All language subtitles for Will & Grace (1998) - S02E18 - Sweet and Sour Charity 1080p WEBDL h264 AAC 2.0

[instrumental music]

- The key. The key.
- Will.

You're just setting yourself up.
We're not gonna win.

I need the phone,
I need the phone.

Who are you, Vinnie Two Times?
Stop saying everything twice.

Okay, okay. Okay.

Why are you
not more excited about this?

This is-- this is
front row seats

to a sold-out Joni Mitchell
concert. You love her.

Uh, Will, regular people
don't win these things.

It's just losers who have
the radio station on speed dial.

[phone beeping]

Oh, Will.

Look, you do what you want,
but you are on your own.

I'm not gonna get myself
all pumped up

about something,
and just to be devastated

when it doesn't happen.

- Hello? I got someone.
- Oh, my God! We're gonna win!

We're gonna win! I knew it!

Hi, um, my name is--

Get off the phone!

Jack: No, you get off the phone.

- Hang up!
- No, you hang up.

- You're such a child.
- Nah-uh.

- You're the child.
- Hey, gimme the phone.

- That is my phone.
- It's my apartment!

It is not your apartment.

Between 10:00 and 5:00 it is.
You know the deal.

That deal only exists
in your head.

- Now gimme the--
- No.

Oh, my God. Naked pictures
of James Van Der Beek.

What? Where?
I knew he'd crack.

Will: Ha-ha!

[phone beeps]

- Busy.
- This call better be important.

I was talking Rory
through a very tragic body wax

that nearly cost him a teat.

It is important.

It is Joni Mitchell.

And if we are the 105th caller,

we win front row seats.

Okay, easy does it,
gigglicious.

It's not like it's brunch
with Cher.

Oh, my God.

Jack: How great would that be?

[mimicking Cher]
More huevos rancheros, Jack.

[mouthing] Yes, thank you.
Oh, my God!

Oh, uh, yes-- yes,
I'll hold. I'm holding.

Oh, God, please,
just give me this one thing

and I will dedicate myself
completely to thee.

Okay, maybe not completely,

because, you know,
I have a life,

but-- but, trust me,

I will make it so worth
your while.

Really, God, if you
think about it, it's a win-win.

Uh, hi, yes, uh,
my name's Will Truman.

I-- I love your radio station.
I even have it on speed dial.

They're laughing at me.

Sorry? I'm the 105th caller.

I won.

Uh, could-- could you just
hold on for a minute, please?

[squealing]

Uh, yes, I'm back. Truman.

So now what are you gonna do,
Grace, huh?

You made a promise
to the big girl upstairs.

- What?
- I'm talking about the Lord.

Jack, just--

You don't wanna mess with

the Almighty, Grace.

You don't wanna go to he-ell.

You know what heat and sulfur
does to your hai-air.

Stop it!

I have every intention
of keeping my promise.

Thank you, yeah.

- We won!
- I know!

And that's why I'm gonna
do something for charity.

- Good for you.
- And?

And very good for you.

Will, see, you and I
have to do something

to deserve these tickets.

Grace, this is not about
miracles or divine intervention.

Okay, I had the skill
to be the 105th caller.

No. No, I'm not doing charity.

Look, look, I'm sorry.
I'm hung up on this.

So we can either drag this out
or we can just shorthand it.

- Shorthand.
- Will, do it.

- No. No!
- Please. Come on.

Alright.

God, you two are so married.

[theme music]

Jack: My God, Karen,
I'm so excited.

I've never been
in your closet before.

Well, don't get
your hopes up, honey.

You'll just be disappointed.

My God.

If my closet were like this, I
never would have come out of it.

Oh, Lord,
there's nothing here.

I mean, why do we
have to do this.

Hey, Grace hit me up to give
clothes to charity, too.

It was hard, but I dug deep,

and I gave away two bags
of Will's favorite sport coats.

Yeah, but I mean,
look around, Jack.

Well, uh, what could I
possibly give away?

What...

