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1
00:00:00,826 --> 00:00:02,787
[instrumental music]
2
00:00:07,666 --> 00:00:10,149
Hey, lookin' good.
3
00:00:12,981 --> 00:00:15,726
I'm having an insect invasion.
4
00:00:15,769 --> 00:00:17,860
New York roaches
are getting way too bold.
5
00:00:17,904 --> 00:00:20,039
I just found one wearing
a pair of my shoes.
6
00:00:23,481 --> 00:00:27,576
Look at you two with the cologne
and the tightness. Mmm.
7
00:00:30,059 --> 00:00:32,106
- Where you going?
- This new club downtown.
8
00:00:32,151 --> 00:00:33,762
Yeah, it's where the old club
downtown used to be.
9
00:00:33,805 --> 00:00:36,942
Oh! Oh! Great!
Okay, just give me two minutes.
10
00:00:36,985 --> 00:00:39,121
Both: Ooh.
11
00:00:42,039 --> 00:00:45,264
What, "ooh?" I love gay bars.
I always go to gay bars.
12
00:00:45,307 --> 00:00:48,879
There's not a gay bar in town
I haven't been to with you guys.
13
00:00:48,922 --> 00:00:50,665
Okay, just figured out
why I'm alone
14
00:00:50,709 --> 00:00:52,408
and dateless
on a Saturday night.
15
00:00:56,155 --> 00:00:58,028
You have a boyfriend.
Call Josh.
16
00:00:58,072 --> 00:01:00,468
Mmm, no, he'll just
want to see some chick flick
17
00:01:00,511 --> 00:01:02,124
and then talk about it.
18
00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:05,347
I wanna, I wanna go
with you guys.
19
00:01:05,391 --> 00:01:07,134
No, I'm sorry,
we're having a meeting
20
00:01:07,177 --> 00:01:08,310
of the He-Man
Woman Haters' Club.
21
00:01:08,353 --> 00:01:09,660
No girls allowed. Right, Spanky?
22
00:01:09,703 --> 00:01:11,794
Me, too, neither. Hmmph.
23
00:01:15,672 --> 00:01:18,112
Fine. I don't need
you two to have fun.
24
00:01:18,156 --> 00:01:19,462
I have a big night planned.
25
00:01:19,506 --> 00:01:20,944
Mmm. Ant traps
are under the kitchen sink.
26
00:01:20,987 --> 00:01:22,555
Thanks.
27
00:01:23,601 --> 00:01:24,516
[elevator dings]
28
00:01:25,605 --> 00:01:26,912
I'm...
29
00:01:32,881 --> 00:01:35,668
- Uh, Val?
- Hey.
30
00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:41,245
Hi, oh, I'm sorry. I was just
doing a little some-- something
31
00:01:41,289 --> 00:01:43,597
for the security camera.
[chuckles]
32
00:01:43,642 --> 00:01:47,431
A little gift for the boys
in the basement.
33
00:01:47,475 --> 00:01:49,654
Shut up. I do the same thing.
34
00:01:52,573 --> 00:01:54,184
I hate to disappoint you both,
but that's not
35
00:01:54,228 --> 00:01:57,321
a security camera,
that's a smoke detector.
36
00:01:57,364 --> 00:01:59,325
- Val, do you know Jack?
- No.
37
00:01:59,368 --> 00:02:01,939
Val, the lunachick
who got in a catfight with Grace
38
00:02:01,982 --> 00:02:03,463
and tore her clothes off?
39
00:02:03,508 --> 00:02:04,727
Speaking.
40
00:02:04,771 --> 00:02:06,426
I am such a big fan
of your work.
41
00:02:06,469 --> 00:02:09,476
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
42
00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:11,480
Hey, do you guys want to go have
a cookout on my fire escape,
43
00:02:11,524 --> 00:02:12,830
'cause I just got a new hibachi?
44
00:02:12,874 --> 00:02:14,921
Ooh, tempting.
No, we're going to a club.
45
00:02:14,965 --> 00:02:16,010
- Yeah.
- Oh, really?
46
00:02:16,054 --> 00:02:16,969
It's all you can eat
after midnight.
47
00:02:17,012 --> 00:02:18,319
I didn't know they served food.
48
00:02:18,363 --> 00:02:20,585
They don't.
[both giggle]
49
00:02:23,242 --> 00:02:26,335
Well, I guess, I'm the only
loser with nothing to do
50
00:02:26,380 --> 00:02:27,599
on a Saturday night then.
