All language subtitles for Will & Grace (1998) - S03E11 - Coffee and Commitment 1080p WEBDL h264 AAC 2.0

[knock on door]

[knock on door]

Hang on.

Hang on.

Will, when you came
out of the closet,

you weren't supposed
to take all your
clothes with you.

[forced chuckle]

Help me!

What, are you dressed
for open heart surgery?

Admit it. If you were straight,
you'd be all over me.

Grace, if I was straight,

you'd be getting
the dry cleaning.

So your uh,
total comes to 41 bucks.

-Oh, thanks.
I'll get you next time.
-You said that last time.

But I didn't mean it last time.
I mean it this time.

Funny, I believed
you last time,

and I don't
believe you this time.

Oh. Okay, we're supposed
to meet Joe and Larry

in 15 minutes.
We should boogie.

-Don't dance.
-Don't say boogie.

Can you believe it?

They're getting married
in four days.

-I love weddings.
-It's not strictly a wedding.

It's a same-sex civil union,

which affords many of
the same rights as a marriage.

Right. Where are they going
on their honeymoon?

Well, it's not
strictly a honeymoon.

It's a same-sex vacation

with a lot of the same
events as a honeymoon.

Hey, friends, lovers, mothers,
and other strangers.

You're never gonna believe
what happened to me.

Oh, my God,
did you see that?

I almost did a half-nelson.
I almost bruised my delicate,

my delicates,
my domo arigatos,Mr. Tomahtos.

Huge news!

I have met... are you ready
for this... Mr. Right.

Well, Mr. Right now, anyway.

Ba-dump-bump.
Good night, folks.

I'm here all week.
Jack 2000!

He works over at
the Jumpin' Java,

you know
that coffee shop on 72nd,

and his name his Paul,
and he is cute with
a capital Q!

And the busier it gets,
the hotter he gets,

and the hotter he gets,
the sweatier he gets,

and the sweatier he gets--
I forgot where
I'm goin' with this,

but the point is,

me likey he, and he likey me,
and the best part is shazam!

He gives me free iced coffee
every time I go in,

which is every hour on the hour,
thank you very much,

and occasionally
on the half hour.
Ba-da-da-da-da-da!

[theme music playing]

So I know we've
shown you a thousand pictures,

of our baby,
but how cute is Hannah

with a pacifier
in her mouth?

Oh, wow.

I actually took
a similar photo
of Jack.

But the photo place
wouldn't develop it.

Will, switch
with me.

We got
the same dessert.

I know, but it's our thing.
We always switch
halfway through.

But you're
all the way through.

Just switch.

You guys
are so cute together.

[chuckles]

Are we?

[laughs]
Yeah. Very.

He's freaking out
a little.

In four days, he's not
allowed to look at
another man.

Listen, we wanted
to ask you guys

if you'd consider
doing a reading together
at our ceremony.

Oh, my God!

Oh, I got
the perfect thing.

We did this bit at
my parents' 40th anniversary

with puppets
and a boom box.

See, they were
puppets who rapped.

It killed.
You remember, it killed.

But a reading's good.

Well, we want to
include everyone,

and all our closest
friends and family
are doing one.

-Even your bitter sister.
-Larry.

Well, of course
we'll do it.

We'd love to.

Yo, yo, yo,
this anniversary's phat.

Remember?

I tell you,
it... it...

Well, whatever you want.
Do whatever you want.

Uh-uh. Our treat.

-Grace.
-No, come on.

Come on,
let us do this.

Really. I mean,
this is a special occasion.

If we can't take
our dear friends

out for dinner--
Really, it would mean
so much to us.

Thank you, guys.

Our pleasure.
Put it on your Visa.

My Visa?

Yeah, we can
use the miles.

Oh, and I'm
taking some cash
for the coats.

I didn't get
to the ATM.

Oh, and leave a big tip.
He was really sweet.

He was the only guy
at this table who
looked at my chest.

Hey, Jackie Brown.

Why isn't there
any coffee?

The same reason you don't
have a wife and three kids.

It's the way
God wants it.

Damn it,
this is an office,
there should be coffee!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Why don't you save your anger
for the bedroom

where it belongs?

Why don't you go see
your little coffee cutie, huh?

Your latte lover.

Mr. Jock Full O' Nuts.

He quit, all right?

What is this,
the freakin' Inquisition?