I'll take these.

The color really
brings out my ass.

Come on, focus.
We're not here for you.

We're here for the homeless.

They are so lucky.

I hope they know
how lucky they are.

Alright, well,
let's just jump in.

Okay, here's a sweater.

Here's a hat. Here's my arm.

Here's my heart!
I can't do this!

Karen, of course
you can do this.

No, I can't!

It's like giving away
your own children.

No, it's harder. You can
always have another kid.

But Hermes
only made this print once.

Now, give me one good reason

why a man can't go out
in a nice pillbox hat.

Hello, reason.

Oh, my God, look, there are
actually pills in here.

Come on, put that away
and help me out.

Every item has
such sentimental value.

I mean...
[sighs]

take this dress.

Stan gave it to me
on our honeymoon,

and to this day,
every time I wear it,

he can't keep
his hands off of me.

Sayonara!

You have a phone call.

Hey, don't just barge in here
barkin' orders at me.

I'm in the middle
of the hardest thing

I've ever had to do!

- It's your pharmacist.
- Honey, I have to take this.

It's alright. I can handle it.

Oh, you can handle it?
Interesting.

You know, I have spent
most of my adult life

and millions
of my husband's dollars

learning about fashion.

What are
your qualifications, hmm?

Umm, I'm gay.

Oh, honey,
what would I do without ya?

You never have to worry
about that.

Oh! Eww.

I'll start
with the Puccis and Guccis

and work my way
to Fioruccis

and Susan Luccis.

[chuckles]

"Once I was lost,
but now I am found."

Hi, I'm Grace Adler.

This is my friend, Will Truman.

I called this morning
because I believe,

as I'm sure you do,
that helping people--

Oh, yes, I remember.

You had me on the phone
for 45 minutes.

I get it. You care, you care.

[sneezes]

God bless you.

Oh, ha-ha, I guess...

[laughs]

I guess that's
a little redundant.

I mean, of course
you're gonna get blessed.

I mean, think of
who you're married to.

I mean, think of who your
father-in-law is. Whoa, okay.

I'm sorry, I'm a little nervous.
I don't know from nuns. I--

We generally ask our volunteers

to put in a minimum
of five hours per week.

Five? Yeah, that you know, I--

My schedule is so nuts right now

between work and trying to have
a social life, no offense.

I-- I-- I thought maybe
it'd be best if I, um--

Will, she does not want
your check book charity.

What she wants is
us to give of our time.

Oh, you're one of those.

We're willing to do anything
for anybody at any time.

As long as it's between
4:00 and 5:30.

4:00 and 6:00.

Well, let's see.
What have we got left?

Oh, our community bazaar
is this weekend,

and there is an opening on
the entertainment committee.

Oh, that's perfect.

Will and I, when-- when
we were in college,

we had this little
improv group, The Zanies.

- Oh.
- Come on, Will.

- We're Zany.
- We're Zany.

Okay, I think I should tell you,

you won't be doing
the entertaining.

Really? Well, we'll see.

When do we start?

You can start right now.
Follow me.

Our production of "Stone Soup"
is this Saturday afternoon.

You two can direct the children
and narrate the story.

[children shouting]

[gasps]
Oh! This is gonna be great.

Kids love me.

Oh.

I'm trying to help!

Okay, we...

We-- we-- we--
we gotta slow down here,

'cause I don't think
I can do this.

This is a little more
than I bargained for.

Will, come on, you said
that you were gonna help.

And I wanna help. Uh, directing
a bunch of screaming kids?

Mister, will you save our play?

Let's make magic, people.

Will: And once all
the vegetables were in the pot,

the mysterious stranger stirred
it into a rolling boil.

And the villagers cheered

because they knew
they'd be enjoying

the delicious stone soup
that they all made together.

Okay, guys. Say your line.

All: Aw!

No. The other line.

- All: Yay!
- Will: Yeah, very good.

Alright! Good one.

Everybody, uh, grab a cookie
and gather around.