51
00:02:27,643 --> 00:02:30,388
Get off, get off, get off!
52
00:02:30,431 --> 00:02:32,609
And then there were two.
53
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:35,005
Nighty-night.
54
00:02:35,048 --> 00:02:36,313
- Hey.
- Val?
55
00:02:36,356 --> 00:02:37,706
Long time no see.
56
00:02:37,750 --> 00:02:41,366
Yeah, I, uh, I think
the last time I saw you,
57
00:02:41,410 --> 00:02:45,374
you were smashing my face
into the carpet.
58
00:02:45,418 --> 00:02:47,378
Well, looks like that
burn above your eye went away.
59
00:02:49,076 --> 00:02:52,170
Actually, I just stopped
plucking in that area.
60
00:02:53,651 --> 00:02:55,525
Well, I just got ditched
by two gay guys.
61
00:02:55,568 --> 00:02:56,527
Oh, my God, me, too.
62
00:02:56,570 --> 00:02:58,139
- Really?
- Yeah.
63
00:02:58,182 --> 00:03:00,361
Hey, well, do you wanna to kill
bugs and watch infomercials?
64
00:03:00,404 --> 00:03:03,061
I'm wearing pointed shoes.
65
00:03:03,105 --> 00:03:04,543
- You're on!
- Really?
66
00:03:04,586 --> 00:03:06,416
- Yeah!
- Oh, good, I like your hat.
67
00:03:06,460 --> 00:03:08,202
I got one in faux fur.
68
00:03:08,899 --> 00:03:11,818
[theme music]
69
00:03:21,881 --> 00:03:23,624
- Oh, my God.
- Ew.
70
00:03:23,668 --> 00:03:26,587
They're pulling her
whole face off. Ew, ew, ew.
71
00:03:26,630 --> 00:03:28,417
Ooh, I love this show.
72
00:03:29,897 --> 00:03:33,165
Can you imagine
doing that to your face?
73
00:03:33,209 --> 00:03:35,518
I would never do
plastic surgery, it's gross.
74
00:03:35,561 --> 00:03:38,262
- I know. It's so demeaning.
- Pathetic.
75
00:03:38,306 --> 00:03:39,351
Totally.
76
00:03:40,092 --> 00:03:41,791
I might do my eyes.
77
00:03:43,883 --> 00:03:45,451
Well, sure. That's medical.
78
00:03:47,759 --> 00:03:51,506
I'm... I'm also thinking
of getting a butt lift.
79
00:03:51,550 --> 00:03:53,075
Not surgical, just pay some guy
80
00:03:53,118 --> 00:03:55,471
to walk behind me and carry it.
81
00:04:01,570 --> 00:04:05,142
If I'm not married by the time
I'm 35, I'm doing my boobs.
82
00:04:05,186 --> 00:04:06,623
- That's not medical.
- Sure, it is.
83
00:04:06,668 --> 00:04:08,584
I wanna marry a doctor.
84
00:04:10,283 --> 00:04:12,417
My ex-husband wanted me
to get a boob job,
85
00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:13,812
and so I got rid of him.
86
00:04:13,856 --> 00:04:15,293
Well, that and the fact
that he was sleeping
87
00:04:15,336 --> 00:04:17,210
with his dental hygienist.
88
00:04:18,517 --> 00:04:21,218
Why is it always the hygienist?
What is it?
89
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:24,180
Is it the white uniforms?
The latex gloves?
90
00:04:24,224 --> 00:04:26,184
I think
it's because they're whores.
91
00:04:34,985 --> 00:04:37,293
Well, hey, Lady La-La.
92
00:04:37,337 --> 00:04:38,775
What are you doin' in here?
93
00:04:38,819 --> 00:04:42,173
Oh, Stan's been sockin'
down the herbal Viagra again,
94
00:04:42,216 --> 00:04:43,349
and this is the only room
in the house
95
00:04:43,392 --> 00:04:45,222
he doesn't know about. Shhh.
96
00:04:46,617 --> 00:04:47,880
Karen, guess what?
97
00:04:47,924 --> 00:04:51,888
Tonight, I met the one.
98
00:04:51,932 --> 00:04:54,240
The man I wanna spend
the rest of my life with.
99
00:04:54,284 --> 00:04:56,898
Hey! There is only one man
in your life.
100
00:04:56,942 --> 00:05:00,645
And her name is Rosario
and don't you forget that.
101
00:05:00,689 --> 00:05:03,303
Um, his name is Bill. Look.
102
00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:05,568
And he gave me
a picture of himself.
