Original subtitles

[vacuum whirring]

[suction grabs fabric]

[gasping and groaning]

You know, you're only gonna make the Dirt Devil jealous.

[turns off vacuum]

It's more vacuum action than you've gotten lately.

Yeah, well, it's only 'cause you hide all the good attachments.

Oh, look! Your mom's monthly newsletter.

Amazing. My mother's still afraid of call waiting,

but she can put together a monthly mailing with three colors

and a Yiddish word jumble.

Let's see what's on nutsy's mind this month.

"My husband Martin had his yearly colonoscopy.

Don't worry. Clean as a whistle."

The whole thing here about Alice Robinson. Do you know her?

God, I haven't heard that name in years.

You know how every school has

that one girl that all the kids make fun of?

You know, bad at sports, a little overweight

friends with the lunch ladies?

I was that girl.

Ugh. Poor Alice. We did Model U.N. together,

and we were Madagascar,

and Alice had this speech impediment, so she said, "Madagathcar."

The kids just tortured her.

They called her "Mrs. Lazy Face".

Not me. I was always very nice to her,

but, ugh, they were just awful.

- "Hi, my name ith Alith Robinthon." - Grace...

"And I'm the ambathador from Madagathcar."

Grace...

"But you can call me Mrs. Lathy Fathe."

It was pretty funny. "Madagathcar."

"Security counthel."

Heh. She's dead.

Ah, thit.

[theme music playing]

Karen! Finally you're here.

Honey, this had better be important.

I was home reading to my kids.

Oh, can you imagine?

So what's up, snicker poodle?

My one man show, Jack 2001...

has been nominated for...

Are you ready for this? A MAC award.

A MAC Award, a MAC Award, did he say MAC Award? Yes, a MAC Award!

- Oh, my God, a MAC Award? - Can you believe it? A MAC award!

Oh, can you believe it? A MAC award!

Oh, wow. Honey, what the hell's a MAC Award?

Only the most prestigious award

in all of lower Manhattan

non-transgender equity waiver gay cabaret.

Well, Jack, that is fantastic. We should celebrate.

- I know. I wish I had some champagne. - Yeah. Here you go, sweetie.

Fantastic. Now all we need is...

Yeah.

[Karen gasps]

Listen, Karen, since this award means so much to me

and since you had such a big part in the success of Jack 2001,

I would be honored if you came as my escort.

Oh, honey, that is so sweet. No.

- Why? - No reason.

Listen, why don't you take those twins you've been dating?

Mmm. We broke up.

They were seeing somebody else.

Besides, there might be press there,

and I don't want to be typecast as gay.

My sessuality is my business.

Honey, the award is for gay cabaret.

Yeah. Still, you want to keep 'em guessing, you know.

This is so tight.

Now I know why Evita was such a bitch.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Farrah Fawcett-Majors, I've got it!

The truly cool people never show up at the awards show at all.

They just send a videotaped acceptance speech

from some exotic location where they're making their next movie.

That's what I'll do! Yeah.

But where am I gonna get a video camera?

Here you go, honey.

[both scream]

- What the hell are you doing? - I'm trying to wake you up.

With what, your breath?

No, no. You know how I told you about Alice Robinson

and her nickname "Mrs. Lazy Face"?

- You gave her that nickname? - How did you know?

I didn't. I'm just trying to move things along.

How did it happen?

Well...

You know how I'm really good at improv?

Go on...

It was the biggest event of the year--

the school's stand-up comedy contest.

Where did you go to school, Don Rickles Junior High?

Anyway, this was my big chance to get in with the cool kids.

So, I'm on stage, and then, all of a sudden, this kid yells,

"Do Alice!"

And I knew she wasn't there, so...

[sighs] I went...

"Hi, my name is Alith Robinthson

but you can call me Mrs. Lathy Face."

The crowd went wild.

I mean, I killed.

I mean, I totally killed.

Wow, that is so wrong.

They really thought you were funny?

Will, I never said I'm sorry, and now it's too late.

Which is why I'm gonna go to Schenectady

to her funeral tomorrow

and apologize to her dead body. Wanna come?

Well, gee, that certainly sounds like a good time.

Please, please, please, Will...

- Grace, get real! - Come on, come on...

There is no way that Alice was still carrying that around.

You know, kids get teased, and they get over it.

You're probably right.

I mean, you got over the kids calling you "Harry Ass Truman".

Wake me at 6:00.

And... Action!

See it, settle...

sell it...

Hi. I'm Jack McFarland.

