All language subtitles for Will & Grace (1998) - S02E19 - An Affair to Forget 1080p WEBDL h264 AAC 2.0

[instrumental music]

Okay, uh, uh, uh,
a school report,

two pieces of paper,

um, uh, uh,
a hem line in a hurry.

What, oh, what?
I don't know and I don't...

- Give me another clue, come on.
- Uh, uh.

Um, um, your Aunt Honey's
stomach.

Things that are stapled!

- Thank you.
- Yeah!

Wow.

- Alright! Great time.
- Great.

- Twenty-two seconds.
- Uh-huh.

Okay, not bad.

If they don't get the next one
in seven seconds, we won.

- Mm-hmm.
- Shorthand, we won.

- Ha!
- Okay. Good luck, you guys.

- Know you can do it.
- And here we go.

- Me and you.
- People who're gettin' married.

- Correct.
- What?

Well, you know, we've been
thinkin' about it and we just--

What, in four seconds?

They must have cheated.
They suck at this.

- Hey!
- This is the...

Maniac, they're not playing
the game,

they're making an announcement.

Oh, oh. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, congratulations.
And we won.

- Whoo.
- Hey.

I have a chilled bottle
of very expensive champagne,

which I have been saving
for a special occasion.

Who wants coffee?

Um, Will, there's actually
one more question I need to pop.

Um... will you be my best man?

Rob, you are not
only my friend...

you're my accountant and...

any guy that can figure out
a way to deduct Jack McFarland

as an entertainment expense...
come here.

Wai-- wai-- wai-- wait.
Okay, we're not done.

Grace... would you be
my maid of honor?

Grace: Oh, my God, Ellen.

That is so sweet.
Come here.

No.

What?

[gasps]
Well, why?

Well, gosh, you don't want
two redheads in the...

In the wedding party.

It-- it-- it...
Eh, it's a red menace.

Since when, Grace?

Since never. I made it up.
I'll do--

- Oh!
- Of course, I will.

- Thank you, Grace!
- Of course.

Oh, now, I am so, so jazzed
about all this.

Good, you know, you guys,
you're the best,

and-- and we hate to cut
this evening short

but, uh, we gotta break
the big news

to everyone
in our line dancing club.

Ah, well, while you're there,
you might want to break

the news that
line dancing is over.

- You guys are the best.
- You kidder.

Love you guys.

- Congratulations.
- Bye.

The red menace?
What was that about?

Oh, um, you know, I just...

I just have this issue
with Ellen.

It's-- it's a long,
complicated story.

So give me the short version.

I slept with Rob.
Goodnight.

Whoa!

No, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

Gonna need the long,
complicated version.

- Go.
- Okay.

Danny and I had just broken up,
Ellen and Rob were going through

yet another one
of their breakups.

In a nutshell, a chance
encounter at a restaurant,

rain, booze, sympathy,
knees touching,

more booze, more rain,
more sympathy,

cab ride, and then...

[exhales]

Stuff.

I can't believe
you haven't told me this.

I mean, you know,
there-- there was that time

last April
when I was so depressed,

and this would have pulled me
right out of it.

Yeah.

You see, this is exactly why
I didn't tell you,

because I knew that
you would enjoy it.

That you would make jokes
and judge me

and call me names and...

Grace, give me a little credit.

- You little minx.
- Alright, that's it.

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Okay, bachelor party.

Let's review
what we've got so far.

8 o'clock,
the guests arrive.

8:30, something fun happens.

Um, my name in bubble letters

and then a picture of a man
on a donkey. I got nothin'.

Oh, my God,
I got a donkey, too.

Well, [sighs] you know
why we're blocked

'cause heterosexual marriage
is just wrong.

I mean, if God had intended
man and woman to be together,

He would have given them
both penises.

I believe I heard
Pope RuPaul II say that.

I know. A progressive spa party.
[gasps]

We'll go from one lovely
bachelor's pad to the next.

Jack: And at each place,
we'll do a different treatment.

A steam facial here...

a deep pore cleansing there...

and then knock-knock,
"Hello, seaweed wrap?"

"Yes, come on in."

That is the gayest thing
I've ever heard.