103
00:05:05,612 --> 00:05:06,918
Isn't that a great idea?
104
00:05:06,962 --> 00:05:08,530
I'm gonna start passing out
pictures of myself
105
00:05:08,574 --> 00:05:10,447
to people I meet at clubs.
106
00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:14,325
Honey, did you even read this?
107
00:05:14,368 --> 00:05:17,331
Well, I read the picture.
108
00:05:17,374 --> 00:05:20,031
And it said, "Mommy, mommy,
give me some of Jack." Ah!
109
00:05:22,950 --> 00:05:27,394
He is the head of some group
called "Welcome Back Home."
110
00:05:27,438 --> 00:05:28,832
Well, I'm sure it's a typo,
he must mean,
111
00:05:28,875 --> 00:05:30,792
"Welcome back, homo."
112
00:05:32,361 --> 00:05:35,759
"It's never too late to get back
on the straight and narrow?"
113
00:05:35,802 --> 00:05:38,373
Honey, this is a cult. Yeah.
114
00:05:38,416 --> 00:05:40,943
Like the Moonies
or the homeless.
115
00:05:43,078 --> 00:05:47,347
Yes, they're trying to make
gay people straight.
116
00:05:47,391 --> 00:05:51,442
Good Lord. Don't they know what
that'll do to the fall line?
117
00:05:55,842 --> 00:05:58,282
"Renounce your homosexuality?"
118
00:05:58,326 --> 00:06:00,460
"Make the choice
to be straight?"
119
00:06:00,504 --> 00:06:02,377
"Gay is not the way."
120
00:06:02,421 --> 00:06:05,383
Jennifer Jason Leigh,
these people are freaks!
121
00:06:07,605 --> 00:06:11,091
Yes, and it looks like your new
sweetie has turned his back
122
00:06:11,134 --> 00:06:14,881
on homosexuals
and not in the good way, no.
123
00:06:25,119 --> 00:06:27,166
Don't listen.
124
00:06:30,346 --> 00:06:33,526
Well... Bill is not straight.
125
00:06:33,570 --> 00:06:36,445
I mean, look at us, Karen.
We're lovers.
126
00:06:38,536 --> 00:06:39,626
Lord.
127
00:06:41,107 --> 00:06:43,068
I wonder if
Stan's exhausted himself
128
00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:44,985
on the body pillow yet.
129
00:06:47,424 --> 00:06:52,042
Wait, they're having a meeting
tomorrow. We have to go.
130
00:06:52,086 --> 00:06:54,743
What this organization
is advocating is morally wrong.
131
00:06:54,787 --> 00:06:56,094
And it is my responsibility
132
00:06:56,137 --> 00:06:58,054
to shine the mirror of truth
upon them.
133
00:06:58,098 --> 00:06:59,187
- Honey?
- Okay.
134
00:06:59,230 --> 00:07:01,365
I just want to make out
with Bill.
135
00:07:01,408 --> 00:07:03,412
Ooh, he's so cute, isn't he?
136
00:07:03,456 --> 00:07:05,983
I know, I know, honey,
but it's a waste of time.
137
00:07:06,027 --> 00:07:09,381
Alright, it's like exercise
or reading to your kids.
138
00:07:10,950 --> 00:07:13,956
The man thinks he's straight.
139
00:07:13,999 --> 00:07:16,221
There are no straight men,
140
00:07:16,264 --> 00:07:18,487
only men who haven't met Jack.
141
00:07:20,970 --> 00:07:23,540
Yeah, well,
you can count me out.
142
00:07:23,584 --> 00:07:25,718
If you think I'm gonna spend
my Sunday morning
143
00:07:25,762 --> 00:07:28,463
with a bunch of self-loathing
closet cases...
144
00:07:28,507 --> 00:07:31,339
- You get to be a lesbian.
- Karen: Wake me by 11.
145
00:07:35,128 --> 00:07:38,396
So, um, Val, what are you
doing Tuesday night?
146
00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:39,703
Tuesday night?
147
00:07:39,746 --> 00:07:42,099
Oh, I'm going to a movie
and then out to dinner.
148
00:07:42,142 --> 00:07:43,711
- Oh.
- With you, silly person!
149
00:07:43,754 --> 00:07:44,974
Oh, yay, wow!
150
00:07:45,933 --> 00:07:46,978
[elevator dings]
151
00:07:49,810 --> 00:07:52,075
Wow, if these walls could talk.
152
00:07:57,173 --> 00:07:58,784
So how was girls' night out?
