way. You wouldn't happen to have any,
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would you? No.
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Figures. What are they going to do to
us? You're going to die tonight. Then be
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eaten by a bunch of shitty people as
they whine and dine. And the whine in
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whine and dine is spelled W-H-I-N-E,
since they won't stop complaining about
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being held responsible for their
actions.
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I don't want to get deep fried and
served with dipping sauces.
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Can you reach that pile of bones?
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Hey, Tawny. How's it going?
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Hey, I have some good news and some bad
news. Bad news?
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You're gonna die.
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But the good news?
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You won't be dying at the hands of just
anyone.
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You will be savagely killed by a true
titan of the entertainment world.
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Woo!
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Tawny, meet comedian Pete Davidson.
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What? You didn't think he gets all that
top-shelf pussy just because he loves
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his mom, did you?
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I would just like to go on record and
say that I am not into underage girls or
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dead people or forcing myself on anyone.
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I'm just here because I have a
freakishly big dick, and it turns out
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the people into all that sick stuff are
refreshingly nonjudgmental. So, uh...
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Of all the wise masters, you chose Pablo
Escobar.
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I guess you should tell him what wisdom
you seek from him.
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Wise Master Pablo, share with me the
wisdom of how I can become the biggest
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drug lord of all time.
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Would you like to hear my wisdom in
song?
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00:14:22,930 --> 00:14:27,210
No. Are you sure? I've been working with
Adele's voice teacher.
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Fine.
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Blair, it's all about love.
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Whether you're a painter or a chef or
the most infamous drug dealer on the
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planet, love has to fuel what you do.
Understand?
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Yes, Pablo.
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And one more thing. You must form an
alliance with the wolf queen to save the
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forest. Oh, hell no. She just tried to
kill me. Listen to me. You need the
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wolves. Fuck, no, I'm not... You no
little bitch questions, Pablo Escobar. I
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say it's about love until you love the
fucking wolves, motherfucker.
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Understand? Promise, Pablo?
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I promise you.
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Oh, and one last thing. If you have a
dream, don't wait to make it come true.
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I was going to reinvent myself by
recording a country album, and then
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Beyoncé fucking beat me to it.
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Adios, mi amor.
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Oh, nice puppetry skill.
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I hung up like that. Did I fall asleep
during some kinky sex with Tawny?
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00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:43,260
She's going to be so mad I fell asleep
again while Boykin is. Stop talking.
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00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:46,820
You're too heavy. How did you gain
weight during hibernation?
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I'll try that lever.
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00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:53,940
There's only one way out of here. We
have to find a way to blend in.
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I have an idea.
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The entrance is near. We're almost out
of here.
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00:16:01,420 --> 00:16:02,580
What about Tawny?
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If I leave her here and she ends up
dying, I'm almost sure she'll never
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forgive me.
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00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:07,560
Hello, ladies.
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May I interest you in some frozen
pudding on a stick?
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00:16:11,740 --> 00:16:15,880
The brand name of which I cannot mention
due to the legal reasons.
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No, thank you.
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00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:22,800
You ladies look like my nieces. And
coming from a family that has practiced
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inbreeding for centuries, that is the
highest compliment a Windsor can offer.
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00:16:28,900 --> 00:16:32,480
Thank you. As you can see, we are
clearly...
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Female women.
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00:16:34,300 --> 00:16:35,840
I'm definitely not a man. No.
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I'll be right back. Just need to freshen
up my... What do you Brits call it?
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Face. The juju.
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Pretty lady.
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I also have a vagina and dystopian
tubes.
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I'll take that.
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Champagne, you handsome devil? Okay,
sure.
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Come on, girlfriend.
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00:17:01,060 --> 00:17:02,700
Pete. Stop them!
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Joy, Joy! It's me! It's me! It's me! Oh,
dear, dear!
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Ladies and gentlemen, Pete has brought
back our dinner.
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That's Pete Davidson. I can't believe I
didn't recognize him.
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00:17:51,550 --> 00:17:55,510
Come on. If we're going to be murdered
by a celebrity, then we should be
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honored that it's a star as huge as
Pete's penis.
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Even when it's flaccid.
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Flaccid? That's the answer.
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Said no woman ever. No. Don't you see?
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We need to give him a boner. If it gets
hard, he'll drop us.
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00:18:10,070 --> 00:18:11,490
Everyone start stroking.
239
00:18:11,970 --> 00:18:13,890
It's time to turn this mother...
240
00:18:14,140 --> 00:18:15,140
Fuck her on.
241
00:18:16,820 --> 00:18:18,060
It's not working.
242
00:18:18,620 --> 00:18:22,360
Let's try licking it. What? I'm
straight, but this is an emergency.
243
00:18:29,020 --> 00:18:35,400
This is like that time Kim invited her
sisters to join in.
244
00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:43,980
Imagine something horrible!
245
00:18:44,220 --> 00:18:45,860
The ultimate boner killer!
246
00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:47,920
You know, women with standards.
247
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:51,960
Comedians actually having to be funny
and not just famous to get a Netflix
248
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:53,360
special. Ouch.
