All language subtitles for Will & Grace (1998) - S02E23 - Ben! Her! (1) 1080p WEBDL h264 AAC 2.0

[instrumental music]

Look at that,
I'm five for five!

- What's that?
- It's this test.

The five pillars of happiness.

It's supposed
to determine the-- the level

of contentment in your life.

And it comes with
a lotion sample,

so you know it's scientific.

I can't believe you would
evaluate your life

based on something
in the lifestyle section.

Okay, that was obligatory.
Bring it on.

Okay, the first
pillar is health.

I gave myself a big yes,
'cause I just had my physical.

Everything's where
it's supposed to be.

I'm running every day
and, ah,

look at those calves.

It's like my knees
swallowed a grapefruit.

Your turn.

I think I'm hypoglycemic.

I'm always tired
and I can't poop.

I would give that a no.

Okay, pillar number two
is family.

That's a big yes.
You?

Well, let's see,
my mother's idea

of bonding is making me
scratch her back.

And for my last birthday,
my father gave me gum.

That's another no for Grace.

Moving on, love life.

- Another no for Grace.
- Excuse me!

[chuckles]
No.

You can mark that yes.
Thank you.

Josh and I are doing great.

I mean, it's not perfect,

but we care about
each other very much.

Grace?

Hey, what are you doin'?

You left an hour ago
to get bagels.

Here.
Toast 'em up.

- I'll be back in 15.
- Okay, hon.

Uh, your laundry is almost done.

[door shuts]

Well, you get a no
on love life too.

Actually, I haven't
told you this yet,

but there's this lawyer, Alex.

We've only had one date,
but, uh, I'm already seeing

two-point-five
Jack Russell Terriers

and his-and-his SUVs
in my future.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

- Next.
- Okay.

Pillar number four,
friendships.

- Okay, now we're talking!
- Oh, no, no, no.

Note the S, friendships.

They're talking more
than just you and me.

This test sucks.

And the final pillar is work.
I love my job.

I work with a lush
who insults me.

Okay, final tally is...

Will [happy sitcom music]
♪ Dee-de-de-lee-dee-dee ♪

Grace [sad sitcom music]
♪ Waa-waa-waa ♪

You are not that happy.

I've known you a very long time.

There's always something
bugging you.

Come on, think hard.

- What is rotten in your life?
- Will: I don't know.

I mean, my life is... okay,
actually, there is something.

I don't like how you've
stopped having lunch

with me at my office.

Well, you know why that is.
I hate the view.

Really? I thought it was
because you hated Ben.

That's what I meant,
the view of Ben.

Okay, I'll tell you what,
we'll have him over,

I'll make dinner, and all
you have to make is nice.

Think you can do that?

- I can make nice.
- Will: Huh.

I'm always nice.

Sweetie, the bagels are ready.

Call me when they're
cream-cheesed.

- Love you.
- Uh-huh.

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Jack: Hey, Kar Bear.

Hey.

Something's bothering me.

Can we talk?

Sure, honey.

Hey, are you wearing makeup?

Nothing really.
Just a little man-tan.

- Your eyelashes look good, too.
- Thanks.

- I'm wearing individuals.
- Ah.

I'm concerned, um...

Does Rosario seem
different to you?

Come to think of it,

she sent me to work today
with a juice box.

I guess that means,
Mason went to school

with a thermos full of Stoli.

She's distant,
she's distracted.

She's gettin' a little handsy
in her sleep.

Last night, she rolled over
and shook hands

with Master Harold and the boys.

And let me tell you,
they were not amused.

I know, honey, but listen.

It's been my experience
that when problems arise

between husband and wife,

one should never
point the finger of blame,

because it's always
the husband's fault.

Ah.

I know what it is.

Ah, doilet-toilet.

I forgot our anniversary.

Ahh, how insensitive of me.

This is my wife,
my significant otra.

That's good, honey,
why don't you just run home

right now and tell her
how much she means to you?

I would, but I have
a date with Fernando.