153
00:07:58,828 --> 00:08:01,312
[murmurs] I don't know. I got
hit on by a guy named Beverly,
154
00:08:01,355 --> 00:08:03,142
which, you know, in England,
is a very common name
155
00:08:03,185 --> 00:08:05,450
for, for women.
156
00:08:06,626 --> 00:08:08,020
- Bye, Val.
- Night, guys.
157
00:08:08,065 --> 00:08:10,939
- Bye.
- Bye!
158
00:08:10,983 --> 00:08:15,818
Wow. So no bruises, no cuts,
no torn clothing?
159
00:08:15,862 --> 00:08:17,039
What the hell happened?
160
00:08:17,083 --> 00:08:18,911
Grace: We had so much fun.
161
00:08:18,956 --> 00:08:21,526
I don't think that I've laughed
that hard since you and...
162
00:08:23,443 --> 00:08:25,795
That's odd.
My music box is missing.
163
00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:26,840
What?
164
00:08:26,884 --> 00:08:28,148
The music box my dad gave me
165
00:08:28,192 --> 00:08:30,239
for my bat mitzvah.
166
00:08:30,283 --> 00:08:32,200
Did you borrow it?
167
00:08:32,243 --> 00:08:35,336
Yeah. Yeah,
I took it to the bar with me.
168
00:08:35,380 --> 00:08:38,081
Nothing says "hey, there"
like a pop-up ballerina.
169
00:08:40,216 --> 00:08:43,788
It was here.
Val even, even commented on it.
170
00:08:43,832 --> 00:08:45,879
You don't think she, um...
171
00:08:45,923 --> 00:08:48,319
- What?
- Stole it?
172
00:08:48,362 --> 00:08:51,151
I mean, she has tried battery
on you, why not theft?
173
00:08:52,022 --> 00:08:54,897
[instrumental music]
174
00:08:56,727 --> 00:08:58,078
Well, I hope you're happy.
175
00:08:58,121 --> 00:08:59,907
Thanks to you,
I didn't sleep all night.
176
00:08:59,951 --> 00:09:01,301
Well, I've got news for you,
mister.
177
00:09:01,345 --> 00:09:04,743
Val did not steal my music box.
She is my friend.
178
00:09:04,787 --> 00:09:06,878
- And I trust her.
- Okay.
179
00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:10,232
Which is why we are breaking
into her apartment.
180
00:09:10,276 --> 00:09:13,805
So I can prove to you
that it is not there.
181
00:09:13,848 --> 00:09:16,026
Great, just give me a minute
to get my black leotard
182
00:09:16,070 --> 00:09:18,466
and suction cups and I'll meet
you on the side of the building.
183
00:09:20,034 --> 00:09:22,562
- Hurry up.
- Grace!
184
00:09:24,304 --> 00:09:26,526
Understand what you're doing?
This is breaking and entering.
185
00:09:26,570 --> 00:09:28,835
We can't go to prison.
We're too pretty.
186
00:09:30,882 --> 00:09:32,669
Relax. I'm the president
of the tenants board.
187
00:09:32,712 --> 00:09:34,237
I'm allowed
to go into any apartment
188
00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:36,328
in which I suspect a gas leak.
189
00:09:36,371 --> 00:09:38,507
But you don't suspect
a gas leak?
190
00:09:38,550 --> 00:09:41,207
Man, you're not gonna last
two minutes in the slam.
191
00:09:46,130 --> 00:09:48,962
Well, now we know who's
buying everything on eBay.
192
00:09:53,885 --> 00:09:56,978
Okay, come on.
Let's start lookin'.
193
00:09:57,021 --> 00:10:00,245
Man, look at all these
snow globes.
194
00:10:00,290 --> 00:10:03,164
"Greetings from Times Square."
195
00:10:03,208 --> 00:10:05,735
Aw, Grace, look.
It's snowing on a hooker.
196
00:10:07,304 --> 00:10:09,917
Okay, put the hooker down.
197
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:12,836
You're so convinced
she took the music box, find it.
198
00:10:12,879 --> 00:10:14,405
Actually, Grace, you know
what I'm more convinced of?
199
00:10:14,448 --> 00:10:16,103
That I don't care.
200
00:10:16,146 --> 00:10:18,282
Then why would you call
my friend a thief?
201
00:10:18,326 --> 00:10:20,982
- I take it back.
- What are you, a child?
202
00:10:21,026 --> 00:10:24,816
There's no takesies backsies.