- Are you two married?
- Married? No.

I'm never ever gonna
get married. Girls are yucky.

Right back at'cha, Broc.

You read too fast.

You forgot half your lines,
Little Miss Roughage.

Grace--

That carrot has been giving me
attitude for three days.

If she doesn't watch out,
she's gonna end up in a juicer.

- She's six, Nurse Ratchet.
- I'm just trying to help!

So don't try so hard. Relax.

Besides, it's all gonna be over
in a few hours,

and then tonight,
Joni Mitchell!

Oh, my God, I can't wait.

♪ I was a free man in Paris

♪ I was unfettered and alive ♪

Okay, let's, um,
let's just leave it to Joni.

What do you think?

I thought
you liked my singing.

Huh. Okay.

Now...

this afternoon,
remember to speak up

and don't turn your backs
to the audience, okay?

And, uh, have a good time,

because it's gonna be
the best play ever, right?

All: Right!

And we're all gonna have
a lot of fun, right?

Right!

And we're all gonna
keep our costumes

nice and clean
until then, right?

And then after the show,
we're all gonna go out

for ice cream, right?

All: Right!

By the way,
we're totally not doin' that.

Okay, now the play
starts at five o'clock,

which means everybody
should be in their costumes

and ready to go at what time?

Two o'clock.

4:30, exactly.

Wait a minute, children.
I have something I need to say.

[coughs]

Oh, that ferkochta flu
will be the death of me.

Anyway, since you all
have done such a good job,

Father Gallagher has decided

to make the play
the finale of tonight's bazaar.

All: Yay!

Be here at 7:30.
You go on at 8:00.

All: Yay!
- 8:00?

8:00? 8:00?
No, no, no, no.

See-- see,
we have plans at 8:00.

We have front row seats
for Joni Mitchell at 8:00.

So we have to go. Right? I mean,
you would do the same thing.

I've never been
beyond that fence.

I can't believe this.
We're gonna miss Joni Mitchell.

What can we do?
We made a commitment.

[sighs]

Yeah, guess you're right.

No one ever said
charity was easy.

Yeah.

♪ You know I'd go back
there tomorrow ♪

♪ But for the work
I've taken on ♪♪

Sweetie, don't make it worse
than it already is.

Look at this place.
It's virtually empty.

Jack really cleaned me out.

I heard an echo this morning
in the fur vault.

Yeah, yeah, you're a giver.

And...

I think we've got a yes.
Ha-ha. Yeah.

Doesn't work.

Well, what the hell
do you know about fashion?

You're packed in there
tighter than a blood sausage.

Hey, you washed up on the shore
of this country

in an inner tube,
wearing a banana leaf

and a couple of coconuts.

Listen, lady, I flew here

on business class
with my Advantage Miles.

Now, take it off,
so I can clean it and burn it.

The only thing that's going
to get burned is your arm

when I put my cigarette out on
it.

Try to remember that the next
time you open up your boca!

It's the scarf, isn't it?

It's a cleaner look without.

Okay, yeah...

What about the shoes?

Oh, come on.
You even have to ask?

Oh, Miss Karen, you love those
shoes like your own husband.

Bite your tongue.

Husbands come and go, but
the Chanel slingback is forever.

- Oh! Santa Maria!
- Oh!

My slingbacks!
They were one of a kind.

What have you done with them?

What have you done
with my shoes?

Nobody likes to see you
squirm more than I do,

but I would eat the food
you provide for me

before I would
touch those pumps.

Who could have done
such a horrible thing?

Who would be stupid enough
to take those pumps?

Now sound it out.

"Mysterious."

What? What are you doin'?

Nothing,
I was just-- I was just

giving Megan here
some notes on her performance.

- Oh.
- I'm gonna be the narrator.

[laughs]

Look, Grace,
you're the narrator.

- I know that.
- Alright.

You know, I just think that we
all should have an understudy.

You know, with the flu going--

- She's going to Joni Mitchell.
- I am.

What? You...

Come here.