Well, then, why don't you
just pick up

a little something and bring it
to her tonight?

Somethin' she'd love, like,
like pork or Tinactin.

No... not that.

It has to be a more
meaningful gift.

I don't know,
what's the traditional

first-anniversary gift?

Well, let me
try to remember.

Uh, for my first anniversary,

I got

a million dollars in cash...

Paper!
It's paper.

Paper?

Paper is so blah.

Let me tell you,
when the gays can get married,

that's the first
thing that goes.

[instrumental music]

So we're at this dim sum
restaurant downtown,

and they have this
thing called bao whi--

Benjamin: Yes, I know
what bao is.

I spent the summer
at the Culinary Institute

in Hong Kong.

Personally,
I prefer har gow.

Okay, not the point
of the story.

Will: Anyway...

So she decides to have
some fun with the waiter.

So she says, "What are these
white puffy things?"

And he says, "Bao."

So I do.

Okay, but what
are they called?

Bao.

Okay, but what
are they called?

Bao!

She did it like
five or six times.

[both laughing]

It was a very funny story.

I guess the humor
was derived from two things.

One, that the two words
sounded the same.

Two, that you made
fun of someone

who doesn't speak
English very well.

Funny people think it's funny.

Really?
How would you know?

Okay, you know what, Benjamin?

What do you want me
to say, bow wow?

Alright, alright, alright,
alright, alright.

Now, don't make me
turn this car around

or we're goin' home
without ice cream!

[telephone ringing]

Hello.

Hi, Alex.

I was just thinking about you.

Okay, I wasn't.

But I certainly am now.

Let me take this outside.

[laughs]

[snorts]

- It bugs you, doesn't it?
- What?

When you're not
the center of attention.

It kills you,
I can tell.

- You think so?
- Mmm.

I know you, Ben.

You're so focused on yourself

and your whole
Ben Doucette thing.

But do you ever think
about anyone else?

Have you ever stopped

to ask someone else, what's up?

What's up, Grace?

[laughs]
Oh, no.

I don't think so,
that's not gonna work with me.

We're talking about you.

Alright, fine.
What do you want to know?

How about something real?

Something that doesn't
involve the words

"Porsche, beach house"

or "what's-her-name."

Mmm.

Okay, something real?

Well, I've been married twice.

First, to the love of my life,

who died ten years ago.

Then, to a woman who reminded me
of my first wife

but was, I found out,
nothing like her.

I have two beautiful kids,
one who's crazy about me

and one who's not.

And somehow,
driving my Porsche

to my beach house
with what's-her-name

doesn't quite make up
for the fact

that the things I really
want in my life

are exactly what's
missing from it.

Wow.

Is that true?

All but the Porsche part.

I drive a Mercedes now.

S-Class.

Any more questions, Grace?

Um...

How's the lamb?
I made it, you know.

It's really good, Grace.
It's good.

Date number two is set.

The romance pillar
is a little firmer.

Let me rephrase that, um...

Uh-oh.
Grace, you didn't tell

the irregular pantyhose story,
did you?

[instrumental music]

♪ There was something
in the air tonight ♪

♪ The stars were bright

♪ Fernando ♪

What?

[sighs]
You know what?

Who needs brains when you can
lick your own eyebrows?

[chuckles]

Now, let me just give
these to my wife,

and then we'll go make out.

Ahh, okay.

Cha-Cha, what
are you doing home?

I thought you had
a date with Dennis.

Pssh-k-psch--

Not till 10:00.

Anyway, Rosie, um...

I know you're upset because
I forgot our anniversary,

but I'm just hoping that
this will make up for it.

Oh, so sweet!

And since paper
is the traditional

first-anniversary gift.

Oh, Bounty.

Now I can cross it off my list.

Happy anniversary, Rosebud.

Don't wait up.

Is it safe?

My husband's gone,
but I would not say

that it is safe, my little cup

of crema de cacahuates.

Rosie, can I have some cash...