203
00:10:24,860 --> 00:10:27,169
Okay, so start looking.
204
00:10:27,213 --> 00:10:30,654
It's a brown music box
that plays "Hava Nagila."
205
00:10:32,963 --> 00:10:35,403
But you're not
gonna find it. And why?
206
00:10:35,447 --> 00:10:38,931
Because Val did not take it.
207
00:10:38,975 --> 00:10:41,894
["Hava Nagila"
plays on music box]
208
00:10:43,463 --> 00:10:46,251
Well, unless you've been using
musical suppositories,
209
00:10:46,295 --> 00:10:48,299
I think we've found it.
210
00:10:51,696 --> 00:10:53,134
Oh, God.
211
00:10:55,966 --> 00:10:57,621
Hey.
212
00:10:57,665 --> 00:10:58,885
Surprise!
213
00:10:58,929 --> 00:11:00,758
Surprise!
214
00:11:00,801 --> 00:11:02,152
What are you two doing here?
215
00:11:02,196 --> 00:11:05,856
Um, uh-- uh-- uh,
we thought you had a gas leak.
216
00:11:05,899 --> 00:11:07,293
Then why did you
yell "surprise?"
217
00:11:07,337 --> 00:11:10,473
Well, we didn't say
it was a nice surprise.
218
00:11:21,452 --> 00:11:23,064
Oh, my Lord,
look at these people.
219
00:11:23,107 --> 00:11:24,850
Just because
they stopped being gay
220
00:11:24,894 --> 00:11:27,333
it doesn't mean that
they have to stop having taste.
221
00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:33,258
Oh, look.
There he is. There's Bill.
222
00:11:33,301 --> 00:11:34,608
Isn't he dreamy?
223
00:11:34,653 --> 00:11:36,220
Yeah, he's a slice o' ice cream
cake.
224
00:11:36,264 --> 00:11:39,096
Now, when do I get to French
kiss a girl? Come on, come on.
225
00:11:40,926 --> 00:11:42,625
Patience, Clarice.
226
00:11:42,669 --> 00:11:44,062
The best way for me
to get close to Bill
227
00:11:44,106 --> 00:11:45,718
is to act
like a straight guy.
228
00:11:45,762 --> 00:11:48,855
That way I can win him over
and release his inner homo.
229
00:11:50,946 --> 00:11:54,474
I haven't seen this many closet
cases since the Academy Awards.
230
00:11:57,916 --> 00:12:01,837
Well, hello.
You must be the newcomers.
231
00:12:01,881 --> 00:12:04,713
I'm Kevin
and this is my wife, Jodie.
232
00:12:09,373 --> 00:12:12,903
We're one of Welcome Back Home's
biggest success stories.
233
00:12:12,946 --> 00:12:14,776
Four years and counting.
234
00:12:14,820 --> 00:12:18,349
Can you believe that
we actually used to be gay?
235
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:25,188
What? You two?
[mouthing] No.
236
00:12:25,231 --> 00:12:27,192
I'm plotzing.
237
00:12:27,235 --> 00:12:28,500
[mouthing] Wow.
238
00:12:29,719 --> 00:12:31,854
Help yourself to the buffet.
239
00:12:31,897 --> 00:12:34,947
Forget what you think you know
about corned beef hash.
240
00:12:34,990 --> 00:12:37,735
And try the deviled eggs.
My Kevin made 'em.
241
00:12:37,779 --> 00:12:39,217
They're world famous.
242
00:12:39,260 --> 00:12:42,397
My secret is chopped scallions.
243
00:12:47,668 --> 00:12:50,935
Honey, was that
two men or two women?
244
00:12:54,203 --> 00:12:56,730
- Jack, you're here.
- Oh, my God, it's Bill.
245
00:12:56,773 --> 00:12:57,862
Take it out of the head voice.
246
00:12:57,906 --> 00:13:00,302
[lower voice] Oh, my God,
it's Bill.
247
00:13:00,346 --> 00:13:02,393
Jack, I am so proud of you
for coming.
248
00:13:02,437 --> 00:13:04,876
As a former gay man myself,
I know how difficult it can be
249
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:08,275
to take that first step.
Welcome back home.
250
00:13:08,318 --> 00:13:11,281
Uh, dude, I came home
a long time ago.
251
00:13:12,544 --> 00:13:14,941
Uh, this is Karen,
the old ball and chain.
252
00:13:14,984 --> 00:13:18,817
I used to dig chicks.
Hah! Yeah.