Can't a guy have a nice,
hot cup of coffee when he wants,

or do we all live in Tea Land
where it's a capital crime

to even say
the word coffee?

Okay, jitterbug,
get a hold of yourself.

Don't tell me
to get a hold of myself.

Fine.

Okay, you may wanna
take a look in the mirror,

'cause you've got
a little crazy on your face.

Okay?

Karen, what's
happening to me?

I'm no expert,

but I think you have
a little addiction problem.

No tears on the damask.

Addiction?

No, no,
I don't have an addiction.

Thank you very much.

Okay, okay,
okay, okay.

Okay, okay,
it's over.

Now listen to me.

The first thing you
have to do is admit
that you have a problem.

'Cause if you can't even
recognize the signs,

then you are really
in sorry shape.

Ah! Mmm. Why you
so good to me?

Karen, I can't do it.

I'm hooked on the junk.

Well, honey,
if it'll help you,

I'll do it
with you, okay?

I'll kick coffee, too.
Yeah.

It won't be easy,
but every morning,

when I wake up,
I'll just have
to get used

to drinking
my Bailey's straight.

It'll still be
the best part
of waking up.

Okay, Karen.

Together,
we can do this.

-Let me just have
one last cup.
-No.

-Half a cup.
-No.

-How about you drink a cup,
and I'll lick your tongue?
-Tempting, but no.

Come here.
Right there.

Oh, Karen,

when will the lambs
stop screaming?

Hey!

Oh, is this our gift
for Joe and Larry?

-It's agift, yes.
-What is it?

It's a crystal decanter.

But I couldn't find
any paper,

so I wrapped it
in a kayak.

It's a kayak.

That is so perfect!

Okay, where's the card?
I'll sign it.

I already signed
the card.

Oh, you didn't
sign for me, did you?

Your handwriting has
a serial-killer slant.

I didn't sign
your name at all, Grace,

because it's from me.

I don't get it.

I'm tired of being
the one who pays.

What?

You always assume
I'm gonna take care
of everything,

and then you
take all the credit.

Not to mention
the advantage miles.

Blowing 20,000 points
on a first class to Schenectady?

What is that anyway?

You sit on
the pilot's lap?

Gee, sorry.

I thought you liked paying.

Oh, that's right.

I do like paying.

Yeah, that's why
I do the can-can

every time I read
the gas bill.

Okay.
You've made your point.

How much was the kayak?
I'll write you a check for half.

-$400.
-Can I write you
a check for a third?

See, this is what
I'm talking about.

And it's
not just the kayak.

It's the dinners
and the dry cleaning,

and on more than one occasion,
your bikini wax.

Fun time explaining
that one to my accountant.

I cannot believe you are
springing this on me
an hour before we have to go.

How am I supposed
to find a gift?

It's your own fault for
assuming that I would
take care of everything.

By the way,
you only have five minutes.

Fine. You know what,
I'm resourceful.

-I'll make a gift.
-You'll what?

Yes, that's right.

You've left me absolutely
no time,

but I once threw together
a dinner party for eight

with nothing in the fridge
but mustard and a roll of film.

Yeah, and all we have
to remember that evening

is double prints
and eight angry people

getting sick
eating mustard soup.

Never mind.

I'll take care of
my own gift,

and it will be
totally separate from yours.

In fact, why stop at the gift?
Why don't we make

-everything separate?
-Why not?

That pint of mocha
almond fudge,

you still have it?

The what?

Hello, dark roast,
my old friend.

Drop that spoon,
Billie Holiday!

I've kept you caffeine free
for two hours.

You're not folding now.

Get away from me,

you lamé and ermine-wearing
monster!

I'll drop it, I swear.

No, you won't.
You don't have the guts.

You know me too well.

Out of my way!
I got a monkey on my back
named Juan Valdez!

Don't worry, kids.
On the ride up to Vermont,

I'll have him in
a dog carrier with a chew toy.

By the way,
what's going on here?

-I'm sensing a mood.
-Oh, he thinks
I'm taking advantage--

Yeah, save it, honey.
We'll crack it open later
when we're desperate.

It's so cold.

So very, very cold.

It is kinda nippy in here.

Hey, Pops, why don't you
crank up the heat?

The girls are in
full salute back here.

It's up as high
as it will go.

God, if it was any hotter,
my calves will be brisket.

Jack never has
a second cup at home.

Somebody, fill me
to the rim with Brim.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

How much for one, sir?