I'd love to be at the MAC Awards this evening,

but I can't. You see, I'm on the set of my new movie...

Karen, maybe this was a bad idea.

This doesn't even look like a movie set.

Honey, come on. Just say what I told you.

Fine. I'm on the set of my new movie

"Poorly Decorated Crackhouse."

Oh... Directing is fun.

OK. Keep going. Keep going.

I'd like to congratulate the other nominees.

After all the...

You know what, Karen? This just isn't working for me.

Just doesn't feel right. I wanna show them I'm sincere,

but I haven't gotten that far yet in my acting class.

We're still on "Learning how to Listen",

which I don't know how to do,

so I just open my eyes really wide and nod.

Well, I'm going next-door to get the champagne.

I wish I'd brought something stronger, but I left it in my other coat.

[phone rings]

Hi. It's Jack. I'm out... since 1985. Kisses!

[machine beeps]

Hey, Jack, it's Ted from the MAC Awards.

Listen, bad news. There's been a horrible mix-up.

Unfortunately, Jack 2001 was not nominated.

It's just that there were so many gay cabaret acts

with the word "Jack" in them,

we got confused. Anyway, our bad.

Don't be crushed. Hey, let's get a juice sometime. Esca-lator!

[machine beeps]

Welcome. I am so sorry for your loss.

Thank you. I actually knew Alice years ago.

There's so many things I wish I had the chance to say to her.

Well, I'm sure she knew how you felt about her.

Let's hope not.

[organ music playing]

Oh, my God, there's Gabe.

Well, hello, Gabe.

I remember at school everyone used to say that Alice's best feature

was her older brother Gabe. Oh, gosh, he looks so sad.

Sad... Oh, my God!

He's wearing Prada shoes. He's gay. This is great!

And sad. Very, very sad.

Will, straight men wear Prada.

Not in Schenectady.

I have to go do this now, Mr. Sensitive.

Hi, Alice. It's me, Grace Adler...

- Hi. - Hi.

God, you know, my grandmother would be so touched

if she saw how many people came out today.

I am Alice Robinson.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, Grace...

Come on. Let's get out of here.

Wait. Aren't you going to apologize to Alice?

- I'll catch her at the next reunion. - I don't believe you!

Will, I am not going to apologize to her now.

She's alive. It could be really awkward.

I can't... What... Grace! What happened to making amends?

You owe this not only to Alice,

but to yourself to do the right thing.

Wow, I didn't... realize you felt so strongly.

Well, I do. I'm not gonna let you neglect this... Hi.

...profound moral responsibility.

You're unbelievable.

You just want me to stay so you could cruise.

Give me a break. Come on, he's my type!

He's dark and brooding and miserable...

Everyone is. It's a funeral!

Yeah. Go apologize. He's coming back. Come on.

- Hi. - Hi. I'm Gabe.

I'm Will. I'm so sorry about your grandmother.

Yeah, it was quite a shock. Well, not really that big of a shock.

She was 94 and had a really negative outlook.

- I'm sorry. - Oh. Hey, it's gonna be OK.

- You're gonna be OK. - [sobbing]

We'll get through this together.

Hi, Alice? It's me, Grace Adler.

You probably don't even remember me.

We went to Hawthorne Junior High School together

a million years ago.

Go Cougars.

[makes growl sound; laughing]

Um...

Anyway, you probably already knew this, but...

I was the one who started the whole "Mrs. Lazy Face" thing

and... I'm sorry.

Wow. I feel better.

You bitch!

- Excuse me? - That nickname followed me...

through high school, through college, even Harvard Med!

Just last week, I had to tell my fiancé to knock it off.

- But I did... - For 20 years...

I have been afraid to talk because of my lisp.

I've never even seen a single movie with Susan Sarandon or Sissy Spacek.

But through it all, I knew that someday

I'd be able to look you in the eye

and say very clearly, you suck!

Well, on the bright side, she probably never had to see anything

with Sylvester Stallone.

- Honey, I have... - Karen, goody, you're back.

I finally figured out my character.

It's a guy who's happy

because he won an award.

It just came to me. It so works. Let's roll it.

Jack, you need a vacation.

Come on. when was the last time you and I took off

to Bermuda on the sperm of the moment?

Let's go!

Karen, come on. Let's roll it.

I know, but, honey, I just feel like there's a lot of things we could be doing

- besides making a stupid video... - Karen!

We are doing this.

Now, don't make me get all Whitney on your ass. OK?

I'm in my zone. Let's roll it.