253
00:13:18,861 --> 00:13:21,344
Oh, well, welcome back home
to you, too.
254
00:13:21,388 --> 00:13:22,869
I'm sorry, when I saw you
at the bar last night...
255
00:13:22,913 --> 00:13:25,309
Oh, no-no-no. I was just
uh, trying to get my bud Will
256
00:13:25,352 --> 00:13:27,923
back on the [whistles]
straight and narrow again, yeah.
257
00:13:27,967 --> 00:13:30,188
He's a big fat flamer!
[laughs]
258
00:13:32,802 --> 00:13:33,848
He's in love with me, so, uh...
259
00:13:33,892 --> 00:13:36,374
Me? I like the ladies.
Right, babe?
260
00:13:40,426 --> 00:13:42,910
[both growl]
261
00:13:45,785 --> 00:13:48,791
Wow. Wow, that is just
a beautiful thing to see.
262
00:13:51,317 --> 00:13:53,060
- Isn't being married great?
- Yeah.
263
00:13:53,104 --> 00:13:54,803
- Is there anything better?
- Yeah.
264
00:13:54,847 --> 00:13:57,896
Riding on the back of a Harley
with Angelina Jolie. Oh!
265
00:14:02,122 --> 00:14:03,341
That's why I brought her in.
266
00:14:03,385 --> 00:14:04,430
See, she needs a little bit
of a tune-up.
267
00:14:04,474 --> 00:14:05,782
- Yeah.
- Rrrmm, rrrmm!
268
00:14:05,825 --> 00:14:07,655
Ah, party on.
269
00:14:08,744 --> 00:14:10,051
Well, that's what
we're here for,
270
00:14:10,094 --> 00:14:12,011
to support you in your new life.
271
00:14:12,055 --> 00:14:15,889
- Girls, we got a slider.
- What's that?
272
00:14:15,932 --> 00:14:18,764
Come on, Karen. You're just
in time for the makeup seminar.
273
00:14:18,808 --> 00:14:20,114
We're all gonna get cheekbones.
274
00:14:20,158 --> 00:14:21,988
Oh, well, that's nice, honey.
275
00:14:22,031 --> 00:14:25,124
And, uh, when are we
gonna learn about bras?
276
00:14:29,045 --> 00:14:32,574
Well, well, well. Alone at last.
277
00:14:32,618 --> 00:14:35,755
In a heterosexual straight
kind of way, you know.
278
00:14:37,671 --> 00:14:39,371
So, yeah, you wanna
watch the game?
279
00:14:39,414 --> 00:14:40,634
What game?
280
00:14:40,677 --> 00:14:43,160
You know, foot... skipball?
281
00:14:47,735 --> 00:14:49,565
- I'm back.
- We missed you.
282
00:14:49,608 --> 00:14:53,093
- I hope you like Sunny D.
- I Sunny do.
283
00:14:53,137 --> 00:14:54,401
Oh, wait.
284
00:14:54,444 --> 00:14:56,797
Ah, that's for you.
That's for you.
285
00:15:01,937 --> 00:15:04,377
[mumbling]
286
00:15:04,421 --> 00:15:05,771
Uh, uh, okay.
287
00:15:05,815 --> 00:15:08,080
Val, um, uh, I-- I don't know
how to say this,
288
00:15:08,123 --> 00:15:10,999
but, uh,
where did you get the...
289
00:15:12,437 --> 00:15:14,397
snow globes?
290
00:15:14,441 --> 00:15:17,186
Oh, they belonged
to my ex-husband.
291
00:15:17,229 --> 00:15:18,971
He loved them more
than anything.
292
00:15:19,015 --> 00:15:20,583
So, naturally, I made sure that
I got them
293
00:15:20,627 --> 00:15:23,023
in the settlement.
294
00:15:23,066 --> 00:15:26,421
So you sort of got him
by the globes.
295
00:15:26,465 --> 00:15:27,859
I squeezed 'em real tight
296
00:15:27,902 --> 00:15:29,863
and I shook 'em,
shook 'em, shook 'em!
297
00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:32,390
Yeah.
298
00:15:33,435 --> 00:15:34,785
Yeah.
299
00:15:34,829 --> 00:15:36,485
Globes are fun.
You know what else I love?
300
00:15:36,528 --> 00:15:39,491
This music box,
where'd you get that?
301
00:15:39,534 --> 00:15:41,625
Oh, I got that with, uh,
302
00:15:41,669 --> 00:15:44,718
with a big kitty,
they came as a set.