Oh, Grace, take it.

No, no, we agreed
to split everything,

so that's what
we're gonna do.

-These are your mints,
so tell me--
-Fine. $100.

Okay.

-[thumping sound]
-Hey, careful!

You almost broke my present
for Joe and Larry.

Where did you get that anyway,
the Blair Witch gift shop?

It's an imprint of
my hand in cement,

surrounded by
a nest of twigs.

I made it
when I was 12
at Camp Ramah.

It's real,
it's unique,

and it's from the heart.

Oh, can I see that,
honey?

Mm-hm.

-Mmm, thanks.
-Karen!

[laughs]

No!

What, you think
my gift is funny?

I think it's funny
you call it a gift.

We're here at New York's
finest restaurant,

and we've replaced
Jack's coffee with nothing!

Oh, look at that.

Two miles to
the next toll.

That means I owe you
one dollar and 62 cents.

Okay. Well, look, well, hey,
if we're gonna do that,

let's go all the way.

Uh, I got a full tank of gas,
you used three of my Kleenexes,

and two applications
of my Carmex.

That means you owe
me roughly $22.57.

Do you take a check,
or should I pay you
in pettiness,

Mr. Petty.
Tom Petty.

Petticoat Petty.
Peppermint Petty.

Bite me.

Oh, just climb on top
of each other,

and get it over
with already!

Honey, look,
what is that?

Oh, it's a beaver.
Sweet.

Didn't think we'd be seeing
any of those at a gay wedding.

How you holding up, sweetie?

Pretty good, pretty good.
I think the last couple of hours

in the car really got
me over the hump.

-Good for you.
-Thanks.

Hey, bow tie.

Bring me a cup of vodka.

And none of that
tax-free swill.
I want the good stuff.

Uh, ma'am,
there is no alcohol.

-Sure, there is.
-Uh, no, there isn't.

This is a dry wedding,
at the grooms' request.

But there is a full
coffee bar,

with a variety of
coffee drinks

and coffee-flavored treats.
Enjoy.

Would you look at this?

What a shame.

A table full of
hollow gestures.

I mean, why would Joe and Larry
want a $400 place setting

-of Italian dinnerware?
-[snickers] Yeah.

Oh, my God.
That's genius.

A gag gift.
They're gonna
totally crack up.

-What did you really get 'em?
-A $400 kayak.

Put my name on that card
or I'll kick your ass.

No. You have
your gift.

I can't give 'em
this stupid twig plate.

It smells like
mouse poop.

[plate shatters]

Damn it, Will--
Hi!

How are you?
You look so good.
We're so happy for you!

How's the blushing bride?

Oh, pretty good, you know,
considering we don't know

which one of us
is the bride.

Hey, everyone,
how are you?

Hi. Hey, did you
give them the thing?

It s right here uh--

Because we have to be
out of here by 11:00 on the dot,

and it's getting late,
and if we don't start soon--

Larry, baby, just breathe.

It's our day.

You're right,
I'm sorry.

I'm telling you,
if I didn't have this one.

Do you still
wanna marry me?

Over and over and over.

He's definitely
the bride.

Um, here's the reading.

It's pretty
self-explanatory,

but you might wanna go over it
before we start,

which is now.

Okay, that's what
nervous feels like.

Come on, Grace,
we better get us...

-Grace!
-Come on,
what's the big deal?

Well, for one thing,
I don't think

that Joel and Shirley Goodman
are gonna be so keen

on having your name
on their card.

Second of all,
I said no.

Why are you being
such a freak about this?

-I already told you.
-And I told you
that I would pay.

-Tough.
-Why?

-Because.
-Why?

Because I don't want a wife!

What are you talking about?

Wife?

And don't you walk away
from me when I'm talking to you!

Honey, we gotta
bust outta here.

Maybe I can get Stan
to land the heli

by the gazebo
and airlift us
to the Dewar's plant.

Karen, we have to at least
stay for the ceremony.

The hell we do.
I'm gonna kill Rosario.

The one morning she forgets
to strap on my boot flask.

Would you take it easy?

Don't tell me
to take it easy.

I'm looking at a room
full of outlet clothing
and Fantastic Sam's haircuts!

[gasps] I can't breathe,
I tell ya, I can't breathe.

Would you get
a hold of yourself?

Ugh.

Would either of you care
for a cup of coffee?

-Yes!
-No!

I'm your wife?