All right...

- [claps hands] - OK.

And... action.

Hi. I'm Jack McFarland. You know, sometimes I ask myself

why am I in this crazy business of show, anyway?

Do I do it for the money? Do I do it for the glory?

Do I do it for the himbos who wait at my dressing room door?

No, no... And yes.

But more than anything else, I do it for love,

because this is what I love to do.

Oh, my God, Karen.

I just realized something.

This is the biggest thing that's ever happened to me.

Forget the video camera. I'm going to the MAC Awards.

Honey, you didn't get nominated.

What?

Somebody called from the MAC Awards.

Ted... Homosexual.

He said that there was some kind of a mix-up,

and you didn't even get nominated.

[scoffs]

It's OK. It's just a stupid award, anyway.

I'm sorry, Jackie.

Can you shut the camera off?

I just kind of want to be alone right now.

Now, I would like to call up anyone who would like to share a few words.

All right, I got to get out of here. You have exactly ten minutes...

to make your move on this guy. That'll give me enough time

to get over to my mother's,

have her tell me I look awful in black, and get back here.

Oh, yes. You, dear, please.

You said you wanted to say something.

What... No, no. That was when I thought she was dead.

No, no. Come on.

I think you should come down and say something. I insist.

Well... Where to begin.

Alice Robinson was...

So, here's to you, Mrs. Robinson.

Jesus loves you more than you will know.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

And now, Alice has...

crossed that bridge over troubled water...

And is hopefully feeling groovy...

- No longer homeward bound... - Stop it!

Sorry. OK, um...

Alice... Alice was...

Alice was... She was...

She was very forgiving.

She was not the kind of person who would hold a grudge

over some childish... nickname.

We all had those, right?

I had plenty... Like "Gross" Adler.

- And... Gosh, what was that other one? - Flatsy Patsy.

- Right. Thank you. - Bigfoot.

- OK. - Mop Top, Scarlet Pimple.

Stop it.

My point being that I... I know what it feels like

to be made fun of, and I know it's not a good feeling.

So, if Alice was here today,

all I'd really want to say to her is...

I'm sorry if I ever hurt her

and wherever she is, I hope she'll forgive me.

This day is hard for all of us.

Yes, it is. Is Gabe seeing anyone?

[Karen] Honey, come on.

Now, I know not winning that award was a big disappointment,

but believe me, in my eyes, you're a winner.

Yeah. There's no better mo out there.

I don't care what you think. I don't care what anybody thinks.

Without a MAC Award, I'm nothing!

[Karen sighs] Okay...

I thought you might be feeling this way.

So, I racked my rack, and then it came to me.

I'll get him a cute boy to ease his pain.

- Mm? - But then I thought "No..."

Mm.

"Jackie's not that shallow." And then I thought...

"Hey, diamonds are a girl's best friend.

- I'll get him jewelry!" - Mm?

- But then I thought "No..." - Mm.

"Jackie's a lot more complicated than that."

And then it hit me. "Nothing takes the sting out of failure

like a big, fat check.

- I'll give him money." - Mm?

- But then I thought "No..." - Mm.

"My Jackie can't be bought.

He's an artist.

He has brought joy to fives of tens of people

with his cabaret act.

That's what's really important to him."

[scoffs] I guess you're right.

I fooled you! Ha ha ha!

Check it out, Jackie. The dude, the diamonds, and the dough.

[Jack] Yeah!

Honey, you're simple, you're shallow,

and you're a common whore.

That's why we're soul mates.

Oh, Karen. You're my best friend in the whole world.

Ah!

- Thanks for coming, Will. - Oh, no problem.

Listen, I hope this isn't forward or inappropriate,

but, you know, I thought we sort of made a connection before,

you know, and we had that great hug, and... Can I call you sometime?

Are you hitting on me at my grandmother's funeral?

- Well, I just... - Have you no shame?

I'm embarrassed for you.

- Let's keep our voices down. - He's hitting on me.

Anyway, I really appreciate what you said today.

It took a lot of guts to come here and say that.

Well, thank you for understanding.

I teach a speech therapy class in the city a couple days a week

and, you know, maybe we could get together and have a drink sometime.

I would really love that.

Hey, you know, in fact, some of my students are here today.

- Would you like to meet them? - Sure.

OK.

Be careful, that coffee's very hot.

Oh, hot, hot!

Grace Adler, this is Cindy,

this is Jason, and this is Sarah.

Hi, Thindy. Hi, Jathon. Hi, Tharah.

You bitch!