303
00:15:49,337 --> 00:15:50,730
How long have you had it?
304
00:15:50,774 --> 00:15:53,345
- Oh, for like forever.
- Oh, what's it play?
305
00:15:53,388 --> 00:15:55,131
This old Irish song that I love.
306
00:15:55,175 --> 00:15:57,657
- Sweet. Can I hear it?
- Sure.
307
00:16:00,359 --> 00:16:03,321
♪ Gosh and begorrah
gosh and begorrah ♪
308
00:16:03,365 --> 00:16:05,848
♪ Gosh and begorrah
my Irish eyes... ♪♪
309
00:16:05,892 --> 00:16:07,809
It's "Hava Nagila"!
310
00:16:09,116 --> 00:16:10,902
It's not an Irish song!
311
00:16:10,946 --> 00:16:14,954
It's an ancient Hebrew song
about... something Jewish!
312
00:16:17,742 --> 00:16:20,442
My dad gave this to me
for my bat mitzvah.
313
00:16:20,486 --> 00:16:22,272
You stole it!
314
00:16:22,316 --> 00:16:25,758
Grace, I am hurt. How can you
say something like that?
315
00:16:25,801 --> 00:16:28,677
Read the back.
Is your Hebrew name Rachel?
316
00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:31,290
- Give it to me.
- No, it's mine!
317
00:16:31,334 --> 00:16:33,861
- It's mine! It's mine!
- Hey, hey, hey! Hold on.
318
00:16:38,217 --> 00:16:41,354
Can we take a breath? Okay?
319
00:16:41,397 --> 00:16:43,401
God, you two, I sw-- I swear,
when you get together,
320
00:16:43,445 --> 00:16:45,362
I-- I know what it must be like
to be the father of...
321
00:16:45,405 --> 00:16:47,976
[screaming]
322
00:16:48,020 --> 00:16:49,457
- Get off of me!
- Hey. Come on, Grace.
323
00:16:49,501 --> 00:16:52,899
Oh! My globes.
324
00:16:58,040 --> 00:17:02,440
- What a great play. Up high.
- Uh.
325
00:17:02,484 --> 00:17:05,097
See, um, before, when I was gay,
326
00:17:05,141 --> 00:17:07,711
that high five might have sent
a tingle up my thigh
327
00:17:07,755 --> 00:17:12,330
straight to my
home entertainment center.
328
00:17:12,373 --> 00:17:16,642
But now that I'm straight,
it's just a couple of guys
329
00:17:16,686 --> 00:17:19,822
celebrating the ball
doing somethin' good.
330
00:17:19,866 --> 00:17:23,133
Exactly, Welcome Back Home
teaches that physical contact
331
00:17:23,177 --> 00:17:25,834
between two men is okay, as long
as there's nothing behind it.
332
00:17:25,878 --> 00:17:27,534
- That's us, right? Yeah...
- Sure. I mean...
333
00:17:27,577 --> 00:17:28,536
Oooh!
334
00:17:29,102 --> 00:17:30,757
Oooh!
335
00:17:31,672 --> 00:17:34,112
Oh, how do you do it, ladies?
336
00:17:34,155 --> 00:17:36,028
How do you stay straight
with so many
337
00:17:36,072 --> 00:17:37,945
fine lookin' chicks around?
338
00:17:39,645 --> 00:17:42,346
Well, we try and
keep our love life fresh,
339
00:17:42,390 --> 00:17:44,655
so we don't do it that often.
340
00:17:44,698 --> 00:17:48,750
Oh, you're lucky.
Jack just wants it all the time.
341
00:17:48,793 --> 00:17:50,362
- Ooh.
- And I wanna please him.
342
00:17:50,406 --> 00:17:53,063
But I don't know,
whenever we're making love,
343
00:17:53,107 --> 00:17:55,677
I just can't
stop thinking about...
344
00:17:57,246 --> 00:17:58,204
Rosario.
345
00:18:02,691 --> 00:18:03,910
Who?
346
00:18:03,954 --> 00:18:07,179
She's our maid, but, oh,
she's so much more.
347
00:18:07,222 --> 00:18:11,883
Yeah, whenever I see her
up on a step ladder dusting,
348
00:18:11,927 --> 00:18:14,236
my eyes just travel up those
349
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:19,072
thin supple calves to those
thick, trunk-like thighs.
350
00:18:19,115 --> 00:18:23,080
- I just... Oh, I should stop.
- No, go on.
351
00:18:27,697 --> 00:18:29,745
- Hey, that was a great game.