Jennifer Love Hewitt!

What the hell's
going on here?

What can I say, chica?

The heart wants
what it wants.

But you and Gardener?

We're in love.
We want to get married.

Well, I guess it's clear.

I'm the only one
in this relationship

who values the sanctity
of marriage.

Come on, Fernando!

[instrumental music]

Mr. Zamir?

- Mr. Zamir!
- What? What?

- What are you doing?
- Nothing.

I was walking, uh, my dog.

- What dog?
- Uh, where did he go?

[kissing call sounds]

Doggy, doggy, doggy?
Doggy, doggy, doggy?

You were hunched over reading
a personal card to Grace.

I would never do something
like that, it is wrong.

I'm glad you realize that.

So she slept with a guy
named Ben last night.

Let me see that!

Uh, that's a filthy note.

But also tender
and gentle in spots.

Grace and Ben?

- Hey.
- Will, what are you doing?

I was helping Mr. Zamir
look for his dog.

I don't have a dog.

You and Ben?

[groans]
Hey.

You're the one who
wanted us to make nice.

We did, we made nice.

Twice.

[instrumental music]

You are unbelievable!

You know, you're
the second guy to tell me

that in the last 12 hours.

[laughing]
Come on.

- Laugh.
- Grace, he's my boss.

Obviously, I didn't
plan this thing with Ben,

it just happened.

It was just this wild chemical
ripping off of a pair

of 50 dollar panties
kind of thing.

Thank you, Grace, that'll
go next to the visual

of my grandmother
getting out of the tub.

Don't make me
feel bad about this.

Ben's a great guy.

Besides, you have all
five pillars of happiness.

- Let me have this one.
- But my boss?

I mean, did you stop
for one minute to...

You know what?
I'm not gonna do this.

This is your life,
your decision.

Enjoy it.

Oh, Will,
the passive-aggressive gay man?

- It's been done.
- No, no, no, no.

This is relaxed fit gay man.

I'm serious,
I'm making a whole

new choice
for this conversation.

See Ben.

Honestly, it's fine.

Alright, I'm gonna
take you at your word,

because I do want
to keep seeing him.

Good, terrific, have fun.
Just leave me out of it.

Last thing I need
in my life right now

is somebody else's drama.

My wife is cheating on me!
My life is ruined!

Will, help me!

Enter the drama queen,
exit the neighbor.

Can you believe this?

She wants to divorce me

and marry Gardener.

- I'm out on the street!
- That's-- that's shocking.

Is there any way you can
tell me about this

without screeching
like a howler monkey?

[screeching] You know what?
I don't need you!

I have plenty of friends
who would be more than happy

to help me through this!

Goodbye!

You don't even pretend
to leave anymore, do you?

This is serious, Will.

I am about to lose everything,

and I have a dog
and a bird to support.

Jack, it was a sham marriage.

You... What are you gonna do?

Take Karen to court
and demand she keep you

in the lifestyle to which
you've become accustomed?

No, I'm not talking about...

I don't...

Can I really do that?

[instrumental music]

Mr. Doucette said
that you should review

the Blumen file.

- Where is it?
- I don't know.

Why don't you ask his assistant?

- You are his assistant.
- I just said I didn't know.

Wow, is that your fun side?

I'm just asking, 'cause
I wouldn't want to miss it.

[door shuts]

[sighs]

[jazz music]

[telephone ringing]

You should consider
yourself lucky.

Why is that?

'Cause I get about 500 dollars
an hour

for the work I do at this table.

That's it? I wouldn't
get out of bed for $500.

Really?
Will you take a check?

[Grace laughing]

Alright, you either said
something very romantic

or you called me a prostitute?

- Whatever, sounded good.
- Yeah.

- How you doing, Truman?
- Hi, Will.

What can I do for you?

Oh, I-- I was just looking
for the Blumen file,

but, uh, hey,
Mr. Blumen can wait.

One more day in a Turkish prison
never hurt anybody.