249
00:18:53,580 --> 00:18:55,980
That last one hit a little too close to
the bone.
250
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:57,320
Literally.
251
00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:04,240
Oh, no! He's going limp! Which means
this big dick's big dick will be able to
252
00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:05,820
grab us and hold us prisoner again!
253
00:19:07,100 --> 00:19:10,560
I'm the director of this skin flick, and
I...
254
00:19:30,990 --> 00:19:32,870
You've done very well, Pete Davidson.
255
00:19:33,250 --> 00:19:34,930
Oriana Grande would be proud.
256
00:19:36,730 --> 00:19:42,510
Roses are red. Before I'm gone, please
transfer my soul into my schlong!
257
00:19:48,290 --> 00:19:49,730
That's not good.
258
00:19:50,090 --> 00:19:52,750
It means someone you love is in serious
trouble.
259
00:19:53,010 --> 00:19:53,809
My brothers?
260
00:19:53,810 --> 00:19:55,750
Again? Corny and I can help.
261
00:19:56,790 --> 00:19:57,790
Hold on to me!
262
00:20:07,500 --> 00:20:11,600
This army has traded in his hammer for a
chainsaw.
263
00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:20,920
Wait
264
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:28,120
for
265
00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:29,120
me!
266
00:20:29,540 --> 00:20:30,540
Wait for me!
267
00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:33,920
Hey, where'd that gimp guy go?
268
00:20:44,580 --> 00:20:48,300
Do you know where they could be? All the
shit happens in Daniel Boone Forest.
269
00:20:48,620 --> 00:20:49,660
Let's go, Corny.
270
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:51,460
You heard him. Let's go, bitch.
271
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:26,640
You're welcome.
272
00:21:28,860 --> 00:21:29,860
Hello.
273
00:21:30,460 --> 00:21:31,840
I'm not going that way.
274
00:21:32,460 --> 00:21:33,460
Hello.
275
00:21:34,460 --> 00:21:36,340
Damn it.
276
00:21:42,980 --> 00:21:48,020
Target locked. You see, you still have
some of my cocktail in your system. But
277
00:21:48,020 --> 00:21:49,560
not my cock in your tail.
278
00:21:49,780 --> 00:21:51,700
Should make this a little easier.
279
00:21:52,900 --> 00:21:54,560
Hold on. The spoon...
280
00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:15,360
wanted things to go back to the way they
were. Do you know what it's like to lose
281
00:22:15,360 --> 00:22:18,700
everything you've worked for your entire
life because of prejudice against
282
00:22:18,700 --> 00:22:24,140
cannibalism? What is wrong with trying
other cuisines? Why can gay people eat
283
00:22:24,140 --> 00:22:28,960
ass, but I eat ass literally, braised
with a Bernays sauce, and everyone hates
284
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:33,880
me. And speaking of Bernays, my dinner
tonight will be bare Bernays.
285
00:22:35,980 --> 00:22:39,040
Is your mask made from your victim's
foreskin?
286
00:22:39,300 --> 00:22:40,540
Let's take it off.
287
00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:07,500
with my family.
288
00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:10,880
My work here is done. I must go.
289
00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:18,920
Thank you, Howard.
290
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:20,460
You can call me Howie.
291
00:23:25,300 --> 00:23:26,580
Wow, Howard.
292
00:23:26,940 --> 00:23:28,600
Who taught you how to kiss?
293
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:32,460
Howard? Wait, did that even really
happen?
294
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:35,620
Blair! How are you not dead?
295
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:39,680
I did die. But then Howie the Sasquatch,
I can call him that, we're friends now,
296
00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:42,920
showed up on his unicorn, Corny, and I
drank some unicorn pee, which totally
297
00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:45,720
healed me. Then there was this magic
kidney stone, and I got to hang out with
298
00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:49,320
Pablo Escobar. But then Howie and I flew
around the forest on Corny, killing all
299
00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:51,500
those asswipes with his horn before they
could have their way with you.
300
00:23:51,940 --> 00:23:52,940
You're welcome.
301
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:53,960
Wow!
302
00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:57,820
I'm just so glad the fall didn't kill
you. Although it clearly killed quite a
303
00:23:57,820 --> 00:23:58,820
few brain cells.
304
00:23:59,740 --> 00:24:03,180
So I'm curious, what does unicorn pee
taste like?
305
00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:06,360
Didn't I kill you already?
306
00:24:06,700 --> 00:24:09,740
Apparently. I'm too fucking badass to
die.
307
00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:12,140
Oh, fudge, I broke a nail.
308
00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:17,840
Wolves? What do we call bear to step
into our territory after being warned
309
00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:19,380
never to do that again?
310
00:24:19,940 --> 00:24:21,060
Rule breakers?
311
00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:23,980
No. Ill-mannered trespassers?
312
00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:25,480
Uh, no.
313
00:24:26,100 --> 00:24:28,740
We call them dinner.
314
00:24:29,700 --> 00:24:31,680
Kill the fucking bears!
315
00:24:34,020 --> 00:24:36,180
Thank you.
316
00:24:36,230 --> 00:24:40,780
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