- Yeah.
352
00:18:29,788 --> 00:18:31,793
So you wanna hit the showers?
353
00:18:34,581 --> 00:18:35,713
What?
354
00:18:35,757 --> 00:18:38,110
You know, like they're doing.
355
00:18:38,153 --> 00:18:39,678
Jack, I don't think
that's appropriate.
356
00:18:39,721 --> 00:18:41,857
What do you talk?
357
00:18:41,900 --> 00:18:43,730
It's just a couple
of naked straight guys
358
00:18:43,774 --> 00:18:45,995
soaping each other down.
Pppsss...
359
00:18:47,956 --> 00:18:49,786
Okay, I-- I have to say
something here.
360
00:18:49,829 --> 00:18:52,486
The backslapping and
the head-rubbing was one thing,
361
00:18:52,530 --> 00:18:54,534
but the ear blowing
and the butterfly kisses
362
00:18:54,577 --> 00:18:56,887
are not standard NBA practice.
363
00:18:56,930 --> 00:18:59,500
And now this shower thing?
364
00:18:59,544 --> 00:19:00,938
What are you implying?
365
00:19:00,982 --> 00:19:02,376
You're coming on to me.
366
00:19:03,901 --> 00:19:08,518
What? I am shocked and appalled.
367
00:19:08,563 --> 00:19:10,348
But are you interested?
368
00:19:13,093 --> 00:19:17,231
You think that you can just
come in here and use this group,
369
00:19:17,275 --> 00:19:20,500
this group that puts people back
on the path of righteousness,
370
00:19:20,543 --> 00:19:23,200
as some kind of dating service?
371
00:19:23,243 --> 00:19:25,160
I just need a yes or no.
372
00:19:27,251 --> 00:19:29,953
No. And I want to make something
crystal clear to you
373
00:19:29,996 --> 00:19:31,565
and to everyone else
in this room.
374
00:19:31,609 --> 00:19:36,226
Excuse me, we are here to lead
normal, heterosexual lives.
375
00:19:36,269 --> 00:19:39,755
Man and woman
are meant to be together.
376
00:19:39,799 --> 00:19:42,718
So anyone here
who has a misguided notion
377
00:19:42,761 --> 00:19:46,639
that Welcome Back Home is some
kind of a-- a gay pickup joint,
378
00:19:46,682 --> 00:19:48,643
you can just leave right now.
379
00:19:55,961 --> 00:19:58,271
Well, look at 'em go.
380
00:19:58,314 --> 00:20:01,320
I haven't seen a stampede
like this since Pamplona.
381
00:20:01,364 --> 00:20:05,066
Oh! Oh, my God, listen to me.
I'm a funny lesbian. I'm Ellen.
382
00:20:13,736 --> 00:20:15,697
Well, as long as
it's a heterosexual soapdown.
383
00:20:15,740 --> 00:20:17,091
Attagirl.
384
00:20:23,626 --> 00:20:25,760
I'm so sorry I kicked you
that second time.
385
00:20:25,804 --> 00:20:27,938
Yeah.
386
00:20:27,982 --> 00:20:30,509
- But you did get in the way.
- I know. That's my fault.
387
00:20:30,553 --> 00:20:33,080
I should know to wear
a sports cup around you two.
388
00:20:35,258 --> 00:20:37,349
Can I ask one small question?
389
00:20:37,392 --> 00:20:39,222
Yeah, I would alternate ice
and heat on them
390
00:20:39,266 --> 00:20:41,226
until the feeling comes back.
391
00:20:42,272 --> 00:20:44,319
A different question.
392
00:20:44,363 --> 00:20:47,674
Why did you bend over backwards
defending this woman
393
00:20:47,717 --> 00:20:48,981
when it was so clear that...
394
00:20:49,025 --> 00:20:50,723
I know, I know, I know.
395
00:20:53,076 --> 00:20:54,731
She was fun.
396
00:20:54,775 --> 00:20:58,914
And I need more women
in my life, besides you.
397
00:21:01,658 --> 00:21:02,792
It was big of you
to forgive her.
398
00:21:02,835 --> 00:21:05,710
I thought
the hug was a nice touch.
399
00:21:05,754 --> 00:21:07,714
Screw forgiveness.
400
00:21:07,758 --> 00:21:09,500
When she was huggin' me,
401
00:21:09,544 --> 00:21:12,158
I stole her watch.
402
00:21:12,201 --> 00:21:15,818
Grace, you crafty little...
Okay, this is my watch.
30143
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