I know, isn't it yummy?

I can't do it.
I can't do it, Will.

I can't do this bridal shower.

I am so racked with guilt,
I'm delusional.

I'm making
the finger sandwiches,

and they're all giving me
the finger.

Why so guilty?
What'd you do?

- Stuff.
- Stuff.

Look... I'm having
the bachelor party here.

You're having the shower
in your place.

I mean, if you start to freak
out, just come over and get me.

It'll be fine.
I promise.

- Okay.
- Alright.

Okay.

Oh, oh, oh, I know.

I know what this is.

Will told me everything.

Grace, you really did it
this time. Oh, oh. [chuckles]

You told him I slept with Rob?

- Uh, no.
- Works every time.

Listen to me, Chatty Cathy.

You keep this to yourself.
Not a word.

We do not speak of this again.
You understand?

You little minx.

[hissing]

That was fun.

Now I'm hungry.

Take me to Black Angus.
[hissing]

No, no.

We gotta figure this
bachelor party thing out,

so, I mean, just think.

Straight world
is backwards world,

so what is
the absolute last thing

that you and I would want to see
at a party?

Hi.

I'm Sergeant Goodbody
and I'm here to give Rob

a citation
for being a very bad boy.

Oh, my God, a stripper!

You know, Rob, as your attorney,

I would usually advise against
this sort of thing,

but as your friend, I say

"Par-tay har-tay."
[laughs]

Did I do that right?

Uh, I think you have to
add a "Woo-hoo."

Woo-hoo!

[instrumental music]

[knock on door]

[sighs]

[chuckles]

- Karen.
- Hi, honey.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I was just taking
a little walk.

You don't walk.

Well, I was just goin' out
for a little snack.

You don't eat solid foods.

I love you.

Oh, right. Right.
Oh, Stan's mother's in town.

Oh, I'm telling you
she's evil!

I'm being tortured
in my own home.

She's irresponsible,
she's lazy, she drinks.

And worst of all,
she makes fun of what I wear!

What are you supposed to say
to a woman like that?

Uh, Karen, may I take your coat?

Thanks, honey.

Karen, you cannot stay.

Ellen is gonna be here any
second for her bridal shower,

and she's bringing a couple
of friends from Weehawken.

Oh. Oh, come on, honey.
Let me stay.

I've always wanted to see
those people up-close

instead of just driving
through their habitat

and havin' 'em jump on the hood
of the car. Come on.

[no audio]

No. No, Karen.

Ellen is-- is-- is a dear friend
of mine,

and she's entrusted me
with the responsibility

of being the maid of honor

and I take it
very, very, very seriously.

Oh, my God,
you slept with the groom.

[gasps]

What? How did you...
Well, what did...

Do you have three sixes
on your head?

No, but I got a fifth
in my bloodstream.

[laughs]
Oh, my God.

Even in an adulteress's
apartment, I'm funny. [laughs]

Oh, I can't breathe,
I can't breathe. [laughing]

So, who'd like
the first lap dance?

- Rob.
- Oh, gosh, I don't know.

I mean,
Ellen's across the hall

and I've got that hiatal hernia.

Well, uh, Steve?

Nah. I can tell
she doesn't like me.

Okay, Ira, she's all yours.

My lap's a little tender
right now.

- What does that mean?
- Just leave me alone.

Well, alright, damn it,
I'll do it.

I mean, I've copped a feel.

Might as well feel a cop.
[chuckles]

Alright, come to papa.

[instrumental music]

[knocking on door]

Okay, we're gonna sit down now,

and you're gonna pretend like
you're a human being.

- Mm. You little minx.
- Not a word!

- Ellen.
- Hi.

Hi! Welcome to your shower.

- Oh, my God, my shower!
- Come on in.

And you've done
one of your picnics.

- Isn't it fun?
- Oh, so much fun.

I can't believe how much fun.

Grace, everything
is really cute.

I hope you didn't
put yourself out.

Oh, too late. [laughs]

Will: Jack?

Jack, what's going on? What...

Why'd you run out in
the middle of your lap dance?

Does your ass have attention
deficit disorder, too?

Will, something
really bad happened.

I got, uh, I got excited.