You dragged me into this,

and now you're going
to Joni Mitchell?

I got the tickets,
if anyone should be going

to Joni Mitchell, it's me.

How could you be so selfish?

Hey. Hey, Will, come on.

The carrot
already knows my part anyway.

Okay, Grace.
You wanna go. Go.

Oh, no. You're not gonna
lay a guilt trip on me.

- I'm staying.
- Good. Stay.

Will, I'm not staying.
It's Joni Mitchell.

I can't believe
you're doing this, I mean

half-- half an hour
before the show.

Oh, come on,
it's not like I planned this.

There's a taxi here
for Grace Adler.

Okay, that is downright spooky.

I should probably
go check on that.

Yeah, run along,
go-- go take your

big yellow taxi.

I thought she'd never leave.

Lord, will you look
at these people?

Why anybody would choose
to be homeless is beyond me.

Karen, nobody chooses
to be homeless.

It's because they did
something bad.

I can't bear
to think of my babies

in a disease-ridden
hellhole like this.

Karen, this is a church.

Don't lecture me, Saint Mary,

this is your fault.
Just go find my shoes.

Alright, alright.

Jeez.

Excuse me.
You must get this all the time.

Are you Mary Todd Lincoln?

No, and you must get this
all the time.

Could you take
one giant step back? Okay.

- Oh!
- Huh!

[both gasp]

I'm so-- I'm so sorry.

I have to ask you,
are you the gentleman

who yells obscenities
outside Papaya King?

Yeah, that's me.

Oh, I knew it was you.
Uh, you're very good.

As an actor, myself, I-- I
just-- I just have to ask you,

how do you tap into
all that rage?

Try not eating for a week.

Ooh, I wish I had
that kind of willpower.

What do you want? What are you
after? What are your terms?

- Ten.
- One.

- Seven.
- Three.

- Yellow.
- Wha... Uh, blue.

- Five.
- Five?

- Five.
- Alright.

Five, it is.

One hundred, two hundred...

Oh, I can't wait.
Five whole dollars.

Right, yeah.
Five whole dollars.

You drive a hard bargain. Okay.

I don't know how that got in
there, but there you go, honey.

Wow. Five dollars.
This is my lucky day.

Uh, Crazy?

Make it your lucky year.
Come on.

Thanks.

Woo-hoo!

Karen, I saw what you did
just there.

You saw nothing.

♪ Karen has a heart

♪ Karen has a heart ♪

Oh, alright.
I don't even know why I did it.

Maybe it's like
it says in the Bible...

I felt bad because
I had no shoes,

but then I met someone
who had really bad shoes.

Once upon a time
there was a village

where people didn't know
the value of giving.

Megan, Megan.

And one day, a muster...

- A meester...
- A mysterious.

And one day,
a mysterious stra-- stran...

Stra-- stranger.

Grace: And one day,

a mysterious stranger

came to the village

and taught the town folk
a valuable lesson.

And that was
the story of "Stone Soup."

- When do we bow?
- Now.

[applause]

- You guys were great.
- Flawless, flawless.

And the Broccoli, Carrot,
Radish, fantastic.

Onion, you brought
a tear to my eye.

Alright, everybody go say hi
to your parents. You were great.

- Good job.
- Here you go.

So... What happened?

Well, you know,
I was just sittin' there

trying to enjoy the concert,
but all I kept thinking about

were the kids and their
bright little faces, and...

I was asked to leave the concert
for singing too loud...

by Joni.

At least Melissa Manchester had
the courtesy to call security.

Anyway, it was-- it was like
I had it coming, you know?

Anyway, I'm so glad
I got back here, you know,

even though all the kids
still hate me.

No!

What?

I don't hate you, Grace.

I like you.
I think you're pretty.

Out of the mouths of radishes.

- You do?
- Yes.

Oh, that is so sweet.
See?

- This makes it all worth it.
- Yes.

And when I grow up,
I want to have fake hair

just like yours.

Now, that's what makes it all
worth it.