That is possibly
the most vicious thing

you have ever
said to me.

And I'm including the time
I got a root perm,

and you called me
"pubic head".

Get a grip on yourself!

You get a grip
on yourself!

Whooh! Hah!

Ugh!

Look, the only way
we're gonna get through this

is if we support each other,
all right?

Maybe you're right.
I guess we can get
our mind off of things

-by touching each other
inappropriately.
-Good idea.

You may as well
be my wife.

What?

Marcus Welby's my wife?

No.

You might as well
be my wife, deaf-o.

I can't hear anything
over that verkakteharp.

What a wonderful day,
and what a wonderful couple.

It's always
Will and Grace.

Will and Grace
buy the present,

Will and Grace
do the speech.

We cordially invite
Will and Grace.

Why don't they ever
say "Will and guest"?

Who did you
want to bring?

I don't know.

One of the Gap dancers,
Aquaman. Anyone.

Well, who's stopping you?

You are.
Because you're so content

to play Mrs. Will Truman.

I want a husband.

I want someone
who loves me,
and a family.

I want this, not this.

I do not know where
you got the idea

that I am your wife,
but let me tell
you something.

If that's true,
we've got big
marital problems,

'cause Mrs. Truman's
getting a lot of
action on the side.

And now, I'd like to call upon
your friends here

who have some words
they'd like to share with you.

Jack?

Hi. I'm Jack, and I'm
addicted to full-flavored
iced coffee drinks.

Whew! It does feel better
to get it out.

No, Zippy,
read your thing.

Joe, Larry, I did
a little rewriting.

I hope you don't mind.

[clears throat]
Joe, Larry, what's love...

s-got to do,

s-got to do with it?

What's love--

Thank you.

And now we'll hear
from Joe's sister, Jane.

I'm so happy
for my brother.

Everyone thought I'd be
the first to find a man.

But no, that didn't happen.

But he has found true...

[cries]

Just give me a second.

I don't need
to explain this to you.

I just know
this is not working.

Okay, got it.
You made yourself
passive-aggressively clear.

Call the lawyers,
we're getting a divorce.

-Which I'm sure
I'll pay for.
-Let it go!

Guys.

Oh.

[clears throat]

"When I'm feeling like
there's no love coming to me..."

"And I have
no love to give..."

"When I'm feeling
separated from the world..."

"And cut off
from myself..."

"When I'm feeling
annoyed by every
little thing..."

"Because I'm not
getting what I want,

I'll remember that there is
an infinite amount of love

available to me."

"And I'll see it
in you."

"I'll remember that
I'm complete within
myself..."

"So I'll never
have to look to you
to complete me."

[both] "And most of all,

I'll remember that everything
I really need I already have,

and whatever I don't have

will come to me when
I'm ready to receive it."

Oh, my God,
I am so sorry.

Me, too.

I love you.
You know that, right?

Right, right.

Don't you?

-I do.
-Hmm.

And you know
I love you, right?

I do.

Thanks for coming.

Guys, guys, guys!

Guys! We're not really
done here.

Oh, they're beautiful.
Thank you, Maggie.

What do you think
of the cake?

Are you kidding?

It's got nine
layers of chocolate,

and a Snickers bar
in the middle.

I may move into it.

Hmm.

So are we...

Yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry, it's just...

Chalk it up to
my pre-midlife crisis.

Does that mean
another one's on the way,

and is it gonna be worse?

I guess weddings just
bring out the worst in me.

I mean, I see them
so happy and in love,

and it just
makes me bitter.

Is that an awful
thing to say?

I wouldn't put it
in your toast later.

Ah.

You know that someday,

you are gonna make
someone a beautiful bride.

Or husband.

Or brusband. Whatever.

Promise you'll give me away?

Gladly.

"To Joe and Larry,
love, Will and Grace."

-Thank you.
-I knew you'd love it!

I mean,
he's my younger brother.

I should be the one
wearing white today.

Or at the very least,
deodorant.

Guess what?
Rule number one at a wedding;

Find the sad sister,
you've found the booze.

I myself am proud to say

that I'm not
going to indulge.

You know, I think I finally
kicked my coffee habit.

Really?

Yeah, I mean,
I got hooked on the stuff
because of some guy.

Now I know.

I'm not gonna let
any man lead me down
that dirty road again.

Excuse me.
Do you have a light?

Yes, I do.

Thanks.
You smoke?

Yes, I do.