You mean excited like

I-wanna-wear-what-she's-wearing
excited?

No.

Excited the way...

that three
of the four Baldwins

and one of the two Quaids
get me excited.

Oh, my God,
it's finally happened.

You've gotten so gay, you've
looped around to straight again.

This isn't funny.

Nothing like this has ever
happened to me before.

I'm really freaked out
right now--

Alright, alright, calm down.

I know exactly what to do.

- What?
- Tell Grace.

[instrumental music]

Oh, my God!
Jack got turned on by a woman?

[chuckles]

Well, he couldn't be straight.
So what, now he's a lesbian?

Well, he-- he's got
the haircut for it.

[laughing]
Alright.

So, uh, how's it goin' for you,
sleep-around Sue?

What happened to "Minx?"

I'm savin' that
for just the right moment.

- Minx.
- Can we stop?

I'm sorry, what, you
drop a bomb like-- like

you and Rob sleeping together

and what,
I'm supposed to let it go?

Will, please.

Little dirty-dirty,

cutie-cutie,
sleepin' with Robbie-Robbie--

- Oh.
- Oh.

Will, listen, is it okay if we
watch "The English Patient?"

What?

That's not a happy face.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Ellie, we were broken up.
I mean, I was a mess.

- I was out of my head.
- He's right.

You know, wh-- wh-- when a man
gets that low,

he'll reach for anything,
anything.

Yup, that's me.

I'm the step you take right
before the gun.

Oh...

Okay, somebody tell that skank
not to talk to me.

And you, Mr. Man,
are worse than a skank.

You're a skunk
who sleeps with skank.

- Skunk. Skank!
- Okay, okay.

Ellen, you know,
I-- I-- I am so sorry,

but could we just agree
that kind of language

is uncalled for?

- The wedding's off, Grace.
- Oh, Ellen, you can't--

Agh!

I am so humiliated
and disappointed,

and I just pray to God

our friends never find out
about this.

Ellen: Everybody, Rob slept
with Grace. The wedding is off.

You and your big mouth!

Me? What about him
and his big mouth?

You know,
as far as I'm concerned,

you both have big mouths.

I slept with Grace.
Wedding's off.

- What-- what do you wanna do?
- Go in there.

Get Rob and we will work
this out together.

No, no. I can't go in there.
Everybody hates me.

Grace, I promise you,
no one is even thinking of you

right now. Okay?

Alright, okay.

- Hi, everybody.
- All: Boo! Boo!

[instrumental music]

What were you thinking?

- Poodle.
- Oh, Karen.

I know, I know, I know, honey.
Will told me.

Listen, I'm sure it's just a
fluke or an allergic reaction.

I mean... Stan's head swells
when he eats a peanut.

Karen, I know
the difference between

6 o'clock and 12 o'clock,
and this was...

"Midnight At The Oasis."

[sighs]
Alright, alright, well...

Come on, let's try
a little reenactment

and see if we can figure out
what happened.

Sit down. Okay. Alright.

Now, she probably started out
with a little of this action.

Oh, yeah. Ah, ah, ah...

Well, she wasn't, uh,
really that boob intensive.

She just kind of sat on my lap
and moved around a lot.

Oh, well, then it was just
simple friction.

Okay, come on.
Here we go. Okay, alright.

♪ This is the way
the wheel goes round ♪

♪ The wheel goes round
the wheel goes round ♪♪

Karen, you're chafing me.

Just give me
another couple seconds.

Oh, it's not working.

Maybe not for you.

It's no use.
[sighs]

I'm a freak.
I'm an aberration.

I'm a man that gets turned
on by... women.

But not by me?
You know, that hurt.

You should really be careful
what you say.

You should realize that words
are weapons, you little sissy!

Now, wake up down there!

Karen!

This isn't about you,
this is about me

and this sickness I have.

Jack? I've been looking for you.

I still owe you
half a lap dance.

Um, could you just give it
to the needy?

Look, I never do this,
but I think you're really cute.

So if you change your mind,
here's my card.

Uh, that's very nice of you.

I don't think I'll be changing
my mind any time soon, Carl,

so because I'm a...

You're a Carl?