Okay, okay.
I'll get it for you.

It's in my office.

- You wanna cut in?
- Uh, no, thank you.

- I'd rather not.
- Ben: Aw, come on.

Cut in.
This lady's gotta dance.

[laughing]

See you later, sweetheart.
You too, Grace!

Oh, please, with the look.

How many times did
I have to watch you and Michael

do "Summer Lovin'"
from "Grease?"

That wasn't a look, I was just
looking at your skirt.

Shouldn't you be on
the dashboard of a cab going...

Oh, it's amazing, you know,

when things are working in
the relationship department,

all those other pillars
just fall into place.

Me and my family
are getting along.

- I'm loving my job again.
- Yeah, what about your health?

Health's better too, but
that's not Ben, that's bran.

[instrumental music]

Hello, Karen.
Hello, Grace.

- I am here on business.
- Hmm. Great.

Um, put me down for
two boxes of the thin mints.

Okay, different business.

Damn, now I want a cookie.

Okay, I'll be back.

This is in regard
to the very tragic

and devastating collapse
of my marriage to Rosario.

Yeah, well, it's the laughter
you'll remember, honey.

Let's go buy makeup.

And... even though one
could never put a price

on the pain and suffering
this has caused me...

One has.

Jack, I don't read.

I'm read to.

[sighs]
Very well.

Item one: $500,000
paid to me by you

over the next four years,
preferably in 50s.

Item two: A Shetland pony,

dyed powder blue
to match my eyes.

Item three: Powder blue eyes.

Jack: Item four--
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Blanche!
I'm still on item one.

Five hundred thousand
in fifties?

Yeah, I've always been turned on
by one Benji Franklin.

He wasn't afraid
to wear his hair up

and away from the face.

Franklin's on the 100, you mook.

And where do you get off
asking me for 500K?

Do you know how many times
I had to...

[panting]
"Oh my God. Stan!"

[screams]
To get that?

Well, we did have a contract.

I gave you a year of my life,

so Rosario could stay
in the country.

I-- I don't think a trust fund
and a Corvette

is too much to ask for.

Are you kidding me with this?

I plucked you out
of a 4x4 hovel

above a blinking light
in Times Square

and put you in a 6x6 maid's
quarters on Park Avenue.

And this is the thanks I get?

[gasps]

Hey, you got something
out of this too, missy.

Who read "Valley Of The Dolls"
to your kids every night?

Who distracted Stan for you
on Oyster Tuesdays?

Me.
It was me.

Now, I want my 500,000 in 50s,
50s with Ben Franklin on 'em!

You know,
you should think

very carefully
about what you're asking

for Miss Gurley Brown.

You've got a good
thing going here,

and if you think that
you can just shamelessly

siphon cash off a loved one
like I'm doing with my husband,

you've got another thing comin'!

I want my money.

You ain't getting
88 cents from me, Rose.

Very well,
I will see you in court.

By the way, your boobs
look great today.

It's a custom-made
Jean Claus,

just came in
from Paris yesterday.

Now, get outta here!

[instrumental music]

And at that point,
the arbitrator will hear

your side and Karen's side

and then he'll render
his decision.

But, Jack,
you-- you've got to be

more reasonable in your demands.

I, uh, I know
it was a little excessive,

but then just get me enough
for the essentials, okay?

Like food, clothing
and bikini waxes.

Well, that was good.
That way we all win.

[telephone rings]

Hello?
Alex, hi!

I'm so sorry about last night.
I couldn't get out.

Tomorrow brunch?

I will be there.
I will absolutely be there.

Will: Okay, bye.

Jack!

He's straight and married.

Yes, so I am.

[jazz music] Oh, good.
Grace is here.

I'm gonna go
tell her about Alex.

Oh, you gotta go tell your wife

about your boyfriend.
[blows raspberry]

- Spooky.
- What?

When you said that,
you looked just like a woman.

Gracie, good news.

Oh, you're not Gracie.

And this is not good news.