From the waist down.
From the waist up, I'm Carla.

So you're not a girl?

Not yet, but God willing,
by fall, I will be.

Oh, thank God.

I'm still gayer than Christmas.

Alright, speaking of half-women,

I gotta get back
to Stan's mother.

Oh, hey, hey, say,
come on, come with me.

We'll scare the crap
out of her and you'll get

you a thousand dollars closer
to your snippity-doo-da-day.

Come on!

[instrumental music]

Ellen, peaches, listen.

The thing between
Grace and me meant nothing.

That's right, El, nothing.

It was just
a meaningless encounter.

A wrong detour.

A pathetic, miserable act

between two desperate,
sweaty people.

Did I say that out loud?

Look, El, she was nothing
compared to you.

I mean, you know
I don't like bony girls.

It was like... it was like
having sex with a cricket.

Yeah?
Well, I was fake chirping.

- Please come out.
- Please, Ellen.

I am not talking
to Skunk or Skank.

I will only talk to Will.

Cricket?

I'm so never sleeping
with you again.

Ellen, I know you're hurting,

but there's something
you've gotta know.

- Rob is hurting, too.
- Do you have any condoms?

Top drawer.
Well, I mean, he-- he loves you.

He-- he-- he cares for you...
I'm sorry, condoms?

Yeah, we're having sex.

Hey, it's the only way to even
the score with Rob and Grace.

- Has to be done.
- Oh, okay, wait, wait.

Slow down. One of us is gay.

Yeah, get over it.

Now, I want you
to throw me on the bed

and have your beasty way
with me.

Ellen, that is not gonna happen.
You and I are not gonna...

Oh, my God, you're in a bra.

Get a load of these torpedoes.

Ellen, damn the torpedoes.

Give it over to your mama.

Stop, stop, stop.

Look... I know you're in pain,

but this is no way
to deal with it.

I mean, look at you,
look what you're doing.

[gasps]

Oh, my God, you're right.
Oh, my God, look at me.

What is wrong with me?

I'm just a dumb,
stupid idiot-head.

Oh, Ellen, it's okay.
It's... It's just...

Now, I'm gonna grind you
like a fresh cup of coffee.

Agh!

Don't worry, uh,
Will is fantastic

in these kind of situations.
Trust me.

He will not
come out of there

until he has fixed this.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

I-- I give up!
Alright, forget it!

I... Th-- th-- this has gotten
way out of hand.

There-- there's
a crazy woman in there

coming at me like,
like Chucky in a C-cup.

What now?

You know what?

There's only one person
who can make this right.

Hey, I'm not going back in there

unless she is sedated
or trussed up like a turkey.

I'm talkin' about me, Will.

Oh, right. Yes, go...
Good for you.

- Come on, let's do it.
- Okay, you can do it!

- We've got faith in you, buddy.
- Go, Rob!

- Never gonna happen.
- He's a dead man.

Oh, God, what am I gonna do,
what am I gonna do?

I know! I know! I'll do
what I did in college.

Oh, Grace, I got rid of my bong
years ago.

Not that.

Whenever Ellen and I would get
into a fight in college,

I would make her
a tunnel of fudge Bundt cake.

We would talk,
we would eat,

and somehow everything
would work out okay.

Of course, much like the apple
Brown Betty

that ended
the Battle of Guadalcanal.

Grace, we don't have time.

Don't you see
that I have to do something?

I mean, Ellen is one of
my oldest and dearest friends.

I mean, when my father was sick,
Ellen was there.

When I didn't get into that
Paris program, Ellen was there.

And-- and when, and when Danny
and I broke up, Ellen was...

Well, Rob was there, but...

But Ellen was
just a few blocks away.

God, now I've totally ruined
their marriage.

Rob: Oh! Oh, oh!

- Was that you?
- Unh-unh.

- So that means that was...
- Uh-huh.

- Right there on your...
- Oh, yeah.

- Let's get out of here.
- No.

I can't go anywhere until
I know that Ellen's forgiven me.

Ellen, have you forgiven Grace?

Ellen: Oh, God, yes.

Good enough for me.

Wanna go get something to eat?

No, I wanna go
get some new sheets.